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mindripper
14th June 2005, 7:33 PM
Basically, this is a pokemon fanfic, which is pretty obvious since I am posting here.. This is my first work, and I feel that I have done a good job with all that I have finished thus far.

So let me cut to the chase. While AG pokemon will inevitable be included, my own personal preferences will be the Kanto pokemon, cos to me they were the most original and the best. there will be new Pokemon, made up by me for this fic. Also, I have used the movesets of existing Pokemon liberally, allowing them more than 4 moves, and also allowing them moves which they can use in the game.

Some of the phrasing, while not wrong, is not what most people are accustomed to but that is just the way I want to write the story, so please understand.

By the way, please note that I am actually using British english, not American. MY MW is set to American, though, thus many words are spelt differently, like stylised and stylized. Some words are automatically corrected by MW, while others are indicated as errors. That is the reason you see some American spellings and some British spellings, which could result in some of you guys thinking they are spelling mistakes. I apologise for that.

I write mainly as a narrator, and switching of perspectives bewteen third-person and narrator's viewpoint takes place often.

In the latter part of the fanfic you all may realize that I start writing from characters’ points of view (pov in short); this is in order to get across some of the details and feelings that I may not when talking about them in third person. It does add some length but it will be a better piece for that.

Humour is present of course but sometimes it is deliberately subtle and you guys gotta delve deeper—spoon feeding all the funny bits so obviously is just not so fun huh.

The story may be a little draggy and is not always wham-bam action, but action does not a good fanfic make.

Now, while English standards on this fanfic will still not stray off the path, I will cut bombastic words to a minimum—I am sure you guys are here to read a story, not to view a thesaurus. Therefore, there will be only a few occasions that demarcation is used instead of border or any simpler word. Feel free to review but please do not flame.

mindripper
14th June 2005, 7:38 PM
Characters:

Ash (duh… he is our charming, sensitive, suave, charismatic hero)

Brock

Misty

May

Max

There are other peripheral characters which I will introduce in due time. But for now, on with the show!




“Sceptile!! Magic leaf!! NOW!!” a trainer with lank, long blond hair styled in some rock star wannabe fashion yelled at the top of his lungs.


His opponent, as well as our protagonist, pokemon cap (official, I must add) wearing, two arms flailing, two legs jumping, Ash Ketchum grimaced at the sound of those words, but quickly regained his composure…

“Pikachu (you did not think that our dear yellow rodent was going to be absent right??), use your tail as a spring, jump and judge, then slam into Sceptile with iron tail!!”

“Wobbuffet, step in front of Sceptile and counter, now!!” Thus was the screeching reply from our rock star wannabe.

At those words, a seemingly shapeless lump of blue gelatin like substance stepped out of the shadows of its counterpart, a gecko-like Pokemon with a long tail with leafy like appendages, stout legs, accompanied ably by a piercing glare, and seemed to be immediately enveloped by a silvery hue, awaiting the attack of our dear Ash’s Pikachu, whose own tail had hardened into what seemed like a metallic limb, instead of the nice cuddly tail we used to associate it with.

Ash grimaced again, recovered again and countered, his voice carrying trademark confidence: “Pidgeot, dive and use drill peck on Wobbuffet at once, break its counter move before Pikachu connects!!!”

Ash’s Pidgeot, an overlarge version of a common sparrow with large brown wings freckled with white, a bushy tail and vividly coloured mane obliged at once, arching its wings such that it resembled a bullet rushing through the air, picking up velocity till its feathers were matted against its body. In no time, it had surpassed the jumping yellow rodent and had reached the Wobbuffet, slamming its beak into the blue body of its opponent for all it was worth.


Our rocker wannabe mumbled under his breath and allowed himself some time to think. Unfortunately, that also allowed his opponent some time to think and Ash quickly improvised, calling off Pidgeot’s drill peck and calling for a tackle on Sceptile as a distraction, even as the rocker wannabe shouted in vain for Sceptile to use a vine whip on Pikachu to prevent contact and to follow up with a slam attack. Even as two vine-like contraptions emerged from Sceptile, Pidgeot had slammed into its body, throwing it off balance and causing its attack to seem like nothing more than a good impression of how bean sprouts sway in the wind.

A sickening thud soon followed as our dear shocking rodent’s tail slammed into the shocked Wobbuffet, and upon a further command from Ash the iron tail attack was followed up by a tackle, which sent it sprawling head over heels, landing in a heap a metre from our rocker wannabe. Wobbuffet slumped there like a blob of jelly, knocked out by the impact.

“Pidgeot, use whirlwind, lift Sceptile into the air!!”

A mini twister immediately appeared out of the blue and lifted the poor gecko like pokemon into the air, and almost immediately it was hit by a bolt out of the blue, a thunderbolt out of the blue to be more precise, and was suspended in the air by the electric attack from our shocking little(but very dangerous) Pikachu.

“Pidgeot!! Razor wind!! NOW!!” The command thus went out, and was followed by a huge concentrated gust of wind, which picked up from where Pikachu left off, buffeting Sceptile in its airy grasp like a storm would do to a plane, before slamming it against a tree, with the crunching of bark like a huge exclamation point where it slumped, its piercing glare replaced by swirls in its eyes. That was a landing it was not getting up from soon.

“Aw, are you okay??? Are you both ok??" Our rocker-to-be bent over his fallen comrades, checking them visually for signs of deeper injury.

In the meantime, Ash’s friends rushed up to congratulate their victorious friend. A girl with large blue eyes, long flowing brown tresses done up puppy dog style cascading past her shoulders and who was decked out in red with tight black shorts and a khaki pouch nestling stylishly around her tiny waist, was first to her feet and clapped our hero on the back. She was followed by a teenager of approximately nineteen, a male with dark skin, spiky hair with a fringe encroaching on his forehead and who was dressed in a dark brown jacket with matching cargoes in a lighter shade of brown, completed by a green undershirt. A smile emerged on his face, making his already small eyes seem nothing more than pencil marks drawn on his tanned face, marking his apparent approval of his friend’s most recent success. Last but certainly not least off his feet was a kid no older than eight, with complimenting green shirt and shorts, with the look completed by his thick black glasses. Ash’s friends certainly held nothing back with effusive praise for the superb battle just fought.

“Ash, I’ve seen you battle many times but you just keep surprising me with what you can do!!”

“Ash, that was phenomenal, really something that you can be proud of.”

Our hero stopped to adjust his cap (official stuff, the real deal!), and grinned widely at nothing in particular. It always felt good, even though he would not consider himself as a conceited person who lived for praise, to have his ego massaged by such words.

“Ash, why did you use an electric attack on Sceptile just now?? You know that it isn’t very effective right?? Don’t you even know the basics??”

The slowly widening grin, which had grown to such an extent that it had devoured the lower half of Ash’s face, disappeared as the remark hit home where it hurt. After a theatric anime fall, our hero returned fire with a volley of insults of his own…

“BASICS?? You want to talk about basics?? You don’t even HAVE a pokemon, Max, and I do know the basics. If you win, it don’t matter how you win or whether your moves are super effective or not, cos you WON!! And I ALSO know that you’re nothing more than an eight year old geek with glasses bigger than your face!!”

So much for the charismatic hero.

“Erm, excuse me dude, if you’re not too busy, thanks for the match yeah??” Our rocker wannabe butted in with his slicker-than-thou voice. Our hero (minus the charisma now) shook off the anime crosses all over his bulging red face and pulled himself together enough to shake hands with his opponent, whose name we find out is Lenny, enquire about the well-being of Sceptile and Wobbuffet, and return the thanks for a good match.

“Word, as those rockers would say”, Ash muttered under his breath as our rocker dude departed the scene with a lingering congratulation for his better.

He then turned to glare at Max, who was propping up his black glasses and taking refuge behind his sister, the girl decked out in red and black, with the puppy dog hair.

“May, Ash is being a bully again; he’s always picking on me cos I’m a little kid.”

“Picking on you?? When I’m done with you you’re gonna need a lot of help picking what’s left of your measly scrawny little body off the ground!!” Our hero, purple with rage, retorted with a glare to boot.

So much for being the suave hero.

“May, Ash is doing that glare thingy on me again!! I think he’s trying to paralyze me.”

The tanned teenager, who was thus abovementioned, intervened quickly before things got ugly.

“Come on guys, to each his own huh… Let’s not argue over such trivial matters and move on ok… Handshake??”

Max got his licks in first.

“Handshake?? Not unless Mr. Plum Face over there says sorry for having the premeditated intention of assault and battery on a defenseless eight year old kid first!!”

“The only thing I’m going to shake is that little geek’s head!!” So went Mr. Plum Face (aka our hero Ash)…

“If you, Max, and you, Ash, do not break it off, there is not going to be any lunch for both of you today!!” Brock, the tanned teenager, threatened, exasperated by his squabbling friends.

“OK!! SORRY!!” Both Max and Ash yelled at the same time, horrified that Brock would threaten them with such a debilitating circumstance—after all, how could they possibly survive with no lunch??


Eventually, our heroes (We have to call them all heroes right?? Calling them “our hero Ash and his friends just does not sound right) settled down for the lunch which Max and Ash so nearly missed, happily tucking into the stewed meat and potatoes that Brock whipped up in an awful hurry. First to finish was Ash, who then walked a short distance away from the group, sat down amongst the huge buttress roots of some tropical tree, grateful for the shade that the leafy crown of the tree provided as well as the sense of tranquility that stemmed from being away from the group for a while.

mindripper
14th June 2005, 7:41 PM
That was like an introductory chapter, and there will be much more to come. I have written 80+ pages on word, and am barely halfway through. i would like to note that i do not own Pokemon(TM), and I am not associated with Pokemon(TM) in any way. I do own all created characters, and the story itself. As this is the beginning of the fic alone, I will post another chapter once a get a reply or two. Subsequent chapters will be longer and spaced further apart. The action will heat up later. Thanks for viewership!! I will not disappoint you.

FlamingRuby
14th June 2005, 7:59 PM
Okay...here we go:

Description: Very good! I almost felt like I was watching a real episode! ::eats popcorn::
Characters: Everyone is true to their actual counterparts, great! I especially liked it when Max and Ash were fighting and Brock had to break them up!
Plot: Since you say this is an introduction, I'll let this slide for now...but I can't wait to see what adventure you have in store for our heroes!

Anything else?: if you need Brock gags (i.e. for going goo-goo over a girl), let me know!

Rating: ;026;

Wow! You just might give some of the more prominent authors here a run for their money!

mindripper
14th June 2005, 8:06 PM
Okay...here we go:

Description: Very good! I almost felt like I was watching a real episode! ::eats popcorn::
Characters: Everyone is true to their actual counterparts, great! I especially liked it when Max and Ash were fighting and Brock had to break them up!
Plot: Since you say this is an introduction, I'll let this slide for now...but I can't wait to see what adventure you have in store for our heroes!

Anything else?: if you need Brock gags (i.e. for going goo-goo over a girl), let me know!

Rating: ;026;

Wow! You just might give some of the more prominent authors here a run for their money!

There are a few of Brock's gags somewhere in the story, and I cannot really reveal anything right now.

Ash and co are in for something alright, and as of now there are three huge battles in the story, which dwarf the one you just read by miles, and I have planned a few more, and the climatic battle will bring down the roof, so so I hope. PM me if you would perhaps like a sneak preview of one of those battles. You will not regret it.

Waveblaster
14th June 2005, 8:37 PM
I was good...I like the battle sequence. They are really good compared to the ones that I write...short and sweet. Good job though! 4/5

mindripper
14th June 2005, 8:55 PM
Here is the second chapter, in quick succession after the first. A bit more description here. Do enjoy. The action will be heating up after this chapter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


He pulled out a dark blue case and opened it, revealing all eight of his Hoenn gym badges, which he and his pokemon team had toiled so hard to get. Vivid images flashed through his head—every one of the eight gym battles replayed itself in the recesses of his mind, fulminating in an earth-shattering thunder attack by the shocking Pikachu, which brought an end to Wallace’s spirited and skilled defense of his gym’s badge.

Ash looked up just in time to see Pikachu bounding up towards him and perching on his shoulder as per normal, hoping to share in its trainer’s private moments. Ash, grateful for the company, ran his hands tenderly along every edge, bend and contour of the eight badges, reliving his moments of glory that were encapsulated in those eight thin discs of metal that meant everything to him; well, almost everything…

The Hoenn league was due to start in a couple of month’s time, and our hero (maybe he is not that charismatic or suave, but he is still our hero) simply felt that he had not got enough practice in yet. His moments of glory in the gyms of Hoenn seemed to fade to a distant part of his subconscious, replaced harrowingly by images of his past failings. He remembered the Indigo league, when a disobedient Charizard literally went to sleep on the job, handing Richie the win on a platter.

Till that very day, he still was haunted by the niggling questions that pervaded his thoughts—thoughts that asked what could have been if he had only gotten Charizard to listen then; thoughts that asked what could have been if he had been the one who progressed, not Richie. Similar failures in a grass tournament and a water tournament (Whirlpool cup), a loss to his dearest mallet-wielding friend Misty in the latter only troubled him even more.

The Johto league was a bittersweet affair, with our troubled hero finally beating his long-time rival, scourge and nemesis Gary after a blazing showdown which both trainers would likely carry with them for the rest of their lives.

However, it was bittersweet in that a loss to Harrison, a highly skilled trainer and one that there was no shame in losing to, followed in the next round. What pained Ash the most was not the loss itself, but the fact that he could, and should have won—Charizard would probably have gotten the better of Harrison’s high-kicking, fire-punching fowl pokemon Blaziken, if Ash had used flying and/or wing attacks, which he completely ignored in favour of flamethrowers and the like, which was something like shooting birds with tanks (the latter is just too slow to really hit).

He had prepared himself a little bit better this time around, making trips to pick up his old friends Pidgeot, as well as Squirtle and Charizard. With a newly caught Dusclops, Grovyle and the shocking, rosy cheeked Pikachu to complement the three pokemon he had just retrieved, Ash believed he had a team which could go all the way this time.


Banishing his worst fears and niggling suspicions to the back of his mind, he pulled out a copy of Pokemon Daily and started to read the eye-catching article on the front page (or at least the short synopsis on the right of the main article, for we all know that our hero is a busy guy right??)…


WHY DO POKEMON OBEY HUMANS???

In a nutshell, no one really knows the answer to the above question. It is again one of the myriad, innumerable mysteries of the fascinating Pokemon world.

Of course, there are certain explanations and theories being bandied around, with some bordering on ridiculous and corny, along the lines of the abysmal pop science we see on some of the dreadful sci-fi movies nowadays. But we digress. Some believe that Pokemon and Humans share an ancient bond, possibly forged out of co-existence even during ancient times. There are those who believe that in some long- forgotten cataclysmic age, Pokemon and Man depended on each other to survive, fighting side by side at all times, in a win-win situation where each complements the other and either cannot do without its other half.

The question is WHY… Pokemon are obviously much stronger than us and edge us out in physical performances, as well as their possessing abilities which even our strongest weapons would possibly not hold a candle to. They do not lack intelligence or any mental function that we also possess, thus it is puzzling why they not only are at peace with us, but are actually subservient to our purposes, allowing us to “capture” them for our own uses. More of this article overleaf, on Page 2…

“Wow, that was superb; it really addressed the question well,” our obviously keenly discerning, analytical and intelligent hero Ash muttered to himself. “But why “cataclysmic age”?? Must be a typing error, because I’m sure I saw that long word before, and I think it’s got something to do with cactus, though why an age of cacti is mentioned is beyond me; hey, what’s this??” Ash’s (forget about “obviously keenly discerning, analytical and intelligent”) attention was caught by a small advertisement in the middle of the paper, which went: Pokemon Tournament For Only The Best. Judge yourself against the VERY BEST. Details Below.

Our hero’s piercing glance took in the details, such as time, place and date.

“Hey guys, look at this… It’s a pokemon tournament, and they say here there will be selections to weed out the losers so only the best remain to compete, and guess what??” Our riddling hero shot out to his friends, who were clearing up after a hearty lunch.


“What, Ash?? Let us think, ‘cos that’s a real tough question. Hmmm, you’re going to win??” His friends replied with mock enthusiasm.

“How did you manage to get that?? No fair…” Our deflated hero looked puzzled and scratched his head absentmindedly. “Anyway, hand me the Pokegear, think I’m gonna call Misty and ask her if she would like to come watch the greatest master-to-be in action—she will be sooooo excited, I reckon.”


May giggled as she handed the red device over to our master-to-be hero: “If what I hear from you all is true, I think she will probably remember how our “master-to-be” (emphasis on these three words please) had to be fished out of a river the first time you guys met huh??”

Ash stylishly turned a deaf ear to the ensuing guffaws and activated the device, dialed his friend’s number and fired off at once.

“Hello, is that Misty??? Ash here… I’m gonna participate in a pokemon tournament involving the world’s best trainers and I kinda think I would do better if I had a few people cheering me on… You get my point??”

“Wrong number, and don’t talk so fast next time on the phone!!” A gruff male voice iterated over the pokegear.

Our hero upped the style factor by ignoring a louder chorus of guffaws and barely suppressed laughs and dialed the number again, this time exercising prudence and showing presence of mind to wait for the other party to say hello first…

“Hello,” went a familiar feminine voice.

“Hello, is that Misty??? Ash here… I’m gonna participate in a pokemon tournament involving the world’s best trainers and I kinda think I would do better if I had a few people cheering me on… You get my point??” Our hero repeated his words exactly for his friend.

“You want me to come all the way to wherever you are, whenever you want, to do whatever you want and however you want??" Misty retorted with the velocity of a machinegun.

“Um, yeah that would be just about it,” our not-so-tactful hero replies coolly; “I’ll buy you an ice-cream though, isn’t that just cool??” Our hero makes an offer he feels she cannot refuse, and one that is dripping with intellectual wit to boot.

“Ash, I really do not think I am going to be there; I got more pressing things to do than playing pom-pom girl for you at the moment,” Misty’s voice had taken on a softer but determined facet.

“C’mon Mist, you’re always there when I’m in a tournament and I don’t want things to be different this time ok? You did promise you would be there for me right??”

Our cunning hero recovered from the failure of his “cannot be refused offer” and played to his friend’s softer side, hoping that his puppy-dog plea would work when all else failed.

“Well, yeah I did but…… But there are like millions of trainers challenging the gym and I can’t just leave my sisters here… No insult to them but they’re just going to be road kill… Sigh, I’ll see what I can do, just email me the details and I’ll see what I can do… No guarantees though.”

With that, our hero’s dearest friend hung up on our hero, signaling the end of a seemingly fruitless conversation, at least from the viewpoint of our hero Ash.

A higher-pitched female voice interrupted Ash’s gloomy thoughts: “Hey Ash, don’t worry about it huh… Misty may not be coming but you still got us?? I mean, you still beat Wallace et al without her right??” May tried her utmost to pierce through the seemingly impervious cloud of gloom and doom that hovered over her friend, but even her best efforts evanesced amidst the cloak of palpable obscurity that shrouded her friend. Eventually, she shot a pleading look at her brother Max, who for once did not have a witticism up his sleeve, and then at Brock, who for once did not have any seemingly paternal advice to expound. She then gave up the chase and after a reassuring pat on the shoulder for her friend, settled down with her brother and Brock to help start a fire, for that would be where they would camp for the night.


Father Time crept slowly but surely by, and the surrounding woods, which when bathed with the evening sun was a truly beauteous zenith of Mother Nature—the soothing songs of the birds as well as the faint mating calls of the insects, the murmurings of the meandering brook nearby, the blood-red sunset through perfectly carved vistas and the canopy of the forest, impenetrable by light yet seemingly bathed in a golden halo, had given way to a much more mundane picture when night finally fell, and deepened.


Our hero Ash had gone on another one of his solo sojourns, feeling that he needed some space to breathe, but of course accompanied by his best pokemon friend the shocking yellow rodent Pikachu. The shadows of the trees had since grown longer, like some caricatures straight out of a horror flick, and the darkness could almost be touched, so dark it was; the silence was broken only by the calls of the insects, but our hero was grateful for all that.

“This place reminds me of another, Pikachu.”

Pikachu merely nodded its head reflexively and looked at its master, an earnest questioning look in the eyes, asking an unseen question.

Our extremely capable and understanding hero got the drift and answered softly: “It reminds me of the Viridian Forest, where even the dirt roads and tracks look similar, Pikachu, where the insects cry out in the same way and even the sunset feels the same.”

Our shocking electrically inclined rodent answered in pokemon language, its tone suggesting mutual agreement with Ash’s observation.

“More than two years ago, I was just another wannabe, a never-was, another person who had a dream to be the best. Fast forward, and now I’ve saved the world, saved my mum, saved pokemon, won battles, lost battles, met friends and lost friends, and it still seems that I’m right back where I began.” Ash’s voice strained when mouthing the final portion of his speech.

Pikachu recognized when his friend was down, and while not fully comprehending the gravity of the situation, snuggled itself against our upset hero’s legs, as a sign of comfort.

Random images whizzed past our perturbed hero’s eyes once again. Richie, more backpack than anything else, in a nice way though, flashed past his eyes with a victory sign. Tracey, always in the background yet always in the know, was just another one of his friends that he missed, as was Todd, as was Harrison. Gary, with his condescending smirk and trademark arrogance, zoomed past next, his mental image mouthing some unheard yet probable insult, but with a true competitor’s heart within. Misty flashed past as well, her face twisted into a sneer as she went on to beat the daylights out of him in his memory.

Our reminiscing hero’s thoughts froze on that figure, and replayed that thought, captured the incident, and sighed when he remembered that the one difference between that night more than two years ago, in a place so familiar, with sights and sounds so familiar, was that a huge part of his life was missing from the picture now, a squabbling man-eater with a huge temper and a huger mallet, but yet with the hugest heart, was missing now, and that life was just not the same anymore…


Cut to Cerulean, where our emotional hero’s dearest friend had just cut off the call from her friend.


She whirled around, and took in her surroundings again even though they were to her as the back of her hands were. The domed ceiling, the huge pool, the seats, the rooms, with one obvious discrepancy, that they were all empty. Given, it was dark and late in Cerulean, but the coming of the dawn would not bring much of a difference—she had lied about the multitudes of trainers challenging the gym. The gym could have been closed down for a week without many noticing.

Heaving a sigh, Misty looked through the stuff that cluttered her desk, official gym forms, stationery as well as photographs. A few taken when she was younger caught her eye, and were dutifully perused—a scrawny, red-headed girl stared back at her from behind the frames, at times with a weak smile plastered on her face.

She then turned her attention to some taken, mostly candidly by Brock during her journeys with the gang—one early shot showed her with her forefingers shoved deep into Ash’s mouth, trying to pry it open as far as it would go; another with all three friends as well as Pikachu and Togepi; one with her arguing with Ash over some probably trivial matter and lastly, one of her in a solo shot, without even Togepi, smiling to the camera like the world was a place where only bright colours existed, where sunshine beats back the dark, where all things good always prevailed—like the world was perfect. And it was. Comparing that shot with the earlier shots of her smiling falsely at the camera brought an even larger sigh.

Then came the clincher: a sketch of her and her friends done by Tracey, who had artfully shown with simple pastels and pencils their cheery demeanour and carefree dispositions. She laid back in her chair and stared out of her window, suddenly missing terribly all she had left behind when all she wanted was to start anew, to leave her friends to chase their dreams without her nagging and to pursue her own as well. Those reasons were all the comfort she had when she left them at Hoenn, albeit without Togepi, who she also lost, and it was simply a case of the proverbial last straw breaking her back. At the current moment though, she missed her friends, especially Ash, terribly, and also thought back on the times they were lucky enough to share.


Little did she know that in a forest somewhere, a certain someone was thinking the same thoughts as well…


It was rise and shine once again for our emotional hero, who quickly wolfed down a light breakfast faster than one could go “hey, slow down,” and quickly started on a surprisingly rigourous warm-up routine for his six starting pokemon, and had the burns from his Charizard’s flamethrowers to show what his pokemon thought about the sudden increase in intensity.

“May, Brock, something seems wrong with Ash today…” Max began.

May, who had just got up from a long night’s rest, thought it wise to play the big sister role by answering her mystified brother’s queries: “Yup, I noticed too Max. Ash’s jeans are a lighter shade of blue today. That is just terrible colour combination right??” A satisfied look from our beautiful, highly intelligent and astute female protagonist.

“May, with observations like that, you’ve got to be further down the evolutionary ladder than I thought.”

“What ladder??? I don’t see any ladder Max…”

“I can’t believe it… My sis is a drum… Skin on the outside, but hollow on the inside… Well, someone must have got all the good genes… he he…”

Brock cut in helpfully.

“I think what Max was trying to say just now was that Ash’s behaviour seems weird today… When was the last time you saw him eat a light meal and then go for such a strenuous workout like that???”

“You got a point there Brock, but what was all that talk about ladders???”

“Max, I think your sister is devolving into a perfect monkey…”

May looked stupidly at them, one hand holding a banana and the other scratching the top of her head…

FlamingRuby
14th June 2005, 9:56 PM
Okay...

Description: Again, nice!
Characters: May as a monkey...LOL!
Plot: A new tournament....sounds interesting!

sk0rp10n
14th June 2005, 10:07 PM
Very good!! I loved the sarcastic humour!! When is chapter three coming up?

mindripper
14th June 2005, 10:28 PM
Very good!! I loved the sarcastic humour!! When is chapter three coming up?

I am guessing from anywhere between 3-7 days. I hope you would be around to review it then!

Wes
14th June 2005, 10:58 PM
Wow that was pretty good. You describe things like if they were right in front of my eyes. Nice job!

mindripper
14th June 2005, 10:59 PM
^Thanks. Do rate it later when you see more. I reviewed your fic too! You saw it? Do come back when I post more chapters!

IceKing
15th June 2005, 2:34 AM
“Max, I think your sister is devolving into a perfect monkey…”

May looked stupidly at them, one hand holding a banana and the other scratching the top of her head…

Best...May...Gag...Ever


Likes
The high class comedy
The descriptions
The battlescenes
The intelligence of this fic

This fic has a rather unique comedy that kind of reminds of british humor for some crazy reason. Either way, I love it. The description in this fic is VERY good and i can clearly imagine whats going on. The battle scebe was wonderful in the way it relied on strategy rather than jusy moves. Although, some parts of the battle was kind of confusing. I felt very inteligant (misspelled on purpose) reading this fic with all the big words and the unique style.

Dislikes
Ash is kind of OOC
Style can be a bit confusing at times


Ash doesnt realyl act that way in the show, I dont think hes that smart, although he really isnt shown as smart and blah blah blah im just gonna end up rambling on. The style of your writing while it is unique and creative, it can be confusing in some points making it hard to understand whats going on.


This reminds me of my other fic Wanzewald Pokemon Contest! Anyway, ill give this fic a 7/10. Keep up the good work!!!

mindripper
15th June 2005, 8:04 AM
To Lucient Latias:
I have my own spin on Ash's choices. I feel that a Dusclops completes his team better than an ice Pokemon.

To Iceking:
Hold the reviews first. There is more to come, a lot more. Those were more like intro chapters. Ash definitely isn't smart, and neither will he be portrayed as such. I described him as such because he does strike me as a reflective person, and one who soaks in the limelight after a victory, subconciously or otherwise.
As far as style, I am a descriptive person, and do give yourself time to attune to the style. The words are gonna get a little bigger, and the battles a little fiercer. I do hope you would be around when that happens. Thanks.

Chibi Pika
15th June 2005, 9:35 AM
Well, I certainly am impressed, your description struct me as fantastic, and even though it's starting out as simply another Ash adventure, the news bulletin and even the title itself are very prominent foreshadowings. I found the second paragraph of the news article very intriguing, reminds me of my second fic, especially the long-forgotten cataclysmic age. Lol, or should I say cacti age? X3 I found the humor nice, and struggled to hold back the snickering while reading it, although Ash's outburst in the beginning was a bit out of place, but meh. The monkey line is still by far the best :p

Really, great job so far, I'll rate once it gets a bit farther in, but I know what I probably will give it. *winks*

~Chibi~;249-d;

mindripper
15th June 2005, 9:57 AM
^Thanks. To those who feel that Ash is acting a little weird, do consider that I have portrayed him as being under a certain amount of stress, with him coming to grips with his failures in the Indigo and Johto leagues. He questions his advancement as a trainer, and wonders if it would have made a difference if he had worked doubly hard instead. That is why he makes his team undergo intense training. That is why he is a little prone to outbursts. It makes him so much for human that way.

Just to add on, I would be breaking my own rule again soon. A few more reviews from unique people, and chapter three will be up. Should allow people to get a better grasp of the story, as chapters 1-2 are pretty introductory.

sk0rp10n
15th June 2005, 2:40 PM
I love it all the same!! I read a few other fics and I have to say that this one blows them all in terms of description. Runs like a novel as well. And if things are only going to get better as you say, you got a reader in me!

Dubble Flux
15th June 2005, 4:32 PM
I like this story. It has very good description. Enough to keep us captivated, but not so much that we'll fall asleep at the monotonous depiction. I'm okay with the characters. I'm just not too into them, because I just like relly original protagonists(just my prefrence, though. It's good all the same). The length meets the required amount, though I bet you can really elaborate a chapter if it was a bit longer. I look foward to seeing this story develop, as it seems it has some potential.

P.S. "What Legends Are Made Of" That was part of my title for a fanfic I tried a few years ago. I knew it was a great title and would be used by future generations of authors! *dances*

mindripper
15th June 2005, 7:01 PM
^Do not worry. I would estimate that by the fourth chapter, descriptions get even better, and there will be a very nice battle in the fourth chappie, I reckon. About 6+ MW pages, without proper spacings.

I would like to take some time to thank peeps who have somehow lasted this long with me, and lsitened to what I had to say, and I sincerely hope that you would be back for future episodes. Thank you all!

Blazing Charmander
15th June 2005, 8:09 PM
This has started off really well for a new fanfic writer. The description you have put into it is really good. While reading, i could imagine most of the scenes in my mind.

The Max and Ash squabbles were hilarious. I loved it when Ash called Max a geek. I also liked the interactions between May and Max. The monkey May remark was great.

Well, a great start and I hope you keep up the good work. Well done.

GoldenNoctowl77
15th June 2005, 8:37 PM
Wow, I am surprisingly impressed that this is your first fic. Let me start off by giving you props. You have one of the most unique writing styles on this board, and it shows. It kind of reminds me of the sarcastic carefree tone that The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy comes across with.

The characters aren't original because they are already established in the anime, but you do a decent job with them. The emotions are felt well and the description is decent enough. There is a lot of dialogue though, but it's well written anyways. I can see this becoming a great fic, just don't get too caught up in how the anime is. It could get repetitive like the show if you don't throw a curve ball once and awhile.

Keep it up and be sure to check out my fics :p

billy5772
15th June 2005, 8:47 PM
This is an excellent fic so far. Great job with the humor, description, and emotion. At first, I thought it was gonna be all %100 anime parody, but I see that you're introducing some more serious themes in there as well. Good job with that. Will there be, from here on out, a balance of humor and seriousness, though? Well, here're some things that looked a little incorrect to me:


At those words, a seemingly shapeless lump of blue gelatin like substance stepped out of the shadows of its counterpart, a gecko-like Pokemon with a long tail with leafy like appendages, stout legs, accompanied ably by a piercing glare, and seemed to be immediately enveloped by a silvery hue, awaiting the attack of our dear Ash’s Pikachu, whose own tail had hardened into what seemed like a metallic limb, instead of the nice cuddly tail we used to associate it with.

I’m not exactly sure if this is incorrect, it’s just a little confusing. It’s easy to lose track of the subject when reading sentences like these. You started off with the “shapeless lump” as the subject and then described Sceptile and then went back to what the “shapeless lump” was gonna do. If you had had like one appositive in there instead of all of those other descriptions, it would’ve been less confusing. It seems a little like you forgot to describe Sceptile earlier and tried to put it in right here. Probably not wrong per se, just a little bit confusing.


…in the recesses of his mind, fulminating in an earth-shattering thunder attack

I think you meant “culminating” and not “fulminating”


…what could have been if he had only got Charizard to listen then

Is it supposed to be “…if he had only gotten Charizard to listen then”?

I liked that analysis of the Ash-Harrison battle. Why didn’t he get Charizard to use flying moves? They would’ve been super effective. Maybe Max was right, he doesn’t know the basics :-)


It is again one of the myriad, innumerable mysteries of the fascinating Pokemon world.

Myriad is a noun and it seems like you’re trying to use it, along with innumerable, to modify mysteries. Maybe you could re-word it to be:

It is one of a myriad of innumerable mysteries surrounding the fascinating Pokemon world.

Or something.


Of course, there are certain explanations and theories being bandied around, and while some border on ridiculous, corny and sound like the abysmal pop science we see on some of the dreadful sci-fi movies nowadays.

Here, you had a “while” but didn’t really complete the though. Like, you said “and while some border on ridiculous, etc…” there should be an “…others are quite respectable” or something after that. You just had “while this…” It’s over.

Oh, and that cacti comment was hilarious.


“Wrong number, and don’t talk so fast next time on the phone!!” A gruff male voice iterated over the pokegear

That was funny. I wasn’t expecting that, and it made me chuckle.

Man, I was gonna quote some of the funniest lines, but it seems like almost every paragraph after that one made me laugh. Good job with the humor. Oh man, “isn’t that just cool?” heh.

I think right here is where the tone shifted (I'm reading and reviewing at the same time). It caught me off guard a little. I was reading a comedy fic and then, suddenly, it turned into one full of emotion. Not really a bad thing, though. You definitely did that well. I liked how the sounds of the forest reminded him of the sounds of another forest, and how he noticed everything was the same except for Misty not being there this time. That was excellent.

Overall, GrEAT jORb. I'll definitely be back to see what happens next.

And, GoldenNoctowl, that is THE FUNNIEST SIG EVER!

mindripper
15th June 2005, 8:54 PM
^ Ok, I checked and rechecked my desc of Wobuffet, and it seems correct, if a little prolonged.
Fulminate denotes an explosion or a detonation, while culminate merely denotes a climax.
Yeah, the "while" and the "gotten" are my mistakes. Must have missed them. Thanks.

"Myriad" is an adjective, not a noun. I am sure of that.

By the time you see this, the mistakes will have already been corrected. Thanks.

billy5772
15th June 2005, 9:00 PM
Ah! There is an adjectival form of myriad. Sorry.

Yeah, and the description of wobuffet was not what I was talking about. It just seemed like you interrupted wobuffet's action with a prolonged description of sceptile and then got back to what wobuffet was doing. Again, I don't know if that's a definite mistake, but it is slightly confusing at first glance.

Yeah, I just looked up fulminate *has never used that word before*. I guess I just assumed you meant culminate. Sorry.

Okay, good luck with the next chapter.

jirachiman876
15th June 2005, 9:55 PM
Well. Very good. Wonderful description, I could see everything perfectly. Sometimes it would be better without the titles before the name and also it would be easier to understand if everyone who spoke was identified. Also in the first chapter with mentioning the name of the rocker wannabe; it could have been mentioned during the description part of it. Also at times I get confused at who you are talking about. There are just minor things that need to be fixed. I reallly like your writing style, but at times it could be a little bit choppy with the parenthesis cutting in to add a little more detail or what the narrator has to add. That's really all I see wrong with it. I will be a permanent reveiwer to this fic along with including all mistakes I find in futures chapters.
EDIT: I forgot to mention sometimes you don't you the whole word. an example is you used cos instead of because. That's how it should be. I also saw a till; it should be until. Next time please use the whole word instead of fragments of it. Write like it was in a book and not on a computer.
jirachiman out ;385;

mindripper
15th June 2005, 10:08 PM
^I write uniquely. I love changing between narration and third person POV. It adds so much to the prose, and the best thing about prose is that detail is limited only by the author's imagination. The brackets are mainly to add some description and sarcastic remarks which cannot fit into the story normally. The titles before the names are just meant to poke fun at the characters!! Style will take some getting used to, but I hope that you will see its worth better after a few more chappies.

Also, about the speech. I find that naming characters who speak each and every time actually hinders the story! When someone calls Max her brother, it has to be May, and I thought I would leave that to readers to figure!

Finally, someone asked about the rocker! Why have his name almost as an afterthought. I debated long and hard about this one, and here is my reason. When Ash battles, I want to give him a sense of total concentration. I want him to have eyes only on the battle itself. And thus he did not even find out his opponent's name prior to the battle. I actually wanted to have him forget the name, but decided against.
A lot of my stuff is hinted, and there are a lot of things people have to read between the lines to understand. And more will come in later chapters.
Lastly, to above poster, thank you for the support. You have my gratitude.

"Cos" was part of speech, like "kinda"; and I just wanted to highlight the differences between speech and the actual words, as in phonetics being similar, even though spelling is different.

"Till" is interchangeable with until, unless it is the first word of a sentence, in which case the latter is preferred. thanks for pointing that out, though!!

Sike Saner
15th June 2005, 10:38 PM
Three words: Great.
Frelling.
Job.

There's plentiful description, lots of laughs, and an unexpected and hilarious character in the form of the narrator. Reading this, I can tell that you are a true fan of the anime.

And yes, everyone and their mother has praised May the Monkey and Ash's association of the word "cataclysmic" with cacti...but that doesn't stop me from doing it, as well! :D

mindripper
15th June 2005, 10:41 PM
Thank you. Do read what I wrote on your fic as well! I will review as you post, so no worries.
The narrator is so important to the story, words cannot express that notion fully enough.
However, you guys are just as important to me. Thanks for the review! What is "frelling"???

Ryano Ra
15th June 2005, 11:29 PM
A very interesting way to start off a Fanfiction. Everything seems to be falling right into place, although I think you could do more with your descriptions. They are indeed good for a beginner, but always remember to improve. The descriptions could use more scenery and stuff, but worry about that as you become more and more recognized with your writing. Until then, just keep this wonderful work up!

sk0rp10n
15th June 2005, 11:30 PM
Oh no, chapter three isn't up yet! I really do think that this is a brilliant start to a fic. Sure, Ash was cast instead of an original hero, but I personally find Ash very interesting in the story. Can't say how much I lurve the humour, and I like the style. Let's have it up for the NARRATOR!!
PM me when chapter 3 is up. I will be back everyday to check.

mindripper
15th June 2005, 11:36 PM
To Ryano_ra. Descriptions are what you want? Believe me, you will get them! These are just intro chapters, and I did not want to put people to sleep, but suffice to say that you WILL see descriptions a lot more detailed than this. For those who have read my fic all those months ago, you already know. Anifan, water spirit etc...
To sk0rp10n. Chapter 3 will be up and running in one or two days. The real action will not start till chapter 4 and 5 at least, and the real intense battles take place later in the fiction. Do keep tuning in.

Mysteria Pearl
15th June 2005, 11:39 PM
Very nice. I like it. It had some very funny parts and I ADORE MAARN! Please keep doing your best! And could you put me on your pm list for when you finish the next few chapters?

sk0rp10n
15th June 2005, 11:41 PM
A very interesting way to start off a Fanfiction. Everything seems to be falling right into place, although I think you could do more with your descriptions. They are indeed good for a beginner, but always remember to improve. The descriptions could use more scenery and stuff, but worry about that as you become more and more recognized with your writing. Until then, just keep this wonderful work up!

Not enough??? I practically felt as though I was there! Sitting next to Ash, feeling his badges with him, seeing the shadows lengthen, or with Misty, looking at the pictures and drawings. It was perfect for an introduction!! If mindripper said that it would get more descriptive, I believe the guy. he obviously has a great command of english and a unique style to put it to good use!
I am your fan!

mindripper
15th June 2005, 11:45 PM
Very nice. I like it. It had some very funny parts and I ADORE MAARN! Please keep doing your best! And could you put me on your pm list for when you finish the next few chapters?

Ah, as I said, this is not a shipping fic. While I do prefer Misty as a heroine, seeing I lived Kanto as a series, she appears more often, naturally. I cannot say more. If you want to read in advance, ask water_spirit to send you the raw copy. I mailed her months ago with what I finished then. I am only up to about page 90 right now. A lot more to go, including the big big battles.

