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Eternal Daydreamer
7th October 2005, 12:56 AM
Four mystical rings called the Rings of Kygore were forged over a thousand years ago when the world was new. In modern time the Sensational Sisters have found them, and this is what happens.

“Blah”- Human Speech
“Italics”- Pokemon (So I don’t have to write it out.)

Prologue

“Like, this salt air is doing nothing for my hair,” Lily complained. Violet rolled her eyes while she continued sunbathing. “Maybe, you should have stayed home with Misty,” she said causally. “Or I can drive you home without telling Daisy.” This part was said so idly it made Lily gulp. This was so because unlike Daisy, Violet wasn’t able to drive very well and most likely would hit a tree.

“Hey, I found something!” Lily and Violet turned their heads to see their older sister.Their sister was a tall teenager wearing a tube top swimsuit. Her long blonde hair bounced with each step she took. Daisy was running towards them while insanely waving a box dripping seaweed and saltwater.

When she finally reached them huffing and puffing; she handed Violet the box. The box was made of dark rotting wood and smelled of decay. Lily took a step backwards in order to escape the stench. “That stinks so bad it’s ruining my hairdo!”

BONG!

The next moment Lily was on her knees cradling her head with Violet standing above her with an annoyed expression on her face while holding the box in her hands. “Why did you do that for?” Lily whined."I’m tired of you complaining,” Violet replied coldly with a stoic expresion upon her face. “Look! You broke the box!” Daisy exclaimed. Indeed the box did break in half.

Among a large amount of sand, four glittering rings tumbled onto the beach right behind Lily. Lily turned her head to see the closet ring - a simple steel band with a aquamarine colored stone set into it. The stone shone slightly and mesmerized Lily grabbed it greedily and put it onto her finger. Daisy grabbed the closest one to her and did the same. A more elaborate steel design with a dark blue stone, larger than the one on Lily’s ring.

Violet, like her sister’s grabbed another ring and put it on. It was not as simple as Lily’s nor as elaborate as Daisy’s. It was a single band shaped into a ring that looked like a Dragonair. It’s stone was a cerulean color and it was a medium size. “What should we like do with that last one?” Daisy said eying the last ring. “I should have it,” Lily said greedily.

Violet glared at her. “We should give it to Misty. After all, we did leave her behind when we went on that trip around the world,” the blue haired teenager said sagely. “Why should we?” Lily’s eyes darted back and forth from the last ring to Violet. “You were the one who ‘accidently’ dropped Misty’s ticket into the Goldeen tank,” Daisy said remembering the day before they called Misty.

“Well, let’s give to her for Christmas, then. It’s five months away anyways,” Lily said sadly as if it pained her not to be the owner of the last ring. “That’s fine,” Daisy said approvingly. Violet, however, didn’t like the sound of it, but wisely held her tongue. “Come on. It’s getting cold,” she said instead. Her sisters nodded and Daisy left to start the car while Violet and Lily packed up their stuff.

Soon after they had left, a very old woman - that was wearing a shawl even at the hot tempature's of the beac - came up to the spot were the sisters had been not less then five minutes ago. Leaning upon a walking stick, the old woman leaned to examine the broken box. "It seems that the Rings are loose," she said to herself darkly with a grave expression upon her face. "I hope to Mew that the people who have found them doesn't have any water Pokemon. If they do, Mew have mercy upon us all."

Well, here's the prologue and the first chapter will be out soon.

Edit: I fixed my mistakes and hopefully, made the ending more suspenseful.

Klaus
7th October 2005, 4:40 AM
YES, Misty's siblinings. I like it, the decription wasn't very detailed. I know
what the sister's look like, you just need to decribe them anyway.

I like the plot, it seems pretty original.

I can definetly see it go far.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
7th October 2005, 6:40 AM
Thank you Klaus! I had hoped the plot seemed original. And anyone reading this, please reply. It makes me feel empty when I know this is being read but no one is telling me if they liked it or not... Oh, and sorry if I'm not too descriptive that's not one of my strong suits BUT I make it up in originality right? Again, thank you Klaus for pointing out something I need to improve on.

