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Elemental Charizam
6th April 2005, 4:54 PM
~Foreword~
Ok, I know it's very bad of me to start another new thread, but I'm really unhappy with the early chapters, and I'm too much of a perfectionist to leave it as it is. It's much easier to revise on a chapter by chapter basis, so I'm starting a new thread to do so. Who knows, maybe more people will become readers too?


~Index~
Chapter One: Beginnings (http://www.serebiiforums.com/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=1349196)
Chapter Two: Ready To Go! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=1377936)
Chapter Three: Leaving Petalburg (http://www.serebiiforums.com/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=1388193)
Chapter Four: Omens (http://www.serebiiforums.com/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=1475445)
Chapter Five: The Seventh Sin (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1562925#post1562925)
Interlude One: Tears Of Blood (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1567551#post1567551)
Chapter Six: A Serpent and Cyanide (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1722008#post1722008)
Chapter Seven: A Stones Throw (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1878594#post1878594)
Chapter Eight: Psyshipping Across The Ocean (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1897300#post1897300)
Chapter Nine: Black Beach (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=1939426#post1939426)
Chapter Ten: Psydelus The Surfer (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2174749#post2174749)



~Prologue: Draconic Saviour~
The flickering light of the campfire illuminated the cave, casting strange shadows on the walls. Two teenagers were lying down in huge dark blue sleeping bags. The one on the right was Adam, he had dark chestnut hair and blue eyes that were veiled with a small pair of chrome glasses. The other was George, his well tanned face was illuminated by the proximity of the fire, and his black hair shone brightly.

Adam turned to look at George, who was roasting marshmallows over the fire with a wooden stick.

"Hey George, pass the bag will you?" asked Adam, yawning slightly.

"Sure," said George, tossing the bag across the cave to his friend.

The two were in high spirits, in a week they'd get pokémon and begin their Houenn Gym challenge. They lived in Petalburg and had been anticipating their Trainers licenses with glee. They'd already decided to travel together, at least until Slateport, where their teams would have had ample time to strengthen up. The cave was part of George’s ‘training plan’ so they’d be ready for traveling. Though it’d been hard he’d finally convinced Adam that it was worthwhile with the offer of marshmallows. Their chosen cave was in a range of mountains just outside Petalburg, where extremely strong pokémon lived in the harsh rocky climate.

A deep terrifying roar erupted from far outside the cave, and a resonant pounding could be heard, edging closer and closer. George leapt out of his sleeping bag and peered cautiously around the cave entrance. A gigantic blue and red dragon was thundering it’s way up the path, flapping humongous orange wings that curved inwards. It’s head had two large protrusions of skin that served at rudders when flying, making it’s huge dagger filled mouth capable of catching things in flight. It’s dark body was rounded, and it’s blue legs were thick and positioned like table legs. On the whole, not something you want to see coming towards your hidey-hole.

“In retrospect, I think the Atlan caves might have been a bad choice,” said Adam bitterly, narrowing his eyes.

“We’re about to get eaten alive and all you can think about is sarcasm?” retaliated George, glancing briefly in Adams direction.

“I’d make a… “ Adam began, but was cut off by a huge thud.

Standing in the doorway was the gigantic Salamence, pawing the ground with gigantic feet and roaring loudly. It soon began advancing on the two, pushing them further and further into the cave. The two ran swiftly through the labyrinth of passages, until they reached another cave. The cave floor was covered in browning
straw, and in the far corner a large orange dragon slept. her wings were tucked behind her back, and her burning tail was swaying high above her body. George barely had time to gasp as a jet of green flame lashed out from the Salamences mouth and struck the sleeping Charizard full on.

With a reptilian snarl the Charizard rose from it’s nest, uncovering a large egg, covered in a swirling orange and red pattern. The Salamence had done something
you should never do, disturb a maternal dragon, for at the moment she’d be angry enough to take on Raqyquaza himself. A jet of orange flame blasted the Salamence a black soot like colour, scorching the thick skin badly. In retaliation the blue pokémon shot another jet of green flame, but Charizard was already in flight and easily dodged it, crashing into Salamence with an outstretched claw. She quickly started to Dragon Claw her opponent until it was bleeding heavily, dying the skin a dark crimson. With a final jet of green flame at it’s foe, Salamence fled, being blasted all the way with bright jets of flame. It was lucky that the other dragon needed to tend to her egg, or it probably wouldn’t have escaped with it’s life. Lucky for the Salamence, that is.

Charizard stomped back into her chamber, covering her egg protectively and roaring loudly as a warning to anyone to back off. It appeared unconcerned about the presence of Adam and George however; they were no threat to her or the egg. Deciding it might be prudent to leave, the two slowly backed away from the hatching chamber, and down through the hole cave complex to the entrance.

“Wow…” whispered George when they finally arrived outside.

He glanced at the ashes that had been their campfire, stomped out of existence by the fleeing dragon. The marshmallows were wrecked as well, much to Adam’s dismay.


End Of The Prologue

Olyon
6th April 2005, 5:25 PM
Cool, I cant wait to read the rest. I feel a bit humble, rating your prologue seems a little awkward as I am a complete newbie to this forum and you have been on them since September! But anyway it was great, I loved the dragon fight, a bit gory, but it was a good prologue and I cant wait to read more.

Chibi Pika
7th April 2005, 3:37 PM
Aww, that sucks...you don't have to start a new thread, you could just edit the chapters...otherwise I would've needed several new threads by now XP But ah well, as you said, this probably is a good way to grab more readers :D

~Chibi~;249;

Blue Aurora
7th April 2005, 5:08 PM
It quickly started to dragon claw it’s opponent until it was bleeding heavily.
Not the best way to describe the maternal Charizard. A better way would be:

The raging, overprotective mother kept on slashing her opponent with her claws until the opposing dragon's normally blue scales were coated in a bright red.
But other than that, it's a great first start! But could you please do me a favor? Review the story in my sig, Champion of the Wild!

Ash_Junior
7th April 2005, 7:28 PM
who ever said that Pokemon bood has to be red? it could be yellow, it could be purple...

it could even be hot pink!

:D

great story, EC. The reason I hadn't read this before was that it was, well, long and way into it...:D

nice job.

Elemental Charizam
7th April 2005, 7:53 PM
Wow! 4 responses! *puts on celebration music* I just realised I posted the old version though XD No major changes yet so don't bother re-reading :D


cool, I cant wait to read the rest. I feel a bit degraded and rating your prologue makes me feel uncomfortable as i am a complete newbie to this forum and you have been on them since September! But anyway it was great, I loved the dragon fight, a bit gory, but it was a good prologue and i cant wait to read more.
It doesn't matter how long you've been on the forums, if it did then people would listen to what Serebii had to say. Thanks for the review though, I've started to read yours so yu can expect a review today or tommorow if I forget.


Aww, that sucks...you don't have to start a new thread, you could just edit the chapters...otherwise I would've needed several new threads by now XP But ah well, as you said, this probably is a good way to grab more readers :D

~Chibi~
Yeah :D Also, this way existing readers will hopefully re-read, and there are some important changes planned in this revision.



It quickly started to dragon claw it’s opponent until it was bleeding heavily.

Not the best way to describe the maternal Charizard. A better way would be:


The raging, overprotective mother kept on slashing her opponent with her claws until the opposing dragon's normally blue scales were coated in a bright red.


But other than that, it's a great first start! But could you please do me a favor? Review the story in my sig, Champion of the Wild!
That's kinda fixed in the new version, though I think yours is still better. If you look at 'Champion Of The Wild' then you'll see I've reviewed :)


who ever said that Pokemon blood has to be red? it could be yellow, it could be purple...

it could even be hot pink!

:D

great story, EC. The reason I hadn't read this before was that it was, well, long and way into it...:D

nice job.
Yeah, Salamencew blood is red, but Gulpin blood for example is a kind of bright-pus yellow :x

Yeah, the old one was kinda large. Thanks for the review :D

My plan actually seems to have worked *Gasp*
Chapter one should be finished tommorow sometime, though there's still a way to go as it was really short in the old version.

~EC

Kiyohime
8th April 2005, 2:50 AM
Fee fi fo fum. I'm HERE. Boo. And I shall still be your permament reviewer. *sets up cardboard box and blanket*

You have quite good description, but it seems things happen too quickly. SLow down a little and take the time to describe more in-depth details. ^^ I was not able to find a single spelling or grammaticial error, so good job. ^^

..::Scrap::..

Flaming Lip
8th April 2005, 3:01 AM
I found a place where you failed to capitalized the first letter of the sentecnce but I really do not care. Good job I want to read more... Post the chapters quickly so you won't be poked with my Ringo Starr doll...

blaziken92
8th April 2005, 4:21 AM
i love this story keep posting

Elemental Charizam
13th April 2005, 8:55 PM
Fee fi fo fum. I'm HERE. Boo. And I shall still be your permament reviewer. *sets up cardboard box and blanket*

You have quite good description, but it seems things happen too quickly. SLow down a little and take the time to describe more in-depth details. ^^ I was not able to find a single spelling or grammaticial error, so good job. ^^


..::Scrap::..
Ok, I think this is slowed a bit down from the Prologue simply because of the nature of the contents. Some things aren't described very thorougly though, so it still needs work. I'm suprised at the lack of errors, but it is a pretty short piece...

*hands Scrap permenant reviwer pie, made from 100% real Swellow*


I found a place where you failed to capitalized the first letter of the sentecnce but I really do not care. Good job I want to read more... Post the chapters quickly so you won't be poked with my Ringo Starr doll...
Urk... this doesn't count as late does it? Thanks for the review though *eyes Ringo Starr doll* I think ;)

Thanks for the review too Blaziken, even if it was a bit short ;)

So yes, the first chapter is here! Tremble in fear and such...


Chapter 1: Beginnings
The chrome alarm-clock rang loudly, waking Adam up from his deep sleep. He jumped from his bed as if it was on fire, and muffling the clock with his pillow while it stopped ringing. Swiftly he changed from his dark blue pajamas into his beige combats and a plain white shirt. Grabbing his black baseball cap he edged the door open, and tip-toed quietly down the carpeted stairs. It was exactly 6:00 in the morning if his clock was set correctly, which left him plenty of time to go to Littleroot and collect his starter. Reaching the polished mahogany door of their house Adam turned the keys discreetly and stepped outside into the fresh air. Taking a deep breath he set off across the dew-covered lawn, making his way to the large pond where he’d agreed to meet George in ten minutes time. Seeing the large body of water come into view he sat on one of the wooden benches that stood inches from the pond.

Suddenly, a pebble skimmed across the tranquil pool, sending large ripples across the reflective surface of the pond and splashing Adam’s face and trousers with icy cold water. Scanning the bank he soon saw George waving to him. He was clothed in his favourite grey sports trousers and dark blue t-shirt, standing out from his lush green surroundings.

“Sorry!” called George, running up to the bench.

“It’s ok, I needed help waking up anyway,” replied Adam sarcastically, getting up from his seat.
“Well, we better get going, we don’t want to be late,” said George cheerfully, ignoring his friends tone.

“Yeah, everyone else is flocking to the lab at twenty-past six in the morning”

Despite his words Adam followed George through the paved streets Petalburg city, passing a Postman on his early delivery. The loud chirping of the dawn chorus accompanied them out of the city and on to the dusty cobblestone path that lead to Oldale; and eventually Littleroot. The two examined the bushes and tall grass for signs of pokémon, seeing how many different species they could see. The most frequent were Tailow, small indigo coloured birds with red and white feathered chests and dark yellow beaks that gleamed in the morning sun as they darted across the grass. Another popular species was Wurmple, a spiky-backed red bug that crawled amongst the grass, gobbling up leaves and grass ravenously.

After a mile or so the slate tiled roofs of Oldale town came into view through the branches of a large ash tree. Oldale was a tiny town consisting of only a Pokécenter, a small shop and a few streets of white houses. Like Petalburg it was a very green city; every house with its own front garden full of colourful summer flowers. Everyone was still asleep so the pair passed through un-noticed, their discussion moving to which starter they planned on choosing.

“I’m hoping for a Charmander, they’re easily the best fire type and my overall favourite of the generic starters. What about you George?” asked Adam, his feet echoing as he walked along the wooden bridge out of Oldale.

“I don’t know… I’m not too keen on the Houenn starters, though Mudkip is alright. I think I’ll go for a Cyndaquil, or maybe a Totodile…” mused George thoughtfully.

As they walked they passed a sign indicating that Littleroot lab was half a mile a way. Picking up the pace the pair zoomed along the tree-surrounded path, leaping over potholes and sliding down ledges. Eventually they reached a cliff overlooking the small village of Littleroot. The sun shone brightly on the log houses of the village, as well as the yellow-brick lab that the two were heading for. George immediately slid down the nearest ledge, and was soon joined by a sighing Adam.

When they did reached the lab it was still closed, so the two went and leaned on the brown brick wall in the designated queue area to wait for Professor Elm to get up. As they reclined another wannabe trainer walked up to their position, humming happily. A black bandanna stretched across his forehead, a sharp contrast with his white hair and emerald eyes. He wore a two-piece black tracksuit and a pair of sparkling white running shoes. Seeing the other two soon-to-be trainers he decided to start up a conversation to pass the time.

“Hi! My name’s Brendan, and I live just opposite the lab,” he said, pointing to his house.

“Hey Brendan! I’m George and this is Adam, and we came here from Petalburg,” said George, smiling.

“Yeah,” agreed Adam grudgingly, before lightening up a bit “do you know which starter you want yet?”

“Yep, I’m hoping to get a Torchic, and seeing as Dad has a surplus and I’m third here it shouldn’t be a problem,” said Brendan, grinning widely at the thought of having his own pokémon.

Just then the glass doors of the lab slid open and the Professor walked out, ruffling his pale brown hair. Compared to other professors Elm was quite young, though he still wore the traditional white lab coat. Clapping his hands together he surveyed the group happily, gesturing at them to come in.

“Hello everyone! I’m Professor Elm, though I’m sure some of you know this already,” he said, winking at Brendan discreetly. “Today I’m going to show you a brief training video, and then you’ll receive your starting pokémon. Any questions?”

Everyone shook their heads, so the Professor led them through the twin doors. The sterilized white floor tiles of the corridor gave the lab an unnatural disinfected smell like that of a dentist’s tools. The white walls and metal doors were equally clean, glowing in the sun that filtered through the windows. As they walked further they passed several advanced looking chrome machines with tiny lights and beeps emanating from them sporadically. After a while of the sparkly corridors the Professor came to a stop outside a door, and pushed it open.

A dark green carpet covered the entire floor, and the walls were covered in large mahogany paneling. Unlike the futuristic corridors the room gave off a cozy vibe, a crackling fire in the left corner of the room heating it easily. The most remarkable thing however was a gigantic plasma TV that occupied the entire right wall, surrounded by brown leather sofas.

“Well you three, just take a seat on one of those sofas and wait for the rest to come. I’ll just start the video off – the beginning is unnecessary anyway,” sighed Elm, pressing a button as he left the room.

The massive screen sprang to life instantly, displaying a plain dark-olive background with the words ‘Pokémon and You’ in swirling black writing. It faded away to reveal an old Professor with light grey hair and surprisingly tanned skin walking through a forest. The tips of brown leather shoes poked out from his lab coat as he walked, the swishing of his coat loud in the quiet environment. Eventually he sat down on a tree stump and the camera zoomed in.

“Hello everybody! I’m Professor Oak, and I’m here to guide you through choosing your starting pokémon,” saying this, Oak took a pokéball from his belt a pressed the button.

In a flash of brilliant light a small purple rat appeared, long whiskers twitching in curiosity. Her small curly tail was brushing the ground, and her creamy belly fur was flattened to her body. As if this wasn’t enough, her pearly incisor teeth were bared; it was obvious she was nervous. But as soon as she saw Oak she dropped the defensive position, at ease in his company.

“This is a Rattata, a common pokémon in the Kanto region. The thing many forget about pokémon is while they’re as intelligent as us, and sometimes more so, they are much more in tune with their instincts and nature. This particular Rattata is not in danger however, she’s just a very nervous individual,” said Oak in an amused tone.

-“Yeah, well, this forest is pretty intimidating from down here,”- she muttered timidly.

“Don’t be surprised if you and your pokémon don’t instantly hit it off, it can take a while to bond with your pokémon, especially ones who are timid, irritably or reclusive. Friendship is however a very important part of training, knowing your pokémons strengths and weaknesses greatly helps in devising strategies, they’ll be easier to carry out and have a greater effect. Out of the three types offered as starters each one is strong against one of the other three, and weak to the other,” explained Oak happily. “However, I’m not just talking about type advantages.”

Reaching behind him Oak brought out a large square card, holding it up so the camera could see. On it, there was a photograph of a small circular pokémon. Inside the clear whitish chest the dark black of the intestines could be clearly seen, swirling hypnotically. Apart from the chest area and the transparent tail, smooth navy skin encased the frog-like creature. Poking through at the top of the head were two rounded eyes that seemed to peer out, and the rubbery lips formed a perfect ‘O’ shape.

“This is a Poliwag; an unusual water type. What’s unusual is the way they can use their spiraling intestines to hypnotize foes, leaving the helpless. Because of this, Poliwag and its evolutions have an advantage over slower opponents, though the quick can strike first, obliterating the advantage. Lastly however, you must incorporate your pokémons personality into your strategy. A risky plan will be much more successful with a reckless pokémon who won’t doubt the plan and hesitate, just as a more defensive strategy is better suited to one with patience. With this, I conclude this brief video, I hope it helps you make the right choice,” finished Oak, smiling briefly before the TV was turned off again.

As Adam glanced over his shoulder he saw Birch was back, with quite a few new trainers. At the moment The Professor was adjusting a machine that seemed to have slid right out of the wall. Simultaneously, he and George rose and walked over, closely followed by Brendan. As they arrived, Birch stepped back from the machine and pressed the ‘ON’ button. On the screen were the images of the nine starters from Kanto, Johto and Houenn. George was up first, and after a short pause he chose Totodile; a small blue crocodile with an impressive set of razor sharp teeth and sharp gripping claws. As he made the selection, a pokéball with the words ‘TOTODILE♀’ inscribed in tiny letters shot out from the dome with a clunk. As George got out of the way, Adam stepped up and immediately selected Charmander; a smooth-skinned orange lizard with a flaming tail tip and milky white stomach. His pokéball arrived in the same way as before, the words ‘CHARMANDER (S) ♂’ inset into the ball. With a small shove from the queue behind him, Brendan stepped up and picked Torchic; a flightless orange bird with sharp yellow talons. His own pokéball plopped out, the inscription reading ‘TORCHIC ♀’.

As the other trainers stepped forwards eagerly, Brendan and George hurriedly pressed the central button on the balls, releasing their choices. As Brendan’s fluffy Torchic emerged, she instantly started to hop about, chirping happily. Totodile emerged seconds after, stretching and yawning widely. George picked her up, though he was almost blinded when the sunlight reflected off the golden strip in her midsection. Adam chuckled slightly, and released his Charmander…


The End Of Chapter 1

Kiyohime
14th April 2005, 2:54 AM
Well-done, but a bit generic, although it was interesing at the end how you had their genders inscribed on the Pokeballs. ^^ When I say generic, I mean as in it isn't original with the starters and the laboratory. =/ Although, it is very improved from the revised version. There are simply a few spots where it's a little unclear as to who is speaking, such as with the Rattata.

..::Scrap::..

Elemental Charizam
23rd April 2005, 3:22 PM
I know, I'm guilty of genericide XD Proffesor Tree and all... at least they didn't live in Littleroot right? The Rattata line is odd now I read it, I never even said she was female before. I'll try and edit it to make more sense.

Anyway, here is Chapter two. I have a love-hate relationship with gthis Chapter... I like how it turned out, but it's too short really. I've been trying to edit it for ages, but I've given up for the time being.


Chapter 2: Ready to Go!
As the red glow faded away it revealed a Charmander; but his smooth skin was pitch-black instead of orange, and his white stomach glowed far brighter than normal. His ruby eyes glanced around the room, taking particular interest in the trainer before him. Brendan and George looked at the unusual pokémon with interest, while Adam cocked his eyebrow in surprise. Even some of the queuing trainers noticed, several of them eyeing Charmander jealously.

-“Is this my trainer then?”- he asked the professor, pointing to Adam with one of his small arms.

“Yes, it seems so,” Elm answered Charmander, before turning to Adam. “I’m sure you’re wondering where I got this fellow? I have many shiny pokémon thanks to my grandson. He found this Charmander in a rocket warehouse in the Sevii islands, so after I scanned his data I thought the best way of getting more data on him would be to give him to a trainer.”

He rummaged in his lab coats pocket, finally withdrawing his hand with a small rectangular card grasped firmly. Checking it briefly to make sure it was the right one, he handed it to Adam.

“If anything you think is unusual happens, please contact me at the lab,” he added briskly.

”Sure, I will,” said Adam nonchalantly, taking the card and putting it in his wallet.

Meanwhile Totodile and Torchic had started chasing each other around the room, dislodging some of the books on the shelves and sending them tumbling to the ground. Dodging they’re trainers attempts to recall them, they jumped down, Totodile giving George an annoyed look.

“Sorry!” said the two trainers in unison.

“It’s ok, it’s just a few rumpled pages,” said Elm, picking up the fallen books.

“Well, I better be going, my mom has a ‘surprise’ for me at home,” said Brendan, slinging his bag high on his shoulder, and brushing his white hair behind his head.

“Yeah, we should be going too, we’re expected back at Petalburg,” agreed George.

“Well before you go, I have something else to give you,” said the professor, handing them each a red semi-oval device. “That’s V.3 of the pokédex, it has information on almost all the pokémon species, it’ll be a valuable asset in your journey!”

“Thanks professor!” said Brendan and George in unison, admiring their pokédexes.

“Yeah…thanks,” Adam yawned.

The two made the journey through the maze of corridors accompanied by Brendan and a few other trainers who’d just received starters or pokédexes. Pushing the doors wide open they took a deep breath of fresh air, before setting off for Petalburg. Totodile ran ahead, somersaulting in joy to be outside, while Charmander kept pace with his trainer, brushing the floor with his flaming tail. They walked for a long time, chatting about their starters, how humans were ‘dim in the brain’, and how Charmander could use ‘a drop of tact and a big bottle of shut up’.

As the group departed Oldale George heard a noise behind them; high pitched, like a Rattata squeaking. Turning around he saw a small white pokémon with a circular green head and a bright orange triangle jutting oddly from her midriff. He didn’t need to use his pokédex to tell what pokémon this was, his little sister adored Ralts. He mentally groaned, he didn’t have any pokéballs, it would have been great to surprise his little sis with a Ralts, and a psychic pokémon was always handy to have around. Adam had obviously noticed it too, as he was reaching for his pokédex with a curious expression.

“No need buddy, this is a Ralts. Don’t you remember at my sisters birthday party?” said George looking expectantly at his friend.

Realization slowly dawned on Adams face “I remember. She had a Ralts cake with ghastly pink icing. Let’s see, if I remember correctly it’s a psychic type, right?”

“Yep,” George answered “I just wish I had some pokéballs with me.”

“Well, you could always battle it for experience, it’d be a waste to just do nothing,” replied Adam.

“Yeah, I guess so,” said George, grinning broadly. “Totodile go!”

The Ralts looked at the two, confused by their babbling. Suddenly a Totodile dropped into her vision, and started to bite at her viciously, her small maw dripping with dark energy as she did so. Dodging the attacks the small pokémon grasped at her head, sending projections of herself all around Totodile with an impressive Double Team technique. George looked in admiration at the move, it had Totodile utterly confused; and pretty annoyed too for that matter.

“Totodile, Water Gun in the air!” commanded George after a brief pause.

Nodding happily, Totodile opened her mouth again and sent a stream of clear water high in the air, spaying a fountain water through the mirror images and causing them to falter. He could see which was the real Ralts, now drenched from head to toe, and luckily she was right in front of Totodile.

“Totodile, aim your Water Gun straight ahead, and follow with a Bite attack!” said George, hoping it would be successful.

