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Scizor King
16th September 2005, 2:41 AM
My first fic! Here it goes! (rated G)
key: ___ = later, --- = new area, ~ = flashback, /// = fic starts/ ends
okay, here goes!
/////////////

One day, Mike from Pallet Town woke up.
"Yay, I'm 10 today!" He exclaimed, "It's finally my b-day!"
"Mike, COME DOWN HERE NOW!!!" His mother's voice made his ears spin.
"Comin' mom."
He quickly got dressed and came down.
"As you know, It's you're birthday. So hurry and get your first Pokemon, or you'll be late."


---

At Prof. Oaks Lab he found out Max, Tom, and Irene were already there.
"Well, now that you are all here, you may pick your starters." said Prof. Oak.
"I choose Charmander!" cried Mike.
"I'll take Squirtle." said Max.
"Bulbasaur's my choice." said Tom.
"Pikachu, it's so cute!" exclaimed Irene.
"You think everythings cute." teased Max.
"Alright, you all have Pokemon, now shoo!" said Prof. Oak.

_____


Mike was packing supplies, eager to start his journey. There was a problem,
his parents didn't want him to leave. He left a note, climbed out the window, and left for route 1.
"Let's battle!" said a youngster on route 1.
"Sure! Go Charmander!" Mike declared.
"Go Mankey!" cried the youngster.

"Use Ember"
"Scratch attack now!"

_____

"Finish him, Charmander, Scratch!" said Mike.
"Hey, good battle." said the youngster as he left.
It was getting late, so Mike took out his sleeping bag and blankets, and started falling asleep. Little did he know he was being watched.

//////////

I know, odd end. Well, what do ya think?
P.S. I know it's short, and please don't bash anyone, okay?

Alastor DMc
16th September 2005, 6:54 AM
It seems a little rushed to be honest. Try fleshing out your ideas and chracters a little bit before you start a story.

PokeMasta
17th September 2005, 12:30 AM
Hey not bad for a first try. I wanted a torchic!

Scizor King
17th September 2005, 3:07 AM
Sorry no Hoenn Pokes yet sorry! I hope this ones better. I'll do it all night if I have to!

/////////
Mike woke up, and heard something in the bushes. Suddenly, two people with "R"'s on their shirts emerged.
"Preapare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jessie!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth, dats right!"
Mike gasped in shock. He knew Team Rocket was Kanto's most feared gang!
"Go Squirtle!" cried a voice from behind
"Max! You helpin' me or what?" asked Mike, wondering how Max got there out of nowhere.
"Yeah." said Max
"Go Charmander!" yelled Mike
"Attack, Koffing!" cried James
"Ekans, go!" yelled Jessie

"Bubble!" commanded Max
"Ember!" yelled Mike

Koffing fainted.

"Poison Sting, Ekans!" ordered Jessie

Squirtle took a critical hit, then fainted of Poison. Charmander glowed, and in a
flash of light, evolved into Charmeleon.

"Slash attack, Charmeleon!"

Ekans took a critical hit, fainting it.
"Flamethrower" yelled Mike, and Team Rocket flew into the air.
Mike and Max headed further up, and reached Viridian City, where they healed
right away. They checked the gym, it was locked. Max headed for the woods,
while Mike went to catch Pokemon at the edge of town. He found a Dratini, and even caught it. He checked into the room at the Pokecenter, and fell asleep in the bed. Meanwhile, Charmeleon and Dratini had a conversation.

"Hey, say some thing, man." said Charmeleon

"Well, I'm wondering if this Mike guy will take good care of me." answered Dratini

"Don't worry, he's a good guy." said Charmeleon

The Pokemon fell asleep, as a new day awaited them.

///////////

Well, like it? I'll try to update every day. Please review

No bashing. No spam. Don't just say it's good or bad, comment. Please give advice cause it's my first fic. I also want to leave the side info about the story and characters to imagination. I will reveal they travel everywhere except the orange Islands, so enjoy!

AKEBOSHI
17th September 2005, 3:20 AM
Hm, not bad I guess but I think you need more description (How did the trainer yell 'Bubble!' ? How does Koffing fall down? Did he groan or anything? How battered was he?) to balance out the heavy dialoguing.

Anyway, *subscribes*

Scizor King
17th September 2005, 5:10 AM
I edited to make it clearer. offtopic:
What do you mean you subscribed, am I in trouble? TELLMETELLMETELLMETELLMETELLME

AKEBOSHI
17th September 2005, 5:21 AM
Er, no need for spoiler tags. By *subscribed* I mean whenever someone posts on this thread, I will be notified.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
17th September 2005, 5:22 AM
Hey, E4 DRAKE! Remember me in the newbies lounge? How are ya? Anyways, your story is a little short. Just try to add more description.










~STREET BALLA~

Scizor King
17th September 2005, 5:24 AM
Yes I remember you, unfortunatly(j/k). Next chappie tommorow!

UNDERGROUND BALLA
17th September 2005, 8:11 AM
Sweet. Oh, I like the main character Mike. Thats my nickname.Short reply.











~STREET BALLA~

PokeMasta
17th September 2005, 5:54 PM
Mike is his name and max is me!

Scizor King
17th September 2005, 7:47 PM
Yep, PokeMasta's right. I need more ideas the next chapter should be up in a few hours.

Scizor King
18th September 2005, 12:11 AM
Here it is!

/////////

Mike woke up, stretched out, and went downstairs.
He left the Pokecenter, and went to fish in a river.
He fished up a long red pokemon.
"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" yelled Mike
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" a mean voice yelled from behind
"Who are you people?" asked Mike
"My name is Matt " said the man
"I'm Shelly." declared the woman
"We're Team Aqua!" they yelled in unison
"Hold it." said a low voice
"Wh-who are you?" asked Mike
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua." announced Archie
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man
It was Maxie, the leader of Team Magma. He tossed a Greatball into the air. In a flash, a powerful Arcanine apeared.
"Oh, it's war, then. Go Slowbro!" said Archie
"Haunter, go!" yelled Matt
"Golbat, take em down!" commanded Shelly
"Mike, I can't do this alone! Help me!" said Maxie
While the others were talking, Mike had captured the Gyarodos and Evolved Dratini.
"Okay, go Charmeleon, Dragonair, and Gyarados, Slash, Hyper Beam, and Hyper Beam!" exclaimed Mike
In a flash, Slowbro, Haunter, and Golbat fainted.
"We'll be back!" yelled Archie as he jumped into the water with Matt and Shelly.
"Mike, how would you like to help us stop Team Aqua by joining Team Magma?" asked Maxie
"But if I join I won't be able to travel." said Mike
"Just give me your cell phone number and I'll call if something comes up." replied Maxie
"Okay." agreed Mike as he gave him the number
"We'll meet again soon." said Maxie
He sent out a Fearow and flew away.
Mike headded for the forest, not knowing what lurks inside.
///////

Short again, I know. Please give advice and taleeho!