To skorpion. Thanks for the support. I will PM you next time.

JONNO.FRESH
16th June 2005, 7:29 AM
Its Really Good And U Say Its Youre First U Have A Great Gift

Zup
16th June 2005, 9:47 AM
Ooh, very interesting fic, it had good description. I will be waiting for the next chapter to see what happens.

Avegaille
16th June 2005, 1:31 PM
Hmm.... since this fanfic, as so we speak, since I am a fan of May, has May in it... I think this fanfic is suited to be in my site! XP

Congratulations! Your Fanfic qualifies for May's Ultimate Guide!

Anyways, like what everyone says, for a first timer, your fanfic descrption, spellings, and dialouges are really impressive! I'll read more of it every soon...

And also, try to avoid double/triple/quadruple posting.... just a little reminder... ^^

Knightblazer
16th June 2005, 2:49 PM
Well, since you asked meso politely... I shall review your erm... wonderous fanfic.

I like the humor in the story, and you described the characters and battle senes really well for a first timer, I might add. I could say you have a gift in writin'.

Anyways, I eagerly await for your next chapter in the story.

loosemoose
16th June 2005, 8:20 PM
Oh. My. Lord. I am so glad that I signed up on this site just to view fanfics.
Let me start my review. Characters are all spot on, exactly how I would portray them if I had the ability to. Ash is delibrately put under stress, so it seems understandable that hes cranky.
I love the descriptions so much, and I really could see the sunset taking place, or Ahs's mental images.
Humour is fantastic!! My favourite is the other May gag, though the "monkey" one is good.

"My sister is a drum... ... Skin on the outside and hollow on the inside." ROFL!!!

I took a look at some of the other fics, and I truly feel that this one has the potential to hit any heights the author wants it to. I do get the feeling that the author reined in his stuff a little in these two chapters. "Palpable obscure"? Very very nice. The sky is the absolute limit for this fic, and we have only seen two chapters. Very unfortunate that it does not get some extra attention.
To author, you sure this is your first fic? I would love to have a "first fic" of this quality! Post chap 3 soon please!

Bayleef Mistress
16th June 2005, 9:20 PM
This is a GREAT fic! Let's look here....

Description: 10/10 I can picture the story in my head. You've done a great job on it.

Word Choice: 10/10 Outstanding! The only way I could put words like that is from a dictionary. But you have made great decisions on which words to use.

Spelling and grammer: I see no technical errors. 10/10

Length: 8/10 The chapters could be longer, but it's alright.

Origianality and plot: There is only two chapters, so the plot isn't really coming out yet except for the battle Ash is going to be in. And I haven't read a story like this. 10/10

Characters: Ah, the characters we all know and love. Even a new trainer! 10/10

Let me see, a 90! Excellent! Just work on the length a bit more, and you'll have a 100!

mindripper
16th June 2005, 9:40 PM
To Lucifer elemental:
Firstly, thank you for the review. Chapter 3 will be up tomorrow. That is the last of the truly introductory chapters(chapter 4 will throw up some issues), and the story presents itself after that.
To loosemoose:
I sincerely thank you for the compliments, whether deserved of not, will have to be decided in due time.
Ah, I had fun writing those lines. They made me laugh too!
Your last comment was right, in a way. This is the intro, and it makes no sense to go for the throat where descriptions and vocabulary are concerned. They will all get better with progression of the story. There is a little seven line poem in chapter 4(tentatively, dependant on spacing), that I composed, and am a bit proud of.
It was incorrect in the sense that without more detailed descriptions, I could let the humour flow easier. There are situations later in the story which overshadow the "May" moments, but I had to work hard on those.
This IS my first fanfic. But I have done some writing before.

To Bayleef Mistress:
I am glad that you like the fic. There is no greater praise than that. Length of chapters will increase. Chapter 3 and the rest of the chapters will be about 10 MW pages each. Hope you all can bear with me. There is a very nice story ahead, and I hope you guys are around to share it with me.

By the way, I am looking for an "editor" of sorts, who can sieve through my ideas and tell me which ones work for people here. My main plotpoints are already set and cannot be changed, and neither can the climax and ending battles, which I already have planned. I will accord this "editor" with appropriate gratitude, and credit him/her with the creation of this fic as well. WS seems to be in, but perhaps one more would be good. PM me!

Psychic
16th June 2005, 9:42 PM
HaHA! I came, as you requested. Read, as you requested. Now I am reviewing, as requested! :D


First off, lemme say that this is a great fic. Personally, I never liked Ash and co. fanfics, but you’re awesome at it!
I guess what I really liked was making fun of the characters. That was fresh, how you sorta poked and prodded them whenever you had the chance.
Man, WAY too many hilarious moments to list. But my Lord, the monkey thing…aw, that was the icing on the cake. Just too good. The random fight between Max and Ash was a bit overdone, but that’s why it’s so funny, even though it’s a bit weird to imagine Ash picking on a wee child. XD

I guess I’ll do my whole review later on, since you say that that’s when things will heat up. So I wait, not that my review will change much, I don’t think. ^-^

I just want to say though, that I liked your description a lot. Somehow it was very new and interesting.
I just love your writing style! ^_^


Mistakes:
A good few of these, as opposed to what Bayleef Mistress thinks, not to offend. Here are a few that I was actually able to find and pick out.


“Aw, are you okay??? Are you both ok?? Our rocker-to-be bent over his fallen comrades, checking them visually for signs of deeper injury.
You forgot to close the speech think. Forgot your closing quotation marks after ‘Are you both ok??’



“You want me to come all the way to wherever you are, whenever you want, to do whatever you want and however you want?? Misty retorted with the velocity of a machinegun.
Again, you forgot to put the quotation mars to end Misty’s retort.



“Well, yeah I did but…… But there are like millions of trainers challenging the gym and I can’t just leave my sisters here… No insult to them but they’re just going to be road kill… Sigh, I’ll see what I can do, just email me the details and I’ll see what I can do… No guarantees though.”
When somebody sighs, they do not say “Sigh”. If somebody sighs, go like this:
“I doubt he’s THAT stupid.” Kate said with a heavy sigh.
Or
“Not that it matters.” she added, sighing.
Or
With a long sigh, Max kicked off his leather boots and flopped onto the couch.


Ok, maybe the last one didn’t help prove my point, but you get the idea.

Father Time crept slowly but surely by, and the surrounding woods, which when bathed with the evening sun was a truly beauteous zenith of Mother Nature—the soothing songs of the birds as well as the faint mating calls of the insects, the murmurings of the meandering brook nearby, the blood-red sunset through perfectly carved vistas and the canopy of the forest, impenetrable by light yet seemingly bathed in a golden halo, had given way to a much more mundane picture when night finally fell, and deepened.
Longest sentence I’ve even seen. Maybe you want to try and shorten it down to two or three. I don’t know where; I’m horrible at fixing run-ons and stuff.


To conclude, I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for asking me to read it, else I would not have giggled at all your funny jokes or become entranced by your interesting descriptions.

Keep up the awesome work, you’re doing great!

~Psychic
PS: haHA, now you have to read ‘The Mutations’! I am so evil. :D

Bayleef Mistress
16th June 2005, 9:54 PM
A good few of these, as opposed to what Bayleef Mistress thinks, not to offend. Here are a few that I was actually able to find and pick out.

Damn! I guess I did miss those punctuation mistakes. *Puts face on computer* Sorry I didn't see those

mindripper
16th June 2005, 9:57 PM
To Psychic:
Ok, I corrected the quotation mark errors. thanks for those! It really is easy to miss those.
For the "sigh", there are those times in speech when we say something that goes like "Haaiiii". Instead of using the latter, I chose to make the speech more realistic, and have "sigh" instead. For those who do not know, the word "sigh" was derived from our speech, a direct phonetic inclusion to our language. And since they were kinda talking over the phone, I wanted everything to be communicated through their words, even a sigh. Sorry, but I think I would keep that. just opinion, not saying I do not accept your proposal. :)
Long sentences are another thing I love, because they are more powerful than short stacatto sentences. As long as they are used correctly they work very well. The author I draw my serious style (as in essays and other work) from uses long sentences often as well, and I just followed!

Psychic
16th June 2005, 10:27 PM
Damn! I guess I did miss those punctuation mistakes. *Puts face on computer* Sorry I didn't see those
Don’t worry about it. Just a few mistakes, nothing to bang your head againt the keyboard about. Unlike trying out for Jewish Idol and starting off an octive too high and forgetting the words. THAT, that is something to die about. *bangs head on wall* I should have remembered those words! It wasn’t THAT hard…*breaks down sobbing*



To Psychic:
Ok, I corrected the quotation mark errors. thanks for those! It really is easy to miss those.
For the "sigh", there are those times in speech when we say something that goes like "Haaiiii". Instead of using the latter, I chose to make the speech more realistic, and have "sigh" instead. For those who do not know, the word "sigh" was derived from our speech, a direct phonetic inclusion to our language. Sorry, but I think I would keep that. just opinion, not saying I do not accept your proposal. :)
Long sentences are another thing I love, because they are more powerful than short stacatto sentences. As long as they are used correctly they work very well. The author I draw my serious style (as in essays and other work) from uses long sentences often as well, and I just followed!
I get your idea with the ‘sigh’ thing, though I, the one with the limited vocabulary, has no idea what ‘phonetic inclusions’ are and am therefore baffled by your long words and knowledge of the English language. XD

And sure, long sentences are nice, but they’re also hard to read. Not saying all your sentences should be tiny. On the contrary-I hate short sentences! (Sorta. There’s one! *kills* XD)
I’m just saying that you should break it up. Just in half, not into twenties, like a swordsmen would to their unarmored enemy. (OMG, crappy metaphor alert! Call the flying monkeys!)



Oh, I totally forgot to mention in my review-you don’t need to put more than one exclamation mark or question mark. One is fine. I’m not sure why you have this crazy thing with the number two. @_@


Anticipating next chapter! ^-^

~Psychic

sk0rp10n
16th June 2005, 11:26 PM
I agree with the person who said that the author has great potential, and I do think that this fic can potentially be the best around. An author who can mesh humour and detail so well is rare, and m'ripper has got it in buckets! I can almost feel that we are going to get bigger words, and more jokes to come after the intro, which is chapter 4?
I need chapter three!

Chapter three, chapter three, chapter three...

Trillian
16th June 2005, 11:27 PM
I'm still finding it hard to believe you're new to fanfic writing. This is great! I'll admit, I'm not into fics with the anime characters as the protagonists, seeing as a lot of the time their charcters are butchered, but I really enjoyed reading this one. Description is excellent, as mentioned by everyone else, and the humour is great. It's strange, it reminded me the humour of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as well! I found myself laughing out loud while reading the two chapters, something only parodies have made me do. I think this is a wondeful fanfic, and I don't really see too many faults. However, any faults I've seen have been pm'd. Keep up the great work, I'm looking forward to reading the third chappie!

Surfman
17th June 2005, 2:36 AM
I think this fic is very good. It's got good description (better than in my fic, I think), the characters are well done (maybe even a little overdone in some places, but that's not necessarily bad), and the plot looks like it can be developed greatly (and it has been). I especially like the article in Chapter 2. Also, I sense that there may be a shipping coming on...

It's not perfect, though. (I guess no fic is. Mine sure isn't!) There are typos (but there are those in pretty much every fic) here and there, there are a few overly long sentences, and the chapters are fairly short (a fault I think I may have as well, although it's not a major flaw - I don't think...).

Overall, though, it is a very good fic.

mindripper
17th June 2005, 12:45 PM
Ok. To surfman. You can PM me about the typos. I will edit where necessary. Long sentences are much more descriptive, especially when you are working on a description, because they are so much more powerful than short sentences, and convey a running picture, unlike a jigsaw of sorts if you use a series of shorter sentences. Also, I must add that this is NOT a shipping fic. The only reason Misty gets screen time is because I am a fan of the Kanto series, and she was great back then.

Notes about chapter three:
About 10 MW pages.
Last truly introductory story.
Battles are delibrately cut short, to show that Ash has been really training. Like in movies like Gi Jane and the like, they utilise short clips of the training which the character undergoes. I used the same.

mindripper
17th June 2005, 1:05 PM
Chapter three!! The last truly introductory chapter. This is mainly to showcase Ash's training and to hint at his dedication. Battles are delibrately short and concise.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



“Pikachu… Thunderbolt… Now!!!”

A bright flash of blue, quickly followed by an off-the-Richter explosion ensued, with a patch of burnt-to-black grass and an even blacker Beedrill to show for the efforts of our master-to-be hero’s favourite pokemon: the chubby, yellow electrifying rodent Pikachu, which thus put an end to the battle between Ash and a bug-catcher…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was then back to practice, training, and then more practice and more training for our hero and his team…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Squirtle, please get up… C’mon, GET UP!!!”

A blue turtle-like pokemon struggled groggily to its feet, its knees almost buckling but still with a steely determination in its eyes to win.

“Lombre, finish it with a quick tackle…” The bug-catcher (no relation to the one abovementioned, and it is through mere coincidence that both of Ash’s chronicled battles are against bug-catchers) cried out to his pokemon, which obeyed his command at once.

“Squirtle, withdraw into your shell, and brace yourself for the blow…”

The turtle pokemon lived up to its classification and ducked into the safety of its hard well-nigh impenetrable shell and braced itself for the attack by Lombre. Ash counted off the seconds to impact and once the two pokemon collided, screamed to Squirtle to halt its movement (the impact had caused Lombre to recoil away and Squirtle to jet backwards) using a hydro-pump to propel itself into the air. The instruction was followed down to the letter, and powerful jets of water emerged from the spinning shell, sending it flying into the air, where its head and limbs reemerged.

“Oh, yeah?? Lombre, bullet seed the Squirtle now!!”

“Use your body weight to descend faster and to duck those seeds… Use the time before you hit the ground to ready yourself for a skull-bash and then execute!!”

Once again, the orders were followed without a hitch, with Squirtle maneuvering past the high velocity seeds spewed out by Lombre before charging at and ramming the Lombre square on with its hardened skull… The match was over with that move, as Lombre lay sprawled on the grass, unable to continue…

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Even more practice, even more training…

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“Venusaur, now that you’ve got that Grovyle in your vines, slam it into the ground!!”

Our quick thinking hero’s head spun as he tried to think on his feet. A solution quickly emerged…

“Grovyle, vine whip and grab on to those two trees there. Use them as support,” thus came the calm and collected counter to the impending supposedly battle ending slam attack that Venusaur was about to utilize. Ash’s pokemon obeyed and in a split second had a firm grip around two huge trees, resulting in the Venusaur being unable to budge our innovative hero’s plucky pokemon.

“Venusaur, you have the strength advantage, put more juice into it now…”

“Grovyle, Venusaur is not going to be able to move for a while… Use grasswhistle now…”

A lulling tune sounded out in the stagnant air, only punctuated by the thump of a certain heavy body collapsing onto the grass and a softer thump caused by the graceful landing of a certain object on the grass from a height. Our hardworking hero had triumphed, and was duly congratulated by his friends, who gushed about how he was on a huge roll, rotating his starting team to keep them all strong and coming up with clever battle strategies at the same time…

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Much more practice, and much more training

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“Ursaring, use toxic on Pidgeot…”

“Pidgeot, whirlwind, now…” Ash shot back, feeling a tinge of gratitude towards team rocket for giving his then-Pidgeotto much practice as Wheezing tried that move all the time.

The clouds of toxic gas (hence the name toxic for the attack) soon dispersed.

“Pidgeot, use quick attack!! Do not get too close all the time and try to disorientate the Ursaring..”

Pidgeot immediately literally flew circles around Ursaring, taunting it with dazzling speed and stinging attacks… Graceful pirouettes combined with dives and turns gave Ursaring (as well as the trainer) a huge headache as no matter which attack Ursaring used, be it slash or thrash (yes I know it rhymes), it was more than negated by the dazzling speed and grace of Pidgeot.

Ursaring, however, eventually grabbed Pidgeot’s trailing tail and held on for dear life, immediately obeying its trainer’s order to power up for a hyperbeam, its mouth opening wider and a blinding white glow emanated from it (it is the hyperbeam charging, folks; not the shine form Ursaring’s teeth). On cue, Ash shouted a counter-command and Pidgeot obeyed as though it had read its trainer’s mind.

“Pidgeot, take advantage of the delay, swift, now!!”

Ursaring was immediately peppered by small but rather painful stars from Pidgeot, and tossed its head back and roared in pain, causing the hyperbeam to miss its intended target (unless you count a poor tree as the target) and letting go of Pidgeot reflexively due to the pain. The ramifications of that moment on the battle’s outcome would be tremendous, which held true at once as Pidgeot resumed its darting, wheeling and spinning, and Ursaring resumed its game of “catch the shadow”.

Ash, spotting an opening as Ursaring visibly started to tire and took it.

“Pidgeot, fly to the back and finish it with a wing attack!!”

The results were instantaneous—before Ursaring could recover from its lunge, Pidgeot was already behind it and smashed a wing into the back of Ursaring’s head, causing the bear pokemon to crash senseless to the ground where it lay, over-expended by its fruitless pursuit of Pidgeot…

More cheers from Ash’s friends, as our telepathic hero triumphed yet again…

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Yet more practice, yet more training…

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“Charizard, hold on… Don’t give in!!” Ash screamed to his ailing pokemon, which resembled a charipopsicle after being hit by an ice beam, courtesy of Kingdra, crashing to the ground with a sickening thud, which for a normal pokemon would have spelt the end. However, luckily for our in-luck hero, his Charizard had been through worse and you know what they say about that which having failed to kill you making you stronger. A trademark flame burned still in the fiery lizard’s eyes, and which with a show of power, broke free from the encasing ice and returned to join the fray.

“Dusclops, nightshade!!”

“Kingdra, ice beam!!”

A deafening explosion rang out as the two attacks cancelled each other out. Our hero sighed—this battle was far tougher than any he experienced in the past few days. His friends echoed his sentiments: May seemed to have forgotten how to sit down, Brock had his hands jammed in his pockets and Max had forgotten all about which move to use against a certain pokemon, no mean feat, and was sitting there with mouth agape and glasses falling off. No one paid the glasses any notice.

“Typhlosion, swift now, on Dusclops.”

“Intercept with ember, Charizard!!”

Another explosion rang out with another two attacks cancelled out, with Kingdra’s ice beam the only attack to have scored thus far.

“Typhlosion, dig underground!!”

Dirt flew in all directions as the overpowered quail slammed its claws into the earth and dredged its way underground, no doubt evoked to be an element of surprise.

“Charizard, fly up now,” went the command, with Ash’s desire to protect his fiery pokemon exigent due to Dusclop’s ability to resist physical attacks, coupled with the fact that Charizard had been hit by an ice beam previously. An effortless leap and our fiery lizard became a full fledged dragon, capable of raining down fiery destruction.

“Kingdra, hyberbeam now, let’s take that lizard out of this fight.”

“Dusclops, disable!!”

Kingdra’s maw which had started to glow with a fulgent brilliance, a sign of a hyperbeam attack charging; just then, the disable attack hit home, stopping the attack in its tracks.

“Steel wing now, Charizard.”

A mind-boggling show of aerial power ensued, as Charizard covered the distance effortlessly and efficiently, slamming a hardened wing into a static Kingdra, which teetered but did not keel over.

“Dusclops, sidestep now, and finish it with nightshade. Charizard, anytime now…”

In the nick of time, Dusclops took a nonchalant step towards the right, not even pausing to worry about the Typhlosion which erupted from the earth right where it was a split second ago, initiating a nightshade attack at Kingdra instead.

“Typhlosion, no..”

“Right on cue, Charizard…”

As our oh-so-eloquent hero had just stated, while Typhlosion (and its trainer) had a look of confusion on its face as its attack missed the side-stepping Dusclops, and hung in the air doing an impression of Keiko from Free Willy, Charizard had blind-sided it, grabbing it from the back and lifting it high into the air, resisting a mid-air “flame on” by Typhlosion, who attempted a stationary flame wheel at the behest of its desperate trainer, in an attempt to make Charizard lose its grip, an effort that was commendable but which would not come to fruition on that given day, as Charizard, with Typhlosion in its embrace, arced downwards in an aerial seismic toss. The ensuing crunch from the impact almost shadowed the dull thud created when Kingdra hit the deck, a double knock out at exactly the same time.

Once again, our by-now-mentally-exhausted hero was victorious, and his friends wasted no time in once again showering him with glowing reviews on the battle, but what some dark part of him really wanted was to get hit by a giant mallet again.

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Still more practice, still more training…

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“Where in the world are we right now???”

“Yeah Ash, I thought we were supposed to be like taking a boat or something??? I only see forest for miles AND miles.”

Even Brock’s natural good nature had been somewhat eroded by Ash’s natural compass, or rather the lack of it.

“Ash, you may be a good trainer, but I’m sure glad they didn’t send you to discover America…”

“Ash, we passed that tree like a dozen times already, see that mark there??? And these prints here look distinctly like ours!” Our hero (being a bad navigator does not mean one cannot be a hero right??) looked totally exasperated, both from the heat and the flak he was taking.

“Ash, we were doing fine when Max had the Pokenav, I don’t see why you had to take it away from my bro and play leader of the pack!! I hate to say this but, I do not really fancy ending up in the south pole anytime.”

“In case you did not know Ash, that little arrow over there, yeah the one with the N on top?? That’s north, and green is forest. Forest not good. Blue?? That’s the sea. Blue good. We want blue.”

The stinging criticisms from mostly May and Max went on without reply, and our exasperated-but-yet-we-know-he-will-find-a-way hero wondered which was worse: words dripping sarcasm, or a heavy wooden mallet. He almost felt masochistic then.

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Sunrises in Cerulean were rarely affairs that would cause poets and painters to swoon, but on that given day, the Sun had risen like a phoenix from ashes, an iridescent concentration of fiery red that banished the last vestiges of nightfall, throwing its incandescence to every nook and cranny of the heavens, drenching the skies with collaged mosaics of red, yellow and orange hues which would sooner rather than later give way to cerulean blue. It was shaping up to be a good day for all the romantics around.


At least one person paid no attention to the glowing example of nature’s effervescent artwork, for the Cerulean gym had seen activity long before sunrise, as our hero’s dearest friend had long since begun preparations for the journey she was about to make. Maps lay strewn on her desk, remnants of her locating Ash’s coordinates and then figuring out the best way to get there. The location in question was a point along the north-west coast of the Kanto region, from which she was told the nest step of transportation would be via ship.

The unfortunate part was that it was not exactly the most accessible place around, surrounded by forest (which is where our heroes were the last we saw), with few paved roads conducive for vehicular transport. On the other side of the coin, she felt that she had plotted a fast enough route, which would see her catching the first ferry service from Seaport, the nearest town adjacent to the sea, to Greenfern town, the nearest nucleus of civilization to her destination, which would then be achieved by a buggy ride through the dirt roads.

“Let me see, have I left anything behind?? Compass, spare clothing, Pokegear, Pokenav, a little food, pokedex, some money and some accessories, all here, so guess I’m ready to go.”

Misty looked once again at the explanatory letter she had scribbled for the benefit of her sisters, and hoped it would be enough to keep them from worrying—they may not have treated her very well at times but she knew of their underlying kindness and had no intentions of reciprocating their sometimes unpleasant actions.

TO Daisy, Lily and Violet,

I am sorry for not informing you all about this earlier, but I did not want you

all to dissuade me from anything—it was hard enough deciding to go in the first place. Ash

called a couple of nights back to inform me about a tournament he was about to

participate in and wanted me to go see him perform. I rejected his offer on the phone but

I’ve been thinking, and I really do want to be there. It has been a long time since I’ve

seen him battle and I miss my friends. I should be back in a couple of days. Sure you all

can do without me and defend the gym till then. Please do not worry (as if you all will!!

But I know you guys care so…) as I can take care of myself now.

Love,

Your sister Misty


“Now for my pokemon,” our obviously-responsible heroine mumbled to herself under her breath and mentally ran through the pokemon she had, and quickly decided which ones to bring along with her and which ones to leave behind with her sisters to defend the gym. Eventually, she picked up the pokeballs which contained Gyarados (a great pokemon to have by your side), Staryu ( a five-star companion, forgive the pun) and Psyduck (she did feel sorry for all the mistreatment she put it through and decided on giving it a treat, a decision which would be regretted once it got out of the pokeball).

While taking a last look at one of the many maps she had laid out and grabbing her ticket for her ride upon the ferry to Greenfern, her groping fingers knocked over an oblong metallic object, which turned out to be a picture frame, with a capture of herself, Ash and Brock, together with Pikachu and Togepi grinning like Cheshire cats.

Instinctively, she used her right thumb to blot out Togepi, much like she grappled every single day to purge herself of the pain of losing Togepi. The emotional wound, which was then more of a throbbing bruise than a fresh bleeding wound, figuratively burst open again, sending fresh waves of emotional pain through her mind. Picturing her friends so happy with Max and May merely rubbed salt onto her wound, as she felt out of place in a group which she always considered hers.

There is another time and another place for this.

With that, she wriggled into what she called her “group outfit”, which she wore all the time when she visited them previously, and which comprised of a red tube-top under a yellow vest-like blue-collared jacket, fastened by a single blue button and completed by matching yellow shorts and orange sneakers.

Her striking red hair had already been done up into her trademark look, with a ponytail done up on the left side of her head and a floppy fringe which tumbled stylishly onto her forehead. Though she felt anything but ready to go, she snuck into Daisy’s room and placed her letter in a central position upon her sister’s dressing table, which Daisy would be sure to see when she dolled herself up upon awaking.

With the burden of uncertainty on her shoulders (and we’re not talking about her haversack here), she slowly pushed open the stone doors which acted as the entrance and exit to the gym and stepped out into the new day, with the aesthetically pleasing palettes of sunrise replaced by a mundane cerulean blue. The time for thinking and self-doubt was over, and it was time to face the world.

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The scorching morning sun and relentless humidity beat down on our heroes like a storm on a rock, as they trudged despondently through the seemingly never-ending greenery, for what seemed like hours (because it really was for hours). Even the insults had petered away as May and Max conserved their strength and focused their energy on their seemingly endless quest of walking from one tree to another.

“Hey Ash, why don’t you…” Brock started in a hesitant fashion, knowing full well the foul mood his friend was in.

“No No No No NOOOOO!!!!!” Our hot-headed hero intercepted his friend.

Pikachu did not look impressed.

“We are going nowhere… Why not use Pidgeot to scout so we at least have an idea of which general direction we should head in??”

Our not-geographically-inclined hero adjusted his cap (yes, it is still that official pokemon cap) for the umpteenth time and mumbled something unintelligible under his breath that sounded something like: “Aidoonneadyootootellmeewaddadoo”.

“Hey I’ve got an idea… I’m going to use Pidgeot to scout and tell us which way we need to head in.” Our brainstorming hero had one of his out-of-the-blue brainwaves, and while Brock, May and Max found our extremely bright hero’s idea disturbingly familiar, they said nothing with respect to his already battered ego and his foul mood.

“Ash, that is just such a good idea, I wish someone had thought of that earlier.” May enthused with mock enthusiasm; her pretty face scrunched up from all the hiking and her hair lank and limp against her forehead and neck from sweat.

“I hate to say this Ash, but you really outsmarted me that time,” Max stooped as low as it would take, losing a battle to keep his giant glasses perched on his nose after torrents of sweat had lubricated it.

Pikachu tried to look impressed.

Our ego-back-to-status quo hero suddenly had a newfound self-confidence about him, like a halo of light shone from around his head, and pulled out a pokeball and released Pidgeot, imploring it to scout ahead for directions, which was accepted with an answering screech and a flap of wings as Pidgeot took to the azure firmament above.

Our hero and his visibly-relieved friends waited for the reappearance of Pidgeot, which came soon enough, with the bird hovering effortlessly in the air and motioning them to follow it. A run-jog segment lasting about ten minutes following that brought to their noses the distinct smell of seawater and a much needed second wind, with the finishing line seemingly within reach. The fact that Pidgeot had in moments achieved what our hero could not in hours, armed with a Pokenav and compass no less, was either lost on them or simply pushed aside; such was the relief at being out of the forest.

Our on-the-go hero Ash dashed across the road, having spotted a refreshment corner with his peripheral vision, which was set up temporarily to cater to the liquid needs of the would-be participants, and promptly nearly got run over by an onrushing buggy-like vehicle with shaded windows for comfort against the searing sun.

“Hey!!! Watch it!!! People are crossing the road here. Getting here was already hazardous enough even without killer vehicles and blind drivers. And you (indicating the passenger), are a blind little Diglett—you probably lack the sight to see that you very very nearly knocked down a young man with a bright future ahead!!” Our obviously-got-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-his-sleeping-bag hero ranted and raved, arms pumping and flailing much like what a drowning person would do.

The buggy, which had screeched to a grinding halt centimeters from our lucky-not-to-be-sardines hero’s body, had its passenger door opened deliberately slowly, as if for a dramatic effect. Out stepped a lithe figure draped almost all in yellow, with flaming hair and a grin plastered on her round face.

“Hi Ash, guess when you asked me to be present here you were not expecting a blind little Diglett right?? A blind little Diglet who nearly ran down the same aspiring young man that I fished out from a river some time ago?? A blind little Diglett who TRIED to get here on time??

“Erm, you know what they say right?? Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.” Our Shakespeare-reincarnate hero paused for a moment to emphasize his point, which he was sure his friend would understand.

“Sticks and stones?? Words can never hurt you?? I have a question: what about THIS??”

Ash gets his head bashed in anime style by (yes, you all guessed it) a huge wooden mallet, and crumples to the floor like a squashed spring, but with a smile on his face.

“Hi guys, hi Pikachu, I missed you guys lots—not one day passed that I did not have you all on my mind.”

The shocking Pikachu was the first to acknowledge, shocking Misty by jumping onto her and giving her a hug. Brock was next to welcome his friend back into the limelight.

“Hey Misty, haven’t changed one bit huh. But won’t have ya any other way. Welcome back, I missed you so much and you never seem to reply to my emails fast enough."

May was next, and though unsure of what exactly to say to someone she had come to respect, both from bed-time stories Ash and Brock sometimes told, and from what she saw for herself in the flesh when Misty visited them.

“H-Hi Misty, I’m glad you could join us; it’s always great to have another girl around to keep the boys in check huh??”

Max was straight to the point.

“Hey Misty, could you teach me how to do pack a punch like that (jabbing a thumb at Ash’s unmoving ‘carcass’)?? And you promised me the last time to show how you pull Brock’s ear… That was like sooooo cool!!”

I am sure our over-the-moon hero would have said something to welcome his friend back if he wasn’t like three feet into the ground at that time (shown anime style), but that is another point for another story.

“Hi to you all again… It feels good to be back too.

Well, Brock, every time I wanted to talk to you online you were always busy with another female, so (We all know the romantic tragedy that is Brock)... ...

May, you look as good as before, hope you have done well in your contests (May looked like something the cat dragged in with limp hair, dirty face and sweaty clothes)… ...

Max, all you have to do is to swing the mallet, and hit where it hurts, and hard. As for the ear thing, I’m sure we will have chances ahead of us.”

Misty then turned and walked towards her vehicle, causally stepping on our re-emerging hero’s head, causing him to fall back into the anime hole created for him, and retrieved her haversack from the vehicle, bidding the driver goodbye at the same time, standing back and watching as the buggy disappears with a trail of dust clouds—she was back, and there would be no turning back.

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Prelude to chapter four: A slightly larger battle as Ash negotiates the preliminary round of the tournament. Our heroes finally board the ship, which would bring them to their destination; as yet unrevealed, and for those who like poetry, I did a short, dark, gloomy piece. Description picks up in this chapter for real, and there is a nice funny bit which I personally like very much. Hoping to see you guys back again!

Avegaille
17th June 2005, 1:49 PM
That was a awesome chapter.... I can't wait for chapter four...

I didnt see much May here, but I'll bet she'll be cooler in the next chapters! ^^

sk0rp10n
17th June 2005, 3:03 PM
yes! Finally chapter three. As usual, the funny bits were present. The Brock bit about America was pretty good, and that part when Ash gets stepped on again after climbing out of the hole was great. LOL.
yeah, I got the impression that Ash was training. nice use of "clips" there. As always, your words flow very freely, and again, very nice language. Shudders to think about what kind of words we will be seeing in chapter 4. All in all, a great progression, and I mark this down as an imminent great.
"Dreams about part four" :P

Psychic
17th June 2005, 3:03 PM
Pretty awesome (once again)!

Not as much humor as I liked, but there was still the casual 'poor navigaot of a hero' kind of thing every once in awhile, which was nice.
LOVED your battles, I think they're just so new and invigorating (sp?).

Eh, you don't describe the Pokémon much, or the surroundings, but it still seems pretty good. It just might be better if you told a bit more about where Ash is where he's battling. If you can figure out how to add it in without disrupting your nice flow-well, that'd be great.




A lulling tune sounded out in the stagnant air, only punctuated by the thump of a certain heavy body collapsing onto the grass and a softer thump caused by the graceful landing of a certain object on the grass from a heigh Our hardworking hero had triumphed, and was duly congratulated by his friends, who gushed about how he was on a huge roll, rotating his starting team to keep them all strong and coming up with clever battle strategies at the same time…
After 'height' and before 'Our' there should be a period. The end of one sentence, the beginning of another...


And how does Kingdra fight? It is a water Pokémon, and I don't think it can survive on land, so does it just float in the air? Is there a pond nearby that it was swimming in?


Again, what's with you and adding so many question marks? You only need one...



...and that's about all my comments for this Chapter. Just keep up the awesome work! :D

~Psychic

Wes
17th June 2005, 3:05 PM
That was great battle description! I love the humor of it all! Max wanting to punch Ash's lights out. *Chuckles*

mindripper
17th June 2005, 3:13 PM
Skorpion-- part four will be up shortly. no worries about that.
Psychic-- Ok, I see I need to do some explaining. For the periord mistake, I think I accidentally deleted it while I edited the fic just now. checked my hard copy, and it was there. I deleted a letter too.
Ok. Why did I not describe where Ash was battling? because it was not all done at the same place. I meant it over a short period of time, perhaps a couple of days, as they were travelling. They were meant to be "clips", as skorpion said, much like those movies in which you see the hero training hard. Remember "Daredevil" and how Elektra was training? Something like that! I did not want to make a "clip" segment seem too long, so I decided to stick my neck out and take a risk with the descriptions. They will resume in the next chappie.
Remember the old anime? horsea and some other water Pokemon like Staryu could battle standing up, so I figured Kingdra would be able too as well. Just balancing on its body. You get my point, right?

Psychic
17th June 2005, 3:36 PM
No no, I understand. I meant that if you could help it, add in some description. Not enough to disrupt the flow, but just so the reader can get a general idea.
Yes, I know what you mean by clips, and though I have never seen Electra (though I want to REALLLY badly-is it good?) I know what you mean. I know perfectly well what you mean.
And meep, like I said, if it disrupts the flow, leave out description, but if say Kingdra was charging up an attack, that's the perfect place to add a small, quick blurb. I'd give a crappy examply, but I'm too lazy. -_-

And sure Staryu you battle out of the water, stand on two star points, but...not that it makes such a huge difference, but this water Pokémon probably has gills. Plus...it's balancing on it's weird curly tail. That's...an entertaining thought. The seahorse Pokémon...seahorses need water to breathe...I think...darn. Now I have to go do research! :(
Or NOT!
OMG, Psychic is soooo lazy...

~Psychic

mindripper
17th June 2005, 3:42 PM
Actually, we cannot be too technical about biology of Pokemon. Starfish cannot survive in air either. Kingdra can coil itself into an "S" shape and stand. In my mind that was what happened.
Sorry. I really cannot add desc, even if I could create openings by having the environment play a role in the battle, because the idea is just to show the furious ends of those battles. Chapter 5. I promise you a brilliant battle. Every move fleshed out. You will love it (I Hope), or you get your money back.

Psychic
17th June 2005, 4:33 PM
*shrugs* Meh, tis your fic, dude, not mine. Do what you must. *goes into damsel-in-distress pose*
haHA! But then how would it move around?
-_- This is just Psychic being an idiot. Ignore her if you know what's good for you. She's too busy being lazy to rant, and she is not good at holding in rants. So whatever you do, don't answer.

And yes yes, furiosity, yes yes yes. Show intenity of training, excetera, excetera, excetera.

And I have yet to read one of your battles that I haven't liked, so fat chance of me not being satisfied.

Will shut up now.

~Psychic

Sike Saner
17th June 2005, 5:31 PM
^Just quoted the same passage I was about to :D ! Seriously, that was frickin' hilarious. You are giving me a whole new level of appreciation for Max.

Oh, I also really liked:


(it is the hyperbeam charging, folks; not the shine from Ursaring's teeth)

I loved that! For a split second, it made me picture Ursaring using one of those Whitestrips...

The battles were excellent, and yet, you threaten that we can expect even better?! Wicked...can't wait!

mindripper
17th June 2005, 5:47 PM
Thanks guys, I liked that part a lot too!
I'm glad that you guys actually get the humour. That was one of my fears when I wrote this thing months ago.
I do not threaten that the battles get better. That was the way I planned it though, with each battle better than the last. Chapter 3's battles were not really battles though. Chapter 5's battle is my personal favourite, even though there are other battles which are longer. I can see the climatic battle in my eyes, and I assure you guys that one will take the roof off. Thanks to all thus far!

GoldenNoctowl77
17th June 2005, 6:12 PM
Nice chapter mindripper. The battles were very well described but I sort of drifted off after reading so many that had no emotional impact or strive for anything. They were done extremly well though, there was just a lot :p

There is some grammatical errors that I noticed but I don't think it takes away from the fic. The description is good and it continues with that "Hitchhiker's" feel. I like your description of Misty's pain of losing Togepi.

Keep it up man!

Nashua
17th June 2005, 6:32 PM
I might as well give it a shot.
The description of the places, the contrasting views of the characters....both ways are pretty good. Also, the battle scenes are not to be forgotten.
Overall, I would say that this is a WELCOME change of pace from the typical stories with Ash, Misty and May in it(no offense to anybody who writes these types of stories).

Emma Iveli
17th June 2005, 7:24 PM
I liked the part when Max and Ash were fiighting in the first chapter, when Ash was lost in in the third and when Misty brought her intermesional mallet of doom, esplsly the aguemnt. Note to self: have an agument with Ash and Peter in Pokemon Angels. So far I like it.

billy5772
17th June 2005, 7:45 PM
I liked this chapter more than the previous ones. The clips of different battle endings was really good. I liked the strategies that you implemented in those. Are you going to delve any further into the whole Misty-lost-togepi thing? Are you gonna tell us how it happened. (please hit me on the head if that's something that happened in the anime and has already been explained. What can I say? I just don't watch the show!) Anyway, descriptions were very nice, heightened by use of metaphorical language and such. Good job in that department. In the dramatic moments, though, the author's comments (comedic stuff) seemed a little out of place. It just seemed like you were trying to convey Misty's feelings, and the sad or contemplative tone was just a little thrown off by the remarks. It was not a big problem at all in this chapter, just something to take into consideration for future chapters. Um, I found a couple of semi-stakes (is what I call mistakes that are either very insignificant or mistakes that I'm not sure are mistakes at all.)


“Ash, you may be a good trainer, but I’m sure glad they didn’t send you to discover America…”

Wasn’t getting lost what allowed Columbus to discover America, or better yet, not knowing what was out there? It just doesn’t seem like it’d be a good way to criticize a bad navigator.


Greenfern town, the nearest nucleus of civilization to her destination

Eh. Not incorrect, just worded a little funny. “the nucleus of civilization nearest her destination” just seems a little clearer.


Ash, that is just such a good idea, I wish someone had thought of that earlier.” May enthused with mock enthusiasm; her pretty face scrunched up from all the hiking and her hair lank and limp against her forehead and neck from sweat.

This isn’t a mistake if you meant for “May enthused…” to be a separate sentence, but it is if you meant for that to describe how May said “Ash, that is just such a good idea,…” because there should be a comma after ‘earlier’ in the latter case, and not a period. I don’t know about that semicolon either. It seems like a comma would’ve sufficed.


