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Miror B...
7th July 2012, 1:19 AM
War of Champions

~All war is deception~

By Miror B...


"They say in times of peace, the Pokemon Champions only have one goal and that is to protect their title as Champion. However in times of war, they gain control over their region's army, gym leaders and elite four and lead them into battle...in times of war, the Champions become leaders of men."

...

War of Champions is an epic series that spans the entire Pokemon world and dozens of well known characters. The series focuses on the war known as the War of Champions, which sees the Pokemon Champions lead their respective regions to battle in a violent war over the elemental treasures. The story will not be told from the perspective of just one character- in fact, the story of the war will be told through the eyes of many characters, who are all fighting desperately for survival as the war's horrific twists and turns begin tearing the world apart. Who will live? Who will die? Which champion will be victorious? Expect action and violence aplenty. Comments and constructive criticism would be very much appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

Just a quick note too. This is set in an alternative universe from the games. The characters, locations etc will be very similar but a few characters and their backstories may be different from how the games portray them.



00. Prologue (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?577493-War-of-Champions-PG13)
Tension is building between the two regions of Kanto and Johto. Blue, the mad Champion of Johto, is planning something deadly. Professor Oak tries to warn the world of his grandson's evil plans on his radio show but Blue is listening. The prologue details the transcript of the event that began the deadliest war mankind have ever seen- the War of Champions.


01. Blaine (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?577493-War-of-Champions-PG13&p=14811166#post14811166)

War between Kanto and Johto has officially commenced, and the Kanto gym leaders arrange an emergency meeting to discuss their next move. Clair- the dragon leader of Johto- leads a devastating assault on Mt. Moon. Blaine and Koga are forced to work together in a dangerous mission which sees them launch a terrible attack on a Johto gym leader.


02. Blue (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?577493-War-of-Champions-PG13&p=14830643#post14830643)

The war between Kanto and Johto rumbles on. In his hidden mansion, Blue tells the story of his rivalry with Red; why he decided to become Champion and how he manipulated the Johto President into giving him power over the Johto army. The "mad" Champion also has to deal with rebellious gym leaders, a shocking truth about the elemental treasures and has an emotional showdown with a familiar face. Meanwhile, Jasmine faces a shocking revelation about her family, and Erika struggles with her responsibilities as a guardian of Kanto.


03. Sabrina (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?577493-War-of-Champions-PG13&p=14961494#post14961494)

The war between Kanto and Johto and between Red and Blue, takes a devastating and dramatic turn. This chapter details the Battle of Goldenrod, a fierce and bloody battle in which gym leaders, soldiers and Pokemon clashed in violent battles to the death. In the midst of the battle, Sabrina faces a terrifying enemy. Erika questions whether is it right to use Pokemon as weapons in war and whether the terrible acts of the gym leaders worth the safety of their people. Chuck struggles to keep his Champion safe, whilst Blaine and Pryce go head to head.


04. Falkner (Coming Soon)
Clair's revolution against the Champion Blue leads to a civil war between the Johto gym leaders. Meanwhile, Falkner and Bugsy escape to Unova.





Red

Basic Information:

Titles: Champion of Kanto, The Silent Champion
Hometown: Pallet Town
Family: ???
Special Abilities: ???
Affiliation: Kanto

Biography:

Previous to the war:
When Red was eleven, he set out on his Pokemon journey. His starter Pokemon was Charmander, given to him by Professor Oak. He soon gained the eight badges of Kanto and then challenged the Champion of Indigo, who happened to be his childhood rival Blue, who had just won the title. The battle ended in a draw. Despite Blue's claims that Red cheated, Red was rewarded with the title of "Champion of Kanto", whilst Blue was declared "Champion of Johto". Tensions continued between the pair for many years and distrust between the two regions of Kanto and Johto began to grow. After Blue's plans to invade Kanto were revealed live on radio, the Kanto president declared war. Complete power was signed over to Red.

The Kanto/Johto war:
In the early days of the War of Champions, Kanto and Johto battled it out. Red was hardly seen however, and preferred to direct his soldiers and gym leaders through his Elite Four members. Thus, he was given the title of the "Silent Champion".

Pokemon:

Current status unknown:
Charizard- His starter Pokemon. Its current status is unknown.

Brock

Basic Information:

Titles: Pewter City Gym Leader, The man with the heart of stone
Hometown: Pewter City
Family: Flint, Bruno, Forrest
Special Abilities: None
Affiliation: Kanto, Champion Red.

Biography:

Previous to the war:

Flint
Forrest
Bruno
Hiker Jerry
Misty
Lt. Surge
Erika
Sabrina
Tyron
Koga
Blaine









Sid87, Rotomknight, Comboman77, Nidhi764, lucarioisawesome
Srivats123, C.Gholy , Jake76, master of murkrow, jeffdavid102


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Prologue

Radio Transmission 2103 Transcript
Professor Oak's Pokemon Talk
20/07/2014
14:32

--
--
--

We’re reaching out to all you Pokemon fans out there. Here is the leading expert on Pokemon, Professor Oak and of course, me- DJ Mary. Oh, breaking news- there appears to be a swarm of Gulpin that have appeared-

Can I just say something first Mary if I may?

Of course Professor, go ahead.

--

Ok. Here goes.

--

As you may be aware of folks, there have been rising tensions between the two regions of Kanto and Johto recently. There have also been whispers and rumours of our two Champions- Red, official Champion of Kanto and Blue, Champion of Johto and my grandson. There has been talk of war. War between the two Champions. However, I guess it is my job to assure you this is nothing but silly, idle gossip. Unfortunately, I cannot. This is the truth. I…want…I…

--

Professor?

--

Yes…yes. I’m fine. I want to inform the citizens of Johto, Kanto and indeed, the whole world just what my grandson is planning. Blue…is planning to invade Kanto. He has the backing of the Johto President and has been given total power over the gym leaders and the army…the death toll will be huge…can’t…he needs to be stopped…I can’t breathe…he…

--

Professor? Samuel?!

He is seeking something. Something powerful…he's seeking the elemental treasures! Get out of here Mary. They’ll soon be coming.

I can’t leave you in this state Professor. You can hardly breathe. Come on…

Don't you understand Mary? Blue has total power now! He will teleport here within seconds!

But...

Go now...or you'll die.

(large, inaudible static noise)

--

Oh God.

Help. Help. Oh God. Help.

Blue…Blue…please. Listen to me…

Alright there gramps? You didn’t think your silly little radio announcement would escape unnoticed? Oh. What’s the matter gramps? Can’t breathe?

…stop this Blue…no more…

Fine. Let’s play a game instead guys. Pass the parcel? Musical chairs? Ha! I know. Russian Roulette. How about it gramps? Me, you and that stupid bint you work with. Molly? No. It’s Mary! Get over here Mary. Oh, stop crying! Cheer up, we’re playing a game! Right, here’s the rule. You have a choice of six Pokeballs from this bag. Five of them are empty. One of them is a Voltorb. You will pick your Pokeball and open it. If it’s empty, you survive. If it’s the Voltorb, you die. Oh, and run away and you’ll be shot dead by my men. Don’t worry listeners, I’ll be providing a running commentary of the action live from Radio Tower.

…you need help Blue…

Shut it gramps. Alrighty then, let the game begin. Molly- no, Mary- you’re up first. You should see her folks. She’s a mess! She’s like a frightened child- sobbing and trembling violently; skin as white as snow and a face of horror and repulsion. Oh, time to see if she will keep that pretty face of hers! She has taken her Pokeball. She seems having trouble opening it. Go on Molly.

…please…don’t make me do this…

It’s just a game Molly. My men are ready to shoot if you make a move remember? Oh, and now’s your chance to text in listeners. Do you think she will get blown to bloody pieces? Text in now! Oh, she’s opening her Pokeball…she’s safe! Well done Molly. See, we’re having fun! Your turn gramps. Ha, you should see the famous and respected Pokemon Professor now. Like a starving, scrawny cat dying in the corner. He’s looking at me. Fighting desperately for breaths. Those kind eyes now full of wild hate and fear. You’re usually the one making trainers choose a Pokeball but this time, you get to choose! How lucky are you? He’s picking one. Go on gramps…and he’s safe folks. Your turn again Molly.

What? No. No! Please. But you said…

I said what?

You said three of us…you…

Ha, I’m your ruler now. You do as I say. Now, pick your Pokeball.

Please…

Do it…do it! Okay listeners, she’s going for her second Pokeball. She’s grasped the Pokeball in her trembling hands…she’s crying…begging…all her humanity has disappeared…she’s a soulless and trapped animal now…go on Molly.

(large, inaudible static noise)

Wahey! She is gone folks! Let me just describe the scene to you kids. The room has been decorated with Molly. There’s Molly on the wall, the ceiling, on all of us! Little, bloody lumps of insides splattered and sprayed across every inch of the room. What a sight! Oh. Gramps has **** himself. Ha ha!

(background noise of laughter and inaudible jeers)

On that note, smell ya later.

--

For decades, historians have been studying the transcript of this radio transmission. Several details of it have long been debated- for example, the first large inaudible static noise that occurred. Some say it was an explosive used while others say it was powerful Pokemon under Blue’s control. Historians have also debated the fate of Professor Oak. The transmission is the last recording of Professor Oak’s whereabouts. There are several theories that attempt to explain what happened to him but most will agree that he was killed by his own insane and murderous grandson.

However, despite some of the minor details of the radio transmission still being debated to this day, you cannot argue the importance of the transcript. This is because it captures the event that changed the world forever and began the bloodiest war we have ever seen- the War of Champions.

Sid87
7th July 2012, 12:30 PM
It seems like I already commented on this once. :-p

Anyway, glad to see you changed the "messed up" line; it's much more fitting and appropriaqte now.

I like the "text in now, listeners!" part from Blue. That's sick, but comical. It's one of those things I feel bad for thinking is funny.


Fighting desperately for breathes.

Should just be "breaths".

I'm thinking that obviously Oak survived somehow since we didn't witness his death, so I'm wondering where he went and/or what Blue is doing to him. And it's a very curious piece. Why is there a war brewing beetween the champions of the regions? Why are the militaries getting actively involved? Does being a champion de facto make you the President or Emperor or some such of your region? Intriguing concept. Look forward to seeing more!

Miror B...
8th July 2012, 8:23 PM
I'm thinking that obviously Oak survived somehow since we didn't witness his death, so I'm wondering where he went and/or what Blue is doing to him. And it's a very curious piece. Why is there a war brewing beetween the champions of the regions? Why are the militaries getting actively involved? Does being a champion de facto make you the President or Emperor or some such of your region? Intriguing concept. Look forward to seeing more!

These questions will be answered in the next few chapters. Thanks for your comments by the way. Next chapter will be posted either Monday or Tuesday hopefully.

Miror B...
10th July 2012, 6:43 PM
Chapter 1: Blaine



Blaine arrived at the Kanto trenches late in the evening, on the back of his mighty Arcanine. He had voyaged across the entirety of Kanto to reach the trenches, which were located in the mountainous region that separated the two warring regions of Kanto and Johto. As he descended into the trenches, he was greeted by the unpleasant sight of the bodies of young men, who had been left to rot in the mud. He was then greeted by an even more unpleasant sight- fellow gym leader Koga. He had not changed much since Blaine had last seen him. He was still still an angry looking, skeleton-like man that was "more a shadow than a human being"- as Blaine had often described him. Despite his filthy surroundings, Koga was dressed smartly in traditional ninja attire, which annoyed Blaine immensly.

“What do you want?” Koga snarled.

“I need to talk to you. It’s important.” Blaine answered.

“Well, I’m busy.”

As Koga stormed off, Blaine continued studying his horrific surroundings. Blaine had been involved in many wars during his long life and yet, he had not seen conditions as awful as the ones he was currently standing in. In fact, Blaine struggled to stand at all because the floor was a slow moving river of grime that seemed to be constricting itself menacingly around his legs. The trenches themselves were extremely narrow and the smell was an sickening stench that lingered in Blaine’s throat. However, this pleased Blaine because he knew this trench was now Koga’s new home. In the middle of this hellish scene were a few soldiers cheerfully playing cards. Their cards were resting on the back of a Lotad who’s bouyant nature meant it floated on top of the mud easily. As Blaine started treking through the mud to find Koga, he overheard the soldier’s conversation.

“If nothing happens today or tomorrow, I’m leaving. I’ve had enough of this.” one soldier was complaining.

“Same. I thought war would be fun and dangerous and all that. But’s it not innit. Just sitting around.”

“I know. The Johto trench is literally just a few feet away. Why don’t we just attack them?”

Blaine smiled at their youthful ignorance. He continued listening.

“Do you think we’re fighting for good?” one soldier suddenly asked.

“Eh? What do ya mean?”

“Do you think we’re on the good side? I mean, I know Blue and the Johto army are evil. I mean, they invaded us and they killed Professor Oak. We have a right to defend ourselves. But, what if Red’s the same. They call him…um..”

“The silent champion?”

“Yeah. The silent champion. Hardly anybody hears or see’s him. How do we know Red’s a good guy. How do we know we’re fighting for good?”

A tense silence followed this question and eventually, another soldier nervously laughed and then went on to ridicule his claims. Blaine had been left feeling worried and slightly disturbed by this conversation. He eventually found Koga, who was yelling angrily at a young soldier. When he was finished and the youngster had run off in tears, Blaine approached him.

“How’s living in the trenches Koga?” Blaine asked, not able to resist taunting him.

“Fine.”

“You must be pretty annoyed though. An ninja like yourself. An honourable warrior- forced to live in shite like a pig while the other gym leaders lead armies of men gloriously into battle.”

“Watch your mouth old man.” Koga hissed.

“Although, it’s nothing more than what you deserve. A traitor like yourself…”

“I am not a traitor!”

“Oh. Did you not try and kill Red and take his place as champion of Kanto?”

Koga clutched the sword by his waist and glared furiously at his rival. However, Blaine remained calm and a tense few seconds passed, with both men silently knowing they may have to kill the other if needed. Koga, realising he had given the reaction Blaine wanted, decided to calm down and released his grip on his sword.

“What do you want?”

“I have a mission for you Koga.”

Blaine went on to describe how he had invented a weapon in his hidden laboratory on Cinnabar Island. He described the nature of the weapon and it’s purpose, much to Koga’ shock and delight. Blaine then described the mission and how the weapon would be put to use. Koga was visibly excited with this news and this very much annoyed Blaine. He found Koga a disgusting specimen of a human being. A man who takes pleasure out of killing is a warped and twisted man thought Blaine, as Koga excitedly began preparing for the mission.

“How can you sleep at night?” Blaine asked.

“Ha, you’re disgusted by me, aren’t you?” Koga said, smiling.

“Yes. You’re a ninja. A man who kills people under the disguise of shadows and darkness. How is that honourable?”

“And yet, you’re a scientist. A man who kills people under the disguise of knowledge and discovery. You are no different to me.”

“What on earth do you mean?” Blaine suddenly yelled.

“The weapon I’m going to use in this mission. I may be the one using it but you are the one who created it. If you made the gun, you are no better than the man who pulls the trigger.”

“That may be true.” an angry Blaine admitted “But at least I’m loyal. At least I fight for a single cause. You only fight for one person and that is yourself! You’re a filthy traitor!”

Koga had no answer and swiftly left, leaving Blaine alone in the trench.

~


Later that night, Blaine was hiding in the shadows of Azalea Town Gym, Johto. Any normal man from Kanto would have found it impossible getting so far into the Johto region. However, Blaine was a gym leader and had a number of secret contacts and passage ways that granted him freedom within Johto. The inside of Azalea gym was a huge, sprawling forest alive with bug Pokemon and underneath the shadows of the trees, Blaine was struggling to forget the words that had been said earlier that day.

“How do we know Red’s a good guy. How do we know we’re fighting for good?”

Of course we’re fighting for good, Blaine told himself. Don’t be stupid. Red is a champion that believes in freedom and honour- unlike the Johto champion Blue.

