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DMerle
12th July 2012, 6:05 PM
Another go at a fan-fic. I've promised myself I'll see this one through to the end after giving up on a two or three recent ones. Any feedback is greatly appreciated, your comments form and shape what happens here. Even the slightest help or advice is noted, and I welcome all criticism.

(The name is recycled from my old story.)

PM LIST:




****


Prologue:



"Joel come on, we're going to be late!" exclaimed Sophie impatiently.

"We've got fifteen minutes before we're supposed to be there," Joel said with a grin. "Besides, I can't decide - should it be the red or the blue?" He asked.

Sophie rolled her eyes, "I swear Joel, you take longer to get ready than I do."

"Hey, this is a big day!" Joel replied with a laugh. "I just want to look good."

"The blue was fine!" Sophie shrieked, trying hard to hide the amusement in her voice. "Now can we please just go?"

"Yes ma'am," replied Joel, pulling the t-shirt over his head. "You know, I think you're right about this," he said, smoothing it down, as he regarded his reflection in the mirror. " It really brings out my eyes."

"Yes, you look beautiful," she replied, feigning a pout.

"You'll break my heart." Joel grinned.

"I'll break more than that if you don't move in the next thirty seconds," she said, grabbing his arm.

"Coming dear," replied Joel as he ran a hand through his sun-streaked brown hair one final time before allowing her to lead him from his bedroom.


****


The two hurried excitedly down the stairs reaching the front door, Joel had begun to twist the handle when a shout interupted him.

"Joel!"

"Oh yeah," Joel groaned to Sophie. "I forgot to tell Dad I was going."

Sophie rolled her eyes in mock disgust as they turned back around, heading down the passage, and into the living room.

Joel's dad was perched on the end of a black leather recliner, his brows furrowed over the latest issue of Pokémon News Press. Hearing the two enter the room he looked up from the newspaper. "You were just going to go without telling me?" he asked.

"Sorry Dad," replied Joel. "I kind of forgot with all the excitement."

A giant beam spread across his dad's face, a mirror of Joel's smile. "And yet he still spends an hour getting ready." he observed good-naturedly. "But don't worry," he added. "I remember the excitement of setting out on my journey, back then a trainer got his first Pokémon when he was 10."

"It's hard to imagine a 10 year old handling a Pokémon." Joel commented.

His dad laughed once again, seeing his son's face turn a little darker, "And it's hard for me to think of a 13 year old as ready for that, you get more cynical with age," he explained. After the laughter had disolved, he shuffled nervously on his seat. "Joel, I know I should of said it before really, but it's imporant that you know this. I'm your father and I couldn't be more proud of you, I th-"

"-Dad no!" Joel interupted him with a cry. "Please, save speeches like that for when one of us is dying."

"Joel!" Sophie rebuked him, but his father just smiled.

"Anyway, I don't want to be the reason you two are late," he said. "You better get going."

"OK Dad," said Joel. "Besides, I'm just getting a Pokémon, I'm not setting off until tomorrow morning."

"I know, and anyway, I'm sure your mother will have a better parting speech than mine ready," said his Dad, both him and Sophie bursting into laughter. Joel gave a grunt of disgust, and left the room.


****


Joel and Sophie stood outside the lab a short walk later, both were stood feeling the same mix of nervousness and excitement. Joel regarded his friend with a smile, she twirled her blonde hair between her fingers anxiously. Her pale blue eyes wide in apprehension, he gave her a reassuring smile and gripped her arm before rapping his knuckles against the hard wooden door. Almost instantly there was the sound of movement behind it, and it seemed like only a few seconds before it swung open, inviting them to enter.

Shadow Lucario
13th July 2012, 12:22 PM
Same title, different story. Here we go.


"Joel come on, we're going to be late!" Exclaimed Sophie impatiently.

What's wrong in this sentence is the capitalized exclaimed. Since that is explaining how she said it, there is no need to capitalize it.


"We've got fifteen minutes before we're supposed to be there," Joel supplied with a grin. "Besides, I can't decide - should it be the red or the blue?" He asked.

Here, the word supplied doesn't fit. Supplied doesn't explain how it is being said so you can just say, "Joel said with a grin." Also, he asked can be taken out. Since it's in the same line as his other speech we know it's him talking and the question mark points out that he's asking it.


"Hey, this is a big day!" Laughed Joel.

Same as the first thing listed.


"The blue was fine!" Shrieked Sophie. trying hard to hide the amusement in her voice.

Same as above and the period needs to be a comma.