“Hey Misty, haven’t changed one bit huh.

“Hey Misty, haven’t changed one bit, huh?”

Well, also there were some commas that seemed misplaced, but I won't point those out because I have some comma issues mahself and it'd be kinda hypocritical.

Overally, excellent chapter! I am anxiously anticipating these upcoming battles you speak of and the development of the whole Misty-Ash-Everyone else situation. Keep it up!

P.S. -
I have never seen Electra (though I want to REALLLY badly-is it good?)

Not really. It wasn’t that good. Oh! And


excetera, excetera, excetera

Etcetera is the correct term. It comes from Latin words ‘et’ and ‘cetera’ which mean ‘and’ and ‘others’ respectively.

mindripper
17th June 2005, 8:05 PM
To billy:
Ok, I see I have some explanations to make, and I do it gladly, as always.
For the America line, it was not so much about the discovery of the continent itself, but rather meant to drive home the fact that Ash was just a useless navigator. Besides, Colombus is not always believed to have discovered America. Amerigo Vespucci did, believing that they(the americas) were a new continent, while Colombus believed them to be an eastern part of Asia. America was named after the fella, even though his records are apocryphal.

May's line is a seperate sentence.

For the "huh" sentence, I meant it as a rhetorical question, as a statement by brock, more than a question per se.

For the line you think is wrongly phrased, it is a little weird, but only because we do not see it often enough. Older writers use it a lot! Just treat "nucleus of civilisation" to mean "town" or "city" and you realise that it is actually fluent this way.

Oh yeah, Misty lost Togepi in the anime, so I cannot really delve into that. I would like to "guarantee" better battles, but I do not wish to over-promise. better things to come, though

loosemoose
17th June 2005, 9:39 PM
Just let me say that chapter three was brilliant. I dont care what ratings this fic gets, be it one or five, but I do believe this piece is just so good. I like to laugh, and this chapter did not let me down at all!
I saw the occasional questionable punctuation choice, but nothing really major.
WE need more peoplw in the forum to write like this, no insult to the other writers, though. I have not rated it yet, but I know what I will probably give it, and to those who give it anything less than a solid 5, do post your reasons, and do be fair, because this fanfic is one of the best I have seen in my life, and I spent a lot of time at ff.net. C'mon dude, hurry up with chap 4!

Trillian
18th June 2005, 2:44 PM
Yep, as per usual, a great chapter! Apart from the mistakes that others have pointed out, I see no flaws. Keep it up!

Sequoia
18th June 2005, 3:39 PM
...wow, i finally got round to reading your fic midripper ^^ anyway, i guess this is a pretty good fic, except for the odd puntuation mistake...length is pretty good, and grammar seems okay...overall, i would definitely read this fic again XD

Water Spirit
18th June 2005, 4:02 PM
Well mindripper, I am delighted to say that I am thoroughly enjoying reading this fic and am honoured that I have been able to preview future parts. ^_^ There is such much brilliance and creativity yet to come that is such to keep your on-growing audience on it's toes.

Your writing style is incredible - very unique and very mind-gripping to keep readers thinking yet still enjoying this true masterpiece.

What impresses me the most is your description and imagery using unique combinations of words. You do not follow the cliches and regular phrases of description but look beyond the horizon to create new and effective ways to describe your story. ^_^ Well done.

I especially like the battle scenes, you go into great depth to produce some very effective and powerful scenes though I have to say, on the whole, the story so far is excellent.

I know that your readers will enjoy everything that is yet to come and I'm happy to be with you every step of the way. ^_^

Congratulations and wishing you the best for the future of this fic. Hope to read more soon!

Take care

WS
XxX

The Burnt Shadow
18th June 2005, 4:13 PM
Well I've finished reading your fic and overall it was really good. Keep up the good work. I was also wondering if you're going to put Team Rocket in there?

Remember... to do what you said you would do.

Shining Lugia
18th June 2005, 9:04 PM
~Local SL Review~

I must say, mindripper, the way you write is fantastic. I don't see any flaws, and the description...much, much better than mine. I can't describe things for crap, even though I love writing fics...I most certainly hope there won't be any shippings, since I like both May and Misty but don't want them fighting over our hero Ash. Overall I love the story! I hope you continue this and don't give up on it!!!!
BTW, where's Team Rocket in all of this?

~SL Over And Out~

of Montreal
18th June 2005, 9:48 PM
Hi, mindripper.

I do like your story very much. So far you've had intense battle sequences and you've been developing these characters in your own way very well.

There's only one flaw that I can see (or just one of my pet peeves) : you seem to get overdescriptive sometimes. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but sometimes it seems like you've been visiting thesaurus.com a little too much.

This isn't that noticeable, though, and overall I think you're off to a good start.

xsweet_peax
19th June 2005, 2:21 AM
Well, I just read the past 3 chapters and I'm kinda weirded out XD

I mean, the first two chapters mostly. At the beginning of the first chapter, Ash and Max fighting like that was totally OOC. I would rarely see Ash screaming like THAT =] and Max hiding behind his sister frightened over Ash yelling at him. Max doesn't seem like the kind of person that really depends on his sister like that and would be frightened by Ash. He would most likely give Ash a piece of his mind. Also, the end of the second chapter really made me go "WHAT?!" because you made May look really...DUMB. Its kinda insulting...

Other than that, everything was great. You have great description and awsome battle scenes. Your story has depth and its interesting.

mindripper
19th June 2005, 5:17 AM
"I was also wondering if you're going to put Team Rocket in there?"

I can safely affirm that they will appear in this story, but not so soon. Chapter 6 at least, depending on how many pages of MW text I squeeze into a fanfic chapter.

"I most certainly hope there won't be any shippings, since I like both May and Misty but don't want them fighting over our hero Ash."

This is not a shipping fic, and was never intended to be one. All characters, inclusive of Ash's friends, have their parts to play in this, as do other characters, who and which are as yet unrevealed. I know that shipping is a factor as far as the anime is concerned, but when I planned the story out, I planned it as an adventure, as a mishap, as a test, as an event of self-discovery, and while I am sure that May and Misty fans have reasons to believe in romantic notions, I can only say that I left it open-ended.

Misty fans will obviously be happier, becaue I love Kanto and thus she gets more to do in the fic, while Ash plays off her and vice versa. I saw May as someone who had a lot to learn about the world, and while a tad ditzy at times (in a good way), she will come good in the end, and I have something important for her to do towards the end. Never are the two rivals, and shipping is not really an issue with this fic. Perhaps someone would one day continue this fic and expand on that, but that is not an issue for now.

"you seem to get overdescriptive sometimes. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but sometimes it seems like you've been visiting thesaurus.com a little too much."

Okie, let me see about this. The best way I can answer questions about detailed description is a quote which I once saw, and though I cannot remember what it is, I have an altered version. In life, no matter what we do, be it through our actions or intentions, we paint pictures for others to see. When we feel sorry for a homeless man, our intention would be to paint a happier picture for him. When we design a house, we bring a part of our imagination into realisty. When an artist does his job, his thoughts are mirrored on his canvas. A writer's job is to paint pictures straight from his imagination, using prose as a medium, enabling others to see what he sees, and then fiddle using their own imaginations. Would a writer have then done his job if he had portrayed a sunrise as a yellow ball rising into the sky, when we know it is so much more than that? Too much desc is not great either, but for facts and fixed pictures which writers want their readers to see in the same light, writers tend to be more descriptive, while flexible stuff like sunrises are done more generally, so that readers play with their imagination.

I fought pretty hard to maintain that balance here, and there are some things in the later chapters which I needed readers to see from my point of view, and thus I was more descriptive. Otherwise, I tried to keep it down. As far as vocabulary is concerned, I do not really use a thesaurus, but neither am I afraid of using bigger words. Many words are simple on their own, but profpund together. Thanks for your points though!

"I mean, the first two chapters mostly. At the beginning of the first chapter, Ash and Max fighting like that was totally OOC. I would rarely see Ash screaming like THAT =] and Max hiding behind his sister frightened over Ash yelling at him. Max doesn't seem like the kind of person that really depends on his sister like that and would be frightened by Ash. He would most likely give Ash a piece of his mind. Also, the end of the second chapter really made me go "WHAT?!" because you made May look really...DUMB. Its kinda insulting..."

Ok. I can only say this. Ash was doubting his own abilities. When Max questioned them further, something broke. Max was never hiding behind May, but rather using strategic sniping. The line about Ash glaring at Max-- MAx does bring May into the picture, but his main intention was to intellectually insult Ash.
May is not dumb. The anime poked fun at its characters, and I followed up on that. She will have a chance to shine later, during the climax.


PS: By the way, please note that I am actually using British english, not American. MY MW is set to American, though, thus many words are spelt differently, like stylised and stylized. Some words are automatically corrected by MW, while others are indicated as errors. That is the reason you see some American spellings and some British spellings, which could result in some of you guys thinking they are spelling mistakes. I apologise for that.

sk0rp10n
19th June 2005, 6:46 AM
Mindripper wrote:
In life, no matter what we do, be it through our actions or intentions, we paint pictures for others to see. When we feel sorry for a homeless man, our intention would be to paint a happier picture for him. When we design a house, we bring a part of our imagination into realisty. When an artist does his job, his thoughts are mirrored on his canvas. A writer's job is to paint pictures straight from his imagination, using prose as a medium, enabling others to see what he sees, and then fiddle using their own imaginations. Would a writer have then done his job if he had portrayed a sunrise as a yellow ball rising into the sky, when we know it is so much more than that?

^That, people, is just so true.
I al thought that Ash acting slightly weird was fine, seeing that he was under some mental stress. I never saw Max as scared of Ash, rather just making fun off his "glare" by associating with the pokemon attack.
Oh, and you said that chapter 4 would be up soon in your PM? Great! and it has a very high standard to live up to.

Sequoia
19th June 2005, 8:43 AM
"I was also wondering if you're going to put Team Rocket in there?"

I can safely affirm that they will appear in this story, but not so soon. Chapter 6 at least, depending on how many pages of MW text I squeeze into a fanfic chapter.

"I most certainly hope there won't be any shippings, since I like both May and Misty but don't want them fighting over our hero Ash."

This is not a shipping fic, and was never intended to be one. All characters, inclusive of Ash's friends, have their parts to play in this, as do other characters, who and which are as yet unrevealed. I know that shipping is a factor as far as the anime is concerned, but when I planned the story out, I planned it as an adventure, as a mishap, as a test, as an event of self-discovery, and while I am sure that May and Misty fans have reasons to believe in romantic notions, I can only say that I left it open-ended.

Misty fans will obviously be happier, becaue I love Kanto and thus she gets more to do in the fic, while Ash plays off her and vice versa. I saw May as someone who had a lot to learn about the world, and while a tad ditzy at times (in a good way), she will come good in the end, and I have something important for her to do towards the end. Never are the two rivals, and shipping is not really an issue with this fic. Perhaps someone would one day continue this fic and expand on that, but that is not an issue for now.

"you seem to get overdescriptive sometimes. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but sometimes it seems like you've been visiting thesaurus.com a little too much."

Okie, let me see about this. The best way I can answer questions about detailed description is a quote which I once saw, and though I cannot remember what it is, I have an altered version. In life, no matter what we do, be it through our actions or intentions, we paint pictures for others to see. When we feel sorry for a homeless man, our intention would be to paint a happier picture for him. When we design a house, we bring a part of our imagination into realisty. When an artist does his job, his thoughts are mirrored on his canvas. A writer's job is to paint pictures straight from his imagination, using prose as a medium, enabling others to see what he sees, and then fiddle using their own imaginations. Would a writer have then done his job if he had portrayed a sunrise as a yellow ball rising into the sky, when we know it is so much more than that? Too much desc is not great either, but for facts and fixed pictures which writers want their readers to see in the same light, writers tend to be more descriptive, while flexible stuff like sunrises are done more generally, so that readers play with their imagination.

I fought pretty hard to maintain that balance here, and there are some things in the later chapters which I needed readers to see from my point of view, and thus I was more descriptive. Otherwise, I tried to keep it down. As far as vocabulary is concerned, I do not really use a thesaurus, but neither am I afraid of using bigger words. Many words are simple on their own, but profpund together. Thanks for your points though!

"I mean, the first two chapters mostly. At the beginning of the first chapter, Ash and Max fighting like that was totally OOC. I would rarely see Ash screaming like THAT =] and Max hiding behind his sister frightened over Ash yelling at him. Max doesn't seem like the kind of person that really depends on his sister like that and would be frightened by Ash. He would most likely give Ash a piece of his mind. Also, the end of the second chapter really made me go "WHAT?!" because you made May look really...DUMB. Its kinda insulting..."

Ok. I can only say this. Ash was doubting his own abilities. When Max questioned them further, something broke. Max was never hiding behind May, but rather using strategic sniping. The line about Ash glaring at Max-- MAx does bring May into the picture, but his main intention was to intellectually insult Ash.
May is not dumb. The anime poked fun at its characters, and I followed up on that. She will have a chance to shine later, during the climax.


PS: By the way, please note that I am actually using British english, not American. MY MW is set to American, though, thus many words are spelt differently, like stylised and stylized. Some words are automatically corrected by MW, while others are indicated as errors. That is the reason you see some American spellings and some British spellings, which could result in some of you guys thinking they are spelling mistakes. I apologise for that.
you should try quoting mindripper, it's hard to see if you've replied to comments like that...

mindripper
19th June 2005, 1:35 PM
Righto. I know it is pretty quick and all, but chapter four is ready and waiting to go. First of the truly non-introductory chapters, and a tiny battle to boot. For those who like poetry, I tried my hand at it, and came up with a seven-line work. I did plan another three lines in my head, but I thought a shorter piece would get my point across better.
For all those who have taken some time to read through all that I have had to say thus far, I thank you all and hope that you will still be around for more. I will also include a short prelude to chapter 5, which showcases my personal favourite battle of the fic thus far, as in the part which I have completed. A little humour here and there as always, but this chapter has a small battle, as well as some desc, and those are the main anchors of this chap. Read away!

mindripper
19th June 2005, 1:57 PM
Here is chapter 4! As said, first truly non-intro chapter. A small battle and a nice lil poem in there. Not much to note, but chapter 5 is even better than this. I have provided a short prelude to chapter 5 at the end of the post, and in a couple of days' time I will post a preview, with some blotted words and all. Chapters will be spaced further apart now, since introduction is over. Thanks for reading!

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The area closest to the sea had been cordoned off and transformed into a multitude of arenas, presumably for the trials that were spoken of in the advert. A stage had also been set up and it was obvious that some sort of briefings were to be given before anything could begin. The mingling throng of trainers had just been ordered to register their names and pokemon teams via a loudspeaker, which had to be utilized to the fullest of its powers to be heard over the intermittent chattering of the present pokemon trainers.

After a lengthy two hour wait, Ash had finally got his clearance, registration, as well as registration number, and had his picture taken for identification purposes, as security measures would include random identification checks on trainers who had survived the culling of the preliminary rounds. His friends, during the two hour wait, had swapped stories and made some small talk, with certain extra curricular activities thrown in, such as Brock going gaga over no less than a dozen aesthetically pleasing female trainers, giving Misty ample opportunity to train Max in the art of ear-pulling, and even let her protégé have a few goes himself.

The group then welcomed our hero back into their midst after he had completed all the administrative work.

“Wa, I had no idea SO many trainers were going to turn up for this… I thought…”

“You thought that if just a few had turned up you would have a higher chance??” Misty chose to complete our miscalculating hero.

“Well, that was not really what I had in mind, but I do want to win this thing; it’s been a long time since I won anything at all.” Our luckless hero lamented his barren years.

“Aw, who cares, the tougher to crack, the sweeter the snack; this way I’m gonna look even better when I beat all these trainers and win this thing!! Right, Pikachu??”

“Pika-Pikachu,” our dear yellow rodent pokemon nodded its head vigorously to emphasize its trainer’s point.

“Trainers, please proceed to the stage for a briefing on what is to come and what you all have to expect in the preliminary rounds.” The loudhailer blared once again.

The throng of trainers and friends trickled to the designated area and buckled down for the speech that was sure to follow, and a clean-shaven man in his mid-twenties, dressed sharply in a suit with matching leather shoes which judging from the degree of polish could have doubled up as a mirror, walked briskly up onto the stage with a portable microphone in his hands.

“Pokemon trainers and friends who have gathered here today, my name is Mitch, and on behalf of my boss, who is not present at the moment but who has assigned me to do the talking for him, I wish you all a warm welcome and thank each and every one of you for being here. Many of you came of your own accord, while a select few were invited to participate in view of certain talents which we were fortunate enough to catch sight of. But it matters not how or why you came; the only thing which matters is how it is going to end. For some of you, it will end today in defeat, but despair not, for in defeat we learn the fundamentals of victory.

For those who will proceed to the latter stages of our little tournament (with a slight tinge of disguised sarcasm on the word ‘little’), I guarantee that it will be a life-shaping experience and one that will never ever be forgotten, be it through fame and glory or poverty and drought. But I digress; the preliminary rounds will consist of a single two-on-two match for each trainer, with the victor progressing. Every match will be monitored by both our representatives and our security team, which we will come to later in the day. Match-ups will be done at random, and you can view your opponents on the screen behind me (a large electronic screen had descended showing the possible permutations and combinations each trainer could face before picking an opponent). I wish each and every one of you all the best of luck, and may the best trainers prevail.”

Ash and his friends squinted to see who he was paired up with, and saw that it was a raven-haired girl, and that his match would take place at around the half-way mark of the process… …

Seats were provided for all the trainers as well as their friends to ensure their comfort as they viewed the ongoing battles, with four battles taking place simultaneously. It was clear from the offing that some trainers were obviously not up to standard, with some extremely lop-sided matches taking place. Yet, our slightly apprehensive hero had to give credit to the majority of the victors, with extremely potent shows of pure power, speed and improvised strategies married into a slick whirlwind of combinational attacks.

“The following 2v2 tag battle is between trainer Ash Ketchum, number 274, and trainer Felicia Marsh, number 057. Teams have been previously selected and the match will conclude once both pokemon in a team are unable to battle. Take your positions.” A monotonous voice droned, with each syllable adding to Ash’s worries—he had trained harder than ever for the Hoenn league, with this tournament a gauge of how far he had come—but with a strong team and better preparation, the fear of failure had grown exponentially, and it was this fear that gnawed at his belly and whittled his self-confidence.

Felicia, with long silky tresses dark as ebony and with a confident poise, whispered “go” under her breath and sent out her team—a Hitmonchan and a Meganium. The former was all brown, all decked out in purple boxing garb, and all danger. The fact that its perennially narrowed eyes showcased its miscreant intentions, while clenched fists adorned by purple boxing gloves merely amplified said intentions, did our hero’s cause no good at all. There are rumours that our laughter-is-the-best-medicine hero was about to break into a series of cackles, after realizing that the top of Hitmonchan’s head resembled a pack of french fries, but was “dissuaded” by a very dangerous-looking pair of fists. It is truly lucky that our hero had the presence of mind to hold his lips together, for if Hitmonchan had gotten its fists on our hero, that would mean the end of this tale, and the end of this author as well.

The latter seemed to be a curious amalgam of three perpetually equal individual beings, each with a central disc portion, with two horseshoe magnets acting as the equivalent of limbs and an antenna-like protrusion on its head. The thought that the antenna-like protrusion resembled a cable television antenna struck our analogical hero, but the resultant mirth was just something he could not conjure.

Ash’s gut immediately tightened up a notch and wished he was paired with some newbie trainer instead of Felicia, who did not look anything remotely close to a walkover. His gaze flicked to his friends, and their expressions mirrored his own worries, with Brock flashing a thumbs-up. His gaze rested on Misty, and she reacted by giving a tiny smile and mouthing a few words which looked a lot like “You better win—I’m not coming here just to go home!!”

“Ok!! Go!! Squirtle, Pikachu, I choose you!!”

“Squirtle-squirt…”

“Chuuu!!”

Thus came his team’s replies, and the time to worry was over, but the battle was just going to start.

“Hitmonchan, Mach Punch Squirtle, now. Meganium, start off with a vine-whip.”

Felicia had paired up Hitmonchan with Squirtle and Meganium with Pikachu for at least the former portion of the match, which was fine by our hero, seeing that Squirtle had more defenses against close attacks, while Pikachu had the speed jump on Meganium.
“Squirtle, duck to your left and tackle. Pikachu, agility, now, and duck the vines.”

Squirtle sidestepped the onrushing Hitmonchan easily and ran a shoulder into its knee as it thundered past, sending it tumbling for the “first blood” of the match. Our shocking friend Pikachu moved like a rodent with its tail on fire, zooming past the flailing vines easily.

Deciding to press his advantage, Ash called for Squirtle to lean in with a slash attack and for Pikachu to use quick attack, keeping the opponents on the back foot and forcing them to defend. Squirtle leaned in, extending claws for a slash attack, which was knocked aside easily by the dancing hands of Hitmonchan, which finished it by jabbing Squirtle several times in the face, sending the turtle stumbling backwards and out of range.

Meganium was then ordered by Felicia to use light screen, resulting in the appearance of a blinding sheet of light imposing itself between Pikachu and itself, and thus hardly even noticed when Pikachu’s quick attack hit home, but with our shocked shocking electrically charged rodent sliding several feet backwards.

“Waaaa…” Ash began before ending by cursing under his breath. Felicia was as usual the epitome of calm, as if the match were a foregone conclusion—Ash would have to do something special to outwit that lady.

“Squirtle, try using bubble to slow that thing down. Pikachu, use thunderwave, try to stop that thing in its tracks.

Hitmonchan easily warded off the bubble attack with its gloved fists, dancing and cutting through the salty air, plucking and smashing the miniscule circular projectiles which were headed its way. Meganium merely “sidestepped” the thunderwave, drifting aside with consummate ease.

Ash could see that Felicia’s pokemon were of considerably high level and that he would probably not win a long-drawn battle with her, and so decided to take a calculated risk.

“Hitmonchan, thunder punch, Meganium, tackle.” Felicia oozed calm even as she gave her orders.

“Squirtle, withdraw to avoid the thunder punch. Pikachu, jump over the tackle and use iron tail.”

Squirtle immediately ducked within its shell and braced itself for the incoming impact, while Pikachu went sky-bound and came screaming downwards again with its hardened tail looking to cause some damage. Hitmonchan’s thunder punch fizzled considerably against the hard shell of Squirtle but both trainers knew that some damage would inevitably be suffered even through that tough shell.

“Hitmonchan, carry on using thunder punch; Meganium, vine whip that Pikachu and follow with body slam.”

Hitmonchan, cocked its right arm again, ready to deliver another blow to the prone Squirtle, while the soaring Pikachu’s flight was abruptly halted by a vine whip attack.

Ash then saw his chance and took it.

“Squirtle, rapid spin now, to your right… Pikachu, use flash!!”

Squirtle’s previously prone shell started to spin furiously, digging furrows in the sand as it zoomed towards its right as ordered, knocking Hitmonchan off its feet.

“Towards the left a little, Squirtle…”

A swerving maneuver later, Squirtle had set its course unknowingly towards Meganium, slamming into its body, causing it to release Pikachu even as the ball of radiance Pikachu had become seemed to erupt like a flash grenade, illuminating the surroundings with such incandescence that all present had to look away or close their eyes. Meganium and Hitmonchan did not have the luxury though, as they caught the brunt of the flash attack and were instantly incapacitated.

“Squirtle, rain dance, then withdraw again!! Pikachu, standby and thunder to finish it!!”

A look of helplessness crossed the serenity of Felicia’s face, signaling what was to come.

Squirtle reemerged long enough to create a local downpour above the battlefield before withdrawing into its shell once again as the shocking Pikachu unleashed another earth-shattering thunder attack, which could be seen miles away.

Meganium collapsed at once, and lay still, while Hitmonchan, with true grit, clambered back to its feet, albeit on very shaky knees. Ash felt a rush of respect for a pokemon like that, with a huge refusal to stay down for the count, and which got up again knowing what was coming, despite being totally unable to do anything about it. However, a battle was a battle, and emotions had their own place on the proverbial pedestal, but it was not on the battlefield, and in battle, victory mattered the most.

“Squirtle, water gun, now.”

A torrent of water slammed into the shocked-but-unable-to-react Hitmonchan, and with the water gun attack also went Felicia’s hopes of advancing instead of our hero, a point which was set in stone as Hitmonchan lay on the ground after being knocked off its feet and stayed there.

“Trainer Ash is the winner and thus advances to the next round.”

“Ash, that was an absoulutely blinding victory, if you get what I mean,” Max was first up this time

“I was soooo scared but… But I knew our Ash couldn’t lose, and you proved it." May gibbered half in excitement and half in happiness for her friend.

“Wow, I never saw you do that before; that whack I gave you just now must have cleared up your head huh?” Misty was obviously relieved yet pleased, and showed it by squeezing our hero’s numb hands, more in excitement than anything else. “You are full of surprises, Ash, in more ways than one.”

“Hey Felicia, my name is Brock, and I am so sorry you lost. I was really looking forward to joining you on the ship for a romantic getaway and all; you know what city life and technology does to romantic sorts like you and me right?? We could do nothing but sun-tan in the day and count the stars at night… I am a breeder, by the way, and I must say no groomed pokemon could even come close to your beauty—so pure, so delicate… OW!!”

Misty had grabbed his ear and from the looks of things, had tried to remove it from his face completely, dragging a kicking Brock away from his “destiny”.

“Please, Brock, spare a thought for our delicate ears as well ok (stressing on the word delicate as a pun on what Brock previously said)?”

Our victorious hero’s head still spun from the adrenaline rush of the battle, even as he thanked Pikachu and Squirtle profusely for an exceptionally fought battle. The premise that there would be more to come unnerved him slightly, but with that battle, with the ebbing waters of Squirtles climatic water gun attack, left the uncertainties and the butterflies, and if there was indeed more to come, then he and his team would be ready and waiting. If he were to lose, then at least he would give the other trainer hell before he did.

“You are full of surprises, Ash, in more ways than one.”

His friend’s words echoed in his head like a dull headache refusing to go away. The meaning of the abovementioned sentence eluded him frustratingly, and he felt like a dog chasing his own tail, with the target so tantalizingly close, yet excruciatingly out of reach, like a horse racing after a carrot perennially dangled in front of its eyes as an incentive, galloping ever faster but with the carrot racing away faster yet.

Yes, there would be battles. Yes, there would be surprises, and from the way things were shaping out, the battles and surprises might not (could not?) be solitarily confined to within the battlefield—he would have to be ready for a smorgasbord of assaults, in more types than one, and in more ways than one. Our deliberating hero had never felt so alive before.


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“Whoa, I can’t believe that guy in orange with the Feraligatr and Hypno lost to a team of Marill and Skitty. That was shocking to say the least.”

Ash was doing his best impression of a dog when water has been spilt on it, after yet another series of matches, every one of them exhibits of sublime skill and strategy. Just as he was about to embark on yet another cacophony of praises for the spectacle he had just witnessed, our hero’s train of thought was cut short by the loudhailer again, which barked out its usual litany of words seemingly composed of singular syllables hurriedly stitched together to form words and sentences.

“All matches have concluded. All trainers who have qualified as well as their friends can proceed in an orderly fashion to the various booths already set up for confirmation purposes before boarding the ship. Thank you for the attention.”

“Well, that means us, right?? What are you guys waiting for, let’s go!!” May was more than happy to pop out of her seat after being glued to that position for hours.

“Yeah, let’s hurry up guys; first come, first served… ...” Our punctual hero immediately took stock of the situation and highlighted the most feasible option for his friends (let us forget about the debacle in the forest please).

The others nodded their heads in unison, indicating unanimous approval, and they trudged wearily towards the booths which were set up for them.

“Hi, this is Ash Ketchum, trainer number—”

“That will not be necessary; we have all we need here.” An overly cool male voice cut our nonplussed hero off in mid-sentence, indicating towards an automaton on his right, which had already scanned and captured our heroes’ features.

“Hey mister, my left side, which your little tin can took, is not exactly my good side!!” Misty ranted irritably at the staff on the other side of the counter, ticked that he had been rude to her friend in the first place.

“Miss, with all due respect, we all have a job to do and those (the robots) are just here to make our job a little easier. I can assure you that they have absolutely no bias whatsoever as to which side of your face they take, as what we are more interested in is the contours, complexion and all the other minute details of a face which are more difficult to imitate. As far as your good side goes, with such a charming face like that, the only way we could make a photo look any good would be to censor it.”

A suspicion of a smirk slunk across their assistant’s face as he eyeballed Misty with the attitude of one who is dealing with inferiority.

“GRRRR… After I’m done with you, your face is going to look like a baboon’s bottom!!” Our heroine had obviously kept in close touch with her more animal side, so to speak.

“Cool it, cool it Misty, you look really bad when you’re angry. Spoils your good looks; you know that?? Hey guys, why don’t you accompany Misty to the entrance while I pick up our passes and keys??” Our flustered hero tried to play peacekeeper (possibly because he knew well enough what his “feminine” friend could do”—they all already had a long day and the last thing anyone needed would be an unnecessary fight.

“Here you go, sir. Your passes and room keys. Enjoy your tournament.”

Ash merely nodded his head in agreement before taking the items and proceeding to join his friends to board the ship. The interior design was obviously the brainchild of a gifted but explicitly anomalistic mind—the furnishings were posh, yet there was a certain something lingering in the design, in the air, much like sometimes we see a patch of shadow prominently darker than night itself, as if it were cast by darkness and not by light; a shadow which looks and feels solid enough to touch, when obviously that would not be possible. Much like when the world itself holds its breath in a suspenseful situation, the air itself seems to take on an illusionary viscous quality, such that one could actually reach out and knead it into some exotic shape. It was not so much a certainty as a hinted presence, the kind we feel when the hairs on our nape rise, and when chills go down our spine for no good reason at all.

The wallpaper was a continuous tapestry, depicting colossal battles between what one would assume were pokemon—some of the likes of which even the most gifted and studious scribes (being studious is a scribe’s gift) would be hard-pressed to place even remotely. Huge scaly horned bipeds duked it out with balls of slime and goo, an impossibility in our modernized cognitive functions, and which surely were the hallucinations of some fevered imagination. The lighting was dim, adding an aura of mystery to the corridors and halls, giving a gothic feel.

“Where is the pool Ash, I wanna go swim.” That was Max breaking the ice there.

“I have no idea Max… Wow, this place looks like it was taken straight out of some movie set; it sure does not look at any of those cruise liners I have been on before.” Our informative and detail-orientated hero quipped matter-of-factly to his friends.”

“You guys, what exactly are those things??” Brock had seemingly got over Felicia’s ignominious exit and resigned himself to a trip to some unknown destination with people who sure as anything would not be sun tanning all day nor counting stars at night. Images of what could have been whizzed past his mind.

“I think they are pokemon Brock, just that I have never seen anything like them before in my life. They must be some artist’s impression, and I can’t say he hasn’t done himself proud. They look real enough to touch.” Our orange-haired heroine replied, gesturing at a particularly vicious looking creature with huge claws, razor teeth, green skin and a mean looking demeanour to round off its charming outlook.

“I think whoever did this was really sick, ‘cause no pokemon are evil, and these look as though they got some huge attitude problem.” May had something to contribute as well, running her fingers over the vividly depicted images with the trepidation of a young firewalker who was about to take his first baptism of fire, as if the gnashing teeth and grinding claws of the tapestry would reach out and injure her at any given moment.

“Hey, look at this; looks like some self-help quotable quote or something.”

Our heroes trudged over to where Max had beckoned them to go, and each one strained for a view of the faded words, with Max reading each word aloud for the benefit of them all.

There is only unimaginable pain, unending sorrow,

For he who lives a life he must borrow…

As the sands of time in life’s hourglass fall away, the clearer we should see

Though life at present is onerous at best, the future is barricaded and the past has already come to be...

Thus understand and grieve for the agony would be thine,

When you dream of Halcyon days and green vine,

Only to wake up screaming in purgatorial mine.

“That sounded really deep and complex…” Brock was the first to sound off.

“So beautiful; it painted a picture of a hell within a heaven, like it was written by a person who was trapped in a time and place he hated and did not want to be in.” Our heroine Misty stared starry eyed at nowhere in particular.

“Guys guys; I know it sounds like some really difficult to understand thingy, and I can see just how beautiful it could be, but I have absolutely no idea at all as to what that was blabbering about… ... I mean, what in the world is "halcyon??" I know popcorn and crayon but I’m sure that’s not what it is.” Our vocabulary-challenged hero griped about his friends’ fantastical reactions.

“Ash, my dear senior, it is about a person’s personal sufferings and it just makes you go ‘Wow!’”. Max explained slowly and clearly to his bewildered elder (our hero), pushing up his sliding glasses at the same time to achieve a distinctly scholarly look as well as putting a full stop to what he just said so our hero would not be able to rebut, thus killing two birds with a single stone.

“Ash, even I got that, though I did not understand a few words, but popcorn is just too far off.” Our puppy haired heroine number two chided her friend softly, chuckling at the same time. “I mean, no offence, but I think you wear that cap too often; it’s constricting your brain.”

“Oh Maaayyyy, if you still haven’t figured it out yet, if Mr. Ketchum here ever got Alzheimer’s disease or Down Syndrome, his IQ would probably go up. He’s about as smart as a deck chair right now.” Misty launched a below-the-belt volley at her dear friend.

“WAAA!!! I just CANNOT stand you guys. How could you have said something like that?? You’re all supposed to be my friends, and being friends means you do not make such personal insults!! If you still do not know, I am a human?? I have feelings too???”

“Pi-Pikachu!!” Our bursting hero’s shocking yellow friend had his way of applauding his trainer for sticking up for himself.

May and Misty exchanged guilty looks, while Brock and Max looked everywhere else but at their fuming friend, suddenly finding that the graphic depicting the ship’s layout had become soooo very interesting. May and Misty had made a silent pact to apologise for their barbed insults when… …

“I mean, you made fun of my cap!!! Do you know how many postcards I had to send in?? I practically went to hell and back for this cap, and you guys call the cap too stuffy??”

May and Misty collapsed to the deck with the passing of Ash’s diatribe but sprung back up a moment later. Brock and Max slapped their foreheads in utter despair. Evidently, a deck chair was proving to be waaayyy smarter than our mentally-slow hero.

“Ash, we’re sorry ok?? That was out of place. We know how much you love that cap. Erm, as far as that little poem thingy goes, forget about words like ‘halcyon’ and stick to the vocabulary that you know and are good at, like ‘Lickitung’ or ‘Cyndaquil’.”

Our forgiving hero nodded his head and thus marked the passing of the storm. A consensus was reached to return to their rooms to freshen up before planning ahead for later, and our heroes did just that, leaving the weird little poem behind, but with images of unidentifiable pokemon duking it out following them every inch of the way.

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Chapter 5:
First real battle of the fanfic, and as I have stated many times, also the batle which I like the most thus far, even though it is not the longest.
Some descriptions as usual, and we start to truly get into the swing of things here.
Will not be posted so soon, because I am spacing the chapters out, now that the intro bits are over.
Look out for a short preview from the chapter in a couple of days' time!

Joe-y
19th June 2005, 2:15 PM
Hmm, let's see. I read the first two chapters of your story, and I must say. You have quite the way with words. Your style reminds me greatly of my own, how you add little bits and pieces of extra words that don't really need to be there. However, I love the superfluous bits, but that's just me.

Your scentence flow is a bit redundant, but that rarely subtracts from the enjoyment I get from reading the passage, and it has at one point or another reminded me of my own writing. You might disagree if you've read my work however. You have scentence flow covered very well (which tends to be the largest obstacle)

I hate the word hugest, it reminds me of funner. (Personal peeve, saw it in one of the first two chapters)

However, you did have a few run-on scentences. One or two, and a few paragraphs that could have been broken up.

Your description was perfect, and well, british. You chose great words, and had a very nice way or combining them, instead of a very common "And it lookslike, with a, with a, with a, and a." Have you ever read any of HG Lovecrafts works?

You have some beautifully written lines as well, ones that I even said aloud "That is very good." Or just some generic sound for "good". I think that the english have a better way with words then we do, and mindripper is showing us up guys, we better start pulling our own. ;)

;213; Shuckle pwns you and you know it.

FlamingRuby
19th June 2005, 2:16 PM
Well done Ash...also glad you snuck in some Brock humor too.

mindripper
19th June 2005, 2:21 PM
Hey, while I use British english, I am not from the UK myself.
Oh for the "hugest" part, I believe it was when Ash thought about his friend? I wanted to show progression without using a big word, and without using "big", "bigger"... ...
I love long sentences, and the fact that they portray something much better. Personal knack of mine. Not saying if it is a good or bad thing though.
"HG Lovecraft"? you mean HP Lovecraft right? Yeah, of course! I borrowed a lot of my style when doing more serious works from him. My single greatest writing inspiration! Glad and very impressed that you saw the correlations! Too bad he wrote horror though. He would have been brilliant with fantasy.

To FR:
Thanks for sticking with this thing throughout. Hope you saw the progression throughtout the story!

Joe-y
19th June 2005, 2:42 PM
Of course I didn't! HG lovecraft wrote such goodies as, "The day he tied his shoes", and "Does that taste burnt to you"?

Actually it was a typo, and that man was as insane as his books would portray him. What's your opinion on the necrinomicon, think he wrote it? I say yes.

;213; let the shuckles be your god

Wes
19th June 2005, 2:54 PM
Wow just wow! You are really good at this stuff! Anyway where was I....

I think the spelling and grammer were good since I can barely find any mistakes. The humor is great! I wonder why people go crazy over the smallest things.

*Laughs over hat*

Anyway overall i think you did well and everything else was so suberb! Good luck as usual!

xsweet_peax
19th June 2005, 3:18 PM
wow. That was good. You always have such great battle scenes and your words...wow! You use just the right combo of words and all that. They are always perfected. Amazing. The only thing was the end. It was kinda weird but whatever. All good overall.

I'l be waiting for the next chapter. Too bad its not gonna be updated for a while. I like it when chapters are updated fast. Anyway, something that I'm REALLY disappointed at is that this isnt a shippy ficcy. I was really hoping for Pokeshipping and Contestshipping but oh well. Theres nothing I can do about it...

Joe-y
19th June 2005, 4:40 PM
Really well written, however as you keep writing your style changes from depicting whats happening, to witty observer. While your flow doesn't change, your style does, impressive to pull that off.

Just so you know, I'm hoping by "accident" max is thrown overboard and a brick is tossed in afterwards with a note attached to it that says "Use me as a flotation device. --Ash" Max grates my nerves like a grape in ju-ly

Seriously, your chapters are fun reads, and im interested to see how your style will continue to evolve as you keep writing.
;213;

loosemoose
19th June 2005, 4:46 PM
Oh I like this one. As always, great battle, and great desc. I had better stop praising you for that, because it seems to be the norm with any of your depictions. Very very good. Chapter 5 is gonna top that? great battle in there? Bring it on! Do not make me wait! ok, sorry about that.
Oh, hte part where Ash ranted at his May and Misty for insulting him, I really thought he was hurt, as in his feelings. When you had Ash asking them why they insulted his hat, I nearly fell onto the floor! Brilliant!
Every chapter thus far has been progressively better, and I really have a good feeling about chapter 5. Why do you not post on ff.net? I would love to have more people see this. 4 chapters in, and I already do not see how this fic is going to be anything less than a classic. Water spirit, you read more of the fic? WHY? HOW?

The Burnt Shadow
19th June 2005, 5:21 PM
That was awesome. It was pretty good overall. I'm looking forward for your next chap.

GoldenNoctowl77
19th June 2005, 5:50 PM
This was a decent chapter. The wording was excellent and the battle was pretty exciting. It kind of dragged after that but managed to keep my attention. Your word selection is astounding, and I admire it. Keep it up!

mindripper
19th June 2005, 5:54 PM
To loosemoose:
Thanks for the nice words. I will strive to earn them.

To the burnt shadow:
Thank you for sticking with me since chapter 1. I only hope that you have read something which you enjoyed.

