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Act
2nd September 2005, 5:27 PM
EMG, the Mets pwn j00! :D:D:D:D

Welcome to Reflect, the winner of the 2006 "Most Unique Storyline," and "Best Usage of Subtlety (whatever the hell that means)." Whether I should be scared or flattered by this is up for debate.


Warnings, Contents, and other stuffs...



Please, read the following warnings...

This fic is rated PG-13. There will be strong language in dialogue-- I generally don't do cursing within narration, but people talk how they talk. There are religious themes, including characters who are Christian and agnostic and main characters wrestle with belief in God. If that kind of thing bothers you, please don't read this and then harp me about it. There is violence, mostly related to pokemon, but you never know. Main characters later in the fic struggle with such things as alcoholism, suicide and homicide, and self-inflicted injuries. I'm not a graphic author, I don't particularly like that kind of thing, but don't be stupid. If the mention of that kind of stuff bothers you, do avoid it. There will be allusions to romance (life includes romance, ne?), and if you can't handle the sex level in shows like The Nanny, then, well, you're in trouble. Characters may allude to things jokingly (or seriously), and, again, I'm not a graphic writer. I don't feel the need to descrive two people making out to properly write a romance. In fact, I find it stupid. So, the point is, if someone mentioning 'sleeping with' someone bother you, the later parts of the fic may bother you.

Please, please, remeber: the opinions expressed by my characters are not necessarily my own opinions. It's that simple. If Emmett says, "The color green is always ugly," don't complain to me about how you love green, because it's his opinion, not mine. Green happens to be my favorite color.

That is all :)


PM notification list that makes me cool and 1337:

cyndaquil_dratini
Saffire Persian


Contents

Prologue

I. (Prewriting)
II. (Prequisites (http://serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=2188598&postcount=8))
III. (Preemption (http://serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=2436397&postcount=33))

Celadon City

1.1 (The future is an opaque mirror. (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=2808387&postcount=58))
1.2 (The remedy is the experience. (http://serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=2870241&postcount=70))
1.3 (Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. (http://serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=6591719&postcount=94))


Prologue Part I Itself

---


Cold.

You see, more often than not a lonesome word is infinitely more powerful than the harangues of description most would use in its place. It invokes a single, easily deciphered emotion as opposed to a jumble of feelings that leave little wake as they pass by. What does it matter, dear reader, if he was tall and handsome? If he was neither?

Granted, he was tall, though not overly good-looking (and possibly to some not good-looking at all). But is this superficial point, in the end, what attracts one person to another? Is this what, particularly in the blindness that is a written account, creates a bond between one being and another?

I think not. This said, I give you that opening word and leave you to meditate on it: what exactly makes someone so? Naturally it is not the only trait he held, but it is quite central to the background of this tale, your vague little prologue.

She, on the other hand, merits the word 'there'. It is in fact an adjective --demonstrative, for those who are that particular-- and it is what she was. There. Seemingly from nowhere she came (though truly she reached him through her father's occupation), and, as the stories generally go, they found themselves together.

For those who still dwell on the visual despite my objections, you may call her 'average', for that is what she was. She stands no chance, you see, against the rallies of women who intrude on our eyes as we flip nonchalantly through any given magazine. Yet, she is somehow more than the average-looking girl. She is not quiet. Unlike most, she learned through experience that personality can far outshine, and even enhance, the physical being.

Regardless, they found a kind of love.

Now, contrary to how the stories generally go, he was not in the least happy about this. Or, rather, he was not happy that he was happy. Regardless of the exact situation, it involved psychological upset that he knew was out of his control, though he tried desperately to control it. Things like this did not happen. There were reasons they did not happen, reasons he could not communicate. Look around you! Do you see it? Of course not. But we don't choose these kind of things.

Reader, you can probably assume at this point without making an *** of you and me that they did, in fact, live happily together for some time. There would be no story otherwise. The exact circumstances of their affair prior to and for a significant time after marriage are not necessary at this point (though they are intriguing enough); what is the point of a prologue but to relate what is needed for a reader to understand a story? And, the point of this, what you need to understand is simply that they were wed.

Indeed.



----

Please review o.o;;

skiboydoggy
2nd September 2005, 5:37 PM
A single word is more powerful than a myraid of descriptions.

Cool.

Saya
2nd September 2005, 7:26 PM
lol

Nice idea Act. A little short, but as you were saying in it, you don't need all that description. Very good. It's different than most I've seen, and I enjoyed it. I can't wait to see what you do with this!

Keep up the great writing!

~Saya~

Flaming Lip
2nd September 2005, 7:29 PM
Nice very nice.

Normally, I would coment on your breaking of the 4th Wall of Writing, which is, do not comunicate with the reader. Of course such a rule can be broken, not exsesivly, but for the deeper sense. Here it works, and it works very well, saying what can't be said without saying it to the reader.

Good job, I will be keeping my eye on this.

Act
2nd September 2005, 7:33 PM
Thanks muchly, all.


Normally, I would coment on your breaking of the 4th Wall of Writing,

That was in the hideously long A/N that goes with it (which you can see here (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2537490/1/)). Basically, the entire fic is going to be written in what I call (because it has no name I know of o.o;;) 1st-person omniscient, as if someone was telling you the story. I'm glad I pulled it off :)

Thanks again.

Enigma
3rd September 2005, 1:08 AM
Very well written.

Act
5th September 2005, 12:36 AM
Thanks very much again ^^;

I actually started the next chapter of this, which is amazing. Estimated completion time: Before December. << a step up from my last updateless span

Act
11th October 2005, 2:55 AM
Le wh00t. I finished a chapter!

A word about the chapters in this fic... I've decided to keep them rather short (1500-2500 words), for several reasons...

-I'll get them out faster (BIG problem with me)
-I'll be more willing to write them, so
-They'll be written better
-It's easier to read
-It's a new thing to try

Enjoy.

-----


“I can’t spell,” he announced to the teacher with a grin on his face, as if this was something to be extremely proud of. Somewhere, a classmate giggled.

The woman sighed. “Please, Emmett, just try.” This exact conversation repeated itself every time the class held a spelling bee.

“But I don’t know. Can’t I just sit down? I don’t mind, like, losing or anything, really. And I’ll study tonight.” Appeasing this lady never seemed to work for him, but nonetheless she mouthed ‘alright’ and gave a nod. A bold ten-year-old like this was a nightmare for a teacher right out of college.

Allow me a pause for a short description of Emmett. He was a small boy (and would be a small adult as well) -- his father’s genes for height having ignored him entirely—but he was surprisingly broad. Unfortunately he had missed anything athletic floating around his family and, like too many others, would be condemned to loving sports and not being able to play them. His light eyes looked slightly odd against his darker complexion and hair; in fact, his elder sister would often complain that no clothing looked right on her (what matched her skin tone jarred with her eye color, and vice versa). He did not quite crave attention, but he was not at all shy of it. He took a seat, his tiny self disappearing into a sea of standing students.

There should be something said for the boy behind him as well. Ian Jordan hated that his name tended to rhyme, but liked it well enough otherwise. He was a bright boy—destined to be labeled something or another as a teen—and wanted nothing more than to be a famous scientist when he grew up. The gossip would later be that this dream was the only reason he was best friends with Emmett in the first place; Emmett’s grandfather worked at a well-to-do laboratory in far-away Mossdeep City. Ian, an only child, was tall and somewhat lanky (had he liked sports, he could have easily been an athlete). He had the kind of eyes that were tough to be angry at: dark and droopy, always sad and melancholy. He stood tall (though it was difficult for him to do anything else) and deftly spelled the word that had left Emmett sitting.

Words were spelled, bells rang, and one or two students smiled when Ian lost to Linda Rowette. Emmett sighed and opened his locker: there would undoubtedly be another word in edgewise to his parents at conferences, and another speech about how the teacher was the teacher and he should know better than to be so rude. He felt guilty about being 'rude', but he really didn’t know the answer and saw no reason to embarrass himself with a desperate attempt at the word. And he was just like that in spelling, really.

A note fluttered down out of his locker as he rushed to pack his things and begin trotting home.

Do you remember that first crush, reader? That was Emmett to Jessie Salcito. Unfortunately, the note was not from this shy girl. As she looked on, which was not all that difficult to do-- their lockers were right next to each other (Salcito, Solvati)-- she saw that it was a warning to clean his locker. The vice-principal and eighth-grade teacher had the tendency to dump the entire contents of messy lockers all over the floor to make a student sort it out.

He stuffed the note into his pocket and looked over at her. “You ready? Ian and Jessica are gonna meet us at my house, because she has cheerleading and he has better things to do, so you can come over for a little, my mom said.” What had Jessie’s mom said once? That she would be friends with all the boys, but never have a boyfriend? What a curse that is, reader, to be in a puppy love with your best friend, to be a hopeless, average-looking tomboy. She would finally make a move too late, many years later, if you find yourself curious. There’s no real love story here.

“Alright, hold on one second, I can’t remember my locker combo and I forgot my science book… actually, it’s probably home. Let’s go,” she said, mostly to herself.

“I did my stuff in class, just take mine,” Emmett offered.

And so began the trek home.

Celadon City was huge, as you most definitely know, but the little neighborhood that housed our friends was tightly knit, as are most similar neighborhoods. It was more suburban than city-like, with no overly tall buildings or apartment complexes. Justine Solvati’s stomach would always turn at the thought of her ten-year-old walking home from school by himself. Letting him do that was what bad parents did, the kind whose children were kidnapped. But she found herself without much choice—the school did not offer a bus route, and both she and her husband worked.

Justine did not worry as much about her daughter, Larissa, who was much more introverted and less likely to strike up conversation with whomever happened to walk up to her. But nothing had happened in ten years, and in truth nothing ever would occur on that short, simple walk home from school. Justine would never have to suffer the pain and humiliation of being one of those parents who let their young children do ridiculous things. Do not take that at face value, though. ‘Ridiculous’ is being used specifically here, and Emmett was allowed to do many insane things as the years went by. But none pertain specifically to kidnappings and murders.

It was, naturally, Larissa who opened the door to Emmett and Jessie. She glanced at them and let them in; she was listening intently to music (‘plugged in,’ Justine called it), and would break out in song for a few seconds every now and then.

Larissa had never been awfully fond of Emmett’s friends—a four-year age difference will do that—but she particularly disliked Jessie and her more feminine counterpart, Jessica. For once, she found it excruciatingly annoying that they had the same name, though truthfully this came from her own experiences more than a personal dislike of the girls; a Lauren-Laura duo had once tormented her. Secondly, well… in truth, you see, she had no real reason. But Emmett never needed a reason to like his friends, so she never needed a reason to dislike them, and he was not exactly the favorite of her friends. Sibling rivalry, eh, reader?

But now Larissa sounds like a cruel person. She will be, one day, in Emmett’s eyes, but for now they are truly best friends, playing computer and video games as the deadliest duo there ever was. She’d cared deeply for her little brother during the ten years of their existence together.

When their father arrived home (earlier than Justine—not something that normally happened), there was rejoicing on Emmett’s part and a smile from Larissa. The relationships between parent and child here can be summed up easily: Larissa was her father’s face and mother’s mind, and Emmett his mother’s face and father’s mind. But that is little but a summary, and a summary usually leaves out several important details. The boldness of Emmett was his mother’s, the reclusiveness of Larissa her father’s. In truth, I suppose, there is no accurate way to describe who came from where.

Larissa was never daddy’s little girl, Emmett never a mama’s boy. Larissa would connect and bond primarily with her mother, Emmett with his father. Oh, the heartache that comes of it.


.(.:x:.).

Emmett’s favorite teacher had always been Mr. Lowry, a kind gentleman who taught English as well as foreign language classes. Emmett did not have a particular knack for the English language; he did not see himself as being particularly strong or gifted in any area, and he was content with being average all around. Nonetheless, this man was one Emmett would think of fondly twenty years later, when everything else about Celadon City was a blur of the painful and otherwise unpleasant.

Sitting in class that day, Emmett meditated on the journal question. Do you have any intention of ever going on a pokèmon journey? Why or why not? Why do you think the fervor for this occupation has died over the past decade? This will become a creative writing assignment next week. The topic undoubtedly stemmed from the anticipation surrounding the ten or so children that would leave at the end of the next week on excursions of their own.

Emmett had always gotten the impression that someone left where they lived because they were not content with their lives and the people in it. It didn’t much matter to him what they left to do, but if you are truly happy, why abandon it? He jotted this down and then gazed out the window, preparing to daydream for the next few minutes.

He had never had the desire to train pokèmon; something seemed wrong about it. He had taken the classes and such (it was required, something he had always found very strange). Yet, Emmett supposed this lack of desire to leave meant that he was pleased with live, love, and why in his life.

It was last period, Friday.

What a way to condemn yourself for the weekend, to go home that Saturday to no one, to not go home again for a long time. What blatant foreshadowing.


----

Do reveiw.

Faerie
12th October 2005, 1:54 AM
Wow, this is great! I really like this story. It makes you think a lot, and I love the interaction between the author and the reader. You don't see many things like that around here on Serebiiforums. I can't wait to read more! ^__^
Emmett’s favorite teacher had always been Mr. Lowry, a kind gentleman who taught English as well as foreign language classes.Based on Louis Lowry, I presume? :3
It was, naturally, Larissa who opened the door to Emmett and Jessie. She glanced at them and let them in; she was listening intently to music (‘plugged in,’ Justine called it), and would break out in song for a few seconds every now and then.That's exactly what my mom calls it. O__o;; Strange...

Klaus
12th October 2005, 3:32 AM
.............Woah..............that was somewhat impressive.The
way each word flowed with the other creating a dance of language
and letters. I loved it.

You, my friend, have some writing talent. I appluad that!

I do annicipate the next chapter.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Act
12th October 2005, 7:50 PM
Based on Louis Lowry, I presume? :3

Absolutely :) I was a big fan of hers when I was younger.


That's exactly what my mom calls it. O__o;; Strange...

Wow, really? o.- Maybe my mom got it from someone else, then...


Wow, this is great! I really like this story. It makes you think a lot, and I love the interaction between the author and the reader. You don't see many things like that around here on Serebiiforums. I can't wait to read more! ^__^

Thanks very much. And... I'm def making progress on my own reviews now that I'm active again... I do feel awful about making people wait so long... -.-



.............Woah..............that was somewhat impressive.The
way each word flowed with the other creating a dance of language
and letters. I loved it.

You, my friend, have some writing talent. I appluad that!

I do annicipate the next chapter.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, so, I'm trying to get the next chapter out, um, soon. Hopefully my shorter than 4k word limit will help that. I have a tendency to go months without updating fics o.o;;

Thanks again.

Nylf
12th October 2005, 9:22 PM
;330;I'm here on request, and you should see my sig for my rules.(Nothing big, it's simply in bold). I should be glad you asked me to come, this is a great story, and I may come back(I make no promises, I'm writing four fics, and I've lost count of the ones I'm reviewing). I hope you keep this up. One slight problem. Once again, I see my life being metioned in a story form. This is just silly. I'm getting fed up of this. Is my life really that predictable?

;373; Quiet SF, it's rough but live with it. Length, Fine, Description, Grand, Plot, Unreadable, Overall, Very Nice. It's lining up as a Flygon fic, but we'll have to read more before I make any promises. Later!

Act
13th October 2005, 12:38 PM
;330;I'm here on request, and you should see my sig for my rules.(Nothing big, it's simply in bold). I should be glad you asked me to come, this is a great story, and I may come back(I make no promises, I'm writing four fics, and I've lost count of the ones I'm reviewing). I hope you keep this up. One slight problem. Once again, I see my life being metioned in a story form. This is just silly. I'm getting fed up of this. Is my life really that predictable?

;373; Quiet SF, it's rough but live with it. Length, Fine, Description, Grand, Plot, Unreadable, Overall, Very Nice. It's lining up as a Flygon fic, but we'll have to read more before I make any promises. Later!

Uh, thanks... o.o;;

I'm not quite sure what that means in the long run, but it's the thought that counts.... right?

Nylf
13th October 2005, 8:31 PM
Basically a Flygon award from Mobius means you have got a very good fic. The problem is almost all the fics I read are Flygons, but almost all the fics I read are that good. But Mobius usually waits till like the fifth chapter till giving his award, and it can and does change, either improving or getting worse. In summary Flygon award is the highest Mobius gives. All my fics('cos I threatened him), Pokemon Revalations:Cof, Rejected and some others who I will remeber shortly are Flygon award fics. I think Project c745h is one(title may be misspelled on my part) as well.

