View Full Version : Human
24th April 2005, 1:01 AM
Well, the moment that a few people have been waiting for has finally arrived. The controversial fic I set out to write has finally been put into production, and the prologue is here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon or any related objects, such as Pokéballs, Pokédex, etc. but I do own Leo, Nero and all other characters associated with "Human"
WARNING: This Fic contains sexual references from the start and may contain sexual scenes or scenes of a sexual theme. Bad language may be applied. For this reason, I'm warning all homophobes to steer clear as homosexuality is one of the key issues acknowledged in this Fic. So basically, if you don't like the idea of gay people, this story isn't for you. Otherwise, keep reading.
Prologue: All Things Lost
Yes, that’s right, child, said a mysterious voice. The boy didn’t know where it was coming from. He looked around, seeing nothing, only shadow in the pitch black he was stuck inside. It’s alright child, do not be afraid, came the voice again. He looked around him once more, again not seeing another person near to him. He began to get worried.
“Who are you?” he asked a tone of worry in his voice. How could he be hearing a voice, when the only thing in the room with him was a small green box? He walked over to the box. But, wait a minute. He couldn’t move. His feet felt as if they were stuck to the floor. Then part of the black wall disappeared, glowing white. Through the white, a figure was appearing, taking shape. When it had finished forming, it resembled someone he knew. Around 5ft 6, it was taller than him. Male, he had strong features, again, reminding the boy of someone he knew. The light turned back into blackness, but somehow, much more of the other boy could be seen. He was just a bit tanned, looking as though he was beginning to fade from once being in a sunny place. He had bright blue eyes, seemingly glowing from within his sockets, contrasting with his pale blond hair. The boy definitely knew this other boy from somewhere. It was Nero, a boy his age from a few houses down. “Why am I having dreams about Nero?” the boy asked himself. Nero walked closer to him, but in slow motion, lulling the boy.
“Leo,” Nero said dreamily, “Leo, look deep.” Then he began to move towards the green box. He didn’t look at Leo once while he was walking towards it, picking the box up. Why can’t I move, Leo kept thinking. Nero opened the box, sending a small white wisp of smoke swirling around the room, until it came in front of Leo. When it came to him, he felt light, as if he was flying, and then he woke up to a bright sun.
“Leo, wake up!” shouted a nagging kind of voice, “You’re going to be late.” Leo sat up, blinking several times in an attempt to make his eyes adjust faster. Looking up with a squint, he saw his mother, Lani. “Come on!” she shouted, hitting his side until he stood up, hiding his embarrassment as he did every morning.
“Do I never get any privacy?” asked Leo, annoyed. His mother never seemed to realize that a man needed some time in the morning to relax, rather than showing off to every random person walking by the window. Seeing as his bedroom was on the third floor, there was no way anyone would see inside, but the principle remained the same.
“What was that, Leo?” Lani asked, not impressed at his attitude. Leo quickly changed his tone into a happier one.
“I meant, umm,” but there was no getting out of this one. He had been rude, usually much more rudeness was punished, but his mother was in a bad mood this morning. He couldn’t understand why, but she was. “What I mean is, good morning mom,” he tried, putting on his best smile. She didn’t look as if she was having any of it at first, but then she seemed to shrug it off and walk around the room to do chores. Leo felt as if he was relaxed enough now to stand up, so he went over to the window and looked out of it. “It’s a great day in Pleasure Island today isn’t it,” he said, sarcastically. It was raining outside, hard enough to break through the ground it seemed. He saw some small brown Pokémon burrowing their way out of the weather. Diglet, they were called, if he remembered correctly. In his home town, Grim Village, it was always raining; at least, it was always raining when there wasn’t a thunderstorm. The last thunderstorm had wiped out half the little village, almost turning it into a hamlet. Either way, this wasn’t the best time to celebrate your sixteenth birthday. How he wished he could get to a nicer place, with sun and blue skies and beaches, where he didn’t have to get up to get his first Pokémon. “Oh my god, I forgot!” he shouted, making his mother jump, “I’m getting my first Pokémon today!” His mother smiled at him from behind the wardrobe door.
“My stupid little numbskull,” she said under her breath. She would miss her little boy, him being the only other person in the house with her, but he needed to experience the outside of this village. It would be great for him, she knew it.
“I’ve got to get ready,” he said, frantically looking around for the clothes he had wanted to wear for this day. “Mom, where are those clothes I put on the shelf to wear?”
“They’re in the kitchen, hanging off the door frame on hangers,” she said, trying to remember this moment as much as she could, “I ironed them this morning.”
“Awww, thanks mom,” he said, enjoying the last few moments he was going to spend with his mom for a while. He ran downstairs to get dressed and ready, not hearing the quiet sobbing coming from the wardrobe, where his mother was crying her eyes out about her only child leaving her.