“And yet, you’re a scientist. A man who kills people under the disguise of knowledge and discovery.”

Those are the words of a killer, a man with no honour. Ignore them. What I am doing is good, Blaine reassured himself. Blaine continued ignoring those haunting words, when a figure stepped out from the shadows. It was Bugsy- the gym leader of Azalea Town. He was young lad, with striking purple hair and a welcoming, friendly face. He was tending to an injured Heracross when Koga emerged from the depths of the forest.

There was a small explosion. In a second, the forest had turned from peaceful haven into a fiery hell. A shifting ball of purple gas rose from the fires of the explosion and as Blaine watched with horror, the gas manifested itself around Bugsy and Heracross. He knew what was happening- this was his weapon after all- but he still felt sick with shock and anxiousness. Koga appeared next to him. As the two men watched the effects of their actions unfold from the shadows, Blaine realised Koga was right.

“In war, every man is the same. Every man is a man with no honour.” Koga whispered.

Blaine silently nodded. The gas cleared and the effects of their actions were now clear. In the place of Bugsy and Heracross was now a single being. It was monstrous version of Bugsy, who’s welcoming, friendly face was now a thing of horror, as a massive horn had forced it’s way out of Bugsy’s skull and through his forehead. Busgy withered on the floor in pain, his extra insect arms waving madly in the air and a pair of wings emerging from the broken sprine of the youngster. Bugsy let out an unearthly screech, that was both the cry of a young boy and the clicking of a beetle. Hearing the screech, the townfolk soon arrived at the gym and were horrified and repulsed at what they found.

Blaine and Koga had disappeared.

Miror B...
10th July 2012, 10:55 PM
Just some information about the next chapter (for anyone reading this story). It will focus on Johto Champion Blue and will reveal more details about the war.

Rotomknight
11th July 2012, 12:12 AM
Wow... DOes he have four arms now... is it like they are fused as one creature... or is the heracross forced inside of him and parts protrude... tell us what happened to bugsy.

Miror B...
11th July 2012, 1:59 AM
Wow... DOes he have four arms now... is it like they are fused as one creature... or is the heracross forced inside of him and parts protrude... tell us what happened to bugsy.

Aha, it'll be revealed next chapter what exactly happened to Bugsy.

Sid87
11th July 2012, 5:06 PM
He had not changed much since Blaine had last since him. He was still still an angry looking, skeleton-like man that was more a shadow than a human being- as Blaine had often described him.

I would put the "more a shadow than a human being" in quotation marks since it is described as how Blaine directly describes him.


“What do you want?” Koga snarled.
“I need to talk to you. It’s important.” Blaine answered.
“Well, I’m busy.”

Even though these are short, they should still each be separated by a double-space. It just is easier on the reader's eyes.


The trenches themselves were extremely narrow and the smell was an indescribable stench that lingered in Blaine’s throat.

In narration--where the point is to describe--you probably shouldn't refer to something as "indescribable". It'd be better to say "the odor was more awful than anything Blaine had ever smelled before" or some such.


In the middle of this hellish scene were a few soldiers cheerfully playing cards. Their cards were resting on the back of a Lotad who’s bouyant nature meant it floated on top of the mud easily.

What creative and imaginative imagery. Good job!


“If nothing happens today or tomorrow, I’m leaving. I’ve had enough of this.” One soldier was complaining.
“Same. I thought war would be fun and dangerous and all that. But’s it not innit. Just sitting around.”
“I know. The Johto trench is literally just a few feet away. Why don’t we just attack them?”

It's curious that you have the soldiers describing their imagining war as "fun". That's...not an adjective I'd personally ever prescribe to it. But a lot of youngsters are basically led to believe, through TV or video games, the war is entertainment. You might want to have one of them basically say THAT is why they thought it'd be fun, but regardless...it's an interesting statement.


“Do you think we’re fighting for good?” one soldier suddenly asked.
“Eh? What do ya mean?”
“Do you think we’re on the good side? I mean, I know Blue and the Johto army are evil. I mean, they invaded us and they killed Professor Oak. We have a right to defend ourselves. But, what if Red’s the same. They call him…um..”
“The silent champion?”
“Yeah. The silent champion. Hardly anybody hears or see’s him. How do we know Red’s a good guy. How do we know we’re fighting for good?”

Good question, soldier guy! I was wondering the same thing.


“You must be pretty hacked of though. An ninja like yourself. An honourable warrior- forced to live in shite like a pig while the other gym leaders lead armies of men gloriously into battle.”

Kinda like the "messed up" line from Oak, Blaine saying "you must be pretty hacked off" doesn't quite seem to fit. I'd expect something a little more mature coming from him, as well. Either way, it should be "hacked off", not "hacked of".


“How can you sleep at night?” Blaine asked.
“Ha, you’re disgusted by me, aren’t you?” Koga said, smiling.
“Yes. You’re a ninja. A man who kills people under the disguise of shadows and darkness. How is that honourable?”
“And yet, you’re a scientist. A man who kills people under the disguise of knowledge and discovery. You are no different to me.”

Nice line, Koga!


Later that night, Blaine was hiding in the shadows of Azalea Town Gym, Johto.

Whoa, this was a quick and abrupt scene change. How did Blaine get to Azalea? Is travel between two at-war regions that easy?I see you say that he has "contacts", but I think it's just too quick and convenient for him to be there already. I'd like to see more of what happened between the two scenes here.


“How do we know Red’s a good guy. How do we know we’re fighting for good?”

Of course we’re fighting for good, Blaine told himself. Don’t be stupid. Red is a champion that believes in freedom and honour- unlike the Johto champion Blue.

“And yet, you’re a scientist. A man who kills people under the disguise of knowledge and discovery.”

Those are the words of a killer, a man with no honour. Ignore them. What I am doing is good, Blaine reassured himself. Blaine continued ignoring those haunting words, when a figure stepped out from the shadows.

Glad to see Blaine internalizing and struggling with what he's heard that day. Makes him seem like a deeper character than I thought he might be at first.


-Good chapter overall; the Bugsy scene at the end was pretty disturbing. I wonder if that might backfire now that they've made Poke-Bugsy? But it was disturbing to read. I might have even gotten a bit gorier with the details if I were you, but it was still well-done.

Miror B...
11th July 2012, 6:53 PM
I would put the "more a shadow than a human being" in quotation marks since it is described as how Blaine directly describes him.


Even though these are short, they should still each be separated by a double-space. It just is easier on the reader's eyes.

Upon reflection again, I do agree with you and I shall edit the alterations in a minute.


In narration--where the point is to describe--you probably shouldn't refer to something as "indescribable". It'd be better to say "the odor was more awful than anything Blaine had ever smelled before" or some such.

I completely agree. I'm annoyed with myself for using "indescribable". When I was writing it, I told myself I'd go back and change "indescribable" when I could think of a better word/sentence. Annoyingly though, I completely forgot about it. Thanks for pointing that out- I will edit that too.


What creative and imaginative imagery. Good job!

Thank you!


It's curious that you have the soldiers describing their imagining war as "fun". That's...not an adjective I'd personally ever prescribe to it. But a lot of youngsters are basically led to believe, through TV or video games, the war is entertainment. You might want to have one of them basically say THAT is why they thought it'd be fun, but regardless...it's an interesting statement.

This is a theme that will become much more of a focus in a later chapter, where a gym leader is instructed to look after a young soldier who is new to the trenches. The whole idea of soldiers sitting around in trenches and complaining that war is boring was very much influenced by the play Journey's End, where for most of the play, the soldiers were sitting around bored and were simply waiting- despite the Germans being only a few feet away from them in another trench. The play also focuses on a young soldier who is new to the trenches and is shocked to discover that trench warfare is actually just sitting around and isn't daring and exciting like he believed before.

So yeah, that little scene was pretty much planting the seeds for future chapters, where this theme becomes more of a focus.


Kinda like the "messed up" line from Oak, Blaine saying "you must be pretty hacked off" doesn't quite seem to fit. I'd expect something a little more mature coming from him, as well. Either way, it should be "hacked off", not "hacked of".

Hmm...I had to think about this one. While Blaine seems like a blunt old man and is trying to get a reaction out of Koga, the phrase "hacked off" isn't what an intelligent, riddle-master/scientist would use really. Again, I will change that.


Nice line, Koga!

Aha, I like that line too.


Whoa, this was a quick and abrupt scene change. How did Blaine get to Azalea? Is travel between two at-war regions that easy?I see you say that he has "contacts", but I think it's just too quick and convenient for him to be there already. I'd like to see more of what happened between the two scenes here.

Believe me, this is one of my biggest gripes with the chapter.

I know in my head how Blaine and Koga could travel between the two regions- however, my reasoning for not going into detail was that it was my first chapter and I didn't want to get bogged down in perhaps unnecessary details that could perhaps discourage people from reading. This chapter was very much focusing on setting the scene and sowing the seeds for future story arcs and I didn't want to include an "information overload" I see your point though and I can honestly say, I wasn't 100% happy with it. Including the line about Blaine's "contacts and passages" wasn't much of a substitute really either.

However, this is another idea that I will defintely explore in the future as more information about the war is revealed and I will attempt to answer some questions relating to travel between the two regions. For example, could soldiers just use their Pokemon to teleport into enemy bases?


Glad to see Blaine internalizing and struggling with what he's heard that day. Makes him seem like a deeper character than I thought he might be at first.

Glad you picked up on that. I'm quite proud of Blaine's characterisation and again, this becomes more of a focus as the narrative progresses.


-Good chapter overall; the Bugsy scene at the end was pretty disturbing. I wonder if that might backfire now that they've made Poke-Bugsy? But it was disturbing to read. I might have even gotten a bit gorier with the details if I were you, but it was still well-done.

Thank you!

Again, cheers for your advice and comments. They really do help and it's all pretty much spot on.

Sid87
11th July 2012, 7:18 PM
Oh, I haven't outright said it yet, but please add me to the PM list, obviously. :)

Miror B...
11th July 2012, 7:21 PM
Oh, I haven't outright said it yet, but please add me to the PM list, obviously. :)

Of course, I shall do it now :)

Rotomknight
11th July 2012, 7:24 PM
This is nice.
I hope pokebugsy isn't in eternal pain from that heracross thing. If he is they should put him out of his pain. If not it could provide a powereful adversary.
Please add me to the pm list.

Miror B...
11th July 2012, 8:08 PM
This is nice.

Thanks!


I hope pokebugsy isn't in eternal pain from that heracross thing. If he is they should put him out of his pain. If not it could provide a powereful adversary.

I think you're on the right lines when it comes to Bugsy's fate in the next chapter...


Please add me to the pm list.

Sure thing. :)

Rotomknight
11th July 2012, 10:44 PM
Which one?
Killed?
Or to kill?
It would be interesting if all the johto and kanto gym leaders got mixed and forced to fight. Then Red and Blue could do that too.

Miror B...
12th July 2012, 6:55 PM
Which one?
Killed?
Or to kill?
It would be interesting if all the johto and kanto gym leaders got mixed and forced to fight. Then Red and Blue could do that too.

You'll have to wait and see. :)

Next chapter will hopefully be up this Sunday.

Miror B...
15th July 2012, 12:00 AM
Chapter 2. Blue

In the whispers and hushed voices of the citizens of Johto, they often refer to Blue’s mansion as hell itself. There are two reasons why that is.

The first reason is the impressive yet terrifying location of the mansion. A Johto tale once told of a talented trainer who tried to gain access to the mansion. He was forced to travel deep into the mountain range that divides Johto and Kanto and march defiantly through freezing conditions and formiddable terrain. He then climbed to the summit of a monstrous, active volcano and was faced by the three legendary dogs- all of which were under Blue’s command and ordered to guard the entrance to the underworld that Blue calls his home. By some divine miracle, the trainer defeated the three dogs. His next step was to voyage down into the active volcano. He did so on the back of his Pidgeot and he soon descended into a twisted world of fire and lava. In the middle of this hidden realm, he found Blue’s mansion- a magnificent, castle-like structure built out of black marble and gold. It was surrounded by vast waterfalls of fire, that seemed to protect the mansion better than any stone wall could. After a few seconds, the trainer fled and later described the experience as a “journey into hell”.

The second reason is the man who lives there. Blue. The mad champion. The devil himself.

Blue stood at the window of his great dining hall, looking out at the landscape of flames he lived in. Stood next to him was Pryce- an old, stern-looking gym leader who was Blue’s most trusted advisor. He was holding a pen and notebook and was waiting for Blue to speak.

“I was five years old when I decided I wanted to be champion.” Blue suddenly said as Pryce started writing. “I remember the day. My father was fighting in a war- I can’t remember where- and he came back home one day. I told him I wanted to be like him- a proud and honourable warrior. Do you know what he said?”

“What did he say?” Pryce asked.

“He laughed. He told me in times of war that ‘Champions become leaders, gym leaders become warriors and kids like you…become sandbags’. His words spurned me on. After the war had finished and my father had died, I began my journey to become Champion. I promised to myself I would be a leader and not some stupid, worthless cannon fodder. So I travelled through Kanto, defeating the gym leaders and then the champion. Then…”

“Then what?”

“That bastard Red got in the way! How I hate him. As I earned my title as champion, Red scurried out from his hole and challenged me for the title. Red drew with me but not out of skill. Oh no. He cheated! He’s a dirty cheater! A filthy cheater and a liar but that’s forgotten in the history books. Because we drew, there were two Indigo Plateau Champions. The Ancient Laws of Champions declared that if a draw occurred, the land would be divided into two. Red got Kanto- my beloved homeland while I was declared the Champion of Johto. Tensions continued between us for many years as we ruled over our respective regions but we remained peaceful. But then we found out about the existence of the elemental treasures…”

“Execuse me my lord, but the what?”

“The elemental treasures. According to the legends of old, they're said to grant the holder total power over the elements and are said to be hidden within Mt Moon. That was the reason I invaded Kanto. That, and to get revenge on that bastard Red. Oh, you can leave that last line out of my autobiography.”

“As you wish.” said Pryce as he scribbled out the last line in his notebook.

“Anyway…” Blue continued “To fulfil my ambitions of treasure and revenge, I needed an army. As you know, the champion is given total power over the region’s army in times of war so I arranged a little meeting with the Johto President- Augustus Williams. Such a weak minded, pathetic man. He fell easily under the spell of my Gengar’s Confusion attack. In his confused and vulnerable state, I took advantage of his paranoia. Tension has existed between the two regions for centuries and Augustus lived in fear that one day, Kanto would invade. So I convinced him to strike first. He agreed war was a most excellent idea and signed complete power over the Johto army to me. I started planning my invasion…but then Gramps found out.”

“Gramps?”

“Oh. I mean Professor Oak. He warned Kanto about my plans on his radio show. In response, the Kanto President gave complete power to Red and they arranged a defense just in time. I put a stop to Gramps though. Believe me, I don’t feel good about what I did to him…I only wish things could be different…”

“Do you want me to leave out the bit about you manipulating the Johto President into giving you an army?” Pryce asked.

“That’d probably be best.”

The computer in the corner of the luxurious dining room suddenly began beeping, putting an end to Blue’s and Pryce’s conversation. Blue rushed over and the face of Clair- the dragon gym leader of Johto- flickered onto the screen.

“Have you found them? The elemental treasures?!” said Blue.

“I’m afraid not.” admitted Clair “My men and I battled our way through Kanto to get to Mt Moon- but when we searched the mountain, there was no sightings of the elemental treasures.”

“Damn it! Where are the elemental treasures then?!”

Before Clair could reply, the enormous doors of the dining room swung open and two figures entered. One was a young man with long blue hair, accompanied by a Pidgeot. Blue knew who he was straight away.

“Falkner? You better have a good reason for being here. I’m in the middle of something.”

Blue glanced down to the second figure- a shorter person who was concealed completely by a dark cape. Blue slowly walked over. At first, he thought he could hear a low clicking sound but he dismissed it as the trickery of his imagionation. Pryce watched the scene play out from the other side of the room.