To lucent Latias:
Yup, I wanted to be realistic about stuff. Squirtle has claws, meaning it should be able to learn slash. i also allowed pokemon to use moves that they can only learn using TMs, meaning Squirtle can do brick break and stuff like that as well. My idea was that a pokemon cannot logically be limited to four moves, and should be able to use everything it has to battle.
"Halcyon" is like a golden age, and is usually used in a nostalgic sense.

Mysteria Pearl
19th June 2005, 7:07 PM
The last chapter, chapter 4, was wonderful! The action was wonderful and you descripted very well. Keep up the great work. You did accedentially put an extra " after like

"Blablah." Max said"

right there.

sk0rp10n
19th June 2005, 7:50 PM
Best chapter yet. very balanced, with lead-ins, humour and great battle. I shudder to think that we will be getting better battles. I cannot wait to see what your personal fav battle is like!! Of all chapters to delay, you delay this one! NO!

As always, the narrator is great, and the snide comments from the narrator break up monotonous passages very nicely. The remark about Hitmonchan's head resembling a pack of french fried murdered me. What a wise### the narrator is! As joe-y said, the switching of styles mid-prose is very difficult to do well, but you did it, and in style. Chapter 4 showed new dimensions to your abilites, and as you had promised, each chapter has been arguably better than the last, and I wait to see chapter 5 trump this one. I am fast running out of superlatives as well, but I admire your unique style and graceful descriptions, and I feel that I have learnt a bit from reading this.
By the way, the poem was very nicely done, and is obviously foreshadowing some event later in the fic. More description to come? Great, and I would love to see you unleash more and more of your "arsenal", as water spirit suggested. You have a fan in me!

mindripper
19th June 2005, 9:01 PM
To Mysteria pearl. Thanks for the error. Corrected.

To skorpion.

Chapter 5 will be along soon enough. I will be away for a couple days at least, so it will have to wait for a while. the only thing which would make me release chapter 5 faster is the fact that my fav battle is in there. As for why some people have seen more of the fic, I used to psot here months ago, maybe a year, and this fic was already in the works then, so I showed it to them. I kinda left it in hibernation for months, but I recently decided to finish up with the half that is as yet unwritten.

Elemental Charizam
19th June 2005, 9:14 PM
“May, Ash is doing that glare thingy on me again!! I think he’s trying to paralyze me.”
XD A great example of the great humour in this fic. Reminds me a bit of Ash_Junior's Ash stuff actually...


But we digress. Some believe that Pokemon and Humans share an ancient bond, possibly forged out of co-existence even during ancient times. There are those who believe that in some long- forgotten cataclysmic age, Pokemon and Man depended on each other to survive, fighting side by side at all times, in a win-win situation where each complements the other and either cannot do without its other half.
The boldified full-stop should be a semi-colon :p


“Max, I think your sister is devolving into a perfect monkey…”

May looked stupidly at them, one hand holding a banana and the other scratching the top of her head…
Another of my favourite jokes, possibly the best May one I've ever seen.


More cheers from Ash’s friends, as our telepathic hero triumphed yet again…
He's telepathic? O_O I don't get that, even if it's sarcastic...


“Typhlosion, swift now, on Dusclops.”

“Intercept with ember, Charizard!!”
Normal attacks don't affect ghosts... or was that deliberate?

Anyways, a nice fic all in all. The plot seems to be shaping up nicely, with some nice foreshadowing using the fresco, which is a pretty origoinal idea. Though I can think of pokémon that fit the descriptions of all described, specifically Muk, Tyranitar and Rhydon. I guess I'll drop around to review next chapter.

DANdotW
19th June 2005, 9:50 PM
This is pretty good. I like Anime fics myself and the description here is pretty good. This is going to become a permanent read of mine, I can tell. I'll give a longer review for the next chapter, because I'm running out of time now,

HG

Sike Saner
20th June 2005, 6:24 PM
Ah, the workings of Ash's mind. Halcyon...popcorn...crayon...Why, that's a word association anyone's mind would make! :p Now you've got me appreciating Ash - no easy feat, friend. Congratulations!


There are rumours that our laughter-is-the-best-medicine hero was about to break into a series of cackles, after realizing that the top of Hitmonchan's head resembled a pack of french fries, but was "dissuaded" by a very dangerous-looking pair of fists.

French fries?! Oh, Lord, now I'll never look at Hitmonchan the same way again! :P


(let us forget about the debacle in the forest please)

Oh, let us not, it was hilarious!


"Oh Maaayyyy, if you still haven't figured it out yet, if Mr. Ketchum here ever got Alzheimer's disease or Down Syndrome, his IQ would probably go up. He's about as smart as a deck chair right now."

Yet another classic barb to stick in the side of poor ol' Ash. :D

I liked the battle quite well. And I LOVED the poem. Let me know if you put forth any more poetry in the future; I'll definitely want to be there for that.

Nashua
20th June 2005, 8:48 PM
Whoa, I can’t believe that guy in orange with the Feraligatr and Hypno lost to a team of Marill and Skitty. That was shocking to say the least.”

Okay, how could that happen? It's probably not my place to ask, but I just want to know in what way is that possible.

Ranting aside, the battle was realistically described. I found that scene when they were staring at the picture to be funny.

Nice work.

mindripper
21st June 2005, 4:19 AM
The boldified full-stop should be a semi-colon

Ok. My intention there was to put emphasis on that sentence. Newspapers do that a lot as well. Linking it with the following sentecnce seems to take emphasis away from the digression.


He's telepathic? O_O I don't get that, even if it's sarcastic...

Ash seemed to read his opponent's mind for that particular battle. It was truthful as well as sarcastic.


Normal attacks don't affect ghosts... or was that deliberate?

Ok, the main thing about this fic is that I try to be realistic. That is why i allow Pokemon to use more than 4 attacks, and also why I allow ghost pokemon to be affected by physical attacks, as you will see in later chapters. They resist those attacks, like in the trading card game, due to their semi-solid state, but they are not invulnerable to physical atacks, at least in my book.


Okay, how could that happen? It's probably not my place to ask, but I just want to know in what way is that possible.

It is possible. After all, Ash's team is pretty much made up of a fair number of basic pokemon, and they do very well against evolved pokemon. It was just to illustrate trainers' ability to cope with such odds.

Wes
21st June 2005, 4:25 AM
You got a point there. I call that telepathic statement, truthful, sarcastic,and kind of ironic? I can't wait for the next chapter!

Cs32
21st June 2005, 4:00 PM
Hey, you sent me a pm a while ago but ummmm....want a cookie? The truth is I haven't been on to check my mail in a few days. Though I think the personalities you gave everyone and the different form of talking....british american did you say? Well it cracked me up. I'm glad to see that Pidgeot and Squirtle are backe...because Squirtle is my favorite Kanto water pokemon and Pidgeot is my favorite flyer. Also of course CHARIZARD! LoL Well I have read all the chapters so far and you are doing very good....not much to see of improvment till like the tenth chapter I always think. Well i'm gone for now,
Later.
~~CS~~

Psychic
21st June 2005, 4:25 PM
Another awesome chapter! :D

...har, french fries. Never thought of it that way.
See, that's what I love about this fic-the way you think outside the box, adding in humor and sarcasm in just the right spots, making it cool! Constantly poking fun at characters...*sigh* you can only do that to Ash and company.

The only thing is here-

If you still do not know, I am a human?? I have feelings too???”
Those aren't questions, they're statements. I don't know what you did, but they're not questions...
And again with the multiple question marks! Why do you always add so many? One is sufficient.


Eh, nothing else to say...just keep up the great work! ^-^

~psychic

hyliansage
22nd June 2005, 4:55 AM
XD Hi! ^^

Haha. I have to say that, like everyone else, gotta love your sarcastic humor! ^__^ *loves sarcasm and sarcastic characters* Heh. That and I love the May gags. XDD And I like how you used a lot of Ash's older Pokemon. Gotta love the oldies! :D

Even though your style gets a little bit confusing at times and SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES Ash is sorta OOC in that he's getting too philosophical, you always drag him right back to his state of utter cluelessness with a stupid comment. XD Really nice. I also really like your descriptions, like I told you in my umm... last email... which was... quite some time ago! XD

Well... update soon, k? And I apologize for not reviewing earlier... School was bad... T___T

Sequoia
22nd June 2005, 12:30 PM
yeah, you have to admit there's a unique style there ^.^ sarcastic comments sounds like something i would do IRL, but then again, i run into a glass door every week -_- yeah, so i'm looking forward to your next chapter!

mindripper
23rd June 2005, 11:53 AM
Those aren't questions, they're statements. I don't know what you did, but they're not questions...
And again with the multiple question marks! Why do you always add so many? One is sufficient.

Ok, when I wrote it, I meant them as questions. Think about it. Ash was asking a sarcastic question. It could be taken as a statement or a rhetorical question, but I just had it as a question.

Ok. I am finally back, and without further ado, here is the 5th installment of this fic. Without a doubt, there are elements of everything which you have seen thus far thrown into the mix. Also, the first real battle takes place in this very chapter, and as a matter of opinion, is my personal favourite, due to the fact that it has something to do with an interest of mine, and was also the easiest battle to picture in my mind. For those who love description, there is more of that in this chappie as well. All in all, my best chapter thus far, IMO. Enjoy.

mindripper
23rd June 2005, 12:15 PM
Chapter five is here, ready and waiting for reviewers, fans and even closet readers to peruse and enjoy. A long chapter, due to the amount of detail I included, as well as a very nice battle, the shortest real battle of the fic, but my favourite. As usual, there will be a prelude to the next chapter, and as always, reviews are welcome.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m bushed. I’m going to just lie down here and never get up again.” Our tired hero plunked down onto a comfortable-looking bed and lay there unmoving.

“Hey, I’m NOT going to allow you to stink up my room… Go take a bath and scrub yourself clean. And don’t come out till you smell like the soap you’re using!” Misty yanked our hero off the bed and gave him a dressing-down, obviously imposing herself on her room-mate for the night, as May and Max stuck together, while Brock decided to crash with them after some deliberation.

“C’mon guys, lets go to our room; you do NOT want to be around when those two start squabbling; and DEFINITELY NOT when things start flying around here." Brock put a hand each on Max’s and May’s shoulders and lead them out of the room and towards the adjacent one, where they would be lodging for the night.

Our dirt-smudged and world-weary hero made his way to the shower and proceeded with his private business, which will not be elaborated on except for the mentioning that it was a cleaning process.

After a commercial break, we return to see that both our world-weary but clean and nice smelling hero and heroine number one alone in the coziness of their room. An uneasy silence fell between the two, not so much due to the lack of things to say or an uneasiness with the other party, but more due to nerves, like the time when we were all kids and there was this special, amazing story which we so wanted to share with the class but which kept getting stuck in our throats as anything short of rapturous applause would turn a beautiful story into a mere time-passing yarn. But, in our heroes’ situation, something just had to give.

“You know…”

“Actually…”

Our heroes both sounded off at the same time, and then looked sheepishly at each other.

“You go first.” Our hero was an exemplary apotheosis of the continued survival of chivalry, despite rumours that it was dead and gone.

“No, you first Ash.” Misty returned the compliment gracefully, even taking the time to flick a lock of flyaway hair from her eyes for dramatic effect.

“Ladies first, Misty.” Ash continued his show of chivalry, and then quickly clamped a hand over his mouth as he realized his mistake, as his show of dazzling knightly chivalry degraded to brazen martyrdom.

“Do NOT get sexist with me, Mr. Ketchum, and spill your guts now, before I spill them for you.” Our heroine growled, waving a fist for a threatening effect.

Our hero had formulated a perfect rebuttal in his mind, which went something like: “My dear, I said ‘ladies first’, but seeing you do not really qualify, and since you really insist, I will go first then.” However, planning to do something and actually doing it are two very different matters, and all that escaped from our quick-thinking hero’s mouth was a cross between a squeak and a constipated moan. Thank goodness for prose such as this so we can all see that our hero had actually thought of a rebuttal. As they say, the thought is all that matters. The thought was all that our hero had, but that is a point for another story.

So much for our brave-and-unflinching-in-the-face-of-danger hero.

“Ha ha, I was just joking. We both know I would never hit you unless I really had to right??” Our heroine shows her feminine side.

“Er, yeah I guess, whatever you say Misty… I just wanted to ask how you’ve been doing, in the gym with your sisters and all.” Ash absentmindedly rubbed the top of his head, where his dear friend, who would never hit him unless she really had to, had tried to make him shorter by a few inches with her mallet earlier in the day, and grimaced even as he completed his question.

“Well, it’s been ok so far. My sisters are a lot better to me nowadays. They’ve stopped ribbing me about showing up with you the last time we were there for your badge.” Misty remembered the sequence of events as if they were burned into her memory like a hot poker on flesh.

He’s not someone I would go for but then you’re no prize yourself.

“And I think they’ve really improved on their battling since you last saw them. Of course, it does help that they have an extremely talented, hardworking, devoted and good-looking to boot trainer helping them now… ...” Misty continued from where she had left off, casting a smug look at her friend as she voiced her thoughts.

“Oh yes, they really are lucky that Tracey is helping them quite often now, isn’t it?? And I heard Casey drops by sometimes as well.”

Our hero’s face was unreadable, like some top brass in the mafia under interrogation, as he divulged no sign as to whether he had just taken a dig at his friend or was really stupider than a deck chair. With a poker face like that, if his pokemon dream did not materialize (touch wood!), he could always quit the pokemon gyms for the strip’s casinos and utilize his talent.

Anyway, we are to take it that Ash did mean to rib his redhead friend. Ash 1-0 Misty!

“So Ash, how is your preparation for the Hoenn league coming along?” Our heroine coolly ignores the snide remark and changes the topic quickly.

“Great I guess, I have been doing more training than ever before and I’m using this thing as a gauge to see how far I’ve come and as some actual battle practice.”

“That’s great Ash; I think you’re going to go even further this time than ever before.”

“Yeah, I certainly hope so. What about you Misty, what are you going to do in the near future?? You sure do not look like the kind who will stay cooped up all day in a gym.”

Misty opened and closed her mouth once but could not conjure up a satisfactory answer—Ash had touched a raw nerve, and despite the many nights she spent standing in front of the mirror rehearsing what to say in the eventuality that a similar question was asked, it still flabbergasted her.

“My sisters need me there. It is my responsibility to defend the family gym. That is not something that I can run from.” Our heroine stated blandly, knowing at the same time that she had just pulled a weak excuse out of her hat.

Our curious hero opened his mouth to ask another question, no doubt, when the doorbell rang shrilly.

Saved by the bell; hope I never get another question like that from Ash, or from anybody else.

The door was opened to let Brock, May and Max back in. They had all obviously showered and freshened up, and took their places on the couch and a chair next to a circular glass table for miscellaneous uses.

“Ash, I called reception just now and asked about the itenary, so to speak, and found out that in about half an hour’s time there is going to be a talk by the organizer of this thing as well as some demonstrations. Dinner included of course. Sounds really interesting. Shall we go??” Brock held his hands and arms up in a questioning gesture and cast his gaze around the room. “Oh, and one more thing, Pikachu has to return to its Pokeball; Pokemon are not allowed to roam around on board this ship.”

“Pika!!!” Our rodent was determined not to go down meekly, voicing its disapproval, before an apologizing Ash reluctantly returned it to its Pokeball.

After a chorus of approvals from his friends, Brock motioned for them to follow him, and stepped out of the posh room, leaving May to shut off the lights and air-conditioning as everyone else shuffled out in a single file after Brock.

Slowly but surely, our heroes navigated their way through similarly decorated corridors, with same different flowing tapestries of unknown pokemon battling with claw and projectile. The occasional painting, suit of armour or statue depiction of a random pokemon, both identifiable and non-identifiable, merely completed and complemented the scheme of things. Dim lighting and dark pastels heightened the aura of foreboding mystery even further, as if the walls held some secret and the air itself was afraid to exhale for fear of revealing that very secret.

After negotiating a mind-boggling series of pretzel-like turns and twists, our heroes finally gazed upon the ballroom, in which the concerned function would take place. An arched entrance was flanked by twin statues of Flygon, each standing at a height of about 1.8 metres, with each claw, each limb, each bone structure, each everything coloured and scaled to perfection, as if a Flygon had suddenly taken an interest in modeling and posed there for the sculptor’s benefit, save the two eyes, which glowed with what hinged between malevolence and mock anger. Unknown to our heroes, it was another example of the security system in place, as the eyes doubled as scanners, taking note of each entrant’s features.

However, it would be a huge injustice waxing lyrical about the entrance, for it was but an appetizer for what was to come, for stepping through it was like taking a portal from a dull mundane world into a resplendent, sublime yet strangely arboreal world, such was the stark naked contrast between the real world and this utopian design, that comparisons fail to grasp the structural and aesthetic beauty and anything used as an adjective would be a mere euphemism of the truth.

It was a circular room with surface area comparable to that of a field, with one end taken up by an enormous stage, with the spinal structure of the room comprising pillars with intricately carved patterns of fantastical creatures, random carvings and tessellated paradigms, forever etched and cast in basalt and marble. The walls were a riot of colour tamed by a restricting and orderly imagination, resulting in a perfect marriage of order and chaos, with defined patterns disrupted at will by abstract splashes of colour and iridescence.

A natural feel was granted by the fauna seemingly growing at random, yet with an order to balance the temerity, such that guests were never impeded in any way by nature’s emissaries, extending their green fingers towards an artificial sky. This would bring our attention to the so-called artificial sky above. Soft incandescence drifted down from strategically positioned candelabras, which even with their draconian designs embodied in polished silver and pewter shells did not seem out of place in that jigsaw puzzle of a room.

The ceiling itself comprised of innumerable mosaic tiles, each one coloured differently like no two snowflakes could ever be alike, yet all coming together to form a larger yet more coherent picture, and at random intervals the ceiling would flip and switch, such that a different set of tiles were presented to the audience, as if they would be spending their time viewing the ceiling instead of the stage, but yet the point was that it did demand attention in a way.

The seamless combination of the mosaic tiles, combined with the soft halo that seemed to capture a hidden illumination from within the picture itself, gave an impression of life; and directed all eyes upwards from time to time. One would wonder whether there would be a landscape view of a great mountain cloaked in Night’s opaque embroideries and encapsulated in the moon’s chillingly azure hue, with the night dotted with faraway stars that seemed to wink at the viewer, or whether one would see a nocturnal skirmish between two great winged wyrms, taking flight towards the proverbial welkin, under the canopy of heaven, with gouts of fire emanating from their maws, burning so bright one would cringe at the supposed heat.

In such splendour, our heroes cast their gazes around, each in different directions, each finding something different that wrenched their attention away from everything else and gave them tunnel-vision for that period of time. So smothering was the beauty and wonder of that particular construct that anything less than what just has been written would be an intolerable insult.

“Ash, I have never ever... …” Our heroine number one, with her hair seemingly drenched in a soft blue dye, nudged our overawed hero.

“Seen anything like this?? That makes two of us, Misty.” Our hero’s gaze was currently transfixed on the ordered madness of design on the walls even as he completed his friend’s sentence with trademark extra sensory perception.

“Corrections, that makes all of us. That something man-made can equal and capture the art of nature is awe-inspiring.” May corrected our hero as she gazed at the fauna, which was all around places where the eye traveled, yet never where the feet would intend to go, as if every movement had already been second-guessed to the zenith of perfection in that moment of genius that had been the ballroom’s creation.

“Not only equal, but embellish and surpass in many ways.” Max was glad that his glasses stayed on his face for once without slipping off.

Brock remained silent, but with his jaw hanging loose and with a look of wonder usually only reserved for the higher echelons of the fairer sex (without the blushing of course), such as the seemingly omnipresent officer Jennys and nurse Joys, among others. There would be nothing taking his eyes off his surroundings that night, though.

“Guys, think we better get seated. We kinda look pretty dumb just standing around and gawking at the ceiling right?” Our hero showed great leadership in taking charge of the situation and finding the best solution.

As they slowly circumvented and routed their way to the designated table and seats, each and every one of our heroes surely but silently noted that all the other people present in the ballroom, whether seated already or new arrivals like them, acted in pretty much the same way, like the probable reaction of one who has watched black and white television all his life and yet is suddenly introduced to 3-D theatre, only surely on a more grandiose scale.

A young kid of about Max’s age stared incessantly upwards, with hands clasped in front of his face, as if in some kind of silent prayer; such was the magnetic quality of the spectacle that had unfurled in front of our heroes’ eyes. Even everyday items such as the seats and tables were not spared the magnificence that had crept and invaded every nook and cranny of the room. Carved out of pure marble and aged on purpose to achieve an off-white finish, etched with cryptic symbols, among other intricate designs, and bathed in a combination of yellow, blue and red light, even the tables and chairs looked as serenely a product of what one could call an artistic miracle as every other thing in the confines did.

Even as our hero took his seat and eagerly awaited the arrival of his food and the promised speech of the brains behind the tournament and perhaps the Eden he was currently situated in as well as the showpiece that was to follow, something niggled at his mind, something which he could not place.

I guarantee that it will be a life-shaping experience and one that will never ever be forgotten.

Mitch had told all participants that very line before the whole thing had begun, a guarantee that lives would be shaped and reshaped, and that images and memories would be burned deep into the minds of everybody involved. Somehow, everything he had seen, from tapestries to mysterious pokemon-like creatures to dark foreboding corridors to lamenting requiems to a ballroom that seemed as though it was taken wholesale from some Muse’s creativity and spliced into a modern train of thought, pointed to a growing certainty that something larger than anyone could have imagined was brewing. However, as a lone dark figure stepped onto the stage, even those thoughts had to take a back seat in our hero’s list of priorities and remain an issue for later.



All noise ceased and all gazes returned from their individual fixations with various components of the ballroom and gave their undivided attention to the lone figure in the middle of the stage. An aura of silent power played around the figure, dressed plainly in black robes completed with a cowl that shrouded his facial features. Every single person present that day in that very room held their breath, waiting for a speech to come, half expecting reasons why they were present there, as in details of the tournament they had been drawn to, and half expecting something wondrous and unexpected, in line with everything which had been witnessed thus far.

“Greetings, trainers and friends, my thanks for endorsing our little tournament. We are privileged to be gathered here tonight. Tonight, we let our hair down and relax, for on the impending morrow, you will perhaps see a little clearer what all of us are gathered here for. Do not be overly curious, for my spilling the beans today would merely tarnish tomorrow’s moments of glory. Let tomorrow take care of itself, people; today has myriad worries of its own already.

Enough said; enjoy the visual feast my dear folks, and for those who are gastronomically deprived, my cooks have been hard at work for your best enjoyment. Immerse yourselves, for even in the midst of business we must never forget fun; serious undertakings would seem merely trivial if not judged against the simple pleasures in life. Feast away!”

With a confident gait, the speaker slowly sauntered off the stage, with the long flowing robes and indiscernible features making him out to look like some acolyte in a cult. As if premeditated, crew members started appearing from nowhere and served piping hot dishes to every table, specially catered for the number of people seated there. A five person table would thus have received more food than a three person table.

Besides staple foods such as rice and the like, rich meats such as slabs of steak done to medium perfection, stewed chicken as well as other dishes such as escargot and baked oysters with cheese and spinach were thrown in for good measure. No matter how out of place and absurd it seemed, all the dishes were on plates of varying size but all made of porcelain, coloured predominantly white but with blue etchings around the circumference.

Even as the audience tucked in with great gusto, two more figures stepped onto the enormous stage, with the lights commissioned to bring illumination to that designated area turned up several notches in terms of output. Wordlessly, and yet in a way which inexplicably drew one and all’s attention in their direction, they each made exaggerated bows to the other and drew Pokeballs and released the Pokemon onto the stage, which doubled up as an arena, which was the obvious explanation for its lavish usage of space.


“Hey, I think they’re gonna battle guys; this we have to see!!” Our in-the-midst-of-yet-another-chicken-drumstick hero quipped, even while polishing off the scraps of meat still dangling from his chicken drumstick.

“Yeah, but the way they are shaping up, all silent and everything, it seems more like a mime than anything else.” Our heroine number one (the red haired heroine for those who have forgotten) added thoughtfully, judging from the tad exaggerated actions which the two performers executed.

A whoosh swept through the silent room much like the drop of a needle in complete silence sends huge ripples through the sheen of inaudibility that has been prevailing, indicating the release of their Pokemon onto the battlefield ahead.

“Chan!”

“Lee…”

Those three sounds were the only ones which emanated from the combatants, as the two trainers seemed to ignore the need for communication with their battlers completely. Both pokemon were disturbingly paralleled in appearance, with the same brown, stocky body to which seemingly disjointed arms and legs were connected to.

They did not seem to have a distinguishable neck region, although one would assume that they did, but it was just not easy to tell it apart from the rest of the body. What was easily distinguished, however, were the trademark looks of fervour and vehemence mirrored in their eyes, and the clenched fists of Hitmonchan, as well as the taut leg muscles of Hitmonlee told the same story.

In traditional martial arts style, the two fighting Pokemon circled each other, with each concentric circle decreasing in size, as the two Pokemon sought to find chinks in the other’s armour. The trainer’s responding gesticulations indicated that the battling was not left to the Pokemon themselves, and that the trainers used signals to communicate with their own fighters, maintaining the aura of silence and yet getting their orders across. Hitmonchan, which represented the trainer on the left of the stage from the audience’s vantage point, started to move its gloved hands about in a hypnotic fashion, no doubt with disorientation high on the list of intentions. Its opponent merely cocked a leg as if ready to pounce and capitalize on about any mistakes that Hitmonchan should commit.

The trainer on the left of the stage made a forward motion with his right arm and then eased it backwards, and Hitmonchan responded, jabbing forwards with its left in a fake while easing its right fist into a swerving hook.

Hitmonlee’s trainer merely moved his right arm backwards, and extending his index and middle finger outwards but perpendicular to each other, twirled his right hand once around and then lowered it and twirled it again.

“Lee…”

Hitmonlee bent backwards, judging Hitmonchan’s reach down to the most infinitesimal distance and detail, such that the gloved fist swerved past its face with the barest of minimums separating the two, and utilized its downward momentum to swerve in a clockwise direction, snapping up its right foot in a fluid motion, in perfect continuity with the move, aiming for a maiming blow to Hitmonchan’s face.

A brief flicker of motion from the trainer, and a briefer flash from Hitmonchan as it brought its right fist, the one which it had committed to the right hook it just threw, in an opposite arc to the original motion of the hook, and slapped away the incoming foot, and immediately searched for an opening, but Hitmonlee was not there anymore…

Hitmonchan’s trainer copied the twirling motion that his counterpart had used as a trigger to Hitmonlee’s attacks, and made a downward motion, adding a constricting closure of his palm to conclude the instruction for his battler to follow.

Hitmonlee had used the negative momentum imparted by Hitmonchan’s slapping motion to pirouette in an anti-clockwise circle, like a pair of compasses etching a circle on a piece of paper, crouching as it went through the motions of its intended sweep kick.

Hitmonchan, without even looking down, had seen and understood what its trainer was trying to communicate to it, and coupled with its finely attuned senses, could hear the swish as Hitmonlee’s outstretched leg cut through the air like a knife through butter, and slammed a fist downwards, with a deep blue envelop taking form on its gloved fist.

There was an answering grunt of pain from Hitmonlee, as the fist from its opponent found its designated mark, smashing onto its shin just above the ankle to put an abrupt stop to the intended sweep kick. The grunt of pain grew distinctly more audible as fine crystals materialized on its shin, quickly engulfing the area around the point of impact in a freezing coat of ice.

However, there was no time to rest on any laurels as with a simple extension of his index finger, Hitmonlee was spurred into action again, cocking and releasing its left leg, contacting Hitmonchan’s vulnerable face and snapping it backwards, allowing Hitmonlee to execute a follow-up gesture from its trainer to jackknife up from its prone position and smash its right shin into the left side of Hitmonchan’s face, with the hardened ice shattering on impact, and yet adding to the damage dealt by the kick.

Satisfied by the follow-up to Hitmonchan’s first blood, Hitmonlee’s trainer beckoned his charge backwards and out of reach, deciding not to press the advantage at so early a point in the bout, and with a couple of majestic back flips, Hitmonlee stood ten feet away even as Hitmonchan had let fly with a straight forearm into where Hitmonlee’s face would have been if it had not beat a retreat. Both dropped back into the same stances which they had adopted at the start of the match, with Hitmonchan deceptively moving its clenched fists and Hitmonlee stalking its opponent with a cocked leg like a shotgun ready to fire.

A brief moment of tranquility passed, like that very moment of calm before all hell breaks loose, and just as certain undiscerning members of the audience started to wonder if the bout was over, it all started again, with Hitmonchan’s trainer assessing Hitmonlee and its chinks in its armour, with Hitmonlee’s trainer repaying the favour. Hitmonlee made the first move, stepping into range before tentatively lashing out a right foot in a stretch kick, which Hitmonchan ducked easily, stepping into range before releasing a fusillade of varied punches, with feints and jabs blended perfectly with the heavier artillery.

Hitmonlee went on the defensive immediately, withdrawing its right foot and adopting a one-legged stance, using its right leg and two arms to swat away blows like one swats at flies. Unfortunately, it was not flies that Hitmonlee was swatting away, but blows from a punching machine on overdrive, and the point was accentuated as a right jab was blocked by an intervening foot, followed by a quick stepping inside by Hitmonchan and a quick left uppercut which was blocked with both arms of Hitmonlee, leaving the smallest of gaps, which was exploited with a blinding punch to the face, powered and accompanied by the crackles of arcane blue energy which played across the gloved fist.

The impact of the thunder punch sent Hitmonlee flying weightlessly through the air before crashing into a heap, writhing spasmodically as a reflex reaction to the electricity which accompanied the punch and which then coursed through Hitmonlee’s body. As Hitmonlee sprang back to its feet like a jack-in-the-box, it clenched its fists that much tighter, rotating its right foot about the ankle menacingly. The introductions were over. The real battle had just begun.

Hitmonchan’s main strength, as it had just amply showcased, were its ferocious punches at close range, accompanied by elemental attacks at will, while Hitmonlee had the range advantage, coupled with more subtle skill and finesse. The two charged and locked horns once again, with a quick-fire Mach punch by Hitmonchan dodged barely before a responding roundhouse left kick was charged down by the right forearm of Hitmonchan.

Seeing another gap, Hitmonchan’s trainer made a quick motion, indicating the beginning of another volley of blows from Hitmonchan. A left dummy was left not reacted to with Hitmonlee responding to its trainer’s grabbing and flipping motions, grabbing the right arm of Hitmonchan and yanking it towards itself, pivoting to the side at the last moment, leaving a trailing right knee, which Hitmonchan slammed into from the left, and with Hitmonchan’s own momentum complemented by the driving force of Hitmonlee’s two arms, flipped over the raised knee and smashed into the ground, rolling aside as its trainer indicated even as a foot screamed through the air where its head had been. Hitmonlee sprang aside and gave what seemed precariously close to being a smile, apparently savouring its own moral victory.

“Chan….”

An expression of pain infiltrated Hitmonchan’s inert features as it attained a vertical position once again. Its reflexes were immediately questioned again as a lunging sweep kick knocked on the proverbial door, and passed with flying colours as it leaped over the left leg of Hitmonlee and flung a left arm out at its opponent, only to see it missing by a hair following a somewhat laborious block by Hitmonlee’s both arms. A twirling motion escaped Hitmonlee’s trainer’s right hand and his Pokemon replied with a quick run which ended with Hitmonlee soaring into the air in a flying roundhouse kick, which Hitmonchan’s trainer answered with an upwards swirling motion of his right hand, and instantaneously Hitmonchan also shook off the pinions of gravity, rotating upwards in a sky uppercut, slamming into Hitmonlee’s lower body.

With feline grace, Hitmonlee twisted while falling and landed on its knees, only to be laid upon by another devastating bombardment of rights and lefts, which Hitmonlee could not deal with in a kneeling position while both its legs were effectively out of commission. A left jab scored while a right hook found its mark; it was almost like target practice for Hitmonchan as it went through the gears efficiently, scoring hits freely, culminating in a special punch with the left arm even as it squatted to deal an uppercut from its right cannon which began at the knees and ended smack in the middle of Hitmonlee’s face, sending it airborne once again before it crashed onto the earth with a thud—there were none of the pretzel-like twists or subtle skills which were in abundance before that particular exchange. It was just straight-forward crashing into the solid earth. Hitmonchan began to lift its arms aloft, while its trainer let both arms droop to his side, both concurring that the battle was effectively over.



“Lee…”

Hitmonlee may have had its stylish swagger and grace beaten out of it, but it still managed to crawl and struggle to its feet the old-fashioned way, standing with tremulous legs, as if caught in a dilemma as to whether going on would just equate more punishment or added glorification for victory in adverse circumstances. Its problems were solved as Hitmonchan rushed towards it with a Mach punch.

Mirroring its trainer’s every desperate gesture, it sidestepped the blow with the smallest of margins of success. Another hurricane of attacks whizzed towards its face even as it steadied itself. Casting a quick look at its trainer, it saw a pose which was created by its trainer, who used the index and middle finger to form a humanoid form, a form that was seemingly bent, with both index and middle fingers bent at their central joints; once seeing that Hitmonlee had comprehended, the middle finger straightened and rose upwards. Hitmonlee took the quickest way out of the fix, by bending its body backwards and under the punches of Hitmonchan, using both arms for support, and once in position snapped out its right foot to catch its opponent in the jaw and send it staggering backwards.

Following its trainer’s every move, Hitmonlee pressed the temporary advantage for all it was worth, jacking up a knee aimed at Hitmonchan’s gut. Hunching its body, Hitmonchan lowered both arms and blocked the blow, but came undone when Hitmonlee used the two points of contact it had, which were the ground where it was standing on tiptoe and where its knee had contacted its opponent’s arms, for support and kicked upwards with its left foot and found purchase, smashing into Hitmonchan’s face. A disorientated but nonetheless powerful punch caused the air to whistle as it zoomed towards its target.

A non-existent target, it turned out, as Hitmonlee had leapt above the punch in a leg split, followed by the snapping together of its legs around Hitmonchan’s neck in a crushing blow, before landing with all the subliminal skill it possessed. The briefest of moments passed before Hitmonlee leapt into a flip-kick, lashing out with a solid right foot even as it somersaulted backward, hammering Hitmonchan’s face backwards even as it neglected another graceful ten-point landing for a drop-kick to its opponent’s sternum, planting both legs in Hitmonchan’s chest with the impact of a pile-driver.

“Chan!!”

A ragged cry escaped Hitmonchan as the ground rushed up towards its falling body metaphorically, and upon contact struggled to its feet, its ferocity and tenacity seemingly expended by that simple motion. From an inferential viewpoint, the last thing it probably saw was the foot of its opponent as the “high jump kick” by Hitmonlee found its unfortunate target; the soft landing of the executioner drowned out by Hitmonchan’s own landing, albeit infinitely less graceful but no less final.

The audience was silent for many a moment, undoubtedly in silent mental debates as to whether or not the battle could possibly be over, after all that they had witnessed. Indeed, the saying that “the tiniest of cracks in a dam could cause the largest of floods” was proved unanimously as one clap, half hearted in nature, as if the one behind it had been afraid of the ramifications of that particular gesture, opened the floodgates and filled the wondrous ballroom with full-blooded applause.

“Oh my goodness!! That was one of the best fights I have ever seen… And the moves; I have never even seen some of them before.” Our disbelieving hero snapped out of his reverie to snap at his friends, albeit in a good way.

“There was the finishing “high jump kick” as well as a stretch kick, sweep kick and spin kick among others by Hitmonlee and a thunder punch, ice punch, jab, Mach punch and mega punch among others from Hitmonchan, so you can’t really say there weren’t any moves, because there were…”

Our knowledgeable geek-is-chic Max stated matter-of-factly, even though anyone could see that he was not unmoved by what he had just witnessed, considering everything which had just come to pass, as well as the flush of red which struggled against his natural pallour for supremacy on his face’s canvass.

“Yeah, there were some moves I could place, but I do not think you could place that leg split attack by Hitmonlee, among others.” Misty added thoughtfully, no doubt still reliving the events of the last few minutes.

“Max, I think what Misty and Ash are trying to say is that they improvised, and there is more to attacks than your Pokedex.” May quipped in a wise tone, chiding her brother gently.

“But I do not think anyone can say that it wasn’t an AWESOME match. I really thought Hitmonchan had it in the bag after that combo it executed.” Brock enthused excitedly, mirroring everybody else’s feelings.

“Yeah, but while Hitmonchan was aggressive and powerful, Hitmonlee was tougher, smarter and much more innovative; it deserved to win.” Our hero made yet another powerful remark.

“But all this battling is making me hungry!”

Scene then shows our starving hero (he is a growing boy after all) stuffing his face with food and his friends all fall over while our heroine number one hovers dangerously close with hands behind her back, as if hiding an object from our hero’s view, and judging from the obvious weight and visible wooden handle, it did not resemble a drumstick in the least bit.

Above them all, the tiles composing the ceiling’s visage had rearranged yet again, this time showing something which seemed like a firework display, with shades of all colours strewn carelessly around in the picture, as if in exulted celebration for the winner of the previous match, as if placing the Pokemons’ efforts on a pedestal and challenging any viewers to topple them.

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Prelude to chapter 6:

Another humdinger of a battle. Longer than this one. If you liked this battle, you will love the next one!

Wes
23rd June 2005, 12:56 PM
Wow! The battle was great! Ash a coward and a face stuffer. Heh heh. This is great work! i wonder what's going to happen next chapter though....

sk0rp10n
23rd June 2005, 1:32 PM
If there were to be some more of the fanfic awards, that battle right there deserves that award. Few battles are this fleshed out in fanfics, and fewer come even close in terms of intensity. IMO, none can surpass its seemingly choreographed action, and non-stop combinations. I fully understand why the author loves this battle so much, and I enjoyed reading it over and over again as well. The atmosphere of the battle was great as well! That should have been the way fighting pokemon operated in the first place, and I loved the impromptu moves, stylish action, subtle skills and the sheer intensity of the whole matter. Knowing this author's skill, I would say that a longer battle in the next chapter could equate to an even better battle, but t is going to take a lot to beat this.

The description was beautiful. I got the full unreal beauty of the ballroom and its decour. I even looked up at my ceiling a couple of times! terrific stuff there, but only to be expected from you. Even then, this is still better than the previous chapters in terms of description.

Humour is there, as always. I just loved that part when the narrator went on about Ash's formulated reply, and the comment that Misty's mallet nearly resulted in Ash shrinking by a few cm was hilarious. Or when misty was praising herself, and Ash kinda brough her back down to earth with his comment. That was great, because it was damn funny, and because we will never know if Ash was telling the truth there, or just being dense.

"Geek-is-chic" Max???? ROFL! HAHA!

FlamingRuby
23rd June 2005, 2:56 PM
Great battle, as others have said, plus the Ash and Misty bits were worth a giggle.

Sequoia
23rd June 2005, 3:02 PM
i loved this chapter...as always, the length is great, and grammar/spelling is okay...AND as everyone knows, your description is perfect XD i understand why you loved this battle, but why put it so early on in the fic?

Sike Saner
23rd June 2005, 5:38 PM
"Hey, I'm NOT going to allow you to stink up my room... Go take a bath and scrub yourself clean. And don't come out till you smell like the soap you're using!"

Misty is steadily becoming easier and easier to like. :D


(he is a growing boy after all)

That just made me giggle. :p


Sometimes, I shudder at the sheer excellence of your language. This chapter was filled with many such occasions. I almost felt unworthy to envision the ballroom as you described it. The battle was quite possibly the very best I have ever read, and certainly unrivaled in terms of sheer, palpable tension. And, of course, you win bonus points with me for having Hitmonlee emerge victorious. ;)

This chapter could stand alone; I am not joking around. And you tell us that we can expect an even better battle? Astounding...