After getting all his clothes on and all his belongings ready to take with him, he ran upstairs, only to hear his mother crying through a gap in his bedroom door. He slowly and quietly tried to sneakily open the door, but she had already heard him come up and stopped crying altogether. She would never cry in front of her son, too strong and proud a woman to do that. She slowly began to work again, tidying up her son’s room, even though he wouldn’t be using it for a while. Leo walked into his room and straight over to his mother, where he hugged her hard for the last time before he left on his journey. And so it was, he left, to discover new places and friends, and find his true purpose in life, as well as a few surprises too, in the world of Pokémon…
Well, how was that. I know that it was short, but that'll be completely dropped in teh coming chapters. Also, I will gladly make changes to the end part, as i know that isn't anywhere near as good as it could be. But how do you think I have handled things so far. Be cruel *cringes in a corner*
1st May 2005, 7:54 PM
hmm...I like the dream foreshadowing, and I agree with you that it's a bit short, but prologues are allowed to be short, it'll be a different matter if your chapters are this short >.>
This fic seems to be interesting, but I can't really give a rating or review, since it just started...
1st May 2005, 7:57 PM
Thank you for the review Twilight Absol, here is a cookie :) *hands a cookie* The next chapter shouldnt take too long for me to make, so you shouldn't have to wait long for the next chapter.
1st May 2005, 8:25 PM
So far this seems pretty good. The beginning def caught my attention. It was very mysterious. Length was decent for a prolouge. I didn't catch any mistakes but I just woke up but I promise to give better review when the fic starts up with first chapter. See ya then.
1st May 2005, 10:48 PM
Thanks eternaldarkness, I will give you a cookie too. *hands cookie* I may need to get more cookies if this keeps up.
2nd May 2005, 12:59 AM
Ooh, foreshadowment (which isn't a word, but meh). Who is this Nero guy? What is that wisp of white smoke represent? Look deep inside? Mysterious... *nods*
Gawd, that's crappy way to begin a review. ._.; Excuse me for that.
Anyways, I liked the mother for some reason even though she's a minor character. I suppose it's because she's realistic to the mother of today instead of the perky, cliche ones that we see ever so often in a Pokémon fanfic. If Leo stays sarcastic like he was when commenting on the weather, then I'm gonna like him. ^_^
That hug... such a tear-jerked. *sniff* lol.
Mmm yeah, despite it being a regular start for a supposed trainer fic, it's good. I like how everything flows and blends together and how pretty realistic the characters are unlike the perky ones we based on because of the anime.
2nd May 2005, 11:09 AM
Ooh, thank you for the long review Breezy, you deserve a cookie with white chocolate chips as well as milk chocolate. *hands unhealthy cookie to Breezy* But yeah, thanks for the review. I'm not that sure about Leo being sarcastic. He will of course make comments, like everyone does, but I'm still working out the kinks in the characters personalities, so we may see Leo change a little bit, but if you liked Leo's sarcasm, then you'll love one of the other characters.
Nero. Hmm. Nero is going to be a main character and quite an important person in the life of another character. So, yeah, he does have significance. Also, to tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time remembering why I put that white wisp of smoke in, but I'm sure something will jog my memory while I'm writing.
2nd May 2005, 9:02 PM
Okay, as promised, here is Chapter One. This one contains more Pokémon than the Prologue. It's only three pages on MS Word, but the next chapters will be much longer than that.
Chapter 1: Forgiveness
Leo left his home to start his journey, abandoning his mother and his house. Whilst walking through the narrow passages to the small research lab in Grim Village, he noticed the Diglett he had seen from his window that morning. However, this time they weren’t finding shelter, they were battling with a lump of vines wearing shoes.
“Is that a Tangela?” Leo questioned himself. It was. The Tangela was using Absorb on the Diglett, and attack where the Pokémon would use some of their natural power to create an orb of green energy. This energy orb would shoot towards the opponent, draining them of some energy and transporting the energy back to the user, making them stronger. This Tangela wasn’t alone; however, it was joined by a small bird holding a plant of some sort, going by the name Farfetch’d. Also with these two Pokémon were two people. One was a girl and the other was a boy, both wearing similar purple costumes. The also wore bandanas around their eyes, hiding their identity from others. It seemed they were trying to capture these Diglett. Leo thought nothing of it, seeing as most people nowadays were Pokémon trainers of some kind. He carried on his walk until he had come to the small building called the Research Lab. Once inside, he was greeted by a young man with a yellow mouse.
“Pika,” it said, tilting its head to one side in a sign of friendship. It was a Pikachu, belonging to the young man, Professor Alfred Jones.
“Hi Alfie,” said Leo, referring to the man. The man looked down to him with a smile.
“Hello Leonardo,” he began, using Leo’s full name, “You’re a little early. Even Kiele isn’t here yet and you know how she likes to be early for everything.” Leo agreed with him until he heard a sweet voice coming from the door to the research lab.
