PDA

View Full Version : Sin



Pages : [1] 2

Kiyohime
17th September 2005, 10:38 AM
Welcome, readers. ^.^ I'm very pleased you decided to read the story that I've been slaving on for...er, a long time now. x_x;; I put a lot of sweat and effort into this, so even the smallest review will make me tremendously pleased. Don't be scared, folks...I don't bite. Hard. XD

This story's plot isn't very conventional by most standards here. Still, I hope people shall enjoy what it has to offer. n_n It's a supernatural horror stirred up with some good old-fashioned adventuring and battling. Chaos, violence, blood, dry humor, and insane Paras abound!

As per usual, I'm required to put up a warning. Younger readers, please, please, please take heed.


WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!

RATED MA15+

This story contains scene of graphic gore and violence that may be disturbing to tender young minds. I repeat, please do not proceed further if you have an aversion to melting flesh, exploding heads, cannibalism, boiling bowels, brain cancer, stubbed toes...the list goes on. No, actually, I'm exaggerating. XD But the graphic gore's still there, kids. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Please don't complain. There's a reason this warning is up here in the first place, folks.

Now, allow me to round this ramble up with a couple more things. n_n;

Firstly, if you wish to be notified whenever a new chapter is posted, simply state so and you'll be added to the list.

Notification List
Joshua
Sike Saner
Jirachiman876
xXSaberXx
Wondrous Sableye
Kaizer63
NiGHTS
Quackerdrill
BrokenDreams
Rani Fernleaf
UnholyWeather
Saffire Persian
Serpent Syra
TyraniRay
Typhlogirl
BenJS
PsiUmbreon
Iron Lugia
NateDawg161992

Secondly, there will always be a directory of chapters in this post. Whenever a new chapter is added, I'll be editing the chapter number and title into the index here, as well as in my signature.

+[S I N]+
Prologue: Ballad of a Fallen Angel (POSTED: 9-17-05)
Chapter One: Just a Pack of Cards (POSTED: 9-18-05)
Chapter Two: The Lady of Shadows (POSTED: 9-24-05)
Chapter Three: Tainted Pink Petals (POSTED: 9-29-05)
Chapter Four: The Heart of Darkness (POSTED: 9-30-05)
Chapter Five: Shards of an Ice Queen (POSTED: 10-7-05)
Chapter Six: Shackles of Sorrow (POSTED: 10-12-05)
Chapter Seven: Bag of Bones (POSTED: 10-18-05)
Chapter Eight: Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned (POSTED: 10-25-05)
Chapter Nine: Symphony of Blood (POSTED: 10-31-05)
Chapter Ten: Heaven's Prison (POSTED: 11-7-05)
Chapter Eleven: The Shades in Our Coffins (POSTED: 11-8-05)
Chapter Twelve: Flight of the Firstborn (POSTED: 11-28-05)


Finally, all that's over with. x_x Now for the prologue. Whee.




+ + + +

In the eternal instant before the Beginning, before Time was pronounced in fire, long before the tiny dust of history came to settle from the flames, something whose actions no verb can truly describe seemed to enfold possibility, to surround in it the manner of an idea, and fashioned out of the fires of Genesis two creatures.

Two Gods.

Yin and Yang.

Yin came to be known in human mythology as Lugia, the Dragon of the Deep. The legendary dragon of the shrieking gales and the torrential waves, she was the wrath of a hurricane incarnate. One gentle flap of her wings could blow a house off its foundations, stir a tranquil sea into foaming, frothing frenzy and create a howling maelstrom that the likes of Man had never seen. She was of shadows and darkness, the subtly shifting shadows within thunderstorms and the currents of the deep waters. She was the Void.

Yang came to be known as Ho-oh, the legendary Phoenix of glory and resurrection. The Phoenix soared upon blazing rainbows, wings aflame and eyes burning with the passions of aether. He could bring down raging firestorms and leave behind a blasted, dead and withered landscape…. but he could also create life anew, in the timeless cycle of death and rebirth. He was of light and heat, the roaring, passionate flames of the earth and the sun. He was the Heaven.

Yin and Yang. The ultimate balance of the universe, maintaining the opposing forces of order and chaos. Creation and Destruction. Ho-oh created the stars that burned brightly in the dark void created by Lugia. Together they created a world, and stirred life into it…and watched from afar the follies of Man…



Prologue
Ballad of a Fallen Angel

Saffron City was a cauldron of fire.

The streets were crazily jammed with cars, all of them silent and hollow. Their owners were dead or had fled, and thick smoke rolled down the crammed streets, creating a sooty haze that choked the air. Broken glass glittered on the ground, blazing crimson as they reflected the flames.

The sky was a fury of red and orange, rippling and twisting flames, howling as they hungrily devoured the oxygen, casting a demonic, sinister orange glow upon the ruined skeletons of skyscrapers and the blasted frames of cars. The charred corpses of drivers sat slumped behind their wheels, blackened bones jutting through grey, flaky ashes that had once been flesh.

In the rubble-strewn streets, a lone figure moved among the smoke and the burning wreckage.

She went staggering and stumbling, weaving a meandering path around the cars. The heat of the flames stewed her stomach and baked her brains, but she was no longer aware of it. The girl stood swaying in her rags, wildly looking around. One wrist was broken, a grotesque lump wrapped in a dirty, unraveling bandage. All the bones in the fingers of that hand had pulled up, turning the hand into a claw.

She could have been beautiful, if it weren’t for the layers of grime and soot blackening her skin, and her hair was frayed and dirty. The skin that was visible under the tattered strips of her clothes was glazed with sweat and gleamed with the orange light cast by the fire.

The girl’s other hand clutched a ragged, dirty brown sack, half-full and lumpy. The sack dragged in the dirt, its lower half coated with filth. Lumps and bumps protruded from the sack at odd angles, and as it moved, quiet clacks could be heard.

The girl stared at the city all around her, and turned her face up to the savage sky that blazed, coating her with furnace heat.

She screamed.

It was a savage, triumphant scream that pierced the dull roar of the crackling flames, a wild primeval shriek. The girl began to do a shuffling, victorious dance on the hot, shimmering asphalt while the wind blew sparks and smoke across the street. The blackened teeth of the ruined buildings tore at the sky as they had always done. Only the grinning, blackened corpses in the cars witnessed the spectacle.

She danced. Her feet, clad in falling-apart sneakers, bumped up and down on the asphalt in a drunken sort of hornpipe. The tattered tails of her shirt flapped wildly. Her sack clacked merrily. The unraveling ends of the bandage fluttered in the hot breath of the wind. Orange, sweaty skin gleamed raw and dirty.

As the girl danced, she sang monotonously, the same words over and over. Her voice was high and raw.

“Burning sin, burning sin, bump-ty, bump! Burning sin, burning sin, bump-ty, bump-ty, bump!” Each final ”bump!” was followed by a little skipping leap until the heat made everything swim and she collapsed, half fainting, her taxed heart thundering crazily in her arid chest. With the last of her strength, blubbering and grinning, she pulled herself into the shade of a chunk of debris jutting from the ground at an angle. She lay in its shade, shivering in the shimmering heat and panting.

“Burning sin!” She croaked, in between aspirate gasps. “Bumpty-bumpty-bump!”

The girl fumbled her sack open with her claw hand and shook it. From within, the clacking grew louder. She scrabbled her good hand around inside the sack, and touched the treasure within, making sure it was all still there. Satisfied, the girl rolled over, her cheeks and eyelids thick with ash and soot.

“Lovely bones,” she whispered, cradling the sack and crooning nonsense to the rough burlap, stroking it. Above her, Saffron City continued to burn. Within the flames spanning the sky, a brief silhouette of rainbow-spun wings seemed to rise, then faded back into the roaring inferno as the flames raged on, devouring the heart of a dying land.

Elemental Charizam
17th September 2005, 11:11 AM
It'd be a sin for me not to review this, even though it makes me less of a guilty reviewer...

I liked the pro-prologue thing, wheras such explanations are normally dull, yours felt alive somehow. The crazed child creates a very surreal image, dancing amongst all the death; a great scene... only, hasn't the child changed genders? In any case, a great prologue, short and sweet, especially the ending, which contradicts the ending of the pro-prologue; nice work there.

5/5: :snowlax:

Tale
17th September 2005, 12:12 PM
Wheee! Finally, I have something to read.

Well, being a prologue and virtually impossible to critisize, theres not much I can say.
No typos, grammar, description, atmsophere, all of it was there. I suppose you expect no less from a review, Scrap, it will all be the same.

So instead of carrying on in stating the obvious, I'll just mention how pleased I am that you've finally began posting, 5/5 of course, cant wait for chapter one.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
17th September 2005, 12:28 PM
O.M.G!

*drools*

This is beyond fantastic Scrap. I am at a loss of how to describe how wonderful your work is. Please, I would love to be added to the PM list.

Joshua

Flaming Lip
17th September 2005, 12:48 PM
Sorry I am a bit late... Twas posted when I was a sleep. Anyway... I could find no mistakes. Not even when I ran it through word, though I do think you need to put spaces between the "bumps" if you haven't.

Description was impecible, the begining was legend-like, and all the way it held my undieing interest. (only a few stories can keep me interested from begining to end. This being one of the only ones on SPPf that can).

I no you are planning something, but so far, the girls antics just seem... pointless. I understand insanity, but its nothing like that..... Then again with delusion....

Meh, you're the writer, I trust you know exactly what you are doing...

Ryano Ra
17th September 2005, 2:55 PM
;.; How dare you beat me to releasing a Fanfiction. How dare you. ;.;

Anyways, this was just magnificent. The tone was set perfectly, and I thought of the monotone song being able to heighten the tone and slightly increase the magnificent flow. Here, you place words that I never thought of using, which has been used in your unique way of writing. Surely, when it comes to horror, you are one of the best Pokemon-horror writers around here. I wonder how an original horror novel would be that was made by you. Also, now you've intrigued me into reading about the cannabalism, seeing as I never read anything concerning such a frightful, lightly funny matter. I find that to be very exciting and hilarious for a strange reason.

Anyways, fantastic job. I'm pretty much sticking myself to this Fanfiction, so I won't forget about the updates. Now you're pushing me to write more of Exhaled, and quickly at that. *scurries off to revise the first chapter*. Wonderful work.

Kiyohime
17th September 2005, 5:08 PM
o.o;; Dear god....only a few hours, and already so many reviews.

Elemental Charizam: Yes, the child has changed genders. xD I kept being unable to change my mind, and decided "Balls with it, I'll go with a girl!" because for some reason, I felt like I had too much male characters already. ^^;

Tale: Thank you very kindly for your comments. :0 I hope you won't be disappointed. ^^

Joshua: But of course you are going on the PM list. n_n Thank you.

Flaming Lip: *thwacks with Ringo Starr plushie* EVERYTHING'S GOT A POINT! I'VE GOT A POINT...A SHARP ONE WHICH I SHALL USE TO JAB YOU. Bwahahaha. Don't worry, everything makes sense....eventually. xD

Serpent Syra: Gear gods, may the heavens split and lighting strike me dead, for I've actually beaten Ryano Ra in releasing my fanficiton. XD Thank you for your review, and don't worry, the cannibalism shouldn't be too gruesome, hopefully.

*gives all of her reviewes giant hugs* Fwee.

Ryano Ra
17th September 2005, 5:13 PM
Serpent Syra: Gear gods, may the heavens split and lighting strike me dead, for I've actually beaten Ryano Ra in releasing my fanficiton. XD Thank you for your review, and don't worry, the cannibalism shouldn't be too gruesome, hopefully.

*gives all of her reviewes giant hugs* Fwee.Well, at the moment, I'm envious of the Prologue, partially because of the information you provided with Ho-oh and Lugia, and the way you described their actions and torrentials and flames was just marvelous. To be honest, this small piece indicates that you have grown into a better writer than what you had in 'Blood and Honey', and I congratulate on the wonderful improvement. Oh, I'd love for the cannibalism to be gruesome, because I never read anything concering such a delicious manner. I know it'll be a scene of happiness for me, so good luck.

But you know, this Breloom named Paras actually reminded me of the actual Pokemon named Paras, strangely. o.o; I never seen those in Fanfictions, and I thought that the Paras was a Paras, not a Breloom. But, Breloom was awesome and can be vigilant and murderous. I'm assuming that the preview in the Author's Cafe was part of the first chapter?

indigestible_wad
17th September 2005, 5:45 PM
Wow, this is almost unrecognizeable from Were. Beutifully written and beautifully thought out. Better than me.

ANyways, what's up with the blazing, dying land? Is kanto dying? I'mm sure it was just a metaphor on your part but still.

Then there are the guardians. If I remember correctly, yin was the light side, and yang was the dark side. So it's possible you got them mixed up.

jirachiman876
17th September 2005, 7:13 PM
*tis silent* My god that was good. I realy haven't read anything up to this that was that good really. The description was fantastic and everything just rocked. I swear you people are trying to make me write more. Well I found no mistakes so I will leave now. *nurses pained legs* Damn marching band and mowing the lawn, ow.
jirachiman out ;385;

Sike Saner
17th September 2005, 8:33 PM
A once-proud city, damned in flames...Ah, how lovely...*commences "bumpty-dance"*

As I trusted I would find, here is presented the savage beauty which is your calling card. I just adore that girl, and her dance, and her bag of bones; that's just so impure. Merrily traipsing through chaos and ruin...lovely. Her little song was just so delightfully unwholesome - it made me harken back to the sweet memory of the chanting children from Malice. I just love your evil nursery rhymes. ^_^

On a couple of side-notes:

- I read this a second time while listening to a Fear Factory song: "Freedom or Fire". Despite the title, lyrically it really doesn't fit the content all that well, but musically, it reflects the atmosphere of the prologue very nicely. Yum.

- I liked seeing Lugia cast as female, and Ho-oh as male, since most of the stories I've read depict them the other way around. I particularly like the idea of Lugia being female, muchly.

- "Eternal instant" is one of the loveliest phrases I have ever heard. Ever.

All in all, gorgeous, cinematic, and UNWHOLESOME as hell. Good show. Good show, indeed. ^_^

Oh, yes. Do please put me on the PM notification list.

xXSaberXx
17th September 2005, 9:33 PM
Scrap=Teh pimp.

x33333333333333

FINALLY! I CAN READ THE GLORY THAT IS SIN! *glomps* Seriously, this is incredible. I thought the dance the girl did was so sad and hilarious and heart breaking all at the same time. A kind of empty win for her......supposedly.

Am I right in thinking the 'treasure' she holds in the bag are Pokeballs? O_o You might have said they were bones, I never really caught that part.

Overall, the beaaaaaautiful description and intense setting made for a hooking prolouge.

*downs teh beer*

CHEERS!

Your loyal hobo,

Saber.

Kiyohime
17th September 2005, 9:35 PM
Ryano Ra: My profound apologies, but allow me to correct you- (and it's my fault, I should have made my siggy more clearer-- but there's a pathologically insane Paras AND a Breloom who can't fight but drive. *feels silly and scuttles off to revise her signature*

Wad: My apologies, but your memory must be mistaken. Yin is the darkness and the female aspect and the moon whereas Yang is the light, the masculine aspect, and the sun. ^^ And yes, Kanto is dead. Deader than a doornail. Fire does a good job of cleaning up. XD

Jirachiman: Thank you for your comment...xD Yes, yes, write! Write! *jabs with sharp sporks*

Sike Saner: *bows* I am truly glad you loved it so much. :0 The bag of bones and her chanting will make sense in later chapters.

Holeeeeeeeeey crap, if this is the reaction the prologue gets, I'm a little afraid to see what reactions the actual chapters will evoke. o.o;;

THANK YOU ALL, TA MUCHLY.

UNDERGROUND BALLA
17th September 2005, 9:45 PM
OMFG! I'm speechless. You bring this story alive! What else ta say? I LOVE IT!
10/10. n_n

indigestible_wad
17th September 2005, 10:12 PM
That's strange, because in a tv show I watch it's the opposite. Oh well, I don't really want to argue, because I could care less myself.

Kiyohime
17th September 2005, 10:39 PM
SABER!! I didn't see your post- you posted at the same time I did! xD

Nope, they're bones. 8D Nice shiny bones....<< >>

And STREET BALLA, thank you. ^3^

Overseer
18th September 2005, 12:01 AM
Well now, this type of story really warms my heart, then rips it out and eats it! But seriously, it is very descriptive and makes me invision the burning metropolis perfectly. The dancing girl was funny and sad at the same time. Very nicely done, Scrap.

jirachiman876
18th September 2005, 12:06 AM
Also scrap, Could you put me on teh PM list??? I won't check all of teh review crap *no offense to teh reviewers remember I am an on;y reviewer for now* and get right to teh chappie??? thanx!!!!!!
jirachiman out ;385;

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 2:09 AM
The List's been added, for all whom requested to have PM notification. ^.^

Since this is mostly pre-written, I'm able to post chapters at a whim, but I must admit I'm a little new to chaptered fanfiction...it's a step up from one-shots, so I'm unsure what's best to do in terms of time between chapter postings. o.o;; Do people prefer to wait a week or two for each chapter, or what?

xXSaberXx
18th September 2005, 2:55 AM
I wait a week or so. Course, mines not prewritten. xPPPPPPPP

I'd say a week. It leaves people to starve on teh last chapter and whets the appetite for the next one!

^_^

Oh, and add me too to the list pwease Scrap!? O-o

Burnt Flower
18th September 2005, 3:12 AM
................................................

*Stares*

*Speechless*

*Gives 5-star rating*

*Leaves thread submissively*

*Is not worthy*

The End.

...Or not. :p

I remember when you first showed me a little bit of your chapter a long time ago - I was impressed then, and I'm still impressed now. Beautifully horrifying descriptions and an interesting, insane character just make up only the Prologue; I really can't wait to see more actually (add me to the Notification List please). No grammatical nor spelling errors though you knew that already. :3

You're a horror master like always, Scrap. :D

*Bows*

Wondrous Sableye
18th September 2005, 3:17 AM
O_O Eep. You have earned my respect as a closet reader, Scrap. XD

I'm likin' the psychotic-ness of the child with the crazy little 'bumpty-dance,' as Sike put it. Yeah.

I'll be readin' this, albeit not reviewing often, but put me on the notification list anywhatzits. I could use some non-SPAM PMs in my Inbox…

*closes review with teh bumpty-dance*

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 3:41 AM
Added Saber and Sableye to the list. :P

And Burnt Flower, you are worthy! :0 We're like...the only two horror writers on this forum, I think. WE MUST NOT BACK DOWN! xDDDD

So here's the deal, folks. I shall be nice and post the first chapter tomorrow, mmkay? Then gaps between each chapter will be between a week or two weeks, seeing as I'm still scrambling to finish the later half of Sin. n_n;;

Ryano Ra
18th September 2005, 4:20 AM
Sounds reasonable enough. I really need to get up off of my butt and finish revising the second chapter before I scream to death, because I'd like to work on the third chapter. The night had just begun (11:14pm) and that's just enough time for my mind to be at work. But yes, I'd love to read the first chapter tomorrow, seeing as the Prologue was beautifully short and dangeorusly sweet. I'm too envious of you right now; you were able to receive magical amounts of reviews just in one day. ;_; *cries and hides in the obscured corner*

You could put me on the Notification List, but at random, rare-given times, I delete my PMs for countless, useless reasons. n.n Don't ask why, but I can get like that when too many people Private Message me, basically people who are just saying hello and I don't know them. n.n; Also, I have a question; the Prologue's title, does it somehow incorporate with the dancing girl? I'm getting a strange vibe that she's a fallen angel and had been accepted in the ranks of the hatred hell or something.

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 5:25 AM
I've given all of my chapters rather ambigious titles, which could be taken both literally and metaphorically. Good inference, Ryano...in a way, she's a fallen angel, but not actually literally an angel. n_n;

And I KNOW. I had a heart attack when I saw how many people responded to the prologue ALONE. O_o

Kaizer
18th September 2005, 2:33 PM
O_o

Wow, yet another great fic by Scrap, and this only the prologue! I'm already not sure where this is going exactly, but it's great. I'm still having trouble believing that this was once W:BaH, but it seems just as great. I didn't see any mistakes in the prologue and, besides Poochyena, I normally don't. Well, hopefully I'll have time to review the first chapter when you post it, so put me on the pm list just in case. Looking forward to reading your fics again.
;245;

Ryano Ra
18th September 2005, 5:17 PM
I've given all of my chapters rather ambigious titles, which could be taken both literally and metaphorically. Good inference, Ryano...in a way, she's a fallen angel, but not actually literally an angel. n_n;

And I KNOW. I had a heart attack when I saw how many people responded to the prologue ALONE. O_oYeah, I was getting the vibe that she was somehow associated to a fallen angel, since it makes sense for being such a high-classed heaven spirit, to be screaming and dancing in a ring of fiery disaster and such. Now I must figure out that if she has been accepted into the Hell ranks, whether or not she will be one of the deadly soul-scrapers. n.n;

Yes, I would have a heart attack seeing so many positive reviews. *sits down and waits for the first chapter*

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 7:39 PM
First Chapter's here, folks. Read and enjoy. Oh, BTW, here's a picture I whipped up for the story. Consider it the story's cover page.S I N (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y3/Scrapdreams/SIN.jpg)


Chapter 1
Just a Pack of Cards

One hundred years after the Great Apocalypse brought down by the fury of Lugia and Ho-oh, the world has moved on…

”And so the heavens were split by lighting, and thunder roared. The earth opened and screamed fire, and snow fell, covering the earth’s raw, bleeding wounds.”
-The Fury of Lugia and Ho-oh: The Extermination of the First Civilizations, first printed by Eden’s Historical Mythology Society

-------------------------------------------------------------

Zeffy Fujihara.

The first time I met her, I loathed her upon sight. But she saw me when other people didn’t. Her gentle compassion reached out to me, and lifted me from the darkness that I had brought onto myself.

She encompassed innocence and wisdom, laughter and serenity. She helped me by being my friend. She was always there wherever I desperately needed her, protecting me.

And on one warm summer evening, Zeffy snapped.

She snapped because of me.

I had never hated her so much as I had hated her in that single moment. My fury led me to slap her, a stinging blow across her soft cheek. I remember the blank, dead look in her eyes as her hand gently rose to touch the trickle of blood staining her lip. And them she smiled. That ghastly smile, so empty of the emotion that it should have represented. That was when she broke, in heart and spirit.

Her eyes, the blue color of laundered-to-the-perfect-fade jeans…at that moment, they were the eyes of a corpse. Vacant, emotionless….blank. Dead.

She left, leaving her apartment to me. She left me. She left on her Yamaha motorcycle, tears staining her cheeks as she roared off into the darkness, followed by the shadow of her bonded.

That was two and a half years ago.

She was eighteen and I was sixteen. My eighteenth birthday occurred last week, and I spent it alone, in the solitude of my room. Zeffy must be around twenty-one years old by now.

Idly, I wonder where she is sometimes. I still live in the apartment alone, save for my pet. I used to be alone every day…I did not mind. I did not notice my self-induced exile from social contact. But it wasn’t until Zeffy came into my life and then left it as abruptly as she had come that I realized the miserable truth…I hated being alone. I missed her gentle words, her teasing, her praise and encouragement. She was the first and only friend I had ever had. I missed her with a desperate, aching emptiness felt in my heart every day. But she was a monster. I hated her. I missed her. I hated her. It goes round and round in my head, until I’m utterly confused about my feelings and just wish I could forget it all. No matter how my heart whispers -she’s a monster!- my mind retaliates with an onslaught of memories of the many times Zeffy was kind to me, helped me, and so many more…it confuses me that I hate her and yet, I miss her.

I still do to this day.

Zeffy loved the game of cards. She and I used to play it every night, laughing softly as we teased each other and exchanged gossip. She left me her treasured, battered deck of cards. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I leave my bed and go to sit by the window, playing with the cards in the moonlight. Zeffy had always told me that each card had a special meaning hidden within it.

Each card has its own soul, Rinali. Remember that.

Gently, I slid the cards out in rows upon the desk, turning them around and examining them. I enjoyed doing this, because as my eyes wandered across the cards, they whispered memories of a forgotten time. I shuffled the cards and stared out into space as I recalled the memories.

I slid a card towards me, and picked it up. The grinning, skeletal visage of a panting Houndour stared back at me, tongue lolling out of a toothy maw.

The Laughing Jackal. Always laughing, always teasing, always jesting. Zeffy was a born joker, I remember. A merciless tease. Always pulling gentle, playful pranks on me, then flashing her trademark Who, me? grin that charmed her followers, her teachers, and anyone else caught by her dazzling charisma. She had taken me in, as she had everyone else.

I allowed my mind to wander, lost in the memories….lost in the fog of time.


shuffle

A winged bullet sliced the sky, carving shrieking furrows in the clouds and sending them swirling wildly, tumbling and frothing like frenzied waves on a balmy summer’s day. The roar of the wind blasted out by the sheer force of the metal hawk’s wings was deafening, and howled in a single, keening monotone.

My cousin. Fierce of claw and keen of eye.

Sunlight gleamed dully off the blades of the Skarmory’s wings as the metallic bird leaned into the wind, folding its razor wings back. The world spun as the iron hawk dropped towards earth like a stone.

He was the Firstborn of his clan.

With a flourishing snap of its honed wings, the Skarmory pulled itself out of its dive and shrieked across the skyline of Eden, skimming the mirrored rooftops of the futuristic city.

Some call him Shriek. Some call him the Butcher Bird.

Eden was the pinnacle of mankind’s achievements, a vast self-sustaining city of soaring skyscrapers with mirrored surfaces that reflected the sky-blue infinity above. Verdant green plants and vegetation were a contrast against the mirrored glass and steel, and the horizon was free of smog and pollution, so the majestic skyline was sharply defined against the sky.

As for me? I call him my Bonded. But, alas…

The Skarmory let its wings spread out in twin fans, drifting lazily upon thermals as the thriving, pulsing city unfolded beneath the bird’s wingtips. Far down below, the sidewalks bustled with people and Pokemon alike. They were tiny multicolored dots that collided and separated and merged and swirled and flowed around each other in the canyons of skyscrapers and asphalt. Life in Eden was a steady heartbeat, pumping blood through the network of vessels that were train tracks suspended high above the streets by steel pylons and support beams. Trains whistled across them, lazily gliding upon the tracks like steel snakes. The streets were strictly for walking pedestrians and bikes; cars had been outlawed in Eden for public safety. The mirrors of the train tracks were the light-soaked, clear canals of glistening water that sliced Eden into sections.

It is a lie. He shall not be shackled to anyone like that.

Beyond the edges of the circular city, there was only endless sand. The desert was the apotheosis of all deserts, vast and stretching out into what seemed like eternity in all directions. It was white and blinding and waterless and featureless save for the faint, cloudy haze of the mountains that sketched themselves on the horizon and the occasional Cacnea that meandered across the rolling dunes.

Ever.

Eden was a paradise in the middle of the vast, rolling wastelands of Orre, a spark of life in a land of death, sandstorms and sun-bleached bones.

Yet…I long for a human of my own…to cherish and love and protect…


++++++++++++++

”Eden was built on the graves of the First Civilizations of Orre by the survivors of the Great Apocalypse. Eden is the pinnacle of the modern world, as it is an entirely self-sustaining city that generates its own power by absorbing and storing geothermal energy via mirrored solar panels. This has eliminated pollution utterly, and Eden has worked hard to keep a verdant and flourishing plant ecosystem throughout the city to provide endless oxygen to an otherwise arid land. Eden’s vast underground aquifers provide a never-ending supply of water, carefully maintained by teams of humans and aquatic Pokemon working together to keep the waters pure and clean. The architecture of Eden has been carefully designed and modeled after several First Civilization cities-Goldenrod and Saffron for their tall, soaring buildings, Phenac and Altomare for their symbiosis with water and canals, and La Rouche for its sheer beauty and industrial elegance. Therefore, Eden is a living proof of humankind’s ability to coexist peacefully aside Pokemon, avoiding the mistakes of the First Civilizations. The First Civilizations’ mistakes and blunders were what led to their demise. Eden is entirely run and operated by the Affiliation, which monitors the city carefully and controls all aspects of it. The Affiliation keeps itself behind the scenes, so the general people of Eden have limited knowledge about this secretive federal government-corporation. The Affiliation’s responsibility is solely to Eden itself…but no one quite knows the extent of this government-corporation’s control over the city, except perhaps the Affiliation itself.”
-Eden: The Complete History. The book originally contained a chapter on the Affiliation itself, but under mysterious circumstances, the publishing company was seized and forced to reprint copies with the chapter utterly erased.

Gentle sunlight streamed through a window, pooling on the floor and illuminating the delicate features of Rinali Furusato. The tall, slender sixteen-year old student was sprawled out in a deep slumber, facedown on her desk amid towers of haphazardly stacked books. The books leaned crazily at dangerous angles, but by some impossible flux in the law of physics, they remained upright.

The entire room looked as if a Pidgeot had gone berserk with Whirlwind. Books and papers lay scattered around the room, with rumpled clothing dotting the floor. Along the walls, yet more books were stacked in ungainly piles, and a bra hung from the ceiling fan (as a result of one night when Rinali’s roommate discovered the delightfully elastic properties of Rinali’s bra straps, much to Rinali’s distress). A futon occupied the corner of the room, although it was apparent that it hadn’t seen use for a long time.The room was utterly silent save for the quiet, rhythmic breathing of the girl. Behind her, the window opened out to a magnificent view of Eden’s skyline.

The peaceful silence of the room was rudely shattered as a train howled past. The windowpanes rattled and the book towers swayed as paper flew about wildly as the entire room shook from the vibrations, but this did not disturb its sleeping occupant. The dull roaring of trains hurtling past the window was a frequent occurrence, and Rinali was no longer disturbed by the noise.

Unfortunately, there were still noises that she couldn’t block out.

Such as the annoying squeaking coming from the floor, for instance.

“Parasss!”

Rinali stirred. Her eyelashes fluttered. A soft moan ground its way out of her slightly parted lips.

“Ssssss!” The indignant hiss was closer now.

Small, orange, and mobile, Psycho was Rinali’s dysfunctional pet. Aptly named, Psycho was a vaguely insect-like creature with a soulful gaze, four spindly legs that could carry him with extraordinary speed whenever he detected his favorite thing-food-and two large hooked claws. Growing out of his ribbed abdomen was two tochukaso, tiny parasitic red-and-yellow mushrooms that had a symbiotic relationship with their living host. And this small Pokemon seemed to be hell-bent on making Rinali’s morning as miserable as possible.

Psycho scuttled around Rinali’s feet, irate at being ignored.

“Paras!”

Rinali didn’t stir.

Psycho paused, and his eyes narrowed. Thoughtfully, he clicked his pincers together as he backed up slightly and gazed up at the immobile, sleeping form of the human.

It has been said by many researchers that it shall never ever be possible to decipher the thoughts of a Pokemon, and humans would never be able to bridge that final gap, but if they could have, this is a rough approximation of what they would have heard:

Biggabig humangirl sleepysleep! No! Bad! Sleepysleep badbadbad! Hungry! Wantfood foodfood! Wakewakewake sleepysleep humangirl! Psycho hungry! Hungry! Wakewakewake!

Psycho furiously stamped up and down on the floor, then rapidly threw himself into motion, furiously running around in small, tight circles.

PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY HUNGRY WANTFOODFOODFOOODNOW NOW NOW!

With a forlorn squeak, Psycho stopped dead in his tracks. The Paras slumped to the floor, his legs splaying out in all directions. He was the picture of utter despair.

Psycho is alone. Psycho is unloved. Psycho is sad.

Minutes ticked by as silence fell upon the room once again, broken only by the distant rumbling of another train as it clattered past, engines grinding and causing the room to shake again.

Abruptly, Psycho forgot why he was sad. He remembered he was hungry. Whatever was he doing, lying on the floor? The Paras leapt to all fours.

PSYCHO HUNGRY! BAD HUMANGIRL! BAD BAD SLEEPY!

With a frenzied squeal, Psycho threw himself into motion, scrabbling up and over the towers of books. Electric blue spores sprayed out from the tochukaso in a fine mist, settling down over the sleeping figure of the girl and stinging everything they touched with gleeful vengeance.

”Aaarrgh!”

With a shriek that echoed all through the small apartment, Rinali Furusato leapt up, howling as she tried to brush the stinging spores off her burning skin. Her legs tangled with the legs of her chair, and a heavy thud shook the room for the third time. With a triumphant shriek, Psycho flung himself on top of Rinali’s head and performed a scuttling victory dance, waving his pincers gleefully.

Fumbling for her glasses with hopeless platitude, Rinali sighed and gave up the search. Her eyes were enchantingly luminous and storm grey, but sadly, that was about all they were good for. She could see nothing except for an obscure blur, making it impossible for her to locate her glasses. The girl scowled, her face darkening.

Pretty was the last word that would have leapt to anyone’s mind when attempting to define Rinali. Any stranger looking at her saw only a quiet bookworm in a schoolgirl’s outfit who crept around the halls of Sakihime Academy, more often than not laden down with thick books. She was introverted and tended to be antisocial, exuding cold and distant vibes that kept others away-a situation which she was perfectly fine with.

Rinali wasn’t as attentive to her own appearance as she was to her studies, and so put absolutely no effort into appearing pretty or graceful. After all, what boy would have been interested in tall, geeky Rinali Furusato? Her idea of a fun evening was curling up in a moth-eaten, overstuffed armchair and reading An Introduction to Pokemon Taxonomy.

Therefore, Rinali always wore her light dun brown hair up in a messy bun, and indifferently allowed strands to escape the elastic band, framing her face in unevenly distributed bangs. It drove her roommate insane, but she didn’t really care. The bangs in question were being brushed out of Rinali’s eyes as she glared up at the Paras.

“My goodness, what’s all this discord? Rinali, aren’t you ready for school yet? It’s the first day of the new school term, and you shouldn’t be-“

A door in the hall slid open and Zeffy stood framed in the doorway, elegant as always in the uniform of Sakihime Academy. A simple white blouse and a black pleated skirt served to make Zeffy Fujihara, the Student Council President look every inch the lady she was. The older girl paused in mid-sentence, as she took in the sight of Rinali sprawled out with the shrieking Paras dancing on her head.

A deep, red flush rose in Rinali’s cheeks. Zeffy’s light blue eyes briefly flickered across the ridiculous scene, and lingered over Rinali before the older girl’s lips lifted slightly in an amused smile. Silence filled the room as both girls stared at each other, and then Zeffy smoothly took control of the situation.

