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casiocasio10
5th July 2012, 7:52 PM
snorlax.

snorlax sleeping under a tree.

snorlax getting a little sleep.

snorlax wakes when its time to eat.

snorlax sleeps.

Sleep snorlax.

sleep.

はるひ
5th July 2012, 7:55 PM
Not bad for your first drabble but it seems like your just.... talking.

JX Valentine
5th July 2012, 8:17 PM
Not bad for your first drabble but it seems like your just.... talking.

It's a poem.

Anyway, it's also not bad for freeverse poetry. You, casio, managed to capture the basics of what a Snorlax is. It's just that if you really want to write something deep, you'll probably want to go beyond just talking about what we already know about Snorlax. As in, sure, we know that Snorlax eats and sleeps, but that doesn't really get us to feel anything towards it. It doesn't really make us feel happy, sad, relaxed, or so forth. In order to do that, you'll want to use a lot more imagery, and you'll want to make this poem be about something. Make us feel what Snorlax feels by describing what it senses when it does its thing. Make us feel a Snorlax in general by describing its fur or how it presses into the ground or whatnot. Make us feel something by telling us that this is meant to mean something to us. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but what I mean is it's a cute first poem. Don't get me wrong about that. It's just that if you really want to move us by writing poetry, you'll want to add in a lot more.

Also, a couple of other notes:

1. Its = a possessive form of "it." You're saying that something belongs to someone else. It's = contraction for "it is." So you'll want to say "it's time to eat," not "its time to eat."

2. I'm not sure why you only capitalized "sleep" here. Be careful. In poetry, the tiniest detail could actually mean something. As in, if you capitalize one thing and nothing else, that means something different than if you left everything lowercase. So proofreading is extremely important in poetry because you want to make sure every single letter conveys exactly what you mean.

Cipher
5th July 2012, 8:27 PM
This is AMAZING.

I wish I could time-travel to my own funeral so I could read it as a eulogy.

jstinftw!
6th July 2012, 4:17 PM
Hahah this is cute. I'm mostly commenting because I'm editing my podcast, and we're actually currently talking about Snorlax, and I saw this, so I figured, SERENDIPITY!

Anyways, I wholeheartedly agree with JX Valentine on this one. It's definitely cute, it works for sure, and it's not bad. It's a bit funny actually, for some reason (I'm probably just weeeiiirdd....). But there isn't really anything more to it. It's not outstanding, nor does it leave a lasting mark, which any piece of writing should be aiming to do. So probably work on that?

JX definitely said it better hahah.

ga'hoolefan
10th July 2012, 6:12 AM
Will we be hearing more about the habits of Snorlax here? This really has potential.