“Did I hear my name being used in vain?” asked a girl. She had pleasant blond hair, twisted into a braid at the back, reaching down past her deep pink jacket, almost to her equally pink skirt. This was Kiela, one of Leo’s best friends. She looked as neat and tidy as ever, her dominant features being emphasized by the shadows created by the newly found sun outside.
“When did the sun come out?” asked Leo, finding it strange not only that it was sunny in his village, but also that he had not long been out there and it had been pouring with rain.
“It was sunny all the way here Leo,” she replied, looking at him as if he had done something really stupid.
“But then how come my clothes are…” Leo began, before looking down at his clothes and seeing that they were completely dry. “Never mind,” he mumbled, completely confused at this sudden change in weather, and the fact that his clothes had miraculously dried.
“Anyway,” Professor Jones said with a smile, “Now that two of you are here we won’t have to wait long. As soon as the other two get here, we will begin handing out the Pokémon.” Kiela looked at the four Pokéballs on the Professor’s small desk. Leo saw her intent look and knew she wanted a good one. They continued to wait, not talking and leaving the entire room in silence, except for the occasional “Pika” from Professor Jones’ Pikachu. After almost thirty minutes, Leo could tell Kiela was getting bored. She kept looking at her pink Pokégear. Leo thought a Pokégear was a great invention. It was just like a mobile phone, but it also had other attachments, such as a radio option, where the different radio could be listened to whilst on the move. Leo wasn’t exactly having a fun time either, waiting for his other two friends to come. He also wondered why Kiela wasn’t talking to him.
“What’s wrong Kiela?” he asked in the most polite voice he could muster. She looked at him as if she wanted to kill him.
“Don’t remember do you?” she asked, looking down at him. “You don’t remember what you did at my party?” He looked at her while trying to remember what he had done.
“This is all I remember from your party,” he began, trying to get a picture of it in his mind, “I came into your house, stroked your Meowth, and then followed you upstairs. Then we got into your room,” he saw the look on her face while he was talking, “Then you went to get us drinks and I accidentally knocked your china doll off the shelf and….oops,” he said with realization. He hadn’t thought about it till now, but he had broken the doll when he knocked it off and then not told Kiela about it. “Oh god Kiela, I’m sorry. Really, I am, I didn’t mean to knock it off, or not to tell you.” She looked at him and then smiled.
“Ha,” she laughed, “I was waiting for you to apologize, although it didn’t take you anywhere near as long to say you were sorry than it would for most boys. I’m impressed and you’re forgiven.” Leo sighed with relief. He quickly turned his head in the direction of the door when he heard it opening.
“And so the doctor said, ‘pull yourself together’,” came one of the voices, “Isn’t that one of the funniest I’ve told since yesterday?” The male voice continued laughing, until finally walking in through the door, he stopped. The two figures walking in were both male. The first had bright green hair and outrageously bright clothes, almost glowing from the sun outside. The other was a tall, tanned handsome young man. His hair was black and styled into a messy look. It was almost past his ears, not far from where his clothes began. He was wearing a white shirt; open at the top to reveal his tanned chest, toned from his working out. The trousers he wore were black combats, matching both the black sport trainers and the black jacket wrapped around his waist. These boys were Edan and Nero, respectively, the two friends Leo and Kiela had been waiting for.
“What took you so long?” asked Kiela in her usually impatient voice. She never did like waiting, which was why it was so strange that she always liked to be early for everything.
“Never mind that,” said the Professor, walking to his table, “We can finally start now that they are here. Right, there are four Pokémon on this desk, which is pretty obvious to anyone so I don’t know why I’m telling you,” he looked down at the desk and then started again, “You are about to start you Pokémon journey around the land of Frenno.” He picked up a Pokéball from the four, “Now, I have looked at the four of you and decided that, due to your separate personalities, each Pokémon will go together with each of you best. So, firstly, Edan, would you step forward?” The teen walked closer to the man, preparing for what Pokémon he would get.
“I hope it has a big strand of hair,” he said, killing the moment with another of his bad jokes. Nero slapped him round the back of the head, quickly followed by Kiela.
“Don’t mess this moment up with any more of your crap jokes E,” said Nero, coolly abbreviating Edan into E. Kiela looked at Edan with an evil look, signalling that she agreed. Leo found it hard to hold in his laugh at the pathetic attempt at a joke.
“Anyway, getting off that tangent,” inserted the Professor, “The Pokémon I have chosen to match your personality, Edan, is this. Go,” he shouted, throwing the red and white ball into the air. It opened, revealing a bright white light, blinding everybody. When the light cleared, a small blue creature was in the space that was previously empty. It seemed to be muscular, sporting many muscles across the entire body. On its head was some sort of yellow waves, supposed to resemble hair. It was a Machop, with a sombre face on it. It took one look at Edan and his day-glow features, eventually opening his mouth.
“MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHOP, CHOP, CHOP!” he shouted, laughing at his new trainer. Edan became increasingly annoyed at this, especially since his friends had started laughing too.
“Return,” he said, stealing the Pokéball from the Professor, and shooting a transparent red beam at the Machop. The red beam hit him, turning the “Superpower” Pokémon into the same red essence, and then dragging it back into the ball. Edan pressed the small button on it, causing it to shrink into a much smaller ball, which he then put into the knapsack at his side.
“The Machop seemed the perfect choice for you Edan,” said the Professor, “He is energetic, happy, and loves to make every situation a funny one. Anyway, let’s get onto the next Pokémon and its trainer.” He grabbed a second Pokéball from the desk and looked up…
Okay, how was that. I have a plate of cookies prepared for if I get reviews. On another note, I corrected a few errors and extended the last scene on the Prologue, so, that seems better to me.
3rd May 2005, 2:55 AM
Interesting. I can't really give a review (I'm not that good of a reveiwer anyways; too lazy) but I can tell that this is going to be a good trainer fic. I like good trainer fics *raises machiene gun and looks around warily for people who don't* Kepp it up.
3rd May 2005, 3:17 AM
Hmm nice. I'm kind of liking the Mary-Sue feel about Kiela even though she isn't one (just yet anyways, and let's keep it that way ;) ) and the fact that Leo knows that girls don't like to wait for apologizes lol. I also like how he shrugged off the suspcious people in purple trying to catch Diglett unlike some fics where they just have to investigate. Yay, more realism. ^.^ Well, 'cept for that rain bit, but I'm up for any bit of comic relief.
I don't get Edan's joke. =/ I'm not gonna ask either lol. Big strand of hair... *confuzzled times 10* Obviously a lame joker that E lol. And so the infamous Nero appears too. Rather calm and collected, reminding me of Neo from The Matrix movies. Prolly the name though otherwise I would of never thought about it.
Yeah, still a slow start, but that's good. Many rush the beginnings and I like how you elaborate more on the characters and their personalities than just stating how they are in narrative and in a few sentences of dialouge.
Wonder who gets the next Pokémon...?
3rd May 2005, 4:36 PM
Wow, thank you for your reviews.
Black Rayquaza: I'm glad you like it and that you reviewed it even though you don't review usually. *hands cookie* :)
Breezy: Thanks for your comments on both Kiela and the Diglett thing, I tried my best to keep it as real as life gets with Pokémon. That rain thing, hmm. I remember that I put it in as a rainy village, then I wanted to put the sun in the description of Kiela, so I randomly put it there. So, rather than changing the prologue, the strangness that is me decided to make it look as though Leo was going crazy XD Anyways, that was meant to be a Doctor, Doctor joke, but I only put in the last bit. Edan is supposed to be a good joker, just innapropriate, it's me that's the bad joker, lol. *hands two cookies for such a long review*
To the rest of the readers, the next chapter should be up pretty soon. It will show the Pokémon of both Leo and Nero, an elaboration on the people in purple, and also, Edan makes some more jokes, yay.
4th May 2005, 3:09 AM
This story looks okay so far. The beginning was rather generic, though you did manage to spice it up a bit with the dream and going deeper into the emotions of the characters at the time of Leo's departure. The second chapter was really not out of the ordinary either; while you did give the minor characters a bit more flesh and personality than usual, they're still pretty flat.
So far, though, you really haven't had any major problems save for those described above. The only strange canon issue was the proessor's name. Traditionally they're named after trees, of course, and unless there's some particular reason to hold off on this one, there seems no reason to give yours a different one. Typos kept a low profile, and generally puncutation and grammar rules were duly adhered to.
There was something that kept bugging me as I read it, however. The syntax seemed a bit bland and clunky at times, which kind of put me off from the beginning. Basically, I think that your writing could use a bit of pizazz, though it's certainly not bad now. If you can jump it up another notch, you could really have something on your hands. I tried to look through the piece thus far to find a suitable paragraph that I could break down to illustrate what I mean; syntax is a very tricky concept. I eventually settled on the second paragraph of the first chapter. Now, to go through it line by line...
“Is that a Tangela?” Leo questioned himself. It was.
"Questioned" is a very odd speech tag to use. Generally, when you talk about a person questioning, they're doing it in relationship to something else that has already been said. For example, if some person randomly walked up and said, "Hey, that's a Tangela!" you might then have your character respond by questioning it. Thus, you might do something like this...
"Hey, that's a Tanglea!" said random person numero uno.
"Is it really?" Leo questioned, puzzled.
Even there, "questioned" is, well, a questionable choice of wording. "Asked" is almost always better, and is more flexible to boot. Thus, I think you should change the tag to "asked himself."
The Tangela was using Absorb on the Diglett, and attack where the Pokémon would use some of their natural power to create an orb of green energy. This energy orb would shoot towards the opponent, draining them of some energy and transporting the energy back to the user, making them stronger.