I have decided to update early so here is Chapter One!

Chapter 1

Tossing and turning, Violet woke up when the pale moonlight touched her face. Groaning softly she got out of bed and walked to the window. The moonlight glinted off the stone in her ring which she gotten a week before. Like Daisy and Lily, she had grown accustomed to wearing her ring 24-7. Leaning on the windowsill she looked the landscape over. Unusually, it did not interest her one bit.

Groaning softly again she walked over to her bedside table and turned on the lamp, which was shaped like a Corsala. Using the light from the lamp, Violet took out a swimsuit from the dresser. Stopping a moment to admire her reflection in the mirror, she adjusted her long blue hair. Sighing happily she took off the nightgown which she had been wearing

After putting on the swimsuit and taking a Pokeball containing a Feralgatr, Violet lazily drifted to the pool near the Chinchou tank to a take a short swim.
With a near silent splash she entered the water in the dimly lit room.

Absently, she released her first Pokemon, the Feralgatr, into the water and put the Pokeball on edge of the pool. The mighty beast barely disturbed the water when it entered. “I don’t like your ring. Get rid of it,” he said solemnly to Violet who was floating near him. “Hm, what is it, Hyde?” she asked him. Hyde growled softly then dived under the water. Violet paid him no heed since Feralgatrs were naturally grumpy and upset.

After a few minutes, the middle Waterflower pulled herself out of the water. Hyde grabbed the railing and pulled his muscular body out of the water. Glaring at the offending ring which he had earlier shown his displeasure, Hyde pulled his scaly lips over pointed teeth and snarled fiercely. Violet eyed him with one eye. “Get rid of the Mew blasted ring! Or I will!” the Feralgtr bellowed. Even though she could not understand him, Violet gulped in fear and bent down to get the Pokeball.

The slash barely missed the blue hair of Violet. Startled, she fell to the damp floor with a groan. Her Dragonair ring fell off her finger and rolled down a groove in the tile. Hyde loped after it and snarling, picked the ‘Mew blasted’ thing up. “Hyde, no!” Hyde barely glanced at Violet and tried to crush the ring in his clawed hand.

It would surprisingly not be broken! The only thing that happened was that Hyde had created a minute scratch hardly big enough to see in the stone. “Mew!” the large Pokemon exclaimed in surprise and dropped the ring.

In a swift motion, Violet recalled her Pokemon and scooped up the ring with a trembling hand. “T-that was unexpected,” she said half to herself and half to the Pokeball. With a shaking hand she replaced the ring and went back to bed shakily.

Fatal
8th October 2005, 3:34 AM
Chapter 1 was slightly better than I expected it to be! It was good!

Bigbrother87
8th October 2005, 5:28 AM
Unfortunatly your first little description made me think of Lord of the rings, that may be intentional, but you can't really compare pokemon to LotR. You make us think these rings are either really strong for some reason, or really evil. Other than Hydes reaction to the ring, we have no evidence of this yet. Also your chapters are kinda short, and don't have a lot of content.

If you can make your future chapters longer, and give us more about these rings, I think you could have a great fic on your hands.

Please note your fic is the first one I've rated, so all this is is my unprofessional opinion.

Eternal Daydreamer
8th October 2005, 5:29 AM
Not a very suspenseful ending, plenty of spelling errors, not enough description (even for a prologue)

One word that sums all those up:

CRAP!

god damn, if you want to hear an example of a good fic, read Who Shot Brendan Birch?
If you read that you'll realize your fic sucks like ****!
*bows head in shame* I am sorry that you didn't like it. Perhaps you need to correct me on the things I did wrong I could make it better. But please don't cuss. And I know I don't describe very well, that's my worst part but I try to describe things well but I don't.

I thought I good spelling. But give me examples of what I mispelled, please. The endings will be suspenseful later, just give it time.

