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SnoringFrog
1st August 2005, 7:27 PM
The Saddened Journey

This fanfic is about a boy who has lost all of his family to disasters predicted by Absols. Now he hates Absols and seeks to destroy every one of them especially the one he blames for his mother's death.

Chapter 1
One summer evening eleven year old Eric was playing out in a field outside of Retywell Village, his hometown, with his Pokémon, Eevee and Minun. He was rolling around on the ground as a cool breeze blew trough his black hair. He loved summer evenings; he could stay out in the field and play with his Pokémon forever. He continued to wrestle and roll around with his Pokémon, and then he looked up and noticed the unpleasantly familiar white fur and curved horn of an Absol. Its horn was glowing, a sign that a disaster was coming. Like so many other people, Eric saw Absol as the one who brought the disasters, not the messenger that tried to warn people of Ho-oh's wrath. Seeing that Absol enraged Eric, he had lost his father in a disaster predicted by an Absol three years ago. Ever since then, he had hated all Absols and sought to destroy every one he could find, but he hadn't seen any until now.

He started the battle quickly, and intended to end it quickly as well, “Eevee, use take down! Minun use thundershock!” He yelled, he had been training for this day ever since his father died; he wanted to travel so he could find more trainers to battle, but his mother needed him to help around the house and he had already defeated everyone in his town and his Pokémon already knew a lot of hard-to-learn moves,. The Absol dodged the thundershock only to be slammed against a tree by Eevee's take down. The Absol then let loose an extremely powerful gust of wind that sent Minun flying. "No! Minun!" Eric screamed as the yellow mouse-like Pokémon crashed into the ground and fainted. “Eevee use return!" he yelled as he put Minun back into its Poké ball, Eevee went charging at the Absol colliding into its horn with a massive amount of force, breaking the horn, insuring that this Absol would never predict another disaster, but because of the force of the impact, Eevee was injured severely. "Alright, Eevee, c’mon, we’ve almost won! Let's finish this with an iron tail!" Eevee's bushy tail started to glow and hardened as he charged toward Absol, trying to ignore the its pain, but as he neared Absol it countered with a rock smash, causing Eevee to lose it's footing; then Absol crouched down like it was preparing for a skull bash but there was an orange light forming in its mouth. As Eevee stood up Absol suddenly charged at it with amazing speed and rammed it with a skull bash, immediately following it with a hyper beam. The hyper beam had sent Eevee flying straight into Eric, hurling them both to the ground and knocking them both unconscious.

When Eric awoke he saw no sign of the Absol, but off in the distance he noticed an odd funnel shaped cloud. A tornado. Eric stood up, clutching the unconscious ball of brown and white fur that was Eevee to his chest, and ran back into Retywell. "I've got to warn everybody," he thought, “if I don't they will all probably die." He reached his house and barged in the front door, yelling to warn his mother. His mother came running down the stairs and grabbed Eric. "Are you sure it was a tornado?" she asked hurriedly.

"Yes, there's no doubt about it, Mom, it was a tornado."

"Alright, now go down to the basement and wait while I warn the rest of the village."

"But Minun's still out there!" he cried, “But what if you get hurt?”

“Don't worry," his mother said calmly, “ I’ll be alright, just wait here. I’ll come and get you after the storm passes. I’ve got to go now, there’s not much time, I love you, Eric."

“I love you too, Mom,” Eric responded weakly, “Be careful,” he said as he wiped the tears from his eyes and watched his mother run out the door.

Eric went down into the basement and curled up in a corner, still clutching Eevee tightly, trying to prepare himself for the disaster that would be upon the town shortly. After what seemed like days, he felt the house trembling and heard the roar of the tornado as it tore through the town, ripping roofs off houses, shattering windows, slamming trees and streetlights into houses, completely destroying everything. He was so terrified by what he could hear going on outside that he passed out.

Unknown to Eric, while he was knocked out, the young couple George and Hannah Saffron arrived in Retywell. They had come to visit George’s brother, but when they got there, they were shocked to find the town in ruins. George’s brother had just recently moved to Retywell and this was their first time visiting, so they didn’t know their way around town. All they knew is that George’s brother’s house was the only one with a yellow roof. They saw part of a yellow roof nearby and went to check it out. After a short search, they found George’s brother, his body lying on top of his dead Beedrill, its stingers piercing through his chest. It was late in the evening, so they did a brief inspection of the town, but couldn’t find any survivors, and started to leave when they heard a muffled moan coming from nearby. When they went to go see what it was, they found a young boy, probably around the age of nine, lying unconscious under a small pile of rubble. He looked fine except for a small but deep gash on the back of his head.

“What do you think we should do with him, Hannah?”

“I don’t know, I guess we could take him to a hospital,” she answered.

“Yes, that’s right, doesn’t your sister live in Goldenrod City not too far from here? We could take him to the hospital there and stay with her for the night, then tomorrow morning we could come back and get my brother,” George said, picking up the boy and laying him in the back seat of the car.

“That sounds like a good idea,” she said, and then they both got in and drove off to Goldenrod City.

When he awoke, he saw that Eevee was no longer with him, so he went up the stairs to what used to be his house to look for it. It was completely annihilated, the glass from the windows was stuck into the furniture, which was strewn about the room, and some of the chairs had splintered against a wall leaving pieces of wood all over the floor. Eric looked out through the gaping hole where the front of the house used to be and saw that the tornado had destroyed everything else too. He called for Eevee and it came bounding around the corner, happy to see that its trainer was still finally awake. He started too walk around the town to see if there were any other survivors. Everything had been completely destroyed, all of the stores, houses, cars, trees, everything was in ruins. There were bodies strewn about in the streets. When he finally found what was left of his best friend’s house, he began to search for his friend, hoping he was still alive. He found his friend under a fallen wall, his body twisted into a gruesome position, covered in blood from his many open wounds, his blonde hair covered with debris; his neck was broken as well, “No, Tim,” Eric said, crying looking at his friends dead body. He couldn’t bear the sight any longer, so he got up and continued looking through the rubble, hoping to find another survivor. He stopped at one point and began to look around, then a tree branch came crashing to the ground behind him, he jumped at the sudden noise and spun around to see what it was. He could see that there was a body impaled on the branch, but he couldn’t see the face because his eyes were still filled with tears. He went closer and wiped his eyes out to see who it was. What he saw terrified him. It was his mother, he blood covering he body and the branch, “Mom!? No! Mom..." Eric sobbed. As he wept, he took her pendant off her neck and looked into the tear shaped peridot for a moment. "Noooo!" He screamed, “She can't be gone! Why, Ho-oh!? Why did you let this happen!?" He cursed Ho-oh and all Absols, especially the Absol that had predicted the disaster. He looked around and realized that it was getting dark. “I’d better gather some supplies and find a place to sleep,” he said as he placed the pendant around his neck and stood. After he had gathered some food and water, he went back to his basement to try and get some sleep. He cried himself to sleep while thinking of his mom, and Tim and all the great times they had had together.

The next morning, when he woke up, he returned Eevee and went out to look for more supplies, he found some Poké balls and potions and put them into the tattered bag he had picked up. Then he got up and started to head out of the town, he planned to go to Ecruteak, it wasn’t any more than a two hour walk from Retywell, and he needed to get his Pokémon healed at the Pokémon center. As he neared the outskirts of the town, he stopped for a moment to look back at the ruins of Retywell, still not believing that all he knew, his mother, his friends, his entire life, was gone. Then he turned and continued on his way to Ecruteak.

Eric had been walking about an hour when he neared a group of Zubats fluttering around. He watched them as they dove in and out, eating mosquitoes, gnats, and other small insects. It reminded him of all the times his dad had to chase Zubats out of the attic for his mom, “She is- was. She was always so scared of them," he thought, "Was." He tried to prevent the tears from coming but he couldn't. He fell down on his knees, buried his face in his hands, and sobbed.

Eventually he calmed down enough to be able to continue on his way to Ecruteak, but before he did, he captured one of the Zubats. Then he continued on his way, his bitter tears wetting the dry soil as he walked the lonely road to Ecruteak. Everything he knew was gone, all he had were his Pokémon, and his mother’s pendant, a constant reminder of what the Absols had taken from him.

End of Chapter 1.

That paragraph with the couple and the 9 year old is sorta an introduction to another fic I might start, I am curretly working on C2, and it should be up shortly.

Total Shadow
1st August 2005, 11:42 PM
Wow... that didn't take very long! ^^
I like the parts you added! Keep going with that... stuff!

SnoringFrog
2nd August 2005, 7:31 PM
Here's the new C2! This chap changed alot.

Chapter 2

It had a little over a month since Eric had arrived in Ecruteak, but it already seemed like a home to him. When he had first arrived, he first went to get his Pokémon healed at the Pokémon center. It had only taken a few minutes for Zubat to be fully healed, so he went out and trained Zubat for the rest of the afternoon, battling it against Caterpies, Poliwags, a few young trainers, and other weak Pokémon around the area. When he went back to get his Pokémon and get a room for the night, he found out that all of the rooms were full, so he had to sleep on a couch in the lobby. The next day, he decided to explore the town and try to find a place where he could stay. He didn’t feel right asking some random person if he could stay with them, so he went to an old, abandoned tower. The sign in front of the building read, “Burned Tower,” he walked in and looked around, “Well, it’ll have to do I guess,” he thought to himself. “That old bench over there looks like it would make a better bed than that stupid couch at the Pokémon center,” He thought as he recalled the countless times he had awoken with a thud on the floor the previous night.

For the rest of the day, Eric just walked around Ecruteak, battled some trainers, bought a few Poké balls, and trained his new Zubat. Dusk came upon the town quickly, so Eric made his way to the Burned Tower, sat down on the old bench he had seen earlier, and thought about what had happened the past few days. Just three days ago, he had been wrestling with Tim out in the field, playing tag, and wondering what was his mom was making for dinner. He never imagined that it would all end so quickly, that everything he ever knew would be taken from him so suddenly. It had been hard enough when his dad had died, that was three years ago, and he was just starting to get used to life without him, and now this. He lay down on the bench and tried to close his eyes so that he could get some sleep, but every time he did, he saw the lifeless bodies of Tim and his mother. He wept for hours, he still couldn’t believe they were gone; he finally fell asleep, exhausted.

Later that night Eric awoke. It was unusually cold for a summer night, and he could tell that he was not alone. It was an eerie sensation, as if some otherworldly being was watching him, observing his every move. He wondered how long this had been going on, had it been happening for a while, or did he wake up when it started? He sat up, looked around the room, and thought he saw something move, but when he looked again, there wasn’t anything there. Then, suddenly, the presence was gone, and it began to warm back up. Eric got up and decided to make a more thorough examination of the tower. He was inspecting an odd statue when the floor suddenly fell through. He looked around and found himself in a fairly large room underneath the tower. Ahead of him were three doglike shadows, but when he tried to get closer the Pokémon fled with amazing speed and grace out of the tower, leaving Eric standing there, mystified. Shortly afterwards Eric again felt the presence of the specter behind him. He turned and saw a dark purple Pokémon, with an impish grin on its face and glowing red eyes that seemed to pierce through him and inject fear directly into his heart. It was a Gengar. There was a man with the Gengar; he had a sky blue shirt with yellow on the elbows and around the bottom of it and dark blue jeans. There was a headband the same shade of blue as his shirt in his blonde hair and a necklace composed of two black bands around his neck. He looked at Eric and spoke, “Why are you down here? The only people allowed into the Burned Tower are the caretaker and the elders.”

“Who are you? And why was your Gengar spying on me?”

“I am Morty, the caretaker and bell keeper of both the Burned and Tin Towers, as well as the Ecruteak City gym leader. My, Gengar often comes here to make sure that no one is disturbing them or intruding on their territory.”

“Who are ‘they’?”

“The mystical dogs and servants of Ho-oh, Entei, Raikou, and Suicune, the three Pokémon that you saw fleeing when you arrived and awoke them from their slumber. Come now, you shouldn’t be here, we will talk at the gym.” Morty said as he turned and walked away, Gengar fading away to follow them from the shadows.

After arriving at the gym, Eric told Morty about what had happened to him the past few days, up until when the mystical dogs had fled from the tower. “I see,” you can sleep here in the gym for the night, tomorrow I will take you to someone who I believe will let you stay with her until you decide to continue on your journey.”

The next day, when Eric finally woke up, he went to go find Morty. When he found him, Morty greeted him with a smile. “Eric, you finally woke up! Follow me; I want to introduce you to someone.” He said as he led Eric to a small house not too far away from the gym. “Eric this is Susan,” Morty said, nodding towards the elderly woman who greeted them at the door, “she used to be caretaker of the towers and is a very good friend of mine. She’s a great cook, and she said she wouldn’t mind if you stayed with her for awhile.”

“Hello, Eric!” Susan said merrily, “Come in and sit down. Why don’t you stay too, Morty? I just pulled a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven.”

“I would love to, Susan, but I’ve got to get back to the gym, I’m supposed to give a lecture in a few minutes.”

“Well, okay then,” she said, closing the door behind Eric, “Looks like it’s just you and me then,” she said to Eric as he took a cookie off the plate she handed him. Susan asked him about how he had come to be in Ecruteak, so Eric explained to her what he had explained to Morty the night before.

Eric had trained with Morty three days a week for about a month after that, but then he decided it was time for him to leave. During that time, his Zubat evolved into a Golbat. Its leathery wings grew larger, and the purple on the inside of them darkened, its body became larger as well, and its skin darkened to a deeper shade of blue. On top of this, its fangs lengthened, and two eyes formed near the top of its head. Before he left, Susan had given a weird, gray, half-backpack thing she called a sling pack to replace the old, torn up one he had found in Retywell, a few supplies, and one TM 29 that she said she got from a weird guy in Saffron City that had told her she wanted it. Eric had tried to give it back to her, telling her that none of his Pokémon could use it, but she insisted that he take it, so he finally gave up and stuffed it in his bag. He had then gone to talk to Morty about where he should go next.

“You should probably head to New Bark town,” Morty had said, “it’s southeast of here, they’re accepting registrations for the Johto League there, but New Bark’s to far away for you to make it in one night. So you will have to head to Violet City first, then you could head to Cherrygrove. Then New Bark town will only be about a thirty or forty minutes walk from there.”

“How far is it to Violet City?” Eric asked him.

“It should only take about four or five hours to get there.”

