View Full Version : Soulless: The story of a Game Corner pokemon
13th August 2005, 7:51 AM
This is a one shot about a pokemon in the game corner, as she reflects on her life. Enjoy.
All day I sit here. In my cage. My breath comes ragged. My eyes water constantly. I feel sick. I always feel sick. My head hurts. My limbs are weak. The bars lining my cage are scratched and beaten, but yet they stay strong. Long ago were the times when I tried to free myself. It took me many bruises to realise I did not wield the strength to break them.
I hear the voices above me. Shouting, laughing, yelling, everything. The clatter of coins, the ring of slot machines. I hear these noises even when I sleep. If I sleep. And even when I do sleep, my fitful dreams are poisoned by nightmarish visions from my life in the cellars of Team Rocketís base.
Whenever anyone thinks of Team Rocket, they think of a group of people in matching uniforms running around doing mischief. Those people are disillusioned. No one can fully realize the evil that is Team Rocket unless they experience it for themselves. Unless they are bred in captivity, and forced to live their life in a cage hidden in a cellar.
There are other pokemon here. Iím not alone in the darkness. But we never speak. There is nothing to speak about. Some of us have gone mad. Others, like me, just lie here. Not all of us were bred like this. Some were captured from the wild. Others had trainers before. But they were taken from their loving trainers and thrown into a life of torment and misery.
Some of us are actually released into the custody of trainers. But it has been many weeks since that happened. I think we are becoming costly. The people who play the slots want the other things on offer, the ones stacked here.
I know nothing of the outside world. I know only the Game Corner. The only glimpse I received of the world was when they carried me in here. I know nothing about myself. Only that I am a Dratini. And I am rare. Everything else about the world is a mystery. All I know is my cage.
I donít know if there is a god up there, but I know, someone will one day get me out of here. I will not spend the rest of my life here. I will be a free pokemon. Maybe one day Iíll have a caring trainer. I donít know when, but soon. Soon Iíll be free.
But for now, I am soulless.
Whadda ya think? Please reply!
28th August 2005, 7:31 PM
good!! but it could have been longer
29th August 2005, 12:34 AM
A bit of an overusuage of primer languages where some sentences were repetitive and some sentences could of left the same impact if combined with another sentence, but other than that, the short and sweet sentences really worked in this type of story. Just by this style of writing, you can tell that the Pokťmon is desperate.
Some mistakes in punctutations though. Like:
But they were taken from their loving trainers, and thrown into a life of torment and misery.The comma before "and" and after "trainers" isn't needed since the part of the sentence after "and" can't stand on it's own. Or if you wanted to make that into another sentence, it wouldn't be a complete sentence.
Good job. Pokťmon persepectives are always nice to read about.
29th August 2005, 2:17 AM
Wow, I like the idea and the insight into Dratinit's mind. Very deep and unique, and is definately one of those "short but sweet" type one shots. I once had an idea with a similar theme, I was going to write a one-shot about a Charizard owned by the League and being among the Pokemon used for mass breeding Starters, but I never did it.
I nice little work you've got here. ^^
3rd September 2005, 3:03 AM
I'm very glad you liked it!
Yeah, I thought of this idea when I was watching a movie with my mum...I think it was some murder mystery. (my mum's into that sort of thing)
Plus, I feel really sorry for all the pokemon held in the game corner. Most don't realize they are actual living creatures down there.
Pokemon Abuse sucks bad.
3rd September 2005, 3:45 AM
Very good. Little short, but it was still really good.
3rd September 2005, 7:49 AM
Yep, definetly one of those "short but sweet" one-shots. Reminded me of a poem. Heh, at first I thought it was a Porygon. Good job.
3rd September 2005, 8:47 AM
i think its exellent though could put a little excitement in it.
12th November 2005, 1:21 AM
I love it it's amazing! Poor dratini, though.
12th November 2005, 2:49 AM
o_o Now I kind of feel like an ***hole for all the resets I've been doing at the Game Corner for a shiny Dratini...