Act
14th October 2005, 10:04 PM
Basically a Flygon award from Mobius means you have got a very good fic. The problem is almost all the fics I read are Flygons, but almost all the fics I read are that good. But Mobius usually waits till like the fifth chapter till giving his award, and it can and does change, either improving or getting worse. In summary Flygon award is the highest Mobius gives. All my fics('cos I threatened him), Pokemon Revalations:Cof, Rejected and some others who I will remeber shortly are Flygon award fics. I think Project c745h is one(title may be misspelled on my part) as well.

Well, um, thanks...?

Oh, and BTW, I will recioprocate, but not until I finish with my actual requests, so don't expect something too soon -.-

Sike Saner
16th October 2005, 2:13 AM
Uh-oh...

Okay, I'm going to have to ask you right now: Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize how engaging this is? Good grief, an actual, active, dynamic narrator, we have here...virtually no one is doing that. That cannot possibly be easy to pull off, and frankly I have no idea how you're doing it, but dang. Fantastic work.


The boldness of Emmett was his mother’s, the reclusiveness of Larissa her father’s. In truth, I suppose, there is no accurate way to describe who came from where.

Larissa was never daddy’s little girl, Emmett never a mama’s boy. Larissa would connect and bond primarily with her mother, Emmett with his father. Oh, the heartache that comes of it.

I just had to isolate that; it's brilliant. An alarmingly intuitive notion is presented there, with very cleverly chosen words.


What a way to condemn yourself for the weekend, to go home that Saturday to no one, to not go home again for a long time. What blatant foreshadowing.

And that just made me smile. Especially that last line. Boss. ^_^


This is among the most capably written pieces I've seen of late, and I can only imagine that the degree of quality will be maintained throughout its future. Massive kudos. *goes and rates*

Kaizer
16th October 2005, 4:04 AM
Wow, I don't really know exactly what to say about this. I've never read anything like it, that's for sure.
I don't know, I didn't find any mistakes or anything, and the writing, though there's something missing (yet somehow not?) that I can't seem to place. Most likely because I'm so used to massive description, but this lacks it. Not that it needs it.

I'm sorry for this horrible review, but I'm really intrigued by this so I'll keep reading.
;245;

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 6:04 PM
What a way to condemn yourself for the weekend, to go home that Saturday to no one, to not go home again for a long time. What blatant foreshadowing.I just had to single this small paragraph out from the rest. It was pure platinum, and it was structured wonderfully. I must say, you have stolen another spot of true works of art.

Your writing style is unique and utterly beautiful. The way you kept referring to 'the reader' constantly made me want to reread the chapter over again, which is what I will most likely do once I get done writing. I wasn't looking for mistakes because you killed them all from what I read, so excellent job on the grammar. Your vocabulary was such natural, fluid, and overall powerful. I found the word 'nonchalantly' to be used in such a powerful meaning, and there are many other examples that just stole my heart. Larissa and Emmett seem to be eccentric characters, which is definitely something that made the story even better, so I'm looking forward to the next installment. Fantastic job. This is another true work of writing and art, so congratulations.

Act
16th October 2005, 7:27 PM
Well, between Sike Saner, Kaizer, and Syra, I think it's difficult to convey how flattered I am.

Um... ^.^; Thank you very much.

I'm quite glad you all seemed to like those few ending sentences. It's sort of strange, because I really wasn't too fond of them, especially when I first tacked them on there.

Also, thank you everyone who reviewed for being so kind about my requests and for actually doing it, the latter being something I can't say I'm too good at myself, so kudos ^.^

As a general statement, I've decided to have the prologue span three 'chapters'. I'll have the final part of the beginning out... someday. x.x

Huh... used way to many smilies there...

Haunter
16th October 2005, 7:35 PM
I like it, Act. You have a nice style and it seems that there's an undercurrent of ... something running through the 'fic.

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 8:04 PM
Act, I am very glad that I chose to read this. You have the natural taste of originality, which was deeply reflected in this story. You surprised me at how well you handled the way you write, and how powerful it was. That was made me the adventure of reading this enchanting.

Dragonfree
16th October 2005, 8:46 PM
Let's see. I actually skimmed the prologue sometime long ago, but couldn't really think of anything to say.

Anyway, now I randomly decided to read it again and the first chapter. There were a few parts I had a problem with:


But is this superficial point, in the end, what attracts one person to another? Is this what, particularly in the blindness that is a written account, creates a bond between one being and another?
Those two sentences end a bit too similarly for my taste. I think it would have worked better to end the last one ...a bond between two beings? although it would kind of subtract from the tone of the narrator.


His light eyes looked slightly odd against his darker complexion and hair; in fact, his elder sister would often complain that no clothing looked right on her (what matched her skin tone jarred with her eye color, and vice versa).
It's a bit confusing to talk about his light eyes and then suddenly switch into something about his elder sister. Of course the reader can assume that his elder sister looked similar to him so he would have had that problem if he ever complained about that kind of thing at all, but it takes a second to work that out and that second is a bit distracting.


Emmett did not have a particular knack for the English language; he did not see himself as being particularly strong or gifted in any area
You repeat "particular".

The way you address the reader also irks me a bit - not the perspective itself, which I really like, but the word "reader" always being used. It just seems unnecessary; removing it from the sentence altogether will usually not subtract from it at all, leaving "you" in there somewhere serving the same purpose.

Overall, though, I really love this style. The wording is clearly carefully chosen to sound just right, which it does apart from what I've already noted. The story seems interesting enough, too. I'll be following this (if I can actually keep that promise this time ^^;).

Act
17th October 2005, 1:53 AM
Ah, thanks for the review.

One of my biggest problems is word repitition. I tend to use the same words and expressions over and over.

Hm, the other stuff I will keep in mind. It's interesting to think about, adn difficult in re-reading it. I know what it's supposed to sound like, so I really can't understand how it comes off, and I really aprreciate people's opinion on the narration :)

I'm quite glad you enjoyed it, and that's to Pan and Syra again as well. I do hope I can meet this standard again... xD

Saffire Persian
17th October 2005, 5:33 AM
All right. After reading the Prologue and the first chapter, I'm here for the first review of the day, which I will steadily continue throughout the week. First thing's first, what a way to knock out the fourth wall of writing... I do believe you knocked it down with a battering ram.

To all good effect of course.

I haven't read this style of writing in ages and I mean it. I found that to be the highlight of the first chapter, when low and behold, the narrator comes in with the commentary. I liked it. Definitely sets it apart from all t he other fics here. Reminds me of those fairy tales I read so long ago - which is what you're trying to convey, is it not? - but in "modern Pokeworld day".

The characters seem well-developed with a good beginning. Emmet with his attitude, and I find myself quite liking him. He is the main character, of course, but I can't help but like the narrator's more prominant voice at this point, though, technically he isn't quite a "character".

To me he is. And yes, I do love all that blatent forshadowing.

One thing I would like to put to your attention:


Allow me a pause for a short description of Emmett. He was a small boy (and would be a small adult as well) -- his father’s genes for height having ignored him entirely—but he was surprisingly broad.

That doesn't sound right to me, and I don't think it's structured correctly. I'm no grammar structure queen, so I may be wrong. But the -- his fathers genes stuff -- doesn't seem right to me. I'd try deleting them, and starting with a new sentence. You could try something like: "His fathers genes for height seemed to have ignored him entirely; nevertheless, he was surprisingly broad.

But that's just my take. I'll read more later!

Act
17th October 2005, 10:57 PM
You got it all down pretty well :)

That sentence... yeah, it's always irked me. I think I'll take your suggestion... ^^;

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I aim to please!

Ryano Ra
20th November 2005, 11:49 PM
Well, I haven't seen Act in a long time, but nevertheless, I shall ask when the next update for this will be coming. I really love this story and I'd hate to see it die away so quickly. ^^;

Act
21st November 2005, 12:03 AM
Thia exact second, Act is trying to get her ideas together and write the final part of the prologue ^^;

I have an issue regarding a pokemon, and I'm having real trouble figuring out how to get over this lump. What I really, really need right now is a dark-type ledgendary, but it doesn't exist.

Hehe... I'm looking forward to typing up the warnings and rating explanations and such, so maybe I'll do that first and it will get me in the mood. I really want to start writing again, escpeciially since now I have a week off from school. It makes me happy just to think about getting things going again. I love doing this :)

So, /endrant. Much love.

(letsgorangers)

Ryano Ra
21st November 2005, 12:13 AM
Oh, that's very good then. ^^ I shall be patiently waiting for the final part to be posted, typing out many one-shots as the quest continues.

I'd love to read about this Dark-type Legendary of yours, since I am assuming it will be a Pokemon of your creation and imagination, yes? I love reading about them, although for me, it is sometimes hard to describe their distinct features when they are totally new to the world, discussing how they interact with the world and its environment. But, you'll do a fantastic job when this legendary, especially since it's an actual legendary. ^^

Act
21st November 2005, 12:22 AM
I'd love to read about this Dark-type Legendary of yours, since I am assuming it will be a Pokemon of your creation and imagination, yes? I love reading about them, although for me, it is sometimes hard to describe their distinct features when they are totally new to the world, discussing how they interact with the world and its environment. But, you'll do a fantastic job when this legendary, especially since it's an actual legendary. ^^

That's the thing, though. I have the pokemon created, I just cannot use it. Outside of my own fanon, it dosn't make sense to have it exist. And I'm having a lot of trouble replacing it-- it's possible, but it'd take a lot of plot tweaking, and I'm having issues deciding who to replace it with. It's hard to explain in a few sentences, but trust me, it has to be replaced. No way around it.

I guaruntee you, nothing that you're thinking plot-wise is going to happen xD. This poke-genre I'm in may be the most ignored, and most Sueish.

Ryano Ra
21st November 2005, 12:31 AM
That's the thing, though. I have the pokemon created, I just cannot use it. Outside of my own fanon, it dosn't make sense to have it exist. And I'm having a lot of trouble replacing it-- it's possible, but it'd take a lot of plot tweaking, and I'm having issues deciding who to replace it with. It's hard to explain in a few sentences, but trust me, it has to be replaced. No way around it.

I guaruntee you, nothing that you're thinking plot-wise is going to happen xD. This poke-genre I'm in may be the most ignored, and most Sueish.Well then, does it necessarily have to be a legendary? If so, might I suggest using one of the legendary beasts (Suicune, Entei, Raikou) or the Destructive Regi (Regiice, Registeel, Regirock). Those seem to be rather neutral legendaries that if used well, can be a wonderful add-on to any story. In your case, since you are such an experienced writer, you'd use it so perfectly. ^^

Well, I wish you the best of luck in your complications, hoping you override them with ease in the near future. Again, I'm very much looking forward to the next installment, however far into the distance it may be.

mindripper
1st December 2005, 8:46 PM
He was a bright boy—destined to be labeled something or another as a teen—and wanted nothing more than to be a famous scientist when he grew up.

Hate to say this, but this is a pretty off-putting line. "Something or another" tells us absolutely nothing about your character, and vaguely gives one the impressions that you are a sub-par writer, which I assure you that you are not. However, the danger exists of generalisation there.


Larissa was her father’s face and mother’s mind, and Emmett his mother’s face and father’s mind

I do not know about this. If you used "had", I would have been entirely fine with everything, but "was" is simply a criminal word to use here.


But that is little but a summary, and a summary usually leaves out several important details.

Conjunction repitition right there.

Sorry about that. I usually do not nitpick on mistakes, unless they really jar me. I generally appreciate your great use of a narrator in the fic. Once upon a time, I used one as well, and it was so fun. Your alternations betwee the past and present tense are also difficult to plot exactly, but you must be careful with those, as I spotted several instances for which a harsher person than me would have construed them to be incorrect tenses. I cannot really comment too much on the plot right now, as the installments have been pretty short as of now, and I have not seen enough to let me know what I am in for. I trust you will do a good job in the future.

Hey, is this fic's name designed to rhyme with your own?

Act
1st December 2005, 10:00 PM
Heylo.


Hate to say this, but this is a pretty off-putting line. "Something or another" tells us absolutely nothing about your character, and vaguely gives one the impressions that you are a sub-par writer, which I assure you that you are not. However, the danger exists of generalisation there.

I intended to make a generalization-- it wasn't an attempt at character building, it was true (in the narrator's point of view). People tend to do that-- label and generalize people. And please do keep in mind that what the narrator thinks is necessarily what I think. The narration is very biased.

I'm not sure how is degrades my ability... is there something wrong with it grammatically? Is the syntax poor? I just want to be sure, for when I go in to fix errors.


I do not know about this. If you used "had", I would have been entirely fine with everything, but "was" is simply a criminal word to use here.

I'd really love to know the reasoning behind that view. You would say, "I am just like my father in the way I think," (to be) not, "I have the same thoughts as my father," (to have) I dunno, it seems to change the meaning. :shrug: Please do explain.


Your alternations betwee the past and present tense are also difficult to plot exactly

I swap tenses, really? Maybe it was a mistake. Off the top of my head, I don't remember doing that on purpose. I should look... I'll get back to you on that, actually.


Hey, is this fic's name designed to rhyme with your own?

Nope. :)

Thank you very much for your review-- I appreciate it.

Act
3rd December 2005, 11:48 PM
Edit: What, someone rates the thread a 1 and doesn't even bother to flame me? Ungrateful people.

Edit II I fixed up some errors that I found myself and changed around some weird sentences. It's officially v. 1.2

OMFG. THIS POST CONTAINS PART III!

xD I'm very happy for me, tah-hank you :P. Though I do dread putting this up. This is actually the first draft (which I usually post at PC), so it probably has some errors or inconsistancies. Generally, by the time it gets here, it's in its third or fourth draft, but everywhere I usually go is pretty inactive, so you guys get the crappy version. Sorry :(. I haven't a beta (though I would like one... :hint:.) :P

Nay, onward!

---

Insomnia is not something to be taken lightly. Emmett was meditating on this and how he would give anything to fall asleep when he heard a loud noise, akin to a door slamming shut.

The mind of a child works in strange ways, ways usually only understood by people as they live with children. A teen cannot quite comprehend the babblings of a toddler, nor a twentysomething the wavering moods of a teen. Emmett’s mind registered some things I cannot quite explain the origin of, but they occurred to him nonetheless. What was the cause of this noise? Why, aliens of course.

Emmett sat up in bed. Or ghosts, back to take revenge on his family for building their house on a sacred burial ground. It could have been, he reasoned, a robber. But the latter was not nearly as intimidating nor exciting. After all, it made more sense to be afraid something you cannot understand or fight as opposed to a mortal being that could be overcome by something as simple as a baseball bat.

Footsteps echoed from the small house’s lower level. Emmett slid out of bed and located a small, souvenir hockey stick that he kept hanging on the wall. The realization that there might actually be someone unwelcome in his house was infinitely more terrifying than his mind had fabricated it to be.

He stood in the corner of his room for several minutes, hoping that another family member would rise and inspect the sleeping house for him, but twelve-fifty-three turned to one-seventeen, and still no noise came from the hallway outside his room. In a rush of admirable naivety, Emmett began to creep out of his room and down the stairs, in that silent and innocent way that only young children can; the ability to defy logic seems to be lost as reality sets into a maturing mind.

Emmett reached the end of the stairwell and pressed his back against the wall. A wave of comfort washed over him as he heard his mother’s voice from the kitchen.

“…just go… talk to him, okay?” Justine sighed a brief, squeaking, painful sigh. It was one of the sighs of parenthood that any mother would recognize from another as a sign of dealing with a child. But Emmett did not know this. Images of murderers and thieves crept back into his head as he heard his mother talking to someone he could not see.

“…everything’ll be okay, I promise…” Emmett’s heart rate slowed again. He told himself he was too old for this kind of stress.

Now, footsteps came toward the stairwell. In his young way, Emmett raced like a fox up the stairs and threw himself into his bed, hockey stick and all. When he saw his mother step into his room, he shut his eyes. Ah, another art of the child: pretending to be asleep.

Contrary to his earlier desires, Emmett did not want to fall back into unconsciousness. However, Justine sat at her son’s bedside (for whatever reason, she felt it necessary at that moment), and Emmett was overcome by the stillness, the darkness, and the silence.



.::|i|::.


Twenty-four hours later, it was the sound of doors and feet that roused Emmett from his sleep once more.

He pulled the covers over his head, begging the good Lord to let him fall back to sleep. But the good Lord had more important plans, and none of them involved Emmett regaining the slumber that had been taken so rudely from him.

The covers were thrown off his face, and he stared at the ceiling, aggravated. He lay there like this for several minutes, forgetting about the strange noise that had disturbed him. Instead, he sang to himself quietly, a horse whisper, trying to lull himself back into unawareness.

