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Khanom_Ana
30th September 2005, 3:50 AM
Well.........I tried my best. Tell me what you think! ;006;
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A teenage girl by the age of 14 years threw her pokeball into the field after whispering "Try your best" Sweating with the intensity of the battle, her thick dark-brown hair clinging to her forehead and the back of her neck.

The pokeball opened revealing a Venusaur, massive and far larger than any other Venusaur ever raised, the flower on her back elegantly bloomed as it took it's battle stance.

"Libby! Use Sunny Day and then solarbeam!"

Libby the Venusaur raised her head towards the sky while rays of sunlight found its way through the thin sheet of clouds. While Libby was getting ready for the sunlight to grow stronger the apposeing trainer acted.

The boy across the field kicked the dirt, sending a small puff of sediment into the air, hovering around his feet, all the while the rays of light growing wider and bigger, taking up more space in the field. His left hand reached for his pokeball dangling from his belt around his waist, grabbing a yellow and black pokeball he had used so many times before.

"Unlike you Natasha, I don't give my pokemon nicknames," said the boy, his hand had now been extended in front of him as he got into a baseball pitchers' stance and swung his pokeball into the midst of the field. The ball sored high above the ground and opened, revealing a ball of light that quickly took form.

"Charizard! You can beat that wimpy pokemon, show it all you've got!"

Like always, Natasha thought, he is way to over-confident.

The majestic creature opened his wings, the sun shineing grandly on his body. Then the Charizard pounced into the air above Libby's head and started flying higher and higher, the blue interior of his wings sliding over the air like water.

All of a sudden Libby roared, a deep, loud and strong roar, indicating that it had absorbed all the sunlight it could have and was ready to aim and fire.

"On my count Libby,"Natasha yelled,"Wait until he gets close enough and fire! 3,.........2,............1-", but before Natasha could finish Charizard came pelting downwards from the sky at a speed both Libby and Natasha never expected, but even so, Natasha remained firm.

This is too easy, Natasha thought, way to easy.

Libby acted on her own free will as Charizard came closer, firing her beautiful beam of light, engulfing Charizard entirely.

Natasha held her breath, the beam became more powerful over the passing seconds, growing wider and wider. Aruptly, the beam stopped, the Charizard, dangerously scorched, fell to the ground, but groggily got up again by orders from his trainer.

"Charizard! Get up! You can do better than that! It's only a grass type!!"

Charizard blinked several times, but got into battle stance, ignoreing the huge roar of boo's from Natasha's side of the field.

"Charizard! Flamethrower! Do it!"

Charizard opened his mouth as a stream of fire erupted from it, heading in Libby's direction. Charizard repeated this over and over in quick succession over and over, each hitting a vurnerable part of Libby, but all she could do was stand and endure it, however much it hurt.

"Stop Charizard!" Panting and exhausted Charizard ceased, eventually stopping completely.

"Too bad Daniel", Natasha said arrogantly,"your Charizard is done for."

"Oh yeah?! I'll show you! Look at the state of your pokemon!"

Angered by her words Daniel yelled,"Charizard! Finish this off with a Fire Blast!"

Charizard drew all of its remaining strength, the fire ball growing larger, when finally it exploded from his mouth and rocketed towards Libby. The flame, red-hot by the look of it, engulfed Libby whole.

As the flame still kept on growing bigger, Libby was standing still in the midst of it all, not dareing to move.

"Libby! Use Growth!"

Libby, a dark figure in the center of the flames, grew taller and larger than she already was, her flower on her back absorbing the flames as though it was just a tiny bit of food being gobbled up by a giant.

The flames eventually disappeared completly, there stood Libby, a few scrochs here and there, but other than that she was just fine. With all the enery absorbed into Libby from Sunny Day and from the Fire Blast Flames, Natasha commanded,"Solarbeam Libby, and give it your all." Natasha's calm voice echoed over the silence of the field, and as it reached Libby, Libby nodded, a nod of understanding. Then, once again she absorbed what little of the Sunny Day was left, and released all the energy left in her, for her last final beam would be a good one.Surrounding Charizard it portrayed one of Libby's strongest attacks yet.

Silence once again passed over the huge crowds sitting around Daniel and Natasha. Until the beam died down nobody could see Charizard and when they did he was bruised horribly along with scorchs, makeing him look almost dead. Charizard nodded at Libby in acceptence and closed his eyes and fell to the ground, he had fainted.