“Somethings happened.” Falkner said.

“How did you get here?” Blue asked, as he approached the hidden figure.

“We flew down on my Pidgeot- like the guy from the story." Falkner thought wildly "But, that doesn’t matter. We need help.”

“Who is this?” Blue asked.

“It’s Bugsy.”

Blue stood right next to the concealed Bugsy. The clicking sound was louder now and a curious Blue suddenly pulled the cape.

“Dear God…”

Bugsy was now a horrific creature, both human and Pokemon. An immense, black horn in the centre of his forehead was the most striking feature of the metamorphosis. His entire face had also transformed. His eyes were now tiny, black slits and two pincers sat uncomfortably in his mouth which constantly slammed together, causing the clicking noise. An extra pair of long, insect like arms were hidden away under his shirt and two, transparent wings had burst through Bugsy’s back. The young gym leader was slouched over, apparently having difficulty lifting his enormous horn.

“What happened to him?” asked a repulsed Blue.

“A thing they’re calling a hybrid bomb. Someone broke into Azalea Gym and set the bomb off. It…fused Bugsy and his Heracross. I tried to get help at the Pokemon Centre but the Nurse Joy was terrified. That’s why we came here. I don’t know what to do.” Falkner said.

“I understand. We’ll take it from here.”

Blue took out a Pokeball and released a Pokemon. An Alakazam appeared. Pryce also sprung into action and a Weavile suddenly appeared, which began smashing it’s way through the dining room towards Bugsy and Falkner.

“What’s going on?” yelled Falkner.

“We’re putting Bugsy out his misery.” a calm Blue said “Besides, our gym leaders are warriors that people look up to. They need to have an image of power and respect- they can’t look like a freak like him!”

“No! We came here for help!”

“Get out the way Falkner or you’ll be treated the same as that freak.”

Falkner took a glance at Bugsy, who cowered behind him and Pidgeot. In front of them stood Blue and Pryce, both of them accompanied by their powerful Pokemon.

“So be it. I’d rather die than leave a friend. Pidgeot, quick attack!”

With a lightning quick flap of it’s wings, Pidgeot took off from the ground and slammed into Alakazam like a missile. The psychic Pokemon crumbled to the floor, much to Blue’s annoyance. Pryce quickly yelled a command at Weavile, which leapt into the air and produced a powerful blizzard which engulfed the entire dining room.

“You dare defy the Champion!” screamed Blue through the bitter sleet of the blizzard.

Falkner watched helplessly as Pidgeot struggled to find it’s opponents through the swirling vortex of ice. A blue aura suddenly surrounded the majestic bird.

“Look out Pidgeot!”

It was too late. Pidgeot was slammed into the wall by an invisible force and Falkner yelled frantically as it tried to break free from Alakazam’s psychic attack. At that point, Bugsy stepped forward. He turned to Falkner and tried to say something. Through the clicking, Falkner could hear the words “I can hear them". Bugsy then charged into the blizzard and an astonished Blue watched as Bugsy thrust his horn violently into the side of Alakazam. The Pokemon hit the floor once more and Pidgeot was freed from it’s psychic grip.

“Bugsy! Come on, we need to go!” Falkner yelled, as he withdrew Pidgeot.

Bugsy emerged from the blizzard and the two quickly fled from the room. Blue and Pryce continued to stagger through the wintry storm which eventually died down. Alakazam lay injured on the floor.

“How did Bugsy know where Alakazam was?” a frustrated Blue asked. “He should have been blind in that blizzard!”

“Maybe he has supersonic hearing now- like most insects.” answered Pryce.

“Get after them you fool!” yelled Blue.

Pryce nodded and quickly sprinted out the room, followed by his Weavile. Blue observed the damage done in his dining room. Everything had been destroyed and the walls were layered in ice. A furious Blue slammed his fists against the broken dining table. He had no idea where the elemental treasures were and now, they had an escaped hybrid running amok. Blue left the room and frantically ran down a spiral staircase, before entering a room at the end of a dingy, damp corridor. As he entered the room, he was greeted by the dishelved appearance of Professor Oak, who was chained to the stone walls.

“Alright gramps?”

“I hear the Kanto gym leaders have made progess in Johto. From overhearing your last meeting, I reckon they must have taken over New Bark town by now.” Professor Oak said almost casually.

“The elemental treasures aren’t in Mt Moon.”

Professor Oak laughed. Blue struck him with the back of his hand.

“Where are they?!” Blue screamed, madness flashing in his eyes.

“You know what they call you Blue? The citizens of Johto…your people…they call you “the mad champion”. And you know what they call Red? They call him “the silent champion”. Now, that’s a name that summons both fear from his enemies and respect from his people. But you…I’m afraid people pity you. They pity the mad champion.”

“Red is an evil man!”

“Says the man who has his grandfather locked in the cellar.”

“He’s a liar…a cheat…a disgusting man with no honour…”

“Those are the ramblings of a mad man.”

Blue sank to his knees next to his grandfather.

“…I’m sorry.” said Blue.

“What for?” roared Professor Oak “Blowing up the radio tower? Starting a war? Becoming a tool of greed and corruption?”

“I’m sorry for what I did to you.” Blue said.

The answer shocked Professor Oak into silence. As Blue collapsed exhausted onto the ground, his grandfather stared into Blue’s eyes. For a wonderful second, he saw a glimpse of the courageous and righteous boy he used to love several years ago. The child he used to know before the war…before he fell victim to the temptations of power and revenge…before their terrible feud over Blue’s “lack of morals” which ended their relationship. However, the glimpse quickly disappeared. Blue staggered to his feet and stood tall over his weakened and broken grandfather.

“What happened to you Blue?” Professor Oak said sadly.

Blue looked into grandfather’s eyes and saw the sadness and the despair which had festered itself within his soul. He felt a whirlwind of guilt rip his insides apart and felt an urge to unchain him and help him...then the other urges emerged from the depths of Blue’s soul. The thirst for power and revenge and the respect of his long-dead father. The desire to help his grandfather vanished.

“I’m not mad am I?” Blue asked.

“No. Not at all. Just lost.” Professor Oak said smiling, as if he was calming a scared child.

"...thanks Gramps."

Blue smiled and swiftly exited, slamming the door as he left.

“When you tell me the location of the elemental treasures, I will let you free.” Blue yelled through the door.

A startled Blue then noticed a figure had appeared at the end of the corridor. It was a dark haired, young man who’s face was concealed by a cap.

It was Red.

“…you…dirty…cheat…filth…liar…!”

A second later, Red was nowhere to be seen and Blue was left standing in the corridor alone. He heard his grandfather, yelling madly in the distance behind him.

“The mad champion..." Professor Oak sobbed from his room. "The mad champion...my boy is mad..."

“I’m not mad.” Blue said, reassuring himself. “I’m not mad…”

Sid87
18th July 2012, 2:50 AM
In the whispers and hushed voices of the citizens of Johto, they often refer to Blue’s mansion as hell itself. There are two reasons why that is.

The first reason is the impressive yet terrifying location of the mansion. A Johto tale once told of a talented trainer who tried to gain access to the mansion. He was forced to travel deep into the mountain range that divides Johto and Kanto and march defiantly through freezing conditions and formiddable terrain. He then climbed to the summit of a monstrous, active volcano and was faced by the three legendary dogs- all of which were under Blue’s command and ordered to guard the entrance to the underworld that Blue calls his home. By some divine miracle, the trainer defeated the three dogs. His next step was to voyage down into the active volcano. He did so on the back of his Pidgeot and he soon descended into a twisted world of fire and lava. In the middle of this hidden realm, he found Blue’s mansion- a magnificent, castle-like structure built out of black marble and gold.

Good imagery, if inconceivable. :) The gold would melt; the marble would superheat, and no one would be able to survive there anyway. But still, in a "suspension of disbelief" kind of way, it's a good image.


Blue stood at the window of his great dining hall, looking out at the landscape of flames he lived in. Stood next to him was Pryce- an old, stern-looking gym leader who was Blue’s most trusted advisor. He was holding a pen and notebook and was waiting for Blue to speak.

What an odd place to put Pryce. He seems, pun somewhat intended, very much out of his element in an active volcano.


“That bastard Red got in the way! How I hate him. As I earned my title as champion, Red scurried out from his hole and challenged me for the title. Red drew with me but not out of skill. Oh no. He cheated! He’s a dirty cheater! A filthy cheater and a liar but that’s forgotten in the history books. Because we drew, there were two Indigo Plateau Champions. The Ancient Laws of Champions declared that if a draw occurred, the land would be divided into two. Red got Kanto- my beloved homeland while I was declared the Champion of Johto. Tensions continued between us for many years as we ruled over our respective regions but we remained peaceful. But then we found out about the existance of the elemental treasures…”

"existence".

Anyway, I REALLY like this history. It doesn't jive with the canon of the games, but who cares? It's a greatly interesting origin for Johto and Kanto.


“I’m afraid not.” admitted Clair “Me and my men battled our way through Kanto to get to Mt Moon- but when we searched the mountain, there was no sightings of the elemental treasures.”

Should be "My men and I". Though it works as part of colloquial speech the way you wrote it. It's just still grammatically wrong. :)


Falkner took a glance at Bugsy, who cowered behind him and Pidgeot. In front of them stood Blue and Pryce, both of them accompanied by their powerful Pokemon.

“So be it. I’d rather die than leave a friend. Pidgeot, quick attack!”

Awesome! Falkner, portrayed as kind of a turd in the games, gets to play the part of honorable, dignified hero. I like that. And it adds even more division in Blue's ranks.


Blue realised he was no getting nowhere and left the room. He slammed the door behind him, locked it and shouted “when you’re ready to tell me the location of the elemental treasures, I will free you” before leaving. A startled Blue then realised a figure had appeared at the end of the corridor. It was a dark haired, young man who’s face was concealed by a cap.

*realized


It was Red.

“…you…dirty…cheat…filth…liar…!”

A second later, Red was nowhere to be seen and Blue was left standing in the corridor alone. He heard his grandfather, yelling madly in the distance behind him.

“The mad champion! They pity the mad champion!”

“I’m not mad.” Blue said, reassuring himself. “I’m not mad…”

Okay, now that's a pretty awesome ending. What is going on with him?

I enjoyed this section...maybe not AS MUCH as the first two, but still good. I loved Falkner playing the role of a hero.

Are we going to see Cynthia/Steven/Wallace/Adler? Your signature seems to imply that we will... ;)

Miror B...
18th July 2012, 9:12 PM
Good imagery, if inconceivable. :) The gold would melt; the marble would superheat, and no one would be able to survive there anyway. But still, in a "suspension of disbelief" kind of way, it's a good image.

Aha, thanks. I might sneak in a line about how Alakazam's psychic shield protects the castle from the heat and lava to make it a tad more realistic.



What an odd place to put Pryce. He seems, pun somewhat intended, very much out of his element in an active volcano.

I wish I could say that was intentional juxtaposition...good spot though.


"existence".


Should be "My men and I". Though it works as part of colloquial speech the way you wrote it. It's just still grammatically wrong. :)


*realized

As always, thanks for this- I will edit the mistakes in a minute.


Anyway, I REALLY like this history. It doesn't jive with the canon of the games, but who cares? It's a greatly interesting origin for Johto and Kanto.

Thanks!


Awesome! Falkner, portrayed as kind of a turd in the games, gets to play the part of honorable, dignified hero. I like that. And it adds even more division in Blue's ranks.

Aha, true. I just think the story needs an obvious, clear-cut "hero" character at this stage, considering the fact that most of the characters that have featured so far aren't exactly good:

Blue- murdered Mary, kidnapped Professor Oak, tried to kill Bugsy.
Koga- Traitor, pretty unpleasant guy in general.
Blaine- Could be seen as a "good guy" but bear in mind, he did develop the weapon that transformed Bugsy into a hybrid.
Red- Who know's whether Red is good or not?

So yeah, in a cast of morally dubious characters, I thought it was good to have an clear "good guy" character so that's why Falkner came into the story. I picked Falkner for this "hero" role because I've always liked him as a character and there's a contrast between his personality in this story and in the games- which flips reader's expectations.


Okay, now that's a pretty awesome ending. What is going on with him?

I enjoyed this section...maybe not AS MUCH as the first two, but still good. I loved Falkner playing the role of a hero.

Thanks!


Are we going to see Cynthia/Steven/Wallace/Adler? Your signature seems to imply that we will... ;)

I don't want to reveal too much but yes, the other champions will be making an appearance. One of them will be seen very soon actually...

Once again, thanks for your comments :)

Young Xehanort
18th July 2012, 9:15 PM
Need more.....NAO

I'm not even old enough yet I read this 'cuz its intresting.

Miror B...
18th July 2012, 9:24 PM
I'm glad your enjoying it Comboman77! Would you like to be added onto the PM list so I can notify you when a new chapter is posted?

Young Xehanort
19th July 2012, 6:05 PM
Yes, yes I would.

Nidhi764
19th July 2012, 6:16 PM
Can I be part of the VM list?

Miror B...
19th July 2012, 6:36 PM
Yes, yes I would.

You are now on the PM list :)


Can I be part of the VM list?

Sure thing :)

Srivats123
19th July 2012, 7:56 PM
I liked the story a lot.
I think you should add more chapters to it and the n publish the stories into a book.

Miror B...
19th July 2012, 10:55 PM
I liked the story a lot.
I think you should add more chapters to it and the n publish the stories into a book.

The story is not finished yet so I will defintely be adding more chapters. Thanks for your comments :)

lucarioisawesome
20th July 2012, 7:57 AM
pm list pls!

Miror B...
20th July 2012, 6:50 PM
pm list pls!

I will add you now :)

Srivats123
20th July 2012, 10:17 PM
Can I join hte list, too?

Miror B...
21st July 2012, 12:16 AM
Can I join hte list, too?

Of course, I shall add you now :)

Srivats123
21st July 2012, 5:56 AM
Thank you for adding me.

Young Xehanort
21st July 2012, 11:05 PM
..........................

I'm waaaaaaaiting....

Miror B...
22nd July 2012, 9:28 PM
..........................

I'm waaaaaaaiting....

Aha, the next chapter won't be posted for a while yet. I don't want to scare of new readers by posting lots of chapters in a short amount of time. Hopefully though, the wait will mean my next chapter will be near perfection given the amount of time spent on it. Don't hold me to that though.

I may post some hints about Chapter 3 in the next few days too, so look out for those. :)

Young Xehanort
23rd July 2012, 8:33 PM
Awesome .

Miror B...
2nd August 2012, 4:14 PM
I promised hints, so I bring you the official hints for Chapter 3:

- The chapter is called Chapter 03: Sabrina. No prizes for guessing who the Chapter focuses on then.

- Considering this fan-fic is based on a war, there's been little action so far (except the odd battle and hybrid transformation). This chapter is going to change that- it's very action orientated and there'll be a lot of gore too. It'll be like every war film you've ever seen plus with added Onix.

- Staying with the traditions of this story, some of the characters will be different from how they are portrayed in the games, anime etc

- Questions will be answered. How did Koga/Blaine travel into Johto in Chapter 1? What happened to Falkner and Bugsy following Blue's attempt to murder them?

- People who say Pokemon cannot be evil are wrong.

- Not really a hint but I'll be doing character profiles starting with Chapter 3. This is because the number of characters is going to increased considerably (including a small number of original characters) so keeping track of them and their Pokemon may become difficult.

I think that's enough to keep going for now. Chapter 03: Sabrina will be up soon- not too soon- but soon. :)

Young Xehanort
2nd August 2012, 5:09 PM
Awesome!
Can't wait, but I will :P

ChloboShoka
4th August 2012, 11:37 PM
You can add me to the PM list too. :) I really loved how you made Blue so bitter about being only the champion of Johto, when he wanted Kanto too. I really love how conflicted Johto and Kanto are when compared to the games they seem to hold hands. Loved the conversation between Blaine and Koga in the first chapter because the tension was believable. The imagery of Bugsy fusing with Herracross sounds like it could be very fierce. Looking forward to the next chapter with Sabrina, and particularly looking forward to see how the champions and leaders from other regions would respond.

