PDA

View Full Version : Case of the missing plushie [PG-13]



はるひ
27th June 2012, 6:51 AM
I'm putting Space on hiatus because for one, I'm playing the new Pokemon and two, my mind wanted to experiment with something I've been wanting to do: write about Team Plasma, Rocket and the new team I made up, Team Ghetsis. This had been in my head for sometime and I wanted to try it out.

Note; while Ghetsis' team is evil, Teams Rocket and Plasma are hero teams in this Pokeverse. Team Rocket is a detective team and Team Plasma are basically a team who fights to make Unova (and the world) better for Pokemon, even having an adoption center for them. In case someone comments, there it is.

Also, names. Koybito is his nickname given by the girl he loves (though she doesnt know he loves her) He says his real name at the end. I realize that Koybito means sweetheart or sweetie. Which is why the nickname, Shouldn't that tell you that she loves him to?

Also rated for cursing and some sexual contact

Prologue:

It was 2:30 AM.

A dark shadow loomed through the house. The silhouette of a person was moving quietly, taking care not to wake anyone up. Slowly, the person tiptoed through the long hallway and up the stairs, avoiding security detectors that could go off if they detect an intruder. At the end, was a room with the door partially opened. Being careful not to make any creaking sounds, a gloved hand reached up and slowly pushed the door open. It made a slight creaking sound, however it wasn’t enough to wake the person sleeping in the room, or anyone else for that matter.

The person tiptoed into the room and beside the bed where a young girl was heavily asleep. Making sure the girl was asleep; the figure then went over to a tall bookcase. On the top shelf of the bookcase was a medium-sized, somewhat-torn brown teddy bear, sitting in the middle of the books. The problem was that it was also wedged between the books, so the figure raised a hand and proceeded to carefully pull the toy from the shelf.

In the midst of doing so, a couple of books began to fall to the floor. The figure looked back to see if that girl had woken but, but surprisingly, she hadn’t. The girl was such a heavy sleeper that only something much louder than a few tumbling books could wake her. While the books dropping didn’t wake her up, it did catch the attention of someone else living in the house. The shadow of another person was slowly creeping its way towards the room.

The figure in the room was busy inspecting the plush bear, pulling down the zipper located in the middle. However, before they could reach into the pocket, a sudden, hard knock on the door prevented the intruder from reaching into the pocket. The figure jumped and quickly turned around to see the figure of a young male standing by the room entrance. The guy had a flashlight, and upon seeing the intruder, he shined the light on the person as he came closer.

“Son of a gun...” whispered the intruder, who immediately bolted to the window, with the bear in tow.

The male rushed to the side of the girl’s bed to check if she had been tampered with. So far, she had no marks on her and the covers weren’t messed with. He smiled at the sleeping girl as he gently rubbed her back. He then looked up at the intruder with his eyes smoldered in malice. Knowing that the intruder was in the young girl’s room, and how protective he was of this particular girl, the male took no chances. He ran after the intruder and before the figure could escape out the open window, and kicked the thief in the legs, causing the intruder to fall against the window sill. While the figure was cursing under her or her breath, the young male clapped his hands. With that, the lights came on and looking upon the intruder, he couldn’t believe his eyes.

The intruder was a female and she looked like she was in her late teens. She was dress mostly in light black and gray shirt and leggings and a pale blue mini skirt. She was also wearing a blue scarf around her face and had dark blue knee high combat boots. However what caught the male’s attention was the logo on her shirt. There was a big blue and black letter G on the corner; which meant that she was part of Team Ghetsis, an evil team notorious for wanting to take over Unova.

While it was surprising to the peach haired boy that the intruder was a girl, he didn’t care either way. The fact of the matter was that this girl broke into the house, and was in his best friend’s room, trying to steal something precious from her. However, had the intruder been male, he would have wanted to kill him further, and one would understand why he would do such a thing. He would have thought that a male would hurt the girl. But whether the intruder was male or female, the boy couldn’t take chances at the moment. Not when they are stealing from the one he loves.

Wanting to get to the bottom of the situation, the teenaged male knelt down to her level and to keep her from escaping. He firmly put his hand onto her shoulder to try to pin her against the wall. His green eyes narrowed as he saw her squint her light brown eyes. He could tell she was trying to smirk, but couldn’t see it through the scarf. He also took a quick scan at her person to make sure there were no visible weapons she could attack him with while he was unarmed.

“Explain to me why you are here,” the boy demanded more than asked. “This is Team Plasma’s house.”

The older girl narrowed her eyes as she began to let out a dark chuckle. “Ah, I remember you. Remember me? I was the one who tried to hold your girlfriend captive while my associates were looking for someone. Remember, she wanted to meddle so we captured her and you saved her.”

“Yes, she was trying to stop you people from trying to hurt an innocent school Pokemon, and she succeeded. She knows, I know and Team Plasma knows that’s wrong for you to do to do. And for the umpteenth time, she’s not my girlfriend,” he said as he raised his voice. “Answer my question now!”

The girl began to laugh even harder as tears were almost forming in her eyes. The young boy didn’t let his guard down. He demanded answers from the Team Ghetsis member and wasn’t going to let her go until she gave them to him. So far, all she was doing is talking in circles, which was annoying the male. She was really skating on thin ice.

“Koybito…” she whispered under her breath. “Ah, I totally remember you, Koybito. In fact that was the only thing I liked about you; your name. By the way, you ain’t the boss of me. People do things for a reason. As for me, I’m here because I was sent here by my boss. I’m here for the thing that tells us where the more important Pokemon are and what powers we could harness. Sources told me that it’s in this stupid plush bear, if I could now take my leave.”

The Team Ghetsis member took her right hand and used it to attempt to take aggravated boy’s hand off of her shoulder. Though the girl was slightly stronger than he was, Koybito wasn’t budging. In fact, though he got answers, he was still upset. All she was doing was stalling the situation. He felt that she was still spinning around in circles at the moment. Beside the point, the fact she was stealing and using it for evil purposes set the peach haired boy to the edge.

“Hey, don’t be so mad, Koybee. I’m only doing what my boss wants me to do,” the girl said as she successfully took his hand off of her. “Name’s Aida by the way. Nice to meet you, but I got to run.”

As Aida got up from the floor and was about to take her leave out the open window, Koybito couldn’t help but narrow his eyes at the plush bear that was behind the administrator’s back. As she as she got one leg out the window, the boy started to ball his fists. He was quite upset that she’s stealing something that was precious to the one he loves. The young girl, for as long as Koybito has known her, never went anywhere without the toy as for good reason. The image of her being crushed was enough to make the boy jump up and grab the older girl’s arm.

‘You know, you are very lucky Elina isn’t seeing this’ Koybito thought as he reached for the plush bear.

However, the girl wasn’t giving up without a fight. She brought herself back inside the house and began to kick the boy in the mid-section. After she had done so, she quickly went over to the window and proceeded to get herself on the outside. The force was great enough to knock him down to the floor. However, ignoring the pain in his stomach, the boy managed to stagger his way over to the window whilst Aida was fully outside of the house. At that time, Koybito ran over to Elina’s bedside and tried his best to wake her up.

“Elina! Wake up! Wake up!” he said urgently as he shook her lightly.

