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RealRaymon
21st July 2012, 9:50 PM
Hi everyone! Dear readers, I want to present you my story about Max, who is finally 10-year old and who are going to get and catch his own Pokemon.
Firstly, I want to thank bobandbill, who approved it and helped me a lot.
Secondly, I want to say that I made it like the anime, so it is suitable for all ages. I am very desired to make the best fic about Max adventures as a trainer.
But only you can decide about my success in it. By reading it of course!:)
I hope you'll enjoy reading it!)

Here will be a PM list
thedehydrator (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?209681-thedehydrator)
StarDestroyer (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?292629-StarDestroyer)
dirkac (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?315798-dirkac)
TheSirPeras (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?290774-TheSirPeras)
infernape100 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?316972-infernape100)
PaddysTurtwigFanClub (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?316430-PaddysTurtwigFanClub)
amittal12 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?293581-amittal12)
morningsun (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?195477-morningsun)
Blazicken (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?178010-Blazicken)
Dormant (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?330477-Dormant)
OceanicLanturn (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?317023-OceanicLanturn)

Chapter List:

Max's New Adventures: The beginning!

The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14859140#post14859140)

The 2nd Chapter: First Battle! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14882767#post14882767)

The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the Start is! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14905591#post14905591)

The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14913158#post14913158)

The 5th Chapter: A road to success! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14917730#post14917730)

The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14934885#post14934885)

The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14937814#post14937814)

The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14941632#post14941632)

The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14947465#post14947465)

The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14951859#post14951859)

The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14962718#post14962718)

The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14966532#post14966532)

The 13th Chapter: A call indeed! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14978611#post14978611)

The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14985665#post14985665)

The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14988208#post14988208)

The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=15001148#post15001148)

The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=15007111#post15007111)

The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=15013568#post15013568)

Max's New Adventures: In a search for the friend!

The 19th Chapter: Grow while you can! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15029643#post15029643)

The 20th Chapter: Gotta’ see you later! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15046731#post15046731)

The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15054935#post15054935)

The 22nd Chapter: Fight your fear, Mudkip! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15165119#post15165119)

The 23rd chapter: New Mauville trouble! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15213242#post15213242)

The 24th Chapter: Elekid is my new friend! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15218763#post15218763)

The 25th Chapter: Let's charge for the Gym battle! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15392145#post15392145)

The 26th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part One) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15460183#post15460183)

The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15479816#post15479816)

The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max? (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15500253#post15500253)

The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15513522#post15513522)

The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15515197#post15515197)

Max's New Adventures: The meeting of the old friends!

The 31st Chapter: The reunion! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15615904#post15615904)

The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15648735#post15648735)

The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15651609#post15651609)

The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two) (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15675233#post15675233)

The 35th Chapter: Second round is a way to look around! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15712650#post15712650)

The 36th Chapter: Aqua battle! Piplup vs Empoleon! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15755259#post15755259)

The 37th chapter: The show goes on! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-s-New-Adventures&p=15831464#post15831464)

The 1st chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

Narrator: “Pokemon! The amazing creatures you can find everywhere in the Pokemon world! The land, the sky and the sea, all is inhabited by them. And let’s take ourselves to the Petalburg City in the Hoenn region, where ten year old boy, Max, is ready to start his journey!”

(Max is sitting in his room and is packing his bag.)

Max: “Finally! This day has come, I am ready to have my own Pokemon! I am so excited!”

(Caroline comes in.)

Caroline (looks at Max and asks him with a soft and nice voice): “Are you ready, dear?”

Max (answers happily with voice full of energy): “Of course I am, Mom!”

Caroline (smiles): “Great! Let’s go downstairs. Your father is waiting for you.”

(They go downstairs, while they are going, the gym and their house is shown. Norman is sitting on the sofa and looking at TV. The battle between Steven and Drake is shown.)

Battle Announcer (almost shouts): “The intensive battle between Champion Steven and Elite Four Drake is coming to the end. Drake has only one Pokemon left. Can he change the course of the battle?”

(At this time Max is excited seeing this battle and sits with Norman.)

Drake (takes the Pokeball out of his belt): “Flygon, show us your dragon powers!”

Flygon (with a determined look): “Fly-yy-gon!”

Battle Announcer: “Drake sends out Flygon while Steven is sticking with his Aggron”

Steven (to Aggron): “Use Double-Edge!”

(Aggron`s whole body glows white and he runs in Flygon.)

Drake (is confident in Flygon): “Dodge it. You can do it Flygon!”

(Flygon dodges the attack by flying higher.)

Steven (smiles maliciously): “Not this time!”

(Aggron jumps using it powerful tail and strikes Flygon. Flygon falls on the land and hardly gets up.)

Drake: “Use Dig”

(Flygon borrows its way under the ground.)

Steven (shouts): “Earthquake!”

(Aggron jumps and shakes the entire field. Flygon flies out of the land and is really near to give up.)

Drake: “Dragon Pulse!”

(Flygon releases a blue energy ball out of his mouth. The ball hits Aggron hard.)

Steven: “Stay strong Aggron, use Ice beam!”

(Aggron releases Ice beam, Drake command Flygon to dodge, but it is too tired and it is hit and Flygon is knocked out.)

Drake (looking at Flygon’s Pokeball): “Thanks Flygon! You battled hard.”

Steven: “Good job, Aggron. Return.”

Battle Announcer: “Well, that’s it! The intense battle came to the end and we see the friendly handshake between these two skilled battlers!”

Max: “That was an amazing battle! Steven was cool like always.”

Norman (turns the TV off and stands): “Well, son, I see you are ready.”

Max: “Sure I am, Daddy.”

Norman (with a deep voice): “You are so grown-up now, I can’t believe the time passed so quickly”

Max: “I will become the powerful Pokemon trainer and you’ll be proud of me”

Norman: “I have no doubt about that”

Max: “And you’ll battle me like you promised”

Norman(nods): “You know I will, and I look forward to this day. So, Max, go in my car. I’ll take you to the Professor Birch’s lab.”

Max: “Okay, let’s head to the Littleroot Town!”

(Norman and Max sit in the car and are ready to go.)

Max (to Caroline): “Bye Mom!”

Caroline: “Bye, dear, take care!”

Norman: “Bye, sweetie! Will be soon!”

(Max and Norman drive to the Littleroot Town, and while they are getting there, they see many wild Pokemon they are passing by.)

Max: “Wow! So many Pokemon, and very soon I will travel and see them all. ”

Norman (agrees): “Yes, there are plenty of Pokemon in the Hoenn region.”

(Max keeps watching at Pokemon and soon after they arrive at Littleroot town.)

Norman (pointing at the building): “Here it is, the Professor Birch’s lab.”

(Norman parks the car.)

Max: “It really is and I can’t wait! Let’s go there!”

(Max runs to the lab. He doesn't bother waiting Norman. All he wants now, is only one thing: to get his starter pokemon.)

Norman (goes out of car): “You are so excited, huh? Okay okay, wait for me!”

(At this time Professor Birch and his assistant are talking in the lab.)

Professor Birch’s Assistant: “Are you ready, Professor? You know, the boy will come very soon to choose his starter Pokemon.”

Professor Birch (breathes deeply and says with tired, low voice): “I know that. I checked the Pokemon and they are in good shape and are ready to go.”

(Max rings the doorbell.)

“Ding-Dong!”

Professor Birch (surprised): “What is that?”

Professor Birch’s Assistant: “It is a new doorbell I bought yesterday.”

Professor Birch (displeased): “Oh, you could have told me, I could help you with that.”

(The scene shows Max and Norman standing out on the other side of the door.)

Max: “Well, where are they?”

Norman (asks with a wondering voice): “Professor Birch, are you there?”

(The door finally opens.)

Professor Birch: “Yes, sorry for waiting. So, Max, how are you feeling today? Ready for your first Pokemon?”

Max (adjusts his glasses and then exclaims): “I feel better than ever! Of course I am, Professor! So, show me Pokemon, will you?”

(And stares at Birch with a cute face and bright wide eyes.)

Professor Birch (laughs): “So impatient, are we? Okay, let’s go in our main room.”

(All of them go into the main room, where all the devices and instruments are.)

Professor Birch: “Here we are. So Max…”

(Takes three Pokeballs. Norman smiles and watches at Max’s reaction.)

Max (acts in a childish way, crosses his arms.): “Wow! I am thrilled. Can’t wait!”

Professor Birch (takes the first one): “As you know, trainers in the Hoenn region may start with one of the three following Pokemon. Go Mudkip!”

Mudkip (comes out of Pokeball, then he opens his eyes and smiles): “Mudkip!”

Max (can’t believe that it is happening to him): “A-a-a! Mudkip, how cool! I can’t believe that that is not a dream!”

Professor Birch (takes the second one and throws it): “Go! Treecko!”

Treecko (comes out of its Pokeball, stands in a cool way and seriously says): “Tree-eecko!”

Max (exclaims once again): “Treecko is a very cool Pokemon as well!”

Professor Birch: “And the final Pokemon, Torchic, come on out!”

Torchic (appears and stands like the cute Pokemon and says with a nice voice): “To-oorchic.”

Professor Birch (looks at Max and tells him with a friendly voice): “So, Max, make your choice.”

Max (looking at all three of them): “So, Torchic, Mudkip and Treecko. Man, wish May was here with me. So, whom I gonna choose?”
------------------------------------------------
(Then Max remembers when he first saw May’s starter Pokemon.)

Norman (looks at May and tells her with a curious tone): “Tell me May, what kind of Pokemon did you get from Professor Birch anyway?”

Max (looks at her too and is excited): “Yeah, May, tell us what did you get?”

May (smiles, stands and takes her Pokeball): “Torchic, come on out!”

(Torchic comes out of his Pokeball)

Max (displeased and shouts): “Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t? Why did you pick that? If it were me, I would definitely have picked a Treecko”.
------------------------------------------------
Max (stands with closed eyes and tells Professor Birch): “Professor, I made up my mind.”

Professor Birch (asks with a voice full of interest): “So, what would it be, Max?”

Max (smiles): “I pick Treecko!”

Treecko (smiles and jumps on Max’s shoulder): “Treecko!”

Professor Birch: “Well, it looks like Treecko is happy with your choice.”

(Professor Birch returns Mudkip and Torchic, goes to his table, takes Pokedex and five Pokeballs. Then he takes Treecko’s Pokeball and gives these 6 PokeBalls to Max.)

Professor Birch: “So, this is your Pokedex, it can show all the Pokemon from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh regions. Here are your Pokeballs as well as Treecko’s Pokeball. So, good luck on your journey, I know that you’ll be fine and become a great Pokemon trainer.”

Max: “Thanks very much, Professor! Okay, Treecko, let’s check you out in the Pokedex!”

Treecko (obeys):”Treecko.”

Pokedex:” Treecko, the Wood Gecko Pokémon. Treecko are able to climb smooth vertical walls and use their thick tail to attack opponents. Since Treecko build their nests in large trees it is said that those trees will live a very long life.”

Max: “Awesome! (To Treecko). Well, Treecko, welcome to my team!”

Treecko (winks and smiles): “Ckooo!!”

Max (to Birch): “Thanks again, Professor”

Norman (to Birch): “Yes, you helped us a lot, Professor!”

Professor Birch (shakes Norman’s hand): “My pleasure!”

Norman (to Birch’s assistant): “Thank you for your help as well.”

Professor Birch’s Assistant: “You are welcome.”

Norman (to Max): “So, it is time to come, Max”

Max (recalling his Treecko): “Return, Treecko!” (then answers Norman): “Okay, daddy, let’s go!”

Both Max and Norman (sit in their car and drive off the lab): “Bye everyone! Bye!”

Professor Birch and his assistant (stand near the lab and wave their hands): “Bye!”

(Max and Norman drive out of sight.)

Professor Birch (tells his assistant): “Well, next time we’ll buy this doorbell together.”

Professor Birch’s Assistant (closing his face with a hand): “Oh my…”

(Then Norman and Max are driving and Norman tells Max): “So, son, anything more I can help you with?”

Max: “Yes, I have one friend to meet with…”

The end of 1st chapter.

It is all for now, but I will write more)

Rotomknight
21st July 2012, 10:29 PM
This is rather well constructed. This fills me with nostagia since I started the anime in the hoenn section. (well that's when I started watching every episode.) I feel you did pretty well with max. You could have shown more of his intellectual side. But that's it. I hope you have some villians in store.

RealRaymon
21st July 2012, 10:36 PM
This is rather well constructed. This fills me with nostagia since I started the anime in the hoenn section. (well that's when I started watching every episode.) I feel you did pretty well with max. You could have shown more of his intellectual side. But that's it. I hope you have some villians in store.
Thanks for the advice)

Dawn+Serena Fan
21st July 2012, 10:47 PM
Ooh it's interesting, I knew that Mex would pic Treecko! XD
Hm I wonder who he wants to meet.
Anyways good job, I'm liking it so far!

Dawn and Piplup
22nd July 2012, 7:20 PM
I like it! Be sure to notify me when you do more!
Maybe Max would be Dawn (because she is traveling in Hoenn)
At the end of AG, Ash promised Max a battle. Maybe that could happen later on!
I really like it and it's a lot like the anime -great job! :)

RealRaymon
22nd July 2012, 8:12 PM
I like it! Be sure to notify me when you do more!
Maybe Max would be Dawn (because she is traveling in Hoenn)
At the end of AG, Ash promised Max a battle. Maybe that could happen later on!
I really like it and it's a lot like the anime -great job! :)
Thanks)Sure:)

Charizard-Fan
22nd July 2012, 8:58 PM
Good beginning for an interesting story. It's good that Max chose Treecko and I liked the battle between Steven and Drake. Good job, keep it up! :)

momomon
23rd July 2012, 9:44 PM
I just had a feeling he would pick the grass type. The story is well written and I hope to read the rest of it!

Krazy95
23rd July 2012, 9:47 PM
I do like this story, but I can say already that you WILL be asked to change the story.

I like what you have, but there is a huge flaw - stories in the Fan-Fiction section have to be posted as narrative, not in a screen-play style of writing.

RealRaymon
23rd July 2012, 11:19 PM
I like what you have, but there is a huge flaw - stories in the Fan-Fiction section have to be posted as narrative, not in a screen-play style of writing.
Thanks for the concern)
But as I have said, my story is approved by a mod bobandbill)
So, no need to worry

P.S. tomorrow I'll write the 2nd chapter

bobandbill
24th July 2012, 1:55 AM
To clarify the script-fic thing, if you check the rules it states the following:

Scripts: The way plays and screenplays are written to instruct actors. No scripted fics are allowed unless they are properly written scripts. This means they include details on the setting, characters’ emotions/tone of voice, and stage direction.

Scripts are generally discouraged here, as a lot of people write them to be lazy. These are one of the hardest types of stories to pull off well, as scripts are better when performed by actors than read alone. Fics can not be written half in script form and half normal - your format must be consistent. Do not write dialogue in script format out of laziness.
Hence scripts are actually allowed as long as they are up to standard. I was PM'd with an extract of the chapter, gave some advice on how to improve it to meet said standards and once they did (ie this fic does show how the dialogue is spoken and includes stage directions too) I gave approval for it.

That said I would say that a bit more description on the setting (e.g. what does the lab look like?) would be something to think about with future chapters.

SBaby
24th July 2012, 4:32 AM
May I make one suggestion too? This isn't necessarily a flaw, but it's a minor criticism.

When you type dialogue for a script Fic, it would be alot easier on the reader if you were to bold the speaker names.

ie

Jade: I'm just saying stuff.

The scene and everything else is fine though (although a bit more description would definitely help).

So yeah, I'll be checking back to see what direction you go with this.

RealRaymon
24th July 2012, 5:43 AM
May I make one suggestion too? This isn't necessarily a flaw, but it's a minor criticism.

When you type dialogue for a script Fic, it would be alot easier on the reader if you were to bold the speaker names.

ie

Jade: I'm just saying stuff.

The scene and everything else is fine though (although a bit more description would definitely help).

Thanks, I'll take that into account)

RealRaymon
26th July 2012, 10:21 PM
The 2nd Chapter: First Battle!

Norman(asks curiously): “What friend?”

Max: “When I was traveling with Ash, May and Brock, we have met a Ralts. Actually, I heard its voice and ran towards it. I helped it because it was sick. And team Rocket tried to stop us, but I managed to get to the Pokemon Center, because of Kirlia and Gardevoir…”

Norman(listens to Max with interest and then asks again): “Kirlia and Gardevoir?’

Max: “Yes, Ralts family I guess. They stopped team Rocket and let me to take my friend to the Poke Center. After Ralts became healthy again, we became close friends and Ralts wanted to go with me, but I was not old enough to become a trainer”

Norman: “So, what did you do?”

(Max remembers the whole situation)

------------------------------------------------------
Max(to Ralts): “Goodbye Ralts, you take care. Be good, okay?”

Ralts(surprised): “Ra-alts?”
(Starts crying, rans and jumps on Max’s hands)

Max(cries too): “Oh, Ralts, I love you too!”

(Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock and May alongside with Nurse Joy stand near a huge building that is a Pokemon Center and a wind takes leaves by a blow. Max and Ralts are still hugging)

Max: “Time to go now…”

Ralts(doesn’t want to go) “Ra-aalts. Raa-lts…”

Max(answers with a serious voice now): I don’t want to go either. But we don’t have the other choice. What do you think when I become older and become older and maybe you want to travel with me?”

Ralts(answers happily and nods): “Ralts. Ralts!”

Max(happy too): “That’s awesome, so you can hope me to coming back some day.”

Ralts: “Ralts!”

(Kirlia and Gardevoir tell Ralts that it is time to go)

Max: “So, that’s a deal.”
(looks at Gardevoir)

Gardevoir(agrees and nods): “Garde-voir”
(and Gardevoir, Kirlia and Ralts disappear)

Ralts(tells Max): “Promise me Max, promise that you’ll come back to take me.”

Max(answers loudly): “Yes Ralts! I promise you to come back for you! I will!”
------------------------------------------------------
Max: “I gave it a promise”. (Makes a pause and says with a deep voice). I promised to come back for it.”

Norman(smiles): “Very nice story, son. But where did we separate? I mean, where did you left it.”

Max(remembers): “Well, we were on the way to Sootopolis City.”

Norman: “And do you have a plan how to get there? It is way far from here.”

Max: “Of course I know”. (Then his glasses shine). “I’ll sail to it with the help of my old friend.”

Norman(looks at Max); “Is that so? Okay, you are old enough, and I think that you gonna be allright.”

Max(with confidence): “Of course I will daddy! And I have studied all the Hoenn region and I took the map with me.”

(By that moment, they arrive at the Oldale town. They walk to the Pokémon Center.)

Norman(to Max): “Let’s take a break. I’ll go make a call, while you can do something else.”

Max(agrees): “Okay.” (Then thinks and exclaims.) “Of course, how can I forgot that?!”
(Runs to the garden near the Center. The garden is filled with trees and has also a playground where trainers can test there skills, especially, the beginning trainers. Max takes his Pokeball and throws.)

Max: “Go, Treecko!”

Treecko(appears and looks at Max, smiles): “Treecko.”

Max: “Treecko, this will be our first training together!”

(Treecko nods)

(Max takes his Pokedex out of his bag and looks for something)

Max(asks dex): “So, what moves does Treecko know?”

(Then dex shows him Treecko’s moves)

Max: “Hmmm, that are great moves!” (To Treecko): “Okay, Treecko, show me your Pound attack!”

Treecko: “Treecko…!”
(Treecko jumps quickly and strikes a tree with his strong tail. Then some fruits and leaves fall because of its power.)

Max(shouts): “Awesome! You are very strong!”

Treecko(stands in a cool way): “Tree..”

Max: “Treecko, let’s see your Quick Attack”
(Max takes apples that were lying near the tree, throws them. Treecko catches them with amazing speed.)

???: “Your Treecko is really fast.”

(Max surprisingly turns around and sees a boy a little older than him. He is in blue T-Shirt and black shorts. It happens to be a schoolboy)

Max: “Thanks. But who are you?”

???: “My name is Calvin. I am a schoolboy. I’ve just finished my classes for today and was going back home when I heard you. Your Treecko has nice Pound and Quick Attack.”

Max: “Thanks, I am Max and Treecko is my first Pokemon.”

Calvin(To Treecko): “”Hi Treecko.”

Treecko: “Treecko”

Calvin(to Max): So, you are the beginner?

Max(answers with voice full of confidence): “Yes, but I have studied Pokemon and Travelled across many regions, so I am very strong!”

Calvin(laughs calmly): “So, you tell me that you are strong?”

Max(starts to get angry): “Yes! Do you doubt?”

Calvin: “No, but we can have a battle.”

Max(agrees): “That’s fine with me.” (To Treecko): “Are you ready, Treecko?”

Treecko(answers with full of energy): “Treecko!”

Max(to Calvin): “We are ready.”

Calvin: “Okay.”

(They stand at the different sides of a playground battlefield)

Calvin(throws his Pokeball): “Zigzagoon, help me out”

(Zigzagoon comes out of its Pokeball and it appears to be very strong, its eyes shine very brightly)

Zigzagoon(shouts loudly): “Zagoooon!”

Max(looks at it): “I see you trained it well.”(Takes his Pokedex and checks the data on Zigzagoon)

Pokedex: “Zigzagoon, the TinyRaccoon Pokémon. Zigzagoon restlessly wanders everywhere at all times. This Pokémon does so because it is very curious. It is good at finding items in the grass and even in the ground.”

Max(closes his Pokedex): “Treecko, get ready!”

Treecko(obediently): “Treecko.”

Max: “Treecko, use…”

Calvin(interrupts him): “Stop!”

Max(asks bewildermently): “Why?”

Calvin: “I think we forgot about one thing…”

Max(thinks and remembers): “Of course! We have forgotten about referee. Somebody should judge our battle!”

(After that Norman comes out of Pokemon Center)

Norman(asks happily because he witnesses his son first battle): “Oh, I see you want to battle. I can be the judge if you don’t mind…”

Both Max and Calvin: “Of course not!”

Calvin(looks at Norman carefully): “I can’t believe my eyes! You are Norman, the Petalburg gym leader!”

Norman: “Yes, it is me!”(smiles). “So, are you ready to battle?”

Both of them: “Yes!”

Max: “I won’t lose when my father is watching.”

Norman(stands in the middle of the field): “Well, begin!”

Max(says with pleasure): “Finally! Treecko, use Pound!”

Treecko: “Treecko!”
(Treecko jumps quickly and strikes Zigzagoon with its tail)

Max: “Great job, pal!”

Calvin(starts to worry): “use Sand-Attack”

(Zigzagoon turns around and throws very much sand using its paws. Treecko can’t see because sand hit his face as well)

Treecko(shakes); “Tree…”

Calvin(calmly): “Use Headbutt!”
(Zigzagoon hits Treecko using its head. Treecko falls on the ground, but stands up.)

Max: “Oh no! What should I do?” (Thinks) “Exactly! Treecko, try to clean your eyes! Use your hands!”

Treecko(rubs his eyes): “Tree-Tree…(Finally cleans his eyes) Treecko!”

Calvin: “We can’t let them recover! Zigzagoon, Headbutt once more!”

(Zigzagoon runs towards Treecko)

Max(confidently): “Not going to happen…” (Pushed up his glass with his finger). Use Pound with a spin!

(Treecko spins and nails a Pound on Zigzagoon and nearly takes it out)
Zigzagoon(stands with little power left): “Za...goon…”

Calvin(shouts): “Zigzagoon! I know you can still battle! Use Quick Attack!”

Max: “You use Quick Attack as well!”

(both Pokemon strike each other with amazing speed. Both Pokemon are hurt and standing opposite to each other. Both Max and Calvin are worried. Max gritted his teeth. While Calvin sweats)

Zigzagoon: “Zagoon…” (And falls. It s Knocked Out)

Max(shouts happily): “Hooraayy!!! I won!” (runs to Treecko and hugs it.) “Treecko! You are great battler!”

Treecko(smiles and says happily): “Treecko!”

(Calvin and Zigzagoon come to Max and Treecko)
Calvin: “Thank you for the battle Max. Your Treecko is really strong!”

Zigzagoon(says the same thing): “Zagoon!”

Treecko(rubs his head): “Tree-cko…” (And smiles)

Max: “Thanks. Your Zigzagoon is strong as well!”

Norman(applauses): ‘Great battle you two! It was exciting battle. So, Max, let’s go home, your Mom said I have challengers there.”

Max: “Okay daddy. Bye Calvin!”

Calvin “Bye Max. Thanks again!”

Max(To Treecko): “You deserve a good rest now.” (and returns Treecko)

(They sit in the car and drive to the Petalburg City)

The end of the 2nd chapter.

Dawn+Serena Fan
26th July 2012, 10:53 PM
Nice chapter! It was very good. I hope Max can find Ralts. Also good battle between Calvin and Max, I enjoyed it.

Charizard-Fan
27th July 2012, 8:15 PM
I agree with thehydrator. Very good chapter. :)

momomon
27th July 2012, 9:45 PM
Very nice chapter! Max sure knows what he's doing!

RealRaymon
29th July 2012, 8:04 PM
Dear readers!
Added Chapter List, so you can click in the 1st post on every chapter I posted(I only have 2 now though)
Enjoy reading and comment if you like!)

Princess Raspberyl
29th July 2012, 9:43 PM
Good story, I really like it so far ^^ May I be added to the PM list please? :3 Sorry for no collective criticism to help you get better or anything, I'm really not so good at that ^^;

RealRaymon
29th July 2012, 9:45 PM
Good story, I really like it so far ^^ May I be added to the PM list please? :3 Sorry for no collective criticism to help you get better or anything, I'm really not so good at that ^^;
Sure, I'll add you and thanks)

dirkac
30th July 2012, 10:37 AM
Wow, you got a really good story here! Could I be added to the PM list too?
Sorry for no critisizm, I suck at that.

RealRaymon
30th July 2012, 9:10 PM
Wow, you got a really good story here! Could I be added to the PM list too?
Sorry for no critisizm, I suck at that.
Thanks)
And sure, I'll add you, thanks for reading and commenting)

For no criticism, it's okay

Dawn and Piplup
30th July 2012, 10:09 PM
The chapter was great! It reminded me of the anime! :)
I really liked it and I am glad Max won his battle. I can't wait for him to get ralts!

RealRaymon
31st July 2012, 11:34 PM
Hi dear readers!)I made a new chapter, it is not big as others, so feel comfortable to read it and enjoy it)

The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the start is!

(Norman and Max are driving in the car. It is evening, so it starts to get dark. Hopefully, the road to the Petalburg city is almost complete)

Norman(thinks and then says with a deep voice): “Max, you know, after we arrive to the Petalburg, I am going to continue my duty as a gym leader. And you will be on your own. What are you going to do?”

Max(takes a pause and answers) “I thought about that and you know, I want to become a great Pokemon Trainer, earn badges and enter the Hoenn League.”

Norman: “So, you want to become like…”

Max(interrupts) “Yes. And he promised to battle me, so I look forward to this day.”

Norman: “Listen, you should make Pokemon your friends, that is a secret to be a great trainer.”

Max: “Sure.” (and then says in a clever way) “And I should have a good battle strategy as well.”

Norman(laughs): “I don’t worry about that, Max. I know that you always think about that and you’ll be fine.”

Max(looks ahead and shouts as he notices a lot of lights that come out of the buildings): “Oh, we are close to our home!”

Norman(nods): “Yes, pretty soon we’ll be home.”

(After few minutes they arrive to the huge building, that looks like a little two-floor palace, that is made in eastern style. They go upstairs and Norman opens the door. They are at the Petalburg Gym. As soon as they enter, Max and Norman notice that it smells something tasty and that Caroline makes supper)

Max(runs to Caroline): “Mommy!” (hugs her)

Caroline(smiles and hugs him as well): “Max, I glad you are back. I made you your best dishes.”

Norman (comes in): “Hi, dear”

(Caroline says the same)

Max: “Mom, I want to show you something!”

Caroline: (thrilled): “Oh, I am thrilled. So, what is it?”

Max(smiles): “Ok!” (takes his Pokeball) “Go, Treecko!”

Treecko(appears and smiles as usual): “Treecko!!”

Caroline(looks at it): “Ah! Look at that sweet face and smile. How are you today?”

Treecko(says happily): “Treecko! Tree!”

Max(confidently): “I picked the coolest Pokemon!”

Norman(looks at Max): “Yes, and I would say that your Treecko is a jolly Pokemon! He is always in a good mood. A special and great Pokemon!”

Treecko(embarrassed): “Tree…..”(and smiles as well)

Caroline(smells): “The supper is ready! Who wants to eat?”

All(shout): “Me!”

(Caroline serves the plates, folks and other stuff and after all is served, goes to Treecko)

Caroline: “Here is something special for you.”

(She gives it special Pokemon food, that is seasoned(or spiced) with different herbs, that grass Pokemon like)

Treecko(chews and then exclaims): “Treecko!”

(They eat food and the conversation begins)

Caroline(to Max): “Dear, do you know what do you want to do from tomorrow? Would you help your father at gym or the garden or would you like to start your journey?”

Max: “I would like to start training and I would battle a lot of trainers and I want to enter the Hoenn league and I hope I’ll do well there.”

Caroline(says with a serious voice): “I am sure about that.” (Then thinks) “I have talked to May today and she says that she’ll enter the Sinnoh grand festival soon.”

Norman: “That’s good news. How many ribbons does she have?”

Caroline: “Four already.”

(Then they talk about some other stuff and all ends at moment when Max lies in his bad and watches at the dark sky, covered with stars)

Max(dreaming): “I did it! I won!” (and smiles)

(Then the early morning, and Max stands near the door with Treecko and both Norman and Caroline see Max and his Treecko off)

Norman: “Good luck on your journey! I know you’ll do great! I am so happy that my son is so old to do that” (and stares at him in some kind of proud way)

Caroline(sadly): “My sweet baby leaves…Well, I know that you should do that…” (Than smiles, because she imagines that Max becomes great Trainer) “Don’t forget about us, visit sometimes!”