Miror B...
4th August 2012, 11:49 PM
You can add me to the PM list too. :) I really loved how you made Blue so bitter about being only the champion of Johto, when he wanted Kanto too. I really love how conflicted Johto and Kanto are when compared to the games they seem to hold hands. Loved the conversation between Blaine and Koga in the first chapter because the tension was believable. The imagery of Bugsy fusing with Herracross sounds like it could be very fierce. Looking forward to the next chapter with Sabrina, and particularly looking forward to see how the champions and leaders from other regions would respond.

Thanks for the review! I will add you to the PM list :)

Young Xehanort
6th August 2012, 8:31 PM
I'm jittering.
I can barely wait any longer.

SnoringFrog
7th August 2012, 12:05 AM
Here from the Review Game; this review just covers the prologue and the first chapter.


Judging just from the prologue, I don't think I would have stuck with this story if I wasn't here from the review game. It just didn't feel very gripping. I understand that presenting it as a transcript limits you somewhat, but despite that I feel it could have been made more gripping somehow. With the crazy action that was going on (some of which is hard to believe, such as how Blue and his soldiers got there so quickly), it managed to feel like a pretty dull experience.

Blue's character was also a huge turn-off for me in regards to staying interested in the story. Blue is one of my favorite characters, and the way you've presented him just doesn't sit right with me. It doesn't feel like it fits with what (admittedly little) I know of Blue. I can believe that tension between Red and Blue would develop and that that could potentially lead to something big, but I don't see how that suddenly converted Blue into a cold enough person that he had such little remorse for killing his own grandfather. The other characters seemed fine, however. Koga's stuck-up attitude feels natural enough, as does Blaine's conflict with attempting to remain honorable while designing such horrible weapons makes sense as well.

Speaking of the characters, I have mixed feelings about the relationships between them. To be frank, I found the Prof. Oak/Blue relationship not well done at all. In all we see of their interaction, there does not seem to be anything to indicate the bond they used to have. Blue shows absolutely no remorse for putting his grandfather's life on the line (like I just talked about above), but I'll give you that for the moment and just assume something absolutely crazy happened with him and he truly is that despicable now, as much as I hate that. However, even with that kind of allowance, Oak's response seems less pained than it should be when he sees his own grandson come to betray/kill him after knowing that he is about to begin a war.

Initially, the basic idea for this story seemed interesting (that was mostly judging by the title and your sig banner/ad); however, when I got to reading it I changed my mind on that. As I said already, tension between Red and Blue is both believeable and interesting, and I think that could be an amazing division to explore. It makes sense that, overall, the gym leaders would align themselves with the champions of their respective regions as well (though one or two go to the other side might be interesting, which you may have done later on, I don't know). So far, this sounds like a great story. Gym leaders and champions working in huge battles against each other, likely causing havoc as they get focused on battles with immensely powerful pokemon and ignore the collateral damage. One idea ruined it for me though: the soldiers. When you said it would be a war, I expected just the champions/leaders to be involved, and while I can see them having a few supporters that might fight alongside them, I don't see how they've both managed to amass real armies as if being champion of a region made them the rulers of the country. Additionaly, if Red and Blue's conflict is bringing this kind of war to Kanto/Johto, where then are the armies of those two regions/countries? Shouldn't the world leaders themselves be trying to defend their lands from these two champions and their random armies? There might be a way to explain Red/Blue's armies, but you didn't seem to have one at all. You just assumed we would accept that, and, personally, it's something that seems to unbelieveable for me.

Also, something I think needs to be explored is why Koga chose the side he did. Being a member of Johto's Elite 4 seems like it would give him reason to be alligned with Johto, but his position as a gym leader (or former position, I suppose, since Jasmine took over) would tie him to Kanto. If you deal with the rest of the Elite 4's as well, Lance and Bruno would also probably have interesting reasons for picking sides, although I can see both of them simply backing out of the war all together or taking on both sides in attempt to stop it.


Overall, the story didn't really grab me like I hoped it would, and various elements of the plot and Blue's character turned me off from it all together. I won't be sticking around for future chapters, but I do hope some part of this review is helpful to you.


Edit: Ok, noticed the second chapter was about Blue so I gave it a quick read as well. I saw that you did explain why champions randomly have armies underneath them (sorta), but it still didn't seem like it completely explained it. Blue's father said that in times of war the champions become leaders. I can believe that much. However, I can't believe that these champions have enough authority in times of peace to start wars, especially ones based on personal vendettas.

Miror B...
7th August 2012, 6:11 PM
Blue's character was also a huge turn-off for me in regards to staying interested in the story. Blue is one of my favorite characters, and the way you've presented him just doesn't sit right with me. It doesn't feel like it fits with what (admittedly little) I know of Blue.

That was my intention within the first few chapters- you're meant to be shocked by the drastic change in Blue's personality. The story of Blue's time as Champion and his descent into madness will be a theme apparent in future chapters so it will become clear why Blue is such an evil guy.




Speaking of the characters, I have mixed feelings about the relationships between them. To be frank, I found the Prof. Oak/Blue relationship not well done at all. In all we see of their interaction, there does not seem to be anything to indicate the bond they used to have. Blue shows absolutely no remorse for putting his grandfather's life on the line (like I just talked about above), but I'll give you that for the moment and just assume something absolutely crazy happened with him and he truly is that despicable now, as much as I hate that. However, even with that kind of allowance, Oak's response seems less pained than it should be when he sees his own grandson come to betray/kill him after knowing that he is about to begin a war.

That's a fair criticism and I'll take it into account in future chapters.


Gym leaders and champions working in huge battles against each other, likely causing havoc as they get focused on battles with immensely powerful pokemon and ignore the collateral damage.

Trust me, this is what the previous chapters have been building up to. If I can tempt you to read Chapter 3, you may like what you see.


One idea ruined it for me though: the soldiers. When you said it would be a war, I expected just the champions/leaders to be involved, and while I can see them having a few supporters that might fight alongside them, I don't see how they've both managed to amass real armies as if being champion of a region made them the rulers of the country. Additionaly, if Red and Blue's conflict is bringing this kind of war to Kanto/Johto, where then are the armies of those two regions/countries? Shouldn't the world leaders themselves be trying to defend their lands from these two champions and their random armies? There might be a way to explain Red/Blue's armies, but you didn't seem to have one at all. You just assumed we would accept that, and, personally, it's something that seems to unbelieveable for me.

Fair enough. The idea is a region is ruled (by a President, Mayor, Emperor- depending on the region)- however, in times of war, the power is handed over the region's top battler and warrior- the Champion. It's a concept which is believable in my opinion- however, I understand it's need to be more clear within the story.


Also, something I think needs to be explored is why Koga chose the side he did. Being a member of Johto's Elite 4 seems like it would give him reason to be alligned with Johto, but his position as a gym leader (or former position, I suppose, since Jasmine took over) would tie him to Kanto. If you deal with the rest of the Elite 4's as well, Lance and Bruno would also probably have interesting reasons for picking sides, although I can see both of them simply backing out of the war all together or taking on both sides in attempt to stop it.

Koga is still gym leader within this story. The Elite 4 will defintely be explored soon enough.


Overall, the story didn't really grab me like I hoped it would, and various elements of the plot and Blue's character turned me off from it all together. I won't be sticking around for future chapters, but I do hope some part of this review is helpful to you.

That's a shame. However, I do feel some of your criticisms are themes and questions that will be answered in later Chapters and weren't included in the prologue/chapter 1 because they were more focused on setting the scene. Some of the things you mentioned you wanted to see (massive battles between gym leaders and champions, the division between Red and Blue, the Elite 4) are something I was planning to focus on anyway- espicially within Chapter 3, which will see a massive, dramatic battle happen. Though, if I can't tempt you to read on then fair enough and thanks for the comments- they were helpful indeed. :)


Edit: Ok, noticed the second chapter was about Blue so I gave it a quick read as well. I saw that you did explain why champions randomly have armies underneath them (sorta), but it still didn't seem like it completely explained it. Blue's father said that in times of war the champions become leaders. I can believe that much. However, I can't believe that these champions have enough authority in times of peace to start wars, especially ones based on personal vendettas.

I will defintely edit that and explain more about why Champions have total power. I will also explain in more detail how Blue gathered an army because he must have convinced/manipulated the ruler of Johto into helping him fulfill his evil ambitions.

Miror B...
7th August 2012, 7:50 PM
In response to some helpful comments/criticisms, I have edited the first few chapters.

- Slight changes have been made to the prologue and Chapter 1- nothing too major though.
- Chapter 2 changes: The conversation between Blue and Pryce now reveals the role of Champions in war/peace time more clearly, how Blue got the backing of the Johto army from the Johto president and minor details about the elemental treasures. Also, the confrontation between Blue and Professor Oak has also been edited slightly, now expanding more on the relationship between the two and reveals more about why Blue has become the "mad" champion.

So if you've got time, read the specific parts I edited because although they are small changes, they enhance the story and make some details clearer.

Chapter 3 will hopefully be up this weekend.

SnoringFrog
8th August 2012, 1:29 AM
In my last review, when I mentioned wanting to see the big battles between leaders/champions, I wasn't intending to say I had expected them this early in the story. I understand the need to set things up. My point was that I had been expecting just the 20 or so gym leaders/champions and their battles to be what this whole story was. Instead, I found a story of a more real-worldish war with armies, and a quest for "elemental treasures". Both concepts were something I wasn't particularly interested in, compared to what had initally sounded like a giant battle royale. I still think I'd prefer it that way, but that's not the direction you seem to be going with the story and that's not a bad thing, just isn't my cup of tea.


It's a concept which is believable in my opinion- however, I understand it's need to be more clear within the story.I'm starting to feel like there'd be a few issues with this model, but I'm pretty sure this story shows that well enough. It is still a model I can believe would come about in the pokemon world. It might not be the best decision they could have made, but it does make sense (and works oddly well with Lt. Surge's comments in the games about being in the war, considering his position as a gym leader).


Ok, now to quickly re-review the prologue and opening 2 chapters:

The tweaks to the prologue were good. Helps explain how Blue has an army behind him, and mentioning the elemental treasures (not sure if that was just added or if I just missed it last time) was a good idea to help draw people in to that aspect of the story. As I already mentioned, that aspect isn't very interesting to me personally, but anyone who would be drawn in by that sort of thing is more likely to stick around for it since you slipped it in like that.


Question about Red/Blue's draw and the "Ancient Law of Champions": So was Kanto divided into Kanto and Johto following their draw? That's what it sounds like. If so, how does that factor in with the presidents/other leaders of Kanto? It seems like splitting a region in two would leave a brand new region in need of governmental rulers, which would pose problems that need to be addressed (both within their world and within the story).

Blue's explanation of how he instigated the war was a great addition to chapter 2, and helps everything make a lot more sense. Much, much better than having a country mysteriously backing a madman.


“Somethings happened.” Falkner said. Something's


“We flew down on my Pidgeot- like the guy from the story. But, that doesn’t matter. We need help.”It feels odd how Falkner mentions that story here, and I'm not sure why he did. (I find that whole story from the beginning crazy, actually, but it can be passed off as exaggerated legend about a secluded mansion, which is how I'm taking it). I'm guessing you were just trying to emphasize the parallels between Falkner's arrival and the story, but since the reader should be seeing that anyways, it felt odd to have it so directly stated. I think tweaking Falkner's approach to the subject would help it feel more natural. Maybe if Falkner sounds like he's just realizing the similarities as he says how he arrived, instead of sounding like he tried to copy the story. Even changing "the story" in the quote to "that story" would help push it that directly. It also might help to have Falkner give some sort of physical/nonverbal reaction to seeing that connection, such as a brief chuckle before adds "like in that story" or something. Does my point here make sense? I'm getting the feeling I'm not describing it well, so I'm hoping you figure out what I mean lol. If not, I'll try to get a better explanation of it.


An immense, black horn in the centre of his forehead was the most striking feature of the metamorphosis.Most people don't wear capes on their foreheads; shouldn't this horn have been somewhat noticeable even from a distance?

The extended conversation between Oak and Blue in the cellar was nice. Helped show that Blue does still have some humanity in him, and was much more believeable. Also, since this show of emotion is so backwards to everything else we've seen from him (and comes immediately after an angry outburst where he attempts to kill a former ally), it helps emphasize that he is mad and unpredictable. This whole chapter does that much better now, actually, since it throws Blue all over the place emotionally.


As Blue collapsed exhausted onto the ground, he stared into Blue’s eyes. This sounds like Blue is staring into his own eyes.



Overall, the tweaks you added did help a lot. Still a few things I'm wondering about, and I'm still not too interested in the story, but at this point that's not at all your fault. You set it up better and explained more of what was going on, it's just not a plotline that grabs my attention currently. Regardless, I'll try and stick around to review it if I have time, but I won't make any promises since there's other things I want to read and other things I need to get done. Best of luck in writing this though. Hopefully the next people that find this have more interest in it than I've had lol.

Miror B...
8th August 2012, 11:52 AM
In my last review, when I mentioned wanting to see the big battles between leaders/champions, I wasn't intending to say I had expected them this early in the story. I understand the need to set things up. My point was that I had been expecting just the 20 or so gym leaders/champions and their battles to be what this whole story was. Instead, I found a story of a more real-worldish war with armies, and a quest for "elemental treasures". Both concepts were something I wasn't particularly interested in, compared to what had initally sounded like a giant battle royale. I still think I'd prefer it that way, but that's not the direction you seem to be going with the story and that's not a bad thing, just isn't my cup of tea.

Fair enough- that's understandable. Future chapters will defintely have giant battle royales going on though and it is very much the direction I am going in.








Question about Red/Blue's draw and the "Ancient Law of Champions": So was Kanto divided into Kanto and Johto following their draw? That's what it sounds like. If so, how does that factor in with the presidents/other leaders of Kanto? It seems like splitting a region in two would leave a brand new region in need of governmental rulers, which would pose problems that need to be addressed (both within their world and within the story).

There would have been one Indigo Champion of the Indigo Plateau, which consisted of both the separate regions Johto and Kanto. The two regions share the same league so would share the same Champion. However, as told in the story, in times of draws, the land of the Indigo Plateau (Johto and Kanto) is split into two.


Blue's explanation of how he instigated the war was a great addition to chapter 2, and helps everything make a lot more sense. Much, much better than having a country mysteriously backing a madman.

Thank you. Your comments helped me a lot in this aspect of the story, so thanks for that too.


Something's

I will edit that now.


It feels odd how Falkner mentions that story here, and I'm not sure why he did. (I find that whole story from the beginning crazy, actually, but it can be passed off as exaggerated legend about a secluded mansion, which is how I'm taking it). I'm guessing you were just trying to emphasize the parallels between Falkner's arrival and the story, but since the reader should be seeing that anyways, it felt odd to have it so directly stated. I think tweaking Falkner's approach to the subject would help it feel more natural. Maybe if Falkner sounds like he's just realizing the similarities as he says how he arrived, instead of sounding like he tried to copy the story. Even changing "the story" in the quote to "that story" would help push it that directly. It also might help to have Falkner give some sort of physical/nonverbal reaction to seeing that connection, such as a brief chuckle before adds "like in that story" or something. Does my point here make sense? I'm getting the feeling I'm not describing it well, so I'm hoping you figure out what I mean lol. If not, I'll try to get a better explanation of it.

No, no I get what you mean. Firstly, yeah, it's meant to be an exaggerated old legend or myth. Secondly, you raise some interesting points and I may include some tweaks concerning how Falkner states the similarity to the story.


Most people don't wear capes on their foreheads; shouldn't this horn have been somewhat noticeable even from a distance?

He was hidden behind Falkner and Pidgeot. Perhaps, I need to make that more clear.