His Totodile obeyed him, soaking the Ralts with another jet of water, and sending her flying into the tree. As she began to rise Totodile rushed forwards, closing her jaw on the Ralts stomach and knocking her foe temporarily unconscious. George raised his hand in victory, and brought it swooping down to meet Totodile’s arm. As they walked on they continued celebrating to the point where their voices could be heard all the way on Worlds Edge island.

“No need to get so exited, it was just a Ralts after all,” said Adam as George continued to celebrate.

“I think you’re just jealous that I won a battle and you haven’t even had one yet!” retorted George.

“Why would I be jealous of a small thing like that? I think you’re just touchy, as usual,”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one who….” George was interrupted by a jet of water hitting him in the face.

-“Stop arguing! We’re here!”- yelled an angry Totodile, pointing at a sign saying ‘Petalburg City’.

Following Totodiles finger, George saw that they were on the outskirts of Petalburg, the shiny peach coloured houses with red brick roofs mingling into the nearby forest. But before he could say anything about their location, Adam did.

“Well we’re here, goodbye! See ‘ya later!” called Adam, speaking very fast as he ran off to his house.

George blinked in an exaggerated tone, before heading off to his house, glowering slightly at his Water-Gun happy Totodile and muttering about umbrellas.

Adam opened his door, quickly, heading across the green carpet for the comfortable red sofas to sit down and rest. But before he could, his family erupted from behind them, grins plastered firmly on their faces. Adam also noticed a large pile of gifts between the two sofas, glittering in gold, silver, and in one case, orange.

“Surprise!” yelled the group as bright multi-colored streamers were released from the ceiling, and someone fired a party-popper in his direction. Ducking for cover he chuckled, though it turned into a hysterical laugh when he saw the shocked expression on Charmanders face.


The End of Chapter 2

~EC

Olyon
24th April 2005, 5:05 PM
i love shiny pokemon, theyre so cool and its a charmander! I love charmander!! im glad u got a decent reason for Adam to recieve it as well.


Dodging they’re trainers attempts to recall them, the jumped down, Totodile giving George an annoyed look.

I was unsure as to what this sentence meant, but i think the "the jumped down" bit should be they jumped down, if it isnt, plz tell me wat u meant :D

Anyway, im gonna read more once u write it, your writing keeps me interested. Iwas kind of dissapointed when i ddnt guess what the pokemon was when u described the Ralts, but thts just my lack of knowledge :p.

Actually, I realised somethin, isnt a shiny Charmander supposed to be a golden colour, the Charizard is black but Charmanders golden. But im just bein picky, the black Charmander probably has somethin to do with the plot or maybe the shiny pokemon are different colours in ur story, i wont know unless i read so ill shut up now.

Edit: Sorry about all that bloody chat speak o.O;

Elemental Charizam
24th April 2005, 6:26 PM
Thanks for the typo finding, it's been corrected now :D

As for the Charmander thing, I'm suprised you're the first to mention it. Shinies can be pretty much any colour variation possible in my fics, so Charmander isn't too odd. That doesn't mean it doesn't have to do with the plot though ;) Thanks for reviewing again Olyon, have some pie *hands Swellow pie*

Elemental Charizam
26th April 2005, 10:26 PM
Okay, I think this is a good time to post Chapter Three ^_^ I won't be posting Chapter Four for quite some time due top certain exams. Not that it'll be a problem seeing as most reviwers are MIA as well XD


Chapter 3: Leaving Petalburg
As soon as the bombardment of multicolour string was over, Adam leapt up from behind his bunker. The whole family grinned at him, and orally ushered him over to his pile of presents. His mother, Carla had straight mahogany hair and shining emerald eyes. She was tall and fairly thin, with a oval shaped head on her shoulders. Her daughter Aya was like a mirror image, only slightly smaller in stature, though her wide smile was by far the largest. Peter, his father, was a tall muscular man with short black messy hair, and a toned down version of his daughters grin plastered on his tanned face. As Adam walked over to his mound of gifts, Charmander followed him from behind the sofa, flashing a reptilian grin at the gathered group.

-“Hey everyone! This guy, who I guess you know, is going to be my trainer! Great, huh? I’ll become so great, I’ll look at Rayquaza with scorn! I’ll laugh as I thrash Kyorgre with a single…”- babbled Charmander excitedly, not giving anyone a chance to speak, or breathe for that matter.

“You got a shiny starter!?” yelled his sister over the din, winking at Adam quickly. “How much did you give Elm, 500? 600?”

Choosing not to answer Adam glanced again at his humongous pile of presents. His sister was nudging him to open them, anxious to see what he had, or possibly just to shut Charmander up. Rolling his eyes in amusement, Adam lifted up his first gift; a cylindrical package wrapped in glossy orange paper with a Charizard print. It was Adam’s personal favourite, a gigantic fire-breathing dragon that decimated foes with ease. Carefully he sliced through the holographic tape that bonded the paper together with a sharp pair of scissors. Unfurling the paper carefully, he revealed a black pokéball belt, with six chrome shells attached to it.

“It’s from me,” said his sister grinning “I saw it in the Lilycove store. You can use any of those cases as covers for any kind of pokéballs. Pity I didn’t know you’d get a shiny, I could have gotten you the sparkly black ones instead.”

“Thanks sis!” said Adam, giving his sister the thumbs up sign.

Next he chose the largest present, a gigantic square covered in bright gold paper, with a silver ribbon tied elegantly around it. It sparkled promisingly as Adam undid the bow and prized the paper open. In the box was an equally black backpack with a with a large, white stencil pokéball on the lower compartment. At the top, the top of two potions poked through, and a slight bulge betrayed the presence of further goods. There was a side pocket for berries, another for TMs and badges and the main compartment for potions, food an anything else.

“That’s from us,” said his parents together, smiling brightly.

“Thanks!” said Adam happily, picking up a slightly smaller package from the floor.

This last one was wrapped in silver wrapping, which soon came off with the assistance of the scissors. When it fell to the ground it revealed a book called ‘The Gym Leaders of Houenn and Advanced Battle Strategy ~By Professor Iris’, and a pair of velvet-covered black cases. He soon realized they two where a TM case and a badge case respectively, as it was written in neat silver ink on the back of each. The TM case had a hundred and twenty-eight slots for the small move-teaching devices, and the badge case had 8 stones in different colours, with a groove to fit it’s designated badge. Brushing away the paper wrapping into a nearby bin, he glanced again at the gifts, obviously impressed; for once.

“Thanks guys!” he laughed, and submitted to a hug from his parents.

“You should pack all the stuff ‘ya want quick, you don’t want to be the last trainer on the road!” advised Aya cheerfully as Charmander twittered away behind her.


*********

Later that day he said his farewells to his family; who waved goodbye from the porch. He hoisted his fully packed bag higher on his shoulder, and went to meet George on the stretch of path between their houses. George was for once early, and it seemed that he too had got a new bag, a large black one with emerald patches on the side compartments.

“Hey Adam, you ready to head out into the forest?” asked George.

“Sure!” replied Adam, filled with unusual cheer.

So they set off through Petalburg, trampling passed houses and shops until they reached the healthy fauna that grew on the outskirts of the city. They were met with a pleasant sea breeze as they reached the cliffs overlooking the beach, and walked calmly down the weathered steps to the speckled sands. They started the long journey across it, watching the tide lap the shore in silence. After a few minutes f silent ambling they saw a young trainer, rolling a black ball to his floating pokémon. The Solrocks main circular body was dark orange, and it had brighter orange spikes jutting from its rocky skin. While its eyes were round, only a small slit opened so it could see, the golden eyelid protecting its red glowing eyes. Every so often it spun around, using its twirling spikes to knock the ball high, until eventually it hit the sand with a smack like a spade hitting wet cement. The boy himself had short brown hair and wore black shorts and a red t-shirt dotted with random symbols in blue ink. Seeing Charmander and Totodile he rushed towards them, panting heavily from the exertion. Eventually he arrived beside them, followed by an equally tired Solrock.

“Hey!” he yelled rudely, still out of breath. “Will either of you two battle me and my Solrock?”

“Uh sure, why not?” said George, hurling a pokéball high in the air. “Go Totodile!”

Out popped… nothing. George saw his blue little crocodile already out with a grin plastered on her menacing face. Seeing the Solrock she turned to battle stance, waving her arms quickly and dancing about with amazing agility. The Solrock glided closer, ready for the inevitable order to strike.

“Solrock, Slam!” yelled the trainer abruptly, shattering the tense silence.

“Totodile, Water Gun!” countered George quickly.

The rocky pokémon sped towards Totodile, pointing knife like blades straight forwards. But before it could touch Totodile a jet of icy water hit it hard, reversing its trajectory. The Solrock was obviously devastated by the attack, thrown deep into the wet sand by the force. Still, it hovered up again, though the attack had caused a lot of damage.

“Solrock, Solar Beam them now!” yelled the boy angrily.

“Quick, Totodile, finish it with another Water Gun!” said George, exasperated.

And he had a good reason to be, the Solrock was already charged due to the hot midday sun. After glowing for a few seconds it sent a glowing beam of light straight at the approaching spout of water. They met midway, the solar beam evaporating the water and hitting the sand to its opponents left. The glow fading from its skin, the Solrock fainted from sheer exhaustion. Totodile, while mildly scorched, was still conscious, dancing in victory and squealing happily at her victory. The young boy was clearly disappointed, recalling Solrock with a look of distain, before walking off to the pokémon center in a silent rage.

“What was his problem?” asked Adam, rolling his eyes.

“Dunno, I guess he took losing pretty hard,” replied George.

“Yeah, he must have a degree in jerkitude. He must have been training with Solrock earlier too, it fainted way too fast,” stated Adam thoughtfully. “And I still haven’t battled yet!”

-“Yeah, I need to battle, I’ll be the greatest pokémon ever…”- agreed Charmander dreamily.

“Come on then, the forest’s just ahead. Maybe we can make it to Rustboro today so we can kick some serious behind!” yelled George, braking into a swift run.

Adam soon followed, calling to his daydreaming Charmander to follow before he got soaked by the tide. The ash black pokémon followed them, walking up to Totodile, and starting up a conversation. He was hoping to make friends with his fellow pokémon, even if she was a water type. The two walked side by side, keeping pace with their trainers as they sped across the sand. Adam could overhear his pokémon talk about his close encounter with the sea, though he was sadly unable to hear Totodiles reply.

As they finally reached the end of the long beach around half an hour later they were exhausted, climbing up the stairs on all fours. Even the boisterous Totodile was worn out, her mouth hanging open to cool off. As the ground above them turned to grass George furrowed his brow in confusion, and pointed ahead to show Adam and the pokémon what he saw.

“Hey what’s... What’s going on over there?” he panted heavily, pointing to a huge crowd gathered outside the forest.

Sighing at the though of more running work, Adam staggered over to the gasping crowd with George just in front. Intrigued, George pushed and shoved his way through the horrified crowd, and gazed at the object of their attention.

George threw up.


The End Of Chapter 3

Olyon
18th May 2005, 7:59 PM
O wow, i gotta know wht that was! Plz continue with this fic, I was wondering what had happened to it! Not much to comment on really, the overall writing was good.

Plz post the next chap. i rely wanna see what it was.

Elemental Charizam
24th May 2005, 10:21 PM
Okay, Chapter four is finally done! I'm not really happy with it, and it is a bit short, but at least I completed it ;) Before reading, I reccomend you read Tragedy at Ilex - Lost in Time (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=66288) as it contains information that relates heavily to the overall plot, and mildly to this Chapter. Without further babble, here it is.

:snowlax: No, here it is:


Chapter 4: Omens

Before him lay the tattered corpse of a Swellow, its feathers faded into a pallid blue. A huge slash had been torn across the creamy stomach, spattering it with crimson blood. Above the vacant eyes a four-fingered hand mark sparkled an eerie white, emitting a steady glow. The huge crowd looked in disapproval at the morbid scene; many, like George, vomiting at the sight. Adam jogged up behind George, clearly interested in whatever was going on.

“Hey George! What is it?” he asked as soon as he was within talking distance.

“You don’t want to know. Trust me,” replied George weakly.

“Yeah, that really sated my curiosity,” sighed Adam sarcastically, walking over to the crowd and slowly pushing his way through.

By the time he emerged from the crowd several police officers had arrived and were dispersing the group. Adam jogged up to George, having had time to recover some of his energy whilst in the crowd. A paramedic had followed the officers and was conducting a brief vital signs check on the obviously dead Swellow.

“We should probably leave, before this gets even more disgusting,” muttered George, ushering Adam and the two pokémon into the forest with repetitive hand gestures. “It isn’t really the best omen for the start of our journey either, is it?”

“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll encounter many dead Swellows on our path,” scoffed Adam in reply.

They fell into silence as they trudged along the dusty path beneath the canopy, the calming dappled light that broke through erasing thoughts of any Swellows, dead or otherwise. Charmander and Totodile had ignored the event altogether, and were engaged in a repetitive argument about the sea.


*********

Putting the Swellow incident behind them, the gang had traveled far considering it had only been eight hours. The two trainers were deep inside Petalburg woods in a clearing surrounded by thick bushes covered by a large crop of growing Oran berries. These blue berries helped pokémon and humans heal, though they provided only a small meal. The tall trees around them swayed, making rustling noises in the gloom of evening. With the sun veiled behind clouds, the only light came from two electronic lanterns held by Adam and George, and Charmanders bright burning tail.

“I think we better camp here, it’s not like the forest will get any comfier,” sighed Adam, hurling his back on the ground.

“Yeah,” agreed George, putting down his lantern, positioning it so its light would cover the ground he planned to use to put the tent.

With the combined efforts of Adam and George, the tent eventually took shape, a dark green half dome with a small circular entrance. Climbing through, Adam laid out his sleeping bag on the right side of the tent, and placed his lantern to its side, before dragging in his backpack too. George reluctantly took the left side, sighing deeply as he laid out his stuff.

“I’ll just go get some of those Oran berries outside,” Adam called to George, crawling through the tent door.

“Sure, I’ll just stay here,” replied George, pulling out his GBA.

Emerging into the cold clearing, Adam gave a shiver as he held his trembling lantern above his head. Spotting the Oran berries he saw earlier, he walked slowly towards them, careful of any roots encroaching on the clearing. Crouching reluctantly on the damp grass, Adam began the slow task of picking the berries and depositing them in a small brown bag.

“God, these infernal Oran berries are staining my hands blue!” he sighed loudly, turning back to camp with his bag of berries.

Running inside, he dropped the berry pouch neatly into its allotted bag compartment, and pulled the days’ paper out of his bag and wiped his fingers on the back. After they were satisfactory, he flipped it over and scanned the front page for anything interesting. Surprisingly, ‘THE F.U.R TIMES’ had a front page that didn’t blabber about a celebrity sleeping with somebody. Deciding it’d interest George, Adam read the small part he could read aloud.

“Hey George, listen to this! It’s about Celebi,” he called over, before reciting the newspaper, “Celebi Shock at Ilex: On the 23rd of June, hundreds of people gather for Celebi to make her annual appearance. But a huge shock awaits them; Celebi didn’t come. In her place a colossal energy wave strikes the forest, sending the panicking crowds scattered across the forest and scorching closer trees. We talk to professor Esmic about the true meaning of the attack, and why… It ends rather abruptly, huh? It says there’s more on page one through thirty-four though.”

“Crap, yet another bad sign,” moaned George, taking a long look at the huge picture of scorched woodland and furious rioters.

“I think if it were really an omen, it’d be a bit overkill-ish,” sighed Adam, lying down and turning off the light before George could argue.

He turned to watch Totodile and Charmander attempt to make a fire to cheer himself up. Totodile had placed a ring of soaked stones around the pile of kindling, and was waiting impatiently for Charmander to light it, which was a rather amusing sight to behold.

-“Charmander!”- yelled Totodile angrily. -“Stop cracking jokes and light the stupid fire!”-

-“Lighten up Totodile, you get really touchy sometimes. Calm down,”- replied Charmander, chuckling as he used Ember to spark the branches alight.

As the two pokémon walked into their tent, white eyes flickered into life again. Rustling through the bushes, the sinister apparition cackled menacingly as it crept through the forest, malicious thoughts spinning through its head. More weaklings…


*********

Charmander awoke, and stretched his short arms, yawning loudly. Looking around, he saw Totodile, writing something on a pad. Charmander walked over to Totodile, and tapped her shoulder. Spinning around she dropped the notebook, and looked around, seeing Charmander.

-“Oh, it’s just you, I hope you haven’t messed up my diary…”- said Totodile reproachfully.

Charmander gave a gigantic snicker, putting his hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter. Taking deep breathes, he opened his mouth, trying to speak, before collapsing back into laughter.

-“You keep a diary! That isn’t the hyperactive Totodile I hardly know!”- he spluttered –“Since when?”-

-“For your information I just started it, I thought I’d like to have a record of my travels, but it’s obvious you’re too stupid to plan ahead!”- bellowed Totodile, nearly waking up their trainers.

With a snort, Charmander went back to lie down, muttering under his breath about the stupidity of Totodile keeping a diary.


The End Of Chapter 4

Olyon
26th May 2005, 2:14 PM
Well I cant wait to see what happens next, you have a nack for making me do that :p.

Well I only have one complaint:
Early the other day that part from the newspaper seemed very unnoficial. If the newspaper was going to give the news, I think they should've told the actual day of the occurance and not just "the other day", please tell me if I have interpreted it wrong.

I can tel the relationship between Charmander and Totodile will become very amusing as the story progresses and again, I cant wait tro see what happens next :D

Umbrazard
30th May 2005, 2:23 AM
Well, I've decided to return the favor and review yor fic. I guess I'll do my standard chart.

Plot: Usually by four chapters I can get an idea of the plot in a fic but... this is different. I guess for now, because it seems like a basic trainer journey a lil I'll give it an 8/10 (temporarily)
Characters: Umm, a little weak in my opinion we still don't know much about them yeat but like I said usually by 4 chaps that's apparent too. 8/10 (temporary) ALso, why do you call ur Pokemon by their species names? JOoC.
Spelling/Grammar: Um, no offense but this isn't your strength. Don't worry, it's not mine either, your problem is spelling and mine is grammar. I suggest getting a beta. It helped me a lot. 7/10

There was 1 more but I for got it. Ill review like this again when u write more.
so ur score is ;248;.;006; (7.75/10)

Btw, I LOVE this fic, don't let the score fool you, like i said 1 category's missing and two are temporary.
~Umbra;197;

Elemental Charizam
5th June 2005, 4:33 PM
I've been away for a week, so I didn't have time to respond to reviews or revise Chapter five, though that shouldn't take too long. Anyways, thanks Olyon and Umbrazard for reviewing.


that part from the newspaper seemed very unnoficial. If the newspaper was going to give the news, I think they should've told the actual day of the occurance and not just "the other day", please tell me if I have interpreted it wrong.
You're probably right actually, from what I remember from Newspaer writing it should always seem like the event happens in the present... Gah, I'll re-re-re revise that part.


Plot: Usually by four chapters I can get an idea of the plot in a fic but... this is different. I guess for now, because it seems like a basic trainer journey a lil I'll give it an 8/10 (temporarily)
Yeah, the plot doesn't fully emerge for a while, it's just hinted at. I don't want the main 'bad guys' to have operatives so incompitent that they can be beaten by beggining trainers, so it's mainly side-plots for a while. One which is rather funny if I do say so myself...


Characters: Umm, a little weak in my opinion we still don't know much about them yeat but like I said usually by 4 chaps that's apparent too. 8/10 (temporary) ALso, why do you call ur Pokemon by their species names? JOoC.
Are they? I'll admit to not exploring the inner depths of their souls yet, but I thought they were alright for four chapters... Hopefully Chapter five will be better. If you'd read the old version, you'd know that they get names later, on protest of not having any. In the kind of society this is set in, pokémon in the wild have private names, and name themselves when travelling with a trainer too, though the meaning of the name can be quite different.


Spelling/Grammar: Um, no offense but this isn't your strength. Don't worry, it's not mine either, your problem is spelling and mine is grammar. I suggest getting a beta. It helped me a lot. 7/10
I pretty much agree there. I do techinically still have a beta (Chibi), but I don't want to bug her while she's banned.

VERY MILD SPOILERAGE: The next Chapter features a new, rather unusual capture for one of the duo. I'll also add a menu style piece in the first post, though these facts are not in any way related.

HK
16th June 2005, 10:16 PM
Heh, bethca that you thought that I wasn't going to check out your story, eh, EC? Well, HK, and mind you, I'm going to stand by what my sig says. *Bows to the signature* Even though you and me have reviewed each other many times, I'm not going to pull any punches. :p

Also, before I begin, expect a review for that one-shot of yours pretty soon.

Well, yet another re-re-revision. Honestly dude, this is really starting to scare me. I mean, I know I'm doing a revision for my story, but I doubt that I'm going to keep on doing one. o.0 Oh well.

Well, dude, I have to say this about your story, or in this case, writing. To me dude, you have greatly improved on your vocabulary. Maybe I just didn't notice it before, but you have improved on your vaocabulary a helluva lot. So if I say a really negative comment in this review for one reason or another, remember that as a writer, you have matured.

Alright, I do have to pick on a few things, though. First off, and mentioned a few times by other reviewers, your characters. While it is still pretty damn early in the fic, you characters, to me, aren't that interesting. I don't mean any harm when saying that, but they just don't have a personality to keep me interested in. However, this isn't a problem with your Pokemon in the fic as much as your humans. Adam and George just don't really have a defined personality right now. I'm not going to encourage you to force them to have one, but I would like to be able to connect to the characters in some form or another, and I have yet to really feel like I'm able to.

Second, the overall plot. This actually wasn't as much as an issue in the previous revision, odd enough. I think what really brought life to your story were the interludes, as they gave off an ominous feeling, and it gave the story much more than the simple... trainer fic, or journey fic. Bah, I can never remember which one implies which... Now that was confusing. Anyway, while I know that your style is to keep the plot a mystery, I would like it if you were to include the interludes in some way; I really, really did like them.

Anyway, I can't comment on your spelling and grammar, as you know my track record of how I proof-read over my own. :p Your description is a bit lack-luster, despite your vastly improved vocabulary. I do advise you to try to devote more attention to detail, if possible.

Meh, despite my own little squables with the story, I still like it. I was starting to really get interested in it with the previous revision when you got up to Chapter 9, but I won't discuss it since that would belong to spoilers. I do hope that you take some advice into consideration, and I also hope that it helps you out. Well, until my next review or whatever the hell. Later.

Elemental Charizam
16th June 2005, 11:08 PM
Well, yet another re-re-revision. Honestly dude, this is really starting to scare me. I mean, I know I'm doing a revision for my story, but I doubt that I'm going to keep on doing one. o.0 Oh well.
I know what ya mean... the reason I'm taking so long is 'cause these first chapters are kinda boring. And I've revised them before. Twice.


Second, the overall plot. This actually wasn't as much as an issue in the previous revision, odd enough. I think what really brought life to your story were the interludes, as they gave off an ominous feeling, and it gave the story much more than the simple... trainer fic, or journey fic. Bah, I can never remember which one implies which... Now that was confusing. Anyway, while I know that your style is to keep the plot a mystery, I would like it if you were to include the interludes in some way; I really, really did like them.
Don't worry, they are still here, but they contain much more, and happen every 5 chapters. I couldn't abandon them anyways, they're vital to the plot. Without the later ones, stff would be O_O confusing.

Cheers for the review HK, you finally got me to start on Chapter 5, which is going quite well now. 'Till later then :)

Elemental Charizam
18th June 2005, 12:52 PM
I'd actually finished this last night, but because of a brief spot of downtime I couldn't post it. Well, here it is anyway.


~Chapter Five: The Seventh Sin~

Light filtered through the trees on to the young trainers faces, waking them slowly from their slumber. Adam was the first up, groaning slightly as his back protested. Stretching and yawning loudly he woke Charmander up, though George and the indignant Totodile stayed slumbering. Looking around drowsily, Adam searched for the signs of some stream or pool to wash and drink from. Mentally, he corrected himself; it’d probably be more sanitary to take the drink first. He grabbed his small chrome hipflask, and pulled on his trainers.

"Hey Charmander, do you want to come and get some water?" he asked, looking down at the black reptile, who nodded lazily as he warmed himself with his tail flame.