I'm sure that you've heard the phrase "show don't tell." This is a perfect example of where you can apply it. The passage above is like something you would find in a textbook; wonderfully informative but not terribly exciting. Why not describe the attack as it's happening? Generally, action is more important than plain description...verbs are often more powerful than adjectives. Now, to look at an example of how this might be rewritten...
"The Diglett, clearly distressed, struggled to escape from the powerful grass-type, but to no avail. Lashing out with its vines, it drew gobbets of life energy from the terrified moles. As each Absorb attack hit its mark, the Tangela appeared more and more energetic, benefitting from the power it leeched from its foes."
Yeah, that was pretty blech, but you get the idea. A little bit of show goes a lot longer than a great deal of tell.
This Tangela wasn’t alone; however, it was joined by a small bird holding a plant of some sort, going by the name Farfetch’d.
This is just misuse of a semicolon; you use the mark only to separate two independent clauses. Therefore, it should be, "This Tangela wasn't alone, however; it was accompanied by a small bird holding a plant of some sort, which went by the name Farfetch'd."
So, overall, you're not doing to bad, but I think that with a little work, this could go far.
4th May 2005, 5:55 PM
Thanks Negrek for your review. *hands cookie* :)
Also, the next chapter shouldn't take long now.
8th May 2005, 9:54 AM
WHOOO! I have...just read it! :3 China doll. xD Mwahahahhaah...
ANYWAY! I like Leo. A lot. >D Kiela is like...as Breezy said, so Mary-Sue she just aint Mary Sue at all. Nero...neh....and Edan. Dun have enough info on them yet to judge them. Still!
I await your next chappie. *salutes*
8th May 2005, 10:04 AM
Lol, thank you xXSaberXx, here is your cookie *hands cookie*
Not long now guys.
18th May 2005, 11:40 PM
Hmm. So lets see... Today is the 18th and you asked me to review it all of 17 days ago... Hehehe. Well, I said it might be a bit late. *tugs at shirt collar*
Yes, but now to the review. I like what you've got so far. I like the way the starters match the people's personalities. I like the word 'like'. I'd like to go to bed. I'd like to read more. I will. It's very good. Well done.
20th July 2005, 9:00 PM
Right, here is the long awaited (by me at least) second chapter of my controversial fic, Human. Took me a while, but it's finally done.
Chapter 2: Silence
“Okay, Nero. If you would come over here please,” said the Professor, signalling that Nero would be the next to get his Pokémon. Nero took the Pokéball and threw it in the air. Again, the strange light entered the room, taking only a second to disappear. When it had, the Pokémon left was a strange thick cloud of gas. It was purple in colour, but one section in the middle seemed to be of a thicker consistency that the rest. The creature opened its eyes, looking at his new trainer. Nero looked back in awe, the Pokémon confusing him.
“Gastly,” the Pokémon said quietly, attempting a smile. Nero looked back at him, turning his confusion into a happy smile. “GAAASSS, GASTLY,” he shouted to his new trainer.
“Well Nero, I knew that you two would get on extremely well,” said the Professor with a smile on his face, “You’re extremely popular in the village, Nero. Everyone seems to look up to you as the best role model we have, so Gastly was the best choice. He may not look it, but he is very strong, and he has a cool personality, like you. I know you two will make your journey a good one. Which reminds me, will you four be travelling together?” The four looked at each other, deciding between them if they would or not. Right on cue, Edan broke the silence.
“Did I ever tell you the one about the Growlithe who played with butter?” he asked.
“Yes!!” said Kiela, Leo, Nero and the Professor in unison. There was even a little “Chu” from Pikachu. Edan looked dismayed.
“Return Gastly,” said Nero, pulling the Pokémon back into the Pokéball. There was a sound from outside, like a scream.
“What was that?” asked Kiela, looking at the four males in the room. “Trust you guys not to do anything. Professor, can I have my Pokémon now, in case whatever going on is Pokémon related.” Professor Jones started reaching for a Pokéball when there was a bang on the wall from outside. Then, the window was smashed, and a Tangela came through it.
“That’s the same Tangela I saw earlier,” said Leo, looking out the window to see if it was the same people. It was. They were standing outside, now battling a Sandshrew. The Sandshrew had obviously been the one that sent Tangela through the window. This Sandshrew looked different than a usual Sandshrew. Its usual tanned-yellow leathery skin was a lime green instead. Its claws looked a bit longer than a normal Sandshrews too.
“That’s a Shiny Sandshrew!” yelled Professor Jones, shocked. The four children looked at him astounded, while the battle fought on.
“What’s a Shiny?” asked Nero.
“Shiny is the name we have given to the occasional discolouring of some Pokémon,” he began, “However, some researchers now believe that a Shiny Pokémon may be stronger, faster, or healthier than one of the normal variety, but those are the same researchers that believe the Pokérus is helpful!” He ended this sentence with a hearty laugh.