Her eyes fluttered as she slowly began to turn on her back and sit up on her bed. With her eyes half opened, she looked over at Koybito and gave him a smile. This made him blush as he thought that she looked beautiful and even more so when she smiled. However, he couldn’t mesmerize himself with her at the moment. He had to tell her right away what had happen. But before he could begin to tell her, he heard the sound of something dropping to the ground coming from outside. By the time he ran to the window, the intruder had gotten away and he couldn’t chase after her now. All Koybito could do was tell Elina what happened. So he went back to her side and took her hand.

“There was someone who was trying to break into the house. I heard them as soon as they were messing with your bookshelf, so, knowing that they were in your room, I ran as fast as I could. When I got there, I saw that the intruder had your teddy bear in hand and I know how much it meant to you so I tried my darndest to get it back. I then found out that the intruder was a girl and she told me that in the bear pocket, there was something that Team Ghetsis wanted. So with that, she managed to out muscle me and escape,” Koybito told her. “I am truly sorry, Elina.”

“But Koybito, how could anyone break in if King Neutral just put in security devices about two weeks ago?” Elina asked as she yawned.

“First of all sweetie, it’s Natural, secondly, security systems can be bypassed these days,” he explained. “Anyway, you need to get up. I’m going to wake up the others and we are all going to meet in the living room.”

He stuck out his hand as a motion for Elina to grab it. She took his hand as she also got out of bed. Once they were both on their feet, they gave each other a short but endearing embrace before the young boy went off to wake the others. Meanwhile, Elina went over to her bookcase, where she found that some of her books were scattered on the floor. She picked up the three books and proceeded to put them back on the top shelf. When she finished, however, she noticed that there was one important item that was missing: her teddy bear.

Koybito was right, someone had stolen it. She couldn’t believe that one of her most prized possessions was gone. The last place she remembered it being at was on her bookshelf, and it couldn’t have decided to grow legs and walk out the house on its own. Plus that toy once belonged to someone she was very close to before it was given to her. Ever since the day she lost that person, she has always carried the plush bear with her everywhere she went.


Elina nodded as she walked slowly out of her room with her head down. It was dark, and since the others were going to meet in the living room, she wanted to me among them, so that nothing would happen to her. As she went down the stairs, she noticed that there were already two girls there sitting beside each other on a sofa. One had red hair and the other had yellow hair and were both sporting the official Team Plasma sleepwear, similar to what Elina was wearing. The white shirt had the logo on it while the pants were just plain white.

There was also another girl sitting on the arm of the green sofa whilst a guy was sitting on the sofa casually. They were apprentices for this team since they don’t have the official team uniforms. The aqua haired guy wore plain robot sleepwear while the light blue haired girl had a long pink robe. Coming down the stairs was another apprentice, another girl. She had chest length dark blue hair and wore a long shirt with the Team Magma logo in the middle. She went over and sat down next to the aqua haired young man on the sofa.

Elina went over to the loveseat that was adjacent to the green sofa and proceeded to sit. Tears started to well up in her eyes as she thought about what could happen to her toy. If Team Ghetsis rendered it useless, they could do something was cruel as tear it apart. She just sat there as she felt as if her heart was slowly ripping apart; the memories of the one who took care of her were coming back up. The pain in her chest was slowly growing intense. As soon as her tears began to flow down her face, she just let all her feelings out.

However, the feeling of someone coming in and sitting next to her while slowly putting his arm around her did calm her down a bit. For her tears stopped flowing down her face and was now collecting themselves on to her eyes.

“Okay guys, the reason why I woke you up was because someone broke in not too long ago,” Koybito started to say as he stood up. “And before anyone says that N put security systems in the house, they could be easily bypassed. Anyway, she came and stole Elina’s teddy bear right out of her room. I got into a fight with her and she left, but-”

“Wait!” the red haired girl shouted as she interrupted his speech. “You mean to tell me that you woke me up at 2:50AM just to tell me that someone broke in and stole your girlfriends toy?! What the hell?”

“Kammy, do not interrupt me when I am speaking. Second, I’m going to ignore that last part since I’ve told you many times that she and I aren’t in a relationship. Do not piss me off,” Koybito shouted as his face got a little red. “Now as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, she told me that there was something important that Team Ghetsis wants and it’s inside the teddy bear. She also said something about the item guiding them to different Pokemon and whatnot. We need to see what this item is.”

Elina quickly got up from the couch and proceeded to wrap her arms tightly around Koybito, burying her head in his chest while letting her feelings out. Though he failed to retrieve the item, she knew that he tried his best and could never fault him for that. Plus, he was always there when she needed him and right now, this was a moment in which she really needed his presence. While he was trying his best to calm her down, tears started to well up and flow down Koybito’s face as he was holding his friend. He knew that she loved that thing and could feel her pain.

“Koybito… that used to be my mom’s toy,” Elina started to say as she was fighting her tears. “She had that when she was a kid and then she gave it to me once I got older. I have always had it along with my Pokemon log book. But, one day she went on a cruise and she never came back. This was the only thing that reminded me of her, Koybito. And now it’s gone…”

Now he understood as to why she valued that thing so much. Elina’s mom must have gotten lost at sea or worst, and that bear was the only thing she had to remind her of her. However there was one other thing that stuck out about her sentence… Pokemon log book.

“I’m sincerely sorry, Elina,” he started to say. “Is it alright if I asked you one thing? The Pokemon log book…”

“That was a book I have written in for some time. It was like an autograph book but with more information. I have gotten signatures from most of the strong ones in the region. And I’ve also written about their powers, purpose and how strong they were,” she answered.

So that’s why Team Ghetsis wanted that book. So they could capture the strongest Pokemon out there, which would be the legendries, and use them for their own evil purpose. Now, Koybito totally understood that Aida meant by the book and now was more determined to get it back along with the toy Elina desired.

Ememew
7th July 2012, 5:09 AM
I'm putting Space on haitus (hiatus) because for one, I'm playing the new Pokemon and two, my mind wanted to experiment with something I've been wanting to do: write about Team Plasma, Rocket and the new team I made up, Team Ghetsis. This had been in my head for sometime (some time) and I wanted to try it out.

Note; while Ghetsis' team is evil, Teams Rocket and Plasma are hero teams in this Pokeverse. Team Rocket is a detective team and Team Plasma are basically a team who fights to make Unova (and the world) better for Pokemon, even having an adoption center for them. In case someone comments, there it is.

Also, names. Koybito is his nickname given by the girl he loves (tho (though/although she doesnt (doesn’t) know he loves her) He says his real name at the end. I realize that Koybito means sweetheart or sweetie. Which is why the nickname, Shouldn't that tell you that she loves him to? lol (see comment below)

Also rated for cursing and some sexual contact (content?) Although I usually don’t make comments on the “author’s notes” portions of a story, I will here. When you take the time to double-check your spelling in the notes, this helps readers know you’re serious about the story you’re writing. If you use “tho” instead of “though” and terms like “lol” in the notes before your fic, it makes it look like you’re not all that serious about your own writing and turns off potential readers before they even see the story.

Likewise the e is constantly missing its accent in Pokémon. If you’re not sure how to add it, it depends on the writing program you use. Usually there’s a way to “insert special characters” in a writing program like Word. If you can’t find it in the program you use, you can always use the lazy kid method of copying the é and pasting it into place the same way you would copy and paste your story into the forum’s text box.