So they set off into the sparse foliage of Petalburg woods, guided by the faint rush of water. Charmander lagged behind however, s******ing lightly as stray thought of Totodile puffing up her chest angrily strafed across his mind. Eventually, he burst out in full hysterics, rolling on the damp mossy floor, trying not to choke on his own tongue.

"Charmander, you do know it’s dangerous to eat strange plants, right?” queried Adam, sighing slightly as this prompted further laughing.

Deciding that Charmander was probably incapable of proper movement, Adam picked him up carefully, passing his flask to his pocket. Rolling his eyes, Adam continued towards the sound of trickling water, stepping carefully through the dew soaked grass. He could tell they were getting closer, as he saw an increasing amount of drooping willow trees around him. Suddenly, his foot caught a snaring root, and he fell flat on his face. Unluckily for Charmander, he was hurled forwards. Right through the veil of catkins, and into the stream.

It wasn’t a particularly large stream; it was only a foot or so deep, and about two meters across. The slow, trickle of water was eclipsed by the thick canopy above, the only light streaming through the gently swaying catkins. All in all, it would have been rather peaceful if it wasn’t for the small, cursing salamander wading to the shore. His tail steamed as he went, though it finally reignited with a whooshing sound as he clambered onto the mossy rocks around him.

-“At least I found the stream,”- said Charmander bitterly, wincing in pain.

“Yep. It’s lucky you didn’t do something silly like churning up the mud at the bottom too,” remarked Adam levelly, carefully filling his bottle upstream from the accident.

-“Still, looking on the bright side, I’ll be more resistant to puny water attacks now,”- laughed Charmander happily, forgetting his sorrows with daydreams of fame and glory.

After a few minutes of walking, the two made their way back to the camp, occasionally getting lost as there were no paths in that area of the woods. Once they did get back however, they saw that George and Totodile had woken up, and had packed the tent and the rest of their stuff up.

“There you are!” yelled George, running up to Adam and tossing his bag at him. “Shall we get going then?”

“Yeah, unless of course Charmander feels the need to dive into another stream,” answered Adam, hoisting his bag high on his shoulder.

So the four set off from their protective glade and onto the well traveled cobblestone path that lead to Rustborough. George admired the landscape as they passed, whilst Adam just trudged on, wondering silently about the Rustborough Gym. This was probably why it was George that spotted the tuft of beige fur nestled comfortably in the treetops. As he examined it further, it became clear to George that it wasn’t fur at all, but a flat pokémon nesting above. He could tell by the long, hooked claws that gripped from the spindly limbs, able to slash effortlessly at passers by. This pokémon did seem quite dozy, now George thought about it; the eyes were surrounded by red rings, like someone with a fatal case of insomnia.

“Adam, come here! I’ve found a Slakoth!” exclaimed George, unable to contain his excitement.

“Yes, if you don’t rush he might zoom off,” sighed Adam sarcastically, trotting casually back to were George had stationed himself.

With a glower at his friend, George climbed the tree, carrying his playful Totodile with him under one of his arms. Seeing the pair, the disgruntled Slakoth gave a half-hearted swipe in their direction, sending Charmander into fits of hysterical laughter at the ‘Pathetic pokémon’ as he called it. Leaping out of George’s arms, Totodile started to dance tetchily around the Slakoth, annoyed at the unprovoked attack.

-“Hey! You can’t just assault me!”-

“Yeah, only we can do that,” agreed a voice from below.

“Water Gun I guess,” said George, ignoring his friend’s commentary.

Complying, Totodile blasted the Slakoth from his perch with a stream of icy cold water. Groaning in annoyance, the sloth tumbled down, hitting the ground in an explosion of dust. Grinning, George tossed a pokéball at the unconscious Slakoth, happy with his success. The ball wobbled slightly in the damp grass, before giving off a loud ‘Ping!’

“Yeah! I caught a Slakoth, I caught a Slakoth, I…” chanted George happily from the tree.

“The question is, why?” asked Adam.

“Your just jealous,” said George haughtily, jumping down from the tree, and crashing into a damp spiky bush.

-“Oh the hilarity!”- spluttered Charmander, grinning manically at Totodile.

After a brief pause, Adam set off, followed by George, Totodile and finally a giggling Charmander. The resumed stroll through Petalburg forest was quite pleasant, the flowers glistening in the early sun, and plump Swellow serenading their passing joyfully. Even the path became better cared for as they neared the city, and the gang even passed grumpy workmen in overalls in the middle of repair work.

Suddenly a harsh scream of pain cut across the birdsong. Instinctively rushing towards the noise they saw a small clearing with two even smaller boys facing off against each other. One of them was the kid they’d seen with his Solrock on the beach, still dressed in his grubby outfit, and the other was a green clad camper with dark messy hair. A small dog pokémon was biting into a screaming Solrock. Her back was covered in dark messy fur, which parted lower down to reveal well muscled grey legs glossy with perspiration. Her head was sleek and pointed, with a small mouth full of sharp yellowing teeth. Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again. Adam remembered seeing similar Poochyena around Petalburg park often, tumbling merrily around in the grass or chasing bugs in the grass.

The young kid from the beach was cursing, yelling orders at Solrock with frantic determination. All this did was confuse Solrock, making it even more vulnerable against the dark type. A small trickle of golden blood was trickling slowly from one of its bite wounds, and Solrock seemed to have trouble levitating too.

That puppy thinks she’s so cool… picking on that lump of rock, I’ll show it how you battle, thought Charmander, stepping between the two pokémon with a happy grin on it’s face.

Shaking his head at Charmander’s heroic behaviour, Adam made the hasty decision that he should probably help out, even if he thought it was a bad idea.


“Charmander, use Ember on her face, if you must,” sighed Adam.

Nodding, Charmander opened his mouth before sending a stream of burning embers at Poochyena’s face. Enraged, the pokémon charged at Charmander, biting his smooth reptilian skin with her sharp row of yellow fangs.

“Now, try and scratch her underbelly,” said Adam, wincing as he saw the pain shoot through Charmander.

Reaching out with his short arm, Charmander scratched the Poochyena’s underbelly again and again, as his foe squealed in pain. After a few scratch attacks the Poochyena fled with her tail between her legs back to a now furious camper. Before anyone else could move he charged over to Adam in a huff.

“You idiots! You can’t stop a pokémon battle in the middle!” he screamed at Adam and Charmander, before turning to the Solrock’s trainer. “You chicken! Can’t even finish a battle! I’d of thought more of you Tom.”

“I can see you’re not a very happy camper,” s******ed Adam.

With a scream of rage, the unhappy camper stormed off, his Poochyena bounding after him, looking ashamed of herself. The other trainer, or Tom, seemed equally angry, returning his Solrock to its ball, and strode furiously from the battleground. But it seemed he couldn’t leave without yelling something either.

“You two have ruined my reputation, my chance of getting into Team Magma! You’ll pay for that! DON’T THINK YOU WON’T PAY!” he roared behind him, stumbling madly through the undergrowth towards the path.

“If this were a novel, I’d be shooting the author for that cliché,” muttered Adam.

Unfortunately, or luckily depending on which way you looked at it, nothing else eventful happened until they reached Rustborough, and by then it was midday. A huge arch rose over the road, printed with the message ‘Welcome to Rustborough’ in huge brown letters. There was a background of a bustling stone village - probably Rustborough a few hundred years ago – behind it, though it had probably been a bit dirtier, considering the only Houenn way of getting rid of rubbish. Rustborough, though now a city was still made mostly of stones and tiles, except of course the humungous Devon headquarters and the famous Tri-stadiums. Large concrete roads ran through the center of Rustborough,* but most of the land was pedestrians only paving, safe for all to roam.

The pair of trainers soon found the red dome of the pokécenter opposite the trainer school. It was larger than the one in Petalburg, and looked more modern too, slightly out of place in a city of stone, though the walls were stone clad up to the dome.

“Well, here we are,” announced George, walking through the automatic doors, yawning widely.

“Yep, better get Charmander healed up,” added Adam.

-“Yeah, and remind me never to do anything nice again,”- muttered Charmander, his spirits finally dampened.

Inside, the pokecénter’s walls were a cheerful orange, and the floor was covered in a spongy dark blue carpet. Wiping their feet on the rug, the pair walked up to the reception desk. The white-clad nurse was busy dealing with a tall, fair-haired girl, so the two leaned against the counter until she finally walked over.

“Hello, I’m nurse Joy. Can I see your injured pokémon?” she asked in a cheery voice.

“Sure,” they said together.

Adam placed Charmander and Totodile on the polished oak desk, whilst George fiddled around until he found Slakoth’s pokéball, and handed it over. The Nurse put the pokéball on a scanner, and examined Totodile and Charmander carefully using a number of strange tools.

“Your pokémon will be fine, please come back in an hour,” said the smiling nurse.

“Thanks,” said Adam, walking out of the pokécenter, stretching as he went.

“Thanks nurse Joy!” called George, following his friend into the outdoors.

After a lengthy discussion, George managed to persuade Adam to follow him to the Devon corporation building until their pokémon were healed, instead of checking out the library, which is what Adam would have preferred doing.


End of Chapter 5

*Like you can see in the anime, there are few roads/cars in the three regions. In Rustboro there’s one giant crossroads with small offshoots, most people use buses and trains.

I'll put up the menu in a minute, as well as the re-worked Chapter 4. See you all later :D

Olyon
18th June 2005, 4:44 PM
A slakoth eh? Very interesting, thats a great idea to do! It will be really interesting finding out how George copes with it in battle, considering its laziness :p

This was a great chapter! I think your description is great and the characters are really developing well (like the happy, jokey attitude of Charmander). I found a couple of mistakes:


Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again.

I'm not sure the "Said" should have been there, if it was, plz help me understand :p

And I noticed you spelt Rustboro as "Rustborough", I think its spelt Rustboro anyway...

Anyway I saw that u spelt Hoenn ans Houenn or some such word and thought that perhaps this spelling is deliberate. If it is, again, plz help me understand and ignore my comments.

Well done for this chap! I found it very enjoyable to read! :D

HK
19th June 2005, 12:03 AM
Whoo... quick update I see, EC. Heh, that rhymed.

Flame: Whoa, you're really impressing my with your rhyming skills. Guess this morning that you forgot to take your pills.

-.- How about... no?

Flame: HK! You're a idiot!

Why?

Flame: "Pills" and "no" don't rhyme, *******!

-.- Anyway... onto the review.

Well, a slight filler chapter, IMO. Just that nothing truly exciting happened in this one. You did improve on showing personalities a lot more though, and this chapter I believe is your longest. No major mistakes that I saw, or perhaps I'm just being lazy. If I were you, I would pray that it is the former.

Description is getting to be a lot better. The Poochyena's description wasn't as good as it could've been, and the same with Slakoth, but your descriptions of Pokemon have certainly improved. The forest seen was funny as well, although I thought that if the flame went out on a Charmander, that said Charmander would die? Meh, bit confused there.

The personalities are coming out like I said, although this one focused a bit more on Adam. You seem to be trying to flesh out his personality, which is good. The Slakoth capture wasn't as important with me since I have read the original, and I knew that George was going to make that addition to his team. Although I do wonder... Are you going to handle Slakoth's evolution the same as you did in the previous version, or is it going to be different?

Another question for ya: Was their trip to the Devon Corporation in the previous version? I'm sorry, my memory is bad at the moment.

Anyway, not exactly an entertaining chapter, but what makes up for it is that the interludes make a return, and you know how much I like your interludes. I do hope that they are longer, although like I've mentioned before, I'm a bit disappointed that you will only have the interludes every five chapters. Oh well, quality over quanitity I guess.

Well, until the next review or whatever the hell. Later.

Elemental Charizam
19th June 2005, 2:30 PM
Description is getting to be a lot better. The Poochyena's description wasn't as good as it could've been, and the same with Slakoth, but your descriptions of Pokemon have certainly improved. The forest seen was funny as well, although I thought that if the flame went out on a Charmander, that said Charmander would die? Meh, bit confused there.
Yeah, his flame wasn't completely out, as heat was still being funnled there. Though it hurts to have the visible flame be put out, it can usually be re-ignited if the Charmander is strong enough.


Are you going to handle Slakoth's evolution the same as you did in the previous version, or is it going to be different?
Yeah, I think I will... I'm toying with a few different ideas at the moment, so nothing is certain.


Another question for ya: Was their trip to the Devon Corporation in the previous version? I'm sorry, my memory is bad at the moment.
Yeah, it was. Not exactly the most important scene ever, but it serves some purpose.



Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again.
I'm not sure the "Said" should have been there, if it was, plz help me understand
Well, as I was talking about the Poochyena before I sais 'Said', it was appropriate as previously I was 'saying' stuff about it.


And I noticed you spelt Rustboro as "Rustborough", I think its spelt Rustboro anyway...
Yeah, it is... I keep forgetting that. I'll edit it out sometime. Thanks for finding the mistake Olyon :D

Well, thanks for reviewing HK and Olyon, I might have the Interlude up tonight... but I might not :p

mindripper
19th June 2005, 7:39 PM
Ok. even though you told me not to say anything to you again, I just thought I would drop by.

I read a portion of your older stuff, and I can see where the lauded improvements come from. Generally, a good job with the story and characters thus far. I know that someone said that your story is not really developed, but I believe that some stories require longer intros, and that you will prob show a few more of your cards sooner rather than later.

Some grammar mistakes, and wrong usage of words, but I can understand what you are trying to put accross, so it's no biggie for me.

Nice use of interludes. Too many people fail to use them, and merely describe television progs (like in your fic) as part of the story, not paying attention to the fact that interludes are usually extremely useful.

The length of chapters is a bi short, but as long as you post fast enough it is ok, because to a new reader like me long walls of text are very intimidating.

Ok, why did Solrock faint from exhaustion? I know that it had prob done some training prior to the battle, but that seems a tad extreme? After all, there is too much contrast with the depiction that Solrock was getting charged up by the sun just moments before its losing of consciousness.

So far, nice job, and good luck with future chappies. Also, please do take a look at my fanfic, linked in my sig, and post a review if possible. I will review again once one or two more chaps are up.

Elemental Charizam
19th June 2005, 9:15 PM
~Interlude 1: Tears of Blood~
The sun shone through the branches of an oak tree, sending dancing patterns of light across a young girl’s face. Her brown hair cascaded over her shoulders, and her bright emerald eyes sparkled in the morning sun. She looked about twelve or thirteen, and wore a black sports jacket and a pair of pale beige trousers. This was her favorite tree in the whole of Terra forest, a beautiful tall white oak, with numerous curved branches that were perfect to lie on. She was perched comfortably, though her hands were racing across the pages of her diary at an alarming pace.

Below her a tiny black haired boy frolicked around the clearing, rolling around in the fallen leaves of Autumn, laughing at their merry crunches. His green pajama like outfit would have camouflaged him from anyone walking on the ground, were it not for the multicolour leaves that carpeted the floor. With a slight sigh at her brother’s antics, the girl put away her diary in her backpack and leapt down from the tree, before walking up to her brother.

“Come on William, or we’ll be late for dinner,” she sighed, holding her hand out to him.

“Okay, m’ comin’ April,” he replied, dropping his leaves and grabbing her hand.

The pair walked steadily across the ancient forest path, William occasionally stopping to hurl crispy leaves in the air with childish enthusiasm. Apart from their muffled footsteps the forest was fairly quiet, the odd string of birdsong ringing out through the peaceful forest. Occasionally a few Zubat would fly by, supersonic squeaks ringing from their mouths as they searched for food. The bright glow of the moon was the only light in the descending dusk; they hadn’t meant to stay so long. As they neared home, April spotted the slow, steady glow of the village.

They didn’t notice at first, but soon April began to realize that it was quieter than it should have been. The Zubat were nowhere to be seen, and the birdsong had long died. Slowly, she brought William to a stop as a patch of silvery clouds flowed over the forest, covering the path in shadow. Despite the lack of wind, she could hear the heavy rustle of leaves coming from the bushes.

“C’mon April, there’s still cake left at the house…” moaned William, tugging at her sleeve.

With a wary glance around her, April allowed herself to be pulled along by her brother, knowing how anxious he was to get back. But when they were barely two feet away, the bushes gave off another rustle of movement. Two red eyes shone out of the dark like murderous flares, and a low guttural growl emitted from an unseen maw. Even William was curious now, and despite his sisters efforts to drag him away, he stayed firmly put.

Like a bullet a black blur shot out of the bushes, leaping high over William, gleaming paws tucked firmly to his tummy. With a gasp, April whirled around to look at the shadowy shape darting away. Two metallic horns erupted from his pointed head, curving backwards with a evil edge. Three silver rivets of armour covered his sleek black body, though they were far too thin to offer real protection. Four thin limbs extended from his lithe body, ending in rounded paws with razor claws protruding. Each ankle was encased in a metal manacle, and his thin tail had a much smaller ringlet, just before the arrow shaped point at the end.

April sighed in relief, they were lucky to have gotten away from that unscathed, she’d read that Houndoom could be very dangerous. But before she could relax, she heard a wailing moan from the floor. Her brother was sprawled on the floor, his face pastry pale. Then she saw it; two sets of paw gashes, one on each eye, seeping blood like crimson tears.

April quelled her instinctual reaction, forcing herself to think. If I stay calm and get him to the hospital, everything will be alright… she reassured herself. Repeating her thoughts to herself, she hoisted her brother across her shoulders and ran as fast as she could for the nearing town.

After what seemed like an eternity, she saw the white hulking shape of the hospital draw near. The glass doors shot open before her, and a concerned Nurse instantly ran up to her, taking William with great concern. She yelled behind her, and before April knew it, her brother was layed out on a bed, with a Doctor dabbing at his eyes with cotton dipped in hot water. Sighing in relief, April collapsed on the plastic chairs of the waiting room, falling quickly to sleep.


*********

Stalactites hung like thin white daggers from the ceiling, touching and bonding with stalagmites to create a jaw like opening to a large chamber. By the door were several translucent Gastly, dark spheres shrouded in swirling purple gas. The menacing ghosts were gliding slowly around the entrance, guarding it. A rusty brown stream gushed from a hole in the ceiling, cutting a small corner of the chamber apart from the rest, before disappearing by the ominous entrance. It fell through a large jagged hole in the pearl white rock, which echoed with the sounds of a waterfall. The stream was overlooked by a large dusty rock jutting out from the furthest wall. Two black-clad monks stood at the tip of the rock, gazing at the body of water. Their faces were masked by large shadowy hoods, giving the cloaks they wore a strange empty look. The front of the smaller cloak turned to the other, the bottom flapping slightly as a draft blew down from the surface.

"We have found our sacrifice. A young boy marked by one of her creatures, ready to undergo the rite," he whispered swiftly.

"Good. Have the Xalo sent to retrieve him. Kill the other townspeople. Leave no survivors," the other replied, before pausing, "And do it properly this time, the last thing we need is him on our backs again."

The smaller monk’s cloak nodded, perhaps a little nervously, before walking past the floating specters, and into the passageway. His footsteps echoed throughout the underground complex in distorted tones, before they were joined by a great many other walking men.


End Of Interlude 1

BTW, thanks for the review mindripper, I dropped around and reviewed T&T at last. Sorry for being mean earlier, but I was having a really bad day and I was expecting a PM from someone else.

mindripper
23rd June 2005, 7:46 PM
Ok. I will be a lot more detailed with this one and will list almost every vocab and word-based mistake in this interlude, since it is pretty short anyway. Here goes.


sending dancing patterns of light across a young girl’s face

The connotation of this sentence portion is kinda incorrect. "Sending patterns of light dancing across a young girl's face" is better. With your version, you denote the patterns of light dancing around in the first place, something that is not very possible.


supersonic squeaks ringing from their mouths as they searched for food

The word "supersonic" means that the Zubats' radar is beyond the audibility level of humans. The word "ringing" then becomes self-contradictory!


Three silver rivets of armour covered his sleek black body

"Rivets of armour" is not really correct, because rivet in this context would mean the metal bolts which are inserted through holes and then hammered to join pieces together.

Ok, there are other grammar mistakes which I left out, because I could get your meanings still even with them around. Description was pretty good, and as I have said, too few people utilise interludes. However, why not have the interlude as part of a chapter instead? That way, you have instant linkage with the story, linking the parts which you want connected together. This way, you run the risk of readers not remembering the interlude as well as you would want them to, and could make the connection less poignant.

Take nothing away from the interlude, even with the mistakes I pointed out. The fact that there is an interlude gives you extra points in the first place. Keep up the good job.

Olyon
25th June 2005, 7:32 PM
Wow, very well done Elemental (can i call you that?). I thought this did very well in terms of description and such and such, I didnt find any mistakes but it wouldnt matter if I did cos Mindripper has already :p

I liked the whole atmosphere of it all and I love how you described William, you really made his childish innocence and childishness as a whole basically shine through really well. In fact you did that so well, I felt devastated when he was attacked and of course chosen for a sacrafice! I hope somethin happens to stop it to be honest :(

Very good interlude and I cant wait to see how this ties in with the story! :D

IceKing
30th June 2005, 11:05 PM
After all the times you reviewed my fic its about time I reviewed yours. I had a NICE list of dislikes in my head...when I read this fic a month ago. Bleh, I forgot most of them so youre going to get a nice wonderful review.


Anyway, I actually really liked this fic. I enjoyed reading it alot, it was not a pain and I didnt have to force myself to stay focused and shoot up some ritalin like I usually have to do with many fics. Im much more interested in the second plot rather than the first plot for now.

I just had to point out that I reread this passage fifteen times, but never understood what was going on!



"Hey Charmander, do you want to come and get some water?" he asked, looking down at the black reptile, who nodded lazily as he warmed himself with his tail flame.

So they set off into the sparse foliage of Petalburg woods, guided by the faint rush of water. Charmander lagged behind however, s******ing lightly as stray thought of Totodile puffing up her chest angrily strafed across his mind. Eventually, he burst out in full hysterics, rolling on the damp mossy floor, trying not to choke on his own tongue.

"Charmander, you do know it’s dangerous to eat strange plants, right?” queried Adam, sighing slightly as this prompted further laughing.


I like the personalities of Charmander and Totodile, always nice to give them individuality rather than making them Pokebots. I wish George and Adam had more defined personalities, but I could tell from the end of the last chapter we'd see more of their internal personalites that make them seperate with the whole library thing.

I like the omens you add in George and Adam's adventure that foreshadow the second plot. Its giving me some ideas for my own fic. I <3 the dead Swellow, that was one nice cliffhanger you had their with George throwing up. The prologue sorta felt corny in my opinion (dont know why) but it was an interesting prologue for a journey fic. Now we know that they both survive for a little while! I rejoyced at the the phrase "her creatures." I also <3 female bad guys.

Bleh, sorry for the sucky review. Note to self, STOP PROCRASTIANTING! I really like this fic and Ill be around for later chapters.

HK
1st July 2005, 1:41 AM
Whoo... how goes it, EC? Well, you dropping a comment on the preview of my rewritten edition of my own fanfic reminded me to check out yours. So, here I am.

Yay, preludes!! *Does an odd dance* Ahem... Anyway, I'm glad that we finally get to the preludes. Like I said, if anything, the ominous atmosphere that these create are as entertaining as the rest of the story. And that is a compliment, man.

Sadly, not much to say as this was somewhat similar to the first interlude in the last edition of your fic. However, I noticed that you changed up the names. I don't remember what they originally were, so I'll leave it at that. Although, you did change the name, right?

Description really set the mood quite well, but personally I wasn't affected as William being attacked by the Houndoom as much as others were. Combination of the fact that there wasn't a real attachment to him, from a reader to a character point of view, and also I have read this before. XP Aside from that, I absolutely loved your description of the Houndoom. It was damn-near perfect, man. Your best description of a Pokemon yet. It definitely gave off the feeling that the Houndoom is an evil, demonic-like being in this instance.

Grammar and vocabulary wasn't much of a problem. Any mistakes will be handled by other reviewers, as I am too lazy to point them out, if there are any.

The monks return. Alright! You left us with some questions as to what they need for the sacrifice, what the sacrifice is for in the first place, and finally who has has been involved and possibly thwarted previous attempts before.