The extended conversation between Oak and Blue in the cellar was nice. Helped show that Blue does still have some humanity in him, and was much more believeable. Also, since this show of emotion is so backwards to everything else we've seen from him (and comes immediately after an angry outburst where he attempts to kill a former ally), it helps emphasize that he is mad and unpredictable. This whole chapter does that much better now, actually, since it throws Blue all over the place emotionally.

Thank you.


This sounds like Blue is staring into his own eyes.

Ok, I will edit that too.


Overall, the tweaks you added did help a lot.

Thank you- I will agree the tweaks have helped a lot.


You set it up better and explained more of what was going on, it's just not a plotline that grabs my attention currently. Regardless, I'll try and stick around to review it if I have time, but I won't make any promises since there's other things I want to read and other things I need to get done.

Fair enough- if you have spare time on your hands, I'd love to hear your comments on future chapters. However, if you don't want to/don't have any time, then I understand :)


Best of luck in writing this though. Hopefully the next people that find this have more interest in it than I've had lol.

It's already had a considerable amount of positive interest so I'm happy about that. Thanks for wishing me luck.

Miror B...
12th August 2012, 8:01 PM
Just a brief warning- this chapter contains a bit of gore.

- A violent war has broken out between Kanto and Johto. The "mad champion of Johto" Blue gained power over the Johto forces through manipulation of the Johto President and planned to invade Kanto- to get revenge on his childhood nemesis Red and seek a powerful weapon known as the elemental treasures. The "silent champion of Kanto" Red and the Kanto gym leaders & army invaded Johto to neutralize the threat and protect their people back home. However, the motives of the silent Red are still unclear...

- Bugsy was transformed into a half-human, half Heracross hybrid following an attack by Blaine and Koga using a weapon known as a hybrid bomb. Pryce and Blue then tried to kill Bugsy but he managed to escape, with help from Falkner.

- The Kanto forces are fighting their way through Johto.

- Blaine has begun to doubt whether he is a honorable man and also whether Red is actually a good man.

---


Chapter 03: Sabrina

A wise philosopher once said, “I am sick of power hungry trainers dreaming up wars for their Pokemon to die in”. I agree with this belief and this chapter, which details one of the bloodiest battles in the War of Champions, will show why.

~

The Goldenrod City Gym looked relatively normal, aside from the fact it was roaring its way towards the upper atmosphere. The gym was suspended in a dark blue aura and looked as if it had been ripped forcefully from the ground, which was now many miles beneath it. Astonished to discover her gym was now more of an airship than a building, gym leader Whitney darted to the arched windows. The golden skyscrapers of the city, the rebuilt radio tower, and the spiraling track of the magnet train were now all tiny, insignificant dots on a vast green canvas, which was crammed full with even more tiny, insignificant dots. Whitney soon found herself surrounded by the culprits. With her blue hair and dark soulless eyes, Sabrina- the psychic gym leader of Kanto- was the first face recognised by Whitney.

Alongside Sabrina were her three Pokemon- Alakazam, Gothitelle and Mr Mime, who was menacingly twirling a knife in his hands. Also present was a nervous and agitated young man, dressed in a white cloak and possessing the same, bright blue hair as Sabrina. Accompanying the young man was his Slowbro, who appeared disinterested in the whole situation despite being in the fastest moving Pokemon gym ever recorded.

“What do you want, ya Kanto scum?” spat Whitney, a strong "goldy" accent present in her voice.

“I’ve seen into your mind, Whitney. You know what we want.” said Sabrina.

“…You’ve seen into my mind?”

“Yes. To enter one’s mind is meant to be an insightful voyage into an infinite dimension of knowledge and creativity. However, yours was the equivalent of entering a cramped, worn-out old shack. Even for a numb skull, your mind is primitive and dull.” Sabrina said calmly.

The young mann laughed nervously. Mr Mime cackled wildly.

“A numb skull?” asked Whitney angrily.

“Inferior people that do not possess psychic qualities- like yourself,” said Sabrina "Now, hand over the Pokemon."

"Who do you think you are pal?" shrieked Whitney "What are you gonna do if I don't- set your geeky, little boyfriend on me?"

"I'm- I'm not her boyfriend." stammered the young man, realizing she was referring to him.

"Who the hell are you then?" demanded Whitney.

"Tyron. Member of Sabrina's Psychic Squad B25...well, what's left of it anyway."

"Well Tyron, you're going to learn that nobody crosses my turf and lives. Ya get me? Miltank, Rollout!"

The Miltank suddenly burst through the wall and rolled towards Sabrina and Tyron with tremendous speed. An inferno of panic began to burn within Tyron and he glanced over to Sabrina, who remained eerily calm. Mr Mime stepped forwards and with one swift movement of his hand, he formed an invisible barrier. At full speed, the Miltank slammed into the barrier and there was an almighty crunch as the bones within its body snapped like timber. It was at this point, Tyron's Slowbro let out a long, slow chuckle.

“Old shack. That’s a good one.” laughed Slowbro dopily “When are we getting off this gym Tyron? I feel airsick.”

Tyron glared at it angrily. Slowbro had learned to speak many years ago but as an unfortunate side effect, he had also learned to complain- a skill he utilizes constantly, much to Tyron’s annoyance.

“My head hurts.” moaned Slowbro.

“Shut up.” suggested Tyron.

Whitney appeared terrified, as she watched her Miltank struggle to stand.

"If you won't tell us the location of the Pokemon, we'll have to force it out of you," said Sabrina, calm as ever. "Alakazam. Gothitelle. Both use psychic attack."

Whitney collapsed violently and began to writhe on the floor in agony, as Alakazam’s and Gothitelle’s psychic attacks ravaged her mind. Mr Mime looked on furiously as Sabrina’s apparent two favourite Pokemon tortured Whitney.

"Should be me..." it whispered, while making a small, stabbing motion with his knife.

If Whitney’s mind was an old shack, then Mr Mime’s mind would be the equivalent of Norman Bate’s motel. Whitney shrieked loudly and if by summon, something burst through the door, much to Sabrina’s complete lack of surprise.

“Girafarig! No!” cried Whitney.

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist the cries of your master.” said Sabrina “You are proof that emotions are the biggest weakness a being can have.”

Girafarig glanced at the broken Whitney on the floor. He was an intelligent Pokemon and knew he was the Pokemon Sabrina was after. He also knew the only way to save Whitney was to hand himself over. Now a slave to his loyalty, Girafarig stepped slowly towards Sabrina.

“Make it quick.” Girafarig requested through telepathy.

Sabrina didn’t.

As Girafarig died, so did the protection of the citizens of the city below. It was at that moment the invisible psychic barrier that surrounded the city vanished and an army hidden in the shadows began to move in.

~

For the citizens of Goldenrod, their day had already started off stranger than usual. They awoke to the news of a flying gym and whispers of terrorists and Kanto forces were rife among the people of the city. They flocked to the streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of the floating gym behind the clouds. Candles were lit and prayers were said for gym leader Whitney.

It was in the afternoon, the invasion began and their already strange day became even more stranger and more terrifying.

It began with a man named Doug- a man who would soon suffer an unfortunate case of bloody and violent death. In one of the many streets of Goldenrod, a large crack appeared. Doug saw this oddity occur and began shouting excitedly. The usual circus of businessmen and clerks came to a sudden stop and stared at this crack. The ground began to shake. The crack grew wider. All of the crowd dispersed quickly, except Doug who seemed enticed at the sight of the ground becoming a vast canyon right before his eyes. It was then the absurd happened.

An Onix leapt suddenly from the darkness of the newly formed canyon, impaling Doug on its stone horn in the process. As Doug’s organs seeped down Onix’s face, his last thoughts wasn’t of his family or loved ones but of his own stupidity. Chaos and panic spread throughout the city, as the Onix began ripping its way through cars, buildings and people. On the back of the mighty rock Pokemon was gym leader Brock, outfitted in the finest Kanto battle armour.

“Hikers! Attack!” Brock yelled.

A small army of Hikers emerged from the same canyon. They charged into battle with low, rumbling yells and their pickaxes raised. One survivor would later remark Brock’s squad of Hikers reminded him of the Vikings. As rock Pokemon began to take over the city, Johto troops arrived in their jeeps and tanks. The Johto soldiers were decorated in dark green uniform and one was carrying a flag bearing an image of Blastoise- the Pokemon of both Johto and Champion Blue. The buildings of Goldenrod began to plummet as Brock’s Onix continued it’s path of destruction. Geodudes (the signature Pokemon of Hikers) buried themselves within the rubble of the buildings and then pounced, snapping the necks of Johto troops as they ran past. Soldiers and citizens alike were prevented from fleeing, as rock Pokemon like Golem and Gigalith began to form an almost indestructible barrier around the city.

A young and terrified Johto soldier sprinted into one of the abandoned houses. He clasped his ears, desperate not to hear the screams of his friends. As he wiped the sweat from his eyes, he failed to notice the snake-like vine emerge through the window. It felt around blindly for a few seconds before finding the soldier’s leg. The young boy squealed loudly in surprise as the vine began to constrict itself around his body. The vine climbed higher and higher. The soldier found it impossible to move- whether it was because of the vine or his own powerful fear, he was unsure. The vine soon found the soldier’s face and to his horror, it entered his mouth. In the last few seconds of his life, he felt it wrap itself around his brain and watched horrified as his brain was wrenched through his bleeding and throbbing mouth. The vine chucked the brain aside carelessly and withdrew back to it’s owner- the mighty, tank-like Venasaur, who was ploughing its way through the streets of Goldenrod.

“Vine Whip the tank!” yelled Erika, on the back of the Venasaur.

The vine soon found a tank, which was trying feebly to destroy Brock’s Onix. The vines constricted around the tank and with a sudden, surprising amount of strength, the tank was launched into the murky, smokey sky. Even more surprising was how the tank was hurled right into the path of Goldenrod Gym, which was still suspended in the sky. As the tank thundered into the gym there was a fierce explosion, which sent the burning building spiralling downwards towards the ground.

Witnessing this from the warring city was a young soldier named Raleigh, who was an assistant to gym leader Lt Surge. In the midst of the panic and hidden away in a dark alleyway, Lt Surge was combing his hair in the reflection of his Magnezone. Raleigh glared at him angrily. Raleigh was a young boy, tempted to join the army by the propaganda adverts and the chance to meet his idol- celebrated soldier Lt Surge.

"We need to get going!" growled Raleigh.

"Not until I've finished my hair. I want to look good, don't I?"

Unfortunately for Raleigh, it turned out Lt Surge was not a brave and honorable warrior. In fact, he was a model and part time actor. There was a terrible boom and the ground shook. Raleigh presumed it was the gym crashing on the other side of the city.

“How do I look?” Lt Surge smiled.

Another explosion nearby shook the ground violently. A Hoppip floated calmly overhead, dropping bombs onto soldiers as it drifted calmly in the breeze. Raleigh realised it was Erika’s Hoppip and therefore, was not a threat.

“Your hair isn’t important right now!” Raleigh yelled.

“Don’t talk madness boy!”

By using the smoke and debris that had engulfed the ruined city, a Johto soldier had managed to creep towards Lt Surge and Raleigh. The soldier revealed himself from the smokey shadows of the alleyway, armed with a gun and his Ninetales.

“You there!” the soldier yelled “Arms in the air.”

Raleigh and Lt Surge spun around surprised.

“Don’t try anything or my Ninetales will turn you into ashes.”

Raleigh was worried. He remembered learning at army training that a burn from a Ninetale’s fire attack would result in unbearable pain for the rest of your agonizing life. He glanced over at Lt Surge, who began tearing up and looked as if he was considering begging for his life. Luckily for Raleigh, the standoff was interupted by appearance of Tyron and Slowbro, who materialised in the alleyway.

“Where are we?” asked Tyron, still dazed from his teleportation.

“Why does it matter?” moaned Slowbro “We’re still going to die.”

“Arms in the air!” the Johto soldier yelled again.

Tyron examined the mind of the soldier quickly. He saw the sparks of fear and dread within his mind and concluded the soldier had too much compassion to shoot another man.

“Slowbro. Hydro pump!”

“No.”

“What?!”

“No point.”

“You stupid idiot! Just attack!”

“You’ve asked for this!” grunted the soldier “Flamethrower Ninetales!”

A huge, scorching sphere of flames soared towards the group. Lt Surge ducked behind his Magnezone while Raleigh dived to the ground. Slowbro decided to do nothing while Tyron attemped to stop the fiery ball with his mind but panic dimmed his psychic abilities. By a considerable amount of luck however, the fire attack was stopped abruptly in the air by someone else’s psychic attack.

Blaine stepped out from the shadows, on the back of his Aracanine. Next to Blaine were his other two Pokemon- Magmar and Victini. Tyron quickly realised the Victini was using its psychic abilities to control Ninetale’s fire attack and he watched amazed as it transformed the sphere into an enormous dragon, fabricated entirely out of blistering flames. The soldier watched in both awe and fear as the dragon engulfed him. Instantly his skin, hair and eyes boiled and melted away into a grimey puddle on the ground. The dragon then rose into the sky and to eveyone’s horror, only a charred skeleton was left which remained standing for a single second before collapsing into a pile of scorched bones. The terrified Ninetales had also been burnt by it's own attack and now cried in agony.

“Well, that was pleasant.” said Slowbro.

“You must be more careful.” said Blaine “This is war, you remember.”

Blaine rode away on his Arcanine, quickly followed by Magmar and Victini. It was then the old, honourable warrior came across two individuals emerging from the slums of Goldenrod City. He quicky recognised one of them and felt a jolt of guilt when he did. The deformed, beetle like body of Bugsy was easy to spot, even from several metres away and Blaine watched as Bugsy (and he presumed Falkner) floated away on the latter’s Drifblim. It was then that ice gym leader Pryce appeared from the slums too, on the back of his massive Mamoswine and accompanied by his Weavile. Blaine realised what was about to happen and dismounted by Arcanine.

“Mamoswine. Weavile. Both use ice beam attack at those traitors!” Pryce commanded.

Before they could however, Blaine’s Arcanine leapt ferociously at Mamoswine and the two colossal Pokemon aggressively began to wrestle each other. Pryce shrieked in surprise and plummeted from the back of Mamoswine. He staggered to his feet. Both Blaine and Pryce watched on as their Pokemon fought for the honors and beliefs of their masters. The battle of ice and fire. Arcanine was scratching wildly at Mamoswine’s face while the ice Pokemon was thrusting his tusks through Aracanine’s body. Blaine watched helplessly as Mamoswine pierced Arcanine’s skin with it’s tusk and then kicked the lifeless Pokemon aside.

“Just give it up Blaine.” Pryce smiled.

“Never!” growled Blaine “Not while evil people like you still exist.”

“I am not evil.” Pryce said "I am merely following orders."

"From an evil Champion! Blue is a murderer!"

"All people in power are." yelled Pryce "You think Red is any different?"

Blaine decided not to reply, on the grounds he did not know the answer.

“Nice talking to you.” grinned Pryce. “I’ll let you treat your Arcanine.”

The gym leader stormed away on the back of the battle scared Mamoswine.

Watching the scene from the top of a burning skyscraper was Sabrina, who had teleported there from the crashing gym. Alakazam lay dying next to her, a stray bullet lodged in its chest. Sabrina remained uninterested as her oldest “friend” passed away. Mr Mime cackled excitedly, delighted at the fact that one of its main competitors was now dead. Sabrina remained focused on the battle, as hundreds of Pokemon were engaging in battles to the death in the now ruined city of Goldenrod.

Without warning, a shadow leapt from the body of Alakazam. A startled Sabrina found herself staring at the sudden appearance of a Gengar and it’s blonde haired, handsome trainer- who she recognised as Johto gym leader and fellow psychic Morty. She attempted to read his mind but to her horror, discovered that she couldn’t penetrate his mind whatsoever.

"What's the matter, Sabrina of Kanto? Have your psychic powers failed you?" Morty smirked.

"How is this possible?" Sabrina growled.

