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はるひ
21st June 2012, 3:04 AM
Ah, diary entries. I really showcases the characters feelings. In this one, her feelings are all over the place. She is very bitter, but for good reason. She's been bullied by another Pokemon for something that made her herself. So yeah, might contain strong language and conflict

Think of this as a look into the mind of someone who has been tormented.

I feelÖ

Anger

Bitterness

Sadness

HateÖ

Bad karma... It is the very thing at this moment that is fueling my fire. Every single day I sit here, wondering how this would even come to you. You seem like you have a good, do you? Nothing bad could ever happen to you. But as I mull over this, I figured out that itís not so much what Iíd like to say to you, which I have a lot to sayÖ believe me. Itís more so what Iíd want to see happen to you or what Iíd want to do. Iíd want to see you hurt the way I have been for the last three years. Iíd want to see you cry, and see people scorn you for the many things that made you special.

I hate youÖ

For what you have done to me all these years. You ruined my life. Everything I thought I was: worthless, weak, dumb; it was all a lie. You fed me lies about my powers and how worthless they were. I believed you, because not only were you popular in school, but you were also a deity; someone that most Pokemon would look up to, legendries included. It also because well you were a moon deity, so you could have connections to space. Because you were a goddess and you had such a huge influence on the students at our school, some of the others started to make fun of me as well. Luckily for me, there were students who decided not to make fun of something they donít know.

Iím not really an angry girl. Most people would say that Iím as sweet as pie, but my boyfriend would say: rub her the wrong way and the fangs would come out. Well, this is that one day that the fangs do come out. As I write this entry, I am genuinely pissed off. Every day I walked in that classroom, you always had to make my life a living hell. You would never leave me alone and worry about yourself. Not only you, but your gang, your posee. They would never leave me alone as well.

Really now?

Remember when I first came to school? My very first day and we were cool with each other. You were pretty much nice to be on my first day, until I mentioned to the class that my specialty was spatial manipulation. Until then, you have always scorned me. The very first day I tried my powers, and I was supposed to learn my powers around the time, you pretty much laughed at me and told everyone I was useless. I have never wanted to die as quickly as I have wanted to that day. Everyone was calling me useless.

You know, because of that incident and many others, by twelve I told my family I wanted nothing to do with my powers. They were pretty disgraced by that, despite the fact that I had a choice. I could learn them or I didnít have to, but to not have anything to do with spaceÖ well they were angry. You are lucky that I donít have it to where I had to learn my powers weather I liked it or not, like Dialga has. He had to learn his powers at a fairly young age, four years old actually. At the same time, if I had my life like that, I would have really known what my powers would really do.

After spending time with my parents in their spatial dimension, I learned just that: what my powers could really do.

All that time Iíve spent, Iím come to realize that you were simply just jealous of my power. I mean why would someone torment someone for powers like mine? Most Pokemon have told me that they would kill to have powers like mine and Dialgaís. When I told my folks about this, they almost didnít believe me, but they did because why else would I no to learning my powers?

Why would I?

As I said, you were just jealous. You were the strongest female Pokemon in class before I came along unexpectantly. You only hated me because you were selfish. You wanted everyone to think you were all knowing and all powerful because you were a deity. It wasnít like anyone was going to treat you differently if you accepted that thereís always going to be someone who was better than you. Youíre still a beautiful girl and you do get better grades than me, but at the end of the day, you are still miserable.

Why?

I mean, while I was gone, you took the time to tell Giratina, a ten year old girl, that I was bullying you and thatís why you hate me. No, you were the one who bullied me, but since everyone believes a deity over a mortal, she is weary of me. How selfish could you really be? You knew that I was learning about my powers and then you spread lies about me? Not only to Giratina but to the other kids as well, even then, most of the kids are still on my side.

But do you want to know what really made me angry about that incident?

The fact that you told people that Dialga was telling me to bully you and that he was hurting you as well. As with Giratina, you knew from her about her motherís antagonism with him. Sheíll probably hate him even more but luckily, the other kids didnít. How dare you drag my boyfriend in this. He had nothing to do with this. He is a nice sweet guy and he would never stand behind bullying.

ReallyÖ

Heís been badgering me about fighting back and how I shouldnít. He knows how angry I am, but heís been asking me not to do anything crazy.

In short, I hope what you have done to me, will come back to bite you. I hope that you will turn ugly one day and people wonít want to be around you. Well, you are already ugly on the inside and it shows on the outside in a reality sense. I do not wish for you to be miserable for the rest of your life, but I wish for you to experience what Iíve felt when youíve done me wrong.