I’m tired and I want to go to bed…

The song had many memories attached to it, including one very interesting firework escapade the summer prior to the occurrences now being described. Emmett could clearly hear his mother, aunt, and uncle singing the song in faulty harmony at his cousin’s house on Christmas. He could see the jerky motions of the family pet—a bitter old pidgey—as even it sang, unable to resist the happiness in the room. Holidays were always a time of family and fun.

…I had a little drink about an hour ago, and it went right to my head…

Emmett recalled the events of the previous day. It had been a nice day. Much to Justine’s dismay, her son had begun to ask for permission to go unsupervised into the nearby town with his friends. This particular day, Emmett had gone with a group of boys—Ian included—to play stickball on their school’s playground and into the town itself to have lunch.

…and where ever I may roam…

More noise from downstairs. He could hear, now—he had always been able to hear well, though he would admit his eyesight was sub-par—he could hear his mother’s voice as she addressed his sister, with a reserved harshness.

He squeezed the pillow over his head and gave the bed a kick. He wanted to go back to bed. He knew now that it was nothing more than a petty argument between mother and daughter, and that he did not care much about. He did, however, have some concern about not being able to get back to sleep for the next few hours. As any insomniac knows, waking up at night might just mean being up for the day.

…on land, or sea, or foam…

He made his way across the hall, into the bathroom. A change of scenery always did his senses good when he found himself struggling to sleep, and it always would. He continued to play the tune in his head, praying that some form of tiredness would come over him. Maybe he could just drop dead there, in the sink. He mentally urged his mother and sister to shut up and go to bed themselves.

…you can always hear me singin’ this song…

Crossing back into his room, he heard the front door click shut. It was not a slam, but a normal, everyday, act of the closing off of the entrance to their house. It was followed several minutes later by another click.

This was strange.

Emmett rushed downstairs. He inspected every room in the house, even though he was fairly sure it was empty after he saw no one in the front hall. Lastly he checked his parent’s room, hoping to find his father there avoiding the whole mess. The climb up the stairs was slow and tedious, even though he felt he was running his fastest (which, incidentally, was not all too fast). His father was nowhere to be found.

The door clicked a third time, but now it was Emmett, in his pajamas, running through their front yard, trying to figure out which direction everyone had headed in.

…show me the way to go home…

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of his sister in the backyard. He raced toward her, angry at himself for not having confronted his mother the night before; he accused himself of everything he could think of, until he tripped over a root concealed by a patch of weeds. He hit the ground hard, and lay there for several seconds, trying to collect himself.

…go home.



.::|ii|::.


Laryssa knew already. Yet, she was still shaken by the scene. She wondered, feared for the future of everything and everyone.

That was the state Emmett found her in, out in the woods. He had no desire to let her know that he had followed them, so when she came into view he crept away to the side in his quiet way. He came upon the scene from a different angle.

His parents stood there in an embrace that seemed mutually reluctant. He could clearly see his father’s face, staring into a nonexistent abyss, the expression a strange medley of relief and fear. Justine’s face was buried in his shoulder, the young woman’s countenance hidden from public view.

And suddenly, a wave of feelings overcame Emmett. At first he couldn’t understand what they were—some, he didn’t even recognize as feelings—but, as he listened to his parent’s words, the oddities of his life piled up. Things he had blown off as quirky became evidence against the solemn face, and Emmett could only think about what an idiot he was. Time slowed (as it does in my recounting the scene, which seems to only be able to convey itself properly in slow motion and in the most indirect of ways possible).

Emmett ran. He wasn’t sure where he was headed, but he hoped it was toward his bed. Leaves and twigs breaking and rustling were a symphony underneath his feet, the playful na&#239;vet&#233; of children gone from his muscles. He wanted to run, needed to. Quietness was a ridiculous thing to worry about.

But, as he tripped over the same root, he realized he had nowhere to go. There was no place wanted to go…

Do you have any intention of ever going on a pok&#232;mon journey?

He needed to run.

Why or why not?

He needed to.

…the ten or so children that would leave at the end of the next week…

So, dear reader, he did. But no matter where he ran in life, however far away, the question that had chased him through the woods that night would always find him.

Then… what am I?

---

:) Do review.

Dilasc
4th December 2005, 1:03 AM
As you asked, I am here.

It is good, make no mistake. I am not too good at reviewing good fics, so excuse me if I'm a bit brief. At the very least though, I noticed a few errors that you can correct, if I may point them out.


She is not quiet.

Now, I don't see what her noise level has to do with anything. Did you mean to use the word 'quite' instead of quiet? I think it quite goes with the context.


less likely to strike up conversation with whomever happened to walk up to her.

I don't know, but I thinkadding an 'a' before conversation just a bit more proper, but that's just me, either that or pluralize conversation.

Other than those, I cant seem to find any errors that stand out.

Act
4th December 2005, 2:10 PM
Now, I don't see what her noise level has to do with anything. Did you mean to use the word 'quite' instead of quiet? I think it quite goes with the context.

Hn, I'll have to check the sentence. I really don't remeber the context.

Anywho, thank you very much :)

I'll get on those later today.

And I'll reciprocate... I promise.

Ryano Ra
4th December 2005, 2:54 PM
“…just go… talk to him, okay?” Justin sighed, a brief, squeaking, painful sigh. It was one of the sighs of parenthood that any mother would recognize from another as a sign of dealing with a child. But Emmett did not know this. Images of murderers and thieves crept back into his head as he heard his mother talking to someone he could not see.I especially loved this bit right here, for you play realism in this story oh-so-perfectly. However, I think you forgot an 'e' on Justine's name, for it baffled me a bit when I thought that Emmett has a brother. o.o

Hmm...I loved it. It was mixed with impressive vocabularly, and beautiful narrative of yours, and the right amount of realism. It tore through the heavens like slicing ice; it just got better from your last installment, in which made me feel as though you are such a talented author with great narrative skills. I dream that someday, in the future, I will be able to write a Pokemon Fanfiction like this; however, if I haven't already asked, what would be the genre of this? Or, shall I await for the first chapter to judge myself?

Also, I must compliment you on capturing the teenage mind cleverly; playing asleep in the bed and being curious when you hear sounds just made it seem as though this was too beautiful and real. I loved it. Realism here, realism there, realism everywhere. X3 Fantastic job; I look forward to the next installment.

Act
4th December 2005, 3:09 PM
owever, I think you forgot an 'e' on Justine's name, for it baffled me a bit when I thought that Emmett has a brother. o.o


Hah! I caught that when I proofread again not too long ago. :)


however, if I haven't already asked, what would be the genre of this?

Hum, I'm not too sure... do you mean pokemon-fanfiction genre (OT, talk show, pokemoph, etc.), or overall genre (action, fantasy, horror, etc.)?

I hope you'll be able to figure out the former by the end of the first chapter, but the latter... I don't really know. Hn... I put it under 'general' on ffNET, but... that's not too helpful. It could fall under sci-fi, action/adventure, drama, fantasy... that's why I put general... it encompasses a lot of things. Sorry... not too helpful, since 'general' in our fandom means OT, which this isn't.

Aside, thank you very much-- I'm infinitely flattered x). I'm really glad you enjoy it.

Ryano Ra
4th December 2005, 4:05 PM
Oh...I would consider this of Drama/Fantasy, if you ask me, because of strong narrative being that somehow associated to Fantasy more than others, plus, it's pretty dramatic and all. But, I just wanted to know, since I am compiling a Nomination List and I need to know genres of stories and such.

OMG, I can't wait for the next installment. o.< I just really, really love the concept and narrative and realism blended together to make it flow pretty nicely. 8D I think I'll read it one more time before my eyes bleed.

Vigoroth Clone
4th December 2005, 5:37 PM
Act can you help me with my own books?

Act
8th December 2005, 12:04 AM
Uh... please don't spam up my thread. If you have something unrelated to the fic to ask me, please do it through PM :)

Saffire Persian
14th December 2005, 12:57 AM
All-in-all I liked the third installment. i can't help but wonder what Emmett's parents said in the forest to frighten Emmett so much, and to no doubt spur him on to his Pokemon Journey. Which, if this is true, is a nice change from the usual way I see writers put characters into the very same situation. It's a nice break from the norm.

I also liked how you integrated the lyrics of the song into the prose - I particularly love when writers do that, I dunno why. I just like that sort of thing.

I still love the narrator during all this - he/she (I automatically view it as a "he", for some reason) narrates with his own quirk to it - that sort of humor that makes it pleasant to read. I think I've said I view this narrator as a character, haven't I? Ah well.

I couldn't spot any errors, but my proofreading eye isn't as great as I'd like, sorry. ^^

Act
15th December 2005, 12:32 AM
and to no doubt spur him on to his Pokemon Journey. Which, if this is true, is a nice change from the usual way I see writers put characters into the very same situation. It's a nice break from the norm.


;) It's not an OT. Mua!


I also liked how you integrated the lyrics of the song into the prose - I particularly love when writers do that, I dunno why. I just like that sort of thing.

I was worried it was too much-- too cheesy. Good to know you liked it.

Thanks very much for the review :)

Brian Powell
15th December 2005, 12:22 PM
Read everything so far. And so far, I’m impressed with a few things but I haven’t found the ‘spark’ yet.

I like your writing style, very unique and original, with the narrator talking about it and such. The plot, the characters and the descriptions are great and the length is okay but I spotted a couple of errors…


Laryssa knew already. Yet, she was still shaken by the scene. She wondered, feared for the future of everything and everyone.
Don’t you mean Larissa? That name got me confused for a second there.


And so began the trek home.
Don’t you mean, ‘And so they began their trek home’?

Other than those negatives, your fic’s beginning to interest me. One thing puzzles me, what were Emmett’s parents saying that made him freak out?

Overall score: 3.5/5

mindripper
15th December 2005, 6:52 PM
Edit: What, someone rates the thread a 1 and doesn't even bother to flame me? Ungrateful people.

Sigh, it is a necessary evil I guess. No one bothers about ratings, I certainly do not!


A teen cannot quite comprehend the babblings of a toddler, nor a twentysomething the wavering moods of a teen.

How true! It is just like your parents nagging at you when you were a child-- you wish they would understand your circumstance, but this often falls on deaf ears. However, I do think that in a way people do understand the phases of their life when they outgrow them, but it is more of a psychology shift causing people to have different mindsets as compared to when theyw ere actually going through said periods.


Twenty-four hours later, it was the sound of doors and feet that roused Emmett from his sleep once more.

Is this truly the best way to put it? As in, saying "doors'" and associating it with sound gives an impression that verges on the vague. Perhaps an action word should be inserted?

All in all this chapter was pretty well written, along the lines of your previous chapters, except that it was a lot more character based. The length could have been a little longer, but it made a refreshing read. Good work, and do not let the rating get you down.

Act
15th December 2005, 9:54 PM
and the length is okay

The length could have been a little longer,

I'm aiming for short 15-1900 word chapters, because it's more motivating for me as a writer to feel like I can be concise... with 'Miscon...' the big issue I have is that the chapters are anywhere from 8-12 pages long, and it's very difficult for me to find the intiative to write for such long periods of time. You can complain about lengh as much as you'd like, but--although chapters will get longer now that I'm out of the prolgue-- it won't be too drastic. It's much... well, easier for me this way. That sounds so... bad...


Don’t you mean Larissa? That name got me confused for a second there.

I did. Laryssa is how the girl I know spells her name. My bad. Same name-- I'll get on that.


Don’t you mean, ‘And so they began their trek home’?

Nope. I meant it how it is. The trek home began. It could be said either way, but that's how I decided to word it. :)


One thing puzzles me, what were Emmett’s parents saying that made him freak out?

That's the idea.


Overall score: 3.5/5

Fwee, that's lower than I'd like. Is there anything specific you think I'd need to improve on? I aim to please.

---


Perhaps an action word should be inserted?

Perhaps! I'm not a fan of my syntax, either. I shall take a look at it.


Good work, and do not let the rating get you down.

Thank you. Heh, the rating doesn't bother me, I just love getting flamed for concrits! xP

Thank you both very much! Hopefully, things will pick up now that I'm starting into the main part of the fic. I appreciate it muchly :)

Kiyohime
16th December 2005, 3:21 AM
I think this fanfiction will be like a rolling snowball; it begins small and slow but ends up as a colossus smashing and flattening everything in its path. x3 Merry Christmas. D:

I usually don't do review requests anymore (too darned lazy, sadly) but I've read Misconception which made me tremendously respect you a lot as an author, so here I am, fee fi fo fum and all that jazz. XD

I can symphatize with the mysterious star ratings-- as of late my fanfictions seem to keep getting one and two-star ratings for no apparent reason. o.o;; It's all very mysterious. XD

Now on to the actual review. Everyone's already picked out the mistakes, so nothing left for me to nibble on. D: So I'll tell you what I like about this. :3

Breaking the fourth wall isn't easy to do, but I think you do it quite well. You've got a solid way of building up the characters and the narrative, which all falls into place quite easily, and it;s easy to go with the flow, since everything's so realistically rendered. For example, you did a remarkable job writing how a child would react. I recall you mentioend in Malice that you were around children a lot or something to that extent, which I think was a boon to your writing, as you can write children more realistically than some stereotypical souped-up hyper gas molecules passed off as ten-year olds.

What I find remarkable is that the prologue has not shown any Pokemon so far, so I'm guessing that this is based heavily on character development. If it turns out to be a full-blooded trainer journey, I'm curious to see how a child's wisdon will help carry him on such a journey. So I'll be lurking around. ^.^

I honestly don't do number ratings or sprite awards, but I will say this: Your work sets you aside from most authors, as it breaks away from the norms of a typical narrative. Your writing and vocabulary is refreshing, as is the style of narrative.

Kveran
16th December 2005, 4:57 AM
PROLOGUE:

I've got to start this off with personal preference. As a reader and grammarian, I'm likely to hit the back button if I see that someone has used the slang "Da" instead of "the" within the first twenty words of a story. This could potentially work if this piece were straight humor, but just titling the prologue "Prologue" would and will suffice.

"You see, more often than not a lonesome word is infinitely more powerful than the harangues of description most would use in its place. It invokes a single, easily deciphered emotion as opposed to a jumble of feelings that leave little wake as they pass by."

May I have permission to quote this line ad nauseum to some of the people for whom I've edited? Well said indeed!

"--demonstrative, for those who are that particular--"

As someone who tends to be "that particular", I love this line.

The POV of this prologue is somewhat unusual- one doesn't often see prologues that shatter the fourth wall as blatantly as this (or at least, one doesn't see such prologues unless one enjoys reading 1800's literature.) Because of its novelty it was a little hard for me to get into the story at the beginning, although to be fair, this may well be because I was bouncing up and down in sheer glee at your recognition of the power of one "lonesome word." I don't think that this is a problem because as soon as the reader realizes that you're just breaking the fourth wall, they relax and start enjoying the storyline. But you may get some comments that say that this POV made it hard for them to work their way into the story.

Main problem that I see with this prologue is your punctuation. It's there, and it's there (mostly) correctly, but American English grammar has commas and periods on the inside of parentheticals and quotation points, with a few exceptions. Based off of your given location I'm assuming that you are American; I know that British English grammar is somewhat different. There are exceptions to this rule, but none of them come into play in this prologue, so I'm not going to cite those unless you particularly want to know. Anyway, because of this rule, phrases like "...(and possibly to some not good-looking at all)." would read "...(and possibly to some not good-looking at all.)" This is because the sentence completes itself inside of the parentheticals. Ditto for "...(though truly she reached him through her father's occupation)," although here, you don't even need the ending comma. Same goes for your quotations and apostrophes: "She, on the other hand, merits the word 'there'." The period should be inside the concluding apostrophe. By the way, you also changed tenses in this sentence; "merits" should be "merited."

Your use of a double hyphen is personal preference and there's nothing technically wrong with it, but it breaks up the flow of the sentence even more than a single hyphen.

Other than that, great introduction! Moving right along.

CHAPTER ONE

I love the way you opened this. I can just hear the little kid's voice.

First nitpicky grammatical/usage comment: I don't believe that "alright" is a word. I go by the OED and I haven't seen it in there yet. This should be "all right." (Paragraph 3.) Also in the same paragraph, your use of dialect (ten-year-old using the word "like" where it's grammatically unnecessary) is right on, but a ten-year-old would not set off the word by pauses but proceed right through: "'I don't mind like losing or anything...'" I also hear this particular bit of dialect more in girls than guys, but that might be a regional difference.

