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PMDstories
15th July 2012, 12:37 AM
For my first Fanfiction I decides to do a story about the paralysed future...
and I used some of my favourite pokemon to!
I do not own pokemon just so you know

Chapter 1
On the run

Kyle's POV

The future of the pokemon world was a terrible place to live in...Dialga sent his right hand man Dusknoir to enslave every pokemon he could find and turn them into slaves of the evil empire. Many pokemon were on the run,trying to escape from Dusknoir's clutches...but sooner or later they would be captured and imprisoned...now there we're only 3 pokemon left...me, Kyle the Aipom and my 2 friends...Dawn the Piplup and Almia the Shinx.

We all hated our dreadful world. We all hated Dusknoir. We hated EVERYTHING about the future...It was mostly Almia who suffered the most hate though...why? Because Dusknoir...killed his parents! The heartless ghost pushed Almia's parents of a cliff while paralysed from a painful thunder punch to the face...as for his little sister, she was captured and was now a prisoner of Dialga. Almia missed his family so much that he wanted to kill Dusknoir. I felt sad for him all the time.

Almia's POV
"Are we there yet?!" I moaned at Kyle who was staring up at the pitch black sky,he stopped walking and pulled out his wonder map "If we keep on walking we'll be there in a couple of minutes" he replied. I heard Dawn sigh behind me, she wasn't the type of person made to run for her entire life...none of us were. "It'll be ok Dawn" I said to her "we'll soon be able to rest so don't worry!" She raised her head up and smiled which made both me and Kyle smile. After even more walking we finally made it to Dusk Forest! We all fell to our feet and sighed in relief,we could get the rest we deserved!


Dawn's POV
The first thing I did when I sat down on the dull grass was let out a huge yawn...I had been awake for almost 30 hours with hardly any sleep at all! I then looked around the area before checking on my friends "Are you guys ok?" Kyle turned to face me, "Yeah we're fine...just...a little bit tired..." Almia got up onto his feet and began to walk into the darkness, I quickly got up and followed him. "Where are you going?" I shouted to him, "I'm going to get some wood to make a fire...we'll need some warmth if we're going to camp out here!" after he finished...he was gone. I walked over to Kyle and sat beside him and he looked at me with his cute black Aipom eyes...I felt something in my heart...something that warmed me up even though there was hardly any warmth in this messed up world. I always felt it whenever I saw Kyle, I don't know why it happens but it just dose. I kinda like it!


Kyle's POV
A few hours of silence passed and Almia finally returned with the wood we needed for our fire. After a few tries we got the fire burning...it's warmth made us very sleepy and after 15 minutes Almia was fast asleep. As for Dawn she was beginning to nod off but something was....different about her look. Dawn was smiling! Whenever we went to bed Dawn would always have a worried look on her face,maybe it was Dusknoir that scared her.This night was different...but why? Before she went to sleep she gave me a wink, and said "Just to let you know...I feel safe when I'm with you..." she closed her eyes and fell asleep. I looked around the dark forest just to make sure we weren't being followed or anything but I was so tired that I fell onto the floor and fell asleep.

Mudkipzroks
15th July 2012, 2:48 AM
Wow that it actually pretty good

PMDstories
15th July 2012, 9:46 AM
thank you =) btw how do you post new chapters onto your story?

The Great Butler
15th July 2012, 9:58 AM
thank you =) btw how do you post new chapters onto your story?

You put them in the reply box, just like how you posted this message.

PMDstories
15th July 2012, 11:33 AM
so do i just go on "reply with quote" thats under my story?

DMerle
15th July 2012, 12:22 PM
so do i just go on "reply with quote" thats under my story?

No, that's if you want to directly reply to a comment someone made, I'd reccomend writing the chapter in Word, then copy it all go onto this thread at the bottom you'll see a circular kind of button that says "+ Reply to Thread", click that paste in the next chapter and then post "submit reply" and it'll be done.