“Well, it would seem my question has been answered,” Zeffy smirked as she stepped across piles of books and clothing to her fallen friend, stooping and plucking up Rinali’s glasses in one fluid motion. She helped the fallen girl up as Rinali snatched the glasses away, the blush still darkening her cheeks.

The younger girl pushed past her roommate, vanishing into the bathroom with a violent slam of the door, although the dramatic exit backfired as the sliding door only placidly slid into place.

Psycho squeaked nervously, and Zeffy shook her head, smiling gently.

“Don’t worry too much about it. Rinali just isn’t much of a morning person. Would you like some breakfast?”

The Paras clicked his claws as an affirmative, and happily scuttled after the pink-haired girl as she walked down the hall, quietly chuckling.


++++++++++++++

Rinali walked down the hall to the kitchen, dressed and as ready for school as she could manage. She was dressed in a uniform identical to the one Zeffy was attired in, but for some unfathomable reason, it always make her look frumpy and awkward while Zeffy always looked fantastic, no matter what she wore. That was just one of the many qualities Zeffy had that Rinali envied.

Zeffy was slouched at the kitchen table, facing her own reflection in the darkened window across from her. She didn’t appear to be looking at it or anything else in particular. Her luminous eyes had an unfocused, distant aspect about them. Fanned out upon the table were the playing cards that Zeffy cherished so.

Rinali paused in the doorway to study her, struck as always by just how elegant her roommate was. Next to Zeffy, Rinali always felt clunky and clumsy no matter how Zeffy always assured her she wasn’t. The older girl had been blessed with a classic beauty and a glowing complexion, drawing the admiring stares of many students at the Academy.

However, Zeffy had an unmistakable eccentric flair, and so had dyed bright, wild streaks of red and orange in her pastel pink hair. It made her look like a vivid bird of paradise, but it didn’t seem to bother her hordes of shrieking fangirls (and fanboys) at the Academy. It was as if everyone was infected with some sort of virus. Symptoms included swooning girls and boys at the mention of her name, as well as the establishment of the OUSAZFWSAAYF: Official Underground Sakihime Academy Zeffy Fujihara We-Shall-Always-Adore-You Fanclub. Everyone was in love with the grinning, sparkling, charismatic Zeffy. Except one…an antisocial, sullen teenager called Rinali. That was probably part of the reason Zeffy delighted in her unusual friendship with Rinali.

Rinali found it all utterly ridiculous. But then again, things would change soon. Today was the first day of the new school term at Sakihime Academy, and for the eighteen-year old council president, it was to be her final year. She had been an excellent student, pulling top grades in the classes of her major, which was Pokemon Linguistics.

“Hey,” Rinali said, taking one of the empty chairs at the table.

“Hey, yourself,” Zeffy replied, looking up and sweeping all of her cards into a single deck with a deft movement of her hands. As soon as she noticed Rinali, she grinned. “One of these days, I wish you’d try to take more pride in your appearance. You shouldn’t hide that cute face behind glasses and a messy hairstyle.”

Rinali sighed and blew her hair out of her face at Zeffy’s expression of amused disapproval. Zeffy always had an innate talent of finding the right chinks in her armor to poke a finger through. A pink tinge colored in her cheeks as she glanced away from Zeffy’s grinning face.

“Ah, but it’s true! You just don’t give yourself enough credit. Why, you should’ve seen your face after I sent Psycho to wake you up!”

For the second time that morning, Rinali’s face flushed bright red as Zeffy’s words hit her with shocking realization.

“You set me up, Zeffy?! You knew Psycho would do that to me…you did that on purpose?!”

Her discomfort only seemed to fuel the blatant amusement that encompassed the older girl. Zeffy put her hands together and smiled innocently.

“A trap is only good if her prey falls into her grasp.”

Rinali crossed her arms and glared at her roommate from behind her glasses.

“I really don’t like you right now,” she grumbled.

“But I like you,” came the quick reply which immediately knocked down the younger girl’s stern stance, sending her into another frenzy.

“Zeffy!”

The council president laughed, a hand over her stomach as peals of mirth continued its relentless attack.

“Ah, I can never have ripe cherries or apples again, for it’d only remind me of my dear Rinali’s beautiful cheeks.”

Zeffy stood up, pushing herself from the table. As she strode past Rinali, she reached out and took the opportunity to land a swift poke at those unguarded cheeks. The cool touch contrasted immensely with the heat that was practically radiating from Rinali’s face.

“You must get harassment lawsuits as frequently as spam mail!” retorted the red-faced girl, hands now covering her face in an attempt to protect her cheeks from further humiliation.

“Hmm… Never noticed any…” said Zeffy, a hand resting thoughtfully under her chin, “They must have been buried under that pile of love letters thanking me for my harassment.”

Rinali could feel her mouth jittering with the need for some sort of smart comeback. Unfortunately, her head refused to function with clarity after the continuous attacks. The best that she could muster up through clenched teeth was…

“You shameless, scheming, bi--”

“Thank you,” interrupted Zeffy, gracefully accepting the compliment as she turned to the window.

A distant, monotonous drone was swiftly rising in pitch from outside. Zeffy stepped back as a silver blur howled past the window, causing the windowpanes to rattle loudly. The shrieking drone abruptly cut off as the Skarmory banked and circled back, coming down for a landing upon the lawn outside the apartment. Zeffy smiled and turned to Rinali as the dull thud of ironclad talons slamming against packed earth rang out.

“Do you have your schoolbag? Our ride’s just arrived.”

Shriek dipped his head towards Zeffy and Rinali as they made their way down the front door steps and uttered a soft squawk in greeting. He had already settled down and made himself comfortable upon the damp dirt of the front lawn. Stormy grey clouds overcast the morning sun, which was eerily unusual as rain was extremely rare in Orre, and it wasn’t even the wet season.

The Skarmory was Zeffy’s special partner, her bonded. Shriek graciously offered his services of transportation to them several times a week, flying them to and from the academy. When Shriek wasn’t available for pickup and drop-off, Zeffy usually drove herself and Rinali to school on her Yamaha motorcycle. Today wasn’t a Yamaha day, unfortunately for Rinali. She was morbidly terrified of heights.

Nervously, Rinali edged towards Shriek. She was well aware that Shriek would never hurt her, since he was Zeffy’s bonded, but his wickedly sharp blades and talons never ceased to intimidate the timid girl. Not to mention that the imposing steel bird was easily twice her height, maybe more, even when sitting down.

Impatient, Zeffy pulled Rinali towards Shriek and pushed her up on the bird’s back, then mounted herself, ignoring Rinali’s small squeak of dismay.

“Bags secured, Rinali?” Zeffy inquired pleasantly.

“Yes,” Rinali mumbled. She was up in front, both legs straddling Shriek’s thick armor-plated neck. She was badly nervous, since it was impossible to get a good grip. He was made of smooth steel after all, and it was easy for her to imagine herself slipping off that smooth, slick surface…falling, falling, falling forever through the infinite blue-

“Relax, Rinali.”

Arms gently slid under her armpits, encircling her waist and holding it firmly, steadying her.

“I won’t let you fall.”

There was an added strength in Zeffy’s voice that kept Rinali’s terror at bay, and her tensed shoulders relaxed. Zeffy’s cool calm always had a way of easing her fears.

Suddenly, the world was rudely yanked from out under her feet. Everything disappeared into a howling, shrieking blur of grey, blue, and green.

Rinali’s innards lurched and did a lazy flip as Shriek catapulted himself into the sky, a rapidly shrinking dot in the sea of grey. Inertia slammed Rinali back into Zeffy, but the older girl remained firmly anchored, supporting her.

Rinali shut her eyes and kept her head firmly down, trying and failing to ignore the wind howling past her ears. No matter how many times she had ridden the vast iron hawk, it still terrified her every time.


shuffle

With lingering sadness, I gently put down the Laughing Jackal and gazed out the window. Psycho was dozing somewhere in the room, under a pile of clothes, no doubt. I was now in my final year, and it was apparent to everyone that I would most likely graduate *** laude with a major in researching. I was an expert at studying, processing and storing information for future reference, which had guaranteed me a promising career as a Pokemon researcher. However, I shocked everyone by taking an internship at the Gods’ Cry Dojo to train in the martial arts at the beginning of the school year. Why on earth would a dedicated and gifted student like me suddenly perform a 180-degree turn and turn to the ways of battle? Especially when I was different? When I had no bonded?

Another sad smile lifted my lips as I gazed out the window. Cold moonlight played across my face as I let my mind and my hands wander.

Eventually, another card crept its way into my palm, and I gazed down at the card with placid curiosity. My heart involuntarily tightened and thumped painfully within my ribcage as I stared at the image upon the card. Stunned, my hands began to tremble involuntarily.

A field of bones under a leaden grey sky.

The House of the Bones.

Sin.


shuffle

Deep in the trenches carved into the floors of the Southeastern Hoenn oceans, there are Pokemon which live and die without ever seeing the sun. These fabulous creatures cruise the depths like ghostly streamers of mist, lit from within by their own radiance. Although they look delicate, they are marvels of biological design, built to withstand pressures that would crush a man into a bloody pulp in the blink of an eye. Their great strength, however, is also their great weakness. Prisoners of their own alien bodies, they are locked forever in their dark depths. If they are captured and drawn towards the surface, towards the sun, they simply explode. It is not external pressure that destroys them, it is the absence of pressure.

Rinali Furusato had been raised in her own dark trench, had lived in her own atmosphere of high pressure. Her father had been an executive for the Affiliation, away from home for long stretches of time, a caricature type-A overachiever. He drove his only child as furiously and unforgivingly as he drove himself. The bedtime stories he told Rinali in her early years terrified the girl. This was not surprising, as terror was exactly the emotion Hideki Furusato meant to awaken in the girl’s breast. These tales concerned themselves, for the most part, with a race of monstrous Pokemon called Sin. Soul-scrapers.

They were monsters that could change into people, lovely beings that seduced their victims with grace and charisma and a beautiful disposition while all the time scraping and sucking them dry of their very soul, leaving behind empty husks, as so described in his father’s dark words.

Their job, their mission in life (in the world of Hideki Furusato, everything had a job, everything had serious work to do) was to prey on lazy, time-wasting children. By the time she was seven, Rinali had become a dedicated type-A overachiever, just like Daddy. She had made up her mind: the soul-scrapers were never going to get her.

A report card which did not contain all A’s was an unacceptable report card. An A-minus was the subject of a lecture fraught with dire warnings of what life would be like working at a *****house or emptying garage cans, and a B resulted in punishment-most commonly confinement to her room for a week. During that week, Rinali was only allowed out for school and meals. There was no time off for good behavior. On the other hand, extraordinary achievement warranted no corresponding praise. When Rinali showed her father the academic achievement medal which had been awarded to her in front of the entire student body, her father glanced at it, grunted, and went back to his newspaper. Rinali was ten when her father died under mysterious circumstances possibly interrelated to the Affiliation, the corporation for which her father had devoted his life to. She was actually sort of relieved when her father’s coffin had been lowered into the ground.

Her mother was an alcoholic whose drinking had been controlled only by her fear of the man she had married. Once Hideki Furusato was safely in the ground, where he could no longer search out her bottles and break them, or slap her and tell her to get hold of herself, for God’s sake, Haruka Furusato began her life’s work in earnest. She alternately smothered her daughter with affection or froze her with rejection depending on how much gin was currently perking through her bloodstream. Her behavior was often odd and sometimes bizarre. On the day Rinali turned eleven, she placed a wooden kitchen match between two of Rinali’s toes, lit it, and sang “Happy Birthday to You” while it burned slowly down towards her flesh. She told her that if she tried to shake or kick it loose, she would take her to THE ORPHAN’S HOME at once. The threat of THE ORPHAN’S HOME was a frequent one when Haruka Furusato was loaded. “I ought to, anyway,” she told Rinali as she lit the match which stuck up between her weeping daughter’s toes like a skinny birthday candle. “You’re just like your father. He didn’t know how to have fun, and neither did you. You’re a bore, Rinali-rinny.” She finished the song and blew out the match before the skin of Rinali’s second and third toes were more than singed, but Rinali never forgot the yellow flame, the curling, blackening stick of wood, and the growing heat as her mother warbled “Happy birthday, dear Rinali-rinny, happy birthday to yooooooou” in her droning, off-key drunk’s voice.

Pressure.

Pressure in the trenches.

Rinali Furusato continued to get all A’s, and she continued to spend a lot of time in her room. She graduated from junior high, and moved out at the tender age of thirteen to live at Sakihime Academy. Rinali also had a mission…to discover the exact reasons behind her father’s death and how the Affiliation was tied in with it. Rinali did not seek revenge. She only sought knowledge. All her life, she had been hungry for knowledge. She mindlessly devoured any possible information on the Affiliation she could get her hands upon. And yet more pressure was exerted upon her as the years rolled past and still she did not meet her Bonded. It was unheard of! A human with no Bonded? Surely she must be broken. Surely there must be something wrong with her. Alone in a cold and uncaring world, Rinali desperately sought answers.

That was when she met Zeffy.

xXSaberXx
18th September 2005, 8:08 PM
O_O omfg......

I love you.

And I love this.

Psycho furiously stamped up and down on the floor, then rapidly threw himself into motion, furiously running around in small, tight circles.

HAHA! Creates such a funny image in my mind!

And DID YOU DRAW THOSE? O_o I mean like, the pic in your banner and the title page?

O_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wow, just...wow. The description of Zeffy leads me to believe she was a soul scrapper. O_o But....neh. I also felt so sorry for Rinali, and the way her mother gave her a 'happy birthday' made me want to cry.

Seriously. I love Psycho. In general, I just love him. x3 *huggles Pyscho plushie*

Great description, and the sadness and comparsion of Gorebyss and Huntail O_o and Clampearl and Relincanth (I THINK....o-o) To Rinali was just great. Bittersweet.

*one billion thumbs up*

*gives beer*

Good-o job-o!

Kaizer
18th September 2005, 8:15 PM
Wow. That was amazing. Everything flowed flawlessly and I could only find a single mistake, which I'll get too later. Everything about it caught my attention and kept me reading. I even got the title: while it has the literal meaning, life is also like a stack of cards. It's random and you never know what's going to happen next, but the cards are always there and you can always look at your memories.
--That may be wrong, but that's what I think the title means...
I still can't believe that this was once Were. I also don't think I'll miss reading it over this. You've done an amazing job here and you better finish this one.

That was when she broke, in heart and sprit.

and spirit.

That's the mistake I found. Sorry if this review was bad in any way, but I'll reply again next chapter.
;245;

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 8:29 PM
Saber: Psycho was in fact inspired by you and your fanficiton. Consider him my tribute to you! XD Don't you just LOVE him? The backgrounds are from a free image site, but I changed and distorted them a lot. Only Zeffy belongs to me-I drew her, then did her in watercolor and ran her through Photoshop and a scanner. Took me a LONG time. x_x

Kaizer: OMG. You got it right. You figured the title out. o.o;;; Jeez, you're good. And thanks for finding that silly typo...hehe, Sprite. XD But anyways, I'm still glad you loved it better than Were.

indigestible_wad
18th September 2005, 8:33 PM
It is amazing where you get all your ideas for different things. You use so many outside sources in your stories. Yin and yang, magic cards, something else that I can't remember. If you added anything more to your stories it might as well be a crossover.

Description: perfect. Grammar: perfect. Characterization: perfect. I seem to remember you using Zeffy as a drunken idiot before once.

But I now know why you have that banner and what sin has to do with it. Beautiful being that suck the life out of you. Probably got that idea from succubus, didn't you?

Sike Saner
18th September 2005, 9:22 PM
That chapter was both lovely and fascinating. You have gotten me curious as hell about those cards with the descriptions of just a couple of them - now I want to see the whole deck! Then, there's Psycho...Blood and black feathers, I just love Psycho to death.

And that picture! *withers in awe of the fantastic image*

Wondrous Sableye
18th September 2005, 10:06 PM
Eee! New chap.

Just found a few problems not pointed out by the others, Scrap.

1. A butcher bird is another name for the bird called a shrike, not a shriek.

2.
PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY HUNGRY WANTFOODFOODFOOODNOW NOW NOW!That third 'FOOD' should only have two 'O's.

3. 'Light dun brown' is an oxymoron. 'Dun' means dark, and so for something to be 'light dun brown' would mean that it was just plain brown.

4.
OUSAZFWSAAYF: Official Underground Sakihime Academy Zeffy Fujihara We-Shall-Always-Adore-You Fanclub. Shouldn't the abbreviation end with a 'C' for fan club?

I'm positively loving Psycho's antics. Lovin' 'em. He's very aptly named. XD

Thank you for the notification, fellow semi-reviewer hobo. *bows* :D

Kiyohime
18th September 2005, 10:12 PM
Wad: My creativity went a bit overboard for this story. XD

Sike Saner: Another Psycho fan, eh? ^^ Thank you.

Sableye: Shriek's name is Shriek. :P As in screaming and screeching really loud. AND it's a pun on Shrike. XD Thank you for pointing out all those corrections! ^^; I seriously thought dun meant light. o.o;; *smacks her forehead*

Wondrous Sableye
18th September 2005, 10:28 PM
Ack. *whacks head against desk* XD Whoops. The term 'butcher bird' just kinda made me automatically think there was a mistake with the name. XD

XD Yeah, I used to write some poems, a lot of which frequently required looking up synonyms for 'dark,' and, lo and behold, 'dun' was one of 'em. XD

One thing I forgot to mention, you chose a very unique method of transitioning between flashbacks and the present.

shuffle

Very nice indeed.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
18th September 2005, 11:00 PM
*reads*

OMG! Scrap, this is absolutely unbelievable! I loved every word of it, and I couldn't bring myself to look away. This is absolute perfection at its finest!

I love the cards. We need to see more.

Once again, this is fantastic, and thanks for adding me to the list.

Joshua

Elemental Charizam
18th September 2005, 11:13 PM
Weird, not how I was expecting this to be at all... But it was great, surely original and a different kind of story to any other I have read. I'm loving this, it's good enough so that I don't have to review meanly just because I'vbe read a ton of great novels recently ^_^ That sentence miught not make sense, but who cares.

I loved the shuffling flashbacks; they were each in their own way a work of genius, and suprisingly easy to follow... I'm intrigued, and shall avidly await the next chapter...

P.S I think I prefer Shriek to Psycho, though it's early days yet...
PP.S I also write horror, I just suck at it

Ryano Ra
19th September 2005, 12:13 AM
Psycho is alone. Psycho is unloved. Psycho is sad.

Minutes ticked by as silence fell upon the room once again, broken only by the distant rumbling of another train as it clattered past, engines grinding and causing the room to shake again.

Abruptly, Psycho forgot why he was sad. He remembered he was hungry. Whatever was he doing, lying on the floor? The Paras leapt to all fours.

PSYCHO HUNGRY! BAD HUMANGIRL! BAD BAD SLEEPY!This was definitely one of my favorite parts, partially because you have given me to share my favorite-Pokemon-love with a Paras. I saw that I just laughed until I cried, especially the BAD HUMANGIRL! BAD BAD SLEEPY! part. That was simply original.

So far, I am definitely loving this story. I am already fond of Zeffy, and I'm starting to become attached to Rinali. Both characters were portrayed wonderfully, it now makes me want to include a human or two within a future Fanfiction. (I was planning on making Pokemon stories will only Pokemon, but not anymore). Psycho is such an interesting character that can just stick to you so you'll grow to love him. The Paras acts were classic, and I'm envious of you. Again, spectacular job. I shall patiently await for the second chapter, however far into the future that may be.

Kiyohime
19th September 2005, 1:26 AM
Wondrous, Joshua, Charizam, and Syra: I'm glad you liked the shuffling idea. It was inspired by the concept of Rinali "shuffling" and drawing out her memories at random. ^.^ The next chapter ought to arrive on Friday or Saturday.

Also, I've been fiddling around with the thought of posting drawings and pictures related to the story, but I don't know. o.o;;

Kaizer
19th September 2005, 2:15 AM
Wondrous, Joshua, Charizam, and Syra: I'm glad you liked the shuffling idea. It was inspired by the concept of Rinali "shuffling" and drawing out her memories at random. ^.^ The next chapter ought to arrive on Friday or Saturday.

Also, I've been fiddling around with the thought of posting drawings and pictures related to the story, but I don't know. o.o;;


Yes, I know it's not next chapter, but you must post your drawings. We won't kill you if you do; you'll probably get nothing but praise, but I'm sure after seeing your previous one that you'll get less than positive reactions if you dont *cough*.

On another topic: Yes, I got the title right! I'm probably going to make that a part of my posts for this fic from now on. Who knows, they might start adding up to something...
;245;

Flaming Lip
19th September 2005, 2:36 AM
*Ego and Self-Esteem shatters*

0-0

Amazing, impecible, outstanding, brilliant, -insert other synonyms for amazing-

That just blew away any confidence I had in writing... great job.

I will give you an indepth review come next chapter, put me on your contact list and get me some duck tape for my ego!

jirachiman876
19th September 2005, 2:59 AM
great chappie scrap. Took me almost all night to read this. Stipud interuptions. Twas a great chap. Great description in there. Put some comedy and seriousness in there. Kinda wierd that a drunk mother would light a match between their own childs toes. Crazy parents. Well *subscribes* So I can read teh chappie in e-mail. Keep PMing, and it would be a nice relaxation to get a chappie on teh weekends, I have no life anymore. I want some pics.
jirachiman out ;385;

Ryano Ra
19th September 2005, 3:11 AM
Also, I've been fiddling around with the thought of posting drawings and pictures related to the story, but I don't know. o.o;;I'd be honored to look over such horrifying pieces of artwork from you, for you are such a great artist. The picture of Zeffy seems very malicious and delicious, and she's rather attractive for a novel character. ^.^ Also, I did enjoy the 'book cover', although I thought it would be blood and stuff. Ah well, it was nevertheless great artwork.

Now I must start predicting what is going to go on in the second chapter, for I feel as another character will be introduced. I have strange feelings sometimes, so please mind me. Just one question; since you are so-called 'heavily revising' Blood and Honey into this work, will there be a relationship seeking within the Fanfiction like before?

Kiyohime
19th September 2005, 3:20 AM
To answer Ryano's question....you'll just have to find out for yourself. It may not be the answer you wanted...or even the answer you expected. *winks*

And Nights, you're on the list now. ^.^

Ryano Ra
19th September 2005, 1:23 PM
That doesn't sound to easy at all, but I'll just have to see what other characters shall exist within the Fanfiction. Now looking at the picture of Zeffy in your signature, she actually does resemble features of a manga character or an anime character.

Well, good luck with the chapter you are working on.

SnoringFrog
20th September 2005, 1:10 AM
Great fic so far, Scrap. Not at all what I expected it too be.

Infinite Master Sceptile
21st September 2005, 1:02 AM
Perfectly disturbing. Zeffy seems dangerous and somehow evil. I don't like her. I don't like popular people in general, but there's just something not right about her. Rinali seems very insane. Is Psycho hers?

Kiyohime
21st September 2005, 1:47 AM
I'm glad you don't like Zeffy, because it makes it more interesing, seeing your reactions to her future actions. ^^ in fact, you may QUITE enjoy the next chapter...buahahaha.

Quackerdrill
23rd September 2005, 3:32 AM
Mmm. The oh-so-sweet taste of brilliance. This is a very interesting piece- and probably one of the most interesting fics I've read character-wise. Seriously. Zeffy's character is amazingly well thought out. She is like an enigma; one moment she is kind and helpful, another she is joking and coarse, and still another she is lifeless... whoa. And this is only the first chapter. I can see why people would either love or hate her as a person... but as a literary character, she is extremly interesting- and thus, me likey.

BUT anyways, this fic was quite a read. The beginning (with the pre-prologue) began slightly cliched- how many fics start with the history of the world? Peh. But you made it interesting with the suggestion of likening them to worldwide renewal, or "the timeless cycle of death and rebirth".

The prologue definitely helped set the tone; this Great Apocalypse seems to be the perfect example of the aforementioned cycle... and possible theme of the whole thing? Hm....

The chapter was very striking overall. The transitions by use of "shuffle" are unique- heck, any transition like this would be unique. Probably the most cool moment was that segment where you used a poetic (every other paragraph... I guess it could be called poetic) kind of rythym explaining about Skarmory's symbolisim... whatever that is to be revealed as in the future. But one line brought many things into question:

Yet I long for a human of my own... to cherish and love and protect...A human of its own... but who is this mysterious narrator? And why is the point of view changed later on? Is it because of the change to her recalling prior events? Am I missing something big? Hm. Using Orre as the region is probably a good choice, as I am getting tired of Kanto and Hoenn fics! This "association"- perfectly mysterious. Erasing the chapter... Rinali's father... hm. (This is making me think too much. Xd) Speaking of her parents, a little gripe I had: Why can't parents in fics be supportive and less... morbid? Oh well. More of my opinion- I felt that Psycho was rather uninteresting compared to the rest of the story. Sure he was worth it for the comic reflief, but I didn't feel it was quite necessary... who knows, I could be missing a plot point by dismissing his importance, but can't see that now. also- I noticed a connection between the cards and the prologue; could the subject of bones and sin have this likeness? If it does, these cards would have much more meaning. And at last, I loved the at first odd reference to Water Pokemon and their trenching nature- but right when you connected it to Rinali, the brilliance settled in.

Finally, mistakes: I actually found some. I feel proud.

*The use of "verb" in the first sentence may have been better referred to as "word"... it sounds vaguely like a lazy placeholder for something better (although I presume that you are not a lazy author!).


Each final "bump!" was followed by a little skipping leap until the heat made everything swim and she collapsed, half fainting, her taxed heart thundering crazily in her arid chest.*This is a run-on. I suppose, since you are more experienced than me, that this was placed for dramatic tension... but I pointed it out nonetheless.

*There were a few places where it sounded like the word choice was slightly repetitive:


I enjoyed doing this, because my eyes wandered across the cards, they whispered memories of a forgotten time. I shuffled the cards and stared out into space as I recalled the memories. Memories is the subject here; the second instance could probably be replaced with "them".

*I noticed something kinda iffy- you used the word futuristic to describe the city. Why this bugs me is because the word is very rarely used when reffering to the present... kinda falls to be meaningless. IMO.


"Ssssss!" The indignant hiss was closer now.*I dunno, but indignant was probably not the best word choice here...

I don't know if there are more, but I'll stop before I make this any more horrifically long!

Bottom line- Great author. Great Fic. 'Nuff said. XD (I apologize for ranting so much- I couldn't stop! I guess that's the result of reading a great work.)

Kiyohime
23rd September 2005, 5:32 AM
WOAH. O_O

WOW.

That was a incredible review, Quackerdrill. Thank you so, so much for taking all that time to type out the review. ^.^ *hugs and hands you a blood lolly*

Cliches make readers cringe, but if the history is original and well-written...I think I managed to pull that one off. XD It was neccessary to the story, so it's a helpful cliche. <<;; >> ^^;

And I'm very pleased that you liked my usage of 'shuffle'...it got a lot of good reactions from readers which was fantastic.

You're also right about the run-on sentence. I did that too with the "the desert was the apotheosis of all deserts" line. In formal grammar, it's incorrect, but you're right...dramatic tension. X0

Anyways...SANKYOO. X)

Kiyohime
24th September 2005, 5:22 PM
Chapter 2

The Lady of Shadows

”Among the myriad of marvels in the modern world, the most miraculous of them all is the system of Bonding. The deepest, most intense connection of mind, body and soul between a human and a Pokemon, the Bonded are renowned for their ability to share their minds as one when needed, and work together as a smooth, flawless unit to accomplish whatever tasks lie before them. More often than not, the species of a Bonded Pokemon reflects the inner spirit of the Bonded human. A human can only ever have one Bonded. The act of Bonding itself is not simple. There are levels and degrees of Bonding, and it is only at the final and ultimate level of Bonding that a human and a pokemon can truly become and operate as one, despite having separate bodies and minds. This special bond reminds mankind of their duty to live alongside Pokemon in peaceful harmony and treat them as equals, and kin. Humans generally meet their Bonded between the ages of five and sixteen, but not every human is destined to meet and form a Bond. The chances of getting a Bonded is all determined by the Doublet System, a spiritual system set down by the Gods for the New Civillization. The intense connection between two Bonded can reach terrifying depths. It is said that no matter how far away, no matter where, a Bonded Pokemon always comes to its partner whenever its partner is in dire need or danger. The Pokemon protects its Bonded with savage ferocity and wild abandon, going as far as to sacrifice its life. However, Bonding has its dark side. One of the primary laws of the Doublet System decrees that at the highest and final level of Bonding, pain and suffering are no longer divided by separate minds and bodies. When one dies, the other dies also. Such is the terrifying power of the Doublet System. ”
-Unity: The Complete Study of The Doublet System

Rinali was thirteen and alone, a stranger in a strange land. It was exacerbated by the fact that she had yet to meet a Bonded to offer her support and companionship.

Sakihime Academy was the most prestigious academy in the whole of Eden, and offered the highest education available to its students. All of its classes were in one way or another related to the world of Pokemon. History, mythology, taxonomy, biology, the structuring of elements and Pokemon’s unique control over them, battling techniques, Pokemon care, and hundreds more. Sakihime Academy groomed its students to become experts in a career specially attuned to the Pokemon world. Its students became Pokemon nurses, breeders, battlers, coordinators, and so on. Students who attended Sakihime Academy were guaranteed a future. They entered the school when they were thirteen, and left at eighteen with a bright future and a clear-cut career path.

Rinali endured the first year of Sakihime Academy silently and alone. She made no friends, as she had no desire to socialize. She loathed the suffocating, mindless chatter of the other students, and even more so having to live in the school dormitories. The constant chatter and clattering grated on Rinali’s nerves, as she was a creature of solitude. The days when she had lived shut off from other people in her own bedroom were long gone, lost in a haze of faint memories.

When Rinali was fourteen, she had discovered a possible lead for information on the Affiliation. She had been greatly excited and eager to jump at this precious chance…not knowing the unforeseeable consequences it would soon bring down on her.

Rinali stood alone in an alleyway between two buildings, leaning wearily against the grime-stained grey bricks, eyes watering from the feral fervor of smog that pervaded the hazy, seedy section of downtown Eden. Somewhere above her, an electric buzz hummed steadily, produced by the flickering neon sign hanging from the side of the wall. It read LIQUOR. The skies were darkening in the blue depths of dusk with a faintly fading orange haze on the horizon.

A slight wooziness began to sink around the edges of her senses. She could feel her body counting down the seconds as the moment drew nearer and nearer. Her eyes were heavy with fatigue; it had been a long and arduous day.

At last, the informant appeared. Rinali immediately knew it was him; his baseball hat hid his face in shadow but his stained and yellow grin was visible.

“So?” he asked, dropping a hand to her waist.

This was her test, a test of dedication and determination. Her hands shook, her ragged breathing following the irregular pattern of her heartbeat. Cold sweat seeped from her hairline, hot chills haunting down her spine. The hand around her waist groped with promised intensity.

Rinali moistened her lips. This was a moment she had been waiting for too long-

“My, what a coincidence,” came a third voice. In the years that were to follow, Rinali would grow to know that voice very well, and the smiles that came freely offered with it. She would also learn of the deadly dagger hidden beneath that easy, sweet smile.

The sudden intrusion kicked Rinali’s reflexes, and she twisted around in alarm and sudden shame. Still dressed in full uniform, the newcomer girl looked utterly out of place within the dingy filthiness of the alleyway. Her probing eyes found Rinali, who stood staring at her, stupefied. Rinali’s tongue felt like lead in the sudden dryness of her mouth.

The newcomer was dressed in the attire of a Sakihime Academy student, and Rinali recognized her as Zeffy Fujihara, a student two years her senior, although Rinali had never spoken to the older girl.

Zeffy was Student Council President of Sakihime Academy, and so was extremely popular and well known amongst the academy, in part because of her classic beauty merged with her eccentric, exotic style. Her shoulder-length pastel pink hair was how Rinali had been able to identify her; nobody else had hair like that at Sakihime Academy. It was shot through with vivid streaks of red and orange, creating a fiery effect that blazed against the darkness of the alleyway and the fluorescent glare of the neon sign.

“Friend of yours?” the informant mumbled in his deep, raspy voice. “She gonna join us?” The words rolled out of his mouth heavy and slurred.

“No!”

The denial in her voice echoed so loudly in the alleyway that it surprised her. Even though the baseball cap was covering half of the man’s face, it was obvious as to where the stranger was looking. She remembered the way his eyes had run over her own body with undisguised hunger. It sickened her to even think about it touching another human being.

“Get out of here, Fujihara! This has nothing to do with you.” Words never came to Rinali easily, and with panic screaming up and down her spine, these were the best she could come up with.

The older girl merely smiled. Eyes that were narrowed by just that tiny fraction exuded cool, controlled clarity.

“I do believe it would be in your best interest to step away from the girl,” Zeffy replied, menace resonating deep in her words.

The man had lost his voice under Zeffy’s cold, omniscient gaze. The smile widened with just a small quirk of the left corner. This slight change caused Rinali’s heart to beat even more quickly. She had never noticed it before but instead of a faded blue, Zeffy Fujihara’s eyes were actually a bloody red. They seemed to be leaping out from the shadows, blazing and thriving on the darkness that surrounded them. They first skimmed over Rinali, then finally settled upon the man beside her.

“You pitiful man,” said Zeffy, her voice gentle yet cold. “A failure at work, a failure in life, friends and family having long abandoned your incompetent self. Having nothing better to do, you drink your life away, even sinking so low as to cheating young girls of their money and their hopes.”

The clear insult got its desired effect. The man was now spewing a string of threats, swaying a couple of steps as he swung his fists. Rinali pulled him back by the arm, yelling for the other girl to leave.

Zeffy Fujihara simply ignored them both, calmly reaching into her left jacket pocket as the man continued to exhaust his empty words. From its shallow depths, she extracted a small wad of cash, neatly folded into halves. She casually fanned the money out like a hand of poker until the five ten thousand bills were clearly displayed in plain view. The man trailed off into silence, his voice lapsing and faltering as his eyes widened.

“Fifty thousand and it’ll be all yours if you leave now.”

Rinali and the man both stared in complete silence. The sheer amount and simplicity of the offer left its beholders stunned in disbelief. The only thing that kept the man from reaping the incentive was the little bit of pride left in his corroded mind and body. This intruder had just offered to buy his dignity.