The punctuation that you used in your second sentence of description of Emmett is off. You need neither the parentheticals nor the hyphens. It should read "He was a small boy, and would be a small adult as well, his father's genes for height having ignored him entirely, but he was surprisingly broad." This is the most basic way to punctuate the sentence. If you wanted to set off "...and would be a small adult as well, his father's genes for height having ignored him entirely..." further, you could enclose that in parentheticals, but it's not strictly necessary. Your comment about Emmett's sister's fashion complaint seems out of place since we haven't met Emmett's sister and anyway, we're in the middle of meeting Emmett himself. While it's a good description, I'm not sure you really need it. But for the sake of the example, this could be better punctuated as: ...his darker complexion and hair. In fact, his older sister often complained that no clothing looked right on her: what matched her skin tone jarred with her eye color, and vice versa." I understand your love for parentheticals but in many cases you use them where you could use commas, or set the text off with a colon, instead. In other cases you could divide the sentence entirely: "He had taken the classes and such. It was required, something he had always found very strange." (Additionally, in the second sentence "it" should be "they." Ditto for your hyphens: "He was a bright boy, destined to be labelled something or other as a teen, and wanted nothing more than to be a famous scientist when he grew up."

Interesting first chapter. Nothing the matter with your content and I'm growing to like your utter disregard for the fourth wall, and getting quite comfortable with the story since it reads like someone sitting next to me, recounting a tale.

CHAPTER TWO

"It could have been, he reasoned, a robber. But the latter was not nearly as intimidating nor exciting."

I love this line...

"After all, it made more sense to be afraid something you cannot understand or fight as opposed to a mortal being that could be overcome by something as simple as a baseball bat."

...but this one completely steals its thunder and makes the originality more commonplace. It's understood why ghosts would be preferable to a robber; the description doesn't need to be there.

"but twelve-fifty-three turned to one-seventeen, and still no noise came from the hallway outside his room."

You say that this is a bold ten-year-old; he would maybe wait five minutes if he was extraordinarily patient. Having him wait over twenty minutes is way too long for a kid of his age. Also, in the next line, "naivety" is not a word. I believe you're looking for "naivete." There's an accent on the final 'e'.

"parent’s"
Last I saw, Emmett had two parents; thus this would read "parents'"

I love the way you described the split between his parents. This is exactly as a child would see it and you don't need to mention the word "divorce" to know what happened. At least, I'm assuming that this is what's going on. You've built up the story to end on a cliffhanger. Neatly done!

Also, you get a definite smile from me for your use of the song in this chapter. Part of that is because my mom used to sing this to me as a lullaby, so it gives Emmett's use of the song more of a personal impact, but also, well-done songficcing is an art and you've done it well.

OVERALL

Thank goodness for original writers! I don't do the number ratings, the sprite points, or anything like that, but I do give out cookies- and you get a cookie for your great use of POV. You say "Fourth wall? What fourth wall?" without batting an eye and the narration sounds realistic. Grammar is spotty in some places, most notably punctuation in the prologue, but content is great and your buildup of tension neatly crafted. You've captured the mind of this child. Well done!

Ryano Ra
28th December 2005, 8:53 PM
Being as this is such a great story, I couldn't help but reread the installments that you have added.

Might I add something to the review that I think I haven't; your vocabulary and word choice. I never thoroughly covered this topic, and since I've been picking out certain things to read and review, I might as well comment. Your vocabularly is very extensive, which is just great, while still holding the essence of simplicity. I don't know how you are able to use such wonderful words and vocabularly, but still give them off in a 'simply beautiful' kind-of way. That is something that I really, really love about your writing, and I shall await for the next installment.

Act
2nd January 2006, 10:49 PM
Hey, all, thanks for the reviews. I really can't reply extensively right now, but I think you all deserve to know that you are in fact appreciated. I'll edit in some replies soon, probably after January 12.

Ryano Ra
3rd January 2006, 2:43 AM
Hey, all, thanks for the reviews. I really can't reply extensively right now, but I think you all deserve to know that you are in fact appreciated. I'll edit in some replies soon, probably after January 12.Well, go ahead and take your time, Act, we are definitely patient enough for those installments. ^^ I'll be looking forward to a future chapter/input, however far into the future that may be.

Sike Saner
5th January 2006, 5:20 AM
I have been out of this thread for way the frell too long....

Well, the latest installment does reinforce the notion that you are quite skilled as a writer, and especially when it comes to the narrative style you use. I just love it - I could eat this stuff like popcorn. Still characterizing very well, too; all the characters do seem very realistically human. No oopses either, or else I simply failed to notice them. (Admittingly, I don't have the best eye for that.) At any rate, nothing to distract me from enjoying the story.


Couple of elements that stood out while I was reading:


As any insomniac knows, waking up at night might just mean being up for the day.

Seriously. I know EXACTLY what you mean there, from personal experience.


He could clearly see his father’s face, staring into a nonexistent abyss, the expression a strange medley of relief and fear.

Gorgeous choice of words. Love that. ^^


It seems that I can definitely count on you for quality, so it would be just criminal of me to be late for another chapter. Be sure to assault me with a volley of pies if ever I'm late again. :p

Act
28th January 2006, 6:15 PM
Seriously. I know EXACTLY what you mean there, from personal experience.

Same. Not good times.

Anyway, I've actually started writing the next chapter, and there's never a bad time to bump your own post with semi-worthless information that somehow makes it not against the rules to spam.

Aside, le wh00t! 50 posts :)

Anyway, I hope to get the next chapter (or the first one, depending on how you look at it) out by mid-February. Not quite my original plan, but I wanted to go to Messier Night. So sue me.

Later days.

(Hey, this is pretty funny. Every time this gets bumped an extra '1' gets averaged into my star rating :P But I really want a flame. Hey, will you flame me? Please? I know you're out there!)

ShadowCloud62
15th February 2006, 2:26 AM
I received your PM and decided to indeed review.
The prologue. Short, but I'm not complaining. The subtle yet impeccable description is fabulous.
Chapter One. The name. Laryssa. Pretty name. Great chapter, didn't see mistakes.
Chapter Two. Great. Loved it. Awesome, and again no mistakes.


Okay seriously, all together, great story! I'm looking forward to reading more of this ficcy!!!!

Act
17th February 2006, 2:28 AM
Thanks muchly for the review.

Anyway, the next chapter is done, and currently being runned through a beta who pwns me. It should be posted by Saturday, assuming it's not so awful that I need to scrap it and totally write it over.

:) Hpoefully I still have readers xD

Overwhelming_Latias
19th February 2006, 12:27 AM
Wow. You've got quite a good thing going here. I've missed quite a bit, so this may be a long (ish) review:

Good Points
-You break the 'fourth wall', and it works. The prologue (in all three) parts, reminded me of a lengthy Shakespearian soliloquy. You address the reader directly, and it shines through when you ask:


Do you remember that first crush, reader?

Brilliant. Kudos to you there.

-Your readers are roped them in as early as the third paragraph of 'Prewriting':


I think not.

Poignant. Well used in context with the previous two paragraphs. The reader is hooked almost immediately. Normally you have to read the whole prologue and maybe a few chapters to get the feel for something, but three paragraphs and you're in. Excellent.

-Your writing is flawless. Alright, aside of the expletive ("making an *** of you and me...") there is flow and consitency in your use of words and punctuation. The narrative just runs of the screen. :D Your grammar is pretty good also. I also love your extensive use of vocabulary. Nice to see you read and reread your work before posting up, ensuring there are no mistakes. :D

-Your characters are BELIEVABLE. I've grown tired with the income of half-baked fics with Mary Sue's and Gary Stu's meleded into poor narrative and dull description. It's clear your characters aren't going to fall into that trap... there's just so much to them. Emmett not wanting to train Pokemon... thats an especially good aspect of his persona that I like already. I'm sure that there will be more to come.

-"I'm tired and I want to go to bed.." How I remember THAT from my youth. It brings back a sense of nostalgia to it, the very sensation that Emmett feels also. An excellent means of placing the reader in his shoes somewhat... it certainly had me recalling memories of that song. Good work.

-Your description of characters is good. You go further than to just list their attributes, but tie that in with other factors (his father's height, Emmett would turn out to grow small etc etc). Very good.

-It's already been said, but there's been no Pokemon whatsoever, thus far. I like that. Shows that Pokemon aren't as central to the story as Emmett at all, at least for now. :D

-And of course its always refreshing to see romance in a fic that isn't shipping-related. VERY nice to see romance falling flat on it's face also:


She would finally make a move too late, many years later, if you find yourself curious. There’s no real love story here.

Better than the usual "and they fell in love and lived happily ever after" cliche crap. :D

'Bad' Points
-I think you could expand your description of locations just a tad more.

-Not really a 'bad point' or anything... Initially I was shocked at the shortness of the prologue ('Prewriting' of course). You've divided the prologue into three sections however, and I feel that it's a tad lengthy now. I hope your chapters maintain this sort of length.

Anyhoo, sorry for rambling on. Keep up the great work and I eagerly await the first chapter. *adds fic to sig*

-OL

Ryano Ra
19th February 2006, 12:34 AM
Thanks muchly for the review.

Anyway, the next chapter is done, and currently being runned through a beta who pwns me. It should be posted by Saturday, assuming it's not so awful that I need to scrap it and totally write it over.

:) Hpoefully I still have readers xDOh, that is fantastic news, I am very much looking forward to the next chapter, for it is supposingly should be posted sometime today. ^^ And yes, you still have readers - you might gain more, for people are starting to review more often.

Again, I'm flattered to hear the enlightening news of a possible new update sometime within the weekend. Do you have plans on obtaining a fanfictional (not technically a word, but it works, yes?) banner for it?

cyndaquil_dratini
20th February 2006, 12:06 PM
New reader? Did someone say you might gain a new reader? Bing!

Ahhhh! This is amazing. I'm hooked. I'm completely, totally hooked. I love this story. I love the way you present it, I love the personality you inject into every description. The description, oh, the description! it's just...so perfectly poignant. I love how you use the english language. It's just beautiful. Rave rave rave rave rave, you're bored now, I'm sorry, but it's just outstanding.

I saw this fic, and read the prologue, and I liked it, so I kept on reading. After reading everything so far, I like it less than the rest. I liek your characters the best. I think that the prologue (or the first half of the prologue, or whatever) does blabber on a little excessively. I agree with everything you're saying, I love the style you've said it in, I just don't think it really adds something to the story to go on that much.

Chapter one was brilliant. I liked the way you set up the characters. I loved...what did I love...there was a bit I loved...oh, yep. I loved the way you introduced jessie, with the assumption of the "corny love letter" and then it was a note to say clean out your locker. That was brilliant, it just summed up the relationship so well, I know exactly how these two connect. I love how you describe the characters in your story by showing, and saying, how they relate to other people, as opposed to what they look like, or what clothes they wear. It's a wonderful talent, to be able to recognise that much about people- because how you relate to other people, and different situations, like Emmet in bed in the next chapter, which I'll get to- really does define who we are, much more than appearance. The introduction of Larissa was interesting- she's a really real character, I relate to the way her and her brother inter-...um..inter-live, because I have a sister and we're like that.

Usually, I'm a real plot nazi, and I tell everyone who's plot ins't immediatly apparently to get their bum into gear and have something happen. But I didn't mind waiting in your fic, I think because your writing style is so enjoyable, because your sentence structure flows so nicely. So that surprised me, but I was thankful that you started the ball rolling right away in the next chapter.

I loved chapter one, I think its one of the best pieces of writing I've read on these forums...that and Negrek's prologue to the Ninetails story, I loved that too- but I liked chapter two better. The way you conveyed the feeling of being a child was really convincing, and reminded me of feelign the same way. It's wonderful that you can recreate these feelings; I related to every single action Emmet went and did, I especially loved the "fox running up the stairs" description, I still do that today..but I wouldn't tell anyone...but I just did.

I also loved your cliff-hanger. I'm a sucker for those, and leave them all over the place in my own fic- I think you pulled it off nicely, leaving us wanting more without being too corny.

I love the way you've avoided corn the whole way through this story, thats very impressive. I always aim to avoidcorn, thats my highest goal. I think, after this story, I'll aim to just write like you. Haha. I sound like I'm about to ask you for a lot of money or something. Buttering you up...nha. I do tend to get all excited when I find a wonderful fic, and this is the best of the best.

I think you did get away with the song, although I don't know what song it is. The lyrics are just the right amount of memory-pulling....I'm sure I've heard the words before, but I haven't got a clue what the song is.

But yes. Yes. Overall, this fic is incredibly impressive, and very definitely the best fanfic I've ever read. Don't think for a moment that that means I'll just say everything you write is brilliant, because -as IceKing has discovered- your biggest challenge as far as I'm concerned will be living up to your first three chapters, particularly the first one, which I thought was just brilliant.

And I did find one error, not counting the Laryssa name hting. I'm not gonna go find it tho, it takes too much effort now. next time I read this post, I might pick up on it and let you know. I don't care that much, it's a beautiful story.

Yay! Grovel, grovel, grovel.

Act
21st February 2006, 12:34 AM
Like, no way! Here it be.

As per usual, I thank all of my readers for their ego-enhancing completments, reassure them that every crticism is taken into account, and encourage them to concrit.

Hn, it looks shorter than the others. Which is odd, since I'm fairly sure it has the highst word count.

---


The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face.
-Jim Bishop

-

This is a story about life. Your middle-school teacher might call it coming-of-age. Take it for what it is, expect ups and downs, and pray for a happy ending… even when no one else feels like it can come.


.:i:.

Emmett opened the door to his house. It smelled the same. This had been a big concern of his: that the entire fabric of his household would have changed, thus affecting the odor.

He stepped in and methodically threw his things down on the loveseat by the door. The pickles were still in the door of the fridge; the couch still had that stain from the time Larissa had left a kiwi on it overnight. No time had passed.

Emmett would always look back on those three years as truly insignificant in his life. It was if the time had been sucked into a chasm—he left, he came back and things continued from where they had left off. It was a difficult sensation to explain, having his normal life just pick up again after all that time. Yet, he never gave it much thought, and neither shall we.

Life didn’t bother to nag at him until Larissa arrived home later that afternoon. She wasn’t surprised to see him—he had called ahead and told her that he was coming home—but the little brother in him was crushed that she didn’t actually make a big deal about his return.

He had been in the house for only a few hours before realizing that he had nothing to do, and he decided to roam around the town for a while. It was the Friday before eighth grade would start for his school, and the place was sure to be buzzing with people he knew.

The first familiar faces Emmett saw were not of his school friends or their parents, but of two young cashiers at a popular surf shop near his house. There were not too many surf shops in the heart of Celadon City, logically enough, and this boded well for their business. The little store had been there as long as Emmett could remember, and he couldn’t help feeling unimaginable relief when he saw not only that the store was still there, but that the young girl—the owner’s daughter—and the boy that had been working there since Emmett was nine still waited on customers.

He knew the girl’s name was Lauren, but he did not know the boy’s name and neither of them knew his. The gossip around his grade had always been that the two were madly in love with each other (at least as much as two tweens can be in love, which probably amounts to no more than a childish crush). More often than not the talk of the girls’ lunch table was not about each other, but about these mysterious mini-celebrities.

Time passed and, somehow, Emmett ended up at his grandfather’s workplace. This was quite a feat you see, as Mossdeep City was a relatively long journey from Celadon. The overnight boat trip eventually put him on the doorstep of the Mossdeep Labs Biological Division at around eight o’clock the next morning. By the time he was able to sit down in his grandfather’s office, gazing through the large Plexiglas window that overlooked the rest of the lab, it had been nearly twenty-four hours and was late afternoon.

“Finally home, are we?” The question was quiet and without emotion, as Dr. Christopher Solvati shuffled through papers on his desk, looking for some thing or another. After either locating it or giving up, he looked up at his grandson and posed the question with more passion, “Decided to come home, eh kid?”

Emmett felt he should say yes, wanted to say no, and said neither.

He had always admired his grandfather, ever since he was younger; talking to him was a kind of therapy. He had decided on the boat that he wanted to go in and, as discreetly as possible, bid his grandfather for sagely advice. On the doorstep, he resolved he wanted to go in, mope, and see what came of it. In truth, you see, he had no idea what he wanted, for what he truly wanted he could not have.

“Give me a word, Em! Can’t help you if you don’t say anything,” Chris said rather happily. The pleasant tone and casualness in his voice irked Emmett. He had known already; of course he had. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

A word was what he wanted, then. “Disturbed.” The word had come out sounding more monotone than Emmett had meant it—it was supposed to have a sarcastic edge in it somewhere and, frankly, it did not.

Chris gave a thoughtful grunt. “I can’t really blame you for that one. Continue, if you’d like.”