Saying “Team Rocket is a good team” just like that is also a little odd. Is the reader to take this to mean that Team Rocket is out-of-character for the story, or are they supposed to accept that this is some reformed version of the team? If it’s the former: why is it necessary to have a team of Rocket detectives? If the latter: the reader will expect to see the reasons for this major change explained or addressed in the story. As for Team Plasma . . . I guess if this is set post-B/W then I could see them learning to cut back on the extremism, but again it would be good to address the steps that brought them to this point. Especially in terms of Pokémon adoption – what made a team focused on removing Pokémon from humans decide to give them to people?

With that done, on to the first entry.


Prologue:

It was 2:30 AM.

A dark shadow loomed through the house. The silhouette of a person was moving quietly, taking care not to wake anyone up. Slowly, the tipped toed through the long hallway. At the end, was a room with the door partially opened. Being careful not to make any creaking sounds, a gloved hand reached up and slowly pushed the door open. It made a slight creaking sound, however it wasn’t enough to wake the person sleeping in the room, or anyone else for that matter.
You seem to be missing a noun when you say “the [figure? person? silhouette?] tipped toed.” Also, “tiptoed” is one word so the “tip” part doesn’t have to be in past tense.

The person tipped toed into the room and beside the bed where a young girl was heavily asleep. Making sure, the girl was asleep, the figure then went over to a tall bookcase. On top of the bookcase was a medium-sized, somewhat-torn brown teddy bear, sitting in the middle of the books. The problem was that it was also wedged between the books, so the figure raised a hand and proceeded to carefully pull the toy from the shelves. Once more “tipped toed” should be “tiptoed.”

You don’t need a comma after “making sure.”

You describe the toy’s position as “on top of the book case” but go on to say that it’s between books. Are there books on the actual top of the case or did you mean the top shelf? You need a comma between torn and brown as both are descriptive qualities of the bear. You also don’t need to say it was between the books twice. This might read more fluidly as “On the top shelf of the bookcase was a medium-sized, somewhat torn, brown teddy bear. Unfortunately, the bear was wedged between the books. . .”

The bear is only sitting on one shelf at a time, right? So shelves shouldn’t be plural here.

Finally, should the teddy bear just be a bear, or should it be described as a Teddiursa/Ursaring doll? A toy Pokémon might make more sense in a Pokémon world than a normal teddy. This is more of a nitpick, though.


In the midst of doing so, a couple of books began to fall to the floor. The figure looked back to see if that girl had woken but, but surprisingly, she hasn’t (hadn’t). It was because the young girl was actually a heavy sleeper. Nothing could really wake her up, unless it was loud enough. While the books dropping didn’t wake her up, it did catch the attention of someone else living in the house. The shadow of another person was creeping its way towards the room. As both of the statements mean the same thing, it might be better to drop one or combine them. Example: “The girl was such a heavy sleeper that only something much louder than a few tumbling books could wake her.”


The figure in the room was busy inspecting the plush bear, pulling down the zipper located in the middle. However, before they could reach into the pocket, they were interrupted by hard knocking on the door. The figure jumped and quickly turned around to see the figure of an young male standing by the room entrance. The guy had a flashlight on him, and upon seeing the intruder, he shined the light on the person as he came closer. Logic first: When the thief takes the time to look to make sure she didn’t wake up the kid, why didn’t she notice/prepare for the possibility of someone else in the house noticing? In the first few paragraphs you show her being cautious about the other people in the house, but here she seems to ignore the possibility that someone else might have been woken up.

Now onto the rest: “they” is a pronoun for multiple people. The intruder is singular. I know this is because you want to keep the intruder’s gender a secret for now, but it might help to reword it so you don’t have to use a pronoun. “A sudden, hard knock on the door prevented the intruder from reaching into the pocket[/B]

“A” comes before words starting with a consonant; “an” comes before words starting with a vowel. “Y” is tricky because it can be used as both a consonant and a vowel, but in this case it is treated as a consonant, so you would use “a”.

Omit the “on him” part, as it is unnecessary to understanding that the man has a flashlight.


“Son of a gun...” whispered the figure as they bolted towards the window, with the bear in tow.

Knowing that the intruder was in the young girl’s room, and how protective he was of this particular girl, the male took no chances. He ran after the intruder and before the figure could escape out the open window, and kicked him in the legs, causing the intruder to fall against the window sill. While the figure was cursing under her or her breath, the young male clapped his hands. With that, the lights came on and looking upon the intruder, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Once more, “they” is a plural pronoun. Try avoiding adding a pronoun by saying something like “ . . . whispered the intruder, who immediately bolted to the window . . .”

Pronouns are also the issue in the next paragraph. You say the man kicked “him” (the intruder) in the legs, even though the intruder turns out to be female. Maybe “kicked the thief in the legs” would help? You also say “her or her” when you meant “his or her.”

And now for logic: If the lights come on for a clap, wouldn’t the sound activation have turned them on during the commotion as the man and the intruder were fighting?

If the man’s so worried about the sleeping girl, why does “taking no chances” lead him to attack the intruder before checking on the girl’s condition?

Why is the window already standing open?

Also, just how much noise would it take to wake this heavy sleeper? As much a role as she’s had, the sleeping girl seems more like a part of the setting than a character. Why is it important that she be in the room at the time if she doesn’t do anything in the events that happen there? To justify the guy being motivated to get the intruder? I would think an intruder in someone’s house would be enough motivation to stop them, especially since he doesn’t even check the sleeping girl’s condition before giving chase. You should probably either A) make her more than scenery, or B) don’t have her in the room.


The intruder was a female; and she looked like she was in her late teens. She was dress mostly in light black and gray colors for her shirt and leggings and a pale blue for her mini skirt. She was also wearing a blue scarf around her face and had dark blue knee high combat boots. However what caught the male’s attention was the logo on her shirt. There was a big brown letter G on the corner; which meant that she was part of Team Ghetsis, an evil team notorious for wanting to take over Unova. When I think of a “G” on a uniform, I think of Team Galactic. Theirs is even a yellowish-brown color, too. If Team Ghetsis is supposed to be loosely based on the Team Plasma members who continued to follow Ghetsis in B2/W2, you might want to keep the blue and white color scheme that both previous Team Plasmas used in the letter to make it less confusing.

You don’t really need the semicolons after “female” and “corner.” Speaking of the word “female,” usually when talking about a person (as opposed to an animal), one uses the terms girl, young woman, or woman (depending on her age. Young woman would be the best in this case as she’s a late-teen). Likewise, you refer to the male character as “the male” when it might make more sense to say boy, young man, or man (again, depending on age. You’ve already used “young man,” so why not say it again?).

In describing how she’s dressed (past tense dressed is needed), you could make it less wordy by cutting out the bolded parts and leave it as “a light black and gray shirt and leggings” and “a pale blue miniskirt.” Although, why is she wearing both pants and a skirt?


While it was surprising to the peach-haired boy that the intruder was a girl, he didn’t care either way. The fact of the matter was that this girl broke into the house, and was in his best friend’s room, trying to steal something precious from her. However, had the intruder been male, he would have wanted to kill him further, and one would understand why he would do such a thing. But whether the intruder was male or female, the boy couldn’t take chances at the moment. Not when they are stealing from the one he loves. So . . . if a guy steals a teddy bear, it’s a crime worthy of the death-penalty while a girl can get off with a warning? Huh? Also, how can you say that the intruder’s gender doesn’t matter on either side of the statement in which you state that he would have wanted to punish a male more?

