PDA

View Full Version : Embrace



Drippy Miltank
29th June 2012, 8:18 AM
Hello and welcome to Embrace. After much pre-production, school and general laziness, I have finally started writing this thing. Expect slow chapter-posting. I'd like to thank Bay, my beta, for looking over my writing. If you find any errors, have questions/speculations, or want to discuss plot/characters please comment. Reviews are much appreciated as well.


Summary: A breeder joyously hatches a riolu for a client. To the dismay of the hatchling, the client never returns to claim him. Faced with an abandoned pokémon, the breeder vows to find the riolu's trainer and family.


Rating: Rated PG-15 for some language and sexual references. It can and will sometimes spike to an R rating for strongly implied sexy sex and sailor-approved language.



Prologue


Crisp air hung in the early morning hours of the Sinnoh mountain range.


At the foot of one mount, rested a small town, barely stirring as the sun began to surface. The few early-risers went about their business as usual, oblivious to the strange sight barreling down the tawny mountain side towards them.


A lone lucario, eyes wide, pulled Maylene down the mountainside at full speed. Unable to keep up, Maylene tripped on a head-sized boulder. The instant she lost her footing, the lucario wheeled around and caught her. His crimson eyes darting to the mountain's peak, he licked his dry lips and lifted her to her bare feet before resuming their frantic pace.


“I broke some toes, Teoxi,” she huffed between strides. The adrenaline in her system was numbing the pain, she knew.


A clear whisper registered in Maylene’s mind, dripping with echo and hollow resonance.


<You slipped in more ways than one; You´ve stopped cloaking your aura.>


“Damn it!” She placed a hand in her pink hair and glanced back. The invisible energy that all living things emanated, the aura, was working against her now. Very few beings could detect aura, those who could control it, even less. Despite all the training she had received, she was failing, and it was frustrating. She was angry at herself, and her aura announced that fact to her partner.


<Stop. You're making it worse. Concentrate and find balance.>


Knowing it was likely too late, she focused on her heavy breathing and the rhythm of her feet thumping the ground. Their pursuers were expert aura readers, and without her unique aura hidden, she was broadcasting their location like a lighthouse. She molded her aura to resemble one of a fat happy pidgey. The air surrounding her grew cooler and pleasant.


That will throw them off, she thought to herself, hoping it was true.


<That's better,> agreed Teoxi with a grin.


She grinned back at Teoxi. She ignored her throbbing foot, and continued down the mountain alongside her partner.


Behind their brown dust trail a dozen or so blue forms appeared over the crest of the mountain's peak. Both she and the lucario saw them over their shoulders, way after they were supposed to be able to sense their aura signatures. Their pursuers were able to completely hide their auras, as opposed to just disguising them.


For an instant, she felt Teoxi´s aura twinge with panic.


“You know them?” she asked him in huffs.


Teoxi nodded gravely as he vaulted over a boulder with a paw.


“If we fought, could w--”


<Never. Not against so many,> he marqueed to her.


They fell into grim silence, concentrating solely on putting distance between them and the group of lucario who thought them traitors.


Teoxi turned to check on the hunters. <They´ve split and started down the mountain!> snarled Teoxi as he turned back downhill. Stacks of smoke and starry lights shone up from the valley's base. This town's edge was their only salvation now. The group would never enter a human settlement willingly, it was tribe law.


“Why are they splitting up?” asked Maylene as she gasped for air.


<They mean to cut us off.>


Teoxi had been disguising his aura with one of a caterpie, but now, he unmasked it, letting it flare unimpeded. <Hiding ourselves won't help anymore, Itzel. They know where we are.>


Maylene unbound her aura as well. “We'll make it, and stop calling me Itzel,” she blurted out. She had slowed considerably.


Both of them continued down the mountain path, aided by fear and the mountain’s inclination. Maylene noticed her partner slowly leaving her behind. Then, she realized he wasn’t accelerating; she was lagging. Teoxi was gazing back at her with a concerned frown.


<We won't make it, not like this.>


Maylene felt Teoxi’s heavy smear-like despair emanating in his aura. “Hey, stop that! I hate it when you feel like that,” she yells at him bitterly before pointing at the approaching town, “look how close we are.” When she felt her partner’s aura swell, she fell silent. Teoxi’s aura was a maelstrom of emotions, and his eyes half-closed in shame.


Maylene, in her outburst, had forgotten that scolding Teoxi always made it worse. I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. Having this bond between us aura users, it’s hard for both of us.


Her voice now softened, Maylene continued, “listen, we’ll make it, don’t worry… How’re your legs doing?”


Teoxi remained silent for a moment. < They tingle the way they do right before they cramp. I’ll keep for now. > A moment later his huffing and puffing grew louder.


Damn it, his legs are about to cramp.


“Ok, Teoxi, lets deal with them. Back to back. Let’s get ready to beat in their asses.”