He fainted.........., Natasha thought, he fainted.......that means-

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," a loud, young male voice boomed around the field,"WE HAVE A NEW WINNER FOR THE POKEMON LEAGUE!! THIS BATTLE WILL BE CARRIED DOWN IN THE RECORDS BOOKS!! NATASHA FANLARY HAS WON!"

As the silence was broken into huge claps of applause and cheers NAtasha looked toward her Venusaur, she was barely standing, at the ridge of fainting. Natasha shakely walked up to Libby and hugged her snout, since her neck was too massive.

"Oh Libby! We did it! I think I understand now...........about how you said that your always there for me.......THANK YOU SO MUCH LIBBY!" As Natasha started giving Libby berries to heal her health a little bit, Natasha felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning Natasha saw Daniel, standing there in his shorts & overlarge t-shirt, his jet-black hair clinging to his forehead, glistening with sweat.

"Good game. I guess I underestimated you.....sorry."

Natasha looked at his hand for a few seconds, then extended her arms and hugged him tightly.

"No! Thank you Daniel! You helped me in so many ways!" Natasha continued in a whisper,"thank-you so much"

Then Natasha acwardly let go, hugged Libby again before returning her, and then as she turned back to Daniel she saw that he was at the other end of the field, waveing good-bye and yelling, "We will meet again, right?"

"Right!"

"Till then!"

"Bye!"

Natasha watched as Daniel left, and then turned toward the opposite exit and started walking herself.

"You know Libby, we're still at the brink of understanding each other"

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R&R

;003; ~*Khoudafis*~

Mudskipper
30th September 2005, 4:10 AM
EDIT: Now that's way more like it. The descriptiveness took my breath away. I felt like I was actually there. Don't stop, 'cause this is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Khanom_Ana
22nd October 2005, 8:21 AM
Really? Thank-you! Well, now I know that I shouldn't make this a one-shot! Sorry about the little thing I did, I was just checking to see if it was working

Sneaky
22nd October 2005, 11:02 AM
It's good but the next time you write a story, try to space the words out and use the ENTER key for paragraphing, it makes the story a whole lot easier to read.

Khanom_Ana
25th October 2005, 12:43 AM
SneakyFella: Happy now?

Khanom_Ana
16th November 2005, 12:01 AM
Natasha stood before the sign posted in front of Professor Oaks laboratory. He had told Natasha to meet him after winning the Pokemon League and becoming champ.

The sign said in clear letters:
I AM ON A TRIP BE BACK IN A WEEK

Natasha sighed. Why does this always happen to me??

Shading her eyes and staring up into the strongly beating sun, Natasha calculated the time. Taking a deep breath to keep herself from yelling, for crying out loud.

Natasha took a closer look at the message on the roughly made wooden peg. There was another message under the first one. Natasha quickly shrugged off her black backpack and unzipped the largest pocket.

Taking out a magnifying glass, Natasha held it over the barely legible words. Using her hand as a shade, Natasha made out what the words said:
I very sorry to have frustrated you Natasha, but I got an urgent call from Professor Elm! If you go inside my lab you can get the new pokedex I promised you and set to work on filling it up! Tootles!

Tossing the magnifying glass back into her backpack and hastily zipping it up, Natasha quickly made her way into the lab. Pushing the door open, Natasha walked in.

Running her hand over the rough walls Natasha searched for the light switch. Finally finding it, Natasha hurriedly flipped it on. Scanning the room with her eyes; the room was as clean as ever left for the lone desk in the corner. The air seemed to hang heavily on Natasha’s shoulders, but that’s how a lab is supposed to be right?

“Ah! Much better! Now…….where is it?”

With the help of her pokemon Natasha found her pokedex. Recalling her pokemon Natasha happily sat down on the cold floor. Her hands quickly opened the gray pokedex.

Perfect, the Professor always knew I love shades of black! Swiftly typing in her name and information Natasha pushed the pokemon data button.

“Hello Natasha, you have 45 types of pokemon and have seen 72 kinds of pokemon, would you like to have a list showing the pokemon you have not caught?” The dull robotic voice echoed around the room.

Pressing the ‘yes’ button, the screen on the pokedex started loading the data into a list for Natasha to read. While waiting, Natasha looked around the room. Computers on mahogany tables stood against the wall while a little metal device stood in the center of the room.

Oh! That’s the pokemon transfer device! Looking back at her pokedex Natasha saw that it had finished loading.

“Okay! Let’s see if I can find an interesting pokemon to catch!…………….hmm, there’s a section on legendaries! Maybe we can find a suitable pokemon up to a challenge against me and you, huh Libby?”