Shining Lugia
23rd June 2005, 8:03 PM
Sorry I haven't reviewed....exams....ugh....
Anyway, beautiful! I love the humor, it always gives me a good laugh, and the battle was fantastic! I love this story! Quite a work you have here!!!

eternaldarkness
23rd June 2005, 8:30 PM
Ok I will say this fic is good and I am surprised on how well you made Ash and May ect. so well. Their personalitys and actions are pretty dman good. Usually when I read with them I don't enjoy it. But this was quite enjoyable. For a first time fic this is great. Your battles are lengthy and not just an attack and its over. Your description also is clear and that I can see what is going on.

Overall for a first time fic if I have to rate it, I would give it an 8. My opinion on that can change but right now cause its the beginning. The length has definitally gotten longer but remember length isn't always everything. Its good but don't go overboard on description or making this a long long chapter. I know I can ahve a short attention span and if something gets to long I could fall asleep and be bored. But its good right now.

Ill def keep reading and such because its caught my interest and can't wait to find out how the next battle will be better. C ya!

Felix Feral Fezirix
23rd June 2005, 8:49 PM
Me appear! *light flashes and Pikachu appears* You were lame, you were funny, but the humuor isn't so good I have to go to the hospital(To gimme air from laughing too much) or at least LOL so loud I'll wake the dead. I felt like I was watching the show and during that Hitmon battle I thought I was watching Dragonball Z! Good job! You have good description, but your language is too complicated for people having difficulty reading Harry Potter. I nearly lost it. You overloaded my inbuilt image projecter, my brain nearly blew(or maybe 'cause it's the middle of the night and I'm tired). Good job! (Hands over a thunderstone and a Pikachu).

sk0rp10n
23rd June 2005, 8:59 PM
Ok I will say this fic is good and I am surprised on how well you made Ash and May ect. so well. Their personalitys and actions are pretty dman good. Usually when I read with them I don't enjoy it. But this was quite enjoyable. For a first time fic this is great. Your battles are lengthy and not just an attack and its over. Your description also is clear and that I can see what is going on.

Overall for a first time fic if I have to rate it, I would give it an 8. My opinion on that can change but right now cause its the beginning. The length has definitally gotten longer but remember length isn't always everything. Its good but don't go overboard on description or making this a long long chapter. I know I can ahve a short attention span and if something gets to long I could fall asleep and be bored. But its good right now.

Ill def keep reading and such because its caught my interest and can't wait to find out how the next battle will be better. C ya!

Actually, IMO, this the closest we will ever get to a novel. Can you truly say that this fic went overboard on description? Because I do think that the descriptions were pretty damn good. I dont think mindripper had any choice but to have chapter 5 longer, because the battle took up half the chapter. I had a look around, and this battle is simply the best around right now, and is the best I have ever seen in a fanfic.

I could practically feel the description of the ballroom. Every detail was painted in its glory, and the flow was simply fantastic. Every sentence runs very smoothly, and this guy shows a wider range of vocab in ONE chapter than most do in their entire fics, and that is not an insult or anything to other writers-- this guy is just that good.

You were right about the characters. I have never seen anyone doing an Ash and co. fic anywhere near as good as this. They are just so damn real, and Ash gets gravity to his character as well, and I do not see how that can be counted as OOC. The gags are so high class, none of the gimmick jokes and toilet humour that some use.

Dude, I took a look at your fanfic, and I would drop a review some other time, but I really honestly think that you, just like me and a lot of other people, have something to learn from this fic. I used to think that longer descriptions meant over-description, but I just realised that the amount of description you throw in does not directly relate to over-description or under-description. It is the way you present that description that counts, and this fic does it the best. The portion about the ceiling in the ballroom was utterly ethereal, and I thought of Hogwarts when I read that. Nothing is over-described or under-described in this fic, and saying anything else would mean that the reviewer simply does not know enough about description. Just my two cents.

eternaldarkness
23rd June 2005, 9:07 PM
I never said he over described things im just saying watch out cause it can happen. I think this is really good but someitmes ive seen amazing authors go overboard on description. But no right now his is fine.

sk0rp10n
23rd June 2005, 9:25 PM
I think this is pretty much the best description you are going to find in any fic around here. This guy's formula and style are unbelievably unique, and how often do you see someone write like this?His flow is always impeccable, and I would conclude that this is the closest work you can ever get to a perfect ten thus far. Deserves much higher than an 8 IMO. If this was an 8, a lot of fics would fail by the same standards.

People may criticise the fact that the vocab range is very wide, but thena nd again if the vocab is beyond us, it is our fault for not knowing enough and should then take measures to learn what thsoe words mean and so on.

eternaldarkness
23rd June 2005, 9:33 PM
You may not agree with me but its fine. We all have different opinions. I've been around these boards for years and have been to many different sites and have seen amazing fics. This is a great fic and I said my rating would probably change. And ow his description and writing and vacab skills aren't the only thing I rate things on. I think a lot about plot and interest. This is one of the most interesting fics on this board and the most interesting ive seen in a while. I like it. But on another site I read a fic that was a little bit better. Please don't think im dissing the fic or be mad at me for my opinion but I think its a great fic with even more potential and thats why I will probably raise it up.

sk0rp10n
23rd June 2005, 9:58 PM
I am old enough, and have spent years on other fanfic sites as well. I can tell you that even certain authors would be jealous of that kinda description, and I wish I could write like that as well, and I freely admit it. The plot elements are all there. What makes this plot stand out is not the fact that the foreshadowing is brilliant, but the fact that the author took an unoriginal cast, with themes that have already been done by others (every fanfic has ideas which have already been fleshed out before, no matter how original the cast is), and still manages to make everything seem like a breath of fresh air.

As far as interest goes, this fic is pure class, and my interest is just to find out just how much better things are going to get. I know that we are truly going to see something special, and my first and foremost interest is to see how thngs pan out.

Other fics may be longer, but I have to doubt if any author can mesh classy humour with detailed description, an engaging plot, foreshadowing, the tiny subtle storyline touches which you miss if you blink and all the brilliant battles and vocab. Maybe we judge fics differently, but I have never seen anything like this in my life before. Getting blown away. I talked to the author via PM, and he did indicate that he held back on description a little, and tried to give the impression that this is not emant to be a humour fic. I also learnt that he is a pretty damn good article writer, and he sure is showing us what he can do.

eternaldarkness
23rd June 2005, 10:09 PM
Everyone has different views and ways of rating and reviewing. Obviously you do have more interest in this than me and thats fine. I just don't think their is a point of us ranting on and on about this cause all we did is say our opinions and thats it. Sorry if I dont find this to be a spectacular but I find this to be a great piece of writing.

sk0rp10n
23rd June 2005, 10:34 PM
That is fine. If people who only post fics here could do what this author can do serebii would be the best place for pokemon fanfics easily. This is spectacularly good, and you have to be good as well to fully appreciate the subtle nuances.

mindripper
23rd June 2005, 10:59 PM
Sigh, just stop arguing. I know what I can do, and those who doubt it can stick around to find out!

FlamingRuby
23rd June 2005, 11:05 PM
ENOUGH!!! ::echoes occur across the room::

Let mindripper write the way s/he wants, okay?

xsweet_peax
24th June 2005, 3:22 AM
Great chapter like always. I'll be waiting for the next chapter. I liked the battle scene and also the scene where Ash and Misty talked in the beginning. It was extremely cute.

Mysteria Pearl
24th June 2005, 3:23 AM
Very nice! AHH! A&M sharing a room? I gotta get working on mine... now that I think about that...keep working! You are a very talented writer!

Sequoia
24th June 2005, 4:22 AM
o.O very big argument here...mindripper, would you mind if you posted a list of who you PM to announce your new chapters, like Encyclopika? it makes it easier to tell...

The Burnt Shadow
24th June 2005, 8:07 AM
That was a really good chapter. Good description and you've got very talented writing skills. I'm looking forward for your next chap.

mindripper
24th June 2005, 9:15 AM
Let mindripper write the way s/he wants, okay?

It is a "he", and worry not, because I write the way I want, regardless of what people say. If you liked what you have seen thus far, I can only assure you will see more of it, and that latter chapters will be absolutely mindblowing, esp around the climax. Battles will span entire chapters and possibly more, and stuff like that.


o.O very big argument here...mindripper, would you mind if you posted a list of who you PM to announce your new chapters, like Encyclopika? it makes it easier to tell...

I did ask the two of those people to come in to review. I certainly did not ask for an argument, though. I do try to hold myself back when it comes to description, but it does not mean that description will ever be lacking. If anything, as the chapters go by, there will be scenes which require even more description, and I hope you can bear with all that. Battles will get longer than the one you just saw, and whether they are better than the one in chapter 5 is up in the air, although I can forsee the battles which I have not writen yet overshadowing it, and I can predict that a lot of people will love the next battle asw ell, for its rough and tumble approach.

I could post the list of people that I PM, if you want to see it. Is it because you want to see who I asked to review and who I did not?

Sequoia
24th June 2005, 9:47 AM
It is a "he", and worry not, because I write the way I want, regardless of what people say. If you liked what you have seen thus far, I can only assure you will see more of it, and that latter chapters will be absolutely mindblowing, esp around the climax. Battles will span entire chapters and possibly more, and stuff like that.

I did ask the two of those people to come in to review. I certainly did not ask for an argument, though. I do try to hold myself back when it comes to description, but it does not mean that description will ever be lacking. If anything, as the chapters go by, there will be scenes which require even more description, and I hope you can bear with all that. Battles will get longer than the one you just saw, and whether they are better than the one in chapter 5 is up in the air, although I can forsee the battles which I have not writen yet overshadowing it, and I can predict that a lot of people will love the next battle asw ell, for its rough and tumble approach.

I could post the list of people that I PM, if you want to see it. Is it because you want to see who I asked to review and who I did not?
not really, i just wanted to know if i was on it XDD and don't worry about description, it's really good...*stares at ceiling*

Avegaille
24th June 2005, 10:46 AM
Well, I have beenreading your other chapters lately... you sure can get a lot of reviewers quickly!

anyways, the descrption is there! I enjoy that.... and the way you make the characters say things is truly good...

anyways, i'll read more if i have time, okay?

absolution
24th June 2005, 4:56 PM
Ok. Hi to everyone here! I have been on FF.net a few years now and recently came over just to read fanfics. This had to be the first one that caught my eye, and I read all 5 chapters.

That this fanfic is one of the highest quality is already an understatement, and something which most of you already know. The style that this author uses is simply blinding, and is pretty damn hard to pull off. If anyone does not believe that, try to write a fanfic along these lines. You will realise that every word and every sentence must flow, and due to the style's inherent flow and cohesion, any exceptions are very obvious. The author has pulled this off beautifully.

The humour is very very nice. It isn't crass or suggestive, but very sarcastic and ironic. Usage of the narrator is great, and thus far the narrator is one of the MVPs of the fic. Some of the gags were side-splitting!

Vocab and expressions are flawless, and even the big words do not look forced, which does happen at times when someone tries to use them.

Oh, the battle in the 5th chapter was blinding. That was how good it was. People have said that before me, and people will say that after me, just because that is the plain truth.

All in all, a brilliant work with the potential to be among the greatest ever pieces. I have to admit to being overawed at times when I read the fic, and I wish I could write like that. I have to stop being a closet reader and start to review this fic, and others if they are good.

mindripper
24th June 2005, 7:29 PM
i just wanted to know if i was on it

Of course you are on it. Most of the people who have reviewed my fic at some point or another are on that list. I could post it here if you really want to, though I would prefer not to... ...


i'll read more if i have time, okay?

Sure, no probs there. Read whenever you feel you have the time to accomodate the fic.


Usage of the narrator is great, and thus far the narrator is one of the MVPs of the fic.

Thanks for saying that. I like my narrator pretty much too!

sk0rp10n
24th June 2005, 11:10 PM
Thanks for saying that. I like my narrator pretty much too!

You not the only one! I love thew ay the narrator is used as well. Very very nice.

Elemental Charizam
24th June 2005, 11:24 PM
Fweee! New chapter, which is reviewed below...

There was some nice description here, and I generally got a good impression of what the room looked like, and I think the way you described it gives us a sneak peak at the mentality of the creator. Like the rotating roof tiles, to show off even more high art XD

One thing I didn't like all that much was the battle. It was described beautifully, but there just wasn't any emotional investment in the battle. As I
didn't especially care who won, it kinda ruined the tension of the scene. There wasn't really a climax either, and it seemed like a fairly unexiting battle to me, despite all the great description and the imagination behind the exchanging of blows. My favourite bit was the basic idea of the silent dramatised battle itself; in fact, I actually envisioned the fight in colourless grey. To be honest, I thought your humorous repateé was better, which is odd, because I usually like darker fics.

mindripper
24th June 2005, 11:36 PM
Ah, look at things this way. Ash is on a boat, taking part in a tournament, with self-doubt already having incaded his mind. He does not know what or who he is going to face, and he already has a feeling that things are not so imple as they seem. What else does he need? Yes, people to show him just how good they are. Imagine this: you are staking a claim to be the best pokemon trainer around, and people just show up out of nowhere and put on a great battle.

This battle and the next chapter's battle do not involve Ash, but rather will foreshadow just how good other trainers will be in the fic, and that Ash would have to face even greater odds in order to triumph. Everything happens for a reason, and we see all the time just what Ash can do in battle. Do you measure greatness by viewing its advocate on its own, or do you measure it against a yardstick? If you never see what other trainers can do, would you be able to fully grasp Ash's even sweeter victory as and when he defeats his opponents?

I fully accept the fact that your opinion has you believing in the lack of emotional investment in the battle, but IMO there was a lot invested in that particular battle. It shows you that Ash is going to face damn huge odds, and that those odds are going to get a lot larger sooner than later.

Oh, humour will always be there, but this one is going to get darker sooner rather than later.

sk0rp10n
24th June 2005, 11:46 PM
One thing I didn't like all that much was the battle. It was described beautifully, but there just wasn't any emotional investment in the battle. As I
didn't especially care who won, it kinda ruined the tension of the scene. There wasn't really a climax either, and it seemed like a fairly unexiting battle to me, despite all the great description and the imagination behind the exchanging of blows.

What? Dont like the battle? I did care who won. In fact, I care a lot less about Ash's own battles, because he usually wins, esp in tournament based fics. It was not so much of a brawl as it was ballet. I was trying to second-guess the fighting pokemons' actions all the way! Would Hitmonlee avoid that? How would it counter? The ending of the fightw as as realistic as it could be, because Hitmonlee pulled off its best bits of innovation then, and also because I thought it was finished as well.

I agree with the author right there. It seems that having a battle by people who are staffing the tournament is a great way to foreshadow. It takes the spotlight off Ash, and we get to see what other trainers can do in a battle of their own. I enjoyed that, and I will prob enjoy the next battle as well, which we know will not feature Ash either. We judge pokemon battles by the way they are portrayed, and how intense they are, not by whether or not Ash or any of our heroes are involved.

Joe-y
25th June 2005, 2:36 PM
Alright, here is how it's going down, Style notes first, followed by punctuation mistakes, wrong words, that's unimportant really but it's still going down, and finally the good stuff, and praises.


--Style notes--
Not good or bad, just notes on the style.


- Aside from the thesaurus strangling H.P. Lovecraftian influence on your work, you almost have a lemony snicketts flare to your writing, with such phrases as 'but that is a point for another story.'

In fact, now that I get off my *** and think about it, your narrative style does remind me of his own.

- I just want to say '(touch wood!),' I get that joke, and it makes me smile because there are some of you who don't know how funny that really is.

- 'Our'

You love plurals, so do I. They're everywhere in your story. It's almost as if you're reading to us.

- Superfluous words ! Yaaay for superfluousness,

I does it too =)


- It seems that Brock is used as more a plot device then he is as an actual character. At least in the early chapters. It feels like he's lost some of his depth in lieu of progression. This isn't a bad or good thing, just a note.

- It seems the story is more about Ash and Misty more then anyone else. Could you do me a favor and tell me who the main characters are? I want
to know =)

- 'Dim lighting and dark pastels heightened the aura of foreboding mystery even further...'

I'm all for foreshadow, but isn't this a bit too obvious? I prefer subtle ways of foreshadow, but that's just me, and MY opinion.

- I have to say, the man in the cloak is totally patronizing, I can't stand him.

- After a commercial break, we return to see that both our world-weary but clean and nice smelling hero and heroine number one alone in the coziness of their room.

The scentence is fine, I do however want to know how you feel about the fourth wall, you seem to break it, at least from the narrator's perspective. You've done other things like this, so what's your stance on the world they live in? Is it a farce on the show? A story, with the elements of the show for
comical bits only? I want to knooow >.<

- You jerk! I read about them serving the food with my stomach already growling at me. I just had to get something to eat, I hope you're proud of yourself! You're writing prompted someone to take real life action!
=( <-- sad face.



--Punctuation, wrong words, non-important tidbits--


Some mistakes I saw, usually with punctuation. However, I do have to note that punctuation is almost subjective to the writer, and with the convoluted
rules at which they follow, it's almost pointless to critisize all but the most obvious of mistakes. With that said, nonethless it's going down *evil look*



- I'd like to say something about the hyphens, however, there are very few rules in using them outside of the set words they belong in. They're almost completely used at the author's discretion.

- And don’t come out till you smell like the soap you’re using!”
This kind of 'till' is used for referring to the land, the slang 'til is done with an apostraphe before the t.


- An uneasy silence fell between the two, not so much due to the lack of things to say or an uneasiness with the other party, but more due to nerves, like the time when we were all kids and there was this special, amazing story which we so wanted to share with the class but which kept getting stuck in our throats as anything short of rapturous applause would turn a beautiful
story into a mere time-passing yarn.

*gasp* that scentence, she is so long, it can be easily broken into two, or use a semicolon.

- Our hero | Our heroine You use these lines a LOT and they get repetitive after a while. In fact, this is the most common way you refer to Ash and Co.

- Ash absentmindedly rubbed the top of his head, where his dear friend, who would never hit him unless she really had to, had tried to make him shorter by a few inches with her mallet earlier in the day, and grimaced even as he completed his question.

While this is very entertaining, it is also very long, if it absolutely must be one whole scentence perhaps a semi colon

- Double question marks at one point, however this has already been adressed.

- '...satisfactory answer—Ash had touched a raw nerve...'

Now I'm no punctuation nazi, however using a hyphen to connect to clauses? Can you explain this one for me? Pleeeease? I don't know what this is.

- While you've kept brock in character very well, I don't think the cliched phrase "so to speak" would ever be something to come across his lips. I'm speaking of the show's brock, I just don't see him being that intuitive. Does he have a touch of OOC from you?

- '...as if the walls held some secret and the air itself was afraid to exhale for fear of revealing that very secret.'

The only scentence I've ever read of yours that I felt didn't flow very well, and that's simply the second secret, after very.

- However, it would be a huge injustice waxing lyrical about the entrance, for it was but an appetizer for what was to come, for stepping through it was like taking a portal from a dull mundane world into a resplendent, sublime yet strangely arboreal world, such was the stark naked contrast between the real world and this utopian design, that comparisons fail to grasp the structural and aesthetic beauty and anything used as an adjective would be a mere euphemism of the truth.

Nice scentence. It is so long, it has to be broken up, through semi colon or periods. It shouldn't effect much because it is so beautifully written. Kudos on that scentence

- '...forever etched and cast in basalt and marble.'
Verb redundancy, etched and cast in that context mean the same thing. To me, it's like saying 'He trotted and jogged down street." they mean the same thing

- '...cloaked in Night’s opaque ...'
Night shouldn't be capitalized, and again nicely done with personifying such forces. (As stated below)

- 'One would wonder whether there would be a landscape view of a great mountain cloaked in Night’s opaque embroideries and encapsulated in the moon’s chillingly azure hue, with the night dotted with faraway stars that seemed to wink at the viewer, or whether one would see a nocturnal skirmish between two great winged wyrms, taking flight towards the proverbial welkin, under the canopy of heaven, with gouts of fire emanating from their maws, burning so bright one would cringe at the supposed heat.'

Another run-on Scentence, break it up. it too is beautifully written by the way ;)

'“Corrections, that makes all of us. '
That 's shouldn't be there, it shouldn't be plural. Unless that's one of those proper english things.

- "May corrected our hero as she gazed at the fauna, which was all around places where the eye traveled, yet never where the feet would intend to go, as if every movement had already been second-guessed to the zenith of perfection in that moment of genius that had been the ballroom’s creation."

Mmm, more run-onning. Once again, it is beautifully written however.

- '“Guys, think we better get seated.'

You're missing something from that, perhaps an I, or some sort of slang term to fill in the slot. Or even a question mark.

- As they slowly circumvented and routed their way to the designated table and seats, each and every one of our heroes surely but silently noted that all the other people present in the ballroom, whether seated already or new arrivals like them, acted in pretty much the same way, like the probable reaction of one who has watched black and white television all his life and yet is suddenly introduced to 3-D theatre, only surely on a more grandiose scale.

Ahhh! It's all one scentence.

-Carved out of pure marble and aged on purpose to achieve an off-white finish, etched with cryptic symbols, among other intricate designs, and bathed in a combination of yellow, blue and red light, even the tables and chairs looked as serenely a product of what one could call an artistic miracle as every other thing in the confines did.

While this one isn't as bad as the other ones, it does still require a modest amount of fixin's.

-Even as our hero took his seat and eagerly awaited the arrival of his food and the promised speech of the brains behind the tournament and perhaps the Eden he was currently situated in as well as the showpiece that was to follow, something niggled at his mind, something which he could not place.

Another one.

Alright, I won't be doing run-ons anymore. It's pretty obvious at this point, and they're easy to spot. Because at this point looking for them is starting to subtract from my experience of reading the story.

- with the lights commissioned to bring illumination to that designated area turned up several notches in terms of output.

I felt the flow was lacking in this scentence. Don't get me wrong, the scentence is good, but you've set a precedent with the scentences before it, so when I read something like this, it doesn't compare. It's like a speed bump for the story, it took me out of the mood the rest of the story had built.

- Our in-the-midst-of-yet-another-chicken-drumstick hero quipped

Compared to what was just displayed as far as talent in writing in the earlier parts of the story, this is just plain bad. You've set up a glorious use of words, and then you do something like this and it makes me just want to go "Uhh, why?" Once again, it totally broke the mood. However, I'm not sure what you were aiming for...


--Praises, and the good stuff--

Rawr! I hope you didn't just skip down here ;) Bah, I care not my friend.

- 'which was all around places where the eye traveled, yet never where the feet would intend to go'

JESUS MARRY AND JOSEPH! THIS IS SO POETIC! I LOOOOVE IT!

- Your ability to string together words is so poetic and it almost puts an energy inside of me when I read what you've wrote.

- You've found a way to make wonderful comments as the narrator, and reveal certain things about what's going on in such a way that it runs smooth as silk with the rest of the story. An extremely impressive feat to accomplish, well done my friend.

- '...as if caught in a dilemma as to whether going on would just equate more punishment or added glorification for victory in adverse circumstances.'

You took away any guessing of who would win with this piece of a scentence, very very very nice. It made us wait and see. I was so suprised when you did this, I would have NEVER done something like this. I loved it!

- You have a glourious way of personifing and conceptualizing forces, I.E. Nature's emmisaries as one example.There is a word that refers to such forces, but it eludes me right now. I'll think of it later, probably. This is beautifully done, and it gives more feeling the story, (especially when I envision night herself doing these things)

- I'm wagering that Hitmonlee is going to win.

I was right! I guessed because chan said, "Chan!" and I assumed, yeah you're gonna get it because you're overeager. Vs. Lee's "Lee..." less exciteable moaning.


And the nitty gritty.
So, yeah, it's really fun reading what you have to tell us. Very fun in fact you should try posting more chapters more often.

Your writing is beautiful, however you do tend continue on. You don't talk about something too much, you just don't put in a period so it can get a little confusing sometimes. Not a big deal at all.

And I totally want you to rip apart my chapter like I did yours, and get your revenge ;) ;213; SHUCKLED!

You ROCK AT WHAT YOU DO! AND I LOVE YOUR UNIQUE BLEND OF STYLE! Classic, contemporary, and eccentric, your writing has a flavor all it's own, and I encourage everyone to read this story, it is a MUST READ!

Elemental Charizam
25th June 2005, 3:05 PM
I don't deny that it was a great forshadowing battle, but it still doesn't matter to me who wins or loses. It wouldn't really affect the fic either way if Hitmonchan won instead. I did like the idea of the ballet style battling; it reminded me strongly of Slaves Of The Master, one of my favourite books.

It doesn't matter wether it was Ash and co that battled, we didn't get a feel of the characters that fought, and we didn't feel sympathy for them in great amounts either. The reason I don't enjoy it so much might be because I'm comparing to the otherwordly gladiator fights in Slaves Of The Mastery.

Joe-y
25th June 2005, 4:06 PM
Perhaps you're looking at it all wrong Charizam. Maybe the fight was meant to be ruthless and emotionless as a way to reflect upon the mental state of the fight's original initiators, and the person would have them fight for amusement in the first place.

Since it all seems to come back the the man in black, wouldn't it make sense that the fight foreshadows his personal attributes and maybe even strengths as a cruel and ruthless individual?

Plus, although it might not matter to you who wins or loses, was it ever supposed to? Maybe the fact that Hitmonlee won was to show that the villain prefers finesse and grace over brute strength and force.

It's all their to show dude, and the lack of emotion just shows the types of conditioning that the pokemon and the people are required to go through. To me, it sounds like the mastermind has his ensemble wrapped around his finger, ready to do almost anything for him. Albiet they are highly trained if they could pull off signing the battle, that doesn't mean they and their pokemon aren't brainwashed.

Avegaille
25th June 2005, 4:44 PM
Sure, no probs there. Read whenever you feel you have the time to accomodate the fic.

Thanks, I appreciate your patience.... I have loads of otehr sutff to do, but if i really do have time, i'll read it! ^^

mindripper
25th June 2005, 6:43 PM
Right. I see that I have something to explain, and as always I do it gladly.


It seems that Brock is used as more a plot device then he is as an actual character. At least in the early chapters. It feels like he's lost some of his depth in lieu of progression. This isn't a bad or good thing, just a note.

I did what I felt the anime was doing. brock is usually used for explanatory stuff. Do think about it. You might just arrive at the same conclusion as me. He will have something to do later though. I guarantee it.


It seems the story is more about Ash and Misty more then anyone else. Could you do me a favor and tell me who the main characters are? I want
to know =)

Well, they will feature more than others, and you will have to find out in due time as well.


I'm all for foreshadow, but isn't this a bit too obvious? I prefer subtle ways of foreshadow, but that's just me, and MY opinion.

That was not foreshadowing. That was more about the mood. It just tells Ash and co that something larger than what they forsee may be brewing.


The scentence is fine, I do however want to know how you feel about the fourth wall, you seem to break it, at least from the narrator's perspective. You've done other things like this, so what's your stance on the world they live in? Is it a farce on the show? A story, with the elements of the show for
comical bits only? I want to knooow >.<

I wrote this as a complete story, but I added scripted elements to it. This is an anime first and foremost. I was trying to break up the whole thing with the commercial break, give viewers and readers something different once in a while. I also used it to bridge the period of time Ash spent in the bathroom.]


This kind of 'till' is used for referring to the land, the slang 'til is done with an apostraphe before the t.

Check it up. A very common misconception. "Till" is a proper word, and means exactly the same as "until", just that the latter is used when it is the first word in a sentence. Anywhere else, it is fair game.


Our hero | Our heroine You use these lines a LOT and they get repetitive after a while. In fact, this is the most common way you refer to Ash and Co.

Why? Because that is what they are to me! I push and prod them in whatever way I want, and I prefer to condition readers and get them used to my style. Its a very subtle thing. Once you get used to that, the narrator's role suddenly becomes easier to swallow.


While you've kept brock in character very well, I don't think the cliched phrase "so to speak" would ever be something to come across his lips. I'm speaking of the show's brock, I just don't see him being that intuitive. Does he have a touch of OOC from you?

I have always believed that Brock is the writers' explanatory device, meaning he is there to explain stuff, perhaps to May and Max in the midst of a battle. I would attribute those words to him easily. Just because he has never said them before does not bother me the least bit.


Night shouldn't be capitalized, and again nicely done with personifying such forces. (As stated below)

Actually, you said it yourself-- use of personification here. Should be capitalised in that case. Like "Death comes to all". Death is a personification, and so we treat it as a name.


The only scentence I've ever read of yours that I felt didn't flow very well, and that's simply the second secret, after very.

I could have substituted the second "secret" with a bigger word but I did not see the need.


You're missing something from that, perhaps an I, or some sort of slang term to fill in the slot. Or even a question mark.

It is speech, and I am sure that most people have spoken like that at some point in their lives. It was not emant to be entirely correct, but meant to add realism to speech. It would seem very unrealistic if characters' pspeech did not have realistic nuances.


I felt the flow was lacking in this scentence. Don't get me wrong, the scentence is good, but you've set a precedent with the scentences before it, so when I read something like this, it doesn't compare. It's like a speed bump for the story, it took me out of the mood the rest of the story had built.

It had to be included. It was a necessary evil, IMO. Just because a precedent is set does not mean that you leave readers to assume.


Compared to what was just displayed as far as talent in writing in the earlier parts of the story, this is just plain bad. You've set up a glorious use of words, and then you do something like this and it makes me just want to go "Uhh, why?" Once again, it totally broke the mood. However, I'm not sure what you were aiming for...

Why? because I needed a lull in the mood. Like a half-time break between two halves of a soccer game. I needed a break between this battle and the next, so that there is no overlapping at all. Sometimes when people write, these are the evils we have to include.

Now, brings me to the biggest defence of all, of long sentences. In my book, semicolons are also necessary evils, which I try to avoid. Semi-colons are basically tools which we use to join short sentences into a longer sentence. However, for it to be used, there has to be more of a need for a full-stop than a comma, and my sentences rarely require periods.

I have said time and time again that long sentences are something I adore to the max, and I believe that you would not have seen those sentences in their full glory if they had been broken up or stalled in any way. The powerful effects would also be diminished.



About the battle. I am not criticising Charizam here. However, I feel that if you could just leave out the fact that Ash was not involved and see it from a totally neutral point of view, it becomes much more exciting. With Ash, you know that he triumphs most of the time. For neutral battles, you guess all the way. That is the beauty of them. Oh Ash will have more than his share of battles. Just wait and see.

legendaryrider
25th June 2005, 7:26 PM
that is still cool but can you tell me what the poem means.
please and thatnk you

Poison Master
25th June 2005, 10:21 PM
phew, finally finished the whole thing and what can I say? Briiiiiiilllllliiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnt!

I love the way the characters interacted with each other, its nice to read some fics with the Anime peeps too, and you pulled it off really well.

Great to see some Pokemon like Hitmonchan in.

I also love the way in which Ash is in this fic, the way he seems to doubt himself etc.

Now, you keep up the good work, I'll be watching *thumbs up*

IceKing
25th June 2005, 10:46 PM
Curse you Mindripper! 7 pages of thread in 2 weeks? Took me 6 months to get 7 pages!

Anyway, here’s the review for chapters 3-5. Sorry it took me so long, but I remembered! Because of the fact it took so long you will be the second person to receive on of my SUPER REVIEWS!

Quote Analysis


“Pika!!!” Our rodent was determined not to go down meekly, voicing its disapproval, before an apologizing Ash reluctantly returned it to its Pokeball.

This really bothered me because Pikachu has never been in a pokeball before and I do not think he would have gone down that easily.

I COULD go on, but I’m really not in the mood. That was the only quote that REALLY bothered me.

Likes
-The Description
-Characters
-Uniqueness
-Witty Humor
-The emphasis on strategy in battle

Description is absolutely amazing in this fic, it is really easy to picture what’s going on. The characters are extremely likeable (especially Ash and Max) and are in character as well. As I said before, this fic is really unique. It gets tiring to see fics written nearly the same way over and over, but your fic provides a different way of spreading a story. I cannot say that I ever read a fic with humor as witty as yours, for some reason I keep thinking of it as British humor, even though I don’t even know what British humor is! Perhaps my favorite part about your fic is the fact that your battles don’t really on just calling out a bunch of attacks and going from there (like mine >.>) but rather relies on strategy depending on position, environment, ect.

Dislikes
-The diction sometimes disrupts the flow (for me at least)
-Many modifiers/long sentences.
-There are grammar mistakes here and there
-You kind of go overboard sometimes

I know that’s your style of writing and all, but sometimes I feel the big words are forced and they disrupt the flow making it for difficult to read. Also, I noticed that you use lots and lots of modifiers, which can kind of make me lose my distraction. People already made their points about the long sentences, so I won’t go any further into that. I notice you forget commas in many place, but I noticed you have Psychic as a reviewer and I’m sure she points them out for you. The last dislike refers to the first two dislikes. I just feel that you’re going overboard and trying to hard to make it a high class fic. You should just let it come naturally. I found myself skimming through a few parts because of the overboardingness (mainly the Hitmonchan VS Hitmonlee battle)




The grade!

Paragraphing/Structure 9/10

There’s nothing wrong with the pargraphing and structure but it could use a little work it.

Grammar 9/10

I noticed some comma mistakes, but they weren’t too the point where they disrupted the flow.

Description/Detail 15/15

As I said earlier, you description is absolutely amazing! And you give more than enough details.

Plot/Originality 13/15

Well, the plot at this point is nothing completely amazing, its just a tournament, but I can see it getting more exciting and originality is definitely good

Flow 6/10

This is really my personal opinion, but I told you before about my problems with the flow.

Conflict 10/10

There arent really any REAL conflicts yet, so I gave you full points for now

Characters 15/15

As I said in my Likes, you portray the anime characters very well and make it amusing for the readers as well

Style 12/15

I really can’t say I’m too fond of your style. I find it can make parts of the fic confusing to read.
+1 point for the witty humor

TOTAL=90/100

Overall, I have to say I think this fic is pretty good. I do not think it’s outstanding as some of your other reviewers believe, but I can definitely see myself thinking it’s outstanding. I’m interested in seeing how this fic turns out since I am a tournament fic lover, so you’ll see more soon. Good luck with future chapters!

mindripper
25th June 2005, 10:58 PM
Iceking, thanks for te review in any case. I can take most criticisms, but I really hate it when people say that the bigger words look forced, because I write articles, and I do it in exactly the same way there. I know that some people dislike bigger words, because they do disrupt the flow at times. I can assure you that the flow is perfect the way it is as well! I read and re-read everything, and the one thing I focused on more than anything else was the flow.

I held myself in check a lot, actually, and description in battles is something that is sorely lacking in fics. I would be impressed with someone who bothered to put detail into his/her fic, esp the battles, because they are the most integral part of the fic. Without description, it does not matter how great the story is, because you cannot flesh it out.

Long sentences are never a liability unless they are incoherent or use too many conjunctions. They are confusing at times to people not used to seeing them, but they are much more powerful than several shorter sentences strung together.

Sequoia
26th June 2005, 7:24 AM
uh, can i just say something that doesn't really relate to your fic? ^.^ thanks. everyone's just taking the reviewing too seriously. take a look at the other fan fics, they have decent reviews that don't critisize every little mistake that the author/ess makes. maybe it's the one thing the person who reviews wants to say, but seriously, let mindripper write his fic the way he wants to, and don't pick on every single mistake he makes.

sk0rp10n
26th June 2005, 10:02 AM
Precisely. It just makes me wonder why other fics only get stellar reviews while people nitpick on this one, the only fic around here which has a novel feel to it, and the only fic which makes me feel that the author is good enough to be a professional.

Iceking, I do not understand why you claim that the author is trying to be high-class. There is a difference between formulaic descriptions and the elegant prose that we see here. Formulaic descriptions have big adjectives included just for the sake of it. Does this fic strike you as being forced? I do not think so! The flow is brilliant, and long sentences are a boon, not a bane. Go and read any work by a descriptive author, and you will see that they use long sentences exclusively for description. Just cos you are more used to seeing shorter ones does not mean that longer sentences do not do the job better.

I also suggest letting the author write the way he wants to, because no one else here can write like that, and that is truth, simple as that. When you said that other reviewers were too enthusiastic in hailing the brilliance of this fic, I guess you included me in there. WEll, as a pure piece of writing, this is the best around here. And if any author ever graces this forum and reads through all the fics, I have no doubt as to which one he/she would pick as the best. My opinion, and you are entitled to yours as well.

Sequoia
26th June 2005, 10:27 AM
yes, and i agree that this fic is the only one that feels novel-like. i mean, sheesh, if you published this fic as a book, and some people read it, it might make it onto a large reviewing system like NYTimes or something. i say we let him write the entire fic, and just comment on major mistakes.

TrueCharizard
26th June 2005, 10:27 AM
(Just read the introductory chapter) It had some very interesting touches but there were a few occasions I felt it was a tiny bit overpunctuated and using the word thus to describe the rocker's orders seemed a little bit out of place.

Other than that, good.

mindripper
26th June 2005, 10:45 AM
I will post the enxt chapter soon, for those of you who are interested in it. Prob within the next couple of days. I have grown very very tired of some things which are fgoing on around here. There are some people who do not post here but yet rate my fic low, probably intentionally. If you have a prob, at least let me know about it first. I thank all the closet readers who have PMed me recently in support. In fact, I thank everyone who has supported this fic in some way or another, be it faithful reviewers or even closet reviewers. I love you all.

This might be the last chap I ever post here. I feel worn out by all the sniping going on behind the scenes, and I dislike it immensely. If I never post again after the next chapter, I will prob take this fic to another site and post there. All those who wanna read more can PM me. Closet readers, this includes you as well. As long as you read the fic and have been influenced by it in some way, then you make me, the writer, very happy already. A review, no matter how short, would be great but just your readership is sufficient for me.

Do PM me if you are still interested in how this fic turns out, if I decide to stop posting after the next chapter. Thanks, been my pleasure.

absolution
26th June 2005, 12:18 PM
Damn, don't go man. Regardless of what people might say, I stand by the fact that you have an outstanding work on your hands, and it is up to people to see its quality.

I know how it must feel to you, but do maintain belief in your abilities. Your flow is perfect, and not once did your vocab seemed forced. Perhaps that reviewer prefers a different style or is jsut not used to seeing people write like this. You never did go overboard with description, and your writing was smooth and elegant as hell, none of the forced formula which some writers have. Take heart from that.

I really really look forward to seeing you display your talent again in the next chapter, and I sincerely hope it will not be the last. Serebii loses out if so. To everyone who has read this fic, even you closet readers, do say a few words in fairness! The closest fic to a novel I have ever seen, and spectacular in its delivery. Stay!

sk0rp10n
26th June 2005, 2:03 PM
This might be the last chap I ever post here.

Oh. My. God. NO!!! Some of the critique was pretty off target, like that about overdescription and the flow, but the rest were about minor errors, some of which you explained away perfectly! Your flow is great the way it is, and not once did your description seemed forced.

Iceking, stop nitpicking man... If you cannot accept longer sentences, which FYI are not wrong in any way, and nitpick about the best descriptive author we have, I really have to wonder if you have read descriptive novels before? They all pan out like that, and as I have said many times before, some authors would be jealous of this guy's descriptions. I was not trying to insult you, so relax, cos I know it is jsut your opinion. However, when you say that the author seems to be trying to be classy, that was pretty insulting. This fic has class written all over it, oozing out of the full stops, whether you care to admit it or not. I do not see any evidence of forced vocab, and IMO everything flows fine.

before you call us fanboys or fangirls, look around at the other fics. From a writing perspective, none comes close. And whether people admit it or not, it is the stark truth. People who are older and have seen and read many more works by adult authors should be able to figure that out easily.(again, not an insult to you, but many of you are still young!)

Psychic
26th June 2005, 6:21 PM
Really awesome!

That match-I was just blown back by it! You can really describe a battle! Funny-the battle was in slow-motion in my head the entire time. They both moved really slowly.

0.0 I liked how you described the ballroom. You made it seem like heaven on earth or something. Amazing. It's just kind of funny...I mean, you only see such master pieces...well, wherever you usually see them isn't there. *lame*

Yea...keep up the great work!