<No. I won’t risk it,> said the pokémon through gritting teeth.


Maylene felt a new surge of energy coursing through the lucario’s body. Teoxi swept Maylene up in his arms and recklessly sprinted towards the town, nearly dropping her before balancing his new top-heavy load.


“Wha--!” Maylene’s long pink hair waved in the air behind them. She opened her mouth to retort but decided to save her energy.


He´s afraid, thought Maylene. She could sense it now, the lucario´s aura was raw. She wanted to comfort him, but couldn’t think of what to say. Hopefully we won't need to fight. She shifted her position so the lucario's chest spike wouldn't drill into her side with each bouncing footfall.


The town sped towards them at a break-neck speed. Maylene smiled. We're going to make it. Just as the fleeing pair reached the road side they both stopped and looked uphill. The lucario had stopped and were arguing amongst themselves.


The pair looked up tensely, hoping they would flee. The group of lucario turned and slowly retreated back up the mountain. Maylene and Teoxi could feel the retreating pokémon seething, their aura blazed unchecked.


Relief came to Maylene so fast, she laughed out loud. The sound startled Teoxi. Annoyed, he kept his gaze on the shrinking group of lucario. She slapped his back in loud satisfaction.


<It’s not funny.>


“What’s wrong? Aren’t you glad th--”


<I have just left my tribe, my parents, and my duty. I have deviated from my path, to be with you. To be your partner. I’m pathless, and the gods will turn their gaze from me. Just… promise me it will be worth It.> Teoxi’s fur was bristled, and his gaze intense.


Maylene laid her hand on her pokémon’s shoulder. “Teoxi… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”


Teoxi clutched her hand in his and squeezed. She gasped in pain and surprise.


<Promise me. Do it,> he marqueed fiercely.


“You’re hurting me, Teoxi.”


At that, the lucario released her hand with a far off stare. <I’m sorry, I just don’t know what I’m doing, nor what I should feel. I want to laugh like you, but it’s hard when I feel so guilty. Yet the thought of laughing seems so wrong it angers me.> Teoxi held his head with both hands.

Maylene knew exactly what he needed but was too ashamed to ask. She reached out and pulled him to her chest. Instantly she could feel his warm tears through the fabric of her training suit. Teoxi shuddered as he sobbed silently against his partner.


He’s mourning the life he’s left behind, she realized.


“I’ve got you, I’m here. You’re not alone. You did what you thought was right, don’t question it now, Teoxi. Everything is going to be perfect, remember? Just like we planned. I’m sure the tribe elders will forgive desertion, let’s just give it some time.”


<Don’t call it that,> he marqueed miserably.


A while later, when the lucario had calmed, he turned away as he wiped straggling tears away. Maylene knew crying publicly embarrassed him to no end, but she was glad he got it out of his system.


Teoxi managed a weak smile and marquee, <I’m going to cramp now.> He let himself drop on the ground and writhe in pain as he waited for the spasm to end. Maylene waited beside him, marveling at his pain-affected aura bubbling furiously. When it was over, Teoxi laid on his back and looked up at his partner.


Teoxi tried to rise to his feet, but only managed to get on his knees. His face was haggard, emotional and physical exhaustion clung to his eye-lids.

“Better?” asked Maylene.


The pokémon managed a weak smile. <Yes. Except I’m too tired to move. I must have damaged my legs.>


Maylene walked over to her pokémon, smiled warmly and lifted the lucario by the underarms. Rigid toned muscles worked under her skin, as she brought him to face level.


<What are y-->


“My turn.”


She ducked, grabbed a leg and heaved the lucario over her shoulders, making sure his chest spike cleared. She held the leg and an arm over her front, while the other leg dangled to the side. When she was satisfied with the fireman's carry, she slowly continued into town.


<Wait. Wait! I'm still cramping!> he said, alarmed.


“No you're not. You're just afraid of looking like a dork.”


With the threat of additional cramps, struggling wasn't an option for him and she knew it. Maylene felt his leg throb painfully under her hand.


She sighed. “I wish I had a ball to put you in, it’s more comfortable I hear.”


<Yes, so you wouldn't need to carry me like fresh game. I'm glad you also feel like a fool,> he replied, a scowl cemented on his brow.


“I don't feel like that at all. ‘Fresh game’ might be appropriate though; I’ve come back to civilization with my catch.” She laughed loudly now at the edge of town. “Now quit complaining or I'll pinch your ***-cheek.”


Teoxi gasped lightly. <You wouldn't dare.>


With a playful grin she slid her hand up his leg.


<Fine! Do what you want!>


Teoxi never received much respect from his fellow lucario. Mostly due to his leg’s unfortunate habit of cramping at the worst possible moment. It kept him from being a sentinel lookout, and was shamefully placed as a riolu instructor. Teoxi couldn’t believe teaching was a respectable profession to humans. For him, and his tribe, it was the position of the weak, fit only to show newborns the basics of self-defense. She was sure he wanted a fresh start, one where he would earn respect.


