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UmbraFox
22nd June 2012, 4:12 AM
Hey guys. I wrote This a while ago, and decided to stick it here so you guys can give me some feedback. It's not exactly best-selling material, but I'm hoping you folks will enjoy.

Anyway, here it is.

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OUTCRY

Chapter One - No More

The sounds of my feet echo throughout the carpark as I tear through it. Footsteps mimic mine behind me, hostile footsteps, closer and closer. I sprint for the exit of the carpark and turn the corner and head down Market Street. I hear the shouts behind me, drawing nearer. I know what they'll do if they catch me. They'll clamp a GRC around my neck and that's it. I'm gone.

I should explain. As an Umbreon morph, I am a human with Umbreon DNA. Or, if you prefer, an Umbreon with human DNA, it's the same whichever way you look at it. A Genetic Restriction Collar, or GRC, nullifies the human DNA in a pokemorph, causing their pokemon DNA to take over, essentially turning them into a pokemon, both physically and intellectually. Their mental capacities are reduced to that of their half-species. That will happen to me, if I'm caught. The only way to reverse it's effects is to remove the collar, which the victim is no longer intelligent enough to do. There is no escape.

I turn the corner and head down an alley, which I know turns left and opens out on George street. The alley is very dim, a garbage can has been knocked over, it's contents spilling across my path. There is not much else here, apart from a rusted drainpipe on the right, reaching up to the roof. As I near the corner, I see something; something that could spell my defeat: Torchlight, around the corner.

"Oh crap" I breathe. I know what those lights belong to. Police. Police looking for me.

I know I cannot continue down this alley or I'm done for. I turn back, but the only other way is blocked by my original pursuers.

"Oh no. Nonononono".

In desperation, I run to the drainpipe and begin climbing, my hands bleeding from the sharp edges of the steel. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my shoulder. I glance over, and realise one thing: I'm done for...

It was a tranquiliser dart.

I continued climbing, but it was becoming more and more difficult, and eventually, I lost grip completely and fell to the ground. As I tried to pull myself to my feet, a strong arm slammed me to the ground again. I was unable to resist in my weakened state, and I heard the distinct click of a GRC being removed from the policeman's belt.

"Please no..."

It was too late. I felt the collar clamp around my neck, and my mind was overrun with one thing:

Fear.

Fear of these strange people, Fear of the bright lights. Primitive animal fear. I tried to escape, not out of wanting to save myself, not to escape the police, not to rid myself of the collar. Merely out of instinct. Pure Umbreon instinct.

I was an Umbreon, no more.

Eventually, I could no longer stand, and collapsed, unconcious, on the cold concrete. I vaguely felt my (now much smaller) body being scooped up and dumped in the boot of a car. But no more. I remembered no more.


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Yes, I know it's short, but the chapters will get longer as the story progresses
Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Cheers Guys

Umbra

Moonlight Amaryllis
22nd June 2012, 7:05 AM
Well, if it isn't another Poke-Morph fic! I see these all over.

Okay first of all, your writing isn't that bad. But there are some edges you should clean up, if you know what I mean. First of all...

I'm not to familiar with the term "carpark". Did you make it up or am I just stupid?
Also, if you're going with future tense, stay future tense. I saw a place where you went past.
Torchlight is two words, I think.
You spelled tranquilizer wrong.
What are you writing this with? Word? SpellCheck is nessesary.
Why do these guys want to capture our Umbreon-morph?
What's his (her?) name?
Try adding more detail, have a bit more action happen. We want to feel scared for the character's well being.

But I see a good future for this fic.

ジャ また。

chanseychansey77
22nd June 2012, 7:45 AM
Not bad, not bad. Certainly better than anything I've turned out... I kinda liked the part where he's states he's indifferent as whether he was half-human or half-Umbreon. Gives him sort a practical outlook on the whole thing; after all, he's being hunted all the same, and it makes sense for someone in his position to have that outlook.

I feel your prose is a bit blunt- of course, that is something to aim for these kind of things, but they're also supposed to be a bit more dramatic. So I suggest trying to go slightly more in-depth in your descriptions, though without losing very much of the bluntity.

Good luck, and keep it up! ...By the way, if JX Valentine, Breezy, Kutie Pie, or any of the moderators post below me disagree with what I say... Their advice takes higher priority. I am but an infant in my discipline when compared to them, so let's just avoid any confusion.

UmbraFox
22nd June 2012, 8:00 AM
Thanks for the feedback Moonlight and CC77.

Firstly, no, I didn't make the term 'carpark' up, nor are you stupid. It is just another term for 'parking lot'. In the US (I assume?), some words are different to those used here in Australia. Same goes for 'tranquiliser'. Words have different spellings in different countries (eg. Meter - US. Metre - UK/Aus). If you change spellcheck settings in word to Australian or UK English, then tranquilliser is correct.

As for everything else, thanks for pointing it out for me. I'm not exactly what we'd call elite when it comes to writing, so I'll take all the feedback I can get.

Moonlight Amaryllis
22nd June 2012, 7:42 PM
Thanks for the feedback Moonlight and CC77.

Firstly, no, I didn't make the term 'carpark' up, nor are you stupid. It is just another term for 'parking lot'. In the US (I assume?), some words are different to those used here in Australia. Same goes for 'tranquiliser'. Words have different spellings in different countries (eg. Meter - US. Metre - UK/Aus). If you change spellcheck settings in word to Australian or UK English, then tranquilliser is correct.

As for everything else, thanks for pointing it out for me. I'm not exactly what we'd call elite when it comes to writing, so I'll take all the feedback I can get.

You're welcome, always happy to help.

Stupid foreign writing stuff. I never get it right.

Do you have the plot all set up in your head, if you don't mind me asking?

UmbraFox
23rd June 2012, 12:51 PM
I have the plot mapped out in my brain, to a point. I know the general direction of the story, but just as a personal preference, I let the plot later in the story evolve on it's own (not entirely though. I still point it in the right direction), so that it's an adventure for me as well as the reader. Otherwise I don't think I would enjoy writing enough to make myself do it.