I wonder if you have heard the saying, "Good manners will get you farther in life than anything else." I try to follow this, sometimes I'm not succesful but most of the time I am. So please, I ask you and any other reader use your manners when you are telling me that my story is bad.

Lastly but not least, please don't compare me with other writers. Please, calmly explain why my story is bad and how I can improve. Treat me with respect and I will try to respect you in return. I try to respect others even if I don't like what they wrote, even though I might get angry at them and insult them. I will feel bad afterwards. Please note that I'm young and this is the first story I publicly posted for others to read.

Hopefully, now I will be told how to improve my writing and not be so insulted

Eternal Daydreamer
8th October 2005, 5:46 AM
(Sorry for double posting)


Unfortunatly your first little description made me think of Lord of the rings, that may be intentional, but you can't really compare pokemon to LotR. You make us think these rings are either really strong for some reason, or really evil. Other than Hydes reaction to the ring, we have no evidence of this yet. Also your chapters are kinda short, and don't have a lot of content.

If you can make your future chapters longer, and give us more about these rings, I think you could have a great fic on your hands.

Please note your fic is the first one I've rated, so all this is is my unprofessional opinion.

First, the link between Lord of the Rings and the short first description was unintentional and I thought they didn't sound alike but oh well, the rings in this and the Lord of the Rings are not even similar, though. Ah, yes Hyde's reaction was supposed to be the only thing to note this. And pay attention what happens to the ring, it's important. Oops, a spoiler.

2. I can make the chapters longer, no problem! Thank you for telling me. They won't be like ten pages long each though, maybe if they are important though..

3. The rings are supposed to be shrouded in mystery until about chapter five or so. So you guys will have to wait. Please note that minor things in this story will have a bigger impact than you think. Drat, another spoiler. Just a tiny bit of how the rings influence those who wear them will be out in chapter two.

4. Don't worry about this being your first 'professional review' before. This is my first published story!

(Sorry again for double posting)

DKzM0mA
8th October 2005, 5:54 AM
Not a very suspenseful ending, plenty of spelling errors, not enough description (even for a prologue)

One word that sums all those up:

CRAP!

god damn, if you want to hear an example of a good fic, read Who Shot Brendan Birch? (http://serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=17771&highlight=Shot+Brendan)
If you read that you'll realize your fic sucks like ****!

Dude i know its's not the best Fic but therez no need to cuss or anythiing. Try giving him/her some pointers.BTW: IT's ok. I would say a little bit touching up on the grammer and like MR.BADMOUTH said it aint really suspenceful but i'm sure it'll get better.

Fatal
8th October 2005, 5:59 AM
*bows head in shame* I am sorry that you didn't like it. Perhaps you need to correct me on the things I did wrong I could make it better. But please don't cuss. And I know I don't describe very well, that's my worst part but I try to describe things well but I don't.

I thought I good spelling. But give me examples of what I mispelled, please. The endings will be suspenseful later, just give it time.

I wonder if you have heard the saying, "Good manners will get you farther in life than anything else." I try to follow this, sometimes I'm not succesful but most of the time I am. So please, I ask you and any other reader use your manners when you are telling me that my story is bad.

Lastly but not least, please don't compare me with other writers. Please, calmly explain why my story is bad and how I can improve. Treat me with respect and I will try to respect you in return. I try to respect others even if I don't like what they wrote, even though I might get angry at them and insult them. I will feel bad afterwards. Please note that I'm young and this is the first story I publicly posted for others to read.

Hopefully, now I will be told how to improve my writing and not be so insulted

*laughs* I'm younger than you are! (if you were really born in '91) but anyways, sorry about the insult, (I was in a very bad mood earlier) and welcome to the forums! (just to warn you, peace and respect is the last thing you're gonna find on SPPF, and you're gonna hear tons of swearing!)

About the story:

Here is a list of your spelling errors:

1)
“Like maybe, you should of stayed home with Misty,”

Comment: It's should have, not should of


2)
Violet wasn’t able to drive very well and must likely would hit a tree.