“But the Pokérus is helpful,” stated Kiela, looking annoyed at the Professor, “Now can I have my Pokémon so I can help with this battle?” However, the Professor had shrunk into a corner, dismayed at being corrected by a teenager.
“Don’t worry,” said Nero, grabbing the Pokéball from his waist, “I’ll battle. Go, Gastly!” He shouted, throwing the Pokéball to the ground. It opened, revealing more blinding light. When the light cleared, Gastly was once again in the room, feigning a smile at Nero and the other members of the group. “What moves does it know?” The group dropped to the floor, as did the two trainers in purple outside.
“You’d think that you’d know your own Pokémons attacks, Nero!” said Edan, grabbing his Pokéball and sending out his Machop, who immediately began to laugh at Edan once more. “Now Machop, attack Tangela with… umm…” The group dropped once more, this time including Nero. Kiela jumped up first, running to Edan, who was laughing hard, much like his Machop, and began to shake him, whilst screaming.
“Don’t either of you know your Pokémon!” she began, shouting as loud as she could, effectively stopping the battle outside momentarily, “The both of you are idiots! Machop knows Low Kick and Leer! Gastly knows Lick and Hypnosis! Battle now!” She sat back down, looking as though her throat hurt.
“So they only know two moves?” Edan asked, looking confused and disappointed. Once again, Kiela reared up to shout.
“Are you freakin’ retarded?” She yelled, “They learn more attacks the more you train them!”
“Ouch,” muttered Edan, rubbing his ears. Machop was laughing more than ever. “Okay Machop, use Leer!” Machop stopped laughing, turning to the three Pokémon outside. It looked long and hard at the Tangela, who immediately stepped back a little. “Now hit it with Low Kick!”
“Maaaaa,” shouted the male Machop, rushing towards the Tangela, full speed. It got to the Pokémon and dropped to the floor, swinging its leg around, finally shouting, “Chooop!” as it made contact. The Tangela quickly dropped to the floor, flinching in pain.
“Stop right there!” shouted the female trainer outside. “How dare you interfere with our training? We came here to fight and capture some of the weak Ground-Type Pokémon you get here in your crappy village!”
“Uhh, you might not want to insult their village, Maria,” said a calm male trainer next to her.
“Why not, Mario?” she asked, grabbing a Pokéball from her waist and showing it to him, “We do have this. Tangela, use Absorb on Sandshrew!” Tangela obeyed, taking small globules of energy as it did from the Diglett when Leo saw them earlier. Sandshrew looked injured. “Now Mario, throw a Pokéball!” She shouted.
“Okay!” the male trainer, now known as Mario, shouted as he picked an empty Pokéball from his belt. “Pokéball, Go!” He threw it at the Sandshrew, spinning slightly after releasing it. The ball hit the Sandshrew on the head, knocking it over before pulling its now red essence into the ball, reflecting off the mirrors inside. The ball closed and hit the floor, with Sandshrew now inside. The ball rocked as everyone looked on, viewing the tensest part of a Pokémon capture. After three rocks, the ball stopped moving, the Pokémon inside caught. Now, with Farfetch’d and Tangela on their side of the battle, Maria and Mario looked on at the two teens with Pokémon, while Professor Jones stepped forward with his Pikachu.
“Ah, Professor Alfred Jones,” said Maria, now strangely calm, “We’ve heard all about you. Our boss tells us of your knowledge in Pokémon. You’d be very valuable as a member of Wayward.”
“I’d never join anyone like you!” shouted Professor Jones, “I know all about your group, your plans, and your boss. Oh yes,” he added, seeing the shocked looks on Maria and Mario’s faces, “Me and Montgomery go way back. Far enough back to the day when we both began our Pokémon journey. It’s ironic, really. He never did like Ground-Types. Or at least, he didn’t like the ones from around here. “Weak”, you called them. Well, see how weak this is. Come on out, Rhydon!” He threw another Pokéball, opening to shoot out a violent white light. It cleared, leaving a huge grey beast towering over Pikachu. The Pokémon snorted, tilting its head forward to reveal the large, drill-like horn atop its head.
“Go, Diglett!” yelled Maria, throwing out a Pokéball that left the Pokémon Leo had seen twice now.
“Come on out, Sandshrew!” shouted Mario, following suit. His newly acquired shiny Sandshrew appeared, looking a little agitated, if not exhausted.
“Nero, Edan,” said the Professor, looking at the two teens, “I’ll need your help here. You two fight Diglett and Sandshrew. I’ll go for Farfetch’d and Tangela.”
“Right,” the boys said in unison. Kiela and Leo could only stand back and watch the battle unfold.
“All right, Tangela, show them your Constrict attack!” shouted Maria, looking down to her “Vine” Pokémon, “Use it on Rhydon!”