~Psychic

absolution
26th June 2005, 11:16 PM
0.0 I liked how you described the ballroom. You made it seem like heaven on earth or something. Amazing. It's just kind of funny...I mean, you only see such master pieces...well, wherever you usually see them isn't there. *lame*

What did this line mean? I dont get it.

Yeah about the battle. It was simply brilliant. I dont know why many authors ask how they should improve their description, when you got someone here who does it so effortlessly. Its like they are throwing stones at their own destinations. This fic is very weird. I can see people, esp the younger people here, either loving it or hating it. The simple truth is that someone who is above twenty would be able to read this perfectly, and yet still admire the skill. The flame wars have to stop, and the author should stay, and we find out just how good this thing gets.

IceKing
27th June 2005, 12:43 AM
I am sick and tired of the response to critisism in this fic. Mindripper, I will no longer be review this fic. I will read the chapters, but if I have to deal with people like skorpi0n who have to review other reviewers I refuse to post anymore in this thread. People like to point out mistakes and things that they didnt like GET OVER IT! And BTW, I know other people who are no longer reading this fic because of the horrible response to critisism.

mindripper
27th June 2005, 2:11 PM
Iceking, nitpicking about punctuation is fine, even though punctuation is largely subjective. Saying you dont like long sentences is fine, even though they are not wrong in any way, because it is your opinion as a person. If you want to comment about my flow, which IMO is perfect the way it is, it is also fine. If you feel my vocab is forced, also fine, your call again. However, you should at least list examples and tell me why they are wrong. Tell me why the work does not flow, according to you.

All that you said is not wrong. Except for the part that I tried to act classy. That was insulting, and I hope you know it. Being a nitpicky reviewer is fine, but no need to snipe. You ever see me do that to anybody else? If you want me to sift out all your mistakes, you can PM me and ask me to do it. You will prob not be happy with what I find.

Also, whether you want to read the fic is up to you. I am not forcing you, and never will I do so. For that matter, I do not force anybody to read the fic. You do as you please.

Skorpion, I appreciate your reviews, but there is no reason to argue on a thread. You solve nothing by doing that. Let Iceking say what he wants. I write the way I want. If I am still around you will find out exactly how well I can do that.

Nashua
27th June 2005, 2:45 PM
I just read the fifth chapter. The battle with Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee, I liked it. The description, the dialogue, it was simply great.

loosemoose
27th June 2005, 8:12 PM
Guys, stop this. Just stop it. Skorpion, no matter how much I agree with your reasoning, this is not the place to argue about them. Iceking, I have to say that comment about forced class by mindripper was distinctly lacking in class on your part.

Mindripper, I think you should stay. It is pretty obvious that you have come in and shaken things up a bit around here. You may have been the victim of several intentional low ratings, but the fact that these are happening to you more than anyone else at this given moment shows what a threat you are to these people, who originally thought they were the best.

Chapter 5 is easily the best chapter thus far. Flow is perfect as always, and you had a few chances to show off some of your unique delivery and poetic techniques. I loved it. there were several touches in there which were extremely classy, which any author would love to have.


After a commercial break

Nice way to break everything up, and to draw emphasis to the fact that your fic has scripted touches to it, further validating the narrator.


“Ladies first, Misty.” Ash continued his show of chivalry, and then quickly clamped a hand over his mouth as he realized his mistake, as his show of dazzling knightly chivalry degraded to brazen martyrdom.

Another example of what you can do. This not only builds up the humourous situation, but is also a great example of writing.


However, it would be a huge injustice waxing lyrical about the entrance, for it was but an appetizer for what was to come, for stepping through it was like taking a portal from a dull mundane world into a resplendent, sublime yet strangely arboreal world, such was the stark naked contrast between the real world and this utopian design, that comparisons fail to grasp the structural and aesthetic beauty and anything used as an adjective would be a mere euphemism of the truth.

I love this line. It is long, but completely correct, and its power comes from its length. Again, you demonstrate remarkable ability to juggle various aspects of writing, leading us in with a breathtaking preview of what we were to expect next, and then drawing attention to the prose by talking about adjectives. At the same time, you made the previous portion of the line seem that much more resplendent. Great!


forever etched and cast in basalt and marble

The end of a beautiful descriptive line. It is almost as though you had opened a door into your imaginationa ndushered as through. That was how good it was. To that person who did not like the usage of "etched" and "cast" in such close proximity, I believe that they are varied words. Etch means to carve, while to cast has moulding implications.


A natural feel was granted by the fauna seemingly growing at random, yet with an order to balance the temerity

Just like your writing. Seemingly chaotic, but with a very strict sense of order underlinging everything.


One would wonder whether there would be a landscape view of a great mountain cloaked in Night’s opaque embroideries and encapsulated in the moon’s chillingly azure hue, with the night dotted with faraway stars that seemed to wink at the viewer, or whether one would see a nocturnal skirmish between two great winged wyrms, taking flight towards the proverbial welkin, under the canopy of heaven, with gouts of fire emanating from their maws, burning so bright one would cringe at the supposed heat.

Wow, just wow.


So smothering was the beauty and wonder of that particular construct that anything less than what just has been written would be an intolerable insult.

Very nice subtle touch again. You bring attention to the fact that this is prose, no matter how realistic. The admission that everything is prose allows readers to evaluate your writing using their own power, and helps them to absorb everything.


I guarantee that it will be a life-shaping experience and one that will never ever be forgotten

Why is this such a great line to use at that time? Because Ash and co have just seen something pretty damn special. It hammers home the fact that Ash is going to see even MORE, and takes attention away from the ballroom. Nice.


Let tomorrow take care of itself, people; today has myriad worries of its own already.

I love this line. Some advice for all of us to follow.

I could quote the entire battle, but I choose not to. Had a choreographed feel to it, and was very inpromptu, which should be the case in any pokemon battle. I too felt like I was watching the battle in slow motion, and that is a feather in your cap, because that is the way all martial arts fights should be written. I do not really care that Ash was not involved. I was still interested as hell to find out who was going to win. I salute you for that piece of writing.

I would suggest a ceasefire in here, and I hope people give this fic what it deserves. It is a winner in my eyes.

pinetree
27th June 2005, 10:19 PM
I had to post here. Perennial closet reader, I am. Magnificent author, you are. Do not be bothered about people who do not think along the same lines as you, just keep going. As people try to improve as authors, they will one day walk down the same path that you have already taken, and they will understand why you blend and mix your words like that.

I can understand, but I cannot emulate, so all I can say is that you have done a great job over the 5 chapters thus far. I have silently enjoyed the ride. Take me for some more! Good luck!

HellZones
27th June 2005, 11:48 PM
This is an awesome fic. Your descriptive style is great, and you leave out no detail. It flows well, but the fight between the Hitmon's was a wee bit confusing.. and really sudden. xD Anyway, this fic, great.

5/5

2ra
28th June 2005, 1:02 AM
Astounding. Absolutely astounding. Although I've got to admit it was a long process to read all 5 chapters in one sitting, it was definantly far from a grueling process. In fact, I had to wait about an hour just so I could formulate a reply to this and even then there's no much I can say without sounding like a broken record of what everyone else has already replied.

Your writing style, shifts in tone, long descriptions, use of diction, etc; is impeccable. The one thing I could possibly complain about was the fact that when I got to the Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee battle I had to sort of skim through it, but that's only because I'm sick and was overwhelmed after reading so much so it isn't really on your part. lol

Well keep up the good work and I look forward to reading all of your future chapters and see where you are taking these characters in this tournament.

P.S. Even if Misty HAPPENS to be my favorite anime character, I tried not to be biased despite all of her character development. ^_^

sk0rp10n
28th June 2005, 8:53 AM
^^Ah, you missed out on the best battle thus far! It did happen for a reason, as it was a showpiece battle for trainers and their friends to enjoy. Mindripper said that there would be one more similar battle!

It wasn't forced onto us. I think it was there to hint that Ash has gotten himself into something bigger than any normal tournament. The foreshadowing is all there, and we just have to read to find out more. I dont think that it was confusing at all. It isn't your normal "I throw a left, you throw a right" kinda fight that we see at times. It has so many more exaggerated moves, but still keeps a sense of reality. that is the way a martial artist would fight, and that is how I would expect fighting pokemon to battle as well.

mindripper
28th June 2005, 5:51 PM
Ok. The last few days have been pretty trying for this fic, with the arguments and all. However, chapter 6 will now be posted. The first piece of good news in a long time. This is prob going to be the last chapter that I will post here, as I do not want repeats of the last few days. I will let the response to this chapter decide my fate. I sincerely hope that everyone will enjoy this chapter, for that was what I had in mind when I began work on the fic.

As always, a huge thank you to every single person who has even looked at this fic. I hope that my words have inspired a few to climb even higher in their respective journeys to the pinnacle of writing, and for those who need help, I will always be jsut a PM away. No matter, on with the show, and let such matters take care of themselves later. Enjoy.

mindripper
28th June 2005, 6:27 PM
Before our heroes had regained their composure, or even purged the dregs of the adrenaline rush afforded by the previous battle, another two figures had stridden up the stage and took their places in the limelight. Both cast a look at the other before each fished out a Pokeball, and with a familiar whoosh released the battlers within.

A roar resonated through the ballroom as a huge green, armour plated entity, blessed with razor claws, spines and a bad disposition to boot, with a vague but recognizable resemblance to a Tyrannosaurus Rex made its appearance. Rage, anger and ruthless aggression were personified and compressed into the fighting machine that stood on the stage’s left, teeth already gnashing in preparation for what surely would be a quick and easy victory.

The audience’s oohs and aahs at the sight of Tyranitar being a component of the upcoming battle subsided somewhat as a similar whoosh, drowned almost entirely by the audience’s reaction to the Tyranitar’s arrival signaled the arrival of its polar opposite. Standing at barely past the waistline of the oversized Tyranitar and weighing a fifth of its opponent, but yet with flaming red eyes belying its inner strength and a sneer that bordered on a smile, Tyranitar’s opponent stood calm and composed before the whirling dervish of potential destruction that stood before it, like a lone coconut tree before a hurricane.

“Let’s go, Tyranitar.”

“You too, Gengar.”

A roar answered Tyranitar’s trainer, raising the decibel level in the ballroom to ear-bursting levels. Gengar merely grinned evilly and noiselessly beckoned its opponent toward it, much like a school nerd who had taken too much and would take no more, even if it meant going down in a blaze of gory glory, in terms of physical size and strength.

That thing is HUGE!!! Larger than any I have ever seen before.

Our hero’s thoughts probably echoed that of everybody else in the audience.

Any remaining thoughts about the match being anything like the first match between Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee evaporated like an ice cube in burning hell as Tyranitar’s trainer immediately issued orders for some heavy-duty attacks.

“Tyranitar, tackle.”

With a speed seemingly impossible for a Pokemon so bulky, Tyranitar charged forward at its target, seemingly glad to be finally given a license to damage and injure.

“Gengar, avoid the attack and use hypnosis”

Tyranitar may not have been just any normal schoolyard bully, but then and again Gengar did not exactly fit the mould of the school nerd, a.k.a cannon fodder. The ghost pokemon complied with deceptive ease, lofting its stout black body over the huge onrushing obstacle, and biding its time, waited for its opponent to turn around before focusing its gaze on Tyranitar’s eyes. The dinosaur-esque Pokemon’s aggressive motions screeched to an abrupt halt as the effects of the hypnosis attack settled in. The boiling aggression so evident in those eyes seemed to cease to boil and merely simmered instead, as though someone had put out the furnace that stoked Tyranitar’s fire and ire.

“Tyranitar, shake it off. Fight out of it and focus on your match. Use Mach punch on that Gengar now.” Tyranitar’s trainer spoke with the epitome of calmness in his voice, as if it was a been-there-done-that situation for him and Tyranitar.

Another earth splitting roar emerged from Tyranitar’s maw as it thrashed its head from side to side, trying to shake off the effects of Gengar’s attack, as a horse which was yet to be broken in would try to throw off any riders. With a sudden alertness which underlined Tyranitar’s success in shrugging off the hypnosis attack like a fir tree shrugs off the clutches of the cruel winter, and a disgruntled roar to highlight its unhappiness at such a cheap tactic being used against it, it zoomed forward, fist outstretching and waiting for solid purchase.

“Gengar, nightshade, now.”

A bolt of darkness emerged from Gengar’s sneering mouth and hit Tyranitar square in the chest, with a grunt of pain as its reward. That grunt of pain was to be its only form of reward, however, as Tyranitar showed its high threshold to pain by not even slowing down after getting hit by the attack, and Tyranitar’s reward for its tenacity was a punch in Gengar’s chest, sending the ghost Pokemon soaring through the air before landing with a thud. Gengar sprang up at once, the sneer *** grin widening even more such that it seemed to stretch from ear to ear, engulfing half of its face.

Due to it being a ghost Pokemon, hitting it with a punch was equivalent to hitting jelly with a hammer, as Gengar’s semi-physical body wrapped and warped around the fist in a manner so as to absorb a certain amount of impact and reduce the damage dealt by the Mach punch considerably. In a nutshell, its pride had been hurt more than its physical self. Getting hit, and having its own attack seem to do next to nothing despite the type advantage it held merely rubbed salt into its wounds.

“Gengar, shadow punch, now.”

“Stop it in its tracks with an ice beam.”

Tyranitar’s mouth cackled with blue energy, before sending out a beam of glacial power, hitting the hapless Gengar in the midst of a shadow punch attack, coating the ghost Pokemon with a layer of ice.

Sensing the opportunity, Tyranitar’s trainer decided to strike while the proverbial iron was still hot, calling for a match-ending move.

“Tyranitar, focus punch and knock that Gengar out while it is still immobile within the ice.”

Tyranitar’s eyes blazed with glee as it cocked its right fist back, drawing upon its immense reserves of strength and picking a spot on the icy statue in front of it, began the run which would give it added momentum as and when it struck the punch, channeling all the strength it could from the reservoir that its body served as and braced for the eventual impact, shattering the ice into innumerable fragments, which fell back to the ground like snowflakes during Christmas. Tyranitar halted its rampage and surveyed the area, as did its trainer. It had been a good battle, but few Pokemon could have withstood a move like the one just executed, and Gengar’s chances did not look very good if it was hit by something like that.

The keyword in every argument or debate such as that about Gengar’s chances of survival is the word “if”. “If” Gengar got hit; if Gengar was going to get up from a devastating attack like that; “if” indeed indicated nothing more than a dangerous jumping to conclusions, an indication of pride, the precursor of downfall. Take the following scenario: what if Gengar simply was not there?

A flash of darkness stood out behind Tyranitar, a darkness darker than dark; as a fist, emblazoned with black power, slammed into Tyranitar from behind, causing the huge Pokemon to rear up in pain, arching its back forward as a result of the pain and the impact, a tinge of pain and doubt blended into those burning eyes. Out of the consuming shadows behind Tyranitar stepped out a shadow darker still, eyes and sneering grin seeming to feed off the contrast and grow ever so outstanding, as if Tyranitar was battling two red eyes and a sneer, and was not having the easiest of days at the office.

“Tyranitar, flamethrower.”

“Gengar, follow suit with a nightshade of your own.”

A brief moment passed before the ballroom was illuminated by the attacks of the two Pokemon, fiery rage embodied in Tyranitar’s flamethrower and cunning guile, as amply shown by that timely teleport move done while still within the clutches of the ice beam’s aftereffects, was represented by a ray of pitch black, with the two attacks colliding head on. From then, it was a battle of will, power and mental resolve, as both Pokemon jockeyed for position and a firmer grip on the match. Both had scored moral victories along the way, but in that battle, as in every other situation, last blood would always count more than first blood. And last blood was high on the list of priorities of the two Pokemon, oblivious to everything else but the ongoing struggle for projectile and range supremacy.

For all of Gengar’s evident prowess and multitude of abilities, its style was better suited to cloak and dagger battling, as compared to the rough and tumble Tyranitar, which could take a licking and still keep ticking. Slowly but surely, the collision point between the two attacks moved towards the ghost Pokemon, indicating that Tyranitar’s strength of attack was higher, which did not take a rocket scientist to figure out.

“Gengar, hold on in there. Use hypnosis, while Tyranitar cannot move.” Gengar’s trainer sensed the inevitable denouement in that particular tragedy if his battler carried on in such a fashion, and decided to take a gamble, a calculated risk, for all those adept at casino jargon.

Why a risk? Pokemon, no matter how well trained or disciplined, can only handle a single attack at any given time, if that attack is to be executed to the fullest of its abilities. There is an unwritten multiplier which governs such situations—simply put, the more attacks a Pokemon attempts to execute simultaneously, the weaker each becomes; if two attacks were to be ordered together, then each attack would be less than half as effective as it normally would be, and less than a third as effective if three were to be used at a time.

Gengar’s eyes glowered as it channeled a portion of its power into the hypnosis attack, desperately trying to draw a balance between the power it needed to hold off Tyranitar for the time being as well as leaving it with enough to empower the hypnosis attack.

The collision point between the flamethrower and the nightshade attacks rushed towards Gengar, even as Gengar caught the eye, so to speak, of its opponent, and desperately tried to squeeze the consciousness out of it.

(The following is done in present tense as it acts like a narration of what we or the viewers would see in that situation, screen focuses on Tyranitar’s close-up and its point of view)

The audience, who mostly did not catch the whispered command by Gengar’s trainer, collectively expressed surprise when the flamethrower, on the verge of completely overwhelming the nightshade attack, faltered suddenly as the mighty Tyranitar teetered on its feet, all the while seemingly fixated on Gengar’s burning eyes.

The screen then zooms in for a close up of Tyranitar’s eyes. We can clearly see the unchained aggression and anger within, but they would gradually become mirrors, reflections of Gengar’s eyes, as the rage within Tyranitar’s eyes is snuffed out and replaced by a pair of burning red eyes, which seemed to stare not just at one, but to prod and probe deep within the veneers of one’s mind, like an archaeologist delves through layers of debris and rock, peeling away the shelter of myriad ancient secrets, and shaping his surroundings to be the most conducive.

(From Tyranitar’s pov)

Tyranitar poured every ounce of energy it had into its flamethrower, a leaf it had taken out of a fire Pokemon’s book. Gengar still had the same implacable and infinitely infuriating sneer on its face that yet vaguely resembled a grin. Tyranitar felt confident in a battle of brute power and endurance such as that which was currently taking place. Gengar, for all its sneering and grinning, was obviously faltering, with its nightshade being overwhelmed by the flamethrower. Tyranitar felt ecstatic. Victory was surely in its grasp, as long as no careless mistakes were made. It heard a command from its trainer, telling it to keep up the pressure, and it replied with a mere grunt, a huge step down from its customary roars, which were a mark of its self-proclaimed alpha status. It stole a peek at Gengar’s eyes; surely the mockery and arrogance which had resided there would be replaced by a compelling fear of not only what was to come, but the finality of the outcome.

Tyranitar’s world spun around upon establishing eye contact with its opponent; those glowering eyes had lost none of their luster and spirit, and if possible looked enhanced from previous memories Tyranitar had of them. The ballroom, large and cavernous as it was, looked like a mere splash of some careless artist’s paints, as if some abstract art were being viewed through a puddle of water, swirling around even as it was being compressed into a kaleidoscopic nucleus of colours.

Tyranitar was unable to blink, and while it seemed the whole world was blown completely out of perspective, there was a constant in the chaos, which was the devilish glower of Gengar’s eyes, which seemed to grow larger even as everything else warped and shrunk. Soon, even the variety of colours was gone, replaced only by a growing red orb, burrowing deep into its mind, imploring it (in Pokemon language of course, which the writer does not know enough about) to lay down and rest, to forget about the violence for just a while, to take a quick hiatus from the hassles of battling.

Tyranitar had completely forgotten the seemingly small and insignificant matter of the supposedly ongoing flamethrower-versus-nightshade battle, and while it was sure that its trainer was screaming something at it, even sound was muddled, and further coupled with and aggravated by Tyranitar’s simple negligence of all other mundane occurrences, meant that Gengar’s two red eyes were all that mattered, and under no duress, the mighty Tyranitar slumped onto the ground, fast asleep and dreaming away.

It opened its eyes and realized that it was in some kind of Utopian paradise, a lush and verdant setting where sunshine warmed skin cold for too long, and the trees and shrubbery combined effortlessly to complete a scene that was straight out of Tyranitar’s best dreams, one of peace and quiet for a change. It blinked once. Once was enough. The picturesque landscape had degraded into one straight out of a nightmare. Firstly, the Sun, that very source of warmth that somehow gives us all illumination as well as a sense of security, as if lurking terrors have no place in a world of sunshine, was gone, replaced by a very full moon, glimmering sickly in the sky.

The lush grasses and trees were replaced by endless sand, decorated by the occasional scraggy tree or bush. The feeling of paradise was gone, replaced by something infinitely more sinister. Bad things come in bunches, and that saying was validated as with another hopeful blink, the moon had seemingly undergone binary fission of some sort, and there were two of them, not glimmering with a sickly light anymore, but glowing an eerily familiar shade of red. A bleat of terror escaped its mouth, and turning tail, it ran in the opposite direction, pumping muscles and putting distance quickly between whatever malignant evil there was and itself. A tree, long since stripped of its foliage, loomed ahead, and as Tyranitar drew closer, it was suddenly gifted the ability of sight via two glowing red eyes. Tyranitar’s terror lent it strength, and it fired off a hyberbeam at the tree, which was instantly blown into small chunks of firewood. Casting a glance backwards, it continued loping forward, till it ran smack into a semi-solid body and fell backwards.

Looking upwards despite what its judgment advised, its worst fears were confirmed—the stout body, blacker than black but which was currently bathed in an eerie shade of red, the sickening sneer and the omnipresent pair of eyes. Gengar grinned widely, for the first time drawing a clean divide between a sneer and a grin, and opened wide, bending forwards towards its quarry. Tyranitar wanted to move, but the sand, which had somehow shed its collective amorphous form for the intransigency of limb-like appendages, held it rigidly in place. It could only stare at the nonentity within the jaws of its nemesis, enervated by the inexorable geography of doom superimposed over its will, even as oblivion came down, down and down some more… ...

Tyranitar awoke, thrashing its limbs in a completely random manner. It would enjoy paying its opponent back for the dream eater attack, plus interest. Snorting offensively, it waited for its trainer to give a command. Gengar merely sneered at it some more.

“Tyranitar, earthquake attack.”

It obliged more than willingly, slamming a huge foot down onto the ground, sending tremors through the ground to where Gengar stood. Gengar merely avoided the attack by levitating into the air, out of reach of the earthquake’s clutches.

“Gengar, throw a shadow ball at it now.”

Through rage enhanced vision, Tyranitar saw Gengar place its two hands half a foot apart, palms facing each other, and saw energy being channeled to create a sphere of dark energy, with a plumage so dark it left impressions after one closed his eyes, much to the same effect as staring at a lighted object for too long would achieve, only devoid of the “light” factor.

“Aerial ace.”

Tyranitar obeyed, taking two steps forward in which time it had wound itself up like a spring and jumped, pausing momentarily to see the shadow ball pass harmlessly below it and offer a patronizing glance. “Levitate again, Gengar.” That was what it had heard its opponent’s trainer order. Tyranitar shot through the air like a speeding bullet, reaching its hands out and grabbing Gengar just as the ghost Pokemon was levitating itself above the aerial ace attack, an ultimately futile attempt to avoid the attack.

Focusing and consciously condensing its weight downwards, Tyranitar’s prolonged leap took a swift and very literal downward spiral, with Gengar lifted high above its head initially before being smashed downwards in a bone-crunching maneuver just as Tyranitar itself crash landed to give more weight to the slam. Relentlessly, Tyranitar tenaciously held onto its quarry, lifting Gengar up to its shoulder height and upon a command from its trainer started to squeeze the life out of its opponent, huge hands easily encompassing Gengar’s body like a technical vice clamps down on a table.

“Tyranitar, finish it with a hyberbeam.”

It was Tyranitar’s turn to smile, an opportunity which it duly did not pass up, doing its best impression of humour even as a refulgent glow took seed in its mouth and started growing. It sniffed the air—the familiar yet never sickening sense of familiar victory was omnipresent, an aromatic form of therapy in itself.

“Gengar, use skill swap!!”

Tyranitar, as well as its trainer, both did a double take upon hearing that command, with the former nearly swallowing its own hyperbeam in the heat of the moment. Fortunately for it, there was nothing left for it to swallow. Fortunately for it, Gengar’s sneer/grin had all but been obliterated by its immense effort and concentration. Unfortunately for Tyranitar, a moment of lightheaded feeling had escalated and acerbated into a full-blown case of vertigo as it realized that it was currently levitating at least a metre and a half above the stage surface. Even more unfortunately, Gengar’s sneer/grin had been replaced at least temporarily with a refulgent white glow, which seemed to glower even more malevolently with each passing moment. Most unfortunately, Gengar opened its mouth to release a full-blooded hyperbeam onto the levitating Tyranitar, sending it airborne as if fired off from a humungous catapult, before hitting the deck with a smash. A split second later, Gengar had bowed to the audience in appreciation of their attendance.


Our bandanna-wearing, pouch-slinging, red-wearing heroine number two May heaved a sigh, an action that was echoed by the rest of the people in attendance, as if being caught up in the pulsating action had inadvertently resulted in them forgetting to do something so trivial as breathe.

I may not have been in this line for too long, but I have NEVER seen anything like that before.

May knew exactly what conclusions her subconscious mind had come to, but for the sake of being tactful consciously kept it from her lips.

They are better than anyone I have ever seen before, including… ... Including… ...

She stole a glance at her friend and our protagonist, as if afraid he would sense her thoughts just by looking in her general direction, and when she was sure it was not the case, once again guiltily gave free reign to her thoughts,

Including Ash… ...

“Whoa, that was some battle huh. I’m going to get myself a Gengar as soon as I get out of here.” Our inspired hero sets himself higher targets and loftier goals.

“That Tyranitar, though it lost, looks good enough to take down the majority of trainers you will probably see at the Hoenn league by itself, unless of course they have a Gengar like the one we just saw.” Brock shook his head and squinted, still trying to shake off the awesome battle he had just witnessed.

“Or the Hitmonchan or Hitmonlee from the first battle; they were great too.” Max added, a tinge of awe in his voice.

Looking around at her friends’ faces, May knew that even in her silence, and even though her friends had not breached the topic, there was something in their voices; be it the tingle of awe, wonder or downright fear at what they just saw, or the fact that all of them had cast nervous glances at our hero, as if subconsciously his chances had already taken a hit, as if all of them had belittled his chances already, as if they had all merely echoed her sentiments. Some things in life, when unsullied by the loquacious tumult of the voice, resonated that much louder in the quiescent logistics of the mind.

Our heroine number one Misty remained silent, partly because anything she wanted to say about the Pokemon she had just seen in action, all the superlatives and the like, would merely echo what everybody else had already gushed about; and partly because any encouragement she would have wanted to give our hero would sound hollow and false.

She wiped the sweat off her brow and brushed a delinquent hair away from her eyes. Images flashed through her head again. She saw in vivid detail how Ash had prepared, or rather not prepared for the Indigo league, preferring to indulge his pride instead, and that had surely cost him against Richie, his good friend and rival. However, she had seen him overcome the odds as well, like against Drake, whom no one gave him even a sliver of a chance against. Ash did have a knack of overcoming the odds, and she hoped fervently that his redeeming qualities would be enough to tide him through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


“Ash, you promised you would take me to the pool; you promised… ...” Our nerd-in-the-herd Max took a step down by whining at our horrified hero, big pink hearts shining brightly in his eyes.

(From the pov of our dear hero Ash)

He glanced irritably at Max, who was starting to look more and more like a big green grasshopper to him.

What could POSSIBLY be worse than a big green grasshopper??

In true anime style, our hero took another peek at Max, who had started buzzing loudly at him and had suddenly developed huge circular complex eyes and wings, and yet still managed to keep those huge black glasses on.

What could POSSIBLY be worse than a big green grasshopper??

A big green grasshopper with glasses on… ...

“Max, why don’t you get Misty to bring you to the pool? I’ve got something I have to do. Something to do with the competition that is going to start in earnest tomorrow. She can swim way better than me in any case.”

If a look could kill, our dear hero would have been packed up and buried six feet under; such was the glare our heroine number one shot him. Our hero grinned sheepishly in return, eyes silently pleading in an unheard prayer for help, answered by a look which was so intensely murderous that the Medusa would have shrieked once and turned to stone subsequently. Looking at her face, Ash decided it was better not to press the issue, especially since Misty had already decided she was not going swimming with Max, and any further subtle prompting would just lead to her starting a certain game with him. It was called the is-my-mallet-harder-or-is-your-head-harder game. The mallet always won.

Frustration threatened to boil over at any moment, as our weary hero desperately sought solutions to the current situation. He suddenly wished Misty had never come, as he doubted he would need the self-depreciating anecdotes she often fed him with, and her stubborn character was not and probably would never be something malleable enough for him to manipulate or even persuade, an additional burden he did not need at that moment. The worst part of it all was the fact that he needed to do something, something which would help him the following day, something which would help him avoid possible, if not probable embarrassment in the tournament, judging from the Pokemon he had just seen in action. The worst part was that he did not know what the something was; he only knew he had to find a solution, a stop-gap measure to allay the growing fears in his heart.

“Hey Ash, you and Misty go on ahead. I’ll take my bro to the pool, and if Brock wants to he can come with us.” May had sensed the tension level rising unabatedly and tried her level best to diffuse the situation.

“Er, sure… Why not?? I could use a swim, and those cute girls who are bound to be at the pool right about now could use some company. I can almost see it now…” Brock trailed off into nonentity, but the faraway look in his eyes painted a clearer picture than anything he could have ever said.

Both doors swung open slowly yet surely, a gust of wind announcing the arrival of the figure, cloaked in shadow but carving out an impressive silhouette due to the contrast between the dim lighting in the room and the brighter corridor from which the figure had entered. The figure stepped in far enough for the lighting to reveal his features, which included but were not limited to a chiseled body, a great tan, a cool spiky hairstyle and a face which was rumoured to set sail to a thousand ships. The direction in which said ships would be sailing is unconfirmed at press time.

A tiny pair of beach-shorts left little to the imagination, but to the rest of the population in the room, what the shorts left revealed was enough. Manicured fingernails gripped seats, plucked eyebrows twitched, and all shapes and styles of hair swirled a la some shampoo advertisement, aided by an invisible wind, as faces turned to the new arrival. The mystery figure flashed a winsome smile, freezing in his pose for several seconds, flawless white teeth flashing like polished diamonds even in the dim light.

A confident swagger and gait accompanied the maestro of charm as he made his progress into the room and towards the edge of the pool, which was flanked by two rows of deck chairs, each occupied with a female dressed to kill. The mystery figure knew he had the attention of the floor, and also knew how to capitalize on that fact. In a few confident strides he had reached the rim of the pool, devoid of users and without a single ripple encroaching on the veil of serenity. Without the slightest hesitation the figure dove into the pool, the water cleft by his perfect entry, with hardly a splash, and ploughed through the length of the pool as a marine animal would, but with the greatest of ease and the most subtle grace.

The return to the point of approximate entry was just as flawless, watched by every eye in the room. The figure started to climb a small ladder out of the pool, but suddenly found himself being assisted by a blonde with white swimwear. He allowed himself to be assisted, and found himself at the core of a growing group of women, all different in terms of colour but yet strangely the same, as blonde hair went with white swimwear, as red hair went with red swimwear, and the like.

A quick glance to the vacated deck chairs showed a name imprinted on every chair: Rose, Ivory, Daisy, and so on. The figure realized those would be the names of his impromptu companions, and relaxed himself further, gyrating with the crowd, even as an impatient member of the group started pulling his ear playfully. While he dismissed it initially as an inexplicable reflex action to his presence, all the ear-tugging was starting to hurt. He would have to politely insist that his ear be left alone as soon as the “culprit” was identified. The dolourous acute pain in his ear was on the verge of excruciating, and he turned around, and turned around some more, looking, and saw... …

“MAX! What are you doing?” Our mystery figure lost all the charisma of his swimming pool escapade as he yelled at the offender, who was winning the tug-of-war with the ear, which was starting to resemble a beetroot wilting under the midday sun.

“You were acting really weird, Brock. Max was just trying to help. I was about to let Combusken out to execute a Mach punch on you myself.” May defended her brother, while skillfully shifting the blame to Brock, who flapped his gums but said nothing in return. “Let’s go you two. I want to hit the pool!!!”

Somehow, Brock inexplicably did not seem too thrilled with that prospect.

FlamingRuby
28th June 2005, 6:34 PM
::giggles at Brock's dream sequence::

I'd call that "Brock's Dream Sequence #30: Cannonball, Interrupted"

Wes
28th June 2005, 6:38 PM
Damn that was so.... so.... good! You are without a doubt one of the best writers I've ever seen in my whole life! Great description between the battle of Tyranitar and Gengar! Just great! I like the humor you put in the pool scene as well. Heh Max a grasshopper with glasses. I hope you consider that even if people purposely lower your fic, that's because it's great and marvelous and jealousy is a powerful thing. Well I hope you stay cause this story is making me want to pay!

xsweet_peax
28th June 2005, 6:47 PM
That was good. Though, about half of the whole fic was on one battle...and it's against two characters we don't even know. However, besides that, it was pretty good.

mindripper
28th June 2005, 6:55 PM
I just did something which the anime should do more. I was trying to tell everyone that the pokemon world is not just about Ash and his battles. there are other trainers out there who are just as good, if not better than him. I wanted to show that two random trainers could do Ash's job just as wella s he could, and to give some food for thought, because Ash would be facing such opposition in the latter stages of the fic.

I find it so much harder to write Ash;'s battles, because he usually triumphs, esp when we are talking a tournament fic. I hope that you guys could accept the battle as any other pokemon battle, and judge it by the quality of the battle, not the identity of the participents. It is important in the story, in subtle ways. I cannot stress enough on that.

HellZones
28th June 2005, 7:37 PM
This was my favourite chapter so far. The battle was awesome, and the fact you used Tyranitar sweetens the deal.

Also, the way you elaborated on Dream eater was awesome.

;202; ;202; ;202; ;202; . ;360; / ;202; ;202; ;202; ;202; ;202;

(4.5/5)

2ra
28th June 2005, 7:44 PM
Ehehehe typical old Brock.

Another great chapter and I really enjoyed the Gengar vs. Tyranitar battle although that might be because Gengar is one of my favorite Pokemon ^_^;;

Hmm...a veil of mystery surrounds this story. Something is still hidden in darkness...can't wait to find out what it is. If only I could decipher that poem lol

Well I hope you continue posting your fic here and don't let those people get to you =/ It's an excellent story and it would be a shame to see it go to waste.

The Burnt Shadow
28th June 2005, 7:46 PM
Another cool battle, you've got very impressive writing skills. But I'm just wondering why this might be your last chap here.

Psychic
28th June 2005, 10:02 PM
Very well done!

I enjoyed the battle between Tyranitar and Gengar a lot. Very cool. Your idea of Dream Eater was extremely original! Genius!
XD The whole time I was rotting for Gengar. You don't need rute strength to win a match, and you showed that very well here!

Heh, I thought Brock's daydream was really funny. I enjoyed reading it, but some part of me thought it was a bit sexist. o.O Then I shoved the thought away and my grin widened as all the girls rushed to meet Brock as he emerged from the pool.


Again, very well done!

*yet again, Psychic manages to stay out of any feud taking place within the thread...*


~Psychic

pinetree
28th June 2005, 10:44 PM
Oh yeah, you did it again. Another great battle. I would not have expected any less, though. Your battles keep getting longer! I can understand why you liked the hitmon battle more, even though I feel this is the ebst thus far.


The keyword in every argument or debate such as that about Gengar’s chances of survival is the word “if”. “If” Gengar got hit; if Gengar was going to get up from a devastating attack like that; “if” indeed indicated nothing more than a dangerous jumping to conclusions, an indication of pride, the precursor of downfall. Take the following scenario: what if Gengar simply was not there?

Ah, a great moment there. very smart of you. You not only reminded us that is a narrative, but you also led us into your explanation of Gengar's escape. Nice.


The ballroom, large and cavernous as it was, looked like a mere splash of some careless artist’s paints, as if some abstract art were being viewed through a puddle of water, swirling around even as it was being compressed into a kaleidoscopic nucleus of colours.

If this is not imaginative flair I do not know what it is.


It could only stare at the nonentity within the jaws of its nemesis, enervated by the inexorable geography of doom superimposed over its will, even as oblivion came down, down and down some more

Wow, another great line.


Fortunately for it, there was nothing left for it to swallow. Fortunately for it, Gengar’s sneer/grin had all but been obliterated by its immense effort and concentration. Unfortunately for Tyranitar, a moment of lightheaded feeling had escalated and acerbated into a full-blown case of vertigo as it realized that it was currently levitating at least a metre and a half above the stage surface. Even more unfortunately, Gengar’s sneer/grin had been replaced at least temporarily with a refulgent white glow, which seemed to glower even more malevolently with each passing moment. Most unfortunately, Gengar opened its mouth to release a full-blooded hyperbeam on the levitating Tyranitar, sending it airborne as if fired off from a humungous catapult, before hitting the deck with a smash.

I love the delivery here. Fortunately, unfortunately, more unfortunately, most unfortunately. very good!


Some things in life, when unsullied by the loquacious tumult of the voice, resonated that much louder in the quiescent logistics of the mind.

Poetic and philosophical. Only you can do that. If the words were smaller I bet a quotable quote site would use it.

The part about tyranitar nearly swallowing its hyperbeam was great asw ell. Serious enough to keep the flow, but still enough to entice a chuckle or two.

Oh, Max got it bad! That was pretty fricken funny!!!

Dude, you gotta stay. Simple as that. I have not rated yet, but I know what I am gonna give.

Sike Saner
29th June 2005, 12:12 AM
Gengar merely grinned evilly and noiselessly beckoned its opponent towards it, much like a school nerd who had taken too much and would take no more, even if it meant going down in a blaze of gory glory, in terms of physical size and strength.

I just found that to be very satisfying.


The boiling aggression so evident in those eyes seemed to cease to boil and merely simmered instead, as though someone had put out the furnace that stoked Tyranitar's fire and ire.

"Fire and ire"...Delicious wordplay. Lyrical in that way for which I am the world's biggest sucker.


The keyword in every argument or debate such as that about Gengar's chances of survival is the word "if". If Gengar was hit; if Gengar was going to get up from a devastating attack like that; "if" indeed indicated nothing more than a dangerous jumping to conclusions, an indication of pride, the precursor of downfall. Take the following scenario: what if Gengar simply was not there?

This suggests the presence of excellent public speaking skills...

The Dream Eater sequence wins the prize for the best description of an attack ever, and I imagine nothing may ever take that honor away from it.

Use of Skill Swap = BLOODY BRILLIANT.


A split second later, Gengar had bowed to the audience in appreciation of their attendance.

Just one of those nice little touches, remarkably effective in illustrating Gengar's personality.

"Nerd-in-the-herd" - I like that.


He glanced irritably at Max, who was starting to look like a big green grasshopper to him.

What could POSSIBLY be worse than a big green grasshopper??

In true anime style, our hero took another peek at Max, who had started buzzing loudly at him and had suddenly developed huge circular complex eyes and wings, and yet still managed to keep those huge black glasses on.

What could POSSIBLY be worse than a big green grasshopper??

A big green grasshopper with Glasses on... ...

I will never be able to see Max the same way again!


It was called the is-my-mallet-harder-or-is-your-head-harder game. The mallet always won.


The figure stepped in far enough for the lighting to reveal his features, which included but were not limited to a chiseled body, a great tan, a cool spiky hairstyle and a face which was rumoured to set sail a thousand ships. The direction in which said ships would be sailing is unconfirmed at press time.

Those just made me laugh. A lot.

The battle between Tyranitar and Gengar was even better than the Hitmonlee vs. Hitmonchan match (bonus points for having Gengar win!), and that little glimpse into Brock's mind was very amusing...But dang, Max should have left him alone - I would have liked to see Brock get the Mach Punch treatment!

absolution
29th June 2005, 7:56 AM
Very good chapter!