“All right, I guess I’d better get going. If I don’t leave now I might not reach Violet City by nightfall.” Eric said as he walked towards the door.

“Alright, but you better come back sometime and challenge me to a gym match.”

“Sure thing, but be prepared, because you won’t stand a chance against me when I get back.” He said as he left the gym and started towards Violet city, Eevee prancing happily at his heels.

And that’s where he was now, standing just outside of the town, looking back at the old, charred, Burned Tower, and the new, magnificent, Tin Tower. He turned towards Eevee and said, “Eevee, we’ve only been here a month, but it’s already become like a home to me. I can’t wait until we get back and battle Morty for our gym badge. We’ll be so much stronger then. Just you wait and see.” Then he turned and continued on his way towards Violet City.

End of Chapter 2.

Total Shadow
3rd August 2005, 12:10 AM
Yeah, you really did change a lot!
I like how included the doggies. (Me loves Entei, and Umbreon's the best!!!)
.::Total Shadow::.

SnoringFrog
7th August 2005, 10:28 PM
Here's the new C3! Not much changed.

Chapter 3

As Eric walked towards Violet City, he talked to Eevee.

“Eevee,” he started, looking around at the trees that lined both sides of the path, “how much farther do you think we have to go? We’ve been walking for five hours and still haven’t seen any sign of Violet City.” He looked back over his shoulder in the direction of Ecruteak, but he was too far away to see either of the towers that overlooked the city.

“Ee. Eevee.” Eevee replied with a disappointed frown on its normally cheerful face.

“We are not lost! I’m just- not sure exactly where we are.” He said with a sigh, and then he looked up and noticed a sign a little farther down the road. He ran over to the sign excitedly, hoping it said something like, “Now entering Violet City,” or at least “Violet City 2 miles,” but when he got to it he saw that it read, “Violet City 20 miles –>”

“What the heck!” Eric screamed, “Twenty miles?! That can’t be right, I’ve been walking for five hours, and I still have to go twenty more miles? How fast does Morty walk?”

Meanwhile back in Ecruteak. “Oh stink!” Morty blurted out in the middle of a lecture he was giving at the gym.

“What is it Morty?” One of his students asked.

“Nothing,” he replied and continued with the lecture. “I can’t believe I told Eric that the walk was five hours.” he thought, “that’s how long it took when I rode on my friends Ponyta.”

Back on the trail to Violet City. “Eevee, the sun is starting to set, and we need to find a place to stop for the night. So keep an eye out for anywhere we might be able to sleep, a cave, an old house, or whatever.

“Eevee.” it replied, glad that they were going to actually, not keep walking through the night.

After about thirty-five more minutes of walking, Eric spotted a cave that looked like it would make a good shelter for the night. He went in, took his pack off, and sat down against the wall of the cave to rest for a little while before going to sleep. After he sat down he let Minun and Golbat out of their Poké balls.

“Gol, Golbat.”

“Mi. Minun” The Pokémon cried, happy to be out of their Poké balls.

“Alright guys go ahead and-,” Eric started but was interrupted by a soft, scared, “Teddi?” He looked up and saw a little, ginger colored, bear Pokémon with a white crescent shape on its forehead. It was sucking on its paw, and staring at him with a confused look as if to say, “When did you move in?”

“Wow, a Teddiursa,” Eric sighed, “ I’ve heard that these are supposed to be rare around here, and that the people who do find them usually don’t catch them because of, something, I can’t remember why. Anyways, go, Golbat! Use wing attack!” Golbat quickly flew towards Teddiursa and hit it in the face with its wing.

“Teddi!” the small bear cried as it began swinging its paws about, trying to hit Golbat with a fury swipes attack. Golbat easily dodged and dove in for another wing attack. It connected in the exact same spot as before, knocking Teddiursa to the ground.

“Alright, Poké ball go!” Eric yelled as he tossed the sphere from his hand, the red and white appearing to blend as it spun through the air, but before it reached Teddiursa, it was smacked aside by a large paw. The Poké ball broke apart as it slammed into the granite walls of the cave, and there was a ferocious bellow from the rear of the cave, as a large, russet colored, bear like figure emerged from the shadows. “Now I remember why nobody catches Teddiursas,” Eric whimpered, “It’s because their very protective mothers, Ursaring, are always nearby!” He yelled, jumping up and grabbing his pack, he made a bolt for entrance, but before he made it, the Ursaring jumped out in front of him and let loose another horrendous roar.

“URSAAAA!” the enraged mother bellowed, taking a step towards the terrified intruder that had been foolish enough to enter her cave and attack her cub.

Eric’s heart was pounding, he was petrified, and he couldn’t think of what to do. “Eevee!” he yelled suddenly, “use shadow ball!” Eevee came out from cowering behind Eric’s trembling legs and released a ball of dark energy from its little mouth. The ball sailed towards Ursaring and collided right into the center of the ring on its chest. Ursaring looked at its chest, and then released another bellow, forcing Eric to cover his ears. “How could I forget that ghost-type attacks don’t have any effect on normal type Pokémon,” he thought, “Morty told me that a gazillion times! Alright, Eevee, use return!” Eric commanded. The little fox raced toward the enormous bear and attempted to pound it with its return attack but was stopped by a brutal slash attack to its side.

“Eevee!” it wailed, as it collided violently with the stone wall of the cave.

“All right, Golbat, supersonic! Minun, use spark!” Golbat released an earsplitting shriek that disoriented Ursaring to the point of confusion. Then Minun rushed in, crackling with electricity as it sprung at Ursaring.

“Ursa!” The bear roared as it cut off Minun’s attack with a confused slash, the hair on its arm burning from making contact with the electricity discharging from the yellow rodent’s body. Then Ursaring lost control of itself, gave into rage, and began thrashing about wildly. As it thrashed it violently slammed its muscular arms into the wall of the cave, causing large amounts of rock to fall from the roof of the cave. Minun was struck by one of the falling boulders and knocked unconscious.

“Eevee! Use quick attack then follow it up with an iron tail and hidden power!” Eric yelled, returning Minun while trying to make his voice audible above the din of the destruction going on around him. “Golbat! Use leech life!” Eevee went darting across the floor of the cave, dodging rocks and other debris as they fell from above. When it got close to the raging Ursaring, it lunged and stuck it in the face with its now silver tail. Ursaring wailed in pain and began flailing its arms about wildly, seeking to find the source of its immense pain. Then Eevee’s entire body started to glow with an odd aura, then a ring of small balls of energy formed around it. Eevee fired the balls of energy in all directions, narrowly missing its master’s head, but colliding into Ursaring’s feet, chest, and face savagely, causing it to cry out in pain once more. Then Golbat swooped in, barely avoiding the falling boulders as it got a hold of the back of Ursaring’s neck, sunk its fangs in, and began sucking the life out of the vexed brute.

“Ursa!” The Ursaring yelled as it jerked its head back and forth, trying to remove its attacker from the back of its neck. Finally, it succeeded in reaching back, yanking Golbat off its back, and pitching it at the wall of the cave. After colliding with the wall, Golbat collapsed in a heap on the floor.

“Golbat, are you okay?” Eric yelled worriedly.

“Gol, golbat.” It cried weakly, struggling to get back into the air.

“Can you still fight?”

“Gol,” it replied, finally regaining its place in the air.

“All right, Golbat, use glare! Eevee use return!” Golbat locked eyes with the Ursaring, paralyzing it with sheer terror, then Eevee came charging up and brutally assaulted Ursaring with its return attack, sending Ursaring flying out the mouth of the cave. “Okay, Eevee,” Eric said, running for the mouth of the cave, “Let’s finish it with a skull bash!” Eevee lowered its head for a moment, and then it charged at the Ursaring for all it was worth and collided into its chest with a sickening crunch.

After this, the Ursaring writhed in pain for a moment, and then fainted with one last “Ursa,” exhausted from such a fierce battle.

“Great job you guys, especially you, Eevee. Eevee?” Eric looked over at Eevee and was startled to see it glowing and changing shape. It grew in size as its body became more muscular. Its fur darkened until it was pitch black, and lost some of its bushiness and became smoother.

“Umbreon,” was all that it said. The once brown and white fox was now a sleek, black, animal with golden rings on its legs and ears, as well as one on its head and one on its tail. It was still fox like, but now it had more wolf like characteristics as well.

“Wow, Eevee, you evolved. Now you’re an Umbreon, but I don’t care for that name too much so I am going to call you Shinkage, ‘ the true shadow.’”

“Umbre, umbreon,” it said as it nodded in agreement.

“Alright, Golbat, Shinkage, I think would should get away from here and try to find another shelter before Ursaring comes around.” Eric said, walking away from the cave. Then he turned to Shinkage and asked, “Shinkage, can’t Umbreons learn psychic?” he asked, pulling the TM Susan gave to him out of his bag.

End of Chapter 3.


End of Chapter 3.

If you want to read chapters that have been edited by S:C come here (http://s12.invisionfree.com/Pokemon_Realm/index.php?showtopic=16). Only chapters 1 and 2 have been edited, but Chapter 3 should be done in a few days.

Noelor
11th August 2005, 12:43 AM
Well, I can't stay too long to pass comment, but this is not bad at all. No more cliched than a trainer fic has to be I guess, and though the description is satisfactory at best you're pulling the plot together quite soundly. My one main criticism, and this is just me anyway, is that perhaps at 11 Eric is being portrayed as rather more mature about death than I would expect. Also, when did Minun get back? I don't think you ever explained that. Not much else to say, your grammar slips up in places, but that's nothing a good beta reader wouldn't fix. Anyways it's getting late over here in merry old England, so I'll be off. Best of luck with this.

-DC

SnoringFrog
11th August 2005, 12:47 AM
Minun was retuned in chapter 1, shortly after being knocked out.

Odem General
11th August 2005, 3:04 PM
Reviewinggggggggg..........now ok this is good very good, i can see that the chapters are better but a couple of things for future reference um (not trying to sound patronising just that i dont know if you know n stuff)

1 try not to use the same word in the same sentence or repeatedly over a section try and use varied words (you have so dont matter too much)

2 um paragraphs were a good size but try not to let thhemm become to big otherwise people get put off n stuff.

That'll do. Very good keep it up

Nylf
11th August 2005, 3:25 PM
;330; S'alright. Maybe have him try not catching every pokemon he meets. I mean, he doesn't have a pokedex, so there's no point.

;359; Cut Absol some slack, sheesh.

;373; Description mid, could be better, but it's not bad. Lengths fine and the plot's differant, to say the least.

Omi and Jack have nothing to add.(Well actually Jack does, but he daren't say it for fear of Rayquaza.)

lone_wolf816
12th August 2005, 6:49 PM
I like how you gave a clearer veiw of chapter 2 and 1!! Good job!!

;197;

Total Shadow
12th August 2005, 11:53 PM
Wow, you're right; it's practically the same.

Meta Kyogre
16th August 2005, 1:32 PM
Ok, here's one of the few reviews I have to do. I think this is quite good, interesting plot. As I'm sure some readers have said there could be some more description in places. Length is ok maybe a bit more would be nice but it's not essential. The plot is coming along really well also. I'll try and review more of the chapters as you write them while I'm not staying up way too late watching black adder and room 101. anyway you've got a great fic here so as I always say good luck and keep up the good work.

SnoringFrog
18th August 2005, 4:17 AM
Chapter 4

"Finally, Violet City," Eric sighed, "Next time I see Morty, I'm gonna' rip him apart. 'Three or four hours,” he said, and look, here I am in Violet City. FIFTEEN HOURS LATER!! And that's not including the battle with Ursaring and sleep," he added. He didn’t feel like trying to make the trip to Cherrygrove yet, so he dropped his Pokémon off at the Poké center and decided to go visit the Ruins of Alph.

Eric approached the ruins slowly, marveling at their size. As he approached the entrance to one of the chambers, he saw a sign. He walked up to it and read it aloud, “Ruins of Alph- Main chamber. These ruins were discovered shortly after the founding of Violet city. Unusual symbols line the walls, but no one knows for sure what they mean. Some people believe that these ruins have a connection with the Tanoby ruins in the Sevii Islands, which have the same symbols on their walls.” When Eric entered the ruins, an ancient, musty smell reached his nose, a sign that these ruins had been here for a very long time.

While Eric was wandering around the ruins, looking at the odd symbols on the walls and wondering what they meant, and who put them there, he had the odd feeling that someone, or something, was watching him. At one point, he thought he saw a dark figure dart out from the shadows behind him, but when he turned around, there was nothing there; so he continued on, constantly listening for any sound, and watching for any movement. He eventually convinced himself that it was just his imagination, and went back to trying to figure out the meaning of the writing on the walls. While he was studying a certain string of the ancient looking symbols on one of the old, dust-covered, walls, he again got the feeling that something was watching him.

“It’s just my mind playing tricks on me again, I’m the only person in here,” he thought as he continued contemplating the meaning of the peculiar symbols, but he could not shake the feeling that he wasn’t alone. No matter what he tried to think about, the haunting feeling still lingered about him. “Maybe I’ll feel better if I listen to some music,” he thought, so he got out his radio and turned it on, but the only thing that would come in was this weird music. “Berrr unt…… berrr unt berent….. berrr unt…… berrr unt berent…..,” over and over and over, with a constant beating of a weird, somewhat drum-like instrument in the background was the only sound he could get. He tried every station he could, but the eerie sound was all that his radio would pick up.

“Ahh! Dangit! Stupid radio!” he yelled as he flung the radio to the ground and stomped it into pieces. “There, now I don’t have to listen to that stupid music anymore,” he said disgustedly, as he turned to proceed with his lonely excursion. However, when he turned he saw four figures levitating in a row in front of him. They resembled the symbols that were located all over the ruins, two of them having one, short, horizontal knob extending from each side of their large white eye and a longer vertical column connected to each of the knobs. Each one of other two had a large circle around their solitary eye, connected to it by a small knob located at the bottom of their eye.

“Eeeeennnnnooowwwnn!” The odd shapes cried.

“Wha- what are you?!” Eric shouted as he rushed past them, knocking them out of his way in his haste to get back to Violet City, away from this terrifying Ruins of Alph.

“Eeeeennoooowwwnnn!” The Pokémon cried again as the boy rushed past. “Why didn’t he understand?” They wondered, “All we tried to do was inform him of the truth, help him, let him know what really happened.”

