PDA

View Full Version : The Unava Pokedex My way



EmBORING!
13th July 2012, 6:38 PM
Hello people who just so happen to be reading this! This is a One-Shot kind of thing where you can make requests, comment and critasize, and tell me things I could do better. So now time for the first One-Shot I made: Eelektross and Scrafty
In the year 2012, in New York City, there was a power plant. Now, this wasn’t just any power plant. It was the one that powered everything in New York City. Street lights, TV’s, computers, you name it. But the thing that powered the power plant is a group of about 150 Eelektross. They zapped wires all over the power plant. Every two seconds an Eelektross started zapping a wire for about 50 minutes or so.

But on Friday, July 13, 2012, they heard a thing open up the door. It was a group of Scrafty. Scrafty and Eelektross were rivals ever since they first appeared on the planet. The Scrafty were always destroying whatever the Eelektross built. Now it was time for the Eelektross to say goodbye to the power plant. The boss of the Eelektross noticed a Scrafty and screamed, “SCRAFTY!” They all hid as the Scrafty ran into the lounge. Nothing was there (mostly because the Eelektross never actually knew there was a lounge) except a desk. Then they went into the main room.

The leader of the Scrafty noticed an electric jolt about the size of a fly and said to the other troops, “The Eelektross are hiding behind THAT WALL!” Immediately, all the Scrafty attacked. In about forty seconds all the Eelektross were knocked out. The two-hundred and ninety Scrafty all danced a bit then used Skull Bash on all of the walls. Immediately, everything went tumbling down. The Eelektross were not damaged and but the Scrafty were a little hurt. When the Eelektross finally woke up, they went to the Pokémon Center to heal up. They were fine after that but wanted revenge. They went over to where the Scrafty lived and opened the door. “Hello Scrafty. We Eelektross are here for a battle. Me vs. the Leader of the Scrafty. If we win you must rebuild the power plant. If you win we will be your slaves forever.” “Sure.” Said the leader of the Scrafty. They went outside on the road to battle. One of the Eelektross was the referee. “Begin!” Shouted the Eelektross. The Scrafty leader used a powerful Skull Bash. The Eelektross leader dodged and used Thunder. Scrafty got hit hard. Then Eelektross used Thunderbolt. Scrafty fell to the floor knocked out. The Scrafty leader healed up and started rebuilding the power plant. After about 2 months they were finished. The darn thing looked beautiful. Coffee machines at every staition. TV’s in the rooms. Fluffy sofas. Computers in each and every bedroom. One Eelektross almost cried. For one time Scrafty and Eelektross got along with each other. The Scrafty even offered to work with them! The Srafty chopped wires that were no good. The Eelektross zapped the wires. And on Earth Day, they had dinner together. They had hamburgers, fries, beer, wine and iced tea. The Eelektross had finnaly regained trust with the Scrafty. It felt good. The leader of the Eelektross hugged the leader of the Scrafty and said: “Thank You.”

EonDragonFTW
13th July 2012, 7:54 PM
The two-hundred and ninety Scrafty all danced a bit then used Skull Bash on all of the walls.
Head Smash, not Skull Bash
Other than that, it was pretty good. I liked how you made it in NYC. Could've been longer, more exciting and the Scrafty rivalry was introduced too quickly

EmBORING!
14th July 2012, 12:21 PM
Thanks for telling me. Man,Scrafty with Skull Bash? Really? Man, now I'm just confused. And your right I made the Scrafty rivalry come in too early.

EonDragonFTW
14th July 2012, 6:10 PM
But still, it was good, and I look foward to your next one

Miror B...
14th July 2012, 7:12 PM
I enjoyed this, however I have some advice:


“Sure.” Said the leader of the Scrafty.


They went outside on the road to battle.


“Begin!” Shouted the Eelektross.


Scrafty got hit hard. Then Eelektross used Thunderbolt. Scrafty fell to the floor knocked out.


The Scrafty leader healed up and started rebuilding the power plant. After about 2 months they were finished. The darn thing looked beautiful. Coffee machines at every staition. TV’s in the rooms. Fluffy sofas.


The Eelektross zapped the wires. And on Earth Day, they had dinner together. They had hamburgers, fries, beer, wine and iced tea. The Eelektross had finnaly regained trust with the Scrafty. It felt good

Looking at this section of your chapter, nearly all of your sentences are roughly only 4/5 words long or bland in terms of sentence structure. If you don't vary the sentence structure and length then it makes the story dull to read for the person reading it- espicially if it's meant to be an action scene. Try and make your story flow better by using more varied sentences and connectives. However, I think you have a nice idea and it has potential. If you make your chapters longer and more interesting using varied sentence structure, then this could become pretty good. :)