(Max and Norman looked after that at each other and smile) *

Caroline(surprisingly): “What is with you both?”

They: “Nothing. You’ll see in the near future”

Norman(after a short period of time): “So, I guess that it is time to go for you, Max.”

(Max nods)

Max: “So, bye Daddy, Mommy. I know that you’ll be proud of me.”

Norman and Caroline: “We are already proud of you.”

(Max smiles and leaves. Norman and Caroline wave their hands and see Max off. Then Treecko looks at Max and notices that Max is thinking about something)

Max: “So, what is next? Petalburg woods are ahead Treecko!”

Treecko: “Treecko.”

(But Max is still thinking about something…) *

The end of 3rd chapter.

--------------------------------------------------
*)They smiled because they understood that Max pretty soon should challenge Norman)

*)Because of his past experience with a lot of Tailow

Charizard-Fan
31st July 2012, 11:57 PM
Good chapter, although I think the second chapter was better. It had more action and all but anyway, this chapter was a nice way to start Max's journey into the Hoenn League. :)

RealRaymon
1st August 2012, 12:03 AM
Good chapter, although I think the second chapter was better. It had more action and all but anyway, this chapter was a nice way to start Max's journey into the Hoenn League. :)
Thanks)
Yeah, it is not so big as previous chapters, but I didn't see much action at Petalbrg City yet, and with a new large chapter coming, I wanted to start Max's Journey going)

ThisIsPatrick
1st August 2012, 12:12 AM
Nice chapter, short and sweet. A nice way to have Max set off into the Hoenn Region. Its good that you put a short chapter in that explains more and isnt all action. PM list please :D

momomon
1st August 2012, 12:19 AM
Nice way to start his journey. I actually want to see his battle with Ash!

dirkac
1st August 2012, 12:31 AM
Like the subtle notice to Ash without actually mentioning his name.
Thought it was a great way to start the (real) beginning of Max's Pokemon journey!

RealRaymon
1st August 2012, 11:27 AM
Thanks to all of you)

PM list please :D
Sure:)

RealRaymon
1st August 2012, 2:20 PM
Added author notes after the end of 3rd chapter

Dawn+Serena Fan
1st August 2012, 9:30 PM
Good chapter, though not really much going on here it seems. It's still good and I enjoyed it.

RealRaymon
2nd August 2012, 4:21 PM
The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!

(Max and Treecko go through many fields, where many plants and berries grow. They see that Petalburg Woods are not far away, but Max goes to these plants)

Max: “Berries! It is good that we found them as we need more food.” (Looks at Treecko and Treecko nods) “I don’t want to be hungry again.”

Treecko(surprised): “Tree?”

Max(remembers): “Yes, that was a situation in the past…I and two my friends walked through the Petalburg woods and…”

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ash: “Well, I think that we can hunt Pokemon better on a full stomach anyway.”

Max: “Yes, and I was getting hungry.”

May: “I am so hungry that I can eat anything!”

(Then all of them smile and after a short pause they realize that they have nothing to eat)

All(shout): “You mean…We don’t have lunch??!!!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Max(laughs): “Haha! That was funny/ Do you agree with me?”(looks at Treecko)

Treecko(nods): “Treecko!”

(By the way, they were standing near berry plants. Max carefully studied these berries)

Max(carefully watches at different berry plants): “Well, look at these berries!”

(He looked that there were many berries growing on the fields, but they were wild berries. He looked at bright red Berry plant. It smelled spicy and had a provocative flavor)

Max(exclaims): “Oh! It’s a Cherri berry! So spicy! They may be helpful”

(Then he saw pink berries)

Max: “Pecha berries! Treecko, try one!

Treecko(eats it): “Treecko!” (shows that they are very sweet and delicious)

Max: “And here are Oran berries”

(Walks to them and smells them)

Max: “It has a wondrous mix of flavors! Oh, something rustles here.”

(Wild Wurmple crawls on the plant)

Max: “A Wurmple!” (Then takes his Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Wurmple, the Worm Pokémon. Wurmple live primarily off of sap from trees. The suction cups on its feet keep it from slipping. It lives among the tall grass and in forests.”

Max(To Treecko): “Well, Treecko, let’s take some of these berries! ”

Treecko(agrees): “Treecko!’

(Then he jumps on these plants/trees and takes some berries. Then they take these berries. About 3 berries of each kind. Then they take theirselves to Petalburg Woods. They go there and they come to a quiet place where there are no Pokemon)

Max(surprised): “I wonder where all Pokemon have gone?”

Treecko(surprised as well): “Ckooo?”

(Then they step through the bushes and see that one Pokemon lies on the field. Max is surprised and runs towards it.)

Max(looks at it): “Oh, it is very hurt!”(Touches it and sees that its face is pink)

Treecko(worried): “Treecko…”

Max(calms it): “I know what’s the problem. It is poisoned. ” (thinks): “Of course, I have something for you!”
(gives the Pokemon a Pecha berry. It eats it very slowly. Than it becomes stronger)

Taillow: “Taillow!”

(Max checks his Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Taillow, the Tinyswallow Pokémon. Taillow has a fierce personality, never backing down, even against the most powerful opponents.”

Tailow(flies and says like “Thank you”): “Taillow!”(and flies away)

Max: “So, why was it poisoned?” (thinks about it) “Well, it might have been attacked by someone” (To Treecko) “Well, pal, let’s take a break.”

Treecko(nods): “Treecko.”

(They sit on the stump. Max takes his bag and searches for something.)

Max(finally finds what he looked for): “I found it! Treecko, take this!” (breaks off a piece of chocolate and gives it to Treecko)

Treecko(takes): “Tree!”

(Treecko wants to bite, but suddenly they hear loud rustling in bushes. The pink sharped stings head into them and explode)

Max: “What is that?”

(The Pokemon with purple bodies, yellow eyes, with black dots and green wings, covered with red circles appear)

(Max checks Dex)

Pokedex: “Dustox, the Toxic Moth Pokémon. When Dustox is flapping its wings, it will scatter a poison dust.”

Dustox(to Treecko): “Dustox!”

Treecko(refuses): “Treecko!”

Dustox: “Tox!”(its eyes glow in different colours and beam is headed into Treecko)

Max(shouts): “Dodge that and Pound!”

(Treecko dodges and nails Pound)

Dustox(takes a hit): “Du-uustox…Dustox!”(and uses Poison Sting)

(Treecko dodges again)

Max: “Treecko! Climb on the tree!”

Treecko: “Treecko!”

Max(confidently): “Use trees to take the speed up and use Pound with a spin!”

(Treecko does it and hits it very hard, so the Pokemon is knocked out)

Max: “Good job Treecko!”

Dustox(shouts): “Dustox!”

(Then two more Dustox fly to help its mate and use Poison Sting)

Max: “Treecko, use Bullet Seed!” (*)

(These attacks collide, they seem to be equal, but two attack are stronger and Treecko is damaged by a Poison Sting)

Treecko(hurt): “Cko…” (falls on the ground and shakes)

(Then Dustox, which was hurt flies up and they begin to use Psybeam)

Max: “No! (Protects Treecko)

???: “Heracross, Horn Attack!”

???: “Ariados, Spider Web!”

(Heracross smashes first Dustox with its horn, then Ariados immobilize the 2nd Dustox, but the 3rd Dustox unleashes the attack on Treecko, but suddenly…)

Taillow: “Taillow!” (uses Quick Attack, takes the hit and hits Dustox. All three Dustox escape and fly away)

Max(breathes calmly): “Whew! Thanks Taillow and you, guys…”

???(both): “No Problem!

Forrest: “Hi, I am Forrest!”

Forrester: “And I am Forrester!”

Max: “Hi! I am Max! Guys, you look the same to me!”

(Forrest has blue T-Shirt and Forrester orange)

Max(thinks, doesn’t say anything): “I have a feeling I met these guys before…”

Forrest: “Well, your Treecko was attacked by the Dustox! Treecko, don’t move.” (Sprays a Potion on it)

(Treecko doesn’t like it, but it is healthy again)

Forrest(continues): “These Dustox do a lot of harm recently. They fight for food and try to steal it.”

Max(to Taillow): “So, you were attacked by them?”

Taillow(nods): “L-loww.”

Max: “We should stop that!”

Forrester: “But how?”

Max(his glasses shine): “I have an idea!”

They both: “What is it?”

Max: “Do you know, where they live?”

Forrest: “Yes, but we are not sure… Ok, let’s go then…”

(They head to the river, than climbed over the mountain and saw a big tree and see a lot of Dustox)

Dustox: “Dustox!” (warn the intruders)

Max: “Oh, yeah! Why you steal food from other Pokemon?”

(Dustox started attacking)

Max: “Oh yeah! We’ll fight too!”

(The battle between Treecko and Dustox starts, but is interrupted when a flock of Taillow come and fight these Dustox. The battle is fierce and Max runs in the middle of that)

Max(shouts): “Stop that!”

(For some reason they stop fighting and listen to Max)

Max(goes on): “What’s the point of battling! There is a lot of food for anyone here! Dustox, why are you fighting?”

(Dustox fly to the tree and calls for someone…a lot of Wurmples swing out)

Forrester: “So! That’s the reason! So, you shouldn’t be frightened, nobody will hurt your babies, right Taillow?”

Taillow(all agree): “Low!”

(Dustox and Wurmple smile)

Forrest(to Dustox): “So, are your bad actions over?”

Dustox(nod): “Dustox!”

(Suddenly the Tree is attacked by the helicopter. Dustox and Taillow don’t like that and they want to attack this flying machine and suddenly are caught in a big net)

???: “Haha! I knew we catch them in that way!”

Max, Forrest, Forrester: “How dare you?! You can’t steal these Pokemon!”

???: “Why can’t? It is our speciality!”

???: Prepare for trouble...

???: ...and make it double!

???: To infect the world with devastation!

???: To blight all people in every nation!

???: To denounce the goodness of truth and love!

???: To extend our wrath to the stars above!

Cassidy: Cassidy!

Butch: And Butch, of course!

Cassidy: We're Team Rocket, circling Earth all day and all night!

Butch: Surrender to us now or you will surely lose the fight!

(The chapter ends while Max, Forrest and Forrester are worried and don’t know what to do and Cassidy and Butch look cunningly and smile)

The end of the 4th chapter.

---------------------------------------------------

(*) - Bullet Seed was the 3rd move(and last) Treecko known but he didn't use it before

Charizard-Fan
2nd August 2012, 4:35 PM
Good chapter and the best part was the ending.

momomon
2nd August 2012, 6:06 PM
Nice chapter! I like how you brought in Forest and Forrester as well as Cassidy and Budd (JK Butch!). I was surprised cause I was expecting Meowth and his gang

Dawn+Serena Fan
2nd August 2012, 7:59 PM
Great chapter! Cassidy and Biff return! XD

RealRaymon
2nd August 2012, 11:12 PM
By the way, who doesn't remember Forrest and Forrester:
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Forrester
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Forrest_Franklin

RealRaymon
3rd August 2012, 4:13 PM
Here is the new chapter!) Enjoy it!

The 5th Chapter: A road to success!

Max: “Oh no! It’s Cassidy”

Forrest: “And Bike!”

Butch(angry): “My name is Butch, not bike, don’t you listen to the motto?!”

Cassidy: “Whatever? Let’s head to the boss”

Forrest: “No way!” (To Heracross) “Break this net Heracross!”

Heracross: “Herra!”

(Heracross flies to the Helicopter)

Cassidy(laughs): “Not gonna happen! Go, Murkrow!”

Murkrow: “Murkrow!”

Cassidy(orders): “Use Aerial Ace!”

(Murkrow lands Aerial Ace and Heracross lands on earth, shaking to get up)

Forrest: “Oh, no!”

Cassidy: “Great job, Murkrow!”

(Murkrow sits while they try to escape)

Taillow: “Taillow!” (And flies to help its friends to get free)

Murkrow: “Murkrow!” (Uses Aerial Ace again)

Taillow(very confident): “Taillow” (its body glows white and it heads into Murkrow)

Max: “It’s an Aerial Ace! Awesome! This Taillow must be there leader as it knows this move already!”

(The two attacks collide and nobody wins, then the two birds strike again but with the same result)

Cassidy: “Why are you sitting? Help me, Beef!”

Butch: “The name’s Butch! …Ok, go!”

(Magnemite comes out of the Pokeball)

Butch: “Thunderbolt”

(Magnemite generates a ligtning bolt that strikes Taillow and Taillow heads into the ground. Max runs and saves it)

Taillow(opens eyes): “L-low?” (and flies up again)

Cassidy: “There’s no way you can stop us!”

Max: “Well, I have an idea…” (To Treecko): “Sit on Taillow!”

Treecko: “Ckoo!” (Sits on it and they fly away)

Forrest and Forrester: “We’ll help you with that!”

Forrest: “Heracross, help them!”

Forrester: “Yanma, go! Help them!”

Yanma: “Ya-aanma!”

(They head into the helicopter)

Cassidy: “Not so fast, Murkrow, Aerial Ace!”

Forrester: “Oh yeah? Yanma, use Screech!”

(A huge and loud soundwaves hit Cassidy and Butch as well and their Pokemon)

Butch(holds his ears): “My ears!”

Cassidy: “Mine too! This is awful!”

Max: “This is our time, Taillow! Break the net!”

Taillow: “Taillow!” (flies into it and its wings glow metallic grey)

Max(happily): “I know this Attack! Use Steel Wing, Taillow!”

Taillow: “Low!”(Flies at amazing speed and breaks the net. Dustox and Taillow are free again)

Cassidy and Butch(angry and frightened): “Well, we can’t lose!”

Cassidy: “Use Dark Pulse”

Butch: “Thunderbolt!”

Max: “Bullet Seed Treecko!”

Treecko: “Treecko!-cko-cko-cko…”

Forrester(to Yanma): “Sonicboom!”

Forrest(to Heracross): “Hyper Beam!”

(Dustox use Signal Beam and Taillow use gust and make the attacks even faster and more powerful as they overpower Thunderbolt and Dark Pulse and send the Thieves soaring)

Cassidy: “Oh no! We lost again Budd…”

Butch: “I’ll change my name but now, we…”

Both: “blasting off again!”(they fly as the white star appeared as they flyy away)

Max, Forrest, Forrester: “Allright!”

(Dustox and Taillow are happy. Then they take off to the scene where is the sunset and The Taillow live happily with the Dustox)

Max: “It’s getting dark now, let’s find a place for a sleep!”

Forrester: “Ok!”

(They find a place, it is dark and they are sitting around a bonfire and are drinking a hot chocolate)

Forrest: “Well, Max. Where are you from?”

Max: “From Petalburg City. And you guys?”

Forrest: “From near Rustboro City.”

Max(to both): “I have a feeling I met you before. Can’t remember when.”

They: “Hmmm…It is interesting, but we don’t remember you either..”

Max(thinks): “No…I remember you. Oh yeah!” (remembers)

(Forrest and Forrester surprised and look at Max)

Max: “Someone helped my sister to catch a Wurmple and the other of you battled against Pikachu and Treecko”

(Forrest and Forrester think and suddenly remember that day)

Forrest: “Yeah! I remember it.”

Forrester: “Me too! That battle was so intensive I can’t forget it!”

Forrest: “And you must have been the little brother of her?”

Max(nods): “I am.” (smiles)

Forrest: “So, what a reunion!”

Forrester: “Max, what do you want to do now?”

Max: “I want to become a great Pokemon Trainer, earn badges and enter the Hoenn League.”

Forrest: “Great! I wanted to travel and see the beautiful places of the Hoenn region, but actually returned because I felt alone…”

Forrester: “And I just want to protect these Woods and which are nearby as a ranger does.”

Max: “You are a ranger?”

(Forrester nods)

Max: “That’s cool!”

Forrester: “So Max, where are you heading next?”

Max: “Well, I want to sail to the Sootopolis City”

Forrest: ‘So cool! Max, can I ask you a favor?”

Max: “Ok…”

Forrest: “Can I travel with you? I hope we’ll have fun together and I’ll finally see a lot of places like I wanted!”

Max(agrees): “Sure! I think it will be fun as well! And you, Forrester?”

Forrester: “Well, I can’t. I want to protect the woods.”

Max: “Oh, ok!”

(Then they talk about different stuff and then fall asleep and wake up and head out of Petalburg woods. Forrester is standing to see off the other two, while they are suddenly surprised as a flock of Taillow comes to see them)

Max: “Taillow? What are they doing here?”

(Then one Taillow flies to Max and says something)

Forrester: “I guess it is saying it wants to go with you.”

Max(asks): “Is it so, Taillow?”

Taillow(nods): “L-low!”

Max(smiles): “That’s great! Go, Pokeball!”

(Pokeball hits Taillow, falls on the Max’s hand and shows that Taillow is caught)

Max(shouts): “All right! I caught a Taillow!”

(Three boys smile and they see off each other)

Forrest: “Goodbye, brother! Take care!”

Forrester: “You too! And good luck, Max!”

Max: “Thanks, you too!”

(And Max and his new friend head off to a Rustboro City, where Max can meet his friend and sail to the Sootopolis City)

The end of the 5th Chapter.

dirkac
3rd August 2012, 9:23 PM
4th chapter: I literally LOL'ed when you put the hungry thingie in, loved the ending!
5th chapter: liked that Max didn't actually recognize them till now, and wow, Sootopolis? Your setting your own order of gyms!

PS srry I didn't rate the previous chapter, we're travelling, so no internet.

RealRaymon
3rd August 2012, 9:49 PM
4th chapter: I literally LOL'ed when you put the hungry thingie in, loved the ending!
5th chapter: liked that Max didn't actually recognize them till now, and wow, Sootopolis? Your setting your own order of gyms!

PS srry I didn't rate the previous chapter, we're travelling, so no internet.
Thanks)
Yeah, my own order of gyms)

It's okay(about no Internet)

P.S.I am still waiting for other readers to comment on these chapters

Chibi_Muffin
3rd August 2012, 10:18 PM
It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!

pacman72
3rd August 2012, 10:40 PM
Nice:), pretty well done.

Charizard-Fan
3rd August 2012, 11:25 PM
Great chapter! It was nice that Max got a new travelling partner and that he caught a Taillow! :)

RealRaymon
4th August 2012, 12:01 AM
It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!

THANK YOU FOR VERY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT)
Please answer some of my questions(remarks):
1)I didn't want to use Team Rocket commonly, I used them just so Max could save and catch Tailow
2)Can you write more about stage directions and description?
I use stages directions and description in those things (....), but I can't use it too common, because I feel my fic can become boring and difficult to read and it doesn't do well in scripts fics. So, I make my fic easier to read nd to follow:)
3)I made a lot of interactions, didn't I?


Nice:), pretty well done.
Thanks, shall I add you to a PM list?)

Thanks like always, Vaino)

Chibi_Muffin
4th August 2012, 12:23 AM
In answer to your VM, no thanks, I don't want to be on the PM list. It's not that I'm uninterested in your fanfic, but I'll most likely see if you've updated anyway, so I don't need to have a PM.

1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.

2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.

3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.

RealRaymon
4th August 2012, 12:29 AM
1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.

2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.

3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.

1)I agree, I meant they won't be like in every chapter like in the show

2)Understood, thanks)

3)I know, but my characters at the beginning won't differ much)But later they would differ

Anyway, thanks for help!

ThisIsPatrick
4th August 2012, 2:19 AM
4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.

5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!

RealRaymon
4th August 2012, 10:16 AM
4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.
5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!
Thanks)and you'll sure see more

Dawn+Serena Fan
5th August 2012, 12:18 AM
Great chapter! Lol at everyone getting Biff-I mean Butches name wrong.
And nice that Max gets a Taillow.

RealRaymon
5th August 2012, 9:33 PM
Hi everyone! Gonna update new chapter soon!
But news: the 6th chapter will be called "The Master Quiz!"
Amd it will be the 1st chapter, where will be images of(I won't say it) :)
And they would be very useful))not for me, but for you)

So, good luck and I hope you'll check out my new chapter!

Princess Raspberyl
6th August 2012, 8:50 AM
Must admit, I was surprised when Cassidy and Butch Biff showed up. :P Didn't expect that, but yays for surprises~ Good chapters so far. :3 (Again, I suck at criticism, so sorry ^^;.)

TheSirPeras
6th August 2012, 7:17 PM
This is great! You're really good with this :D I love how Max just wants to skip every gym it could go to and meet Ralts ASAP! :D
Great job so far!!!

Sid87
7th August 2012, 10:51 AM
Hey, I'm finally getting a chance to skim through this, and I thought I'd give you the biggest piece of advice I can think of before getting too far in-depth (it's 4:30 in the morning here, heh):

I get that you got permission to do script format for your story, and that's cool, but if you are going to write in script, it should be with some sort of purpose. Script is GENERALLY a terrible way to tell a story because there's no narration, so it reads basically as "dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, brief description of some relevant action, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue". It leaves a reader feeling much less invested in the characters because the reader isn't getting any insight into anyone's perspective.

What I mean as far as doing script "with a purpose" is that there are only a few reasons people ever write in script format, and none of them are for people to read alone. They write script to describe scene content to either an artist (comic books or other illustrated works) or a performer (television show or movie or play). Those kinds of scripting are all different formatically (I just made that word up, bear with me), because they are conveying different things. A comic book script is done to describe a page layout to an artist and what should be drawn to focus the reader on. A TV/movie/play script is going to be full of direction for actors and actresses, as well as descriptions of setting, with the key difference being that a TV/movie script will also have directions for what the camera is focusing on while a play script with have directions for what characters who aren't the focal point of a scene will be doing when the audience's attention is on something else. A script for an animated show or movie is going to be a combination of comic book (describing for an artist to draw what needs to be shown) and TV/movie (describing for voice actors how they need to present their emotions).

Okay, I feel like I'm rambling and not making much sense at 4am, so I'm going to try to be a little clearer:

If you want to write something in script, you should decide its purpose. Do you imagine your story as a play for a live audience? Or a comic book? Or a television show? Or a movie? If it is a movie or a television show, is it animated or live action? I'm sure you have an idea in your head of how this story "presents", so go with that. When you have that decision, I'd do some research on that format of script (they are all different) and work your story that way (some noteworthy differences: comic books have page layout directions; plays have stage directions; a movie will have setting descriptions).

I think that when your story is scripted with a purpose towards a format, it will read a lot more fluidly. I honestly, wholly just feel that script as a format for a narrative story is ineffectual. As I said, it doesn't allow the reader to get as enveloped in any of the characters, because everything feels like it is happening without much of a purpose. How does anyone feel? Is there any innermost thought process?

I took the liberty of looking up some sites that give various kinds of scripting format advice, so I hope you don't mind:

Comic books (http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtovformatcomicbooks)

Movies/TV format (there is a LOT of info here and it's all broken apart, so it can feel like you're drowning in it, but if you are patient enough to read it all, it's pretty good) (http://www.screenwriting.info/)

Play/theater (http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatastageplay)

Hopefully that will be a good start.

So, yeah. I actually didn't talk about the STORY at all, did I? I thought this was a bit more important. :) And now it's 5am, so I am going back to bed. With any luck, I'll get to come back and say something about the actual story going on here later.

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 11:14 AM
Sid87, thank you a lot for this post!
Actually, I don't plan something serious like a book, or a movie, it's just for fun)

Actually, before writing it, I wanted to write it in a script way, but now I think that it is easier to write in different way, but as it too Late to change anything, I'll keep writing in script format and change it from the new part of Fic, which is not soon(

Thanks for the links, I'll check it and last but not least, I'll try to describe as much as I coulld, so wait for the new chapter!)


This is great! You're really good with this :D I love how Max just wants to skip every gym it could go to and meet Ralts ASAP! :D
Great job so far!!!
Thanks:)
Well, not every gym, but it won't take long beforee he takes Ralts)

Sid87
7th August 2012, 1:33 PM
Oh, I get that you probably didn't have any great design on turning this into a play or manga or a movie, but I still just mean that if you pick a format and role with that, it will help readers get an even better visual for your story. We'll see it as a show or a comic or something rather than just as a bunch of dialogue one after another. :)

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 1:37 PM
We'll see it as a show or a comic or something rather than just as a bunch of dialogue one after another. :)
Well, it is not a bunch of a dialogue)It is like show, but not with ash, with Max as a main character:)

I hope you'll read the next chapter as it will be the most interesting for readers and you'll see why)

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 2:05 PM
Hi! My dear readers) I post a new chapter. It will be a huge one, and as it has a Quiz, you may participate in it!)
Just answer the questions an test yourselves)
So, here it is!)


The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
(Max and Forrest come out of the forest and, finally, they see Rustboro City ahead of them. There a lot of modern high buildings and as soon they go into the city, they see that the Pokemon Center is not far ahead)

Max(with full of joy and energy): “Oh, It’s the Pokemon Center!”(points at it)

Forrest(agrees): “Yes.” (To Max) “Max, have you been here before?”

Max: “Sure, I was!”

Forrest(says very gently): “So, do you know that there is a gym here?”

Max(says with a little bit irritating voice): “Yeah, so what’s up?”

Forrest(impatiently): “So, would you challenge this gym leader? Would you?”

Max(thinking): “Well, I haven’t thought about that.”

(While Max is thinking, they approach to a beautiful white building with a large display at the top, large Poster, showing Beautifly, using Silver Wind and Spoink, which is bouncing on its tail at the background, and a girl with orange hair and microphone in her hands. They see the sign above poster, where is written with large pink letters: “Pokemon Contest, Rustboro City, starts next week”)

Max(looks at it and he really likes it building as it eyes are shining when he look at it): “What a magnificent building! And look at the poster. Two Pokemon are there: Spoink and Beautifly! Let’s check these Pokemon!”

Forrest(doesn’t understand and asks Max): “What do you mean by checking?”

Max(takes Pokedex out of his back): “Look here!”

(Max looks at it and Forrest looks and shouts)

Forrest: “Oh a Pokedex! I’ve always wanted one!”

Max(smiles as he is proud that he has Pokedex): “By checking I mean that I check the Pokemon I want using my device.”

Forrest(understand): “So, we gonna check these Pokemon, won’t we?”

Max: “Yeah!” (checks the data)

Pokedex: “Beautifly, the Butterfly Pokémon, and the evolved form of Silcoon. When flowers are in bloom, Beautifly fly about gathering pollen.
Spoink, the Bounce Pokémon. Spoink bounces about on its tail. The pearl upon its head helps to magnify its psychic powers. If a Spoink loses its pearl, it grows extremely tired.”

Max: “Cool!” (looks at the Poster) “Hey, I know her, it’s Vivian!”

Forrest(surprisingly): “Vivian, who is it?”

Max: “You don’t know? Forrest, you must have been in forests for a long time.” (and laughs)

Forrest(with a -_- face): “Ha-ha, funny…Well, seriously?”

Max: “She is the master of ceremonies.”

Forrest: “Very interesting! Well, you’ll tell me about it later!”

Max: “Sure! So, I was thinking about the gym battle…”(thinks)“Well, the Rustboro gym leader is Roxanne, and she uses Rock-types. I do have a Treecko, who is a good choice, but Tailow is a flying type and may have troubles with it…”

Forrest: “Yes, but you forgot that Tailow has a secret weapon…”

Max: “A secret weapon?” (takes a pause) “Oh, certainly! Steel Wing is super-effective! So, I can give it a shot!”

Forrest: “Well, let’s get going!”

Max: “Okay…”

(They go to the Rustboro City gym. As they come close to it, they see that a sign is hanging on the door of the large, rock-like house)

Max(excited): “That’s the Rustboro City gym!”

Forrest: “Well yeah, but there is a sign on the door.” (Comes and reads it as Max listens attentively) “Dear Challengers, the Rustboro City gym will be closed today as the Master Quiz is taking place at the Rustboro City School. Yours faithfully, Roxanne.”

Max(surprised): “Closed? Oh, no. What should we do?” (thinks) “Oh! I know! We can and participate in that Quiz. Well, let’s go there immediately!”

Forrest: “Sure.”

(They come to the old, brown building and they come in. After some unsuccessful tries to find Roxanne, they see her standing in the hallway. Roxanne is talking to one of her students)

Max(comes to her): “Hi, ms. Roxanne! I...”

Roxanne: “Hi Max!”

Max(very surprised): “How do you recognize me after all this time?”

Roxanne(smiles and answers with a soft voice): “I remember all of my students here.” (looks at Forrest) “And you must be…”

Forrest: “I am Forrest Franklin.”

Roxanne: “Nice to meet you. So, what do you want to ask me?”

Max(starts talking, barely giving her a chance to finish her sentence): “We want to participate in today’s Quiz… Can you let us in?”

Roxanne(nods): “You are just in time. Of course, the entry is for everyone.”

Max(asks): “Tell me please, how you gonna rate our answers and on what topics would they be?”

Roxanne: “That’s a secret.” (smiles)

Forrest: “and when should we start?”

Roxanne: “in 15 minutes”

Max(with relief): “Well, good timing…”
(As Roxanne goes out, Max suddenly remembers and asks her)

Max: “Ms. Roxanne?”

Roxanne(turns back): “Yes, Max?”

Max: “After all that, I want to challenge you to a battle!”

Roxanne(with a kind face): “Sure, Max! We’ll battle tomorrow, okay?”

Max(happily): “That’s fine! So, would we go to the quizroom together?”

Roxanne: “Okay.”

(They go upstairs and enter a huge classroom, where are a lot of students and it is a large screen in front of them. Max and Forrest take their place somewhere in the middle as Roxanne comes and starts the thing)

Roxanne: “Hi, dear students!”

Class(answers back with the same tone of voice): “Hi, ms. Roxanne!”