His cramping didn’t slow him down none this time. He did well, and I’m proud.


Teoxi sighed heavily and leaned his head against her shoulder. She thought it was amusing how easy Teoxi's aura betrayed him, as if almost on purpose. She couldn't see his face, but his aura, oozed warmth; it enveloped her. It felt nice.


“We're going to eat; Oh god, breakfast sausages, you're going to love breakfast sausages I just know it. But before that I'm going to get you healed then I'm going to introduce you to my good friends Mr. Soap and Mrs. Shampoo.”


<Friends, now? I'm not sure I'm ready to meet 'friends' right now, Itzel. I'm too tired, and thirsty.>


“Believe me,” she said as she took a confirmatory sniff, “you're ready.” After a moment she added, “And I've told you before, I'm NOT Itzel. You know my name is Maylene.”


The sun, now up, quickly warmed the air. To her side, Teoxi's tail bobbed stiffly with her footfalls. With the adrenaline quickly diluting, the pain from her broken toes intensified. Maylene made her way across the road into town, a grimaced smile pulling her lips.

3D992
29th June 2012, 8:41 AM
Ok... so I have no idea who's who or what's going on. I hope that'll get clearer later on. Who's chasing who? Why are they being chased? Was that even a chase scene? And is that BROCK in your sig? So many questions that I hope will be answered soon.

Otherwise... I think I like your writing style so far. I'll check back for chapter 1.

Drippy Miltank
29th June 2012, 5:06 PM
Ok... so I have no idea who's who or what's going on. I hope that'll get clearer later on. Who's chasing who? Why are they being chased? Was that even a chase scene? And is that BROCK in your sig? So many questions that I hope will be answered soon.

Otherwise... I think I like your writing style so far. I'll check back for chapter 1.
Hello and thanks for your input 3D992. I promise that the motive for the chase will become clear as the fic progresses. I did used Brock's sprite in the banner for Embrace, but no he won't be making an appearance in the fic. As to the confusion of who's being chased; I thought I was pretty clear, but then again I'm the writer and everything makes sense in my head. Is there a particular part that confused you, or the whole thing in general? Let me know, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the fic.

3D992
29th June 2012, 7:05 PM
I re-re-read it and now I get it. Sorry for missunderstandings. Ok, now I'm looking forward for chapter1!

Drippy Miltank
12th July 2012, 6:26 PM
I re-re-read it and now I get it. Sorry for missunderstandings. Ok, now I'm looking forward for chapter1!

No problem, I'm glad your enjoying the fic so far. Let me know when I start not making sense.


I apologize for taking so long to post this chapter. A family member came for a visit last week from far away and I didn't have time for anything else. This first chapter has mild language. Hope you enjoy.



Chapter 1: The Client


A chorus of agonizing moans beckoned Fremont from a nearby barn. The boy lifted his arm and glanced at his watch. Darn it.


“Just hold on a minute!”


Fremont continued sweeping the walkways though the quality of his work suffered. He never believed people when they say they work better under stress. To him, it felt like being forced to wear a choke collar.


An urgent moan pleaded through the wooden wall of the barn. Fremont sighed.


“Alright, I'm coming. Form a line, I'll get the pail.”


A rasping tumult shook the barn. Fremont walked over to a small shed that stood apart from the rest of the facility's buildings. Once there, he switched the broom for a sterilized aluminum pail and closed the shed. A sudden tickle in his nose forced a sneeze; he slapped at his brown hair and worn overalls, loosening the layer of dust his sweeping had left.


As Fremont hurried to the barn he peered across the field hoping to catch his dad walking between buildings. Nobody there. Fremont hoped dearly that his dad remembered his scheduled meeting with that lady client.


Though just twelve years old and stocky, Fremont was as good as any farm hand, strong and quick forged by repetition. At the barn's heavy gate, he placed the pail beside him and heaved the gate open with a raspy grunt. The cool morning air couldn't penetrate the warmth produced by the huddled mass of bodies. The familiar sweet aroma of hay teased his nose as he entered the barn.


“Sorry I took so long.”


Half a dozen large forms loomed over him unconvinced.


“And before you get the wrong idea; no, I didn't oversleep. We just happen to be expecting a very important client. A very important job. So we’re taking extra preca--”


A limb flew downwards and grazed his hair.


“Wow, settle down! Next one who swings at me is goin’ last. Who's ready?” Fremont huffed as he reached for a small stool.


A stampede of miltank gathered around Fremont almost dancing from the anticipation. A smile crossed Fremont's face, as he grabbed the first rubbery udder that came his way.


“The rest of y’all form a line. I can't concentrate with y’all udder-slapping me.”