Xiang
18th September 2005, 2:46 AM
There is barely any description or length! You need to describe more and read the Advice for Aspiring Authors, it's a sticky. But trust me, your fic isn't all bad.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
18th September 2005, 3:44 AM
There is barely any description or length! You need to describe more and read the Advice for Aspiring Authors, it's a sticky. But trust me, your fic isn't all bad.
Thats what I was gonna say, word for word! Creepy.Offtopic: like my trainer card?

Scizor King
18th September 2005, 3:56 AM
like my trainer card?
Yeah. Next tommorow like usual!

Hero of legend
18th September 2005, 4:16 PM
Awsome fic, sorry I haven't replied but I've been busy! But like the others said, it need some tiny improvements, but keep up the good work!

Who likes my TC?

Scizor King
18th September 2005, 5:27 PM
Me like!
(**** *** 10 Character limit!)

GoldenHouou
18th September 2005, 6:18 PM
Erm, this story could be good, but...

This is too short. Just too short. Those three chapters that you have posted wouldnīt be long enough even if they would be one single chapter.

When someone speaks, tell us how does she/he say it, rather than just "said" or "shouted" use description, like

"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" Mike yelled in surprise as the red snake rose from the water.
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" A mean voice yelled from behind. Mike turned around to face source fo teh voice.
"Who are you people?" He shouted to a two humans standing few feet away from him.
"My name is Matt " A rough, well built man shouted back.
"I'm Shelly." The woman declared, smiling a devious, sly smile.
"We're Team Aqua!" The two yelled in unison.
"Hold it." Said a low voice.
"Wh-who are you?" Mike gasped and took a step back.
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua."Announced the man who had just walked in from the bushesh.
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man.

I didnīt descripe the characters, because I donīt know what you wnat them to look like, but yu should descripe them. And what was the Gyarados doing while they spoke? Was it just watching how people argued about who is going to catch it? And how could Mike just caprure the Gyarados just lihe that with nobody noticing? I bet the pokemon wouldnīt just let someone capture it. And a Dratini cannot just be evolved whenever you please. It would have to be good enough level.

You should also descripe the pokemons more. And how did you know the Arcanine was strong? You should have descriped it too, like:

A orange, canine like creature appeared in a flash of light. It was much bigger than normal ones, and its legs looked much more sturdier.

That would give the same feeling about it being strong. Now I know that the one above werenīt really good description either, but I just used it as an example.

And you have to descripe the attacks as well. Plus, Haunter couldnīt possibly faint from three norma attacks, for they donīt do damage on it. Charmeleon, Dragionair and Gyarados are really strong pokemons, and I donīt think a rookie traiber would have them.

Team Aqua jumping in the water was a bit off. They jumped in a water? How did it help them? Did they swim around happily? Did they have a boat? PLease tell us why did they do that, and why didnīt Maxie ran after them.

Charmeleon cannot evolve after two or three battles. It takes time.

More lenght, more description, and this will be good.

Scizor King
18th September 2005, 6:37 PM
Erm, this story could be good, but...

This is too short. Just too short. Those three chapters that you have posted wouldnīt be long enough even if they would be one single chapter.

When someone speaks, tell us how does she/he say it, rather than just "said" or "shouted" use description, like

"Woah, a Red Gyarados!" Mike yelled in surprise as the red snake rose from the water.
"Hold it! That Gyarados is ours!" A mean voice yelled from behind. Mike turned around to face source fo teh voice.
"Who are you people?" He shouted to a two humans standing few feet away from him.
"My name is Matt " A rough, well built man shouted back.
"I'm Shelly." The woman declared, smiling a devious, sly smile.
"We're Team Aqua!" The two yelled in unison.
"Hold it." Said a low voice.
"Wh-who are you?" Mike gasped and took a step back.
"I am Archie, the head of Team Aqua."Announced the man who had just walked in from the bushesh.
"Hold it, Archie!" yelled another man.
It's my first fic. I don't no what to put in.
I didnīt descripe the characters, because I donīt know what you wnat them to look like, but yu should descripe them. And what was the Gyarados doing while they spoke? Was it just watching how people argued about who is going to catch it? And how could Mike just caprure the Gyarados just lihe that with nobody noticing? I bet the pokemon wouldnīt just let someone capture it. And a Dratini cannot just be evolved whenever you please. It would have to be good enough level.While Team Aqua/ Maxie argued Mike battled and caught Gyarados with Dratini, which evolved.

You should also descripe the pokemons more. And how did you know the Arcanine was strong? You should have descriped it too, like:

A orange, canine like creature appeared in a flash of light. It was much bigger than normal ones, and its legs looked much more sturdier.

That would give the same feeling about it being strong. Now I know that the one above werenīt really good description either, but I just used it as an example.I'll do that next time.

And you have to descripe the attacks as well. Plus, Haunter couldnīt possibly faint from three norma attacks, for they donīt do damage on it. Charmeleon, Dragionair and Gyarados are really strong pokemons, and I donīt think a rookie traiber would have them.Haunter fainted of fright and Charmeleon evolved because Squirtle (who was his friend at the lab) was hurt and Charmeleon evolved of anger.

Team Aqua jumping in the water was a bit off. They jumped in a water? How did it help them? Did they swim around happily? Did they have a boat? PLease tell us why did they do that, and why didnīt Maxie ran after them.Team Aqua swam down the river and Maxie didn't give chase because he hates water.

Charmeleon cannot evolve after two or three battles. It takes time.
Levels don't exist in my fic.
More lenght, more description, and this will be good.
Okay,my comments are in bold.

GoldenHouou
18th September 2005, 6:58 PM
It's my first fic. I don't no what to put in.

Thatīs why Iīm trying to help you by telling you.


While Team Aqua/ Maxie argued Mike battled and caught Gyarados with Dratini, which evolved
Then why didnīt you tell that? Why didnīt you explain the battle? And they didnīt talk much. Heck, they only sent out their pokemons. Charmeleon nor Dratini canīt defeat a Gyarados in that time. In real life,m it would only be about four minutes.