"Careful there Sabrina. You almost sounded angry."

"I have lived a life devoid of emotion and family- the attributes of numb skulls- to enhance my psychic abilities to the maximum. A life without meaning to gain unlimited power. Becoming gym leader, fighting in wars- all of it just excuses to practice my psychic powers. To find a trainer better than me in that regard is..."

"Terrifying?" Morty smiled "You know what they say about war? It forces you to confront your darkest fears and so, here I am!"

Sabrina felt a sensation, a feeling- which was unusual, she noticed. Was it love? Hate? Jealously? No, it was something stronger. A purpose. Sabrina now had a purpose in life, one more important than silly wars and fueds. Her purpose was to destroy Morty- the one trainer who could perhaps equal her.

“Sleep Sabrina. Sleep.” whispered Morty. “We are destined to battle soon.”

Sabrina fell under the spell of Gengar’s hypnosis attack and collapsed. Mr Mime and Gothitelle launched themselves into the battle but Morty and his Gengar teleported away, just before the skyscraper began to plummet towards the ground.

~

The battle was over. The once majestic and sprawling metropolis was now in ruins and barely any buildings remained. Bodies of Pokemon and a few soldiers lined the streets. Erika was trying to treat a Youngster named Joey and his Rattata, who were caught in the battle.

“Get away from me!” yelled Joey “You’re from Kanto!”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t treat you.” smiled Erika kindly.

After a few minutes of persuading, Erika was given permission to use her Vileplume to heal Joey and Rattata. Elsewhere, the survivors of the battle were gathered around Brock, who was reflecting upon the death of one of his Pokemon. Blaine, Raleigh and the Hikers looked on sadly as Brock stood over the freshly-dug grave of Geodude.

“Do you think he was shot in the head?” laughed Lt Surge.

The comment was met with a sudden thump to his face. Brock stormed off and found himself wandering through the rubble and destruction he had caused. He soon encountered Erika, who was aimlessly wandering through the devastation too.

"Have you seen Sabrina?" she asked.

"No."

Erika slumped to the ground exhausted and Brock sat next to her. Together, they stared out at the ruined streets of Goldenrod, which were now littered with the corpses of Pokemon.

"I hate this part." she said sadly.

"What part?" said Brock.

"The guilt...it drives me mad. We caused this, all this devastation and death and what for?" Erika said "I mean...I try to help the survivors and the innocent afterwards...but then I remember I probably killed their family and friends. But I guess you don't feel anything. What does that old saying about you go? 'Brock's heart is harder than the rock Pokemon he commands'."

"You need a heart of stone as a gym leader. They have a reputation to uphold as brave and courageous protectors."

"Does that make it ok though?" Erika said.

"Yes. We cannot afford to look weak or our entire region will be threatened. We need to become a different person in the battlefield. A person without morals. We need to become destructive forces of nature, the stuff of terrible legend. We need to become what our enemy's children will fear at night. Its only then our region and loved ones will be free."

"We're not monsters though, are we?" asked Erika sadly.

"Yes we are." Brock said "But that's the terrible sacrifice gym leaders make. Men can sacrifice their body and loved ones but we have to sacrifice more- our soul. I destroyed half a city today, murdered countless people in brutal and terrible ways... some of them young boys. If I had any soul left, my guilt would destroy me. "

"I guess I cope with the guilt by trying to heal the wounded afterwards."

"But its worth it. You know what the Johto soldiers will say now?" Brock asked.

"What?"

"They will tell stories of the heartless and fierce Erika- a warrior so powerful, she launched an entire tank into the air with one move. That'll become a legend, a myth within the battle camps of the Johto soldiers."

"Is that a good thing though?" asked Erika.

"Of course it is! If you bring fear to your enemy, you bring safety to your people. You have family and friends back home, right? They'll be sleeping safe now. No soldier will want to touch Celadon City- the home of the mighty, tank-destroying warrior Erika. So, that's what I remember when I watch my Pokemon brutally end someone's life...its our duty to protect our people and
if that means flattening a city, then so be it."

Erika nodded. They both returned to staring out at the wasteland.

"Did we lose anyone in the battle?" she asked. "No one can find Sabrina...but who cares about that cold, heartless..."

"I lost Geodude."

"Brock, I'm so sorry."

"Heart of stone, remember?" Brock said. "We can't afford to become attached..."

"But this Pokemon died for you." Erika said, almost angrily "It died for your beliefs. Don't you feel any guilt at all...?"

"Haven't you been listening? We can't afford to feel guilt..."

"Yes, yes- you don't feel guilty when you kill people and destroy cities. Yes, I get that. But what about your Pokemon...they're innocent in all this. This war has been caused by human greed and yet, it's the Pokemon that suffer. You may not be concerned that you're turning into a monster, but what about what you're turning your Pokemon into. You're turning them into no more than a glorified weapon."

Brock stammered and struggled to search for an answer. Luckily, a distraction was soon provided in the form of a Sudowoodo, who was searching among the rubble for food.

“I need a replacement for Geodude.” Brock said sternly.

"You happy with that Sudowoodo becoming a weapon then?" asked Erika.

"Yes. I must do what has to be done."

Brock sent his Primeape into battle and the fighting Pokemon quickly knocked the Sudowoodo out with a powerful seismic toss. He threw the Pokeball. It shook for a second. It remained closed. Sudowoodo was captured and Brock felt the tiniest twinge of guilt burn deep inside him. He quickly ignored it however. Erika looked on sadly. She knew as the Pokeball sealed, so did Sudowoodo’s fate. It was destined to live a life as a soldier's glorified weapon in a terrible and bloody war and perhaps die or become injured just for the beliefs of its new master.

Like Geodude before it.

Or Alakazam…Girafarig…Ninetales...Arcanine and the other Pokemon that now lay dead on the streets because of their loyalty to their masters.

~

Sabrina awoke among the rubble. Tyron was next to her and she presumed correctly that he was the one who saved her from the falling skyscraper. However, she did not care. Her obssession of Morty- her one true opponent- had consumed her and she could focus on nothing else. She realised someone else was next to her and quickly recognised the face as Agatha- member of the Elite Four.

“I have a mission for you Sabrina.” Agatha said in a croaky, gruff like voice.

“I do not care,” Sabrina said “I am done with this silly war.”

“Your Champion Red demands you go after the hybrid Bugsy. He believes the hybrid may have valuable information about the Johto forces. He was last seen on a boat heading towards Castelia City in Unova.”

“What if I wish not to?”

“You will be treated as a traitor and Red and the Elite Four will come after you,” Agatha said sternly “Here, take this.”

Agatha handed Sabrina a Pokeball. Sabrina knew what it was without having to open it- the Pokemon was an Eevee and a damn powerful one too. Sabrina decided to keep it, unconcerned of the life Eevee would now live as a soldier’s weapon.

“It was taken from the wreckage of someone’s house. I knew you had lost a Pokemon so that’s your replacement.”

“Thanks.”

“So, will you travel to Unova and capture the hybrid?” asked Agatha.

“Fine,” said Sabrina “But afterwards, I’m done with this war and want to be left alone to pursue my own ambitions.”

“Understood.”

...

Young Xehanort
12th August 2012, 10:30 PM
...

Love the ending.
I seriously love this Fanfic.

Jake76
12th August 2012, 10:33 PM
So I've kind of been a silent reader who hasn't mentioned anything about the story but I feel like I have to now. I really like this fic. While some of the theories are a little shaky (Champions functioning as de facto presidents for example), this is one of the few war fics that has been well-done. I'm always down for a gritty look at the Pokemon world so if possible, please add me to the PM list.

Miror B...
12th August 2012, 11:14 PM
...

Love the ending.
I seriously love this Fanfic.

Thanks Comboman! Your comments mean a lot :)


So I've kind of been a silent reader who hasn't mentioned anything about the story but I feel like I have to now. I really like this fic. While some of the theories are a little shaky (Champions functioning as de facto presidents for example), this is one of the few war fics that has been well-done. I'm always down for a gritty look at the Pokemon world so if possible, please add me to the PM list.

Awesome, thanks for the comments. The idea of Champions leading their regions is a concept I have altered through edits to make the idea more believable- however, I still think a little suspension of disbelief is required with this story!

I will add you to the PM list now. :)

Sid87
13th August 2012, 12:33 AM
The Goldenrod City Gym was experiencing a normal day, aside from the fact it was roaring its way towards the upper atmosphere.

I get that you are going for the shock effect of this line, but the way it reads makes it sound like everyone inside the gym is going about their business and disaffected by the whole "hurtling towards space" thing. I'm assuming they are, in fact, panicking, so they aren't having quite a normal day. :)


The gym was suspended in a dark blue aura and looked as if it had been ripped forcefully from the ground, which was now many miles beneath it. Astonished to discover her gym was now more of an airship than a building, gym leader Whitney darted to the arched windows of her gym.

A little overuse of the word "gym" there. I already figured Whitney was inside it, so I'd just end the sentence at "arched windows".


Whitney soon found the culprits, because they had suddenly surrounded her. With her dazzling blue hair and dark soulless eyes, Whitney quickly recognised the first face as Sabrina- the psychic gym leader of Kanto.

*recognized. With a Z. :)

Aside from that, the line about "suddenly finding [them] because they surrounded her" is a bit weird. I would clean it up to just say Whitney soon found herself surrounded by the culprits of this act.


Alongside Sabrina was her three Pokemon- Alakazam, Gothitelle and Mr Mime, who was menacingly twirling a knife in his hands.

Jesus! A Mr. Mime with a knife. Alakazam has spoons, so I figure Gothitelle must have a fork somewhere. Dinner time! Kidding aside...why does Mr. Mime have a knife?! Seems like overkill given that he has psychic powers.


Also present was a nervous and agitated Tryon, who was the last surviving member of Sabrina’s squad of psychic trainers. Accompanying Tyron was his Slowbro, who appeared disinterested in the whole situation despite being in the fastest moving Pokemon gym ever recorded.

The reveal of Tryon here was a bit too easy, and that's one of the reasons I don't love omniscient narration. It's just a bit like "Here's a guy and here's who he is!". I'd rather have it slowly revealed to me that he's with Sabrina and who he is. Just being given all that info from the narrator so easily takes me out of absorption in the story.


Tyron laughed nervously. Mr Mime cackled wildly.

Maniacal Mr. Mine is pretty intriguing!


“Let me guess.” said Whitney “The Kanto army want to invade Goldenrod but can’t because of the psychic shield protecting the city. You psychic trainers teleport into the city because only powerful psychic trainers can get through the shield. You then kidnap my gym and send it miles into the air. You know the psychic Pokemon that generates the shield is in this gym and you need to kill it in order to bring down the shield and allow the Kanto army to invade. Am I right?”

“Yes.”

This is another case of just giving away a LOT of info I think the reader should have to work harder for. It reads like Whitney might as well be saying "Let me tell the reader what is going on here!" It doesn't seem like something Whitney would say because they both seem to know what is going on, so it again pulls me out of the story as a reader.


Whitney was now withering on the floor in agony, as Alakazam’s and Gothitelle’s psychic attacks ravaged her mind. Mr Mime looked on furiously as Sabrina’s two favourite Pokemon tortured Whitney. He visualised stabbing the two other Pokemon and smiled wickedly at the thought of it. If Whitney’s mind was an old shack, then Mr Mime’s mind would be the equivalent of Norman Bate’s motel. Whitney shrieked loudly and if by summon, something burst through the door, much to Sabrina’s complete lack of surprise.

I feel like I'm pointing out a lot more complaints than I had the first few chapters, but bear with me. This whole paragraph was weird to me. Why am I getting the attack on Whitney in the middle of the action? It seems that the beginning of the assault on her would be more interesting than a complaining Slowbro. Why am I suddenly getting insight into Mr. Mime? I really don't like omniscient narrator for these jumps around, so because they feel so jerky. I think narration works better attached to a character for a whole scene/chapter at a time. Otherwise, the reader feels inundated with info and inner feelings from several characters, and--as I pointed out--it makes the story feel less like an "experience" to me.


Girafarig glanced at the broken Whitney on the floor. He was an intelligent Pokemon and knew Sabrina was after himself because he was generating the psychic shield that protected the city.

*him. Not himself.


So far, it was a relatively normal day for the citizens of Goldenrod. Well, apart from the fact their gym had for some inexplicable reason, decided to shoot into the sky. The citizens succumbed to human nature however and chose to ignore the unexplainable before carrying on with their normal lives. Unknowingly to them however, the invisible psychic shield that protected the city had been switched off and an army was secretly advancing…

There is an inter-regional war going on, the building of their city's protector has just been uprooted and shot into the sky, and the citizens are just going about their day? I don't buy that, sorry. To me, it'd be like people in New York City on September 11th, 2001 essentially saying "Hm, those planes keep hitting out buildings. Damn, do I need to get milk for my cereal? I'll go to the gym and get some on my way home."


It began like most wars do- with an idiot shouting loudly. The idiot in question was a Clerk named Doug- but I shall not go into more detail about him because he will soon suffer an unfortunate case of bloody and violent death.

Whoa whoa whoa. Who is "I" all the sudden? Who is narrating this bit? If it's just the same omniscient narrator, there's no reason at all for it to refer to itself. An "I" means the narrator should be in the story.


“Hikers! Attack!” Brock yelled.

It's funny because as anyone who ever watched the cartoon would think, this is not the Brock I know! So it's neat to see a completely different take.


The Johto soldiers were decorated in dark green uniform and one was carrying a flag bearing an image of Blastoise- the Pokemon of both Johto and Champion Blue.

That's a nice touch, the bit about the flag. It's like a banner or crest or coat of arms of old.


A young and terrified Johto soldier sprinted into one of the abandoned houses. He clasped his ears, desperate not to hear the screams of his friends. As he wiped the sweat from his eyes, he failed to notice the snake-like vine emerge through the window. It felt around blindly for a few seconds before finding the soldier’s leg. The young boy squealed loudly in surprise as the vine began to constrict itself around his body. The vine climbed higher and higher. The soldier found it impossible to move- whether it was because of the vine or his own powerful fear, he was unsure. The vine soon found the soldier’s face and to his horror, it entered his mouth. In the last few seconds of his life, he felt it wrap itself around his brain and watched horrified as his brain was wrenched through his bleeding nose. The vine chucked the brain aside carelessly and withdrew back to it’s owner- the mighty, tank-like Venasaur, who was ploughing its way through the streets of Goldenrod.

Okay, this was a GREAT segment. Very emotional, realistic, and violent. Just well done. UNTIL one point: There's no cavity that connects the mouth to the brain. :) So there's no way the vine entered the soldier's mouth and got to the actual brain without ripping through some part of him internally. But beside that anatomical error, this was easily the best written part of this chapter. Well done.


The vine soon found a tank, which was trying feebly to destroy Brock’s Onix. The vines constricted around the tank and with a sudden, surprising amount of strength, the tank was launched into the murky, smokey sky. Even more surprising was how the tank was hurled right into the path of Goldenrod Gym, which was still suspended in the sky. As the tank thundered into the gym there was a fierce explosion, which sent the burning building spiralling downwards towards the ground. Witnessing this from the warring city was a young soldier named Raleigh, who was an assistant to gym leader Lt Surge. In the midst of the panic and hidden away in a dark alleyway, Lt Surge was combing his hair in the reflection of his Magnezone. Raleigh glared at him angrily. Raleigh was a young boy, tempted to join the army by the propaganda adverts and the chance to meet his idol- celebrated soldier Lt Surge. However, much to his horror, he discovered Lt Surge was a model and part time actor rather than the brave and honourable warrior Raleigh was led to believe.

“How do I look?” Lt Surge smiled.

A very nice take on Surge. I like that twist. And this was another well-written bit.


A huge, scorching sphere of flames soared towards the group. Lt Surge ducked behind his Magnezone while Raleigh dived to the ground. Slowbro wondered where he could buy some mackeral while Tyron attemped to stop the fiery ball with his mind but panic dimmed his psychic abilities. By a considerable amount of luck however, the fire attack was stopped abruptly in the air by someone else’s psychic attack.