Eric ran into the Poké center and fell to the ground, “Ow,” he said as he stood back up, “I missed the door,” he went through the door and sat down on one of the couches, panting heavily from his terrified flight from the ruins and his run in with the building.

“Excuse me, but are you Eric?” Nurse Joy asked him.

“Yes, that’s me,” he replied, still breathing heavily.

“Your Pokémon are fully healed,” she said. “I’ll just put your Poké balls here on the counter and you can come pick them up when you’re ready.”

“Okay,” he said, as he walked over to the counter to get his Poké balls. Then he went over to the V-phone (visual phone) and called Morty. In a few moments Morty appeared on the screen.

“Hello, Eric!” Morty said, trying to act as innocent as possible. “I see you made it to Violet City, how are you doing?”

“Don’t you play dumb Morty. You know good and well it’s not a three or four hour walk to Violet City from Ecruteak. It took me fifteen hours to get here, and that isn’t counting sleep or my run in with a very angry Ursaring.”

“Oh, it’s not a three hour walk? Oh, sorry, that must be how long it takes a Doduo or a Ponyta.”

“Morty, you had better be glad I can’t reach through this phone because if I could I would rip your face off!”

“Well, I am glad that you can’t, actually, because I know that you would.”

“Oh, just shut up before I send Golbat up there to beat you to death.”

“You’re Zubat evolved?” Morty asked, relieved to change the subject.

“Yeah, it evolved during the battle I had with Ursaring, and so did Eevee.”

“What did Eevee evolve into?”

“It evolved into an Umbreon and I named it Shinkage.”

“That’s great Eric! Did anything else happen?”

“No,” Eric lied, not wanting to tell Morty how he got freaked out in the Ruins of Alph, “that’s everything.”

“Alright then, I’d better go, I’ve got a lecture I need to prepare for.”

“Okay, see you again later,” Eric said as he punched the ‘End’ button.

Eric had already decided that he wasn’t going to head to Cherrygrove until the next morning, and he still had about two and a half hours of daylight left so he went out to route 31, a path that was mostly located in-between two rock faces, to see if he could find anyone to battle. He didn’t have to search long before he found a brown haired trainer named Tyler who wanted to battle. He was wearing an olive green t-shirt and black jeans.

“How does two Pokémon apiece sound?” Eric asked.

“That’s fine with me. Alright, let’s get this started, go, Hitmonchan!” Tyler yelled.

“Okay then, go, Golbat!” Eric responded.

“Chan chan hitmon,” The muscular, brown Pokémon cried as it punched the empty air with its red boxing gloves.

“Gol!” Golbat shrieked as it flapped its leathery wings.

“Hitmonchan! Use mach punch!” Tyler yelled as Hitmonchan moved with amazing speed towards Golbat.

“Golbat! Dodge up and use toxic!” Eric commanded. The blue Pokémon flew up into the air, just narrowly missing being pummeled by the mach punch. Then it released a dark purple mass from its mouth onto Hitmonchan’s head, badly poisoning it.

“Hitmonchan! Use sky uppercut!”

“Golbat, try a glare attack!” Eric retorted. Golbat locked eyes with Hitmonchan, paralyzing it with its horrifying glare, but not in time to stop the sky uppercut from colliding with its jaw. “Alright, Golbat, Hitmonchan can’t move now so take your time and use razor wind and follow it up with a wing attack.” Immediately Golbat started up a whirlwind and after strengthening it a considerable amount, sent the gust of wind flying at Hitmonchan, simultaneously dashing at the paralyzed punching Pokémon and assaulting it with its wings.

“Hit…mon…chan,” it moaned as it fell to the ground.

“Hitmonchan, return. You put up a good fight, pal,” Tyler whispered to Hitmonchan as it faded away into its Poké ball. “Okay, this one’s for Hitmonchan. Go, Berserker!” He hollered as a round, sepia colored ape with gray bands around its wrists and feet appeared.

“Primape! Pri, primape!” it bellowed as it finished materializing.

“Okay, Golbat. Use aerial ace!” Eric yelled.

“Berserker, use brick break combined with an ice punch!” Golbat rose briefly in the air then sped towards its opponent with unmatchable speed, while Primape reared back its fist, which now had ice crystals forming on it, preparing for an attack. Golbat’s aerial ace collided with Berserker just as he released his punch, pummeling Golbat into the ground. “Alright, Berserker, use thunderstorm!” Primape’s entire body started crackling with electricity, especially his right fist; then he released a bolt of electricity from his body and punched Golbat at the same time a stroke of lightning struck Golbat, enveloping it in electricity and causing monumental damage.

Eric didn’t even wait until the dust that had been kicked up from the brutal attack settled to recall Golbat, he knew there was no way any flying type, except maybe the legendary Zapdos, could have withstood an electric attack of that magnitude. “You did good, Golbat, you deserve a long rest.” Eric said quietly, as he put Golbat’s Poké ball back on his belt. “Okay, I know you’re at a disadvantage but I believe in you, you can do this, trust me. Go, Shinkage. Let’s finish this.” He said compellingly, as Shinkage materialized in front of him.

“Berserker, focus energy, then focus punch.” Primape began to blaze with energy then it pulled back its fist, closed its eyes, and began to gather as much of its energy into its fist as possible.

“Shinkage, use agility and tackle to break its focus then follow it up with a shadow ball-hyper beam combo.” Umbreon nodded and darted towards Primape, slamming it with a fierce tackle attack and then firing a huge mass of dark energy out of its mouth directly followed by an orange beam that pierced through the center of the dark mass just as it connected with Berserkers dazed figure, creating an enormous explosion that sent them both sailing backwards. Shinkage flipped in mid-air and landed on its feet, but Berserker careened into a nearby tree with a sickening thud. Then Eric watched in fear and admiration as Berserker stood back up, ready to continue the brawl.

“Berserker, use dynamic punch on Umbreon.”

“Oh no,” Eric thought, “that’s one of the most powerful fighting type moves there is. What should I do?” Then he got an idea, “Shinkage, use double team and wait until Berserker gets closer. When he does use screech.” Shinkage split into several mirror images of itself and when Berserker was about five feet away from it, it released an earsplitting screech that echoed off the canyon walls and caused Berserker to miss the replica it was about to hit completely.

“Arrgh! Berserker use cross chop combined with fire punch and thunder punch.”

“Shinkage, wait until the last moment then use that new move I taught you.”

“Umbreon,” it replied, signifying that it understood. Then Shinkage simply stood there, motionless, while the raging Primape came charging madly towards it, one fist encased in flames, the other crackling with electricity, both raised high above its head. Umbreon knew that if Primape’s attack hit him, the result would be devastating, but he had complete trust in his trainer, and he waited, preparing to use his psychic attack.

Primape was closing the gap between them quickly, it was twenty feet away, fifteen, ten, five, “NOW!” Eric screamed at the top of his lungs as Shinkage suddenly became shrouded with a blue light, releasing the psychic attack, hurling Berserker backwards almost one hundred feet, and ending the vicious battle.

“Berserker return,” Tyler said, “You did your best, and that’s all I’ll ever ask of you.” Then he walked over to Eric, “That was an awesome battle,” he said, sticking out his hand, “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“Thanks,” Eric replied cheerfully, accepting the handshake, “I’ve never seen anyone battle like you did before either. Oh, and by the way, what kind of an attack is thunderstorm? I’ve never heard of it.”

“Thanks,” he said, “Thunderstorm is a combo I taught my Berserker so he could deal with flying types. It is thunder, thunderbolt, and thunderpunch, all at the same time.”

“Wow, do you mind if I use it? I think it would be great for my Minun to learn.”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead and use it. It’s fine with me.”

“Alright, maybe I’ll get to use it in a battle against you someday.”

“Yeah, that’d be cool,” Tyler said, “Well, we probably should head back to Violet City and get our Pokémon healed at the Poké center.”

“You’re probably right,” Eric said, laughing as he they turned to head back towards Violet City.

End of Chapter 4.

All right, not much changed this time either, but it was more than C3.

lone_wolf816
18th August 2005, 5:06 AM
well it has more description and it was longer? Keep it up and i cant wait for the current chapter!>_<

;133;

Noelor
18th August 2005, 10:14 AM
Well, this was good, you're very good at writing the action scenes and you have a flair for analysing the possible techniques that could be used. One thing I would warn you of though is that, in the pokémon you're using, you seem to be clichéing a bit. It's not that important when you write so well and use the pokémon in creative ways, but sometimes it does seem a bit idealistic.
Not much else I can say, I look forward to your next chapter.

-DC

SnoringFrog
19th August 2005, 10:37 PM
Alrighty, here's chapter 5, again not much changed. I probably only changed 50-60 words.

Chapter 5

“Well, I guess this is where we split up,” Eric said, disappointed that he and Tyler were headed in opposite directions.

“Yeah, I hope I get to see you again sometime, I’m looking forward to our next battle.”

“So am I,” Eric said, “And don’t forget, when you go through Ecruteak say ‘hi’ to Morty for me and good luck on your gym battle!”

“Thanks, and don’t worry, I won’t forget.” Tyler said as he headed off towards Ecruteak.

“Bye,” Eric said as his new friend walked off in the direction of Ecruteak. Then he turned and started to head for Cherrygrove City. While he was walking he began thinking back on his time in Ecruteak, his run in with the legendary dogs, his stay with Susan, and all his training with Morty. Then, suddenly, his thoughts ended as a young girl ran into him.

“Oomph!” she grunted as she fell to the ground.

Eric looked down at the girl and started, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going and didn’t see you coming. Here, let me help you up.”

“Thanks,” the girl said as she brushed off her denim skirt and straightened her black top, “Sorry about running into you. By the way, do you know which way it is to Cherrygrove?”

“Yeah,” Eric said, noticing how beautiful the girl was, “That’s where I’m headed, you can come with me if you want.”

“No thanks,” she replied while pulling her gorgeous black hair up into a ponytail, “I prefer to travel alone, and besides, I don’t plan to leave until after dark, and you look like your leaving right now.”

“That’s fine,” Eric said plainly, disguising his attraction completely, “If you change your mind, feel free to come catch up with me, the name’s Eric.”

“Okay, but I doubt that’ll happen,” she said brusquely, “and I’m Kionna, by the way,” she said as she walked off towards the Poké center.

“Wow, she’s hot,” Eric thought while he gazed after Kionna, “But it doesn’t really matter, I’ve got no time for girls. Besides, if she traveled with me she would eventually find out about me trying to rid the world of Absols, and even though they cause all the disasters, I’m sure most other people would object to that way of thinking, so traveling with her or anybody else would just cause trouble.”

Eric walked until almost dark, and then he found an empty cave near a stream. It looked like a good place to stay the night and wash up a bit, so he sat down near the entrance to the cave, took his pack and his mother’s pendant off and laid them next to him, his pack on his left and the pendant on the right. Then he got up and went to go wash the dirt off his face and hands; when he was finished he went to go get some of the food he had brought with him out of his pack and noticed a pair of eyes watching him from inside the cave. “What is that?” he wondered, and began to walk over towards it. Suddenly, a black bird Pokémon with an odd shape that resembled a hat on its head darted out of the cave, taking Eric’s pendant with it. “Hey get back here!” Eric yelled furiously, grabbing his bag and then chasing the Murkrow as it flew away contentedly. Eric pursued the Murkrow for a long time, but then, it went through a group of trees and he lost sight of it. “What the Latias!” he cursed angrily, looking all around for the Murkrow, “How the heck did it disappear like that?” he wondered aloud. Then he realized that he had absolutely no clue where he was. “Crap,” he said disgustedly, “That little creep got me lost. Now how am I supposed to get to Cherrygrove City?”

While Eric was standing there on the mountain trail Murkrow had led him onto, he noticed a rustling in the bushes on the side of the trail.

When he threw a rock into the bush he heard a soft “Ab,” and watched as an Absol came out of the bush, eyeing him threateningly.

“Absol!” Eric said, startled, “This is what I’ve been waiting for. Go, Shinkage! Golbat!”

“Breon.”

“Gol, golbat.”

“Alright, Shinkage, use shadow ball, Golbat, use mean look.” Eric commanded, then Golbat glared at Absol menacingly, enraging Absol to the point to where it would finish the battle, no matter what the consequences might be. “Good,” Eric said, returning Golbat, he was not going to let this one get away. Then he watched as Umbreon expelled an enormous amount of dark energy out of its mouth, sending it hurtling towards Absol with amazing speed, but before it reached him, Absol countered it with a shadow ball of its own. The two masses of darkness collided with a massive explosion, creating a shower of dirt and rocks that rained down on Eric and the two battling Pokémon, making it hard for Eric to see what was going on. Then suddenly, all the rubble started swirling together in a whirlwind, “Oh stink,” Eric said as the whirlwind released all the debris it contained in a sharp wind. He buried his face in his arms to try to avoid some of the rubble, but it didn’t help much. He was still pelted viciously with bits of dirt and small rocks. Because of the high speed of the wind, the dirt felt like glass as it cut into his arms and neck. “Shinkage!” He yelled, choking on the dirt that was swirling around him, “Use take down!”

“Umbreon!” it cried as it stormed towards Absol. Absol jumped over Umbreon at the last second, causing it to crash into the granite wall behind him, creating a large hollow in it and sending more rocks coursing through the air. Then the Absol ran down the wall and pummeled Shinkage with a devastating skull bash.

“Shinkage, use hyper beam.” Shinkage promptly formed a saffron colored orb of energy in its mouth as Absol jumped up to slash Shinkage’s back, and then released it into Absols underside, sending it soaring into the dust-filled sky. “Now, use agility to run up the rock face and use iron tail!” Eric hollered to Shinkage as the black fox scaled the rock face with amazing speed and determination, its tail turning a dull gray color. When it reached Absol, it jumped off the cliff and assaulted it mercilessly with its metal like tail, hurling Absol into the ground with an immense amount of force, creating a large crater. A few seconds later, Shinkage landed effortlessly nearby the tattered Pokémon. “Good, now finish it off with crunch!” Shinkage looked at its trainer with a confused look on its face, the battle was already over, they had won, “You heard me, finish it!” The black fox paused for a brief moment, and then bit down firmly on Absol’s defenseless throat, attempting to end the vile creature’s miserable life, but before it could there was a shout.

“Hey, you! What are you trying to do to the thing? Kill it?”

Eric looked up in quickly, cursed under his breath and said, “You got lucky this time, you monster, but next time you won’t be so lucky, I can assure you of that,” he finished as he recalled Shinkage and fled into the darkness.