Ah, the Game Corner. Just one of those very f-ed up aspects of the Pokémon world, along with the Safari Zone and Day Care Centers. Now, the Safari Zone, you've already touched upon in TPR, and as for Day Care Centers...er, don't write about those. Please. Those fics tend to turn out...er, repulsively. Put mildly. :p
Great job capturing an air of despair (oh, FRELL, the RHYMES...). A highlight of that would be this:
There are other pokemon here. I’m not alone in the darkness. But we never speak. There is nothing to speak about.
Damn. That is excellent...so bleak.
A fine, tasty little work, this is. Kudos. ^_^
12th November 2005, 6:34 AM
AWWW! OMG! Why didn't you tell me/ GOsh.
I liked it, and so origial. It made me happy. ^_^
I don't think i'll go to the game corner much anymore. *poor thing
As always, be kind to the mime.
12th November 2005, 8:28 AM
Another fanfic, Typhlogirl!?
How are ya going to keep up?
Is this anyway related to the Pokemon Rebeillion?
As I'm saying, the intro is a bit short, but makes a lot of sense. :)
Keep up the good work!
EDIT: YAY! I'm the fist one to give this fanfic 5 stars!
10th March 2006, 8:59 PM
It was great
The intro is short but good
I wonder how it will get out
it could escape on his own or someone could help
it could get sold or they could let it out
and is it a male or female
10th March 2006, 10:51 PM
That was great.Now I'll train with the Dratini I have and I'll be kind to it.
I think you should do more one shots!
10th March 2006, 11:15 PM
Hey, this is short :D:D:D
I have no admit, IMO, the 'short choppy annoying sentences for effect' thing never really worked for me. Maybe if it was only two or three sentences, but I can guaruntee you that after the eight you've employed it gets old and repetitive.
but yet they stay strong.
Hm, you couldn't come up with a better word or phrase than 'stay' and 'stay strong?' This would be a great time to personify the cage bars, saying something like, '...yet they remain intact, constantly mocking me with their strengh.'
Long ago were the times when I tried to free myself.
The syntax here is really weird. It sound like you tried to sound all dramatic, and it *almost* worked. I feel like you should just reword it entirely, because I honestly am not sure what the technical word for the problem is, and I can't put my finger on the particular part of the sentence that's wrong.
I hear the voices above me. Shouting, laughing, yelling, everything.
Hm, well, first off, I think that the period should be a colon. That way, you get the same effect but lose the sentence fragment. Also, I'd set off 'everything' with a different kind of punctuation... maybe a hyphen or elispses.
The clatter of coins, the ring of slot machines. I hear these noises even when I sleep.
I feel like these could be combined to get rid of the fragment and end up looking really nice. I must admit, I like the phrasing of the first one, but you don't give us any verb to describe what it is, or what it means to the narrator. Fragments are missing something (besides a predicate, I mean).
I hear these noises even when I sleep. If I sleep.
Again, I think the effect you want could be achieved some other way than with a stunted little sentence. I was thinking someting like, '...when I sleep (that is, if I sleep).'
Whenever anyone thinks of Team Rocket, they think of a group of people in matching uniforms running around doing mischief.
I like the rest of the paragraph, but this sentence just doesn't seem to fit in-- it's more informal, IMO. Also, I think you could use more transition in the narrator's thoughts. You can figure out that for yourself, I don't feel like coming up with an example.
No one can fully realize the evil that is Team Rocket unless they experience it for themselves. Unless they are bred in captivity, and forced to live their life in a cage hidden in a cellar.
And that should be a comma after 'themselves,' not a period.
There are other pokemon here. I’m not alone in the darkness.
IMO, this first period should be a comma, too.
Not all of us were bred like this. Some were captured from the wild. Others had trainers before.
I actually think this should be a new paragraph, as you're beginning to discuss a new topic. Also, I think you might want to push these together with a semicolon in place of the first period and a comma in place of the second.
Remeber, a period isn't the only punctuation that indicates a pause.
But they were taken from their loving trainers and thrown into a life of torment and misery.
Don't start sentences with conjunctions. That simple. It's horribly diificult to pull off properly, especially with 'but' and 'and.'