Again, like I have mentioned numerous times, I love the interludes. Those are what really made the story for me the first time that I read this. Good luck on the rest of the revision, and I hope that you keep improving.

Elemental Charizam
1st July 2005, 1:38 PM
Ok, why did Solrock faint from exhaustion? I know that it had prob done some training prior to the battle, but that seems a tad extreme? After all, there is too much contrast with the depiction that Solrock was getting charged up by the sun just moments before its losing of consciousness.
Still haven't exlained this. Basically, Solar beam was a very advanced technique and it took lots of concentration for an inexperienced Solrock to use it, concentration it was hard to muster whilst soaked in water and exhausted, and it fainted from the effort.


The connotation of this sentence portion is kinda incorrect. "Sending patterns of light dancing across a young girl's face" is better. With your version, you denote the patterns of light dancing around in the first place, something that is not very possible.
Well, the light looks like it's dancing all around her because of the movements in the canopy above, and whilst the light isn't really doing this, it looks as if it is, and I wanted it to sound like this happend around her too.


However, why not have the interlude as part of a chapter instead? That way, you have instant linkage with the story, linking the parts which you want connected together. This way, you run the risk of readers not remembering the interlude as well as you would want them to, and could make the connection less poignant.
They aren't really meant to be connected with the main plot yet, they're set two years in the past for those that don't know.

Thanks for the review Mindripper, I'll get fixing those mistakes afte I've finished writing. *Trace elements of pie*


Wow, very well done Elemental (can i call you that?).
Yep, you can if you like.


I liked the whole atmosphere of it all and I love how you described William, you really made his childish innocence and childishness as a whole basically shine through really well. In fact you did that so well, I felt devastated when he was attacked and of course chosen for a sacrafice! I hope somethin happens to stop it to be honest
I'm glad that worked, I felt that people might not connect with him enough to feel sorry for him much... Thanks Olyon :D *Pieness*


After all the times you reviewed my fic its about time I reviewed yours. I had a NICE list of dislikes in my head...when I read this fic a month ago. Bleh, I forgot most of them so youre going to get a nice wonderful review.
XD Lucky me, eh?

As for that passage, Charmander is remembering Totodile's rage about him mocking her diary, and Adam is being sarcastic about him eating magical berries. Glad to have you on board IK! *Gives pi*


Sadly, not much to say as this was somewhat similar to the first interlude in the last edition of your fic. However, I noticed that you changed up the names. I don't remember what they originally were, so I'll leave it at that. Although, you did change the name, right?
Nope :p


Description really set the mood quite well, but personally I wasn't affected as William being attacked by the Houndoom as much as others were. Combination of the fact that there wasn't a real attachment to him, from a reader to a character point of view, and also I have read this before. XP Aside from that, I absolutely loved your description of the Houndoom. It was damn-near perfect, man. Your best description of a Pokemon yet. It definitely gave off the feeling that the Houndoom is an evil, demonic-like being in this instance.
Fwee! I reworked that description a bit to get it right :D Thanks for dropping a review HK *Gives Flame pie*

Below is the new combined Chapter six! Enjoy it or eat your own liver. Maybe not ;)

Elemental Charizam
23rd July 2005, 9:11 PM
~Chapter 6: A Serpent and Cyanide~

The two trainers stood in awe of the humongous glass tower that shot up from the rocky pavement. After a few seconds of exaggerated staring Adam eventually poked George through the door, not wanting to dawdle in the middle of the sidewalk. The Hi-tech theme continued inside, with the floor paved with brilliant white marble and tables made from smooth, gleaming chrome and a smart black surface covering the top. Matching chairs were made of curved chrome tubes, the seat covered in dark, polished leather.

Looking around, George soon spotted the sparkling reception desk, and behind it, a large poster advertising tours of the building. Walking over they both readied their wallets, with extreme reluctance in Adam’s case. Soon, a blonde haired receptionist in her 20’s walked up to them, smiling radiantly.

“Hello!” she chirped. “What can I do for you today?”

“We’d like to go with the next tour group please,” replied George.

“Here you go!” she said, handing them two tickets “The tour starts in two minutes. That’d be 6 páva please!”

They handed over the money quickly as they took they took the tickets, Adam wincing at her high-pitched voice. There was already a large group of tourists gathered at the spot marked ‘Tours-queue here’, so they walked over and got in line. After a few minutes of George humming and general boredom, a short black haired man walked over to the queue, glancing down at his checklist.

“Hello everyone! My name is Bill and I’ll be your guide today. Can I see your tickets please?” asked Bill, examining the tickets.

“Ok, everyone’s here so lets get moving!” he announced, leading the group up curved marble stairs.

The second floor room was filled with gigantic radio transmitters, as they studied the effects of different waveforms on pokémon evolution. One unlucky Rattata had evolved into a small, green skinned Raticate as a result, and was yelling loudly in protest, gnashing anything it saw into pieces. The next floor up was the berry mixing room, full of metallic vats filled with colourful berry juice. On the fourth, they were testing out the new satellite navigators out, testing their signal strength and their resistance to the elements. They were lead onwards and upwards to the last tour floor, which contained a huge battle arena and benches full of experimental TM’s ready to be tested. Before they got in the waiting lift, their guide turned around to face them, rubbing his hands together happily.

“Well folks, this is the end of the tour. Does anyone have any questions?” he asked, looking around briefly.

A green sleeve shot up, and started waving it’s hand like a trophy. The guide ignored it, and turned briskly around, leading them into one of the shiny elevators. The lift took them back down to the ground floor, right next to the gift shop. As they walked towards the entrance, they saw the owner of the green sleeve pull Bill hastily aside, conducting a hushed argument with surprising vigor. Though George wanted to go and find out what the deal was, he was pushed through the doorway by an impatient Adam.

The shop was one of the few carpeted rooms in the entire building, presumably to give off a cozy vibe. Said carpet was a dark royal red and the walls were white with elegant gold leaf patterns, which made the room look deceptively expensive. Rich wooden shelves lined the delicate walls, covered in bottles of various potions.

After looking around for a while Adam decided upon a platinum pokédex skin and several of the new Oran berry based potions, complaining about the outrageous prices of gift shops everywhere. More enthusiastic, George himself immediately chose a blue saténav and a blue pokédex skin. After paying for their rather expensive stuff the two walked out onto the earthy streets of Rustboro.

“Well, that was a good waste of an hour or so,” said Adam, looking at his watch. “Shall we go get our pokémon then?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to have my first Gym battle!” replied George excitedly.



*********

“Here are your pokémon, as good as new!” exclaimed the Nurse as she handed the two their three pokéballs.

“Thanks, I think,” said Adam, taking Charmander’s ball and pressing the circular button.

-“I’m back baby!”- announced Charmander happily.

“Thanks nurse Joy!” exclaimed George, clipping his pokéballs onto his belt.

He released Totodile in a flash of bright light, smiling as she burst out dancing from foot to foot, almost as enthusiastic as him about the upcoming battle. The four left in high spirits, ready for the upcoming battle.



*********

“Look, I’m sorry but Roxanne is already facing a challenger!” sighed one of Roxanne’s assistants. “You can go wait in the stands if you like.”

“…..Fine,” conceded Adam, walking past her and into the arena itself.

The Gym wasn’t exactly the most glamorous in Houenn, faced with nothing but plain rock and small automatic doors at the front. It wasn’t very different inside either, earthy floor covered the battling arena, and the stands were just stone steps. The only tiled places were the reception rooms and the offices to the back, though not one of the gang knew this. Adam, George and their pokémon sat on the stony steps, glancing around at the scattering of other onlookers in the stands, before turning to see the current battle unfold.

On one side a fairly old teenage girl stood elegantly in a white t-shirt and a pair of immaculate denim jeans. Her mahogany hair cascaded beautifully down past her shoulders, veiling her face from all sides. On the other side was a young adult with bright pink hair tied back in neat pigtails. She wore a gray tracksuit top and a long gray skirt that came down to her knees. Adam recognized her as being Roxanne, the Gym leader of Rustboro city.

On the brown-haired girl’s side a light-blue serpent turned magnificently in the air, floating with draconic grace. Her head was rounded softly, with two tiny white wings protruding from the back of her skull, twitching as she soared through the air. On the other side a ball of seemingly solid rock bobbed up and down in the air, a frown plastered on his stone face. Two huge rocky arms hung at his side, sculpted muscles tensing in anticipation.

“Try again Geodude, Rock Throw!” yelled Roxanne across the arena.

“Dratini, Ice Beam them down,” replied the girl coolly.

Concentrating, Geodude slammed into the ground with his hard hands, causing huge chunks of earth to explode upwards and towards the Dratini. As they approached, she shot a brilliant beam of light blue energy at them, which covered them in a rough pattern of ice on contact. With the added weight they fell down quickly, shattering on the earthy field.

“Ice Beam again,” commanded the brown haired girl before Roxanne could name another move.

Another blue beam shot out, shining brightly as sun passed through it, illuminating the frozen shards of air moisture that it carried within. Geodude was distracted by the brilliant patterns of light, and didn’t even notice the cause heading towards itself. Suddenly, he felt the stinging cold blasting through him as the ice crystallized on his rocky carapace. With a weak cry, the Geodude collapsed heavily on the arena floor.

“Well done, but let’s see how you face up to Nosepass!” shouted Roxanne, hurling a pokéball onto the ground.

As the flash died away, a gigantic stone head loomed menacingly out of the dusty air, snorting at his opponent through a huge bronze nose. Unsurprisingly, it gave off a huge brassy sound that echoed through the gym, like hearing a trumpet through a megaphone. As if further deriding his opponent, the Nosepass shook the flat rock flaps by his side slowly, waving Dratini bye-bye.

“Nosepass, Rockslide!” yelled Roxanne.

“Dodge with Extremespeed, then use Water Gun,” countered the girl.

Nosepass ripped chunks of the earth floor up in the air with a flap of his rocky wings, hurling them at his foe in a constant barrage of rock. Before they could hit, Dratini darted away in a blue and white blur, vanishing from the field. As Nosepass looked around angrily, Dratini arrived behind it, spraying a jet of foamy water across his back. Shrieking in rage hew pivoted to face the serpent, who blasted him again with another blast of ice-cold water.

“Finish it with Ice Beam,” called out her trainer.

Dratini obeyed instantly, illuminating the building with another glowing blast of light that froze in an icy sheet as it hit the drenched Nosepass. After a few seconds of this, Nosepass fell back in a huge explosion of noise, dust, and ice shards. Returning her fainted pokémon instantly, Roxanne walked over to her opponent, smiling brightly.

“That was great April! Here, take this badge and TM Rock Tomb, you’ve earned them!” she said happily, handing a chip like device and a golden badge.

April shook her hand and thanked her for the battle, before walking out of the gym, Dratini slithering through the air behind in a joyful, carefree way.

“That was a pretty cool battle, huh?” asked George, back up in the stands.

Adam raised an eyebrow slightly, though in reality he too had been impressed by the battling of Dratini, who had felled two opponents in a matter of minutes. Deciding that it might be better to watch another battle before he tried, Adam motioned for George to go first. George smiled as he walked down the stands, excited to be the first of the two to beat Roxanne… Well, that’s what he thought anyway.

“Welcome to Rustboro Gym!” shouted Roxanne, her voice booming through the cavernous gym, focused at the descending figure of George.

“Thanks! I’m here to challenge you for a battle,” George blurted out before thinking. “Do you need to heal your pokémon first?”

“Don’t worry, I have another two, assuming this is your first time through a league?” she asked, putting the pokéballs containing her fainted pokémon on a glowing silvery tray.

“Yeah! If there’s nothing else… let’s battle!” yelled George excitedly, his feelings mirrored by an ecstatic Totodile.

“More super effective attacks, huh?” called out Roxanne, eyeing Totodile with a sigh.

As the ball burst open, a gargantuan rock-snake exploded onto the field, his rugged body grinding together as he moved. He waved the dark horn hat protruded from his forehead like a sword, its razor edge chinked and nicked from training. Unlike the rest of his rounded body, the head was clean cut, his rock hard skull set in a permanent frown. He glanced briefly at the bounding Totodile dancing around him, rolling his eyes hypnotically.

“Don’t let him intimidate you Totodile, Bite him and strike close range with Water Gun!” yelled George, his voice faltering slightly.

With a merry gurgle of acknowledgement, Totodile leapt forth head first, clamping her maw around a section of the Onix’s rocky body. As her milky teeth held her close, she shot a pressurized stream of water spraying from the corners of her mouth, making the Onix groan in pain.

“Rock throw!” Roxanne commanded quickly.

Onix coiled his tail around some of the dusty boulders littered around the arena, then hurled them at Totodile. Totodile dislodged her grip and danced away frantically as the rocky barrage neared, chattering her milky teeth in fright.

“Er…dodge?” suggested George, dumbfounded.

Totodile was still panicking, and only narrowly missed the last boulder as she skipped away. Rocky shrapnel scuffed her scaly skin as she fled, much to her distress. Her golden eyes flashed defiance at the great beast even in retreat, ready to counter-attack at any time.

“Water Gun him again!” cried George, frowning at the behemoth of rock.


*********

“That’s strategy that is,” Adam told Charmander, nodding sagely.

Charmander raised his eyebrows, or the skin where they’d be if Charmanders had eyebrows in any case.

-“Looks like dear old Toto’s in danger,”_he replied, grinning at the joke.

“I dunno, surprisingly it seems to be working,” observed Adam, seeing a panicking Totodile squirt Onix with another stream of water.


*********

“Dodge!” yelled George desperately.

Totodile did a back-flip, her surprisingly lithe body bending around in mid air with great alacrity, landing safely past the projectile rocks. Gurgling, she squirted another jet of water at the Onix, an evil grin at the corners of her mouth as he reared away, sweat dripping down his rocky carapace. Her nerves had settled a bit now, replaced by thoughts of rage and revenge; it’d pay for underestimating her.

“And again Totodile, aim for its eyes!” called out George with increased conviction.

“Rock Tomb her quick Onix!” commanded Roxanne.

As Totodile summoned water to her mouth, four huge rocks erupted from the floor. They collided together, squeezing Totodiles tummy as they lifted her off the ground and high in their vice like grip. Due to the extra pressure, the water short out of her mouth in a single bullet of water that collided with her foes eye in an explosion that drenched his entire body. With a roar of agony, Onix fell to the ground, causing a huge tremor throughout the Gym. The rocks binding Totodile sank back into the floor, releasing her from their grasp. She ran around the arena joyously, happy to be free from the grip of the rocks.

-“Who’s laughing now, Charmander?” she yelled victoriously.


*********

-“That doesn’t even make sense!”- exclaimed Charmander.

“She might be delirious from that Rock tomb,” suggested Adam.

-“Maybe she’s drunk on power?”- speculated Charmander.

“Maybe she’s drunk?” offered Adam.

-“Maybe,”- laughed Charmander.

-“I can hear you two, so shut up!”- yelled Totodile huffily.

“How can I refuse a demand like that?” mocked Adam.


*********

“Great battle, but we’ll see how you fare against Geodude!” called out Roxanne, releasing a second pokémon.

Out popped another Geodude, though he was darker, and he seemed to be older too. He glowered menacingly at the celebrating Totodile while smashing his rocky fists together in anticipation.

“Mega Punch!” commanded Roxanne.

“Water G-”

Before he could finish, he saw Geodude speed towards Totodile, hurling her sky high with a gigantic punch from a bronze-glowing fist. Wordlessly he recalled her, glowering at the smirking Geodude. Sighing, he sent out Slakoth, though he didn’t really stand a chance against their rocky opponent. Sure enough, the sloth erupted from the ball, scratching his head with a confused expression. He yawned loudly and shot the Geodude a look that said, despite all evidence to the contrary, that he was below him.

“Lets finish this quick Geodude, Rock Throw!” called out Roxanne.

“Dodge?” asked George hopelessly.

Slakoth gradually picked himself up, walking slowly away in a relaxed manner. Before he’d even got started, he was knocked over by a huge volley of boulders from the other side of the field. Glowering venomously at Geodude, he got up, and kept walking along towards him.

“Slash!” commanded George desperately.

“Rock Throw again Geodude!” Roxanne called out again.

Slakoth ignored him and kept walking before being hit by another rocky barrage. Snarling indignantly, he changed direction, moving a little faster, this time in Geodude's direction. Yet another volley of rocks hit him, burying the sloth in a large group of rocks.

“Well, it looks like I win this time. Try again when—” started Roxanne before being cut off by a huge crash.

The simian creature had tossed the boulders off himself in a single upwards stroke, sending them crashing across the arena. He continued towards the Geodude with slow determination, like a glacier rolling across the landscape. Another barrage was knocked away with ease, and it was clear Roxanne was worried.

“Magnitude!”

Suddenly, the loud crash of rocks ceased, and the arena descended into a ominous silence. Slakoth’s claws scrabbled across the floor, carrying him towards the dormant statue of Geodude. As George watched, he felt his soles vibrating gently, followed by a low rumbling sound draining into hearing; an ignored background noise calling for immediate attention. Soon, the whole gym shook with the violent vibrations, shelved stones screaming downwards like meteors. And then-

BANG!


*********

Two young trainers walked sullenly down the dreary streets as if on death row, making a beeline for the pokécenter. On closer inspection, one would find that the one to the left, named George, was easily the most sad of the two. On closer inspection by a suspicious mind, one might say that the second, Adam, was only pretending to be sad so as not to trigger further sulking and possibly a mild case of GBH. Adam didn’t need to keep faking depression for long however, as the deep, soothing aroma of freshly cooked food was floating towards them, carrying waves of cheer that perked up his friend considerably. Wordlessly, they sidled up to the Nurse on the desk, who was currently dealing with a screaming man and what looked like a turnip; albeit one with large, curved leaves and stumpy legs. When the hysterical man had left and the plant was stashed safely away, George got a room for them both on the third floor. They both walked up, still muffed in a blanket of stuffy silence.

“Oh well, I guess losing isn’t that bad,” conceded George at last, more to break the silence than anything else.

“Yeah, you can’t go around expecting to win everything, can you?” snorted Adam, seizing the opportunity to cheer George up in his own special way.

“Right. Me and Totodile just need to train a bit, and we’re bound to win!” exclaimed George.

“That’s the spirit.”

“Yeah! You better train too Adam, no use in rushing into these things like a fool,” advised George happily.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Alright Rustboro, here I come!” yelled George, now full of vigour, and in Adam’s opinion, hypocrisy.


The End Of Chapter 6

Sike Saner
25th July 2005, 1:58 AM
Hello.

In the past, I've not been one who would typically check out journey fics, but I have recently decided to try and open my mind a little bit where such stories are concerned, beginning with this one. So far, I find myself quite enjoying this - there's something to be said for broadening one's horizons, indeed. :D

A couple of highlights:


They walked for a long time, chatting about their starters, how humans were ‘dim in the brain’, and how Charmander could use ‘a drop of tact and a big bottle of shut up’.

Terrific, and hilarious to boot. One of the major high points of this story is the personalities of the Pokémon - they're actually characters. Thank you for not portraying the Pokémon as mere tools, as possessions belonging to the trainers and nothing more.



“You two have ruined my reputation, my chance of getting into Team Magma! You’ll pay for that! DON’T THINK YOU WON’T PAY!” he roared behind him, stumbling madly through the undergrowth towards the path.

“If this were a novel, I’d be shooting the author for that cliché,” muttered Adam.

That put a smile on my face. Good show.


Loved the interlude! I caught a little taste of the occult there...most unexpected and intriguing. Something else I particularly liked was the description of Nosepass - particularly the sound he made. Eh, I have a soft spot for Nosepass, what can I say? So, yes, that was nice. Of course, the description of the other Pokémon was good, too.

Overall, I am glad I decided to pay this story some mind. Keep up the good work!

Chronicles Death
25th July 2005, 4:55 AM
Nice fic. I like the story really good! Uh.......um....What else? Oh yah, you have a few grammar mistakes here and there, nothing major, and ITS A LITTLE BIT TOO SHORT!!!! WAAAAHHH!!! heheheh....sorry.

Mudz: Take your medicine...

0_0o Uh, gotta go. C.W.F.M. (can't wait for more) *hold on Mudz, you and Rogue can give me the shot later right? Guess not.OW!!!!*

Olyon
6th August 2005, 3:05 AM
Thought I'd missed a chapter when you'd said you were on chapter seven ^^;

Well I didnt find any mistakes this time, I enjoyed the battle between the Dratini and both of Roxannes Pokemon; I love how described how it flew around...dont know why but I just did ^^;
Yeah good job and hurry with that next chapter, I gotta nominate someone!

Elemental Charizam
14th August 2005, 9:49 PM
Yey, reviews! Thanks Olyon, Sike and The Rogue Trainer, I took your advice and hopefully this chapter is better for it. I really appreciate the help ^_^


Loved the interlude! I caught a little taste of the occult there...most unexpected and intriguing. Something else I particularly liked was the description of Nosepass - particularly the sound he made. Eh, I have a soft spot for Nosepass, what can I say? So, yes, that was nice. Of course, the description of the other Pokémon was good, too.
Glad my fic didn't send you running and screaming away from the genre :D As for the Nosepass, I thought you might from reading TOoS, though mine didn't blow up. Yet ;) Anyways, thanks for the great review, you actually got me to get rid of my writers block thing.


Yeah good job and hurry with that next chapter, I gotta nominate someone!
Thanks for the nomination-to-be Olyon! Okay, now I'll nominate you...


~Chapter Seven: A Stones Throw~
Early next morning, the two scrambled out of the pokécenter in their old traveling clothes; there was no point in changing as the training regime would surely get them all covered in grime. The two trainers were followed out by Charmander and Totodile, who looked refreshed after a long night’s rest. As planned, they made their way through to the other side of Rustboro to battle the different pokémon that dwelled there. However, crossing the city proved harder than it sounded, for they had to cross one of the huge road branches full of heavy traffic, walk through several miles of bustling citizens, and to top it off, figure out how to get out of the walled city. By the end, Totodile had turned into an irritable, snappish companion, in no mood for training.

“Look Totodile, think of it this way, do you want to beat those Rock pokémon or fail and have Charmander laugh at you for ages? Besides, you said you wanted to train before,” pleaded George, crouched painfully on one knee to converse with the tiny crocodile.

-“Fine,”- she replied at last, condensing all her sulking into a single word.

George glanced over at Adam, who was helping Charmander practice his Ember technique against a number of natural targets, as well as several clay Pidgey carefully thrown before the lizard. George was at a loss as to what he might do to train Totodile, drawing his foot across the earth aimlessly as he thought, trying eagerly to come up with something. Totodile was not in the mood to wait, and soon thought up her own training regime. Taking in a deep breath, she summoned water into her mouth, building it up until there was a considerable amount dammed in her small maw. With a malevolent gargle, she released the pressurized Water Gun on George’s face, knocking him backwards.

“Why did you do that?” spluttered George, wiping his face as dry as he could.

-“You’re the one that persuaded me to train!”- she cackled in reply.

Before George could argue, another stream of icy water connected, this time in his midriff, though he was able to keep his footing this time. Before another attack could be charged, George dived behind a bush, mentally cursing the sparse forestry of the area. Glancing through the maze of branches and leaves, he saw a blue blur move towards him, a sure sign of Totodile activity. Cursing, George darted across open territory, only just dodging a blast of water from the pursuing pokémon.


*********

After over an hour of this frantic chasing, the pair lay leaning against one of the few trees in the area, panting heavily despite the shade. Eventually, Charmander and his trainer joined the two, tired out from the morning’s training.

“How about we go and get something to eat, then come back in the afternoon?” asked Adam after regaining his breath.

“Sounds good to me. Just so long as Toto here doesn’t try and drown me next time,” sighed George.

Totodile grudgingly agreed, and so the gang set off to eat at a nearby Pizza King, returning for several more hours in the afternoon. The four spent almost a week in this fashion, though George didn’t get anywhere trying to train Slakoth, who simply threw him scornful looks and ‘hung around’, literally. Still, by this time, they were all confident in their ability to beat Roxanne, and so early on the 10th of July, the four walked through into the Rustboro Gym and up to the same old secretary.