“I don’t know.” The sarcasm had made its way through in that one. Chris sighed and leaned back in his chair, which responded by swiveling a bit and making a distasteful squeaking noise. Chris laughed. So did Emmett, forgetting that he didn’t want to seem happy in any way, shape, or form. “So, did Gram know?” The question sounded almost lighthearted. Emmett was unendingly confused by his sudden inability to control the tone of his voice.

“Yes she did,” came the answer. Silence followed, creating awkwardness as it always did when it entered on cue.

“So is that a lie too, or what?” There was the missing tone. The words were bitter and sharp, just as they were when they had first made their way through Emmett’s mind.

Chris sighed. It was a pitiful sigh that Emmett resented. “Em, no one lied to you—”

“That’s complete and total crap and you know it.” Emmett hadn’t meant for that to come out harsh, but he had wanted it to. He took a deep breath, wishing he wanted to apologize. The room echoed noiselessness in response, silence again an actor with perfect timing. “Confused,” Emmett finally, quietly squeaked. Confusion was a small, squeaky feeling: that one had come out properly.

“Then let me help you.” There was desperation in Chris’ voice as he leaned over the desk, his crossed arms supporting his weight, his weight crackling and crunching the disheveled mass of papers.

Emmett nodded. If nothing else, he was fully aware of the fact that he needed help. This was an interesting shift of mindset, since he was rather sure that several seconds before he had been adamant on asking for nothing, and before that had a desire for advice.

“So tell me, then.” The tone was quiet, reserved. Emmett felt that, even he if he wanted to change his pitch, it wouldn’t come out any other way. Considering his luck with voice control this far, this was probably was not much of a stretch. “What,” he allowed the words ‘the God-damned hell’ to stay in his head, “Am I?”

“What, you couldn’t figure that out on your journey? That’s what you went to do, right? Solve all your problems?” Emmett could not find words for his surprise. He felt the insult well up in his eyes as he stared in disbelief at the thing that had come out of his grandfather’s mouth. The Silence must have been astounded by the biting comment as well, because the lack of sound that ensued was not awkward.

Emmett recoiled deep into his chair, and retreated himself into the mind he had been busy hating not long ago. He tried to stop himself from crying, and fought the urge to run out of the room that was the final place he wanted to locate any kind of consolation.

Chris closed his eyes and felt a twitch in his stomach. He sighed. “Em, I’m so sorry. Listen, kid…”

Emmett came out of his retreat. The grandparent he idolized had returned. He was thoroughly convinced that this was the only person who could give him comfort and he decided right then and there to cling onto that for dear life.

There was more silence, but it was untimely and, in being so, rather welcome. Chris gave Emmett time to collect himself while he wondered how he had let something like that come out of his mouth. Finally, Emmett released his breath loudly, gave a nod, and decided to restart the conversation. “What’s up?” His voice had quivered slightly, but otherwise the sound was as intended: friendly.

“Not too much, Em.” Chris paused to look, interested in something, at the screen of his computer. “Interesting word, isn’t it?”

“No. It’s ugly; I hate it. It’s hard, and weird. It doesn’t even have, like, normal letters in it. And it already has a meaning. I don’t want to be, like, assigned to a word that already exists for something else. That’s stupid,” Emmett replied, suddenly having regained control of his voice. The tone was casual, thoughtful, agitated, and as intended: like a child confiding in someone he trusts.

“That doesn’t mean it’s not interesting. Think of words like tape. Do you know how many meanings it has? But when you ask for a tape for your VCR, I don’t give you Scotch tape. And not too many people know the real, biological definition anyway. Even if they had an idea, it and your definition are similar enough.” Chris paused. “Hybrid. No, I don’t think it’s ugly. Maybe a little hard, but sculptures and hard and they’re not ugly, now are they? What word would you rather have?”

“A real one.” It didn’t take Emmett long to realize just how juvenile that particular answer was.

“Last I checked it was,” Chris replied softly, his attention having shifted back to the computer and the mess covering his workplace. The discussion was over; they had hit a wall. Uneventfully, Emmett said goodbye to his grandfather, and began dreading his arrival home. There was so much and the future to worry about.


.:ii:.

It is in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night that Feste the Fool addresses Olivia with a speech about the doubt in words. They are finicky, he claims, and any fool—or any Fool-- could easily manipulate them to mean what they do not, and to not mean what they do. Chris Solvati believed in this, and had mastered it. Only his family believed what he said was what he meant, and only Emmett believed he had nothing to hide. Only, Emmett believed because saw no other choice.

-----

Please, do comment :)

Ryano Ra
21st February 2006, 3:23 AM
ZING ZANG

ZANG ZING

ZING ZANG

*explodes* Wonderful! Wonderful narrative, just wonderful!

I loved the ending, it was just...majestic. Yes, majestic. (Please don't ask how it is majestic, but it is. It is, I tell you, it is!) Emmett is a very different kind of character, and what I love about him is that he's different. I love strange characters, and Emmett strikes me as eccentric. He's indeed a unique one. What is really enjoyable is the description blended with the narrative, creating a spicy, explosive chapter of character development and total enjoyment. Wonderful.

cyndaquil_dratini
21st February 2006, 7:39 AM
And here it is, see? I didn't like this chapter as much as the others, it seemed to be lacking the richness in description, in characterisation. I love how you're making us wait to find out the real story- I want you to tell it to me, now. But don't make your readers wait too long, or the build-up might become boring, and then the climax is nothing. Or people find it too difficult to follow, instead of being curious enough to keep reading.
I'm hoping, and assuming, that the next chapter will present with some straighter answers- where Emmet has been, what's been going on- so the story can take flight, so the plot is more than just a mystery waiting to be revealed. I think that's important- but I liked how you kept us waiting after this chapter.

I would have liked some more vivid description of Emmetts grandfather- with your other characters, you build up a personality by injecting it into the words they say, or the way other characters relate to them. I don't think there was the same cleverness here.

I loved Emmetts constant battle with tone of voice, and the way you focused on how each sentence was being worded- because in those situations, tiny details liek that begin to matter a lot more.

I liked the characters at the surf shop, they were very realistic. I liked Larissa's response to Emmet's return. Makes me wonder- how long has he actually been gone for? What's been going on? I liek the fact that theres a surf shop in Celadon, that's very realistic, I relate to that a lot.

You missed out that as before the if in this sentence near the start:


It was if the time had been sucked into a chasm—he left, he came back and things continued from where they had left off.

And in this sentence, the Silence is important, but I'm not sure if you meant for it to be a proper noun or not:


The Silence must have been astounded by the biting comment as well, because the lack of sound that ensued was not awkward.

I loved Emmet's "confused"- i loved the way you described it, that was a beautiful sentence. I didn't like the way his grandfather kept calling him Em, simply because it made me think he was saying Erm...and I realise he wasn't, but every time I read it, I had to reread it to make sure, and it interrupted the flow of the story a bit.

I think the grandfather could have had a lot more personality- I found the conversation, and the revalation that Emmet is some kind of hybrid, a little corny, a lot less real than alot of the rest of the story. I didn't like this sentence:


Time passed and, somehow, Emmett ended up at his grandfather’s workplace.

I usually love the way you flow your writing, but this seemed to jar. The story moved way too quickly from a really interesting, dramatic part of the sotry- where Emmett came home, for the first time in however long, and sees his sister and his home and Celadon again, and then straight to a different location. Suddenlly we're at Mossdeep, and all those feeligns fo being at home, and having to deal with being back at home, are gone, because Mossdeep is so far away. Even if Mossdeep was a place Emmett visited a lot as a little kid, it changed the feel of the story for me too much- Emmett had just been a long way away and come back, and suddenlly he was a logn way away again.

The actual plot has the possibility of being a corny sci-fi anime type thing, but I have great faith that you'll steer it away from that direction. The hybrid thing does interest me- I like how you gave us just one word to think about- I can tell you love playing with the english language.

Perhaps another reason I enjoyed this chapter less than the others is that the narrator's personality (your personality, I assume) was much less apparent. The style was kind of almost too much like a hundred other stories I could have read.

But, all that said, I think this chapter was wonderful, and the story itself is building nicely. Could you maybe PM me or something when you post a new chapter? This is one of my favourite stories to read at the moment, I don't wanna miss a thing.

Act
21st February 2006, 3:04 PM
To be honest, I didn't like this chapter either. It was difficult to get out, and I wasn't too sure how to introduce the concept. My beta seemed to enjoy it, though, more than the last chapter, which was nice, but it was very filler-ish and I wasn't too fond of it. That's why I asked her to beta, as a matter of fact.

I actually tried to insert a few more things about Chris' personality, but the paragraph was off and it just didn't work right. I don't really know what he looks like, and he's one of the most underdeveloped characters I have, which is definitely not a good thing. I'll work on that-- he's an important guy.


Emmett had just been a long way away and come back, and suddenlly he was a logn way away again.

That says something about how he's feeling coming 'home,' doesn't it, that he'd rather be far away from Celadon, with his grandfather, than at home dealing with his parents? He doesn't really have much of a desire to go back, and I can't really make him without warping his character. Granted, though, he does have to go back to school, which is where things should start to pick up as he deals with stuff.


Perhaps another reason I enjoyed this chapter less than the others is that the narrator's personality (your personality, I assume) was much less apparent. The style was kind of almost too much like a hundred other stories I could have read.

Aha! Very true. That was the main reason I disliked this chapter so much, and I'm actually really glad you saw it, too. I just couldn't figure out what to do to make the narrator seem more full in this chapter, as most of it was the dialogue. Hopefully, I can pick it up again when I get back into narration.

Unfortunately, the beginning of this is going to move pretty slowly, maybe for one or two more chapters before the real conflict in the fic starts to rear its head. Maybe it'll pop up sooner than that, dunno. I'll have to see how things work out.

Sure, if you'd like, I'll drop you a PM when I churn out the next part. I hope I don't forget o.o;;

Thanks muchly, as always. I aim to please.

EDIT: EMG! Four pages :D:D:D

Ryano Ra
21st February 2006, 11:33 PM
You didn't like this? o.o; I found this quite enjoyable, but that is most likely because of the narrative and how powerful it is, applied to the great vocabulary, great description, and one-hundred percent effort placed into this. And here's a present for reaching the fourth page...*gives an Octillery clone* ^^ Octillery are love.

So, when's the next update due to appear?

Act
21st February 2006, 11:40 PM
Not as much as the other ones. Like I said, the main thing was that I felt like I was choking the narrator, and I couldn't really do anything about it. The chapter went through three facelifts before I sent the final version to be beta'd. I dunno, I think it's at the same general quality level of the other chapters-- which the first two drafts definitely weren't-- but the quantity bothers me. I don't think it has as much meat.

As for the next chapter, I've finally figured out what I'm going to do, and I'm pretty excited for it. Whichever day I get an hour or two to sit down and write, that'll probably be the day it gets posted. So it comes down to 'whenever I next have free time.'

It's sort of weird, because this is the only thing I've written where I know where I want to end up. Everything I write-- from Misconception to school essays-- is on a whim, and I sort of figure it out as I go along. It makes writing it a lot different.

[/me ranting]

You know, I should probably save my posts for when this needs a bump.

PDL
22nd February 2006, 12:29 AM
while pokemon fics that don't center on pokemon at all aren't my cup of tea, I will admit this:

it's deep, quite deep.

it's a rarity to see a fanfic with this much complexity, especially a pokemon fic.

I expect great things from it, keep it up.

Saffire Persian
22nd February 2006, 6:29 AM
Yay! Another chapter. (I hope you don't mind if I say finally).

To start off, I felt the chapter wasn't quite on par with the last one. Granted, it was quite enjoyable (and I liked it), but I'll say the more subdued tone the 'narrator' has in this chapter is very much felt. I quite enjoy seeing the fourth wall blasted into pieces. It lends an air of originality to it. Still, the chapter was well done, and I love the tiny details you put into the story to help further the characterization and feel of realism. I don't really mind the apparent absence of Pokémon as to the moment, as you do Emmet's characterization very well (Character-driven stories are just plain awesome).

This brings me to the thing I really liked about this chapter, the 'depth' you give Emmett in this one. Nice to see him a bit older, too, and to see how he's changed. However, the time jump felt just a tad jarring to me, even though you explained it. I think you could've added a bit more in that aspect, to help with the transition - just a little bit more, and I'd be quite satisfied.

The revelation that Emmett's a hybrid didn't bug me - it surprised me yes, but didn't effect my enjoyment of reading as some may have said (As hybrids are often attributed to Mary-Sues nowadays... meh) Personally, as long as there's a good reason and explanation to it, it doesn't bug me at all. Of course, what kind of hybrid, is what I'm personally wondering.

As for Emmett's uncle, I agree that he wasn't quite developed as could have been provided, but the length of the chapter didn't really give much time to delve into his uncle's character yet, and I don't know how major this Uncle is going to turn out to be, now. Still, he wasn't flat, and I wouldn't mind seeing more of him. THe 'word games' he used was my favorite part of the whole chapter - I loved that scene to death, and makes me want to know more about Chris's character.


Emmett felt he should say yes, wanted to say no, and said neither.

Also, that line is one that stood out - a favorite of mine.

As for other criticism - well, more frequent updates would be nice, but considering my updating habits at times, I can't really talk. Spelling and such were fine as far as I could tell (my proofreading eye is HORRID however; ask anyone.)

Overall, a nice chapter. Though I look forward to the narrator's (hopefully)more prominent return.

Act
23rd February 2006, 1:33 AM
Thanks very much for the review :).

I'll agree that the time jump was a bit jarring. I didn't want to spend too much time on it because, redundantly, it's not too important. Not that it's an excuse, but I had so much trouble with the bulk of this chapter that it made the 'minor problems' list and I ending up forgetting about looking into it. Aside, though, I'm really quite glad you like Emmett's character. He annoys me sometimes-- he can be a bit dramatic, but he's a pretty perceptive kid, too. Definitely not my favorite character.

You know, I've always thought of the term 'hybrid' and 'pokemorph' to mean to totally different things. But, that's a bit of a plot point, so I won't rant about it not. I'm glad it didn't bug you. Not my intent.

Haha, if you've ever requested a review from me, you'll know something about me and being puntual. As in, it doesn't happen. But, like I said, the next chapter should be out creepily soon, as I know exactly how I want to execute it, and that's usually what holds it up. Once I start writing it, I usually don't stop until I'm done.

Yes, I'll search through my brain and try to resurrect the narrator. Hopefully, he'll come back with a vengence. I miss him, too.

Sike Saner
23rd February 2006, 10:04 PM
The pickles were still in the door of the fridge; the couch still had that stain from the time Larissa had left a kiwi on it overnight.

I love those little details. ^^


He took a deep breath, wishing he wanted to apologize.

"Wishing he wanted to apologize"...You know, that is really remarkable - it describes a feeling that I suspect just about everyone actually experiences at one point or another in their lives, yet to how many authors would it actually occur to write of it? I still stand in awe over your command of the subtleties of the human mind. It's certainly a major part of why your characterizations are as three-dimensional and detailed as they are, and it seemed to be showcased particularly prominently in this chapter, specifically in the scene between Emmett and Chris.

The introduction of the "hybrid" element was definitely a O_O moment, especially since it came on so casually, slipped in with virtually no wanring. Since it has only begun t obe touched upon, it's definitely got me intrgued, wondering exactly what all being a "hybrid" could entail in this case - after all, there are a whole host of things that could actually mean.

And that last paragraph...oh, my God. That set off several alarm bells in my head...Dr. Christopher Solvati has caught my interest in a strong way, and I feel inclined to keep an eye on him...

Brian Powell
24th February 2006, 11:57 AM
Last time you asked me this question after I have given you a 3.5 out of 5…

Is there anything specific you think I'd need to improve on? I aim to please.
Like I said, this story was lacking some ‘spark’. When I say ‘spark’, I mean that the story has to have something that can make the reader make this story his/her favourite and excited to read more. I have yet to find the spark yet but I still find your fic interesting.

What strikes me most is Emmett’s character, mainly because of how he acted in this chapter. In my opinion, I think there is probably something weird with him because of the way he acted in this chapter, with his sudden inability to control his tone and such, but I can’t put my finger on it.

I also enjoyed the flow of this chapter, with the descriptions and such but you could add more. Plus, I also like the suspense of this story – What were his parents saying before he left? What was going through his mind? Etc. All these questions have made this suspenseful… and that makes me look forward to the next chapter.

Couple of errors spotted…

at least as much as two tweens can be in love, which probably amounts to no more than a childish crush
Teens


Time passed and, somehow, Emmett ended up at his grandfather’s workplace.
Maybe you ought to be more descriptive in this sentence. Try this…

Time passed and, after walking around from place to place, Emmett ended up at his grandfather’s workplace.