Moments later Kionna reached the wounded Absol. “What kind of a person would do this to a Pokémon?” she wondered, as she pulled out a Poké ball and dropped it onto Absol. It pinged instantly, so she picked it up and ran towards Cherrygrove as fast as she could. “I have to get Absol to the center quickly or it will die,” she thought, “I hope I can get it there soon enough, this Absol’s life depends on it. For some strange reason, I feel like I’ve met that person before, somewhere. Ah, never mind, I’m probably just imagining it,” she convinced herself as she continued towards Cherrygrove.

“Aargh! I almost had it! But that stupid girl had to come ruin it at the last second! If she hadn’t come, I could have killed that Absol. Well, it’s over now, I’d better get to Cherrygrove, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll find that Murkrow, and I can get Mom’s necklace back,” he said to himself as he walked towards Cherrygrove City, he hoped.

End of Chapter 5.

Hopefully, I'll get chapter 6 up soon, then I can get on with chapter 7! Yay!

Nylf
21st August 2005, 5:14 PM
;359; Psycotic Monster! Trying to kill a poor Absol. I aught to send Amidamaru after him just to teach him a lesson!

(Amidamaru)Actual;359; Yeah, no stupid Umbreon could beat me. I've taken down Salamences, Regis, other Absols and almost every pokemon except Rayquaza(Mainly 'cos when S.F. borrowed me to help catch it, he caught it so I can't say I beat it can I. And his Sceptile and Flygon did most the work).

;330; Cina, Amidamaru I always get first post unless you're on your own. Anyway don't mind those two. Great chapters. Really interesting. If Eric and Kionna do end up travelling together, I wonder what he thinks of her new Absol? Hope he has to two-on-two battle alongside it, that would be really good.

;359; That reminds me. Eric and Kionna sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

;330; Cina, please cut it out.

lone_wolf816
23rd August 2005, 12:13 AM
;359; Psycotic Monster! Trying to kill a poor Absol. I aught to send Amidamaru after him just to teach him a lesson!

(Amidamaru)Actual;359; Yeah, no stupid Umbreon could beat me. I've taken down Salamences, Regis, other Absols and almost every pokemon except Rayquaza(Mainly 'cos when S.F. borrowed me to help catch it, he caught it so I can't say I beat it can I. And his Sceptile and Flygon did most the work).

;330; Cina, Amidamaru I always get first post unless you're on your own. Anyway don't mind those two. Great chapters. Really interesting. If Eric and Kionna do end up travelling together, I wonder what he thinks of her new Absol? Hope he has to two-on-two battle alongside it, that would be really good.

;359; That reminds me. Eric and Kionna sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

;330; Cina, please cut it out.


Cina did that iin my fic too! anyway i liked this chapter because it had more description and length!

;197;

SnoringFrog
23rd August 2005, 1:34 AM
(Amidamaru)Actual Yeah, no stupid Umbreon could beat me.

Shinkage;197; I'm not stupid! *attacks Amidamaru*

Nylf
23rd August 2005, 4:34 PM
;330; I know Cina's annoying, but unfortunatly her Amidamaru has a close friend, which is one of my pokemon(IE: he's level 100!)

(Tsunami)Actual ;382;: Right, who's picking on me best mate!? Ah, an Umbreon. Well say goodbye! (Uses Water Spout, mixed with Thunder, mixed with Ice Beam, mixed with Surf)

;330; Sorry about Tsunami, hope Shinkage is okay for the next chapter. Anyway, can I recommend a shipping(I nicked the idea of Cina) and a trainer?

Shipping= Oppositeopinionshipping(EricxKionna)

Trainer:
Name:Richy
Gender: Dude
Description: Brown Haired, with a grey hoody and grey tracksuit bottoms, and a white t-shirt and black trainers.
Pokemon: Espeon(Sun),Umbreon(Set), Blaziken(Cole), Flygon(Sara), Swampert(Glado) and Sceptile(Cong).
Personality: Loner.

SnoringFrog
23rd August 2005, 11:41 PM
I'll try to see if I can put him in some where, but I'm not sure, if I do though, I don't think I could use Sun,Set, or Sara. I've got plans for an Espeon and a flygon, and obviously, I've already got espeon and I try not to repeat pokemon with characters too much. The others should be fine, and if I use him, do you mind if I give him other pokemon? And what's his eye color?

Nylf
24th August 2005, 3:39 PM
;330; You can change Sun and Set, but Sara has to stay! It wouldn't be a signuture S.F. team without Flygon. If you want you could put him in before Flygon appears, and with Trapinch or Vibrava, depending how early.

SnoringFrog
26th August 2005, 11:43 PM
EDIT: SF: I'll try to put him in somewhere, I just got an idea on how to put Sara in, not sure if it'll work though. It will be awhile before I put him in though.

Here's chapter 6! BTW, I edited chapter 1, 2, and 3 a little bit. Only the stuff about Zubat/Golbat though. I'll post them right after I post this.

Chapter 6

“Finally, Cherrygrove city,” Eric panted as he walked towards the Pokémon center. He had not stopped walking to rest all night long, and he felt like he was about to collapse, which he did, right after he gave Nurse Joy his Poké balls and started to head over to one of the couches to sit down.

“Oh dear, are you okay, honey?” Nurse Joy asked compassionately as she handed him to one of the Chanseys and told it to take him to a room. The Chansey carried him into the only room that was unoccupied and laid him down on a cot. “Si, chan chan,” it said softly as it laid a blanket over him and left the room.

“Where am I?” Eric wondered aloud as he awoke, “And why does my head hurt?” He looked around and realized he was in a Pokémon center. He got up, grabbed his bag, and went to get his Poké balls from the front counter. When he got out to the lobby, he saw the Kionna talking to Nurse Joy with a worried look on her face.

“How is he?” Kionna asked nervously, “Is he going to be alright?”

“Yes, Absol looks like he’s going to be just fine. He just needs to rest for a few days. It’s a good thing you got him here when you did though. Any later and he might not have survived. What did you say happened to him again?” Nurse Joy asked Kionna.

“Absol!” Eric thought, “Could she have been the one who stopped me last night?”

“I was coming here, to Cherrygrove,” Kionna told Nurse Joy, “From Violet City last night, when I heard a Pokémon yelping out in pain. When I went to see what was happening, I saw a trainer standing over a Pokémon that was obviously finished battling, commanding his Pokémon to attack it, and probably kill it. I yelled at him and he took off running, then I captured Absol and brought him here as fast as I could.”

“That’s just terrible!” Nurse Joy exclaimed, “What kind of person would do such a thing!”

“So it was her,” Eric realized, “That beautiful, stupid girl’s the reason I couldn’t kill Absol last night.”

“I don’t know,” Kionna replied, “But at least Absol’s gonna’ be okay,” she said as she turned to leave. As she turned around she noticed Eric, “What took you so long to get here?” she asked him, “I left six hours before you and I still got here before you did.”

“I got lost,” Eric told her, “Some stupid Murkrow stole my pendant, and I got lost trying to chase it down.” Kionna didn’t respond in any way, she just turned around and walked out the door. Eric watched her leave and then turned to Nurse Joy, “ What happened to me? I remember walking in and giving you my Poké balls, but after that, I don’t remember anything up until when I woke up this morning.”

“After I took your Poké balls,” she answered him, “You started to head to the couches but collapsed on your way there, so I had Chansey carry you to a bed.”

“Oh,” he said, “I guess the trip took more out of me than I thought it would.” He laughed as he took his Poké balls and left the Pokémon center.

When he got outside, he saw Kionna standing a few feet away, with a concerned look still on her face. He went over to her and began talking to her with mock sympathy, “Hey, I heard you talking to Nurse Joy about Absol,” he said, “Since it has to stay here are you going to leave and come back for it or just stay here?”

“I think I’m going to stay here,” she answered softly, “When I found Absol, it was torn up pretty bad, and I want to be nearby incase anything happens to it.”

Eric looked at her then said, “Alright, I’d probably want to stay near it too if I was in your place. Well, I’ve got to get to New Bark Town, so I had better get going.” He said as he turned to go to New Bark Town.

In about an hour, Eric had almost reached New Bark Town. “Well, at least Morty was right about this trip,” he said, “If he was as far off as he was last time it probably would have taken me at least eight hours to make this trip.” While he was discussing this with himself, he happened to look up and see a Murkrow sitting in a large oak tree ahead of him. When he looked at it closer, he noticed that it was wearing his pendant. “Hey you! Murkrow! Give me back my pendant!” He roared at the top of his lungs while Murkrow sneered at him, “Oh, you think it’s funny? Well let’s see how funny you think this is, Minun, go, use thundershock! Minun materialized out of its Poké ball and fired a small jolt of electricity towards Murkrow, but the black bird easily dodged it and began to fly away. “Hey! Where are you going?!” Eric bellowed as Murkrow continued flying towards New Bark Town, guffawing as the silly boy started to attempt to chase it down. It knew very well that it could lose the boy quickly among the trees, but that wouldn’t be very much fun; so it flew slow enough to stay within the boy’s sight, but fast enough to prevent him from catching up. After Eric had been chasing Murkrow around in a big circle for about twenty minutes, it turned and headed into New Bark Town. “Get back here you stupid bird!” Eric yelled angrily as he ran towards New Bark Town after Murkrow.

As Eric came panting into New Bark Town he saw that Murkrow was standing in the middle of the town with its back turned, “Alright, Minun,” he whispered quietly, “use thunderbolt on Murkrow then rush in with agility and take Mom’s pendant back. Got it?”

“Mi, minun,” the blue-eared mouse replied, nodding its head. Then it fired a bolt of electric energy at the unaware Murkrow. The attack was about to make contact when out of nowhere there was a shout.

“Go, agility now! Get in between that thunderbolt and Murkrow!” Suddenly, a golden-brown blur shot out in front of Murkrow and intercepted the thunderbolt, but it didn’t seem affected by the attack. Eric looked at it, puzzled for a moment, then he noticed the russet spines, and the golden body, along with the piercing white claws, and he realized why it hadn’t been affected by Minun’s thunderbolt, it was a Sandslash, a ground type, and it was completely immune to electrical attacks. “Hey! What are you trying to do to my Murkrow?” Eric looked up to see a brown haired girl wearing a black skirt and a turquoise top running towards him, “Why were you attacking my Murkrow?” she asked in an irritated tone while swinging her brown messenger bag around to her back and straightening her red hat, “It wasn’t bothering you in any way at all.”

“Your stupid bird stole my pendant.” Eric said, raising his voice slightly.

“Murkrow is not stupid!” she yelled angrily, “and he found that pendant a day or too ago, he did not steal it from you.”

“Yes, he did. It was lying near the mouth of the cave I was by when he darted out and flew off with it!” Eric yelled as the girl returned Sandslash to its Poké ball.

“I don’t believe you, but since you seem so intent on having that pendant, so wadda’ ya’ say we battle for it…uh, what’s your name?”

“Eric, two on two’s fine with me…and yours?”

“Crystal, and it’ll be a two on two battle, but we should probably leave town, just in case our battle gets violent.”

“Okay, then why are we still standing here? Let’s go so we can get this battle started,” Eric said plainly, as Crystal led him to an open area by a lake not too far from the town. “Alright, Minun, Golbat, go! Let’s teach this girl a thing or two about battling.” As each Pokémon got ready for battle, it cried its name.

“Mi, minun!”

“Bat bat, golbat!”

“Murkrow, Feraligatr, let’s do this!” Crystal yelled as a large, blue, alligator like Pokémon with red, triangular spines on its back materialized in front of Crystal.

“Whoa, that thing is huge,” Eric thought while looking at the numerous white daggers that lined the inside of Feraligatr’s jaws, “I hope I can beat it.”

“Ferrrralllligatoooorrrrrrr!” The massive creature bellowed, causing Eric’s chest to vibrate.

“Murrrrkrrowwwww!” The black bird screeched, as it gave the pendant to Crystal and flew out onto the battlefield.

“I’ll start off,” Crystal said confidently, “Feraligatr, use take down. Murkrow, use steel wing.”

“Minun, use spark on Feraligatr, Golbat, counter it with your own steel wing.” Feraligatr got down on all fours and charged at Minun with amazing speed for something of its size, while Minun began dashing towards it, its skin coursing with electricity. At the same time, Murkrow and Golbat flew towards one another rapidly, each one’s wings glowing with a silver hue, spinning as they got close to make sure their wing made contact with their opponent. Both attacks connected and both Pokémon cried out in pain as they felt the force of being slammed with a wing made of steel. As Feraligatr got within range of Minun, it lunged, plowing through the small yellow mouse, hardly feeling a tingle from the spark attack as Minun was sent hurtling backwards through the air, crashing into the ground and skidding violently across it.

“Golbat, use sludge bomb, Minun, use thunderbolt.”

“Murkrow, use faint attack to dodge it, then hit it with a peck attack. Feraligatr, use iron tail then charge in and hit it with metal claw.” Golbat released a mass of filthy sludge at Murkrow, but it missed as Murkrow seemingly disappeared into thin air, only to reappear again behind Golbat as it swooped in and began to madly drive its beak into Golbat’s defenseless backside. Minun had fired a bolt of electricity at Feraligatr, but Feraligatr was using its tail to ground itself and was not affected by the attack the beast then proceeded to deal Minun a crushing blow from its now silver claw. “You’ll never win that way,” Crystal sneered, “My Feraligatr can stop any electric attack you throw at it by using iron tail to ground itself, and your Minun’s puny physical attacks are obviously not going to work.”

“Alright, let’s switch it up then. Golbat, use razor wind on Feraligatr. Minun, charge up and get ready to use thundershock on Murkrow when it gets close.”

“Feraligatr, use bite to stop Golbat. Murkrow, dive in and use steel wing on Minun.” As a fierce whirlwind formed in front of Golbat, as Feraligatr began running towards it. Murkrow, its wings again glowing with a silver hue, dove towards Minun, who was crackling with electricity. As Murkrow collided into Minun with its solid metal wings, the little mouse released a small burst of energy into its assailant as it cried out. Meanwhile Golbat released its fierce gust of wind. The attack connected and cut a slash across Feraligatr’s chest, but the reptilian beast paid no attention to its wound as it sprung at Golbat. Golbat narrowly dodged Feraligatr jaws as its attack hit the tree behind where Golbat had been, ripping a huge chunk of wood out. “Okay, Feraligatr,” Crystal said, “use earthquake, Murkrow use drill peck on Minun,” Crystal commanded as Feraligatr spat out the wood in from its mouth.