The rest of the miltank complied with a frown, sitting on the earthen floor and watching anxiously. A miltank who doesn't get milked regularly enough tends to overfill causing inflammation, leaking and general discomfort, like an overdue piss you're forbidden to take. It must be hell being a miltank. Fremont disliked seeing anybody suffer, but the sight of a dozen miltank desperately waiting to be milked is too much to bear. His smile widened and he hoped it didn't escalate to a chuckle.


The miltank was about to get on all fours when Fremont gave her a little push back, indicating he wanted her to remain standing. Her udder had ballooned enough to drag on the ground if she got into her regular four legged position. He pulled down a teat wipe from a nearby wall mounted dispenser. He scrunched up his face at the smell of the cleaning solution as he wiped down each teat. The miltank in turn scrunched up her face at the chill of the wet wipe. Once done, Fremont discarded the wipe and walked over to the large sink and washed his hands. He dried his hands with a towel as he returned to the miltank, placed the pail in front of her and got to milking.


After several minutes of monotony, Fremont thought about the client. She had contacted Fremont's father discretely. There were clear instructions to keep the job confidential, even from the facilities personnel (including Fremont). This can only mean one of two thing: The client was famous and wanted to avoid a scandal or she wanted to breed an especially rare pokémon and keep it a private affair.


As it should be, thought Fremont. The only fact his father let slip was the client's gender. Fremont had never assisted his father with a case involving a rare species before. The recurrent heavy splooshes of milk were interrupted by the miltank's sigh, full of heart-felt relief.


Just then there was a push on the gate. His mother, in her habitual stiff labcoat, walked inside wearing a sour expression. Fremont looked up at her with alarm. He could see it in her face, the client was on her way and he wasn't ready. His mom, Mrs. Lydia Amatos, was a different person when angry. Just by looking at the angle of her eyebrows, he knew he was in trouble. With a frown the miltank took hold of Fremont's head with both arms and gently turned it back to her udder. He ignored her and turned back to his mother.


“She said she'll be here at one in the afternoon. Why is she- why so early!?” asked Fremont, panic swelling in his gut.


“I don't know Fremont, but if you would have milked them last night like we agreed on, we wouldn't be having this problem,” she said, pointing at the miltank. “Sorry gals, I need Fremont for a while,” said Ma as she lifted Fremont from his perch by the arm. Half way up, with a stern moo, the miltank pushed Fremont back down on the stool, leaving Lydia holding her arms in the air.


Both looked up at the miltank and chuckled. Good, Ma's in a better mood, thought Fremont.


“I guess we can't leave the miltank with blue teats. Go get yourself cleaned up, your father's meeting her at the gate. I'll finish up here.” Lydia walked to the sink, pulling her sleeve up her arm.


Fremont nodded and exited the barn and beyond the few buildings that formed their farm/breeding facility. The thin frame of Pa stood at the gate just as a yellow cab pulled up.


A city cab, here in the middle of nowhere!?


He continued through the small field to the wooden gate of the fence that surrounded their home. He could see his father, Jones, fidgeting miserably in his formal clothing while speaking to a lady with long pink hair. As he arrived he spotted a cab in the distance raising dust in its wake.


Fremont turned back to the lady-client and saw that she really wasn't lady like at all. Young, twenty something and dressed in a simple tee-shirt and shorts. She pulled a hair band from her pocket and gathered her hair into a rough ponytail. She then looked him over from head to toe and paused at his feet. Smiling warmly, the lady raised her gaze to his.


“Nice to meet you, Fremont. Your dad was just talking about you.”


He suddenly realized he was still barefoot. ****. Feeling even more foolish, his face flushed. Oh no. She's gonna think we're just a bunch of country bumpkins.


“Right. Umm I-- I'm-- It's-- It is nice to... you know, ha.” Fremont gulped and decided it would be the perfect time to curl up on the ground and die.


Just then, the lady kicked off her sneakers, bent forward and pulled off her socks. As Fremont and his father watched her in surprise, she shoved the socks into her shoes and placed them by the wooden fence.


“Righteous,” muttered Jones.


She gripped the powdery roadside dust with her feet. “Better. I forgot to introduce myself Fremont, the name's Maylene.”


Fremont felt lighter with relief. His face was still radiating heat but now he felt silly for wanting to die and leave the miltank to their own devices. Pa’s relief was palpable, Fremont knew he was just glad Maylene didn't care about formalities, and could take off ‘the damned suffocating suit’.


Fremont and his father exchanged handshakes with Maylene. “Welcome to Amatos Farm child,” Jones said as he loosened his tie, “follow me.”


They entered the breeding facility, an ex-barn. The group saw themselves inside a large room, with long tables leaning on three of the four walls. On these tables rested a few shallow wooden boxes, a few containing one or two football sized eggs over fragrant hay. Working heat lamps hung from the ceiling from long cables, and ended about a foot away from each box. Despite this being a barn house, the floors were clean and walls had been decorated in pastel colors.