Roxanne(explains all carefully): “Today, we’ll have a Quiz! It will consist of 5 questions. They will be very interesting, educative and check your erudition. All you should do is to answer the questions correctly. The answers you’ll write here…”(gives the paper to all students and pens if necessary). I wish you all best luck! And let’s begin!”

(there is a silence in the classroom as they all prepare and wait)

Roxanne: “The first question…” (as she talks the image appears on the screen) “To which Pokemon does it belong to?”
http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/1958/44725485.jpg

(The class starts talking quietly and writing. Max is thinking, while Forrest has already written the answer. Max finally made up his mind.)

Roxanne: “It’s time for the second task. Write, which grass Pokemon in the Hoenn region is not weak against fire-type attacks?”

(Class starts writing again, as Max has immediately written the answer)
Max(proud of himself): “Well, that was easy.”

Forrest: “Maybe this one, no it’s weak….Common, Forrest, show you what’s you made of!”

Roxanne: “Here is the 3rd question…”(while the screen shows another picture) “Write please, what Pokemon or part of it is shown on the picture?”
http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/7597/wttp.jpg

(It becomes quiet in the class and all, even Max, think about it)

Max: “That’s definitely the part of Pokemon…It may be the head of Sceptile or it is…”

Forrest: “That’s interesting…May be it is rotated…”(turns his head and finally sees that picture)
http://img802.imageshack.us/img802/6593/wttp2.jpg
“Oh, that’s definitely a Tailow, I see its beak and wing”
(Roxanne gives more time on this question, but then starts another)

Roxanne: “The fourth task, as we know, Swampert is a partly ground Pokemon, so electric type-attacks won’t work. Write please, would electric attack have any effect on Mudkip?”

(The class writes the answer and Roxanne starts again)

Roxanne: “The time for the final question! Who is that Pokemon or part of it?”(shows the Picture)
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/2711/72381778.jpg

Max: “Wow! It’s funny!”(writes the answer)

Forrest(dissatisfied): “not again…”

Roxanne: “The time for the answers! But first, hand in your papers…” (the class gives her them) “Well, the answer on the 1st question…(as the screen starts to show the pictures) “… to which Pokemon does it belong to? Is a Spoink.” (shows the whole image)
http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/7156/spoink1.jpg

Max and Forrest: “Yeah! We are correct”

Roxanne: “The answer on the second one, which was: which grass Pokemon in the Hoenn region is not weak against fire-type attacks, is either one of Lotad, Lombre or Ludicolo. they are not weak to fire as they are water-types too.”

Max(touches his glasses): “Correct again. I have written all three of them.”

Forrest: “I wrote Lotad, so I am correct as well.”

Roxanne: “The answer on the 3rd task: what Pokemon or part of it is shown on the picture is a Slugma! Look at the picture!”
http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/1587/218k.png

Most of the class: “Whoooahh!…”

Forrest(sadly): “That’s not a Tailow….”

Max: “hehehe…Correct again. Luckily, but okay.”

Roxanne: “the 4th task answer is that electric attacks would have effect on Mudkip as it is only water type and gains the 2nd, the ground type, after evolving.”

Max: “That was not difficult”

Forrest: “Yay!”

Roxanne: “And the answer on the last task was….A Flygon! Look at the picture…”
http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/4070/330t.png

Max(jumps out of his seat): “I knew it was it! Yes!”

Roxanne(looks at Max): “Urg-hmm.”

Max: “Oh, I am very sorry..” (sits again)

Roxanne: “Now, I’ll count the results, while you can sit here or go and do something. It will take me about 15 minutes.”

(Almost a whole class goes out, Max and Forrest as well, all they talk about the questions)

The 1st boy(I knew I should describe him, but it doesn’t matter how he looks, just imagine it): “What questions…I can’t guess correctly Slugma or Flygon’s tail.”

The 2nd boy: “I guessed Flygon, but I forgot that Mudkip is not a ground…But other questions were easy”

The 1st girl: “Yeah! But for the moment, I thought it was a Clamper’s Pearl, they are soo adorable! ”

Max: “Well yes, but they have white pearls, not pink.”

Forrest: “Guys, what did you think about Flygon’s tail?”

The 2nd girl: “I thought it was a Combusken’s head..”

The 2nd boy: “Oh Torchic’s…”

The 1st boy: “Oh a hand of Shiftry…”

(As the time comes, they go into the classroom and wait for others, and as all come, Roxanne declares the results and he winner)

(Roxanne tells the results and announces the champion)

Roxanne(taking something out of her bag): “and the winner is Max, he is the only person to answer all the questions correctly!”

The whole class: “Congratulations, Max!”

Max(happily): “Thanks, all of you!”

Roxanne(gives Max a white, heart-like scale): “I present you a heart-scale!”

Max: “Thank you, it is so beautiful!”

Roxanne(to class): “Dear class, and I want to tell, that tomorrow I and Max will have a gym battle and you can watch it through our TV!”

Class(happily): “Hoooray!!”

(As all ends, Max and Forrest come out of the school. It is late and is getting dark quickly)

Forrest(looks at the sky): “It is getting dark. Let’s find a place to sleep.”

Max: “We can go to the Pokemon Center.”

(They go to the a white building with a large Pokeball-like roof. As they go in, they see the familiar smiling face)

???: “Hi!”

Max and Forrest: “Hi, Nurse Joy!!”

Nurse Joy: “Can I help you?”

Max: “Yes, we are looking for a place to have a night.”

Nurse Joy: “Oh, I’ll help you. We have free rooms upstairs.”

Max: “Oh, thank you!”

Nurse Joy: “You are welcome! Chansey, show them the room!”

Chansey: “Chansey!”

(Max acts like always)

Pokedex: “Chansey, the Egg Pokémon. Chansey is a kind Pokémon who shares its egg with those who are sick or injured.”

(Chansey shows them the room. It is a room, where is a bunk bed, a table an a chair)

Max and Forrest: “Thanks Chansey!”

Chansey(nods): “Chansey.”

(Max and Forrest take a place, turn the light off and soon Forrest is sleeping, while Max imagine how his battle will be going on)

The end of 6th Chapter.

Charizard-Fan
7th August 2012, 2:43 PM
Good chapter. It was good that we saw Max's huge knowledge about Pokemon in this chapter. And I can't wait to see the gym battle between Max and Roxanne.

dirkac
7th August 2012, 2:51 PM
Yay! Got them all right!

Errr... So anyway, lovend that you put something interactive in, it shows a great story/fanfic/whatchamacalit.

PS is it okay if I put a link to the first page for advertisement?

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 3:28 PM
Thanks, and yes, it is okay)(about the link)

Dawn+Serena Fan
7th August 2012, 3:39 PM
Great chapter. I enjoyed the quiz.

momomon
7th August 2012, 4:16 PM
I really liked how the reader could also take the same quiz Max did. Unfortunately, I only got one question right....:'( But I really liked it!

Roromiya
7th August 2012, 7:25 PM
Great story! I got only got the first one right... hehe(;
Can you add me to the PM list please?

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 7:57 PM
Great story! I got only got the first one right... hehe(;
Can you add me to the PM list please?
Sure!)
Have you read the previous chapters?

Roromiya
7th August 2012, 10:05 PM
Sure!)
Have you read the previous chapters?

yep, I read all of them (:

CovertNinja
7th August 2012, 10:45 PM
Can you add me to the PM list please? I am really enjoying it! I know this is the Hoenn region and all, but I think it would be cool if Max got an egg that hatched into a Sinnoh or Unova Pokemon considering it would be a good learning experience for him, training a Pokemon he doesn't know much about.

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 10:51 PM
Can you add me to the PM list please? I am really enjoying it! I know this is the Hoenn region and all, but I think it would be cool if Max got an egg that hatched into a Sinnoh or Unova Pokemon considering it would be a good learning experience for him, training a Pokemon he doesn't know much about.
1)Sure!)I am really happy that you like it, my dear new follower:)

2)about egg, I have this idea in mind, but sadly he won't get my fav unova Pokemon(oshawott-Dewott), cause he would get Mudkip, who is one of my Hoenn favourites

By the way, have you read all chapters?)

CovertNinja
7th August 2012, 10:57 PM
Yes, I have read all the chapters! Since you bring Mudkipz into the mix, I hope he gets a Swampert :)

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 11:08 PM
Yes, I have read all the chapters! Since you bring Mudkipz into the mix, I hope he gets a Swampert :)
Well, I hope too)

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
7th August 2012, 11:32 PM
Hi!
Yeah, I liked the Pokemon Quiz chapter.
Thanks for the link to your fanfic, I love to read them and this is one of the most creative fanfic I've read. I love the references to the AG saga and sorry for the late reply, I thought it would be better to read your whole story so far rather than just that one chapter, in my free time.

RealRaymon
7th August 2012, 11:54 PM
Hi!
Yeah, I liked the Pokemon Quiz chapter.
Thanks for the link to your fanfic, I love to read them and this is one of the most creative fanfic I've read. I love the references to the AG saga and sorry for the late reply, I thought it would be better to read your whole story so far rather than just that one chapter, in my free time.
OK)thanks for the comment, glad you liked it!)

RealRaymon
8th August 2012, 2:27 AM
Wow! Had a chance to write a new chapter, and I did!)Also, want to note, I thought whether to divide gym battle in two chapters or not, but I'll divide into two, because it has enough size(the 1st part) for the chapter and it will be more interesting for you:)

So, here it is!

advice: while Max and Roxanne are battling, you can use this music)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eple8AkBZPg

The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!

(Max and Forrest are somewhere near Pokemon Center. The place is a little bit rocky, so Max is training with his Pokemon as he prepares for the upcoming gym battle. Forrest is sitting and watching all of this)

Max(yelling): “Treecko, use Bullet Seed! Tailow, Use Steel Wing!”

Treecko: "Treecko!"(jumps) “Cko-ko-ko-ko…”(and Treecko shoots out lightgreen seeds out of his mouth and they are fired into the rock)

Taillow(flies and its wings glow grey as he heads into the another boulder)

(As they continue, Taillow smashes the rock and Treecko’s Bullet Seed smashes the rock as well)

Max(yells one more time): “Treecko, do a Pound attack with a spin! Like you did before!”

Treecko(jumps and spins): “Tree-eee…”(smashes the boulder and crashes it. Then it looks at Max and smiles) “Treecko!”

Max: “That’s great!” (to Taillow) “Let’s do Steel Wing again, and even harder this time!”

Taillow(nods and flies again): “Taillow!” (flies at the rock) “loooow…”

Max: “Now spin!”

(Tailow spins and becomes a spinning threat that crashes the rock)

Taillow(flies to Max); “Taillow!”

Max: “That’s awesome job too, Taillow!” (to both of them) “Now, take it please” (gives them Pokemon food with grated Oran berries, which Max had earlier)

(Pokemon start eating and they really like it)

Taillow(like “yummy!”): “”Loww!

Treecko(eats and enjoys it): “Cko!”

Forrest: “They really like it!”

Max: “Yeah! Thank you for making it!”

Forrest: “No problem, Max! Hope you’ll win this battle!...as for the battle what strategy do you plan to use?”

Max: “I’ll start with Treecko, try to do my best and later I’ll use Taillow if Treecko would be in danger. And as you’ve seen, our spinning moves are really powerful!”

Forrest(agrees): “Yes, they really are!”

(As Pokemon finish eating, Max takes Heart Scale out of his bag and shows them)

Max: “See this Heart Scale?”

His Pokemon(nod): “Cko-Low”

Max: “Look, guys, as soon as we win our battles, we’ll go and meet our old friend…I really want you to win, and I hope we’ll work like one heart together!”

(Pokemon nod and become pumped)

Max(smiles): “Great! So, good luck to us!”(returns Pokemon and tells Forrest to go to the gym. As they approach the large, rock-like building, Max breathes deeply and says)

Max(with anticipation): “My first gym battle is on the way! I can’t believe it…I am ready to go!”(goes to the gym)

Forrest: “Wait for me, not so quick…Oh, whatever…”

(As they enter the gym, they see a large battlefield with a lot of rocks(boulders) on it. They see that some people clean up the field, as one of them comes to Max and Forrest and tells Max. He is happens to be the Rustboro city judge, or assistant)

Judge: “We’ve waited for you. I wish you luck, Max!”

Max: “Thanks!”

Judge(calls Roxanne): “Teacher, your challenger is here for the battle!”

(Roxanne goes down the stairs and as she sees Max, tells him)

Roxanne: “Hi Max! I am happy that your Hoenn experience starts in my own Rustboro gym. That’s honor for me! So, are you ready to go? ”

Max: “I sure do!”

Judge(stands where the judges stand with a red and a green flags): “Teacher, the battlefield is set and ready.”

Roxanne: “That’s great! Let’s go then…”

(Roxanne and Max stand on the different sides of the battlefield and they both look very prepared to start their battle)

Roxanne(takes the Pokeball and throws it): “Geodude, I choose you!”

Geodude(comes out and has a very confident, strong-looking face): “Geodude! Geo!”

Max: “A Geodude…” (You know what comes next, don’t you?:))

Pokedex: “Geodude, the Rock Pokémon. Geodude has incredibly high defensive power, making it virtually resistant to any physical attacks.”

Max(with a confident look): “Very well, go, Treecko!”

Treecko(goes out of the Pokeball and lands on the little boulder and has a very determined look and confident eyes): “Treecko!”

Max: “Let’s show them, Treecko!”

Treecko(nods): “Treecko.”

Max: “Okay, let’s use Quick Attack!”

Roxanne(is surprised, but waits as Treecko approaches and yells): “Block it!” (Geodude uses his arms to block the attack)

Max(smiles as he did that on purpose): “Not going o happen…Jump, Treecko!”

(Treecko jumps over Geodude)

Max: “Use Bullet Seed!”

(Treecko uses it, Geodude tries to block it, but despite its high defenses, it rolls back)

Roxanne: “It was good, Geodude use, Rollout!”

(Geodude jumps and starts to roll and is going into Treecko at high speed)

Max: “Use Pound while you spin!”

(Treecko starts to spin and two attacks collide and two Pokemon land into the ground. Treecko is standing firm, but Geodude starts getting tired)

Roxanne: “Use Rollout once more!”

Geodude: “Geo!” (and starts Rollout again)

Max: “Treecko, use Bullet Seed to stop it!”

Treecko: “Treecko!-cko-cko-cko…”

(The attacks collide again, but Geodude overpowers the seed-attack and strikes Treecko. Treecko is hit hardly and lies in the ground)

Max(surprised): “But how??”

Roxanne: “I trained my Geodude a lot and it has very good defenses while rolling. Geodude, use Rollout once more!”

(Geodude starts rolling and as it headed into Treecko, Treecko just stands up)

Max(worried): “Not good!” (takes a Pokeball) “Return, Treecko!”

(He returns Treecko as Geodude stops rolling)

Roxanne: “Nice move, Max!”

Max(takes another Pokeball): “Go, Taillow!”

Taillow: “Taillow!”

Roxanne(surprised): “Quite unexpected choice. Do you really want to use a flying Pokemon in a rock gym?”

Max: “I sure do. Wait and you’ll see…”

Roxanne: “Very well. I like this type of confidence!”

Max: “Taillow use Steel Wing!”(Taillow uses Steel wing)

Roxanne: “Use Rollout, Geodude!”

(The two attacks collide in the air as Geodude is tired and Taillow is okay)

Max: “Use Steel Wing, Taillow!”

Roxanne: “Use Rock Throw!”(Geodude uses its arm and smashes the field and many rocks are headed into Taillow)

Max: “Use Quick Attack and dodge them!” (Taillow starts gaining speed, dodges them and is headed into Geodude)

Max: “Now, spin!”

(Tailow starts spinning)

Roxanne: “Block it!”

(Max chuckles quietly as Taillow strikes Geodude, the attack make explosion. Taillow hits like a spinning Fighter aircraft and flies and yells, while Geodude rolls closer to Roxanne and is Knocked out)

Judge: “Geodude is unable to battle…” (points red flag at it, then raises green flag and points at Taillow) “…Taillow is the winner!”

Max(shouts happily): “We did it! Great work, Taillow!”

Taillow(smiles and says with a joy): “Taillow!”

Roxanne: “That’s very impressive!” (recalls Geodude) “You trained your attacks well! But let’s continue!” (takes Pokeball) “Go!”

(As the Pokeball is thrown, a Pokemon with small round eyes, and Bushy Mustache that is under his huge nose, and a big Hat-like magnet appears)

Max(stunned): “No way…a Probopass!”

Probopass: “Pro-bo…”

(The scene ends while Roxanne is standing firm and Max is very surprised to see this Pokemon. Would he come victorious? We’ll see in next chapter)

The end of the 7th Chapter.

Roromiya
8th August 2012, 2:47 AM
Really great chapter! I would've liked it if geodude had been evolved, besides that really awesome(:

RealRaymon
8th August 2012, 3:14 AM
Really great chapter! I would've liked it if geodude had been evolved, besides that really awesome(:
Thanks)
but there's no point for a gym leader to use all evollved Pokemon against the beginning trainer

dirkac
8th August 2012, 5:42 AM
PROBOPASS...
Awesome! She evolved it! But, where in Hoenn did she evolve it? Since the only known places that send out the right electromagnetic frequency are Mt. Coronet, and ChargeStone Cave, or are you making your own cave thingy?

Dawn+Serena Fan
8th August 2012, 5:49 AM
Great chapter, I'm enjoying the gym battle, it's very well written and detailed. Also great cliffhanger. I hope Max gets to beat Roxanne's Probopass.

Roromiya
8th August 2012, 5:51 AM
Thanks)
but there's no point for a gym leader to use all evollved Pokemon against the beginning trainer

I know, its just a thought.

ThisIsPatrick
8th August 2012, 7:05 AM
Great Chapter loved how it ended in a cliffhanger, kepp up the good work:)

Charizard-Fan
8th August 2012, 8:54 AM
Great chapter. Gym battle has been so far great. :)

Chibi_Muffin
8th August 2012, 9:35 AM
You're getting much better with descriptions, which is great! I can't really think of any improvements needed, except for maybe the personality thing, though I do understand why this might be hard at this point in the story. Even so, this fanfic is very good.

So Roxanne has a Probopass? That's gonna be tricky - it's a Steel type as well as Rock, so I don't think Bullet Seed and Steel Wing are gonna help...

RealRaymon
8th August 2012, 10:00 AM
Thanks all of you!!)I do really appreciate it!

PROBOPASS...
But, where in Hoenn did she evolve it? Since the only known places that send out the right electromagnetic frequency are Mt. Coronet, and ChargeStone Cave, or are you making your own cave thingy?
Well, you'll see the answer in next chapter)


So Roxanne has a Probopass? That's gonna be tricky - it's a Steel type as well as Rock, so I don't think Bullet Seed and Steel Wing are gonna help...
That's what I think as well...but I tell you that I have something for you...)

TheSirPeras
8th August 2012, 8:19 PM
Nice! So nosepass evolved, cool!!

CovertNinja
8th August 2012, 9:32 PM
Good chapter man, keep them coming!

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
8th August 2012, 10:17 PM
Haha, I used the gym battle music when I was reading the gym battle part! Very effective! Especially at my reading pace.
I hope you have some more awesome ideas for the next chapter.

RealRaymon
8th August 2012, 11:06 PM
Haha, I used the gym battle music when I was reading the gym battle part! Very effective! Especially at my reading pace.
I hope you have some more awesome ideas for the next chapter.
Well, that's why I advice to turn on the music)

And I sure do have some awesome ideas)

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 12:24 AM
Well, here is the 8th one! Enjoy! :)
and don't forget the music)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eple8AkBZPg

The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending!

(Max is very surprised and he looks at Probopass and than he looks at Roxanne)

Max: “A Probopass? But how did you evolve your Nosepass? Nosepass can’t evolve in the Hoenn region…”

Roxanne: “You are totally right. But I had a trip into the Sinnoh Region and I was checking my skills with the Oreburgh Gym Leader, Roark. He showed me the Mt. Coronet and I evolved my Nosepass.”

(Max takes out his glasses, wipes them and puts them back, while breathing deeply)

Max: “Well…I wonder if I can find data about this Pokemon…” (takes out his Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Probopass, the Compass Pokémon, and the evolved form of Nosepass. Its body acts as a powerful magnet. It controls three smaller units called Mini-Noses.”

Max(to the Pokedex): “Well, Nosepass is a Rock-type…What type is a Probopass?”

Pokedex: “Probopass has characteristics of a Rock and Steel types.”

Roxanne: “And in addition to that, neither your grass or steel attacks gonna be super-effective like before…”

Max: “Oh well, but as my friend liked to say, who cares about the type advantage? I’m gonna win!”

Roxanne: “Okay, Max.”

Max(starts not waiting for either Roxanne has to say): “Taillow, use Steel Wing!”

Taillow: “Taillow!”

(Tailow flies at the big nose Pokemon with amazing Speed and strikes it, but attack does not much)

Roxanne: “You see, its defenses are extremely high, you didn’t do much.”(and stands in “like a boss” way)

Max: “Oh Yeah? Taillow, use your Steel Wing with a spin!”(as he knew that it is his only choice as normal and flying moves are not effective at all)

(Taillow spins again and heads into Probopass)

Roxanne(yells): “Probopass, use Iron Head!”

(Probopass’s whole body glows metallic grey as it consists only of a head, anyway. The two attacks collide and explode as both Pokemon take damage, but Probopass is standing firm and Taillow is almost out of energy)

Max(yells): “You can do it Taillow! Use it once more!”

Roxanne(smiles cocky): “Probopass! Wait for Tailow to come closer!”

Probopass: “Probo!”

(Probopass waits for Taillow coming almost to it and Roxanne yells)

Roxanne: “Use Zap Cannon!”

(Probopass generates a yellow-electric ball and hits Taillow)

Max: “Oh no!”

Taillow(falls on the land): “Tai-i-i…low!....”(its eyes become spiral)

(The judge looks closer)

Judge: “Taillow is unable to battle…” (points red flag at it, then raises green flag and points at Probopass) “…Probopass is the winner!”

Max: “Ah!.”

(As Max is stunned and Forrest is stunned as well)

Forrest: “Wow! Tailow has lost…”

(Max returns his Taillow. Then takes Treecko’s Pokeball, looks at it)

Max(says looking at it): “You are my only hope…”(throws Pokeball) “Treecko, I choose you!”

Treecko: “Treecko!”

(Treecko comes not at full health, but recovered from its last battle, but it looks confident and wants to win)

Max(yells): “Treecko! Use Quick Attack to confuse Probopass!”

Treecko: “Tree!”

(Treecko runs at circles around Probopass, Probopass can’t catch up for Treecko)

Max: “Now use Bullet Seed!”

Treecko: “Tree-cko-cko-cko…”

(it hits Probopass and does damage)

Roxanne: “Just use your noses and not eyes and find Treecko.”

Probopass(nods): “Pass…”(closes eyes and senses Treecko)

Roxanne: “Use Iron Head!”

Max: “Use Pound with a Spin!”

(Treecko jumps and spins as Probopass and Treecko’s attack collide. After the collision, Treecko flies nearly to Max as it lands harshly, but Probopass, takes the damage, and a little bit shaky, but has more power than Treecko)

Roxanne(immediately after): “Use Sandstorm!”

(The sandstorm appears and Max as well as Treecko can’t see anything)

Roxanne: “Use your nose to navigate and use Iron Head once more!”

(Probopass finds Treecko and hits it again. Treecko is hit hard and lies on the ground)

Max: “Oh no! Treecko!”

Roxanne: “Time for the final move, use Zap Cannon!”

(As the attack is building up, Max tries to cheer Treecko up)

Max: “You can do it Treecko!”

(The attack starts approaching Treecko)

Max: “Treecko! I believe in you!”(as hi shouts the last four words very loud)

(Treecko suddenly opens his eyes and looks very confidently. Treecko sees that the attack almost close and it starts to move his paws very quickly towards the ground. He starts digging using its hands and as it dives in the hole, the electric attacks misses)

Max, Roxanne, Forrest: “No Way!!”

Roxanne: “I can’t believe it!”

Max(with his glasses shining): “Treecko, use Dig!”

(Treecko is headed towards the Probopass)

Roxanne: “Probopass, just try to sense it!”

Max: “Not going to happen!”(as the Treecko almost immediately comes of the ground and attacks Probopass)

Max: “Treecko! You did amazing work, Pal!”

Treecko(turns around and nods): “Treecko!” (and still stands in a confident way, looking at the opponent’s Pokemon)

Roxanne: “Oww…”

Probopass: “Pro-bo…Pro-bo”(shakes, but stands up)

Roxanne: “Good! Use Iron Head!”

Probopass: “Probo!” (wants to use the attack)”...Pass!...” (and falls on the ground)

Roxanne: “Ah!”

Judge: “Probopass is unable to battle…” (points red flag at it, then raises green flag and points at Treecko) “…Treecko is the winner!” (and points at Max) “and the winner is Max from Petalburg City!”

Max: “Hoorayy! Treecko! You battled great!” (runs and hugs it)

Forrest: “Amazing, he won!”

Treecko: “Treecko!” (it is tired, but happy still)

(Roxanne comes to Max)

Roxanne: “Max, you know, you gave me a wonderful battle! I learned a lot from your Pokemon. Thanks for the great battle! You really deserved it.”(gives him the shiny gold-yellow badge which is shaped like a rectangle) “Take this Stone Badge.”

Max: “Thanks so much!” (takes the badge and looks at it) “Wow, it is so awesome!”

Treecko(happy): “Treecko!”

(Forrest comes and congratulates Max as they look and celebrate Max’s victory and then they see going off the gym as Roxanne is seeing them off and Max is thrilled and still can’t believe what happened)

The end of the 8th Chapter.

Dawn+Serena Fan
9th August 2012, 12:38 AM
Wow great chapter. Again, I loved the battle and that sure was a lucky win XD

momomon
9th August 2012, 12:43 AM
Awesome battle! I liked how you made nosepass evolve to a Probopass and how you constructed the battle!

dirkac
9th August 2012, 3:16 AM
That was à good chapter! But yeah, that really was lucky.
I also found it good that you explained how Nosepass evolved.

Roromiya
9th August 2012, 3:36 AM
Really good, I liked the suspense during the battle(:

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 5:51 AM
Thanks guys!)

Chibi_Muffin
9th August 2012, 7:58 AM
I think this battle was very well written and very much like the anime. However, I feel like Treecko learning Dig at the last second was a little bit 'Deus ex Machina' - a good event that helps out the heroes at the last second with no real set up. In this case, I think it doesn't matter too much as it can be seen as Treecko digging to avoid the attack or the sandstorm, but I thought I might just tell you to help in future. Keep up the good work!

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 8:50 AM
I think this battle was very well written and very much like the anime. However, I feel like Treecko learning Dig at the last second was a little bit 'Deus ex Machina' - a good event that helps out the heroes at the last second with no real set up. In this case, I think it doesn't matter too much as it can be seen as Treecko digging to avoid the attack or the sandstorm, but I thought I might just tell you to help in future. Keep up the good work!
thanks!) so. Is it bad or good in you opinion to use these kind of situations like helping heroes?

And I did not understand clearly how you help me in the future?(the bold text)

Charizard-Fan
9th August 2012, 9:46 AM
Great chapter and great battle. And it was indeed a lucky win. :)

Chibi_Muffin
9th August 2012, 9:56 AM
thanks!) so. Is it bad or good in you opinion to use these kind of situations like helping heroes?

And I did not understand clearly how you help me in the future?(the bold text)

Helping the heroes isn't always bad, but a Deus ex Machina is bad because nothing in the story has been shown to say it could happen first. It has just come out of nowhere, so it is seen as lazy writing (as if the writer couldn't think of another way to solve it). However, if there is some 'foreshadowing' (using little hints and clues to set up the event that helps the heroes), or the heroes are helped through something they already have, but used creatively, then I think it isn't bad because it hasn't come out of nowhere, and it shows to me that the author had planned the event in advance.

And by the helping in the future bit, I just meant that knowing what a Deus ex Machina is might help you when you write future chapters of this, as it is a fairly common criticism of writing, and I wanted to help you avoid it. =)

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 10:23 AM
I understood, thanks)
but it took place in the Pokemon show...don't you remember?)

Squirtle learned Hydro Pump
Charmeleon Evolved
Scraggy learned Focus Blast

and many others
So, that is why I used it, but I will seldomly use it, but still)

Chibi_Muffin
9th August 2012, 10:52 AM
Yes, it does happen in the Pokemon show, and I did say that I didn't mind it this time, as learning a new move is fairly plausible. However, I would probably try to keep things like new moves or evolutions at the last minute to a minimum. As you seem to be doing this, I don't have a big issue with it.

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 11:21 AM
I agree)I'll try to keep such things to minimum

TheSirPeras
9th August 2012, 5:45 PM
Oh great chapter! I liked that Treecko learned Dig, and Treecko sure showed that he's powerful! Great battle overall, congrats :D
One question- Are you gonna do this like the anime and not evolve all of his Pokemon, or are you gonna evolve them all?

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 6:42 PM
Oh great chapter! I liked that Treecko learned Dig, and Treecko sure showed that he's powerful! Great battle overall, congrats :D
One question- Are you gonna do this like the anime and not evolve all of his Pokemon, or are you gonna evolve them all?
Thanks!
Well, I can't agree with you)They evolved Treecko and Grovyle, Taillow and Snorunt(Torkoal was not capable of it)
So, Ash's Pokemon evolved in the series

ultimateblaziken11
9th August 2012, 6:48 PM
Great chapter! I cant give any sort of criticism because I'm not good at it, but add me to the PM list please!

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 6:51 PM
Great chapter! I cant give any sort of criticism because I'm not good at it, but add me to the PM list please!
Thanks!)I'll add you now
And tell me please, which chapters have you read?)

ultimateblaziken11
9th August 2012, 6:55 PM
I've read all of them :D

They are all amazing!