Every single soul has commented on the description within the battle, and I add myself to that list. That was just breeeeellliiant!

I loved the narration as well. Always cocky and witty, yet never detracting from the flow. talented writing right there.

If what you have shown us is not enough, you even switch POVs. Shows a lot of versatility. I wonder if flair writing is a given for you? I certainly have not seen anything simple and sweet, only uniquely wondrous from you. Even so, there seems to be a glue that binds everything together, something which takes every element that you imbue into your writing and holds the whole fic together. I love to see that.

The humour in this one was very classy. Brock's ships and Max's gag were absolute class, as were several other scenes. Tyranitar nearly swallowing its hyperbeam had me nearly swallowing my tongue asw ell. ROFL!

Continue ot think out of the box, and never get detracted by sniping. You're better than that, and I give you full credit for being better than I can ever expect myself to be.

Sequoia
29th June 2005, 1:21 PM
hmm...good chapter, especially the battle...again XD what i don't get is...Combusken can learn Mach Punch? good length, spelling and grammar were okay, description BRILLIANT, battle excellent...basically nothing to improve, and i hope you decide to continue the fic here...

mindripper
29th June 2005, 1:50 PM
Well, Combusken cant learn it. However, I tried to be as realistic as possible over pokemon moves, and I do allow pokemon to do moves which they cant do in the games at times. It is my interpretation, and I do not want to say if it is right of wrong.

Felix Feral Fezirix
29th June 2005, 2:03 PM
The Gengar VS Tyrannitar match was too predictable, since you are foreshadowing future events, of course you have to show some miraculous wins to turn the heat up. The way you presented the handicap was good and the game was funny: Is my mallet harder or is your head harder? LOLz the mallet will win or Ash must have a stone haed(which he does not). And it seems that Max has mazt0red ze arte of yer pullin'. Brock is having a nightmare.
Speaking of nightmare, I thought you were describing Nightmare rather than Dream Eater but I was wrong. Hahaz. You had better stay or you are wasting your time and your talent! Write more! This fic could go to the PokeOscars.

absolution
29th June 2005, 2:13 PM
Well, I thought skill swap was a pretty damn miraculous way to turn a match around. Unless you can think of ways to get it done ebtter? As for predictability, I thought Gengar was finished at a couple of points in that battle. Why is it predictable? You could tell that gengar was gonna win in that manner? If your validation is that you predicted that Gengar would win and was proved correct, then every single Ash battle would be predictable, cos in tourney fics he always hasta win. LOL.

Those two matches we just saw did foreshadow something that prob will happen in the future, but what it did best was to hint at the quality of competition, and that while Ash has progressed, the rest of the pokemon world has not been sleeping either. Also, to say that any foreshadowing event is predictable is wrong, because no one knows what it is foreshadowing! Unless you already know the phenomenon that is being foreshadowed, I do not understand how that can be predictable. That battle was one of the damn best I seen in my life.

Well, why was the description in italics obviously of dream eater? There was the foreshadowing of Tyranitar "fast asleep and dreaming away". Also, what clinched it was the fact that Gengar sorta ate Tyranitar in the sequence.

Pokeoscars? Judging from this, and that the writer shows a bucketload of flair, the perennial favourites should sit up and take notice.

Mysteria Pearl
29th June 2005, 7:12 PM
Very nice. A tin bit short of human interaction but all the battling was done very nicely. I liked the part where Ash volenteered Misty to swim adn you wrote all those funny things! It was great! Keep up the good work and tell me when chapter 7 is coming up!

_____________
Chapter 7 is up of The Cape Of the Ninetails!
___________________

Poison Master
29th June 2005, 8:37 PM
Just read the 6th and what could be, my most favourite chapter of them all. It had to be one of the most descripted and realistic (realistic as I could easily imagine the two pokemon battling) battle in this fic.

There was also many hilarious bits, mainly whenever Max and Brock appeared made me laugh haha.

Combusken learning Mach Punch? Superb! I love it when people give pokemon moves they think that the pokemon should be able to learn.

I also loved the description of things, such as the Tyranitar dream sequence

I aint going to go deeper into anything, like correcting mistakes and stuff, because I don't do that, to me, I feel as though if the person is enjoying himself writing, why stop him? For you see, writing a fic....is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman!

I hope you continue this fic and post more and more instead of leaving us in suspense *shakes your hand* you deserved that matey

anti legendary
29th June 2005, 8:52 PM
very very very good fic. the humor is unconventional and extremely clever. the brock scene, the cacti, and the thing bout the hat were particularly brilliant. detail and description are both flawless. characters always act within normal range for them. i like it how you included the whole group. IMO, excellent work. battle scenes are very good. keep it up

SnoringFrog
29th June 2005, 9:31 PM
Like everyone else has said. This has to be the best battle in any fic I have read. I thought my fic was good until I read this, now I don't like mine as much. I really hope you continue posting this because it is a great balance of awesome battles and humor.

Encyclopika
29th June 2005, 10:43 PM
Hello...Encyclopika here to hold up my end on the deal you requested in the PM. I have to say that I was never one for "battle and tournament" fics, but this one is so an exception. As said numerous times before in earlier reviews...if this is your first fic I can't wait to see what other fics by you will be in the future. You seem to have everything nicely planned and an air of intelligence...like a story for an older audience if you will. I'm amazed with the vocabulary you use...completely kills whatever I thought was good in my fics. XD Anyway, the only thing I could possibly complain on is that sometimes I think I see a little bit of characters going out of character...for a fic that is so closely knitted to the storyline in the show that is. Anyway, I know you'll continue with this fic...battle scenes are just fricken amazing. ^^ Keep it up and when a new chappie comes up, don't hesitate to PM me if you get the time. ^^

Your Fanfic buddy,
Encyclopika ;025;

mindripper
29th June 2005, 10:55 PM
I would like to thank all who have reviewed this chapter, as well as all who have PMed me asking me to stay around. Any success I have is due to all reviewers. Thanks.




Anyway, the only thing I could possibly complain on is that sometimes I think I see a little bit of characters going out of character

Yeah I can see that at times, like when Ash gets philosophical and reflects on his past failures and so on. I just felt that I had to extrapolate. I couldn't just take the anime's formula and impose everything onto the fic. I tried to reason, and to portray Ash and co as real people, whose reactions are determined by reality first and foremost, and by their anime characteristics secondly. That is my reasoning. It could go either way, but thanks anyway!

Quackerdrill
29th June 2005, 11:02 PM
Well, I really like this; it's well done and has about as much personal attitude to sink the S.S. Anne! I really enjoy the constant self-refrencing, that's something I think other authors should use for comedy relief. Now, I usually have a problem with fics starring the main anime characters, but it works well here. Great Job! (Bleh, I can't review for beans... Green? Refried? XD)

Meta Kyogre
29th June 2005, 11:15 PM
I really liked this chapter, very entertaining I liked Ash's pov about Max and I thought the battle at the start was very well written, you seem to be a very talented writer so make sure that you do not stop this fic, any idea when the next chapter will be up? Well done and keep up the good work

Aurora
30th June 2005, 3:57 AM
These are my thoughts on your story up to the end of Chapter 2. I haven’t had a chance to read the rest of it, yet. I will edit this post once I have read the other chapters.

Description: Very nicely done, but it was a little distracting at times, especially in the middle of the battle.

Example:
At those words, a seemingly shapeless lump of blue gelatin like substance stepped out of the shadows of its counterpart, a gecko-like Pokemon with a long tail with leafy like appendages, stout legs, accompanied ably by a piercing glare, and seemed to be immediately enveloped by a silvery hue, awaiting the attack of our dear Ash’s Pikachu, whose own tail had hardened into what seemed like a metallic limb, instead of the nice cuddly tail we used to associate it with.

Style: Your style of writing is interesting. It really seemed like I was watching an episode of Pokemon with the comments about “our heroes.” I expected the fic to be humorous and not very serious at all because of the style, but I was wrong. Ash’s reflections on his past were unexpected, but I enjoyed it. Ash has definitely had his doubts throughout the series, and I liked the way you had them voice them. You mixed the humor and the serious bits of your fic nicely.

Characters: I think you kept Pikachu and Brock in character. Ash seemed slightly different than what I am used to, but the small changes in his personality seem to be a result of experience and getting older. (I haven’t seen enough of the Hoenn episodes to tell if May and Max were in character. They did seem like typical siblings, though.)

Plot: Since the fic is just beginning, the plot seems fairly simple: Ash is trying to be a Pokemon master, but already there are hints that it is going to be more than that. Ash is doubting himself, and he doesn’t want a repeat of his other tournament losses. There are also some hints that he might be maturing (well, a little bit anyway :)).

Grammar and Spelling: I didn’t spot any spelling mistakes, and your grammar seems fine, although I noticed one thing: you didn’t capitalize Pokemon or Pokegear in your story. “Pokemon” and “Pokegear” are proper nouns, so they should be capitalized.

Also, you used more than one exclamation mark or question mark at several places. This can be distracting. Normally one exclamation point or question mark is enough, and two should probably be the most used for emphasis. Also, in a serious publication they would be extremely unlikely to use the title “Why Do Pokemon Obey Humans???” with three question marks.

One last note: please don’t wait for a certain number of reviews before writing more. Reviews are nice, but the amount of reviews really won’t tell you much. You will get a lot of “closet readers,” who will read your fic, but not review. Even extremely popular writers (like Dragonfree) have a lot more closet readers than people who review. Keep writing even if you aren’t getting many reviews. The main way to improve your writing is to write, so stopping if you aren’t getting reviews won’t help much.

Good luck with future chapters.

absolution
30th June 2005, 9:12 AM
Your style of writing is interesting. It really seemed like I was watching an episode of Pokemon with the comments about “our heroes.” I expected the fic to be humorous and not very serious at all because of the style, but I was wrong. Ash’s reflections on his past were unexpected, but I enjoyed it. Ash has definitely had his doubts throughout the series, and I liked the way you had them voice them. You mixed the humor and the serious bits of your fic nicely.

I agree man. I thought it was gonna be humourous as well. Until I read more. The humour is always good, but the other aspects of the fic just blew me away. Read the other 4 chapters!


“Pokemon” and “Pokegear” are proper nouns, so they should be capitalized

Erm, I dont think so. they are nouns, but not proper nouns. "pokemon" is just a substitution for "animal", but with the powers, and "pokegear" is just like telephone. Neither needs to be capitalised.


Also, you used more than one exclamation mark or question mark at several places. This can be distracting. Normally one exclamation point or question mark is enough, and two should probably be the most used for emphasis. Also, in a serious publication they would be extremely unlikely to use the title “Why Do Pokemon Obey Humans???” with three question marks.

yeah, it happens. Pet habit, I suppose, as well as emphasis. Lol, I do that at times too!

Nashua
30th June 2005, 7:35 PM
Nice job with the changes in viewpoints in the chapter. That dream scene with Brock and the women, the interruption of it is pretty comical. I also liked the dream eating scene with Tyranitar and Gengar, it's aptly described. Keep writing!!

Olyon
30th June 2005, 9:28 PM
I am finally reviewing!! Well to be honest I have noy idea WHY you want ME to review, your writing is flawless. Its full of description, hooks the reader, man it has everything! There is not one thing I can say that can help you, just keep going cos this writing is one of the best I've seen!:D

Elemental Charizam
30th June 2005, 9:54 PM
Hey Mindripper, I'm reviewing this Chapter again as my first long one was deleted.

The battle was less original this time, though it was still fairly good. There were a couple of run-on sentences (I listed them before ><) and such, but it flowed well enough. I liked the way Skill-Swap was portrayed, it's often shown in a rather confusing way. Overall, not an exceptional Chapter, but it'll do. Hope you don't chicken out and stop posting here; its among the top twenty or so fics here.

Psycho K
1st July 2005, 4:21 AM
My, my, my. Awfully impressive work you have here. Very impressive indeed.

Most of what I was going to say was mentioned by everyone else. I'll tell you something that really appeals to me. The narration. Not only is it descriptive, it has sarcastic humor. And I'm a very sarcastic guy.

I see that you adapted some attacks onto pokemon that they normally do not learn. That is alright as long as you are reasonable with it. Blakizen having Mach Punch? Well, I know Hitmonchan, Breloom and Hitmontop learn it yet there a reason for that. Being smaller, they are sorta lighter in weight and are nimble enough for Mach Punch. Blaziken's sorta big.

On the other hand, you can argue that Blaziken's tremendous leg strength makes it fast enough to pull one off effectively. Still, with blazing wrists, a Fire Punch would seem more natural.

Another instance is Pidgeot with Drill Peck. In the anime, it's been characterized as a strong circular vibration of the beak which surprisingly tears through a lot. The longer the pokemon's beak, the stronger this attack would be I'd assume. Not to mention real Drill Pecks (namely the pokemon actually spinning its entire body while in flight for extreme centrifugal force) are more appealing.

So as for power ranking for Drill Peck:

1) Fearow (It's the Beak Pokemon for crying out loud!)
2) Zapdos
3) Skarmory

All three have rather long beaks. Pidgeot doesn;t quite have that long of a beak. Sure, it can fly insanely fast (In the anime. Game-wise, I believe Fearow actually has a better Speed base stat) and therefore it can make a wickely fast spin, but it's beak has little potential IMO.

You may notice the rivalry between the Pidgey evolution line and the Spearow evolution line. Pidgey are somewhat docile and as they evolve they learnt o master techinices that involve manipulating wind and what not (Featherdance, Gust, Razor Wind). Spearows are awfully territorial and so they get all up in your face with Fury Attack, Aerial Ace and Drill Peck.

Lemme end this seemignly pointless tangent on a minor detail. Quick Attack and Aerial Ace seem far better for Pidgeot to use. If you wanna get more up close and personal, try Wing Attack (recall when Ash's Pidgetto smacked Staryu/Stamie away with that?). Just remember to be carefulw ith attack adaptations.

Final note. As far as capitalization of Pokemon goes, it...is conditional. You are going to say it alot and so having it capitalized all the time can appear awfully disruptive for some. I don't see anything wrong with having it small unless you had mentioned and offical title like:

"And so, the very disgruntled Tyranitar shot a menacing glare at the grinning Shadow Pokemon."

That mentioned it's species. So yes you should capitilize. But it something like this:

"It was awfully hard to hit being a ghost pokemon."

"Ghost Pokemon" doesn't really seem necessary to me. Proper noun? I guess, but it's not too important. Like I said, conditional.

Keep up the fantastic job.

mindripper
1st July 2005, 7:09 AM
On the other hand, you can argue that Blaziken's tremendous leg strength makes it fast enough to pull one off effectively. Still, with blazing wrists, a Fire Punch would seem more natural.

I thought long and hard. I felt that Blaziken should be able to do both. Why not>?


Another instance is Pidgeot with Drill Peck. In the anime, it's been characterized as a strong circular vibration of the beak which surprisingly tears through a lot. The longer the pokemon's beak, the stronger this attack would be I'd assume. Not to mention real Drill Pecks (namely the pokemon actually spinning its entire body while in flight for extreme centrifugal force) are more appealing.

Actually, a drill does not work using centrifugal force. It works by exerting concentrated amounts of force on a small surface area. Logically speaking, a "drill peck" would not work in real life, due to the fact that the point of contact is constant throughout the motion. Also, talking in terms of physics, a shorter beak would do it better than a longer one, purely because a beak is made of keratin, and a longer and thinner beak makes for a brittle beak as well. However, this is not real life, and sules of physics do not apply as per normal here. I felt that if one bird could do drill peck, most birds should be able to as well.

absolution
1st July 2005, 7:25 AM
^Wa, physics! What MR did not mention I will attempt to fill in. If a drill does not shift its point of contact during the process, it becomes an attritional process instead on a penetration process. Drill peck will never work in real life!

I am always glad to see this fic do well, so it gladdens me to see more reviewers.

The only thing wrong with chapter 6 is a little lack of human interaction. I do understand that there was a maximum length that you were working on, so that is cool.


The battle was less original this time, though it was still fairly good. There were a couple of run-on sentences (I listed them before ><) and such, but it flowed well enough. I liked the way Skill-Swap was portrayed, it's often shown in a rather confusing way. Overall, not an exceptional Chapter, but it'll do.

EC, could you list some ways in which you would have done it better? I am sure that is the way the author would like it as well. Long sentences are perfectly fine. How would you have made the battle more original? Damn, I have not seen a single better battle on this whole site as yet! The dual usage of abilities, the telortation out of the ice block and the skill swap were all brilliant strats, and I have never seen them used in such a manner before. The portrayal of skill swap was great, as I said in my first post. There was humour in there, as well as a refreshing view on the attack's effects.
What was wrong with the chappie in general? Please let us know!

rokman
1st July 2005, 8:47 AM
Every battle is quite amazing...the little quirks and points keep it light and loose. My favorite thing so far is the dream eater attack on ttar from gengar....i like it so much because the gengar line are my favorite pokemon.....

The one and only thing i would suggest changing is dropping more twists in it...leaving bigger cliffhangers...give more indepth charachter thought...like throw choices at them that can inturn flip a certain plot...i dunno, im not the master of fics XD

all toegther youve got a great fic going here...i suggest you keep milking the cow you got going...great job!

<>< rokman

lewdon12no2
1st July 2005, 9:15 AM
That was good, another tournament is coming, very exciting, i can't wait until the next episode.
Rating: 4/5 (Spellings a bit off but PMP(Practice makes perfect))

mindripper
1st July 2005, 9:20 AM
Spellings a bit off

Which instances? Could you tell me? I have read through several times and I cannot find any spelling mistakes.

sk0rp10n
1st July 2005, 10:42 AM
I looked around, not too thoroughly, but so far the only ones I see are the ones which you explained away. MW corrects to American english, while you use Brit english. I could have missed some, I will admit that much.

Anywayz, dont think too much about those who say that the battle was predictable, cos while I am sure most people rooted and perhaps expected gengar to win, it sure as hell was not predictable in terms of how it played out. Very nice work. I found it better than the hitmons battle, as I simply love the raw power on display, instead of the former battle's subtle skill.

Never let negativity get to you! In terms of pure writing skill, you're easily one of the best, if not the best around. your fic is great as it is, and can only get bettr. You have one stack of reviews, even though you only posted less than two weeks ago. things are going smoothly for you! Take heart from that, and give us some more of that fic!

Elemental Charizam
1st July 2005, 1:17 PM
EC, could you list some ways in which you would have done it better? I am sure that is the way the author would like it as well. Long sentences are perfectly fine. How would you have made the battle more original? Damn, I have not seen a single better battle on this whole site as yet! The dual usage of abilities, the telortation out of the ice block and the skill swap were all brilliant strats, and I have never seen them used in such a manner before. The portrayal of skill swap was great, as I said in my first post. There was humour in there, as well as a refreshing view on the attack's effects.
What was wrong with the chappie in general? Please let us know!
If I could do it better, would I not be a better author than Midripper? I never made such a claim. However, possibly because I've looked at more fics here, I've seen many better battles. Dragonfree's indipendent battle tournament, Olyon's Solrock/Crobat batte, Angelus's Elite 4 battle thingy ect...

I was talking original in the very idea of the battle, as the last was far less used than this kind of battle. Also, the flow on a sentence this long is horrible:


Tyranitar’s eyes blazed with glee as it cocked its right fist back, drawing upon its immense reserves of strength and picking a spot on the icy statue in front of it, began the run which would give it added momentum as and when it struck the punch, channeling all the strength it could from the reservoir that its body served as and braced for the impact, which did eventually come, shattering the ice into innumerable fragments, which fell back to the ground like snowflakes during Christmas.

On another note, I might not be reviewing this next time, I don't have much time at the moment and this fic has so many reviewers it won't matter. It doesn't sound like my advice is being helpful anyhoo, every time I say even a mild critisism I have to re-post explaining it in detail, and even then it's ignored. I don't have that kind of time to waste.

mindripper
1st July 2005, 4:48 PM
EC, every reviewer is important. If not, why would every author want more reviewers, no matter how many he/she already has? I may not always show it, but your input is noted. I do agree with you on that sentence. Was not one of my better ones. I changed it a little, and will prob find some way to edit even better when I have more time. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

Ah, give my battle a chance! It is merely a showpiece battle in essence, and is only in the sixth chapter! A single battle cannot compare against dragonfree's enitre tournament! Give Ash's tournament battles a chance! Also, this fic was written to kinda test the waters. If I ever do a second fic, it will be original (I already have the skeletal plot done), very long, and have a completely different style to this. Everyones input will help me, even though you think yours is being ignored. I have every faith in myself, and every faith that my climatic battles will equal, if not surpass those that you mentioned, a hard task to do! Look out for them.

hibiscus
1st July 2005, 5:33 PM
Goodness, I like this fic! Very adult style of writingm which I appreciate, even though I am not an adult. Never mind.

Fics about anime characters are rarely done well, and this is a shining example of how they can be done well. Mindripper, you did a better job than the anime writers at getting your characters across to us. I felt that each of them was very human, and I could relate to their actions.

Oh, the humour was great. The May "drum" moment was a classic, better than the monkey one! Also, Ash's protecting of his cap was hilarious! Max's gag was great as well. Something good in every chappie.

Description is immaculate, and I see nothing wrong with that. You are truly the best descriptive author right now, among those with active fics, all of which i at least skimmed through.

About the battles, they were A+! Two thumbs up! I loved the way the battles were portrayed, and the descriptions and intensity of some of thebattles was breathtaking. The last battle was the best, and as an individual battle is certainly the best I have seen on ff and serebii thus far (from my skimming). Dragonfree's tourney has an epic feel to it at times, but just falls short to this one's description and raw power. not to mention strategy as well! The only thing stopping the battles from sweeping battle awards is the fact that they (hitmon and gengar battle) were showpiece battles in essence, as stated by Mindripper. They may have foreshadowed, and hinted at some stuff, but they were showpiece after all. If Ash had been involved, your battles deserve an award, seriously. I look forward to seeing more of Ash's battles, to see what kinda pokemon he meets, and the trials and tribulations that he goes through.

Flow is brilliant, especially with a style that takes chances on long sentences. The abovementioned sentence wasnt the best, but it was still better than what some authors have to offer, and there were some brilliant ones as well, all improvised, I guess.

Mindripper, do consider being a professional author. Your work already suggests that you have the innate ability. I cant write like this, but I can show some support! "Jumps up and down, waving banner". Go forth and make this a classic!

Wes
1st July 2005, 5:46 PM
Well like other people said, your fic rocks! Thats a good thing! ^_^. I hope you could stay because many people believe you do very well in this fic. Just keep going and trying and consider staying here.

NightMisdreavus
1st July 2005, 6:53 PM
Firstly, I loved how the battles are described, you add a lot detial on the attacks, making them work in the story, which I like.

Secondly, the sarcastic humor feel of this, I love how the narriter describes Ash's fall from grace in the first chapater. It's almost like if the show had an narrotor he would be like this.

Thridly, You have the characters personallties spot on, from Max's know-it all to May's seemliy naiveness.

The only sussgetion I can really say is: Even though it's no where near this point; Try not to drag it down with too much detial. Detial can be a good thing, but sometimes it can stop the flow of a story.

Another Fan
1st July 2005, 9:00 PM
I read it. I liked the humour a lot. I didn't notice anything wrong so I can't help you there. You really are a good writer. It seems like either you are very, very clever or you had a lot of practice writing. It is very good. The description were very nice and the battle sequences were nicely writen. I wish I could say more but I can't.

pinetree
2nd July 2005, 10:15 AM
A single battle cannot compare against dragonfree's enitre tournament! Give Ash's tournament battles a chance!

I say yay to that. Your battles have always been brilliantly described, with clever twists and usage of strategy. The action always flows, like it is a ballet choreography rather than a ruthless battle. For singular battles, your chapter 6 battle is better than anything around here, IMO. If Ash were in them, they would be in the running for awards. I expect your tournament battles involving Ash to be even better, no matter how scary the notion of even better battles is, and I say you deserve whatever accolades awarded.


If I ever do a second fic, it will be original (I already have the skeletal plot done), very long, and have a completely different style to this.

Great bit of foreshadowing there. I wanna see a second fic as well! Not on ff.net, but here!

lewdon12no2
2nd July 2005, 12:24 PM
Ok here we go this is what you wrote:
use your tail as a spring, jump and judge, then slam into Sceptile with iron tail!!”

How about:
use your tail as a spring, jump and Dodge, then slam into Sceptile with iron tail!!"

Knightblazer
3rd July 2005, 2:33 AM
Hi Mindripper.

Sorry I couln't review your fic. School's just reopened at where I live... so I'm kinda busy and my mom only let me use the computer on weekends...

Up tilll now... your's fics still great! I espically love the scartic humor in the story, cos' I am a really bad joker :P Anyways , I eagerly lookm forward to your next chapter.

Twilight Absol
3rd July 2005, 8:57 AM
Though I have only read the first 2 chapters, I can inform you that you have a great voice in writing. Personally, I dislike Ash and Co. fics due to their lack in originality, but you have taken a somewhat dull topic for me and turned it into a humorous piece of writing with your voice. I do not see many mistakes, and the sarcastic tone is a much appreciated bonus. Great work on your fic so far, and keep it flowing.

pinetree
4th July 2005, 4:09 AM
It could only stare at the nonentity within the jaws of its nemesis, enervated by the inexorable geography of doom superimposed over its will, even as oblivion came down, down and down some more… ...

Was re-reading the chapter. I just kept finding new things that I liked. The above line is brilliantly worded and composed. None of the words are really big, as in thesaurus-only kinda big, but you somehow tie them all up and make the end result that much more profound. I guess that every writer knows deep inside his/her heart that doing so is one of the greatest talents a writer can have.


Some things in life, when unsullied by the loquacious tumult of the voice, resonated that much louder in the quiescent logistics of the mind.

Somehow, this line is much more powerful than "you say it best, when you say nothing at all", which is approx the meaning it is trying to convey, right? Perfect use of vocab right there. Quotable quote worthy.

I have read every one of your chapters multiple times, and tried to take them apart as far as they would go. I want to borrow a little of your grace and style, and hope that a little will rub off on me. I hope you will post the next chap soon!

FloatingFlames
4th July 2005, 9:57 AM
Now for an early morning (or late night, whichever you see it as...) review...

Well, before I begin, I have to say I've always ignored fics that involve canon characters, especially Ash and co. However, I guess you could say this fic opened my eyes, and I think I'll see these types of fics in a new light. Also, I haven't read chapter six, I'm getting a bit tired and decided to go straight to the review after reading that awesome battle between Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee.

First of all, the description was perfect, just flawless. The most anyone could say is that it's over-the-top, but I don't see it that way. I'd rather have more than enough detail than not enough. The amount of description in this fic was much more than what you'd see in a typical fic, but it doesn't slow the fic down, which is good. I suppose it's your interesting style of narrative that has that effect.

Nice interesting bits of foreshadowing you've thrown in there. There are many funny parts tossed in here too, which is great. I loved how Ash compared the Hitmonchan's head with a box of fries. Also, the Hitmonchan/Hitmonlee battle was amazing, I can see you put a lot of effort into it. Keep it up.

I only have a couple of complaints. First of all, and I think Psychic mentioned this earlier, is that you use too many question marks and exclamation marks; I've seen you use two or three of them at a single time. Any more than one is unnecessary. Also, and this is probably a personal gripe, but I noticed you often go and put humorous remarks and such parentheses. I realize this is necessary at times, like during dialogue, but I think it hinders the flow slightly. Not a mistake, but just something that bothers me.

Overall, this is looking to be an amazing fic, and I'm not usually fond of these types of fics. Great job.

loosemoose
4th July 2005, 4:29 PM
Ok. I am here to take a look at chapter 6! People have said it, and people will say it again. That was yet another great effort from you. It may sound superfluous when I praise a work that has received almost nothing but praise, but rest assured that I mean it with any sincerity I can muster.

The battle was another masterclass, regardless of whether Ash is involved or not. No one else writes battles like tat anymore. You are already quickly establishing a name as one of the best, if not the best, descriptive writer here. As an individual battle, the spectacle you painted in chapter 6 was stunning. In all truthfulness, it gets the better of most, if not all the battles I have seen, and that is being diplomatic. The only thing I can take away from it is Ash's lack of involvement, but I liked the battle even more for that fact.

As always, you see things in a very innovative way, and it shows! The dream eater sequence was aptly depicted, and has a classic horror feel to it. The implementation of strategy is tacitically astute as always. No one writes battles like that. For many, battles are turn based, but the way you write them is so graceful, and so realistic, that I am forced to believe that the anime would be that much better if more battles were like this. The skill swap sequence was very astute. there was subtle humour in there, while an unorthodox description was used to descibe the effects. Effective as always. I love the way you use every weapon in a writer's arsenal to the best possible effect.

The Big Al
4th July 2005, 5:08 PM
I'm not much for cannon fics but this appears to be well written. Keep up the goo work.

mindripper
4th July 2005, 8:08 PM
Right, thanks to all who have reviewed chapter 6. Chapter 7 will be up in a couple of days. I figure that as long as there are people who believe in me, the show must go on. This author is not going anywhere for the moment. Here is a taste of chapter 7. Excerpts are in order of appearance, but are edited.

Chap 7 excerpts:

“I have an idea. I overheard several trainers on board talking about a certain room on this ship, which trainers can use to have friendly matches. I can’t be sure it will do you any good, but it might at least ease your fears, and possibly boost your morale.”

--

What can be questioned, however, is his somewhat rudimentary knowledge of Pokemon’s full array of attacks at times.

--

“Hey, if you want to recognize someone, make sure I am on that list. In fact, think you had better print out my picture as well, in case, y’know… ...”

--

"Or even if what you’re doing now isn’t criminal, what I am going to do to you most certainly will be!”

--

It had vague feline resemblances, with matted yellow fur... ... and our hero recognized the Pokemon immediately from that tell-tale sign itself... ...

--

Even as ?? was hit by the attack, with an accompanying violet aureole, ?? seemed to be lighted up by some similarly plumed lambent flame.

--

“Ash, look out!! There is something fishy happening… Do not fall for it!”

--

That is it. Several disjointed lines from chapter 7. I will leave people to make their own guesses.

PS: Anyone who feels like it can drop me a PM or post here to request for pokemon appearances. Many of the big big battles have not been written yet, and whatever you have seenw as written about a year ago. Anyone who wants to see a particular pokemon in action can post here or PM me. I will try to squeeze it in.

Korimura
4th July 2005, 8:46 PM
lets me see, good description, although I don't really like the narration parts. But I guess that's okay.

The Burnt Shadow
4th July 2005, 9:01 PM
That was pretty intresting. I'm looking forward for your next chap.

[Red]
5th July 2005, 1:52 AM
Woah. When I started reading, I hadn't anticipated it to be this good in the end...

It really is a great fic, I love how you describe things...The battle sequences are all great.

Keep it up.

[Red]

absolution
5th July 2005, 8:59 AM
I found the excerpts very interesting! I am thinking that Ash is going to find himself in a battle in chapter 7. If we have your previous battles to go by, it is going to be great. I am so looking forward to it. When is the chapter coming out?

Oh, going from my name, I guess I would love to see Absol in there somewhere. It is a tad overused in fics, IMO, but if anyone can pull it off, it is you.

hibiscus
5th July 2005, 12:19 PM
I am hoping to see new pokemon! ALso, perhaps the gardevoir series? I always found them cool.

Oooh, Ash involved in a battle? I would love to see it happen!

Evanarios
5th July 2005, 6:15 PM
Great Fan-Fiction, I was only able to read one chapter (My head hurts today lol), but that chapter was great. Great detail, length was good, plot, ect. I loved it, and I will continue reading this.

Good ay!

~Evanarios

sk0rp10n
5th July 2005, 8:49 PM
Ahh. Interesteing. Yeah, I think that Ash is gonna get some action in this chappie.

I would love to see Charizard in action man.. Ash's coolest pokemon by far. Grovyle is great too! Hopefully we see a charizard/blaziken re-enactment.

Rockin83
5th July 2005, 10:16 PM
That was great!

a trainer with lank, long blond hair styled in some rock star wannabe fashion yelled at the top of his lungs.


hehe i liked the way you said wannabe!

and:
“May, Ash is being a bully again; he’s always picking on me cos I’m a little kid.”

“Picking on you?? When I’m done with you you’re gonna need a lot of help picking what’s left of your measly scrawny little body off the ground!!” Our hero, purple with rage, retorted with a glare to boot.

So much for being the suave hero.

“May, Ash is doing that glare thingy on me again!! I think he’s trying to paralyze me.”

The tanned teenager, who was thus abovementioned, intervened quickly before things got ugly.

“Come on guys, to each his own huh… Let’s not argue over such trivial matters and move on ok… Handshake??”

Max got his licks in first.

“Handshake?? Not unless Mr. Plum Face over there says sorry for having the premeditated intention of assault and battery on a defenseless eight year old kid first!!”

“The only thing I’m going to shake is that little geek’s head!!” So went Mr. Plum Face (aka our hero Ash)…

“If you, Max, and you, Ash, do not break it off, there is not going to be any lunch for both of you today!!” Brock, the tanned teenager, threatened, exasperated by his squabbling friends.

“OK!! SORRY!!” Both Max and Ash yelled at the same time, horrified that Brock would threaten them with such a debilitating circumstance—after all, how could they possibly survive with no lunch??

the very last bit was funny!

mindripper
5th July 2005, 10:38 PM
Great Fan-Fiction, I was only able to read one chapter (My head hurts today lol), but that chapter was great. Great detail, length was good, plot, ect. I loved it, and I will continue reading this.

I hope that you could continue to read. My first two-three chapters are only intro. Thanks for reviewing anyways. :)

To all those who are wondering, chapter 7 is due out tomorrow or the day after. Hope that it is worth the wait.

I will try to entertain all requests, both posted or PMed. I cant do them all, though. I will try, and try my best to make everyone happy.

To rockin83:

You only read the first chappie right? Do read on!

T all those who reviewed, I will review your fics in return. No worries.

Sequoia
6th July 2005, 1:12 PM
^^; glad to hear you're continuing the fic...can i request Spoink to be in the fic, in a battle...? it's rather...underused

sk0rp10n
6th July 2005, 2:39 PM
I think that Smeargle is another one you could look at. Your unorthodox style seems perfect for fleshing it out, not to mention the fact that you are a damn good descriptive writer; your usage of big words and especially the way you mesh smaller words to give a profound effect shows that quality in buckets. your battles have been out of the box thus far, and I am sure that a writer who likes strategic battles like you can really bring Smeargle to life. Hope to see it in your fic!

mindripper
6th July 2005, 8:25 PM
Alright. Here is chapter 7. It is slightly longer, and it has a battle in it. I liked this one lots as well, even though it was nowhere as longas the gengar one. I hinted at the pokemon involved, so you guys will just have to read on to find out!

For those who need to know, Team Rocket will be introduced shortly. No worries about that. They will not be in this chapter, though.

I will also include a couple of points about chapter 8 at the end of my chapter 7, so read on!

mindripper
6th July 2005, 8:40 PM
“Penny for your thoughts??” Misty felt a tad guilty over what had just conspired over the past few minutes and tried to make it up to her friend.

“I’m fine, Misty, I just need to figure out a way to prepare myself for what is going to happen tomorrow, what I will be up against; you saw the same thing I did; how could I ever beat Pokemon like that??” Our hero gave vent to his fears, laying them all out on the table.

“I have an idea. I overheard several trainers on board talking about a certain room on this ship, which trainers can use to have friendly matches. I can’t be sure it will do you any good, but it might at least ease your fears, and possibly boost your morale.”

Our hero stood stock-still in consideration before agreeing with his friend’s suggestion. Looking around to take stock of their immediate whereabouts, our eagle-eyed hero spotted a floor plan of the ship, and the two went over to consult it.

“OK, we are here,” Misty pointed at a grey square on the topographical cross-section map of the ship, a grey square which represented the ballroom they had exited not too long ago. “And we need to get here,” she continued in a single breath, jabbing her index figure at another point, situated on the figure above that which they had perused previously, indicating their intended destination was on another floor of the ship.

“It states here that there is some sort of a trainer research facility there too, so I’m assuming that means computers and reading material, all of which I need to do some research on the trainers I could face and stuff like that…” Ash trailed off, putting on an optimistic front for his friend’s benefit, hoping it did not look as transparent or as flimsy as he felt it was.

“Come on then, don’t just stand there looking like a goldfish with your mouth opening and closing and yet with no sound emerging. You got some work to do Ash Ketchum, and I’m going to make VERY sure you do it!!” Our feisty heroine grabbed her friend’s hand and moved off at a frenetic pace, heading for their destination, where she hoped fervently that her friend would find a glimmer of hope for the morrow’s myriad battles, and from the battles they witnessed, he might just need it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lucky for you, I was leading the way. No offence Ash, but you probably couldn’t find your way out of a swimming pool with both hands, a torch and a compass.” Our red-haired heroine smirked playfully at our hero, enjoying the wince on his face immensely. It had been such a long time.

“You know something? Brock said something like that just now. So I’m no boy scout, but I am, or am going to be, a Pokemon master, and there isn’t a thing Gengar or Hitmonlee can do about it.” Our never-say-die hero embodied the stuff that dreams are made of, coupled with the happy demeanour reminiscent of a diabetic patient on dialysis for too long.

Our heroine cocked an eyebrow at her friend and grinned, happy to see a positive response finally. Her eyes adjusted to the brighter lighting in the battling room *** library, a stark contrast from the corridor lighting, due more to the dim forbidding illumination of the latter than anything else, making the battling room’s own incandescence seem dazzling by comparison. It was mildly surprising not to see an expanse of some rocky terrain, or a huge pool of water dotted sparingly with rocks, as most battlefields would be, but to be greeted instead with shelf after shelf of crummy looking books, all hardcover, all ravaged by a combination of the sands of time and a certain small insect known as the silverfish.

Most books, upon closer inspection, were written about Pokemon, with a staggering variety that included everything under the sun from battling, breeding, mentalities and evolution, and much more. The shelves were all made of ebony teakwood, with a laminated finish, all with four tiers and a closed back. Several computers were situated at the end of the room, apparently for the use of enquiring trainers’ personal research, and it was to these that Ash headed to almost immediately.

Upon booting up, and selecting the option which would allow him to do some homework on the other trainers he would see as well as their team information. Information is ammunition. Upon request, Ash slid his trainer pass into the indicated slot, and grinned as his identification was verified, leading him to a page with a whirlpool background, with a torch which had a gold Pokeball on its hilt superimposed onto the chaotic background, creating law among disorder, government among anarchy, with his own face staring back at him from the top right corner of the screen, captioned with a personal welcome to him and several selectable options below the picture.

“Hmmm, let’s see… ‘About us’, ‘User details’, ‘Pokemon attributes’, ‘Trainer information’… AHA!!” Our hero let off a triumphant cry as he happened on the option he had been seeking, and clicked on it with his mouse. The screen he had been viewing faded away and was replaced by one which was headlined with “Trainer Information”, and had pictures and the names of all trainers still remaining in the competition. Ash scrolled downwards manually with the mouse till he saw his own face grinning back at him like a Cheshire cat which had just struck the lottery. Flashing a return grin at himself, Ash clicked on his own name, and was rewarded by a screen showing his grinning face (again) as well as a host of statistics about himself, including interesting tidbits such as which gyms he had visited thus far, any victories in tournaments he could boast of, personal information about his birth and birthplace, etc… ...

Taking the limelight and centre-stage was a dossier of his battling style and individual profiles of his team, including preferred pairings in team battles and success rates, as well as his record in the tournament thus far and his trainer ratings.

Whoever compiled this information must be extremely resourceful.

Out of curiosity, he clicked on the link which would offer a synopsis of his own style, wanting to see how accurate it really was.

Ash Ketchum is an unquestionably talented trainer, with an uncanny ability to dream up out-of-the-box solutions to potential minefields in difficult matches. What can be questioned, however, is his somewhat rudimentary knowledge of Pokemon’s full array of attacks at times. He also tends to make careless mistakes at times and does suffer from lapses in concentration at times. In the Orange Islands, against gym-leader Rudy, Ash suffered from a lapse in his concentration, nearly costing him the match, which was salvaged when his Squirtle learned Hydropump at the right place and the right time. Ash Ketchum does has the rare ability to remain competitive even with basic Pokemon, and excels when given the underdog tag, and gets the best out of his fighters always. Starts usually with a Pokemon of each type, and rotates his Pokemon well. Not to be taken lightly.