Another weird bit of narration that suddenly gives me Slowbro's P.O.V. Still not digging that.



Blaine stepped out from the shadows, on the back of his Aracanine. Next to Blaine was his other two Pokemon- Magmar and Victini.

Whoa wait what? Victini?! Wow, okay. I actually have been meaning to say this for a while, but I'm really curious as to how the Kantoan trainers seem to have so many Unova pokemon. Have they all been to Unova? You said the other regions and champions will be involved evenually...is this part of that?


“Says the person who’s been creating those hybrid bombs.” said Pryce “Yeah, I’ve heard about what you did to Bugsy with your weapon. That’s why you tried to stop me shooting down Bugsy and his friend Falkner, isn’t it? You feel guilty for what you did to him because it was an unhonourable act of cowardice.”

It seems odd that Pryce just knows that from what little firsthand knowledge he has. It reads a bit as you using a character to explicitly say something just for the reader's benefit. You can let these things linger a bit. Let the reader wonder "Why did Blaine do that?" and let his growth develop more slowly. No need to just give it all away.


The battle was over. The once majestic and sprawling metropolis was now in ruins and barely any buildings remained. Bodies of Pokemon and a few soldiers lined the streets. Erika was trying to treat a Youngster named Joey and his Rattata, who were caught in the battle.

Heh. Cute.


-Okay, I thought this chapter--while it had some good scenes and the battle overall was handled well--was a bit weaker than the previous ones. The jumpy, disjointed narration and the random "info dumps" (characters or narration just spilling info about a situation or character without any build-up) were my two biggest problems, and I'd love to see you work on them. Perhaps, if you are okay with it, I can give you some advice in PM on things like that. But I don't want to overstep my boundaries, so I'll leave that up to you.

-The two segments with the soldier who gets vine whipped, the tank destroying the gym, and the soldier with the Ninetales were all really exciting, intense, and well-done. Good work on those.

-Everyone seems a bit weird here. The gym leaders like Brock and Pryce and Sabrina are happy to ride into war and murder people and raze a city to the ground, but then they start moping about pokemon being used as military weapons. It's just kind of weird. There doesn't seem to be any build-up. Sabrina didn't even care that Alakazam died, but then she got sad over the Eevee's fate. And Brock was murdering hundreds of people, and then did the same thing for Sudowoodo. It just seems to come out of nowhere in both instances.

Miror B...
13th August 2012, 1:38 AM
I get that you are going for the shock effect of this line, but the way it reads makes it sound like everyone inside the gym is going about their business and disaffected by the whole "hurtling towards space" thing. I'm assuming they are, in fact, panicking, so they aren't having quite a normal day. :)

True. I may re-think that opening line.


A little overuse of the word "gym" there. I already figured Whitney was inside it, so I'd just end the sentence at "arched windows".


*recognized. With a Z. :)


Aside from that, the line about "suddenly finding [them] because they surrounded her" is a bit weird. I would clean it up to just say Whitney soon found herself surrounded by the culprits of this act.

I will edit these, thanks.


Jesus! A Mr. Mime with a knife. Alakazam has spoons, so I figure Gothitelle must have a fork somewhere. Dinner time! Kidding aside...why does Mr. Mime have a knife?! Seems like overkill given that he has psychic powers.

Aha! Mr Mime is slightly psychotic and I can see him preferring to use a knife, rather than his psychic powers.


The reveal of Tryon here was a bit too easy, and that's one of the reasons I don't love omniscient narration. It's just a bit like "Here's a guy and here's who he is!". I'd rather have it slowly revealed to me that he's with Sabrina and who he is. Just being given all that info from the narrator so easily takes me out of absorption in the story.

I understand. I don't wish to sound like I'm making excuses but I was worried about this chapter's length (I ended up cutting a few bits out). To reduce the length, I did have to resort to quite a bit of shameless info-dumping. Defintely more than usual.


Maniacal Mr. Mine is pretty intriguing!

Aha, thanks.


This is another case of just giving away a LOT of info I think the reader should have to work harder for. It reads like Whitney might as well be saying "Let me tell the reader what is going on here!" It doesn't seem like something Whitney would say because they both seem to know what is going on, so it again pulls me out of the story as a reader.

I do agree here, and is another example of shameless info dumping. I think I tried to pass it off as Whitney trying to prove her intelligence to Sabrina but I realise it still comes across as "I'm explaining the storyline."


I feel like I'm pointing out a lot more complaints than I had the first few chapters, but bear with me. This whole paragraph was weird to me. Why am I getting the attack on Whitney in the middle of the action? It seems that the beginning of the assault on her would be more interesting than a complaining Slowbro. Why am I suddenly getting insight into Mr. Mime? I really don't like omniscient narrator for these jumps around, so because they feel so jerky. I think narration works better attached to a character for a whole scene/chapter at a time. Otherwise, the reader feels inundated with info and inner feelings from several characters, and--as I pointed out--it makes the story feel less like an "experience" to me.


Whoa whoa whoa. Who is "I" all the sudden? Who is narrating this bit? If it's just the same omniscient narrator, there's no reason at all for it to refer to itself. An "I" means the narrator should be in the story.

Narration may need some sprucing up...


It's funny because as anyone who ever watched the cartoon would think, this is not the Brock I know! So it's neat to see a completely different take.

I still think Brock will be a nice, caring character in future chapters. I just like the idea that in these battles, the gym leaders have to act the brutal and brave warrior as they have a reputation to uphold and the freedom of their people depends on it.


That's a nice touch, the bit about the flag. It's like a banner or crest or coat of arms of old.

Thanks!


Okay, this was a GREAT segment. Very emotional, realistic, and violent. Just well done. UNTIL one point: There's no cavity that connects the mouth to the brain. :) So there's no way the vine entered the soldier's mouth and got to the actual brain without ripping through some part of him internally. But beside that anatomical error, this was easily the best written part of this chapter. Well done.

Thanks. It was my personal favourite part of the chapter.


A very nice take on Surge. I like that twist. And this was another well-written bit.

Thanks!


Whoa wait what? Victini?! Wow, okay. I actually have been meaning to say this for a while, but I'm really curious as to how the Kantoan trainers seem to have so many Unova pokemon. Have they all been to Unova? You said the other regions and champions will be involved evenually...is this part of that?

You're on the right lines...


It seems odd that Pryce just knows that from what little firsthand knowledge he has. It reads a bit as you using a character to explicitly say something just for the reader's benefit. You can let these things linger a bit. Let the reader wonder "Why did Blaine do that?" and let his growth develop more slowly. No need to just give it all away.

I see your point. Defintely an edit needed.


-Okay, I thought this chapter--while it had some good scenes and the battle overall was handled well--was a bit weaker than the previous ones. The jumpy, disjointed narration and the random "info dumps" (characters or narration just spilling info about a situation or character without any build-up) were my two biggest problems, and I'd love to see you work on them. Perhaps, if you are okay with it, I can give you some advice in PM on things like that. But I don't want to overstep my boundaries, so I'll leave that up to you.

No, no- I'd love some advice. I defintely agree about your points- espicially concerning the info dumps and the narration.


-The two segments with the soldier who gets vine whipped, the tank destroying the gym, and the soldier with the Ninetales were all really exciting, intense, and well-done. Good work on those.

Thank you!


-Everyone seems a bit weird here. The gym leaders like Brock and Pryce and Sabrina are happy to ride into war and murder people and raze a city to the ground, but then they start moping about pokemon being used as military weapons. It's just kind of weird. There doesn't seem to be any build-up. Sabrina didn't even care that Alakazam died, but then she got sad over the Eevee's fate. And Brock was murdering hundreds of people, and then did the same thing for Sudowoodo. It just seems to come out of nowhere in both instances.

I see your point. To be fair though, Sabrina was unconcerned about Eevee's fate, rather than sad so that stayed within her character and was meant to act as an opposite to Brock's character, who did feel guilt for thrusting Sudowoodo into a life of war. Perhaps I will expand on the characters of the gym leaders during the aftermath, to highlight how perhaps the amount of Pokemon death in the battle changed their views on using Pokemon as weapons.

Miror B...
13th August 2012, 3:23 AM
Acting upon useful advice, I've made a few edits to Chapter 03. Only minor ones however:

- The overall narration has been spruced up.
- Cut down on the info dumping- espicially in the first scene, which has been altered slightly.
- Changed the reaction of the Goldenrod citizens to the news of the flying gym.
- Included a new conversation between Brock and Erika towards the end of the chapter. It expands on their duties and pressures they face, when in times of war, gym leaders have to become great warriors to protect their region. It questions how they can feel comfortable with destroying an entire city. Also examines the theme of using Pokemon as weapons and how the battle changed Brock's views on the matter- giving it more of a build up.
- Conversation between Blaine and Pryce has been changed. Much better now (in my opinion). Less info dumping.

That's all for now. Thanks for the comments guys and give the edited bits a read if you have the time :)

SnoringFrog
13th August 2012, 9:35 AM
"I should go write that thing I want to write," I tell myself. So what do I do? I go read and review things...

This is why I get nothing done ever. -_- Anyways, enough of my useless complaints about write-blocking myself and on to the review.


This chapter was much longer than I intended it to be. Apologies for its length!Don't apologize; just make the chapter as long as it needs to be. Don't have one that drags on needlessly, and don't make one too short to accomplish what it's supposed to accomplish. If you just keep all the chapters at whatever length they need for what they do, it'll work out in the end.


A wise philosopher once said “I am sick of power This needs a comma after "said".


The Goldenrod City Gym looked relatively normal,I don't know if this was intentional, but I love the little joke to this. Goldenrod Gym, normal? Well duh, that's what Whitney uses! xD


looked as if it had been ripped forcefully from the ground, If it looks relatively normal, how does it also look like it was forcefully ripped from the ground? Or is that how the gym usually looks?

(I want to take a moment hear to note that I've already noticed myself being unusually nitpicky and a touch sarcastic tonight. So, just keep that in mind in case my comments all sound like I'm making fun of whatever errors I find; I swear it's just this odd, tired mood I'm in, mostly.)


With her dazzling blue hair and dark soulless eyesMight need to rework this (and the rest of the sentence it's in, perhaps), because this sounded like it was supposed to be about Whitney when I first read it. Also, commas should go after "dazzling" and after "dark". Finally, for what little it's worth, "dazzling blue" hair makes me picture someone more like King of Fighter's Kula (http://karindanet.deviantart.com/art/The-King-of-Fighters-kula-116388778) and less like Sabrina (https://www.google.com/search?q=pokemon+sabrina&hl=en&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ), but that might be just me and since this is a Pokemon site I'm sure most people have a good enough idea of Sabrina to know what you mean anyways.

Not sure how much anyone cares, but from what I've been told/taught, one hyphen equals "just a hyphen" and two hypens equals a "dash". I noticed a couple hyphens being used as dashes in this and figured I'd point it out. It's not something I think is a big deal at all, but if you want to be more technically correct it might be worth changing.


Alongside Sabrina was her three Pokemon"Were", not "was".


despite being in the fastest moving Pokemon gym ever recorded. This almost sounds like this gym's flight is being officially clocked and recorded for its speed. (I can just see a kid in the Pokemon world reading Guiness' Book of World Records and saying "Why the heck is there a record for 'fasting moving gym'?!" xD)


“What do you want ya Kanto scum?” spat Whitney, a strong "goldy"accent present in her voice. There should be a comma after want, and you missed a space after your quotes following "goldy".


I’ve seen into your mind WhitneyComma after "mind". This is for the same reason as the previous quote: names (or any other terms used as direct address) are supposed to be set apart with commas.


You know what we want.” said Sabrina.The period after want should be a comma. Anytime you end a quote with a period and follow it with something that is part of the same sentence, there should be a comma instead of a period. I've got a feeling this is going to pop up a few other times, so make sure to check for it as I'm not going to take the time to quote them all.


said Sabrina "Now, hand over the Pokemon.Missed a period after "Sabrina" as well as quotes at the end of the line.


"Who do you think you are pal?"More direct address stuff (with "pal"), this will be the last time I point that out as well.


The Miltank suddenly burst through the wallI guess once your gym is in the air you just lose all concern for the walls. xD The surprise attack aspect probably makes it worth it too, against teams of psychics.


a skill he utilises constantlyUtilized.


said Sabrina, calm as ever "Alakazam. Gothitelle.Again, no punctuation before the quote. As a general rule (can't think of an exception to it right now, actually), any time someone speaks mid-sentence, there should be punctuation preceding the quote (either a comma or a colon, usually a comma).


Whitney began to wither on the floor in agonyMight be worth taking a word or two to get Whitney to the ground before she starts writhing on it. Even just "Whitney collapsed to the floor, writhing in agony."


Sabrina didn’t.

As Girafarig died, so did the protection of the citizens of the city below. It was at that moment the invisible psychic barrier that surrounded the city vanished and an army hidden in the shadows began to move in. Part of me wants to say you should have given us some details here (you could have a great scene showcasing Whitney's own agony in watching her pokemon suffer (maybe Milktank's as well)), but it might actually be better (or worse, depending on how you see it) that you made us imagine it ourselves.


became even more stranger and terrifying. "stranger and more terrifying"


It began like most wars do- with an idiot shouting loudly Is that how wars usually start? Seems like an odd generalization to me.


The idiot in question was a Clerk named Doug Why is Clerk capitalized? Also, this whole paragraph just feels...off, for some reason. It seems to have a comical tone, which doesn't feel right with the surrounding content/tone.


his last thoughts wasn’t of his "thoughts weren't" or "thought wasn't"


Chaos and panic spread throughout the city, as the Onix began ripping its way through cars, buildings and people. That comma after "city" is not needed.


he felt it wrap itself around his brain and watched horrified as his brain was wrenched through his bleeding nose. 1. Is there a direct route from your mouth to your brain that this vine could take? If not, then that means it punched a hole somewhere, which I'm sure this guy would feel.

2. So the vine wrapped itself around his brain, and then pushed his brain out through his nose, then presumably goes back into the nose and retraces it's path through him until exiting back out his mouth? Seems like it would have made more sense to just rip the brain out through the mouth (more room that way as well, otherwise this vine is either really thin or is widening his nasal cavity as it goes along). Also, in the lines after this you say it throws the brain on the floor. If it just got the brain out of his nose, I'm sure it had to be mush. You should definitely look into pulling it out of his mouth if you insist on having it go for the brain instead of choking him to death, puncturing his lungs and leaving him to suffer, or puncturing part of his stomach/intestines and letting stomach acid do it's slow work rotting his insides (Which might give the guy a chance to try to fight back through the intense pain, for a little bit at least. I'm not sure how much quicker it would go with a ruptured stomach, but someone I know lost their son when he ruptured his duodenum (part of your intestines) in a fall. He was very sick for the night after it happened, and died the next morning/afternoon, so that at least is not a particularly quick process).


Goldenrod Gym, which was still suspended in the sky. Wait, is this gym "roaring its way towards the upper atmosphere" or just suspended above the city? And do you have any idea exactly how strong this venusaur has to be to throw a tank miles into the sky (since you said the gym was several miles up)? I'm pretty sure Kanto shouldn't need too many other weapons, it can just have this venusaur vine whip each city a few times and that should wipe out just about everything. I don't know if you were around to read Scrap/Kiyohime's story Aeon, but I think Erica's venusaur's strength here could rival that of the sin-infested venusaur Yggdrassil in that story. Yggdrassil, if I recall correctly, was something over a hundred feet tall because of the way the sin virus affected her. So yeah, you might want to tone this venusaur down a bit.


which sent the burning building spiralling downwards towards the ground. You mean Sabrina and her psychic troops can get the building suspended in mid air but can't hold it through one explosion? And you're telling me that Erica just let her venusar endanger her own allies this way? I'm not sure why Kanto/Johto are having a war right now, they need to be united against this raging, godlike venusaur that has no regard for alliances. It's going to destroy the whole freaking planet at this rate.