“Hello again. Is the leader battling again, or may we go in?” inquired Adam.

“As a matter of fact, you may. However, only one trainer may challenge Roxanne at once,” she replied, gesturing to the open doors.

“Thanks,” said George.

The group walked through the two large doors and into the stony gym for the second time, Adam heading up to the stands, leaving George and Totodile to challenge Roxanne. The two ambled forwards to the challenger area, soon catching Roxanne’s attention.

“Hello again, I thought I’d see you here again. So, I assume you’re here for a battle?” asked Roxanne, receiving a nod of confirmation from George. “In that case, do you mind if we fight two-on-two this time? I need to work on my technique, and it should make things more interesting.”

“Yeah…” murmured George, thinking of Slakoth’s slacking off. “Ok.”

Totodile leaped instantly to the front, her small azure feet tapping a merry jig across the stone floor, eager for revenge. She was soon joined by the drowsy form of Slakoth, his light pink stomach pressed firmly against the earthy floor. Slowly, he lifted himself up onto two pristine paws, casting a look of distain at the dusty arena, and then at George. Nevertheless, he looked to be in battle position, just as the merry Totodile.

Casting his eye across the stadium, George saw that the two opposing pokémon had also been sent out. Unsurprisingly, the first was the monolithic Nosepass, assuming position on the right side of the arena. His second opponent was a muscular Geodude, flexing his muscles in a blatant attempt to psyche the challengers. A deafening hoot of Nosepass’s nose rang through the gym, signaling the start of the match.

“Both of you, Rock Throw at Totodile!” ordered Roxanne swiftly.

“Power up a pressurized Water Gun, and unleash it on Geodude. Slakoth, try and stop Nosepass with a Yawn,” commanded George.

On Roxanne’s side of the field, huge chunks of the arena flew upwards, surrounding the two rock pokémon in a shield of floating stone. While Totodile was still charging her high-pressure attack, the two let fly their attacks simultaneously, sending a cloud of dust and rock towards the crocodile. As the attacks closed, more and more of the flying rocks collided together, shattering into sharp shrapnel and dropping heavily from the projectile in huge clumps of earth. Only a few whirled onwards towards their target, who dodged each despite the fact her mouth was bulging with compressed water. It was at this time that Slakoth finally decided that despite the fact his trainer had ordered it, a Yawn might actually do the trick, and so he opened his mouth wide, letting out a long, drawn out yawn pass his lips. Even Totodile, as she climbed one of the makeshift pillars, felt slightly drowsy. Shaking it off, she locked on to her target, and unleashed a huge wave of frothy white water that zoomed towards Geodude at an incredible speed.

Roxanne had seen this coming however, and was ready. “Smash into the floor with your fists and try and hold on!” she commanded, turning to Nosepass for assistance. “Quick Nosepass, let off a Zap Canon attack at that Totodile!”

Just as his fists hit the ground, the water struck, a river of pent up fury blasting him backwards, tearing his knuckles slowly across the floor. Nosepass roared in rage, his nose humming and sparking as the electric energy built up, causing his entire face to glow. With a great grinding sound, he turned to face the Totodile, releasing a huge blast of electricity in her direction. Shooting forwards like a celestial beacon, it glanced past the concentrating reptile, smashing against the stone walls with a deafening crackle. Though the attack missed, it had distracted Totodile, stopping her Water Gun and making her slip off her rocky perch. She caught herself mid-fall, struggling up with her small limbs clutched tight to the weathered stone.

Meanwhile, the beige form of Slakoth crawled towards his drowsy foes with a slow, unmovable malevolence. He could hear his human shout orders from behind him, though he was unconcerned with the little twerp. At least his partner wasn’t totally useless; he heard a rush of water overhead, and when he glanced over the smaller of his enemies seemed to have been knocked out. Though the sloth would have liked to be the one to knock him out, he had other Magikarp to roast; though their second opponent was uttering a series of brassy snores from his great nose, he wasn’t down for the count yet. The simian beast rose in a mushroom cloud of dust, landing a series of crippling blows against the Nosepass’s rocky carapace that echoed throughout the room. A final punch caught the huge magnetic snout like a hammer to the bell; its solemn ring vibrating through the cavernous stadium.

“Yes!” exclaimed an ecstatic George, punching the air in victory.

“Tch, I lose again. Here, catch,” called Roxanne, tossing one of her golden badges across the room, accompanied by an odd looking chip. “There’s the dynamo badge, and the TM Rock Tomb.

As George and Totodile celebrated his victory, Adam walked down the stone stands and onto the ground below, prodding George off the field and onto the sidelines. He turned to face Roxanne, Charmander jumping into what he probably thought was a ‘cool’ battle pose.

“Another challenger? Ok, but I’m afraid I only have one healthy gym pokémon at the moment, so it’ll have to be a one on one match,” sighed Roxanne.

“I guess I’ll have to limit myself to one from my great army of pokémon,” said Adam, winking at Charmander.

With a flick of a wrist, the young gym leader sent a pokéball spinning onto the ground, releasing another Geodude in a blast of white light. Though he looked slightly timid and weaker than the other Geodude, he was still strong enough to take on a Fire type. In fact, the small Charmander was enough to give the Geodude a quiet grin of confidence, though it came far short to the macho show boding before the previous match. Charmander merely raised a tiny thumb and gave a smirk of amusement.

“Start it out with an Ember,” said Adam thoughtfully.

“Mega Punch!” countered Roxanne.

Nodding lightly, Charmander took in a deep breath of oxygen, puffing out his small chest considerably. His tiny maw opened wide, sending a beam of screaming embers towards the speeding Geodude. With a slight whimpering growl, the rocky pokémon thrust his glowing fist forwards, scything neatly through the scattered flames. The few that did strike ricocheted off his skin leaving only slight sooty marks. Finally, he swung his bronze fist towards the black lizard like a weighted pendulum, smashing into the lizard’s gut. Snorting loudly as the wind was knocked out of him, Charmander was hurled upwards into a tidy arc, his body sprawling untidily as he hit the floor.

“Smokescreen it Charmander!”

“Use your Mud Sport Geodude!”

The Rock type pokémon obeyed at once, spinning in midair he became a brownish blur, building up speed before slamming downwards in a fountain of mud. Geodude was now covered in the insulating liquid, and Charmander’s fire attacks would be even less effective now. It did nothing to stop the wall of dark smog engulf Geodude however, and for now the muscular pokémon was left blinded. The young dragon’s ruby red eyes were designed to see through smoke, and although his vision was hampered, he could see his baffled foe well enough.

“Jump up on Geodude and pound him with Metal Claw!” ordered Adam.

“Dodge with Tackle!”

In a smooth back flip, Charmander hurled himself high into the smoky air above his foe, who was shunting around desperately to avoid being hit. In an impressive display of alacrity, Charmander twisted his scaly body around, landing on the erratic Geodude lightly. Gripping on to the shaking pokémon beneath with one paw and raising the other high above, Charmander forced a wave of Steel energy into his pearly claws, bringing them down on the Geodude’s hard armour. The stone being screamed as the hard claws raked down him painfully, drawing a slow stream of blood like tar. With a final shake of fury, Geodude managed to shake off the unwanted passenger before collapsing in a cold sweat on the earthy floor of Rustboro gym.

“Oh hell…” cursed Roxanne under her breath, before tossing over a TM Rock Tomb and Dynamo badge in Adam’s direction. “Congratulations for beating me, it seems to be a trend lately. Have fun with the Dynamo badge and TM.”

“Thanks,” replied Adam as he caught them both, stashing them in his two cases.

“We better go then,” laughed George, strolling through the exit with Totodile.

“You don’t say?”


*********

Back at the pokécenter room, Adam and George were busying themselves by packing up all the stuff of theirs that had been scattered in their week-long stay. Charmander was sat down on Adam’s bed, reading one of Adam’s training magazines with apparent interest. Totodile was listening to George’s earphones and dancing a merry jig, which was a great hindrance to the packing effort.

-“So, where to next?”- questioned Charmander, still reading.

“We’re going to loop back to Petalburg first, then take a ferry to Dewford to challenge Brawly,” George informed him.

“What is it with the TGC and the names of the people they let run the gyms. Wattson, Brawly, even Norman sounds a bit suspicious to me,” sighed Adam, zipping up his pack.

-“Nice tangent guv’nor. Back on topic, you know I was thinking that maybe once we’ve got a few badges under our belts it might be best to cut from the crowd; take a different route through the gyms than others,”- said Charmander.

“I guess we’ll just wait and see,” responded George, laying down on his hard hotel bed.

-“Goodnight then!”- yelled Totodile, smashing the light switch and plunging the room into darkness.


The End Of Chapter 7

Thanks to:
Me: For writing it
You: For reading it
Chibi Pika: For beta-age of deum!

Sike Saner
15th August 2005, 12:56 AM
Highlights
The following passages earned especially big smiles.


It was at this time that Slakoth finally decided that despite the fact his trainer had ordered it, a Yawn might actually do the trick, and so he opened his mouth wide, letting out a long, drawn out yawn pass his lips.


Though the sloth would have liked to be the one to knock him out, he had other Magikarp to roast; though their second opponent was uttering a series of brassy snores from his great nose, he wasn’t down for the count yet.

Heh heh...yeah, you'd better believe Nosepass snores! XD A very amusing bit of mental cinema you've inspired there...Good ol' Nosepass...And good ol' you... :D


“Oh hell…” cursed Roxanne under her breath, before tossing over a TM Rock Tomb and Dynamo badge in Adam’s direction. “Congratulations for beating me, it seems to be a trend lately. Have fun with the Dynamo badge and TM.”


“What is it with the TGC and the names of the people they let run the gyms. Wattson, Brawly, even Norman sounds a bit suspicious to me,” sighed Adam, zipping up his pack.

Anyway, that was a satisfying chapter - not only do we get more nosey goodness *chuckles uncontrollably for several seconds* , we also get TWO Gym matches. By the way, I was listening to 311 while reading those battles; that was fun. Eh, for whatever reason, when I think Nosepass...I think 311...I'm not quite sure why, myself. Anyway, the point is that that was quite fun.

Another thing worth mentioning is that that Slakoth is steadily becoming very easy to like as a character - for that matter, so is that Totodile. You know I like to see good Pokémon characters, and now it has come to the point where those are the only kind of Pokémon characters I've come to expect from you. Most delightful. I'll be here for the next chapter, that much is certain. :D

jirachiman876
15th August 2005, 1:18 AM
THis fic was recommended to me by IceKing and I'm actually glad he did. I actually like this. It's pretty good. Well written especailly the interlude. That was what really sparked my interest to keep reading. This is like most journey fics except with a shiny Charmander, which I do like. I've always wanted to put one of those in my fics. I found many mistakes innthe 8 chapters counting the interlude. BUt I only point them out when the next chapter after my first review comes out. Well, I like it and hope to read more.
One thing about the interlude. I have a prediction. Since I have not read this before I have no idea hwat happens so I shall predict something with the interlude. Okie that was total rambling. Anyway, I think that April is the totodile since April writes in her diary, and Charmander in William since he got his eyes gouged out and this gouging changed him into a special Charmander and turned his sister into a Totodile. But that's just a theory. Ya it's a theory not a prediction. *thwacks self*
jirachiman out ;385;

Tetra Seleno
15th August 2005, 1:31 AM
Like so many others, I adore the personalities of Charmander, Slakoth, and Totodile. They're all endearing in their own ways, and it's just awesome.

The battles are also particularly fun to read. Hehe, these are definitely your strong suits, aren't they? Pokémon and battles? Certainly seems like it to me.

My brain is absolutely fried right now ( x.x;; ) so I can't think of anything constructive to say. Hopefully I will by your next update!

Elemental Charizam
16th August 2005, 12:12 PM
Heh heh...yeah, you'd better believe Nosepass snores! XD A very amusing bit of mental cinema you've inspired there...Good ol' Nosepass...And good ol' you... :D
I thought you'd like that bit :D That was a bit of Karo inspired writing there, a bit like how I imagined his slumber.


Anyway, that was a satisfying chapter - not only do we get more nosey goodness *chuckles uncontrollably for several seconds* , we also get TWO Gym matches. By the way, I was listening to 311 while reading those battles; that was fun. Eh, for whatever reason, when I think Nosepass...I think 311...I'm not quite sure why, myself. Anyway, the point is that that was quite fun.
Whew, I thought two battles might be a bit much for one chapter - good that it wasn't too much. Sadly, there isn't much Nosepass for a while, though he does appear at somepoint in Dewford *Runs from mild spoiler*


Like so many others, I adore the personalities of Charmander, Slakoth, and Totodile. They're all endearing in their own ways, and it's just awesome.

Another thing worth mentioning is that that Slakoth is steadily becoming very easy to like as a character - for that matter, so is that Totodile. You know I like to see good Pokémon characters, and now it has come to the point where those are the only kind of Pokémon characters I've come to expect from you. Most delightful. I'll be here for the next chapter, that much is certain.
I'm truly glad this is true - one of the major criticisms of the last one were my characters were too weak in the first few chapters. Hooray for improvement, and hooray for helpful reviewers :D


THis fic was recommended to me by IceKing and I'm actually glad he did. I actually like this. It's pretty good. Well written especailly the interlude. That was what really sparked my interest to keep reading. This is like most journey fics except with a shiny Charmander, which I do like. I've always wanted to put one of those in my fics. I found many mistakes innthe 8 chapters counting the interlude. BUt I only point them out when the next chapter after my first review comes out. Well, I like it and hope to read more.
One thing about the interlude. I have a prediction. Since I have not read this before I have no idea hwat happens so I shall predict something with the interlude. Okie that was total rambling. Anyway, I think that April is the totodile since April writes in her diary, and Charmander in William since he got his eyes gouged out and this gouging changed him into a special Charmander and turned his sister into a Totodile. But that's just a theory. Ya it's a theory not a prediction. *thwacks self*
Glad to have you on the reviewing team! As for the theory, it's possbly the most bizzare one I've ever heard :D No comment on wether it's true though ;)


The battles are also particularly fun to read. Hehe, these are definitely your strong suits, aren't they? Pokémon and battles? Certainly seems like it to me.

My brain is absolutely fried right now ( x.x;; ) so I can't think of anything constructive to say. Hopefully I will by your next update!
Glad you reviewed! As for my strong suits, I hope they are, though the fic does veer more towards horror at the end...

As for the next chapter, it might be out tommorow, or if not, the day afterwards. I just want to improve a few things first.

Chronicles Death
16th August 2005, 12:16 PM
This fic keeps getting better and better. I don't understand why Roxanne sudddenly got so bitter. She seemed so nice.....Anyways, I can't wait for the next chappy! Well, later!

Another Loser Anthem! (Waoh!)

Elemental Charizam
18th August 2005, 12:08 AM
~Chapter 8: Psyshipping Across The Ocean~
After three days spent in the forest traveling and training and a brief visit home, George was anxious to move on, and so they had boarded the first ferry going to Dewford. The gigantic white ship in question pulled away from Petalburg late in the morning, its silvery windows glistening in the midday sun. The huge ferry had the words ‘Dewford Express’ on the side in big blue letters. Unlike other ships, it had no chimneys, being operated by a huge electric engine. Adam and George had got a shared cabin on the higher parts of the ship, though to be fair, it was quite a large cabin.

Inside, Adam lay down on one of the dark blue beds, resting his ‘Advanced Strategies’ book against the mahogany headboard. George, meanwhile, was gazing through their window, watching the tiny Petalburg harbour get steadily smaller. Squinting, he could just make out the image of his parents waving them off, but it was hard to be sure. Turning around a thought crossed his mind.

“You know, we probably should have got more supplies before leaving,” announced George.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to rush over to Dewford right away,” said Adam nonchalantly.

“Well, there are probably plenty of shops on the ship,” put in George, changing the subject quickly.

“Why don’t you go get stuff then?” suggested Adam.

“I guess I will. See ya later then!” replied George happily as he left.

Adam continued to read up on Brawly, wincing as he looked at the Meditite. After a couple of minutes, Charmander’s pokéball started rocking in his pocket, and sighing, he let him out. The black lizard popped out wearing a thoughtful grin, ‘accidentally’ knocking the book onto the floor.

-“So, Adam,”- he said, sitting down on the headboard –“I’ve been thinking.”-

“Most people do,” replied Adam.

-“Yes. Well, you’re called Adam, right? And I’m called Charmander, after my species, which is silly. I need a proper name, one to match my great personality”- protested Charmander.

“What about Charmander 2.0?” suggested Adam.

-“Nooooo, a PROPER, cool name you dimbat, like Flare or something!”- he complained.

“Na, too cliché, you might as well call yourself Flame!” joked Adam. “Why not call yourself Woodsmoke?”

-“What, you expect me to name myself after a fictional character? No way! I think I’ll call myself… Cinder,”- pondered Cinder at length.

“Okay Char… I mean Cinder,” said Adam getting up slowly. “Do you wanna check out the deck?”

-“That rhymed! But sure, I’ll come, It’s better than getting cabin fever in here,”-
chirped Cinder happily.

“You do know what cabin fever is really, right?” asked Adam as they left their room.


*********

The bright white floor of the deck was carpeted with sun beds, where hundreds of people lay down while others opted for the cool embrace of the pool. Unlike the sun bed, it was fairly empty, at least for its size. It looked so tempting that it had lured Adam in, who was swimming lengths while Cinder relaxed in the lovely sun. Finally, Adam walked up the stairs before flopping heavily on one of the sun-heated chairs.

“So Charmander, have a fun time lazing around?” asked Adam jokingly.

-“Well, my name is Cinder for one thing, and second, Charmanders don’t like water,”- he replied, unmoving from his lying spot.

“LADIES & GENTLEMEN! IF YOU LOOK TO THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BOAT YOU CAN SEE A PSYDUCK SURFING! WHAT A ODD SIGHT TO BEHOLD FOLKS!” boomed the intercom, making Charmander jump up in surprise.

Standing up, Adam ran to the crowded railings, and scoured the ocean for signs of a Psyduck. Sure enough, he saw a large yellow duck shooting across the ocean, his webbed feet resting on a bright red surfboard. Just above his beige bill, a pair of black sunglasses rested on its face, gleaming as the pokémon neared the ship.

-“Prepare to be amazed by the tricks of Psydelus, the greatest surfer of all time!”- he quacked loudly to the dazzled audience.

The Psyduck rose high on a coast bound wave, and as it grew, shot down leaving a trail of white water. Turning around quickly, the board climbed up again, sailing high into the air and somersaulting joyfully before crashing down to the sea again. As another large wave passed, he prepared to do the same again.

-“He’s good at that,”- admired Cinder.

“Guess he wasn’t joking about amazing tricks,” added Adam.


*********

Muttering, George put down the brown shopping bag and jiggled his key desperately in the lock. Finally it clicked, and the door swung open easily. Totodile rushed in, burdened with a small Charmander plushy, a few ‘Dewford: Island Of Dreams’ pamphlets, and a tube of chocolate drops. George followed, dumping the brown bag on the small table that lay in the center of the room, almost knocking the vase of flowers off of it. He collapsed onto his bed while Totodile shut the door, knocked into the dressing cabinet doors, and ran frantically about holding her head.

“I wonder where Adam and Charmander got to?” mused George.

-“Probably gone off to train, after all, you have a much stronger team!”- beamed Totodile.

“But Slakoth doesn’t even listen to me!” moaned George exasperatedly.

-“He’s probably just resentful that you managed to capture you as he views beginning trainers as weak jerks and thinks that he’s really strong. Talk it through with him,”- advised Totodile knowingly.

“Well, I might as we—”

George was interrupted mid-sentence by the door swinging open and Cinder and Adam strolling through before sitting down on the other bed with a 'thunk' of protest from the springs.

“Hello George. Did you have fun shopping?” asked Adam.

“Well, not fun per say, but I did get everything. Anyway, where were you?” asked George, curious.

“I was fighting Rayquaza,” replied Adam casually.

“Which means?”

“Fine, I watched a Psyduck doing tricks on a surfboard,” sighed Adam.

“No, really, what were you doing?” asked George unbelievingly.

“I was telling the truth, right Cinder?” asked Adam.

-“Yeah, we were going to…”- began Cinder, before being blocked out by Totodile.

-“Cinder!?”- exclaimed Totodile -“You have a name now?... Well then, I demand a name!”-

“I don’t see anyone stopping you,” Adam pointed out.

-“Fine! I’ll get the best name ever, and show you all!”- yelled Totodile fiercely, thinking hard.

“Do you mind if I watch T.V while you think?” asked George happily, picking up the remote control.

-“Sure,”- said Totodile absently.

George hit the power button on the remote, and in the corner of the room a screen flashed into life. The silver TV hung on a platform high on the walls, designed to give people on the beds a good view. Bold red letters flashed across the screen spelling out ‘Controversy at Devon’, followed by a piece of fast paced music as the news began. The screen cut suddenly to Rustboro city, just outside the towering bulk of the Devon corp. building. Blocking the entrance was a huge mob of different pokémon and people, waving placards and banners angrily. The steady pounding of a giant rock snake, an Onix, could be heard above the enrage crowd. In turn, the enraged rabble was surrounded by the Houenn police, clothed in their traditional militant blue clothing. Beside them, several great dogs stood, almost as high as their shoulders. Huge manes of creamy fur cascaded down their necks, and sharp black stripes cut across their orange fur sharply, like darker versions of the glistening teeth in their assorted maws.

“Rioting continues today in the south of Rustboro over allegations of torture and non consensual testing on pokémon. The police have blocked off the area from the streets with riot control barriers, and as such we’re unable to get an interview with the leader of these riots,” cut in the feminine voice of a reporter. “The police are also remain-“

A deafening roar erupted out of nowhere, a primal scream of rage drowning out the television. Another soon followed, raising the hairs on the back of George’s neck. Soon after, a metallic thud echoed, and the ship started rocking sickeningly from side to side.

“Unless that riot got really heated, I think something’s up,” said a startled Adam.

“To the deck!” announced George dramatically, suppressing a slight shudder of hidden fear.


*********

As evening fell on the ship, a lone figure stood on the deck, looking out onto the dark ocean and the nearing coast of Dewford. The breeze whipped her long brown hair around her face, and ocean spray tickled her face gently. A pale serpentine dragon had coiled itself around the metal banisters, singing a soft song that lulled through the silence of the deck, the beautiful symphony attracting a small audience behind them. But the music didn’t just lure humans; as foamy bubbles rose beside the boat it became clear that something was coming upwards from the deeps…

Suddenly, the frothy water exploded upwards in a huge spout of raging white water, showering the deck like salty rain. As it ascended higher, a gigantic head burst through the raging water, uttering a terrible screech. Burning red rays shot from the behemoth’s malevolent eyes, shining downwards like cruel suns on the insignificant figures below. Her huge, rubbery lips parted to reveal a cavernous maw, four ice white fangs pushing through into the scene. Her beige stomach scales tensed together as several tougher navy armour plates slid across for added protection, lessening the vulnerable belly area.

“Nice work, Dratini, we’ve got her now. Use your Ice Beam on her weaker underbelly,” commanded the girl quietly.

Nodding, the graceful dragon rose from her resting place and sent an icy blue beam of energy crackling straight for the belly of the huge serpent. It struck the Gyarados in the shrunken midriff, knocking her back and plating the pale scales with an uneven ice carapace. Enraged, the sea serpent lunged at Dratini, fangs bared menacingly as her murderous form drew closer.

“Extremespeed,” ordered the girl calmly.

Dratini became a shining blur before the beast’s eyes, her sparkling trail dancing around the Gyarados gracefully. Confused, Gyarados crashed head first into the great bulk of the metal boat, the tortured sound of titanium echoing throughout the vessel. The on deck passengers were hurled backwards at the collision, though the girl managed to secure herself on the banisters. The monstrous form of Gyarados finally broke the water again, thrashing madly at the glowing blur that was Dratini.

“Thunder Wave!”