PMDstories
15th July 2012, 4:26 PM
For my first Fanfiction I decides to do a story about the paralysed future...
and I used some of my favourite pokemon to!
I do not own pokemon just so you know

Chapter 2
Held Prisoner

Kyle was going through some horrible nightmares...in one of them he was running away from a Giant Dusknoir and his minions...another one had he and his friends tied to stakes...6 Sableye were clawing into their bodies! The final dream he had showed a massive dragon with a diamond attached to it launching a powerful blast of energy at his friends...which killed them both...it was the worst night Kyle ever had! Luckily for him he was saved from his nightmare by a scream, "KYLE!!!! HELP!!!!" He got up and saw a bunch of Sableye attacking Dawn and Almia! "Leave them alone!" He yelled to the purple pokemon while charging up a focus punch,but a Sableye sucker punched him from behind! They pinned Almia to the ground and tried to do the same with Dawn but she kept on moving trying to break free from the sharp claws that dug into her shoulders. Kyle regained his strength and charged at the Sableye smashing his tail fist into the attackers! He was about to finish off the remaining 3 but one of them stabbed him with a poison jab on his forehead, he fell to the floor and blacked out...

When Kyle regained consciousness he noticed that he was being dragged by something....or someone. His arms were tied up along with his legs and next to him was Dawn and Almia both tied up the same way as he was...except Dawn had a gag on her... maybe she was to noisy for the Sableye to tolerate. Kyle tried to look past the Sableye to see where they were taking them, it was hard at first but when he finally got a clear view he almost fainted again.... The Sableye we're taking them to the Death Prison...! In case you don't know what the Death Prison is, it's the main jail house of the ruined future. Dusknoir ran the place with an iron first and would execute any prisoners who Dusknoir found useless...Kyle could clearly see what would happen to them when the fat ghost set's his one eye on them...

The entrance was awfully dark... it made Kyle wounder how the Sableye even knew where they were going...After about 2 minutes of walking in darkness they finally found some light.The Saybleye turned the tied up pokemon to face what looked like a throne made out of stone...sitting on it was...Dusknoir! "Lord Dusknoir!" one of the Saybleye said with a grin "we have 3 new prisoners for you!" Another Saybleye was jumping all over the place "they're the 3 pokemon that have been on the run from us for the past 2 years!" Dusknir stared at them with a ominous look on his face...this made Dawn sweat a little (she get's scared pretty easily by ghost types like Dusknoir) "Mmmmfff...." that was all Dawn could say with the gag on her mouth. Dusknoir looked puzzled, "Why's the penguin gagged?" he asked the Saybleye "the little brat was to much of a loudmouth! She kept on screaming so we had no choice!" "DON'T CALL HER A BRAT!!" me and Almia both yelled, I found it strange that Almia felt the same way for Dawn... Dusknoir laughed for a few seconds and then pointed to a corridor on the left side of the room, "I'll think of what to do with them later...in the meantime take them to the cells!" The 6 Sableye nodded and dragged the Kyle and his friends into the dark corridor. "MMFFFFF MMMFFF!!!" Dawn had lost it by now and was squirming all over the place,she was afraid of being killed even though she didn't know if that's what they we're going to do with her. When they made it to the cells they threw Kyle and Almia in however the Sableye simply pushed Dawn in her cell...of cource they DID un gag her even though they were fully aware of how loud she could scream. When the gates closed the purple devils walked away while letting out a creepy laugh leaving Kyle and his friends on their own.

Dawn's POV

I stared at the iron bars of my cell for what seemed like 3 hours...all of our running went to waste...we're we destined to be caught? I had a lot more questions to ask myself but I decided to check on Kyle. I tried to walked over to the cell window with my tied up legs and looked at Kyle who was sitting on the concrete floor with his eyes closed...he looked so depressed... "K-kyle....are you...ok?" (I've asked that question more than 50 times now... I always wanted to make sure that Kyle was ok and that led my line to be my most popular one) He sighed and shook his head " I'm...fine dawn..." he said calmly "it's all my fault...I shouldn't of fell asleep that night...we would of been much safer if one us us we're on look out..." I felt terrible when I heard him say this... I didn't want him to feel bad so I said "no...it's my-" but before I finished Almia rudely interrupted! "Can you two stop going on about who's fault it was?! It's not like it makes a difference!" I sighed and went back to the center of my cell and lied down...what was going to happen? I don't think I even want to know....