A green and black pokeball on Natasha’s belt glowed and a second later Libby sat beside Natasha, grunting her agreement.

“Great! Now that I have your opinion let’s start looking!”

Sitting on the floor for up to an hour Natasha scanned through the ‘Legendary Pokemon’ list with Libby.

Libby extended one of her vines and tapped it on Raikou’s name, gradually dragging it on Entei and Suicune’s name too.

“Nice Libby! We’ll catch these! Now let’s go and stock up on supplies before we go!”

Recalling Libby into her pokeball Natasha walked back out the laboratory to meet the last warm embrace of sunlight for the day as it set behind the distant mountains.
************************************************** ******
Yes, I know, really short chapter, but with school and all.............

R&R please!

Evan Turner
16th November 2005, 7:22 AM
Well I read both of them today.......they were good, i can say that........i saw no spelling errrs at the moment, and i like theplot line.......i like the way you got natasha to ave her own personality...but it could be better......but it's still very good.......this has very good potential...keep going. i'lll PROBABLY be a permanent reader. i haven't been keeping too many promises on that, but still, i'll probably be back. good job

Khanom_Ana
16th November 2005, 11:08 PM
Thank you!! ^^

Khanom_Ana
26th December 2005, 7:34 AM
Yes....I'm a huge procrastinator.....but I finally have Chapter three underway! ^^

Articunomew
26th December 2005, 11:13 AM
Hmm, what can I say?
A good fic, you don't find many fictions that start with the main character becoming the Pokemon League Champion.
A word of advice first: I started out pretty much the same way. Don't get any legendary Pokemon anytime soon. They're legendary POkemon for a reason; to be elusive and hard to catch. That was my first mistake.

Your description is good, a little more wouldn't hurt, but if you want, you can stick to the level it is now.

On the plus side: A believable character with believable Pokemon, a (So far) clear goal and well-defined descriptions. A question though: What are Natasha's other Pokemon? We've only seen Libby so far.
I'll keep an eye on this fic, and keep up the good work.

C ya!

Mudskipper
31st December 2005, 9:23 PM
Great job, once again. A bit short, a few grammatical mistakes... other than that, it's very nice.

I have a few questions. Is Natasha friendless or something? What are her other Pokemon? Now what are her main goals? What kind of title is 'Beginning to Live'? (Last question was a joke.)

Khanom_Ana
31st December 2005, 11:59 PM
No, she is not friendless, just because she doesn't have any person with jer on her journey does not make her friendless, she just likes to be with pokemon more than with people.
Natasha's other pokemon will be revealed through the chapters, Libby has only been shown in these first chapters because Natasha is closer to Libby than her other pokemon.
Well, with defeating the Pokemon League and all, Natasha'a just set out to get some pokemon to fill up her pokedex a bit more, but I'll pop in a adventure once I get the main idea of how this story is forming in my mind.
The title 'Beginning to Live' is....strange. I'll admit that much. What happened is that my sister kept bugging me, so I made her promise me that she won't annoy me anymore if she could give a title to the story I was writing. Later when I tryed to go back to change it I just couldn't think of any other title. So it pretty much stuck

mindripper
1st January 2006, 12:01 AM
Hey there. Here to review. Your first chapter was actually pretty well done, except that you did not really do a very good job with dialogue. Erm something you can do would be to read it aloud and think if you would be comfortable hearing so saying that in real life.

Your second chapter is really really short. Perhaps you could have waited a little, to see if you can combine with any further writing to make it a little longer at least? The second chapter follows Natasha once again, but does not tell us anymore than what we already know thus far. Perhaps you should introduce several other characters, or even some of her other Pokemon. Also, you should let us know what her story is about as well.

Well, good luck and PM me if you have any problems.

Saffire Persian
1st January 2006, 12:12 AM
I'll go through this piece by piece:



The pokeball opened revealing a Venusaur, massive and far larger than any other Venusaur ever raised, the flower on her back elegantly bloomed as it took it's battle stance.

So.. she's 14 with a Venusaur? And not only that, but it's bigger than any other Venusaur in known existance.. excuse me, but I am beginning to see the beginnings of a Mary-Sue here.


"Libby! Use Sunny Day and then solarbeam!"

Capitalize Solarbeam


Libby the Venusaur raised her head towards the sky while rays of sunlight found its way through the thin sheet of clouds. While Libby was getting ready for the sunlight to grow stronger the apposeing trainer acted.

Couple of problems, first it should be 'through a thin sheet of cloud.' it sounds a bit better, no? And it's Opposing, not apposeing. Methinks spellcheck should've caught that. Use spellcheck!