I think we are becoming costly.
Ehhh, this may be your knowledge seeping in here. How would he know that they're being sold? Does a pokemon housed in captivity for its entire life even have an idea what the concept of cost is? Frankly, there's no way the narrator would even have the slightest idea of this.
The people who play the slots want the other things on offer, the ones stacked here.
Again, how would he understand what a slot machine is? Even if he *had* seen them, I highly doubt he would have immediately known what they are and what they're used for.
Only that I am a Dratini. And I am rare.
First period = comma.
All I know is my cage.
You keep contradicting yourself. Either he knows nothing of the world *or* he understands how the game corner works (which needs some explanation in itself, as I said above). You can't do both, it doesn't make sense.
I don’t know if there is a god up there, but I know, someone will one day get me out of here.
I could harp you about concept here and how pokemon *probably* don't understand the idea of 'god' on human terms, but I think the grammatic aspect is more important. Actually, I'll just spare you the explanation and tell you that the syntax is really bad and you should change the second comma to the word 'that.'
This was alright. It was better than most of the stuff here, but it was definitely not a masterpiece. All my comments are above, and I think the only annoying thing that you did consistantly was those awful choppy sentences (they *can* work, like I said, but it was way, way too much of a good thing). Other than that, it was okay. Your prose was decent but not great, your character was alright, albeit with a few logic laspses.
I actually don't care how long a one-shot, or chapter, or whatever is as long as it has substance. *shrug* I do think you got that.
It was just average all around, I guess. o.o;; Good luck in the future, if you ever decide you really want to write, I think you could potentially be good. But hey, that doesn't mean anything. Sidney Crosby was supposed to be the Second Coming.
10th March 2006, 11:30 PM
I really like the idea of this story and it was a sweet, but heart tearing one-shot.
This will be the first story I'll be reviewing, but I'm glad it's one of my first. This story could use a little bit of a more advanced vocabulary, based on your age, but I still understood the main idea, just not in depth
11th March 2006, 12:25 AM
Aww, this was sad, Typhlogirl. It was good though. Poor Dratini...
So THAT'S why Team Rocket's base is in the Game Corner. It's a fake! The women there work for Team Rocket! Of course, I don't do the slots anyway... It was a sad, but good one-shot, though it could've been longer. (You've gotten better since this.) Boy, since when was this forgotten? Well, it was good! I'd love to see more!
* Kutie Pie * Please be kind to midgets!
11th March 2006, 8:35 AM
O_o I thought this old thing was dead. Shows how much I know.
Anyway, thanks all for replying to it.
But I must say Tale, wow. That has got to be the most in depth review I have ever recieved, and its on this stupid fic! >_< XD But I am very grateful for your comments, and will apply them to my future writings.
To everyone else who replied, thanks again. I'll try and repay you. But now, I must get this moved to Completed fics.
11th March 2006, 8:51 AM
This is such a sad story, sis.
I feel like crying... Really emotional and all. I can't believe I didn't review a long time ago..
Wow, I feel like I can cry so easily. So sad, yet so beautiful, the fic, I mean.
Till next time,
11th March 2006, 8:58 AM
Hey, Typhlogirl. In my opinion, I like the short sentences. When one is slowly going out of their mind, they lose the ability to speak long and coheisively.
You've captured the emotion of dispair and that slight hope at the end well. Keep writing...
11th March 2006, 9:28 AM
9/10! I love it. If it were real, I'd go down there and be the loving Trainer for her! I've always had a heart for Dratini's. Poor thing. I wish she could get herself free. I know! Maybe you should write a sequal! That way, she'll be FREE! Yay!
12th March 2006, 12:16 PM
That was pretty good. But one thing though: couldn't the Dratini just slip through the bars, seeing as its body is pretty thin? Apart from that, it was a bit sad, but still, it was good.
This just inspired me to write a fic about a human that HATES Pokemon abuse and kills people that abuse Pokemon...yeah, I know, I'm crazy.
Originally posted by Typhlogirl
Pokemon abuse sucks.
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