"You know, I think you're right about this," he said, smoothing it down, as he regarded his reflection in the mirror. " It really brings out my eyes."

The only thing wrong with this line is that you don't need to write "he said" again. We know it's him.


"Yes, you look beautiful." She replied, feigning a pout.

Needs the period after beautiful to be replaced with a comma and she doesn't need to be capitalized.


"You'll break my heart," Joel grinned.

Comma to period.


"I'll break more than that if you don't move in the next thirty seconds." She said, grabbing his arm.

Change period to comma, lowercase S.


"Coming dear," replied Joel, he ran a hand through his sun-streaked brown hair one final time before allowing her to lead him from his bedroom.

Comma to the word as.


Bianca rolled her eyes in mock disgust as they turned back around, heading down the passage, and into the living room.

I thought her name was Sophie.


the latest issue of [I]Pokémon News Press[I/]

The back slash is on the wrong side of the I.


"You were just going to go without telling me?" He asked.

He is not supposed to be capitalized.


"Sorry dad,"

Since Dad is used as a proper noun it is supposed to be capitalized.


"And yet he still spends an hour getting ready." He observed good-naturedly. "But don't worry," He added.

He is lowercase in both situations.


"It's hard to imagine a 10 year old handling a Pokémon." Joel commented.

Period to comma.


"And it's hard for me to think of a 13 year old as ready for that, you get more cynical with age." He explained.

Period to comma. Lowercase he.


"Joel!" Sophie rebuked him

So it is Sophie.


Joel and Bianca stood outside the lab a short walk later

No. No it's not.

Anyways, this was riddled with most of the same mistakes. I stopped pointing them out when I got towards the end. You'll be able to find them if you listen to what I said. There wasn't much going on. You could have extended this chapter into when they got a Pokemon because it wasn't long at all. There was some description, but very little. No description of the house, the dad, or Sophie/Bianca. What town are they in? Region? What side of the world even? All these questions could have been answered in the first chapter, especially since there wasn't much here.

DMerle
13th July 2012, 3:39 PM
@Shadow Lucario

Thanks a lot for the corrections I really do appreciate that, I'd like to clear up the issue with the names, I originally wrote it as Bianca just as a default name before I could think of a better one. It was sloppy to leave two of them unchanged and I do apologize for that I should of been more careful. As for the description I understand there's a lack of it in this chapter, but that's why I put this as a prologue. I wanted to start it off more dialogue-based as the last two opening chapters I wrote didn't have much in terms of character likability. As for the same name, this is more a reboot than anything at this stage, I didn't like the way my other one was progressing, i know you mentioned it being an "academy fic" and I believe that was the problem. It was never meant to be one, I wanted to start it off there but at the time it was taking it would probably be chapter 7 before they even departed for there journey. Anyway once again thanks for reading and taking the time to point out the mistakes.

Also on a more general note, there is a reference there that will supply which region this is based in, (so PM me or leave a comment if you get it.) and I'm also creating a PM list so if anyone wants to be on there feel free to leave a comment or drop me a message.

DMerle
17th July 2012, 11:56 PM
The door swung open, a kind-looking woman with intelligent green eyes and a warm-smile greeted them both, her long white coat indicating she must work at the laboratory. She lead them inside with a bow, snapping the door shut behind them. They looked around in fascination, the complex and intricate looking lab seemed completely out of place in the quaint and homely Sandgem town. As if the two had stepped through the doorway and found themselves in a vast forest, or a desert resort. Bookcases, shelves and glass cabinets were scattered across the room, their contents precisely and methodically organized. The room was also furnished with several complex-looking machines, as to which neither Joel nor Sophie could guess the purpose.

"I take it you're here for your starter Pokémon?" the woman asked, snapping the two from there examination of the room.

"Yeah we have an appointment with Professor Rowan." Joel replied, blushing slightly.

"Joel and Sophie, I presume?" came a gruff, booming voice from the back of the lab. The two started a little at the sudden question. Turning around to see a tall, bulky and slightly intimidating looking man. He had entered through an adjoining room at the back, which neither of them had noticed. He wore similar clothes to the woman, although his coat was brown, and frayed slightly at the edges.

"Yeah," confirmed Joel. "We're here for our first Pokémon."

The Professor grunted a response which seemed to indicate agreement, bending down he picked up a brown ragged looking suitcase which seemed to match his lab-coat. He slammed it onto a nearby desk with a loud thud, making the table jump slightly with the impact. The professor then dismissed the woman with a nod of his head, and gestured that Sophie and Joel should come closer with a wave of his arm.