The Silence must have been astounded by the biting comment as well, because the lack of sound that ensued was not awkward.
Small ‘s’… unless you have some explanation for this.


The question sounded almost lighthearted.
Light hearted. It’s two words.


but sculptures and hard and they’re not ugly, now are they?
Are.

Overall: 4/5

PS: I understand that there is some confusion to what kind of fic this is. I think that this is a drama fic.

Act
24th February 2006, 11:29 PM
Thing is, this is never going to be a super-uber-battle-fast fic. It's just not. Hopefully it'll continue to be interesting because, IMO, I'd rather read something slower and more insightful than something where everyone beats each other up and lotsa random stuff happens but it doesn't mean anything.

I also don't believe in flowery description. I find it disposable and unnecesary. I don't do flowery scene descriptions and overly dramatic character appearences because they annoy me. Honestly, who cares if the grass is a myriad of lucious greens, and the sky a blinding cyan if no one can bypass that and actually enjoy the story?

That said, though, I do intend to up the pace a little bit. I need some time to set things up-- I don't really prewrite at all, or I'd be a little more specific.I write what I'd like to read. So far, it seems to be something everyone else can enjoy, too. That's great. I try to make both parties happy. :)

Also, it was meant to be 'tweens.' It's a term synonymous with 'pre-teen.'

Anyway, my personal preferences aside, I'm glad you likes this part more than the last one. Hopefully some excitement will come with the opening of the next chapter, which I actually have written and really, really like. I don't do previews because self-promotion outside of PMing review requests isn't really my thing, but I hope it ups the fun quotient a tad. :)

Thanks as always!

Act
6th March 2006, 5:27 AM
Now this, good people, is strange.

I churned this one out pretty fast, and it was actually a ton of fun to write. Albeit, it's the shortest chapter so far by quite a lot, but I didn't feel the need to drag out something that was meant to have a confusing, fast feeling. It's a lot different than the other more somber, serious chapters.

Let me know what you think. Right now, it's a chapter that may or may not stay. Off with its head at any time for treason regarding quality or quantity.

FYI, as we speak I"m proofreading, so it's subject to change :)

Edit: Whew, I gave it a good edit. It's a tad more worthy now, methinks, but still might be a no-go. It's also just as long as the last chapter, which means my proofreading worked/was needed. Yay?

----


The remedy is the experience, which is a dangerous liaison.
--Jason Mraz, ‘The Remedy (I Won’t Worry)'

---


Emmett pressed his back against the picket fence of Hoenn’s Route 121. The rock in his hand was light and flat—a good skipping stone. He would have put it his pocket and brought it to the beach for that purpose had he not thought that locating another rock in the grassy area would be too much work. He could hear the pelipper swooping casually over the area behind him, occasionally making unintentional contact with the ground. Emmett was not exactly sure what the creature was doing, but he had finally found one and wasn’t about to let his questioning distract him from it; he had no intention of giving it opportunity to get away.

He watched the bird’s movements through the slits in the fence. The lumbering creature hit the ground once more, and landed to preen. Emmett waited a second, and then threw the rock.

He missed.

Emmett gave the ground an exasperated look before beginning to crawl around in search of another stone.

In short, he eventually found one, after much blood (annoying little zigzagoon), sweat (Lilycove was always warm), and tears (the awful little creature had bit him quite hard). He thought it might be a good idea to find more than one rock, but he opted to instead have faith in his throwing skills.

This rock hit, much to Emmett’s delight. He mentally congratulated himself, taking his attention away from the pokèmon. He soon discovered that this was a terrible mistake, seeing as it was not much later that the pelican responded by slamming hard into the boy, sending him rolling several feet.

Emmett rolled onto his back and took a deep breath. The first hit had not been nearly as gruesome as he was expecting it to be, and there was no blood so he christened himself perfectly fine. He sat up to survey his surroundings. Emmett managed to catch sight of the pelipper before it decided its next move, but he froze. It was about then that it dawned on him that he had no idea how to retaliate, and the unconscious half of his mind had not kicked in and told him what to do as he had expected it to.

A shot of water exploded in his face, and he fell backwards. He lay on his back for several seconds, staring at the sky as if it would give him all of the answers. Or it could just suck him up right then and there, seeing as if he ceased existing, so would his problems. Yes, that second one sounded quite appealing.

The pelipper swooped down for another assault and Emmett braced himself, covering his head with his arms.

If you don’t much mind, we will now backtrack a bit. And if you do mind, well, that is quite unfortunate.

After what was in Emmett’s opinion a rather unfruitful conversation with his grandfather, he made it his business to unearth Mishu and Hank.

They were twins, the former named after his grandmother’s recently deceased canine and the latter after his grandfather’s only childhood pet. They were the obligatory genetic experiments floating around the place, or at least that was how Larissa had explained it to Emmett. In truth, Larissa did not know how they had gotten there. They had been around long before her and anything she said to her little brother about them was speculation. They scared her, the strange little creatures. She didn’t much care for all of this talk about ‘regular,’ ‘lesser,’ and ‘greater’ pokèmon, nor did she wish to become involved in Emmett’s strange infatuation with her grandfather’s job. She preferred her grandma and the business aspect of the place, anyway.

Emmett found Mishu where he always seemed to be, hovering around the heads of the lab’s employees. The expression that came over his face when he saw Emmett was in fact that of elation, though it was not something immediately apparent to someone who had not spent many hours trying to figure out how to equate this creature's expressions to those of a human being. Emmett was, in fact, one with a lot of time on his hands. This, coupled with the fact that he had better things to do than his homework, provided for very clear communication between boy and pokèmon.

It was Mishu who, being raised with humans and speaking their language quite clearly, had come up with the idea of Emmett trying to figure out how to handle however much of him was whatever kind of pokèmon.

Returning to our present time, Emmett stumbled into his grandparents’ house. He ran shakily up to the guest room that had come to be his own over the years, and stared himself in the mirror.

As soon as he moved his hand from his face, blood ran onto the vanity. He pounded his fist on the now permanently stained wood, agitated. In an act of instant karma, a small porcelain Cheshire Cat figuring dropped from the top of the vanity’s mirror onto the floor and shattered. Emmett would have screamed in exasperation did he not fear that it would worsen the condition of his nose. He loved that little trinket and had it since he was young.

Emmett did not know what to do with his injury. He did know that he was either supposed to squeeze his nose to stop it from bleeding, or put his head between his knees. He also had heard that one of them made the bleeding worse, but could not remember which one it was.

He put his head back and squeezed his nose with one hand, while with the other he groped the vanity for a tissue box that had been directly in front of him there not three seconds earlier. He located it and tried to clean both himself and the wood up with the flimsy tissues. It probably does not come as a surprise to say that this endeavor failed miserably.

Larissa chose this moment to walk into the room.

Emmett turned around and gave a surprisingly enthusiastic fake smile, “What brings you here?”

“Everyone is looking for you, Em. I told mom you were coming home, and you freaking disappear again! Figures you’d be here.” Larissa paraphrased the words her mother had said earlier absentmindedly as she toyed with a flower hanging on the wall in the room. It was a few moments later that she actually looked at her little brother. She knew she was supposed to be the smart, calm, reliable one, but he was just insane sometimes. “What the hell did you do?”

His head still back, Emmett hobbled across the room and kicked the door shut. He proceeded to make a show of sitting himself down in front while his neck was craned in that odd position and his hand seemingly adhered to his nose. “I did it,” he said hoarsely, tired.

“You hit yourself in the nose?” Larissa took her phone out of her pocket. There was blood still running freely down Emmett’s face, and if it didn’t stop soon she intended to call some kind of medical authority. She had seen a boy nearly die from blood loss on her school playground, and she had no intention of repeating the incident with her brother.

“No,” Emmett said, rolling his eyes, “the pelican-ipper thing did that.” He took a deep breath. “The pelipper.”

“You got attacked by a pelipper?” She lowered the phone, curious and more than mildly amused. He was notoriously spontaneous, her brother, and this was absolutely going to be a story worthy of recounting to her friends at the lunchtable.

“Well, yeah. But, no, see…” he paused and lowered his voice in the most dramatic fashion he could, “I attacked the pelipper.” He waited for her response, eyes wide with some strange kind of awe.

Larissa knew what he meant by this as soon as the words left his mouth, but she refused to admit it to herself. She swallowed hard and attempted a ridiculing smile, “What are you talking about?” The sentence came out monotone and without meaning. It figured that Emmett would bring the extra baggage home with him. The whole issue had almost left when he did, and she was looking forward to escaping it entirely when she went away to college.

He took a few deep breaths, excited, exhausted, and in considerable pain that was only worsening as he absentmindedly squeezed his nose tighter and tighter. Every time he felt blood roll down his hand, he tightened his grip and commanded the flow to stop. “Rissa, I did it. I was moping at Mishu--”

“Mishu told you to attack a pelipper? Why didn’t you attack, like, a rattata or something?” She sat down next to him, her curiosity steadily overcoming her fears, something curiosity tends to enjoy doing.

“They don’t have rattata here. I did get bit by a zigzagoon, though.” He paused again. The pain was working its way up into his head, becoming steadily more noticeable. It throbbed as he thought, stunting the mechanisms inside his brain. “He basically told me that we’re stuck with this and we should figure it out. Riss, I didn’t expect it to work. God, it was so weird.” He shook his head and shivered. Larissa wasn’t sure if the movement was because the attack had been horrific to execute or if the pain from his nose was horrific to put up with.

“What was it?” Her voice was lowering now, too, as she became immersed in the moment.

Emmett smiled. “Hah. I don’t even know! It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever felt. It didn’t hurt, but it almost felt like it should have. I didn’t even think about it. I mean, I did, I was sort of aggravated that I couldn’t figure it out because Mishu made it pretty clear that I should be able to do something. Which is weird, by the way, that he’d know, but anyway, it just happened, I…” He let his sentence trail off as a sneeze began to sneak up his nose. He tried to stop it.

He couldn’t.

Blood flew everywhere, and began once more to flow down his face. He shuddered and then whimpered. Larissa jumped up to get the tissues box, throwing it casually in her brother’s direction as she tried to remember where she had put her phone. The box hit Emmett in the side of the head.

“Rissa!” he groaned, trying not to laugh. There was comedy in the situation somewhere, and, evidently, some conscious part of his mind had found it. He was too exhausted to effectively fight it, and who would deny joy when they are in pain?

The small phone had conveniently made its way underneath the bed that sat in the center of the room. How it got there Larissa did not know, but she had found in her lifetime that all telephones had minds of their own and refused to stay where they were last put down. The gadget was eventually located, and medical assistance promptly called upon.

It was, if nothing else, an eventful first weekend back home for Emmett Solvati, complete with broken nose and several stitches. Emmett would always find it an enjoyable story to tell despite the injury, as I assure you, have I.


----

Yay?

cyndaquil_dratini
6th March 2006, 2:05 PM
Oh, me first, me first!

Mmm...yeah, yay. I'm not judging the chapter by chapter thing any more, the story has begun, the kind of plotline is there. I reckon what I'd liek to see more is some progression. You're a great storyteller, and all the action is really well told- but it seems like you just spent two chapters or something on...um...us finding out Emmet is some kind of hybrid and is...um...having trouble coming to terms with it? That's a good start, I want the plot to emerge now. Do you liek the tv series carnivale? It's kinda renowned for that same kind of subtle, give-away-nothing style you have going; but the thing about carnivale is that they always give enough away to keep you interested. And i am interested, it's an interesting-sounding story. What I'm looking forward to is seeing what it's like being a pokemon- there have been plenty of pokemon POV stories before, but what your fic seems to be doing is looking at what a pokemon actually goes through, why its different from a human, and what makes them similar too. I liek that concept, I put that in my fic too.

I love you're 'not sure.' I think its great. "Emmet wasnt sure whether the pain was coz of his nose bleeding or the idea of battlign a pokemon" or whatever- that was brilliant. It described a feelign we can imagine, but doesnt get described well. And being unsure about something is a very powerful emotion which doesnt get described nearly as much as it should, simply because writers assume that if youre unsure about something, then its bad writing- that all descriptions of emotions and things should be definite, clear, not vague. It's very mature of you to be able to use uncertainty like you do.

I liked Pelliper. I don't like how Emmett was talking about pelican-ipper thing. Thats fine if its set in the real world, but this is Celadon city so its the pokemon world, and theres no such thing as pelicans, only pelliper. Plus, if pelliper are common like he says they are, then he wouldnt have trouble remembering their name. Its like me forgettign what a wombat's called- i think its taking pokemon too literally as a game, from the point of view of someone who has to remember all these little creatures names. Anyway, thats a little thing.

I could tell you were trying hard to bring the narrator back to life- be careful not to try too hard, ust let it happen. I did like this line:


If you don’t much mind, we will now backtrack a bit. And if you do mind, well, that is quite unfortunate.

Made me laugh. And Emmet sneezing made me laugh- so realistic. Things like that always happen. I liked the development of his sisters character- the 'big sister' the caring, mature one. And I like her opinion on the whole hybrid thing- the fact she wants it all to go away, cant wait till college. Thats very realistic. You have a great understandin of other people, which helps you portray them very realistically in writing. I think I'd like to see more of the sister than just the fact that shes Emmets sister- you know what I mean? So, shes the big sister, shes the mature one...but shes a person too, so what kind of person is she?

This was a fun chapter, and I like how youre not giving everything away- but its taking so long to reveal itself, I hope you have a thick plot hidden under here, and youre not just biding time. I trust you are. I know you are.

I liked this chapter, it was very well written. I love your writing style. Overall, bring out the story a bit more, I'd like a little more explanation, a little more to hold onto in anticipation, if you get what I mean- but keep writing, and developing this plot. I think this story is brilliant- no, this story could be brilliant. I wont say is, because its not a story yet. A story has a beginning, and a middle, and an end. Im looking forward to your middle- most of all, I think I'm looking forward to your beginning. I'm a bit of a plot-pusher, I think its important to keep a reader attention. Thats it though, thats my only big criticism, so very well done, pat pat on back, etcetera.

Good luck in the awards. wink.

Sike Saner
6th March 2006, 9:00 PM
Now, I enjoyed that; I really did. Enjoyed the episode with the Pelipper; enjoyed the interaction between Larissa and Emmett; and I continue to enjoy the curiosity you've gone and instilled in me regarding Mishu. I know I, for one, would definitely be sorry to see this one hit the cutting room floor. *huggles chapter*


In short, he eventually found one, after much blood (annoying little zigzagoon), sweat (Lilycove was always warm), and tears (the awful little creature had bit him quite hard). He thought it might be a good idea to find more than one rock, but he opted to instead have faith in his throwing skills.

I really like that paragraph, especially the parts in parentheses.


If you don’t much mind, we will now backtrack a bit. And if you do mind, well, that is quite unfortunate.

The narrator > all. ^^ That little snippet there represents well an aspect of your writing style of which I'm particularly fond.


“No,” Emmett said, rolling his eyes, “the pelican-ipper thing did that.” He took a deep breath. “The pelipper.”

"Pelican-ipper". XD I am so calling it that from now on.


He let his sentence trail off as a sneeze began to sneak up his nose. He tried to stop it.

He couldn’t.

Blood flew everywhere, and began once more to flow down his face.

Ahahahaha, gross! XP That's definitely quite an image...Hope that mess doesn't leave too many stains about...

Act
6th March 2006, 9:26 PM
Well, I'm glad you both (seemed to) have enjoyed this chapter :). I have this theory about how when I have fun writing something, the reader will enjoy it more, and the inverse for when I have trouble writing something. It's been proven many times over, IMO.

As far as the pelican-ipper comment goes, I'm a believer that they do in fact have normal animals in the pokemon world. If you care, you can ask me to back it up. I don't feel like searching for the pokedex entries right now xP.

As for the plot, you've pretty much hit it on the head-- how does someone cope with this? Granted, it's a little slow now-- stuff will start happening-- but there's not going to be some huge organization to dismantle or world to save or anything. Here's a nifty little paragrph about what a coming-of-age story is:


First we must define what we mean by coming of age as a literary term; for practical purposes it would seem convenient to define this idea as a broad category of stories in which the character; usually within the range of adolescence, undergoes some sort of mental, emotional or social growth over the course of the story. Often these developments occur within the context of some sort of angst-ridden conflict, either internal or external to the character’s psyche. The resolution of which is central to the development of the character and the story.