“Don’t worry. I’ll give you time to think. But for every five seconds that you stay, I’ll take one of these away,” Zeffy said, her voice even and light. Rinali noted the smile that was playing upon the older girl’s face but under the dim light, it took on a whole new meaning.

“Five.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“One.”

As promised, Zeffy plucked a bill away and gently tucked it back into her left pocket. The man’s eyes followed the single fluid movement, his entire body twitching with conflict and indecision.

“Your chance to start over,” she added before the start of the second countdown.

Before Zeffy even started to count, the man had rushed forward with a sudden fervor, finally breaking under the psychological loss of ten thousand and the promise of a whole new life. The money was quickly snatched away from Zeffy’s hand. With his head bowed low so that the baseball cap covered his entire face, he rushed past his former potential victim.

Rinali immediately twisted around to follow the hunched, stumbling body but was stopped by the older girl’s firm grip around her arm. She immediately shook off the physical contact, reeling with the hot, blazing anger that had erupted within her chest.

“You’ve ruined everything!” she screamed at Zeffy. “Let go!”

An expression of hurt washed away the concerned look, and those fine eyebrows dipped in worry, which only irritated Rinali further. She turned to stare directly into Fujihara’s face, spitting her words out through clenched teeth. Humiliation and anger fought behind her hot, burning eyes.

“You don’t even know me. What are you even doing here? Why did you interfere?”

“This man does not have what you want,” Zeffy stated, drilling her logic with rational calm into the younger girl’s stubbornness. “A true person of resource would never be intoxicated in front of his clients. The fact that he took an amount that wasn’t even a tenth of his original request should be proof enough. Did he even give verification of his source or a sample of the information?”

There was a pause as the older girl waited for the response that she knew would never come.

“And most importantly, his personal hygiene was beyond appalling. There’s a world of difference between pretending to be some street garbage and real street garbage. Furthermore--”

“I know what I’m doing,” Rinali interjected.

“No, you don’t.” came the quick comeback. “This man does not have what you want and yet you were going to pursue him. Even if he does, how do you know for certain that he’s going to give you what you want after? How do you know if it’s even going to be worth it?”

The words pelted her like a blizzard of hailstones. Every fact stung with harsh truth, puncturing her defenses mercilessly like a storm of soldiers. However, to acknowledge them would mean defeat. Something she could never accept.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” was her quiet answer.

“Risks are taken for the certain value that it has to offer. They are not acted upon with irrational emotions.”

“I don’t care. There’s something that I must do and I’ll do anything to achieve it.”

“Don’t say “anything” so easily.”

Spoken in deep melodic tones, the command vibrated with authority. The voice reached out and unwound its liquid control like a boa constrictor before its prey. Rinali found herself listening in awe and fear.

“I do not know what it is that you’re trying to accomplish but what is there to celebrate when you’ve sunken so low to achieve it?”

The older girl paused before she continued.

“You’re thinking… just this once. This very once and it’ll be over. No more. But it’ll only be the beginning. The once justifies the twice. There’ll be a third time, a fourth, a fifth…then suddenly, it won’t matter anymore. You know what that would make you?”

Even though it was a question, Rinali found her voice frozen and disabled. The deep red in those eyes held her in thrall, ravaging her defenses and leaving her bare. They spoke with intensity and unspeakable consequences. She could feel her entire body shaking under pure power and domination.

“Some sort of inhuman beast capable of all atrocities… And by the time you realized it, it would be too late.”

Zeffy’s voice ended with a whisper. A train passed by overhead, its headlights filling the dark alleyway with a flood of light. When it was gone, the angry red in those eyes had also left.

“I have to do this. Someone like you can never understand. Why are you even helping me?” Rinali snarled, fury sharpening and loosening her tongue. Something snapped inside her, and renewed anger burned its way through her tired body. “You think you’re better than everybody else. You think you have everyone wrapped around your fingers. I know what you’re thinking. You pity me, don’t you?”

There it was. The main reason as to why she hated this girl. Why she hated Zeffy Fujihara, the ever-smiling, ever-present, ever-irritating, ever-popular President of the Student Council of Sakihime Academy.

“No, I don’t. I’m doing this because I don’t want to see you hurt. I care about you.”

“Sure,” Rinali scoffed. The soft calmness in Zeffy’s voice only served to fuel her blind anger. How she wished her mouth would just stop.

“I loathe people like you, pretending that you care when you’re just laughing behind my back. Run back to your rich daddy and your little popular crowd where you belong. This is my choice to make, not yours!”

Rinali could feel herself breathing again. Through her words, she had poured out her anger, frustration and utter helplessness into them. It was the only thing she could do, shouting senseless noise to disguise the confusion tearing her apart inside. Why would Zeffy even want to help her, anyway?

The other girl closed her eyes as if in quiet reflection. Rinali could hear her own ragged breathing huffing into the silence. The continuous buzzing of the neon sign was the only other sound, filling jagged spaces within the silence.

“You’re right. Please excuse me for overstepping my bounds,” Zeffy said with a soft politeness. She wasn’t smiling.

The older girl stood up and stepped back.

“Just remember that whatever happens to you, people do care.”

The student council president curved forward in a gentle bow.

“Goodbye.”

She was gone within a matter of seconds. Rinali’s head dropped down, and this time the tears came, leaving behind hot, salty tracks on her cheeks.


++++++

A mistake.

Follow the flow of the river and navigate with the least resistance. Such was her philosophy, having long learned the consequences of doing the opposite. Tonight had been an exception.

She could have easily pulled the man aside for a little chat, paving the way for a compliant exit for all.

However, seeing his hand around Rinali’s waist, the way his filthy body slid up against the younger girl completely changed the plan. She was so scared that once she left, the man would come back for the girl. She hadn’t felt the control of savage power in a long time, utterly humiliating and degrading that man as she bent him to her will. Broken in already by the harshness of reality, she played with the man’s cowardice and weakness with a sudden thirst for revenge. It was unnecessary, sadistic, cruel and very satisfying. And all it took was one antisocial and stubborn teenager to bring that part of her buried self back in full force.

“What are you doing to me…?”

The whisper floated unanswered into the silence.

For the first time in her life, Zeffy didn’t know what she was doing. For once, she wanted to protect instead of destroy. She was hooked after just a glimpse at the utter innocence and gentleness hidden beneath the layers of loneliness and hurt. Never had she seen anything so pure, its presence reaching out to revive her dead, black heart.


++++++

Rinali didn’t know how long it took, but her tears finally stopped. Complete silence settled into the darkness. Even the neon lights had been switched off by now, her singular presence more apparent than ever.

Never had she felt so tired. Fatigue, that she had ignored and accumulated over what felt like years, presented itself in all of its full glory, latching onto every fiber of her vacant being. With leaden steps, she trudged out the alley into the streets. The openness was like an endless void, sucking her into nowhere. Just as she turned the corner, the arduous weight pulling her body down disappeared in a jolt of shock.

There she was, the annoying older girl, standing by the sidewalk, the dull pink sunrise outlining her figure. Her skirt was ruffled without its usual primped perfection. The pure white of her blouse was crinkled with dull rust-colored spots on the sleeves. Even that glossy, colorfully streaked hair was out of its usual neat arrangement.

What Rinali noticed the most was that smile she had seen time and time again, now offered to her without judgment or disappointment. A swell of warmth, something she hadn’t felt in a long time, swept through her.

“Hey,” came the greeting. For the first time, Rinali noted its soothing and gentle texture. A lump gathered in her throat, a collision of words and thoughts rampaging through her exhausted mind. There were so many things she wanted to say yet none of them left her when she opened her mouth, fear trapping them tight in her chest. This was the only way she knew how to handle her emotions. A look into those exotic eyes, however, and Rinali knew she didn’t need to say anything.

“The trains don’t operate at four in the morning,” shrugged the older girl casually. “I’m waiting for my bonded to come pick me up.”

Rinali glanced away, mumbling the best reply she could come up with.

“I’m…sorry.”

“That wouldn’t happen to cover four thousand by any chance, would it?”

A habitual glare shot from the younger girl’s grey eyes.

“Just kidding,” Zeffy smiled, her eyes dancing with mischief.

RInali tried to retain her fierce glower but knew she was failing miserably. She didn’t really know how to react. It had been too long since someone had joked with her.

“It’s still a little early, but would you accept an invitation for a hot breakfast? My treat.”

Even Rinali herself was surprised by the tentative softness in her usually gruff and deepened voice. “Sure.”

The smile on Zeffy Fujihara’s face widened, and even though she couldn’t return it at the moment, Rinali somehow felt that someday, she just might be able to.


++++++

One year later…

"Move in." Rinali had gaped at her.

"Move in," she repeated.

By the fifth time she'd said that, standing there dumbfounded and earning the two quite a few stares, Zeffy decided it was time to intervene.

"Yes, move in with me,” Zeffy said smoothly. “I think it would be best for the two of us.”

Rinali was fifteen and Zeffy was seventeen. A full year had come and went since the night they’d met.

“Move in…with you.” Rinali still hadn’t snapped out of her shock. Zeffy cheerfully returned the waves of a passing group of OUSAZFWSAAYF fangirls and turned back to Rinali.

“Think about it. I live alone in an apartment designed for more than one person, and it’s costing me more money than it would if two people lived in it.”

Rinali blinked as she tried to work out the older girl’s last phrase, but Zeffy continued talking smoothly.

“And besides, you’ve told me time and time again how you loathe living in the school dormitories with the other students. You’re always coming over to my apartment to study in silence.”

Rinali nodded grudgingly, shuddering as she thought of the gaggle of constantly shrieking schoolgirls at the dorms.

“We’ll have to share the bathroom as there’s only one, but I can provide you with your own small study for doing assignments. You’ll be able to study in total, uninterrupted silence every night. I can provide books for you to read, food for us to eat. My apartment is in the New Phenac district, but it’s only a ten minutes’ drive away on my Yamaha. I can provide all the transportation you need. You get unlimited privacy and quiet. How does that sound?”

“Um…I don’t know.” Rinali bit her lip as she turned the offer around in her mind.

Mentally, Zeffy was banging her head against a mental wall. She was afraid of what Rinali’s reaction might be. Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea after all. She nervously watched Rinali’s face, but couldn’t detect anything in it that might have revealed the girl’s thoughts.

When Zeffy couldn’t stand the silence any longer, she broke it.

“I understand if you wish to decline my offer,” Zeffy said softly, turning to leave. Rinali glanced up sharply, her glasses flashing with reflected sunlight.

“Oi!”

Zeffy stopped and glanced back at Rinali. The younger girl was smiling, and Zeffy blinked in surprise. Rarely did her oft-sullen young friend smile.

“I do have a huge essay to do tonight on Shedinja morphology, and I know I’ll never get it done properly if I have to be stuck in the dorms again tonight.”

A huge grin broke over Zeffy’s face, as she struggled to keep a restrained, calm expression. Suddenly, her eyes lit up.

“Ah, there’s something I’ve forgotten to tell you. I got a little surprise for you, since your birthday is next week. Yesterday, I purchased a Paras egg, and when it hatches, we’ll have a new pet for the apartment. They’re supposed to be a good guard against intruders, because of their ability to spray spores that induce paralysis and other status-inducing effects. You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

Zeffy covered her mouth with a hand to muffle her laughter at Rinali’s slowly growing expression of abject horror.

It had been a lovely day, warm and hazy. The days in Orre were always warm, the skies always clear and blue. It was never foggy or overcast in Eden.


shuffle

I blinked, smiling slightly. There were times when Zeffy made me uneasy, but all the things she had done selflessly for me…I couldn’t forget that. Still…the anger and betrayal when she left continued to scrape at my heart. If she ever came back…would I be able to forgive her?

Wondrous Sableye
24th September 2005, 5:36 PM
Heh, not bad. Some things in there that seemed like gramatical mistakes('boa snake', for example), but after the 'Shriek' thing, I'm not sure. XD

Shedinja morphology, eh? Sounds cool. XD

Very nice tone for this chapter, as well. Good job, Scrap. =D *gives beer* XD

Kiyohime
24th September 2005, 5:53 PM
No, wait...you're right. o.o It's "boa constrictor," not "boa snake". XD

*runs to change that*

I always imagine doing an essay on Shedinja morphology woukd be fun.

"...and this husk has the capability to EAT YOUR SOUL should you be stupid enough to stick your head into the opening in its back..."

Sike Saner
24th September 2005, 6:23 PM
the suffocating, mindless chatter of the other students

…If I didn’t know better, I'd swear you had been to our local library…


Spoken in deep melodic tones, the command vibrated with authority. The voice reached out and unwound its liquid control like a boa snake before its prey.

Ooh, yum. You know...I read that, and automatically, I found my mind applying this description to Alan Rickman’s voice…


Never had she seen anything so pure, its presence reaching out to revive her dead, black heart.

And that's just something that sounds really ****ing great when you read it aloud. Seriously.


Ah. I must tell you that what we experienced in that chapter was just a severely tasty level of description...I found it even more satisfying than your usual (HIGH) standard. Yum. And damn, that is some excellent character development. Just...damn. Let no one ever accuse you of being unable to wield the human psyche. ^_^ And again, I say YUM.

...And now I wish I could study Shedinja morphology...*grumble*

xXSaberXx
24th September 2005, 8:35 PM
LYKEOMFGTHISWASTEHBEST!111oneseven.

I really liked when Zeffy was like, YO TAKE THE MONEY FOO'! xD Seriously, I have this HUGEEEEEEE feeling she's a you know what. O_o

Overall, awesome chapter. It really potrayed how different Rinali was then, and is now. Kudos! Kudos!

:3 *pets Pyscho*

Ryano Ra
24th September 2005, 8:59 PM
I deeply agree with Saber. The past chronicle-like chapter about Rinali really gave me an insight on her past and how she is now, which was an overexceeding bonus. Overall, it was a voyage-like chapter, basically telling about the voyage (chronicles, history) about Rinali, and I loved it. I love these types of chapter, it really gives a true insight on a specific character, and I'm honestly believing that Rinali is an evil girl. At first, I was getting the vibe from Zeffy, but that has transferred to Rinali. Poor Rinali.

Again, wonderful chapter. Great length, fantastic description, and a beautiful history. I'd like to see more of these chapters around Fanfictions. ^.^

Elemental Charizam
24th September 2005, 9:12 PM
*Makes scraping sounds next to Zeffy* Scrapeeee.....

But that's just my theory, which might well be wrong, like last time XD I guess I'm like Aan on QI, I keep falling for the red herrings...

I any case, it was a great piece of writing, and I'm now deeply intrigued. I guess this is how Psycho came into being, but a question arises. Wasn't Kanto burnt BECAUSEof keeping pokémon as pets? Surely its bad to do so?

indigestible_wad
24th September 2005, 10:00 PM
Nice, real nice. THe only thing I really noticed was you made mistakes with quotations and stuff. You never put a period at the end of a quotation. Then there's the shuffling, I'm not entirely shure why you didn't put one at the beginning.

You're making an interesting choice in giving us the past rather than just telling us the story. I can assume that Rinali gets her bonded at the end, because you probably wouldn't be telling the story otherwise. I can't see any other plot line to the story yet.

Kaizer
25th September 2005, 4:32 PM
I've read this, and I just don't know what to say. I couldn't find any mistakes or anything wrong, or anything that annoyed me other than there not being more. I guess I'll say this chapter title applies to the literalness when both Rinali and Zeffy were in the alleyway there. I guess it has to do with Rinali's hatred too. I don't know, you've got me stumped on this one. I'll reply again next chapter I guess.
;245;

Flaming Lip
26th September 2005, 2:20 AM
RInali tried to retain her fierce glower but knew she was failing miserably.
Only mistake I could find.

Anyway, the chapter was very nice, I feel that it wasn't quiet as good as the last chapter though. I think my biggest bug about this chapter is that the dialouge is a bit formulated. The way Zeffy talks doesn't seem casual. (Then again it isn't nearly as big a problem as it is Eragon, a book I am reading).

But its not that bad.

btw. Sorry I took so long to review. I just bought Sid Meier's Civillization 3, and I am obsessed XD.

Anyway, good job.

jirachiman876
26th September 2005, 7:36 PM
What happened to meh PM??? I check my e-mail and I see you posted a chappie, I look on serebii and I only got a PM from chibi saying she finally got her chappie out. Anyway people have basically siad everything I was. Great chappie scrap.
jirachiman out ;385;

Kiyohime
27th September 2005, 2:50 AM
Sike Saner: Thank you! 8D Tis' a honor to be getting such incredible feedback from you.

Saber: Psycho will get a lot more screen time in later chapters, seeing as he IS based on you. XD

Serpent Syra: Your comment surprised me, pleasantly. You're quite perceptive!

Charizam: *scrapes pieces of metal and whistles innocently* No, it isn't bad to keep Pokemon as pets as long as they're allowed independence and are well-taken care of. The Apocalypse happened because people were mindlessly capturing and using Pokemon...*glares at TV show*

Wad: Don't worry, the plot will develop quite quickly after the fourth chapter. ^^

Kaizer: Good call. The title this time was a tad too obivious. XP

Lip: I thought I'd make Zeffy speak more formally in this one because she is, AFTER ALL, a council president, and she has just met Rinali, plus she's being all menacing and torturing the guy. XD

Jirachiman: I am soo sorry. The PM system was being an *****wipe and would only let me PM five people. -___-;; Next time, you'll get a PM.

SANKYOO ALL! :3

jirachiman876
27th September 2005, 2:54 AM
Actually scrap you can only PM five people at a time with one PM. You can send more after that. Anyway thanx for teh reply and if you can get on AIM.
jirachiman out ;385;

Ryano Ra
27th September 2005, 3:15 AM
Serpent Syra: Your comment surprised me, pleasantly. You're quite perceptive!Thank you for making such a fantastic story bring out the true reviews that I can whip together. :3 I must say, reading what I typed, it actually surprised me. The only greatly-positive reviews I give is for selected stories, including yours and a story called The Trial of Juno. Anyways, I would love to ask so many questions about the characters and such, but I'm very intrigued in wondering if you'll explain how Paras became pathologically insane. That poor, poor Paras. ;_;

*waits for the third chapter*

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
27th September 2005, 3:23 AM
*drools*

Wow. I need to keep reading this Scrap, it seems to inspire this little one-shot I'm working on.

And I'll agree with jirachiman876. I only found this since I physically clicked on the fic. I understand the PMing system is a ***** sometimes, but pwease don't forget me. I love this fic.

Joshua

Quackerdrill
27th September 2005, 5:19 AM
Huttah, I be back. This chapter... interesting. Very different compared to the first, however- this time a mixture between dark and light themes is much more prominent.

Starting from the beginning ('cause that's a very good place to start, ya know XD)- the description of what exactly Bonding is was very helpful... helped me answer some questions form the first chappie... I think. But the whole description kinda fell flat as it was only used for one paragraph:

Rinali was thirteen and alone, a stranger in a strange land. It was exacerbated by the fact that she had yet to meet a Bonded to offer her support and companionship.Although this does work, having the end of the chapter really tie up by mentioning something about this Doublet system would have been more effective instead of ending the relevance abruptly.

It was a very cool touch to have a seedy district in- a city named Eden. I guess every city has its own little slice of heck. When Zeffy came in, you described her again... was it really needed, though? I'm sure the reader would have- oh wait, I seem to have forgotten this is a FANFIC. It's needed for the format! Of course! Peh. Anyways, the entire scene with Zeffy was pure brilliance. She did exactly what she should have from the distinct character lines you have drawn. The whole time I read it I had my mouth agape and kept muttering "this character is brilliant..." I was hyper at the time... I think.

This line just blew me away:

Zeffy's voice ended with a whisper. A train passed by overhead, its headlights filling the dark alleyway with a flood of light. When it was gone, the angry red in those eyes had also left.What a perfect way of showing a change in attitude... using scenery. I would have never thought of that!

When Rinali explained why she hated Zeffy, it seemed to me that it was all very superficial. Then she denies the accusations... any normal person would think twice about these reasons and evaluate the truth in the other's denial- but Rinali still says she hates Zeffy! I assume this means that there is more than the reasons given that explain her feelings... I'll just have to wait.

Then Zeffy's internal conflict is revealed; this adds yet another layer to her personality. It seems as she is unclear whether she wants a peaceful or a violent nature for her life... Does this signify her friendship with Rinali- the way that she is the only thing keeping her from going off the edge? Hm...

Last things... er, last: Mistakes (I assume).


The money was quickly snatched away from Zeffy's hand. With his head bowed low so that the baseball cap covered his entire face, he rushed past his former potential victim.*Former potential... it's kinda redundant. But I would have done the same thing. I see why you put it, but it would have been more subtle if you stuck with just potential.


Rinali was fifteen and Zeffy was seventeen.*Okay, I recall that you said the age of Rinali (as well as stating that Zeffy was "two years her senior") earlier in the story. If the reader already knew this when the transition read "one year later", then... the reader should be smart enough to determine the ages of them currently. So wouldn't the descrption be useless? Bleh. I sound whiny now. XD

Okay, now that I have ranted, I bid you farewell. Maybe next time I'll make this a little more to the point... heh heh...

Kiyohime
28th September 2005, 1:57 AM
I'm so sorry Joshua. <<;; *hides under pebble* It won't happen again. :0

You make excellent points, Quackerdrill. ^^; I worried people wouldn't quite understand why Rinali hated Zeffy...so I'll try to explain best as I can.

Rinali's had a neurotic childhood, so she only knows extreme love, or extreme hate, and she's been just learning how to be social and all that, and she's paranoid and doesn't see why Zeffy wants to have anything to do with her. Plus she's been driving herself nuts looking for information on her father, and Zeffy's an stranger who interfered and so the 'informant" got away, thereby pissing Rinali off.

Rinali's always found Zeffy to be unsettlingly odd, but is still very fond of her because Zeffy gave her what her parents didn't. But then later...you'll find out why Zeffy left, why Rinali's all sad again and so on, yak yak yak. Man, do I sound like a bad soap opera or what? XD

Trust me, things start falling in place the chapter after next. ^^

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 2:19 AM
This is a very short chapter, and the next chapter is also not very long, so I will post the next chapter on Saturday or Sunday. ^^;



Chapter 3

Tainted Pink Petals


With a faint frown, I turned over yet another card.

A city in flames. The blackened skeletons of skyscrapers silhouetted against a raging sky of fire. Something about the flames seemed malevolent, sinister. In the middle of the grisly tableau was a small, ragged and wild-looking girl grasping a lumpy, grimy sack. The girl stared out from within the card at the viewer with crazed eyes.

Innocence Lost.

Zeffy hated that card. She absolutely loathed it, and avoided using it. I remember how she was loath to even look at it, and would quickly exchange it for a different card whenever it came up in one of our games. She treated it like a fetid, rotting carcass. I had always intended to ask, but it kept slipping my mind…and by then, she had left.

Left me…

A cold, sinister memory crept into my mind, wafting through my thoughts like a chill mist. The night Zeffy left. That was the day the skies were clouded over. That was the first day of my third term. The day I met Professor Rashiannou, the master of the God’s Cry Dojo. The sun wasn’t shining. That was the day…the sun went out.

The day Zeffy broke.


shuffle

Rinali walked alone across the vast school grounds as the Realgam clock tower’s deep, mournful chimes announced to the whole of Eden that it was five past one. Rinali glanced at her new schedule, scanning for the next class.

So far, Rinali was rather pleased with this year’s class lineup. The schedule read as followed:

Student: Rinali Furusato
Year: Third Age: Sixteen
Class Lineup:
First-Advanced Pokemon Morphology and Taxonomy (7:00-8:30)
Second-Intermediate Pokemon Grooming and Care (8:30-10:00)
Third-History and Mythology (10:00-11:30)
Fourth- Pokemon Languages Level 2 (11:30-1:00)
Fifth- Advanced Battling Techniques and Strategies (1:00-2:30)

All students were released in the early afternoon to go home and study. All in all, it was a fair schedule. According to Rinali’s schedule, her next class was the last one-Advanced Battling Techniques and Strategies. Rinali loved her Morphology and Taxonomy classes, as well as her History and Mythology classes.

Rinali wasn’t sure what to expect of her next class, but it did seem interesting. After finding the correct classroom, she received a jolt of shock to see who-what the teacher was. As Rinali found a desk at the back of the classroom and slid into the seat, she continued to gape at the teacher, aware that everyone else was doing the same.

The teacher stood up as the last of the class filed in, and cleared her throat. Immediately, the class went quiet. Evidently, everyone was as shocked as Rinali was to see her new professor.

The teacher swept an impassive glance across the room, meeting each of their stunned expressions. She bent slightly; placing two of her arms on her desk while the other remaining two crossed themselves in a fluid gesture.

The professor spoke, and her voice was a gentle, subterranean rumble. It had a heavy, rich accent, but was still understandable enough to the students.

“Greetings, my new class. I see you’re all surprised to see me, so allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is Shiva Rashiannou of the Thunderclap Badlands Machamp Clan, and I am very pleased to meet you all. I operate and run the Gods’ Cry Dojo in the Old Pyrite district, where my colleagues and I teach the martial arts.”

Shiva’s amber eyes swept over the class once again, unsettling in their intelligent gaze. The pupils of her eyes were slit, giving her a catlike stare. Her blunt face was reptilian and elongated, almost exactly like the face of a Machoke. She differed greatly from a usual Machamp in appearance, and it was evident that the class was wondering about this. Shiva’s lipless mouth spread in what might have been a smile.

“I see you are all staring at me. You all seem shocked, although I do not blame you, children. My skin is not gray and I am not muscle-bound. Those are the characteristics of the Highlands Machamp, and they live in the mountains. They have thick muscles from handling boulders and fallen trees, but the Badlands Machamp live in bare and arid deserts, and so our muscles are much less pronounced, but no lesser the stronger. Our hides have adapted to be more reptilian, and we have developed thick claws to break through hardened sand. Our flesh is light brown to blend more easily with our surroundings, and we have also developed thick tails to aid us as we climb Thunderclap’s many mesas and cliff faces.”

To demonstrate, Shiva held out two of her arms as she uncoiled her long, thick tail. Her physique was lean and sinewy, and she did indeed sport fearsome yellow talons upon all four of her arms as well as her feet. Rinali shivered as they flashed in the light, and she thought of the wicked claws wielded by a Zangoose weasel-cat, used to rip and slash into the soft flesh of their prey-

She snapped out of her morbid imaginings as Shiva resumed speaking.

“Many of you also seem surprised that I am able to speak your language. I find this amusing, for do you not yourselves also learn to speak our languages? We can also learn, although most of us do not. But I have learned, for I am needed to teach this class. After all, who can teach the art of fighting better than a Fighting-element Pokemon? My clan is heavily schooled in the fighting arts. It is not all about brute power. It is not about how far we can throw the foe.”

Shiva tapped her swept-back, lizardlike skull. “What truly matters is what lies within. Strategy. Technique. Knowledge. Skill. Endurance. Strength.”

“But you just said strength didn’t matter!” someone blurted out. The boy blushed and looked down as Shiva’s head swiveled around on her long neck to gaze at him.

“You are right, but you are also wrong,” Shiva answered calmly. The boy blinked, puzzled.

“Strength matters, but it is not the single thing that can win your battles. You need strength of the mind, strength of the body, strength of your will. You must attain a balance. Yin and Yang. Be fast. Be strong. Be clever. Know your foe. Know yourself.”

Shiva moved suddenly, in a rapid blur of movement that elicited a gasp from the class. In one fluid movement, Shiva had hefted her desk by one hand and lifted it into the air.

“Do you see this? I was quick, and I was strong. But! Suppose this desk was a Golem, or an Electrode? Do you know why it would be disastrous to pick such a Pokemon up? Can anyone answer that?”

Rinali’s fear of the tall, lean Machamp was overridden by her sudden rush of knowledge, and her arm shot up. Shiva turned her glance on Rinali, and she quailed slightly.

“Yes?”

“Um, um, well, uh, it’s not a good move, because these Pokemon tend to know the Explosion technique, and it’d deal devastating damage to you,” Rinali gabbled, instantly regretting having raised her hand.

Shiva dropped the desk, and the class gasped, recoiling in horror. Two of Shiva’s other arms snaked out, faster than lighting, and stopped the desk within an inch above the floor. As she gently set it upon the floor, the class released a collective exhale.

“You are correct,” Shiva replied quietly. “That is why knowledge matters. However, this is also where strategy matters. If you have a Bonded with the gift of flight, your Bonded could drop the Pokemon from a great height before it exploded. This would result in only the exploder itself getting knocked out by the explosion. Do you see now?”

Shiva smiled and tapped her head again. “We are not all brute force and flying fists. Fighting-element Pokemon must also be quick of feet and of mind, and think, and plan in the midst of battle. I am here to teach you all of my knowledge on battling, and I hope you will enjoy what I have to offer.”


++++++

As the class filed out of the room and dispersed into the halls, they all excitedly talked back and forth in loud voices. Everyone was utterly in awe at the battling prowess of Shiva, and Rinali had to admit she was also kind of impressed by the gentle, quiet power of Professor Rashiannou. Excited chatter rose up on all sides of Rinali.

“--did you see how she--“

“--off the floor like it weighted nothing--“

“--and she caught it so fast it was unbelievable--“

An arm snaked over Rinali's shoulder. Although it was more like it whipping around Rinali's body and slamming her into Zeffy's well-endowed bosom.

"Hi, Rinali!"

Rinali slipped out of Zeffy's grip and grumbled moodily, "Hi, Zeffy." At the almost crestfallen look on Zeffy’s face, though, she lightened up and tried to say jovially, "What's up?"

Quickly she decided the utterly shocked look was even worse, and just settled for her usual greeting.

"What do you want?"

Zeffy relaxed visibly, and chirped, "Nothing but to be with my beloved Rinali, of course!" She waved to a couple of OUSAZFWSAAYF-fanboys who were passing by.

"It's nice to be with you, too." Rinali said, reserved but happy. The chatter of the other students was more easily endured as long as Zeffy was around, because the older girl was a distraction unto herself.

“Did you enjoy your new classes?”

Rinali shrugged. “They seem good, I suppose. I take it you’ll be skipping most of your classes as usual?”

Zeffy was well known for skipping school constantly, but despite her terrible attendance record, she still pulled perfect grades.

“That’d be against school policies,” Zeffy gently refuted in a calm even tone that could rival the most seasoned lawyer. But the grin on her lips declared otherwise.

“Yeah, policies which YOU rewrote.”

“Those changes were unanimously voted upon by the entire council.”

(Sakihime Academy Policies No. 76 section 2.2: Absences must be supported with proper legitimate reasons. A doctor’s note, the headmaster’s signature, the council president’s stamp ( --recently inserted) or other legal documents must be provided, otherwise the infraction shall be noted in the student’s file. Three infractions shall be punished with detention.)

Rinali fought the urge to stick her tongue out and wag it at her friend. She had tried that once, long ago, and had learned to never do it again.

“Rinali, do you know what’s happening tomorrow?”

Rinali blinked, and mentally shuffled through possible dates and occasions. “Not at all, is there something I should be aware of?”

“Of course. Tomorrow’s the monthly Bonding Day at the Eden Plaza Gardens. Since you turned sixteen recently, you’re obligated to attend. You’re getting close to being just too old to meet a Bonded, according to the Affiliation’s regulations. You still have just barely enough time left.”

“What if I don’t want one? Who said I ever needed one?”

Rinali jerked herself away from Zeffy, ignoring her friend’s shocked expression. The reminder of the occasion had incensed her irritation and unexpectedly, had sparked a nerve. Jesus, why did everyone expect her to get a Bonded? What was the big deal?

“Just leave me alone, Zeffy!”

Rinali shoved past the noisy crowds angrily, fighting to get to the exits and blindly ignoring Zeffy’s desperate yells. Once outside and enveloped the haze of the afternoon, Rinali cut across the grass, and rushed headlong into the cherry blossom groves.

It was a good while before she stopped walking and dropped to the ground, leaning back against the cool, comforting trunk of a sakura tree. Her head ached savagely and her eyes burned with unshed tears.

The cherry blossom grove was one of the lush, most beautiful areas of the Sakihime school grounds. It shielded its interior away from the outside world with a dazzling, enchanting intertwined shield of rosy pink petals interlocked by spindly black branches, and held an ever-present ethereal, otherworldly quality to it. Sunlight gently filtered through the rosy foliage, casting dappled light playing across the carpet of blossoms littering the grass.

Soft footsteps crinkled on the fallen petals, and Zeffy settled into a sitting position next to Rinali, but said nothing. Both girls sat in silence as the dappled patterns of light and shadow shifted fluidly across their faces. Rinali blinked away her tears. She didn’t want Zeffy to see them. It was such a childish thing to do, to cry, but she couldn’t help it.

Zeffy shifted, scooting closer to Rinali.

“Hey.”

Her voice was gentle, soothing.

“I’m sorry, Rinny.”

Rinali sniffed and rubbed at her eyes. The ache slowly ebbed away, and her hand fell to the petal-strewn grass. Another warm hand covered her own and squeezed gently.

“I really am. I won’t mention it again, ever. You have my word. After all, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

Rinali shivered uneasily, although there was no chill in the air. It was a balmy, warm afternoon, save for the forbidding grey clouds choking the sky of its color. It was the same as this morning as they had gone out to meet Shriek. Austere, grey, stormy—the very color of her own eyes. She hated it. She hated how there was no sun.

(the sun went out)

A barely perceptible chill skittered down Rinali’s back again. Why had that thought occurred to her so suddenly? She had sealed that memory away—

writhe

Rinali’s other hand flew to her chest as her breathing became labored, ragged. ”Ughh-“

“Rinali?” The voice was alarmed, concerned.

An overpowering wave of nausea slammed into Rinali and she retched, gagging, but only sour bile came up, bringing with it the fetid, decaying carcasses of long lost memories. The grip on her hand tightened, and squeezed harder.

“Rinali!”

Her mind spiraled down into darkness, a tiny point of light slipping into an abyss. The voice grew more distant and distorted…a hollow echo within the ghastly memory that engulfed her in blackness.

Rinali! Rinali…Rinali…rinallliii…

Wondrous Sableye
30th September 2005, 2:29 AM
Ooh…Interesting…Didn't figure the burning city was a card, too…

I'm beginning to find Zeffy the slightest bit frightening. Eccentricity can only take you so far as an excuse before ya come off as creepy. XD i know from experience. Then again, considering this is a horror story(Isn't it?), I suppose that's a good thing. XD

Nice lawyer analogy, by the way. XD

*gift o' beer*

—WonSab—

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 2:36 AM
OMFGWTFBBQ. I had a TOTAL brain meltdown and sent everyone a PM that said Chapter Four instead of Three. *slams her own head in her own laptop* o.o;;

Eh, I don't really LIKE this chapter a lot, but the next chapter makes up for that with lots of horror. :3

Kaizer
30th September 2005, 3:01 AM
I'll edit this with my full review in a minute, but umm, you posted the chapter twice...