The boy across the field kicked the dirt, sending a small puff of sediment into the air, hovering around his feet,

I think.. that description was too flowery.. I found it rather..erm..cheesy, no offense.


take up space in the field.

I found your word usuage odd. Sunlight really doesn't 'take up field space' it's like air, it's just there. It doesn't exactly 'take up', it just 'exists'.



"Unlike you Natasha, I don't give my pokemon nicknames," said the boy, his hand had now been extended in front of him as he got into a baseball pitchers' stance and swung his pokeball into the midst of the field. The ball sored high above the ground and opened, revealing a ball of light that quickly took form.

Eh.. He actually 1. waited to send out his Pokemon as the Sunny Day was taking place? Methinks the time between Natasha calling out her attack and this boy releasing his Pokemon would have been second in between.

Secondly, you're overdescribing the stance.. I don't like how the above paragraph sounds - it sounds kinda choppy to me. And it should be 'unlike you, Natasha'



Libby, a dark figure in the center of the flames, grew taller and larger than she already was, her flower on her back absorbing the flames as though it was just a tiny bit of food being gobbled up by a giant.

Erm.. normally when you put more fodder for the fire, the fire feeds on it and grows larger, it doesn't smother it. In this action sequence, Libby seems to be fueling the fire. 0-o Plus, Sunny Day Heightens a Fire Types Power move's, so the Venusaur should've been roasted. 0_o


scrochs here and there, but other than that she was just fine.

... -_-... NO matter how fast Growth regenerates, she still has taken damage via fire - and element she does not like - plus, Growth heightens special attack (I believe.. that or defense *shruggs*) Not a HP healing move. While her exterior may look fine - possibly, but in truth, I highly doubt it would be this easy - she shouldn't be all that fine.

And it should be scorches, not scrochs. Spellcheck, yes!


With all the enery absorbed into Libby from Sunny Day and from the Fire Blast Flames,

Erm.. no. The energy from Sunny Day, yes. Fire Blast, No. You see, Fire Blast is a different kind of light - it gives off light yes, but it doesn't give the nutrients the sun does - which is what makes plants grow. Plus, the light from the flames would be short, and not that great.. plus, she would've got burned from the whole thing. 0_o.. which would have been less than beneficial.


and released all the energy left in her, for her last final beam would be a good one.Surrounding Charizard it portrayed one of Libby's strongest attacks yet.

Pray tell, what's her strongest attack? Oh, don't tell me, Frenzy Plant! -_-


"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," a loud, young male voice boomed around the field,"WE HAVE A NEW WINNER FOR THE POKEMON LEAGUE!! THIS BATTLE WILL BE CARRIED DOWN IN THE RECORDS BOOKS!! NATASHA FANLARY HAS WON!"

Pokémon League, could've guessed. 0_o Should've guessed. I"m getting strong and true Mary-sue vibes here...badly.


at the ridge of fainting. Natasha shakely walked up to Libby and hugged her snout, since her neck was too massive.

At the verge of fainting, you mean?


"Oh Libby! We did it! I think I understand now...........about how you said that your always there for me.......THANK YOU SO MUCH LIBBY!"

What the crap...


"Good game. I guess I underestimated you.....sorry."

Natasha looked at his hand for a few seconds, then extended her arms and hugged him tightly.

"No! Thank you Daniel! You helped me in so many ways!" Natasha continued in a whisper,"thank-you so much"

Then Natasha acwardly let go, hugged Libby again before returning her, and then as she turned back to Daniel she saw that he was at the other end of the field, waveing good-bye and yelling, "We will meet again, right?"


Static dialogue - rather chessy too. It has the potential to be good.. be so far, not.

OVer all, you have a bad case of Mary-sueness. True-blue Mary-sue we have in Natasha here. Which is bad, very bad. Mary-sues don't make good characters (save in a full-fledged parody). Keep away from it - the characters here were as stiff as cardboard, with no real personality of which to speak of, fix this.

And, you make Natasha seem all powerful, and the stuff you have her do (or her venusaur) and what happens during it are vastly unbelievable and unrealistic, think things through.

Your description could use work, and your grammar is okay, save for some things here and there, but you don't seem to be using spellcheck. You WANT spellcheck, yes. It'll help your story look.. erm.. a bit more professional.

You have a lot of stuff to work on, and hopefully you'll keep such things in mind.

Mudskipper
2nd January 2006, 11:56 PM
You'll pop in "an adventure"? *gets out popcorn bucket* I'll be waiting for your next addition!