Haunter fainted of fright and Charmeleon evolved because Squirtle (who was his friend at the lab) was hurt and Charmeleon evolved of anger
A Haunter, pokemon that scares humans, wouldnīt be afriad of attacks that canīt hurt it. If it was a wimp Haunter that is afraid of anything, you should have explained it. Explained us why did it faint. You didnīt explain teh evolution of Charmeleon either. If you wanted it to evolve out of anger, you sould have descriped Charmanderīs feelings. Something like,

The orange lizard pokemonīs eyes glowed as it saw its friend being hit. It glared at the snake pokemon responsable of the act, and shot out flames of its mouth, trying to engluf the it. The sname dodged and shot out poisonous spikes at the Charmander. As teh spikes sank on Charmanderīs skin, its eyes glowed even more deep red. It leaped forward, its ready to revenge, and with a mighty growl, it started glowing.

Its form started to change, its tiny feet and hands become bigger, and ahorn forming on its back. Where the Charmander once was, now stood a Charmeleon, growling at the snake.

See? Now you can get the feeling of its anger.



Team Aqua swam down the river and Maxie didn't give chase because he hates water

Then you could have said so. But even then, I doubt that they would jump swimming in Gyaradoīs river. And Mikeīs Gyarados could have just swam after them and capture them. But even so, you should have explained it. You canīt expect us to know what theyīre up to.



Levels don't exist in my fic

I didnīt mean that you should say when they level up or so, I donīt like fics based too much on the levels and such from the game. I am just saying that you have to have some reason for pokemons to evolve.

Scizor King
18th September 2005, 7:11 PM
Okay. Next chapter later.

Scizor King
19th September 2005, 1:14 AM
Here it is!

/////////

Mike walked through the woods, looking for Pokemon, suddenly a man came into view. He had a black outfit and three pokeballs at his belt. His face was hidden by shadows.
"Come over here." said the man
Mike took a step back.
"I said get over here!" said the man in an angry tone of voice
"No." said Mike as he prepared a pokeball
"Very well, go Kangaskan! I am Giovonni, the leader of Team Rocket!" said Giovanni in a low tone of voice
"Go Charmeleon! Flamethrower!" yelled Mike confidentlly
"Comet Punch!" commanded Giovanni, smirking
Flametrower missed and Kangaskan was about to hit Charmeleon. Then Kangaskan's fist hit something invisible in front of Charmeleon.
"I see, you used Protect to stop my attack" said Giovanni, a little annoyed
"Charmeleon, finish him! Slash!" said Mike, smiling
"Kangaskan, return." said Giovanni, his voice trembling
Giovanni sent out a Pidgeot, flying away into the cloudy sky. A Pidgeoto flew by.
"Charmeleon! Attack the Pidgeoto with Metal Claw!" said Mike
Charmeleon hardened its claws and swiped away. The Pidgeoto fainted and Mike threw a pokeball, capturing it. He went threw the forest and got out. In Pewter City, he healed up and went to sleep. He fell asleep, not knowing that the Gym was going to be closed for Independance Day.

/////////////

I know it's short but oh well. Next Chapter is going to be a special.
Please discuss.

AKEBOSHI
19th September 2005, 1:29 AM
Here it is!

/////////

Mike walked through the woods, looking for Pokemon, suddenly a man came into view. He had a black outfit ((Hmm, maybe you can tell more about his "black outfit"?)) and three pokeballs at his belt. His face was hidden by shadows.
"Come over here." said the man
Mike took a step back.
"I said get over here!" said the man in an angry tone of voice
"No." said Mike as he prepared a pokeball
"Very well, go Kangaskan! I am Giovonni, the leader of Team Rocket!" said Giovanni in a lower tone of voice
((Why would the boss personally want to battle him? Did his rocket scums throw a strike on him or something? And why, would Giovanni want to battle him unless he was a big threat?))

"Go Charmeleon! Flamethrower!" yelled Mike confidentlly
"Comet Punch!" commanded Giovanni, smirking
Flametrower missed and Kangaskan was about to hit Charmeleon.

((Did Kangaskan dodged that by himself or did Char really miss?))

Then Kangaskan's fist hit something invisible in front of Charmeleon.
"I see, you used Protect to stop my attack" said Giovanni, a little annoyed
"Charmeleon, finish him! Slash!" said Mike, smiling
"Kangaskan, return." said Giovanni, his voice trembling.

((Why is Giovanni trembling? It's not like Char's Slash is going to kill his pokemon))

Giovanni sent out a Pidgeot, flying away into the cloudy sky. A Pidgeoto flew by. <----Fly by where?

"Charmeleon! Attack the Pidgeoto with Metal Claw!" said Mike
Charmeleon hardened its claws and swiped away. The Pidgeoto fainted ((One hit KO? ))and Mike threw a pokeball, capturing it. ((Um, what's Giovanni's view on this?)) He went threw <---? the forest and got out. In Pewter City, he healed up and went to sleep. He fell asleep, not knowing that the Gym was going to be closed for Independance Day.


((Er, what happened to Giovanni?))
/////////////

I know it's short but oh well. Next Chapter is going to be a special.
Please discuss.


Not un-well done, my changes and questions in bold. Sorry, it was too short to be a chapter, you should elaborate on everything, don't just say 'heal them' for example. What did Nurse So-and-so say? And you need more description. The pokemon wre very quiet, so you might want to give them a personality and have them speak at least.

Scizor King
19th September 2005, 1:49 AM
Giovanni wanted to test him. Charmeleon missed. Trembling thet he lost. Giovanni flew away on Pidgeot. Pidgeoto flew by Mike. Think. A Charmeleon against a Pidgeoto. Charmeleon has Flamethrower, Slash, Metal Claw, and Protect. Pidgeoto has Gust and Tackle. Yes Pidgeoto was one hit KO'ed. Okay?

AKEBOSHI
19th September 2005, 1:59 AM
Oh sorry, I wasn't reading closely enough about the pidgeotto and the pidgeot encounter and pick off. *confused*

You should elaborate the battle bewteen the two trainers more, because Kangastan is generally stronger than a mere Charmeleon, unless the Kangastan is really inexperianced.

This is really my opinion really, so no sweat, but I would send one of my stonger Rockets to test a trainer instead of myself if I were Giovanni ;)

Anyway, well done.

Scizor King
19th September 2005, 2:52 AM
Kangaskan is pretty much weaker than rock types and since Charmeleon can use Metal
Claw to take those down, so I decided that it would make more sence.

GoldenHouou
19th September 2005, 6:10 PM
You didnīt listen to my advices.... I told that you should make the chapters longer. A Charmeleon has no way OHKOing a Pidgeotto. And when Charmeleon attacked, what did the Pidgeotto do? Was it like "Yay! Iīm being attacked! But I donīt do anything! Wheee!" No, a pokemon would never be like that. It shoudl have attacked back.