Ok, for starters, I found no mistakes whatsoever, so I'm feeling even more useless. Second, I should be studying for an AP world history test, but this was a lot more interesting than my textbook, so that's very good(though not too hard to do...). Now, for the title: Tainted Pink Petals. This time, you have me completely stumped. It could have something to do with her reaction to the memories she had. I guess you'd generally think of them as happy memories, but to her they're harsh and horrible, therefore tainted. It could also have to do with how Rinali seems to hate and love Zeffy at the exact same time(in the way shown in this chapter). Really, I doubt either of those are right, but you can't blame a guy for trying.

On a completely random note, the smilies that are being shown right now are a Paras, Machamp, and a Graveler...
;245;

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 3:42 AM
THAT'S IT!

*smashes her laptop with a hammer*

I didn't do that double post on purpose. *glares at shattered remains of laptop*

Later, when I feel like it, I'll post a drawing I did of Shiva Rashiannou long ago.

Kaizer
30th September 2005, 3:46 AM
Well, you didn't have to smash the labtop over that. At the very least you could have like petted it while covering it in gasoline...

...and then throwing it into the middle of a busy street.

Oh, and I did like this chapter, but if you say the next one has lots of horror in it, then it'll probably be rated higher in my book than this one. So, can't wait for the next chapter and drawing.

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 3:55 AM
Sorry. It's that time of the month again, if you get my drift. <<;; And the day's been rather long. ^^;

The Almighty Shiva Rashiannou (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y3/Scrapdreams/Shiva.png)

The next chapter is a chapter that people could either love or hate, because I am raping, mangling, and tearing most rules of grammar and punctuation apart, throwing them on the floor, and setting them on fire. I don't usually flout the rules so blatantly, but the mood and the style of certain scenes are very important to me, so those of you who are sticklers about the English language...watch out. :0

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
30th September 2005, 4:30 AM
O_O

I pity your laptop Scrap, really I do. ;)

Now, onto the chapter. I spent five or so minutes trying to figure out what Shiva is. I assumed she(?) was a Machamp, but you kinda confused me with talon-like feet, or however you described it.

*sinks into shadows, and awaits Scrap-raped chapter* O_O That doesn't sound right.

Joshua

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 4:32 AM
That's what the drawing in the post above you is for. ^^ I knew Shiva might be a bit weird for people to imagine, but I bear that version way better than the steroids-abusing standard version...thongs....disturbing...images...x_x

Sike Saner
30th September 2005, 4:51 AM
O_O Shiva...is...wonderful! I adore that character, everything about her...You get a cookie right now for use of specially adapted breeds/races of an individual Pokémon species; that has been a concept that has fascinated me for a long time, and I had always hoped to see someone implement it. Shiva's personality is immediately likable, and visually...frell. *gets starry-eyed* The reptilian influence is just severely boss; I adore that. Reptilians = Love. And huge, deadly claws kick ***; they just do.

So...yeah, that was a good one. Oh, and have a little bonus cookie for that little "writhe" there near the end; that was cool.

*looks at Shiva pic again* Friggin' awesome. ^_^

xXSaberXx
30th September 2005, 5:40 AM
I wish Scrap would beat me. =O

Seriously though, that was an awesome. I love Zeffy, and Shiva. I assume you got 'Shiva' from the four armed (or six, can't remember) goddess of birth and death?

:3

Or from Final Fantasy. xD But she doesn't look like THAT Shiva.

Anyway, awesome. I said that already, didn't I? I love Rinali. O_o Though she freaks out sometimes. But it's understandable.

Luff! *steals away Wondorus Sabeleye's beer* ARCK! *gives to Scrap* :3

Kiyohime
30th September 2005, 8:03 AM
Shiva's after the Indian Goddess. I can't imagine the Final Fantasy Shiva being an inspiration for this one...she's blue and she's got boobies. X0 Someone snap me out of it! *frantically tries to erase image from brain* ARG!

Rinali freaks out easily because of her childhood, so yeah. ^^

Any more beer and I'm going to have to start attending AA meetings. XD

Ryano Ra
1st October 2005, 12:27 AM
Such a beautiful picture of Shiva, and such a tantalizing description of her as well. I must say, that was such an excellent chapter, considerably one of my favorites. I tend to love meadow-like imagery, for really, I feel as though it is such a great place to have anything happen. I'm wondering if you'll twist in some elements of fantasy here and there, but I'll have to wait. ^.^ Regardless, particularly, my favorite part was the beginning, where you described a card that was reflecting the action that occured in the Prologue - a great turn-around of things, as I am very envious you chose to do so. The description and vocabulary was wonderful; I never heard of the word 'dapple/dappled' before, but you way you used it, it seems like I'd love to abuse it. ^.^ Again, fantastic job. Now, I really can't wait to read the fourth chapter.

Kiyohime
1st October 2005, 1:53 AM
This is my shortest chapter, and grammar/punctuation is SO badly raped and mauled in this that I would advise you to stay away if you're squeamish about English language. ^^;;


Chapter 4

The Heart of Darkness

She was eight again, a little girl wandering the belly of the abandoned house of worship, suckling her thumb. A hollow, rasping laugh from the heart of the darkness. Dust and glass and fog and black ice. The wooden floor was soft and tarnished by rot. Silvery webs glistened upon the rotting pews lined up in rows. Broken stained-glass windows stared down at her like empty, hollow eye sockets.

writhe

Something slimy shifted within her, then settled.

A hot, strange wind began to sigh down the aisle, blowing Rinali’s sweaty hair out of her brow. The shadows seemed to be shifting, writhing-

Rinali took her thumb out of her mouth and looked down.

Shattered glass from the windows glittered on the dusty floor, reflecting her face over and over like color-stained mirrors. Rinali stared into the dark mirrors, and they seemed to pull her in, the darkness oozing into her brain-

Whirling, spinning, falling falling falling into the heart of darkness and fire, mirrors falling, falling, falling, rushing into oblivion, all of them reflecting her face and the words inscribed in fire--

RINALI, RINALI, RINALI, the roaring words howled in her mind, searing in their brilliance. HOW I LOVE RINALI TO BE MY TO LOVE MY RINALI TO BE MY QUEEN IF YOU IF YOU IF YOU ARE PURE FOR ME IF YOU ARE CLEAN FOR ME IF YOU ARE IF YOU ARE DEAD FOR ME DEAD YOU ARE

The fire swooped and whirled like a dervish in her mind, slashing and searing.

YOU ARE DEAD WITH THE REST OF THEM YOU ARE IN THE DEADBOOK WITH THE REST OF THEM RINALI RINALI RINALI THE SUN WENT OUT RINALI IS DEAD WITH THEM RINALI IS DEAD WITH THEM UNLESS UNLESS UNLESS

The walls of the cathedral groaned and sagged, melting like wax and closing in on her as the floor creaked and rippled. Boards popped up, splintering and crunching. Eight-year old Rinali screamed, stumbling on broken glass and blundering into the rotting pews.

THE WORLD THE WORLD SOON THE WORLD IS DEAD WHEN THE SUN WENT OUT RINALI RINALI AND WE WE WE I I I YOU YOU YOU WE WE WE ARE WE ARE WE ARE

Now the letters seemed to scream across the mirrors and the darkness and the shattered glass.

WE ARE IN THE HOUSE OF THE BONES RINALI

The final phrase howled in Rinali’s mind’s eye. The fire flared and the darkness shattered with a clean snapping, crackling noise. Pink cherry blossom petals and the scent of something pleasant wafted in through the broken windows, filling the darkness with light--

Reality oozed back in, filling jagged gaps into the world that was sliding in and out of focus.

Rinali opened her eyes, startling herself so badly that she flinched. She didn’t remember closing her eyes. The flourishing cherry blossom branches greeted her, and worried blue eyes filled her vision.

“Rinali? Are you okay? You sort of fell over-“

“I’m okay,” Rinali grunted. She pushed herself up awkwardly, aware that sticky petals were entangled in her hair. “I just felt…sick. That’s all.”

Zeffy narrowed her eyes. “********, Rinali.”

Rinali gaped, stunned. She had never heard the delicately spoken Zeffy utter a curse.

“I know you’re scared, Rinali. When you’re scared you turn inwards and you strike out. You hurt people who care about you! I just want to help you stop hurting, Rinali! So won’t you please tell me why you’re so against having a Bonded?”

Throughout her vehement outburst, Zeffy’s voice had been rising higher and higher, and it cracked at please. The grove lapsed into disquieting silence as Rinali looked away.

“Fine, I’ll tell you.” Her voice was low, subdued. Zeffy brightened and scooted closer, listening intently.

“Everyone says it’s a force of nature, but to me, it’s something horrifying. It feels like…it’s unnatural. Some people fall in love with their Bonded, and they don’t spend time with other humans. I’ve heard stories where people get so feral they start acting like their Bonded pokemon. They go…wild. Savage. I don’t want to lose myself like that. I don’t want to share so much. I want to keep myself for me!”

Her angry words echoed in the stony silence of the grove.

Zeffy narrowed her faded blue eyes, and she pushed herself to her feet. Abruptly, she turned and began walking away rapidly. Rinali called out after her, but it was too late. Zeffy was gone.



++++++


That night, Rinali returned to the apartment, drained and exhausted. She found Zeffy at the kitchen table, sobbing quietly, face buried in her arms.

“Zeffy…?” Rinali whispered, shocked to see the normally cheerful Zeffy crying. “I’m sorry, I-“

“Shut up.” The harsh words echoed in the silence like a gunshot. Rinali flinched.

“You have no idea…the things I’ve done for you. You are so ****ing selfish.” Zeffy’s voice was a flat, dead monotone. She raised her head and turned to meet Rinali’s widened eyes.

“You stupid, foolish girl. You understand nothing! I’ve done so much to protect you.”

The words rang around the silent room.

“You’re a coward, too weak to break loose and fight. You say you don’t want a Bonded, yet at the same time you do nothing to protect yourself! You’d be safer if you had a Bonded. Or if you learned to defend yourself. You simply don’t understand.”

The blood in Rinali’s veins turned to ice as she saw the demonic glow within Zeffy’s eyes. They were bloody red, the same bloody red they had been that night in the alley. Zeffy’s voice lowered to a savage whisper.

”Rinali, I care about you. I’ve kept watch over you for so long. You don’t know what I’ve done for you.”

Rinali stood rooted where she stood, frozen numb. Zeffy’s voice was like a ravenous fire, a fire that ravaged and burned within her mind and her veins, boiling her insides.

”You’re a very special girl, Rinali. Your father knew. The Affiliation knew.”

Her menacing words echoed hollowly, and Rinali remembered in a sudden surge-

Her father sitting at his desk behind his newspaper, a silent giant upon a mountain. Eight-year old Rinali plays with a doll at the foot of the desk. His father puts down the newspaper, and says those same words, “You’re a very special girl, Rinali. The Affiliation’s interested in you…”

Zeffy stood and moved towards Rinali, slowly but with deliberation. Her eyes’ red thrall hadn’t faded.

“Do you understand now, Rinali? You need to stop screwing around with things you don’t understand. Stay away from the Affilaiiton.”

(WE ARE IN THE HOUSE OF THE BONES RINALI)

A crystal dagger sliced through the darkness threatening to tear apart Rinali’s rational mind, and brought with it a torrent of icy fury.

Suddenly, her hand hurt. Suddenly, a red welt marred Zeffy’s pale, perfect cheek.

Suddenly, Zeffy’s eyes were blue again. The pale blue of thin, cracked ice.

Silence oozed back in, and Zeffy gently touched the drop of blood quivering on her chin, expressionless.

Zeffy smiled…and shattered like the ice that her eyes had become.


shuffle

With a faint shudder, I swept all the cards up, relieved as the girl with wild eyes disappeared into the deck. That card never failed to send small chills skittering up my spine.

Outside, the sky had begun to lighten slightly. It was approaching early morning, and I needed to sleep, or I’d be too exhausted for classes tomorrow.

Also, if Shiva caught me dozing on the job at the God’s Cry, I’d get a good thumping.

Little did I know that soon the cards of fate would begin to come into play, and that a deadly gamble was about to begin.

Kaizer
1st October 2005, 2:05 AM
The english language is overrated...

Wow, I just don't know what to say. That may have been your shortest chapter, but it was simply amazing and is the best one I've seen by far. I don't care about your massacre of the english language because it all flows too well for that to even matter.

The characterization from this chapter is just so much more indepth than the earlier ones. The final flashback ties everything we've seen so far together in a perfectly horrifying way. I know we won't get this many chapters so quickly very often, but I can't wait for the next chapter because if all of this was the backstory, then the meat of it has to be simply amazing.

This is far greater than Were ever was.
;245;

Quackerdrill
1st October 2005, 2:08 AM
That was fast- already another chapter? Ya know, can you add me to the PM list, pwease? I had no clue this was up... thanx!

Whoo, a shorter review (Of Chapter 3... see asterisk)!! First things first: The likening of the prologue's description to a card makes that segment even more important. Not only does it summarize the terror of the Great Apocalypse, but now it has something to do with Zeffy. Whew! And plus the name Innocence Lost... it must symbolize that eventual change in character of Zeffy that has been referenced over and over. I really loved the analogy of the sun going out to the day that everything changed, and... Good dramatic timing there.

Next, it you introduced/described Shiva with an impressive camera pan-like gradual reveal- perfect for keeping interest. A very cool idea; I always wondered about how Pokemon in different areas would differ. Then you attacked us with that odd thought that entered Rinali's head about the Zangoose- I copuld be wrong. but her sudden violent nature may suggest foreshadowing...? Either that or in references an interesting layer of Rinal's personality. Just the class itself was cool. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a Pokemon- centered academy? I sure would- especially if I could do essays on Shedinja morphology. XD You presented that classroom in a great realistic way that made it extremely believable- kudos for you.

Then, the ending- a wonderful yet surprising end to the chapter. I did not see a violent episode coming on, that's for sure. Rinali's reaction makes the recollection appear really harsh. Must have really affected her badly. The whole ending sequence, while brilliantly written, I worry was slightly abrupt. I'm sure that's on purpose, though. Can't wait to see what the next chapter reveals!!

Mistakes? Found none. Really. Great job. I will be. Here. Next time. Hopefully not talking in fragments. XD

*(GAAAAH! YOU POSTED CH. FOUR WHILE I WAS REVIEWING! Darn it... I will be back. Huttah.)

Ryano Ra
1st October 2005, 2:15 AM
“Do you understand now, Rinali? You need to stop screwing around with things you don’t understand. Stay away from the AffilaiitonThe only mistake I found is bolded, and it really isn't noticeable unless it strolls past Sy's eyes so easily.

Ah, another fantastic read. I really enjoyed this chapter, the way you are incorporating the past as flashbacks as Rinali shuffles the cards and draws specific ones. I definitely loved the last sentence of the entire chapter, because it tied up the entire work with perfection. I was getting the vibe that things are going to happen base on the cards that will be drawn from her each night, which'll be from nightmares to happiness to forgiveness to hate and so on and so forth. But, that's my personal intake, and I'd be glad to be proven something else. The English Language is also very literal, followed by the literal authors and reviewers around here, but to me, the beauty of it and how it flowed overpassed the rule and added to its flow.

I've never written such long reviews like this; I feel like reading more, but would it be bothering for me to ask what is your progress on the chapter now, assuming that you've written a lot more from when we lasted conversed.

Anyways, wonderful job, and keep up the beautiful work. You have a great Fanfiction here that'll go far.

Sike Saner
1st October 2005, 2:38 AM
Artful deviation of language is not its butchery, not at all. What you've done is to very effectively portray discomfiting, unsettling things by using language that sounds very disturbed...very insane. Besides which, anyone who has proven themselves as adroitly capable of wielding the language in a very lovely manner while within the confines of its rules as you have has earned the privelege of bending those rules.


HOW I LOVE RINALI TO BE MY TO LOVE MY RINALI TO BE MY QUEEN IF YOU IF YOU IF YOU ARE PURE FOR ME IF YOU ARE CLEAN FOR ME IF YOU ARE IF YOU ARE DEAD FOR ME DEAD YOU ARE

I had to single that out because I just love that to death. Good God, it's creepy! ^_^ That has got to be the most maddened-sounding thing I have ever read. I read that, and the way that's written, it's as though those words are just violently circling my brain. Brrr. Very effective portrayal of torment, there. Yum.

indigestible_wad
1st October 2005, 2:40 AM
I guess I can see why you did what you did with the language at hand, but it really wasn't that bad. I think the thing that could have helped would be to say that the voice was some sort of echo. It would have made a little more sense to as why you had words and phrases repeated.

Anyway, beyond what you did with the vioce, I think I found some other mistakes.

Dust and glass and fog and black ice.
Please, just get rid of all the ands. THe sentence is repetitive and doesn't have a verb to make it sound right. Put some commas in and add "blinded her" at the end of it or something, I don't care. Just change the sentence.

suckling her thumb.
Even if that is a word, I think it would sound much better as sucking. It also makes more sense.

Suddenly, her hand hurt. Suddenly, a red welt marred Zeffy’s pale, perfect cheek.

Suddenly, Zeffy’s eyes were blue again. The pale blue of thin, cracked ice.
Too many sentences starting with suddenly.

I know that the words you enlarged were meant not to be understood, but really, the rest of the chapter looked like you didn't even try. I know you can do better than that. There was no reason to cut up the words when it wasn't in a dream. I just hope the next chapter's better in terms of writing.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
1st October 2005, 3:07 AM
O_O

*melts* This chapter is fantastic! I can't remember something I was so entranced into reading. I have to quote Obsidian Blade, in something she said, which applies here:


Keep this up, and I may soon melt into an oddly coloured puddle, which may or may not get me out of housework.

Keep up the good work Scrap. ;)

Joshua

xXSaberXx
1st October 2005, 5:04 AM
SHALUMP!

O-o

IN THE HOUSE OF TEH BONES WHICH WE STEW FOR SUPPER

:3

Heehee, no seriously, I was really frickin-o scared of THAT CAPITAL VOICE! And now, Zeffy is OFFICALLY EVIL! OH NOES!!111oneseven. *writes the name Zeffy in ebil book*

;-; Scary things make Saber cry. But scary thing of melting wax remind me of the time when my aunt took me to wax my legs! :O THE HORROR!!!!!!

Heehee, kay, I've had too much sugar today. Overall, short, but WHO WASN'T SO FREAKED OUT AT THE CAPITAL VOICE THAT THEY ACTUALLY CARED?

Not me.

:3 luffs to ya!

Saber

Kiyohime
1st October 2005, 6:46 AM
Indigestible Wad: Thank you for reviewing...but I did warn you TWICE that this chapter would be extremely butchered in terms of English. I'm a little unhappy that you believe I didn't try on this chapter, because I worked on this chapter far longer than the previous three combined. It sounds odd, but it's not easy for a English language stickler like me to break the rules so resoundingly. XD Therefore, I will politely read everything you have to say, but NOT do as you ask. And yes, suckling is a word. ^^

THE REST OF YOU: Thank you, readers. You've made a humble college student/bookshop intern very happy. :3 I'm really happy that you all thought the chapter was a good way to end the flashback section of the story, and from this point on, all events happen in present time. Quackerdrill, sorry to have beat you to the punch so quickly. XP But it was a wonderful review. ^.^ I'm glad you thought I pulled off the academy realistically enough.

Saber, your second phrase made me spit out my Pepsi through my nose. Excellent work. :P

Ryano Ra
1st October 2005, 1:54 PM
Oh, so now things will begin happening in the present. I was wondering when you'd start writing the chapters in present time, because now, I feel that the horror shall truly begin. I think that many things will happen, but from my personal data I've gathered from reading your five entries, I'm thinking of a twisted turn in the Fanfiction.

Anyways, I shall patiently await for the fifth chapter. ^.^

Kiyohime
1st October 2005, 6:23 PM
You're getting better. o.O Yes, there will be a really weird twist coming up in the sixth chapter. Oh, and I LOVED the picture, BTW. ^^ The little potato-head person was funny. XD

Ryano Ra
1st October 2005, 6:41 PM
Thank you, but you earned such a delightful picture of Paint. :3 Fwee. Actually, that potato-head person was suppose to be me in picture form, but as long as you enjoyed it. ^.^;

Anyways, back onto the subject.

I do have a big clue as to what the weird twist is, since you gave me a very strong vibe from the last two chapters that were based on Rinali. I would love to say so, but I'd rather keep my mouth shut and wait for the chapter to come to see if I predicted correctly or not. But, why is my mind telling me that you plan on doing a suicide scene somewhere in here? o-O;;

indigestible_wad
1st October 2005, 7:38 PM
It's not that I didn't know, I just don't understand why you did it. And sorry.

jirachiman876
1st October 2005, 9:15 PM
GAH!!! Teo chapters in like two days. Damn freaking band!!! I missed allt his reading because of band. DAMn f-ing band. Anyway ggreat chapters there. I really didn't notice a lot of teh killing of english. You've left me speechless really. great chappies.
jirachiman out ;385;

Flaming Lip
1st October 2005, 10:02 PM
OMFGWTFBBQPINKFLOYD>J00!

First things first. I must maim you with Ringo Starr for the following reasons

1. You posted two chapters while I was with a freind.

2. You have gotten me inspired to begin work on my fic.

*maims*

Anyway, the chapters were friggen awsome. I hope Shiba plays a big role. I also hope that you have more parts of the fic from Zeffy's point of view, because... She... Friggen... Pwns... And in order to give Zeffy an even more pwning zing, and evil and let bake for 2 hours. Be sure not to eat the intestines or any part of the head (they are not particuarly tasty >< but if you are on of those people who like to eat the Lobster's stomach while it still full of who knows what, then by anymeans eat it).

0-0

Canibalisim aside, I must congratugate you more. I hereby bestow upon you, the latest and most ground braking mathmatical equation of all time:

Pink Floyd > j00 > Some other people whose names escape me > Everone else> People who like eating Lobster's half digested crap

And, here is some flan. Don't let Burnt Flower have it. Flan is for fauna.


I hope this review was halfway coherent. If not than send a check for me to go to a shrink.

Kiyohime
1st October 2005, 10:20 PM
XD I had to reread that a few times to get it. Nope, I don't eat lobster guts. X0

Anyways, here's an equation:

Pink Floyd * (x) Beatles divided by the sum (=) of Led Zeppelin's square root rounded up = Zeffy and Rinali will take alternating third-person point of views, because I've found that third person works best for the rest of the chapters.

Shiva and her clan will play a minor role later, so don't worry. ^.^;

Flaming Lip
1st October 2005, 10:32 PM
In simpler terms:
(1)p*(1)b/Z(however the hell you type the symbol for square root)=O

O(wnage) = Zeffy and Rinali will take alternating third-person point of views.

Ahh... the wonders of mathamtics. We shall be the next Newton's (of course we won't have a Nasa sponsered concert thingy touring schools to teach our laws of physics some 300 odd years from now.... XD)

Anyway, 'tis good news. I look foward to the next chapter. Post it. Now. ^^[/OBVIOUS BREEZY RIP-OFF]

Ryano Ra
2nd October 2005, 12:00 AM
Glad to hear that Shiva and her Machamp clan will play a later role, for I really want to see them in pure, hardcore action against another Pokemon group or humans themselves. Ah, third-person, that's a great choice for this story, although isn't first person dealing with the person telling it themselves, such as 'I am going to play."? If so, then my calculations are steaming with absolute answers. I just want to get to some action, and Ry needs to read some. ;-;

SnoringFrog
2nd October 2005, 2:06 AM
Sorry, I'm falling behind, just reead chapter two, it was good. I'm kinda tired so I got lost, but it was still good.

BrokenDreams
2nd October 2005, 4:52 PM
Very interesting story. You explain the situation in such an interesting way starting out with something that seems unrelated but plays an important part in the story.


Originally Posted by Scrap
Biggabig humangirl sleepysleep! No! Bad! Sleepysleep badbadbad! Hungry! Wantfood foodfood! Wakewakewake sleepysleep humangirl! Psycho hungry! Hungry! Wakewakewake!

Psycho furiously stamped up and down on the floor, then rapidly threw himself into motion, furiously running around in small, tight circles.

PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY! PSYCHO HUNGRY HUNGRY WANTFOODFOODFOOODNOW NOW NOW!

With a forlorn squeak, Psycho stopped dead in his tracks. The Paras slumped to the floor, his legs splaying out in all directions. He was the picture of utter despair.

Psycho is alone. Psycho is unloved. Psycho is sad.

Minutes ticked by as silence fell upon the room once again, broken only by the distant rumbling of another train as it clattered past, engines grinding and causing the room to shake again.

Abruptly, Psycho forgot why he was sad. He remembered he was hungry. Whatever was he doing, lying on the floor? The Paras leapt to all fours.

PSYCHO HUNGRY! BAD HUMANGIRL! BAD BAD SLEEPY!

lol, that was so funny! I want to hear more of this story so add me onto your PM list if you have one.

SnoringFrog
2nd October 2005, 5:22 PM
Okay, caught up now. Both 3 and 4 were interesting. Nice picture of Shiva, I liked it. Still a bit lost, but that's okay, I'll figure it out soon. I hope...

Ryano Ra
2nd October 2005, 5:50 PM
Just a small question for Scrap; Psycho is the pathologically insane Paras, correct? Well, I was wondering if you were going to explain how such a chemical-brain imbalance happened within the Pokemon, for I would love to learn more about that cute insect-beast. Or perhaps you could sum it up and just tell me, but either way, I'd love to know such a tantalizing story.

GoGoTenda
2nd October 2005, 5:59 PM
Scrap, you are my goddess. I love this fanfiction to death; keep going! ^^

Zeffy is pretty freakin creepy already, and there's always room to grow even more horrifying. I really want to see why the Affilliation is so interested in Rinali (does she have a Pokemon out there that's destined to be her Bonded? Is it something powerful? Is it legendary?). Anyway, I'm kind of speechless after reading all four chapters...I'll be sure to write more for your next chapters.

Kiyohime
2nd October 2005, 7:08 PM
Whoa, two new reviewers. >.o Hi! *waves*

BrokenDreams, I'm glad you liked it. ^^ You'll be added to the LIST.

Serpent Syra, he's insane because he threw himself out a window when he was a baby, hoping to fly. It's mentioned in passing later, but I might as well tell you guys now. XD I made him crazy because I need him to do nonsensical but beneficial random acts in some important parts later on.

GoGoTenda, I'm over the moon that you like my fanficiton so much. ^^ Thank you so much for reviewing!

Ryano Ra
2nd October 2005, 7:12 PM
Oh, that explains it. I'm assuming he must have seen Zeffy's Bonded and assumed that he could fly as well. ^.^ Then again, that's only what I think, and I know that I'm wrong. I think his acts are quite laughable, it gives a gentle touch to the Fanfiction. That's all I wanted to know. ^.^

*waits for the next chapter* *sits in the spiraling universe*

Kiyohime
7th October 2005, 8:07 PM
I know it's a boring chapter, and I'm sorry. x.x;; But you see, it's because the next arc (Chapter 6 through Chapter 9) is the most violent, disturbing series of chapters for this story SO FAR. This chapter is a transition chapter. ^^;;


Chapter 5

Shards of an Ice Queen



We're all, each and every one of us, searching for the answer to our existence through the sordid and convulsed affairs shared between us each day. The misinterpretations and expectations experienced by the masses can be nothing short of…exhausting. Even the most bright minded and seemingly optimistic can be taken down by the daily strife, turning them jaded…and when jaded, one grows desperate for a connection. Desperate for a feeling. Desperate for a belief.

Rinali Furusato was desperate for anything.

Between wishing she could find information on the Affiliation and wishing she could fix her life, there was no peace of mind for the young student and budding martial artist.

Two years past, and still things felt so…unsolved. With the Affiliation behind the wheels of Eden’s progress, Eden was growing, flourishing, and unfolding new petals. New research, new districts, new technologies…

But her father was still dead. And Zeffy was gone.

The mystery still had not been lifted, and Rinali felt choked in a maze of lies, misinformation, and memories as she continued on a frantic search for information and knowledge on the Affiliaiton.

Quite suddenly, Rinali felt old. Old at eighteen.

Old, and utterly alone.


++++++

The venerated God’s Cry Dojo of Eden was a majestic old building, with elegant Japanese architecture that boasted glossy wooden-paneled floors and woven bamboo mats, with a sweeping, vaulted ceiling. Rich sunlight streamed through the windows, illuminating the gym.

The gym was filled with noise and movement-the thunder of paws upon the floor, the gasps and wheezes of the training fighters, the dull thuds of blows landing upon flesh. It was a respectable place that specialized in training Pokemon and humans. Often, humans and their Bonded came to perfect their battling technique.

The truly unique aspect of the Dojo was that it combined all aspects of Pokemon techniques. Often, a Pokemon specializing in the Psychic element would come over and instruct classes, teaching the students to strengthen and enhance their minds. The power of the body and the power of the mind were equally important, and sustained a vital balance, like Yin and Yang.

The Dojo encouraged its students to master the ability of being quick, agile and nimble on their feet as well as being able to master lighting-quick attacks, and be able to evade oncoming attacks. It was a place of ancient glory, blood, and sweat. But it was also a place of honor, and was deeply steeped in ancient tradition.

Rinali worked at the Dojo as an intern after her classes, which still ended at 2:30 as usual. She was fairly proud of her own progress in the art of fighting ever since she’d begun-

“Rinali Furusato! No see long time, haw haw haw!”

A plummy, heavily accented voice rang out, and Rinali jumped slightly as a Breloom bounded up to greet her, grinning widely.

“Hello, Pierrot.” Rinali smiled slightly. “The expression’s actually ‘Long time no see’, but you were close enough.”

“Oh.” The young Breloom seemed slightly put out, but resumed his gay chatter, following Rinali through the large chamber. “Haw haw haw, it’s been a while anyhow! I haven’t seen you in months!”

Pierrot was a lithe fighting-grass elemental raptor with a tendency to bounce slightly as he walked, and an absurdly oversized mushroom cap perched at a jaunty angle upon his small head. The hyperactive, talkative Pokemon was a patron of the God’s Cry. Unfortunately, he seemed hopelessly devoid of any fighting skill.

“Say, want to spar? I could sure use the practice!” Pierrot chirped, bouncing around and whipping his club-like tail around, nearly braining a nearby Farfetch’d that had been practicing slashes and thrusts witn its leek sword. The duck sent Pierrot a ferocious glare that could have melted steel and waddled away, quacking angrily.

Rinali shuddered. “No, thanks. Last time I tried to spar with you, I was in the hospital paralyzed by your stunning spores for two days.”

Pierrot was known for his clumsiness, and could never manage to pull off any moves without toppling over or tripping on his own tail. Also, he was notorious for his lack of control over his spore ducts, and more often than not, ended up accidentally poisoning or paralyzing his sparring partner. He was far more adept at speaking English than he was at fighting, sadly. Still, Rinali couldn’t help but be fond of him.

“How are you today?” Rinali inquired as they moved around a pair of grunting, heaving Hitmonchan dealing out chain-lighting punches at each other.

“Fantastic as usual!” Pierrot chirped, beaming. “Today, I feel as if I could take on a Machamp!”

A long shadow fell upon him, and a low, subterranean voice rolled out behind the Breloom like thunder.

“Is that so, little one? Perhaps you are ready to spar with me today, hmm? Test your skill against a Thunderclap Clanbeast, perhaps?”

Professor Shiva Rashiannou stood over Pierrot, all four of her hands on her hips and looking extremely imposing. Her amber eyes were narrowed slits.

The little Pokemon blanched at the sight of the impressive Machamp glaring down at him.

“Er- er, uh, no, I don’t think so, er, er, I’ve got other extremely urgent, pressing engagements that I must attend to right now! Perhaps later, haw haw haw!” Pierrot gabbled, his red claws clicking upon the wood as he hastily scurried away.

“Nice,” Rinali chuckled. “But don’t you think that was a little unkind?”

“It is foolish for a warrior to make empty boasts,” Shiva rumbled stoically.

Rinali shrugged, and smiled slightly as Shiva abruptly turned to berate another of her victims.

One corner of the gym was nearly empty, save for a punching bag and some equipment, and Rinali veered towards it. She needed to clean the mess up, and then maybe she’d practice her punches.

Rinali would work until her shift was over, and then walk to the Old Pyrite Station to take a train back to the New Phenac district, where an empty apartment and an insane Paras eagerly awaited her arrival.

This was how Rinali Furusato lived, day in and day out. Each day, she'd wake up, have breakfast, attend classes till noon, stop and eat lunch, continue her classes until two-thirty, then go work at the God’s Cry, then go home, read a book and fall asleep on the couch. The money she earned working at the God’s Cry was enough to sustain her needs. Even after two years, Rinali barely spent any money on anything more she needed. She had always been simple that way.

Though, at times, the loneliness would get to her, a creeping scourge that even books and Psycho couldn’t stave off. It was at those times when Rinali would leave the apartment, and take walks late at night, staring up at the stars and listening to the distant grumble of the snakelike trains clattering on their tracks above.

She missed Zeffy. That much she knew, no matter how much she’d try to deny it.

That night, as Rinali drifted off to sleep, she faintly wondered about Zeffy’s whereabouts, as she had done each night for a long time now.

Little did she know that as she slipped into uneasy dreams, a Yamaha motorcycle was roaring across the vast, rolling dunes of Orre, heading towards Eden.... followed by the moonlit shadow of an iron hawk.


++++++

Light was an intrusive entity, hell-bent on making Rinali miserable. At least…that's what she believed.

As the morning came filtering in through the closed curtains of Rinali's bedroom window, she became aware of stiffness in her neck and a funny taste in her mouth. Grimacing, the woman sat up with a groan, rubbing the back of her neck. Looking around, she let out a loud sigh. Same old apartment. Same old clutter of books and clothes. Same old bra hanging from the ceiling fan.

Ah well, at least it was Saturday. That was something.

Standing groggily to her feet, she stretched and rubbed at her eyes, opening the curtains before trudging through the hall and the kitchen, stopping for a moment to turn on the coffee machine and fill Psycho’s bowl with fresh Paras feed, then continued down the hall into the bathroom. There she shed her clothes and turned on the shower, savoring the feeling of the warm water cascading down her skin.