“Oh wow, look at all these eggs!” marveled Maylene.


“As you can guess, this is the hatchery of the facility. Each egg is carefully incubated according to its species’ need,” informed Jones. Fremont moved freely from egg to egg, checking some charts along the way.


“Teoxi needs to see this. Mr. Amatos, may I bring out the--,” she chuckled at herself, “the stud?”


“Ah, of course. And you can call me Jones, Mr. Amatos makes me sound like such a gear. ”


“A gear?” Maylene asked with a raised eyebrow.


Fremont clenched his teeth in embarrassment. Oh god why now Pa? It was his father's lure into his story of hippie rebirth.


“Yeah, just a gear in the corporate machine. Did you know tha--.”


“Hey! How about this egg over here it's all speckled ‘n blue!” Fremont blurted out, eyeing his dad pleadingly. Maylene walked over excited. Fremont plucked the egg's clipboards from the wall above it, and pulled out two pairs of gloves from a dispenser nearby.


Maylene held her hands out. “Wow, hold on, let me bring Teoxi out, he'll want to see this too,” she said while reaching down at her poke-holster belt. Clipped to the belt was a single dark pokéball gilded in gold and crimson.


Fremont's heart thumped in his ears, this lady had just drawn one of the more expensive pokéballs in existence. The urge to see the pokémon they were breeding longed for him to snatch the ball away from her and release it himself. She unclipped it and pressed the release clasp. A blast of brilliant light shot out of the ball and landed on the ground near her. A lucario stood in front of them, blinking at the egg-filled room around it.


Fremont and Jones looked at each other in disbelief, then they looked down at the creature that very few people had seen firsthand. Fremont felt Pa pat him on the back to get his attention.


“Fremont, watch closely.” Fremont nodded and looked back at the lucario, his throat tightening.


Fremont and his father started towards the lucario and stopped a little ways, both surprised how short it was. Teoxi wasn't it? Yes.


Teoxi's head reached Jones’ solar plexus, not counting the long ears that could brush his chin. Teoxi looked at Jones uncertainly and looked back at Maylene, who was watching the scene curiously. Jones bent his knees until he was eye to eye with the pokémon. Teoxi stepped back, and wearily eyed everyone in the room.


Ignoring the lucario’s darting eyes, Jones reached out to accept a nonexistent handshake. Without realizing it, Teoxi reached out and shook that hand. The lucario blinked in confusion at their intertwined hands then at Pa. He was smiling warmly at him, a gesture that must have seemed all too familiar yet no pokémon could honestly deny how secure and at ease they felt beside him. This was Pa’s gift.


Damn it, he makes it look so easy, thought Fremont as he leered at his dad.


Jones said to Teoxi, “Good! You’ve adapted some human customs. Welcome Teoxi, my name is Jones Amatos and this is my son Fremont, and we’re here to help you.”


Teoxi's mouth opened as if to speak, and two points of glinting canines made Fremont jerk back. Maylene nudged Teoxi back from his daze with a chuckle. He closed his mouth and nodded in gratitude instead, as if he just remembered he couldn't speak. The pokémon’s body visibly eased. Fremont let out the breath he just realized he had been holding.


“So, Teoxi the soon to be father,” Jones looked up at Maylene and straightened back up, “may I see the checkup results?”


“Yeah, about that. I really didn't want to alert the city's medical personnel that a lucario just wandered into their pokémon center. They'd be all over us with the tests and the prodding, the checkup would be the least of our worries.”


“So...?” Jones asked with a lifted brow. Both Fremont and his father already knew her request.


“So I was wondering if you could do it here. I know it takes time, that's why I'm here so early.”


“Well Miss Maylene, for the safety of our pokémon I'd normally say no and kick you off my property 'till I saw those results. But, alas, a lucario has just wondered into my establishment. A pokémon any self-respecting scientist's wet dream would be to tear apart and put back together. So yes, I'll do it.” Jones turns to Fremont and said giddily, “Calmly let your mom know the situation. Go to the storage shed and bring me the 'checkup-in-a-box'. It's right next to the 'new species discovery kit'.” Turning back to Maylene, “can't wait to get to the testing and the prodding.” He winked at Teoxi, who shuddered.


“O-okay,” said Fremont as he hurried to the exit scooping up the forgotten disposable gloves on the floor and tossing it in a bin on the way out the door.


Fremont ran to the miltank barn where he had last seen his mother. As he threw the barn door open, he saw his mother on a stool finishing up the milking. Fremont relayed what had happened so fast that by the end he lost his breath.


“I’ll bring the kit, you get back inside and keep ‘n eye on your father.”


Fremont sighed. She always gets like this when there’s a lady client.