And even though Pidgeotto is weak against rock, that doesnīt mean thatCharmeleon can defeat it. Metal is super effecvtive at rock, not flying.

You didnīt descripe the pokemon, even though I told you to. There were no desrciption.

Pidgeotto has a lot more attacks than Tackle and Gust. If Charmeleon has learned Flamethrower, even though it learns it at high level, Pidgeoot would have knowwn more attacks.

How did Charmeleon get Protect? It canīt learn it without TM.

And no way in hell that Charmeleon could beat Kangaschan with one Slash. Especially if thatīs Giovanniīs pidgeot.

What did Giovanni look like when he got in sight?

And Gio would never just fly away in fear.

You didnīt desrcipe Pewter or anything. Not teh pokemon center, wait, you didnīt even tell that he went in Pokemon Center. Or where did he sleep.

Iīm just trying to help, like Kidodi-sempai tries now. Listen to us. We want to help

Scizor King
20th September 2005, 12:09 AM
Hey, I appreciate the advice and all, but if you dont like it I'll delete it. I'm not that good at describing. Heres a quote:
with age comes wisdom

Xiang
20th September 2005, 12:29 AM
Hey, I appreciate the advice and all, but if you dont like it I'll delete it. I'm not that good at describing. Heres a quote:
My friggin' gosh, I am 11 years old and have actually accepted criticism!

You can listen to us and improve, or think that just because you're whatever years old doesn't mean that you can be a great writer.

Scizor King
20th September 2005, 2:51 AM
I got a headache so no update today sorry!

You can listen to us and improve
Look, I had a bad day, this headache has been here all day and two of my best friends keep fighting. Yesterday they were spitting at each other and today they were throwing acorns. Sorry about that ingnorace earlier, I really apprieciate the help. I was
acting mean and arragent, sorry.

GoldenHouou
20th September 2005, 4:35 PM
Do not use your age as an execuse.

Get it? No! īHow good you are as a writer doesnīt depend on your age. Just like Burakki said, you can be twenty four or something and still not good at writing if you donīt take otherīs advice. I wrote a fanfic, about six months ago. I thought it was great! But then, I read the posts in here. I read other stories, I read peoplesīs commments. Thatīs when I realised how sucky my fic was. Not because of the plot, it was fine, and Iīm still using it. But because it had absolutely no description. I didnīt explain where they were as they spoke or anything. And it was way too short too. Kinda like yours. But I didnīt give up on that. Nope, I just rewrote it, and now one cgapter is longer than four chapters before I edited it.

So age doesnīt bring you skills in writing. Nor does it bring you wisdom if you donīt try and want to learn. Thatīs why Iīm trying to help. Thatīs why others are trying to help. We are not flaming you, we arenīt saying this sucks. We are trying to help you with constructive critisism. That means that we arenīt just saying "Wow" Its keewl" and ignoring the mistakes. We are trying point out flaws, so that you could learn.

Try more description, and explain reasons in their actions. Like Aqua jumping in the river. Tell us why, what did they wish to accomplish, and why didnīt Maxie or the Gyarados go after them.

Headache, yes, I know how terrible that can be. Nobody is forcing you to write if your head hurts, nor is telling you to come to net. If you head hurts you should stay away from computer. And about your friends fight, think that others havenīt seen their friends to fight? Iīm sorry for you and them and all, but you arenīt the only one.

Now donīt close this thread just because we are trying to help.

Please conside our advices when writing the next chapter. Remember our advice, for we are trying to help you. Good luck with the next chapter.

Scizor King
21st September 2005, 10:33 PM
I'll try harder this time.



Please conside our advices when writing the next chapter. Remember our advice, for we are trying to help you. Good luck with the next chapter.
I will consider the advice, thank you. Next chapter in a few hours.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
21st September 2005, 11:17 PM
I'm 14 and I'm a bad writter.PLEASE add length and description in your story. Sorry that your friends are fighting.BTW, why were your friends throwing acorns at each other? Good luck on teh next chapter.

Scizor King
22nd September 2005, 1:30 AM
why were your friends throwing acorns at each other? .
How the heck should I know?

PokeMasta
23rd September 2005, 11:11 PM
Look, I had a bad day, this headache has been here all day and two of my best friends keep fighting. Yesterday they were spitting at each other and today they were throwing acorns. Sorry about that ingnorace earlier, I really apprieciate the help. I was
acting mean and arragent, sorry.
What about Ashi?

Scizor King
24th September 2005, 3:36 AM
What about Ashi?
SSSSssssshhhhh....... Please refer to him as yugiohfreak.
Finally! Chapter Five! This is going to be a special. What that means is the Pokemon will talk. When they talk, there dialoge will be in like this: <Hi!>. Okay, I've thought about the advice, hope this is better! Here it is:

//////////

<WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!> said Charmeleon, shaking Mike menacingly.
"Ugh," moaned Mike,"What's gotten into you?" he asked sleepily
<Nothin', I just wanted to try that. I saw that in the thing you humans call a TV.> answered Charmeleon, trying to look innocent
"Well get into your pokeball. I'll get ready and we'll leave." said Mike
<Aww, alright, not like I got much off a choice.> said Charmeleon
Charmeleon started to glow red, and dissapeared into a pokeball in a blinding flash of light. Mike yawned. He wasn't used to getting up at 6:00 A.M. He packed up some antidotes, parelize heals, awakenings, and potions. He went downstairs, still half asleep.
"Hello, did you sleep well?" asked Nurse Joy
"I slept, but it would've been better if my Charmeleon didn't wake me up." mumbled Mike
He left the Pokecenter and headed East. He soon saw three figures in the distance. Then he realized it was Max, Tom, and Irene.Typical. Morning Birds, he called them. He sped up, and then he caught up to them.
"Huh, hey look who's here, it's Mike!" said Max
"How 'bout we send out our Pokemon to see who has the coolest ones?" suggested Tom
"Okay, go Charmeleon, Dragonair, and Gyarados!" yelled Mike in a lofty attitude
"Come on out, Wartortle, Beedril, and Fearow!" exclaimed Max
"Ivysaur, Mankey, and Raticate, go." said Tom
"Lets go, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Butterfree!" cheered Irene
<Hey Wartortle, waassup?> asked Charmeleon
<Nothing's up except the sky.> responded Wartortle
<Guy's, let's have fun, it's a rare occasion for us to meet up like this.> said Ivysaur
<I like cheese!> stated Pikachu, while the others glared at her.
<Oh, come on! You boys don't know sarcasm.> said Pikachu

__________

After some fun, it was time for the fireworks. They all headed to the Pewter Museam of Science. The fireworks went off. Everyone cheered. The Pokemon had a talk.
<Well, we had fun,> started Charmeleon,<5,4,3,2,1.>
"Lets have a 4-way battle!!" yelled Tom

So the battle comensed, with fire, water, grass, and electric blasts flying through the air. All the Pokemon were battered and bruised.