If the implication is that he thinks a guy might have hurt the kid instead of just stealing the bear, this comes completely out of nowhere – especially since he didn’t check on the kid first. Without knowing if the sleeping girl is OK or not, he has just as much reason of suspecting a guy of merely taking a toy as he would suspecting a girl of having harmed his friend. Either this character is stereotyping guys as predators or he’s stereotyping girls as innocents. Either way, the statements above don’t really make sense because he’s both claiming that it doesn’t matter what sex the intruder is while simultaneously saying that it does.


Wanting to get to the bottom of the situation, the teenaged male knelt down to her level and to keep her from escaping, he firmly put his hand onto her shoulder to try to pin her against the wall. His green eyes narrowed as he saw her squint her light brown eyes. He could tell she was trying to smirk, but couldn’t see it through the scarf. He also took a quick scan at her person to make sure there were no visible weapons she could attack him with while he was unarmed. You might want to make those into separate sentences between “escaping” and “he.”


“Yes, she was trying to stop you people from trying to hurt an innocent school Pokemon, and she succeeded. She knows, I know, and Team Plasma and Rocket know that’s wrong for you to do to do. And for the umpteenth time, she’s not my girlfriend,” he said as he raised his voice. “Answer my question now!” “School Pokémon?” Do you mean this as a Pokémon that attends school or a Pokémon that is in a school to teach the students about how to train them properly? This just seemed like an odd phrase to me.

Also the reasoning behind Team Rocket’s mention, let alone their sudden change of attitude toward Pokémon, is not built up and is unclear. Especially since Team Rocket is known for their willingness to commit Pokémon cruelty to make cash, including actions such as: 1) Killing Cubone and their Marowak mother to sell their skulls.
2) Cutting off the tails of Slowpoke to sell.
3) Forcing what is implied to be a painful evolution process on Magikarp because Gyarados are worth more.
And other crimes against Pokémon if you expand what canon you’re using. So with Team Rocket’s past in mind, this turnaround needs to be explained and explained well.


The girl began to laugh even harder as tears were almost forming in her eyes. The young boy didn’t let his guard down. He demanded answers from the grunt and wasn’t going to let her go until she gave them to him. So far, all she’s (she was) doing is talking in circles, which was annoying the male. She was really skating on thin ice.

“Koybito…” she whispered under her breath. “Ah, I totally remember you, Koybito. In fact that was the only thing I liked about you; your name. By the way, you ain’t the boss of me. People do things for a reason. As for me, I’m here because I was sent here by my boss. I’m here for the thing that tells us where the more important Pokemon are and what powers we could harness. Sources told me that it’s in this stupid plush bear, if I could now take my leave.” The secret to controlling what are implied to be legendary Pokémon is hidden in . . . a kid’s toy?

A teddy bear?

Um . . . that seems like a very illogical place to put something of that magnitude. Especially since so far all implications are that this toy is still played with. As the toy’s somewhat torn and it has a zipper, wouldn’t whoever owns the toy have already found whatever was inside before this point? This makes no sense as a hiding place for a powerful device. Sorry to say it, but this really doesn’t work.


The Team Ghetsis grunt took her right hand and used it to attempt to take aggravated boy’s hand off of her shoulder. Though the girl was slightly stronger than he was, Koybito wasn’t budging. In fact, though he got answers, he was still upset. For one, the grunt, like most people, used his special nickname that was given to him by his best friend. He couldn’t really fault her for that since she didn’t know his real name. Beside the point, the fact she was stealing and using it for evil purposes set the peach haired boy to the edge. If you say he’s angry that she used the nickname, why do you go on to say he isn’t upset about that point? If he doesn’t like them using his special nickname and doesn’t want them to know his real name, why doesn’t he give them a fake name to call him?


“Hey, don’t be so mad, Koybee. I’m only doing what Ghetsis wants me to do,” the girl said as she successfully took his hand off of her. “Name’s Aida by the way. I’m actually, higher up in rank hence the shoes. I’m a Team Ghetsis administrator.” Ranks are distinguished by footwear? Why is a criminal introducing herself, anyway? Wouldn’t that make it easier for the police to track her if he reports her? Or is Aida a codename?

Also, you don’t need a comma between actually and higher. Although, I don’t recall him actually calling her a grunt aloud, so unless she’s a mind reader, why is she telling him her rank is “higher” than a grunt, anyway?


As Aida got up from the floor and was about to take her leave out the open window, Koybito couldn’t help but narrow his eyes at the plush bear that was behind the administrator’s back. As she as she got one leg out the window, the boy started to ball his fists. He was quite upset that she’s stealing something that was precious to the one he loves. The young girl, for as long as Koybito has known her, never went anywhere without the toy as for good reason. The image of her being crushed was enough to make the boy jump up and grab the older girl’s arm. She just said she wanted the bear, so why does he seem surprised that she still has it? Since the girl who owns the bear has had it for a while, does this mean she knows what’s inside it? If so, then why never tell Koybito? If not, then how has she never found something inside a bear in the entire time she’s owned it?


‘You know, you are very lucky Elina isn’t seeing this’ Koybito thought as he reached for the plush bear.

However, the girl wasn’t giving up without a fight. With the leg that was still on the other side of the window, she used it to kick the boy in the mid-section. Woah, hold on a second. She has one leg out the window and the other inside kicking. How does she not fall out the window from the force of the kick when half her body is already outside? Is she standing on solid ground outside? If the window’s at ground level, then why didn’t she just try to get in through the room she was targeting in the first place?
The force was great enough to knock him down to the floor. However, ignoring the pain in his stomach, the boy managed to stagger his way over to the window whilst Aida was fully outside of the house. As soon as he made it to the window, the Team Ghetsis admin just ran away into the night.

At this point, there was nothing Koybito could do. He couldn’t go out to chase her down, plus he didn’t want to leave Elina behind; not after what just happened. So to keep her safe, we went over to the closet, grabbed an extra comforter and layed (laid) down on the floor, next to her bed. He was a light sleeper, so any noises that come along, he would be able to hear them easily. As he was laying there, many thoughts were running through his mind before he fell asleep. Logic: Why doesn’t he just wake Elina so she knows what’s up and then go after the bear (which is obviously important!)?


How could I prevent something like this? And how am I going to tell Elina about this? Damn you, Steve. Damn you! You could have tried harder. Just harder. Ah, what to do now. And what the hell could Elina be keeping in that bear that Team Ghetsis wants? OK, if the implication is that Elina knows what’s inside the bear, it makes even less sense to just have her sleep throughout the encounter and continue to do so after Aida gets away.

Overall: The story could be greatly improved if you treat Elina as more than just a part of the setting. Even if she was a heavy enough sleeper to not notice a loud fight happening in her room, Koybito/Steve should still have woken her up after the thief got away. The entire point of her being in the room at all just seems to have been to make Steve(?) worry that a male intruder might have done something bad to her even though there was no male intruder (and that scene was a very awkward moment of negative stereotyping about males anyway where he can’t seem to decide whether the intruder’s gender mattered or not).