When she was bathed and clean, Rinali turned the water off and grabbed a towel from the nearby rack, using it to dry herself off a bit before wrapping it around herself. Tossing her dirty clothes into the hamper, she stepped back out into the hall, continuing to the door at the end and nearly tripping over Psycho as he frantically scuttled to the kitchen, smelling his breakfast.

Choosing her outfit for the day, Rinali chose a simple pair of jeans and a tank top. Quickly dressing, she pulled on a pair of strap-on sandals before returning to her kitchen, her hair still damp and dripping.

Opening her fridge again, the martial arts student made a face at its lack of contents, and shut the door as she grabbed the loaf of bread sitting on the kitchen counter. Pulling out two bread slices, she pushed them into the toaster whilst simultaneously opening a cabinet door, pulling out a coffee mug when she did so. By now, the coffee maker had a full pot ready, so Rinali poured herself a cup, putting in the sugar, stirring it, and drinking it black.

This was Rinali’s usual morning routine, although today would be different, because she planned on heading to the local grocery store when she finished eating her breakfast of coffee and toast.

Stopping only for a moment to brush her teeth, the young woman grabbed her purse and headed out the door, her sandals slapping against the pavement as she stepped onto the sidewalk. Walking with a steady pace, Rinali glanced around. Not many were out at the moment. It was early…but she was used to getting up early, thanks to her classes.

The seven o’ clock train was also as sparsely filled as the streets had been. In fact, it was empty save for one other passenger, which struck Rinali as slightly odd. Even if it was early, the trains were always filled with a fair number of people. As she sat down, the lone man glanced up at her and grinned in a fairly unsettling way. Rinali didn’t return the gesture, and sat down as far away from the man as she could.

The train slowly rumbled to life as it crept forwards, gaining momentum until it was comfortably shrieking down the track at high speeds. The skyline blurred and blended together with the sky in a roar of motion and color.

The clacking of the train’s wheels against the track did nothing to dispel the vague feeling of disquiet lurking in the silence. The skyline of Eden flashed past to the soundtrack of the train engine’s steady roar, and Rinali gazed out at them with dull disinterest. Her face was reflected in the darkened glass, and seemed to stare right back at her.

She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn’t sense the approach of the man behind her. When she did, it was too late for her to do anything. A slightly damp cloth pad muffled her scream, and covered her nose. Purple roses bloomed and exploded behind Rinali’s eyelids as she sank into drugged oblivion.

Sike Saner
7th October 2005, 9:24 PM
Purple roses bloomed and exploded behind Rinali’s eyelids as she sank into drugged oblivion.

Surely, you're aware of how very loverly that sentence is? Seriously, yum.

Found a couple of oopses, but nothing major:


The hyperactive, talkative Pokemon was a patron of the God’s Cry, Unfortunately, he seemed hopelessly devoid of any fighting skill.

Was that comma meant to be a full stop? Also, I spotted a couple of instances in which a sentece beginning with Rinali had the name typed out as "RInali". Other than those, no errors.

Okay, I know I shall not be the last to declare this, but Pierrot = Love. Seriously, what a guy! ^_^ There's my new favorite character in this, right there.

Kiyohime
7th October 2005, 9:32 PM
I've zapped all the errors. ^^ Thanks, Sike.

Wow, I'm fairly surprised you liked Pierrot. XD He'll be a important character in the story, so there you go. :P

Kaizer
7th October 2005, 10:23 PM
Quite suddenly, RInali felt old. Old at eighteen.
Rinali

And that was the one mistake that I found. I don't know why you say the chapter is boring, but I really don't find any chapter of something boring. I may look forward to the next one, but never boring. This certainly didn't change that either. It was still well written and I might actually be able to make inferences about plot for once.

As for the title, I'm guessing it has to do with the difference in Rinali from the last one, in how she went from the fractured person she was, to an at least almost complete person, but she's still pretty unloving and frozen inside. That, and Zeffy is coming home...

Oh, and while Pierriot is cool, I'd rather see Psycho more. Their both crazy, but political craziness isn't as fun as plain insanity.
Until next time,
;245;

Kiyohime
7th October 2005, 10:35 PM
Sorry to disappoint you, Kaizer, but Psycho won't be making any appearances as a major character/plot pusher until the story's very advanced. ^.^; And thanks for that error...what IS it with me and caps lock? o.o;;

Ryano Ra
7th October 2005, 11:06 PM
That chapter was very smooth, fluid, and overall entrancing. Somehow, this chapter just flowed, word after word after word, which I loved about it. The last sentence tied up some more conspiracies that I have been gathering from the last six installments, but I am too eager to read the next four chapters before I state what I think. Anyways, the small scenes of Psycho were cute, and I could imagine him nearly tripping a clean Rinali. Pierrot seems like a very interesting chapter, but I still like the idea about using Paras more (which Kaizer stated), but nevertheless, I wouldn't mind learning more about Pierrot and his adoring personality.

Wonderful job with this chapter, Scrap.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
8th October 2005, 12:47 AM
I love the Pierrot character Scrap. He's just so likable. And how he ran from Shiva, priceless.


Purple roses bloomed and exploded behind Rinali’s eyelids as she sank into drugged oblivion.

Although it's been said before, I just want you to know that this line is absolutely beautiful, and where do you get this stuff from anyway? *gets out notebook*

Fantastic chapter Scrappie, and I have yet to be disappointed. And I doubt I will be.

Your devoted reader,

Joshua

Kiyohime
8th October 2005, 1:04 AM
I fainted once, (in an accident that landed me in the hospital) and the second right before I blanked out, purple roses was EXACTLY what it looked like. You know those moments when it seems you have strange colors and lights dancing behind closed eyelids? That's the best way to describe it. ^^;

I'm really excited to see what everyone's reaction to the next four chapters will be. ^^ I assure you, they're my best yet.

xXSaberXx
8th October 2005, 2:00 AM
I dun like Shiva.

O-o

She makes me go, WTF ARE YOU A MAN OR WOMAN, YOU THING?!

>D That, and the fact she's so, OH I AM HOLIER THAN THOU.

Heehee, can't spell for kur-rap-o today. :3 I did like this chapter though. OMG ZEFFY IS COMING AND SHE WILL EAT JOO ALIVEEEEEE!111oneseven.

Annnnnnnnd I'm hyper today. I likey the idea of Rinali getting kidnapped, THOUGH it's kinda obvious (hope you won't make it obvious though) what will happen next.

>P

DRINKS ALL AROUND!

Saber

Kiyohime
8th October 2005, 2:15 AM
o.o;;; Er....Shiva's a female Machamp. And Pierrot's an idiot. *cowers from hyper Saber*

Oh? And what do you think will happen next? Pray, tell. I'm curious to see how wrong or right you will be. ^^

GoGoTenda
8th October 2005, 2:27 AM
I love Pierrot, too. Pokemon that are only good at fighting when they screw up are awesome :3

Rinali should really carry around some mace. She seems to get in a trouble an awful lot. Good thing Zeffy's coming back.

This chapter was really nice even if it wasn't ACTION PACKED TO THE EXTREME. Since all the errors are gone, there's not much more I can say about this one.

Kiyohime
8th October 2005, 2:31 AM
Don't worry, the next four chapters are gonna make your nose bleed, your lungs explode, your spine collapse, your eyeballs pop, and quite possibly boil your brain. D:

Pierrot's handy talent will become apparent, too.

indigestible_wad
8th October 2005, 3:40 AM
I'd like to start off saying sorry for the last review. I have no excuses. Now that I'm through with that, on to the less important stuff.

Rinali chose a simple pair of jeans and a tank top.
That's probably one of my favorite outfits a woman could wear. Very sexy. You just didn't say what color they were. Unless simple means white. If so even better.

I love how you open scenes. It is amazing how few good ways there are to do it, but you ace it every time. Closing scenes or chapters seems a lot easier than opening them.

Old at eighteen. Very few people know what that feels like. I myself have never truly experienced it, but a lot of the mature members here probably come close to that.

Zeffy coming back and Rinali getting captured. I wonder waht this means. OMG teh past repetes!!111!!1

Kiyohime
8th October 2005, 4:40 AM
Wad, there's no need to apologize. ^^

And yes, I agree-- I love jeans and tank tops. :3 I didn't say which color, since that seemed redundant. ^.^;;

Old at eighteen...I'm almost eighteen, but I feel so old compared to all the little 'uns on this forum. xDDD

xXSaberXx
8th October 2005, 7:05 AM
okies...um....O_o

THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Maybe

Rinali gets kidnapped and Zeffeh saves her. :3

Now that would be cliched.

Though though, I still luff you! And don't cower from me woman! I AM LIKE....TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU!

:3 Heehee.

Luffs!

Saber

Rani Fernleaf
8th October 2005, 11:51 AM
Wow. This is lovely, Scrap. I'd followed Were, and was highly disappointed when you announced that you would abandon it for Childhood's End, a new project. Obviously I was misguided.

Heh. I read that last chapter, saw Sike Saner's comment about the RInalis, and thought, 'Oh my god, I missed that?' Then I realized that you'd fixed them. :) Yup, getting that 'misguided' vibe a lot lately.

I wonder how the girl in the prologue relates to Zeffy? Great characters, by the way. Pierrot is cute, and Zeffy is TEH EBILNESS(gasp! cheer!), but I name Psycho King of All Dysfunctional Characters. Yes, including all those mad Kadabras in Dannichu's fics. Whee.

The story ties into itself in every chapter, and the words flow into sentences with all the fluidity of water. Very relaxing, especially after plowing through everlasting layers of n00bish posts. -heaps praise-

Can't wait for the next few chapters. Surely you can shorten the lapses of time between installments? Five days at least? -cute, wide-eyed twelve-year-old puppy eyes expression- Oh, and add me to the list. :)

Kiyohime
8th October 2005, 4:52 PM
Since you ask so kindly, I'll reduce it to five days. D: Thank you for your lovely review, and I'll add you to the list right away. ^^

And, for those fans of Were, fear not-- you'll all get a pleasant surprise somewhere around....uhhh....chapter twenty-two? o.o;; *hides under pebble*

Flaming Lip
8th October 2005, 7:01 PM
Provided that, Scrap, the little suprise isn't you attempting to have a charecter speek in Spanish.

Nice chapter, though there was something I didn't quite like about it... Yet I don't know what.

I don't know, maybe I was expected a horse head in her bed *just watched the Godfather*

XD

Nontheless, nice job. I anticipate the next chapter. Post is soon or thou shalt face the wrath of the Ringo Starr doll.

>=D

Quackerdrill
9th October 2005, 1:28 AM
Teh Quack's Review Rush 10/8/05!! Review #3

Sorry about my loss of a review for ch. 4, I just got caught up in other things. *thinks* Okay, you probably didn't notice/care anyways. XD (omit the words of the insane one!!)

Interesting chapter, albeit rather uneventful in the big picture of things. But I get what you mean about it being a transitional chapter- it had to be done. I loved the opening so darn much I almost went crazy. Beautiful commentary on life and values... I live for that stuff. Awesome, and so very true. I've heard a quote similar to yours before the transition there: "The young are often 'older' than their superiors- due to their struggles." How very true.

The God's Cry Dojo seems like a very interesting place- wonderful imagery and meaning there. What a clever mind you have... I do agree with the others on Pierrot- yet another well rounded character to add to the deliciousness this is as a character study... Every time you introduce a new addition to the cast I just savor the moment by re-reading the passages and reveling in the brilliance... eh, what? Oh, I'm ranting.

Um, anyways, the description of Rinali's everyday monotony was very effective:

Each day, she'd wake up, have breakfast, attend classes till noon, stop and eat lunch, continue her classes until two-thirty, then go work at the God’s Cry, then go home, read a book and fall asleep on the couch. The drawn out, almost run-on like timing makes it extremely easy to understand the rush of it all. Great job.

But then the deal about Rinali actually missing Zeffy... sad to say, but it felt a little too predictable. The way they interacted with each other was the perfect lead in for this... but couldn't something less cliche have gotten to the same point? Maybe she would have an internal conflict about the need of her, or maybe she would have taken the complete opposite way and fully brainwashed herself into her being completely independant... I dunno, you are the better writer after all, you probably have a reason behind this that tackles mine out the proverbial window. XD *visualizes* ...

And then that uber-interesting reference to light that has been used repeatedly- there must be some kinda reason behind its usage. You used "the sun went out" to refer to the day of Rinali's loss of innocence, and now there's "Light was an obtrusive entity". Oooooh, just makes me wanna re-read this again...

Finally, Mistake:

Just one 'dis time.

The venerated God’s Cry Dojo of Eden was a majestic old building, with elegant Japanese architecture that boasted glossy wooden-paneled floors and woven bamboo mats, with a sweeping, vaulted ceiling. Rich sunlight streamed through the windows, illuminating the gym.

The gym was filled with noise and movement-the thunder of paws upon the floor, the gasps and wheezes of the training fighters, the dull thuds of blows landing upon flesh. It was a respectable place that specialized in training Pokemon and humans. Often, humans and their Bonded came to perfect their battling technique. *"The gym"= repetitive. Eh, easy fix, huh?

Basically, you just keep churning out the goodness chapter after chapter. Just awesome.

Kaizer
9th October 2005, 3:14 AM
And, for those fans of Were, fear not-- you'll all get a pleasant surprise somewhere around....uhhh....chapter twenty-two? o.o;; *hides under pebble*
Did I hear the word Were? I know I did, and it's right there in front of me too, so I can't be hallucinating that badly, can I? Well, I think I'll like chapter 22 then. Having to wait may not be the most fun of all things, but I can wait, because Were was awesome.
I wonder if you'll use the word Poochyena in chappie number 22....
;245;

Kiyohime
9th October 2005, 3:54 AM
SHUT UP ABOUT THAT POOCHYENA THING! XDDDDD *slams sledgehammer into Kaizer's face* Must you thrive in my misery? X3

Quackerdrill, you may be right about Rinali missing Zeffy...now that I think about it, it does seem quite soap-opera-ish.

My reasons for Rinali missing Zeffy are obscured at the moment, due to a twist being revealed way later, as Rinali and Zeffy have an unusual relationship, but all the same, you're correct. ^.^;;

You remember how it's hinted that Zeffy kind of needs Rinali to keep herself from going off the edge? That aspect will be explored in more depth as the story progresses, so hopefully everything falls in place later. Wow, I'm rambling now. o.o;;

jirachiman876
10th October 2005, 12:32 AM
Well, I guess I should review this since I read it this morning on meh e-mail. Man band is taking my life away. Anyway interesting chappie. I like teh breloom, tis a funny guy. WHy must you give us a cliffhanger and use something I was using for my revision of SIA. Meh. Anyway great chappie.
jirachiman out ;385;

UnholyWeather
12th October 2005, 11:16 PM
Hello,
Newbie fan-fic reviewer here to...uh...review! Yes I have of cousre heard of you but i was to lazy to search for any of your stories. But fate is a weird thing when it comes to me. I won't get into it but I wasn't too surpised when i saw your story.

Anyway you are one good writer. The fluidity of the tale is quite nice. It's nice because you're still able to keep the fluidity with description you have. If this doesn't make sense it's ok, all i'm saying is that it's smooth and has got me hooked.

You have an interesting cast of characters. Zeffy, who is coming back but for what reason? Maybe to warn her of something? I guess i'll see. Rinali, when i think of her i see question marks. Psyhco, who is too cool for school or more like too insane for school. Pierrot and Shiva. Kinda got lazy there.

Well i am awaiting the next chapter(s). Go forth and write or i'll bash on the head with my sandal of doom. Also could you add me to the list? Brown sugar on top.

Later

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 2:32 AM
FINALLY! Now the ball gets rolling, people! This chapter begins a small arc that ends with an explosive Chapter Nine, and after Chapter Nine, the plot expands away from Eden. ^_^ I'm really excited to hear everyone's reactions for this, since I've been waiting to post this chapter with bated breath.

UnholyWeather, thank you for reviewing! I appreciate it so much. 8D You've been added to the list. My, my, the list's getting huge. o.o;;



Chapter 6

Shackles of Sorrow


It was a deathroom. Rinali knew it for what it was as soon as the door opened. The floor was gray industrial tile. The walls were discolored white stone, stained with dark red patches that might have been blood-- certainly it was a place where blood had been spilt.

The overhead lights were cradled in wire cages, and along one wall, there was a heart monitor machine with the curved, sleek pole of an IV drip next to it. In the center of the room there was an empty steel table, waiting for Rinali. Beside the table stood a small wheeled trolley, filled with jars of fluid and surgical instruments. There were scalpels, hypodermic needles, tweezers, scissors, and all sorts of ominous sharp metal tools that Rinali didn’t need to look at twice to know that they were capable of causing extraordinary amounts of pain. The ratio of the pain was equally proportionate to how creative the wielder was, unfortunately.

Rinali was half-led, half-dragged towards the table and shoved onto it. Steel shackles clicked ominously as they slammed down upon her ankles and her wrists like jaws, chaining her to the steel table.

Rinali was still partially under the drug’s influence, and her head lolled about drunkenly, eyes unfocused and sagging. Her vision swam back and forth, and she could only discern vague, moving silhouettes in her vision.

“Miss Rinali Furusato. It’s a honor to have you with us today.”

The voice was a deep, rich baritone, and rolled off Rinali’s ears like dark chocolate.

“Your father was well-respected among our corporation. Unfortunately, he became a liability as soon as he sold you to us for research material.”

The last phrase jolted Rinali out of her drugged stupor. “Huh?” Her voice was slurred like a drunkard’s.

“I’m afraid it’s true. Here’s the contract. It’s legally binding, and as you can see, it states here quite clearly that when you become eighteen, you become our property also. The contract was drawn up when you were eight. Nice and legal.”

One of the wavering silhouettes held up a blurred white blob that could have been the contract, or it could have been a Duskull for all Rinali knew.

“Don’t worry about your apartment,” the baritone voice said kindly. “It’s been taken care of already by our operatives. And we’ve sent another operative to inform your academy and your supervisor at the God’s Cry Dojo that sadly, you’ve tragically perished in a fire that engulfed your apartment. All records of your existence have been erased. Your birth certificate, identification papers, student files, medical records, dental records, and PDA have all also been disposed of.”

The words hit Rinali’s brain like a leaden sledgehammer, and her body sagged with dull shock. The baritone voice continued speaking smoothly.

“The Affiliation is the most powerful corporation-indeed, the only corporation. We are also the federal government. We are also the military. We are the law. We run Eden. We control everything. We keep the wheels rolling smoothly. Therefore, from this day on, Rinail Furusato does not exist. From now on, you are simply research material for us to do with as we see fit.”

Rinali rolled her head around, moaning with animal fear. A small trickle of drool ran down from the corner of her lip, gently dribbling across her chin.

(we are in the house of the bones rinali)

“From this day on, you will be simply known as the government project Sin-eater, Sin for short.. The first step, of course, will be to erase your fingerprints to avoid further dispute of your identity. Then, as a further precaution, we’ll be dying your hair black and performing surgery on your vocal cords to change your voice. And lastly, laser eye surgery to eliminate your need for eyeglasses. It’s a precaution for cases where you’ll be released into the general population for behavioral research. It won’t do for us if someone were to see your resemblance to the former Rinali Furusato, will it, now?”

The former Rinali Furusato. Already her identity was being removed with cold surgical precision, stripping all traces of her former life away from her as easily as stripping skins from an onion. And she was helpless to do anything about it.

Her father had betrayed her. Sold her to this soulless corporation. But why?

She asked the question, not without difficulty, for her words were heavily slurred. The query was met with a chuckle.

“All will be explained in due time. First…we have things to do.”

There were footsteps as more silhouettes moved in, and clinking as jars of fluid were picked up from the trolley.

“To erase your fingerprints, we’ll be using a useful little solution called sodium hyroxide, or lye. Lye is a basic compound, but it has a ph scale of fourteen, which means it can burn you as easily as acid does. Hold out her hands.” the voice commanded.

Rinali’s wrists were grabbed and twisted around, exposing her open palms and fingers. She tried to struggle, but her entire body felt like a sack of wet cement.

“Keep her still, and administer the lye. Someone hold her head-- now!”

Liquid fire touched all ten tips of her fingers, and Rinali’s entire body jerked like a fish that had been electrocuted. Her head snapped back and her spine arched as she screamed, but rough hands took hold of her skull and gripped it in place.

Rinali’s feet drummed against the mattress as her entire body twisted and vibrated. Her screaming was like a teakettle’s whistle trapped in her throat as she bucked and heaved violently, but the hands kept her head down with merciless force.

There was sudden, spreading wet warmth in her crotch just as the pain abruptly disappeared. She’d lost control of her bladder.

“Vinegar always does the trick-- neutralizes lye instantly. Now, let’s work on her hair, the vocal cords and her eyes… our apologies, but we can’t afford to overextend funding, so painkiller usage throughout the procedure shall have to be restricted. Morphine is rather expensive,” the voice chuckled.


++++++

---------------------

yerrrrrrrrrrn ummmmm whuuuuuun

These sounds: even in the haze.

----------------------

But sometimes the sounds--like the pain--faded, and then there was only the dull haze. She remembered the darkness; solid darkness had come before the haze.

The pain was somewhere below the sounds. The pain was east of the haze and south of her jaw. The pain was everywhere. That was all she knew.

For some length of time that seemed very long (and was, since the pain and the stormy haze were the only things which existed) those sounds were her only reality. She had no idea where or who she was and did not care about either. She wished she was dead, but through the pain-soaked haze that filled her mind like a permeating, thick cloud, she did not know she wished it.

As time passed, she became aware that there were periods of non-pain, and these had a cyclic quality. And for the first time since emerging from the total blackness, which had prolonged the haze, she heard noises, which existed apart from her broken consciousness.

“How is our subject doing?”

“Not too bad, General. Her vitals have remained fairly steady.”

Then she would sink back into the clouds and the darkness, welcoming its sweet release from pain.



++++++

“Can you hear me, Sin-eater?”

Her eyelids fluttered.

“Answer if you hear me.”

A moan ground its way out of the swollen, throbbing mass that was her throat. There was a thick layer of gauze wrapped around it, and it made a gentle rasping noise. She was aware of the sensation of something protruding out of the flesh of her right arm, and something else had been clipped onto the first finger of her right hand.

“Good. Very good, Sin. Now, Sin, listen to me very carefully. I’m going to explain to you exactly why you’re here.”

And so the baritone voice spoke, and so Sin listened.

The voice spoke at length. It told her about how, when she had been eight, a small child, she had wandered into an abandonded church.

(the house of the bones)

That church had actually been the site of an ongoing government investigation, the voice explained. They had been researching mysterious activity there. Biological activity.

Biological activity?

Yes, the voice answered. According to their researchers, what they’d discovered was a mysterious life-form closely related to Pokemon. At the moment, they’d simply code-named it S.I.N. Synthetic Intelligent Nanovirus. You see, it was a peculiar organism. It closely resembled Pokemon, but it wasn’t quite the same. It functioned like a virus, a bio-virus that replicated within its hosts’ cells all the way down to the very DNA structure, and it gave them extraordinary augmentations.

Extraordinary augmentations?

Yes. In some cases, when it infected a Pokemon, the Pokemon’s power levels would double, perhaps even triple. The highest level a Pokemon could reach was a hundred, but this virus artificially enhanced it, skyrocketing it to levels past two hundred, or even as high as six hundred power levels.

However, the virus couldn’t have been completely biological in nature, for it had a disastrous effect on the computers the government tried to use on it. It would corrode them, and completely tear apart the machine’s software…in some cases, utterly erasing or corrupting it beyond recognition…leaving behind bizarre images burned into the data itself.

But the most incredible thing, the voice said, was that it was sentient. It could think. It could grow. It could replicate itself. It could evolve. It was an ancient intelligence, one that had apparently been around perhaps before the First Civilization, even! It was perhaps a remnant of the organic material that had soon evolved into intelligent life.

They had tried experiments on Pokemon deliberately infected with Sin. But it turned out that the virus had horrific effects on the body of its Pokemon hosts. What happened was, the voice explained, that the virus made the very flesh of the Pokemon wither and rot away until the host was nothing except bones. It made the host violently throw up and expel its own organic matter until there was nothing left.

The truly terrifying thing about Sin was that it could still control its Pokemon host regardless whether the host was alive or dead. It re-animated the skeleton, the cells, moved it around for its own purposes. It ate flesh, thrived on the flesh of it host. So it was a parasitic virus. It could manipulate and control the body of its host in the advanced stages, and set it upon other organisms, attacking and devouring the corpses, sometimes infecting those corpses, too. Those that had been infected by Sin had been nicknamed the ‘soul-scrapers’. It was a ravenous force that was driven by hunger, and perhaps something more.

They didn’t call it S.I.N. anymore, for it wouldn’t have sounded appropriate in the database of the information agency. The official, confirmed name for the bio-virus had been decided already.

Missingno.

Missingno. Short for “missing number,” as the viral entity was apparently a sub-species of Pokemon, and therefore had no official number or ranking in the official Pokemon registry.

Missingno.

Soul-scraper.

The M-virus.

Sin.

And she had somehow been infected with it when she had blithely wandered into the church as a child.

Congratulations, Sin-eater. You’re the first human soul-scraper to walk the earth.

(writhe)

Wondrous Sableye
13th October 2005, 3:21 AM
O_O So this is what you meant by Missingno as a bio-virus in that one thread… Shweet…One thing that confuses me, though; bones are unable to move by themselves, and cartilages provides very poor leverage. So, wouldn't there ahave to be at least some sort of muscle, or at least ligaments left over?

Heh, the way the 'M-virus' behaves sounds a little similar to The Flood from Halo…total control, whether the host is alive or dead, a sentience that isn't immediately obvious(as with the Gravemind), and the rotting-fleshy-zombie manner of appearance.

Delicious horror all around, Scrappeh. XD

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 3:29 AM
I grew up on a steady diet of Digimon: Digital Monsters and lots of horror zombie manga, so blame Skullgreymon and the Priest for that. 8D I just love the idea of animated skeletons, but as per se, there will be ligaments...like, scraps and slivers of tattered meat in the joints. ^.^ And dangling organs! Wheeeee! *convulses*

Kaizer
13th October 2005, 3:31 AM
Wow...
It's so short, yet so utterly descriptive, and amazing. And you've incorporated a past one-shot into it... I saw no mistakes, but there was no way that I could concentrate on that subject anyways. I was drawn in from what seems like the first sentence and wasn't freed until the last line.
I imagine that the "writhe" part is similar to "shuffle," in that it signifies a change in events, and at the same time, speaks literally.

As for the title- obviously she's been literally bound to this new life, shackled to it if you will. For something not so literal, the pain of becoming new as well as abruptly being ripped from the life and memories she was experiencing; being shackled from her past and identity probably has something to do with it. All of that probably leads her to be bound by the lack of self she now is, and the gap created would be filled by sorrow, which actually allows her to be controlled.

I'm not sure if that's what you intended or not, but that's what I got from it.
Anyways, excellent chapter. I'm glad you've finally gotten into the plot and until next time,
;245;

EDIT- Did you say Digimon? Oh man, I loved that show. Up until the 4th season at least... Oh, and nothings wrong with an animated body that's merely a skeleton moving; it may not be magic, but I'd expect a virus with that much control to be able to group together and manifest itself in enough mass to move something.

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 3:34 AM
The (writhe) now acts as a warning bell of sorts, as it's the movements of the virus within her. ^^ You recall how the writhing happened right before Rinali halluncinated her memories in the cherryblossom orchard? The Missingno was starting to stir slightly, because of her emotions and memories, and triggered the RINALI RINALI RINALI WE WE WE YOU YOU YOU ARE WE ARE WE ARE IN THE HOUSE OF THE BONES episode.

Wondrous Sableye
13th October 2005, 3:40 AM
Yeah, personally, I think season three was best… D-Reaper all the way…XD

Did you say dangling organs? Oh joy. It's all fun and games until someone gets whipped in the eye with a spleen…XD

Okay…psychotic sentience…this be new…XD

Kaizer
13th October 2005, 3:41 AM
The (writhe) now acts as a warning bell of sorts, as it's the movements of the virus within her. ^^ You recall how the writhing happened right before Rinali halluncinated her memories in the cherryblossom orchard? The Missingno was starting to stir slightly, because of her emotions and memories, and triggered the RINALI RINALI RINALI WE WE WE YOU YOU YOU ARE WE ARE WE ARE IN THE HOUSE OF THE BONES episode.

Yeah, or it could be as simple as that. I guess I can't get into your head, but I got close...
...and you completely ignored that thought-out idea on the title...
;245;

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 3:50 AM
Sorry, sorry. XP I'm a little dazed due to having just slipped and almost falling down the stairs in my mad rush to get the door, which just turned out to be my elderly neighbor come to bawl me out for Spam (my cat) getting in her garden again. XD

Annnnnnyways.

You've got it pinned down, as usual. *bows* Rinali is shackled literally to the table, but also shackled by the contract and the virus, a prisoner in her own body. ^^

And YEEAAAAAAAH! Third season rocked. Shinigami and Mother D-Reaper was just too neat for words. 8D You know, part of the inspiration was from the Matrix Digivolving, when their skin flays and peels off, revealing a glowing grid underneath? That's sort of how I'd envision a soul-scraper in the middle of losing its skin cells.

Flaming Lip
13th October 2005, 3:58 AM
“To erase your fingerprints, we’ll be using a useful little solution called sodium hyroxide, or lye. Lye is a basic compound, but it has a ph scale of fourteen, which means it can burn you as easily as acid does. Hold out her hands.” the voice commanded.

Correct me if I am wrong but I thought the lower the ph scale the more acidic something is. Or did I just misread the book I read it from?

Nonetheless a good chapter. I do like how you finally gave the title a meaning and made it stop looking like something there just to be cool sounding (not that I thought that in the first place).

Anyway. I look foward to the next chapter.

If the plot gets any thicker though... Then it will flow slow as molasases

Er yeah.

Love how you just wrote Writhe at the end. Makes the ending seem abrubt

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 4:03 AM
*smacks Lip with a spatula* FOOL! It always takes me forever to think up chapter titles. ;_; *huddles in corner*

Yeah, well, the pot of molasses should hopefully blow up soon. XD Better not wear your best clothes, you'll get yukky brain fluid on it. Not to mention that blood's hard to wash off. 8D

Kaizer
13th October 2005, 4:05 AM
Correct me if I am wrong but I thought the lower the ph scale the more acidic something is. Or did I just misread the book I read it from?


I can answer that one! It still burns because, while acid is more dangerous, something so basic can still shred and tear you body simply because it's so far away from your normal pH, which is 7.2-7.4. Simple science.

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 4:07 AM
Ding ding. And the prize goes to Kaizer. Congratulations. 8D

xXSaberXx
13th October 2005, 7:02 AM
*hugs Digimon plushies* I made my own. Her name is Sablemon and she looks like a tiger with chains. xPPPPPPPP

OMG!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE EXPLINATION! I LOVE IT!

Everything was just.......ARGH! Great! WONDERFUL! I was going to use Missingno in my erm...FIC too...THE FINAL HOENN ARC LOL! But like....Nerrr. It just infects computers and corrupts the whole of Battle Frontier. xP Controlling it.....Heehee... O_o I hopeeeeeeeeee and prayyyyyyyyyy you wouldn't mind if I:

1. Made pokemon infected with it. O_o You gave me a brilliant Idea, but I just wanna know if I can use it. It won't be like...you know, the whole throwing up thing....but much different. I need to know if you'll let me use it as a biological virus though, since you did come up with it. O_o;;;

Okies! ^^ So, great chapter, new developments.....I loved it. Poor, poor Rinali. Poorrrrrr poorrrrrrrr thinggg....*hisses*

O_O What you wrote made me want to yell at you to make a gang of people who combat things infested with the virus. Like, they live in a place outside of Eden with like, Familiars, and stuff. They combat it.....o-o Maybe like, three of them. Three would be good. xP I dunno. Don't take my word for it. You've already written it, so Oh well. BUT THIS JUST SCREAMED FOR A DREAM TEAM! XD Ya know, and maybe Zeffy with them. I HAD A DREAM BOUT THEM ALL SAVING RINALI. (I read this and then took a nap on the keyboard. xD)

La di da.

One little thing here though...


as easily as stripping skins from an onion.

Considering Onion was a singular noun, the adjective of this noun should also be singular. I know Onions have more than one skin, but SKINS just doesn't sound right. It's different, and refreshing, and nice to put in there. But it threw me off. xP Other than that, THUMBS UP. A MILLION TIMES!

*bows to*

*skips off*

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
13th October 2005, 7:05 AM
0_0

*rereads*

O_O

Scrap, each time I read one of your chapters, it replaces the previous one as my idea of perfection. I absolutely love this chappie!

Joshua
PS. Not much of a reviewer, am I?

Kiyohime
13th October 2005, 4:13 PM
Saber, of course you may (for everything you asked)

AND SILENCE FOOL! *covers Saber's mouth* ;_; There IS going to be a sort of dream team later. ^.^;; Two other new characters plus Zeffy. And one of them will be a guy. ^3^

And thank you, Joshua. 8D

Sike Saner
13th October 2005, 8:57 PM
The pain was somewhere below the sounds. The pain was east of the haze and south of her jaw. The pain was everywhere. That was all she knew.

^ That, that right there? That just reads excellently. It just does.

...Alright, now this is the most kick-*** use of Missingno in anything I have ever read...Seriously. Holy crap. Zombie plagues make me smile, you know. Oh, and you know what else makes me smile? Every time you do this:


(writhe)

I love that to death. And that is officially the most insanely righteous end to a chapter I have ever read. It just steps out with a smile. ^_^

...Bah, this is a measly-*** review.... :/ Ugh...that's what I do, though, when I am both shell-shocked by sheer yumminess...and forced to return to the Kingdom of Sticky Keys... >.<

Anyway, boss work, and it's just getting bosser...

jirachiman876
13th October 2005, 10:19 PM
OOOhhhhh. good chappie!!! such awesome use of torturish stuff. Man changing vocal chords without knocking someone out. That's gotta be painful. I swear you are a horror god. Anyway i did find a mistake. and since the chappie was on the llast page I couldn't quote it. (yes I use the fun little quick reply box, gotta love that thing) you spelled hydroxide wrong. Tis how I just spelled it. I really think you mean hydroxide cause I've never heard of hyroxide.
jirachiman out ;385;

Kiyohime
14th October 2005, 12:40 AM
8D Sike Saner, don't worry. ANY comment makes me happy. (OVER TWO-FREAKING THOUSAND VIEWS??? Man, yes, ANY comments make me happy. *glares at the other 90% who are closet readers*)

And Jirachiman, maybe you're right, but it's weird because my spellcheck didn't point it out as wrong. *scratches head*

Saffire Persian
14th October 2005, 5:06 AM
I finally decided to actually start honestly reading the so many good stories that are in here. And Sin, I must say, is one of them. Excellent detail and characters, as well as a very unique writing style. I had to admit, I was taken aback by the first to third person view switches. Normally, they sometimes don't work, but you pulled them off beautifully in a way that makes sense.