While at the same time, I will continue to be a better person. I have family, friends and a loving boyfriend who cares about me by my side. I feel sorry if you donít have these things but I wonít stop being happy because you donít have what I have. But know thisÖ

When you least expect it, expect itÖ

And I will always be the better person. Hope you remember that.

(Palkiaís entry ends here)

JX Valentine
21st June 2012, 6:44 AM
Genuinely want to help in this case, so I'm going to put off commenting on grammar and spelling for the time being. (There were a few errors, but honestly, they're not that much in comparison with content here.)

The thing is, there's something I don't get here. Palkia has pretty much everything she wants. She's got a nice boyfriend who would do anything for her, friends (if this took place after your other fic), powers that are actually more intense than her own bully's, the realization that Cresselia was just jealous of her… so what's her problem?

Okay, so she was bullied. In the past. While, sure, bully victims are always affected by the abuse they received during their most vital years, not all of them are vindictive about it, especially when they grow up and realize that they're not as bad as their bullies make them think they are. When you're successful or find a place where people are actually caring and loyal to you, there's no reason for you to feel overwhelming anger at someone else. You've already gotten your revenge by proving to your bully that you mean something to someone else.

I guess to put it simply, Palkia already got her revenge on Cresselia. Cresselia insisted that Palkia was useless to everyone, but then Palkia showed her up by finding people who like her for who she is. Not to mention she discovered her own inner strength and realized that everything Cresselia said was a lie.

So, she really has no reason to be vindictive about it. In fact, by being vindictive about it, she sinks herself to Cresselia's low. It's easy to hate someone or wish harm onto them; it's much, much harder to forgive them and move on. But if you forgive your bullies and move on, you're showing them that what they did to you doesn't affect you anymore and that you are a better person because you won't let what they said or did to you stop you from being happy.

And that's what it really comes down to. Lashing out at someone gives them power. It's why people tell you not to feed trolls: because if you react in anger, that just means that you're giving them the exact type of attention they want to see from you. Same thing with bullies. If you react in anger or hatred, then that gives them what they want and encourages them to keep bullying you because they've clearly struck a nerve.

Anyway, there's a couple of other things that didn't quite make sense to me about this story:

1. No one helped her? That's rather odd. Not everyone's a bully, after all, even at that age. Even if you might not consider everyone your friend, there's bound to be someone who will come along and say, "Hey, guys, I don't really think making fun of this person is mature" or "Don't listen to them because they're just being idiots." I mean, you're basically saying that the entire school is pretty black and white: there are only nice people (Palkia) and mean people (everyone else). But human beings don't work that way, even as kids. (Especially in elementary school, where we're bombarded with "power of friendship" stuff in all kinds of media.) There are a lot of people who are good, and not everyone is out to get you.

And if you actually think that everyone is out to get you, then chances are, that's something you need to work through with a professional, to put it as lightly as possible.

2. Besides, how exactly would it work that Cresselia is the only one in the school who knows how powerful Palkia actually is? News travels fast, and most likely, Cresselia's not the only one who would have figured out that manipulating space > manipulating the moon. So, why would everyone want to side with Cresselia and not Palkia? Why would people just believe Cresselia?

The other thing about kids is that they have a tendency to manipulate, but it's not in the way one would think. See, if it's found out that someone is smarter, stronger, more popular than you, or so forth, people will either: a) flock to you because you're one of the smart/strong/popular kids or b) flock to you because you have something they want. As in, if you're a smart kid, people will come to you and be friends with you because you'll help them with their homework. If you're popular, people will come to you to be popular too. If you're strong, people will come to you for protection. So if Palkia is stronger than Cresselia, it's not only safer to side with her (because her powers outclass Cresselia's, so she can protect you from whatever Cresselia would do) but also more beneficial to do so (because she can do all sorts of things – for you if you're her friend – that others might not be able to do). So in other words, it's not really possible for Cresselia to be jealous of Palkia without Palkia having a circle of friends of her own. The two would pretty much go hand-in-hand because the thing that would make Cresselia jealous is also the thing that would make Palkia popular… and if Cresselia knows about it, then so should others.

3. Her powers. This is something I've brought up in other threads, but it never really got a response. Basically, Palkia's spacial powers are pretty basic. They're part of who she is, not as a person but as a species. Saying that she doesn't want to learn them (especially without an explanation as to how she's a Palkia without them) is a lot like saying a person doesn't want to walk, talk, and think. Anything that encourages that kind of behavior isn't really helping a person. Imagine a situation where you decide you don't want to walk anymore. Instead of telling you that you need to walk because it's a basic skill, the people around you give you a wheelchair. That's not helping you develop into a better person. That's just limiting you.