Fremont slipped back inside the hatchery to find Maylene with Teoxi in a headlock.
“Thank you, Mr. Amatos.” said Maylene as she releases her hold and pulls Teoxi close with an arm. “You'll see he's healthy as a shaggy-headed newborn.” Teoxi nodded fervently at Jones.


Jones smiled like he was holding the world’s most delicious secret. “We'll see after I'm done. The lucario is so rare we don't have a standard methodology of tests.” Maylene's pink and Teoxi's red perplexed stare fell on Jones. “After my wife and I are done with you,” he said, pointing at Teoxi. He hesitated for a moment and just said, “Your child will be the first known riolu born in controlled conditions, out of the wild. I'm excited to have you here. We all are.”

Sid87
13th October 2012, 8:27 PM
At the foot of one mount rested a small town, barely stirring as the sun began to surface.

Probably could stand to put a comma after "At the foot of one mount" since it's a long opening clause.


A quarter of the way down the young women, unable to keep up, tripped on a head-sized boulder.

There should be a comma after "...of the way down". As it is, it reads like you are telling me about something that is a quarter of the way down the woman. :)


Knowing it was likely too late, she focused on her heavy breathing and the rhythm of her feet thumping the ground. She molded her aura to resemble a fat happy pidgey. The air surrounding her grew cooler and pleasant.

She "molded her aura". I have no earthly idea what that means. Did she change her shape? Is she a Ditto? Why not just describe her changing her shape, if that's what it means? If it DOESN'T mean that...what DOES it mean?


She grinned at Teoxi. Ignoring her pulsating foot, she continued down the mountain alongside her partner.

I would say "Ignoring the pulsing pain in her foot". "...pulsating foot..." makes it sound like her foot is radiating energy or something.


Behind their brown dust trail a dozen or so blue forms appeared over the crest of the mountain's peak. One of them was looking around wildly. The rest of the group waited patiently for this lucario's orders.

Wait, so there's another Lucario? Okay. Just making sure I read this right.


<Manauia, see if you can sense them,> the leader of the group, a female with a fairly husky voice, ordered with a head gesture.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a little prejudiced against jumping narration. First the story was with the girl (and her Lucario), and now it is with these guys. It wasn't a terribly unsmooth transition, I just don't particularly love when a story has POV shifts within a single scene. It feels too much like everything's being given away to the reader when that happens, and I lose the "experience" of the characters.


With a gasp Moyo signaled the group and the lucario bounded from boulder to boulder after them.

Should be a comma after "signaled the group".


Teoxi slipped his disguised aura from a caterpie back to a cramping young male. <Hiding ourselves won't help anymore Itzel.>

Too much is happening here. Teoxi is the girl, right? Who was them a Pidgey? And is now a Caterpie? Or a boy? I have no idea. The fact that these names are so foreign doesn't help, frankly. Not that unusual names are bad, but when things are happening so rapidly, and I've just been introduced to about a half dozen characters, and the writing doesn't make it ENTIRELY clear what's happening... well, the names aren't helping make it any easier. Also, what is a "cramping" male?


Moyo turned towards the group behind her. She swept a thin accusing glare that seemed to scream traitors.

Put "traitors" in quotation marks. Even though she isn't SAYING it, you are "quoting" her glare, as it were.


<We risk nothing they are but a few leaps away.>

Semi-colon or period or dash after "We risk nothing". Even better, an exclamation point and then start the next clause as its own senetence.


Moyo defiantly yanked her limbs in all direction, but was held down by the rest of the group. Anger exploded from every cell in her body. The lucario could only marvel at the intensity of her struggle. Dust raised and with every stray blow to the ground a crater was crushed into existence.

Here we have POV shifts within a paragraph! We get that Moyo is angey and then immediately get that the group is marveling at here. So in two sentences, the reader gets insight into several characters. Like I said...I don't love that because it really pulls me out of the story.


After a while, she resigned her struggle with a disheartened scowl. When they were sure Teoxi and the girl had escaped they released her.

Comma after "had escaped".


Their fur stood on end, and felt her crushing insides.

"Crushing insides". Again, I'm just not sure what that's supposed to mean. Are her intestines smothering them?


Just as the fleeing pair reached the road side they both stopped and looked uphill to see the lucario slowly retreating. They had both felt Moyo's despair and the struggle that ensued. The girl glanced sadly at her lucario as they both panted heavily. She knew dark days were coming for them, and dreaded the heavy topics their conversations will soon circle.

Why are there dark days coming? What conversations are they going to have? I get the notion of teasing the reader, but these things feel bland just left on their own. There should at least be a brief description of what she's afraid of so that the reader can fear it, too.


-I wasn't sure what to make of the rest of the chapter. There was some lengthy description of stretching exercises, and then some erotic subtext between the girl and Lucario. Not really my thing, but all right, I guess. Some people like that. Lots of questions here, of course. How did Teozi and Maylene meet? Why does he call her Itzel? What do the other Lucario want? Why did she rescue him from them? So that hooks a reader. But there could have been more/better description at points (besides, you know, stretching, which seemed odd of all things to go into describing).