The prologue could be fixed a lot by either making Elina more than scenery or removing her from the area entirely during the theft.

I’m not really up to part two at the moment, so that’s all for now.

はるひ
10th July 2012, 1:31 AM
Although I usually don’t make comments on the “author’s notes” portions of a story, I will here. When you take the time to double-check your spelling in the notes, this helps readers know you’re serious about the story you’re writing. If you use “tho” instead of “though” and terms like “lol” in the notes before your fic, it makes it look like you’re not all that serious about your own writing and turns off potential readers before they even see the story.

Yes, I do understand that I spell on a third grade level. But yeah, I thought I could speak how I wanted in notes and chuckle since I wasn't really telling the story. But I'll fix that part.



Saying “Team Rocket is a good team” just like that is also a little odd. Is the reader to take this to mean that Team Rocket is out-of-character for the story, or are they supposed to accept that this is some reformed version of the team? If it’s the former: why is it necessary to have a team of Rocket detectives? If the latter: the reader will expect to see the reasons for this major change explained or addressed in the story. As for Team Plasma . . . I guess if this is set post-B/W then I could see them learning to cut back on the extremism, but again it would be good to address the steps that brought them to this point. Especially in terms of Pokémon adoption – what made a team focused on removing Pokémon from humans decide to give them to people?


I'll say that this is a reformed version of the team since I did say in PM that I wanted to go with only a handful of grunts wanting to reform rather than the entire team. I shouldnt have said the whole team, just the handful of reformed.




Logic first: When the thief takes the time to look to make sure she didn’t wake up the kid, why didn’t she notice/prepare for the possibility of someone else in the house noticing? In the first few paragraphs you show her being cautious about the other people in the house, but here she seems to ignore the possibility that someone else might have been woken up.

True... she was thinking that because she was in a different room, no one else would be able to hear her go in or do whatever. Except for the girl in the room of course.



And now for logic: If the lights come on for a clap, wouldn’t the sound activation have turned them on during the commotion as the man and the intruder were fighting?

well, a kicking/crashing sound is different than a clapping sound. I have one of those clap off lamps but when i move things or make noises, it doesnt come on, only when i clap.


If the man’s so worried about the sleeping girl, why does “taking no chances” lead him to attack the intruder before checking on the girl’s condition?

he wanted to attack the intruder first before they hurt the girl.



Although, why is she wearing both pants and a skirt?

that's the style these days. *points to avatar*


So . . . if a guy steals a teddy bear, it’s a crime worthy of the death-penalty while a girl can get off with a warning? Huh? Also, how can you say that the intruder’s gender doesn’t matter on either side of the statement in which you state that he would have wanted to punish a male more?

If the implication is that he thinks a guy might have hurt the kid instead of just stealing the bear, this comes completely out of nowhere – especially since he didn’t check on the kid first. Without knowing if the sleeping girl is OK or not, he has just as much reason of suspecting a guy of merely taking a toy as he would suspecting a girl of having harmed his friend. Either this character is stereotyping guys as predators or he’s stereotyping girls as innocents. Either way, the statements above don’t really make sense because he’s both claiming that it doesn’t matter what sex the intruder is while simultaneously saying that it does.


it's not so much the teddy bear, it's more so fear that the intruder would have hurt Elina in the worst possible way. Like I said in PM, it's sad that most people equate sexual assaults (that's implied) to men being the aggressor., but that's how most people think. With Koybito, he sees male intruder in Elina's room = trouble. When it turned out that the intruder was female, THAT weight was lifted off his shoulders.

In a way in his mind, he's trying ti tell himself that gender didnt play it role when it did.


“School Pokémon?” Do you mean this as a Pokémon that attends school or a Pokémon that is in a school to teach the students about how to train them properly? This just seemed like an odd phrase to me.

Pokemon who attend school. This is in the same universe as my other stories.



Also the reasoning behind Team Rocket’s mention, let alone their sudden change of attitude toward Pokémon, is not built up and is unclear. Especially since Team Rocket is known for their willingness to commit Pokémon cruelty to make cash, including actions such as: 1) Killing Cubone and their Marowak mother to sell their skulls.
2) Cutting off the tails of Slowpoke to sell.
3) Forcing what is implied to be a painful evolution process on Magikarp because Gyarados are worth more.
And other crimes against Pokémon if you expand what canon you’re using. So with Team Rocket’s past in mind, this turnaround needs to be explained and explained well.

I know about number 2 and 3 but I didnt know they killed. But then again, it's so them. Most Pokemon in this universe are humanized and the Pokemon talked about is a human Poke (Kuyrem (sp)to be exact). They still cut off fins and tails for food and profit but they dont kill in this story.

Reason why no build up was because I didnt want to take the focus off the main characters.


Ranks are distinguished by footwear? Why is a criminal introducing herself, anyway? Wouldn’t that make it easier for the police to track her if he reports her? Or is Aida a codename?

Pretty much. The ones who wear boots are the higher up members. the ones with loafers are the grunts. Oh and she didnt say her last name. And I didnt even think about who the police would be.



Logic: Why doesn’t he just wake Elina so she knows what’s up and then go after the bear (which is obviously important!)?

It was late at night. He could have tried shaking her but she'll be too into from her sleep to grasp whats going on.

I shall fix this when i can.

Ememew
10th July 2012, 2:05 AM
Yes, I do understand that I spell on a third grade level. But yeah, I thought I could speak how I wanted in notes and chuckle since I wasn't really telling the story. But I'll fix that part. I was not saying that to insult you're spelling skills. I was just suggesting that if you put as much effort into the comments as the story itself, readers will be more likely to see you as serious.

I'll say that this is a reformed version of the team since I did say in PM that I wanted to go with only a handful of grunts wanting to reform rather than the entire team. I shouldnt have said the whole team, just the handful of reformed. Again, the issue isn't so much that they're reformed Rockets, but how they have become that way. This needs to be clear. I get that you don't want to spoil points in the comments before the fic, but you need to show some of what led to this point sooner rather than later.

well, a kicking/crashing sound is different than a clapping sound. I have one of those clap off lamps but when i move things or make noises, it doesnt come on, only when i clap. I get that, but you'd think an actual struggle between two characters fighting each other might contain noises that mimic the clapping sound that would activate the clapper light. There's a difference in the noise levels of moving things and fighting with someone.

that's the style these days. *points to avatar* That's a style. I guess it can work. Just seemed odd to me.

it's not so much the teddy bear, it's more so fear that the intruder would have hurt Elina in the worst possible way. Like I said in PM, it's sad that most people equate sexual assaults (that's implied) to men being the aggressor., but that's how most people think. With Koybito, he sees male intruder in Elina's room = trouble. When it turned out that the intruder was female, THAT weight was lifted off his shoulders. The problem is that he doesn't think this until after he has already seen that the intruder was a woman. It just seems like you're bringing it up to emphasize what Elina could have been a victim of rather than relating it to what was actually going on.

Pokemon who attend school. This is in the same universe as my other stories. OK, I'm going to take a moment to point out the issues this poses for a story centered around Team Plasma. In the games, the debate between Team Plasma and other characters about whether people can train Pokemon is based on the fact that within that universe Pokemon are animals that cannot speak for themselves under normal circumstances. In a world with humanoid, sentient Pokemon there are actually ways for people to ask Pokemon their opinions on training. Just some food for thought: how would humanoid Pokemon change the way Team Plasma had to have operated?