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 7:14 PM
I've read all of them :D

They are all amazing!
Well, thank you a lot! I am glad you enjoyed it:)

TheSirPeras
9th August 2012, 8:24 PM
Thanks!
Well, I can't agree with you)They evolved Treecko and Grovyle, Taillow and Snorunt(Torkoal was not capable of it)
So, Ash's Pokemon evolved in the series

Yeah I know but like they don't evolve all of his Pokemon (Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Corphish etc etc). Are you gonna have Pokemon like that or..? If you don't wanna spoil anything you don't have to answer xD

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 8:43 PM
Yeah I know but like they don't evolve all of his Pokemon (Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Corphish etc etc). Are you gonna have Pokemon like that or..? If you don't wanna spoil anything you don't have to answer xD
I don't know who will Max have as I don't plan it all, but I don't want to spoil either...)The time would tell

TheSirPeras
9th August 2012, 8:45 PM
I don't know who will Max have as I don't plan it all, but I don't want to spoil either...)The time would tell

Ok can't wait :D
I really like how you describe the battles, there's a lot of detail, good job for that

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 8:48 PM
Ok can't wait :D
I really like how you describe the battles, there's a lot of detail, good job for that
All for you, my dear readers)All you should do just read and have a good time)Do you have a good time while reading?)

P.S.The new chapter would be about Max meeting some more familiar faces and going to the next town which is on the way to Sootopolis

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
9th August 2012, 9:36 PM
That was great chapter!
Showed a fair battle and I like the reference Max said towards Ash battling with type disadvantage.

RealRaymon
9th August 2012, 10:03 PM
That was great chapter!
Showed a fair battle and I like the reference Max said towards Ash battling with type disadvantage.
Thank you!
Finally somebody noticed that)I did it on purpose!

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 12:54 AM
Hi, guys! Here is the new chapter, as the first gym is gone, I would have some fillers, but I'll make them interesting and important in dome kind of way)
And, note, I have something funny in this episode, but it is a hidden(stealth joke), so I wonder if anyone sees it:)

The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon!

Max(looking at its badge): “My new badge! So cool!”

Forrest: “Yes and well-deserved!”

Max: “Thanks, but it were my Pokemon who won the battle…”

Forrest(disagrees): “Not only them, you made a big contribution too! Just remember what brilliant strategy you were using all the time!”

Max: “Oh okay, okay…”

(As they were speaking whether it was Max or his Pokemon contribution, the two boys are heading towards a white skyscraper with big antennas and a lot of windows)

Forrest: “So, where were we heading, anyway?”

Max: “I need to meet my old friend. You see the large building there?”(points at this building)

Forrest(looks at it): “Yeah, I see..”

Max: “We are going there!”

Forrest(looks at the building with wide opened eyes): “Wow, it’s so tall and beautiful!”

Max(is tired of Forrest’s behaviour): “Oh my…”

(As they come to the entrance, the two tall security guards in black suits and stop them)

The 1st security guard: “Where are you going to?”

Max(not suppressed at all, just confidently says): “To Mr.Stone…”

(the security guard makes a call)

Security guard(talking on the phone): “Mr. President? The boy is asking to see you?” (makes a pause) “Which boy? Well…”(looks at him)
“He is in green T-shirt, brown shorts, green sneakers…”

(the door opens):

???“Well, I’ll check him by myself…”(as the middle-aged and middle-sized man in a lilac suit, brown shoes and white hat came out)

Max(shouts): “Good afternoon, Mr. Stone!”

Mr.Stone(recognizes him and smiles): “Well, if it isn’t Max, my old friend!”

Forrest(surprised): “Max, President is your friend?”

Max: “Well. It’s a long story.”

Mr.Stone: “So, how can I help you?”

Max: “Oh, we were passing by and I really wanted to see you again, that’s all!”

Mr.Stone: “Oh, thank you…”

Max: “So, we don’t want to disturb you anymore…”(as they want to leave)

Mr.Stone: “No, you are really not disturbing me. And do you think I’ll let you go easily after you made so far? Come with me…” (looks at the security guard)
“they are with me”

(As they pass near the security guard Max looks at him in some kind of proud and cocky way)

Max: “So, what is it, Mr.Stone?”(asked him as they were entering the elevator)

Mr.Stone(walking calmly and answering): “Just wait and see, I have something for you.”

(They walk out of elevator, walk near dozen rooms and finally Mr.Stone enters the door, which was in the end. After that they see a lot of scientists, who are doing
their jobs at different areas and making or helping to create new inventions)

Mr.Stone(to Max): “You remember this place, don’t you?”

Max: “I sure do!”(to Forrest) “This is the place where all the inventions are developing”

(The head scientist stops working, as he goes to Mr.Stone)

Head scientist: “Good afternoon, Mr.President!”

Mr.Stone: “Hi, Curtis! Is the new Pokenavigation system ready?”

Head scientist Curtis: “Yes!”(goes and takes a red-coloured device with a black screen(actually, because it is turned off and gives it to Mr.Stone)

Mr. Stone: “Thank you.”(looks at Max)“Here is the brand new Pokenav, it guides you everywhere, I mean, not only in the Hoenn region, but in Kanto,
Johto and Sinnoh regions as well. Take it as my present.”

Max(takes it and his eyes are shining of happiness): “Wooow! Thank you, Mr.Stone!”

Mr.Stone: “Well, I never forget people that helped me.”(smiles and looks at Forrest) “And what is your name?”

Forrest: “I am Forrest, sir! I lived around the city and looked for a safety in the woods and I also like Bug-Pokemon!”

Mr.Stone: “Hmmm…Is that so?”(thinks and takes something out of his pocket)

Forrest(curiously): “What is it, Mr.Stone?” (as he looks at two light-blue Pokeballs with grey web-like things on the top)

Mr.Stone: “These are Net Pokeballs, or simply, net-balls. They are designed and developed specially to catch Bug or Water Pokemon. I think they may be
handy for you.”

Forrest(exclaims): “They will sure come in handy, thanks a lot!”

Mr.Stone: “So, let’s go to the exit and don’t disturb our scientists.”

(As they do the same way again, come out of the building)

Mr.Stone(concerns): “What are you planning to do next?”

Max: “Well, we want to go to the Dewford Town at first, but don’t bother, Mr.Stone, I have a friend who can help us with that” (said Max, remembering
the old man with white beard and mustache and a Wingull, who helped them to get to Dewford Town)

Mr.Stone: “Okay. You are old enough, but if something helps, remember, you have a Pokenav, Max!”

Max(as they stat going): “Ok, Mr.Stone, good bye and thank you for everything! I was glad to see you!”

Forrest: “And me too!”

Mr.Stone: “Good bye, boys and good luck to both of you!”

(As they see each other off, Max comes to the small house near the port and as they are ready to knock on the door, they see a Wingull flying
out of the window with the letter in his mouth)

The end of 9th Chapter.

CovertNinja
10th August 2012, 3:17 AM
Good Chapter! I like how you brought back Mr. Stone! But... one question, how come the Pokenav doesn't navigate work in Unova, but all the other regions?

dirkac
10th August 2012, 5:10 AM
I liked this chapter a lot! Fillers are awesome!

But yeah, I thought it was good that you didn't include unova on that list.

Also, (this is picky) you said "ME badge" instead of MY badge, and it's the first sentence too, it kind of leaves a bad impression. The chapter still was good though.

amittal12
10th August 2012, 8:01 AM
Great Story so far.I've read all the chapters and they are very well written.But I suggest you add a 'Party' kind of thing with all of Max's and Forrest's Pokemon and their moves.It may actually show their development(say Treecko currently has Bullet Seed but by the story end,it may have better moves like Leaf Blade and Leaf Storm).

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 11:58 AM
Thanks all of you!

Good Chapter! I like how you brought back Mr. Stone! But... one question, how come the Pokenav doesn't navigate work in Unova, but all the other regions?
Well, that is so because Unova region is very far ahead and they don't communicate(Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh)with Unova much...but I guess it would be developped

I liked this chapter a lot! Fillers are awesome!

But yeah, I thought it was good that you didn't include unova on that list.

Also, (this is picky) you said "ME badge" instead of MY badge, and it's the first sentence too, it kind of leaves a bad impression. The chapter still was good though.
Thanks for the notice, but I just misclicked)

Great Story so far.I've read all the chapters and they are very well written.But I suggest you add a 'Party' kind of thing with all of Max's and Forrest's Pokemon and their moves.It may actually show their development(say Treecko currently has Bullet Seed but by the story end,it may have better moves like Leaf Blade and Leaf Storm).
Thank you)Sorry, but I didn't understand the party thing...Do you want me just to show you all of Max's and Forrest's Pokemon in the end as well as moves they know?)

P.S.by the way, the scientist's name was Curtis. Does it seem familiar to you?

Charizard-Fan
10th August 2012, 12:22 PM
Good filler chapter.

TheSirPeras
10th August 2012, 12:25 PM
It was a pretty good filler, great that Mr Stone came back. And I wonder what the letter with Wingull says :)

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 12:49 PM
Thanks!)You'll see, what it says. I'll post new chapter as soon as others read this one

amittal12
10th August 2012, 12:51 PM
Thank you)Sorry, but I didn't understand the party thing...Do you want me just to show you all of Max's and Forrest's Pokemon in the end as well as moves they know?)


Ya,Exactly.For eg:Treecko has the moveset Quick Attack,Pound and Bullet Seed as of Ep 9.Say it's a Grovyle or a Sceptile in the last Gym and has the moveset Leaf Blade,Leaf Storm,X-Scissor and False Swipe and you can show development in the process like an episode dedicated to a Pokemon trying to teach/master a move.

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 1:13 PM
Ya,Exactly.For eg:Treecko has the moveset Quick Attack,Pound and Bullet Seed as of Ep 9.Say it's a Grovyle or a Sceptile in the last Gym and has the moveset Leaf Blade,Leaf Storm,X-Scissor and False Swipe and you can show development in the process like an episode dedicated to a Pokemon trying to teach/master a move.
Treeclo knows Dig as well...Well, okay, Pokemon woulld master some moves in the future)

Dawn+Serena Fan
10th August 2012, 5:56 PM
Great chapter, I enjoyed the filler.

Roromiya
10th August 2012, 6:04 PM
Awesome chapter, nice to see Mr.Stone(:

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 9:45 PM
Here I come with another filler-chapter!

The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!

(Max and Forrest see that Wingull has a letter in its Mouth)

Wingull(sees Max): “Wingull!”(and flies to him)

Max: “Hi, Peeko!”(sees the letter) “Oh, it is a letter.”(takes it)

(Max reads the letter)

Max(sees something): “Oh! It is from Mr.Briney!”

Max(reads the letter aloud): “Hi! I am writing you this letter to say that I have been invited by a ship company in Slateport City and
I will be working as a head shipbuilder in Slateport City as well. I will leave this letter to Peeko as he will give it to you, my friends. I am sure
that Peeko will recognize you and that you are my friends as nobody in Rustboro visits these derelict, old places and, especially, this house
unless people know me! Fortunately, I don’t have any enemies after Team Aqua stopped doing bad things. If you want to get to Dewford or
to Slateport, catch a ferry in the new port. Luckily, I have an old friend, Mr. Douglas, who is the captain of the ship called “S.S.Aqua”. Just
go to the New Port and see whether the ship is here or not, it is in Rustboro every two days. I hope we meet very soon. After you read Peeko
will fly back to me.
Yours truly,
Mr. Briney”

Max(raises head): “Thanks, Peeko!”

Peeko: “Wingull!”(rises high and flies to Mr.Briney)

Forrest: “So, let’s head to the New Port. But there seem to be one problem…”

Max: “Which problem?”

Forrest: “I don’t know the way there…”

Max: “I never went there, but don’t worry! We have a brand new Pokenav! ”(takes a look it)
“So, it is a mile away, let’s go!”

Forrest: “Okay.”

(they go and after a while they see a port with many ships and ferries. They are looking for S.S.Aqua but can’t find it)

Max(sadly): “Oh well…It must have left already.”

Forrest: “Maybe not. Let’s ask somebody about it.”

(They look for somebody to ask about it and they see a middle-aged man in a blue jacket, black shoes and jeans who is coming nearby)

Max: “Excuse me, sir?”

???: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Max: “We are looking for a ship called S.S.Aqua…”

???(surprised): “S.S.Aqua?”

Max(nods): “Yes, can you help us to find it?”

???: “Sure. Let’s go, kids!”

(As they go to the large white ship, that was not seen because a humongous black ship standing nearby. They stand near it)

Max, Forrest: “Thank you!”

???: “No problem! So, why were you looking for this ship?”

Max: “We wanted to get to Dewford Town and our friend, Mr.Briney, said we should go to this ship and find Mr.Douglas, his friend…”

???: “Oh, I see. Well then. My pal said I may meet some friends of his.”

Max: “You mean…You are Mr.Douglas, the captain of this ship?”

Mr.Douglas(nods): “Yes, it is me. So, I can help you to get there. Come to the ship, we’ll sail very soon.” (as they enter the ship, captain
Douglas asks one of the sailors to show Max and Forrest their room. As they come…)

Sailor: “Here is your room, guys. Enjoy your time here.”

Max: “Thanks, mister!”

Sailor: “You are welcome!”(and leaves)

Forrest: “Max, I have a great idea! Let’s go see the sea”(as the ship had already left by this time)

Max: “Sure! And I think our Pokemon should have some fun with us too!”

Forrest: “Nice idea!”

Max: “Go, Treecko and Taillow!”

Treecko: “Treecko!”

Taillow(opens wings): “Tailow!”

(As the Pokemon appear, both of them look rested and full of energy)

Forrest: “Come out you too, guys!”

Heracross: “Herra!”

Ledian: “Ledi!”

Max: “Wow, a Ledian!”

Pokedex: ”Ledian, the Five Star Pokémon. It uses starlight as energy. The spots on the Ledian's back are said to respond to the
stars in the night sky.”

Max: “Cool!”(said Max looking on the red five spots Pokemon)

Forrest: “So, come on guys! Let’s have fun!”

(They go to the deck, then they swim in the pool, while Ledian and Taillow are flying together, they eat some fruit, Pokemon chase each
other, play and then we see that the evening comes as they sit in their room and prepare for a sleep)

Forrest: “We had a nice day!”(while they returned the Pokemon)

Max: “Yeah! I wish we’ll get my old friend soon!”

(Max started dreaming about the time he will have with Ralts and his Pokemon together, then two boys started sleeping. They woke up when
they heard the loud sound(signal)from the captain)

Captain: “Dear guests! Our Ship has come to the Dewford Town. I was glad that you used our ship. Yours sincerely, Captain Douglas.”

Max: “Oh! It’s time to go. Dewford Gym, I challenge you!”

Forrest: “Oh, so you are planning to earn one more badge?”

Max: “Yes, I don’t want to waste any time…”

Forrest: “Well, that’s great!”(said he while they came out of the ship) “Let’s go to the Gym immediately.”

Max: “Yes! I look forward my second badge!”

(They go through many buildings, which are not big, just like villas, they see many people surfing and then they see a purple house and
a golden sign before it: “Fight the big wave!” with two fighting Pokemon there”

Max(looking at the sign): “Oh, it is awesome, I remember this sign. So, Dewford gym is on the same place as before!
Ok, let’s go!” (as they enter the gym)

Forrest: “Max, look!”(points at the battlefield)

Max: “Yes, someone is battling!”(as they see a young man in orange t-shorts and shorts as well, who has blue hair and looks like a surfer)
“So, the gym leader is still Brawly! And check out his Hariyama!”(takes Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Hariyama, the Arm Thrust Pokémon. Hariyama is the evolved form of Makuhita. When tensing its body, its muscles become hard
as stone.”

Forrest: “and a trainer challenges him.” (looking at a teen with black hair, blue T-shirt and who is wearing jeans and black sneakers)

Brawly(standing alongside his Hariyama): “So, Randy. You did great so far, but my Hariyama is tough for you, isn’t it?”

Randy: “Oh yeah? We’ll see about this!”(takes the Pokeball) “We are ready for this battle! Go, Bulbasaur!”

Bulbasaur(comes out of the Pokeball and looks very serious and determined): “Bul-ba!”

Max: “He has a Bulbasaur!”

Pokedex: “Bulbasaur, the Seed Pokemon. A strange seed was planted on its back at birth. The plant sprouts and grows with this Pokémon.”

Randy: “Come on Bulbasaur! We gotta win this thing!”

Bulbasaur(nods): “Saur.”

The end of the 10th Chapter.
__________________________________________________ ______________________________
My note: The battle was 3 on 3, but Hariayama and Bulbasaur are last Pokemon of each trainer.

Dawn+Serena Fan
10th August 2012, 9:59 PM
Great chapter! Nice to see Bulbasaur again.

Charizard-Fan
10th August 2012, 10:59 PM
Good chapter. And as thedehydrator said already, nice to see Bulbasaur again.
Here comes some criticism about your fanfic: It would be nice if Max would do more on-screen training, since we haven't saw that much.

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
10th August 2012, 11:33 PM
The last chapter was great! I remember the episode Max first met him! And this chapter was great! Yay for Peeko's return!
Still an awesome fanfic!

RealRaymon
10th August 2012, 11:46 PM
Great chapter! Nice to see Bulbasaur again.
I was happy to have a chance to use him too)

Good chapter. And as thedehydrator said already, nice to see Bulbasaur again.
Here comes some criticism about your fanfic: It would be nice if Max would do more on-screen training, since we haven't saw that much.
You know, I wanted to do it next chapter, but thanks for the critisizm, I would sure do that)
And you see, there was no time actually to train, they were just playing with them while sailing

The last chapter was great! I remember the episode Max first met him! And this chapter was great! Yay for Peeko's return!
Still an awesome fanfic!
Whom?)Thanks!)

Charizard-Fan
10th August 2012, 11:49 PM
You know, I wanted to do it next chapter, but thanks for the critisizm, I would sure do that)
And you see, there was no time actually to train, they were just playing with them while sailing


You're welcome.
I understand.

ultimateblaziken11
11th August 2012, 6:11 AM
This chapter was great.

It's been a while since Max caught a new Pokemon.

dirkac
11th August 2012, 6:37 AM
Wow! This was great! I liked that you had Peeko return, and that you had a reference to the games too. To be honest, I was expecting Peeko to return with a letter saying that the ship was finished, making them go through Rusturf Tunnel (which oddly enough isn't even in the anime).

Errrr... But yeah. I liked that you included a bulbasaur, is tge trainer going to be a rival?

RealRaymon
11th August 2012, 7:03 AM
It's been a while since Max caught a new Pokemon.
Actually, not long. But he'll catch one soon)

is the trainer going to be a rival?
He'll may be, but I don't know yet

Roromiya
11th August 2012, 3:02 PM
EDIT:Great filler, although I think you should use more contractions. I also liked Peeko's return,he's so cute.
Do you have any plans for Forrest to catch more pokemon?

amittal12
11th August 2012, 3:52 PM
Great Filler.But it's a little surprising that Brawly is still the Gym leader.I expected Shauna(The Battle Girl with the Meditite) to be the Gym Leader since she could have trained under him and surpassed him and became the Gym leader while maybe Brawly could have started Professional Surfing.But what's done is done.But I think you should change the plot a little from the anime and change the characters since two years time has passed and in two years time changes are bound to happen,like seen in B2/W2 when compared to the original games.

RealRaymon
11th August 2012, 4:34 PM
Great Filler.But it's a little surprising that Brawly is still the Gym leader.I expected Shauna(The Battle Girl with the Meditite) to be the Gym Leader since she could have trained under him and surpassed him and became the Gym leader while maybe Brawly could have started Professional Surfing.But what's done is done.But I think you should change the plot a little from the anime and change the characters since two years time has passed and in two years time changes are bound to happen,like seen in B2/W2 when compared to the original games.
Yeah, I thought about it much, but I don't want to change anything here as Brawly is young and takes pleasure from a job of a gym leader. You know, all Hoenn gym leaders are not old and two years won't change much)

TheSirPeras
11th August 2012, 11:02 PM
Nice chapter! Brawley still seems to be OP! Can't wait to see who his third Pokemon is since he only had 2

RealRaymon
11th August 2012, 11:15 PM
Nice chapter! Brawley still seems to be OP! Can't wait to see who his third Pokemon is since he only had 2
What is OP? Overpowered?

Hariyama is the 3rd Pokemon, not the 2nd)So it is the decisive match

TheSirPeras
11th August 2012, 11:20 PM
What is OP? Overpowered?

Hariyama is the 3rd Pokemon, not the 2nd)So it is the decisive match

OP = Overpowered yes :)
Thats not what I meant, I meant before when Ash challenged Brawley he had 2 Pokemon and now has 3. Unless im forgetting someone

RealRaymon
11th August 2012, 11:21 PM
OP = Overpowered yes :)
Thats not what I meant, I meant before when Ash challenged Brawley he had 2 Pokemon and now has 3. Unless im forgetting someone
Oh, I understand. He had 2 Pokemon, the third one? You'll find it out soon!)

bobandbill
12th August 2012, 5:10 AM
Just a public warning to all reviewers; the fanfiction rules state that your rules actually have to say something useful and specific to the story.

In other words, reviews like 'Great filler' or 'Great Chapter, I enjoyed ___' do not abide by those rules, because you can say the same sort of thing to every other fic. Please spend a bit more time with your reviews; say what you liked and why you liked it for instance, and maybe what you didn't like as much and while. Throw in your thoughts about what happened (e.g. 'This part was quite exciting to read') or the characters ('This new character seems like a douche I think he's the villain') and make it more than a one-liner. That way the author gets some more feedback about the story as well and can improve.

RealRaymon
12th August 2012, 12:55 PM
Just a public warning to all reviewers; the fanfiction rules state that your rules actually have to say something useful and specific to the story.

In other words, reviews like 'Great filler' or 'Great Chapter, I enjoyed ___' do not abide by those rules, because you can say the same sort of thing to every other fic. Please spend a bit more time with your reviews; say what you liked and why you liked it for instance, and maybe what you didn't like as much and while. Throw in your thoughts about what happened (e.g. 'This part was quite exciting to read') or the characters ('This new character seems like a douche I think he's the villain') and make it more than a one-liner. That way the author gets some more feedback about the story as well and can improve.
Yeah, I think that some of my reviewers are just being lazy:)

So, guys, write a little bit more, I appreciate your comments, but at least some more feedback)

momomon
12th August 2012, 10:33 PM
Yay! so happy to see Peeko again!
You know, maybe you should let Forrest do something as well. It feels like he's just a bystander following Max. But great chapter

RealRaymon
12th August 2012, 11:42 PM
Yay! so happy to see Peeko again!
You know, maybe you should let Forrest do something as well. It feels like he's just a bystander following Max. But great chapter
You know, I don't expect much from Forrest, honestly...She won't be always with Max, but I won't tell much about that, you'll see later.
Anyway, thanks)New Chapter is on the way

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 12:05 AM
The time comes for the another Chapter, but before reading it, please read a post by bobandbill, which is here:
http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?579000-Max-New-Adventures&p=14958901#post14958901

I hope you'll enjoy this one. And I wrote a lot of interesting stuff here, a lot of things to talk about, so don't be lazy in comments:)

The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)

Judge: “The battle between gym leader’s Hariyama and challenger’s Bulbasaur!” (raises both flags up) “Begin!” (spreads his hands)

Brawly: “Well, unexpected choice again, I don’t know about Kanto Pokemon much, but it won’t stop us, dude.”

Randy: “Let’s start. Bulbasaur, use Razor Leaf!”

Bulbasaur: “Bulba!” (as razor-sharp leaves come out from under Bulbasaur's bulb and fly into the opponent)

Brawly: “Use Brick Break to stop these leaves, Hariyama!”

Hariyama: “Hari!”(chops the leaves and stops them)

Brawly: “You see, won’t work!”

Randy: “Use Vine Whip!”

Bulbasaur(quickly): “Bulbasaur!”(two dark green vines come out of the sides of Bulbasaur's bulb and head into Hariyama)

Brawly: “Catch these Vines!”

(Hariyama catches them)

Brawly: “Now, swing it!”

(Hariyama swings Bulbasaur and throws into the wall. Bulbasaur hits it hard)

Randy: “Noo…”

Bulbasaur: “Bul…ba…”(looks tired)

Randy: “I won’t let you hurt anymore! We give up!”

Bulbasaur(surprised): “Bulba?!”(stays quickly and looks at randy) “Bulba-saur…Saur!” (refuses and says he wants to win for Randy)

Randy: “You want to battle for me? Thank you, Bulbasaur! Well, let’s give them all you got!”

Bulbasaur(nods): “Bulba!”

Max: “Wow, what determination! And Bulbasaur is sure a tough one.”

Forrest(nods): “Yeah! A tough cookie, isn’t it?”

Brawly: “Your Pokemon is really strong. But it must be tired. Hariyama, go closer and Seismic Toss!”

(Hariyama runs closer)

Randy: “Use Vine Whip!”

(Bulbasaur uses Vine Whip and ties its legs and Hariyama falls)

Randy: “Now, use Leech Seed!”

Bulbasaur: “Bulba!”(as it jumps and fires a brown seed out of its bulb that hits Hariyama and it becomes wrapped in thin vines
and leaves, which glow red and suck energy from Hariyama)

Randy: “Great job, Bulbasaur!”

Bulbasaur: “Bulba.”(looks confident)

Brawly: “Hariyama, use Cross Chop!”

Hariyama(runs): “Hari!” (Hariyama’s arms glow white, then it forms a cross with them)

Randy: “I know that you are strong, Bulbasaur! Use Solarbeam!”

Bulbasaur: “Saur! Bulbaa…”(takes the sunlight in its bulb)

Brawly: “About time! Strike it, Hariyama!”

Hariyama: “Hari!”(strikes Bulbasaur and a little explosion as the attack hits hard)

Randy: “I can’t see what is on there!”

(Brawly smiles as he hears it. But suddenly surprises when…)

Bulbasaur: “Saur!”(as the place glows bright and Hariyama is hit by a white beam and falls on the ground)

(Bulbasaur shakes and almost falls but that doesn’t matter as Hariyama is unconscious)

Judge: “Hariyama is unable to battle…” (points red flag at it, then raises green flag and points at Bulbasaur) “…Bulbasaur wins
the battle!” (and points at Randy) “and the winner is Randy from Celadon City!”

Randy: “Bulbasaur! You are the best, buddy!”

Bulbasaur(smiles): “Bulba!”

(Randy comes to it and caress it as Brawly comes to him)

Brawly: “You gave me quite a fight! Thanks! And here is your Knuckle Badge!”

Randy: “Great! Thanks, Brawly!”(as he takes a grey badge which is shaped like a boxing glove)

Brawly: “My pleasure!”

(As Randy and Bulbasaur goes to the exit, he sees Max and Forrest)

Max: “Congratulations! You battled great!”

Forrest: “Yeah!”

Randy: “Thanks, guys!”

Max: “And your Bulbasaur is very strong!”

Bulbasaur(embarrassed): “Bulba...”

Randy: “You did great, buddy! You deserved a rest…”

(Bulbasaur nods and Randy returns it. Brawly comes to them)

Max: “Hi, Brawly! I want to ask your gym for a challenge!”

Brawley: “Hi! I accept it, but I can’t battle anymore today, my Pokemon are tired…”

Max: “Well, how about tomorrow?”

Brawley: “I guess I can’t. I’ll participate in a surfing competition. Let’s have it a day after tomorrow!”

Max: “Oh well…Ok, fine with me! We’ll have more time to train!”

Brawly: “Decided!”

(As three boys decide to go to the Pokemon Center. They have a little talk)

Randy: “By the way, my name is Randy. I’m from Celadon City.”

Max: “Mine is Max. I am from Petalburg City.”

Forrest: “And I am Forrest, I am from Rustboro City.”

Max: “So, you are from Kanto?”

Randy: “Yeah.”

Max: “So, why did you decide to go here?”

(At that moment they were entering the Pokemon Center)

Randy: “Well, that all started when..”(sees a Nurse Joy) ““Hi, Nurse Joy!!”

Nurse Joy(friendly and kind as usual): “Hello! Can I help you?”

Randy: “Yes! Nurse Joy, I had a gym battle…Can you look after my Pokemon?”(gives her three Pokeballs)

Nurse Joy: “I sure can!”(takes them) “they’ll be fine and healthy very soon! That’s my job!”

Randy(happily): “Thank you a lot!”

Nurse Joy: “You are welcome!”

(Max, Forrest and Randy go to the tables at the PokeCenter and sit as they continue)

Max(curiously): “So, why did you go here?”

Randy: “Actually, I started my Journey in Kanto. I chose Bulbasaur, because I like it a lot and we are great buddies now! After
some time my family said that they are moving to the new region and I was thrilled and we came here.”

Forrest: “And where are your parents now?”

Randy: “In Sootopolis City.”

Max(shouts): “In Sootopolis City? Wow…”

Randy: “You scared me! Yes, so why are you surprised?”

Max: “Well, I go there now…”

Randy: “But why?”

Max: ““When I was traveling near Sootopolis, I met a Ralts. Actually, I heard its voice and ran towards it. I helped it because
it was sick. After we became close friends we wanted to come together, but I was not old enough to be a trainer and I promised to
come back for it…”

Randy: “So, I understand. By the way, do you want to enter the Hoenn League?”

Max: “I sure do! And I have a Rustboro City badge!” (shows him)

Randy: “Cool! Look at mine”(takes a badge case, opens it)

Max: “The Dewford badge and a…”(sees another one, which is shaped like three raindrops) “A Sootopolis Gym?”

Randy: “It is. It was difficult, but I managed to get through.”

Max: “But I remember that you need 5 Pokemon to battle. So, do you have 5 Pokemon?”