(from http://www.education.mcgill.ca/edpt200-sb-s04/Shaft/unit/genre.html)

Maybe that's an off-setting genre for me to be playing with, but I don't think it could be fitted anywhere else. If you've ever read 'A Tree Grows in Brooklyn' (which does tend to be very boring-- I'll do my best to make this intriguing, but it's a famous example), that's the idea. :shrug: There are rises and falls of action, but the overall plot is pretty all-encompassing.

Hope that helps.

Thanks very much for the reviews. Heh, I'm glad this chapter seems to be a keeper. It's my favorite so far.

EDIT:

Damn, I wish I could double post. Why won't anyone reply to my review requests and bump this for me -.-;;

Saffire Persian
11th March 2006, 12:59 AM
You know, I think I like small, short chapters. Easy to read, as well as being entertaining. Kudos to you for the fast update 0_o..

Anyways, I liked this chapter a little bit more than the last (though I enjoyed the conversation between Em and his Uncle a bit more than the conversation with Larissa in this one). And I'll be the first to say I was somewhat at a loss, at first, for what was going on with Emmett suddenly going off and attacking POkémon - then it hit me, of course, and made perfect sense.. and I was left to wonder why I didn't catch onto it in the first place.

If I was a hybrid, and wanted to figure out what I was, I think I would've done the same thing (I'm surprised Emmett hadn't tried it before). The narrative was quite nice - and as I've said before, I love the tiny details. ^_^ Like the Cheshire Cat.

And I'm glad to see the narrator has revived himself by quite a wide margin. It makes the reading even more entertaining. I'm still trying to guess what Mishu is (awesome name, BTW), and would've liked to know what he was. XD.. I wouldn't've minded a bit of conversation from him with Emmett either.. I can imagine his voice... though I doubt it's how you'd actually portray it :p

Ah, before I forget, one of my favorite lines was this one:
He lay on his back for several seconds, staring at the sky as if it would give him all of the answers. Or it could just suck him up right then and there, seeing as if he ceased existing, so would his problems.

I also liked the ending line and the line that everybody's mentioning.

As for mistakes.. well, no spelling/grammar that I could find. And I've said before I wouldn't've minded a bit of dialogue between Emmett and Mishu, even though it wasn't necessary.. >.> I just like dialogue.

There was one sentence (or word I should say) that positively irked me and just didn't feel right:


Larissa paraphrased the words her mother had said earlier absentmindedly as she toyed with a flower hanging on the wall in the room

It's the absentmindedly that gets me in this sentence. After I read the sentence, and read it again, I immediately wanted to kill it. I think the placement was part of the problem -- it doesn't sound right there. You could move it, though I don't think it'd be what you'd want (As I'd would've stuck it after 'toyed'.. which changes the meaning a tad)..

But for the moment, deleting it also seems like a very nice choice to me.. but that was the only sentence wording that bugged me.

With that said, nice job! And to echo cyndaquil_dratini, good luck at the awards!

Negrek
11th March 2006, 1:43 AM
Very nice. I can tell you had a good time writing this one--it's the best yet, I think.

In general clean and error-free. You've got some minor errors here and there, though.


He ran shakily up to the guest room that had come to be his own over the years, and stared at himself in the mirror.



He put his head back and squeezed his nose with one hand, while with the other he groped the vanity for a tissue box that had been directly in front of him there not three seconds earlier.
I'd suggest removing the "there" after him towards the end of the sentence. It sounds quite odd and isn't necessary. Also, saying that he groped the vanity is an unfortunate turn of phrase for those of us with minds perpetually in the gutter.



Emmett turned around and gave a surprisingly enthusiastic fake smile, “What brings you here?”

I'd say period instead of the quote instead of comma.


It probably does not come as a surprise to say that this endeavor failed miserably.
If you sit down and think about this sentence, it doesn't make any sense. Why would I be saying that his endeavor failed miserably? On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised to hear it.


Larissa paraphrased the words her mother had said earlier absentmindedly as she toyed with a flower hanging on the wall in the room.
That one is, as Saffire Persian mentioned, a bit funky. "Larissa absentmindedly paraphrased the words her mother had said earlier as she toyed with a flower hanging on the wall in the room." or "Larissa paraphrased the words her mother had said earlier as she absentmindedly toyed with a flower hanging on the wall in the room." according to what you meant.


He proceeded to make a show of sitting himself down in front of it while his neck was craned in that odd position and his hand seemingly adhered to his nose.


The sentence came out monotonous and without meaning.
Alternatively, "The sentence came out in a monotone and without meaning."


Emmett would always find it an enjoyable story to tell despite the injury as, I assure you, have I.


- You're also putting a backwards accent in pokémon; a French person would kill you for that, because it changes how the word is pronounced.

Anyway, like I said I did enjoy this chapter a lot. I especially liked the instant karma line, and was generally amused by attacking a pokemon to try to test one's powers. Whatever posessed Emmett to go after a pelipper, though? As Larissa mentioned, it seems like there ought to be some easier opponents lurking around.

I think it's interesting how you manage to portray this story as a series of scenes without a lot of the connective action that normally would be needed to carry through the plotline. By having the narrator fill in the gaps and provide context, however, it works out quite well. I think that it's a great asset to the story, as it allows you to really go in-depth with the important scenes and work each individual one up to its full potential. It's not something you could accomplish as well in a different format, where if you tried to do so you'd probably end up with some huge monster.

So yeah. Me gusta éste. And I look forward to the next chapter of Misconception, too.

Act
11th March 2006, 1:51 AM
I wouldn't've minded a bit of conversation from him with Emmett either.. I can imagine his voice... though I doubt it's how you'd actually portray it :p

I actually tried putting one in at first, but it didn't turn out well so I nixed it.


It's the absentmindedly that gets me in this sentence. After I read the sentence, and read it again, I immediately wanted to kill it. I think the placement was part of the problem -- it doesn't sound right there. You could move it, though I don't think it'd be what you'd want (As I'd would've stuck it after 'toyed'.. which changes the meaning a tad)..


Looking it over, I think I may haved stopped midway through my edit of the sentence. I'll reword it in its entirety when I dive back in to edit.


Also, saying that he groped the vanity is an unfortunate turn of phrase for those of us with minds perpetually in the gutter.

I must admit, I thouht of that. But I couldn't find a different word that suited me.


- You're also putting a backwards accent in pokémon; a French person would kill you for that, because it changes how the word is pronounced.


O.o;; Really? I have the accent pre-set on Word, but I used to have it going the other way... until someone told me that was wrong, so I changed it. Back it goes.


And I look forward to the next chapter of Misconception, too.

Soon, I swear.

Anywho, glad you all have seemed to enjoy this. :) Uh... not much else x)

Xiang
14th March 2006, 1:11 AM
I'm aiming for short 15-1900 word chapters, because it's more motivating for me as a writer to feel like I can be concise... with 'Miscon...' the big issue I have is that the chapters are anywhere from 8-12 pages long, and it's very difficult for me to find the intiative to write for such long periods of time. You can complain about lengh as much as you'd like, but--although chapters will get longer now that I'm out of the prolgue-- it won't be too drastic. It's much... well, easier for me this way. That sounds so... bad...

I just flat out have a disliking for long chapters. I disguise my hate often, but I sometimes have to let it out.

When I took a look at the prologue (without seeing the end) I was like "Hoes snap, this is gonna be long ;_;" and I felt really stupid when I finished reading. XD Cookie for the short length. (It wasn't too short though, I merely enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to read for six weeks to give one review:p)


I aim to please.

You clearly do.

I'm not done yet, or I think so, but so far I find this work very...um. No, not that, I can't find the right word. All that stuff I was supposed to cover seems to be the point of your strengths- a couple places wording was a little confusing, but I managed after reading a little more slowly- and the typos I spotted were all pointed out. (I admit, I was a little disappointed that I couldn't rub them in your face without looking like a fool, oh, wait, that's not what I meant-)

I also like how you seemed to have all "persons" mixed in- the narrator covers a whole lot, you seem to get stuck in there a couple of times- not many- and you also talk to the reader so it seems like we're actually seemingly there to hear the fic- er, I mean read. xP Occasionally things get confusing, but I'm guessing my review is just as puzzling.

Everything in here is either a beautiful swirl of untangible metaphors, literary chocolate (and strawberry!), amazing, or...*still can't find the right word*

Hoes snap, I'd hardly think that was a good review, but those are the thickest paragraphs I have EVER posted outside of a fanfic chapter. o.o;;

-Rai (Ratiasu)

NoDayBut2Day
14th March 2006, 2:19 AM
Honestly, if I saw this fic and glimpsed at it, I would probably not read it. But after reading everything I must say I am liking it so far. You have so much character development happening which is great and your really fleshing out your characters and make us feel for them in what they do. Also the bit about length I agree with you. Really short ones don't have enough but fics that are extreamly long can be a turn off.

The mix of genres in this is a nice touch. Humor, Romance, and pokemon obviously. The Pelliper attack was funny, liked that. And Emmet getting his butt kicked basically was some more humor to me. Your description is really good and I can cleary see him getting beat. Sorry if I focus more on bits of the the latest instalment, just everything before is done and this is your latest and improvements.

Next time ill try and be the first to reply to give a good reply. Most little things I noticed were said. Sorry if it was crappy, Ill give a much better one next time.

-Danny

Act
15th March 2006, 6:29 PM
*shameless bump*

Thanks very much for both reveiws :) I'm not in the jolliest of moods right now, so if you really want a specific reply... too bad?

Mika_Coyote
16th March 2006, 6:09 PM
I recieved your request for a review, and here I am!

First of all, let me tell you that your writing style is like none other that I've ever seen, and it works perfectly well in this fic. I can say you're really an original writer! The whole "4th wall breaking" is really hard to pull off, but you did it finely!
Something I enjoyed was the song part(I don't remember what chapter it was). It blended into the situation very well. Don't worry about it sounding cheesy(not that it does)... I also had a fanfic that had a musical part, but believe me, it was nothing like yours. I has to re-write it due to cheesy-ness. Oh well...
The characters are quite interesting, but some are a little hard to visualize. Mishu and Hank, for example... But it's no biggie, I'm sure you can easily fix it! ;)
The last thing I have to say for now... Some little parts are a little confusing, like when Emmett's parents are in the backyard and he runs off... But I guess that's part of your way of telling the story, you may not want to give away surprises... The Hybrid part caught me off guard. o_o

Overall, I liked the fic, and I think I'm going to keep reading. ^^ Good job!

*OmegaGlalie*
17th March 2006, 5:01 PM
I love the way you wrote this fic Act! The narrating was so dynamic so powerful it made the story easy, painless, and enjoyable to read. The narration flowed wonderfully. There was only one mistake that I saw:


Only, Emmett believed because saw no other choice.

He should be put between because and saw.

Sorry for the short review. But there weren’t many mistakes in your fic. If there were more I saw I’d point them out.

;362;*OG*;362;

Ryano Ra
18th March 2006, 6:46 PM
New chappie-installment-thingy!

HURAH! CHITICHITIBANG!

*ahem* Me's like the narrative in the new installment. ^^ It is a bit different from the others, contrary to popular belief, but I believe you delivered it in a more powerful and effective way that before. The entire event that happened was indeed a nice one, with the Pelipper swooping down and attacking poor little Emmett, as well as the annoying Zigzagoon biting him. I must say, the blood, sweat, and tears segment was my favorite part thus far, not to mention the single line from Jason Mraz's Song -- I love that song. o.o; Perhaps we are dragon twins of the skies, yes? The tone was a lot better than the last, I must admit, and I think that is because you enjoyed writing the chapter. That is the most important key that'll help with everything -- making sure you are having fun and enjoying what you write. And I think that you did a fantastic job, since you found the enjoyment of composing it. Until we meet again, my friend.

Act
29th March 2006, 9:42 PM
:D:D Shameless bump time! For serious, I didn't even know there was SB oppurtunity here. Ehehehe... people are going to think I'm updating. Hah! I have started the next chapter, though, if it makes anyone feel any better.

I've always found that line to be particularly deep. And I like songs. It's much harder to write a meaningful song than... a lot of other things, IMO.

Whatever. I've *finally* sketched out the entire plot for this, though it's looking crazy long. *shrug* Most novel-ly things are crazy long. That get finished, anyway. Look at LOTR-- 1500 pages. Doubt I'm getting there, but whatever.

Yes, [/shamelessbump].

not_awake
8th April 2006, 6:32 AM
Oh, Act, you tricky devil. As I read I first thought "Was your request for a review a means to satisfy your ego?"; surely, there were enough positive reviews here, and from much more reputable writers. Then as Emmett's secret was revealed the idea crept into my mind. "I'm going to have to eat my words." After lambasting this sort of fic in Seijiro's thread I'm going to have to eat my words.

You've made me enjoy a fic that involves hybrids (for the sake of people like myself that read the last page first).

What can I say that hasn't been said? You're a brilliant writer. The way you engage the reader by riffing on the very words we've read is astounding. Not only has it drawn me into the plot, but it's also drawn me closer to the act of reading. It's a unique trick that I can only really remember seeing used by the likes of Kurt Vonnegut.

The only criticism that I can offer is that this unique tone seems to fall out of use in later chapters. The prologue was nothing short of fantastic. The way you addressed the reader in the first chapter, excellent. Then when I'm fiending for me the convention seems to fall out of favor. Though you did tantalize with some word play in later chapters it just wasn't as prominent.

Really, what can I say? You're some kind of linguistic fencer and you carry a mighty, mighty pen.

Astinus
9th April 2006, 7:40 AM
Sorry, Act, but I can't make it through your fic. It is truely one of the greatest and well-written pieces of fanfiction I have ever read. I could not find a single grammatically wrong sentence or anything. Which is what I expected from you, based on the reviews you gave to other people.

What I find about this fic is the confusion and force of the writing style. It is my personal choice and liking to read-how should I put this?-simpler character-driven fics. What I mean is that you give long paragraphs of character descriptions and names, forcing the readers to remember who and not the who of the character. In essence, the person behind the name. I couldn't get attached to the characters. I've only read up to the first chapter because of this. I like to feel connected to a character right from the start. I couldn't get attached to anyone here. Thus, I couldn't bring myself on to continue reading.

You still did a great job of this. I'm sorry that this does not have as many readers as some of the other fics here. Perhaps it is just because no one is used to a fic written in the POV that you've chosen. I still hope that you continue this, as it is one of the greatest fics I've read part of... Keep it up still. Again, sorry I couldn't help you more. I don't have much to say on this type of fic, as it's one I've never run across before, nor have had any reading on...

Act
9th April 2006, 3:00 PM
Was your request for a review a means to satisfy your ego?";

Oh, no, please. The opposite. By all means, tell me I lose at life. xD I worry about my ego every time I get a positive review.


The only criticism that I can offer is that this unique tone seems to fall out of use in later chapters.

Yeah... I know. Not much else I can say; I having the same problem in the most recent chapter, too. It's strange.

And.... um... *boggles at Hankako Tabris review* I stopped trying to make sense of it after the second time through.

Lily
3rd May 2006, 11:00 PM
Please note I can't review for my life, but I like to try. :D

For one thing, you made Emmett a very compelling character and it's simple/complex at once...it's odd, whenever I think about how he's going to turn out; no future seems to be in sight. I'll admit truthfully that I did enjoy the story up to here. You just convey the sense of realism between characters, especially Emmett and his sister. The sneezes made me twitch...I can just vividly imagine. x.o

As for a side comment, I love the short chapters; I'm just too impatient at times. XD

Overall, it really is a splendid, simple story with something deeper I can't word. I hope you don't change this style, although sometimes I felt simplicity + complexity clash, if you know what I mean, inevitably arousing confusion. It might just be my own lack of comprehension, but the way you mingle reality and Pokemon together...it brings nostalgia.

I like, I like. Nice job. =x

Torkoal
8th June 2006, 5:48 PM
you requested me and here I am. I love this story! It kicks ***! I normally don't like stories that don't have fighting, but you are a master of creating good plots! You are well spoken [written. whatever] and are very, very good at using philosophy to your advantage in your stories. I am interested to see how this story develops.

Act
8th June 2006, 8:46 PM
Thanks much for kind reviews :)

Anyway, I've actually started the next chapter. I'd give it a week or so if I wasn't going away soon >.< But hopefully, now that school's out, I'll be able to get some substantial work done on it over the next few days.

I've also sketched out the plot outline for the fic, if anyone cares. Looks... long. x.x' But, hopefully, I'll be able to do it before we all die.

ttfn~

Xumahare
13th June 2006, 6:50 PM
Act, I must say, you have a very unique writing style. I am glad you asked me to review this story, I probably never would have read it, anyways.

I noticed the title is "pending", though. Have you really thought up a title for it? I notice that I am the only one commenting on that, but I was just wondering.