PMDstories
16th July 2012, 5:08 AM
For my first Fanfiction I decides to do a story about the paralysed future...
and I used some of my favourite pokemon to!
I do not own pokemon just so you know

Chapter 3
Escape from death!

Almia's POV

It had been 5 hours since we were caught and imprisoned in the Death Prison...I used all this time to think...will we die...or live? Since we were quite puny compared to the other prisoners I mostly believed the dying answer...I would be pretty scared at a time like this but for some reason I felt....safe... I'd usually think that it was my mum and dad keeping close to me, maybe they knew how I felt and they didn't want me to feel scared. I miss them even more now! Since Kyle and Dawn were asleep I tried to sleep to...but for some reason...I couldn't. The sound of laughing quietly entered my ear...were the Sableye comming back? I looked through the iron bars and saw the 6 Sableye and behind them was Dusknoir! I let out a growl as they came closer. When they stopped and turned to us I heard Kyle yawn...he had no idea what was in front of him right now. "You kids put up a good fight when my minions tried to capture you" Dusknoir said sarcastically "however I find you 3 totally useless so....I've decided to kill you all."


Kyle's POV

I stared at Dusknoir with wide open eyes...HE WAS GOING TO KILL US!!! I tried to move back as the gates swung open but there was no place to run and the swarm of Sableye dragged me out and as usual Dawn was trying to get away " let me go! let me go! LET ME GOOOOOO!!!" she screamed at the Sableye but they ignored her and one of them scratched her on the cheek. "DON'T DO THAT TO HER!" I yelled while trying to hit them with my tail, they did the same with me except the scratch was more painful...They lined us up and as quick as a flash they blindfolded us. "H-hey whats with the blindfolds?!" I asked "shut up and come with us!" I heard one of the Sableye yell in my ear. They grabbed and yanked us to wherever they wanted us to go and within 5 minutes I felt like I was being tied to something...



Their Blindfolds were taking off and Kyle and hi friends were tied to stakes! "why are we tied up?" Dawn said on the right, "this is probably part of our execution...." Almia answered back. At this point tears started to well up in her eyes. The entire room lit up and Dusknoir and his Sableye walked in. "Master Dusknoir how should we do the execution?" one of the Sableye asked "Make it long and painful..." there was no emotion within Dusknoir's voice at all. This continued to freak Dawn out and at the same time make her cry even more. The purple devils slowly walked towards them letting out their freaky laughs, they then got to their hands and feet facing at either Kyle,Almia or Dawn. Dusknoir lifted his arm up "commence...NOW!" the Sableye slashed their claws right into Kyle and his friends bodies repeatedly "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" they all screamed in pain. (Wait a second...) Kyle thought to himself (the ropes holding me to the stake are loose...stupid Sableye) He looked at Almia and Dawn's ropes and to his surprise both we're loose to! "G-guys! Look at the ropes,they're lose!" "Yeah so?" Almia said back to him "We can break out of them at the right time" "m-m-make it quick though....my stomach can't take much more pain..." Dawn whispered. Just after she said that the Sableye slashed the ropes behind them "NOW" Kyle yelled! They broke free and tackled into the Sableye! "What the...?" That's all Dusknoir could say before Almia pulled out a x-eye seed and threw it at the ghost. "I can't see....uuuhhh!" "C'mon lets go!" Dawn yelled.They pushed Dusknoir aside and ran as fast as they could.

Kyle and his friends ran through the maze like corridors for what seemed like hours..."Are we even going the right way?" Dawn asked, Kyle looked around...it looked like they've been through the same place over and over. "Is it me or is this the same prison block as before" Almia asked. They continued to run...and run...and...run... until they heard a voice. "H-hello?" "Did you guys here that" Kyle said looking around. (That voice...it sounds so familiar) Almia thought to himself, he walked over to the right and saw a lone prison cell. He looked deep into the dark and saw...his sister! Almia stood there in shock...almost ready to cry...he hasn't seen his sister for a year. "Um...Almia...look behind you!" Almia turned around...the Sableye were right behind them their claws ready to strike. (Aaaw man...) he said to himself...