I know about number 2 and 3 but I didnt know they killed. But then again, it's so them. Most Pokemon in this universe are humanized and the Pokemon talked about is a human Poke (Kuyrem (sp)to be exact). They still cut off fins and tails for food and profit but they dont kill in this story. The first one was from Red/Green/Blue/Yellow and their FireRed/LeafGreen remakes. In Lavander Town you discover that Team Rocket had been killing Cubone to sell their skulls and their Marowak mother when she tried to get away. The player has to defeat the ghost of the Marowak to calm her spirit and allow her to pass on. Anyway, this is why you should do as much research as you can about the subject matter you're writing about. If you change some aspects of what Team Rocket did but not others, people will want to know why certain crimes are left out.

Reason why no build up was because I didnt want to take the focus off the main characters. The reason I brought that one up is because they didn't need to be mentioned at all. The fact that he adds Team Rocket to the list of people he's talking about just comes out of nowhere.

Pretty much. The ones who wear boots are the higher up members. the ones with loafers are the grunts. Oh and she didnt say her last name. And I didnt even think about who the police would be. Anything that helps narrow down her identity - her rank and her name (even if she doesn't give her last name) - can help police find her when Koybito goes to the police to report a break-in and theft (as he should). It just seems careless for her to reveal so much information.

It was late at night. He could have tried shaking her but she'll be too into from her sleep to grasp whats going on. That's not the only thing he could do, though. He could also have called the police to report the breaking and entering and theft (the police take calls all night long). Just waiting until morning - especially after he's told that the item in the bear is important - just makes him seem incompetent, which is the reason I brought it up. Characters tend to be more likable when they use common sense.

Now for the other entry. Let me begin by saying that most of my issues with this chapter stem from Koybito’s decision to wait until morning to do anything about the situation. Almost everything in the chapter could still be accomplished or made stronger by picking up the action immediately after Aida’s escape, and the only part that seemed to need to wait until morning to happen was also what I saw as the weakest part of the chapter. With that said, I’m not sure whether to review this chapter as it is or to suggest how it might have been better if Koybito had decided to act right away. I guess I’ll work both into this review.

“Koybito! Wake up! Wake Up!”

The calming effect of the soft, high-pitched voice was soothing to his ears, enough to want to try to wake up. The exclamation points in the first sentence convey a sense of urgency or excitement, yet the follow up is a description of a calm voice. You will want to make this more consistent by either changing the punctuation of the original sentence or making the voice more urgent in the follow up.
The peach haired kid opened his eyes to see a girl, knelt by his side. She had light orange hair cut to her shoulders and bright blue eyes. She was wearing a dark blue shirt that was a three-quarter sleeve with a white t-shirt layered on top, which bared the Team Plasma logo; paired with a light blue mini-skirt and dark blue pants. To him, she was indeed breathtaking. Are her clothes breathtaking, or is she? Since you write about her outfit last before the line where he finds her beautiful, it almost makes it look like the clothes make her that way. Reorder the description to begin with her clothing and land on her face last and this will seem a lot stronger.

You don’t need a comma in “girl, knelt” and the tense should make it “girl kneeling.”

The description of the sleeve length might sound better as “she was wearing a dark blue, three-quarter sleeve shirt with a white t-shirt layered on top . . .”

“bared” should be “bore.” You also don’t need a semicolon between logo and paired.

Upon seeing the girl, Koybito quickly sat up and gave her a blank stare, as if he was unsure what to say or do. He was both mesmerized and nervous at the same time; mesmerized because he truly was in love with her and seeing her smile makes him warm inside. Nervous because of what happened last night and how he was going to break it to her. She just seemed so happy at the moment and to break her spirit… that would come off as being wrong. His blank expression quickly changed to a smile as he touched the left side of the girl’s face with the palm of his hand. At the first bolded part: you don’t need to explain why he was mesmerized and nervous. The reader can tell from the previous paragraph and the use of the term mesmerized that he’s in love with her, and presumably the reader has read the previous chapter before this point and would thus know why he’s nervous as well. The follow up sentence clears up any confusion about his nervousness, so I think you could omit the first bolded part.

As for the second: “break her spirit” seems a tad dramatic for her reaction to a missing toy. Maybe “to upset her would come off as wrong” would work better. If she actually falls into a depression over the loss of a toy, she probably needs much more help than just getting it back.

“Well… if you are wondering as to why you found me on the floor… you know… in your room,” the boy started to say. “Well, I don’t want to go into details but I wanted to protect you. So by me being here, no one would mess with you, should they break in.”

“But Koybito, how could anyone break in if Sir Neutral just put in security devices about two weeks ago?” Elina asked. So he decides to resolve the situation by . . . pretending it didn’t happen until such point as she discovers the missing bear on her own and otherwise dancing around the topic? He’s flat out lying to her over this when he knows how important the toy is to her. What, is he planning on pretending that nothing happened to the rest of Team Plasma as well, leaving them unaware that there are holes in the security system?

I know you mean this as Koybito “protecting” her from the truth, but it just comes off as deceptive at worst and foolish at best as she obviously discovers that it’s missing anyway. I have a suggestion about this scene within my spoiler at the end that might help this work better.

Also, N’s title in Team Plasma was King. Sir is associated with knights, and N’s higher ranked in Plasma than a knight would be.

“First of all sweetie, it’s Natural, secondly, security systems can be bypassed these days,” Koybito started to say as he got up from the floor. “They aren’t that reliable. The mention of the security system (as is) just seems to be there to inform the reader that there is one. It might help to include a scene of Aida actually bypassing it in the prologue before she’s sneaking down the hallway to show the system as there rather than just suggesting that it is.

He sticks (stuck) out his hand as a motion for Elina to grab it. She took his hand as she also got up from the floor. Once they were both on their feet, they gave each other a short but endearing embrace before the young boy went off to his room. Meanwhile, Elina went over to her bookcase, where she found that some of her books were scattered on the floor. She picked up the three books and proceeded to put them back on the top shelf. When she finished, however, she noticed that there was on (one) important item that was missing: her teddy bear.

It has (had) always sat on the top of the bookshelf and now it seemed like it disappeared. Panic started to set in as the young girl ran to her bed and proceeded to look under the blankets, pillows and even under the bed itself. She also looked in her dressers and in her walk-in closet but nothing. No trace of the toy was in her room. Tears started to well up in her blue eyes as she ran outside the room and into the living area where other Team Plasma members were lounging around. Again, being brought to tears by a missing toy makes more or less sense depending on how old this character is. If she’s implied to be old enough to be a member of Team Plasma, she should be able to find her toy is missing without “panic setting in,” even if it is a token from a lost loved one. That said, I think if you really want her to be this upset you could work this scene in at night. Getting worked up would make more sense if coupled with the stress of being jarred awake and discovering that an intruder was in her room than a calm morning setting with no one else reacting to anything wrong.
Tears started to well up in her blue eyes as she ran outside the room and into the living area where other Team Plasma members were lounging around. And here we have another problem with Koybito’s decision to wait until morning. There are a number of other people in the house. The first issue with this is that he knows there is a security hole and only protects a single person overnight, leaving the rest completely unaware that there could be any danger. The second is that with others around, there were also opportunities for him to wake up other people and get them to guard Elina/chase after Aida rather than just accept that the Team Ghetsis member got away with something important. The third is that no one else in the house at all woke up during the commotion from the fight. Even if the audience buys that Elina is a heavy enough sleeper to not notice, a fight should have alerted someone. Sorry if I sound annoyed about this point, but it just makes Koybito’s actions the previous night seem really incompetent and I don’t think you want him portrayed that way.