...Chapter 1....


Fremont continued sweeping the walkways though the quality of his work suffered. He never believed people when they say they work better under stress. To him, it felt like being forced to wear a choke collar.

I like that. Nice, realistic assertion. And it quickly builds some chracter for Fremont.


Though just twelve years old and stocky, Fremont was as good as any farm hand, strong and quick forged by repetition. At the barn's heavy gate, he placed the pail beside him and heaved the gate open with a raspy grunt. The morning cool couldn't penetrate the warmth produced by the huddled mass of bodies. The familiar sweet aroma of hay teased his nose as he entered the barn.

It's brief thus far, but I like this bit about the farm boy. He's concerned about his dad meeting the "client lady". Dusting himself off gave us a description of him. Very nice. For just a brief bit about a kid working on a farm, I think it's a lot better than anything in particular from the prologue.


A stampede of miltank gathered around Fremont almost dancing from the anticipation. A smile crossed Fremont's face, as he grabbed the first rubbery udder that came his way.


“The rest of you form a line. I can't concentrate with all you udder-slapping me.”

Funny and well-written. I think it's odd that he smiles while grabbing an udder, but he's a farm kid who maybe enjoys working with the pokemon. Guess it makes sense and isn't creepy. Again, this scene continues to be well-developed.


A miltank who doesn't get milked regularly overfill causing inflammation, leaking and general discomfort. Like an overdue piss you're forbidden to take. It must be hell being a miltank. Fremont disliked seeing anybody suffer, but the sight of a dozen miltank desperately waiting to be milked is too much to bear. His smile widened and he hoped it didn't escalate to a chuckle.

Still, good, but the first sentence is a mess. I'll just give a sample re-write: "A miltank who doesn't get milked regularly enough tends to overfill, causing inflammation and leaking and general discomfort."

Might just be me, but it reads better that way.


The miltank was about to get on all fours, when Fremont gave her a little push back, indicating he wanted her to remain standing. Her udder had ballooned enough to drag on the ground if she got into her regular four legged position. He pulled down a teat wipe from a nearby wall mounted dispenser. He scrunched up his face at the smell of the cleaning solution as he wiped down each teat. The miltank in turn scrunched up her face at the chill of the wet wipe. Once done, Fremont discarded the wipe and walked over to the large sink and washed his hands. He dried his hands with a towel as he returned to the miltank, placed the pail in front of her and got to milking.

Again, very nice detail. I can see you put thought into this scene, and it's handled well. Maybe action scenes are just too frantic for you? Or you lazed a bit on the prologue because I never got any sense of this kind of detail of thought behind anything there.


With a frown the miltank took hold of Fremont's head with both arms and gently turned it back to her udder. He ignored her and turned back to his mother.

Funny image. Good work.


He suddenly realized he was still barefoot. ****. Feeling even more foolish, his face flushed. Oh no. She's gonna think we're just a bunch of country bumpkins.

Again, everything about this scene is a vast improvement over the prologue. The narration has, thus far, stuck to Fremont and not bounced around. I'm getting a really good sense of his character (is he developing a crush on her? It seems likely). The thought processes are realistic and fleshed-out (feeling embarrassment/shame in the face of the cute girl).


Fremont and Jones both looked relieved. Fremont's face was still radiating heat but now he felt silly for wanting to die and leave the miltank to their own devices. Jones was just glad Maylene didn't care about formalities, and could take off the damned suffocating suit.

I am not giving very much advice here, am I? I guess not. Just another quality paragraph here.


Jones and son exchanged handshakes with Maylene. “Welcome to Amatos farm child,” Jones said as he loosened his tie, “follow me.”

Amatos Farm should be capitalized (Or it should be "The Amatos' farm, I guess). And there should be a comma after it (before "child").


“Ah, of course. And you can call me Jones, Mr. Amatos makes me sound like such a gear. ”


“A gear?” Maylene asked with a raised eyebrow.


Oh god why now dad? It was his father's lure into his story of hippie rebirth.


“Yeah, just a gear in the corporate machine. Did you know tha--.”


“Hey! How about this egg over here it's all speckled and blue,” Fremont blurted out, eyeing his dad pleadingly . Maylene walked over excited. Fremont plucked the egg's clipboards from the wall above it, and pulled out two pairs of gloves from a dispenser nearby.

More good characterization of both Fremont and his dad.


Fremont's heart thumped in his ears, this lady has just drawn one of the more expensive pokéballs in existence.

*HAD just drawn one...



I feel I can trust this man, thought Teoxi to himself. His body visibly eased. Fremont let out the breath he just realized he had been holding.

Aw, and just like that, we're back to a jumping P.O.V. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.