“Farfetch’d, attack Pikachu with your Sand Attack!” bellowed Mario. Tangela threw her vines towards Rhydon, wrapping it up and squeezing as hard as she could, while Farfetch’d began kicking sand into Pikachu, making it hard for the little electric Pokémon to see.
“Machop, use your Leer on Sandshrew!” shouted Edan. Machop followed through, staring hard at Sandshrew until it looked away, at which point Edan said: “That’s the way; you pull as many faces as you can. Ask him to pull your finger if you have to!” A sweat-drop and two slaps on the head later, the battle continued.
“Gastly, Lick Diglett!” shouted Nero, looking both intense and cool. Leo took some time to look at everyone involved. Nero had removed the jacket from his waist and looked like he had found his true calling with Pokémon battles. Leo was utterly impressed at the way he was handling his Pokémon, even Kiela muttered some praises for him.
Edan looked completely out of place, with his green hair wet through with sweat. His bad jokes hadn’t helped any situation before, so Leo was at a loss as to why he may have thought it would help now.
Professor Jones was a complete expert at this, which was to be expected, seeing as he was a lot older than the four of them. After seeing his friends, Leo looked at the two members of Wayward.
He had heard of Wayward. They were a group of trainers who liked to capture weak and innocent Pokémon and sell them under the impression that they were stronger than they looked. He had seen an escapade on the news just the week before about Wayward stealing a Pidgey from the Mayor of the town just a mile from Grim Village. These two could have been the perpetrators. Maria stood, completely unscathed from the two battles she had fought today with the Ground-Types. She wore a small, purple mini-top, only just covering her necessities, with hardly-visible straps to hold it in place. Then, hanging from nowhere were some purple sleeves, starting from just above her elbow and going down past her hands. Her purple and black cycling shorts left nothing to the imagination, as Leo was sure Mario knew the feeling of, finally leading down to high-cut purple boots. On the question of Mario, Leo saw he wore a purple shirt, in the same fashion as Nero wore his. He had a pair of purple-stained bellbottom jeans, going past the strange use of cowboy-style boots. They both wore purple bandana’s, tied in a way so that the tails went behind their heads. For some reason, as well as looking constantly at the large chest on Maria, Leo couldn’t stop looking at Mario’s legs, mainly the upper parts. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he could hardly move his eyes from there. While he was having strangely mixed thoughts, Kiela was paying close attention to the battle at hand, no doubt taking notes for when she finally got her first Pokémon…
Well, tell me what you thought. Hope everyone enjoyed it.
22nd July 2005, 4:11 PM
This is good. I take it this is part of the build-up to Leo being gay then? I'm impressed that even by the second chapter, only Edan and Nero have Pokémon. Kiela was so funny when she shouted at them for not knowing about their attacks.
I like how Maria and Mario aren't something like, Team Bad or something cliché like that. The fact that they are from "Wayward" and that the Professor knows their boss is pretty cool. Speaking of the Professor, his Rhydon sounds strong. You've described things really well, although you could do with a little more on the pokes, and a lot more on the backgrounds and surroundings. Also, there is no mention of where the Professor got his two (so far?) Pokémon and the same for Mario and Maria. By the way, yay for Mario capturing a shiny Sandshrew. Also, I loved the Professor's comment:
"Well, see how weak this is. Come on out, Rhydon!"
That was so good. I like it when people contradict others, it makes me laugh. Good grammar and spelling, I don't think I found any mistakes at all. Keep going and good job.
22nd July 2005, 6:41 PM
Thanks Elemental Guard. I thought people had lost interest in this fic; it was on page four when I checked this morning. I will try to add more description to the backgrounds. The history of those characters will come out in either the next chapter, or in chapters to come. I'm glad you like Kiela, I think so far she is my best accomplishment at a character, especially for what I have in store for her. I worked really hard on making her so mary-sue that she isn't if you get what I mean.
Either way, she makes me happy that I can still think up characters. Thanks fo your input,
22nd July 2005, 8:31 PM
I would hardly call this fic desperate for reviews, but I'll review it anyway.
So far the story is interesting. While it borders on chilche, you put twists and extra things in there to make it more interesting rather than boring. You've done a good job developing your characters, because they all seem to be very distinguishable, except for Nero, which we haven't seen too much of.
Let's see, mistakes, mistakes. Ah, when they all go into battle, if the proffessor know exactly which pokemon that each of them needs, and has identified each pokeball accordingly, couldn't he just have sent the other two to get their corrective pokeball on the table or whatnot?
Also, your battle scenes do need a bit of work. While I know it's difficult to portray emotions correctly while doing a battle scene, you are going to have to leave most of those behind, because you're not giving us any action in the sequences. You're only telling us what they're thinking, and when they launch an attack, all you do is say what is supposedly going on in the person's head. I'm sure you'll get better at it later on, but right now it's not the greatest.
In the first chapter
Through the white, a figure was appearing, taking shape.