"You kids are well-skilled." said a voice from behind, "You had a tough battle. Give these Full Restores to the Pokemon and they will be completley restored."
So Mike, Max,Tom, and Irene healed their Pokemon. They went into the Pokecenter and checked into their rooms. They all fell asleep in the darkness.

//////////

Okay, now I'll predict your question: "Who is the man who gave them Full Restores?" a good question. That was a preview for a character who will play a majer role later on. See ya!

UNDERGROUND BALLA
24th September 2005, 5:40 AM
In my opinion, it has improved. 2 times better than the last chap. Now I have a challenge for you. Each time add more details. Oh, and more pkmn talking.Nice job! Oh, forgot something. ADD MORE LENGTH.

PokeMasta
24th September 2005, 1:38 PM
Hey Drako Im makin more sprite as we speak.

Scizor King
24th September 2005, 6:41 PM
In my opinion, it has improved. 2 times better than the last chap. Now I have a challenge for you. Each time add more details. Oh, and more pkmn talking.Nice job! Oh, forgot something. ADD MORE LENGTH.Okay.

I'm making more sprite as we speak.
Okay, thanks!
P.S. I have loads of time on weekends so I might put up 2 chapters today.

PokeMasta
25th September 2005, 7:46 PM
I finished the town.

GoldenHouou
25th September 2005, 9:19 PM
It was okay, but it ws way too short... These chapters should be at least three times this long. But its better than the last one, Iīll admit. ^_^

Oh and Pokemasta, I think that you should tell things like that to him trough PM. I believe that was Spam.

Scizor King
25th September 2005, 9:48 PM
I finished the town.

I believe that was Spam.
I already knew about the town and yes it was spam.

It was okay, but it ws way too short...
I'll try to make it better and longer each time until I know the lengh is good and the description/story is fine.
P.S. I know this is way ahead of the game but when it's done there will be a sequel in a new region.
See ya!

PokeMasta
25th September 2005, 10:25 PM
Oh sorry :(

Scizor King
25th September 2005, 11:15 PM
Oh sorry
Just don't do it again.

Scizor King
29th September 2005, 2:19 AM
Wow, I never thought I'd get this far!
;006;:It's time to r-r-r-r-r-read!
Ignore the dope and read.

//////////

"Get to Mt. Moon now!" yelled Giovanni, breaking a window with his scream
"But boss, that kid'll kill us again!" persisted James
"Grr... I will hear no more of this! Get out of my sight, now!!!" cammanded Giovanni, breaking more windows
"Giovanni, I'll go beat that kid." Koga said, walking into the room suddenly
"Ah, Koga, It's good to see you again. Where have you been?" askad Giovanni,
calming down a little
"I have a gym, remember?" said Koga

---

Mike left the Pokecenter, heading for the gym.
"This'll be a tough battle, I'm sure of it." thought Mike

_______

"Who are you?" asked a shadowy figure in the corner
"I'm Mike from Pallet Town! You're going down!" said Mike
"I'm Brock, the rock-solid trainer of Pewter gym. My Pokemon are rock-hard with determination, that's right! They're all rock types! Are you still going to chalange me knowing you're gonna lose?" said Brock
"Lose? I'm going to kick your butt!" yelled Mike
"It's your Trainer's Pride that compels you to chalange me! Very well, but I shall not lose." said Brock
"Go Gyarados!" yelled Mike
<Can I have a crunch?> asked Gyarados
"If you win you can have 50 crunches." said Mike, a little annoyed
"Go Onix! This will be a 1-1 battle, no time limit!" yelled Brock
<Why do I have to battle all the water Pokemon!?> asked Onix
"Hydro Pump now!" yelled Mike
Onix and Gyarados engaged in battle. Rocks and water flew back and forth. Gyarados won with its 4X advantage.
"I took you for granted, and so I lost. You win, here, take this." said Brock
MIKE RECIEVED THE BOULDERBADGE FROM BROCK!
"Wait, take this with you!"
OBTAINED TM39ROCKTOMB!
Mike exited the gym, and headed for the Supermarket.
"How much for 50 crunches?" asked Mike
"$500, young man." answered the store clerk
Mike bought the crunches and went to the Pokecenter.
"Hello, welcome to the Pokemon center. We restore your Pokemon to full health. Please give me your pokeballs and I'll heal your Pokemon." said Nurse Joy
After healing up, Mike headed for Mt. Moon. At Mt. Moon, he saw a load of Rocket members. One was wearing a ninja scarf.
"You there, who are you?" asked the one in the scarf
"None of your busness, go Charmeleon!" said Mike
"Go Arbok! Glare!" yelled the man
"Hold it Koga! It's been a while hasn't it? Remember me?" the man who had given Mike the full restore had come in
"No! It can't be! I killed you!" screamed Koga
"You never killed me. You only scarred my eye. Go Moltres! Overheat!" yelled the man
He had spikey blue hair and a red cape. He had a scar on his right eye. Koga's Arbok had fainted in one hit.
"No! Team Rocket retreat!" yelled Koga
The whole cave turned pitch-black for a single second, but when the light came back Team Rocket was gone.
"Who are you?" asked Mike
"My name is E4DRAKE. I have been a ninja, which led me to a fight with Koga, who had almost killed me. He scarred my eye, left me battered and bruised, and I thought it was over for me. The only reason I survived is that my Pokemon had cared for me and helped me to recover. I had more and more Pokemon Battles, and then it happenned. I was in the region of Orre when a volcano erupted. I got all the people out but then Koga found me and threw me into the volcano. He was sure I died but I survived. I traveled the world and became the Pokemon Trainer I am today." said E4DRAKE
"Okay, I have one more question. Can you train me?" asked Mike
"But of course. I have a Pokemon Training Site in Cerulean City. Go there and I will make you an expert battler. I have two ways to train others. One is straightfoward battling just like on the road. The other one is you choose six
out of ten rentals and battle others. I will see you there." said E4DRAKE
He walked down a ladder and deeper into the cave. Mike took out his blanket, a pillow, and his sleeping bag and slowly fell asleep.

///////////
Now, as you see, I am now a character.
;006;Post away!
Exactly.

Xiang
1st October 2005, 2:07 AM
You have improved a whole flipping lot! Sorry if I was harsh, I'm just a know-it-all.

Just a tad more description, bulks, well not big huge bulks, just some more, and I can't really explain this, so I'll show you:


see you there." said E4 DRAKE

Sorry is I didn't copy it correctly, but it should be


see you there," said E4 DRAKE.

