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Amphy22
20th June 2012, 9:41 PM
Chapter 1
No Starter, No Journey

Cherrgrove City is a wonderful place to live, Especially when you're starting your very own Pokemon journey. My name is Dylan and I am about to start my journey. I woke up this morning with a jolt of electricity. Then I finally realized it was only my Pokemon, Flaffy. I had caught a Mareep when I was only seven years of age. Now after much battling with wild Pokemon around Cherrygrove, I have a strong Flaffy at my side.
I put my Shorts, navy blue t-shirt, and my sneakers on. After taming my wild head of hair I put on my grey stalking cap with a white Pokeball design on it. I grab my small waist pouch that has been filled with help full items and clip it on. As i'm running down my hallway Flaffy stop me and gives me its Pokeball. "Ha, Sorry Flaffy I almost forgot. I'm just so excited!" I say as I pick up the red and white ball, slip it on a latch on the belt of my side pouch, and leap down the stairs.
I quickly eat a bowl of cereal and gulp down some orange juice. The cereal was in the shape of stars. Flaffy and I walk out the front door and took a breath of fresh air. "Oh man I can't believe we are really going out on our own today Flaffy!" I say as Flaffy chimes in. "Flaaaaf flaffy!" We walk over to our friend Lily's house to wake her up... again.
Lily was the person I grew up with. We would climb trees and throw apples at rocks to have the biggest splatter contests. We also loved asking her older sister, Charlotte, about her adventures in Hoenn. We would also do tasks for Professor Elm because New Bark Town was just a small walks away. We sometimes would venture onto route 30 until we got busted for it.
I knock on their front door and her mother answers. "Oh Dylan, Hi! Come in," She says with a smile. "Lily's upstairs in her room." "Thank you." I say in reply. I tip-toe up the stairs and as i'm walking down the hallway Charlotte whispers to me, " You're going to need to go in their and wake her up yourself kiddo." I open the door and shake her shoulder gently. She wakes up and smiles.
"Hey... wait... did i sleep in again!?" she says now suddenly wildly awake. I grin and nod. "Okay okay uh... ill meet you downstairs. I need to get ready!" And so Flaffy and I walk downstairs to wait for her. A few minutes later she steps down the stairs wearing her dark blue jeans, her maroon colored t-shirt, and her hiking boots. She also has her dark green scarf. She had her long brown hair in a neat ponytail.
She eats her breakfast and is ready to head out the door. "Come on Lily, professor Elm is waiting for us down at the beach!" I shout. We run down the path towards the beach and meet up with professor Elm. "H-hi Dylan and Lily. Uh... i have bad news... I have no starters for you to go on your journey with. We had an anxious batch of young t-trainers yesterday at the lab. And No Starter, No Journey. I'm real sorry..." he says. "Oh... well I guess Dylan, you'll have to go on your own then..." Lily sighs sadly. The next thing I know i'm lying sprawled out on the ground.
"Ouch, sorry Dylan! Lily! I came to give you something. I had gotten a call from professor Elm that he had run out of starter Pokemon, so I brought you this." Charlotte says as she hands over a Pokeball. "Wow! Really sis!?" lily screams with excitement. "Yeah Lily, She's all yours!" Charlotte says kindly.
Lily opens up the Pokeball and a cute young Swablu materializes. "Oh my gosh, It's so cute!" Lily says as the Swablu perches itself on her head. "Alright! Now we can both go Lily! You and Swablu and me and Flaffy!" I cheer. That's when our parents meet us and tell us of some plans for a short farewell party.







Chapter 2 coming 2morow

PikaPika677
20th June 2012, 10:18 PM
When making paragraphs, it would be very helpful if you would put more space between them.