Twisting around mid-air, Dratini shot forwards like an electrical meteor, the sparks that crackled over her body replacing her gleaming slipstream smoothly. As Gyarados drew closer, Dratini released the energy in a wide net of electrical bolts that hummed slowly in the air. Gyarados was hit, the energy snaking around her in showers of sparks, tensing her muscles and blackening her scales. Dramatically she stopped, struggling to stay afloat, every movement slow and labored. As the great seas snake fell backwards, the bee-like form of an Ultra-ball zoomed towards her, catching her in a blinding flash. As the ball plummeted downwards, it was caught deftly by the tail of Dratini. It rocked once…

Twice…

And finally, thrice, closing with a metallic ‘ping’ and a fading glow on the circular lock. Sailing through the air, the occupied pokéball landed comfortably in the immaculate hands of April. As she turned around victoriously she noticed a crowd behind her; some annoyed, some impressed and others jealous. Smiling in a way that Adam, viewing from this crowd thought was suspiciously superior, April walked off the deck, her boots echoing down the corridors. Her silent companion drifted angelically behind her, twisting her lithe body around in the air happily.


The End Of Chapter 8

Chronicles Death
18th August 2005, 1:16 AM
Yay! Now they're gonna have nicknames! Well, this chapter was a bit shorter, but everyone's gottta have a break sometimes, right?Anways, I wonder who the girl is....I hope she turns out to be a betrayer person type of person. Whatever. Anyways, I'll be waiting for the next chappy!

Chibi Pika
18th August 2005, 2:07 AM
Silverwing;249;:'Bout time you actually showed at the fic you're beta-ing. ¬¬

I think chapter was one of my favorites. Especially the end, seems like definite foreshadowing, though not as much as Cinder's vision. I notoced you called Charmander Cinder once in chapter 7. I wanted to point it out, but I couldn't remember if he'd been nicknamed yet, which obviously happened in this chapter, so you should go back and fix that.

Charmander 2.0...best...line...EVER. *falls out of chair laughing.*

~Chibi~;249;<?>;rukario;

SnoringFrog
18th August 2005, 4:42 AM
So far this is a great fic, I haven't read C8 yet, don't have time right now. I'll get to it tomorrow.

Elemental Charizam
19th August 2005, 10:09 PM
First of all, I'd just like to thank all for your kind reviews, though they were all positive they were pretty useful, because it tells me when I'm hitting the right keys as it were. Before I get on to replying to them, I'd just like to announce that Chapter 9 is done... which means the last revision! I'll leave it's release for a few days as Chapters will be a bit slower from now on, especially with the start of evil Grammar school :/


This fic keeps getting better and better. I don't understand why Roxanne sudddenly got so bitter. She seemed so nice.....Anyways, I can't wait for the next chappy! Well, later!
Whilst she is a natrually nice person, by now she's tired of being walked over just because she's nice - and tired of the countless defeats she has to face as the first Gym leader.


Yay! Now they're gonna have nicknames! Well, this chapter was a bit shorter, but everyone's gottta have a break sometimes, right?Anways, I wonder who the girl is....I hope she turns out to be a betrayer person type of person. Whatever. Anyways, I'll be waiting for the next chappy!
Yep, it sure wasn't laziness... *shiftry eyes*

Thanks for sticking around Rogue (can I call you that?), hopefully teh evil April personality won't be a letdown...


Silverwing ;249; <?> :rukario: : 'Bout time you actually showed at the fic you're beta-ing. ¬¬

I think chapter was one of my favorites. Especially the end, seems like definite foreshadowing, though not as much as Cinder's vision. I notoced you called Charmander Cinder once in chapter 7. I wanted to point it out, but I couldn't remember if he'd been nicknamed yet, which obviously happened in this chapter, so you should go back and fix that.

Charmander 2.0...best...line...EVER. *falls out of chair laughing.*

~Chibi~ ;249; <?> :rukario:
Hey Chibi, I was wondering when you might drop in XD Thanks for coming (and beta-ing)... Yep, there was simmilar foreshadowing in the Devon tower, but it was subtle (well no one mentioned it, right?), though it isn't as important as the thing you put in spoiler tags. Cheers for telling me about the Cinder thing as well, ever since I named him I keep on calling him that before he's even named. I'm glad it's no longer a problem to be honest.

By the way, is Silverwing undergoing some sort of uncertanty as to his species? *is puzzled by Lucario*

Thanks for the compliment SnoringFrog, I hope you enjoy chapter eight as much. Oh, and on the subject of enjoyment, free pi for all!

:snowlax: : Wohoo, I'm randomly appearing!

SnoringFrog
19th August 2005, 10:17 PM
C8 was good, I forgot to come back and review it though.

jirachiman876
21st August 2005, 6:52 PM
good chappie EC. Seems interesting. I wonder why there always has to be a boat chapter in journey fics. DOn't worry I used one too. But I swear there usually is. Anyway great chappie.
jirachiman out ;385;

Chibi Pika
21st August 2005, 7:12 PM
Hey Chibi, I was wondering when you might drop in XD Thanks for coming (and beta-ing)... Yep, there was simmilar foreshadowing in the Devon tower, but it was subtle (well no one mentioned it, right?), though it isn't as important as the thing you put in spoiler tags. Cheers for telling me about the Cinder thing as well, ever since I named him I keep on calling him that before he's even named. I'm glad it's no longer a problem to be honest.

By the way, is Silverwing undergoing some sort of uncertanty as to his species? *is puzzled by Lucario*
Devon tower eh? I'll go check that out.

And no, he's not, I just screwed the smilies. :p At the end with my little siggy thing it goes ;249;<?>;rukario; and I accidentally put it after Silverwing's name. But Silver' now decided he is a normal Lugia, except when I post at the Dark Pokemon club I'm in, in which he is appropriately Dark Lugia.

~Chibi~;249;<?>;rukario;

Sike Saner
23rd August 2005, 8:36 PM
Wehhh, this chapter almost escaped my notice! :( Ah, whatever. That was nice, Cinder getting to choose his own name...wonder what that Totodile's going to end up being called? Hm.

Highlights:


-“So, Adam,”- he said, sitting down on the headboard –“I’ve been thinking.”-

“Most people do,” replied Adam.

*SNORT!*


Standing up, Adam ran to the crowded railings, and scoured the ocean for signs of a Psyduck. Sure enough, he saw a large yellow duck shooting across the ocean, his webbed feet resting on a bright red surfboard. Just above his beige bill, a pair of black sunglasses rested on its face, gleaming as the pokémon neared the ship.

-“Prepare to be amazed by the tricks of Psydelus, the greatest surfer of all time!”- he quacked loudly to the dazzled audience.

What a pleasant little surreal image you provided there. I always enjoy those. :D

The scene closing the chapter was also quite excellent - you'll now recieve a few extra happy-points from me for the nifty description of Gyarados. :D

...Oh, Lord, I used the word "nifty"...:rolleyes:

Elemental Charizam
24th August 2005, 9:18 PM
good chappie EC. Seems interesting. I wonder why there always has to be a boat chapter in journey fics. DOn't worry I used one too. But I swear there usually is. Anyway great chappie.
I know, it's odd huh? I guess it's because in Hoenn they need to get to Dewford for their second badge. They seem to be hijacked by Team Aqua a lot too O-o Cheers for dropping a review J-man! Hope you like your new nickname ;)


Devon tower eh? I'll go check that out.
You'll never find it Chibi, I buried it too deep! Glad to hear Silverwing is silver again... for his sake, I'll tell you to look out for the colour green :p


Wehhh, this chapter almost escaped my notice! :( Ah, whatever. That was nice, Cinder getting to choose his own name...wonder what that Totodile's going to end up being called? Hm.

Highlights:


-“So, Adam,”- he said, sitting down on the headboard –“I’ve been thinking.”-

“Most people do,” replied Adam.

*SNORT!*
Fwee! The highlights return, with ego boostingness and helpfulness in one nifty package... Great, now I'm saying nifty too XD



Standing up, Adam ran to the crowded railings, and scoured the ocean for signs of a Psyduck. Sure enough, he saw a large yellow duck shooting across the ocean, his webbed feet resting on a bright red surfboard. Just above his beige bill, a pair of black sunglasses rested on its face, gleaming as the pokémon neared the ship.

-“Prepare to be amazed by the tricks of Psydelus, the greatest surfer of all time!”- he quacked loudly to the dazzled audience.

What a pleasant little surreal image you provided there. I always enjoy those. :D

The scene closing the chapter was also quite excellent - you'll now recieve a few extra happy-points from me for the nifty description of Gyarados. :D

...Oh, Lord, I used the word "nifty"...:rolleyes:
I'm not sure why, but everyone seems to think that a surfing Psyduck is odd, dunno why. Thanks for the helpful for the review; ultra-cookies for all!


~Chapter 9: Black Beach~
“The time is 9:00 PM, would all passengers please disembark to Dewford harbour. The time is 9:00 PM, would all passengers please….”

-“I get it!”- screamed Totodile eventually, losing her cool.

-“Chill dude, just cause you ain’t got no name…”- Cinder replied.

“Cinder, is there any reason you’re talking like that?” asked Adam witheringly.

-“I thought an accent gave me more personality, you know, to go with my name and all…”-

“While its possible it gives you more personality, it’s the bad kind,” sighed Adam.

They walked through one of the ships shiny white passageways, followed by a bustling crowd of people and pokémon desperate to get off. After a few minutes of silence they arrived at a glowing green sign with ‘EXIT’ plastered across in large bold letters, where the crowd was flowing outwards, jostling like bulls. Grabbing their pokémon Adam and George jumped in, and eventually squeezed out onto the wooden steps of Dewford docks. They took a minute to take in the scenery; around them the masts of yachts glowed like a white forest, bobbing gently on the current. The sea around the ship glowed jade with the glow of underwater lights, though the occasional flash of a Chinchou stuck out from the calm ocean. The lapping of the ocean against the wood and rock was soothing, and the gang walked a while longer in silence.

“So, were sleeping at the pokécenter tonight, right?” asked George.

“Yeah I guess. I just hope they have a spare room,” yawned Adam.

“We know where it is though, right?” asked George in a concerned voice.

-“I do! It was on one of those pamphlets!”- beamed Totodile proudly.

George stopped, and started rummaging quickly through his rucksack, muttering to himself. With a victorious cry he lifted one of the pamphlets out, and had a look at the colourful map on the back.

“According to this we keep on walking in a straight line, and then we…” began George.

“Arrive at the pokécenter?” suggested Adam as he looked over George’s shoulder.

“Yeah. You can see it from here too, if you just step a bit to the right,” replied a freaked-out George.

The huge red dome of the pokécenter loomed above them, placed neatly on a gleaming stone plateau. Around it and on the same elevated area a huge plot of grass and flowers grew neatly. From the dense foliage huge beams of light shot up, illuminating the platform. It seemed that it had merely been blocked from sight by a closed surfing-gear shop as they disembarked. As the four walked around the shop and up the stone stairs they passed a great view of the huge beach, a gigantic stretch of white that went around the entire island. Adam turned his head away slowly, and stepped into the welcoming warmth of the pokécenter.

“Nice décor, though I’m too tired to appreciate it fully. I guess I’ll get a room then anyway,” George asked, stepping through the entrance.

The décor was quite nice, a royal red carpet covered the floor, with a few well placed black leather sofas against the walls. Dark wooden desks lined the far wall, polished to perfection and covered by computers and papers. The walls were covered in white wallpaper that was fringed at the top and bottom by a gold and brown pattern that intertwined beautifully. The group soon crossed the room, and arrived at the line of desks.

“Hello! Can I help you?” asked a smiling young Nurse in the standard white clothes and in the same practical spirit her chestnut hair was tied back in a bun.

“Yeah. Can we have a double room for the night?” asked Adam.

“Of course! I’ll just need your trainer ID’s and you can go up!” she smiled.

“Here you go,” muttered George drowsily.

After the two handed their cards over the Nurse she scanned them with a swipe slot in her computer. After a short period of furious typing she turned back to them, and handed each their trainer cards and a pair of keys.

“Ok! I’ve booked you into room 54b. Just go up the stairs and you’ll soon find it,” she added.

“Thanks,” yawned George, before climbing the large wooden stairs.


*********

“WELCOME GUEST, TODAY IS THE 13th OF JULY. IT IS NOW 8:00 PM EXACTLY. WELCO-”

George’s fist hit the alarm clock with a satisfying ‘thump’. Yawning he got up, and swung his legs out of the white duvet. From the other side of the room a loud yawning indicated that Adam too had awoke. Dusting off his green pajamas, George pulled aside the curtains, and filling the white room with golden light. Outside the caws of Wingull rung out across the crowded streets, accompanied by the bustle of trainers below entering the pokécenter.

“This place sure wakes up early,” commented Adam from the other side, walking across the tiled floor.

“Yeah, I guess its too hot most of the time,” agreed George.

Yawning again, Adam opened the wooden door to the dressing room, lifting his bag up behind him a he walked in. Before George could even sigh in exasperation at his spot being taken, Totodile ejected herself from her pokéball in a flash of light. Glancing around she found herself on a bedside table, and right next to a bemused George.

-“Lets go see the sea! I want a good swim!”- exclaimed Totodile, stretching her small claws.

“I’m not even dressed yet! We can go as soon as Adam gets out of the dressing room, the place-stealer that he is,” replied George loudly.

“Harsh language!” mocked Adam from the next room, before coming out.

A white baseball cap adorned his head, with the traditional Houenn half-pokéball symbol sown in black thread. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt with a discreet white ‘ᇘ’ logo in the right corner. His black pokéball bearing belt had six metallic spheres attached in their shrunken forms, though only one was occupied. Underneath he wore pale grey sports trousers and a pair of shiny white running shoes.

“All I need is a pair of prescription sunglasses and I’m set!” exclaimed Adam. “I guess you can go in now anyway.”

“Thank you my lord,” replied George as he walked past.

“Hey, sarcasm is my thing!” said Adam, feigning a hurt tone.


*********

Adam and George strolled through the busy streets of Dewford under the sweltering heat of the tropical island. George was also wearing a sunhat, though his was black and had no logo. He wore a white cross stitched t-shirt, though it was partially covered by the black straps of his backpack. Light beige shorts came down to his knees, and brown leather sandals covered his feet.

“I wish I had sandals,” complained Adam. “This heat is driving me insane, especially carrying this backpack around everywhere.”

-“Speak for yourself, this is heaven!”- laughed Cinder, flaring his tail happily.

“Hey, there’s the beach!” interrupted George happily.

“Whup-dee-do,” sighed Adam, drenching his face with a water bottle.

Sure enough, a huge stretch of gloriously white sand ran for miles, curving away gently in the distance. The glimmering azure sea crashed in white waves, flowing gently across the sand. A large group of sun loungers and parasols had been put up in a few prime locations for those more interested in tanning than surfing, and they had become the main concentration of people on the huge beach. Still, there were a fair few surfers, though the waves weren’t large enough to warrant a hardcore following. As the group walked across the sand it whipped up, and stung their eyes like tiny Beedrill. Rubbing his, George scanned the huge beach for somewhere to change, but with little luck.

“Hey Adam, can you see any changing stands?” asked George.

“They’re over there by the ice-cream stand,” replied Adam, pointing randomly.

“Thanks!” said George, running off.

Much to Adam’s surprise there was indeed a row of wooden changing cubicles, side by side with some matching lockers. Rolling his eyes at the weirdness of the world in general, he followed George and a dancing Totodile. As he an Cinder strolled up, a large muscled man passed them, dressed in orange shorts and carrying a huge red surfboard. Short light-blue hair covered his head, whipping up in the breeze as he ran. As he passed he turned slightly, and as Adam stepped backwards to avoid being impale on a surfboard, he slipped backwards and smashed down onto a large pile of pebbles. They scattered everywhere, making Cinder roar with laughter, and teeter about dangerously.

“Damn! You know how long it took Marsal and me to pile those up?” asked a despairing voice behind.

Turning around Adam saw a teenage girl sitting on the sandy beach. Her hair was bright purple, and in her sitting position almost touched the ground as it was whipped about by the breeze. Her eyes were a gleaming cobalt colour, complimenting her shocking neon hair well. She was wearing a black t-shirt and long dark trousers, which looked uncomfortable in this heat. Beside her a small beige fox-like pokémon sat in the lotus position, large double hooked feet sticking out onto the sand. Her eyes were screwed shut and her tiny nostrils breathed slowly, her brown fur-covered stomach rising rhythmically. On her shoulders, sponge like tufts of brown fur protruded in two neat triangular shapes, like the fur was glued together. Out of these two pale skinny arms emerged, leading to large segmented oval hands. This pokémon obviously wasn’t adept at physical combat, and how she could pile stones with her eyes closed was a mystery to Adam.

“A few minutes maybe? Sorry for your ‘loss’, but to be blunt, it wasn’t my fault,” sighed Adam, picking himself up from the remains of the pebble-pyramid.

“So, why did you break our pyramid?” she questioned.

“Neesh, I’m telling you it wasn’t my fault, though why you’d want a pebble-pyramid is beyond me,” exclaimed Adam. “If you want someone to yell at, go yell at that surfer guy with the fan club over there.”

Indeed, the surfer had attracted a huge crowd of female fans, watching him eagerly as he surfed up and down the rather puny waves of the beach. Turning her head to look she sighed in disbelief, clearly annoyed even further. She looked like snapping at Adam, until she saw Cinder, watching the mini-inquisition with interest while lying on the baking sand.

“Finally! I take it you’re a trainer then? ‘Cause all we have here is surfers, who usually train fighting types and spend most of their time doing squat,” she asked hopefully.

“Yeah, sure… I assume you want to battle Charmander-” Adam began, before being interrupted by a tiny jet of flame. “I assume you want to battle CINDER and me then?”

“Yeah! Go Marsal, show them what an Abra can do!” she announced, jumping up and getting into a dramatic stance behind ‘Marsal’.

“Ok Cinder, you’re up,” called out Adam. “Try a Smokescreen.”

Adam had been reading up on Charmander attacks, and sure enough, Cinder took in a deep breath, ready to release the attack. As resistance failed to occur, he breathed out deeply, sending a huge billow of smog over the beach. As the attack progressed it spread out, covering the whole makeshift arena and causing the teenage girl to cough heavily.

“Marsal, use Foresight!” she coughed quickly.

Adam sighed, knowing the move would effectively neutralize the smokescreen. He was proven right when two bright blue eyes shone through the smoke, instantly pin-pointing Cinders location. Still, at least it would affect the trainer…

“Ok Cinder, aim an Ember at those eyes!” commanded Adam.

“Teleport away Marsal!” called out his opponent.

A flurry of flaming embers shot through the dark cloud of smoke, swerving perfectly to the targets position. The first few connected in a flash of fire, and the high pitched yelping of the Abra. Before the second volley could hit, a huge white glow pierced the dark, coming from the direction of Marsal. Still, another flash soon revealed the coordinates of the teleport, and Cinder turned around, poised for attack.

“Fury Swipes before she recovers!” called Adam, muffled a little by the fog.

Cinder rushed forwards quickly, his black body blending seamlessly with the smoky atmosphere. As he neared Marsal he jumped high in the air, rotating swiftly to build up momentum. As he came down he landed a glancing slash to the Abra’s face, followed by a swift uppercut that sent her flying upwards. Six claws glinting as tendrils of light broke through the cloud of dark, Cinder charged again, uttering a deep reptilian growl. As he ran forwards the air around him blurred, and Abra raised a glowing purple hand upwards, stopping the Charmander completely.

“Good one Marsal! Now use Hypnosis!” commanded a feminine voice.

The fog was almost gone now, and Adam clearly saw the tiny Abra raise a glowing paw to Cinder’s forehead. The air blurred again, and Cinder’s eyes glassed over, and he began to succumb to the psychic’s sleep technique.


*********

Cinder peered around, curious as to where he was. The last he could remember he was at the beach fighting an Abra, and now, this. He was in a small cave made from brown granite, molded almost perfectly into quarter of a sphere of rock. Still, stalactites hung from the ceiling, making the cave look like a huge, forbidding maw. Outside he saw more granite, obviously he was in some cavernous complex somewhere, but why?

He stepped out, ducking under the stalactites when a drop of crimson liquid hit his black skin. Puzzled, he looked up, just as a steady stream of red fell from the pointed rocks. It must be the rust thought Cinder You always get red iron rust stuff in places like this… It looks a bit dark though, almost like blood... As if transformed by his thoughts, the rock began to melt into the same liquid, and Cinder could see it was now that it was blood. He yelled in disgust and protest, but the river of red grew ever larger, and soon he was swept up in the raging fury of the crimson tide, but there was little could do to stop it. Eventually he stopped his struggle, waiting to see where it would lead him. As he calmed down, so did the macabre stream, and soon he was merely drifting along, watching the blood soaked ceiling pass slowly above.

A sudden flash of light blinded his vision, a red nova of fire surrounded by a shadow of pure malice. Motion stopped, he was still, and the river became completely tranquil, solid almost. His eyes were glued to the red light, tendrils of pure black hatred extending from the crimson core and eating at the rocks like acid. Transfixed, he remained staring in awe; the blood and panic blasted away by the haunting light. It sent rhythms through his body and soul, growing in pitch until they were a scream. Another piercing shriek cut the air, and he was no longer looking upon a vision of light, but at blurry people scrambling through a brambly forest, slipping and stumbling desperately.

This too disappeared, and he was back facing the light, a swirling mass of ether. His mind became muffled in a fog of sleep, and though the light screamed words at him, he couldn’t understand. All he could see was the black light rising…


*********

Cinder blinked his eyes open, and to his relief he found himself on the familiar beach again. Beside him lay a dazed Abra, her face covered in soot from what he could only assume was one of his own attacks. Adam was saying goodbye to the girl, who seemed to be happy with the outcome of the battle for some reason.

“Thanks Adam! I know I need to tire pokémon out more before putting them to sleep next time,” she called as he began to leave.

“Yeah, good battle Leanne! Cinder kind of needs the experience,” he laughed.

And with that, they walked off in different directions, Cinder rushing to catch up with Adam. Once he caught him up he kept pace, pondering about the odd dream he’d had… Was it a side-affect of hypnosis? Was it ordinary? Was it real?


The End Of Chapter 9

Sike Saner
24th August 2005, 10:47 PM
Ha, my punctuality hath returned! Awesome. Alright, before I say anything else, I will tell you straightaway that the description in this chapter was above your usual standard. You should be proud of it, seriously.

Now. Here's something I found which you might be interested in checking out:


Adam stepped backwards to avoid being impale on a surfboard

I'm sure you meant "impaled", right? Just thought I'd point that out. But eh, it's just a little typo, and I'm not really in any position to throw stones about it; I make those all over the place, having rather lame brain-hand coordination and being slightly dyslexic as I am.

And here's something that made me laugh:


“Yeah, sure… I assume you want to battle Charmander-” Adam began, before being interrupted by a tiny jet of flame. “I assume you want to battle CINDER and me then?”

That made me laugh...and it didn't hurt that, for probably no reason other than my general weirdness, I saw Adam making a "mocking" face and waving his kiester as he delivered that last line, plus I heard him say "CINDER" more like "CIIIIIIINDER", in a drippy, teasing fashion, you know? Yeah, I'm not all there, am I?...

The scene immediately following Cinder's being hit with Hypnosis (you know, with the river of blood and such) was one of my favorite little segments in this entire story thus far. I just love that sort of weird, freaky, surreal, psychological stuff.

jirachiman876
25th August 2005, 1:15 AM
Well EC interesting chappie. Nothing much happened except Cinder creamated an Abra while sleeping. Kool!!!
jirachiman out ;385;

Chronicles Death
25th August 2005, 3:38 AM
INteresting chap I liked it. Specially the dream! Mysterious Dreams and weird things happen must be in nowadays. Heheh....There were a few grammar mistakes, no biggy. Wouldn't make it hard to understand. Oh yeah! I like that Cinder and Totdile don't always win. They win win win win and it gets annoying. I have faith in you man! So Later!

Kiyohime
25th August 2005, 8:53 AM
Guilt has prodded me with sharp sticks to go and comment on all the stories my friends have written, so here I am. ^.^

Your description HAS improved- your sig wasn't lying. (Beautiful banner, BTW.) Everything about it has improved, too, I see. I'm proud! ^_^ I'd say more, but it's 1 in the morning and my brain is fried.. x.x

Elemental Charizam
25th August 2005, 3:29 PM
4 Reviews so soon? *blinks a bit* Ok, reply post!