Instead of a period separating the speech and the text, it should be a comma. And always end your sentences with a period. ^^

Also, I know you don't really do this and you don't have to, but instead of "said" how about saluted, greeted, call, told, cried, screeched, lashed out, sobbed, hooted, jeered, and etc. when necessary, so you wouldn't write

"I hate you," saluted some weird guy.

"I love you," jeered some crazy woman.

That wouldn't work, unless it wasn't truly intentional.

Sorry if I'm' pushing you too hard. Trust me, you have improved a whole lot.

Scizor King
1st October 2005, 2:35 AM
You have improved a whole flipping lot! Sorry if I was harsh, I'm just a know-it-all.

Just a tad more description, bulks, well not big huge bulks, just some more, and I can't really explain this, so I'll show you:

{see you there.}

Sorry is I didn't copy it correctly, but it should be

{see you there,}

Instead of a period separating the speech and the text, it should be a comma. And always end your sentences with a period. ^^

Also, I know you don't really do this and you don't have to, but instead of "said" how about saluted, greeted, call, told, cried, screeched, lashed out, sobbed, hooted, jeered, and etc. when necessary, so you wouldn't write

"I hate you," saluted some weird guy.

"I love you," jeered some crazy woman.

That wouldn't work, unless it wasn't truly intentional.

Sorry if I'm' pushing you too hard. Trust me, you have improved a whole lot.
One thing. That was the end of a sentence!

UNDERGROUND BALLA
1st October 2005, 5:30 AM
You have improved. Just add more detail. I think you are teh first person to put yourself in the story. I might be wrong. NICE!

Scizor King
1st October 2005, 11:57 PM
I wanted to put myself in the story for originality as I read many fics and nobody made him/herself a character except Typhlogirl in Poketalk.

Scizor King
7th October 2005, 1:30 AM
This is twisted around as... OOPS! I almost gave it away!

///////////

Mike woke up, though it was not morning. He checked the time.
"3:00am. Why did I wake up?" thought Mike
All of a sudden, he heard something.
"Who are you?" asked a low voice from behind
Mike turned around. It was a skinny, short man. He looked to be in his twenties. He was wearing a Team Aqua uniform.
"You, you're from Team Aqua! Aren't you?" said Mike
"Yes, I am Sean, another Aqua admin." said Sean
Then, a man in a Team Magma uniform walked in. He had a cape and a smirk on his face.
"What are you doing here, Tabitha!?" asked Sean
"Isn't it simple? I'm here to ruin your plans. Mike? Lets take him on." said Tabitha
"How do you know my name?" asked Mike
"Maxie sent me. Go Magmar!" yelled Tabitha
In a flash of light, a flaming figure appeared. It was much bigger than a normal Magmar. Flames dance in its eyes.
"Go Charmeleon!" said Mike
Charmeleon looked at Sean. Without warning, Charmeleon jumped at Sean. Its
eyes glew an intense red. It swiped furiusly at Sean.
He fell to the ground, bleeding.
"Charmeleon! you're not supposed to kill the guy!" yelled Mike
<I... I remember him. He invaded my home when I was little. That was the day I got separated from my brother.> said Charmeleon
"Mike. Your Charmeleon has some anger issues." said Tabitha
Mike withdrew Charmeleon.
"How is he so powerful all of a sudden?" thought Mike
The Aqua-helicopter crashed through the cave and quickly got Sean in and flew out quickly.
"I must go." said Tabitha
Mike went through the rest of the cave and soon he was out.

//////////////

PLEASE REVIEW!

And while you're at it, rate it!

UNDERGROUND BALLA
7th October 2005, 2:14 AM
This chap was-sadly-very short. Please for the love of god make it longer. I'm not saying its bad. I'm saying that its short. 3 out of 5.

Scizor King
7th October 2005, 2:19 AM
Thanks. Its late 'n I'm tired. Today, I was outside, and a dog got loose. PM me for details.

Scizor King
12th October 2005, 3:04 AM
Finally! An update!

////////////

"Finally! I'm out of that cave!" cheered Mike
It was a long trip, but he made it. He saw two men in karate uniforms in the area. One was punching intensley while the other was kicking frantickly.
"Who are you two?" asked Mike
"Joe Fist" said one man
"Jon Foot" said the other
"Whatever." said Mike
He walked along the path. Soon he was at Cerulean City. He went to the gym. Oddly, it was filled with water.
"Welcome to the Cerulean City gym water arena. Water Pokemon only. Battle!
By the way, I'm Misty." said Misty
"Go Gyarados!" said Mike
The long sea searpant roared loudly.
"Go Starmie! This is a 1-1 battle!"
(The battle is turn based here so work with me. Mike first.)
"Hydro Pump now!"
"Protect!"
"Attack with Dragonbreath!"
STARMIE IS PARALYZED, IT CAN'T MOVE
"Finish it! Hyper Beam!"
(End battle)
"You win, take this." said Misty
MIKE RECIEVED THE CASCADEBADGE FROM MISTY
"And this." said Misty
MIKE RECIEVED TM03WATERPULSE
Mike left the gym, and saw Max at the River. Wartortle was swimming happily.
"Hey Max!" yelled Mike
"Yo!" said Max
"Hello, I got you two right where I want you."
The two turned around and saw...

////////////

End makes you wonder, doesn't it?
When you read, review!

spazum101
12th October 2005, 3:17 AM
your stories good dont stop writing

Scizor King
12th October 2005, 3:18 AM
your stories good dont stop writing
Explain why it's cool.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
12th October 2005, 4:04 AM
Nice. Guess what I am going to say? Come on guess. Add boatloads of detail. Not much eles Ican say except nice. 4/5

Hero of legend
13th October 2005, 1:27 AM
I just read Ch 7 & 8, it's getting better and better!

10/10!

Scizor King
13th October 2005, 1:40 AM
I just read Ch 7 & 8, it's getting better and better!

10/10!
Could you explain it?

Scizor King
16th October 2005, 1:09 AM
This will keep switching locations as well as revealing new info.