Cherrgrove City is a wonderful place to live, Especially when you're starting your very own Pokemon journey. My name is Dylan and I am about to start my journey. I woke up this morning with a jolt of electricity. Then I finally realized it was only my Pokemon, Flaffy. I had caught a Mareep when I was only seven years of age. Now after much battling with wild Pokemon around Cherrygrove, I have a strong Flaffy at my side.
I put my Shorts, navy blue t-shirt, and my sneakers on. After taming my wild head of hair I put on my grey stalking cap with a white Pokeball design on it. I grab my small waist pouch that has been filled with help full items and clip it on. As i'm running down my hallway Flaffy stop me and gives me its Pokeball. "Ha, Sorry Flaffy I almost forgot. I'm just so excited!" I say as I pick up the red and white ball, slip it on a latch on the belt of my side pouch, and leap down the stairs.
I quickly eat a bowl of cereal and gulp down some orange juice. The cereal was in the shape of stars. Flaffy and I walk out the front door and took a breath of fresh air. "Oh man I can't believe we are really going out on our own today Flaffy!" I say as Flaffy chimes in. "Flaaaaf flaffy!" We walk over to our friend Lily's house to wake her up... again.
would turn into

Cherrgrove City is a wonderful place to live, Especially when you're starting your very own Pokemon journey. My name is Dylan and I am about to start my journey. I woke up this morning with a jolt of electricity. Then I finally realized it was only my Pokemon, Flaffy. I had caught a Mareep when I was only seven years of age. Now after much battling with wild Pokemon around Cherrygrove, I have a strong Flaffy at my side.

I put my Shorts, navy blue t-shirt, and my sneakers on. After taming my wild head of hair I put on my grey stalking cap with a white Pokeball design on it. I grab my small waist pouch that has been filled with help full items and clip it on. As i'm running down my hallway Flaffy stop me and gives me its Pokeball. "Ha, Sorry Flaffy I almost forgot. I'm just so excited!" I say as I pick up the red and white ball, slip it on a latch on the belt of my side pouch, and leap down the stairs.

I quickly eat a bowl of cereal and gulp down some orange juice. The cereal was in the shape of stars. Flaffy and I walk out the front door and took a breath of fresh air. "Oh man I can't believe we are really going out on our own today Flaffy!" I say as Flaffy chimes in. "Flaaaaf flaffy!" We walk over to our friend Lily's house to wake her up... again.

This makes the story much easier to read. Also, you're supposed to start a new paragraph each time there is a new speaker.

"Oh hey what are you doing?" he questioned when he noticed the girl searching through his possessions. He had a puzzled expression on his face and was getting a little suspicious.

"Huh?! Oh hey I didn't see you there. Er, I was just looking for something I might have dropped" she replied quickly.


I'm no writer but I think fics are supposed to be written this way.

Krazy95
20th June 2012, 10:31 PM
I'm no writer but I think fics are supposed to be written this way.

Both things you have listed are helpful definitely - Fic's should always be presented in that way.

Also you may want to make sure your thread covers at least two pages of a word processing file's page in size 10/12 writing - otherwise you won't be following the sub-forum's rules.

I do like your description of Dylan - it's basic but gives us enough to see what he wears and give us a rough idea in our heads of what he looks like. I'd say to try and expand a little - for example...

Instead of writing:

'Lily sighs sadly. The next thing I know i'm lying sprawled out on the ground.
"Ouch, sorry Dylan! Lily! I came to give you something. I had gotten a call from professor Elm that he had run out of starter Pokemon, so I brought you this." Charlotte says as she hands over a Pokeball.'

Try:

'Lily sighs sadly. The next thing I know I'm lying sprawled out on the ground, an ache where I've been hit by a door flying open. Charlotte had just burst into the room.
"Ouch, sorry Dylan! Hey, Lily, I came to give you something. I'd received a call from Professor Elm saying that he had run out of starter Pokemon, so I brought you this." Charlotte says as she hands over a Pokeball.'

Changes are in bold. it makes it flow a little better and makes it easier to understand, as there was no reference of Charlotte being up there until you made her speak.


A couple of grammar mistakes -

"Okay okay uh... ill meet you downstairs." ill should be I'll.

'help full items' should be 'helpful items.'

'walks' in 'a small walks away' should be 'walk'.

Also, information on the shape of the cereal really isn't needed, as it doesn't provide anything towards the story at all.