Sadly, I have only read the first two chapters, though I already thoroughly admire the tremendous amount of work you've put in the story. I dunno how many people actually tell you they appreciate the sweat and lifeblood a writer puts into a well-written story, but thanks. It means a lot to actually see people writing honest-to-good writing.

May I be added to your Pm List? Thank you.

The characters so far are incredibly realistic, and when you mention Sin, I can't help but shiver. (Am I the only one who gets a mind picture of the Final Fantasy X Sin?) XD... And I love the little quotations you put in from the historic texts. makes things more interesting, realistic, and fun to imagine.

And I can already see the developing relationship in the flashbacks between Zeffy and Rinali (That Paras is hilarious. So is Shriek. Psycho!) I look forward to reading more. Alas, there is only twenty-four hours in a day.

Kiyohime
14th October 2005, 5:08 AM
OMG.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. You can tell I put my sweat and blood into this (as you so perfectly summed up) and I appreciate that so much. The readers are what makes it worth the work. ^.^ Your comments were VERY appreciated my yours truly. *gives a muffin*

Woweee, the PM list just keeps growing. 8D You shall be added.

Quackerdrill
14th October 2005, 6:31 AM
That was amazing, once again. I swear I'm running out of adjectives to describe this... Anyhoo, this was a perfect intro to this new swing this fic is going through, this new path-thingy. (Bleh, awful analogy alert.) Now it seems as if the Affiliation is the true villain, not Rinali's inner demons. Hmmm. Or both. *picks last option*

Okay, the whole chapter taking place through one scene.... brilliant. But the person has a baritone voice... I assume then that the person's voice was deep, but not quite gravelly- I say this from my experience as a choir member- as if it was to be extremely deep, then it would be bass. Yes, I just stated the obvious. *hits self* And quite possibly the best, most crazy-effective similie yet:

...and rolled off Rinali’s ears like dark chocolate.So very intangible, yet it catches the mood so well. Wow.
The whole change-up with Rinali's identity dissapearing and herself as she knew it being completely discarded was a perfect move for this fic and made the transition between story arcs flow smoothly. Now what was once a story of a character's struggle with herself has evolved into a struggle with the world around her- the reversal of conflicts that I talked about earlier.

The description of the entire scene of her pain and suffering was quite possibly packed with the best description I have ever seen... I could feel each one of those painful snaps and shocks by the way you wrote them. Ouch. In fact, the explaination that Rinali no longer felt for herself or cared reminded me instantly of the decimation of her records. Was her state of mind symbolic for her removal of identity? If it was, that was some crazy-effective stuff.

Okay, then there was this:

Then she would sink back into the clouds and the darkness, welcoming its sweet release from pain.Not only was this a brilliant way of putting her emotion into words, it was also brought back, once again, that light/dark theme... Now it so makes sense! Zeffy= Light= Needed for survival!!! Yay! Unless I'm oh-so wrong... Then the reveal of the Affiliation's connection to the church.... Now the effect that the memory had on her makes sense.

And then there's Missingno. Only you could do game terminology so darn well that you can get away with it. Hm. ^_^ But seriously, this has to be the most creative use of the odd creature in any fic. The way you used it's real-life applications to explain its effects was great- and hilarious, in a dry sort of way.

Okle, there's no mistake-o's (Mmmm, Mistake-o's.... I bet they're whole grain!) this time around, so I'll wrap it up. Loved it. Keep on keepin' on.

P.S.

(Am I the only one who gets a mind picture of the Final Fantasy X Sin?)No, you aren't, Saffire Persian... I so thought that too. Also, before reading it the title reminded me at first of Ritual's SiN (an FPS series for the PC). But maybe that one's just because I'm a nerd. XD

indigestible_wad
14th October 2005, 9:22 PM
Ah, many plot bits. It explains why they named her, what the dreams were, and everything else in between. You seem to like to use missingno as a horrible creature don't you? I sort of suspected that it was missingno before you said it, due to the bones that it can manipulate.

THis chapter felt like a change in story, as it felt like you could have just put a prologue in there. It's always a suprize and a pleasure to see those, because it's like reading the same story and a different story all at the same time, and it renews your sense and enjoyment of the story.

GoGoTenda
14th October 2005, 9:45 PM
Aw, now I feel like a poser because of a character in my fic ><


Ah, well....awesomeness as usual. Missingno is totally my bishie, so I feel obligated to send you cookies and brownies now. The torture was nice, but I thought the hazy cloud part was a little long winded :/

*huggles Missningno.*

Kiyohime
15th October 2005, 12:37 AM
To clear up something, I want to say (this is in response to Quackerdrill) that the elements of light and darkness are very symbolic in my story. There's Yin (Lugia) and Yang (Ho-oh,) the Void over which Lugia rules and the Heaven that Ho-oh governs over. They're also known as the Sun God and the Moon Goddess.

Now, Zeffy and Rinali represent the ultimate merging of light and shadow. Zeffy is not wholly light, as she has her own sinister darkness. And Rinali's inner demons are muffling her light. ^^ As they say, light is the shadow of darkness, just as darkness is the shadow of light. Neither can live without the other.

And my profound thanks also goes out to Wad and GoGoTenda! ^^

Ryano Ra
15th October 2005, 1:34 AM
I'm two days without the internet and this is what I miss. The greatness. ;.;

Although it was about 5 1/4 pages long (which made it even better, believe me), I loved it nevertheless. The way you are using Missingno is sheerly captivating, and I think I have a great theory on how it will affect an upcoming Pokemon. Sin sounds very exotic and supernatural, so what more can I say that others haven't? ;.; Very horrificly beautiful chapter, and I shall await for the seventh chapter, however far into the future that may be.

Kiyohime
15th October 2005, 1:50 AM
It's coming next Tuesday or Monday. ^^ PM me your theory, I'm curious, and who knows, it may give me yet more ideas. ^^ I have a lot of action I need to insert in later chapters. XD I've got everything from soul-eating Shedinjas to a raging Arcanine god, but I am always open to other people's ideas.

Ryano Ra
15th October 2005, 2:02 AM
It's coming next Tuesday or Monday. ^^ PM me your theory, I'm curious, and who knows, it may give me yet more ideas. ^^ I have a lot of action I need to insert in later chapters. XD I've got everything from soul-eating Shedinjas to a raging Arcanine god, but I am always open to other people's ideas.Ooohh, a raging Arcanine god, that sounds so exotic and so wildly-like. *dances in cat motions* I just PM my theory, so you can go ahead and take a look? So, for the next chapter, what is the length looking like? I think there'll be lots of upcoming action or something gruesome, but I am always proved wrong when you post them. ;-;

extremegunner
15th October 2005, 3:11 AM
The missing no. you have in your fic is almost like the viruses in Resident evil. It even make zombies, cool... I've read the latest chapter only, haven't read the rest in front but i've been captured by it. Very, very, very interesting storyline and the virus is truly deadly and appropriate... make my Sins looks like childs play.

Kiyohime
15th October 2005, 6:30 AM
Thank you, extremegunner! ^^ I'm glad you thought well of my ideas.

Saffire Persian
15th October 2005, 11:53 PM
Having now finished chapter three, I thought I'd drop by and leave another review, short and scanty as it may be. I like the relationship that's developing between the two, and I will readily admit I laughed when you revealed it was Zeffy who bought that Paras Egg. Psycho could be Rinali's bonded? *is shot*

Of course, I doubt that'll happen, considering what happened at the end of the last scene in chapter three. You stated that the highest level of Bonding (cool concept, BTW. I like those short of things) meant being "as one". I'd say those sudden flashes of feelings would be something akin to that.

Do you even have to officially "know" your bonded somehow for that to happen? Or is it a phenomena that just occurs? MMm.. Minor question, but I would like to know the answer.

There was an error in Chapter 2, I believe, though for the life of me, I cannot find it. But once I find it, I'll point it out to you. (You happened to use a him instead of her, I believe).

Relatively minor all the same, and I love where you're going with this. .. I also want the "Lost Innocence" card with that girl.. She was an awesome psycho gal in that prologue. She definitely deserved her own card.

Saffire Persian
16th October 2005, 12:03 AM
I'm double posting, but so sue me. I feel like it.

Do you know how much Chapter 4 freaked the leaving heck out of me? How? XD... It thought that was some weird part of the bonding process, and she was linked to Psycho's mind after all. (To my credit, it did sound like Psycho's thought patterns. (I had bonding on the brain at the time, so sue me). Isn't that weird? Though I resorted it out after reading it once more.. filling stuff, flashbacks/dream/memory sequences are.

I'm also eerily reminded of Serial Experiments Lain.. And yes, that's a good thing.

0_o...

^ That would mimic my expression pretty darn well, through the chapter.

Of course, now that Zeffy's going all weird-ish about her not having a bonded, that's kind a freaky, too. Fascinating really. I like where you're going!

Kiyohime
16th October 2005, 12:19 AM
The reason Zeffy keeps pestering Rinali abotu getting a Bonded is because it's abnormal for a person to be that old and not have one yet. ^^

As for how Bonding happens...According to the Doublet System, the two souls are like magnets. One human soul, one Pokemon soul. No matter the distance between them, they always somehwo find each other. It's why Shriek is allowed to always be so far away, since there's no fear of losing track. ^^

Eventually, the two un-bonded souls find their way to each other, and they undergo a ritual to "legalize" the Bond. ^^ Not all Pokemon need a Bonded, but all humans do, as the Gods set it. ^^

Kaizer
16th October 2005, 12:53 AM
As for how Bonding happens...According to the Doublet System, the two souls are like magnets. One human soul, one Pokemon soul. No matter the distance between them, they always somehwo find each other. It's why Shriek is allowed to always be so far away, since there's no fear of losing track. ^^

Ok, this is a little random, but that spurred a thought in me. Missingno is technically a pokemon, right? Well, since Rinali had become infected by random, and is obviously influenced by Missingno (and possibly Missingno by her), wouldn't that technically make Missingno her bonded? I mean, the two obviously are very close- even if Rinali doesn't realize it; they share the same body, memories, and always have a link with the other.

Then of course, there's the part where the government just did a chop job of sorts on Rinali to change how she looked and acknowledge that Rinali and Missingno are now one- which could be a sort of ritual, if a very odd one. And it does mean that the bond would be recognized in the eyes of a government.

So adding all that up, wouldn't the two technically be bonded in more than one sense of the word?
;245;

Kiyohime
16th October 2005, 12:58 AM
Yes. ^_^ They're a ghoulish mockery of the Doublet System. But they aren't truly Bonded. This is why all hell's gonna break loose when Yin and Yang get a wind of it.

Also, Missingno isn't exactly a Pokemon in my story...yes, he IS made of the same organic matter...but he's more..."raw." Unformed. Does that make sense? He's like a cancer, he NEEDS organic matter.

Kaizer
16th October 2005, 1:05 AM
Hmmm, sentient cancer...

Now that's scary. I can see how they're not actual bonded, so I'm looking forward to see if she still can get one, and just how the legendaries react. Hello Arcanine God?
;245;

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 2:10 AM
Ring ring. I was going to say something very similar about the Missingno being Rinali's bonded, but since my schedule will start become clouded again (first card marking grades are going in, and I need to make sure my grades are top-notch, plus writing Heavenly Malevolence), could you add me to the PM list? I might miss out on a few updates without it now, since my focus tends to fall on my story more than reading now.

Thank you so much! Oh, also, about Rinali catching the virus while she wandered into the church as a little girl. Does the virus take a considerable amount of time before it starts driving itself into full effect? Because obviously, it must have been growing like cancer cells until the body starts to react in several, different ways.

Kiyohime
16th October 2005, 4:05 AM
Serpent Syra, that will be explored and explained well into the story. I apologize, but you'll all be suffering flashbacks again. ^^; And you shall be added to THE LIST. Dada-chum!

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 4:25 AM
Serpent Syra, that will be explored and explained well into the story. I apologize, but you'll all be suffering flashbacks again. ^^; And you shall be added to THE LIST. Dada-chum!Scrap, I love flashbacks. I use them uncommonly within my upcoming chaptered fanfiction, so you aren't the only one. I was just wondering on that issue, but since it'll be explain and explored further into, I will patiently await. And thank you for adding me! Now, I won't have to worry about missing any updates.

Act
16th October 2005, 2:31 PM
You know, I'm surprised no one's made the connection between the fact that this fic is called 'Sin' and it takes place in a city called 'Eden.' :shrug:

I do like this. I liked the first fic you posted here, too, but that was a long time ago... I haven't really read anything by you since.

I'm at the second chapter right now, just FYI. So excuse me if someone's brought up the sin/Eden thing since.

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 7:41 PM
Actually, I haven't recognized the similarity between Sin and Eden. o.o; I'm assuming that the name Eden must be associated with the sins, unless I have a blank mind.

Kiyohime
16th October 2005, 7:44 PM
It's kind of a ironic connection. Eden's supposed to be a Paradise uncorrupted and now Sin appears. xD

Ryano Ra
16th October 2005, 7:47 PM
It's kind of a ironic connection. Eden's supposed to be a Paradise uncorrupted and now Sin appears. xDWell, I guess that is the connection between Eden and Sin. I would have never expected that, but my mind is focused on my novel, so excuse me.

I shall be awaiting for the seventh chapter. 8D

Wondrous Sableye
16th October 2005, 8:42 PM
XD Read the book of Genesis, Ryano; it'll refresh your memory. Eden was a paradise, but it's also where the original sin was conceived. Get the connection now? XD

Also awaiting Chapter number seven. &D

Act
17th October 2005, 12:49 AM
It's kind of a ironic connection. Eden's supposed to be a Paradise uncorrupted and now Sin appears. xD

It was intentional, though, no? o.o;; I mean, if it was just random, that'd be a little weird...

I was proud of me... usually I can't find hidden symbolicness... ;.; :/

EDIT:

Yay me! xD I /so/ found teh symbolism of DOOM. Damn. I am in such the weird mood!

Kiyohime
17th October 2005, 1:01 AM
No, it WAS intentional. XD Don't worry, you've accomplished finding a hidden symbolism. Though, a note to the unwary-- I'm not actually religious. <<;;

SnoringFrog
17th October 2005, 1:26 AM
Chapters 5 and 6 were both quite good. Especially 5, very interesting. I really like the way you used Missingno. I am really beginning to like this fic now, with more of the plot being revealed.

indigestible_wad
17th October 2005, 1:36 AM
No, really? It's a fairly easy connection, and the fact that you have added sin is in itself a metaphor or simbolism of the garden of eden.

Act
17th October 2005, 1:48 AM
No, really? It's a fairly easy connection, and the fact that you have added sin is in itself a metaphor or simbolism of the garden of eden.

I so beat you to that.

o.o;; Maybe this isn't the best place to be *****ing, but... shouldn't you get your literary devices and their spellings down before you tell me I shouldn't be happy?

Anyway, yay :) I feel special. I know I edited the last post, but I thought I'd give Scrap another one for the postcount. W00twh00t!

indigestible_wad
17th October 2005, 1:49 AM
It was sarcasm, sorry. Intended to be a joke. Nevermind

Saffire Persian
17th October 2005, 4:51 AM
Ok, this is a little random, but that spurred a thought in me. Missingno is technically a pokemon, right? Well, since Rinali had become infected by random, and is obviously influenced by Missingno (and possibly Missingno by her), wouldn't that technically make Missingno her bonded? I mean, the two obviously are very close- even if Rinali doesn't realize it; they share the same body, memories, and always have a link with the other.

Those were my thoughts entirely as I read the last available chapter (Get the next chapter out soon!). And as you replied, it is a perfect mockery of the system. Thanks for answering my question, too.

Ahm. Anyway.

Very nice use of Missingno, as I see you have heard millions of times. Very inventive, and it fits the plot quite nicely. And thank Heaven's her father's dead, or else I'd be tempted to go and kill him myself. To think he'd sell his only daughter to the affiation. Speaking of the affilation, I can't help but wonder what Zeffy's affiliation with the Affiliation (isn't that repetitive?), is exactly.

It also makes me wonder how much Zeffy knew about Rinali in the first place. I'm guessing a lot more then one would think. I'm sure we'll find out about how much exactly in the future.

I look forward to your next chapter! Good luck.

UnholyWeather
17th October 2005, 9:04 PM
I've noticed something about Rinali's reaction towards Zeffy. I'm thinking that Rinali's hatred of Zeffy wasn't entirely her's, but also Missingno's.

Feeling threatened by Zeffy's benevolent aura, Missingno, through Rinali, tried and succeded in pushing Zeffy away. In my eyes this makes sense, but I wanna know if you intended this or maybe I'm just putting too much thought into this.

Kiyohime
18th October 2005, 2:34 AM
YES! YES! YEEESSSS! *shrieks in joy* Whenever Rinali's under extreme stress, the Missingno bleeds through a little. It's why she went apeshit when Zeffy found her in the alley, and why she totally spazzed after the flashback and during the fight. ^^ You get TREMENDOUS kudos for guessing it.

Missingno isn't directly influencing Rinali, however. The Missingno is amplifying her stress since it produces a lot of hormones/chemicals relating to the emotion center of the brain, which is also why Pokemon infected with Sin turn aggressive...and, well, you'll see! ^^

*shakes UnholyWeather's hand and hands a muffin*

Flaming Lip
18th October 2005, 2:40 AM
*wants muffin*

Er... -insert great observation here-

;0;

I do hope that you post the next chapter soon, because its getting very painful waiting. But I wonder, if the Affliation is the dominate power in Eden. Couldn't they have picked someone just born infected with Sin, so it wouldn't have so much as an effect. I mean I understand that Rinali's father gave her to the Affliation, but if they are the dominate power to they really need the invitation?

Kiyohime
18th October 2005, 3:05 AM
The Affiliation is not evil, nor is it benevolently good. Its only concern is for Eden's survival and flourishment, and they aren't exactly the Mafia. Think of them as a pseudo-democratic government without a UN to breathe down their necks. They legally purchased Rinali so there would be no cause for fuss, for Rinali was a CHILD, after all, and you don't pour lye on an eight-year old's hands. XD

I'm basing the Affiliation on a typical democratic government, and adding new things to it. You have the executive branch, the judical branch, the legislative branch, as well as the military branch. Rinali was sold to the military branch since they saw the horrific effects the virus had on Pokemon, and so they're researching her out of scientific interest and to see if they could discover a cure for it.

So, you see...they're not really bad chaps after all. XD

EDIT: The chapter's coming...TOMORROW! *does the bumpty-bumpty-bump dance*

UnholyWeather
18th October 2005, 7:44 PM
Hmmm...Muffin...er...I mean thanks.

I apolagize for the lack of words. When i'm given a compliment i don't usuaslly know how to respond to it.

Can't wait for the next chapter.

Kiyohime
19th October 2005, 12:16 AM
No problem. I can get a little scary when I'm hyper anways. XP *bows to*

Ryano Ra
19th October 2005, 12:18 AM
Well, I shall be waiting here for the seventh chapter, so no need to send a PM. ^.^ That's strange, though; I really got the idea that The Affiliation was totally bad, or at least, that's the vibe you were giving me. o.o;

^.^ New chappie, new chappie! *rampages kindly* 8D

Wondrous Sableye
19th October 2005, 12:35 AM
Oh happy day, caloo, calay…new chapter's coming…

Looking forward to it… But in your explanation of the Affiliation's good/evil nature, you got a redundancy…'benevolent' means good. So, they're not goodly good. In other words, they're not too good at being good. Okay, now I've confused myself…

Mental note: Starting a post with a Lewis Carroll quote leads to whimsicality…which leads to headaches.

Kiyohime
19th October 2005, 1:29 AM
Chapter 7

Bag of Bones


Things began moving at a rapid rate for Sin in the following days. Her vision eventually returned, but she still had difficulty speaking through a guttural rasp. Her fingertips were smooth and polished, with all wrinkles in them utterly erased. They had truly done wonders with her- her hair was jet black with red undertones. Her voice was no longer a light tenor. It had been changed beyond recognition- low and husky, the voice of a different person. Anyone who met her on the streets would assume she was a junkie burnout or an avid smoker…nothing remotely resembling the persona of Rinali Furusato…save for the stormy steel-grey eyes, no longer masked by glasses. And even then, those usually bright eyes were dulled by a haze of drugs.

Now, she was able to truly see what was happening around her. The thing that had been protruding rather painfully from her arm was the tube of the IV drip. It only hurt if she jerked her arm around or prodded at the flesh where it entered (and she had done both out of morbid curiosity). The object clamped onto her finger was a pulse-sensor clip with another tube that fed into the monitoring machine, displaying her heartbeat. Whenever Sin was bored, she would squeeze the clip rapidly and giggle hysterically as the monitor went wild, spiking and zigzagging all over the place.

The morphine addled her rational thoughts just enough so that she didn’t bother to try and ponder a way to escape. Even if she had a way to escape the shackles, and somehow get out of an Affiliation building possibly swarming with armed soldiers and their Bonded, nobody would have known her. It was futile. Rinali Furusato was dead to the world, and the world didn’t give a ****.

A few days later, the General and his team of military scientists came to Sin’s room. Sin rather liked the General, for it had been his voice that had spoken from afar like a distant god, speaking in the rich baritone that Sin had come to know so well. The General was a tall, elderly gentleman with graying salt-and-pepper hair and a neatly trimmed moustache. He was clearly a man of rank and power, as well as being extremely fastidious about his own appearance.

The General pulled up a chair beside Sin.

“Good afternoon, Sin. How have you been?”

“Bored,” Sin rasped. Her throat was still swaddled in gauze. “And my throat still hurts.”

“Yes, yes, dear, I know. I’m quite sorry. The pain will go away soon.” The General patted Sin’s hand kindly. “I’ve come to tell you some more interesting stories, and then I want to show you some things.”

Sin listened quietly as the General spoke. And indeed, what he had to say was intriguing.

Originally, the General said, the church had been scheduled for demolition so they could build a massive apartment complex. And indeed, there was a complex there now. The church didn’t exist anymore. It was gone.

But back then, when they had been marking it out for demolition, the construction workers had come upon an alarming discovery. Buried under the rotting wood of the floors, they had come upon a heavy metal box, wrapped in ancient, primitive key-operated locks and chains. It had caused quite a stir, for it was apparently a relic of the First Civilization.

The construction workers had broken the locks with their tools, and when they opened it, all they had found within was an ancient and extremely musty sack.

“It was a bag of bones.” The General leaned back in his chair, smiling with grim satisfaction.

“Bag of bones?” Sin croaked, surprised and more than a little unsettled.

(we are in the house of the bones rinali)

The General nodded. “It was a sack full of human and Pokemon bones. Femurs, tibias, phalanges, carpals, clavicles, jawbones, and the list goes on and on. At the time, it didn’t seem like much. But opening that box…we opened a literal Pandora’s Box.”

Pandora’s Box. Sin vaguely recalled the myth of a foolish woman that had opened a box, unleashing plague and sickness and death upon the world. All the pains and horrors and evils of the world, contained in a bag of bones. For a brief moment, she thought of that card, the card that Zeffy had hated. The one called Innocence Lost. The one with the image of the girl carrying a sack.

(lovely bones)

The construction workers didn’t think much of the bones at the time. Perhaps they were a little disappointed. At any rate, they only noticed something was wrong when their Pokemon began to suffer mysterious symptoms. They began violently expelling blood after every meal, and turned aggressive.

The Pokemon had been unable to stop throwing up blood. Soon, they were expelling their own internal tissues, and they had rapidly degenerated to a point where they were skin and bones.

The General covered his eyes, recalling unpleasant memories. “The Pokemon turned on each other and on their partners. They ate their own Bonded humans. In the end, what we had was total carnage like nothing we had ever seen before. I’ll never forget it. When we arrived on the site, there was blood everywhere. It was like a massacre. Even our most hardened agents threw up.”

Again Sin’s thoughts went back to Zeffy’s pack of cards. The other card… a field of bones. The House of the Bones.

This was getting far too confusing for her to puzzle out. Sin shivered slightly, and the General noticed. He smiled apologetically.

“Ah, I’m frightening you, aren’t I, dear? My apologies. I’ll see to it that it won’t happen to you. Now, there are some things I want to show you.”

He clapped his fingers, and the door opened again. Sin gasped quietly as she saw the newcomers.

“Sin, it is my pleasure to introduce you to my beloved Bonded. May I formally present Mirth, Malice, and Misery.”

A massive Dodrio towered over the steel table, glaring down at Sin with all three pairs of its crazed eyes. Six black pupils drilled into Sin’s own, and she shrank back, frightened by the unnerving blackness of the Pokemon’s six eyes.

The Dodrio’s three long, slender beaks resembled wickedly jagged swords, and looked easily capable of punching through steel. The triple-headed bird’s terra-colored body was lithe and slender, with a fan of elegant reddish-pink tail feathers.

“He won’t hurt you, but I must advise you against running away, should you ever have the opportunity. My Bonded has a greater capability of surviving in the desert than you do, and he can run up to speeds exceeding a hundred miles per hour on sand. Fleeing is pointless.”

The General quietly nodded to his Bonded. With a final hiss, the large bird strode out of the room, all three heads bobbing and glaring in all directions.

“I warn you, Sin. The worst thing that can happen to you imaginable is to attempt and flee. My Bonded wields unique talents, and he has no compromises about hurting his quarry.You do not want him after you. Do you understand?”

Sin’s mouth was suddenly dry. She swallowed and nodded quietly, utterly defeated.

“Good girl, Sin.” The General’s voice was oddly gentle. “Tomorrow, our tests begin.”

(you are in the deadbook with the rest of them rinali!)



++++++

Days turned into weeks, but the passage of time was erratic for Sin. Sometimes, time trickled by at a maddeningly slow pace, and at other times it slid through her fingers like sand. The gauze bandage was eventually removed, but the heart monitor and the IV drip remained, eliminating regular meals. Her bowel movements were seen to with bedpans brought by the soldiers.

Each morning, she was given a small plastic cup filled with brightly colored pills. When Sin asked the General what the pills were for, the responses she received were noncommittal and vague. However, Sin discovered that whenever she took the pills, her mind sank into a hazy, morphine-tinged blur, and often ensured she had no recollection of the day’s events. There were vague, indistinct images of scientists and doctors pressing electrodes onto her temples or strapping metal bands across her forehead, perhaps sometimes giving her shots of dark rust-colored fluid through hypodermic syringes, but it meant nothing to her. Her mind was carefully kept in a state of semi-drugged limbo, which made her complacent and easy to deal with.

Between the medicines, the morphine addling her mind, and the constant electroshock therapy, her memory gradually began to fade, soon replaced by a throbbing undercurrent of distant hunger that could not be sated by mere food.

Memories of Shiva, Pierrot, Psycho, and Zeffy began to slowly fade away, and within a matter of days, their names meant nothing to her. Memories of her father, the Academy, and God’s Cry also dwindled. Pieces of the former Rinali Furusato’s memory drifted away, lost in the drugged haze. Newer, more primal elements began to ooze in, filling the empty, jagged spaces of lost memory.

Her brain was being reprogrammed bit by bit between the electroshock therapy and the drugs and the hypodermic shots. The M-virus was a spider gleefully scuttling through the hazy corridors of her mind, spinning webs of corruption everywhere, deleting the old for the new. Time was eventually all but lost for the emerging soul-scraper…

---------------------------------------

yernnnnnnnn ummmmmmmm whuuuunnnnnnn

Voices in the haze.

“General, a moment if you please?” An anxious voice.

“Yes, what is it?” The familiar, deep baritone.

“The deoxyribonucleic acid results are in. And…well, there’s something.”

“Is it bad?”

“I think you’d better sit down, General.”

“Tell me.”

“Well…as you know, DNA is a nucleic acid with genetic instructions specifying the development of all cellular forms of life, and it’s always in the form of a double helix—“

“Yes, yes, I know all that.” The baritone was impatient.

“Well…there’s a third strand. It’s a triple helix now. Her DNA is a triple helix, not a double helix. There’s a third strand intertwined with the ATCG strands. We haven’t even begun to figure out what the chemical bases in the third strand are composed of. It’s an alien world. But, General, think of the possibilities! A double helix of DNA determines every living creature’s traits, appearances, abilities, and characteristics in the world, and there’s an almost-infinite range of variety between the Pokemon species, as well as the human species. A third strand…it’s like a new universe within itself.”

“Fascinating development…”


---------------------------------------


One day, Sin was rudely jolted from an uneasy sleep by the thunder of steel-tipped boots and faint shouting. There were four hollow clanks in succession as the shackles that had held her prisoner for three weeks were disengaged.

A bolt of pain flared in Sin’s right arm as the IV tube was yanked out. The clip on her finger was also as unceremoniously yanked off. Sin howled, partly in pain and partly from rage and shock.

Her body had slowly become thin and frail from lack of exercise or solid food. Sin staggered and fell to her knees, but two soldiers yanked her up roughly.

“Move it, you ****! Our security’s been breached!”

Sin hissed at the speaker, but said nothing. The slow, steady hunger had begun to throb through her belly again, and for the first time, her senses seemed eerily acute, aware of the smallest details. Her nostrils flared. She smelt the rank odor of sweat, as well as the more subtle scent of something metallic and coppery. It was the unmistakable scent of blood-- the blood flowing through the men’s arteries, barely covered by thin flesh.

Sin’s mouth tingled as it watered, and she slowly ran a tongue across her lips. She was hungry…hungrier than she had ever been in her life.

Eat.

Eat.

Kill and eat.

(writhe)


++++++

Hundreds of silent alarms buried within the belly of the Affiliation’s research facilities all went off at the same time, blaring a shrill Klaxon.

Hidden security panels slid open, and the steel corridors flooded with the gaseous, putrid floating bulks of Weezings. In the more distant underground floors, shouts echoed amid the thunder of running feet.

“Security breached! There’s a intruder on the loose!”

“Secure the perimeter!”

“Intruder alert! Keep your eyes peeled, troops!”

“Are the emergency measures upstairs activated yet?”

By emergency measures, the speaker was referring to the hordes of Weezings. They were inflated, thin membranes of putrid purple flesh enclosing spheres of swirling gases. Dull, vacant white eyes blinked serenely as the poisonous Pokemon wafted through the air, expanding and shrinking rhythmically as they expelled fetid, toxic gases. The resulting miasma was an additional bonus-- it made it easier to flush out intruders.

As a rule of thumb, Weezings made one of the most simple and efficient emergency measure security systems due to their very nature-- they were prone to exploding without warning when an intruder entered their midst, and the explosions served a number of useful functions.

Firstly, no one wants to be blown to bits by a vacantly grinning creature resembling the world’s ugliest, lumpiest beach ball. Quite an embarrassing fate for an intruder talented enough to slip past the exquisitely honed, multilayered security systems of an Affiliation base of operations to meet.

Secondly, one exploding Weezing creates a chain reaction of explosions among all the other Weezings, effectively warning the soldiers where the enemy is coming at them from.

Thirdly, self-combusting Weezings don’t actually create any fire or smoke, just lots of loud noise and releases deadly toxins in gas form that creep into a intruder’s lungs and render him helpless long enough for soldiers to arrive on the scene.

Unfortunately, there’s one fatal flaw. The natural gases expelled by Weezings contain a large amount of propane, as well as other flammable and combustible gases.

A single intruder armed with a match and a gas mask could, in theory, reduce this oh-so-clever emergency measure to a smoking, burning crater. Unfortunately, it’d be impossible to attempt this in reality unless the intruder was somehow protected against a fiery explosion strong enough to blow a Rhydon’s stone armor to bits. Which, again, was impossible since no human could survive the high temperatures that Rhydons are capable of enduring.They’d know-they’d been burrowing in the magma under the earth’s crust with their drilling horns for as long as their species had existed.

And matches had been rendered obsolete by lighters and propane torches. Not to mention hairspray. And Typhlosion.

Fortunately, Zeffy Fujihara was armed with a match. She had also taken the wise precaution of purchasing a gas mask for only twenty bucks at a hardware supplier in the Old Pyrite district.

And Zeffy Fujihara wasn’t exactly an ordinary human, either. That should have been quite obvious by now.


++++++

Zeffy Fujihara grinned widely. The grin was hidden behind the twin respirators of her gas mask, but oh,what a grin it was to behold.

She stood upon the roof of the highest skyscraper of the complex that all of Eden knew as EDEN BANKING INDUSTRIES. In reality, this complex was the Affiliation military research facilities. Perhaps the citizens of Eden were better off not knowing that the “money” in the so-called banking company vaults were actually rows upon rows of canisters of highly explosive and flammable solutions used in the Affiliation’s experiments.

Zeffy Fujihara knew this.

Zeffy also happened to know that in every corridor of every floor of the building under her, the air was jammed with the noxious gases and the creatures that expelled them. At the very bottom of the building were the central vaults containing the explosive, flammable solutions.

Zeffy also knew that the particular building she was standing upon had corridors and air ducts connecting to every other building in the area. This building was like the center of a spiderweb, connecting everything with open airways. There would also be Weezings in those other buildings.

There was a large, thick pipe protruding from the surface of the roof Zeffy was standing upon. The opening of the pipe was very large, and very convenient for dropping things in.

Things such as matches, for instance.

And this very pipe fed into all of the air ducts of all the corridors of all the floors of this building. It also led straight down into the central vaults, where all the nice, explosive, flammable solutions were stored. That was very convenient.

Very very very convenient, indeed.

That was a shitload of explosive, flammable solutions.

That was a shitload of explosive, flammable gases mixing in the air.

That was a shitload of explosive, flammable Weezings.

That was a shitload of air ducts, corridors, and floors.

Zeffy Fujihara grinned behind her gas mask.

In one black-gloved hand, Zeffy held a match. In the other black-gloved hand, she held a piece of rough sandpaper. Her pastel-pink and orange streaked hair whipped around in the high-altitude winds.