A Hoppip floated calmly overhead, dropping bombs onto soldiers as it drifted calmly in the breeze. Raleigh realised it was Erika’s Hoppip and therefore, was not a threat. Let's just hope Erika's Hoppip isn't carrying bombs with much of a blast radius at all and also that it's paying attention to which soldiers are below it, since I'd imagine they're all intermingled in the fight at this point. This is just adding up points to Erika's "I don't seem to care if I injure/kill my allies" score.


unbearable pain for the rest of your agonising and painful life. Unbearable pain is painful? You don't say...lol. This quote's a bit redundant.


“Why does it matter?” moaned Slowbro “We’re still going to die.”Pretty quick reply there; guess he's not always entirely slow.


He saw the sparks of fear and dread within his mind and concluded the soldier had too much compassion to shoot another man.Man, Johto needs better soldiers. That's the 2nd time we've seen one that basically can't do his job at all.


Next to Blaine was his other two Pokemon"were"


melted away into a grimey puddle on the floor Generally, floors are inside and the ground is outside. Might want to change this to reflect the proper location.


all was left was a charred skeletonJust read this, you'll see the error.


“Well, that was pleasant.” said Slowbro.Again, quick on the reactions, it seems. Then again, this slowbro did learn to talk, so I guess it's not a huge stretch that he's not as mentally slow as I'd anticipate. Maybe it was just the joke/insult before that threw him off and took longer to process.


floated away on the latter’s Drifblim. Of all the flying pokemon Falkner has, he chose a drifblim to escape? Seems like just about anything else large enough to hold him would be faster, and we already know his pidgeot can take care of him and Bugsy (it got them to Blue's mansion), or it can at least take care of Falkner and Bugsy now has herracross wings.


Before they could however, Blaine’s Arcanine leapt ferociously at Mamoswine and the two colossal Pokemon aggressively began to wrestle each other. Both gym leaders watched as their Pokemon fought for the honors and beliefs of their masters. And neither gym leader seemed to care that they were riding on these pokemon's backs when this happened. It seems like the wrestling would dismount them both.


The gym leader stormed away on the back of the battle scared Mamoswine. Watching the scene from the top of a burning skyscraper was Sabrina, who had teleported there from the crashing gym. I think the first sentence in this quote should go with the previous paragraph, and the second sentence should be the beginning of this paragraph.


Sabrina fell under the spell of Gengar’s hypnosis attack and collapsed. Morty and his Gengar teleported away, just before the skyscraper began to plummet towards the ground.Wow, nice work Mr. Mime and 4th- or 5th-gen pokemon whose name I can't remember how to spell. Just stand around and don't react to this at all.


“That doesn’t mean I can’t treat you.” smiled Erika kindly.Says the crazy woman who recklessly endangers her own allies and rides atop a ruthless god. I'm calling her a traitor. (I liked seeing Joey in here though lol)


Erika was given permission to use her Vileplume to heal Joey and RattataWhat can vileplume do to heal someone, exactly?


"To protect our homeland, our people, our family." smiled Brock, thinking of his family back home "I feel the guilt too. Everyone does. Well, except maybe Sabrina. But we've got a reputation to uphold as brave and courageous warriors. In times like this, we've got to become more than just the average soldier. We've got to become destructive forces of nature, the stuff of legends, heartless Gods that can flatten a city with a single command. We sacrifice our morals to do this but the reward of freedom and safety for the ones we love is worth it, right?"

"You're right Brock. Of course." smiled Erika "I'm sorry about Geodude by the way. That's another thing I hate about these wars. The Pokemon are innocent, yet they're the ones who suffer the most. They become nothing more than glorified weapons...but I guess, we need to use them in this way...we have no choice."I'm sorry, but this seemed like a horribly unconvincing speech. Brock seems to have very little remorse about just abandoning his morals to uphold a reputation. Especially with how brutally he described their roles. Then, to follow that up, Erika basicall just goes "Oh, ok, so we're heartless gods without morals. That makes me feel so much better! :D" If you're going to make Erika feel this way, it needs to be much more pervasive. She should probably be harder to convince than this, and she should deal with this guilt a lot. Also, I have a feeling she wouldn't be having venusaur ripping people's brains out if she's this concerned. She would probably go for something much quicker instead of the torture we've seen from her. At this point, Erika just seems bipolar and mostly crazy (even aside from the godlike venusaur and apparent disregard for her allies' safety).


Brock had not cared what the war had turned him into- he would become a heartless monster if it meant the safety of his family- but he had not considered what the war turned his Pokemon into.I'm not sure I feel like this is an accurate representation of Brock, but I'm fine with disagreeing with that. I have a different issue with this. If Brock is so unconcerned about what he turns into for war, I feel like he should seem much harder/emotionless overall. He probably shouldn't be taken to the same level of emotionlessness as Sabrina, but this quote makes his smiling amid explaining becoming ferocious gods seem very twisted and sadistic. Either Brock needs some work, or he's an extremely twisted individual with a love for watching people suffer (which doesn't seem to match up with how he feels about turning pokemon into weapons at the end of this section).


Brock soon noticed a Sudowoodo, standing calmly among the rubble. I think even a sudowoodo would flee after a battle like this, why is it just standing around? Perhaps if it belonged to someone, then it would be in the town and might be trying to blend in like they usually do, too scared to attempt to flee. Otherwise, I'm not sure why Brock could catch an already owned pokemon (I'm not sure how you'd want to approach that topic, and I'm not sure how I'd approach it myself, actually).


Sabrina awoke among the rubble I just realized that no one seemed concerned she was missing in that previous discussion. Seems a bit odd not to wonder about the fate of the other gym leaders on your side after this massive battle.


He was last seen on a boat heading towards Castelia City in Unova.Honestly, what kind of a boat owner would let a thing like Bugsy onboard, unless they were good friends of Falkner's or had been forcibly convinced? I get the feeling there aren't very many who would. Most people would freak out seeing something like that.


the Pokemon was an Eevee and a damn powerful one too.Not something I ever expected to hear of an eevee, but I guess it could happen.

If I had to pick, my biggest issues with this are easily Erika (virtually everything that involves her in this chapter) and Brock. They both seem highly inconsistent with themselves. Erika appears first in the chapter as a brutal, heartless warrior whose pokemon are doing massive damage. They're not making quick kills either, they're forcing people to suffer and doing cruel, unusual things to them, as well as risking the safety of her own allies. Then, she's suddenly the one who regrets war the most and has the most doubts about it. But then in just a moment or two she's suddenly cool with it all. Very weird, very inconsistent, and honestly, very bad.

Brock is either supposed to seem very twisted or he also needs tons of work being consistent. His initial opinion of not minding becoming a tool of war is consistent with his brutal onslaughts during the battle. However, it doesn't fit well with that smile about his family; as much as he might love them, when you're about to launch into a speech about abandoning all morals for the sake of war you're probably in a pretty grim/dark state of mind and not thinking happily about your family. Also, I can understand him questioning this stance when faced with Erika's perspective, but the change in his own perspective shouldn't be so complete and sudden. It should be a bit more understated. Have him consider her points and see the value in them, but ultimately realize that he has to do what he has to do, and probably try to push those thoughts out of his head. Then, as the story progresses, this idea of making pokemon into weapons can continue to haunt him at various times.

Miror B...
14th August 2012, 2:24 PM
Right SnoringFrog, I've read your comments/advice and because I can't be bothered going through the entire post and posting my thoughts for each point, I'll just summarize in a few thoughts:

- Firstly, thanks for taking the time out to review!

- Thanks for pointing out the grammar issues. Not only have I learnt something (such as the use of hyphens and dashes- which is minor but I still had no idea about), I have now gone through the chapter correcting the mistakes.

- Slight improvements and edits have also been made based on your views. Stuff like the brain leaving the mouth, Mr Mime and Gothitelle actually doing something while their trainer is attacked, someone looking for Sabrina etc.

- I must say your comments about Erika's God like and all powerful Venasaur made me laugh.

- Work has been done on both Brock's and Erika's characterisation, which I'll go into more detail. Brock has been made more consistent- he's a harder, almost emotionless character throughout now. He has this "heart of stone" to protect himself from his own guilt of destroying a city and murdering people- which are examples of the horrible acts a gym leader must do in times of war to create fear within their enemies and protect their people. Brock no longer cries for his Pokemon or smiles for his family- he's more hard-faced now so it keeps consistent with his character. Erika is completely different however. I agree with your views on Erika- she's almost bipolar. But it was in fact intentional, to show her brutally killing people (what you must bear in mind though, it was Venasaur who ripped the brain out- not Erika. She probably just told it to use Vine Whip to pick out soldiers so Erika isn't that sadistic) and then later on, treating a young boy (which is her way of dealing with the guilt- unlike Brock who has almost shut of emotion to deal with it). Now shown more clearly in the conversation between the two, the drastic change of character of Erika is explained by the fact gym leaders must become different people entirely in the battle field- a person without morals in order to save their region and people. I think some of the basis for this was the pilot who dropped the atomic bomb on Japan. There's one side of him where he's probably a nice bloke with friends, family etc and then there's the other side, where he blew up a city and killed thousands of people. That's what I based this whole scenario on and hopefully, the conversation between Brock and Erika now reflects this more.

- Staying on the topic of Brock's and Erika's conversation, it has changed dramatically thanks to your comments. Erika isn't convinced so easily about the morals of their actions now and Brock isn't convinced entirely about the ethics of using Pokemon in battle- he doesn't feel guilt for Geodude's death and he catches Sudowoodo without concern for its future as a weapon. He only feels "a tiny twinge of guilt" but doesn't reflect on it.

So in short, your comments have been of massive help. Thank you :)

SnoringFrog
15th August 2012, 6:55 AM
I usually try not to post multiple times between chapters in fics, but I thought it was worth doing because of the sizable changes in this case.

I skimmed back through the chapter to check out the edits, and the new Brock/Erica conversation is great. Using the "heart of stone" metaphor for Brock was a good choice, and you did a good job not making it sound corny. Brock seems much harder overall (but not entirely blocked off, though he does try to be), and Erica feels much more realistic in her views on things. I also liked Brock mentioning how Erica's actions will become "myth and legend" considering I already thought she seemed pretty godlike :P

Also noticed these two things:

Whitney collapsed violently and began to wither on the floor in agony
Not sure if I just didn't catch it before or if you inadvertently changed it when you edited this line, but I'm pretty sure you meant "writhe" instead of "wither".

Suddenly without warning, a shadow leapt from the body of Alakazam. A startled Sabrina found herself staring at the sudden appearance of a Gengar and it’s trainer-
Even though I've heard it several times before, and I'm pretty sure I've said it plenty, "suddenly without warning" is a bit redundant, isn't it? I feel like only one of those terms is needed. Also, you reused "sudden" pretty close to itself here, which can also feel redundant. I think you could just drop "the sudden appearance of" entirely.

Miror B...
15th August 2012, 3:16 PM
I usually try not to post multiple times between chapters in fics, but I thought it was worth doing because of the sizable changes in this case.

I skimmed back through the chapter to check out the edits, and the new Brock/Erica conversation is great. Using the "heart of stone" metaphor for Brock was a good choice, and you did a good job not making it sound corny. Brock seems much harder overall (but not entirely blocked off, though he does try to be), and Erica feels much more realistic in her views on things. I also liked Brock mentioning how Erica's actions will become "myth and legend" considering I already thought she seemed pretty godlike :P

Hurrah! I agree with you, your comments made a huge difference in that aspect so thanks for that!


Also noticed these two things:

Not sure if I just didn't catch it before or if you inadvertently changed it when you edited this line, but I'm pretty sure you meant "writhe" instead of "wither".

Even though I've heard it several times before, and I'm pretty sure I've said it plenty, "suddenly without warning" is a bit redundant, isn't it? I feel like only one of those terms is needed. Also, you reused "sudden" pretty close to itself here, which can also feel redundant. I think you could just drop "the sudden appearance of" entirely.

Will edit these now, thanks.

Rotomknight
15th August 2012, 3:49 PM
Sorry I'm late.
Does this mean all champions will eventually join the war.
So far my favorite characters are Bugsy and Falkner.
Will we ever see the hybrid bomb again.
Although I prefer less gore, I read over this without imagining to minimize gore.
Ar the guys in the comic strip the ones we'll be focusing on. (Plus Steven)

Miror B...
15th August 2012, 6:16 PM
Sorry I'm late.
Does this mean all champions will eventually join the war.

Yes, eventually- all the champions will, one by one, become involved with the war...


So far my favorite characters are Bugsy and Falkner.

Good news for then- I can reveal the next chapter will focus on Bugsy and Falkner and their adventures on the run from Johto and now Kanto. Hopefully, I'll go into more depth about their friendship and the turmoil Bugsy has gone through since his transformation.


Will we ever see the hybrid bomb again.

Perhaps...


Although I prefer less gore, I read over this without imagining to minimize gore.

Aha, this is a war fic so gore will be a recurring feature- particularly in the battle scenes. I will not let this story descend into pure action/gore however- I want slower paced character moments to balance out the action.


Ar the guys in the comic strip the ones we'll be focusing on. (Plus Steven)

Yes, but we'll also be focusing on other characters.

Thanks for your comments :)

ChloboShoka
17th August 2012, 4:24 PM
Heya, I thought the new chapter was really good. I loved the emotion and intense action in it. It made the imagery of the scenes a lot more powerful. I think one of the things that stood out for me was when Joey was hesitant of Erika because she was from Kanto and he was from Johto.

Miror B...
18th August 2012, 3:05 PM
Heya, I thought the new chapter was really good. I loved the emotion and intense action in it. It made the imagery of the scenes a lot more powerful. I think one of the things that stood out for me was when Joey was hesitant of Erika because she was from Kanto and he was from Johto.

Thanks C.Gholy :)

Name Namae
22nd August 2012, 11:04 AM
This is interesting. Will May be appearing?

Miror B...
22nd August 2012, 10:08 PM
This is interesting. Will May be appearing?

She may have a small role in the future when Hoenn inevitably get involved with the war but she won't be a major, main character or anything like that. :)

master of murkrow
23rd August 2012, 5:47 AM
I really love this fanfic, can I be on the PM list?

Miror B...
23rd August 2012, 2:01 PM
I really love this fanfic, can I be on the PM list?

Thanks! I will add you now. :)

Miror B...
8th September 2012, 7:07 PM
Hey guys. I just thought I'd post some hints and news for the upcoming Chapter 4:

- It will be posted soon- in the next couple of weeks for definite.

- The title of the Chapter is Falkner. Obviously, it focuses on Falkner and also Bugsy, both of whom are on the run from Johto and now Kanto. The psychical and mental effects of Bugsy's transformation will also be explored.

- They'll be time travel...of sorts.

- As with the previous chapter, they'll be huge, action packed battles. However, they'll also be smaller character moments- something I felt the last chapter was missing slightly.

- A new region becomes involved with the War of Champions.

- The one and only Mr. Briney will be a big character within the chapter- as well as other new characters (and a few returning ones too).

- It's personally my favourite chapter to date. And also the longest.

- And lastly, a few random bite-size hints: Legendary Pokemon. The Scarecrow. The Seven Samurai. Edward Oak.

Again, the fourth chapter will be up soon hopefully! :)

jeffdavid102
8th September 2012, 11:17 PM
Can you add me to the PM list? I'm guessing Stephen is the one getting involved with the war. Because of Mr. Briney

Miror B...
9th September 2012, 12:59 AM
Can you add me to the PM list? I'm guessing Stephen is the one getting involved with the war. Because of Mr. Briney

Of course, I will add you now. :)

Miror B...
2nd October 2012, 7:30 PM
Just a quick update to inform you of when the next Chapter will be up. Chapter 4 will be up this weekend at the latest- but probably some point this week. The reason why its so late is because:

1) Its been through a number of re-writes.
2) I've been busy with college work.

Anyhoo, the Chapter should be up for this week. Thanks for reading. :)