////////////

When they turned around, they saw a hooded figure. Then, it took off the cloak, revealing...
"Tom!" said Mike, surprised
"Yeah, see ya." Tom said and left
Mike turned around, and saw that Max was gone. He walked to Cerulean Cape. Sudenly, his PokeCellDevi, or Pokemon Celluler Device, started to ring. Mike answered it, surprised to see...
---
Max was walking along Route 4 to Vermilion City. He saw a gaurd blocking his way to Saffron City, and the Underground Path door was locked. He sat down onthe grass and started to think. (Flashback)
~
A seven-year-old Max and a six-year-old Mike sat in the field. Max started talking.
"You know, I'm not from here." said Max
"What do you mean? Are you from Viridian then?" asked Mike, curiously
"No. I'm from a place called Hoenn. It's anothr region like Kanto, but Hoenn's bigger. There are in fact five regions, Kanto, Jhoto, Hoenn, Orre, and the Sevii Islands." said Max, secretly slipping an egg into Mike's bag. (End Flashback)
~
"Hmmm... I wonder when that egg will hatch?" thought Max
---
Tom walked to the sea cottage, house of the famous Bill. He heard that Bill had many rare Pokemon. So rare that trainers searched their whole lives to find but never had.
"If I see those Pokemon, my Pokedex will track wild ones."thought Tom
---
Irene was playing with Pikachu at the Cerulean City entrance. Pikachu was laughing, while Irene was frustrated.
<You stink at this!> said Pikachu
"It's not over yet." said Irene
---
"Prof. Oak! What's happening? Why the sudden call?"
"You see... new Pokemon have been spotted in Kanto." said Prof. Oak
Suddenly, Mike's bag started shaking, and when Mike opened it, he saw a shaking egg. He took it out, and it hatched into a blue Mud Fish.
<Hi! I'm Mudkip!> said the Pokemon

///////////

Good? Bad? Tell me!
If you read it, REVIEW it!

PokeMasta
16th October 2005, 4:49 PM
Wow the chapter was better than I thought it would be.

Scizor King
16th October 2005, 6:55 PM
I thought you would like it.

Scizor King
16th October 2005, 9:27 PM
Chapter 10!
Note: Last time, we had the "Random Mix" chapter. Now we will continue where we left off with Mike.

///////////

"Mudkip? What's a Mudkip, Proffeser?" asked Mike
"Mudkip is a newly discovered Pokemon from the Hoenn region. However, we of Kanto do not know the wherabouts of this region. Mudkip is the Mud Fish Pokemon. it can use the fin on it's head as a radar. As it evolves, it changes from a Water type to a Water/Ground type." said Prof. Oak
"What are you? A walking dictionary on Pokemon?" asked Mike
Prof. Oak hung up. Mike just sat there, while Mudkip was jumping up and down. "How did this Mudkip get here? Why was the egg in my bag?" thought Mike
"Hmmm... Hoenn, where have I heard that before? Hmm... *gasps* MAX!" said Mike
<Chill Mike, chill.> said Charmeleon
"Chill?! How can I chill, Blaze?! I find out my best bud snuck an egg into my bag and you expect me to chill?! YOW! *Faints*" said Mike
"Soar? Why did you knock Mike out?" aske Blaze
"He was coocoo." replied the Dragonair
"You're crazy, Soar." said Gyarados
"Whatcha gonna do about it, Red?" asked Soar
"This. *Uses Hydro Pump*" said Red
(Mike in dream)
"And the winner of the 2005 Pokemon Leage Championship is Mike from Pallet Town!" said the announcer
(Real world)
"Blaze? Do you have a Crunch?" asked Red

---

(Team Rocket Base)

"Koga! How could you lose to some kid?!" yelled Giovanni
"I told you! Some guy came with a Moltres!" said Koga
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU IMBECILE!" screamed Giovanni

---

(Meanwhile, at Indigo Plateau)

"Team Rocket has been attacking many areas. Most recently at Mt. Moon, a Rocket Mob rushed out to Celadon City. We must take action!" said a furious Lance

---

(And back to Mike)

<Give me a Crunch!> yelled Red

////////////

Too random, huh?

PokeMasta
16th October 2005, 10:13 PM
WAY too random. Ha I told you it was I good Idea. I snuck it your back pack! I snuck it in your... whoops...

Metarock Sam
16th October 2005, 10:32 PM
I see very, very random. But this does have great potential and from the looks of things your are improving all the time. Lets hope it gets better and better.

-;376;

Scizor King
17th October 2005, 12:25 AM
I see very, very random. But this does have great potential and from the looks of things your are improving all the time. Lets hope it gets better and better.

-;376;
Exactly. I want to get more chapters up.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
18th October 2005, 2:08 AM
Wow, a mudkip. I didnt see that coming. In length it has improve. Good job.

Scizor King
18th October 2005, 3:49 AM
Yes, a Mudkip. It's my favorite Hoenn starter. I will give a little preview for an un-numbered Leage Chapter:

Max: Go Blazeken!
Mike: Why is that Blazeken 2 feet tall?

So yes, Max will have a tiny Blazeken. Idea from PokeMasta.
Note for those on my buddy list: You can submit ideas to me and I will try to fit them into the plannings.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
18th October 2005, 5:44 AM
Yes, a Mudkip. It's my favorite Hoenn starter. I will give a little preview for an un-numbered Leage Chapter:

Max: Go Blazeken!
Mike: Why is that Blazeken 2 feet tall?

So yes, Max will have a tiny Blazeken. Idea from PokeMasta.
Note for those on my buddy list: You can submit ideas to me and I will try to fit them into the plannings.
lol. Midgit blaziken...pricless.

PokeMasta
19th October 2005, 10:11 PM
lol. Midgit blaziken...pricless. Thankyou thankyou very much

Scizor King
20th October 2005, 12:41 AM
lol, midget Blazeken... pricelessThankyou thankyou very much
1.Thank you not Thankyou
2.That had nothing to do with the fic
Just sayin'.

PokeMasta
20th October 2005, 1:18 AM
Can you post the next chapter? SOON?

Scizor King
22nd October 2005, 3:09 AM
Can you post the next chapter? SOON?
To answer:

//////////

Mike woke up, and saw Red arguing with Blaze about the chocolate.
<Crunch is better!> yelled Red
<Hershey is!> jeered Blaze
<Who loves the Chocolate? Everyone loves the Chocolate. Nobody hates the Chocolate. Cause everyone loves the Chocolate!> sang Soar
Blaze and Red started Slashing and Hyper Beaming Soar. Mike stared, annoyed. Soar fainted, and Blaze and Red argued AGAIN. And in the corner was the little Mudkip, Muddy.
<Mike? Why are those three fighting?> asked Muddy
"Because they are Chocolate obssessed." responded Mike
Mike held up four Pokeballs, and retrieved the four Pokemon and headed for Bill's house. He got to the end of the route and saw, you guessed it. A Team Rocket mob heading for Bill's house. He snuck past them and, at Bill's house, saw Bill at a computer. What a nerd.
"Hello. Are you Bill? I'm Mike. From Pallet Town." said Mike
"Hmm? Ah, yes. Prof. Oak told me about you. I study Pokemon, but I'm more of a Pokemaniac than a Proffesor." said Bill
And all of a sudden, a Team Rocket mob broke into Bill's house. Litterally. They blew up a wall with dynamite.
"Who are you?" asked Bill
"I'm Team Rocket Admin. This is: Team Rocket Grunt, Team Rocket Grunt, Team Roc-"
"We get it!" said Mike "We don't need you ranting all 20 whatever members."
"26, but who's counting?" said Team Rocket Admin (original name, eh?)
"Well apparently, you are."