“Golbat, use confuse ray on Feraligatr, Minun, jump!” Eric yelled, hoping his plan would work.

Minun jumped, landing on Murkrow’s back just as Feraligatr unleashed a devastating earthquake that caused the nearby trees to collapse, and fissures to open up in the ground. Then Golbat released a small ball of light from its mouth. The little glowing ball began to circle Feraligatr, and for some unknown reason, it seemed to fill it with rage, and cause it to roar and bellow madly while thrashing viciously about, attempting to extinguish the ball of light, but every time it swung, its claws passed harmlessly through the annoying ball. “Minun, try to hold on and charge up a zap cannon. Golbat, hit Feraligatr with a wing attack,” Eric told his Pokémon.

“Feraligatr, use hydro pump on Golbat, Murkrow, try to shake Minun off your back,” Crystal responded. Feraligatr fired a powerful stream of water at Golbat, but at the last moment, Golbat moved to the side. However, it was not quite fast enough and was sent plummeting into the ground, but Feraligatr didn’t have enough willpower left to control its hydro pump, due to the lingering effects of the confuse ray, and Murkrow was also brutally blasted by the powerful water attack.

Although Murkrow managed to stay in the air, it was now drenched in water, and as it continued trying to shake Minun off its back, Eric yelled out, “Minun! Use zap cannon now!” Minun released an immense amount of electric energy out of its body and into Murkrow’s, the water acting as a conductor and amplifying Minun’s powers a considerable amount, sending the bird crashing into the ground as the shocking rodent barely avoided the impact by hopping off at the last moment.

Crystal returned Murkrow, whispering to it as she placed its Poké ball back in her bag. Then she yelled, “Feraligatr! Use hyper beam on Golbat!”

“Golbat, hurry! Use confuse ray on Feraligatr on once more!” Eric hollered, he knew there was no way Golbat could avoid the attack, but he figured he should try to leave Minun with the biggest advantage possible. Feraligatr fired an orange beam into Golbat, sending it careening into Eric, but not before an all to familiar ball of light began to circle around Feraligatr once again. This time Feraligatr went on a rampage, and would not listen to any of the commands Crystal gave to it. “Now, Minun! Hit it with a thunderbolt!” Feraligatr began to charge madly towards Minun, ignoring its trainer’s voice telling it to use iron tail. As it continued charging, Minun’s thunderbolt connected with Feraligatr, causing it to roar in pain and stop for a brief moment.

“Minun, run into the lake and begin charging!” Eric yelled. If Feraligatr did what he thought it was going to do, this battle would be over very soon.

Crystal screamed as the rampaging behemoth went plunging into the water after Minun, “No! Feraligatr wait! Don’t go in the water!” but it was too late, as Feraligatr neared Minun Eric yelled.

“Now! Minun, use thunderstorm!” Minun released all of its energy into its opponent, the water multiplying Minun’s power to colossal proportions, just as Feraligatr collided into Minun with a sickening crunch. The entire lake crackled and sparked with electricity, and steam began to rise from the surface of the lake. For a brief moment that seemed like days to the two trainers, they both struggled to see what had become of their Pokémon, awestruck at the power Minun’s last attack, and wanting to know the outcome of the battle. As the steam faded away into nothing, the Pokémon could be seen floating on the surface of the water, both unconscious. Feraligatr had never stood a chance against Minun’s thunderstorm in the lake, and with the combined force of releasing all its energy and being pummeled by Feraligatr’s enormous body, Minun could not hold on anymore, and it blacked out.

“Well, I guess that means it was a tie,” Eric said as both he and Crystal returned their Pokémon to their Poké balls, “So how are we going to decide who gets the pendant?”

“We could have another match, one on one, winner gets the pendant.”

“Alright,” Eric agreed, “Let’s go. Shinkage, it’s your turn, come on out!” he yelled as his Umbreon appeared in front of him.

“Okay, then I’ll choose you, Dawn!” Crystal yelled as she threw a Poké ball and a sleek purple fox materialized in front of her, the red jewel on its forehead glowing, and its forked tail elegantly waving back and forth.”

“An Espeon?” Eric thought, “What is she thinking? Psychic types are extremely vulnerable to dark types and dark types are immune to psychic attacks. I’d better stay alert, because I’m sure she has some type of trick up her sleeve.”

End of Chapter 6.

Please R&R! Constructive criticism is always appreciated!

lone_wolf816
27th August 2005, 12:08 AM
EDIT: SF: I'll try to put him in somewhere, I just got an idea on how to put Sara in, not sure if it'll work though. It will be awhile before I put him in though.

Here's chapter 6! BTW, I edited chapter 1, 2, and 3 a little bit. Only the stuff about Zubat/Golbat though. I'll post them right after I post this.

Chapter 6

“Finally, Cherrygrove city,” Eric panted as he walked towards the Pokémon center. He had not stopped walking to rest all night long, and he felt like he was about to collapse, which he did, right after he gave Nurse Joy his Poké balls and started to head over to one of the couches to sit down.

“Oh dear, are you okay, honey?” Nurse Joy asked compassionately as she handed him to one of the Chanseys and told it to take him to a room. The Chansey carried him into the only room that was unoccupied and laid him down on a cot. “Si, chan chan,” it said softly as it laid a blanket over him and left the room.

“Where am I?” Eric wondered aloud as he awoke, “And why does my head hurt?” He looked around and realized he was in a Pokémon center. He got up, grabbed his bag, and went to get his Poké balls from the front counter. When he got out to the lobby, he saw the Kionna talking to Nurse Joy with a worried look on her face.

“How is he?” Kionna asked nervously, “Is he going to be alright?”

“Yes, Absol looks like he’s going to be just fine. He just needs to rest for a few days. It’s a good thing you got him here when you did though. Any later and he might not have survived. What did you say happened to him again?” Nurse Joy asked Kionna.

“Absol!” Eric thought, “Could she have been the one who stopped me last night?”

“I was coming here, to Cherrygrove,” Kionna told Nurse Joy, “From Violet City last night, when I heard a Pokémon yelping out in pain. When I went to see what was happening, I saw a trainer standing over a Pokémon that was obviously finished battling, commanding his Pokémon to attack it, and probably kill it. I yelled at him and he took off running, then I captured Absol and brought him here as fast as I could.”

“That’s just terrible!” Nurse Joy exclaimed, “What kind of person would do such a thing!”

“So it was her,” Eric realized, “That beautiful, stupid girl’s the reason I couldn’t kill Absol last night.”

“I don’t know,” Kionna replied, “But at least Absol’s gonna’ be okay,” she said as she turned to leave. As she turned around she noticed Eric, “What took you so long to get here?” she asked him, “I left six hours before you and I still got here before you did.”

“I got lost,” Eric told her, “Some stupid Murkrow stole my pendant, and I got lost trying to chase it down.” Kionna didn’t respond in any way, she just turned around and walked out the door. Eric watched her leave and then turned to Nurse Joy, “ What happened to me? I remember walking in and giving you my Poké balls, but after that, I don’t remember anything up until when I woke up this morning.”

“After I took your Poké balls,” she answered him, “You started to head to the couches but collapsed on your way there, so I had Chansey carry you to a bed.”

“Oh,” he said, “I guess the trip took more out of me than I thought it would.” He laughed as he took his Poké balls and left the Pokémon center.

When he got outside, he saw Kionna standing a few feet away, with a concerned look still on her face. He went over to her and began talking to her with mock sympathy, “Hey, I heard you talking to Nurse Joy about Absol,” he said, “Since it has to stay here are you going to leave and come back for it or just stay here?”

“I think I’m going to stay here,” she answered softly, “When I found Absol, it was torn up pretty bad, and I want to be nearby incase anything happens to it.”

Eric looked at her then said, “Alright, I’d probably want to stay near it too if I was in your place. Well, I’ve got to get to New Bark Town, so I had better get going.” He said as he turned to go to New Bark Town.

In about an hour, Eric had almost reached New Bark Town. “Well, at least Morty was right about this trip,” he said, “If he was as far off as he was last time it probably would have taken me at least eight hours to make this trip.” While he was discussing this with himself, he happened to look up and see a Murkrow sitting in a large oak tree ahead of him. When he looked at it closer, he noticed that it was wearing his pendant. “Hey you! Murkrow! Give me back my pendant!” He roared at the top of his lungs while Murkrow sneered at him, “Oh, you think it’s funny? Well let’s see how funny you think this is, Minun, go, use thundershock! Minun materialized out of its Poké ball and fired a small jolt of electricity towards Murkrow, but the black bird easily dodged it and began to fly away. “Hey! Where are you going?!” Eric bellowed as Murkrow continued flying towards New Bark Town, guffawing as the silly boy started to attempt to chase it down. It knew very well that it could lose the boy quickly among the trees, but that wouldn’t be very much fun; so it flew slow enough to stay within the boy’s sight, but fast enough to prevent him from catching up. After Eric had been chasing Murkrow around in a big circle for about twenty minutes, it turned and headed into New Bark Town. “Get back here you stupid bird!” Eric yelled angrily as he ran towards New Bark Town after Murkrow.

As Eric came panting into New Bark Town he saw that Murkrow was standing in the middle of the town with its back turned, “Alright, Minun,” he whispered quietly, “use thunderbolt on Murkrow then rush in with agility and take Mom’s pendant back. Got it?”

“Mi, minun,” the blue-eared mouse replied, nodding its head. Then it fired a bolt of electric energy at the unaware Murkrow. The attack was about to make contact when out of nowhere there was a shout.

“Go, agility now! Get in between that thunderbolt and Murkrow!” Suddenly, a golden-brown blur shot out in front of Murkrow and intercepted the thunderbolt, but it didn’t seem affected by the attack. Eric looked at it, puzzled for a moment, then he noticed the russet spines, and the golden body, along with the piercing white claws, and he realized why it hadn’t been affected by Minun’s thunderbolt, it was a Sandslash, a ground type, and it was completely immune to electrical attacks. “Hey! What are you trying to do to my Murkrow?” Eric looked up to see a brown haired girl wearing a black skirt and a turquoise top running towards him, “Why were you attacking my Murkrow?” she asked in an irritated tone while swinging her brown messenger bag around to her back and straightening her red hat, “It wasn’t bothering you in any way at all.”

“Your stupid bird stole my pendant.” Eric said, raising his voice slightly.

“Murkrow is not stupid!” she yelled angrily, “and he found that pendant a day or too ago, he did not steal it from you.”

“Yes, he did. It was lying near the mouth of the cave I was by when he darted out and flew off with it!” Eric yelled as the girl returned Sandslash to its Poké ball.

“I don’t believe you, but since you seem so intent on having that pendant, so wadda’ ya’ say we battle for it…uh, what’s your name?”

“Eric, two on two’s fine with me…and yours?”

“Crystal, and it’ll be a two on two battle, but we should probably leave town, just in case our battle gets violent.”

“Okay, then why are we still standing here? Let’s go so we can get this battle started,” Eric said plainly, as Crystal led him to an open area by a lake not too far from the town. “Alright, Minun, Golbat, go! Let’s teach this girl a thing or two about battling.” As each Pokémon got ready for battle, it cried its name.

“Mi, minun!”

“Bat bat, golbat!”

“Murkrow, Feraligatr, let’s do this!” Crystal yelled as a large, blue, alligator like Pokémon with red, triangular spines on its back materialized in front of Crystal.

“Whoa, that thing is huge,” Eric thought while looking at the numerous white daggers that lined the inside of Feraligatr’s jaws, “I hope I can beat it.”

“Ferrrralllligatoooorrrrrrr!” The massive creature bellowed, causing Eric’s chest to vibrate.

“Murrrrkrrowwwww!” The black bird screeched, as it gave the pendant to Crystal and flew out onto the battlefield.

“I’ll start off,” Crystal said confidently, “Feraligatr, use take down. Murkrow, use steel wing.”

“Minun, use spark on Feraligatr, Golbat, counter it with your own steel wing.” Feraligatr got down on all fours and charged at Minun with amazing speed for something of its size, while Minun began dashing towards it, its skin coursing with electricity. At the same time, Murkrow and Golbat flew towards one another rapidly, each one’s wings glowing with a silver hue, spinning as they got close to make sure their wing made contact with their opponent. Both attacks connected and both Pokémon cried out in pain as they felt the force of being slammed with a wing made of steel. As Feraligatr got within range of Minun, it lunged, plowing through the small yellow mouse, hardly feeling a tingle from the spark attack as Minun was sent hurtling backwards through the air, crashing into the ground and skidding violently across it.

“Golbat, use sludge bomb, Minun, use thunderbolt.”

“Murkrow, use faint attack to dodge it, then hit it with a peck attack. Feraligatr, use iron tail then charge in and hit it with metal claw.” Golbat released a mass of filthy sludge at Murkrow, but it missed as Murkrow seemingly disappeared into thin air, only to reappear again behind Golbat as it swooped in and began to madly drive its beak into Golbat’s defenseless backside. Minun had fired a bolt of electricity at Feraligatr, but Feraligatr was using its tail to ground itself and was not affected by the attack the beast then proceeded to deal Minun a crushing blow from its now silver claw. “You’ll never win that way,” Crystal sneered, “My Feraligatr can stop any electric attack you throw at it by using iron tail to ground itself, and your Minun’s puny physical attacks are obviously not going to work.”

“Alright, let’s switch it up then. Golbat, use razor wind on Feraligatr. Minun, charge up and get ready to use thundershock on Murkrow when it gets close.”

“Feraligatr, use bite to stop Golbat. Murkrow, dive in and use steel wing on Minun.” As a fierce whirlwind formed in front of Golbat, as Feraligatr began running towards it. Murkrow, its wings again glowing with a silver hue, dove towards Minun, who was crackling with electricity. As Murkrow collided into Minun with its solid metal wings, the little mouse released a small burst of energy into its assailant as it cried out. Meanwhile Golbat released its fierce gust of wind. The attack connected and cut a slash across Feraligatr’s chest, but the reptilian beast paid no attention to its wound as it sprung at Golbat. Golbat narrowly dodged Feraligatr jaws as its attack hit the tree behind where Golbat had been, ripping a huge chunk of wood out. “Okay, Feraligatr,” Crystal said, “use earthquake, Murkrow use drill peck on Minun,” Crystal commanded as Feraligatr spat out the wood in from its mouth.