You might want to change that, becaue that sentence is a fragment. Fragments=bad.
23rd July 2005, 12:15 AM
My largest gripe is characters. The characters that you've put into play so far are all flat and static, which makes them annoying and stereotypical. Nero is really bugging me, as he's fixing up to become a royal Gary-Stu very quickly. I mean, the Professor goes through and praises him about how popular he is and gives him a strong pokémon. Later, it is noted that he's really good at battling, and that he looks "intense and cool." All big warning signs.
Still not bad, but group dynamics are going to be very difficult to pull off if your characters are one-sided.
23rd July 2005, 10:43 AM
Thanks for your input, indigestable wad and Negrek. Don't worry either of you, Nero will not be turning into a Gary-stu. However, until they get started on their journey, I can't really write much more about their personalitlies, due to that fact that their personlaties can only really be understood when seen from another person, rather than themselves. So until then, they will probably all be one-sided for a chapter or two. Also, Gastly isn't especially strong, he just really enjoys battling.
Right, next chapter should go a little like this. We find out about Professor Jones' Pokémon, as we do the same with Maria and Mario. One, maybe both, of the final two characters will get their Pokémon. I can't really think of anymore interuptions unless maybe one goes missing. In fact, considering one of the Pokémon that will be given, that could happen.
That brings something to mind. Can anyone see the pattern of the two Pokémon received so far, and use that to guess which two Pokémon are the ones waiting for Leo and Kiela?
23rd July 2005, 1:38 PM
Hey I finally got to review! Well I think this is turning out to be a great story, I'm gonna follow this one,
Things I like: A JOURNEY FIC!! I dont know why but I just love these. Well, it looks like a journey fic so far at least, forget i said this if it isnt :p
I love it when the starter pokemon arent the traditionals (charmander, Totodile etc.) it makes it so much more interesting and original.
Characters, I'm loving how Edan is turning out right now, it looks like he is going to be a great character to read about.
Plot, it has a lot of mystery, such as the dream at the beginning, its good to see when someone adds a little mystery into a fic that is solved throughout the story.
Things I dont like: Names mainly, not the names of the characters but the names of the towns. What I mean is Grim Village isnt such a well thought about name, if you think about it, the founders of the land and builders of the village wouldn't really want to name it "Grim" village would they? I appreciate that it reflects the actual atmosphere of the village as being grim and it reflects the "grimness" in the rainy weather (which also turned sunny, another mysterious thing that I liked) but still. However, if you did think about it deeply and named it grim village for a reason (such as a haunting in the village when it was named or some such event or occurence) then forget what I said.
Well actually theres not much else I dont like about it, it has the perfect writing style for a journey fic (fogive me if it isnt a journey fic) and its got a good plot so far! :D
I've rated it four stars, which seems to have boosted the total rating, I'll rate higher once I see more good work!
23rd July 2005, 1:52 PM
Thanks Olyon. Well, as far as I have thought, this is so far going to be a journey fic, unless I change my mind during writing. I'm glad you like Edan, he is one of my favourites so far. Funnily you shuld mention a haunting, because that's the exact reason it is called Grim Village, which is going to be in the next chapter after the battle.
On the subject of starters, I don't really like to use the original starters that much. They were overrated in the games, and the show. In fics, however, the writers get a chance to boost the popularity of some Pokémon if they can write about them good enough, which is what I will be trying to do with some of the Pokémon the group will capture.
Now, I'm going to give you all some little hints. The chapters will include camping out and the such, things that would happen everday to the group. So far, I don't plan any of the characters to be anything but trainers, but we may see something happening around that during or after the first Gym. That's all for now though, I'm off to watch the new Japanese opening some more. I just love it.
25th July 2005, 1:58 AM
Nice fic. I like most ok pokemon fics, and this is a nice one. A cool little twist was the shiny Sandshrew. Most fics don't use shinies, but this makes a good use of them.
29th July 2005, 8:24 PM
Thanks, Shutdown56. By the way, I looked at the Summer Awards thing. Thanks a hell of a lot for nominating me, Elemental Guard. It's much appreciated. Next chapter should be out within a week or so.
10th August 2005, 12:00 AM
Ooooh-- Good job!! I liked it, your story telling was good. I think Edan is really funny too- keep up the good work! BTW, i'm subscribing to this thread so I can read it ASAP.
10th August 2005, 4:58 PM
Wow. thanks Aerial_Psychonaut! I'll be sure to keep trying to get this done. Currently going through a little bit of writers' block, so it may be a little while longer before the next chapter is done.
22nd November 2005, 5:01 PM
Sorry for the triple post, but this is too exciting, I need people to know about it. I'm back writing. Human is back up and running with Tournament Chronicles soon after, however, Afresh is going to stay as it is until the Battle Frontier Saga is over, since I like it and want to start it after that.
So, look forward to the latest chapter of Human, with more battles, more characters and more action.
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