I am liking what I see, and will keep checking in on this, so keep it up! It's good, and has potential to improve!

ChloboShoka
20th June 2012, 11:38 PM
You seem to do quite well with the present tense, but I would suggest working on spacing and content. Also, there's no real rush for the chapters. Some of the most professional writers takes months or even years to complete their work. Hope that don't put you off, but I think it would be best if you take your time, so your story meets the criteria of the forum. :)

Amphy22
21st June 2012, 12:25 AM
hey thanks guys chptr 2 coming soon and i LOVE the advice! oh and c.holly i was worried id loose my work and a friend of mine was coming over so i was kinda rushin. ill put MUCH more thought into chater 2! thanks!!!!

Amphy22
21st June 2012, 12:52 AM
btw um i want you guys to know im gunna put a lot more time into writin the next chptr thanks again and oh uh pikapika i know people want me to write the paragraphs like that but i feel more comfterble writing it that way so sorry!

Psychic
21st June 2012, 9:09 AM
btw um i want you guys to know im gunna put a lot more time into writin the next chptr thanks again and oh uh pikapika i know people want me to write the paragraphs like that but i feel more comfterble writing it that way so sorry!
Sorry, but if you post here then you must format your story properly as other posters have explained.

Each chapter needs to be written on Microsoft Word and at least two pages long. This also helps when you're in a rush like you mentioned, because you can save your work and go back to it. Putting that kind of time and effort into your story is essential to making it good, plus by rereading it you can find places to improve or even mistakes you might not have noticed.

Please bring your chapter up to two pages (hint: using the paragraphing PikaPika explained will help) and be sure to read the Fan Fiction Rules before posting again. Your thread may be closed if improvements aren't made.

~Psychic

Amphy22
21st June 2012, 4:23 PM
k... but idk how to uplaod it from word

Amphy22
21st June 2012, 4:24 PM
im probably just going to make this story on microsoft word and not upload it to serebii.

Amphy22
21st June 2012, 4:38 PM
i am not sharing this story on here due to the fat amount of wierd uneccesarry rules (sorry if im being jereky) but i don't like to write that way so please close this thread...

PikaPika677
21st June 2012, 9:31 PM
i am not sharing this story on here due to the fat amount of wierd uneccesarry rules (sorry if im being jereky) but i don't like to write that way so please close this thread...

Actually, proper paragraphing and length is necessary when writing Fan Fics. It's basic stuff. But you can come back next time when you feel more confident ^-^

Jake76
21st June 2012, 10:04 PM
These "weird, unnecessary rules" are pretty much the rules on any fan fiction forum so I think you would be doing yourself a favor to just learn proper formatting. But here's some other food for thought:

-Really flesh out your characters. It's not enough to just detail their physical appearance. Your characters weren't really given any sort of personality (and that was mainly because of how rushed this chapter seemed). If you slow down and really work with your characters, they gain another dimension and your story will be that much more accessible.

-Really consider the implications of plot points in your story. I find it hard to believe that Professor Elm could accidentally "under stock" starters. Typically, it seems most regional professors set up appointments with potential trainers. That would make much more sense.

-It seems like Lily's Mom probably should have given Lily her Pokemon well before they went to Elm's lab. Especially since her sister intended for it to be given to Lily.

These are just some basic ideas since I'm sure you're tired of being critiqued. I hope you consider some of these things as you continue to write (even if it isn't on this forum).

Psychic
22nd June 2012, 8:57 AM
k... but idk how to uplaod it from word
All you have to do is copy and paste it onto a post.


i am not sharing this story on here due to the fat amount of wierd uneccesarry rules (sorry if im being jereky) but i don't like to write that way so please close this thread...
Well, sorry, but rules are rules. Most places you go will also expect a certain level of writing, especially once you start writing things for school assignments. You just have to put the effort in - that's life.

Anyhow, if that's how you feel I'm sorry to hear it, and we hope you'll reconsider at some point. If you do, please remember to read the forum rules before posting (as even just now you posted multiple times in a row, which you're not supposed to go). Good luck.

~Psychic