“Golbat, use confuse ray on Feraligatr, Minun, jump!” Eric yelled, hoping his plan would work.

Minun jumped, landing on Murkrow’s back just as Feraligatr unleashed a devastating earthquake that caused the nearby trees to collapse, and fissures to open up in the ground. Then Golbat released a small ball of light from its mouth. The little glowing ball began to circle Feraligatr, and for some unknown reason, it seemed to fill it with rage, and cause it to roar and bellow madly while thrashing viciously about, attempting to extinguish the ball of light, but every time it swung, its claws passed harmlessly through the annoying ball. “Minun, try to hold on and charge up a zap cannon. Golbat, hit Feraligatr with a wing attack,” Eric told his Pokémon.

“Feraligatr, use hydro pump on Golbat, Murkrow, try to shake Minun off your back,” Crystal responded. Feraligatr fired a powerful stream of water at Golbat, but at the last moment, Golbat moved to the side. However, it was not quite fast enough and was sent plummeting into the ground, but Feraligatr didn’t have enough willpower left to control its hydro pump, due to the lingering effects of the confuse ray, and Murkrow was also brutally blasted by the powerful water attack.

Although Murkrow managed to stay in the air, it was now drenched in water, and as it continued trying to shake Minun off its back, Eric yelled out, “Minun! Use zap cannon now!” Minun released an immense amount of electric energy out of its body and into Murkrow’s, the water acting as a conductor and amplifying Minun’s powers a considerable amount, sending the bird crashing into the ground as the shocking rodent barely avoided the impact by hopping off at the last moment.

Crystal returned Murkrow, whispering to it as she placed its Poké ball back in her bag. Then she yelled, “Feraligatr! Use hyper beam on Golbat!”

“Golbat, hurry! Use confuse ray on Feraligatr on once more!” Eric hollered, he knew there was no way Golbat could avoid the attack, but he figured he should try to leave Minun with the biggest advantage possible. Feraligatr fired an orange beam into Golbat, sending it careening into Eric, but not before an all to familiar ball of light began to circle around Feraligatr once again. This time Feraligatr went on a rampage, and would not listen to any of the commands Crystal gave to it. “Now, Minun! Hit it with a thunderbolt!” Feraligatr began to charge madly towards Minun, ignoring its trainer’s voice telling it to use iron tail. As it continued charging, Minun’s thunderbolt connected with Feraligatr, causing it to roar in pain and stop for a brief moment.

“Minun, run into the lake and begin charging!” Eric yelled. If Feraligatr did what he thought it was going to do, this battle would be over very soon.

Crystal screamed as the rampaging behemoth went plunging into the water after Minun, “No! Feraligatr wait! Don’t go in the water!” but it was too late, as Feraligatr neared Minun Eric yelled.

“Now! Minun, use thunderstorm!” Minun released all of its energy into its opponent, the water multiplying Minun’s power to colossal proportions, just as Feraligatr collided into Minun with a sickening crunch. The entire lake crackled and sparked with electricity, and steam began to rise from the surface of the lake. For a brief moment that seemed like days to the two trainers, they both struggled to see what had become of their Pokémon, awestruck at the power Minun’s last attack, and wanting to know the outcome of the battle. As the steam faded away into nothing, the Pokémon could be seen floating on the surface of the water, both unconscious. Feraligatr had never stood a chance against Minun’s thunderstorm in the lake, and with the combined force of releasing all its energy and being pummeled by Feraligatr’s enormous body, Minun could not hold on anymore, and it blacked out.

“Well, I guess that means it was a tie,” Eric said as both he and Crystal returned their Pokémon to their Poké balls, “So how are we going to decide who gets the pendant?”

“We could have another match, one on one, winner gets the pendant.”

“Alright,” Eric agreed, “Let’s go. Shinkage, it’s your turn, come on out!” he yelled as his Umbreon appeared in front of him.

“Okay, then I’ll choose you, Dawn!” Crystal yelled as she threw a Poké ball and a sleek purple fox materialized in front of her, the red jewel on its forehead glowing, and its forked tail elegantly waving back and forth.”

“An Espeon?” Eric thought, “What is she thinking? Psychic types are extremely vulnerable to dark types and dark types are immune to psychic attacks. I’d better stay alert, because I’m sure she has some type of trick up her sleeve.”

End of Chapter 6.

Please R&R! Constructive criticism is always appreciated!

Needs a bit more description but other then tha it's a great chapter! Way better then the original! Keep it up!

;197;

SnoringFrog
27th August 2005, 12:13 AM
Thanks! The next update might take awhile, sinceI actually have to write something new, but I've got it planned out in my head pretty well. I just have to sit down and type it.

Angelic Elf Ivy
27th August 2005, 3:33 AM
I like your fic! It's really good! I've only read chapter one, but I'll read more later okay. (Really sad what happedned to all his friends, family, and town.) Keep going with this fic, I like it!

Nylf
27th August 2005, 1:01 PM
;330; Yo! S.F. here! Good-ish chapter. Description needs work, but that's about it.

Felix Feral Fezirix
29th August 2005, 8:22 PM
Do not abuse Amidamaru or you shall face the new and improved Spirit of Pigonchu Sword. Bwahahahaha.[/crap]

Great description, good length, realistic battling, no errors, well-written*immediately gets cocked over the head by Black Pigonchu*

Listen up Earthlings! I want your blaaaahhhd...Give me your blaaaahhd...*Gets cocked over the head by me*

Conclusion: you are great but there is room for improvement.

Saya
29th August 2005, 9:45 PM
*nods* Well, I just finished reading chapter one. Sorry I don't have time to read the rest right now, but I'll slowly work through it when I find the time. With school starting and all, I'm going to have a hard time keeping up with any fics.

Well, I liked it, though some parts seemed a little unorigonal to me, but meh, it's hard to do something completely origonal. Ihere's millions of Pokemon fics out there, so it's extremely hard to find something no one's done yet. You did a fine job on your grammar, spelling, description and length, though you could use a little help on some of your punctuation. Over all it was pretty good, and I promise I will find the time to read the rest.

Keep up the good writing!

~Saya~

skiboydoggy
30th August 2005, 10:29 AM
Well Frog, or Snoring, or Snoringfrog, or something... This is a great fic and really deserves the thumb thingies. AHHHH! Gettoffmethingyyoustupidassyounooooarghhhfreakincr ap...

;005; I say Espeon and Umbreon taste like dog meat!

You eat dog? Ewww...

Anyway, I dare say that although this fic has room for improvement, it certainly is good enough as it is. I say it beats in the Anime any day of the week.

Oh, and go back to reviewing my fic please.

Mighty Hyena
30th August 2005, 5:14 PM
Good stuff so far. You have a very unique writing style, it's easy to recognize.

I also liked how you gave nicknames to random battler's Pokemon. That always bugged me in the games, how nobody ever did that. (I name all my Pokemon after a theme - on my FR game, it's fruit and veggies - my Venusaur is named Avocado.)

Eric so far is an interesting person, he seems very ruthless and determined. One thing, though: right now it looks as though it'll be EricXKionna, which is just so... convenient... falling in love with the first girl you bump into? Oh well. I could be wrong. Sorry.

You're a good writer, and this is one of the better trainer fics that I've come across. Good job! 7/10 so far.

P.S.: *poke* I posted a trainer card request on your art thread, did you see it?

SnoringFrog
31st August 2005, 1:59 AM
skiboy: I'll get to it soon, sorry. I forgot.

Mighty Hyena: nicknames to random battlers pokemon. If you're talking about Tyler, he's not just a random battler, if this goes the way I want it to, he'll be in it alot more. EricxKionna? I don't think that's gonna happen. I really don't think there will be a Ericxanybodyatall, but I might change my mind.

All the other new reviewers: Thanx for reviewing!

skiboydoggy
31st August 2005, 1:07 PM
Thank you Snoring! Oh, and its interesting how you get an Umbreon to battle Absol... Two extremely similar Pokemon pitted against each other.
Hmm... Wonder if you did that on purpose.

whit19
3rd September 2005, 8:46 PM
I've only read chapter 1 and 2. It was interesting about how the plot wasn't about going to a league, but then by the end of the 2nd chapter it looked like Eric DID wanna go into a pokemon league. What happened to trying to kill all the Absols because he believed they were the ones who were starting the storms? (Eric probably gets back into this mission in the next chapter, though...)

Also you never told me what Susan looked like, (Although you might have described her in the next chapter...)

And you didn't describe the zubats, but I'm sure in the later chapters you're using more description, seeing as how when Eric's zubat evolved you described the way Golbat looks.

"he blood covering he body and the branch"

I dunno what that meant.

Also the attacks in the first one were good, but the attacks like take down and hyper beam coulda used a little more description. I mean we know hyper beam came out Absol's mouth, but you didn't say. You just said a orange light was glowing in its mouth, then it hit Eevee with a skull bash attack and followed up with it. Also what did the hyper beam's effect have on the surrounding?

I would think that as the hyper beam streaked towards Eevee, it would be tearing the ground below it apart. Unless it wasn't that strong of course. :p

"The hyper beam had sent Eevee flying straight into Eric, hurling them both to the ground and knocking them both unconscious."

You coulda avoided the second both and taken out the "and" and just said 'hurling them both to the ground, knocking them unconscious.'

But that's just me, the sentence was still good.

I give it a 8/10. :) Keep it up.

Whit19

Negrek
5th September 2005, 7:14 AM
All right, I was pretty impressed with your prologue for the Sevii Islands: Intertwining Destinies co-op 'fic, so let's see how you've improved on this one, shall we?

Chapter One

- Eleven-year-old is hyphenated.

- I mentioned the plural form of pokémon names in my last review, but I'll remind you that most people would write it absol instead of absols, zubat instead of zubats, etc.


Seeing that Absol enraged Eric, he had lost his father in a disaster predicted by an Absol three years ago.
You need either a semicolon where that comma is or a period. These are two complete sentences and you can't hold them together with just a comma.


He started the battle quickly, and intended to end it quickly as well. “Eevee, use take down! Minun, use thundershock!” he yelled, he had been training for this day ever since his father died
There's a bit of dialogue confusion here. You only use a comma at the end of a sentence to introduce dialogue if the sentence doesn't make sense on its own. For example, Jack said, "OMG it's an absol!". Jack said could not stand on its own without the added dialogue, which answers the question "What did Jack say?" However, "He started the battle quickly, and intended to finish it quickly as well." stands well enough on its own. Also, you always set off the name of the person that dialogue is directed to with commas. You did it right in the first sentence but not in the second, and were a bit on and off about it through the rest of the chapter. After the dialogue he yelled is dependent on what is said, so it's decapitalized. Finally, the comma between yelled and he is incorrect and should be changed in the same way as the comma in the previous quote.


“Eevee, use return!" he yelled as he put Minun back into its Poké ball. Eevee went charging at the Absol colliding into its horn with a massive amount of force, breaking the horn, insuring that this Absol would never predict another disaster, but because of the force of the impact, Eevee was injured severely.
Yikes, lookit that sentence! Again, you need that friendly comma after Eevee to show that what Eric is saying is directed at him. Also, there's a period as indicated because you can't connect two complete sentences with just a comma. After that, however, it's just clause after clause. It's rather wordy. Finally, it should be collide with, not collide into.


Eevee's bushy tail started to glow and hardened as he charged toward Absol, trying to ignore the its pain, but as he neared Absol it countered with a rock smash, causing Eevee to lose it's footing; then Absol crouched down like it was preparing for a skull bash, but there was an orange light forming in its mouth.
I'm not sure what you're talking about when you say he charged, trying to ignore its pain. Either refer to Eevee as a him or as an it; using two different pronouns for the same pokémon leads to odd wordings like that. Also, there's an its/it's mistake in there.


The hyper beam had sent Eevee flying straight into Eric, hurling them both to the ground and knocking them both unconscious.
In order to remain in the proper tense you're going to need to remove the had before sent.


"I've got to warn everybody," he thought. “If I don't they will all probably die."


"But Minun's still out there!" he cried, “But what if you get hurt?”
It just seems a bit odd to see these two separate ideas put together in such close association. I mean, it's like on moment he's scared about Minun and then he suddenly remembers he's supposed to be afraid for his mom, too. Also, period, not comma, after cried. I'm not going to comment on further problems with dialogue similar to this, as we've seen a couple examples already and you should be able to fix the rest.


It was completely annihilated, the glass from the windows was stuck into the furniture, which was strewn about the room, and some of the chairs had splintered against a wall, leaving pieces of wood all over the floor.
I would prefer a period or semicolon after annihilated.


He stopped at one point and began to look around, then a tree branch came crashing to the ground behind him, he jumped at the sudden noise and spun around to see what it was.
Again, that's several sentences glued together tenuously. I'm not going to comment on further errors like this since we've already looked at a few examples. Find 'em, fix 'em.


...her blood covering her body and the branch...


She is- was. She was always so scared of them,"
Two hyphens make a dash. -- as opposed to -

All right, I think that this chapter was considerably better than the first. It's certainly written better--much easier to read. The beginning is nicer, too, but I think you continue to have some of the same problems that you were having the first time around.

For example, it was nice that you built up your setting a bit before introducing the absol, but still, it's just sort of dropped from the sky. Okay, Eric is playing, he's happy--Whoah! OMG! Absol! Standing right there! I think that you need to work a bit more on building up the absol's appearance. You know, maybe have Eric notice something else first. Maybe everything goes silent because the disaster pokémon is scaring all of the other pokémon in the area. Maybe the bushes are rustling. Maybe Minun starts to get agitated and Eric stops playing and notices that something's lurking out there. Maybe he thinks it might be a rare pokémon and gets all excited--but then it's not. It's an absol. Gradual buildup really helps to bring out the impact of the absol's arrival. You need to work on keeping up tension and building suspense.

Emotions were also still very off for this, what ought to be a very emotional prologue. I mean, you have these two Saffron people showing up to the desolated town. Both the part where they find George's brother and when they find the random kid are very demoid of emotion. I mean, you just say that they found George's brother, impaled on his beedrill's stingers. There's no real emotion there, and there ought to me. I mean, this is the guy's brother, here. And then when they find the wounded kid in the rubble, they're also just sort of disinterest. Oh, look, there's an unconscious kid there. Gee, maybe we ought to take him to get medical help or something. And then they decide that they're going to leave and come back to deal with George's dead brother tomorrow?! WTF?! Likewise, Eric just kinda leaves his mother there, impaled upon a tree branch, and doesn't even try to move her or bury her or something? Generally, people are kinda concerned with putting their loved ones to rest, not just leaving them out to rot and get picked at by the murkrow.