As for the review itself:

As I said, you do have a very unique, attention-capturing writing style, and I really liked the plot. Quite original, but not too unfamiliar (I am one who like familiarity). I did notice some spelling/grammer errors, but I won't go into them.

I know that I didn't say anything wrong about this fic, but I do have a very strict rating scale, also based on other fics I've read, so I'd give this a:

8.4/10 That's one of the highest I've given so far.

Act
12th July 2006, 3:14 PM
Hey all. Just for anyone who doesn't follow my LJ or whatever, my computer is currently broken, so although the next chapter of the fic is technically ready, I have no means by which to type it up and post it. I feel bad because I'm an unreliable author as is, so I promise as soon as Compy decides to turn on, I'll type the chapter up and get it posted. I have, however, decided on next chapter's quote, which I'll edit in if it appeases anyone.

So, sorry again. >< ttfn~

Alluvion
13th July 2006, 1:44 AM
You asked, so stand and I'll deliver!

This isn't going to be as long a review as I'd like, mainly because on the whole, it's just so freakin' good. The only thing I really need to complain about is the...

PLOT

I like clarity in plots. No, not strictly linear plots, but ones that you can follow. It was great up to here:


But, as he tripped over the same root, he realized he had nowhere to go. There was no place wanted to go…

Do you have any intention of ever going on a pokèmon journey?

He needed to run.

Why or why not?

He needed to.

…the ten or so children that would leave at the end of the next week…

So, dear reader, he did. But no matter where he ran in life, however far away, the question that had chased him through the woods that night would always find him.

Then… what am I?

After that...
Ah...
Well...

I'm lost.

Maybe it's because I don't read very deeply. Indeed, if reading was like drinking a glass of water, I'd always leave a couple drops on the bottom. The chapter with Chris was pretty good, and I figured it was just a jog in the plot and it would clear up in the next chapter, but the most recent chapter has left me looking back into the pitcher and re-pouring just to understand the plot. What an odd metaphor.

I think what this fic needs right now is a clear understanding of "time" and a lot of clarification on what's going on-- mystery in a plot is good, but...

CHARACTERS

Really great, you have an amazing grasp on 'em, moving along...

DESCRIPTION

Nailed. Just one thing along the same lines as the plot; we need a description of what a "hybrid" is in this context, and at least a sketchy understanding of what Emmet is a hybrid between. Please, I'm just not getting it.

GRAMMAR

No stupid mistakes. Not enough mistakes to be noticable.

ETC.

That is a great narrator you've got going on there. I mean, all I have to do is quote this:


The mind of a child works in strange ways, ways usually only understood by people as they live with children. A teen cannot quite comprehend the babblings of a toddler, nor a twentysomething the wavering moods of a teen. Emmett’s mind registered some things I cannot quite explain the origin of, but they occurred to him nonetheless. What was the cause of this noise? Why, aliens of course.

And you should already get what I'm talking about. Just in case:


What a way to condemn yourself for the weekend, to go home that Saturday to no one, to not go home again for a long time. What blatant foreshadowing.

There. Amazing voice.'

I'll be coming back for more of that voice, more of those characters, and hopefully, a better handle on the story.

~Alluvion
;138;;138;;138;

Act
16th July 2007, 4:00 PM
Uhm... hi... xD


Just thought I'd revive this a little, seeing as the next chapter should be up within a day or two. It's more or less finished, I just have to make sure I like it and edit and stuff. It'd actually probably be up right now, but I forgot to e-mail it to myself so I'd have it, and I don't.

So... yeah.

Hey, it's been almost exactly a year xD

Act
21st July 2007, 4:59 PM
I don't know if this is particularly good, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess. And I'm the beggar.

This is the first draft, so anything constructive is appreciated.


-----

Celadon City
1.3


One.

Lis eyed the glint of the glass carefully, as if it might rear up and attack him. He stared at it for some time before shifting his gaze upward.

Two.

Lis shook his head vehemently, disgusted. “I don’t know how you can put that stuff in your system.” The thought of it made him visibly shudder.

Emmett laughed. “No one taught me, man. I don’t have anything to lose.” Three.

Lis grunted in disapproval. “I don’t think it makes any kind of difference.”

“You wouldn’t.” Emmett laid back, breathed slowly, closed his eyes. Relaxation. Release. Four.

Lis took one of the glasses in his hands, eying it, smelling it. “Kid, I just feel like there’s a better way out of all this crap.”

Emmett opened one eye and looked at his friend. “You would. But see…” He sat up, leaned forward. His elbows were on his knees as he stared up at Lis intently. He laughed again. “I just don’t have that damn initiative anymore!”

Five.



---


Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

--Oscar Wilde


---


It always seems that the life that is turned upside-down does not really matter. If the hero had no friends, no motivation in the first place, then a massive change is inconsequential in that there is nothing to lose. Why does the starting quarterback never get bit by the radioactive spider? I, for one, think that is a much more interesting situation.


---

There was an obvious social change in Emmett after he returned. He had always liked people and, in turn, people had always liked him back. He had no fear, only blind confidence and an innate drive to please. As such, he did have friends. It was because of this that people—the same people he had once liked so, so much—were dumbstruck upon his return. He always seemed to be in his own little world now, thinking intently, not wanting to be bothered. Although when one talked to him the person was the same, the simple fact of the matter was that he was just not as willing to talk. He did not out rightly like people anymore and, in turn, people did not like him right back. People are not that complex, you see.

There was a hubbub about it for a time, parents un-coyly suggesting to Justine that she discuss this change with him. This angered Justine, people assuming that she did not see the metamorphosis of her son. It frustrated her that they went even further and assumed that she did not know the cause. She always assured people that she would get to the root of the problem—Oh! Like there was something wrong with him—though she knew she never really could. Or, she was too afraid to try.

The boy was not stupid. Emmett knew that he had changed, and it embittered him when people described it as ‘weird’ because he had done it on purpose and with purpose. People had become of word of distrust and fear. He did not know what these people would do to someone like him, and this lack of knowledge only magnified the fear. In a way, it would have comforted him to know the method of torture more than to not know it. Imagination is often more of a torturer than reality. There is a twisted comfort in knowing your fate.

As such, Emmett made it his business to make sure no one would ever find out. He even began to tiptoe around his own parents, his sister, as if they might turn against him. Larissa was so stoic about it. Emmett wondered if it bothered her. Her demeanor made it clear that she did not wish to talk about it. He crept quietly around his friends, because although he did not think the like of Jessie would ever betray him, he did not trust their mouths to spread it to someone who would. There were no longer acquaintances—you were either with Emmett, or against him. The problem with living like this, Emmett would find, is that majority rule is powerful. You were either with or against them: part of the whole, or completely isolated.

Emmett remembers when he told Ian. He remembers it vividly, and it has haunted his dreams forever. What he chooses not to remember is just how lonely he was, and how he felt like Ian was truly the only one who could offer him any kind of catharsis. What he refuses to remember is the outright desperation that comes from feeling so small as his own self had caused him to feel. Ian was so smart, after all, he must know something.

It had been about a month into the year. November, it was, if I recall correctly. Emmett was about fifteen.

The silence had only gotten worse, really. Ian had meant to ask him about it earlier. Truly, he had. It was his ethical duty as the childhood friend, after all. And besides, he was curious.

Death is death, reader. No amount of satisfaction can remedy that. And after all, Emmett was no cat. He was more like a bird.

Regardless, Emmett remembers exactly the situation. They were at his house, in his room (his very own room, the most sacred of places). Ian was sitting on the bed with his biology, Emmet on the floor with his history. Neither was saying anything, and this was very unusual. As he closed his books, Ian saw his chance to swoop. “Why have you been so quiet lately?”

Emmett looked at him quizzically. He knew he had been acting relatively odd, but this had been going on for a good two years now. It wasn’t ‘lately’ anymore. Emmett shrugged trying to be nonchalant, “You mean more than usual now, or more than like when I was ten?”

Ian furrowed his brow a bit, trying to look as concerned as possible no doubt. Alas, I am biased. He was undoubtedly truly concerned, and this is most definitely not sarcasm. “Well, you stopped being really dry to teachers, and then I was worried.”

Emmett’s stomach turned over. He did not at all like where this was headed. “So I’m not a pain anymore, who cares?” He shrugged, turned, and pretended to go back to his work. Ian stared at him. It was quiet again. Emmett stared at his book, unsure of what to do next.

Emmett remembers a strange feeling—almost like trepidation, almost like hate—getting the better of him as the silence strangled his mind. He remembers blurting it out: Fine! I’m a freak! The fear of Ian’s reaction shook him, physically. He remembers the chills running down him almost in convulsions as he recounted why he left, what he had heard that night. He remembers how they both lamented over how much sense it made. He remembers the reassurance of the whole thing, how a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Someone else knew, and the world had not ended. In fact, it looked brighter. For a time, anyway.

He remembers the first sign. It was a few months later. March, it was, if I recall correctly. He remembers the realization like a slap across the face: Jessie knew. Now, at the time he did not take this as a sign of his immanent downfall, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and he should have. Because soon after Jessie’s induction came the second sign; Jessica knowing wasn’t far behind. Yet these were minor occurrences that were bound to happen eventually, and regardless of whether or not Ian truly had betrayed his confidence, Emmett wrote these things off to human nature. The third strike, however, did eat at him—slowly and painfully from the inside of his better judgment outward.

See, the simple fact of the matter was that Jessie and Jessica did not seem to care. This surprised Emmett (he most definitely cared, after all), but relieved him. They simply allowed him to carry on in his life as normal. Sure, Jessica stopped pursuing him about that third date, but this was more of a relief than a flare and he took it as a good omen, if anything. He did notice the looks every once in a while. Sometimes, when they thought he could not quite see, they would gaze at him questioningly—almost longingly—as though they were trying to look right through him. It was always a strange, unsettling sensation which confirmed that there was in fact a difference in their relationship. Yet, he had imagined worse would come and took this in stride, not allowing it to bother him much past the moment (or in his dreams, if it so pleased; he didn’t really dream that much anyway). After time, this stoicism would become indifference: first to the girls’ stares, then their thoughts, then their feelings, then their selves, then their memories.

And, if my own feelings persist in striking your chord, indifference to memory just might be the same thing as hate.

But Emmett most definitely remembers that Ian seemed to care. He remembers it with vividness, with color, with not outward emotion but self-deprecation. Ian became almost obsessive, really. At first Emmett almost enjoyed the attention. He had felt so isolated for so long now, the questions gave him an outlandish kind of release. Of course, he’d love to show Ian what he had taught himself, to tell him how little he had done while he was away, to fly. Slowly but surely, though, the red light at the back of Emmett’s head became a siren, then an animal, the embodiment of foreboding clawing at the back of his skull. As time went on, he realized something was not quite right, that he was looking over his shoulder whenever Ian was nearby. Still, his own dumb loyalty told him to say nothing.

It was a few months later. July, it was, if I recall correctly.

Emmett remembers running: trees slapping him in the face, rocks’ launching themselves at him toes. He remembers the feeling of sheer terror as his body trembled unwillingly. He remembers sprinting onto the open beach, the sand fighting every step he took, the exhaustion almost unparalleled, the simple explanation hurting so much that it made him want to vomit. He remembers tripping, falling, his hands trying to push him up but the ground only gave away as he clawed at it. He felt his body slam into he ground, the sand flying in all directions—in his mouth, his eyes. He tried to get up, but the adrenaline was gone now; he had stopped moving, and fatigue had set in. He remembers falling, slowly breathing, and then nothing.


----

Do R/R.

Sike Saner
22nd July 2007, 10:23 AM
Dang… o.o Reading that chapter reminded me of just how effing fond I am of this piece, and compelled me to go re-read the story from the beginning once again. I continue to love the writing style used here and the personality of the narrator. It really feels like having the story related to me by a genuinely interesting person; the narrator would be a cool person to know, I imagine. ^^

Emmett’s responses to learning the truth about what he is and the impact on his social life that resulted from those responses were believable and well-handled, I must say. Boss work on the depiction of what happened as others began to learn of what he is, too.

The last paragraph really caused my interest to spike, that’s for sure. o.o Emmett in a terrified, painful flight—and from what, I wonder? What—or who—sent him running like hell, I wonder? There’s another thing for me to ponder, which I love. I find stories that get me actively thinking and wondering to be vastly more enjoyable than those that don’t.

Speaking of things about which I’m actively wondering, I’m still enjoying the mystery of what sort of a hybrid Emmett is, exactly. I’ve still not filled in the blank as far as “Emmett is a hybrid of human and _____” goes, and somehow I get the feeling that clues to that matter have already been slipped into the text and are going to appear to me in neon-red hindsight after the story has answered that question. XD In the meantime, it is quite fun to guess the answer. ^^

Other things I liked:



Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

--Oscar Wilde

Awesome quote. ^^


Imagination is often more of a torturer than reality. There is a twisted comfort in knowing your fate.

Very true. o.o


Ian furrowed his brow a bit, trying to look as concerned as possible no doubt. Alas, I am biased. He was undoubtedly truly concerned, and this is most definitely not sarcasm.

It’s because of excerpts like that one that I will likely never run out of occasions to mention how much I like the narrator. ^^

Act
23rd July 2007, 10:08 PM
Fwee, thanks so much xD I was pretty damn worried that I'd be really rusty, but at least it seems to be up to previous standards.


Speaking of things about which I’m actively wondering, I’m still enjoying the mystery of what sort of a hybrid Emmett is, exactly. I’ve still not filled in the blank as far as “Emmett is a hybrid of human and _____” goes, and somehow I get the feeling that clues to that matter have already been slipped into the text and are going to appear to me in neon-red hindsight after the story has answered that question. XD In the meantime, it is quite fun to guess the answer. ^^


I have dropped hints, but nothing so huge that you're stupid or anything. It's just not that important right now. I'm also a little bit leery of it, so maybe that's why I haven't said anything. I guess I feel like it'll be a big letdown xD

Thanks again.

Orange_Flaaffy
23rd July 2007, 10:30 PM
Fwee, thanks so much xD I was pretty damn worried that I'd be really rusty, but at least it seems to be up to previous standards.



I have dropped hints, but nothing so huge that you're stupid or anything. It's just not that important right now. I'm also a little bit leery of it, so maybe that's why I haven't said anything. I guess I feel like it'll be a big letdown xD

Thanks again.
She's a Digglet ;D! Sorry, I could'nt help myself...I really should read this all the way though someday. But I have this rule about never reading other peoples pokemon/human mix related stories when I'm writing my own so foo :P *sigh* It's nice to see you writing at least Act, I thought you died O.o

Act
24th July 2007, 4:01 PM
But I have this rule about never reading other peoples pokemon/human mix related stories when I'm writing my own so foo

Well, we have a fundamental difference in our plots in that Emmett isn't a pokemorph. Not by my defninition, anyway.

I hope you'd read it someday xD

Praxiteles
24th July 2007, 5:26 PM
Gold. Absolute gold. Everything about it - from the complexity of human feeling, to the very intriguing writing style - radiates grandness.

What I enjoy the most about the story is the grand mesh of feeling and event you've created. Indeed, this is the greatest psychological depth I've ever seen a fiction go to, and the best depiction of the intertwined thought and event that makes up a human mind. I never thought I'd say it, but you just created a facet of daily life - and it's a masterpiece. I even remember some of the psychological traits of young Emmet from my own childhood.

I really have to think about the hidden messages inside all the story, and I'll post back then. Good work!

Orange_Flaaffy
24th July 2007, 6:25 PM
Well, we have a fundamental difference in our plots in that Emmett isn't a pokemorph. Not by my defninition, anyway.

I hope you'd read it someday xD
I will...Oh, and it seems like the one-star rater is alive and well -.-

Act
25th July 2007, 2:54 PM
Yayyyy 100 posts xD


Gold. Absolute gold. Everything about it - from the complexity of human feeling, to the very intriguing writing style - radiates grandness.

What I enjoy the most about the story is the grand mesh of feeling and event you've created. Indeed, this is the greatest psychological depth I've ever seen a fiction go to, and the best depiction of the intertwined thought and event that makes up a human mind. I never thought I'd say it, but you just created a facet of daily life - and it's a masterpiece. I even remember some of the psychological traits of young Emmet from my own childhood.

I really have to think about the hidden messages inside all the story, and I'll post back then. Good work!


Fwee, thank you very much, I'm infinitely flattered. Characterization is very important to me, so this is really great to hear. Thanks much again.


Oh, and it seems like the one-star rater is alive and well -.-

Psh, always. I'm like a lamp to their moth, and I can't imagine anyone has too much more luck.