In front of her, the open pipe.

Under her, the biggest bomb in the world.

Above her, leaden grey skies.

Behind her, a steep drop.

Zeffy Fujihara’s grin grew even wider behind her respirators.

Zeffy struck the match against the sandpaper. It leapt to life in a small, unimpressive sputter of orange flame.

“Time flies. Time dies,” Zeffy murmured. “Fire in the hole, you assholes!”

She dropped the match into the pit.

Flaming Lip
19th October 2005, 2:01 AM
Pandora’s Box. Sin vaguely recalled the myth of a foolish woman that had opened a box, unleashing plague and sickness and death upon the world. All the pains and horrors and evils of the world, contained in a bag of bones. For a brief moment, she thought of that card, the card that Zeffy had hated. The one called Innocence Lost. The one with the image of the girl carrying a sack.

(lovely bones)

"The construction workers didn’t think much of the bones at the time. Perhaps they were a little disappointed. At any rate, they only noticed something was wrong when their Pokemon began to suffer mysterious symptoms. They began violently expelling blood after every meal, and turned aggressive."


You need quotes there.

Good chapter. Truely scary in some parts. Though, for some reason the ending seemed a bit rushed. And I really think its a bit stupid to use shitload during the narrative part of the story as, it makes it seem more conversersational, and thus a borderline breach of the fourth wall of writing.

Nonetheless good work.

Kaizer
19th October 2005, 2:27 AM
Ooohh, Zeffy's a bad girl. And I like! Stuff that goes boom is one of my greatest passions. And that's a big boom!

Now, my only question from this stupendous chapter: Is it for revenge, or Rinali?

Also, the title:
It should be pretty self-explanatory this time; that's the effect on SIN on something. Oh, and maybe about how both Rinali and Zeffy seem to be like bags of bones with brains. At the very least Rinali, who is now a puppet, and you know, bones are Sin's puppets. Therefore, Rinali is a bone puppet.

And that's it for this installment of praise the author. Tune in next week when we bow down to her!
;245;

Kiyohime
19th October 2005, 2:56 AM
XD You're right, but there's one thing you also missed-- the bag of bones also refers to the sack of bones. ^^ First it was dragged around by the crazy little girl in the prologue, and now it turns up in a church...eerie concidence. *cough*

Kaizer
19th October 2005, 2:59 AM
...Dangint! I missed the most obvious part. The one that you spelled out in the story! I'm an idiot... Oh well. *starts waiting until next week*
;245;

EDIT: Oh, and I think the Affiliation is wrong. Rinali isn't the first soul scraper; she's at least the second.

Kiyohime
19th October 2005, 3:03 AM
AH AH AH! *warning bells go off* No, Rinali isn't the first soul-scraper, but she's the first HUMAN soul-scraper. ^^

Kaizer
19th October 2005, 3:26 AM
AH AH AH! *warning bells go off* No, Rinali isn't the first soul-scraper, but she's the first HUMAN soul-scraper. ^^


That was a typo... I meant human, not second period. And if she really is the first, then who was that girl from the beginning? Wasn't that girl a human from the first civilization?

So, yeah. Any of those mistakes that I've come up with tonight, I'm gonna blame that you've taken me away from manga and tv, ok. That, and for the first time in what feels like years, I'm almost happy. Dunno why though...
;245;

Kiyohime
19th October 2005, 3:28 AM
AH! No, I can indeed assure you that Rinali is the first human soul-scraper. The human in the prologue is just that, a human. XD

And I'm happy you're happy. o.o *hands lolly* You can go back to TV and manga now. XD

BrokenDreams
19th October 2005, 4:50 AM
Good as expected from you Scrap! What a cliffhanger.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
19th October 2005, 7:01 AM
O_O

Wow Scrap, you do nothing but improve with every chapter. Remind me never to read your work at night, it's scary enough during the day. ;)

Once again, a wonderful piece of work.

Joshua

BenJS
19th October 2005, 1:11 PM
Excellent

*Mr Burns moment XD*

But seriously, there really isn't a better way to describe it. You are one incredibly awsome author. I love how you've incorporated old legends (Pandora's box, Eden and Sin) and all the symbolism, though it's taken the others to point it out for me to get most of it.

Perhaps the girl from the prologue manage to catch Missingno in the bag while it was still in the bones, and then hid it beneath the church before she died. Maybe Missingno and the soul-scrapers were the result of first civilisation experiments, in that Missingno had been around since the beginning of life itself (as speculated in the story) and it was because of the experiments that it longed for the flesh and when attempting to take it from another creature is overcome with basic instincts like hunger and aggression. Maybe it's been waiting for the right person to come along and give it what it wants, Rinali in this case?

But then again, perhaps not...>_<

Could you add me to The List? Pwetty pwease with a chewwy on top? XD

Elemental Charizam
19th October 2005, 5:03 PM
Hold the phone, weren't Soul scrapers supposed to be charismatic, beautiful creatures who lure people then kill them? Surely rotting pokemon aren't either? Or have I got mixed up? O_O

That chapter felt awfully short, but that might just be because it was o absorbing. Somehow, I'm not sure that Zeffy is going to save Rinali... Dropping a match into a building full of explosives that contains somebody you want to save would be a bit of a mad thing for a person to do.

Then of course, Zeffy can't be human, 'cause Rinali is the first human soul-scraper ;)

Yes, I'm sticking to that theory, no matter what! :p

PsiUmbreon
19th October 2005, 9:26 PM
Yeah, I feel like I owe you a review, since I sorta know you and all, and you even helped me get started on my fic. (Whaaaaat?! PsiUmbreon has a fic?!)

Anyways, you put almost every writer in here to shame, including me. Let me start by saying that.

Obviously, this fic is pwnage. I'm a big fan of post-apocalyptic settings, anti-social characters with serious issues, and evil organizations that rule everything. And this has all three :D

I like the symbolism with Eden and Sin, and I would also like to be the first to add something to the pointed out symbolism: Seems to me that this Eden is a deceptive paradise and never really was pure, since this Affiliation rules everything. One can only wonder what you are trying to say about the "real" Eden... ;)

Saffire Persian
19th October 2005, 10:27 PM
0_o... Fire in the hole! *ducks*

Zeffy is definitely something else. Her characterization is becoming more and more complex, I see. I still like her, and she definitely is not all she seems to be. What she actually is, I don't quite know, but I like the suspense.

I also like her ideas concerning how exactly to "break in" to the affiliation. With her blowing up the place, I now consider explosions a peace of art, and I realllly look forward to that big one.



That was a shitload of explosive, flammable Weezings.

Through all the dramatic tension and suspense in this chapter, that one sentence was very amusing to me.

Getting off the lighter side, very well done chapter... I couldn't find any mistakes so far, but everything is starting to come together. Rinali's condition is something I didn't quite expect, though I should have (As in, those pills making her lose her memory). Unexpected, but very logical.

And the Dodrio.. I LOVE those things, and I love how you named all three heads. He could be a very interesting character in himself... and I have no doubt he does very well and bringing back anyone that tries to escape. Does Pursuit work on Humans, I wonder?

Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter as always, and enjoy even more your frequent updates.

Ryano Ra
19th October 2005, 11:04 PM
Now that was just a horrifying chapter of beautiful art.

Zeffy is starting to blossom into a morbid, macabre woman that is just utterly malignant. She's becoming more and more unfriendly, which I love. Sin (formerly Rinali) is starting to change as well, for the better in my opinion, so your characterization building is starting to jump up to divine heights. I felt as though the words "explosives, flammable, and gases" were used too frequently, which did bring it down a little. But, it all seemed to pick nicely at the end, especially those bold statements. I really can't wait for the next chapter because this has stolen my heart. 8D Outstanding job, Scrap!

Kiyohime
20th October 2005, 12:45 AM
Thank you so much, Saffire Persian and Ryana Ra, and Joshua...and Psiumbreonnnnnn! *glomps* You didn't HAVE to review, you know. XD

Ben and Elemental Charizam have good theories. ^^ But I wish to clarify some things first. ^_^

Now, do you remember WHO told us all that soul-scrapers were beautiful, charismatic people?

Rinali's father, Hideki Furusato.

Who does Hideki Furusato work for?

The Affiliation!

Who in the story is beautiful and charismatic?

Zeffy Fujihara.

Is Zeffy a soul-scraper?

No. Because she isn't throwing up blood and eating people. ^^

Is Zeffy Fujihara human?

Yes. An extraordinary one, but still human nonetheless. Let me stress: Zeffy is a HUMAN. ^^ Not a soul-scraper.

So why do you think Hideki was telling his daughter distortions about soul-scrapers? You may find out as the story progresses. ^^

Why do you think Rinali felt so uncomfortable around Zeffy when they met (and still do?) Because, subconsciously, she's still deeply afraid of the stories her father told her. Zeffy is beautiful and charismatic. So beautiful and charismatic people sets Rinali on edge.

I hope I've cleared up any confusion. *bows to everyone* ^^

Sike Saner
20th October 2005, 6:47 PM
Awesomeness...Except now, Weezing is kinda scary...o.o Great, nasty horde of smiling BOMBS...ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG!

...Okay, not scared of the Weezing anymore. :p

Now, I'm stuck in a kind of irking state of wondering whether or not you're really going to allow the nice, loud, fiery explosion to take place...Meh, I just like 'splosions. What can I say? :D

Kiyohime
21st October 2005, 12:22 AM
Of course I'm going to describe the explosion in beautiful detail, otherwise I wouldn't have built up so much to it. ^^ this is Scrap at her description whor-ing best. Enough flammable description to make your eyes bleed and your spleen boil and your lungs explode...

...okay, I think I made my point. XD

Oh, and an ANNOUNCEMENT!

*stands on soap box*

Attention, ladies, gentlemen, and fungi. I will be gone until Sunday evening, starting tomorrow. (Well, right now it IS tomorrow for me....but whatever. XD) so don't worry, I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth or anything. Not that anyone would notice, really. XD

Ouallada
21st October 2005, 3:18 PM
The first portion of the prologue was cheesy. Yin-Yang associated with pokemon? If I were to take you seriously on that, would I not be better off associating the creation of all that is to emanate from Lugia and Ho-Oh? What would be next, panspermia by outer space Pikachus? I realise the need for dramatisation of your story, but there is little need for being more grandiose than is needed.

Now I realise that you are a pretty good writer, as can be seen from your work thus far, but horror and Pokemon are a no-go together. It is like mixing The Incredibles with realistic violence, which would be absurd. I realise that it is only natural for a creature to bleed and such after getting clawed, but you must understand there is a reason that Tom and Jerry have survived so many years as a cartoon. Your readers may like it, but this would never make it in the real world.

I have only read the first couple chapters, as I am short of time, and I can say that the standard does not always adhere to that set by the prologue. Too many short sentences. Done with flair, but still too short nonetheless. Flow becomes staccato, and takes away from the fiction.

I hope to see improvements when I return. 8.5/10. For now.

Kiyohime
21st October 2005, 3:33 PM
Thanks for reviewing, but I'm not going to bend backwards for you. "I hope to see improvments when I return?" Perhaps you didn't intend to, but that was quite arrogant of you, as I have already worked on this stoty's concept and plot since early 2005 and have prewritten more than half of it already. I certainly am not going to go through all of the chapters and change them. :/

Horror and Pokemon can mix. Romance and Pokemon can mix. Any genre is allowed. This is a story which uses imagination. I'm sorry if this is too much "creativity" for you. I'll go and whip up a bland, boring, generic Pokemon journey adventure where the flowers are pretty and pink and the sun shines and people hold hands and sing songs and Zangoose skip through the grass with daisies in their fur.

Thank you for reviewing, and thank you for being honest. ^_^

Ouallada
21st October 2005, 3:48 PM
Uh-uh. Romance and pokemon can mix, but the very ethos of Pokemon does not make for inculcation of horror.

It is not in my idea that you do anything or bend over backwards. My advice is all on the table. You can listen or you can ignore. Simple as that. You can choose to listen only to those who praise you to high heavens, or someone who is being brutally honest. You have skill, but the application in this work is missing.

Note that I rated for now. When I continue reading, I will rate accordingly. I would not presume to call it arrogance on my part. If you would prefer pawing mistruths you can look elsewhere. I call it opinionated.

What you call creativity I call eccentricity. Granted, horror and a light-hearted premise can work, but under extreme skill and guidance, and it is up to you to decide whether you have it. Could you picture violence and gore in The Incredibles, no matter how creative the writer is? The ethos does not allow for easy assimilation of that. Resident evil? Great, because that is what it is all about. For stories, you use what you have and enhance those points, you do not try to imbue that which you wish to have or feel a need to include. You do fictions for fun, so you can do what you want, but I am just saying that this would not succeed in the outside world. Again, you can accept, or ignore. I do not mince my words for anyone. Thanks.

Kiyohime
21st October 2005, 11:31 PM
When I started writing this story, I had a specific idea of the events and the setting. I found it an interesing indea to base the "world" of this fanfiction on the Heaven-Hell, Moon-Sun, Yin-Yang concept of some religions, and created a new system for this "world." Having a two-god system seems far less "grandiose" to me than having four separate sets of legendary trios, Lugia, Ho-oh, Latios, Latias, Deoxys, Jirachi, Mew Celebi....the list goes on and on. I'm exploring different things, and this is the result.

If I was to prune out all of the realistic, eerie, scary, etc-- aspects of the story, it would utterly destroy what I'm trying to achieve. "Making improvements" by censoring out the horror aspect is going backwards, not forwards. However, I'm fully prepared to take your advice about using too much sentences. I'm always seeking to improve my writing, which is why I welcome reviews from the likes of Negrek or you or anyone else.

Also, this is Pokemon fanfiction, so I'm already aware this won't be applicable to the outside world, due to copyright issues. XD What this story means to me is starting something and carrying through with it to the end, since this is the first chaptered stoey I've done. I usually do one-shots, so as you can see, I'm still settling into a chaptered format. ^^

Ryano Ra
21st October 2005, 11:31 PM
But yet, it is not your statement that it will never make it into the real world. You cannot say that Pokemon and Horror will not mix; that's only an opinionated statement. We all have opinions in life, but you seem to know everything. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes, it's best that you close your mouth rather than stating such opinions. It isn't your job to declare what can mix with Pokemon. You might as well say Fantasy and Pokemon wouldn't mix at all, so why don't you stop while you're ahead? This goes to Ouallada.

Anyways...back to business. Such arrogant people. >>;

Well, I hope you will return safely on Sunday or Monday (whenever you return) because I'd like to ask so many questions to have your brain pumping with thought and imagination. 8D

Wondrous Sableye
22nd October 2005, 12:30 AM
This guy just joined yesterday and he's been throwing 'this ain't good' reviews all over the place. Just because he's a freelance editor, apparently he thinks that he is therefore a flawless reviewer. The two are not the same.

Looking forward to the big BOOM in the next chapter, Scrappeh. ^_^

indigestible_wad
22nd October 2005, 3:55 AM
Sorry for the late review, but I've been busy.

compromises about hurting his quarry.You do not want You might want to put a space in between those sentences.

Great, great. I was right all along. I think. Zeffy is here for Rinali. Then aagin it is possible she just went after the affiliation for other reasons. Does the affiliation know that drugging Sin and erasing her memories is just making her open for what's inside of her?

And while we're at it, is everything in those parenthases supposed to be lower case?

Ouallada
22nd October 2005, 8:21 AM
I found it an interesing indea to base the "world" of this fanfiction on the Heaven-Hell, Moon-Sun, Yin-Yang concept of some religions, and created a new system for this "world."

By basing your fiction on Yin-Yang has nothing to do with heaven and hell. Do read up on Yin-Yang first.


If I was to prune out all of the realistic, eerie, scary, etc-- aspects of the story, it would utterly destroy what I'm trying to achieve. "Making improvements" by censoring out the horror aspect is going backwards, not forwards.

I am not knocking the fact that you are doing your best in achieving what you intend to, which is great. The problem is, and always will, lie with the fact that your vision is incompatible with reality. Simple as that.


But yet, it is not your statement that it will never make it into the real world. You cannot say that Pokemon and Horror will not mix; that's only an opinionated statement. We all have opinions in life, but you seem to know everything. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes, it's best that you close your mouth rather than stating such opinions. It isn't your job to declare what can mix with Pokemon. You might as well say Fantasy and Pokemon wouldn't mix at all, so why don't you stop while you're ahead? This goes to Ouallada.

After your philosophical discourse, you are still no closer to refuting the accepted fact of confounding to literary and creative boundaries. That is why you do not see singed skeletons in The Incredibles. That is why Tom and Jerry have their invulnerability. That is why the blood and gore is left to Resident Evil and others of that genre. Fantasy and Pokemon do not mix? Please stop with the poor arguments, not helping you at all. Pokemon itself is an offshoot of fantasy, as the latter simply means anything imaginative. Treat pokemon simply as a childish fantasy story, and you will understand. You should stop when you are behind lke this.


This guy just joined yesterday and he's been throwing 'this ain't good' reviews all over the place. Just because he's a freelance editor, apparently he thinks that he is therefore a flawless reviewer. The two are not the same.

Do not like the reviews? Well, carry on living your dream, assuming that everything the "writing elite" here, by which I refer to the posse of writers here who assume leadership and garner reviews based on their ability, but also on their connections, are the best around. I will just help them wake up and smell the coffee. Do not like it, boo-hoo, cry me a river.

Wondrous Sableye
22nd October 2005, 9:29 AM
Do read up on Heaven and Hell, Ouallada; they're very different places.

Pray tell, man, do you have any grasp whatsoever of the word 'fiction?'

Y'see, unlike you, Ouallada, Scrap isn't really arguing so much as she is providing 'counterpoints.' Pok&#233;mon does not have to be 'childish.' In fact, the majority of the fans over eleven would probably say the opposite—that it should be less childish.

People write these stories for fun. In ther own freetime. Not to be rude, but it really seems like you're the one who's behind; you joined two days ago, for Pete's sake.

—.— Okay, now it's getting to the point where you're just putting words in my mouth. Lemme give it to you straight. I'll even put it in one-line sentences, so that it's reeeal easy for your small, ignorant mind to comprehend:

I have never said that the writers here are the best.

Everyone disagreeing with you is typically a sign that you are wrong and need to shut the frack up.

You are not helping anyone.

You are hurting your own reputation here.

People write these stories for fun, not to make a living.

There is no such thing as a Writing Elite.

Particularly not in the way you describe it, you freakin' conspiracy theorist.

If you think you're helping anyone, you're dead wrong.

And apparently I'm not the only one twisted enough to stay up past three in the morning.

In conclusion:

Get better reviewing skills or be the hell quiet.

Ouallada
22nd October 2005, 10:01 AM
Heaven and hell have notations of good and evil. Not yin-yang. Get facts right, before you ramble. I know more about heaven and hell than you could dream of. From Jewish to Babylonian religions, and their interweaving with the Christian mythos, I know most of the theories. Please stop biting off more than you can chew.

Pokemon should be less childish? When you get the difference between being less childish and encroaching on a different genre entirely, then return to speak.

Please, how many authors are sustained by friends who scratch each others' backs? Harsh reality of life, but you do not have such friends in the real writing world. So live with it or jump ship.

Everyone disagreed with the notion that the world was round. What happened? Everyone disagreed that the Sun is the centre of our galaxy. What happened? I may not be Copernicus, but you are even less qualified than the disagreeing scientists of the day. People disagree, does not mean they are right. You disagree, you think that I am absurd, you think that the works here by certain authors are faultless, then why bother responding and soliciting responses from me? Haha.

Of course I am not helping anyone. I cannot do the writing for them. They have to help themselves. Either wake up to reality, or continue living in a well.

Of course there are elites in writing, just as there are in every field. Do not be absurd. I am just saying that the elites here are not as great as made out. Simple as that. I have backed everything up with examples and reasoning. You back yours up with incoherent rambling.


Pray tell, man, do you have any grasp whatsoever of the word 'fiction?'

Y'see, unlike you, Ouallada, Scrap isn't really arguing so much as she is providing 'counterpoints.' Pok&#233;mon does not have to be 'childish.' In fact, the majority of the fans over eleven would probably say the opposite—that it should be less childish.

Do I know what fiction is? Rhetorical or simply incoherent rambling like the rest of your words?

Scrap provided counterpoints, while I stated examples of their failings, which you fail to notice. Huge leap between being less childish and embracing the macabre, so until someone reasons how and WHY the leap is validated, live with the truth, that you cannot counter points about sticking to a literary ethos. Personal opinions are fine, as Scrap can carry on doing horror if she wants to, but I am saying it is not going to make it in the real world, simple as that. A person may feel he is going to do great as the president, and that is validated as a personal opinion. Does that make it factual? Same thing here. While I am backed up by countless literary examples and creative examples of how writers stick to the spirit of the genre, all you argue on is personal opinion and the freedom of creative writing, which i have afforded Scrap in the first place. Never said she could not do it, but that it would not be permissable in the real world.

Stop getting so protective. Save some of that energy for your own fiction, if you have one. Judging from your great arguments, and the fact that you start a rambling through PM and then run away like a scalded dog, you are going to need it.

Flaming Lip
22nd October 2005, 8:05 PM
Heaven and hell have notations of good and evil. Not yin-yang. Get facts right, before you ramble. I know more about heaven and hell than you could dream of. From Jewish to Babylonian religions, and their interweaving with the Christian mythos, I know most of the theories. Please stop biting off more than you can chew.

Pokemon should be less childish? When you get the difference between being less childish and encroaching on a different genre entirely, then return to speak.

Please, how many authors are sustained by friends who scratch each others' backs? Harsh reality of life, but you do not have such friends in the real writing world. So live with it or jump ship.

Everyone disagreed with the notion that the world was round. What happened? Everyone disagreed that the Sun is the centre of our galaxy. What happened? I may not be Copernicus, but you are even less qualified than the disagreeing scientists of the day. People disagree, does not mean they are right. You disagree, you think that I am absurd, you think that the works here by certain authors are faultless, then why bother responding and soliciting responses from me? Haha.

Of course I am not helping anyone. I cannot do the writing for them. They have to help themselves. Either wake up to reality, or continue living in a well.

Of course there are elites in writing, just as there are in every field. Do not be absurd. I am just saying that the elites here are not as great as made out. Simple as that. I have backed everything up with examples and reasoning. You back yours up with incoherent rambling.



Do I know what fiction is? Rhetorical or simply incoherent rambling like the rest of your words?

Scrap provided counterpoints, while I stated examples of their failings, which you fail to notice. Huge leap between being less childish and embracing the macabre, so until someone reasons how and WHY the leap is validated, live with the truth, that you cannot counter points about sticking to a literary ethos. Personal opinions are fine, as Scrap can carry on doing horror if she wants to, but I am saying it is not going to make it in the real world, simple as that. A person may feel he is going to do great as the president, and that is validated as a personal opinion. Does that make it factual? Same thing here. While I am backed up by countless literary examples and creative examples of how writers stick to the spirit of the genre, all you argue on is personal opinion and the freedom of creative writing, which i have afforded Scrap in the first place. Never said she could not do it, but that it would not be permissable in the real world.

Stop getting so protective. Save some of that energy for your own fiction, if you have one. Judging from your great arguments, and the fact that you start a rambling through PM and then run away like a scalded dog, you are going to need it.


Claiming that everyone thinks Scrap is a flawless writer is about at ignorant as actually believing that.

Pokémon isn't a genre, its a topic, if we were limited by a topic to what we write than where would we be? Someone could write about the Victorian Ages claming what a brilliant time it was, and someone could write about that same time, and talk about the awful jobs, and the amount of poor people there are. Both writings would be different in tone despite the being of the same topic.

The Victorian Era is a broad topic, and so is Pokémon. Some locations, such as Mount Pyre, aren't the happy go-go areas that you think Pokémon should be, someone could write about that, and someone could write about a happy part of it.

So you see, you seem only out to claim that all of us think some authors are flawless. Not at all, in my opinion, my favourite author is Jonathan Stroud, and his writing is far superior to some of the stuff here, and he has flaws in his writing. So don't scream of ignorance when said claim is as ignorant (as well as unfounded) of the ignorance you claim of. As well, when I reviewed, if you bothered to check, I pointed out what I didn't like about the chapter, surely if I think Scrap's a flawless writer, I would not notice that, or not say a thing about it, because, as you say EVERYONE thinks Scrap is flawless. So no, the posse you claim to exsist is simply another one of your ignorant claims. It would not be tactful, I'd think to try to refute, because if you find flaws in what I say, it won't change anything, because no one's opinions would change.

*tips hat*

Good day.

And Scrap, post the chapter soon

EDIT: and I hope you don't consdier this post a flame.

Ouallada
22nd October 2005, 8:22 PM
Please stop with the moral discourse.

Mount Pyre beind an unpleasant place is completely different from digressing from the genre's grounded roots. No one believes that Scrap is flawless, please stop putting words in my mouth on that subject. People who consider themselves her friends would tend to be kinder, and accept flaws easier. That is the point. Sad truth of life, too bad.

Your argument about the Victorian Era is void, because pokemon is not history, and neither does it have any groundroots in any form of fact, for that matter. I am talking about how the simple literal ethos of Pokemon and any other that falls within a similar genre cannot allow for a bending of the rules by encroaching on a polar opposite, like how a Richard Laymon novel has gore-drenched pages, while eschewing opportunities for decidedly happier character choices. Why does he go for the macabre even though chances are present to add your revered "reality" and have a few happier things happening here and there? On the other hand, you are talking about a period of time that is open to personal opinion. Different topic entirely. Get on topic first, before trying to win your battle.

On the subject of friends being nicer to each other, it is unwritten knowledge. If you want me to point out some examples, I could, but it will not be pleasant. Pointing out what is wrong gramatically is one thing, but how many people actually point out other flaws beside that? Much easier to hammer the fiction that your friend did not write eh? Again, examples can be given. Would be ugly again.

Wondrous Sableye
22nd October 2005, 9:00 PM
Has it occurred to you for even one moment you may be consummately wrong, Ouallada? Copernicus is a moot point, and what's more, your arguments are starting to contradict each other. You said 'you'll help,' and yet one post later you're saying you're completely aware that you're not helping.

'No ground roots in the form of fact,' my eye. Just about everything in the Pok&#233;mon games, cartoon, and manga has a real-world counterpart. The legendary Pok&#233;mon are based around mythological creatures (like the Behemoth, the Leviathan, golems, phoenixes, dragons), there are businessmen in the regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Orre, people have jobs, there are wildlife preserves…the list goes on.

Pok&#233;mon is not a genre. If you were to go to any public library you would discover that there is no 'Pok&#233;mon section.' There would be a horror section and a science fiction section and a romantic novel section, but not a Pok&#233;mon section. Why is that? Because Pok&#233;mon isn't a bliddy genre.

Somebody should try taking his own advice and getting on topic himself; because that someone has started a chain of posts that may well degrade into SPAM.

Actually, it's easier to hammer the person that put no work whatsoever into their story, types like a caveman, and incessantly posts SPAM.

You have actually said people think the writers here are flawless on several occasions. Do you bother to read over your own posts? It is implied in and can be inferred from just about every one of them. You are arrogant to the last degree.

Do you know why I added you to my Ignore List after after you replied with three of the most pseudointelligent messages I have ever seen? Because I noted that you ignore any and all legitimate points made against you and simply bring actual irrelevancies into the discussion. Therefore, attempting to reason with you is like reasoning with a brick wall, and from that we can conclude that you are a lost cause and not worth the space in my Inbox.

Pointing out what is grammatically incorrect is one of the few things that can be done this early in the story. Later on there will be opportunities to critique the actual storyline.

As for your earlier 'Yin-Yang/Heaven-Hell' argument, several writters here apply this idea in some way. You are attempting to reverse what progress has been made since the forums came back up nearly two years ago.

Now kindly leave us all to our 'delusional,' 'biased' reviewing.

Ouallada
22nd October 2005, 9:29 PM
Has it occurred to you for even one moment you may be consummately wrong, Ouallada? Copernicus is a moot point, and what's more, your arguments are starting to contradict each other. You said 'you'll help,' and yet one post later you're saying you're completely aware that you're not helping.

Copernicus is just an example of the fact that the number of people counts for little, while validity counts for more. Yeah, if you noticed, I said I would help authors wake up and improve. However, if no one wants to listen, how can I possibly be helping then? Write the fiction for them? Please stop being ridiculous.


'No ground roots in the form of fact,' my eye. Just about everything in the Pok&#233;mon games, cartoon, and manga has a real-world counterpart. The legendary Pok&#233;mon are based around mythological creatures (like the Behemoth, the Leviathan, golems, phoenixes, dragons), there are businessmen in the regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Orre, people have jobs, there are wildlife preserves…the list goes on.

You trying hard to give me ammunition? Thank you. Who was talking about the individual components? If you can find me a real-life counterpart for Pokemon as a whole, then we return to this point. For your info, anything not realistic is counted as fantasy. So, Dawn of the Dead was a social commentary, with points like nihilism, communism and so on being played out subtly. Just because the show is based on the real world means it has roots in reality as a whole? Ok, go find me a zombie right now, thanks. And find out why the dead are walking the earth while you are at it.

Library? That is because Pokemon has a primarily visual medium. Please stop asking stupid questions. It is like asking why we do not see "Red Eye" in the library under suspense or thriller, when the fact that it was a movie first and foremost stares you in the face. Oh, your library has no comic section, or children's section?

Well, I said that authors here rely on each other as friends, helping each other, and that entails being noticably nicer to each other as a result. Win-win situation. You can imply what you want, but do not degrade me by inferring on my behalf.

I am also cognizant to the fact that someone might be SPAMming. In fact, you can PM me asking how to refute my arguments, because all of yours have either been rubbish or are asking silly questions which you should be answering yourself.

Yin-yang DOES NOT imply heaven and hell. End of story. You want to ramble on about how they do have those implications, carry on. Anyone who knows anything about it would shoot you down instantly. Not clever to argue when you know little yourself. And Pokemon based on mythology is true only to a certain extent, but there is no reason to include Leviathan and Behemoth in there. Both are inversely female and male respectively in the Christian and Jewish mythology respectively. They are considered sexless by demonology experts, so unless your pokemon are as well, please stop.

Kaizer
22nd October 2005, 10:16 PM
I am not knocking the fact that you are doing your best in achieving what you intend to, which is great. The problem is, and always will, lie with the fact that your vision is incompatible with reality. Simple as that.

Ok, for starters, what fiction is compatible with reality? Last time I checked the two didn't mix, but low and behold, there are great authors (and I mean real authors) who write true fiction that seems to take place in our reality all of the time.



Fantasy and Pokemon do not mix? Please stop with the poor arguments, not helping you at all. Pokemon itself is an offshoot of fantasy, as the latter simply means anything imaginative. Treat pokemon simply as a childish fantasy story, and you will understand. You should stop when you are behind lke this.


I'd like to point that statement out too. Fantasy means anything imaginative, or at least that's your definition there. Well, you're saying that someone can't possibly mix a branch of fantasy with another branch that generally requires a type of fantasy to work? You're right about the show being childish, but that should in no way dictate the imaginations of fans from all over. If anything, this rendition of pokemon has far more fantasy to it than the show.


Yeah, if you noticed, I said I would help authors wake up and improve. However, if no one wants to listen, how can I possibly be helping then? Write the fiction for them? Please stop being ridiculous.


Now, yet another statement that seems a little off. "Waking up and improving" are two completely different things than telling someone that their story can't exist simply because something is incompatible? Once again, nothing in fantasy is "incompatible," that's what makes it fantasy. If you really want to, we can call this a science fiction horror. Why? Because if you read the last two chapters, it obviously has a good deal of that in it. Viruses that render incredible powers yet kill the infected? It could work. The fact is, using a basis of pokemon allows for far greater interaction than just using generic animals or something because in the pokemon world, they're superior to normal animals.

Oh, and about the whole Yin-Yang thing. Last time I checked, Scrap was using them as terms for Ho-oh and Lugia, which she's looking on as a sort of Creator/Destroyer or Good/Evil concept that has to come in a pair.

Now, to stay on topic:
I hope you can get the next chapter up soon Scrap. I'm looking forward to the big boom.
;245;

Edit- I'm sure that while you're trying to help, you'd be much more appreciated if you attacked what was wrong with the stories, not what was wrong with the concept behind the stories. The authors here only want ways to improve, but saying that you can't do something because it's just not right doesn't help anybody and will only get you yelled at more.

Elemental Charizam
22nd October 2005, 10:18 PM
After your philosophical discourse, you are still no closer to refuting the accepted fact of confounding to literary and creative boundaries. That is why you do not see singed skeletons in The Incredibles.
Actually, you do. Ever actually seen the film? I'm reffering to the bit where he goes into the cabe with KRONOS on the walls, and there's a blackened super-hero skeleton leaning against the walls. Ba example on your part, I'm afraid.


Copernicus is just an example of the fact that the number of people counts for little, while validity counts for more.QUOTE]
But how do you ascerain what is valid? There seems to be little evidence, so surely the number of people who believe something and can justify there beliefs is all that can count?

[QUOTE]I am also cognizant to the fact that someone might be SPAMming. In fact, you can PM me asking how to refute my arguments, because all of yours have either been rubbish or are asking silly questions which you should be answering yourself.
A rather childish approach, degrading someone's arguments without having actually disproved them in any real way. Your arguments are rubbish. Pretty easy thing to do, see? Anyone can, it means nothing.


Yin-yang DOES NOT imply heaven and hell. End of story. You want to ramble on about how they do have those implications, carry on. Anyone who knows anything about it would shoot you down instantly. Not clever to argue when you know little yourself. And Pokemon based on mythology is true only to a certain extent, but there is no reason to include Leviathan and Behemoth in there. Both are inversely female and male respectively in the Christian and Jewish mythology respectively. They are considered sexless by demonology experts, so unless your pokemon are as well, please stop.
it does not imply heaven and hell, but they are simmilar ideas at the core, of polar opposites existing. Heaven and hell don't imply the moon and sun either, but they were still belived to be polar opposites by some cultures, which means they are comprable as ideas.

If your an authors freind, surely you owe it to them to help them improve as possible? It just means you aren't nasty whilst you critique.


Not clever to argue when you know little yourself. And Pokemon based on mythology is true only to a certain extent, but there is no reason to include Leviathan and Behemoth in there. Both are inversely female and male respectively in the Christian and Jewish mythology respectively. They are considered sexless by demonology experts, so unless your pokemon are as well, please stop.
If a major religion assigns them genders, surely saying that we cannot assign genders to things loosely based off them is demeaning the relegions that do this? Also, demonolgy experts = LOL.