Eric forgot to go get Minun this time. Or does he not survive this time? You would think Eric would spare a moment to go and look for the little guy, at least.

Still mystefied as to what absol are doing running around wild near Ecruteak. Though I did appreciate your explanations for some of the things that were hazy in the last version, particularly why Eric wasn't a trainer yet. It helps.

Chapter Two


It had only been a little over a month since Eric had arrived in Ecruteak, but it already seemed like a home to him.

- For a guy who has just lost the remainder of his family, all of his hometown, former friends, and possibly a pokémon, Eric seems awful concerned with training his new zubat. 0_o Emotions still need work, here. The contemplation outside the burned tower seems a little delayed-reaction.


"My, Gengar often comes here to make sure that no one is disturbing them or intruding on their territory.”
Zap that random comma, please. Shouldn't Gengar have stopped Eric before he got to the chamber of the beasts instead of just hanging out and watching?

- Isn't Morty a little angry that Eric came and woke the beasts up? If he set Gengar to guard the place, I would expect he had done so to prevent just that.


“I see,” you can sleep here in the gym for the night, tomorrow I will take you to someone who I believe will let you stay with her until you decide to continue on your journey.”
Zap those random quotation marks, too, please.

All right, I liked this chapter considerably more than the original version. Susan is no longer some random lady (yay!) and Eric's relationship with Morty is highlighted more indepth. Still, I can't quite understand why nobody cares that Eric released the beasts. At the least, you'd think Morty'd be a bit ticked to find the kid trespassing. You had many of the same problems with dialogue and with sentence construction here as you did in the last chapter, though, so really watch it. You seem to be making the same mistakes consistently. It is also better to have Eric start his journey this way--it is clear in this version that he'd at least considered it before but been unable to, whereas in the last one it just suddenly occurred to him.

Chapter Three

- Again, hyphens and dashes are two different things. I've used some dashes in this review already; hyphens are used to join compound words, dashes serve a more varied purpose.


Meanwhile, back in Ecruteak. “Oh stink!” Morty blurted out in the middle of a lecture he was giving at the gym.
That scene break isn't done terribly well. Normally, you'd set "Meanwhile, back in Ecruteak." off on its own line, followed by what's going on in Ecruteak as a new paragraph. Also, elipses are ideal here instead of a period, as they sort of indicate a transition and sort of trail off intriguingly, leading us to wonder just what is going on in Ecruteak.


“I can’t believe I told Eric that the walk was five hours,” he thought. “That’s how long it took when I rode on my friends Ponyta.”
Normally, people punctuate thoughts differently than they do dialogue. I personally italicize them, some people put them in single quotes (inadvisable, as in the old days those used to indicate spoken stuff, too) or even don't put any punctuation around them at all. I'd suggest differentiating them from regular speech somehow. Again, ouch, ouch, ouch, this dialogue is punctuated badly. If you really have this much trouble with it, maybe a beta is the best way to go?

- Again, transition back to Eric is not very smooth.



“Eevee.” it replied, glad that they were going to actually, not keep walking through the night.

I think you're missing something after actually.

- Aaaand Minun makes its triumphant return! Oh, wait, nobody noticed it was missing? I think you have quite a bit of a plot hole there.



“Alright guys go ahead and-,” Eric started but was interrupted by a soft, scared, “Teddi?” He looked up and saw a little, ginger colored, bear Pokémon with a white crescent shape on its forehead. It was sucking on its paw, and staring at him with a confused look as if to say, “When did you move in?”

A little slip-up here. Usually you're good with the whole "start a new paragraph for each speaker" thing, but you need to start a new paragraph for the teddiursa. In the second sentence there should be no comma between little and ginger and no comma between colored and bear.

- The comma issues mentioned in the above quote is repeated with the ursaring's description. Fix the same way.

- Hyphenate types. Normal-type, ghost-type. Sorry if I already mentioned that. I forget if I did or not and I'm too lazy to scroll up and search.



“Eevee!” it wailed, as it collided violently with the stone wall of the cave.

No comma between wailed and as. Also, the dialogue here is done correctly.

- Okay, in general there are no commas around color descriptors. A sleek black animal, not a sleek, black, animal. The rule is that you use a comma only where you would normally be able to say and. You would not say "a sleek and black and animal."

- Unless Golbat learns Glare in GSC only (I checked current gen and RBY), then it's not a legal move.

All right, this chapter was considerably better than the initial as well. It still felt rather fillerish to me, but it wasn't as bad as before. The evolution seemed a little more justified here, as did Zubat's evolution earlier on with your explanation of Eric's training. Still not feeling really any emotion, though. This chapter could be in any one of a number of generic journeyfics, really. There's not a lot that makes it stand out in my mind.

Chapter Four


"Next time I see Morty, I'm gonna' rip him apart. 'Three or four hours,' ” he said, "and look, here I am in Violet City. FIFTEEN HOURS LATER!! And that's not including the battle with Ursaring and sleep," he added.
You were missingo out on a bit of punctuation, there. Also, it's uncommon to see two separate clauses dependent upon the same dialogue (he said and he added).


“Berrr unt…… berrr unt berent….. berrr unt…… berrr unt berent…..,”
You're almost never going to stack punctuation like that. There's only three dots ton an elipses and there should be no comma after the one at the end.


“There, now I don’t have to listen to that stupid music anymore,” he said disgustedly, as he turned to proceed with his lonely excursion.
No comma between disgustedly and as.


...two of them having one, short, horizontal knob extending from each side of their large white eye...
No comma before short, and the one after it is slightly iffy. Also, this description of the unown is rather confusing--just a lot of rods and circles and eyes and stuff.

- Between is probably sufficient instead of in-between.

- Commas in front of color descriptors are bad. Not repeating that anymore throughout the rest of the 'fic.

- Game-wise, it's rather impossible to be poisoned and paralyzed at the same time.


mmediately Golbat started up a whirlwind and, after strengthening it a considerable amount, sent the gust of wind flying at Hitmonchan, simultaneously dashing at the paralyzed punching Pokémon and assaulting it with its wings.


...connected with Berserker's dazed figure...



“Thanks,” he said, “Thunderstorm is a combo I taught my Berserker so he could deal with flying types. It is thunder, thunderbolt, and thunderpunch, all at the same time.”

When did he use thunderstorm?

Again, overall better. It was a bit odd for him to have that sudden random outburst over his radio in the Ruins, but I suppose it's somewhat excusable. The battle was certainly better... I'm very glad that thunderstorm didn't appear in this version, though from the looks of it you forgot to change the lines referring to it. If you're going to rip something out don't forget to eliminate all of the related sentences as well, or at least change them to deal with something else.

Chapter Five

- You shouldn't use descriptors such as "gorgeous" to describe someone's physical appearance. Why? Because it means absolutely nothing to the reader. My definition of gorgeous is most likely different from yours, which is different from the next person's. The fact that her hair is gorgeous tells me nothing. It would be much more effective to describe the girl's hair and then note that Eric felt that it was gorgeous. This is much more revealing of both characters and is less corny to boot. Reading about how beautiful/gorgeous a character is makes me feel vaguely ill, and is very stereotypical. I mean, just how often does this totally hawt girl just randomly run into the protagonist? Yes, lots. Go for some subtlety.


...Eric said plainly, disguising his attraction completely...
You'd have to be pretty dumb to not catch on to Eric's infatuation, no matter how neutrally he spoke. Body language is far more important than words in these situations, not to mention that the "beautiful" girl has probably had plenty of experience with this sort of thing, if she makes it a regular habit to be plowing into guys left and right.


Eric pursued the Murkrow for a long time, but then, it went through a group of trees and he lost sight of it.
No comma after then.

- Mean look loses effect as soon as the pokémon that used it is swapped out of battle. Therefore, the absol would be free to run as soon as Golbat was returned, mean look or no.

- Absol have been skull bashing all over the place, here. They don't learn skull bash!

- The last time Shinkage used hyper beam it was orange. This time it's purple.

Okay, this chapter I didn't see much change in (as you said yourself). It still smacks rather much of kiddie romance, which is really not impressive or touching. Also, Eric's past is just sorta randomly dropped into this chapter. The last few have been rather generic--they're just Eric and his journey. Now, all of a sudden it's back to dead parents and absol. It's a bit of an odd shift, almost as though you realized that you were deviating a bit and then decided to try to jerk things back on track. Eric hasn't been thinking about his family much lately. It takes considerably more than a month to get over that sort of thing. Not to mention the utter devastation that he witnessed in the town after the tornado. He saw dead bodies, many belonging to people who had died rathe gruesomely, he saw his entire life reduced to dust, blood and splinters... that sort of thing can really mess people up. Nightmares, at least, would be rather common.

Chapter Six

- In case is two words.

- Sandslash can't learn agility


“and he found that pendant a day or two ago, he did not steal it from you.”


...Eric thought while looking at the numerous white daggers that lined the inside of Feraligatr’s jaws...
Funny, I never knew that Feraligatr had knives sprouting from its gums. It's all right to use similes and metaphors, but you need to put them in the correct format. At the moment Feraligatr literally has a mouthful of daggers, not teeth.

- Feraligatr can't learn take down.
...

...it lunged, plowing through the small yellow mouse...
Since when is Minun insubstantial?


As a fierce whirlwind formed in front of Golbat, as Feraligatr began running towards it.
Something's wrong there, yes?


...but not before an all too familiar ball of light began to circle around Feraligatr once again.

- Minun hasn't learned thunderstorm in this version, remember. Never liked that attack anyway, glad to see the tail end of it.

All right, this chapter was less poorly constructed than several of the ones preceding. It was rife with errors and the battle was less elegantly executed than before. Overall, just a bit of a letdown after the fairly nicely redone chapters leading up to it. It was nice that you were able to describe why Feraligatr was almost immune to electrical attacks this time around, though.

Overall

This revision shows obvious improvements. However, this story still has a long way to go. You have serious issues with dialogue. Sometimes you punctuate correctly, but most of the time it's just anything goes. I suggest you get someone to tell you exactly how to work dialogue, if you couldn't figure it out from my descriptions, or get a beta to figure it out for you. Likewise, you really like to connect sentences inappropriately. Commas are a bit of an issue, too. In general, I think you could brush up on your comma usage and come out fairly well. You just keep messing up in the same way again and again, so I'm guessing that it's not just typos, but you actually don't know how to do it properly.

Your reasoning was better this time around, resulting in fewer plot holes, but in revising you ended up creating some more as you accidentally left fragments of the old version in and didn't connect everything properly. Proofread really hard and try to bridge between chapters better.

Really, this 'fic is almost morphing into your generic trainerfic. The absol quest and the death of Eric's mom are very secondary, which seems a bit off to me. It's an event that should set the tone for the entire journey, and it doesn't, really. Your characters are okay, believeable if not terribly interesting, and your action scenes are pretty good, but often your flow and description could use a little work. You also continue to use illegal moves for pokémon. It may be a pain to try to use only canonical moves, but if people ignored natural boundaries of pokémon then it would just be crazy, as pokémon of any type or evolutionary level could use any move in existence. It's limitations, and working around them, that make for an interesting battle, rather than having just the right move at any given moment.

The pokémon are really being abused in this 'fic. They come out for battles, battle, then go back in their pokéballs. They don't interact with each other or with their trainer except in battle. They're objects, not characters in their own right. This is very sad to see, really. Pokémon are at least complex, character-wise, as humans, and here they're just plot devices, fighting machines that appear and disappear once again. The only pokémon with any characterization are absols, and they're just evil and tend to appear when it's most convenient for the plot. Really, I think that you could do much better with the pokémon part of this pokémon fanfiction.

Your progress is encouraging, but you've got a ways to go before this 'fic is truly great.

SnoringFrog
5th September 2005, 4:04 PM
There's a bit of dialogue confusion here. You only use a comma at the end of a sentence to introduce dialogue if the sentence doesn't make sense on its own. For example, Jack said, "OMG it's an absol!". Jack said could not stand on its own without the added dialogue, which answers the question "What did Jack say?" However, "He started the battle quickly, and intended to finish it quickly as well." stands well enough on its own. Also, you always set off the name of the person that dialogue is directed to with commas. You did it right in the first sentence but not in the second, and were a bit on and off about it through the rest of the chapter. After the dialogue he yelled is dependent on what is said, so it's decapitalized. Finally, the comma between yelled and he is incorrect and should be changed in the same way as the comma in the previous quote.

Didn't know that, thanks.


Eric forgot to go get Minun this time. Or does he not survive this time? You would think Eric would spare a moment to go and look for the little guy, at least.

I thought I put in the line where Eric returned Minun, I'll look for it when I edit it.


Still mystefied as to what absol are doing running around wild near Ecruteak.

Disaster coming=Absol appearing.


Zap that random comma, please. Shouldn't Gengar have stopped Eric before he got to the chamber of the beasts instead of just hanging out and watching?

- Isn't Morty a little angry that Eric came and woke the beasts up? If he set Gengar to guard the place, I would expect he had done so to prevent just that.

Gengar found Eric(when it first got cold) went to go get Morty(when it warmed back up) then Eric got up and found Raikou Entei and Suicune before Gengar and Morty returned. Gengar didn't expect Eric to go exploring before he got back.


I think you're missing something after actually.


Whoops, didn't realize I deleted that.


- Unless Golbat learns Glare in GSC only (I checked current gen and RBY), then it's not a legal move.


Stink, just checked my G/S/C guide, it doesn't learn that. Should've checked before I used it.


- Sandslash can't learn agility

Crap.


- Feraligatr can't learn take down.

Crap.

Thanks for the review, Negrek. As for the illegal moves, Glare, and agility were on accident, but for skull bash and take down, I assumed that if Absols and Feraligatr's were avialable(sp?) in R/B/Y that they would be able to learn those from the TM. I'll try to fix them, but I don't know how I'm going to ix skull bash.

skiboydoggy
5th September 2005, 4:20 PM
Heheheheheheheheh...
Personally I take illegal moves' illegal-ness and spit on it if they seem logical.
I do not see why a Pokemon that can learn Headbutt not learn Skull Bash.
Pfft.