The Great Butler
16th July 2012, 9:45 AM
Now I can understand your enthusiasm for writing. That's certainly a good thing to have. However, you really need to slow down and not rush, because you made a lot of mistakes that could be avoided.


For my first Fanfiction I decides to do a story about the paralysed future...
and I used some of my favourite pokemon to!
I do not own pokemon just so you know

1) I'm going to assume you aren't a speaker of American English, because in that case "paralysed" would be an acceptable spelling for "paralyzed." Based on "favourite," I'm probably right.

2) You have to learn the difference between when to use "to" and when to use "too." This is hard to describe in words, but there are grammar guides you can read to learn how to do this. You could also just look at how my friend Jax puts it, which is a perfect summary of the rule:


03:48 Jax But even then, "too" usually means "a lot of" or "also." "To" refers to a place, a verb, or something else. In short, "too" = excess, addition; "to" = doesn't mean anything at all by itself.

3) Capitalization of "Pokemon": This is a tough subject that not everyone agrees on. In this context, though, you're referring to the Pokemon franchise, so it should be capitalized here.

4) You do not need to put this header at the beginning of every chapter.


Chapter 1
On the run

There is a way to make this spacing without hitting the spacebar. Put
before the text you want centered and put at the end.


Kyle's POV

This is something I have to strongly discourage you from doing. First of all, we don't even know who "Kyle" is yet, so it's a little difficult to get started on this note. Second, making point of view switches by simply saying whose point of view it is is horribly abrupt. I encourage you to use contextual clues instead of headers in order to help the reader see whose POV each segment is; what this means is, have the events taking place in the story show us whose POV we're using. For example, you could try having some description of something Kyle is doing from his POV, then have Almia speak to him and use his name, which would put together in the reader's mind that Kyle is the character whose POV we're seeing.


The future of the pokemon world was a terrible place to live in...Dialga sent his right hand man Dusknoir to enslave every pokemon he could find and turn them into slaves of the evil empire. Many pokemon were on the run,trying to escape from Dusknoir's clutches...but sooner or later they would be captured and imprisoned...now there we're only 3 pokemon left...me, Kyle the Aipom and my 2 friends...Dawn the Piplup and Almia the Shinx.

We all hated our dreadful world. We all hated Dusknoir. We hated EVERYTHING about the future...It was mostly Almia who suffered the most hate though...why? Because Dusknoir...killed his parents! The heartless ghost pushed Almia's parents of a cliff while paralysed from a painful thunder punch to the face...as for his little sister, she was captured and was now a prisoner of Dialga. Almia missed his family so much that he wanted to kill Dusknoir. I felt sad for him all the time.

Now, something that every author will tell you is the rule of "show, don't tell." All you're doing here is dumping a bunch of names and events, which is telling us what happened. What you want to be doing is showing us these things happening, not telling us that they happened. You need to show us who Dialga and Dusknoir are, show us why the future world is such a terrible place to live in, show us those Pokemon on the run from Dusknoir, show us the deaths of Almia's parents.

There are a few grammar problems here too, particularly overuse and misuse of ellipses, which need to have a space after the three dots, and "thunder punch," which is properly written as "Thunderpunch" or "ThunderPunch." Attack names are capitalized.


Almia's POV
"Are we there yet?!" I moaned at Kyle who was staring up at the pitch black sky,he stopped walking and pulled out his wonder map "If we keep on walking we'll be there in a couple of minutes" he replied. I heard Dawn sigh behind me, she wasn't the type of person made to run for her entire life...none of us were. "It'll be ok Dawn" I said to her "we'll soon be able to rest so don't worry!" She raised her head up and smiled which made both me and Kyle smile. After even more walking we finally made it to Dusk Forest! We all fell to our feet and sighed in relief,we could get the rest we deserved!

Okay, there's quite a bit to go over here.

1) "Wonder Map" is the name of an item, so it should be capitalized.

2) You're missing a period at the end of the sentence that ends with "Map."