Comment: It's most likely, not must likely


3)
Lily turned her head to see the closet ring, a simple steel band with a aquamarine colored stone set into it.

Comment: Whenever you are further describing something, you put a
dash (-) and not a comma (,)


4)
Violet, like her sister’s grabbed another ring and put it on.

Comment: Should be sisters, not sister's. You only put an apostrophe (') and an S when you are showing that something belongs to someone. Like John's toy, or Bill's PC

5)
Violet however didn’t like the sound of it but wisely held her tongue.

Should look like this: Violet, however, didn't like the sound of it, but wisely held her tounge.

So, in all there are five errors in your story...

Also, over-use of the word like (even if it's supposed to be a valley girl story) sounds very bad. And it could use a lot more description and length. Try to describe with stuff like facial expressions, or physical descriptions of all the girls after you mention their names. Something like, "Then the oldest sister came walking toward the rest. She was tall, with long blonde hair and a tube top bikini." Also the reason I mentioned the other story was to give you an example of how your length and description should be. The way your story is, it's telling something that happened over the course of 5 minutes, which is not very exciting, however, with better detail and length, this story does have some potential. Perhaps you should let me be your editor, since I'm so good with grammar and such... But if I seem like such a bad guy, you can say no... I won't be offended...

Eternal Daydreamer
8th October 2005, 5:05 PM
Thank you! I'll go fix that. And I understand that you were in a bad mood. Yes, you can be my editor. Again I thank you.


*laughs* I'm younger than you are! (if you were really born in '91) but anyways, sorry about the insult, (I was in a very bad mood earlier) and welcome to the forums! (just to warn you, peace and respect is the last thing you're gonna find on SPPF, and you're gonna hear tons of swearing!)

Good to know. I'll keep that in mind. Didn't I say that I'm not all peace and respect? I've got a mean temper, that's why my screen name's Diva and my tittle is Prima Donna! I can swear too, if I have too. I better go fix those mistakes. Oh and some of those things you listed were mistakes, those were typos.

Fatal
8th October 2005, 8:47 PM
Wow... it's a lot better, now. I just read over chapter 1 and I like the way you made Feraligatr a mean, grumpy Pokemon. I could imagine it almost in my head. I didn't find any spelling errors in chapter 1, so keep up the good work!

~*Ratiosu*~
8th October 2005, 9:19 PM
Well, this isn't the best fic in the world...in fact I've seen a lot better ones. But you are trying and it's the thought that counts, right? :)

1. Length-Not good. Yours was about six paragraphs. Try writing on Microsoft Word, and your chapters should be at least a page. Then copy and paste them into the reply box. I write in the reply box just because my chapters are always long, as I go in-depth and all.

2. Description-Also not good. I need to know what they looked like, who they are...like your desription for Feraligatr. If I had never seen a Feraligatr, I wouldn't understand you now, would I? It should be somewhat like this:

As Violet put her five-foot frame into the water, she took a red and white sphere that had been stored on the edge of the pool. Taking it into one hand, she threw it into the air. From the sphere, a flash of white dove into the pool and transformed into another five-foot figure. This one, taking color, was a large light blue alligator. It's back was lined with red triangles, as was its head. It swished the long blue tail impatiently, and its large jaw snapped at the air, indicating it was happy to get out of its Poke'Ball. The bottom of its jaw was a creamy yellow, and the last thing to materialize was its large, muscular legs.

Don't use that though. But description makes everything longer. So if you use that, you'll get a lot better chapters. So far, I don't see it going anywhere as far as the plot, but still...there could be a big turnaround.

~XKaze

Eternal Daydreamer
8th October 2005, 9:29 PM
Yes, this Feralgatr is grumpy but he's not really mean. He just wanted to get rid of Violet's ring and was irritated that she wouldn't get would of it. Like the old woman in the end of the prologue meant that the rings shouldn't be near any water Pokemon.
I had hoped that the prologue is better now, and I even added a more suspensful ending! The second chapter will be out in about a day or so.