Saffire Persian
10th September 2005, 2:12 AM
About time, eh?



One summer evening

I strongly advise you to not start of a begining of stories like the one above. Immeidalty, it makes me think of fairy tales, with the whole "once upon a time." One day..." etc. Stay away from those beginings, unless you're writing a fairy tale. ^_~




Like so many other people, Eric saw Absol as the one who brought the disasters, not the messenger that tried to warn people of Ho-oh's wrath. Seeing that Absol enraged Eric, he had lost his father in a disaster predicted by an Absol three years ago. Ever since then, he had hated all Absols and sought to destroy every one he could find, but he hadn't seen any until now.

Try to use a few more pronouns there. Seeing his name over and over again begins to make the text feel less and less personal, and more distant. And Absol warns people about HO-oh's wrath? I saw it as more of warning people of certain Eniviormental disasters.


hard-to-learn moves

I believe it would be hard to learn, without the dashes.. I also would consider subustituing that sentence with something like "More advanced moves, difficult moves, etc. P


Absol colliding into its horn with a massive amount of force, breaking the horn

So the horn is what allows the Absols to tell predictions, eh? Interesting.


"Yes, there's no doubt about it, Mom, it was a tornado."

I think he's be saying things faster. 'no doubt about it' seems to sound a little unnatural.



"But Minun's still out there!" he cried, “But what if you get hurt?”

“Don't worry," his mother said calmly, “ I’ll be alright, just wait here. I’ll come and get you after the storm passes. I’ve got to go now, there’s not much time, I love you, Eric."

Get rid of that second but.. and add more dialogue. He just jumps from Minun to his mother a little too rapidly for my tastes.


“No, Tim,” Eric said, crying looking at his friends dead body. He couldn’t bear the sight any longer, so he got up and continued looking through the rubble, ..

This paragraph is way to long for anyone. You could make this scene more dramatic.. right now.. it doesn't show the atmosphere I know you're trying to convey accurately.


======

Overall

I've decided to start grading fics slightly, so do make it understandable. So here it goes. (Note: 5 is high, as in great, while 1 is opposite.)

Story: 3

Personally, I think you have a lot of potential. Absol have always been interesting creatures to me, and it sounds like they'll be taking a higher role in the story. Also the grudge Eric holds is feasible. However, you need to develop the story a bit more intricatly. Some scenes could be rewritten, and some needed to be longer and more described to help convey the mood. Not to mention.. did Eric completely forget about little Minun?

Dialogue: 2.5

Personally, I think this was your weakest aspect. Everyone sounded static, and the parts that you tried to show emotion, did not seem to come as natural as I expected it to be. So, work on the dialogue a bit. Not every character talks the same. You lack in the emotion catagory. I mean, this was supposed to be very saddening and that, with everybody dead, and Eric pretty much left alone.

Character: 3

Dialogue problem aside, I think you have great potential concerning Eric and the plot. He had the potential to become a diverse and interesting character. I hope it will happen.

Description: 3

Good, even if a bit fragmented at times. You show what needs to be shown. Not bad, but could be better.

Mechanics: 4

Not bad. Still inconsistances with commas, etc.. but I see machanics ranking somewhat more low on the 'what makes a good story list' so I'm not overly picky about mechanics, as I'm convinced the characters are what make the plot.

Overall: 3

Not bad, and has the potential to be a very intrigueing story. However, there are things that you do need to work on. No writer is without his or her faults. For you, I'd say dialogue and character. Keep it up.

Sike Saner
12th September 2005, 2:02 AM
Being an Absol fan, I was pretty much guaranteed to check this out, if at least for no other reason than the banner did turn my head. I can forgive the less-than-favorable light in which the species is presented, though, as I'm assuming that this is merely meant to be a reflection of Eric's bias.

There's really not at lot to say that doesn't reiterate what's already been said by other reviewers; basically, that there is an abundance of potential lying within the concept of this story that has yet to be realized.

There are a number of errors sown throughout the chapters; Negrek has already illustrated the technical aspects. On the aesthetic side, there were a few very large paragraphs, particularly in the first chapters, that could have been broken down into multiple, smaller paragraphs, if for no other reason than to be a bit easier on the eyes. I will say that the later chapters do improve on this. Again, though, I consider this an aesthetic point, and therefore purely in the eye of the beholder.

Here are a couple of things I simply felt like singling out because I liked them:


After a short search, they found George’s brother, his body lying on top of his dead Beedrill, its stingers piercing through his chest.

I read that, and the way I pictured the scene was...probably a lot gorier than you intended. That's just my own sadistic tendencies at work, though. *snickers unwholesomely*


“Berrr unt…… berrr unt berent….. berrr unt…… berrr unt berent…..,” over and over and over, with a constant beating of a weird, somewhat drum-like instrument in the background was the only sound he could get.

Ew, the Unown music…I remember that…*laughs nostalgically*

Anyway, again, there is untapped potential here. If realized, that potential could really lend a fascinating impact to this story.

Hidden Mew
16th September 2005, 1:59 AM
I just finished reading your story and I think that it is wonderful. I don't see every many mistakes, but you might have edited them by now. I think your story line is great and I hope Eric learns something profound about Abosl in general. I can't wait for the next chapter.
;249-d; ;354; ;231; ;217; ;224; ;201-a;
I am hidden, yet I am in front of you.

Act
10th October 2005, 11:09 PM
I'm reviewingOMG.

Sincere apologies for how long this has taken. It's terribly rude.

----
Eleven-year-old should be hyphenated.

I hate eevee... just thougt I'd throw that out there. I know they're KaWaIi and all, but they actually horrible pokemon and very annoying.

I'm not one for capatalizing pokemon names, but there's no canon on that, so I can just throw out there that I don't think pokemon names should be capatalized.


Seeing that Absol enraged Eric, he had lost his father in a disaster predicted by an Absol three years ago.

The comma should be a semicolon.

Well this first paragraph is very meh. There's nothing bltantly wrong with it, but the structure is poor and the language and syntax are all very basic... it sounds very young.


“Eevee, use take down! Minun use thundershock!” He yelled

Ah, here's a mistake not to make-- don't capatalize words after dialogue if it isn't a new sentence. IE:

"It's okay," he said. |VS| "It's okay." He walked away.


He yelled, he had been training for this day ever since his father died; he wanted to travel so

This should be two sentences: ..." he yelled. He had been training...


but his mother needed him to help around the house and he had already defeated everyone in his town and his Pokémon already knew a lot of hard-to-learn moves,.

Wow... -.- I'm not sure I've ever seen the word and so abused in my life. It sounds like you just kept thinking of reasons for him to do whatever. Also, you have an extra punctuation mark at the end of the sentence.

What does his mom needing his help have to do with his having defeated everyone in town? Wouldn't the latter just be more of a reason for him to leave? WHy hasn't his eevee evolved?


"Alright, Eevee, c’mon, we’ve almost won! Let's finish this with an iron tail!" Eevee's bushy tail started to glow and hardened as he charged toward Absol, trying to ignore the

This should be a new paragraph.


hurling them both to the ground and knocking them both unconscious.

That eevee isn't dead?


odd funnel shaped cloud. A torna

Use a colon instead of a period here.


Eric stood up, clutching the unconscious ball of brown and white fur that was Eevee to his chest, and ran back into Retywell.

How cruel. If it was going to die, it probably should have then. Why didn't he just recall it and spare it the pain of being carried?


"But Minun's still out there!" he cried, “But what if you get hurt?”

No, it's not. It's in his pokeball. Also, what in the world connects these two thoughts?


still clutching Eevee tightly

It's DEAD, dammit.


Unknown to Eric, while he was knocked out,

Was he knocked out, or did he pass out?


his body lying on top of his dead Beedrill, its stingers piercing through his chest.

And naturally, they totally accept this and walk right past.


He looked fine except for a small but deep gash on the back of his head.

Well, then he's obviously not fine.


When he awoke

This 'he' should be 'Eric'.

Dude, this paragraph is HUGE. I'm having a little WTF moment.


He called for Eevee and it came bounding around the corner, happy to see that its trainer was still finally awake.

Totally unharmed, naturally. :scowl:


He started too walk

To, not too.


There were bodies strewn about in the streets.

A new paragrph should have started here.


went out to look for more supplies, he found some Poké balls and

Start a new sentence here.

----

Alright. Well, this was very meh. Very 3/5, 5/10. The idea is intriguing, but it feels very, very rushed and the prose is really lacking. Your sentence structure is just okay, and your paragraph structure is awful. Work on that.

There's not much else to say. The real problem was the childish sound of the prose, which surprised me because I liked your other fic very much.

Good luck with this, and do let me know if you'd like me to do the next chapter.

Saffire Persian
17th December 2005, 9:47 PM
Review for Ch. 2

Told ya I'd stop by.

Chapter 2


It had a little over a month since Eric had arrived in Ecruteak, but it already seemed like a home to him.

Though not wrong, I think the 'a' in the sentence bolded above was unnecessary. I think it would be better to say 'seemed like home to him'.


When he had first arrived, he first went to get his Pokémon healed

This has been bugging me for a long time, but how do you get that accented e in your story? I don't know how to do it for mine.


He didn’t feel right asking some random person if he could stay with them, so he went to an old, abandoned tower. The sign in front of the building read, “Burned Tower,” he walked in and looked around, “Well, it’ll have to do I guess,” he thought to himself. “That old bench over there looks like it would make a better bed than that stupid couch at the Pokémon center,” He thought as he recalled the countless times he had awoken with a thud on the floor the previous night.

Though your attempts to tell about Eric's day was good - I think you could go into a bit more detail about what he did in the paragraph above - more narrative. What did he feel when he say the Burned Tower, what prompted him to stay... I mean, it looks like it's about to fall apart at any second. XD...


He wept for hours, he still couldn’t believe they were gone; he finally fell asleep, exhausted.

Good sentence, but fell asleep where - where was he when this happened?


There was a man with the Gengar; he had a sky blue shirt with yellow on the elbows and around the bottom of it and dark blue jeans. There was a headband the same shade of blue as his shirt in his blonde hair and a necklace composed of two black bands around his neck.

Yeah for Morty! However, I've said this many times in the past few days, but ... here we go again. Description is good - necessary in fact, but the way you describe Morty is a sort of stringy way to do it - all those describing words lined up in one bit paragraph - it's a description dump. Usually you want to avoid that, and give little bits here and there of what he looks like - our minds will do the rest.


My, Gengar often comes here to make sure that no one is disturbing them or intruding on their territory.”

No comma after 'My'.


“The mystical dogs and servants of Ho-oh, Entei, Raikou, and Suicune, the three Pokémon that you saw fleeing when you arrived and awoke them from their slumber. Come now, you shouldn’t be here, we will talk at the gym.”

I don't think Morty would just tell him this - the Legendary Beasts are Legendary.. don't think Morty'd want people to know about them. Maybe after asking him a few questions, and deeming that it was ok to tell him because Eric released them, or whatever, maybe.


“Eric, you finally woke up! Follow me; I want to introduce you to someone.” He said as he led Eric to a small house not too far away from the gym.

That was a fast transition from scene to scene. Too fast.


“Hello, Eric!” Susan said merrily,

I dunno why, but I don't like the "merrily" part of this bit of dialogue.



Eric had trained with Morty three days a week for about a month after that, but then he decided it was time for him to leave. During that time, his Zubat evolved into a Golbat.

Whooah, Tiger. Way too fast. He just got here, and now you're moving at 100+ miles per hour when you could really, really start to flesh out Eric - and heck, Morty and Susan for a few scenes at least. Show him training with Morty, his life with Susan.. as he's moving on pretty fast (In a paragraph, no less!)


“Eevee, we’ve only been here a month, but it’s already become like a home to me. I can’t wait until we get back and battle Morty for our gym badge. We’ll be so much stronger then. Just you wait and see.” Then he turned and continued on his way towards Violet City.

I forgot he even had an Eevee... you didn't bring it out at all during this chapter, until now.. you focused on Zubat, yes.. but I would've expected more Pokemon interaction, unless Eric views Pokemon as only tools - which I don't think he does.

Overall, there are still things you can work on. Your character development has improved, and your grammar and spelling are very good. Dialogue - you could make it more dynamic, and as I've said, I feel like you're moving too fast for the material you're trying to cover. But still, you've improved a bit from when i last read the first chapter.

SnoringFrog
19th December 2005, 2:13 AM
This has been bugging me for a long time, but how do you get that accented e in your story? I don't know how to do it for mine.


In MS Word, press ctrl+shift(or maybe ctrl+alt+shift) then e and it should accent it that way. After awhile, that gets kinda tedious, so I set it to auto-correct it when I type pokemon, that way I don't have to capitalize it or accent the E.

Thanks fo rthe review, it really helps alot!

Negrek
19th December 2005, 4:59 AM
Not trying to butt in, but you can access the &#233; in any application outside of Microsoft Word (including in forums, as you can see), by using the standard code for it: on your number pad, hold down alt, then press 0233.

SnoringFrog
19th December 2005, 4:14 PM
Cool. Didn't know about that, thanks, Negrek!

Saffire Persian
24th December 2005, 10:42 PM
Neither did I. XD.. Thanks a lot.. Although, as I learned, you have to do something different on a Mac computer..

Anyway, SnoringFrog, as I saw that your Banner's gone, I made you one for Christmas! You can find it Here (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v290/Belle_starlia/thesad.jpg) If you'd like to use it.

SnoringFrog
25th December 2005, 1:00 AM
It is? I didn't know that. I thought it was just that my computer wasn't showing it, it does that sometimes with images. Thanks! I really like the banner!

Calcos the Destroyer
27th December 2005, 5:48 AM
AAAAK!! B@$T@RD!!! YOU DARE ASSAULT THAT OF WHICH IS KNOWN SO DEARLY AS ABSOL!!!!???? GRRRRAAAAHHHHH *tears throat out*

Felix Feral Fezirix
27th December 2005, 6:53 AM
Oh c'mon, get off it, the main character will get over it sometime. Otherwise SnoringFrog would have had a yellow knuckle sandwich already.

Calcos the Destroyer
2nd March 2006, 3:07 AM
*calms down, but soon after is found with a sniper rifle aimed at Eric* Heh...

Felix Feral Fezirix
2nd March 2006, 6:54 AM
Ya know, I think this fic has been abandoned. <_<