“Hey, have you seen stuffed bear?” Elina asked them with her voice quivering. I think you’re missing a “my” between seen and stuffed.

The young girls turned around to see her on the brink of tears. The red headed girl on the left stood sat there and crossed her arms as if she was annoyed, while the yellow haired girl on the right just raised an eyebrow at her. Both of these girls weren’t particularly fond of Elina. It was mostly because they saw her as a, airheaded, babyish, spoiled brat who always seemed to capture the attention one of the stronger grunts, who was (were) training to be knighted. The fact that Koybito would always stand up for and protect this girl was what the most annoying part was. To them, it seemed as if she was privileged but didn’t deserve to be. The entire bolded part is just exposition telling us how the characters feel and why. It would be much stronger writing to show their feelings toward her through building it up. We can clearly see that they dislike her and that they think Koybito gives her special treatment by the first girl’s words in the next paragraph, so saying this here doesn’t really help the story much.

“No, Elina I haven’t seen your stupid teddy bear,” the red headed girl replied in an annoyed tone. “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend? He’ll do anything for you.”

Elina felt herself going from sad to angry; her fists were balled tightly as she glared at the smart-mouthing young girl. She then used her right fist to strike her in her arm as hard as she can, which in return, the girl jumped from her stool and shoved her back; hard enough to make her fall backward. This just seems really childish and unprovoked from both sides, in no small part due to the telling rather than showing of their feelings towards each other. It comes out of nowhere and the jump to violence is not built up in the slightest. A fight between these characters would be better if saved for after the tension between them is built up and their characters and motives are both developed beyond “we don’t like each other.” As it is, the entire scene from the other girls’ introduction to Elina’s return to her room just looks added in to make Elina look picked on to earn her reader sympathy and it doesn’t do a good job of it because it looks forced rather than like a real conflict.
Elina had hated when people would mock her about Koybito being her boyfriend when he really wasn’t. He’s been her best friend since they were in the fourth grade and just because they’ve spent a lot of time together doesn’t suggest that they were dating. Though Elina had a crush on her friend for some time, she had always kept it secret. As before, show, don’t tell. This would be much stronger with a blushing Elina denying that Koybito’s her boyfriend (though calling him “sweetheart” doesn’t make it look like she’s exactly trying to hide her crush on him from anyone). The exposition about when/where they met could be saved for later backstory and character development as well.

“You better get your girl, Koybito,” the red head yelled. His girl? I thought we’d been over this . . .

Upon having his arm around her, feeling the warmth of his body as he pulled her towards him and feeling his breath going on to her neck, Elina feely just let her tears flow. It was bad enough that she had lost something that was special to her, but these two girls were giving her crap just for being her. Luckily, she was in the arms of someone who really cared about her. Again, that scene has absolutely no buildup which makes it seem like it’s only there to make you feel sorry for Elina. You seem to have a pattern in your work of your main female characters being picked on by everybody and having only their romantic-interest figure to support them, and it’s just not realistic and makes it seem like the universe is going out of its way to make her feel close to only one person who happens to also be attracted to her (and vice versa). This just isn’t realistic and makes her rather Sueish. Obviously, not everyone has to like everyone, but the idea of everyone but a single boyfriend-figure picking on her “just for being her” doesn’t work in a story.

“You know, in Kam’s defense, it’s not just her who thinks that,” the yellow haired girl started to say. “All of Team Plasma does and even members of Team Rocket think so as well. We can’t help but think so, so we joke around with you.” As with the previous chapter, the mention of Team Rocket comes out of nowhere and just serves to remind the reader that “Hey, Team Rocket is in the story too!” I’d hold off on referencing them until they show up unless you have something that makes their inclusion in a statement significant to the current events of the story.

“That’s true Haruhi, but still. A joke is one thing, but mocking us about it is what pisses me off. I can’t help it if I enjoy spending time with Elina,” he started to say. “I can’t help it that I enjoy her company. I also can’t help that she puts a smile on my face when I’m with her or that I’ve never felt this way around anyone before. I can’t help it and for people to mock me? If they have a problem with us together then they should just **** off.” No one talks like this. The swearing at the end just comes off as an attempt to return the rest of the statement to the way people actually say things like this, but just makes it more awkward and childish. Again, it comes off as telling the reader how a character feels rather than trying to show the reader through their actions and expressions. Him denying romantic feelings while stuttering and blushing would fit a lot better than what is practically a declaration of love that he’d probably only really say aloud after a bit more character development and probably alone to Elina rather than before a crowd that was just mocking them.

The room went silent. Although Koybito was glad let out his frustration no matter the choice of words, it donned on him that he was still holding Elina in his arms. While she appeared to not being hearing what was going on as she was still silently in tears, his face instantly turned red. He couldn’t believe that he almost stated his true feelings for the girl and right in front of her. Almost? Where was the almost part? He literally said “I feel happier around her than around anyone else just from her mere presence and I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before.” There was nothing subtle about it.
Koybito didn’t want Elina to know yet that he loved her until he was good and ready. Plus, he was afraid for the longest time of rejection. What if she didn’t have those same feelings? What if it ruined the bond they had? He was afraid of all these things and it was because he couldn’t see himself having feelings for anyone else but her. Again. Show. Don’t tell. Have him sweat or swallow to indicate his worry that she might reject him. It’s more subtle but much more effective.

“… Okay, I understand,” Haruhi said. “I’m sorry for giving you a hard time; actually we both did but yeah. Our gripe with her is what it is but I apologize.”

Kammy shook her head as her way to agree with her friend. “Yeah and though I have a problem with you, Elina I will be nice and say that I really haven’t seen your bear. Sorry,” she said as she nodded.

Elina nodded as she walked slowly to her room with her head down. Wait. Both Kammy and Haruhi say in no uncertain terms “We’re willing to apologize to Koybito but still hate Elina,” and neither Koybito nor Elina has any reaction whatsoever to this? Even if Elina’s too focused on the bear to care, shouldn’t Koybito do something that amounts to more than “I don’t mind that you hate Elina as long as you’re willing to suck up to me”? This makes no sense if he’s supposed to like her.
Once in her room, she looked up at the ceiling in utter disbelief. Tears once again started to well up in her eyes and flow down her face. It’s a missing toy. If she’s old enough to have romantic feelings toward Koybito, she should be mature enough not to break down over a toy she doesn’t even know was stolen yet. At this point, Koybito’s withholding of that information is starting to sound cruel – she’s been tormented by not knowing what happened to it for the last few exchanges and he’s still kept quiet until now. I know this isn’t your intent, but the lack of knowledge that her toy was stolen is protecting her from absolutely nothing and only lead to more pain for her when the other girls picked on her when she asked them where it was.