~*Ratiosu*~
8th October 2005, 9:33 PM
I'm not saying he's not mean...just you need a bunch more description and length. But I hope the second chapter comes out soon!

Eternal Daydreamer
8th October 2005, 9:59 PM
Oh, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking about the post above you. Sorry, if I offended you. I'm working on the second chapter right now. And I know this isn't the best story either, and it's the thought that counts.

Klaus
9th October 2005, 3:37 AM
OH OH OH OH OH OH YEAH!*amazing*

I liked it, it was on the bit 'O' short side, but is was still
really good. I know your trying hard, lol, it's better then my
fics, when first started.

Description:Yeah, I know some have trouble with it, I know I do, but it gets better once you get to know your characters. Feraligater could have used a bit more description, but I like decription, but I you use known character I can usually already
see them, and it's the same with Feraligater, but if you get a hold of someone who really like description....yeah...anyway.

I like, just make if longer and it'l be Maxie-licious!

As always, be kind to the mime

Eternal Daydreamer
14th October 2005, 12:26 AM
I am currently having a writers block so the next chapter won't be out this week. Sorry.

Klaus
14th October 2005, 5:30 AM
Whaa, writer's block, the number one killer of fics. Well, I hope youg et over it soon. I just came here to offer some tips to get of:

.Re-read your story, it helps.

.Listen to Music , helps also.

Yeah, I feel for you. But, take your time, we'll be here when you
overcome the horrid block.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
15th October 2005, 6:59 AM
I have finally finished chapter two! And I'm out of my writers block! Alright, I'm kind of. This chapter introduces a new character and some effects of the mysterious Rings of Kyogre.

Chapter 2

In the morning Daisy and Lily was in the kitchen of the Cerulean Gym eating their normal breakfast of a light salad each. Misty currently, was still in bed since Daisy and Lily were early risers. Feeling awkward, Daisy set down her fork. “Like, where’s Violet? She’s like got a hair appointment in like a hour,” she said timidly. “Like, I don’t know. Maybe she’s getting dressed?” Lily suggested.

“Who’s getting dressed?” a familiar voice asked from the doorway. Lily rolled her eyes. “Like, what do you care?” she asked sarcastically. “She meant Violet, Misty,” Daisy added quickly. Misty let out a soft oh and walked over to the counter. “Want some toast?” she asked her older sisters sweetly. “Of course not! Do you want us to get fat?!” snapped Lily, irritably.

“I don’t know about getting fat, but some toast sounds great. Make double,” Violet said as she waltzed in wearing her pajamas with a robe over it. “Look who finally decided to show up.” Violet glared daggers at Lily. “I needed some more sleep. I, uh had trouble sleeping last night so I was still tired, that’s it,” Violet snapped but the last sentence she stammered a little. Daisy raised an eyebrow. “I know you’re lying. It’s not that hard to figure out.”

Ignoring this conversation, Misty had continued making her toast. Suddenly, Violet quickly
turned her attention to the red head. “I thought I told you to make me toast!” she snarled and stormed over to where her younger sister was standing. “I was gonna but-” Misty was cut off when she received a hard smack across her cheek from Violet. “Next time I ask for something, I expect to receive it!” Misty’s sister snarled.

Daisy, upon seeing this, ran to the aid of her younger sister, as did Lily. What was going to happen next was interrupted, by a voice which none of the sisters had heard before. “Well, I came for a gym battle and this is what I find?!” The voice sounded both shocked and annoyed. “Mew, kill me now,” Daisy muttered and slapped her forehead. The intruder walked in as if she was the queen of Kanto. She glanced over the scene with an air of proud amusement. “Well, I’ll be a Mankey’s aunt, the Cerulean gymleaders a bunch of squabbling sisters?!”