"Are you Professor Rowan?" asked Joel as they reached the desk.

"Mhm" he responded, unclipping the brass hinges that secured it shut, he swung it open to reveal four Pokéballs inside.

"How come there's an extra one?" Joel blurted out in surprise.

"You've a sharp eye lad," the professor observed. "Occasionally me or my assistants find, or are given a Pokémon egg. After we've taken care of it and it's hatched we often keep it for new trainers, they tend to be a lot easier to care for when there newly-hatched." He suddenly burst into laughter, a loud friendly booming sound which put the two a little more at ease. "Although this one’s a contradiction to that rule, I've seldom seen Pokémon with this much spirit so young.”

“Can we see them?” asked Sophie a little anxiously.

“Of course,” the professor responded. He swept the Pokéball at the end to one side, taking the other three and releasing the Pokémon from inside them one by one. “Chimchar,” “Turtwig,” “and Piplup.” he said, taking a step back he allowed the two to examine them.

“Wow!” exclaimed Sophie excitedly, all nervousness driven away at the sight of the three Pokémon. “Aren’t they cute Joel?”

“Yeah I guess,” Joel replied, carefully studying the Pokemon. The Turtwig looked to be calmest of the three, it was sat attentively, unfazed by either the people or other Pokémon. The chimchar on the other hand seemed to be as nervous and restless as the two trainers, unable to keep in one place longer for a few seconds. Joel found himself impressed at the promised energy and speed it displayed, as it desperately vied for their attention. The final Pokémon, Piplup seemed completely uninterested in either of the other two Pokémon. It had an arrogant glimmer in its eye which seemed to indicate that it felt itself the superior of them, it seemed to try and catch Joel and Sophie's gaze, but obviously didn't hold them in the open appraisal that the Chimchar did.

"Well?" the Professor prompted them.

"Chimchar!" announced Sophie excitedly. "Ever since I was a little girl I knew Chimchar was the one for me!"

"You'll suit each other well," the Professor stated, returning the ecstatic Chimchar to its ball. "Joel?" he asked simply, raising his thick brows.

"Could I see the fourth Pokémon?" Joel asked.

Professor Rowan smiled knowingly, as if he'd expected this request this all along. "Of course, although I must warn you it is a little more spirited than the other three." He picked up the fourth Pokéball which lay to one side of the table. Hitting the catch on it he released the Pokémon in a burst of red light which quickly took form. "Elekid" he simply stated.

Joel regarded the Elekid with fascination; it was of similar size to the other three. Primarily a dark yellow in color, black stripes ran across its arms, and middle eventually ending with a thick black lightning bolt symbol on its stomach. It had a glint of confidence, mischievousness, and a hint of arrogance behind its narrow eyes, eyes that seemed to express more in there gaze than Joel could of put in a string of sentences. He found himself unable explain his reaction upon seeing it; he suddenly knew without doubt that this was the Pokémon he was going to choose. Ever since he was 5 years old he had dreamed about choosing his first Pokémon, spent hours laid in bed weighing the benefits and drawbacks of each one. Deciding on a Pokémon, only days later to change his mind and decide upon another. He smiled to himself in wonder, all those years sat trying to figure out which Pokémon to choose, and now I've decided on a fourth option in a matter of seconds. He met the Elekid's gaze, getting the feeling it was making as much of a decision as he had. "I'll take Elekid," he said clearly. As a look of amusement flickered across the Pokémon's face.

Professor Rowan nodded with a smile, he seemed as pleased with the choice as Joel was. Returning the Elekid back into its Pokéball he handed it to him. “I know you won’t regret your choice.” He offered. He studied Joel’s face for a fraction and turned around, opening a drawer to bring out two Pokédex’s, and twelve Pokéballs. He split them up equally, handing them to each of the new trainers and explaining their purpose, finishing with. “If there’s anything either of you need, you can easily contact me from any Pokémon center you happen to come across.”

“Thanks Professor,” said Sophie with a friendly smile looking over to see Joel simply nodding at the Professor. She reached out and grabbed his arm, leading him out the door. “You look like you just got hit by a stun spore,” she said with a giggle. “How about we go play with these little guys?” she asked.

“Yeah OK,” Joel responded, still looking a little bewildered. He watched as Sophie turned away bursting into a run towards Route 201, he shook off the mixture of emotions he was feeling, excitement taking the forefront. I’ve got a Pokemon! he thought with a sudden rush of exhilaration. He repressed a laugh of sheer joy, turning and bursting into a sprint after Sophie.