However, the feeling of someone coming up behind her and slowly wrapping their arms around her did calm her down a bit. For her tears stopped flowing down her face and was (were) now collecting themselves on to her eyes. How does he come from behind her when she’s laying on the bed staring at the ceiling?

“This is what I wanted to talk to you about, Elina,” Koybito started to say. “I know what happened to your bear.”
. . .
“You know what happened, Koybito?” she asked. He just said that.

He nodded as he began to tell her what happened. “It started like this: during the night, there was someone who was trying to break into the house. I heard them as soon as they were messing with your bookshelf, so, knowing that they were in your room, I ran as fast as I could. When I got there, I saw that the intruder had your teddy bear in hand and I know how much it meant to you so I tried my darndest to get it back. I then found out that the intruder was a girl and she told me that in the bear pocket, there was something that Team Ghetsis wanted. So with that, she managed to out muscle me and escape,” Koybito told her. “I am truly sorry, Elina.” There, was that so hard, Koybito? What about this had to wait until several hours after the thief escaped (and is now long gone)? The only thing that came out of this being saved for daylight was the scene where the other girls pick a fight with her with no buildup.

At that moment, Elina felt as if her world was crashing down on her. ‘So that’s why he slept in my room’ she thought as she just collapsed on the ground, on to her knees. The thing she cared about a lot was stolen from her. The worst part was that if Team Ghetsis rendered it useless, they could do something was cruel as tear it apart . . .Why would they bother? And if all that was in there was a log book, wouldn’t it already have been “rendered useless” by this point – several hours later – anyway?
She just sat there as she felt as if her heart was slowly ripping apart; the memories of the one who took care of her were coming back up. The pain in her chest was slowly growing intense. As soon as her tears began to flow down her face, she just let all her feelings out. Looks like Koybito wasn’t being overdramatic when he thought the news of a missing toy would “break her spirit.” However, such a reaction still doesn’t make much sense unless she’s all of eight years old, even with it being a memento of her missing/deceased mother. She’s literally breaking down over it. I would get tears of panic if this was still during the middle of the night after just waking up and with the knowledge that an intruder was still close, but here it seems too dramatized. Her being this distraught over its loss makes the decision to act like it didn’t happen until after she saw it was missing and especially the choice to wait until morning to do ANYthing seem even less credible.

She quickly got up from the floor and proceeded to wrap her arms tightly around Koybito, burying her head in his chest. Though he failed to obtain the item, she knew that he tried his best and could never fault him for that. Plus, he was always there when she needed him and right now, this was a moment in which she really needed his presence. While he was trying his best to calm her down, tears started to well up and flow down Koybito’s face as he was holding his friend. He didn’t know the extent of the story behind the toy but he knew that she loved that thing and could feel her pain.

“Koybito… that used to be my mom’s toy,” Elina started to say as she was fighting her tears. “She had that when she was a kid and then she gave it to me once I got older. I have always had it along with my Pokemon log book. But, one day she went on a cruise and she never came back. This was the only thing that reminded me of her, Koybito. And now it’s gone…”Obtain might be better replaced by “retrieve” since the people in the house were already the owners of the bear. The part about Koybito not knowing the story behind the bear can be dropped because we can figure that out from her telling him the story in the very next sentence (once more showing rather than telling).

Now he understood as to why she valued that thing so much. Elina’s mom must have gotten lost at sea or worst (worse), and that bear was the only thing she had to remind her of her. However there was one other thing that stuck out about her sentence… Pokemon log book.

“I’m sincerely sorry, Elina,” he started to say. “Is it alright if I asked you one thing? The Pokemon log book…”

“That was a book I have written in for some time. It was like an autograph book but with more information. I have gotten signatures from most of the strong ones in the region. And I’ve also written about their powers, purpose and how strong they were,” she answered.

So that’s why Team Ghetsis wanted that book. So they could capture the strongest Pokemon out there, which would be the legendries (legendaries), and use them for their own evil purpose. Now, Koybito totally understood that Aida meant by the book and now was more determined to get it back along with the toy Elina desired.Er . . . If she’s the one who’s been keeping this log book, then shouldn’t Elina also know why Team Ghetsis would want it? Here it looks as though Koybito’s coming to that conclusion for the both of them. As for the “signatures of the strongest ones,” once again: what would it mean for Team Plasma if Pokémon were sentient humanoids? I get that you probably mean that there are some humanoid Pokémon and some more traditionally animal Pokémon both in this world, but couldn’t the humanoid ones help translate the opinions of the animal ones or otherwise determine whether Pokémon liked being trained by humans or not?

As promised, here are my suggestions for if the above chapter took place the previous night rather than having the characters do absolutely nothing while awaiting the morning.
I’ll basically do this in order of what the chapter accomplished, starting from the characters waking up.

The main thing that happens when Elina wakes Koybito is that he notices how beautiful she is. This could be done just as easily if he was the one waking her up after the break in. The more urgent “Wake up!” might be more appropriate in this situation as well.

Koybito’s choice to lie to Elina by pretending the theft didn’t happen, especially when read alongside her search for it and her tears over not knowing what happened, seems more like cruelty than an attempt to protect her. The bear’s obviously important to her, so he should want to fill her in as soon as possible if he wants to help her cope with its loss rather than pretending nothing happened. Her delayed discovery until after the security is mentioned could still happen because she’s groggy from just being woken up rather than from him willingly withholding the information. Obviously, you’d want to write it with more feeling than this, but the conversation could go like this:
Koybito: “Elina, I’m sorry to wake you with bad news, but your bear’s been taken.”
Elina: “Huh? *rub eyes* No, you must be dreaming. That couldn’t happen with the new security system.”
Koybito: “Security systems can be bypassed. I’ll go inform the others. I just wanted you awake so you could defend yourself if anyone comes in again.”
*Koybito leaves about the same way he left to get dressed in the original; Elina discovers the proof of the missing bear.*

Obviously, that’s just a suggestion, but the same information could be conveyed and done so in pretty much the same order as the original while making Koybito look like a stronger (read: more competent) character.

I know I mentioned this above, but her being so distraught that she panics over the missing toy would make more sense at night when she’s upset by more than the missing toy. Koybito’s tired, worried face and tone of voice as he wakes her and the realization that a stranger was in her room would add to the stress of the scene and make her tears more realistic. Heck, the atmosphere of a dark room would also add to it a lot more than a daylight setting and a calm Koybito pretending nothing happened. The fact that she would go into the scene knowing it was stolen rather than merely lost would also make her reaction seem less out of place.

The other girls picking on Elina comes out of nowhere in the current version. Perhaps if it was coupled with the fact that they were woken up by the commotion of the fight and headed into the room, perhaps after checking the rest of the house to make sure there weren’t any other intruders or to see if anything else was missing (rather than lounging around) their annoyance wouldn’t seem as forced. They could even bring up the “special treatment” in terms of asking whether Koybito even planned on ever alerting the rest of the house to the thief’s intrusion. That is if you really must include it at all. Honestly, the girls being mean to Elina for no reason beyond “her being her/her getting special treatment” and Elina resorting to violence over it is the weakest part of the chapter and doesn’t make them or Elina relatable but rather seems to just continue a trend in your characters that isn’t very realistic.

はるひ
13th July 2012, 9:54 PM
okay I totally revamped this and combined both parts. So it's different than before.