3) There needs to be a comma after "minutes" in order to transition from the quote to the "he replied." When text describing a quote comes directly after the quote itself in the same line, the last word of the quote must have a comma after it, unless the quote must end in a question mark or exclamation point.

4) What are they running from?

5) Again, there needs to be a comma after "Dawn" to transition out of the quote, but this time, there also needs to be a comma after "her" to transition back into the rest of the quote.

6) There needs to be a space after the comma.



Dawn's POV
The first thing I did when I sat down on the dull grass was let out a huge yawn...I had been awake for almost 30 hours with hardly any sleep at all! I then looked around the area before checking on my friends "Are you guys ok?" Kyle turned to face me, "Yeah we're fine...just...a little bit tired..." Almia got up onto his feet and began to walk into the darkness, I quickly got up and followed him. "Where are you going?" I shouted to him, "I'm going to get some wood to make a fire...we'll need some warmth if we're going to camp out here!" after he finished...he was gone. I walked over to Kyle and sat beside him and he looked at me with his cute black Aipom eyes...I felt something in my heart...something that warmed me up even though there was hardly any warmth in this messed up world. I always felt it whenever I saw Kyle, I don't know why it happens but it just dose. I kinda like it!

1) There should be a period to end the sentence that ends with "friends."

2) Either that needs to say "Kyle turned to face me and said," if you're going to use a comma, or that comma needs to be a period. Either will work.

3) "After" should have a capital "A."

4) You're relying far too heavily on ellipses and exclamation points to build a sense of suspense, as if an overly hammy narrator is telling us this story instead of us seeing it through the POV of the characters.

5) That said, you should at least want to be consistent, so "he was gone" ending with a period feels strange after lesser things have had exclamation points on them.


Kyle's POV
A few hours of silence passed and Almia finally returned with the wood we needed for our fire. After a few tries we got the fire burning...it's warmth made us very sleepy and after 15 minutes Almia was fast asleep. As for Dawn she was beginning to nod off but something was....different about her look. Dawn was smiling! Whenever we went to bed Dawn would always have a worried look on her face,maybe it was Dusknoir that scared her.This night was different...but why? Before she went to sleep she gave me a wink, and said "Just to let you know...I feel safe when I'm with you..." she closed her eyes and fell asleep. I looked around the dark forest just to make sure we weren't being followed or anything but I was so tired that I fell onto the floor and fell asleep.

1) In this context, that should be "its," not "it's." Remember that "it's" is actually a shortened form of "it is."

2) Fifteen is probably a number that should be written out in full instead of using digits. Usage of digits instead of words is usually discouraged.

3) Again, spaces between words, including when those words have a comma or period after them.

4) "She" should be capitalized in "She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

5) Ending two sentences with the same word or words ("fell asleep" in this case) creates repetition, which is not always a good thing.

In conclusion, you're trying and you have a lot of enthusiasm. That's good. However, you have some significant problems that need to be addressed before you continue. For one, there are major grammatical issues that I have outlined above. In addition, the narrative structure and tone of the story is a very serious problem. You're providing very little description and simply telling us a lot of things instead of using contextual clues within the narrative to allow the reader to come to grasp the story themselves; also, the tone of the narration is rather irritating, and makes the storytelling sound more like gossip than a story we should be seeing through the eyes of the characters involved.

Again, though, you are trying, and I like the idea of a story exploring some of the concepts behind the second set of Mystery Dungeon games. Address the issues I've pointed out and you should be able to work up something quite good.

PMDstories
17th July 2012, 11:25 PM
Thanks for pointing those things out =) Let me tell you one thing... I'm incredibly stupid... i forget things pretty easily so my punctuation...is terrible....i'm thinking if I should even continue this or not...anyways i'm pretty much a stupid failure...just saying.

The Great Butler
18th July 2012, 4:54 AM
Thanks for pointing those things out =) Let me tell you one thing... I'm incredibly stupid... i forget things pretty easily so my punctuation...is terrible....i'm thinking if I should even continue this or not...anyways i'm pretty much a stupid failure...just saying.

No, you are not a "stupid failure" or anything. All you need to do is just try to take some of the advice I gave you.