(20 minutes later)

The Rockets run out of the house, crying, running home to their mamas. And they left a check for $70.80.
"How kind of them." muttered Bill
"At least they signed the check." joked Mike
Mike left the house and went to Cerulean. At the city, a Halloween party had been announced for Halloween, at the Sea Tower. (new place)
"Well, off to the humamart!" said Mike (humamart = human mart)
The poster says:
GO TO THE HALLOWEEN PARTY AT SEA TOWER! WINNER OF THE COSTUME CONTEST GETS A TM57, FAINT UPPERCUT! COME FOR FUN, PIZZA, AND, UM, SOMETHING ELSE!
"Stupid poster." grumbled Mike

/////////////////

Faint Uppercut = Dark/ Strikes the foe unavoidably, and scares the foe to sleep.

Scizor King
10th November 2005, 4:08 PM
*sigh* If no one reviews this, I'll get rid of it. What's the point of it if nobody reviews?

////////////

Mike was walking through Cerulean, heading torwards the Underground Path. He won the costume contest because nobody entered. He taught Charmeleon Faint Uppercut.
"I wonder what Max is doing?" mumbled Mike.
"You! Battle me!" shouted a nearby Trainer.
"Who are you?" asked Mike.
"Cooltrainer Bob!" saluted Cooltrainer Bob.
Idiot.
"Who said that?!" asked Bob.
"Get used to it. A voice will always say something." explained Mike.
Exactly. So quit your whining and battle.
"Go Blaze!" yelled Mike.
"Go Geiko!" said Bob, sending out a Treeko.
Geiko, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
"Blaze! Faint Uppercut! Follow up with Slash! And Flamethrower!" yelled Mike.
Geiko fainted, and Bob punched Mike in the nose, knocking him out. Blaze roared loudly, eyes flaming red. He was enveloped in a white light, and started growing. He sprouted wings, and took a dragon-like shape. Where once stood a Charmeleon, now stood a powerful Charizard, eyes red with anger.
<You'll pay for that!> roared Blaze.
Blaze unleashed a flame far bigger and hotter than Flamethrower.
Fire Blast.
Blaze cluched Mike in his claws, and flew to a Pokemon center.
"What happened?" asked Nurse Joy.
Blaze flew out the window, and came with Bob. He pointed to Bob, to Mike's nose, and imatated a punch.
"You have some explaining to do." said Nurse Joy.
Blaze went into his pokeball, and, four hours later, Mike woke up. He left the Pokecenter, and went through the Underground Path. Once he got out, he went to Vermillion, where he saw...

---
(At Pallet Town)
"Proffesor, why do you think Mike left?" asked Mike's mom.
"You didn't want him to leave, so he left. You know how much he dreamt of beating the Elite Four and becoming Champion." replied Oak.
Yeah, so shut it lady.

//////////////

PLEASE Review!

PokeMasta
10th November 2005, 4:17 PM
Ha thats funny they just keep getting funnier

Scizor King
11th November 2005, 3:53 PM
Funnier? Wow... unexpected. How come you're the ONLY one who reviewed this chapter and... I'm starting to get impatient.:o

FlamingRuby
12th November 2005, 3:57 AM
Okay, let's see here...

Description: There's some, but there needs to be more...what do the characters look like? What do the attacks look like?
Characters: Your characters are a bit of an oddball...and I mean that in a good way!
Plot: Typical journey fic. Nothing special.

Anything else? Try to double space everything so it'll be easier to read.

Rating: ;025; ;025;

You have potential...just work on description and you'll be fine!

Dilasc
12th November 2005, 4:32 AM
This thread is a joke! Anyone who thinks this is good is obviously a very poor reviewer. If you reviewed this and said anything but bad, 'd say stay away from my good fic Dust to Deceit, because I don't like stupid reviewers... ah who am I kidding, I like all reviewers.

ANYWAY! On with the story. Let's start with the description. I'll describe how good your description is at your capability level. Here we go:

Ad that's that! Wasn't that as descriptive as your story? Yep, sure was. How? Well bird brain, because your story has absolutely NO DESCRIPTION! It's scripty in a bad way. If you're not going to improve it, this thread could get LOCKED! Do you want that to happen? I won't care either ay, but you might cry a river over lockage.

Basically, fix this up, make it longer, add description, and my god, use paragraphing, please!

Scizor King
12th November 2005, 4:46 AM
If you hate it so much why not give some ways to improve?

your story has absolutely NO DESCRIPTION!
No description? That got on my nerves when I saw it. If you ... did you even read the whole thing? That review sounds like those on page one... If you read the whole thing you'd see description.

This thread is a joke
Then why isn't it in the joke thread?

Pokemon Groudon
3rd December 2005, 6:11 AM
Lol....The stories pretty good.......but you should actually include the other starter trainers some more.;130; ;034; ;034; ;380; :cool:

Pokemon Groudon
3rd December 2005, 6:13 AM
btw how do you change from beginning trainer and put a pic

Pokemon Groudon
3rd December 2005, 6:24 AM
do do i put a pic and change from beginner??;383; ;382; :D

Scizor King
5th December 2005, 3:21 AM
Pokemon Groudon, STOP SPAMMING IN MY THREAD! NO RANDOM SMILLIES, NO TRIPLE POSTING! THAT'S WHAT THE F*CKING EDIT BUTTON IS FOR! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FIC, UNLESS IT IS A SIDE NOTE!

(BTW, you have just witnessed me getting ticked off v2.0)

Pokemon Groudon
6th December 2005, 1:44 AM
gees im sry.....im pretty new and i dont know that mauch...btw ure story is pretty good....when u doin the next chapter

Zephyr Flare
6th December 2005, 8:49 AM
Geez pretty much ALL of you need to read the goddamn rules, being new is no excuse, you know rules in top right so read the blasted things, the fic writer has broken most of the fic rules which are clearly stickied in this area, I've been spammed by reported posts from the same person on this thread.

When age is an excuse for bad writting, the anime will be remotely decent.


I'm closing, just read the rules and you will know EXACTLY why &#172;&#172;

Sandra