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TeamRocketGrunt
21st July 2012, 1:27 AM
-Hetamon-
I'm still a n00b writer, so it might not seem good. Also, the program I use doesn't have "pages", so I hope this is long enough. That program is called WordPad by the way. Also, if there's any grammar errors, please tell me.

Chapter 1:Kiku's Theory

Feliciano yawned, and hopped out of his bed. "Why does Ludwig always start training us so early? Not that I mind...." Feliciano and Kiku, another Axis Power, walked outside for their daily training-at least, after the daily getting-chewed-out. "YOU TWO ARE LATE! WHAT HAS BEEN DISTRACTING YOU SO MUCH?!", Ludwig screamed at them. They weren't intimidated, because this was an everyday thing. Kiku looked down at the ground and thought to himself. "What would Ludwig think if I told him I was trying to get to playing my Gameboy more often? He would probably make me leave the group for good and laugh in my face. I know I have to follow the samurai code and tell the truth, but.....it'll be hard." Ludwig's voice is always booming regardless of his mood. "FELICIANO! What's keeping you off-guard?", he shot at Feliciano in fury. Feliciano weeped and was able to let out his answer. "Veeee....I have just been sleeping too late. I can't help it, alarms don't really work for me, and, and.......DON'T HURT MEEEE!!!" Ludwig sighed. "Feliciano, warning." He started to think to himself. "Why is Feliciano such a big wimp? Why did I add him?" He then boomed at Kiku. "KIKU! You don't usually do this. WHY DID YOU SLACK OFF!? Kiku sighed and looked down at his feet. "I was playing my Gameboy and was so engaged that-" "WHAT DID YOU DO?!", Ludwig interupted.

Kiku was in a room alone, and connected two Gameboy Advances with a Link Cable. "I hope my theory works.", he whispered to himself. He was trading a Cyndaquil from one version of Emerald to the other. Right when Cyndaquil was about to be transfered, Kiku cut the cable. Something emerged from the middle of the cut cable, and it tried to speak a bit. "Cynda? Cynda...." Kiku was pleased and screamed out loud, "It worked! It worked! I can't believe that it actually worked!" He began to jump around his room in joy. "I'll name you Kikuquil. You will be my companion forever. Here, wear this." Kiku gave Kikuquil a wig and clothing that resembled what he wore. "You look really great, Kikuquil! I'm going to show you to the rest of the Axis crew and explain how I created you. Maybe I could make Pokemon alter-egos of them, too!"

"Kiku, what were you doing back there?", asked Feliciano, "You were being very quiet." Kiku showed Feliciano what was in his arms. "Veeeee! That's a cute....thing, whatever it is.", Feliciano said in awe. Kiku smiled and replied, "His name is Kikuquil, and he's my Hetamon." "Quiiiil!", cried Kikuquil, bursting his flame out. Feliciano stepped back and screamed, "Aaaahhh! Why didn't you tell me it could do that?! And what is a 'Hetamon'?" Kiku looked up at him. "Hetamon is short for Hetalian Monster. He's my Pokemon alter-ego, and his species is a Cyndaquil." Feliciano's eyes widened and asked Kiku a question he had in his head. "Can I have one?" Kiku smiled, because that's what he wanted to hear. "Yes, you can. I'll go get you one." Kiku went back into his "lab", and did the same routine, but with a different Pokemon. Kiku was done, and let Feliciano come in. "He's ready for you to meet him!" Feliciano rushed in to meet his friend. "He's so cool! Veeeee!" His Hetamon appeared to mock him. "Veeee...." But the Hetamon used a hard e, unlike Feliciano does. "His name is VE-Nasaur.", said Kiku. "He is a Venusaur. I think he likes you. VE-Nasaur and Feliciano marched around Kiku's room, chanting "Ve! Ve! Ve!". Kikuquil joined and squeaked "Quil! Quil! Quil!". Kiku thought to himself, "These might not only be good friends, but also benefit for our defense..."

VS
21st July 2012, 2:05 AM
Okay it's good but here's a few things you missed. Kiku is quiet and doesn't talk much, you made him into Feliciano by making him slack off and not follow orders. Other than that it's great so far.
UPDATE:
I missed some things. Kiku doesn't go crazy at all or even show emotion. I liked Italy and VE-nesaur saying Ve.

bobandbill
21st July 2012, 5:00 AM
I'm still a n00b writer, so it might not seem good. Also, the program I use doesn't have "pages", so I hope this is long enough. It isn't; it falls short of the two page minimum rule we have for chapters. Hence I'm going to close; repost when it fits that rule (more details are in the fic rules thread).

A couple of other things; spacing would help you with that. You'd want to start a new paragraph whenever someone else/different begins speaking, and have a line of spacing between each one. E.g.:

"I am speaking!" said a man.

"And I'm singing," sung another man.

"This example sucks," sighed the barkeeper.
I'd suggest spending some time developing the characters as well. It seems that we're supposed to already now what some of these characters are, but I'm mostly left confused on what their personalities are, what they look like, etc. Describe these things and show them to us via what they do some more, and that'd also help extend the length of the story.