The newcomer was a fourteen year old teenager. Her long hair was pulled into a long, fluffy ponytail that resembled an Arcanine’s mane. This and the rest of features -blue eyes, arched nose and eyebrows, a toothed necklace upon a slender throat- proclaimed the word: diva. Her clothes were simple, though, a white t-shirt with blue shorts. Six red and white Pokeballs circled her waist.

Daisy, at the moment looked like she was going to kill someone - most likely the diva intruder - Lily and Violet looked angry - not as angry as Daisy at the moment, though - and Misty was ignoring the intruder and started rubbing a red cheek. “If you want to battle,” Daisy said through clenched teeth. “Go to the pool and wait.” The intruder raised an eyebrow. “Why should I have to wait?” was the message the raised eyebrow suggested. “Go, or I’ll call the police on you for trespassing!” The intruder looked scared, but just for a moment before leaving in a huff.

Turning upon her sisters, Daisy started barking out commands. “Violet! Get dressed and go to your appointment! Lily! Get the pool platforms! Misty! Get my Pokemon! Now! GO! GO! GO I SAY!” Startled by the sudden orders, her sisters stood dumfounded because Daisy was usually mild mannered unless there was a failing grade involved. “I SAID GO!” The order had the other sisters scrambling to obey. Breakfast was obviously abandoned..

***Ten minutes later***

After some tedious chores later, the battle between Daisy and the diva was about to begin. Daisy, though still a little ticked, begun the battle with a gym leader’s courtesy. “I am Daisy, the gym leader here. What is your name?” The diva replied with mocking courtesy, “I am Kylee, from Littleroot Town in Hoenn. I have come for a Cascade Badge.” Daisy’s sisters, Lily and Misty were leaning against the wall waiting for the battle patiently - Violet, by this time had gotten dressed and rushed to her appointment. “I wonder why Violet slapped you,” Lily asked quietly. “Does she need a reason?” Lily shook her head. “Thought not.”

The two sisters turned their attention to the beginning battle. “The battle will be three on three,” Daisy had just finished saying. Kylee nodded her head. “You will start.” Nodding again, Kylee took one of her Pokeballs and tossed it in the air. “Go Electabuzz!” Red light from the Pokeball sent out a creature headfirst. First, a two horned head with six o-clock shadow appeared. Then a strong-looking body covered in yellow fur crossed with black stripes. “Hm, an electric Pokemon. I thought you would use something more creative.”

Yeah, I know not a creative ending. Hopefully, the next chapter will be longer.

Klaus
16th October 2005, 3:48 AM
MISTY! OH OH OH OH OH OH OH I LOVE HER! I'm like so like glad you like used her. OH My Gosh!

Again, wonderful chapter, thought poor Misty being pushed down like that, awww.

I love it, it was wonderful, keep it up.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
16th October 2005, 5:04 AM
Whoa, calm down Klaus! You're starting to talk like Daisy, Violet, and Lily! lol Anyways, Misty finally made her appearence. I thought it was obivious that she would be introduced in this chapter. I mean, her being mentioned in the prologue as in "Maybe you should have stayed home, with Misty." <-- That was indicating that she was in the Cearelun Gym and since chapter one was at night when the other sisters were sleeping Misty would of course make her appearance in chapter two, which she did. About Misty being 'pushed down', she was just slapped. Which was still mean of Violet. :(

Now, about Kylee. She's not a self-insertion, in fact I would be insulted if you called her that! Actually, she's a caricture of a diva - of the same name - in my highschool. Her fluffy ponytail, in fact was a real event a couple of weeks ago. Anyways, originally Kylee's part was Jessie's. (Yes, from Team Rocket.) But then came the writers block and I came up with the idea of having Kylee being the trainer instead.

Anywho, the story in later chapters, about chapter five or six, will be more violent. I'm glad you liked it. BTW, anyone who has questions please post them.

Eternal Daydreamer
7th November 2005, 5:01 AM
Sorry for the DP but no one reviewed so what was I supposed to do when the third chapter was finished? Anyways, here's the third chappie!