Ash’s grin grew even wider as he read the information given on his personal style, even as Misty’s eyes grew ever larger, unaccustomed to seeing her friend receiving such accolades. Our hero then clicked on the profile of each member of his team, starting with our shockingly popular rodent Pikachu, which Ash had returned to its Pokeball before leaving for the ballroom earlier in the evening, as no Pokemon were allowed outside their Pokeballs on the ship.

Pikachu is the first Pokemon Ash Ketchum ever received, and the two have become fast friends ever since. An almost automatic choice for its trainer when it comes to battles, Pikachu has several glaring deficiencies in terms of physical power, but has an attack level that exceeds its optimum evolutionary level by far. Pikachu is blessed with extreme speed, making it a very slippery target. Underestimate and the result could be shocking, no pun intended.

Dusclops was next on the list, as Ash ran through his entire team.

Dusclops is a recent addition to Ash Ketchum’s team, and adds a whole new dimension to it, with a right blend of psychic and ghost attacks. An unknown quantity at the moment.

Pidgeot was caught by Ash Ketchum in the early days of his trainer status. Was left behind by Ash to guard a flock of Pidgeys and Pidgeottos against a bunch of Spearows, which were led by a Fearow, to avert harm being inflicted onto the former. Brings new meaning to the word speed, being extremely quick and dexterous in the air. Has not fought in any battles of note since being retrieved by its trainer.

Grovyle was originally a Treecko, caught by Ash Ketchum in the Hoenn region. Has a vibrant and vigorous battling style, including a very full repertoire of tricks and flips. Deceptively fast, with an attitude to match. Has not reached its full potential yet, but has upset many an unsuspecting and condescending trainer.

Squirtle is another of Ash’s early Pokemon. Like Pikachu, has exceeded its evolutionary level, displaying abilities even fully evolved Blastoises would find hard to match. Has won its fair share of matches for its trainer, and has a steely will to match its hard shell. Ash Ketchum uses Squirtle for its ability to rotate at ease between its preliminary attacks and the match-winning ones, as well as deceptive speed, spring and a high defence.

Charizard is currently the only fully evolved stage two Pokemon in Ash Ketchum’s arsenal, and while Pikachu seems to be favoured, Charizard is undoubtedly the star and anchor of this team. To beat this team, a trainer would have to go through this Pokemon. Originally released by its trainer to reside in the Charicific valley in the Johto region, its daily cutthroat competition with the other resident Charizards has further improved and honed its fiery skills; the fact that it is still young and possesses huge amounts of latent potential merely adds to a glowing list of achievements. Many gym leaders have come undone due to this one Pokemon—Blaine and Claire, both gym leaders, have spoken about this Pokemon each time they are questioned about their losses, and it is easy to see why. Obvious destructive power is married with a huge attitude and an undying will to win. Pride burns strongest in this fighter, and while hot-headed and rash, it will no doubt be a huge obstacle to anyone facing this young trainer.

“They sure know you very well, Ash,” Misty spoke up, having read everything that was on screen as well. “I was hoping to get an honourable mention as the one who fished you out of the river though.” The slightest hint of a smile took form on her lips as she spoke, conveying her intentions clearly and concisely.

Our hero again upped the style ante as he calmly screened his ears from his friend’s remark, much like a buffalo would ignore the negligible irritations from flies on its hide. Returning to the main page, Ash clicked on several trainers who caught his eye, viewing their information, voraciously consuming those bits which he could use to his probable advantage if a confrontation between the two should arise.

“Ash, why are you wasting time by looking at that trainer’s picture for such a long time?” Misty snapped irritably at her friend, as Ash’s gaze rested on the visually pleasing visage of a female trainer, even though the question was purely rhetorical in nature, and was born more of instinct than a want to see her friend conserve every second he had and put it to good use.

“Er, so I can recognize her if I do face off against her tomorrow?” Ash spoke in a hopeful tone, fostering a slim sliver of a chance of escaping unscathed, having detected the dangerous undertones in his friend’s riposte and desperately wished to avoid getting involved in a scuffle which he would invariably come out the worse of. A smile complemented his lifeline, as our hero treaded on the deadly ground with a churning stomach and a trepidation in his heart, steeling his head for a blow if everything else failed.

Misty can really be touchy, while all I can do is to be touché.

The worst part was the fact that while there were countless times when he understood the abuse he received, there were also just as many instances when he recalled his head making contact with a certain heavy wooden device, and for little or no reason at all from his viewpoint, while the phlegmatic part of him advocated acquiescence instead of argument.

“Hey, if you want to recognize someone, make sure I am on that list. In fact, think you had better print out my picture as well, in case, y’know… ...”


An unfamiliar voice resonated from behind them, causing them both to whirl around and come face to face with a sneering face, unpleasant in nature, yet obviously blessed with good physical looks, with flashing brown eyes, high cheekbones, long hair tamed into a stylish ponytail and a strong chin. There was an obvious aura of roguish charm about this new arrival, and the confident manner in which he carried himself was enough to cause both our hero and heroine to give him the once-over.

“Here, let me help you with that thing.” Barging a shocked-to-the-core hero away, the new arrival clicked on his own name, which was Victor E. Reyes, taking them to a screen which showed all his achievements, among other egotistic information.

“Look here, mates, I am undefeated in the whole Indigo league thus far, and was ranked the best trainer in this tournament thus far, based on the preliminary round.”

“Yeah, that is just real peachy and all, but my friend and I would like to do our own research, without your assistance, which even though is appreciated, is not required.” Misty found the newly identified Victor E. Reyes’ patronizing and self-uplifting manner immensely annoying and wished to be rid of him.

“Please use ‘sir’ as a form of address when you wish to speak to me, for my attention is given to the scrawny little runt that you call your friend, and I currently have no time to answer a red-haired baboon right now.” Victor E. Reyes flicked a strand of hair away from his eyes and stylishly turned his back on our heroine number one.

“Hi, I’m sir Ash… ...” Our hero promoted himself to knighthood, and waved his hands around in a desperate call for attention, eroding his newfound status away.

“SIR ASH??”

“You did tell me to use ‘sir’ when I talked to you, and my name is Ash; put them together and you get ‘sir Ash’, is that not correct??” Our arithmetically-inclined hero had analyzed the situation perfectly from his point of view, and had put two and two together, coming to the inevitable conclusion.

Victor E. Reyes stared incredulously at our hero, to the extent that his eyes seemed to be popping out of their sockets. In a move that can only be described as a turning to the lesser of two evils, as the dashing young man turned once again to our heroine number one, who had gone a deep shade of purple due to the prior insult.

“Wherever did you pick that up??” Victor E. Reyes jabbed an accusatory finger at our hero, shivering in fright as he contemplated what our dear hero had just said.

“I fished him out of the water, Vicky boy…” Sarcasm was dripping from every syllable of Misty’s retort.

“Let me introduce myself officially, for the benefit of ignorant simpletons such as you two.” Out of nowhere, Victor E. Reyes had stepped onto a stage, complete with sharp suit and sunglasses, with the central spotlight belonging to him and him only, and flashing a smile, revealing impossibly white teeth, which caught the light at a certain angle and lit up like diamonds.

“I am Victor E. Reyes; take note of the phonetics please (Vee-k-thor E Ri-ers). I have won… ...”

“Victorious?? That is what your name is?? That is real corny, even going by your standards. Let me introduce myself as well. My name is Sue Perr. Guess what the phonetics are??”

“What do phones have to do with names??” Our hero felt totally lost and vulnerable. As it was, neither of the other two present paid any attention to him at all, and this was perhaps for the best.

“It does not matter what your name is. Now, if you will let me continue with my introduction…” Victor E. Reyes, for all his emphasized and highlighted abilities, clearly missed that which was occurring right beneath his nose, as he failed to notice that our heroine’s tan had given way to a deep shade of magenta, with veins bulging till she looked as though she would sooner pop every blood vessel in her face and die of hemorrhage than open her mouth to speak. Somehow, the latter was achieved, without the prophesied vessel popping.

“Let… Me… Introduce… You… To… THIS!!!” Misty’s words came out in staccato growls, cutting off Victor E. Reyes in mid-sentence, and reached behind her to pull out her preferred tool of destruction. The following scene must be done anime-style, and the screen must be darkened even then, for it was an example of pure gratuitous violence, but which had an important part of the story to fill out and thus could not be cut out entirely; out of element, but certainly not out of place.

Pokemon is something people of all ages can enjoy, and it is indeed a reflection of the dire world we live in that violence like that we have just censored is part and parcel, sometimes necessary part of our lives. We beseech parents to defuse any tension in children after viewing the scene, or rather what we left in the scene. We pray that no one will suffer nights of somnambulism or insomnia of any sort after hearing the harrowing shouts and screams in the scene. Our sincere apologies, but it was a necessary evil.

The screen darkened, with two vague outlines an astute viewer could perhaps identify as Victor E. Reyes, and our heroine, with the latter tearing into the former, with a berserker fury that Wolverine would be proud of. Speech bubbles containing “OW!!”, “HELP!!”, “OOF!!” and many other expressions of pain resonated through the library, shattering the aura of peace and quiet that previously held sway over the hallowed place of learning. Full illumination was then restored to the screen, as a panting Misty stood triumphant over an utterly pulverized Victor E. Reyes, who sprung back to his feet and tried to salvage his appearance (this is a cartoon after all), and within seconds he was back to his usual haughty and groomed self, but regarded our heroine with a degree of fear.

“That, VEEEKKKTOOOR, was Mr. Mallet, with no fanciful phonetics, just Mr. Mallet, and I can tell you he is ecstatic at making your acquaintance.” Misty subconsciously kicked him while he was down, with the insult meant to do exactly what its purpose—to insult.

“That is ENOUGH!! Watch this!!” A whoosh reverberated through the room as a Machamp was released from its Pokeball and upon a nod of the head by Victor E. Reyes in our heroine’s general direction, sidled up behind our heroine and used its immense strength to pinion her arms in a vicious full-nelson, immobilizing and hurting at once, despite our heroine’s valiant efforts to free herself of that particular predicament. The deliciously malicious Victor E. Reyes slicked back his hair into its original position and style, with not one strand out of place, looking as if he had never been assaulted and battered to within an inch of his life by our heroine. Things had gotten a little too hot for his liking, but they were back under control.

“Just to underline my superiority, I would like to challenge you to a Pokemon battle, right here, right now.” Victor E. Reyes wagged a delicate finger in our hero’s direction, even as our hero looked shell-shocked about what had just come to pass around him.

“Hey, I don’t care who you are or what your name is. You had better unhand my friend now or…”

“Or you will what?? Powder your nose and go crying to your mother? Judging from what that little tulip there did to me just now; I certainly am not doing anything criminal, am I?” Our malevolent baddie Victor E. Reyes cut our hero off in the middle of one of his hero-making sentences, adding fuel to the fire that was already blazing in our hero’s heart.

“I repeat once more for the benefit of your own health: Unhand my friend now!! Or even if what you’re doing now isn’t criminal, what I am going to do to you most certainly will be!!”

“Ah, some fight within that shrimpy exterior eh? On to the battlefield, and your little virago will receive her freedom!”

Pushing open the twin doors to the arena, our hero squinted briefly under the glaring spotlights that strategically adorned the ceiling of the designated battling areas. Cordoned off from the rest of the ship by a sound-proof insulation, with a full array of battlefield conditions such as the standard sand surface, to icy surfaces made more realistic by the rising swells and dipping troughs caught assumedly in a sudden cold snap and encapsulated in that moment forever, making a treacherous surface for many Pokemon, a test of balance as much as skill.

Each battlefield was also separated from all other battlefields, lest a stray hyperbeam from one of the grass fields were to knock out a Pokemon on one of the water battlefields. Eventually, the ice field was chosen as the proverbial no-man’s-land, and each trainer took his place on either end of the battlefield, within the demarcated box for trainers to stand in. Machamp had released the vice-like grip on our heroine; and rubbing her aching shoulders, she stumbled back towards our hero, who hurriedly rushed to give her a helping hand before turning towards the diabolical Victor E. Reyes and hurling censored insults at him.

A whoosh resounded in the silence, like a needle dropping to the floor in absolutely quiet conditions creates a comparatively loud sound due to the lack of interfering factors, revealing Victor E Reyes’ chosen battler. It had vague feline resemblances, with matted yellow fur, pointed ears, padded feet ending in two clawed toes, and hands which had three fingers each, as well as a distinctive furry moustache-like projection from each side of its face, near the nostrils. Additionally, it wore a brown leather jerkin, with similar pads covering its forearms and shins completing the article as far as clothing were concerned. Most distinctively, Victor E. Reyes’ battler held two items in its hands, which looked suspiciously like spoons, and our hero recognized the Pokemon immediately from that tell-tale sign itself, and his none-to-pleased reaction itself was enough to let anyone not in the know about the Pokemon in question know that eating ice cream with the spoons it held was very far from the truth.

“Alakazam…” The slow dawdling droll of Victor E. Reyes’ Pokemon echoed through the arena.

“Hey, I VOLUNTEERED to make the first move… Just so you do not have any complaints after you LOSE…” The calculating Victor E. Reyes had started the mind games, baiting Ash with a condescending comment, stated so matter-of-factly that it seemed to be the stark truth.

Which of my Pokemon is best suited to facing an Alakazam?

Memories of his past skirmishes with psychic Pokemon, accompanied with his most graphic humiliations at the hands of psychic Pokemon. Images of a certain Kadabra bouncing his Pikachu off the floor and ceiling were disturbing to say the least.

But I still beat Sabrina, didn’t I? Her Kadabra was strong, but I had a Haunter, and ghost Pokemon are extremely competent against psychic Pokemon, so here goes nothing…

“Dusclops, I choose you!”

“Clops…”

“Start off with a Nightshade attack…” Our hero made the first move this time.

“Confusion, Alakazam… Let us see how strong that Dusclops really is.”

Both Pokemon took a moment to charge up their respective attacks, before a ray of black energy emerged and collided with a beam of purple energy, emitted from Alakazam. The result of the collision was instantaneous and combustible. The smoke eventually cleared, with neither Pokemon having moved an inch, Alakazam with its usual poker-face, betraying nothing, while Dusclop’s only expressed form of possible emotion was its sole eye, which glowed redder than ever. Both Pokemon had been formally introduced to each other, and in the upcoming game of one-upmanship between two very similar Pokemon in terms of skills, abilities as well as style, the result hung delicately in the balance, shrouded by opacity.

“Alakazam, use taunt.”

Alakazam’s spoons bent from the mental effort put into the attack, even as a blue glow emanated, a signal of sorts that an attack of psychic nature had been launched.

Our deliberating hero knew exactly what ramifications such an attack would have on his Pokemon, and attempted to counter and utilize his foe’s attack the best way he could.

“Dusclops, snatch attack, now…”

An answering dark glow danced around Dusclops as it worked on the attack, which in a nutshell would effectively steal any special effect an opponent’s move would have on itself. Even as Dusclops was hit by the attack, with an accompanying violet aureole, Alakazam seemed to be lighted up by some similarly plumed lambent flame. Dusclops let of the slightest snarl, having been excused of the bulk of Alakazam’s taunt attack, while Alakazam had begun mashing its spoons together, fur bristling at the thought of what was no doubt some unspoken and best left unspoken acts of violence to the detriment of its opponent’s health and wellbeing. Abandoning its invitational stance, Alakazam seemed to lose all nuances about its usual soak and counter approach and looked ready to go on the offensive.

Sensing the mounting hostility in his battler, Victor E. Reyes realized that he had inadvertently set himself up for a paying back with his proverbial own coin, as Alakazam suffered the effects of its own attack, and grudgingly gave his opponent a small degree of respect, even though he would show no sign of it. He was in a sticky situation; that much he knew, and Alakazam was not built for head-on dogfights—it was built for subtle overtures and probing advances, often defeating opponents through the sheer number of avenues of attack it could progress through. For that moment though, he would have to attack, and keep his fingers crossed that the upstart would not capitalize—fingers crossed figuratively, of course, as Victor E. Reyes does not show signs of weakness.

I have got him right where I want him. Alakazam excels in using special attacks and fully utilizing alternative victory conditions to succeed, and a straight-out battle using attacks only would erode its aura of imperviousness. I have the upper hand, and I have to capitalize. Our hero had his opponent right where he thought he wanted.

“Alakazam, double team…”

It was a move rarely used by Alakazam, but unfortunately, rarely used did not equate unusable and derelict for our hero, as Alakazam’s psychic abilities blended with the nature of the attack and allowed the Pokemon to manipulate the projected illusions, creating a completey whimsical tapestry for Dusclops to wallow in. Alakazam focused and projected multiple images of itself in a perfect circle, encompassing Dusclops. Bending to Alakazam’s psychic abilities, each image ceased standing stock-still, and began performing a numbing series of hypnotic movements, designed to disorientate more than anything else, so that Dusclops and our young hero would not be able to easily differentiate truth from falsity easily.

What is he up to? A double team attack with copies that move?? Do I try to dispel the images one by one and hope I get lucky? Is there a plan?

“Ash, look out!! There is something fishy happening… Do not fall for it!” That would be our heroine in the background, imparting pearls of wisdom to our hero.

As if on cue, one of the Alakazams stepped out of line, and our hero responded immediately.

“Dusclops, use nightshade on that Alakazam, now.”

An answering beam of pitch black darkness sand through the air, and struck the errant Alakazam full in the chest… And passed harmlessly through. A straw-coloured entity flashed by from directly behind Dusclops, sending chunks of ice skywards for all of a few seconds, with the yellow tail glowing white and slamming into the exposed back of Dusclops, even as our hero stood still with mouth hitting the ice anime style, scarcely believing what had just occurred, remnants of the battle against Sabrina flooding back to haunt him.

What was THAT? No Pokemon can handle two simultaneous attacks like that with such ease. The Alakazam must be of a very high level… Like… Like the Gengar just now with its nightshade and hypnosis. How can my Dusclops top that? There must be a way to identify the real Alakazam…

A gasp from Misty, audible even through the chaos raging in his mind, snapped our hero out of his thoughts, and he focused once more on the match. Our hero knew he had to find a way out of the predicament he was in, or face losing ignominiously to a heady wimp who hid behind his achievements and was given to such showy acts or arrogance and contempt for those he felt under him. Once again, an Alakazam stepped forward of the tight circle, facing Dusclops, even as another situated directly behind Dusclops mirrored the actions of its predecessor. The former’s eyes squinted blue, even as the latter’s tail gleamed silver and moved in for the strike.

“Dusclops, turn back and use nightshade, again.”

Obeying the command instantly, Dusclops did an about turn and unleashed a nightshade attack on the Alakazam which was about to execute an iron tail attack on it. What happened next was something our hero had never come close to witnessing before and would probably not witness many times again. Just as our hero’s command rang out, the Alakazam in Dusclop’s firing line shimmered, as if it was being viewed through an immense heat induced haze, which refracted light and thus caused images to appear contorted, as did the Alakazam which Dusclops had turned its back on.

As things panned out, Dusclops’ nightshade attack passed harmlessly through the Alakazam which was in its firing line, even as the Alakazam behind it unleashed a psybeam at the once again exposed back of Dusclops, immersing it in a purple hue, before sending it sprawling hard onto the unflinching ice, even as it stepped back into line with the rest of its images, claws digging furrows in the ice as it progressed. Our heroine gasped again, in shock more than anything else.

It teleported!! The Alakazam teleported! The one doing the iron tail attack was originally the real Pokemon, but somehow when its bluff was exposed it switched places with the copy, changing its intended attack to psybeam when it was originally iron tail, resulting in my Dusclops attacking a mere image EVEN THOUGH it originally had the real Alakazam in its sights! I have never seen anything like that before. There must be some other way to tell the real Pokemon from the rest; Dusclops cannot take much more of this. But what? Trial and error is not going to work, judging from how Alakazam can manipulate the illusions and teleport around at will. I have to identify it when it has already committed to the attack, and cannot teleport away, but first I will have to find a way to identify it… ...

Our hero took a split second to observe the spectacle that lay before him—his Dusclops surrounded by a tight ring of Alakazams; or rather a ring composed of a single Alakazam and many illusions. The ice was cracked in several places, such as where dusclops had fallen after the latest barrage from Alakazam, and scratched in other places, where Dusclops and Alakazam had strode. Where Alakazam had stridden? THAT’S IT!! The real Alakazam will always leave marks on the ice due to the claws on its feet. No matter how powerful Alakazam’s psychic control over its projections is, or however cunning Victor E Reyes’ strategies are, the real Pokemon will ALWAYS leave a mark on the ice, while the mere images will NOT. I just have to bide my time, and wait for the critical moment when it can no longer teleport, and then attack.

Once again, two Alakazams took their seemingly mandatory positions within the circle of their compatriots, seemingly ready to attack our hero’s lone battler, who seemed a tad lost in the midst of such a large group of enemies, and whether they were the real McCoy did not affect that disposition one bit.

No trails in the ice. They are just illusions. But I need to play along, act as though I have been taken in, and strike with a single blow when it is least expected.

“Dusclops, keep alert. Either may attack you at any given time.” Our tricky hero called out to his Pokemon loudly, hoping that by doing so he had just enforced the image that he was none the wiser to the situation. A motion from his counterpart from the opposite end of the battlefield, and another Alakazam encroached on the territory separating Dusclops and its multitude of opponents.

There!! Trails created by Alakazam’s claws!!

“Dusclops, there are three of them now… Keep alert at all times… There’s no telling when or what is going to attack this time…”

Our hero nonchalantly kept up his bluff, even while keeping his eyes peeled for the trails that he hoped would give him a lead, if not outright victory in the current match. In unison, all three Alakazams moved menacingly towards Dusclops, and each dropped into a certain attack stance, an obvious precursor to the attacks that were about to follow. The favourite of Victor E. Reyes, the omnipresent iron tail attack, was evident due to the gleam in one of the trio’s tails. Another Alakazam glowed blue and indigo, surely meaning that a psychic attack was to follow, and the last had a glowing fist, even as it seemed in some sort of meditative trance, surely to be followed by a fighting attack.

The gleefully inequitable Victor E. Reyes motioned for all three to advance and attack, knowing and trusting in the fact that his Alakazam’s teleportation abilities and manipulation of the ethereal projections would provide for an almost risk-free gambit that would be viciously capitalized on. The first Alakazam’s eyes gleamed blue, while the second’s tail glimmered a silvery hue, while the last but not least Alakazam drew its right fist backward, spoon and all, in preparation for a focus punch. The only problem was that only the Alakazam advancing forward to deliver its focus punch left any trail of its biped transportation, and our hero astutely played on that fact.

“Dusclops, charge up a shadow ball.” Our hero iterated quickly, knowing that his Pokemon was facing the corporeal Alakazam, which would inevitably teleport itself away from the line of fire and replace itself with a mere clone, and the hazy shimmering of the Alakazam proved his reasoning beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Our hero observed the other two Alakazams, and there was more than just a slight tinge of elation when the two claws on one of the Pokemon’s feet dug twin parallel lines in the ice as it moved. Closer and closer it came, and closer and closer did the appointed time come.

“Dusclops, shadow ball now… But at your four o’ clock!”

Like a well-drilled soldier, Dusclops spun around, using the icy surface as a lubricant of sorts, putting on the brakes when it faced its intended target and releasing the prior prepared ball of cackling ebon power at its opponent. At this point in time, Ash’s eyes widened, for he wanted to see clearer; Misty’s eyes widened, in shock and surprise over her friend’s intuitive tactic; Alakazam’s eyes widened in shock at being tracked so competently by the unknown quantity that its opponent was; and Victor E. Reyes’ eyes widened in horror as he instinctively knew that Alakazam would not be able to teleport or evade at such point-black range and at such an advanced stage of commitment to the attack it was executing and the sudden realization that he could possibly not be VICTORIOUS in the battle.

The shadow ball found its mark, sending pitch black charges racing through Alakazam’s body, even as its control over the projections from the double team attack wavered initially and then disappeared completely. Alakazam landed with a resounding “smack” and writhed spasmodically on the ground, completely oblivious to its surroundings and seemingly unwillingly insistent on completing its full repertoire of throes, its aura of subtle power and invincibility dissipated.

“Dusclops, finish it with a nightshade.”

Before Dusclops could power up what would have been the coup de grace, a line of red light struck Alakazam, and the latter vanished from the battlefield. Our hero traced the incident to his opponent, who held a Pokeball in his hands, looking more than a little shaky.

He recalled the Alakazam.

“You recalled your Pokemon.” Our vocal hero spoke what was on his mind.

“Yes I did, for I… For I do not wish to see either of our Pokemon injured in a debilitating manner, which would hinder our involvement tomorrow, for that would be a travesty…”

“If you carry on with all that, this show is going to become a tragedy…” Misty pulled a long face as she spoke. “So much for being VICTORIOUS, eh??” Our heroine could not resist a barely shrouded barb at the already bruised ego of Victor E. Reyes.

“Er, I really hate to say this, but I have a prior appointment at this time and I really have to get going now. Guess I will be seeing you guys around huh…” Victor E. Reyes twittered nervously before scooting off, leaving a huge trail of dust in his wake, probably breaking a few records in the process… So much for Maurice Greene.

“Misty, let him be… You do not have to score a recorded victory over people like Victor E. Reyes to beat him… Leaving him cowering in that moment of imminent defeat, having it hanging over his head like a burden, is worse than the actual defeat itself, as far as a person so full of himself is concerned.”

Our hero proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that the greater powers did not forget about the intellectual aspect of his creation thirteen years ago, showing wisdom seemingly beyond his meager abilities, linguistically wise, of course.

Our susceptible-to-irascible-umbrage heroine was still obviously piqued at the quicksilver demise of the bad-to-the-bone Victor E. Reyes, but was forcibly held back by the presence of our level-headed hero’s hands on her shoulders, the action gently restraining but yet conveying its meaning as well if not better than if it were to be squealed out in a strident cacophony. A moment passed before our heroine’s shoulders sagged in obeisance, and backed off silently in the face of her friend’s objection. As if sharing a silent pact between them both, they walked briskly back towards the designated computers to continue our hero’s research on his possible obstacles, the almost audible silence between them speaking volumes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 8 will have some backstory on a character, and will also intro Team rocket for the first time. Look out for it!

sk0rp10n
6th July 2005, 9:23 PM
Wow, another great chappie! That new guy you introduced, victor, was a riot!

The battle was great! GREAT! The usage of strategy was flawless, and I will have new respect for ash as a result of that.


Hi, I’m sir Ash

I nearly died. I am serious. LOL.

I wll post a more indepth review later today. Need to go out!

Wes
6th July 2005, 9:50 PM
Yeah that sir Ash thing was also funny. I loved how you described the battle. It's like you make every battle appear in my head! Great job!

mindripper
6th July 2005, 10:14 PM
Another hit and run rater. haha. If anyone got any probs with me or the fic, please voice them first. Rating and running dont make me any worse as a person or a writer, but it says a lot about the perpetrator. Whatever man. :)

whoknows
6th July 2005, 10:17 PM
I read the first four chapters. very very nice. keep it up, and do not worry about those hit and run raters. Prob just jealous. I would be, if I saw someone who worte like that!

FlamingRuby
6th July 2005, 10:18 PM
Misty and Victor arguing was funny, not to mention the battle was nicely done once again!

mindripper
6th July 2005, 10:21 PM
Thanks FR. I have already reviewed your fic as you requested earlier in the day.

To my dear hit and run rater, you rated me a 2. At least let me know why. Real brave huh? You could rate me a 1, but it still will not change the fact that in all probability, I > you, as far as writing is concerned. Enjoy your day!

Elemental Charizam
6th July 2005, 10:50 PM
A much better Chapter than before; the battle was better IMO. One of the many reasons for thois was the way you manipulated our feelings towards Victor before and after the battle, so even though I don't like Ash much I wanted him to win. It also had a turning point, IE the point Ash realised his oponent left cracks on the ice.

Also mindripper, I hate hit and run raters too, but the fact you write better has nothing to do with it. If that wrere true, I'm sure many would not be 'allowed' to vote at all.

Sike Saner
6th July 2005, 11:36 PM
HIGHLIGHTS!


"Hi, I'm sir Ash... ..." Our hero promoted himself to knighthood, and waved his hands around in a desperate call for attention, eroding his newfound status away.


"I am Victor E. Reyes; take note of the phonetics please (Vee-k-thor E Ri-ers). I have won... ..."


"That, VEEEKKKTOOOR, was Mr. Mallet, with no fanciful phonetics, just Mr. Mallet, and I can tell you he is ecstatic at making your acquaintance."

Misty's bludgeoning of Victor with the Sacred Mallet (complete with built-in disclaimer :p ) = Delicious.

And holy crap, a battle implementing...STRATEGY! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's not an urban legend! :D I love Alakazam to death, and yet I don't mind that it got its merry golden *** kicked, because that battle was thoroughly entertaining. Ash's attentiveness to the laws of physics turned the match in his favor, preventing Alakazam from being an overbearing cheeseball as is the usual modus operandi of the species, and your attentiveness to physics allowed this battle to carry a level of cleverness that elevated it beyond a run-of-the-mill slugfest. Good show.

Mysteria Pearl
7th July 2005, 12:44 AM
Great job! I really liked chapter 7! I simply cant wait for chapter8! Yay! keep up the good work!

Nashua
7th July 2005, 6:40 AM
I liked this chapter. The part in which Misty smacked Victor with her mallet is priceless!
The way that you described the double team phase is vivid, as was the whole battle. I would like to request that Sandslash make an appearance later on(if you can do that).

The Burnt Shadow
7th July 2005, 7:29 AM
Really impressive. Keep it up, I'm looking forward for th next chapter. You've really got skill and talent as a writer.

mindripper
7th July 2005, 9:01 AM
Also mindripper, I hate hit and run raters too, but the fact you write better has nothing to do with it. If that wrere true, I'm sure many would not be 'allowed' to vote at all.

I utterly look down on them. If someone were to do that to a fic, it usually reeks of jealousy. Once or twice is fine, but 4 or 5 times is not.

I am not too sure what the last portion of the abovementioned quote means, but I take it that you meant that it isnt true that only better writers can vote. That was not what I meant. Anyone and everyone should be able to rate, but should at least show some decency. I have never done such a thing to anyone, and will never lower myself to doing so.

Knightblazer
7th July 2005, 9:49 AM
Yeah! Cool chapter, I absoultely like the part when that Victor guy came and all chaos broke loose. And the detail about Ash was rather cool, as well. I look forward to your next chapter.


by the unknown quantity that its opponent was; and Victor E. Reyes’ eyes widened in horror

I think that it should be a comma ' , ' not this ' ; ' .

Ahh, well... I was never good in english anyway.

Overrall, great job! The battle was awesome!

gladdecease
7th July 2005, 10:09 AM
Lots of vocabulary in there...*eyes wide* LOTS'a stuff.

The Kadabra battle was very intricate and, I thought, quite well planned out. It certainly was out of the ordinary, and I enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more soon; later!

Sequoia
7th July 2005, 10:44 AM
^^ i thought this chapter was okay...for once the battle didn't have so much description, and focused more on flash backs...it was interesting how Ash reflected on his past battle though, and the rest was mostly correct...length, grammar, and spelling are all okay, and...well, nice chapter XD i'm looking forward to your next chapter!

mindripper
7th July 2005, 10:47 AM
It really wasnt too much of flashback, but more of audible thought. Like Ash is giving voice to his thoughts. Anywayz, thanks for the review!

Shadowcat
7th July 2005, 11:11 AM
This is really good and I would like to see more of it. I finally got the time to read this awesome fic.

mindripper
7th July 2005, 11:14 AM
This is really good and I would like to see more of it. I finally got the time to read this awesome fic.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. It is always good to have new readers. Thanks. I do not think that you will regret it.

Shadowcat
7th July 2005, 11:38 AM
Well you Pmed me to read this fic and you'll read mine as Beta right. Well I had lots of homework that is why I said i could not read your fic. Now I'm reading it and I think it is awesome. Well Try my Pokemon, Historical legends fic. It's not really good and a little bad.

Odem General
7th July 2005, 3:15 PM
urk! Well as I said here i am to review ur fic. Well, I may not be so fond of certain types of pokemon fics but I had looked at this particular when I saw that you had posted a review on Meta kyogre's fic anyway I digress. So far considering you are a first time fic writer (as am i) I think this is amazing. I may sound like a broken record by saying what has already been said but, you seem to have a naturally good and enthralling writing style. your description is just right not too much not too little. The plot isnt too much at the minute but the other elements are enough to keep people gripped untill it develops. It seems to be warming up too thats good. I look forward to looking at the other chapters when they are posted.

intergalactic platypus
7th July 2005, 6:19 PM
omg i love this fic. its extremely clever, and the humor is perfect. the best has to be "what do phones have to do with our names?" i just love it. the battles are wonderfully descriptive as well. victor E. reyes is a great bad guy, he really was funny. your a very good writer. keep it up

sk0rp10n
7th July 2005, 9:04 PM
Information is ammunition

how true!

I also loved the way you ran through every one of his pokemon, and profiled Ash brilliantly. Very nice touch.


Er, so I can recognize her if I do face off against her tomorrow

Lol. Good one there.


“Hi, I’m sir Ash… ...” Our hero promoted himself to knighthood, and waved his hands around in a desperate call for attention, eroding his newfound status away.


In a move that can only be described as a turning to the lesser of two evils

“I am Victor E. Reyes; take note of the phonetics please (Vee-k-thor E Ri-ers). I have won… ...”


“Victorious?? That is what your name is?? That is real corny, even going by your standards. Let me introduce myself as well. My name is Sue Perr. Guess what the phonetics are??”


“Let… Me… Introduce… You… To… THIS!!!” Misty’s words came out in staccato growls, cutting off Victor E. Reyes in mid-sentence, and reached behind her to pull out her preferred tool of destruction. The following scene must be done anime-style, and the screen must be darkened even then, for it was an example of pure gratuitous violence, but which had an important part of the story to fill out and thus could not be cut out entirely; out of element, but certainly not out of place.

That whole portion was damn funny! It was a laugh a minute. Very very classy as well. Somehow you maintain your usual class, even as you ruthlessly tickly our funny bones. Exceptional.

That battle is another award winner. In fact, the three major battles thus far all deserve awards. That was how good theyw ere. This one is very unique in the sense that it implements buttloads of strategy and an analytical brain. I highly doubt that anyone else but you could have come up with that.

Do not bother about thsoe who deliberately bring you down. You've already shown yourself to be one of the best, if not the very best author around. Never lsoe track of that. Jealousy is a powerful tool indeed.

mindripper
7th July 2005, 10:30 PM
Thanks to all who have reviewed. It is you guys that have made the fic what it is. I do not bother about hit and runners, as the fact that they like me in particular must mean that I am doing something right after all. If I were to see those people in real life, I would give them a martial arts demo! Joking. :)

Oh, there will be even bigger battles coming up, in about two or three chaps' time. It will be big, and it will be long. That will be when we are into the tourney for real, and every match will be very intense. Do stay till the climax, because that will erase every boundary of writing you know, and rewrite said limits. You may think that I am boastful, I say wait and see, and have some trust. I will pop back sometimes to answer questions.

ALso, anyone who wants me to review can PM me. Also, anyone who feels that I may have forgotten to review can also PM me to remind me. Have a good day!

billy5772
7th July 2005, 11:39 PM
Great chapters [4,5,6], sk0rpripper! I'm just kidding, but do you guys know each other or something?

The bit with the insults at the end of chapter 4 was awesome! The whole:


“I mean, you made fun of my cap!!! Do you know how many postcards I had to send in?? I practically went to hell and back for this cap, and you guys call the cap too stuffy??”

Man, that was funny. ‘Cause one would expect him to be offended because they were calling him stupid, but instead…*sigh*.


“Do NOT get sexist with me, Mr. Ketchum, and spill your guts now, before I spill them for you.” Our heroine growled, waving a fist for a threatening effect.

I just thought that was hilarious; “before I spill them for you.”


“Ash, I called reception just now and asked about the itenary

Ah! Should be “itinerary”.

And interesting delve into Misty’s lack of direction/purpose in her life. At least that’s what I thought you were getting at with her not being sure how to answer Ash’s question about what she would do besides be “cooped up in that gym”.


…blow, before landing with all the subliminal skill it possessed.

Subliminal? Like sublime skill? ‘Cause Subliminal means something else entirely. Oh wait, or do you mean like skill that the pokemon itself wasn’t even conscious of (that’s some deep running skill)? ‘Cause if you meant it that way, it makes sense.


The worst part was that he did not know what the something was; he only knew he had to find a solution, a stop-gap measure to allay the growing fears in his heart.

I think you did a very good job of showing how frightened Ash felt after having witnessed the skill of the other trainers. And this line was cool because I know what that feels like; having to do something to prepare, but not being exactly sure what it is you need to do.

And great job with the Brock dream sequence! That was pretty funny, I must say, ol’ chap(?).

This is the problem with late reviews; everyone’s already said a lot of the things that I had to say. Well, I’m gonna comment on the battles now:

The Hitmonlee v Hitmonchan battle was pretty cool. I got a little confused at first because I kept forgetting which one was the kicking one and which one was the punching one, but that didn’t last for long as you did a VERY good job of accentuating each of their individual strengths throughout the battle; having lee use all those kicks and having chan use a lot of punches.

I won’t comment on the ballroom description as everyone has already given you those accolades.

The Tyranitar vs. Gengar battle was awesome too! I liked that better than the Hitmonchan v Hitmonlee battle. It was really cool how you chose to illustrate the Dream Eater attack. That was creative^23. Your interpretations of moves are very innovative, and I like that. One thing, though; would skill swap really allow Gengar to be able to use hyper beam? When I was reading it, I was thinking “oh, he made the tyranitar levitate so that the hyper-beam would be too high to hit him” but you not only used skill swap to throw the hyper-beam off target but also to switch moves? I don’t know. That’s like sketch or something.

Um,…I’m trying to think what else I want to comment on…I don’t know. Eh, you used a LOT of metaphorical language while describing attacks and Pokemon’s moods and things. It got a little excessive at points, but…I don’t know. It wasn’t really a problem, but EVERYTHING does not need to be compared to something else; it gets kinda tiring to keep reading through “…like a small child finding out there’s no more ice cream left” or “…like an ice cream truck with no tune” or “…like a cone lacking ice cream” or “…like the cold ice cream that compliments the warm apple pie beneath it” or “…like a fish trying to breath in an aquarium filled with nothing but ice cream” after every move description.

They are very helpful in some places, though. Like, there was one instance where you said something “evaporated like an ice cube in hell” or something like that. That was great, I just felt you went over-board sometimes. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?! No one else complained, so it probably isn’t really that big a problem if a problem at all.

Okay, that is the review. Sorry it took me so long to read it, but, to quote my sig and custom user title; “SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS!”

AAAAAAHHHHH! Mindripper!!! I just finished this review and now I see that there is another chapter up right before I was about to post it! I’m not even gonna log in now. Sheesh. I’m about to go read some more of my SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS! [/mock frustration] I’m just kidding, but now I gotta go, so I’ll finish tomorrow I guess.

Here's a little of mah chapter 7 review. I'm just gonna edit this post when I finish it.


Misty felt a tad guilty over what had just conspired over the past few minutes and tried to make it up to her friend.

Did you mean “transpired”?


the happy demeanour reminiscent of a diabetic patient on dialysis for too long.

I knew someone that had to be on dialysis, and they weren’t too happy. Was this supposed to be like irony/sarcasm or something, ‘cause yeah. Dialysis is not a happy thing. Or were you going for a kind of fake happy? Is that what you were trying to say?

Shadowcat
8th July 2005, 6:41 AM
i read the chappies and see that Misty is quite the usual Big Mouth.

Brock's cooking was looking delicious the way you describe it.

I love this fic.