Same thing with Palkia's spacial powers. We're not really shown Palkia's parents trying to explain what spacial manipulation is to her, and we're not shown them encouraging her to develop her powers in order to prove that she's not useless. We're just told that they got angry but allowed her to continue being bullied.

That's the worst part about it. They know there's something going on with their daughter, and this bullying has gone on for years. But they don't help her. They just stand by and let her be bullied. They don't talk to the principal or teachers about the fact that their daughter isn't doing so great in school, they don't teach Palkia the truth about her powers, they don't offer any consolation or advice of any kind. They pretty much abandon her, and that's just sad. It takes traveling to a different dimension for Palkia to change her mind about what she is, but we're not told what that entailed. For all we know, her parents still didn't explain anything to her.

Also? The part about how her parents were disgraced to have a daughter who didn't want to learn about her powers – as in, they were embarrassed of her – made me feel just a bit uncomfortable. That's pretty much victim blaming right there. They're not trying to fix the problem. They're just making Palkia feel even worse for being different.


Anyway, past the plot holes, it's not too bad of a read (albeit a little overdramatic), but I sort of wonder how much of this is fuelled by personal issues. If you're talking about offline bullies, then while writing fic of that is cathartic, it really may be a good idea to seek out some help in order to get closure. Like I said earlier, while bullying victims are always going to be affected in some way by their pasts, feeling that passionately angry years after the fact is never healthy. That kind of thing will turn you delusional, basically.

If you're talking about recent online incidents, well, that's something between you and the people involved, but I'm always against taking drama to public forums, if only because it makes absolutely everyone involved – including the apparent victims – look like dicks. Sorry to say, but, y'know, just saying.

But in general, this feels very personal, so I can't really say that it's not an accurate portrayal of bullying. Maybe you really were ostracized by literally everyone you met at school while your parents stood by and shamed you for letting it affect you so much. I just know that it's not really an accurate portrayal of bullying on a general level (as in, there's a lot of bullying victims out there who really are genuinely nice people inside and out and don't actually want to wish harm onto other people, even as a form of justice, because they don't want other people to feel the way they did) and that because of that, Palkia's portrayal comes off as, frankly, really unsettling.

Just my two cents on the subject.

chanseychansey77
21st June 2012, 8:50 AM
Umm... JX proves a hard act to follow. But what the hey, I got nothing to lose.

First, grammar stuff, cause that's something I can reliably give good advice on... Changes in bold.


You seem like you have it good, do you?


You are lucky that I don’t have it to where I had to learn my powers whether I liked it or not, like Dialga has.

Wrong "whether/weather".


When I told my folks about this, they almost didn’t believe me, but they did because why else would I refuse to learn my powers?

That last bit is a bit awkward... I shaped it up a smidge.

It's actually pretty decent in terms of writing and grammar (a bit dramatic for my taste, though I suppose this kind of thing has to be), the main problem that must be addressed is your protagonist stooping to the level of Cressilia by wishing all matter of awfulness upon her... Let's look at some examples.


I’d want to see you hurt the way I have been for the last three years. I’d want to see you cry, and see people scorn you for the many things that made you special.

Okay, this is Palkia stating she wants very badly to do everything Cressilia's done to hurt her. Palkia's saying she wants to sink to Cress's level, pretty much...


In short, I hope what you have done to me, will come back to bite you. I hope that you will turn ugly one day and people won’t want to be around you. Well, you are already ugly on the inside and it shows on the outside in a reality sense. I do not wish for you to be miserable for the rest of your life, but I wish for you to experience what I’ve felt when you’ve done me wrong.

...And this makes it worse... If Palkia are like this when they realize their potential, I could hardly blame Cress for wanting to keep that down (even if her methods are poor).

So let's recap: keep up the good work as far as writing goes, continue to improve- and make sure you make the protagonist sympathetic and not revenge obsessed.

That's all I got... Hope it helps, and best of luck to you.

はるひ
16th July 2012, 7:56 PM
Half of it was fueled by personal issues to be honest. That's why I was able to portray the character's thoughts the way I did. I've thought as myself as being normal until I came to school of course and people started making fun of me for many reasons. But mostly for how I looked and how fat I was and everything and much of that, I put into this piece.

Palkia is being made fun of because of her powers and she's being made fun of by a gorgeous girl. Which is why she focuses so much on her appearance. She wants to be pretty to be noticed and when she is, people might forget about her powers. All she wants is to be accepted but she doesn't feel that she is. Dialga tries his hardest but sometimes he feels his hardest isn't enough.