Ha, my punctuality hath returned! Awesome. Alright, before I say anything else, I will tell you straightaway that the description in this chapter was above your usual standard. You should be proud of it, seriously.
Yey, punctuality! I'm glad the description was good here, I had to change it quite a bit, I've just realised how lame my old description was :/


I'm sure you meant "impaled", right? Just thought I'd point that out. But eh, it's just a little typo, and I'm not really in any position to throw stones about it; I make those all over the place, having rather lame brain-hand coordination and being slightly dyslexic as I am.
Ooo, thanks for that *goes to fix typo* Funny though, I didn't notice any typo's when I read TOoS...


That made me laugh...and it didn't hurt that, for probably no reason other than my general weirdness, I saw Adam making a "mocking" face and waving his kiester as he delivered that last line, plus I heard him say "CINDER" more like "CIIIIIIINDER", in a drippy, teasing fashion, you know? Yeah, I'm not all there, am I?...
XD Quite close to how I imagined it actually :D *gives cookie*


The scene immediately following Cinder's being hit with Hypnosis (you know, with the river of blood and such) was one of my favorite little segments in this entire story thus far. I just love that sort of weird, freaky, surreal, psychological stuff.
Good, 'cause there might be a whole lot more of that coming... Psycho Cinder away!


Well EC interesting chappie. Nothing much happened except Cinder creamated an Abra while sleeping. Kool!!!
Yeah, most of the focus was admittedly on his dream, and the Abra battle... Cremated XD


INteresting chap I liked it. Specially the dream! Mysterious Dreams and weird things happen must be in nowadays. Heheh....There were a few grammar mistakes, no biggy. Wouldn't make it hard to understand. Oh yeah! I like that Cinder and Totdile don't always win. They win win win win and it gets annoying. I have faith in you man! So Later!
'Tis a very mysterious fic, despite the mildly generic beginning... And don't worry, I don't plan to make them win all the time...


Guilt has prodded me with sharp sticks to go and comment on all the stories my friends have written, so here I am. ^.^
Fwee! Welcome back Scrap ^_^ *gives thanks to guilt*


Your description HAS improved- your sig wasn't lying. (Beautiful banner, BTW.) Everything about it has improved, too, I see. I'm proud! ^_^ I'd say more, but it's 1 in the morning and my brain is fried.. x.
To be honest, I'm suprised my old description wasn't flamed more, it really sucked - thanks for the compliment though. As for the banner, I thought it was finally time for a change, though it was hard to let go of my cool old one... Still, I still have it, so I can always switch again :D

Thanks muchly to everyone for reviewing - as thanks, I'll withold the next chapter a little longer ;) Have some cookies while you wait...

SnoringFrog
27th August 2005, 4:01 AM
Good chapter. I liked it.

BTW. Since I have reviewed your fic, would you please consider reviewing and rating mine?

sk0rp10n
10th September 2005, 11:35 AM
yeah, I have been "thinking" of reviewing for some time now. But everybody does, right? Seriously, I like that line. You know I like T&T and that fic would be proud to accomodate a line like that. Very classy, yet pretty damn funny wsecraking line. Thanks to Sike for pointing that out after it escaped my attention.


The breeze whipped her long brown hair around her face, and ocean spray tickled her face gently. A pale serpentine dragon had coiled itself around the metal banisters, singing a soft song that lulled through the silence of the deck, the beautiful symphony attracting a small audience behind them.

I would like to draw attention to this line, one of many such in this fic. This kind of lines are the most underestimated lines in fics, IMO. Unlike other lines, which help to flesh out the story, these lines show off your writing ability, as well as descriptive ability. Poetic, yet short and sweet, all the while adding a touch of superfluousness that I love very much.


-“That doesn’t even make sense!”- exclaimed Charmander.

“She might be delirious from that Rock tomb,” suggested Adam.

-“Maybe she’s drunk on power?”- speculated Charmander.

“Maybe she’s drunk?” offered Adam.

-“Maybe,”- laughed Charmander.

-“I can hear you two, so shut up!”- yelled Totodile huffily.

“How can I refuse a demand like that?” mocked Adam.

Nice one. Sarcastic humour again. Well done with that.

The battles were nicely fleshed out, and I doubt tat yo could have done very much more with them. You did use the same words twice in close proximity at times, but that is merely me nitpicking, and can hardly be considered a fault.

I do have to say that you have improved tremendously from the last time, and I have to "reluctantly" rescind my comments about you in the summer awards thread. I came in here to see how well you are writing right now, and I was pleased to be pleasently surprised, and I take nothing away from you. Actually, I am a realistic person, and I praise what I like, and I do like this work. Expect to see my nomination for yo in the summer fic awards soon. Do carry on the good writing.

Elemental Charizam
8th October 2005, 6:00 PM
Fwee, chapter 10 is done, and thanks to some top notch beta-ing no longer has gender confusion in it. Go Chibi! On another note, I'll reply to last chapters replies later; time is short at the moment.


~Chapter 10: Psydelus The Surfer~
Adam had eventually gotten changed, and he and George were currently lying down on two white towels that had been set out a short way from the surf. On the tip of Adam’s towel, the sleeping form of Cinder lay, relaxed by the huge amounts of heat. Totodile had decided to lie down in the path of the creamy waves, pondering the mysteries of life, death and what name to get.

“You know George, you should really send Slakoth out to enjoy the sun,” reminded Adam.

“Yeah, and he’ll go psycho just like he did in Rustboro,” sighed George, slumping down slightly.

“Well, it’s not like he attacked you,” pointed out Adam. “Besides, there are laws against keeping a pokémon locked away.”

“Fine,” sighed George, pushing himself up, reaching for Slakoth’s shiny pokéball, and pressing the central button.

In a flash of light Slakoth appeared, stretching his entire body extensively, and yawning insultingly at George. When he’d satisfied his need for belittling his trainer, he considered his options.

-“Finally decided to let me out, eh? I bet keeping me locked up makes you feel big, eh? Well, I’m not going to be commanded about by some insolent runt of a human. I’ll have you know that I command the entire troop of Slakoth in Petalburg forest. I could blink, and you’d be gone!” yelled Slakoth, waving his flailing limbs angrily.

“I’m not the oppressor here, but you do know we’re in Dewford, right?” butted in Adam, grinning brightly at the street theatre.

“Hey! I’m not the oppressor either! I just didn’t want you to go crazy like in Rustboro,” yelled George, stepping back a bit to avoid Slakoth’s hooked claws.

-“Hah! My location does not matter, I’m easily powerful enough to crush you on my own!”- chanted Slakoth. –“Your only power comes from your Totodile, who seems to have attained some strength despite being under your command. I must assume she merely stays with you for the battles that you get when being ‘trained’.

“I don’t think-” started George.

-“I don’t expect you to. Seeing as I’m already here, I’ll cut you a deal; don’t give me orders, and I’ll fight in your name… the fights should be fun, even with you. Now I believe I shall go to sleep,” sighed Slakoth, lying down on the glorious sand.


*********

Adam walked across the sands quickly, kicking up huge clouds of sand in his wake. He’d escaped from the boredom of sunbathing a few minutes earlier, the snoring of Slakoth driving him near insane. Cinder had joined him too and was hurrying beside him with an energy bar grasped between his two tiny hands.

-“So, where are we going to train?”- asked Cinder conversationally, taking a quick bite from his snack.

“There’s some cave around here somewhere according to Totodile’s pamphlet, and I figure it should be in that cliff somewhere,” answered Adam, glancing over his borrowed pamphlet.

-“So won’t there be rock types there?”- asked Cinder between chews.

“Yeah… If you’re thinking of weaknesses here, you can just use Metal Claw on any rock types. Besides, I heard there are more fighting and ghost types in the main complex. Here it is, ‘Granite Cave’,” announced Adam, surveying the cave critically. “It isn’t going to win any contests for most imaginative name, but it looks ok for training.”

Unsurprisingly, Granite Cave was made of brown granite, made smooth by frequent flooding when the sea was high. The entrance with the ‘Granite Cave’ sign above it was huge, big enough to fit a couple of rampaging Snorlax through easily. The two gave a brief glance across the beach and the distant shape of the changing rooms, before stepping through the cavernous entrance.

Before they could move very far, the two were struck by an overpowering stench of salt. Not surprising, seeing as it was right next to the sea, but neither of them had given it any thought. Once he’d gotten over it, Adam surveyed the cave quickly, holding his nose with one hand. The walls were coated in shining white salt, gleaming from the luminous shafts of sunlight that broke through the holey ceiling. Cinder had turned his attention to avoiding the salty-water that dripped from the glowing rocks above.

“Why not call it salt cave?” muttered Adam, walking deeper into the cave.

-“Or damp, water-dripping hell,” laughed Cinder a little bitterly, jogging to keep up with Adam and wincing every time a drop of water hit him.

The pair walked through the cave in silence, struggling over the occasional rock on their way. The cave was getting steadily darker, and the sound of a gushing waterfall filtered through the cave walls. As they turned a sharp corner in the rocky corridor, Adam’s foot got caught on a branch and brought him tumbling down. Cinder immediately burst into laughter as Adam pulled himself up, glaring at a large tree whose root had tripped him up. Similar roots stretched across the chamber, dipping occasionally into a large stream formed by the waterfall he’d heard earlier.

“The government should really do something about Houenn’s huge underground tree problem,” choked Adam, spitting a mouthful of salty soil onto the floor.

Turning to face the laughing Charmander, Adam caught a brief flicker of white light winking quietly from the shadows. Spinning around to face it, he found it had disappeared into the shadows like an elusive hallucination. After staring suspiciously at the area for a few minutes, he gave up. Sighing, he motioned to Cinder through the gloom, and went down the nearest passage he could find. Cinder soon caught up, still chuckling under his breath.

-“You know, I think this cave is empty. We haven’t seen anything since that Geodude half an hour ago,”- remarked Cinder, scouring the shadows suspiciously, as if they were hiding the inhabitants to spite him.

“Yeah, it’s a conspiracy alright.”

As they turned around the twisty passage, Adam caught another glimpse of the light, two octagonal pupils of white burning through the cave. They vanished again, but one look at Cinder told Adam that this time, he wasn’t the only witness to their odd stalker. The lizard was watching the dripping water with a new edgy look.

-“Those lights almost look like the eyes of a Sableye, right?”- asked Cinder nervously.

Before Adam could answer, the eyes were there again, but much closer this time, glinting maliciously as they weaved through the cave. They got steadily nearer, and a shadowy silhouette followed. In a rush of foul, salty wind, the creature erupted from the shadows yelling loudly. Getting over the shock, Cinder could see it was in fact a Sableye; the bright gemstone eyes and razor sharp claws were unmistakable, as was the dark purple hue of her skin. Still, instead of trying to gut them like you might expect, she merely laughed at the shocked expression on Cinder’s face, her forked tongue licking the salty air mockingly.

-“Ok Adam, I’ll take this murderous fiend!”- announced Cinder dramatically.

“Calm down, the only way this Sableye would kill somebody is by tickling them to death,” sighed Adam, rolling his eyes. “Still, you can battle it if you want, we are here to train after all.”

The Sableye looked offended at Adam’s words, and didn’t wait for Cinder to make the first move. She charged at the small Charmander, slashing him rapidly with her sharp claws and creating small cuts across his midriff. Angered, Cinder jumped up and lashed out with his burning tail, scorching a patch of Sableye’s purple skin black. The black salamander circled her warily, glancing occasionally at his stinging cuts.

“Use a close range Ember!” Adam called out quickly, knowing that attacks like Scratch would have no effect.

Nodding, Cinder took in a huge gulp of air, a ball of pure fire growing in the back of his throat. Sableye jumped backwards from the black lizard, eyes glowing on and off rhythmically to try to put him to sleep. Cinder merely grinned, shooting a stream of burning embers at his enemy. As said enemy was motionless and concentrating on trying to use Hypnosis, the attack hit her full on, embers scorching the ghost across her whole body. With a high pitched screech, Sableye stood her ground, ghostly tendrils of purple wrapping around her body protectively. Suddenly, they shot outwards like streamers, grabbing Cinder roughly and wrapping him in their eerie glow. Despite his distance from the attack Adam could still feel the numbing effects of the attack—it felt as if his muscles were stabbed with cold, icy pins.

“Metal Claw it quick!” yelled Adam, annoyed by the attack.

With a roar of acknowledgement, Cinder staggered forwards quickly, his claw stiffening as he moved. As his claws began to glow, he launched himself into the air, throwing off the Night Shade attack as he plummeted downwards. The glowing claw met its mark, tearing a huge gash on the Sableye’s oversized head. But Cinder wasn’t done. Spinning around to face his foe, he opened his maw and sunk his milky white fangs deep into his opponent's mauve flesh. With a last shriek of agony, the Sableye toppled over, lying motionless on the rocky floor.

“Well done Char—Cinder!” congratulated Adam, spraying potion over Cinder’s wounds. As an afterthought, he sprayed a little onto Sableye too.

-“Heh, I sure kicked his ***!”- laughed Cinder happily, shaking his small arms in imitation of a boxer.

“Ok, note to self; compliments make Cinder go crazy. Anyway, do Sableye’s even have asse-”

Adam’s anatomical contemplation was tragically cut off mid-sentence by a large yellow duck hitting him on his head. Hard.


********

Adam rubbed his head, glaring at the Psyduck who had caused him his head wound. He wore a pair of rounded sunglasses, and he was carrying a familiar red surfing board under one of his glossy canary-coloured arms. It was rather hard to see his expression, as his mouth was billed, and his eyes were covered by the reflective surface of sunglasses. Cinder looked like he was sitting on the oft thin line between amusement and annoyance, eyeing Psydelus carefully.

-“Sorry for banging into you human, but it’s hard to see where you’re going when you surf over rocks in a dark cave,”- he quacked happily, rubbing his head with his webbed hand.

“Oh I don’t know, I’m sure your sunglasses helped you navigate!” replied Adam venomously, finally picking himself up with another glare at Psydelus.

-“So… You two are going on a pokémon journey right?”- Psydelus asked quickly, changing the subject as fast as possible.

Adam sighed deeply, but a small smile betrayed the fact that his mood was improving, either because he’d recovered from the shock, or because he was thinking about being a trainer. Before he could answer however, Cinder stepped in.

-“Yeah, we’ve already earned a badge, and we’re here to beat Brawly! It’s only me on the team so far though, he’s a bit picky about who joins,”- Cinder informed him, beaming with pride.

-“So you’re pretty good huh?”- asked Psydelus.

-“Sure! Why, I haven’t lost a single battle yet!”- exclaimed Cinder, puffing out his chest with pride.

-“I’ve been honing my battle skills recently, and while I’m not as good at it as I am at surfing, I’ve gotten quite good. If you’re as good as you say then you shall make a worthy opponent. How about it?”- asked the duck pokémon, adjusting his sunglasses to a more “cool” position.

Adam glanced sideways at Cinder, who seemed to be contemplating the offer on a deep level; or he was trying to give off that expression anyway. After a few minutes of mock thought, he nodded towards Adam and gestured towards Psydelus, as if asking “what do you think?”.

“Go for it,” Adam said to Cinder, before turning to Psydelus. “So, where do you want to battle then?”

-“I know a place around here—nothing but Corphish visit there, it’ll be quiet enough,”- he quacked merrily. -“Follow me.”-

Shrugging, the pair followed the bright creamy shape of Psyduck through endless tunnels. As they walked on, the rock started to twist and turn in on itself, causing huge dips and narrow passages. They turned sharply and came to a rough, rugged opening in the rock face. Looking out, they could see a small strip of sandy beach, protected from the wind by huge protrusions of cliff on either side. The tide was just coming out, leaving the sand spongy and damp with moisture. As such, the three landed softly, and ready for battle.

Cinder and Psydelus each took separate sides of the sandy battlefield, Psydelus relaxed and Cinder posing dramatically. With a loud quack, Psydelus declared the battle had begun.

“Try an Ember, Cinder.”

The small lizard acquiesced, firing a condensed beam of embers at the stationary Psyduck. Instead of dodging and returning fire, which was what Adam expected, the canary bird shot through the scorching attack in a head-first lunge that struck his opponent in the gut, sending the Charmander sprawling across the damp sand. Making the most of his advantage, the singed Psyduck opened his bill wide and shot a spear of icy water crashing into Cinder’s unprotected side.

“Cut through it with Metal Claw!” called Adam.

Grunting with effort, Charmander extended his two tiny hands together, the claws pressing together with a light, grayish aura glowing through them. Charging forwards, the energized nails split the jet of water into a glorious veil of white wrath surrounding the charging salamander. Finally, the attack connected with the Psyduck’s jaw, hurling him backwards and ending his attack. While he was recovering, Cinder landed three heavy blows on Psydelus, ruffling his feathers and staining his breast with blood.

Charmander leaped upwards, climbing one of the vast stretches of granite that lay around them. From high above, he could see the duck had mostly recovered, and was charging another Water Gun attack. Time to act, then. Powering up a second Metal Claw, Cinder hurled himself from his protective ledge. His body twisted athletically as he fell, turning constantly as he tracked the movements of his feathered opponent. Just before collision, he was hit with a heavy blast of water, soaking his delicate dark skin with cursed water. He could feel himself drop unconscious, but it was too late for Psydelus; his momentum would be enough to knock out the billed creature now. And it was; the two collided heavily, forcing each deep into the soaked sand beneath them.

Adam jogged over, worried about the two pokémon. They were both knocked out cold, lying recumbent on the private beach. Reaching out a pokéball, he withdrew Cinder into the metal sphere for easy transportation to the pokécenter. Still, what about the Psyduck? It didn’t seem right to leave him here, and he’d used the last potion back in Granite cave. Perhaps he should catch the guy? After all, he could let him go once he was healed….

-“Go ahead dude…”- muttered Psydelus blearily, his eyes opening a fraction.

The young trainer knew what the Psyduck meant. Unclipping one from his belt, he dropped the silver pokéball.


The End of Chapter 10

Sike Saner
8th October 2005, 8:06 PM
Woo-hoo, caught this one as soon as it came out! :D


“Why not call it salt cave?” muttered Adam, walking deeper into the cave.

-“Or damp, water-dripping hell,” laughed Cinder a little bitterly, jogging to keep up with Adam and wincing every time a drop of water hit him.

*snickers* Funny, and kind of cute, too. ^_^


“Ok, note to self; compliments make Cinder go crazy. Anyway, do Sableye’s even have asse-”

XD


Charging forwards, the energized nails split the jet of water into a glorious veil of white wrath surrounding the charging salamander.

O_O Well, that was cool…

Cinder vs. Psydelus was one of your very best battle scenes, IMO. And have some happy points for the use of Sableye, too. ^_^ But... *sniffles* Wehhhh, because your description of Night Shade pwns the one I've been using...


Funny though, I didn't notice any typo's when I read TOoS...

That would be due to the fact that each chapter thereof has been subjected to proofreading MANY TIMES in the fashion particular to the clinically obsessive-compulsive. I still go back and proofread that thing from time to time…

Elemental Charizam
9th October 2005, 6:53 PM
Good chapter. I liked it.

BTW. Since I have reviewed your fic, would you please consider reviewing and rating mine?
Some people would accuse you of advertising, what with the request being longer than the actual review :p But I shall in any case, as soon as I get time in the reviewing zone.


yeah, I have been "thinking" of reviewing for some time now. But everybody does, right? Seriously, I like that line. You know I like T&T and that fic would be proud to accomodate a line like that. Very classy, yet pretty damn funny wsecraking line. Thanks to Sike for pointing that out after it escaped my attention.


The breeze whipped her long brown hair around her face, and ocean spray tickled her face gently. A pale serpentine dragon had coiled itself around the metal banisters, singing a soft song that lulled through the silence of the deck, the beautiful symphony attracting a small audience behind them.

I would like to draw attention to this line, one of many such in this fic. This kind of lines are the most underestimated lines in fics, IMO. Unlike other lines, which help to flesh out the story, these lines show off your writing ability, as well as descriptive ability. Poetic, yet short and sweet, all the while adding a touch of superfluousness that I love very much.


-“That doesn’t even make sense!”- exclaimed Charmander.

“She might be delirious from that Rock tomb,” suggested Adam.

-“Maybe she’s drunk on power?”- speculated Charmander.

“Maybe she’s drunk?” offered Adam.

-“Maybe,”- laughed Charmander.

-“I can hear you two, so shut up!”- yelled Totodile huffily.

“How can I refuse a demand like that?” mocked Adam.

Nice one. Sarcastic humour again. Well done with that.

The battles were nicely fleshed out, and I doubt tat yo could have done very much more with them. You did use the same words twice in close proximity at times, but that is merely me nitpicking, and can hardly be considered a fault.

I do have to say that you have improved tremendously from the last time, and I have to "reluctantly" rescind my comments about you in the summer awards thread. I came in here to see how well you are writing right now, and I was pleased to be pleasently surprised, and I take nothing away from you. Actually, I am a realistic person, and I praise what I like, and I do like this work. Expect to see my nomination for yo in the summer fic awards soon. Do carry on the good writing.
O_O Well I can't say i was expecting THAT after the Summer Awards thread... Thanks for the review Skorpion. By the way, I don't ever get jealous, I get even ;)

Yey! Punctual Sike! *hands paper cookies*

Yeah, I was quite happy with how that battle turned out - Cinder & Psydelus seem to work together well. I bet your nightshade description isn't worse though; I like mine and all, but it isn't very true to the name :/


That would be due to the fact that each chapter thereof has been subjected to proofreading MANY TIMES in the fashion particular to the clinically obsessive-compulsive. I still go back and proofread that thing from time to time…
So you might say there were schifty five typos before that hard proofreading work? ;)

Tale
24th October 2005, 9:26 PM
Finally! Looks like I caught up; which means only one thing!
I have more spare time than you! *Pokes tongue* either that or I sit at my computer WAY too much...which I suppose is the most likely situation.

As mentioned many times before I found your description improved and improved throughout the fic, getting better and better even though it was decent to begin with.
I love this fic, it has to be the only journey fic I've stuck to reading and the most entertaining.
The characters are fantastic (especially the Pokemon - Psydelus and Cinder in particular. I sincerely hope Psydelus remains on the team =D) and you've really given them seperate personalities which is always looked for in a story.
The plot, very entertaining and these interludes really keeps one reading for knowledge of an interesting plot ocurring (unless they were just random events that have nothing to do with the story whatsoever >>; which I doubt...).
The style of writing is also highly entertaining, easy to read and perfectly understandable amidst all the description you do give - which is an amazing talent to retain.

Spotted a small amount of typos which dont really matter to be honest.

As I said, I love this fic and it never fails to inspire me to write myself.
Well bloody done EC! Well bloody done!
*Waits for next chappy*

Elemental Charizam
3rd December 2005, 10:48 PM
Tale: Thanks for the review! As you've left, I won't reply lengthily, just let you know I appreciate the support.

Just to let you know, due to time constraints, this fic is now on temporary hiatus. The Interlude will turn upover Christmas, probably with another chapter. Thanks for reading!

katiekitten
5th January 2006, 10:37 PM
I have been staring at your banner for some time, I finally got around to reading your story. Very well done! I enjoyed it immensely. :)

There were a few typos, here and there, but I can't really remember them now... They were in earlier chapters. Your description is very good, your strong points battles and pokemon. The swellow scene has stuck in my mind, you did a very good job with that.

On the description note, I feel that you could describe the surroundings a little more. I can imagine the characters perfectly, (nice personalities for the pokemon! :)) But I do have a little problem with the surroundings. In the latest chapters there was an improvement, but in the earlier ones I felt a lacking. Probably just me though. :)

I like how this story is panning out, I am realizing from it what makes a full long story. With mine, it will always be short because I introduced only one plot line, with some twists, but there isn't much there to grow on. I will have to work on that...