Randy: “Well, no, but the Gym leader agreed on 3 on 3 battle/”

(But the time the Nurse Joy says that the Pokemon are “as good as new” and Randy takes them and thanks Nurse Joy)

Max: “Do you want to train, Randy?”

Randy(thinks): “Well, yes, the practice would be good for me!”

Max: “Great! But let’s find some place to train in…”

(After a long search they quit the town and Randy is confused about where Max is going)

Randy: “Max, what place are you looking for?”

Max: “I want to find a place in the woods. It would be perfect for training my Pokemon.”

Randy: “Oh, ok…”

(After some searching they found a place in the woods near the river and waterfall)

Max: “Oh that suits me fine!”

Forrest(examining the place): “Yay, cool place!”

Randy: “So, how would you like to train?”

Max(touching his glasses): “By a Pokemon battle.”

(Randy smiles)

Randy(excited): “I am very thrilled. Okay, show me your Pokemon..”

Max: “Yeah, Forrest, can you be a judge?”

Forrest: “Sure!”

Randy: “Ok, Max. choose your Pokemon!”

Max(acts in a childish way): “No, you first.”

Randy: “Ok, prepare for this one…”(takes the Pokeball) “I choose you!”(didn’t say whom to make Max waiting even more time)

(As the Pokeball opened, a Pokemon with a brown shell appeared. But it was inside its shell)

Randy: “Oh, it acts like that sometimes…”(to it) “Come on, wake up! We want to battle!”

(as he says so, the light blue body comes out of the shell)

Randy: “Squirtle, like always…”(smiles)

Squirtle(turns around and scratches its head while smiling): “Squirtle…”

Randy(says with a kind voice): “Are you ready now?”

Squirtle(nods): “Squirtle!”(turns around and stays confidently)

Max: “Sure a unique Squirtle…”

Randy: “Well, not only that, but you’ll see later that it has a good moves as well…”

Max: “Ok.”(takes Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Squirtle. TheTiny Turtle Pokémon. Squirtle draws its long neck into its shell to launch incredible water attacks with
amazing range and accuracy. The blasts can be quite powerful.”

Max: “Okay, against it, I choose Treecko! Go!”

Treecko(comes out and smiles): “Treecko!”

Forrest: “Are you ready to begin?”

Both: “Sure!”

Forrest: “Ok, you may begin…”

Max: “Use Bullet Seed!”

Treecko: “Tree-cko!”(jumps and shoots them)

Randy: “Dive underwater, Squirtle!”

Squirtle: “Squirtle!”(jumps in the water)

(Bullet Seed hit water and lose their power)

Randy: “Use Water Gun!”

Squirtle: “Squirtle!”(jumps out water and blasts water out of its mouth)

Max: “Dodge with Quick Attack!”

Treecko: “Treecko!”(as it dodges)

Max: “Use Pound with a spin!”

Randy: “again in the water!”

(Squirtle dives again)

Max: “Use your Power and strike the water!”

Treecko: “Tree…”(hits water and Squirtle jumps out)

Squirtle: “Squirtle??”

Max: “Now use it again!”

Randy: “in the water again!”

Max: “Again?”

(as Treecko comes closer…)

Randy: “Now, use Ice Beam!”

Squirtle: “Squirtle!”(fires light blue beams at Treecko and hit it)

Treecko(falling): “Tree-ccko…”

Max(yells): “Treecko, stand up!”

Treecko(stands): “Treecko!”

???(comes out of water and cries): “Mudkiiiiip!!...”

(all are surprised as they see a hurt and tired Mudkip comes out of the river and cries)

The end of the 11th Chapter.

Roromiya
13th August 2012, 5:16 AM
Aww poor Mudkip :c is one of the trainers going to keep it? Overall great chapter (:
I really like Squirtle's cute personality & its Moveset, also your description of Bulbasaur vs Hariyama was very good.

ultimateblaziken11
13th August 2012, 5:19 AM
Where did the water come from? I think you should have described the area around the pokemon center if you were going to have a lake near it.

dirkac
13th August 2012, 5:52 AM
Wow, I liked the way you described the battle against Hariyama, the battle against the Squirtle was good too!

Errrr. But yeah. I liked that you gave Squirtle a personality, but it seems like you are going to go with the "Ash treatment" which is getting all the starters of a region. And like the above poster said, I do think you should have given a description of what the area looked like, and the Mudkip thing just seems random and just to give an excuse to give Max a pokemon... But the anime does that all the time so Iguess it is okay.

CovertNinja
13th August 2012, 6:36 AM
Yeah... the "Ash treatment" kinda bugs me, but it is your story :) Overall, nice battle description. What surprises me, however, is that he is heading to Sootopolis so early in his journey.

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 9:01 AM
Firs, thanks all of you:)

Aww poor Mudkip :c is one of the trainers going to keep it? Overall great chapter (:
I really like Squirtle's cute personality & its Moveset, also your description of Bulbasaur vs Hariyama was very good.
You'll see the next Chapter if you didn't see the picture I made in the very beginning of my story
And thanks, I really tried to get Pokemon a personality

Where did the water come from? I think you should have described the area around the pokemon center if you were going to have a lake near it.

And like the above poster said, I do think you should have given a description of what the area looked like, and the Mudkip thing just seems random and just to give an excuse to give Max a pokemon
Wow, guys. Didn't you really see that? (After some searching they found a place in the woods near the river and waterfall)


Yeah... the "Ash treatment" kinda bugs me, but it is your story :) Overall, nice battle description. What surprises me, however, is that he is heading to Sootopolis so early in his journey.
Well, Max has his own route)He is not Ash.

P.S.Don't worry about the Ash treatment. Neither Randy or Max would have all the starters. Decided.

ThisIsPatrick
13th August 2012, 11:12 AM
Hi :D

Nice chapter, I hope someone gets to keep the poor mudkip :) Excellent battle description for the Bulbasaur and Hariyama battle.

Sorry I don't comment often, I have been caught up in school stuff :(

amittal12
13th August 2012, 12:18 PM
Will Randy be a travelling companion,as you have already given him some personality and two good Kanto Pokemon.But if he's then all of them(i.e. Max,Forrest and Randy) will be males which wouldn't leave place for a female if you go the 'anime' way unless you are doing something like in AG when 3 males and 1 female were there.Also,there were some small spelling mistakes in the chapter like

Nurse Joy(friendly an kind as usual): “Hello! Can I help you?”

Max: “Hi, Brawly! I want to ask your gym foe a challenge!”

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 1:52 PM
Will Randy be a travelling companion,as you have already given him some personality and two good Kanto Pokemon.But if he's then all of them(i.e. Max,Forrest and Randy) will be males which wouldn't leave place for a female if you go the 'anime' way unless you are doing something like in AG when 3 males and 1 female were there.Also,there were some small spelling mistakes in the chapter like
Thanks, I've corrected them)
About traveling companions...Well, I know WHO and how many would be in the end of Max Adventures: The Beginning, which is the 1st part of his adventures, it will be complicated, but interesting)
You'll see...

Charizard-Fan
13th August 2012, 4:16 PM
Great chapter. I liked Randy's Bulbasaur and Squirtle. They both had good personalities. And the ending was intesting and exciting. And it was good that Bulbasaur beat Hariyama, because Bulbasaur is awesome.
Your describtions in your fan-fic are great. Those are always really detailed. :)

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 6:13 PM
Thanks!) I really try to get at least someone a personality)
So, here is the continuation of the interesting Chapter:)

The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)

(All are surprised. As Mudkip cries all come closer and Max takes it)

Randy: “A Mudkip? Do you have any idea of where it came from?”

Max: “Yeah, I guess…There is a man nearby who hatches and cares for Mudkip until they grow…”(looks at it) “But this Mudkip is not a baby. Well, I think it might have fallen from a Waterfall…Here, take this”(gives it an Oran Berry out of its bag)

Mudkip(refuses): “Kip.”

Treecko(says that it is good): “Treecko.”

Mudkip(mistrustfully): “Mud.”(chews it and likes it)”Mudkip!”

Max: “I knew it will help”

Treecko(happily): “Treecko!”

Forrest: “Do you know where he lives?”

Max: “In the house behind the Waterfall.”

Forrest: “So, we should climb it?”

Max: “Yeah and I am prepared for all this stuff…”(Takes a rope with iron tip) “my friend taught me how to use it.”

Randy: “Well, that’s good…Let’s go.”

(They return their Pokemon and go climb the Waterfall. Before this Max puts Mudkip in the bag but don’t close it as Mudkip can breathe. Max throws his rope and checks if it is hit right and then they climb over it. When this is done they go through the woods and finally see a house and many Mudkips swimming and playing. The old man with a haircut like Mudkip is searching for someone. He notices Mudkip which is walking with Max as Max took it out of the bag)

Old Man Swamp: “Here you are! I was so worried…”(looks at kids) “Hi! My name is Swamp! Thanks for saving my Mudkip!”

(all of them introduced themselves)

Max(to Mudkip): “Mudkip, go to your friends!”

Mudkip: “Mu-u-d?”(thinks about something and goes in the river)

Max: “By the way, I noticed that Mudkip is not a baby, it is a good one.”

Swamp: “Yeah, I know. I was going to send it to a Pokemon Center, so a beginning trainer can receive it.”

Max: “Oh, I understand!”

Randy: “Mudkip are very rare, so why do you have so many of them?”

Swamp: “I receive many Mudkip Eggs from the Pokémon League and raise them to be starter Pokémon for beginning Trainers of the Hoenn region.”(points at house) “Let’s go, I’ll show these eggs for you.”(he shows them the eggs and is surprised as it glows white)
“Oh…it is close to hatching!”

(as all of them see this picture)
http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/5/55/Mudkiphatching2.gif

Mudkip: “Kip?”

Swamp: “Welcome!”

Forrest: “Wow, it is so wonderful!”

Max: “Can I take it?”

Swamp: “Well, give it a try…”(as he is not sure)

Max(takes Mudkip): “Mudkip, you are so сute!”

Mudkip(smiles): “Kip!”

Max: “Let’s fly together!”(as he walks over the room with this Mudkip)

(By the way, the other Mudkip, the older, looks at Max and becomes a little bit angry. Swamp sees it and understands something)

(After some time in the house they all come out and Mudkip manages to remain “unseen”)

Max: “It was quite an adventure today…Let’s head home!”

(Forrest and Randy agree, but suddenly the angry Mudkip shouts and comes to Max)

Mudkip: “Mudkip!!Mud!”

Max: “What’s up with you?”

Swamp: “You know, Max…I think it is jealous because you played with the other Mudkip…I think it really likes you and wants to go with you.”

Max(surprised): “Is it really true?”

Mudkip(nods): “Kip!”(and blasts water at him)

Swamp: “It shows you it wants to battle you first.”

Max: “Well, that’s fine. Ok, Mudkip, prepare for a battle…”

(Mudkip looks prepared)

Forrest: “Wow, look at his eyes!”

Randy(looks at them): “Yes, Mudkip looks very serious for its age…”

Swamp: “Quite determined look. I’ve never seen Mudkip as that before.”

Max: “Okay, as for you, I choose Treecko!”

(Treecko appears and looks determined as well)

Treecko(looks at Mudkip): “Treecko.”

Mudkip: “Mudkip.”

Max: “Use Pound!”

Treecko(obediently): “Treecko.”

(Treecko runs towards Mudkip. Prepares to strike with its tail, but Mudkip jumps and Tackles Treecko with its body. After two attacks colliding Max orders Treecko to use Quick Attack)

Mudkip(frightened): “Mudkip…!”

(Treecko comes very close and stops when sees Mudkip crying)

Mudkip(smiles craftily): “Mud-kiipp!” (and shoots water at Treecko)

Treecko: “Tree…”(is hurt, but stays on the ground)

Max: “Wow, nice move! It is sure a clever Pokemon!”

Randy: “Fake Tears attack?”

Forrest(surprised): “Imagine how strange it is…”

Max: “Don’t let it deceive you again. Use Dig”

Treecko: “Cko.”(as it began to dig its way)

Max: “Now, Strike!”

(as Treecko jumps out of the ground, Mudkip senses it, dodges, and slaps mud using its tail)

Mudkip(laughs): “Mud-kip-kip!”

Max: “Bullet Seed!”

(As Treecko uses the attack, Mudkip is hit and falls)

Max: “Okay, go Pokeball!”(as he throws it at Mudkip)

(As Pokeball hits Mudkip, it glows red and takes it in the Pokeball. It shakes some time but Max is not worried at all. hen it makes noise that it is caught)

Max(happily): “Whoah! I caught a Mudkip!”(takes the Pokeball)
“Come out, my new friend!”

Mudkip(comes out with closed eyes, then opens them, looks around, sees Max and jumps in his hands and gently caress him): “Mudkip!”

(And the scene ends when all laugh and smile about that and later Max, Forrest and Randy are seen going off this place and seeing off Swamp)

Randy: “So, how do you feel to battle me tomorrow?”

Max: “That’s fine, but first, let’s go take some sleep!”

The end of the 12th Chapter.

And I think I introduce a new thing to you...)After each chapter I'll ad at least one question that you can answer, so you can think about that as well(you can answer it ot not it is your choice, but still comment like you used to:))
So, the question of this Chapter is:
Which Pokemon(of Ash's adventures) does Mudkip's behaviour remind you of?

TheSirPeras
13th August 2012, 6:29 PM
Woah nice chapter! Like usual you described the battle well, and the setting was good too, I could imagina everything in my head, good job for that!
Mudkip reminds me of Oshawott and Chikorita when they get/got jealous of Pikachu :) Especially Chikorita when it got super mad at Ash and Pikachu xD

ultimateblaziken11
13th August 2012, 7:02 PM
Cool chapter.

Also, I've noticed that you don't tell the genders of the Pokemon?

I'm not sure if thats important, but thats all I could think of saying.

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 7:18 PM
Cool chapter.
Also, I've noticed that you don't tell the genders of the Pokemon?
I'm not sure if thats important, but thats all I could think of saying.
Ok, I guess I should make bios for Max's Pokemon)
But I'll make it detailed and with pictures, so wait

P.S. It is male)

Charizard-Fan
13th August 2012, 9:00 PM
Good chapter. It was good that Max caught Mudkip, although it didn't surprise me at all. And I liked Swamp and that that he had many Mudkip eggs and that they go to starting trainers. And Treecko vs Mudkip was good and exciting. And I liked it that Mudkip became attached to Max and it made Max getting Mudkip an emotional event.
PS. I hope Taillow and Mudkip get to battle soon. Max hasn't used Taillow much and he just caught Mudkip. But I understand why Max has used Treecko a lot: he has often had a type-advantage and Max always uses Pokemon that has a type-advantage.

RealRaymon
13th August 2012, 10:32 PM
Good chapter. It was good that Max caught Mudkip, although it didn't surprise me at all. And I liked Swamp and that that he had many Mudkip eggs and that they go to starting trainers. And Treecko vs Mudkip was good and exciting. And I liked it that Mudkip became attached to Max and it made Max getting Mudkip an emotional event.
PS. I hope Taillow and Mudkip get to battle soon. Max hasn't used Taillow much and he just caught Mudkip. But I understand why Max has used Treecko a lot: he has often had a type-advantage and Max always uses Pokemon that has a type-advantage.
Thanks!)It was sure an emotional event)
Well, they'll battle soon. I have one thing in mind, but I am not sure if I can make it happen in Dewford...But Randy and Max would have a chance to train...And Treecko will take a rest this time:)

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
14th August 2012, 1:06 AM
Both parts of the two parter chapters were excellent!
I really like the reference yet again about Max meeting Ralts! I found it so sweet and it brings back memories. The recent chapter was cute, mainly beacuse of that Mudkip eggs and that image of it hatching!
I thought of an idea, maybe you could do a flash back filler of when Max was travelling with Ash. It could be from an episode or an off-screen flash back, just an idea.
Anyway great work as usual!

CovertNinja
14th August 2012, 1:07 AM
Well, Max has his own route)He is not Ash.

P.S.Don't worry about the Ash treatment. Neither Randy or Max would have all the starters. Decided.

Its kinda odd that they each have the water and grass starters from each region...

RealRaymon
14th August 2012, 1:22 AM
Its kinda odd that they each have the water and grass starters from each region...
well, I like these types, but what's wrong with giving Randy(the character who is like me:))Pokemon I like?)
btw, what do you think of the chapters/question?

Both parts of the two parter chapters were excellent!
I really like the reference yet again about Max meeting Ralts! I found it so sweet and it brings back memories. The recent chapter was cute, mainly beacuse of that Mudkip eggs and that image of it hatching!
I thought of an idea, maybe you could do a flash back filler of when Max was travelling with Ash. It could be from an episode or an off-screen flash back, just an idea.
Anyway great work as usual!
thank you!)well, I'll try to do something like that)

CovertNinja
14th August 2012, 3:43 AM
Okay... I understand, it just seems a bit repetitive though. Answer to the Question: Erm... Squirtle?

RealRaymon
14th August 2012, 12:39 PM
Answer to the Question: Erm... Squirtle?
no)it reminds me of Ash's Cnikorita(of being jealeous) and Brock's Bonsly(fake teaes)

momomon
15th August 2012, 12:18 AM
Wow a treeko and a mudkip! I wonder if he'll get a torchik also to complete the pack!

RealRaymon
15th August 2012, 10:56 AM
I wonder if he'll get a torchik also to complete the pack!
No, I don't think so, because I don't want to gove him "ASH treatment", but I still think who can be a good fire-type in his team

CovertNinja
15th August 2012, 8:28 PM
When is the next chapter?

RealRaymon
15th August 2012, 9:03 PM
When is the next chapter?
I hope tomorrow:)
I didn't really have any time at all to write more than a few sentences last two days(

CovertNinja
15th August 2012, 11:14 PM
Yeah... that's why I cant put any chapters out on my fic :(

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 1:53 AM
Whew...finally, I wrote the Chapter, that everyone SHOULD read! Because you all will be really happy of reading it!)
Enjoy! All for you:)

The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!

(Max, Forrest and Randy wake up at PokeCenter in the morning. They get dressed and go to the main floor of the Center)

Max: “Guys, I want to make a call.”

Randy: “Ok, I’ll go and have some breakfast.” (to Forrest) “Would you join me?”

Forrest(agrees): “Yeah, fine with me. Ok, Max. See ya later.”

(As they split up, the story divides into two parts that happen in one period of time, but the 1st one is with Max, and the 2nd with Randy and Forrest)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Max goes to the device that people use to call and connects with his Mom)

(Caroline walks to the videophone and sees Max)

Caroline(happily): “Oh, hi dear! How have you been? It is nice to see you!”

Max: “I’m doing great! And look what I’ve got already!”(puts the bag on the table, takes out the badge case and opens it)
“Here is the badge I won at Rustboro City!”(shows her the badge in the badge case)

Caroline(looks at it): “That’s great!”(turns right) “Norman, come here! Max is calling and he earned a badge already!”

Norman(shouts): “Max? Wait, I’m coming!”

Caroline(to Max): “And how many Pokemon do you have?”

Max(in a proud way): “Three of them. I caught…”(got interrupted)

Norman: “Hi, Max! I heard you got a badge!”

Max: “Yep. I beat Roxanne.”

Norman: “Oh, I am very proud of you! How many Pokemon do you have?”

Max: “Three. You know what, I’ll show them to you!”(takes the Pokeball) “Come out, everyone!”

(The Pokemon come out)

Taillow(flying a little bit above Max): “Taillow!”

Treecko(standing cool and happy at the same time): “Treecko.”

Mudkip(jumps in Max hands and looks at the screen): “Kip!”

Norman: “Oh, very good collection of Pokemon here! Hi Taillow! How are you doing?”

Taillow(nods and smiles): “Low!”

Caroline: “Hi Treecko! Glad to see you!”

Treecko(happily): “Treecko!”

Caroline()looking at Mudkip: “Aww, who is so cute Pokemon?! How are you doing?”

Mudkip(looking with surprised eyes at her, than at Max): “Kiip?”

Max: “Max, it is my Mom and my Dad, say hi!”

Mudkip(understands and greets them): “Mudkip!”

Max: “I’ve just caught it.”

Norman: “Oh, that’s fine. Where are you now, by the way?”

Max: “I am in Dewford Town!”

Norman: “So, you are in Dewford…Have you challenged Brawly?”

Max: “No, I’m just planning to…and we’ll have some training today, would we?”(looks at Treecko, Taillow and Mudkip)

(The Pokemon nod)

Max: “Any news about May? How she is doing?”

Caroline: “She said that she got fifth ribbon recently and now she is training very hard for the Johto Grand Festival. She said that she is very busy, but we told her about you and she is very proud of you. She said hi to you and wished good luck on your journey…”

Max: “Wow, that’s so touching…I wish her good luck as well. But I won’t disturb her, even if I want to call her…”

Norman: “You know what Max? I know whom can you call to!”(smiles)

Max(thrilled): “Wow. Whom can I call to?”

Norman: “One friend of yours had just come from his journey….”

(The scene of the PokeCenter changes to the scene of the building, which stands out for its wind turbine, the three windows of the inner balcony, and for the four windows of the second floor. The entrance to this building is surrounded by a lot of trees and a gate. Inside this building, or a lab, the old, white-haired man sits and does some researches and makes some notes in his notebook. He heard the call ringing and told his assistant, the black-haired young man, with green T-shirt that the videophone was ringing)

Professor Oak(says with a busy voice): “Tracey, somebody is on the Phone!”

Tracey(comes with hands full of books): “I am tidying up the Lab, Professor. Please answer it…”

Professor Oak(gets up): “Okay, okay…”(turns on the Phone and sees Max on screen)

Max(very happy): “Hi, Professor!”

Professor Oak(surprised in a good way): “Oh…Hi Max! How are you?”

Max: “I am doing great Professor, I already have my own Pokemon!”

Professor Oak: “That’s great Max! I am curious, what Pokemon do you have?”

Max: “Look at them.”

(Max tells them to greet Professor. as Taillow flies up, Treecko climbs one one shoulder and Mudkip on the other)

Max: “Say hi to Professor!”

(Pokemon greet him)

Professor Oak: “You have a very good team Max, and moreover, you have a 2 starter Pokemon…very interesting.”

Max(agrees): “Yeah. I chose Treecko as a starter, but I caught this Mudkip recently. Right, pal?”

Mudkip(nods): “Kip.”

Professor Oak: “So, Max, how can I help you?”

Max: “You know, Professor, I heard that Ash returned to Pallet Town. How can I talk to him?”

Professor Oak: “You know Max, you are lucky, he is now here at my Lab, playing with his Pokemon.”

Max: “Can you call for him?”

Professor Oak(nods): “Sure. I’ll just tell Tracey to do that.”

(As Professor told Tracey, he went to the Professor Oak’s field, where a boy in black and yellow jacket with white collar and sleeves, as well as blue jeans and red-black sneakers and red hat, plays with his Pokemon)

Tracey(comes): “Ash, you have a call there!”

Ash(surprised): “Yeah? Okay, I’ll come and see who is it.”(goes off as the yellow mouse with red cheeks and black stripes jumps on his shoulder. As he comes in the room…)

Professor Oak: “The right food for Pokemon is very important and you know, all Pokemon like different sort of food…”

Max: “I know all of this, Professor, thanks to you!”(sees another face in the screen)

Ash(looks at him): “Oh, I can’t believe it, Max!”

Pikachu(said the same): “Pika!”

Max: “Hi Ash! Hi Pikachu! I am happy to see you!”

Ash: “We are glad to see you too! Isn’t it…Wow, don’t tell me that they are your Pokemon!”

Max: “They sure are! Say hi to Ash and Pikachu!”

They: “Tai-kip-cko!”

Ash: “Hi!”

Pikachu: “Pika!”

Ash: “Wow! So, your dream came true! How are you doing and where are you now?”

Max: “I’ve earned one badge!”(shows him)

Ash: “Well, isn’t it a Stone Badge?”

Max: “It is. And I am n Dewford Now.”

Ash: “So, you are prepared to beat Brawly?!”

Max: “Well, I hope to, but we’ll have some training today, would we?”(looks at Treecko, Taillow and Mudkip)

(The Pokemon nod)”

Ash(laughs): “Haha, you have such a cool Pokemon! But whom did you choose as a starter?”

Max: “I chose Treecko as a starter.”(looks at Treecko) “Than I caught a Taillow in Petalburg Woods and I caught a Mudkip in a lake nearby. Do you remember old man Swamp, who raises Mudkip?”

Ash: “Sure. And did he raised yours?”

Max: “Yeah. And how is your journey?”

Ash: “I just came back from the Sinnoh region. I was in a Top-4 in the Tournament!”

Max: “Wow! Top-4? You did a great job, Ash!”

Ash: “Yeah, thanks Max. Are you planning on entering the league?”

Max: “Yeah, the Hoenn League! And after that I challenge you to a battle!”

Ash(smiles happily): “Sure! A promise is a promise. Well, I have to go…”

Max: “Ash, last question, what are you planning to do next?”

Ash: “Well, I don’t know yet…Okay, I was very happy to see you, hope we meet you soon!”

Pikachu(nods): “Chu.”

Max: “I was really happy as well. Bye Ash, see you soon! Bye Professor!”

(As they end a talk, Max tells his Pokemon)

Max: “Well, let’s go eat something!”

(Max and Pokemon happily go to the canteen where Forrest and Randy are)

The end of 13th Chapter.

Dawn+Serena Fan
16th August 2012, 2:03 AM
Yay Ash appears XD
So it's awesome that the setting of the story takes place right after the Sinnoh League. Just 1 question...will Dawn be appearing in the fanfic, since she was supposed to go to Hoenn? XD

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 4:10 AM
Yay Ash appears XD
So it's awesome that the setting of the story takes place right after the Sinnoh League. Just 1 question...will Dawn be appearing in the fanfic, since she was supposed to go to Hoenn? XD
yeah)but I won't tell when because it is a secret)

ultimateblaziken11
16th August 2012, 5:58 AM
Excellent chapter :3

I do notice some minor grammar problems, such as saying "Wow, you have such a cool Pokemon!" when Ash is talking about all three of them (if I'm not mistaken), and also saying "Yeah. And did he raised yours?"

But those are minor, and the story was awesome!

amittal12
16th August 2012, 12:23 PM
Great fillers there mate.Like the above user said there were some grammatical mistakes.It was great to see Ash.Is he planning to go to Unova because in the conversation no mention of Unova was there?It would have been great if Ash brought his Sceptile and Swellow to meet Max's Treecko and Taillow because(as i think) he must be free having still not decided to go anywhere.Also there could've been a flashback in which Ash caught his Treecko and Taillow and may be some connection could've been made between Ash's Swellow and Max's Taillow.For eg: Max's Taillow could have been revealed to be the new leader of the group of Taillow that Ash's Swellow originally was and could have remembered him.

EDIT:


No, I don't think so, because I don't want to gove him "ASH treatment", but I still think who can be a good fire-type in his team

For a Fire type,I think you should have either a Camerupt or a Magcargo because all the other Fire Types in Hoenn Pokedex have already appeared in anime(i.e May's Blaziken,Ash's Torkoal and Brock's Vulpix).

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 12:43 PM
thanks!)and you know, the idea of meeting ash's and max's Pokemon is really great)I hope I can do that on next 5-10 chapters after Max finally meets Ralts...)

As for Ash, I didn't mention Unova because I want him to go back or do something else before going there

As for the fire-type, you know what....I just don't like camerupt and mccargo at all...(

Dawn and Piplup
16th August 2012, 1:33 PM
I was away on holiday so I have to catch up
I am just finished chapter 4. :)
I enjoyed it.

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 3:21 PM
Great that you are back!)
I am happy that you liked it, comment whenever you want to, all my dear readers

TheSirPeras
16th August 2012, 5:03 PM
Woah great chapter! One thing, I think you should have described Ash's journey in Sinnoh more, since Max would probably love to hear about it. But that's your choice ;) Great chapter!

Charizard-Fan
16th August 2012, 7:07 PM
Great chapter and it was awesome to see old characters, like Professor Oak and Ash again.
I hope gym battle will be pretty soon.

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 7:11 PM
I think you should have described Ash's journey in Sinnoh more, since Max would probably love to hear about it.
Well...)We all know what was with Ash, but I want to focus more on Max journey. But I hope when they meet I can describe it more)

I hope gym battle will be pretty soon.
It will take place from 16 till 17th Chapter:)

Thanks for the comments!

Charizard-Fan
16th August 2012, 7:15 PM
Is it allowed to make suggestions about what other Pokemon Max will catch in the future?

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 7:38 PM
Is it allowed to make suggestions about what other Pokemon Max will catch in the future?
You can talk about anything here:)Sure!
You can also make suggestions about the characters Max will meet or which Pokemon gym leaders will use

Charizard-Fan
16th August 2012, 7:39 PM
You can talk about anything here:)Sure!
You can also make suggestions about the characters Max will meet or which Pokemon gym leaders will use

Good! :)
So, I think it would be great if Max would capture Beldum.

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 7:41 PM
Good! :)
So, I think it would be great if Max would capture Beldum.
I thought about it, but he will have a good Psychic type)

Charizard-Fan
16th August 2012, 7:44 PM
I thought about it, but he will have a good Psychic type)

You mean Ralts, right?

RealRaymon
16th August 2012, 7:58 PM
You mean Ralts, right?
Of course)

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
16th August 2012, 11:45 PM
YAY!!! Ash was in this chapter!
I'm really glad you put him in, it made the chapter better than if it was just all phone calls.
So if Ash has just finished travelling to Sinnoh that means by the time Max gets a couple more badges, Ash will be in Unova.
Since Ash is introduced are you planning on showing a battle that he promised to Max sometime? You could use his Unova pokemon! Maybe before the league and Brock could make a cameo because he now longer travels with Ash. Oh and Dawn too.
Anyway this was a surprising chapter, I hope you have more on the way.

momomon
17th August 2012, 1:41 AM
Some grammar mistakes but other than that it was just fine. I wonder if Ash is going to give Max a surprise visit or any other one of his friends! Maybe, since Max is on his own, he should meet Jirachi again. That would be awesome!