Anyway, I've developed a new theory to cling to! The Affiliation and Zeffy obviously go way back, so to keep Rinali away from Zeffy, her father put ideas in her head about people like Zeffy being soul scrapers. Ok, not a very large leap on my part, but...

Ouallada
22nd October 2005, 11:24 PM
Do you know how the poor dude in the show passed away? Point is, huge difference between a skeleton sitting in a cave and blackened carcasses still residing in their cars. If that were meant to happen, Charizard would have finished Ash off a long time ago. Either disprove my point about the rigidity of the genre in this aspect, or stop yammering and going off on tangents.

The point about Copernicus is that the number of people who disapprove of something does not make it wrong by default. Please do not make me explain myself.


A rather childish approach, degrading someone's arguments without having actually disproved them in any real way. Your arguments are rubbish. Pretty easy thing to do, see? Anyone can, it means nothing.

Nope, called a spade a spade. He did not ask anything worthwhile which was not blatantly obvious, and did not answer anything without making himself look stupid. Erm, easy to see through my argument, so pray use your vision and let me know what you see please? Disprove my points, or take a seat and zip it.


it does not imply heaven and hell, but they are simmilar ideas at the core, of polar opposites existing. Heaven and hell don't imply the moon and sun either, but they were still belived to be polar opposites by some cultures, which means they are comprable as ideas.

If you do not know anything about the essence of Yin-Yang, I would seriously advise you to stop spouting rubbish. Just because you assume (wrongly) that Yin-yang encompasses every single opposite pair does not mean you are right. It only exposes your ignorance. The only thing similar between heaven-hell and sun-moon is that they are opposites. Go do some reading, instead of just talking. You grow smarter that way.

Sure, so by letting Scrap know the deficiencies of her reasoning, am I not helping here by your own logic? Without looking at that fact, reasoned by your logic, and protecting her blindly, you just lend credit to the fact that people here scratch each others' backs. Deny it further, if you wish, just going to make it more obvious in the long run.


If a major religion assigns them genders, surely saying that we cannot assign genders to things loosely based off them is demeaning the relegions that do this?

Seeing you do not know of Leviathan's and Behemoth's stories, as well as the discrepancies between the two religions, it is useless to play the harp to a little brown cow. Why do christians revile the DaVinci code? "Jesus was but a man". Along those lines, not very clever to demean a religious being by having it be male when it is supposed to be female, and vice versa. You either possibly anger the Jews, or the Christians, or both. Of course, less discerning people than the sableye fellow cannot tell why Behemoth is suddenly a Pokemon, but I do understand why the creators never based anything on it.


demonolgy experts = LOL.

Take any intelligence you have and throw it out of the window. At least spell demonology correctly, first and foremost. Second, not clever to laugh at something you know little about. In a broad sense, anyone at all who studies the bible and knows about Satan's origins is already a demonologist to some extent. To be a demonologist is to study religious enemies, often personifications of human failings. Please show some basic respect to people who know a lot more than you do, and show some self-respect by at least attempting to know what you are talking about.

By the way, if you do not understand anything, or need a counter-argument in case you are accused of SPAM, drop me a PM. That offer is always open. I can play harp to little brown cow anytime.

Wondrous Sableye
23rd October 2005, 12:01 AM
—.— Yin and Yang represent opposites: male and female, hot and cold, etc.

If you're going to 'call a spade a spade,' then at least have the common sense to call a blackened skeleton a blackened skeleton.

If you're going to refer to someone, at the very least have the decency to capitalize a proper noun.

Pok&#233;mon based off of mythological creatures/symbols for ya:
Kyogre: possibly the Leviathan of biblical mythos
Groudon: possibly the Behemoth of biblical mythos
Ho-oh: Ho-Oo is the japanese version of the Feng-Huang, or chinese phoenix. Ho and Feng are the males, and Oo and Huang are the females. It is supposed to represent the sun, justice, fidelity and obedience. They appear only at the start of a new era, and usually to those who will start the era.
Lugia: Greek Halcyon
Rayquaza: Shenlung(wise dragon of Chinese legend)
Celebii: Japanese pixie/fairy
Articuno: Arabic Anka
Zapdos: American Indian(Native American) Thunderbird
Moltres: Phoenician, Greek, Arabic Phoenix
Raikou: Japanese Raijuu
Regirock, Regice, Registeel: Jewish Golem
Arcanine: Japanese Shishi/Jishi(mix of dragon, lion, tiger, and dog)
Ninetales: Japanese Kitsune(1000+ yrs. old fox)
Golduck: Japanese Kappa
Unown: Celtic runes

Translation of your demonology explanation: Anyone with more than eight years of 'CCD' class can be called a demonologist.

Personifications of human failings? We see those in television shows already; just look at Fullmetal Alchemist's Homunculi.

Ryano Ra
23rd October 2005, 1:08 AM
Guys, stop it. Before I evolve into a Dragonic Warrior. 8D

We all have to realize that not everybody in this world is the same, so opinions will be taking differently. Topics will be interpreted so many diverse ways. Ouallada made very different points that can be proven, as well as points made by Wondrous Sableye and the post by EC. But, what does it solve? It will basically end in a pointless argument that'll go on and on, because someone wants to get the last word or wants to be right, when Scrap's thread will be closed and she'll be the one who's upset at all of this. Arguing through the Private Message system is much effective and simplier, for it's private and this thread won't be closed. Stop this for the sake of Scrap and her story, please. ;-;

Ouallada
23rd October 2005, 9:20 AM
Yin and Yang represent opposites: male and female, hot and cold, etc.

I am still waiting for you to state that Yin-yang represents heaven and hell. Come on. Prove it.


If you're going to 'call a spade a spade,' then at least have the common sense to call a blackened skeleton a blackened skeleton.

If you're going to refer to someone, at the very least have the decency to capitalize a proper noun.

If you are not going to see gore and violence in Pokemon, at least have the common sense to say you are not going to see gore and violence in pokemon.

Yup, you can see the respect I accorded to you when I capitalise Pokemon but fail to do sofor your name.

The only relation you can draw between Behemoth/Leviathan and Groudon/Kyrogre is the relation between land and sea. Check your descriptions of the biblical creatures. They do not match.

Let me help you to improve on your mythical derivations.

Kitsune: Besides the fact that Ninetails is a fox and has nine tails, shows no sign of spiritual power that Kitsune possess.

Angka: A derivation on phoenix, and they evolve from the same Egyptian stories. The name angka is derived from its necklace, and means immortality.

Halcyon: Again, a huge leap of logic. Lugia became a kingfisher?

Of course, some are more obvious fits, like Ho-Oh and Ho-Ho. Rayquaza is pretty ridiculous. Just because Shenglong is a celestial dragon and Rayquaza resembles a dragon means nothing. Obviously, you have cut and paste your information from another website, probably a role-playing one. Smart of you not to filter information, though.

Oh I told the other fellow, stop putting words in my mouth, as you are unqualified to. If you know about Satan, welcome to demonology. Does not mean you are an expert or anything, but welcome all the same. You read Milton's Paradise Lost, welcome as well. You know about Cerberus? Welcome as well. Banish your thoughts of flaming demons and the like. The topic is far broader and religiously linked than your puny imagination understands. Stop deriding that which you know little about.

Of course, my apologies to you, Scrap. Feel free to carry on with your story without my interruption. Religion and demonology are important subjects in writing, and I would not allow them to be *******ised by people who know nothing about them. As sableye has bravely blocked me, I have no choice but to refute his statements here. You will not get any more argumets from me. Whether or not you choose to listen to my aruguments or not is at your own discretion, although it never hurts to see the bigger picture for once. Good luck.

Flaming Lip
23rd October 2005, 1:11 PM
I am still waiting for you to state that Yin-yang represents heaven and hell. Come on. Prove it.



If you are not going to see gore and violence in Pokemon, at least have the common sense to say you are not going to see gore and violence in pokemon.

Yup, you can see the respect I accorded to you when I capitalise Pokemon but fail to do sofor your name.

The only relation you can draw between Behemoth/Leviathan and Groudon/Kyrogre is the relation between land and sea. Check your descriptions of the biblical creatures. They do not match.

Let me help you to improve on your mythical derivations.

Kitsune: Besides the fact that Ninetails is a fox and has nine tails, shows no sign of spiritual power that Kitsune possess.

Angka: A derivation on phoenix, and they evolve from the same Egyptian stories. The name angka is derived from its necklace, and means immortality.

Halcyon: Again, a huge leap of logic. Lugia became a kingfisher?

Of course, some are more obvious fits, like Ho-Oh and Ho-Ho. Rayquaza is pretty ridiculous. Just because Shenglong is a celestial dragon and Rayquaza resembles a dragon means nothing. Obviously, you have cut and paste your information from another website, probably a role-playing one. Smart of you not to filter information, though.

Oh I told the other fellow, stop putting words in my mouth, as you are unqualified to. If you know about Satan, welcome to demonology. Does not mean you are an expert or anything, but welcome all the same. You read Milton's Paradise Lost, welcome as well. You know about Cerberus? Welcome as well. Banish your thoughts of flaming demons and the like. The topic is far broader and religiously linked than your puny imagination understands. Stop deriding that which you know little about.

Of course, my apologies to you, Scrap. Feel free to carry on with your story without my interruption. Religion and demonology are important subjects in writing, and I would not allow them to be *******ised by people who know nothing about them. As sableye has bravely blocked me, I have no choice but to refute his statements here. You will not get any more argumets from me. Whether or not you choose to listen to my aruguments or not is at your own discretion, although it never hurts to see the bigger picture for once. Good luck.

>>;

Just stop arguing. The only thing any of us who argued are achiving (including my post) is filling the thread with useless posts. Really, just stop. Its getting pathetic. No one's in a postion to talk about what they don't know about, and at the same time no one can say someone's imagination "is to puny to grasp something" Its stupid, so kindly stop arguing. I mean, I don't really want to see an enraged Scrap posting later...

Uh... On topic, I have to ask. Eden can't be the only city in the world. I mean clearly there are much more bountiful land elsewhere (unless Eden's on a floodplain). I don't expect complete civillizations, but there has to be other cities like Eden.

Ouallada
23rd October 2005, 2:23 PM
Truth is truth. If sableye wants to talk about Yin-yang when he does not know a damn thing about it, or insist that pokemon are bases on mythology when all he did was probably to copy and paste from a website, probably a role-playing website, without the decency to filter the info, then I just have to call him out. Demonology? He does not know anything, so what qualifies him to speak?

Everything I have said thus far is true, and has been backed up. I will cease to make my points any clearer, and they will be validated if people actually check them up instead of ranting.

Flaming Lip
23rd October 2005, 2:25 PM
Truth is truth. If sableye wants to talk about Yin-yang when he does not know a damn thing about it, or insist that pokemon are bases on mythology when all he did was probably to copy and paste from a website, probably a role-playing website, without the decency to filter the info, then I just have to call him out. Demonology? He does not know anything, so what qualifies him to speak?

Everything I have said thus far is true, and has been backed up. I will cease to make my points any clearer, and they will be validated if people actually check them up instead of ranting.

Nonetheless, I this is not the place for it. I really don't care if you are on Sabeleye's ignore list, you shouldn't have the argument here. So for the sake of the thread. Stop arguing.

Ouallada
23rd October 2005, 2:51 PM
That is not the inherent reason. If someone insults something that I feel a need to defend, then I will put my foot down, regardless of whether I am ignored or not. The key is an insult without reason.

Elemental Charizam
23rd October 2005, 3:14 PM
Oullada, please. Just stop a-spammin' here, I had the courtesy to PM you, and unless Sableye says anything else here, there's no reason to prolong the discussion here. You already have the last word; why not leave it at that? WS has got a right to ignore you if he so wishes.

Wondrous Sableye
23rd October 2005, 4:00 PM
Moving right along...

Anyone have any guesses as to the level of chaos that might break out after the building explodes

(Incidentally, Ouallada, I copy-pasted these from a FAQ where research was done on all Pok&#233;mon that were given a legendary status and/or some connection to legends. If you plan to respond to this with an arguement saying how this is not a legitimate source, kindly drop that plan right there, as there is already a full page of arguements. I blocked you because I already have very little space left in my Inbox{4 messages left}and I doubt very much that wrapping up an arguement would take that short a time. Calling me a coward achieves nothing more than SPAM.)

Ouallada
23rd October 2005, 4:09 PM
Roleplaying website. You can either accept what they say, or go research it yourself. Then you will see that some of their info requires a huge leap of logic. Try to make it at your expense.

Well arguments can be settled if you could actually shoot me down,but that is a moot point. I suggest we both stop this, and let the author decide if she wants to listen or not. As long as you insist that your depiction of mythology as it stands right now is correct, I will always come along to correct you. If you stop believing everything that the site feeds you and do your own reading up and make your own conclusions, then perhaps you will improve yourself, and we can call an end to this.

jirachiman876
23rd October 2005, 6:19 PM
Go Zeffy Go! Has RInali/SIn gotten out or else zeffy just kinda killed her best friend. That would suck. Anyway good chappie. Tis interesting. Poor Sin won't even remember who saved her since her ememory got deleted. o well. Well I got nothing more than to pray that scrap won't kill some of us for what happened in the last couple o days. I had a comment but since I hope this big debate is over I'll refrain.
jirachiman out ;385;

indigestible_wad
23rd October 2005, 7:19 PM
Why are you guys debating in this story? You guys are aware that you're just spamming up Scrap's thread right? If you have something to say can you make a thread aobut it or something?

Wondrous Sableye
23rd October 2005, 9:00 PM
—.—* And you realise that you yourself aren't helping the matter much either, i_w?

Ouallada, you just restated what I said about stopping. GameFAQs is not an RP site. It is an information site. Now, then, how about we both take each other's advice and stop? *End of discussion*

Say, didn't Scrap mention that the next chapter would be out some time over the weekend or Monday? Guess that means the new chapter 's coming soon enough.

Kiyohime
24th October 2005, 7:23 AM
Holy ****ing Jesus on a wheelchair crutch. Three days gone, and all of this gets blown out of control. o.o;;

Debate goes to PM. NOW. *shooes debate away* XD

The chapter'll be up tomorrow, unless I happen to forget, in which case someone please send me a PM to get my arse in gear. XD

Kiyohime
25th October 2005, 2:48 AM
I'm sorry this chapter is kind of short. ^^;; The next one (which ends this arc) is longer, thankfully. XD Because this chapter is so short, I'll be generous and post the next chapter on Thursday or Friday. ^^

Enjoy! ^^



Chapter 8

Hell Hath no Fury like a Woman Scorned



THREE WEEKS EARLIER.

Zeffy sank to her knees as she stared with bleak eyes at the still-smoking wreck of the apartment that she had once shared with Rinali Furusato two and a half years past.

Distant sirens blared hollowly into the golden morning haze as the distant shouting of fire-guards drifted past Zeffy’s numb ears.

The fire-guards and their mostly aquatic-type Bonded were just starting to leave. Their job was over. As the crowds dispersed, a hulking Blastoise shambled past Zeffy, its hydro cannons retracting into its shell with minute clicks. The sounds were quiet, almost inaudible, but for Zeffy, it signaled an end.

Zeffy looked up at the sky, tears glinting on her pale cheeks. She would have screamed, pounded the ground with her feet, perhaps made several nearby buildings blow up, but she was utterly drained, exhausted. Weeks of traveling across Thunderclap, hoping to see Rinali again…and coming home to this. She had come too late. It was all her fault.

Rinali Furusato was dead.

“Excuse me, miss?”

Zeffy turned her head. A fire-guard was approaching, his uniform stained with grime and soot. In his arms, he cradled a tiny, shivering orange creature.

“Miss, did you know the owner of this apartment?”

Zeffy nodded mutely, and the fire-guard carefully arranged his dirty, pudgy face into a compassionate expression.

“I’m terribly sorry for your loss, miss. This is the sole survivor, so it seems We found him trying to hide inside a vase.” He held out his arms to Zeffy, revealing a trembling, ash-streaked Paras.

“Psycho!” Zeffy gently took the Paras from the fire-guard. “I can’t thank you enough, sir.”

The fire-guard nodded grimly. “Take care of yourself, miss.” He turned to follow the lumbering Blastoise as the area emptied.

Zeffy hugged Psycho to her protectively, murmuring soothing nonsense to the crablike insect. Her voice was choked with muffled sobs.

“I’m sorry about all this, Psycho. I’m sorry I didn’t-“

Psycho furiously cut her off. ”Paras raaa!”

Zeffy stiffened and all color drained out of her face as she absorbed the new information. She hadn’t been prepared for what Psycho had just told her.

She answered back rapidly in the Paras’ own language to prevent eavesdroppers. “Para?” Not dead?

Psycho nodded. “Raaaaa paras par!” Biggabig humangirl go to buy more food! Not come back, but biggabig bad humans come! Bigganig humans kick poor Psycho and not give me food! Big bad mean nasty humans pour smelly stuff everywhere and use a big mean bad nasty Magmar to make everything go whom-bang!

“Paras parara?” She left the apartment and never returned? The fire was deliberately set? Is that what you mean?

“Paras.” Yesyes. Psycho hungry. Psycho want food. Food? Foo--

Zeffy’s face broke into a sudden, savage grin, not noticing as Psycho shrank back in fright at the crazed expression upon her face. She turned her head to the distant skyscrapers of the Eden Banking Industries.

“Burning sin, bumpty-bumpty-bump!” The raspy whisper drifted through the smoke-choked air, and soon disappeared wraithlike into the dull roar of the city’s ever-pulsing life.


++++++

The bang of Shiva’s fist slamming against her desk echoed throughout her office.

“You are telling me you plan to take on the military research branch of the Affiliation all by yourself, Lady?”

Shiva’s voice held a tone of deep shock, and under it, reproach. Zeffy flinched slightly.

“Shiva, do you question my ability to do this? Have you forgotten what I did in the days of the First Civilization’s birth, and the days of its death? You question my ability?”

Shiva’s golden eyes darkened. “No, madame, I do not. I simply wonder at how you intend to do this. I do not wish for you to get innocent people or Pokemon killed. Eden needs the Affiliation for its own survival. The Affiliation is not the enemy.”

Zeffy smiled. “Don’t fret yourself too much. I swear an oath to you upon my honor not to allow any innocent beasts to be killed. This is my war to fight, and not anyone else’s.”

“And humans?” Shiva pressed, her voice a dangerous rumble.

Zeffy narrowed my eyes. “That’s their problem, Shiva. Not mine. Anyone who gets in my way does so at their own risk. No soldier is innocent, Shiva Rashiannou of Thunderclap. Remember that.”

“Could I help?” Pierrot piped in. “I want to help save Rinali!”

“NO!” Shiva roared, and Pierrot shrank back, frightened. “You are young and foolish! Don’t you realize blood will be spilt?”

Zeffy broke in. “Pierrot, you can’t come with me. There will be gunfire, and I don’t want innocents like you to be killed in the crossfire.”

Pierrot refused to be daunted. “But, sah, er, madame!, All you’ve got is a motorcycle. From what I see, you’ll be taking Rinali and fleeing across the Thunderclap badlands. Am I not right, sah?”

Zeffy shrugged, unsure of the Breloom’s point. Pierrot went on, his anxiety causing his speech to slip back into a garbled accent.

“Now, sah, from wot you tole me, Rinali’s goan be sick, or summat. You two are gonna need supplies, and gas. The motorcycle won’t cut it. You need a proper-like vehicle thingy, right? I could find one, and drive it over and you two could jump in and I’d drive it away, like a robber gettin’ away from a bank in a movie reel, haw haw haw!”

Zeffy held up a hand to cut off Pierrot’s blather. “Are you telling me you know how to drive? And where the hell would you find a vehicle here? In case you’ve forgotten, they’re outlawed among the public due to safety issues.”

Pierrot guffawed. “You’re right, sah! But when I was a liddle Shroomish, no more than a sproutling, I was born an’ raised in an auto-shop facility in a branch of the Affiliation. They made vehicles for the hospitals and the military, sah. I learned to drive just from watching the humans do it, and it’s real easy, haw haw haw. All you gotta do is put the pedal to the metal and spin the wheel to wherever you want to go, and brake whenever you have to! Easy as pie.”

Zeffy raised her eyebrows, and Shiva gave her a thunderstruck “please-tell-me-you-aren’t-actually-considering-this” look.

Zeffy’s face broke into a grin as she turned back to Pierrot. “Listen, if I told you exactly what sort of vehicle I required for the getaway, would you be able to identify it and bring it over here?”

Pierrot nodded eagerly. “I could, madame, it wouldn’t be a problem. And I could fill it with the supplies we’ll be needin’ too.”

Shiva made a disgusted grunt and threw all four of her arms in the air. “I see that I can no longer stop the foolish boy from going, so the least I can do is aid him with the supplies. But that is as far as I go, madame. I have a reputation, a teaching job, and the God’s Cry to maintain.”

Zeffy smiled even wider. “Don’t worry. The military won’t ****ing know what hit them.”


++++++

She struck the match against the sandpaper. It leapt to life in a small, unimpressive sputter of orange flame.

“Time flies. Time dies,” Zeffy murmured. “Fire in the hole, you assholes!”

She dropped the match into the pit.


++++++


The match fell through the belly of the abyss, spinning lazily, trailing a contrail of flame through the hazy, gas-choked air.

There was a muted whoom! as the air flickered blue, then ignited.

A vast orange-blue blossom unfurled its petals, and what followed was like watching a tree grow in extremely fast motion.

A trunk of fire shot up from the blossom, shooting out its roots to intertwine around each other and dig into the many openings and vents of the air ducts as myriads of branches shot out, eagerly snaking towards yet more vents. They each gave birth to many smaller branches, whipping out and unfurling and turning burning leaves to devour what little oxygen remained.

Then the match, still falling, hit the central vaults.

Boom.


++++++.

Zeffy Fujihara felt the roof of the skyscraper buckle and heave under her boots. Somewhere far away, there was a muffled bang, and Zeffy knew instantly that the match had hit the vaults successfully. A deep rumble below churned to life, the guttural roar of an awakening giant.

Zeffy turned and fled, laughing wildly. As she launched herself off the edge, a column of fire blasted out the open pipe, illuminating and outlining her silhouette in a blaze of furious orange light.

Tongues of fire shot out through every window of the skyscraper as the walls dissolved under a furiously expanding tree of fire, its branches hungrily expanding and swelling as they greedily devoured the sudden rush of unlimited oxygen.

In rapid succession, all of the smaller buildings clustered around the main skyscraper exploded, sending more fire-saplings shooting up. Brown and purple smoke choked the sky, belching soot and shrapnel that hissed through the air like deadly hail.

Zeffy fell through the fire and the smoke and the shrapnel like a dark avenging angel. Her jacket flared out as her gas mask’s goggles reflected the furious orange blaze, creating the illusion that she was a demonic angel from the ****-impacted bowels of hell come to unleash her wrath upon the earth.

And perhaps in a way, she was.

My cousin, lend me your wings.

Below her, a rapid, blurred shadow appeared just below the surface of the smoke, keeping up with her fall. The cloud-shadow resembled a bruise, and soon took solid form. Tattered ribbons of vapor hissed through the Skarmory’s wings as he exploded from the smoke cover, rising up to meet the falling girl.

Zeffy elegantly landed upon the Skarmory’s back with the ease of an acrobat. Shriek folded his wings with a deft snap, and dropped towards the scorched earth like a stone.



++++++


The soldiers around Sin shifted nervously in the silence of the underground corridors. Sin could hear their rapid breathing, and smell fear rolling off them in waves. Above them all, a few floors up, Weezings were gathering by the dozens, perhaps even hundreds.

“Haven’t they caught the intruder yet?” one soldier asked nervously. Another shook his head scornfully.

“Idiot, are you shitting me? No way there’s only one. It had to be a whole team, maybe dozens and dozens.”

Tensions flared between the soldiers as they fell to arguing loudly among each other. Sin smiled.

Raymond, the man who had spoken first, huffed. “Can’t we just get out of the tunnels?” Sulky. Pouty.

The other man, Seymour turned on him furiously. “You shut up! Whining’s not going to solve anything!”

“Hairy balls it ain’t! We should just move on ahead!” Raymond snarled. Sin giggled quietly.

“What would you know about that, ******?”

Raymond grinned sweetly. “Oh, so it bothers you that I prefer to kiss the pole instead of plugging the hole?”

Seymour flushed pink and furiously raised his assault rifle, but they were all distracted by a distant rumble.

“What was that?” one of the men whispered, his face ghost-white.

The throaty, coughing rumble rose to a roar that was naturally amplified by the steel-walled corridor. The floor under them buckled and heaved violently.

“Let’s get out of here!” Raymond yelled, panicked. This time, nobody disagreed with him.

The men broke into a run, roughly shoving the Sin-eater with them. In their panic, nobody noticed how the flesh under the girl’s tight black shirt seemed to be shifting, moving around and curving up like marbles under cloth. It was writhing, like snakes trapped in tar.

The rumbling rose to a crescendo as the soldiers stumbled and scrabbled for firm ground.

Then all hell broke out.

Another skull-shattering explosion sounded, and the ceiling was ripped apart in a single, godly sweep. A deep shockwave howled down, making everything rise up, heave, unfurling like a putrid rose-

Smoke, dirt, and sunlight blasted them back, sending the soldiers braying and gibbering as they scrabbled at their burning eyes and screamed.

Suddenly, Raymond heard a noise that chilled him to the bone. A rapid chow-chow-chow sound. Gunfire.

The explosion had gouged a crater deep into the earth, exposing the underground corridors. Screams rang out as the military of the Affiliation suddenly realized what was happening. They were exposed, helpless. Too much was happening, much too fast.

Chow! Chow! Chow!

Flaming Lip
25th October 2005, 3:01 AM
Whats that Lassy, You say Jimmy fell into the well?

Thats kind of what the conversation with Psycho reminded me of, wheather it was intentional or not. Other than some parts that seemed a bit cheasy such as the line 'time flies, time dies. Fire in the hole assholes.' that made me smirk, the chapter was good.

The whole explosion seems like it could have been on Mordern Marvels Engeniering Disasters, on the History Channel. But that is another little bug with this chapter. The Engineer's who designed the building surely would have kept such a possibilty in mind when building it. I mean it sounds like a really stupid flaw if the engineer's were aware of the fact that explosives would be in it.

Nonetheless thats not a problem.

You also did not anwser a question I had, are there other cities outside of Eden?

xXSaberXx
25th October 2005, 3:17 AM
WHOMG.

Short, but I LOVED THE PARAS TALK! :o So excellent, and I just LOVEEE Psycho. xP He's like my seed child. xP Like he just SPROUTED FROM MY BODY!

O_O

Kay, a little to much soda there.....

*cough*

Though, I am interested to see what the 'marble' things were.

^^ Only time will tell.

LUFFS

Kiyohime
25th October 2005, 3:18 AM
Nope, Eden's the only true city. But as you'll see soon, there are settlements. ^^

I know, that part was SO cheesy. XD *gags and gouges her eyes out* That wasn't my best writing. XP But I hope you can forgive me, since it has a nice big explosion. XD And the next chapter is one of my special favorites, too. :D

EDIT: Holy crap, Saber posted at the same time I did. XD The marble things....fwehehehe. Yes, time will tell. AND PARAS IS YOUR SEED! O_O;;; *runs*

DOUBLE EDIT: I AM SHOCKED WITH YOU, NIGHTS AND SABER! I DISCREETLY REVEALED SOMETHING HUGE IN THIS CHAPTER, AND YOU BOTH DIDN'T NOTICE! XD

jirachiman876
25th October 2005, 3:49 AM
I noticed it!!! My god great chappie. Is Zeffy really the girl in the prolougue. The thing about the bumps and stuff kinda gave it. And you also hinted to it when she was talking with Shiva. I am so loving this fic. The explosion was great. I little too short. I wanna know what happens next!!! *shakes rattle violently* lol. Well no mistakes, and I didn't see anything wierd so I'm cool.

PS. COuld you by any chance post the next chapter like monday??? I'll be in St. Petersberg for marching band and I'll have no access to any technology until monday. After that you can post when ever you want and i'll be free to read it. You really don't have to if you and everybody else don't want to.
jirachiman out ;385;

Saffire Persian
25th October 2005, 3:53 AM
... Zeffy can speak Pokemon...

To think she could speak to Psycho all this time.. I pity, yet envy her.

So many assumptions are flashing through my mind right now, and frankly, they won't stop. Short though the chapter was, I enjoyed it. Right now, my only complaint was it wasn't longer...

And that the explosion should have been more extravagant... because I happen to like explosions. At least, in this scenario.

Anyway, I can see why you mentioned that Pierrot would be playing a bigger role, and it amuses me, and I love the extra flare you put on his "accent", I absolutely adore it. Dunno why, but I do. Shiva, it seems, is being given a bigger role - will it become any bigger.. say, on the lines on what Pierrot's is?

And, to satisfy my burning question to ask (even if I get shot down in flames for it), as I read, i noticed one peculiar line that stuck out above any of them. As in bumpity-bump. And with the conversation Zeffy had with Shiva


ave you forgotten what I did in the days of the First Civilization’s birth, and the days of its death?

This clue leads me to believe she is the "bumpity-bump" girl from the Prologue... If so, more power to her.

Of course, I could be wrong. But that would explain her dislike of the Innocence Lost card, and perhaps it would more readily explain why she became friends with Rinali, and seems to know more about her, as it was (I assume) her bag of bones in the first place.

If I"m correct that is. If not, ah well.

I look forward to the next installment.

Kiyohime
25th October 2005, 3:57 AM
Yes, Zeffy is the bumpty-bumpty-bump girl. ^^

The explosion was too short? o.o Wow, I thought it was too long. XD

And yes, I thought I had already mentioned that Zeffy speaks Pokemon fluently...perhaps too fluently, creepily so. She's a Pokemon Lingustics major at Sakihime...man, I thought I had mentioned that, but guess not. XD *cough*

Yes, Pierrot and Shiva will be key players as the story goes on. ^^

Kaizer
25th October 2005, 4:00 AM
I don't think I noticed it either...

I did notice however the wriggling back. I wonder what will come from there? My first guess was wings of some sort, but that'd be a little clich&#233; and last time I checked, you didn't really do clich&#233;. Unfortunately, I only had one guess, so I fail.

Onto the title: I didn't see to much into this one. Didn't seem all that deep, but I'd have to say it applies to Zeffy and her obvious issues with the Affiliation and Shiva who tried to refuse to let things happen like that. Of course, there may also be how Sin was acting with all the soldiers, almost like she was annoyed with them.

Oh, and does that something huge have anything to do with the "looks like a demon" line or something? Could that be foreshadowing? Especially if you take it into context with her calling for her "wings" and then you shifting to the scene with Sin having something going on with her back? Or I guess it could be as simple as Zeffy saying that she's not exactly 18...

Whatever it is, those are my guesses.
;245;

Damn... I'm too slow at responding...

Oh, and Psycho, is still more awesome than the other grass type.

PsiUmbreon
25th October 2005, 4:08 AM
asdf.

o.o ok, I'm confused. Wasn't the end of the First Civilization a hundred years ago? I thought I read that somewhere. So that means... Zeffy is really a lot older than she says she is. Hrm... *has wild theories that maybe Zeffy is missingno. in disguise n' stuff*

Oh, and stuff go boom. Me like. :D

BrokenDreams
25th October 2005, 4:15 AM
Wonderful chapter. I especially loved the analogy of the floor spreading its petals and a tree growing at a fast pace. I can't wait for the next chapter. Oh, yes, and one more phrase .... short and sweet.

Kiyohime
25th October 2005, 4:37 AM
No, the wriggling things aren't wings. It states that the wriggling things are actually her SKIN, moving and writhing. XD That's the Missingno starting to manifest through her.

Kaizer, what you missed was when Zeffy whispered, "Bumpty-bumpty-bump!" at the end of the first scene. I can't believe Nights and Saber missed that. XD

Psiumbreon: Yes, Zeffy is old...possibly older than time itself. But I emphasize once again...she is human. Barely so, as she pushes the rules of what makes a human human, but human she is. ^^

BrokenDreams, thank you! I'm glad you liked the analogy. ^^

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
25th October 2005, 10:50 AM
To put this simply:

Me likey big boom boom!

Ok, I'll stop that, but honestly, I did love the description of the explosion.

And this quote will forever be my favourite (at least for a week):

Time flies, time dies. Fire in the hole, you assholes!

Once again, I find no fault in your chappie, though I wish to know what happened to Zeffy's bag o' bones.

Joshua

Elemental Charizam
25th October 2005, 12:12 PM
“Burning sin, bumpty-bumpty-bump!” The raspy whisper drifted through the smoke-choked air, and soon disappeared wraithlike into the dull roar of the city’s ever-pulsing life.
You kinda hinted before; the 'Time flies. Time dies." thing, the fact that she hated the picture of the girl with the bones....

But I thought, nah, because the girl was a boy before. And a major character wouldn't change gender, right? I was wrong. Again XD

CraZy tHeORy: OMG! Zeffy is a sorta Eve figure!

Ok, not even I really believe that.

Prettyful explosion description, though I'm suprised that ANYONE survived it. The confusion at the end (I assume its Zeffy shooting at the soldiers) and the panic is well portrayed; the soldier POV we get from Raymond adds a certain flair to the ending.

Sike Saner
25th October 2005, 6:10 PM
Damn, I don't know who I like better: Psycho or Pierrot. Or Shiva. They just all have so much personality - even moreso, IMO, than do the human characters, and those human characters are quite frickin' solid.

...Okay, you said you were going to do the explosion justice, and I believed you, but I was not expecting it to be quite that lyrical.


Another skull-shattering explosion sounded, and the ceiling was ripped apart in a single, godly sweep. A deep shockwave howled down, making everything rise up, heave, unfurling like a putrid rose-

That is just gods-bloodied cool. Seriously. "Putrid rose" - nice. Vaguely reminds me of a Mudvayne lyric ("Unveiling rancid petals, flowering forth foul nectar..."), so, yeah, I dig it.

Only found one error:


“I’m terribly sorry for your loss, miss. This is the sole survivor, so it seems. We found him trying to hide inside a vase.” He held out his arms to Zeffy, revealing a trembling, ash-streaked Paras.

Just add that and it's good to go.

And hey, have a cookie for bring back the "bumpty-bumpty-bump". *commences bumpty dance anew*