-Okay, all done.

I'll be honest: I really didn't enjoy the prologue. Sorry. :( The narration was too jumpy, I had no idea what was going on, and nothing seemed to be that well-described or thought out. But chapter one was a revelation in the face of that; the characters were vibrant and real, and the narration was consisten up until about the three-quarter mark. I'd focus on that; it doesn't seem like much, but when a chapter is dedicated to one character, it draws the reader in MUCH better. The prologue felt like reading an omniscient story with a narrator telling me what everyone was doing. The chapter felt like living out Fremont's experiences and feelings. Obviously, the latter is better.

I'm curious as to what happened between the prologue and chapter one. Maylene obviously got a ball for Teoxi. And they aren't quite so frazzled and on-the-run. How much time did we skip here? Curious, but in a good way. Keep at it!

Drippy Miltank
7th November 2012, 5:06 AM
I'm sorry I took so long to respond, I've been busy with school. Seems to me I'm going to have to re-write what I have so far; two reviewers telling me the story is hard to follow is definitely a warning sign. From now on, I'll keep each chapter focused on one pov ( or two if it makes sense). Re-reading what I got so far after the small hiatus I took made me realize how awkward some of the writing is. Thanks Sid87, for pointing most of it out.



There should be a comma after "...of the way down". As it is, it reads like you are telling me about something that is a quarter of the way down the woman. :)

Ha! You're right, I'll fix that.


She "molded her aura". I have no earthly idea what that means. Did she change her shape? Is she a Ditto? Why not just describe her changing her shape, if that's what it means? If it DOESN'T mean that...what DOES it mean?

I probably should have explained that. I was trying to keep the prologue short, but it sacrificed clarity. I'll add some exposition.


I'll be the first to admit that I'm a little prejudiced against jumping narration. First the story was with the girl (and her Lucario), and now it is with these guys. It wasn't a terribly unsmooth transition, I just don't particularly love when a story has POV shifts within a single scene. It feels too much like everything's being given away to the reader when that happens, and I lose the "experience" of the characters.

I'll fix this. The prologue will definitely need re-writing.


Also, what is a "cramping" male?

Lol. Man, I have lots to explain. For now, let's just say his throws off his aura "disguise" and it returns to its true form, the form of its owner, a male lucario who's legs are cramping. It'll make sense when I re-write it.


Put "traitors" in quotation marks. Even though she isn't SAYING it, you are "quoting" her glare, as it were.

That's interesting, I'll try to remember that I can quote things other than speech.


"Crushing insides". Again, I'm just not sure what that's supposed to mean. Are her intestines smothering them?

Hahaha, I can just picture that. I'll re-write the sentence.


Why are there dark days coming? What conversations are they going to have? I get the notion of teasing the reader, but these things feel bland just left on their own. There should at least be a brief description of what she's afraid of so that the reader can fear it, too.

It was suppose to foreshadowing (I know, it was terrible). I'll make sure to describe her fears.


I wasn't sure what to make of the rest of the chapter. There was some lengthy description of stretching exercises, and then some erotic subtext between the girl and Lucario. Not really my thing, but all right, I guess. Some people like that.

The stretching was there to show how long they've been on the run; I wanted to show, not tell. Though I can see how it can seem strange to describe such a trivial act, so I'll remove or change it to something more appropriate.


The "erotic subtext" part was meant to show informal familiarity. Where I'm from, it's not uncommon to see older siblings pinching a younger siblings backside in public to embarrass them (in a trololol kind of way).


Funny and well-written. I think it's odd that he smiles while grabbing an udder, but he's a farm kid who maybe enjoys working with the pokemon. Guess it makes sense and isn't creepy. Again, this scene continues to be well-developed.

Totally unintentional, I'll fix it.


Still, good, but the first sentence is a mess. I'll just give a sample re-write: "A miltank who doesn't get milked regularly enough tends to overfill, causing inflammation and leaking and general discomfort."

Thanks for the sample sentence.


I'll be honest: I really didn't enjoy the prologue. Sorry. :( The narration was too jumpy, I had no idea what was going on, and nothing seemed to be that well-described or thought out. But chapter one was a revelation in the face of that; the characters were vibrant and real, and the narration was consisten up until about the three-quarter mark. I'd focus on that; it doesn't seem like much, but when a chapter is dedicated to one character, it draws the reader in MUCH better. The prologue felt like reading an omniscient story with a narrator telling me what everyone was doing. The chapter felt like living out Fremont's experiences and feelings. Obviously, the latter is better.

Thank you for you review, it was very helpful. It may take a while but, most likely, I'll repost the edited work and the next chapter at the same time.

Drippy Miltank
20th June 2013, 12:48 AM
So far I've gone back and revised the prologue and chapter one. From here on I'll stick to a consistent POV as suggested. I have chapter two written as well, but it needs a mayor re-write.