RealRaymon
17th August 2012, 7:40 AM
YAY!!! Ash was in this chapter!
I'm really glad you put him in, it made the chapter better than if it was just all phone calls.
So if Ash has just finished travelling to Sinnoh that means by the time Max gets a couple more badges, Ash will be in Unova.
Since Ash is introduced are you planning on showing a battle that he promised to Max sometime? You could use his Unova pokemon! Maybe before the league and Brock could make a cameo because he now longer travels with Ash. Oh and Dawn too.
Anyway this was a surprising chapter, I hope you have more on the way.
You have many predictions here, don't you?)We don't know how much time have been before Ash returning to Pallet Town and going to Unova, so I don't want him still to go there(to Unova)
About the battle, I want to make them battling, but obviously, not now)Ash would win oll of Max's Pokemon with one of his

Some grammar mistakes but other than that it was just fine. I wonder if Ash is going to give Max a surprise visit or any other one of his friends! Maybe, since Max is on his own, he should meet Jirachi again. That would be awesome!
About grammar mistakes...I'll take it into account and I will re-read my chapters once more before posting, so I can correct my mistakes)
About Jirachi, I haven't seen the movie)

P.S. I've finally decided on what Pokemon to give Max. I mean the last two(besides Treecko, Taillow, Mudkip and Ralts)

RealRaymon
17th August 2012, 12:43 PM
Hi, my dear readers! I post the new Chapter, it is an unusual one, as it is focused on Forrest. I hope you like it!)
And I started to check my spelling and grammar by re-reading it before posting, so I think it is good:)

The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!

Max: “Guys, I want to make a call.”

Randy: “Ok, I’ll go and have some breakfast.” (to Forrest) “Would you join me?”

Forrest(agrees): “Yeah, fine with me. Ok, Max. See ya later.”
__________________________________________

(As they go there and find a place to sit, they begin a conversation)

Randy: “So, you know where I came from and how I got my Pokemon…So, what about you?”

Forrest: “You know, it is a very long story.”(starts talking with a deep voice)
“When I and my twin-brother, Forrester, were a little bit younger, we were living in Azalea Town, in the Johto region. All people there are fond of Bug Pokemon. My Mom was not the exception. She was always talking about them, so we didn’t have another choice, but do the same. But now I can tell you that Bug-type Pokemon are the best without a doubt.”

Randy: “Well, I like them too, but don’t you like another types?”

Forrest: “I do, but you know, I derive pleasure only by training bug-types.”

Randy(with understanding): “I see…So, is there anything more that you can tell me?”

Forrest: “Well, both of us started to get interested in Bug-Pokemon, and on our 10-th birthday, our mother gave us our first Pokemon. She gave me Ledyba and my brother a Spinarak. We went on our journey, as Bug-catchers, and pretty soon…”(as he remembers it in a flashback)
__________________________________________

Forrest: “There are so many bugs here, but you know, I want to catch the bug boss…”

Forrester: “Bug boss, you mean Heracross?”

Forrest: “Yeah!”

Forrester: “But I don’t think so.”

Forrest: “Oh, that’s just a byname. Don’t take it too seriously.”

Forrester: “Oh, okay…I would like to catch a Yanma. It flies so gracefully. And when I see their eyes, I just…”(imagines and then stops and asks) “Anyway, do you want to catch a Heracross with a Ledyba?”

Forrest: “Well…I am not sure…And do you want to catch Yanma with a Spinarak?”

Forrester(thinks): “Well…What should we do?”

Forrest: “I think that we should train our Pokemon more…”

(And then they started training them, by battling Caterpies and Weedles, by battling with Each other…and finally…The scene is shown where Spinarak and Ledyba battle each other)

Forrest: “You can do it, Ledyba, use Dizzy Punch”

(Ledyba’s arms glowed yellow and it flew into Spinarak)

Forrester(yells): “Spinarak, stay strong! Use Poison Jab!”

(Spinarak’s white horn glowed purple and it was waiting for the right moment to strike. Two Pokemon were already exhausted, but they didn’t give up and two attacks collided, making them fall on the grass)

Forrest: “Get up, Ledyba!”

Forrester: “You too, Spinarak!”

(As they started to get up, they looked at each other with cool faces and then they began to glow white)

Forrest: “Ledyba, what’s with you?”

Forrester: “No way, they are evolving!”
__________________________________________

Forrest: “So, that’s how we trained and very soon we caught a Heracross and Yanma…”

Randy: “But how did you get to Hoenn?”

Forrest: Well, one day our Mom told us that we are moving to Rustboro City because she wanted to see all the Pokemon here…We arrived in Hoenn…We started being rangers here, helping newbie trainers and protecting the woods. Our Mom moved to another region after a while, but we stayed together. Very soon this life started to bore me, but one day I met a girl, May, Max’s sister, I saw that she was free, no obligations and this inspired me to start travelling. I started on my own and very soon I came back, because I felt lonely. So, I decided to start traveling again after Max came back. Well, I guess that’s it…”

(Randy was impressed by this story. They also see that Max was coming with his Pokemon.)

Max: “Hey guys, I am back! We are going to have a breakfast and then we’ll do some training!”

Randy: “That’s great! Let’s eat something?”

(They had a breakfast and they came out of the Pokemon Center)

Forrest: “What kind of training do you want?”

Randy: “You know, I have a good bug-type Pokemon. And I want to train it by fighting your byg-type.”

Max: “That sounds great!”

Forrest: “I don’t mind. Okay, let’s start!”

(As usual, they stand against each other and Max is judging them)

Randy(very confident): “I choose you, Butterfree!”

Butterfree(comes out): “Freee…”

Forrest: “Come out Ledian!”

Ledian: “Ledi…”

Pokedex: “Butterfree, the Butterfly Pokémon. Butterfree is the evolved form of Metapod. The scales covering its wings help it to shed water.”

Max: “That is a cool Pokemon!”

Randy: “Thanks!”

Forrest: “Well, really interesting matchup!”

(Two trainers prepared to battle with two of their bug-type Pokemon, It was very sunny, but not hot, so the weather was perfect for them. Who’ll be victorious? We’ll soon find out)

The end of the 14th Chapter.

bobandbill
17th August 2012, 4:30 PM
So I actually have a bit of time now, so you get a review now! =p Only doing the last two chapters with quotes though.

Overall it's continuing well; the characters are being established nicely and backstory like the one in the last chapter is fun to read (and also helpful given I do not know about many minor characters in the anime). I can't comment much about them being accurate representations but I get the feeling that they are, especially as more major characters I do know something about are portrayed well.

The story is going alright at its own pace too; it does feel sorta like the anime there. I did raise an eyebrow with Max getting two starter Pokemon, just because they are rare Pokemon canonically. It's not too bad though and the fact that people like Prof Oak comment on it with interest as well is a good way to keep things in check so to speak (but that still depends how you handle how easily Max goes through his adventure =p).

The main mistake you're making atm has to do with a lack of spaces:

Randy: “Ok, I’ll go and have some breakfast.” (to Forrest) “Would you join me?”

Forrest(agrees): “Yeah, fine with me. Ok, Max. See ya later.”You'd want to put a space between Forrest and (agrees) - it's a bit distracting and as it happens near every line it continues to be so throughout each chapter. Notice also that To Forrest' works better. (You wouldn't start a command or direction with 'wash dishes. walks away.' etc - you'd want to start it with a capital like a regular sentence so it doesn't look out-of-place next to the rest).

(As they split up, the story divides into two parts that happen in one period of time, but the 1st one is with Max, and the 2nd with Randy and Forrest)Although such things may be good with a script I'm a bit unsure of this one; it seems a bit unnecessary here to explain it here.

Caroline(looks at it): “That’s great!”(turns right) “Norman, come here! Max is calling and he earned a badge already!”Another example of the spacing issue, but another point is that you could maybe consider adding a bit more stage direction on how people react. Here we can tell she likes the badge and all, but maybe say having her gasp or stare at it, etc would also show the reader she's interested in it just that bit more, without stating it bluntly. Other exampls include characters saying stuff 'happily' - adding a bit more of what they do while speaking that would also show such things (smiling, or just some natural action) and establish said fact in a more interesting way. That said, don't overdo it.

Professor Oak: “That’s great Max!Put a comma before 'Max' there as he's talking to him by name.

Max: “It is. And I am n Dewford Now.”in, now.

Ash: “Sure. And did he raised yours?”raise. Watch for small typos like this. Spell/grammar check would have likely picked up on these things too, so be sure to use those.

Forrest: “Well, both of us started to get interested in Bug-Pokemon, and on our 10-th birthday,10th; no need for the hyphen. I'd say the same for Bug-Pokemon; just go with Bug Pokemon.

Very soon this life started to bore me, but one day I met a girl, May, Max’s sister, I saw that she was free, no obligations and this inspired me to start travellingThis sounds a bit unnatural. It's a run on sentence in that he's saying too much without any major pause in speech. Fine if say he is in a rush to speak or something, but this isn't the case here.

Randy: “You know, I have a good bug-type Pokemon. And I want to train it by fighting your byg-type.”Earlier you referred to them as Bug Pokemon (on that note you could also go without hyphens here), but now you use bug-type. Either way is fine, but be sure to be consistent with it. That is, stick to one way or the other rather than use both.


Keep it up!

ChloboShoka
17th August 2012, 4:46 PM
I don't usually read script fics because they can be very hard to pull off and they're not as easy as other people make them out to be. But I thought this was very well done, I have seen other fics around about Max's journey, and I think this one stands out because Max is in character and I liked the anime style atmosphere because it makes the story feel like another side of the canon universe. The format took time for me to get used to, but other than that I thought you did a good job.

Charizard-Fan
17th August 2012, 6:47 PM
Great chapter! I think it was good that this time Forrest was the main character and not Max. It was good and refreshing change.
I also think that you told well about Forrest's past. It was an interesting idea and you made it well. Flashbacks were cool and they told well about Forrest and Forrester and their love for Bug Pokemon.
The ending was good and exciting. And it's good that Forrest battles now, since he hasn't so far battled almost at all.

RealRaymon
17th August 2012, 8:18 PM
Earlier you referred to them as Bug Pokemon (on that note you could also go without hyphens here), but now you use bug-type. Either way is fine, but be sure to be consistent with it.
bobandbill, thanks very much for your time! You sure helped, but there is one thing that I put in a quote...
Bug Pokemon was said by Forrest, and Bug Type was said by Randy. I mean that different people can call the same thing differently, don't you agree)

I don't usually read script fics because they can be very hard to pull off and they're not as easy as other people make them out to be. But I thought this was very well done, I have seen other fics around about Max's journey, and I think this one stands out because Max is in character and I liked the anime style atmosphere because it makes the story feel like another side of the canon universe. The format took time for me to get used to, but other than that I thought you did a good job.
Thanks!)I hope you'll keep reading it)

Great chapter! I think it was good that this time Forrest was the main character and not Max. It was good and refreshing change.
I also think that you told well about Forrest's past. It was an interesting idea and you made it well. Flashbacks were cool and they told well about Forrest and Forrester and their love for Bug Pokemon.
The ending was good and exciting. And it's good that Forrest battles now, since he hasn't so far battled almost at all.
Thanks:)
Yes, I remembered what somebody(not sure whom)said that I should let Forrest do something)So, that's why I did it(this chapter) about him, not Max.

Dawn+Serena Fan
17th August 2012, 8:25 PM
Interesting chapter, we get to see some background and flashbacks, which I enjoyed. Also I can't wait to see who wins this battle between Butterfree and Ledian in the next chapter. Good job so far.

RealRaymon
17th August 2012, 10:16 PM
Interesting chapter, we get to see some background and flashbacks, which I enjoyed. Also I can't wait to see who wins this battle between Butterfree and Ledian in the next chapter. Good job so far.
I glad you enjoyed it)
I hope I make the battle interesting)

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
17th August 2012, 10:47 PM
This was a different chapter.
Its nice to see companions of the main character have a main role once in a while, which you did.
I would really like to see some character development for Forrest in a few chapters once in a while to give it that anime feel, mainly because I hardly notice him. Are you planning on giving Max another companion? Or are you just planning on keeping it as is? I'm fine with both. I hope some legendary pokemon appear and maybe some 3 chapter story arcs. Your fafic makes me predict, I can't help it! Oh, and maybe make the next one a little bit longer?
I can't wait for next chapter!

RealRaymon
17th August 2012, 11:03 PM
This was a different chapter.
Its nice to see companions of the main character have a main role once in a while, which you did.
I would really like to see some character development for Forrest in a few chapters once in a while to give it that anime feel, mainly because I hardly notice him. Are you planning on giving Max another companion? Or are you just planning on keeping it as is? I'm fine with both. I hope some legendary pokemon appear and maybe some 3 chapter story arcs. Your fafic makes me predict, I can't help it! Oh, and maybe make the next one a little bit longer?
I can't wait for next chapter!
Thanks!)Well, Forrest plays minor role in my fic, so I can focus on Max, but I wanted you to know his background)
About traveling companions, neither of your choices. What do I mean? You'll see soon)
About legendaries, sadly I don't have plans for them...(
Well, I'll try to, but Gym battle will be long for sure)

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 1:22 AM
Hi once again! I tried to make this chapter very interesting as well(and a bit longer than the previous one), so check it out and I hope you like it:)

The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!

Max(gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokeballs): “Come out, everyone!”

Treecko(looks refreshed and serious): “Treecko.”

Mudkip(surprised): “Kip?”(sees Max) “Mud!”(and smiles)

Taillow(gracefully flying in the air): “Taillow!”

Max(looks at Taillow and tells it to come closer to him): “Come here, Taillow.”

Taillow: “Low?”

Max: “Since it is a battle between two flying Pokemon, I think that you can learn from them. So, look closely, ok?”

Taillow(nods): “Low.”

Max(stands in the middle of the battlefield): “Okay, Randy…”(looks at him) “Forrest, are you ready?”

Both: “Sure!”

Max: “Well, you can start battling…”

Forrest: “Okay, Ledian, use Mach Punch!”

Ledian: “Ledi!”

(Its arms glowed lightblue and it headed into Butterfree)

Randy: “Tackle it!”

Butterfree: “Free…”

(Butterfree prepared to strike the opponent with amazing speed. The two attack collide and these two bug Pokemon were soaring gracefully)

Forrest: “Use Mach Punch once more!”

(Ledian used the attack once more)

Randy: “Tackle it again!”

(As the two attacks collide once again, the power of both Pokémon’s attack seem to be equal. But judging by determined look on the faces of Randy and Forrest, both of them have tricks up their sleeve)

Forrest: “Try your Swift attack!”

Ledian: “Ledian! Ledi!...”(a lot of yellow stars came out of its flapping wings)

Randy: “Use your Psybeam!”

Butterfree: “Free!”

(Butterfree unleashed a multi-coloured beam from its eyes and the two attacks collided)

Forrest: “Okay. The time for the secret attack. Use Thunderpunch!”

(Ledian’s arms glowed yellow and electricity sparkled from them)

Max: “Thunderpunch?”

Forrest: “Yeah. I felt that Ledian should overcome its flying type weakness and here we go!”

Randy: “Not bad! But this is not so threatening for a trainer like me!”

(as he waited for Ledian to come close and…)

Randy: “Use Gust!”

(Butterfree started flapping wings very quickly and very strong wind hit Ledian. Its Thunderpunch lost power and Ledian fell on the ground)

Randy: “Use Sleep Powder!”

Butterfree: “Free…”

(Butterfree started to release blue, shining powder comes is released from its wings)

Forrest: “Fly, Ledian!”

Ledian: “Ledi-an…”(started flying, but Sleep Powder still hit it and it fell asleep)

Randy: “Awesome! Finish it with Tackle!”

(Butterfree started flying quickly)

Forrest: “Get up now, Ledian!”

Ledian(opened its eyes): “Ledi!” (flew up and dodged the attack as Butterfree hit the ground hard as it missed)

Randy: “It recovered so fast from a sleep?”(said very surprisingly with emphasis on the last word)

Max: “Have you heard about Early Bird Ability?”

Randy: “Oh…I forgot about it!”

Forrest: “You should be more careful…Use Thunderpunch!”

(As Butterfree was still on the ground, Ledian hit it. Ledian flew up gracefully.)

Randy: “Butterfree, please get up!”

Butterfree(shaking): “Free…….”(flies up)

Randy: “I knew you can do it!”

Butterfree(turns to him and nods): “Free!”

Randy: “Great, use Gust!”

(Butterfree started flapping its wings but something hurt it inside and it fell on the ground again. It tried to get up, but useless, it was knocked out)

Forrest: “We won! we won! Nice job, Ledian!”

Ledian(flying close to him and smiling): “Ledi!”

Randy(comes to Butterfree): “You were great! Take a long rest, Butterfree!”

Butterfree(nods and says in a weak voice, still lying on the ground): “Free…”

(As he returned Butterfree, he came to Forrest and congratulated him on winning)

Max: “That was a great battle, guys!”

Forrest: “Yes, it sure was, thanks!”

Randy: “No problem!” (To Max) “Well, do you still want to train?”

Max: “I sure do. And do you want to train your Pokemon, Randy?”

(Randy looked at each Max with misunderstanding, thinking about what he said)

Randy: “What do you mean?”

Max: “Do you want to train your Squirtle? Just call it.”

Randy: “Okay, Go, Squirtle!”

Squirtle: “Squirtle!”(as it came out prepared this time and ready to go)

Max: “Mudkip, pal, come closer to me!”

Mudkip: “Kip!”

Max(To Randy): “Look, can your Squirtle be a mentor for my Mudkip? I want to train its Water Gun.”

Randy: “Well…Do you like this idea?”

Squirtle(shows fingers in “all is fine” way): “Squirtle!”

Max: “Okay, Squirtle and Mudkip, listen. Squirtle use Water Gun on this tree!”

(Squirtle looked at Max, then at Randy, Randy nodded and Squirtle used it on the tree. Water pressure was good, so it made a dint there)

Max: “That’s good. Now use your Water Gun, Mudkip!”

Mudkip(jumps): “Mud!Kiippp!”(used it but with a slightly less power and a bit inaccurate)

Squirtle(To Mudkip): “Squirtle…”(shakes its head, then uses its attack again, so Mudkip can learn)

Max: “Thank you Squirtle! Keep teaching! Mudkip, keep training!”

Squirtle(nods and winks): “Squirtle!”

Max: “Now, Treecko and Taillow, listen, pals…I want to train your speed as well as power…So, you can smash rocks like this one” (points at a bolder nearby) “Or you can just try to compete in running. Ok?”

(The Pokemon nod and start to run and compete with each other)

Forrest: “That’s great! Keep it up!”

(They have been training all the day and after Pokemon got tired(in a good way, so they can benefit from the training) they started to come back to Pokemon Center. But on their way they saw Brawley with a surfboard, who looked refreshed and in a good shape)

Max(notices him): “Oh, it is Brawley!”

Brawley(coming closer and seeing Max): “Oh, hi, dude! Prepared for the tomorrow match?”

Max: “I sure am!”

Brawley: “That’s good!”

Max: “So, how was your competition today?”

Brawley: “Oh, I was a judge…But if I took part in it, I would sure have won, without a doubt!”

Randy: “But why do you take a surfboard if you were a judge?”

Brawly: “I was training afterwards…”

Randy: “I see. Okay, we need to go, good luck!”

Brawly: “You too, dudes. See you tomorrow!”

(As the day ends, Max feels very excited and he looks determined about his battle with Brawly)

The end of the 15th Chapter.

So, the next Chapter(s) is the gym battle, so I won't update soon as I need to write it at first)

Charizard-Fan
18th August 2012, 1:52 AM
Good chapter. The battle between Forrest and Randy was intense and good. I also liked it that Squirtle became Mudkip's mentor and that Mudkip has to improve it's Water Gun. It was good that Max did on-screen training, since there hasn't been much of it.
It's also good that gym battle will be soon, I can't wait to see it.

ThisIsPatrick
18th August 2012, 2:25 AM
Hi :)

Loved the Bug Battle! I liked how you steered away from Max for a chapter or two and told the readers about Forrest's background.

Keep up the brillant work!

bobandbill
18th August 2012, 4:01 AM
Bug Pokemon was said by Forrest, and Bug Type was said by Randy. I mean that different people can call the same thing differently, don't you agree)That I agree with, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was talking specifically about the capitalisation - ie you had Bug Pokemon/type and later bug Pokemon/type. That's inconsistent; keep it to one or the other. It's like half the time saying Potion and the other half potion for instance, or Bulbasaur and bulbasaur in the same story; it doesn't make sense to have it both ways.

Also you're still lacking in the spaces between names/dialogue and directions/descriptions (Max(To Randy): for instance; should be Max (To Randy):) It might be tedious to fix but it would help a lot with the presentation; as said, every time there isn't that space (nearly every line or two) it's slightly distracting from the story.

JX Valentine
18th August 2012, 6:15 AM
So, as promised, a review. I'll do my best to help you, and here's to hoping everything comes across all right (as opposed to hostile).

As a note up front, I read all fourteen chapters prior to this point but am only commenting on this one. I can include general notes about the plot and whatnot, but the main issue I see here is the grammar and readability of the story. So I felt that it would be easier to take a look at this chapter in particular and go over everything I can with you in as much detail as possible to help you clean your work up.



Max(gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokeballs): “Come out, everyone!”

As bobandbill said, whenever you have a stage direction (thing in parentheses like this) right after a tag (the part that says who's speaking), you need a space in between the parentheses and the name. So instead of something like the above quote, you need something like this:

Max (gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokéballs): "Come out, everyone!"

Of course, if we go with traditional script formatting, you'll also want to put the tag and stage direction on a separate line from the quote like this:

Max (gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokéballs)
"Come out, everyone!"

…But that's really up to you.

The point is, though, take a good look at the way I've written the stage directions in those examples. Notice how you have a space between the name and the direction? That's what we mean.

That said, there's a second problem with this line. What does "it" mean? There's several different possibilities here: Beautifly, Ledian, the battle between Forrest and Randy, some random shiny object we might not have been introduced to yet… Short of it is, you'll want to be specific when it comes to descriptions. While real stage directions tend to be brief, the problem is that we're not directors here. We're readers going into your story wanting to picture the scenes you lay out for us. As such, you'll need to make an effort to give us as many details as possible so we can form mental pictures of each and every scene in your story.

That and stage directions are never vague. They don't just say "he got interested in it." They say "he got interested in this specific thing that's right in front of him." That way, there's absolutely no confusion over how the scene should be acted.


Max(looks at Taillow and tells it to come closer to him):

You don't need to say "tells it to come closer to him." The line of dialogue you give him here tells us that much already, so this stage direction ends up being redundant. Never use the stage directions to tell us what a character is saying. You can still use them to tell us that, for example, Max is looking at Taillow, but for everything else, rely on their speaking parts.


Max: “Since it is a battle between two flying Pokemon,

Since this is a battle between two flying Pokémon. "It" is vague, but "this" specifies that Max is talking about what's directly in front of him.

Also, bobandbill mentioned this earlier, and it resurfaces here. You're rather inconsistent about the way you handle the names of types. Here, you don't capitalize "flying," but you capitalize "bug" the first time it's used in the last chapter. As bobandbill said, capitalize or don't capitalize, and stay consistent with the rule you set.


Max: “Well, you can start battling…”

An ellipsis tells a reader that what's being said is trailing off. As a result, this line reads as if Max isn't enthusiastic about the battle. Instead, try ending the sentence with a period or an exclamation point. That switches his tone to firm (in the case of a period) or excited (in the case of an exclamation point).


(Its arms glowed lightblue and it headed into Butterfree)

First and foremost, "glowed" and "headed" should be "glows" and "heads." You're writing your stage directions in present tense (as if they're happening right now), not in past tense (as if they've happened in the past). Notice how verbs in your other directions end with S? That's how you can tell.

Second, "light-blue" or "light blue." There is no such word as "lightblue."

Third, you'll need a comma after "light blue." The reason why is because this is a compound sentence. Here's a trick: replace the conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) with a period. If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, you have a compound that needs a comma. It's only when you end up with a single complete sentence and a fragment that doesn't make sense on its own that you need to drop the comma.

Fifth, punctuate this stage direction with a period between "Butterfree" and the closing parenthesis. It's a complete sentence.

Sixth, remember how I said your stage directions need to have enough detail to help the readers create a mental picture of what's going on in their minds? Same thing here. It feels like Ledian starts off an attack but doesn't quite finish it. While you mention what happens a few lines later, this is a Mach Punch. It's a super-fast move. As such, it feels awkward that we just get one line of it here because it feels like you've stopped before the move was completed.


(Butterfree prepared to strike the opponent with amazing speed. The two attack collide and these two bug Pokemon were soaring gracefully)

Again, punctuate the end of these stage directions with a period.

Also, "prepared" means "to get ready for." It doesn't mean "actually used." Because of that, the mental image that I got out of this the first time through is that Butterfree positioned itself to use Tackle but was cut off by Mach Punch because the actual use of Tackle was never described.

Moreover, "two attacks," not "two attack." Two indicates that there was more than one attack, so you'll need the plural form.

Lastly, if you were punched in the gut (or anywhere else), you'll probably not be doing anything gracefully. Be careful and think hard about how attacks might affect Pokémon because even if it's early in the battle, a living being would be able to feel the right hit in the right location.


(As the two attacks collide once again, the power of both Pokémon’s attack seem to be equal.

How can we tell this? There's an old piece of advice in the business that goes like this: show, don't tell. Remember how I talked to you about details and mental images a moment ago? It really goes back to that again. As readers, we can't see inside your head, so we can't imagine this epic battle the way you can. Saying that both Pokémon's attacks (and yes, incidentally, that's another noun that needs to be turned into a plural) seem to be equal doesn't mean a thing to us because we can't picture what's going on. Are they holding still in mid-air with Ledian's fist pressing hard against Butterfree's forehead? Is there some kind of magical light that shows their power levels ebbing from their bodies? Did they just do the same amount of damage to each other and are floating in mid-air, separated from each other and recovering from basically the same exact wounds? We, your readers, can't tell. There's just nothing here to clue us in on what's going on.


But judging by determined look on the faces of Randy and Forrest, both of them have tricks up their sleeve)

Also, it would be more dramatic if you didn't tell us that they have tricks up their sleeves. You've pretty much already given away the fact that there are twists in the battle, rather than allow us to be surprised by sudden turns of events.


Ledian: “Ledian! Ledi!...”(a lot of yellow stars came out of its flapping wings)

Come out. Also, capitalize and punctuate that stage direction as if it's its own sentence.


(Butterfree unleashed a multi-coloured beam from its eyes and the two attacks collided)

Comma after "eyes." Also, tense inconsistencies again and a missing period.


Forrest: “Okay. The time for the secret attack. Use Thunderpunch!”

I would suggest "your secret attack" instead of "the secret attack." It just reads rather oddly otherwise, as if it's a general secret attack, rather than a secret attack belonging specifically to Ledian.


(Ledian’s arms glowed yellow and electricity sparkled from them)

Tense errors and a missing period again.


Forrest: “Yeah. I felt that Ledian should overcome its flying type weakness and here we go!”

Comma after "weakness." This is a compound sentence.


Randy: “Not bad! But this is not so threatening for a trainer like me!”

(as he waited for Ledian to come close and…)

Randy: “Use Gust!”

The main point I'd like to bring up about your attacks is that they seem so slow. Battles are very quick for the most part, and attacks are meant to be exciting productions. Yet whenever you interrupt attacks with dialogue or spend several stage directions describing one Pokémon going in for a strike, it feels like you're slowing down time and shifting focus from the attack to what's being said. While it's difficult in a script to convey a lot of action, you'll want to keep in mind that battles are just action-oriented. Don't let your battle scenes get bogged down with dialogue, and don't stretch out attacks over multiple stage directions.


(Butterfree started flapping wings

Flapping its wings.


very quickly and very strong wind hit Ledian.

And a very strong wind.

Also, this is a good example of what I mean. Ledian started moving first, was using an electric attack, and is of a species that is naturally quicker than Butterfree's. On top of that, Ledian is generating an attack from inside its body, meaning it shouldn't take too long to build up the energy for it; Butterfree needs to move a lot of air around itself in order to generate enough wind power for Gust. So in all, there's really no reason why Thunderpunch wouldn't have landed first other than because it's more convenient to the plot. It just makes Thunderpunch seem even slower than it really should be, especially considering all of that and the fact that it was described in only one line.


Its Thunderpunch lost power and Ledian fell on the ground)

To the ground (or onto it, depending on whether you want to indicate direction or where exactly it hit). You can't really fall on a general location.


(Butterfree started to release blue, shining powder comes is released from its wings)

Yeeeeah, this is why I said via PM that it would be best to get a beta reader, particularly one fluent in English. You just make a lot of errors a native speaker (or someone fluent in the language) wouldn't normally make, such as this strangely worded and circular sentence right here. A beta would be able to pick up on that and help you straighten things out – maybe give you a few tips to help you avoid the same mistake later.

That being said, I think what you were trying to say here is, "Butterfree starts to release a shining, blue powder from its wings." Even then, that's a bit passive, so I would suggest, "Butterfree releases a shining, blue powder from its wings."

(You also have a lot of passive stage directions. Things never just happen; characters always start to do them or prepare to do them. Cut out the excess verbs in your sentences and just have the action. That will make your sentences sound stronger.)


(started flying, but Sleep Powder still hit it and it fell asleep)

And? Did it fall back to the ground? Is it flying in mid-air while sleeping?

Tense issues again, by the by.


Ledian(opened its eyes): “Ledi!”

So what was the point of it falling asleep? See, you'll want to create tension in your battle. You nearly did by having Ledian fall asleep, but the sleep didn't even stick. So, there's no real tension here because you took away the major obstacle it was facing. Now we're not as excited to see whether or not Ledian will get up and survive the round because, well, there's no need to.