A very good piece of writing, I look forward to the next installment! *thumbs up*

The True Champion
6th January 2006, 4:13 AM
I like this story alot it is very interesting and your writing makes me want to keep on reading. I didn't seem to notice any typos but it doesn't really matter because your fic is awsome. I like the part about april and then seeing her again i am looking forward to seeing her part in your fic. As for cinder he is very orginal and same with totodile, what i have seen of slakloth he seems like a kick *** pokemon who won't take carp from any one even his own trainer. I hope that when he becomes Vigorath he devealops a greater bond with George. Now to Psydelus he most be the coolest Psyduck ever i have always hated what the show did to Psyduck like what water pokemon can't swim but what ever back to Psydulus he is so cool like what trainer good say i have a surfing Psyduck, i hope that you have Adam keep him because he is the coolest...... well second to Cinder at least, I hope that Adam does get to keep him because he definitly should have a psychic type on his team and Psydelus is perfect!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking ofrward to the next chapter because I really what to see the next gym battle and if Psydulus does stay on Adam's team I can't wait to see him kick *** against Brawly's pokemon. Keep up the good work!!!!!

Elemental Charizam
9th January 2006, 7:08 PM
I have been staring at your banner for some time, I finally got around to reading your story. Very well done! I enjoyed it immensely.
Yey! I'm glad you enjoyed it - special thanks for reviewing too =D


There were a few typos, here and there, but I can't really remember them now... They were in earlier chapters.
Yeah :3 Now Chibi is offering her brilliant betaing services, the many typos and such I make are swept away. I'll give some of the older chapters a looking over to see if I can find anything...


On the description notw, I feel that you could describe the surroundings a little more. I can imagine the characters perfectly, (nice personalities for the pokemon! ) But I do have a little problem with the surroundings.
Thanks fot the advice :D I'll try and increase the clarity of the surroundings without increasing the actual amount of description there, if you see what I mean.


like this story alot it is very interesting and your writing makes me want to keep on reading. I didn't seem to notice any typos but it doesn't really matter because your fic is awsome.
Thanks for the review The True Champion, I appreciate the feedback!


As for cinder he is very orginal and same with totodile, what i have seen of slakloth he seems like a kick *** pokemon who won't take carp from any one even his own trainer.
I'm glad you like the pok&#233;mon, as characterization is one of my weak points usually ^^ I love that phrase too... 'Won't take carp from anyone' XD


Now to Psydelus he most be the coolest Psyduck ever i have always hated what the show did to Psyduck like what water pokemon can't swim
Yeah; I always wondered why Misty didn't just givet hers a few asprin. And Golduck just look so darn cool... Glad you like the surfing duck :)

Thanks again to both of you for the reviews, which were inspiring enough to push me over my self inflicted writers block for this fic. As a reslt, here's the next interlude, brimming with crapp- I mean GOOD horror.

*flees*


~Interlude Two: The Culling~The tall, shadowlike Xalo descended towards the distant light of the town below. Their bodies were shrouded completely by massive cloaks that billowed and coiled in the chill air. A shaft of moonlight splintered briefly through the dense cloud above, illuminating the malevolent, curved shapes of naked daggers that hung in wait by the side of each Xalo warrior. Beside them, ghostly wraiths whispered their way through the pale forest, chattering and snickering eagerly as they anticipated the bloodshed that was to come. They wove tendrils of damp, groping mist that obscured all signs of their presence, a deathly shroud that swam to cover the cheery face of the town ahead.

They soon came upon the paved road that led to the village, which was veiled for the most part by the ethereal mist of the ghosts. From what little could be seen of it, the village was a typical of the area; two story houses made of firm granite and capped with slated roofs. An eerie silence permeated the air; an ignored omen of things to come. As predicted, the town offered no resistance as they entered; the occupants were mostly asleep in bed, oblivious to the presence of the strangers. Drawing their daggers, the Xalo split into several groups, each creeping up to one of the large houses bordering the main street, hiding in the gardens. The main group hid in the bushes surrounding the mansion. Crouched low, one man reached out a blackened hand, and knocked loudly on the wooden door. Somebody swore from inside, before turning the lights on in one of the upstairs rooms. In the silence that followed, the shadows converged beside the Xalo, twisting into distinct, horrific shapes.

The most common was Sableye; an imp like creature with a spiked oval head and huge grasping claws tipped with vicious, serrated ivory claws. Octagonal eyes like murderous diamonds glanced around greedily, and the assembled Sableye broke into wide smiles full of knife-edged teeth as they sensed the prey drawing closer. Around them, Duskull hung like bloated corpses, their pallid gray flesh torn and rotting. Smooth, twisted skull faces stood out from the folds of their skin, illuminated by a single red eye that rolled between two cavernous sockets. A whole menagerie of different, though less numerous, pok&#233;mon appeared throughout the village, lurking impatiently for the signal.

After what seemed like an age, the grand mansion door was shoved open with an indignant squeal. A tall, middle aged man stood in the doorway, a lavish scarlet nightgown wrapped around him as he strode angrily into the garden, looking around with mixed feelings of rage and puzzlement. Shivering as an icy gust pulled at his white hair, he turned his back on the hidden men with an indignant mumble. An instant later, and the Xalo leapt up either side of him, stilettos flashing murderously as they cut through his wrinkled skin, ribbons of blood spurting from multiple wounds. A single, shrill shriek shattered the silence, and then the man was dead in a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.

All over the village, doors burst open, people gazing out blearily before being enveloped in dark, crackling tentacles of energy or being cut apart by the deadly knives of the Xalo. Screams tore the air desperately as villagers were culled mercilessly. Man and ghost alike burst into house after house, searching relentlessly for the desired sacrifice, but to no avail. The ferocity of the search was boundless, all thoughts of stealth forgotten.


*********
On the outskirts of the village, the hospital waiting room teemed with men, women and children who had escaped the massacre that was still taking place. Many were injured, either by their attempts to escape or by the mysterious attackers. Those that couldn’t walk were strapped to one of the huge, creamy brown birds that usually transported medicine to the town. The Pidgeot were uncomfortable inside the crowded room, and their large pink talons scratched noisily across the tiles, doing nothing to alleviate the panicking masses. April watched tearfully as her father and mother secured her younger brother between the wings of a jittery female avian.

As the last of the injured were prepared, a police officer made her way to the front of the crowd, her raven hair stuck to her face with sweat. The terrified audience glanced at the woman expectantly, and April could see her steeling herself. After confirming that everyone was ready to leave, she pulled herself up, raising her voice to be heard over the hysterical sobs that racked the room.

“I know you are all scared, and many of you have lost loved ones, but we must flee as quickly and silently as possible if we are to reach the safety of one of the neighboring towns,” she announced loudly, her voice shaking slightly. “I’ll lead us through the woods and into Davak. Our pursuers will have a hard time following us there.”

And then she was gone, bursting through the doors, followed swiftly by streams of desperate people. April was caught up and swept along, forced into a desperate run to stop herself being trampled to death. She held her mother’s hand tightly as her father broke away to the right of the crowd, reaching for a segmented red and white sphere that hung at his belt. Running sideways so his body would shield the dying town from the light that shot from the pok&#233;ball in his hand. He quickly rejoined the others as the glow faded, leaving the majestic form of Dragonite.

His muscled bulk was coloured a dark canary that stood out in the dark night like a dulled beacon. Small, emerald wings unfolded from his back, and he took to the air in a rush of wind, sailing high above the dashing forms of the Pidgeot. His rounded face surveyed the bloodied village with wise eyes, growling under his breath. Were it not for his duties as the group’s sentinel, he would have dearly liked to return the insult to those that had destroyed the home of his trainer, crushing the life from their veins with his massive, dexterous tail. Instead he kept a watchful eye scanning the ground below for any signs of the ghosts.

As the group entered the forest, he was forced to keep his distance from them by the spidery branches of the trees that arched over the dusty trail below. He felt uneasy being separated from the virtually defenseless humans scurrying below, but there was nothing he could do but stay alert. As it happened, he did not have to look long before he caught a glimpse of something moving through the trees; a dark wisp that glowed like a purple pyre of flame in the night. Searing with unbridled rage, Dragonite threw back his head, summoning his element. A green tongue of dragon fire lashed out from his mouth, licking the specter’s body painfully, burning its gaseous form as it howled in pain. It soon fell away through the trees, but the dragon could sense others approaching even in his moment of victory. It had been a long, painful night for them all.

He suspected it would get worse.


The End Of Interlude Two

mindripper
9th January 2006, 10:09 PM
This is your review for your 2nd interlude. As you have amply stated, you did review my stuff, and the least I can do is to repay you in coin. I will pick out what I liked/disliked, and I will firstly state that I distance my mind from whatever BS I am slinging at you on the other threads, and however you interpret what I say is at your own discretion. On with the review.

nak
ed daggers that hung naked

Word repetition there.


Mist wove its way behind them

From this line, I instinctively gathered that you sued a personification of "mist", but I do not think that was the case. It does not flow well the way it is right now. I think you should be able to change it yourself.


which was veiled for the most part by the ethereal mist of the ghosts

Nothing wrong with this, but I feel that you passed up the chance to do something even more impactful with this. Flesh it out more; have the mist swirling around the ghosts. Have the ghosts' malevolent eyes playing hide and seek with the story's viewpoint. Describe your ghosts from head to knee, and conclude that their feet were lost in the mists, or that perhaps... Get waht I mean? Fill in that line yourself.


Shivering as an icy gust pulled his white hair

"Pulled at", ok?


I know you are all scared, and many of you have lost loved ones, but we must flee as quickly and silently as possible if we are to reach the safety of one of the neighboring towns,” she announced loudly, her voice shaking slightly. “I’ll lead us through the woods and into Davak. Our pursuers will have a hard time following us there.”

And then she was gone, bursting through the doors, followed swiftly by streams of desperate people

Something seems wrong with this. These people are supposed to be scared witless. They seemed like they are in some lethargic spell instead of being utterly terrified. You should have an out burst. FOr example, your room is entirely silent at the start, with everyone looking at everyone else, deciding if what had happened was a dream or not. Zoom and focus on one face, and then move on to another, and then another. Suddenly, have someone start screaming in the midst of the deafening silence. Link that to what you have and fit it in somehow, and the emotions would be conveyed better.

Those were the parts I had problems with. Other than that, the interlude was actually pretty well done. You seem to have improved from what I remember of you, although I admit that my perception could have been coloured by certain "events". I take nothing away from your control of the environmental factors, and that you did not merely resort to gratituitous violence. I was playing RE4 just now, and this one reminds me slightly of RE2, except that the situation you depicted did not seem utterly hopeless. A little SH feeling as well. I like it that you described each pokemon's standout feature, and then moved on quickly. Something that others, including myself, seem to have forgotten at times. It was pretty short, and so i end here. Till next time.

EDIT-- Do clear your inbox. My next review and any others in the future will be PMed to you, if you would like them.

Elemental Charizam
11th January 2006, 8:03 PM
Clearing my inbox is a hard task, as I find the text only versions hard to read, and I like to have the most memorable ready to read. But ok, I shall clear room, though PMing reviews is an awfully strange concept o.O

On to the actual review replying thing...


Word repetition there.
So there is; I meant to say something totally different there XD


From this line, I instinctively gathered that you sued a personification of "mist", but I do not think that was the case. It does not flow well the way it is right now. I think you should be able to change it yourself.
I didn't really intend to personify mist, more to imply that the ghosts were weaving it, and thus its source. I'll go change that in a second.


Nothing wrong with this, but I feel that you passed up the chance to do something even more impactful with this. Flesh it out more; have the mist swirling around the ghosts. Have the ghosts' malevolent eyes playing hide and seek with the story's viewpoint. Describe your ghosts from head to knee, and conclude that their feet were lost in the mists, or that perhaps... Get waht I mean? Fill in that line yourself.
I wasn't kidding in that line; they really ARE ethereal... as in, even the few ghosts' that DO have feet don't have them in this form, and they don't have eyes as such either. I described them later on, but now they were exactly as I described them - wraith like. As it was a fairly fast paced sort of thing, I tried not to slow down the pace too much with needless repetition of words like 'malevolent'.


Something seems wrong with this. These people are supposed to be scared witless. They seemed like they are in some lethargic spell instead of being utterly terrified. You should have an out burst. FOr example, your room is entirely silent at the start, with everyone looking at everyone else, deciding if what had happened was a dream or not. Zoom and focus on one face, and then move on to another, and then another. Suddenly, have someone start screaming in the midst of the deafening silence. Link that to what you have and fit it in somehow, and the emotions would be conveyed better.
Well, most of them were shellshocked, but many had burst into tears; I was trying to demonstrate the different reactions whilst keeping it brief. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll review the scene, maybe lengthen it, but not in the way you described. After all, then I'd be writing your fic :P


Other than that, the interlude was actually pretty well done.
No need to sound so suprised ;)

Anyway, thanks for the helpful review Mindripper!

Sike Saner
11th January 2006, 10:47 PM
The most common was Sableye; an imp like creature with a spiked oval head and huge grasping claws tipped with vicious, serrated ivory claws. Octagonal eyes like murderous diamonds glanced around greedily, and the assembled Sableye broke into wide smiles full of knife-edged teeth as they sensed the prey drawing closer. Around them, Duskull hung like bloated corpses, their pallid gray flesh torn and rotting. Smooth, twisted skull faces stood out from the folds of their skin, illuminated by a single red eye that rolled between two cavernous sockets. A whole menagerie of different, though less numerous, pok&#233;mon appeared throughout the village, lurking impatiently for the signal.

FWEE for the nifty description of the Ghosts. Did a nice job of making both Sableye and Duskull seem both dangerous and creepy; even kind of icky...

But I still think Sableye and Duskull are really pretty cute, and I always will. ^^

Now, Dusclops, on the other hand... o~o

...But I digress.


An instant later, and the Xalo leapt up either side of him, stilettos flashing murderously as they cut through his wrinkled skin, ribbons of blood spurting from multiple wounds. A single, shrill shriek shattered the silence, and then the man was dead in a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.

Fweeeee, murder most fun! *chuckles unwholesomely and does giddy dance* Ah, but you you surely must know that that's something I always like to see. Come on, you have to admit that was pretty cool. ^^ LET THE BLOOD FLOW! :D


So you might say there were schifty five typos before that hard proofreading work? ;)

No, actually there were schfifty-five and heif. :3

katiekitten
12th January 2006, 10:54 PM
Pretty good interlude, Elemental! I felt in the moment, I especially liked your description of the Pokemon. On the description front, excellent! I could see it all, it was brilliant.

Keep it up! :)

Tale
18th January 2006, 8:06 PM
...

I love your fic. I love it so much.

What an interllude! Have I mentioned how your fic inspires me so? How it pops so many questions into my head, questions I want answered.

This interlude produced such an amazing atmosphere, such an amazing thrill. I loved it! The Pokemon used, the description of it all, the characters created. It does so much.

My most dearly loved part of the chapter is from where Dragonite appears. He is so freaking cool! For some strange reason, I love dhow you made him soar above the Pigeotto - that image was just so awesome. His authority was well portrayed, and highly interesting. Everything about this interlude posed so many questions.

Loved it loved it loved it loved it. You HAVE to hurry with the next chapter EC! Please!

Ray_League_Champion
19th January 2006, 10:08 PM
Greetings everyone especially Elemental Charizard!

What more can I say, one of the best journey fics I have read. The characters are superb; I love Cinder's personality, his cheekiness has brought several smiles to my face! I like Totodile as well and her rivalry with Cinder is one of the best parts of the fic.

I was wondering though if you could develop the main characters of George and Adam a bit more. So far we don't know much about them as people. I really like Slakoth's boss-man attitude complemented with the fact that he falls asleep at every available oppurtunity.

Watch out for a few spelling mistakes here and there.

I love the interludes as well you would hardly ever see them even in books yet I love the concept of side stories that are actually woven together with the main plot. Your interlude in particular is great. I was actually shivering in fear after that last one! (Okay maybe a bit of an exageration but it still spooked me!)

Great fic and I will enjoy reading it 11/10!

;239;

Elemental Charizam
21st January 2006, 4:34 PM
Wow, that's a lot of reviews! Thanks to everybody!

Review Answering Post:
Sike:

FWEE for the nifty description of the Ghosts. Did a nice job of making both Sableye and Duskull seem both dangerous and creepy; even kind of icky...

But I still think Sableye and Duskull are really pretty cute, and I always will. ^^

Now, Dusclops, on the other hand... o~o
Darn, I knew I should've gone for the Dusclops - but Duskull look so much more evil, with that rolling red eye... Dusclops just look like they have a bad pair of grey pajamas on. Glad you liked them though, even if they were cute XD


LET THE BLOOD FLOW!
I thought you might like the gory aspects :D


No, actually there were schfifty-five and heif. :3
Foiled by technicalities!

Tale:

...

I love your fic. I love it so much.

What an interllude! Have I mentioned how your fic inspires me so? How it pops so many questions into my head, questions I want answered.
Glad it's inspiring, though why you love it somuch is still beyond me Tale :P But I'm glad the Interlude raised quewstions, as that's one of their main aims.


My most dearly loved part of the chapter is from where Dragonite appears. He is so freaking cool! For some strange reason, I love dhow you made him soar above the Pigeotto - that image was just so awesome. His authority was well portrayed, and highly interesting. Everything about this interlude posed so many questions.
I'm glad you like the Dragonite, as he features quite a bit in the nrext few Interludes :D

Ray League Champion:

What more can I say, one of the best journey fics I have read. The characters are superb; I love Cinder's personality, his cheekiness has brought several smiles to my face! I like Totodile as well and her rivalry with Cinder is one of the best parts of the fic.

I was wondering though if you could develop the main characters of George and Adam a bit more. So far we don't know much about them as people. I really like Slakoth's boss-man attitude complemented with the fact that he falls asleep at every available oppurtunity.
Yeah, it seems I have the problem opposite to that many authors have; no personality in the humans rather than the pokémon. Well, I still like them, but I'll continue character development in the next chapter. The problem may be that George is supposed to be a very normal character, though I guess not as adam suffers from the same critiscism... *rambles on* Thanks for the advice!

Really appreciate the reviews everuybody! Just a quick update: so far I've done half a page of the new Chapter, though I hope to do more today :D

IceKing
28th January 2006, 7:42 PM
[Chapter Seven Review


-“Nice tangent guv’nor. Back on topic, you know I was thinking that maybe once we’ve got a few badges under our belts it might be best to cut from the crowd; take a different route through the gyms than others,”- said Charmander.

EWW! BRITISH HUMOR! *GOUGES OUT EYES* That would be nice if they did take a different route from the norm, adds a bit more originality. This chapter was good, I love your style of writing and Chibi Pika is an effective beta, spotted no mistakes whatsoever. I wish you kinda explained things more than summarizing them (the latter part being a skill I need) like their training and walking to the gym. Show more of their feelings and emotions rather than just rush them into the battle. I'd like to see a bit more in between gym battles. As for the battles, they were nicely described but the first one went by WAAAAAY too quickly and Roxanne posed no threat whatsoever. She should have a bit more personality as well; she's kinda dull and her speech seems rather rehearsed, though her "Oh hell..." line was rather funny

Charmander learning metal claw at the rock gym is so overdone its not funny. I actually skipped the battle thinking I read it before! You gotta great writing style, dont harm it with unoriginality. But I know this fic is going to get VERY interesting so I'm not worried

Chapter Eight

Hah! So they have nicknames now, aye? I liked the part where Adam said how cliche Flare and Flame were. One strength you have in this fic is that the pokemon have nice personalities, as shown by their ability to speak. I wasn't too fond of the start, too many one liner dialogues for a section, I wonder what they did on their visit home o_0? I can see your Britishness in your writing style, which I quite like since it keeps me hooked. Favorite part was definetely the Dratini VS Gyarados. I thought the girl was one of the bad guys and trying to destroy the ship *coughs and looks away* then I realized she was just trying to capture the gyarados. Very nicely described, Adam and George need to give her a nice telling off for nearly wrecking the ship though. Wonder what was with that surfing psyduck, that was rather random.

Chapter Nine


-“I thought an accent gave me more personality, you know, to go with my name and all…”-


....XD


A white baseball cap adorned his head, with the traditional Houenn half-pokéball symbol sown in black thread. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt with a discreet white ‘ᇘ’ logo in the right corner. His black pokéball bearing belt had six metallic spheres attached in their shrunken forms, though only one was occupied. Underneath he wore pale grey sports trousers and a pair of shiny white running shoes.

Don't go too all out on the clothes. Whats the white logo supposed to be? And also, your misspelling Hoenn or Hoeen. I dont know how its spelled either, I just know theres no u.


She was wearing a black t-shirt and long dark trousers, which looked uncomfortable in this

I second that o_0


Another nice chapter, you portrayed the atmosphere of the city very well, I could feel the heat on my own neck. Was the muscle guy Brawly? I thought he was because of the light blue hair, but I figured someone would have pointed that out in the chapter. I forgot Charmander was black but not shiny, I'll bet a million dollars (or pounds) that it has to do with the plot. The battle was rather random but interesting, not as good as Dratini VS Gyarados though. The dream was definetely the best part of this chapter, very intriguing and adds more to Charmander's position in the plot. I can only wonder I suppose... Anyway, good job and good luck! As for critique, watch out for the cliches and that's pretty much it. Description was goood as well

Chapter Ten review


“The government should really do something about Houenn’s huge underground tree problem,” choked Adam, spitting a mouthful of salty soil onto the floor.

Like Britainland needs to do something with the excessive monocle problem!



“Yeah, it’s a conspiracy alright.”


A conspiracy like Britainland and they're...*gets shot*



“Calm down, the only way this Sableye would kill somebody is by tickling them to death,”

Or gouging their eyes out


-“Heh, I sure kicked his ***!”- laughed Cinder happily, shaking his small arms in imitation of a boxer.
GASP! HE USED A BAD WORD!


Adam’s anatomical contemplation was tragically cut off mid-sentence by a large yellow duck hitting him on his head. Hard.

I foudn that to be funny. Very funny.[/B]


eyeing Psydelus carefully.

how does he learn his name


The young trainer knew what the Psyduck meant. Unclipping one from his belt, he dropped the silver pokéball.

And there we go! He catches a pokemon


Nice chapter again, good battles especially, and we saw some interaction between George and Slakoth. I like your choices for pokemon so far, they aren't too common and are rather interesting. I kinda wanted Adam to get Sableye since I love Sableye, but a surfing Psyduck seems like it will have much more entertaining results. Did it steal its surfboard from a human or something? The Charmander VS Sableye was described beautiful though the Charmander VS Psyduck was a bit short, only a few pargraphs. Your battles can be very nice at their best levels, I can hardly await the gym battle. I like how short your chapters are, keep it like that =P Goodbye!


Interlude 2 Review


a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.


Should be pool. You sure can do some good horror if you want to, you'll be a formidable opponent in ToT.



This interlude wasn't as "wow" as the first one, but it was still very good and chilling. Watch out, sometimes there can be too many details at once in this interlude making it kinda hard to read. I personally wish you made things a bit more gruesome, though the ghosts devouring the man's flesh was rather nice. Everytime I hear Xalo Warrior I keep thinking Xiao Lin Warrior! It was nice to see April back, I'm guessing she'll be an important part to the interludes. I also like how you keep your interludes nice and short, I might do something like that for WIQ since I originally planned it.


Overall fic review: Its going nicely but still has room for cranking up! Good luck writing!


IceKing....out

Ray_League_Champion
1st March 2006, 11:10 PM
I know this is a bit of a spammy post but I was really gettin into this fic and am really missing it. Any idea on when the next chapter will be up?

Elemental Charizam
7th August 2006, 3:06 AM
More than half of the latest chapter is done, I just can't get at it at the moment. Expect it to be udated relatively soon! (A few weeks :P).

Does anyone still care? No?

Didn't think so.

Ace13
7th August 2006, 4:03 AM
I stil care god dammit hurry you donkey j/k

Venastois
7th August 2006, 3:08 PM
wow, this is one of the better fix that i read. the interludes are great, no one else has them... though if you dont post the next one soon, i'll sick my sableye on you. ;)

anyway, i'm kind of a closet reader, so i probably won't post all that much, and even if i do, it might not be a review, but just a commnet.

anyway, great fic and post as soon as possible!

katiekitten
7th August 2006, 8:39 PM
I couldn't care less. XD Just kidding...

That is certainly good news. =D