Yes, I know that Ledian has Early Bird, but even then, it feels like this part is very anticlimactic.


(flew up and dodged the attack as Butterfree hit the ground hard as it missed)

Move this to its own paragraph because it's a stage direction for both Ledian and Butterfree, not just Ledian.

Also, you really don't have to say "it missed" at the end there. Your readers will already get that Butterfree missed unless you happen to have a very strange reader who thinks Butterfree was aiming for the ground.


Randy: “It recovered so fast from a sleep?”(said very surprisingly with emphasis on the last word)

This line of dialogue doesn't quite read naturally. (As in, people don't really speak this way in English.) While some people might actually use "fast" instead of "quickly," when they're emphasizing that something is super-fast, they'll say "that fast," not "so fast."

That and no one says "a sleep"; we just say "sleep."

Also, "very surprisingly" implies that it's very surprising that Randy is speaking. If you want to indicate that he sounds very surprised, you'll want to start off the line with the stage direction like so:

Randy (surprised): "It recovered that fast from sleep?"

Note that I also took out the bit about emphasis. You can indicate emphasis on a particular word just by italicizing it.


(As Butterfree was still on the ground, Ledian hit it.

Because Butterfree was still on the ground. "As" tends to indicate a time frame, not a cause-and-effect situation.


Ledian flew up gracefully.

You use this phrase a few times, and all I can say is it's another example of telling instead of showing. Don't tell us that Ledian flew gracefully. Show us by having Ledian swoop back into the air as if nothing had happened. Just saying that it flew gracefully doesn't mean a thing to us because what's graceful to one person may not be graceful to another. Being as concrete and specific as possible helps strengthen your images by creating a clear, precise mental image for a reader.


Butterfree(shaking): “Free…….”

An ellipsis only uses three dots. Do not use more than four, and you do not need seven.


(Butterfree started flapping its wings but something hurt it inside and it fell on the ground again.

Try the period trick (the "replace conjunctions with a period") here. Notice how you get three separate sentences ("Butterfree started flapping its wings." "Something hurt it inside." "It fell on the ground again.") as a result? That means that you can't turn this into a compound sentence because it would become a run-on. Instead, you're going to have to make a decision. You'll have to separate one of these "sentences" out and turn the other two into a compound, or you'll have to merge two of these phrases together and create a compound with only two independent clauses (phrase that can stand on their own as sentences).

Also, it would be a good idea to show us Butterfree suffering. These are stage directions, so they are meant to tell us how a character is acting so that it can be played by an actor. So, you're going to have to pay particular attention to characters' actions and reactions. Instead of having Butterfree just hurt inside, have it cringe and groan – maybe even slow down its wing beating or close its eyes. Show us what it's doing, not how it's feeling.


It tried to get up, but useless, it was knocked out)

This is another one of those sentences that needs to be rearranged because I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. I think you mean, "It tried to get up, but its efforts were useless. It was knocked out." But even then, that's incredibly awkward in itself. If it's knocked out, it wouldn't be able to try to get up in the first place, and if its efforts were useless, you should be showing us that instead of telling us.

That and I'm only speculating on what you mean. Your writing should be clear and readable for a native English speaker before you post so that your audience doesn't have to guess as to what your meaning is.

(Skipping over the tense errors in the next few lines.)


Forrest: “Yes, it sure was, thanks!”

This line, believe it or not, is actually two sentences linked by a comma splice. "Thanks" should be its own sentence because it's an exclamation.


(Randy looked at each Max with misunderstanding, thinking about what he said)

While you can look at someone with understanding, you can't look at them with misunderstanding because you'd never know that you were misunderstanding something the moment it happens. (Misunderstanding is mostly a hindsight sort of thing.) You can look at them in confusion, however.


Max(To Randy): “Look, can your Squirtle be a mentor for my Mudkip?

Drop the "look." Otherwise, Max is being rather rude, even for him. ("Look" indicates that someone is being impatiently demanding.)


(Squirtle looked at Max, then at Randy, Randy nodded and Squirtle used it on the tree. Water pressure was good, so it made a dint there)

Drop the comma after the first "Randy" and replace it with a period. This is a comma splice. Note that you get two separate sentences as a result of the replacement.

Also, besides the fact that it should be "the water pressure was good," this is another case of telling instead of showing. Does "good water pressure" mean "garden hose" or "fire hose"? This phrase is actually very vague to a reader because not everyone has the same ideas about water. After all, not everyone thinks about water pressure the way they might think about what is and isn't graceful, so not everyone has a default mental image of what good and bad water pressure actually is.

Yes, you mention that it makes a dint in the tree, but… then the phrase becomes redundant and awkward. If you just leave it as "Squirtle shoots a jet of water that leaves a dint in the tree," we'd get the idea that the water pressure was good as it is. Phrasing it like that allows the line to feel stronger because you're not relying on redundant, vague phrasing in order to get the idea across.

Also, yes, again, show instead of tell. Instead of telling us that Water Gun is being used, show us what exactly Squirtle does in order to use it. Do that for all of your attacks, especially because this fic tends to be dialogue heavy. Giving us something to visualize mentally will help maintain our interest in what's going on.


“Mud!Kiippp!”(used

Spaces around your punctuation marks, please. "Mud! Kiippp!" (used, not "Mud!Kiippp!"(used. That is not a single word.


it but with a slightly less power and a bit inaccurate)

Again, specify what's going on. How inaccurate? Did it miss the tree completely? Did it hit an innocent bystander? Did it not even make it all the way to the tree? How terrible is this Water Gun? That will help us get an idea of how much training Max will have to do with Mudkip.


so Mudkip can learn)

Again, redundant. We get that's why Squirtle is repeating its attack because it agreed to be a mentor to Mudkip and because it just shook its head in disapproval.


I want to train your speed as well as power…So, you can smash rocks like this one” (points at a bolder nearby) “Or you can just try to compete in running. Ok?”

First off, you don't need an ellipsis between "power" and "so." There's no real reason why Max would be trailing off there. You also don't need a comma after "so."

Second, indicate a break in dialogue with a dash. So, you'd phrase Max's line like this:

"So you can smash rocks like this one—" (points at a boulder nearby) "—or you can just try to compete in running."

The dashes just indicate that the sentence continues on after the interruption.

Also, yes, boulder, not bolder. "Bolder" means "stronger"; "boulder" is a large rock. Beware of homophones. (A beta would help you with that.)

Finally… compete in running? Considering the fact that nothing up until this point implied that Max was going to do anything that was related to running, this… comes pretty much out-of-nowhere.


(The Pokemon nod and start to run and compete with each other)

Specify their actions. Otherwise, I'm just going to be over here imagining that they're participating in a game of baseball because it's pretty much all I've got in terms of a mental image of what's going on there.


(They have been training all the day and after Pokemon got tired(in a good way, so they can benefit from the training)

You really, really do not need to specify that they got tired in a good way.

Because to English readers in certain countries/regions (like mine), "tired in a bad way" means sex.

Well, that and we can figure out why they're tired on our own.

But mostly sex.


Brawley: “Oh, I was a judge…But if I took part in it, I would sure have won, without a doubt!”

"I would have won." No one really says "I would sure have won." (People used to say "I sure would have," but that's not something you hear outside of very old television programs or people failing to be subtle.)

Also, Brawly, not Brawley.


Brawly: “I was training afterwards…”

No need for an ellipsis. He's stating a fact, so he's probably not trailing off after this.


Randy: “I see. Okay, we need to go, good luck!”

Brawly: “You too, dudes. See you tomorrow!”

First off, I'm pretty sure Brawly doesn't say "dudes."

Second, so… what was the point of having him come back into this scene? It seems rather unnecessary, and it doesn't add anything in particular to the story.


Okay, so to tally it up, there's… a lot of issues, and as I've said both in this review and via PM, many of them would be solved if you did the following steps:

1. Slow down and proofread a bit more carefully.
2. Get a beta reader who's fluent in English.

The second point is vital in your case because you run into a lot of errors you wouldn't normally see unless you were absolutely fluent with the language. There were, for example, those sentences I actually had to rephrase to guess at what they meant. Moreover, there were tense errors all over the place, and some of the dialogue sounded unnatural for a native speaker. A beta who's fluent in English would be able to help you iron those out.

Moreover, there were just all kinds of errors in general concerning punctuation, spelling, phrasing (including redundancies), and more, and those tended to serve as major distractions to what was going on. (Yes, the last chapter had just as many awkward phrasings and language issues.) You really need to take your time here, especially considering the fact that you're not a native speaker. Yes, it will take a bit longer to work with a beta reader, but there's so many issues that it actually affected the way a lot of this read.

Beyond that, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. As in, instead of giving us details as to what's going on, you tell us that an event happened or that a character is feeling a certain emotion. That doesn't quite work as well as showing us every detail of each attack or exactly how characters are physically reacting to their situations. I just didn't feel as drawn into the action as I could have been because a lot of the stage directions were just vague, even for stage directions.

The pacing was also off, but I described that in better detail in the review proper.

As for the rest, I'm a bit indifferent to this whole story. On the one hand, I'm a sucker for what-if stories or stories about side characters doing awesome things. Likewise, I can see that you've got potential in the creative department, just by looking at Max's battle strategies. (His battle against Roxanne, for example, showcased Max's ability to think on his feet and come up with interesting ways to solve problems. It's interesting that he mastered the spin technique on his own as well.)

On the other, I also felt that Max's characterization was wooden at first (as in, he didn't seem like the Max I've watched in the show, just because his lines seemed like pretty generic "kid" lines, right down to the fact that he addressed his parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy" – something he never did in the show), and I feel like a lot of this shows signs of being just like a regular trainer fic. (Team Rocket even shows up to steal Pokémon instead of doing anything else. The only difference is that the token traveling partner is of the same gender as the main character.) I'm also not really connecting to Forrest, just because most of his character is all about, "Okay, so I'm going to talk about my past a lot and lament the fact that my last journey was so lonely." *shrug* The Pokémon aren't so bad, though.

In short, it's difficult to say with this fic. I can tell you'll need a beta, and you show some promise in the creativity department. It's just that I feel like the main selling point of this fic is the fact that it expands on elements from the anime, but you're going to have to do a lot of work in order to take it to the next level.

CovertNinja
18th August 2012, 6:20 AM
why is everyone so particular? his writing is fine, it doesn't need every single line analyzed.

JX Valentine
18th August 2012, 6:47 AM
why is everyone so particular? his writing is fine, it doesn't need every single line analyzed.

Because welcome to the writing forum. :|

In the words of a respectable critic in a different field (http://www.tv.com/people/simon-cowell/), "Kids turn up unrehearsed, wearing the wrong clothes, singing out of tune, and you can either say, 'Good job,' and patronize them or tell them the truth, and sometimes the truth is perceived as mean."

The point is that the whole reason why anyone posts their work on a writing community is to get feedback, and a lot of people -- such as RealRaymon -- do it because they want to improve. To tell them "good job" when you know for certain that there are issues is to patronize them. They'll never know what they can improve on, and they'll never get better. However, if you can spot an error, it's your job as a reviewer to point it out (politely preferably) so that the author can go back and fix it to make their work better. As a reviewer, I looked at this fic and saw a lot of errors, so it would have been wrong of me to simply say, "Your writing is fine." Sorry to say, but it's not. It's not fine if I have to reword a sentence myself in order to get a possibility of what it actually means. It's not fine if I find an error in every line, and it's not fine if his characterization and pacing needs improvement. It can be fine if Real worked hard enough on fixing it up, though, and because of that I would only be patronizing to him if I told him there was nothing wrong with it.

Furthermore, you can't possibly dictate to me how I feel about someone else's work, not just because it's not your work but also because the internet doesn't work like that. When you submit something online, you're automatically saying that you want the objective opinions of whoever's reading. Objective means that not everything you get as feedback will be positive. You're probably going to get negative reviews at first, and until you're willing to change and improve, you're going to have to suck it up or take your work elsewhere. That's just because, well, telling people how to feel about your fanfic is a lot like forcing people to feel a certain way about anything in real life. Imagine if I came to your house one day and told you you couldn't wear your favorite shirt anymore because you're supposed to hate it and that you can't eat your favorite food anymore because you're supposed to think it sucks. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like that either.

Well, that and he asked me to review exactly as I usually did in the first place, so there's that too.

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 11:39 AM
Firstly.

Good chapter. The battle between Forrest and Randy was intense and good. I also liked it that Squirtle became Mudkip's mentor and that Mudkip has to improve it's Water Gun. It was good that Max did on-screen training, since there hasn't been much of it.
It's also good that gym battle will be soon, I can't wait to see it.
Thank you)I'm glad you liked the battle and that Squirtle was mentor for Mudkip)

Hi :)
Loved the Bug Battle! I liked how you steered away from Max for a chapter or two and told the readers about Forrest's background.
Keep up the brillant work!
Hi!)Congratulations on postin the 200th post in my thread!)
Thanks!)I'll try to keep it up)

That I agree with, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was talking specifically about the capitalisation - ie you had Bug Pokemon/type and later bug Pokemon/type. That's inconsistent; keep it to one or the other. It's like half the time saying Potion and the other half potion for instance, or Bulbasaur and bulbasaur in the same story; it doesn't make sense to have it both ways.

Also you're still lacking in the spaces between names/dialogue and directions/descriptions (Max(To Randy): for instance; should be Max (To Randy):) It might be tedious to fix but it would help a lot with the presentation; as said, every time there isn't that space (nearly every line or two) it's slightly distracting from the story.
Yeah. Okay, I understood. From now on, I will be consistent in that.

About the spaces...It is tedious to fix for me now...But I'll sure get rid of it later)

brendan25
18th August 2012, 11:43 AM
Aw, I wish he pick Mudkip, catch aggron,walrein, crobat,altaria,rhydon,etc.

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 1:32 PM
Reading and commentimg as well.

but the main issue I see here is the grammar and readability of the story. So I felt that it would be easier to take a look at this chapter in particular and go over everything I can with you in as much detail as possible to help you clean your work up.
Okay, thanks)

As bobandbill said, whenever you have a stage direction (thing in parentheses like this) right after a tag (the part that says who's speaking), you need a space in between the parentheses and the name.
Undertood. But this ls a bit tedious to fix up, but I'll try later on)

That said, there's a second problem with this line. What does "it" mean? There's several different possibilities here: Beautifly, Ledian, the battle between Forrest and Randy, some random shiny object we might not have been introduced to yet… Short of it is, you'll want to be specific when it comes to descriptions.
Okay. I should have been more specific in this line.

You don't need to say "tells it to come closer to him." The line of dialogue you give him here tells us that much already, so this stage direction ends up being redundant. Never use the stage directions to tell us what a character is saying. You can still use them to tell us that, for example, Max is looking at Taillow, but for everything else, rely on their speaking parts.
Ok:)

Since this is a battle between two flying Pokémon. "It" is vague, but "this" specifies that Max is talking about what's directly in front of him.
Well, I am sorry, but I don't see much difference between "it" and "this". I know that "this" is more specific, but both variants are usable. And my tutors always told me about these two words being similar)

Also, bobandbill mentioned this earlier, and it resurfaces here. You're rather inconsistent about the way you handle the names of types. Here, you don't capitalize "flying," but you capitalize "bug" the first time it's used in the last chapter. As bobandbill said, capitalize or don't capitalize, and stay consistent with the rule you set.
Ok. But you don't need to repeat what bobandbill said. I understood it from the first time.

An ellipsis tells a reader that what's being said is trailing off. As a result, this line reads as if Max isn't enthusiastic about the battle. Instead, try ending the sentence with a period or an exclamation point. That switches his tone to firm (in the case of a period) or excited (in the case of an exclamation point).
In this line, Max said it with meaning of: "What are you still waiting for?" - meaning that they think too much time when they could start battling.

First and foremost, "glowed" and "headed" should be "glows" and "heads." You're writing your stage directions in present tense (as if they're happening right now), not in past tense (as if they've happened in the past). Notice how verbs in your other directions end with S? That's how you can tell.
Okay.

Second, "light-blue" or "light blue." There is no such word as "lightblue."
Okay.

Third, you'll need a comma after "light blue." The reason why is because this is a compound sentence. Here's a trick: replace the conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) with a period. If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, you have a compound that needs a comma. It's only when you end up with a single complete sentence and a fragment that doesn't make sense on its own that you need to drop the comma.
I have to admit, that your grammar is better than mine(but it's not surprising at all)

Fifth, punctuate this stage direction with a period between "Butterfree" and the closing parenthesis. It's a complete sentence.
Somebody gave me a link to a "script writing format" site. I read there that I don't need to put a period between the last word and the closing parenthesis. So, I won't do that, as I prefer it my way.:)

Again, punctuate the end of these stage directions with a period.
The same here.

Moreover, "two attacks," not "two attack." Two indicates that there was more than one attack, so you'll need the plural form.
I know about that, I've just miscklicked

Lastly, if you were punched in the gut (or anywhere else), you'll probably not be doing anything gracefully. Be careful and think hard about how attacks might affect Pokémon because even if it's early in the battle, a living being would be able to feel the right hit in the right location.
Pokemon are not living beings, they are imaginary creatures, so I can write that as I like)

I would suggest "your secret attack" instead of "the secret attack." It just reads rather oddly otherwise, as if it's a general secret attack, rather than a secret attack belonging specifically to Ledian.
For Ledian it is not a secret attack, it is secret for Forrest

Whew......wow, your reviw is huge.
All in all, thank you, but

Also, yes, boulder, not bolder. "Bolder" means "stronger"; "boulder" is a large rock. Beware of homophones. (A beta would help you with that.)
I miscklicked once again . I know the spelling of the words, really. About the beta reader. Just no. It is my, and only my fic. And I want to improve by myself.


First off, I'm pretty sure Brawly doesn't say "dudes."
I am sure that he does. In the anime he does so.

1. Slow down and proofread a bit more carefully.
2. Get a beta reader who's fluent in English.
1.Ok.
2.No. I am fluent in it, believe it or not. I can express anything that I want even to the native speakers.

You know what, I think that you passed all of your English Exams on "A" mark.Feel the difference, you are the native speaker, I am not. So, you are always a step ahead from me and demanding from me to know and write like you...is a little bit crazy I think)You may be distracted by punctuations and a little misclicks, but mostly all my readers understand me)That's what I need


"Your writing is fine." Sorry to say, but it's not. It's not fine if...
If you are the excelent and fluent English-speaker that I will NEVER be. Even people who live in the UK, or USA for 10-20 years can't speak and, furthermore, write like native. It is without a doubt. So, I hope you'll understand it.
The most important thing for me -Is that my plot is understood by all the readers and that my dear readers support me) I write it just for fun, but you seem to take it oo seriously. Tastes differ, you know.

Anyway, thank you very much for your time and comment. You helped a lot, and I'll try to improve!)Just don't expect me to write and speak English like you:)
And I hope you'll see improvements in the next Chapter!)

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 1:33 PM
Aw, I wish he pick Mudkip, catch aggron,walrein, crobat,altaria,rhydon,etc.
He has a Mudkip)
About further catches, just read and you'll see who will Max catch

brendan25
18th August 2012, 1:37 PM
He has a Mudkip)
About further catches, just read and you'll see who will Max catch

I see some of your words like this has a close parenthesis He has Mudkip), Please Stop putting Close Parenthesis ).

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 1:58 PM
It is a smile. I am always kind to my readers.

Dawn+Serena Fan
18th August 2012, 2:14 PM
I enjoyed the intense battle between Ledian and Butterfree. Also good to see the Pokemon training. I can't wait for the gym battle between Max and Brawly in the next chapter.

ultimateblaziken11
18th August 2012, 4:48 PM
The battle between Ledian and Butterfree was intense and awesome :P

Great chapter overall.

JX Valentine
18th August 2012, 5:19 PM
Well, I am sorry, but I don't see much difference between "it" and "this". I know that "this" is more specific, but both variants are usable. And my tutors always told me about these two words being similar)

There's times and places when one is usable while the other isn't. For example, you want to be more specific in this case, so you need "this," not "it." Really, there's nuances of language that you just have to be aware of, and that's something a good tutor will tell you. (I know my language teachers would always tell me to be careful about word choice. Then again, I was also taking Italian and Spanish, which are heavy on nuances, but... that's beside the point.)


Ok. But you don't need to repeat what bobandbill said. I understood it from the first time.

Considering you made the exact same mistake throughout the chapter directly after the review in which he pointed it out, I was inclined to believe you didn't understand. If you understood, you should have written the next chapter (or at least edited it) with bobandbill's point in mind.


In this line, Max said it with meaning of: "What are you still waiting for?" - meaning that they think too much time when they could start battling.

That still doesn't mean that you should have an ellipsis there. He's stating something, not trailing off as if he's uncertain of what he's saying.


I have to admit, that your grammar is better than mine(but it's not surprising at all)

Thank you, but…


Somebody gave me a link to a "script writing format" site. I read there that I don't need to put a period between the last word and the closing parenthesis. So, I won't do that, as I prefer it my way.:)

…Why are you complimenting me on my grammar just before blowing me off? :|

You tend to do this a lot. Compliment or a thank you just before a line in which you blow me off. Sorry to say, but the thanks and the compliments become rather hollow to me when that happens, and having dealt with many English speakers who would do things like say they're "soooooo nice :D:D:D" but then patronize the crap out of people who disagree with them, I'm just going to say outright that those kinds of shenanigans don't work on me and actually make me judge those people a little. If you want to be nice to your readers, that's great, but you're going to have to do so by showing them that you're gracious via not blowing them off.

That being said, I'd like to see this link because in script formatting, you do punctuate full sentences with periods (http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay). Of course, in script formatting, you also do a lot of things you're not doing here, but that's beside the point.


I know about that, I've just miscklicked

If you "misclicked" (made a typo – "misclicked" is not a word), then why didn't you correct it in the proofreading process?


Pokemon are not living beings, they are imaginary creatures, so I can write that as I like)

Uh, no. A good writer is someone who understands that all characters must be treated and must react as if they're living beings. That writer thinks logically about how each character would react to every situation based on their personality and their biology. Doing so helps them to create drama and tension (in a fight scene, anyway) or at least helps them remember characters' limitations.

So in short while Pokémon aren't real, you should – as a writer – be thinking about how they would react as if they were. Otherwise, your battles start to lack something because the stakes aren't going to be that high. Even in the anime, the writers keep this in mind on a level because Pokémon do get hurt, and they do show it.


For Ledian it is not a secret attack, it is secret for Forrest

Then you've just proven my point. You need to specify that it's Forrest's secret attack, not a generic one or Ledian's.

(But even then, considering the fact that Ledian is the one executing it, the attack is partially its as well.)


Whew......wow, your reviw is huge.

Weeeeellll… yeah. But that's how I always review anyway. Sorry about that.


I miscklicked once again . I know the spelling of the words, really.

Again, if you made a typo, then why didn't you fix it in the proofreading process?


About the beta reader. Just no. It is my, and only my fic.

Then you'll never really get better. A beta reader is basically a reviewer who goes over your work and teaches you different points about how to fix things on your own before you post. If you rely on your reviewers to do it, your reviewers will get turned off because they'll have to point out the same thing over and over again. A beta reader does not write the story for you. They only review your work before you post it.

Every good writer has one, actually, even English speakers. I have one (and actually went through several). bobandbill had one for his main fic. Most of the writing big-name fans have one. There's no stigma about it, really; if anything, people will look a little more highly at your fic if you say you do use one.


I am sure that he does. In the anime he does so.

Not that I recall, honestly.


2.No. I am fluent in it, believe it or not. I can express anything that I want even to the native speakers.

If your story required me to reword sentences physically in order to guess what you meant, you are not showing me that you are fluent in the language, and that's what's important. You can tell me that you're fluent in review responses all you want, but it doesn't mean a thing if your readers have to work out errors that a fluent beta would have caught and corrected. Throughout this fic, I've seen evidence that you need to proofread harder and get someone to look over your work. You create errors in your writing that you would most likely never see because you're not native (nuances such as the difference between "it" and "this"), and if you didn't need a beta reader, you would have already corrected these errors in the proofreading stage.


You know what, I think that you passed all of your English Exams on "A" mark.

Thank you.

Doesn't stop me from thinking you're going to need a beta, however. (In fact, the way you phrased this sort of makes me think you do, considering it's not quite the way an English-speaker would phrase things naturally.)


demanding from me to know and write like you...is a little bit crazy I think)

This is what I meant in my PM to you. You ask for help and feedback, but you blow off the reviewers who give you concrit.

Tip: You can be a non-native speaker and still write well. Dragonfree is one of the best writers in our fandom. Her native language? Icelandic. Saying that I'm being demanding when I ask you to write with decent grammar and add in detail is not only disrespectful to me but also unreasonable on your end. A reviewer's job, as I've said earlier, is to point out errors. So far, you've gotten one-liner reviews that are praising you just because you're playing on a gimmick. You've even complained about these reviews yourself. Yet, whenever someone comes along to correct you and help you out, you throw their tips back in their faces because you think you write decently enough. That is not how reviewing works.


You may be distracted by punctuations and a little misclicks, but mostly all my readers understand me)That's what I need

Yeah, uh, Real? You asked me to review. You had the ability to go back through my posting history and find out more about my reviewing style (what I point out, how long I go on, and so forth). If you didn't want me to point out what I normally do, why did you just waste my time by asking me to review? What did you think I was going to do? Validate you with an empty, all-praise comment just because I'm, in your words in the request you made to me, "a really good reviewer"? No. You have to work to get a positive review from me.


If you are the excelent and fluent English-speaker that I will NEVER be. Even people who live in the UK, or USA for 10-20 years can't speak and, furthermore, write like native. It is without a doubt. So, I hope you'll understand it.

Bluntly put, I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Do you mean that I should suck it up and like your story despite the fact that I don't think it's that great (grammatically and in terms of plot, pacing, and characterization)?

Not to mention didn't you say earlier in this response that you're fluent anyway? So… you admit that you're not fluent and that you do qualify for a beta reader?


The most important thing for me -Is that my plot is understood by all the readers and that my dear readers support me)

*raises hand* I don't support you, and your plot and pacing need work.


I write it just for fun, but you seem to take it oo seriously. Tastes differ, you know.

Again, welcome to a writing community. Writing for fun is all fine and dandy, but as I've said, the moment you post, you're no longer writing just for yourself. Other people click your work to read for fun, and if it becomes work for them because you riddle your fic with errors and have problems with characterization, plot, and pacing, then it's not going to be fun. So far, you've gotten two types of reviews: people who have been thorough with you and the people who have given you one-liner praise because they're buying into the fact that you're writing about the anime. If you want praise all around, you're going to have to put in a bit more effort to clean up your story.

That and, sorry to say, this is the sort of an excuse a lazy writer puts out. Yes, writing fanfiction is just for fun, but you still have to care about what you're doing. Caring would involve proofreading and generally wanting to improve your work to make it more enjoyable for readers. You can write well despite the fact that English isn't your first language, and you can work out all of the extremely simple errors you're making. If you don't, then you show you don't care, and if you don't care, why should readers who won't spew one-liners waste their time with you?

Also, you asked me to review.


Anyway, thank you very much for your time and comment. You helped a lot, and I'll try to improve!)Just don't expect me to write and speak English like you:)

*motions to Dragonfree* There's no reason why you can't.

Moreover, thanking me and being polite now won't erase the fact that you've just disrespected me and blown off a lot of my advice. I have no reason to believe that I won't have to point out the same exact errors that I saw thus far when I review the next chapter. Moreover, I have no reason to believe that you're going to respond to most of my review again with "you take this too seriously," "I can't write as well as you do despite the fact that I'm definitely fluent," and "I'll write this how I want (and ignore this point you made)."

As I've said to you via PM, there's a difference between a good and bad response to a review. A good response would be to take advice graciously by showing a reviewer at all times that you're taking their advice into consideration (and no, just saying "thank you" isn't enough if you blow off the reviewer a line later). A bad response involves making excuses (like the one where you won't write as well as I do, so you shouldn't listen to my grammar advice), blowing off a reviewer (saying that all your other reviewers gave you positive responses, so you don't have to listen to what that one says), and being rather unwelcoming to them (by telling them outright that they're taking things too seriously and that they have no right to tell you what to do). When you post your work online, you're going to get negative reviews if your fic doesn't do enough to distract a reader from its problems. That's just something you'll have to deal with until you improve. Your fic didn't do enough to distract me from its problems, so you got this kind of review. It's unreasonable to say a reader should ignore a story's problems because it's not their job. Their job is to sit back, relax, and enjoy a story, but they can't if you're not doing your job as a storyteller by working out all the problems your work has. Unless, of course, they're one-liner reviewers. Remember that analogy involving the road that I sent to you via PM?

That being said, again, you asked me to review your work. It sends a bad message (read: makes you look like an egotistical author) if you ask someone like me to review but end up surprised when they tell you about all its problems. Why would you ask me to review and then try to force me to feel a certain way about your work? Did you not know before you asked me that I'm a thorough and hard reviewer, or did you actually think that I would adore your work despite the fact that you're conscious of many of its simpler errors? I just need to know which one it is so I can decide what level of annoyed I should be right now.


And I hope you'll see improvements in the next Chapter!)

I won't because I have no reason to come back. o> Don't ask me to review again until you improve that attitude towards constructive criticism. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't particularly appreciate it if I find out I just spent an hour of my time reviewing someone whose response is, "Almost all of your review is moot because I like doing things my way/I will never be good at language anyway/lol y so srs."

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 5:56 PM
I won't because I have no reason to come back.
well...This is sad:(

momomon
18th August 2012, 7:29 PM
I agree with PKMN Trainer Pat. I also liked how they were almost the same skill level and thats what made it a great battle!

RealRaymon
18th August 2012, 9:57 PM
I agree with PKMN Trainer Pat. I also liked how they were almost the same skill level and thats what made it a great battle!
Thanks, and the gym battle will be even more exciting!

RealRaymon
19th August 2012, 12:32 PM
Thanks to JX Valentine, I will change my writing a bit and I am going to make my chapter longer. So, the full gym battle is coming next!
I would also slow down a bit and I would really check my grammar, so even native speakers will enloy reading my fic:)
But I've already thought how the battle will go, and I can tell you that it would be reallynexciting and unexpected!

TheSirPeras
19th August 2012, 12:36 PM
Nice chapters! I especially enjoyed the one about Forrest because it was really different, you should do more like that! :D
Can't wait for the gym battle :)

RealRaymon
19th August 2012, 12:41 PM
Nice chapters! I especially enjoyed the one about Forrest because it was really different, you should do more like that! :D
Can't wait for the gym battle :)
Thanks! I will make the gym battle great!)

Dawn and Piplup
19th August 2012, 1:08 PM
I just finished Chapter 6. I still need to catch up.
But the chapters were great! I enjoy the! :)
The quiz was fun to do and I hope the next chapters have more stuff! :)

RealRaymon
19th August 2012, 1:14 PM
I just finished Chapter 6. I still need to catch up.
But the chapters were great! I enjoy the! :)
The quiz was fun to do and I hope the next chapters have more stuff! :)
I guess you'll have the time to catch up as my new chapter will be ready at least tomorrow, maybe later
I am glad you enjoyed my quiz:)
If it is not a secret, what questions did you answer wrong?

P.S. For you next chapters are the gym ones, I hope you'll like them!

infernape100
19th August 2012, 11:00 PM
hey there! I've read all your chapters and i think the plot is great, I love the use of Max as the main character and the way his friends have began to take center stage recently (somethng that was missing at the start, and more of would be fab!) the only big issue, as has been previously mentioned, is the grammar and consistancy. However, as a native brit i can assure you that most English people (myself included) don't speak/write properly:).
There are several questions i have about the direction of the story but I'll only include a few and wait to see if the rest are answered:
1. Will Max be having a set team of 6, or a rotation team like Ash originally had,and now has in unova
2. Will you be adding towns/cities not previously seen in the anime/game as is often done to add your own stamp on the hoenn region (this would be a great journey into your imagination and will probably be fun for you to write)
So overall,keep up the good work I'm enjoying the journey:)

Ash&Pikachu-Fan
19th August 2012, 11:47 PM
This chapter was better then I expected!
Well firstly I like the way you detail the attacks and hits, its like reading the anime!
I like the way you show Max training his pokemon and trying to improve them in battle, again like the anime.
I have a suggestion, that you could use people that witnessing the battle to comment on the attacks hit and show that they're into the battle like Ash's friends did. I'm also very curios to the reply you gave me on Max having companions.
I can't wait for the gym battle! I Hope its like the last.

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 12:07 AM
hey there! I've read all your chapters and i think the plot is great, I love the use of Max as the main character and the way his friends have began to take center stage recently (somethng that was missing at the start, and more of would be fab!) the only big issue, as has been previously mentioned, is the grammar and consistancy. However, as a native brit i can assure you that most English people (myself included) don't speak/write properly:).
There are several questions i have about the direction of the story but I'll only include a few and wait to see if the rest are answered:
1. Will Max be having a set team of 6, or a rotation team like Ash originally had,and now has in unova
2. Will you be adding towns/cities not previously seen in the anime/game as is often done to add your own stamp on the hoenn region (this would be a great journey into your imagination and will probably be fun for you to write)
So overall,keep up the good work I'm enjoying the journey:)
Thanks)I really like that you enjoyed the plot and my story:)
Before me answering the questions, answer mine.
What do you mean by a consistancy?
About the grammar, I promised one person that I will try to improve it)
Now, your questions:
1)Max will have a set team of 6(I know the 5 Pokemon Max will have by now, still thinking about the 6th), You know, it is near impossible to give enough time to 10 Pokemon, even writers can't do it with Ash's team
2)I don't know yet, but if I'll add new towns/cities, there won't be much of them. I am not good at it:(

So, thank you and I hope you'll keep reading it!

This chapter was better then I expected!
Well firstly I like the way you detail the attacks and hits, its like reading the anime!
I like the way you show Max training his pokemon and trying to improve them in battle, again like the anime.
I have a suggestion, that you could use people that witnessing the battle to comment on the attacks hit and show that they're into the battle like Ash's friends did. I'm also very curious to the reply you gave me on Max having companions.
I can't wait for the gym battle! I Hope its like the last.
Thanks!)
Well, I'll try to add some of them.
You'll see soon what I mean)
The gym battle will be even better!

Chibi_Muffin
20th August 2012, 1:31 AM
Consistency is keeping details, such as terms, writing style and appearance, the same throughout the story. For example, it wouldn't make sense to write a Starly as saying its name in one chapter, then chirping like a bird in another; or writing a character who has black hair in their first appearance that suddenly is referred to as blonde. That's the jist of it. I think they are referring to the different capitalisation and hyphening of Bug Pokemon that was mentioned earlier.

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 1:44 AM
Consistency is keeping details, such as terms, writing style and appearance, the same throughout the story. For example, it wouldn't make sense to write a Starly as saying its name in one chapter, then chirping like a bird in another; or writing a character who has black hair in their first appearance that suddenly is referred to as blonde. That's the jist of it. I think they are referring to the different capitalisation and hyphening of Bug Pokemon that was mentioned earlier.
I guess so as well. Well, I have already started fixing that, so I hope it will be allright.

infernape100
20th August 2012, 11:35 AM
Thanks)I really like that you enjoyed the plot and my story:)
Before me answering the questions, answer mine.
What do you mean by a consistancy?
About the grammar, I promised one person that I will try to improve it)
Now, your questions:
1)Max will have a set team of 6(I know the 5 Pokemon Max will have by now, still thinking about the 6th), You know, it is near impossible to give enough time to 10 Pokemon, even writers can't do it with Ash's team
2)I don't know yet, but if I'll add new towns/cities, there won't be much of them. I am not good at it:(

By consistancy I mean exactly what was said by Chibi_Muffin (cool name btw), with the Bug pokemon thing, howver, this is only a mnnor issue
I will definately keep reading and I'm excited to see the rest of Max's team

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 6:32 PM
Hi, my dear readers! Today I present you the brand new Chapter! I tried very hard to make it so great that all of you can enjoy it:)
As it has the gym battle, I advice you to turn on the Hoenn gym battle theme:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cu4lEbTa9T0&feature=related
So, the Chapter:

The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!

(This is a sunny afternoon. Max is finishing his training for the gym battle with Brawly near Pokemon Center.)

Max (to Treecko): “Use Bullet Seed!”

Treecko: “Tree-cko-cko-cko!” (Jumps and fires seeds at the tree so powerful that after the attack hits the tree, a lot of leaves fall over from it.)

Max (to Taillow): “Taillow, use Aerial Ace!”

(Taillow’s body glows white and Taillow hits the rock nearby with amazing speed and power, breaking it afterwards.)

Max (to Mudkip): “Use Water Gun!”

Mudkip (nods): “Mud…Kip!”

(Mudkip releases a spiral of water from its mouth at the same tree Treecko did, and Max is happy that Mudkip mastered its technique.)

Max: “Great job, Mudkip!”

Mudkip (looks at Max and smiles): “Kip!”

(Forrest is impressed with the attacks.)

Forrest: “Are you ready for the battle, Max?”

Max (says with voice full of confidence): “We are ready!”

Randy: “That’s great, but how will you battle? Do you have a strategy?”

Max (answers, and his glasses shine): “I sure do. I have a powerful flying Pokemon. I am sure that Treecko is a high-level Pokemon, too.”

Randy: “When I battled against Brawly, I based my tactics on the defence. Butterfree resists fighting type moves, Squirtle and Bulbasaur are naturally bulky. In addition to that, Bulbasaur’s Leech Seed helped me a lot.”

Max (nods): “Yeah, I guess so.” (Makes a pause, and then exclaims.) “Well, let’s go!”

(Max’s Pokemon are encouraged, and he returns them to their Pokeballs. Max, Randy and Forrest go to the Dewford gym and when Max sees the golden sign before the gym, he stops for a moment.)

Max (reads the sign): “Fight the big wave!” (Makes the pause again, and after that he says with a voice full of inspiration.) “Well, my second badge is on the way! I am going to win this thing!”

Randy (to Forrest): “Man, he is so inspired. He starts acting a little bit annoying.”

Forrest (smiles): “Nah. That’s okay. You didn’t see him before his first badge.”

(As they enter the gym, they see that the battlefield is made of a lot of sand. The air is warm like on the beach and it is pleasant to walk on it. The judge and Brawly are talking about something. They see the boys, and come to them.)

Brawly: “My challenger is here! I’ve been waiting for you! So, are you ready?”

Max: “I sure am.”

Brawly (looks confident): “Well, let’s start!”

(Max and Brawly stand in front of each other. The judge begins the match by explaining rules to Max.)

Judge: “The battle between gym leader Brawly and challenger Max is set to begin. The match ends when either gym leader’s or the challenger’s three Pokemon are unable to battle. The gym leader can’t switch his Pokemon. So…” (Spreads his arms out) “Begin!”

Max (throws the Pokeball): “Go, Taillow!”

Taillow (comes out and shouts): “Tailow!”

Brawly: “A flying Pokemon, huh?” (Throws his Pokeball) “Come out, Hariyama!”

(Hariyama comes out with a very determined look.)

Hariyama: “Hari!” (Stands in a fighting position.)

(Forrest is surprised that he is using Hariyama first. Max doesn’t look worried. Moreover, he looks very confident.)

Max: “Well, we are ready for it! Taillow, use Aerial Ace!”

Brawly: “Hariyama, use Brick Break!”

(Taillow flies quickly towards Hariyama. Hariyama jumps and chops the flying Pokemon. The two attacks collide and both Pokemon take damage.)

Max: “Use Aerial Ace once more!”

Taillow: “Taillow!”

Brawly (smiles): “Hmm.”

(Hariyama understands what its trainer is planning and stands, waiting for the attack. Taillow hits Hariyama, but Hariyama seems not to take any damage from the last attack.)

(Max starts to get surprised)

Max: “Okay, use our Quick Attack combination!”

Taillow (nods): “Low.”

(Tailow starts flying quickly and then its wings glow white. Hariyama is waiting.)

Max: “Now spin!”

(Tailow spins and becomes a spinning threat. Hariyama takes a hit and this time it takes some damage, but this didn’t do that much, though.)

Max (surprised): “It hit, but it did not much…” (Thinks of the next move)
“Oh yeah! Taillow, use Quick Attack!”

(Taillow gains speed and Max reveals his plan.)

Max: “Use your wings and throw some sand into Hariyama!”

Taillow: “Low!”

(Taillow hits Hariyama and strikes it.)

Brawly: “Good move!”

Max: “Now, use Wing Attack with a spin!”

Taillow: “Low!” (Starts spinning.)

Brawly: “Hariyama! Use Thunderpunch!”

(Hariyama’s fist becomes surrounded by yellow electricity and it punches the spinning opponent. Hariyama takes serious damage from the collision, but Taillow falls on the ground.)

Judge: “Taillow is unable to battle, Hariyama wins!”

Max: “Oh no…It cannot be!” (returns Taillow.)

Brawly: “Nice job, Hariyama!”

Hariyama: “Yama!” (Starts to breathe hardly.)

Brawly: “I must admit, your Taillow is very strong. But you’ll need more than a type advantage to beat my Hariyama.”

Max: “Well, in this case, I choose Mudkip!”

Mudkip (has a confident look instead of a smiley one): “Mud.”

Forrest: “He chose Mudkip? But Hariyama knows Thunderpunch!”

Randy: “Well, he may have some sort of strategy here.”

Brawly: “This choice is more surprising…” (Makes a pause) “Well, we won’t waste time! Hariyama, go! Use Thunderpunch!”

Hariyama (runs): “Hari!” (Comes close.)

Max: “Fake Tears!”

(Mudkip suddenly becomes sad and starts crying.)

Hariyama (confused): “Hari?”

Max: “Water Gun!”

Mudkip (becomes serious and blasts water in Hariyama’s face): “Mud-kip!”

Hariyama (steps back): “Hari.”

Forrest: “This was a really nice move!”

Randy: “And a well-thought strategy as well.”

Brawly: “You should be more careful, Hariyama! Use Cross Chop and don’t get fooled by these cheap tricks!”

Hariyama (nods): “Yama.” (Runs towards Mudkip as its arms glow white and form a cross.)

Max: “Use Mud-Slap!”

(Mudkip hurls the mud of the ground into Hariyama. Hariyama is hit, but attacks. Mudkip dodges.)

Max: “Use Water Gun again!”

(Mudkip hits Hariyama’s back.)

Max: “Now, use Tackle!”

Mudkip: “Mudki-i-i-ip!”

(Mudkip strikes Hariyama and Hariyama falls on the ground.)

Judge: “Hariyama is unable to battle, Mudkip wins!”

Mudkip: “Mud!”

Max: “You are great, Mudkip!”

Mudkip (nods and smiles): “Kip!”

Brawly: “Return, Hariyama!” (Returns it and looks at Max)
“You battled very well. Max, don’t think that you have won already.”
(Takes the Pokeball and throws it) “Go, Meditite!”

Meditite (comes out floating in the air): “Medi!”

Max: “Meditite? Let’s check it.”

Pokedex: “Meditite, the Meditation Pokémon. Meditite Meditates in order to build up its mental energy. It is said that it eats only one berry a day.”

Max: “Okay, Mudkip, are you ready?”

Mudkip (nods): “Kip.”

Max: “Use Tackle!”

Brawly: “Use Meditate!”

Meditite: “Meditite.”

(Mudkip starts running quickly, and then jumps to tackle it, but Meditite dodges it floating by using Meditate. Mudkip falls on the ground, but stands up.)

Max: “Okay, use Water Gun!”

Mudkip: “Mu-ud!” (Unleashes the water.)

Brawly: “Use Confusion!”

Meditite: “Medi! Tite!” (The water glows purple and Meditite turns it back at Mudkip. Mudkip is hit again.)

Max: “We can’t hit it. What should I do?”

Forrest: “I think that he should switch Pokemon.”

Randy: “We’ll see.”

Max: “Use Tackle Mudkip!”

Brawly: “The same move again…Well, use Meditate!”

(As Mudkip comes closer, Meditate prepares to dodge the attack.)

Max: “Now, use Water Gun!”

(Mudkip blasts water at Meditite and it has no time to dodge. Mudkip hits Meditite hard.)

Brawly: “Use Confusion on Mudkip!”

(Meditite uses Confusion, takes Mudkip into the air.)

Max: “Use Fake Tears!”

Mudkip (nods and starts crying): “Mudkip! Mu-u-d!”

Meditite (surprised): “Medi?”

Max: “Use Water Gun!”

(Mudkip uses Water Gun and hits Meditite. As a result, Meditite stops its Confusion attack)

Max: “Now, use Tackle!”

Mudkip (shouts): “Mu-u-u-d!” (Comes very close and prepares to tackle Meditite.)

Brawly: “Detect!”

(Meditite detects itself and Mudkip misses. The two Pokemon are very tired.)

Brawly: “Use Hidden Power!”

Meditite: “Medi!” (A ring of light blue circles appear and surround Meditite’s body, and then Meditite throws them into Mudkip.)

Max: “Use Water Gun!”

Mudkip: “Mudkip!”

(As the two attacks collide, they explode. A lot of smoke appears and neither Max nor Brawly can see their Pokemon)

Max: “No, Mudkip!”

(Brawly looks nervous and doesn’t see anything. The smoke disappears and two Pokemon lie on the field.)

Judge: “Both Pokemon are unable to battle!”

(As both Mudkip and Meditite are unable to battle, we see that both their trainers are nervous and that the match is far from over.)

The end of the 16th Chapter.

TheSirPeras
20th August 2012, 6:53 PM
Nice battle, can't wait to see the last battle!! :) And the title was very punny lol. Overall, nice description of battle. Only kinda disappointed in Treecko staring again (if Max wins) but that's only my opinion. Anyways good job!!

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 8:33 PM
Nice battle, can't wait to see the last battle!! :) And the title was very punny lol. Overall, nice description of battle. Only kinda disappointed in Treecko staring again (if Max wins) but that's only my opinion. Anyways good job!!
Thanks!)
About Treecko. Well, this is a very interesting point of yours, but you see...Hariyama was first, and Taillow did a great job at tiring it. After that, Mudkip took out two Pokemon. So, I don't see Treecko as a main battler here.

ImAnOKIE12
20th August 2012, 8:38 PM
Put me on the pm list please! :)

TheSirPeras
20th August 2012, 8:41 PM
Thanks!)
About Treecko. Well, this is a very interesting point of yours, but you see...Hariyama was first, and Taillow did a great job at tiring it. After that, Mudkip took out two Pokemon. So, I don't see Treecko as a main battler here.

We have different perspectives of star Pokemon XD For me the staring Pokemon is normally the one that defeats the last Pokemon, but you do have a point about Mudkip

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 8:47 PM
Put me on the pm list please! :)
Sure, I'll add you now!
Do you want to comment on anything?)Just wondering

Charizard-Fan
20th August 2012, 9:18 PM
Good chapter! It was intense, exciting and interesting.
However, it was sad that Taillow was the fall-guy and Treecko is gonna star again. I think Treecko gets too much glory and if I remember right, it hasn't lost a single match so far.
I hope that after this gym battle Max will use Taillow and Mudkip more and Treecko less. Remember one thing: Balance.
But while I was sad for Taillow losing to Hariyama, it was a good battle and it was good that Mudkip defeated 2 Pokemon (while fainting itself).

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 9:33 PM
Good chapter! It was intense, exciting and interesting.
However, it was sad that Taillow was the fall-guy and Treecko is gonna star again. I think Treecko gets too much glory and if I remember right, it hasn't lost a single match so far.
I hope that after this gym battle Max will use Taillow and Mudkip more and Treecko less. Remember one thing: Balance.
But while I was sad for Taillow losing to Hariyama, it was a good battle and it was good that Mudkip defeated 2 Pokemon (while fainting itself).
Yes, it was sad for me too, but that how the things work.
And you can be sure that Treecko won't get so much glory, but I really think that Mudkip did most of the job and Taillow weakened Hariyama a lot, so I think Mudkip is the main Pokemon of the match)

Charizard-Fan
20th August 2012, 9:46 PM
Yes, it was sad for me too, but that how the things work.
And you can be sure that Treecko won't get so much glory, but I really think that Mudkip did most of the job and Taillow weakened Hariyama a lot, so I think Mudkip is the main Pokemon of the match)

Well, Treecko is still the last one standing and he will beat the last Pokemon. But I understand your point about Mudkip.

RealRaymon
20th August 2012, 10:03 PM
Well, Treecko is still the last one standing and he will beat the last Pokemon.
I understand that, but I can assure you that Taillow will win important matches) Don't worry:)

CovertNinja
21st August 2012, 1:41 AM
I enjoyed the battle! Have you been reading mine?

ultimateblaziken11
21st August 2012, 5:27 AM
The battle was awesome!

You're really improving with your grammar as well.

RealRaymon
21st August 2012, 10:47 AM
I enjoyed the battle! Have you been reading mine?
Yes, I've been reading yours.

The battle was awesome!
You're really improving with your grammar as well.
Thanks!)I really try to improve it

dirkac
21st August 2012, 12:57 PM
I really enjoyed the last few chapters!
But yeah. like the others said, I hope Treecko doesn't get too much of the limelight.
And in a few posts above, I read that you didn't have a final pokemon yet, and I was wondering if you accept suggestions and the such.
sorry for not posting such a long time, I had nearly no Internet the past few days.

RealRaymon
21st August 2012, 1:21 PM
I really enjoyed the last few chapters!
But yeah. like the others said, I hope Treecko doesn't get too much of the limelight.
And in a few posts above, I read that you didn't have a final pokemon yet, and I was wondering if you accept suggestions and the such.
sorry for not posting such a long time, I had nearly no Internet the past few days.
I should say that there will be a chance for others to shine)
About the final Pokemon, sure, I accept any suggestions)

infernape100
21st August 2012, 2:07 PM
Great chapter, its good to see how mudkip has developed it strength, though i feel as if it is developing a bit quickly. I'm loving the battle scenes, you give a lot of detail and the grammar is definately improving NICE WORK!
About the sixth pokemon, maybe Max could raise his own Pikachu?

RealRaymon
21st August 2012, 3:58 PM
Great chapter, its good to see how mudkip has developed it strength, though i feel as if it is developing a bit quickly. I'm loving the battle scenes, you give a lot of detail and the grammar is definately improving NICE WORK!
About the sixth pokemon, maybe Max could raise his own Pikachu?
Thanks for the compliments!
I should say that Max's strategy helped Mudkip a lot, and I am happy that people see my grammar improving) I just spend more time checking it.
About the 6th Pokemon, I won't give him a Pikachu, because the 5th Pokemon will be Electric type. I won't say whom, but it will be better than Pikachu.

RealRaymon
21st August 2012, 9:07 PM
Ineresting battle. I like how Taillow uses a spin move, it kinda reminds me of Dawn's spinning move. Also I can't wait to find out who wins.
It reminds me too. Well, I will post new chapter soon.
:)

RealRaymon
22nd August 2012, 1:39 AM
Hi! I have a very interesting and quite an unusual chapter!) I hope you like it, and, in my opinion, there is much food for thought about here. And I checked my grammar as well!
So, enjoy:)

The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)

Max (returns Mudkip): “Your battle was awesome, Mudkip!”

Brawly: “Thanks, Meditite!” (Returns it.)

Randy: “Wow! They both lose!”

Forrest: “Yeah. Treecko is the only Pokemon left.”

Brawly: “You showed me that you are a very great trainer, Max!”

Max: “Thank you! But now, I am going to finish this battle…” (Makes a pause) “With Treecko! Go!” (Throws its Pokeball.)

Treecko (comes out and stands in a cool way): “Treecko.”

Brawly: “Go, Machop!”

Machop: “Ma-Machop!”

Max: “So, he has a Machop.”

Pokedex: “Machop, the Superpower Pokémon. Machop have muscles that never tire no matter how much they exercise.”

Max: “Very strong Pokemon! Are you ready to finish this match, Treecko?”

Treecko (nods): “Cko.”

Max: “Use Pound!”

(Treecko runs towards Machop, jumps and hits Machop, but Machop seems to be okay.)

Max: “Use Pound again!”

(Brawly stays calm. He just waits till Treecko tires out. Treecko lands a hit. However, Machop seems not to take any damage.)

Max: “Okay, use Pound with a spin!”

Treecko: “Cko.” (Jumps high, starts spinning, but Machop dodges the attack in the very end and falls on the ground.)

Brawly: “Good job, Machop!”

Machop: “Machop!”

Brawly: “Use Karate Chop!”

(Machop’s right arm glows white, and he jumps to chop Treecko.)

Max: “Use Bullet Seed!”

(Treecko fires seeds at Machop and not only stops the attack, but hits it. Machop stands on the ground.)

Brawly: “Okay, now use Bulk Up!”

(Machop closes its eyes and its body glows red.)

Forrest: “A Bulk Up?”

Randy: “It is the attack that powers up Machop’s attack and defence.”

Max: “Okay, use Bullet Seed again!”

Treecko: “Treecko-o-o!”

Brawly: “Dodge them and Karate Chop once more!”

(Machop blocks Bullet Seed attack and runs and almost hits Treecko, but Max orders Treecko to use Dig.)

Max: “Now, strike!”

Treecko (quickly comes under the ground): “Treecko!” (Hits Machop hard.)

Max: “Now, use Pound with a spin!”

Treecko: “Tree…” (Jumps high and starts spinning.)

Brawly: “Counter it with Karate Chop!”

Machop: “Machop!” (Jumps)

Max: “Dodge it!”

(Treecko dodges the attack by spinning and stays on the ground. Machop is surprised.)

Max: “Quick Attack!”

(Treecko runs quickly into surprised Machop and hits it hard.)

Machop: “Machop!...” (Stands with one of its eyes closed)

(Machop looks at Treecko and then falls. Its eyes become spiral.)

Judge: “Machop is unable to battle! So, the winner is Treecko and Max!”

Max: “Great job, Treecko!”

Treecko (smiles): “Treecko!”

Brawly: “You battled hard, Machop, thanks.” (Returns it and comes to Max)
“It was a very intense battle, Max! I present you the Knuckle Badge, well done!”

Max (takes the badge and shouts): “Yeah, I got the Knuckle Badge!”

Forrest: “Congratulations, Max!”

Randy: “Yeah! You battled great!”

Max: “Thanks, guys! Let’s go to the Pokemon Center, I want to give my Pokemon to Nurse Joy.”

Forrest: “Sure.”

Randy: “That’s a nice idea!”

Max (turns to Brawly): “Okay, bye, and thank you!”

Brawly: “Bye!”

(Max walks few meters, stops and turns to Brawly.)

Max: “Well, don’t you need to go to PokeCenter as well?”

Brawly: “Huh, I have no need for that. My Pokemon will have sand bath and surf with me.”

Max: “That’s cool. Ok, good luck to you.”

(As they say goodbye to Brawly and the judge, they go to the Pokemon Center. On their way they see the Dewford Town harbor, and they see a schedule.)

Max (looks at it): “Look, Forrest. A ship to Slateport City leaves tomorrow at 2 p.m.”

Forrest: “Yeah, I see.”

Randy: “And mine departs at 6 p.m. tomorrow as well.”

(Then they go to the Pokemon Center. As they come in, they see Nurse Joy and come to her.)

Max, Forrest, Randy: “Hi, Nurse Joy!”

Nurse Joy (friendly and kind as usual): “Hello! Can I help you?”

Max: “Yes! Nurse Joy, I had a gym battle…Can you look after my Pokemon?”(Gives her three Pokeballs.)

Nurse Joy: “I sure can!”(Takes them) “They’ll be fine and healthy very soon! That’s my job!”

Max (happily): “Thank you, Nurse Joy!”

Nurse Joy: “You are welcome!” (And then looks at Forrest.)
“By any chance, are you Forrest from Rustboro City?”

Forrest (surprised): “Yes, I am.”

Nurse Joy: “Great. I’ve finally found you! My cousin, Nurse Joy from Rustboro City, left me and all Nurse Joy of Hoenn a message from a boy named Forrester.” (Shows his picture.)

Forrest: “Yes, it is him! What’s the problem?”

Nurse Joy: “Wait and see.”

(Nurse Joy calls her cousin in Rustboro City. She says that he found Forrest.)

Nurse Joy from Rustboro: “He must be not far. I’ll send Chansey for him.”

Nurse Joy from Dewford: “Okay, I understood.” (Turns to the boys)
“Take a seat here.” (Points at the table nearby) “I’ll tell you when my cousin calls me back.”

Forrest: “Okay.”

(They sit there, and Max is wondering about what has happened to Forrester.)

Forrest: “I have no idea what is that about. Forrester never called me.”

Max: “We’ll soon find out, don’t worry. Nurse Joy of Rustboro City said that he will find Forrester. Talking about Rustboro…” (Looks at Randy) “Isn’t Rustboro where are you planning to go next?”

Randy: “Yeah! I am planning to beat the gym leader there.”

Nurse Joy: “Forrest, come here! It is Forrester! He is on the phone!”

Forrest: “I come!” (As they come and sees the familiar face in the screen.)

Forrester: “Hi, Forrest! Hi Max and…”

Randy: “Hi, I am Randy!”

Forrester: “Hi, Randy!”

Max: “Hi!”

Forrest: “Hi, Forrester! What’s up?”

Forrester: “Oh, well…you won’t believe it.”

Forrest: “I won’t believe what?”

Forrester: “Hmm…”

(In this moment a woman with long black hair and purple dress comes to the screen. She stares at Forrest and screams.)

???: “Forrest, dear! How are you? I’ve come back!”

Forrest: “No way, Mommy!”

The end of the 17th Chapter.

Dawn+Serena Fan
22nd August 2012, 1:48 AM
Interesting end to the battle, I knew Mex would win. I love the cliffhanger, I wonder why Forrest's mom appeared.

dirkac
22nd August 2012, 8:12 AM
Interesting cliffhanger, liked how the battle went too. Machop was unexpected, despite Brawly having one anyway.
And about the pokesuggestions for Forrest and Max, why not give Max a Vulpix? Because it evolves with a Fire Stone, which was mined by Steven in Granite Cave, and Stone evolutions have never happened in the anime. It also forces Max to go to Mt. Pyre, a region never visited in the Anime (along with Rusturf Tunnel and Shoal Cave, but Whismur and Spheal don't really seem like fits unless he gets rid of Mudkip).

RealRaymon
22nd August 2012, 10:31 AM
And about the pokesuggestions for Forrest and Max, why not give Max a Vulpix? Because it evolves with a Fire Stone, which was mined by Steven in Granite Cave, and Stone evolutions have never happened in the anime. It also forces Max to go to Mt. Pyre, a region never visited in the Anime (along with Rusturf Tunnel and Shoal Cave, but Whismur and Spheal don't really seem like fits unless he gets rid of Mudkip).
Well, the reason I don't give him Vulpix is that I have never like this Pokemon. It looks like it is female or for females. I hope you understood)
About stone evolutions, you are right, I may think about that.
About Rusturf Tunnel, Mt.Pyre and Shoal Cave, Max will go to these places sooner or later:)

infernape100
22nd August 2012, 1:35 PM
Max (returns Mudkip): “You battle was awesome, Mudkip!”

Great battle and i like the twist at the end, as well as the information about the sand bath. But the quote above doesn't really make sense, though I get what he was trying to say, it may have made more sense to say 'The way you battled was awesome' or something like that, though over than this there were very few grammar issues. Keep up the good work!