Chapter 3

“Hm, an electric Pokemon. I thought you would use something more creative.” That comment that Daisy made was in a tone of someone who has seen something too much and was tired sick of it. “What?! What do you mean something more creative?!” Kylee was less then happy to hear that. Kylee’s left eyebrow started to twitch and her jaw was almost touching the ground in surprise. Not of course, since that is impossible. One’s jaw cannot drop to the ground but one can be very surprised. As in this case, Kylee was both surprised and angry.

Electabuzz was ignoring this and was flexing his muscles. “My, I look handsome today!” he exclaimed and leaned closer to get a better look. Kylee slapped her forehead. “Electabuzz, you idiot!” she cried, her voice shaking with rage. “Get ready for battle!” Electabuzz ignored her and continued looking at his reflection. The sisters’s mouths hang open in surprise.

“A vain Electabuzz?!” Misty’s tone was mocking yet surprised. Daisy - apparently finding this funny- was shaking with silent laughter. Lily -making no attempt to conceal her amusement- laughed loudly and rudely. “Hooooohaaaaaa! A vain Electabuzz! That takes the cake! Hoooooohaaaaa!”

Kylee face flushed red, it wasn’t certain wether it was from embarrassment or anger. “Enough, Lily!” At her older sister’s sudden outburst, Lily fell silent. “Now,” Daisy said more calmly to her opponent. “I believe we have a battle to start.” Her hand picked a Pokeball carefully. Holding it close to her eyes, Daisy inspected it carefully. “Yes,” she said softly half to herself. “This will do very nicely.” With that, the oldest sister tossed the red and white ball into the air. “Go Kingdra!”

Kingdra appeared in the normal flash of red light. His appearance was roughly that of blue seahorse with a tan chest and underbelly. But upon his head was two horns with two ribbon like flaps coming off his horns. Kingdra also had a fairy like wing coming from his back. “Now,” Kingdra said with a slight scowl. “I’m finally allowed to battle.” Electabuzz straightened himself up. “Kylee, this idiot thinks he can beat me!” Kingdra rolled his eyes.

Daisy snorted in contempt. “I’ll start,” she began. “Kingdra go! Blast Electabuzz away with Water Gun!” Kylee grinned. “Electabuzz, use Thunder!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mason yawned loudly as he got up from the bed. A mirror above a cluttered desk showed his reflection. His shaggy, dirty blonde hair fell limply into his dark eyes. His black t-shirt was rumpled and stained with sweat. A peach fuzz beard thinly covered his chin.

Ruffling his hair carelessly with one hand, Mason grabbed a red and white Pokeball with the other. He threw it into the air with a simple flick of his wrist. “Mace, it’s mornin’ time!” Mace had appeared in a flash of light.

Mace was a large dog/tiger like creature that had fluffy stripes near his muzzle. He was an Arcanine. Mason smiled and beckoned Mace to lay down. “Ya, stay there ‘til it’s time to go, ya hear me?” he asked in his gruff tone. “Yessir, I do hear ya loud and clear,” Mace replied and settled down upon the carpeted floor.

With that, Mason set down the Pokeball back on the desk and began ruffling through some papers that was on top of it. Mace yawned and showed his fangs carelessly. “Mason, get your Mew cursed butt down here this moment!” Mason winced, that was Katrina. She must be in a foul temper to curse at him. “Comin’, lady!” he yelled back. “Come, Mace.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Katrina stared down her finely arched nose at the shaggy haired Mason. “What do you mean that you don’t know?!” she growled menacingly. Mason shrugged. “As I said, I don’t know where ya sister is,” the teenager replied carelessly. Katrina sighed and fell back into a comfy chair, draping her arms over the sides of the chair.

Mace, like always, was at Mason’s side lying down lazily. “Dunno why the broad’s got her thong in a twist,” Mace remarked half-heartedly. Katrina glared at the pair as if she understood the Pokemon’s words but this thought was nonsense because she couldn’t understand Mace words anymore than Mason. “My. Parents,” Katrina said through clenched teeth. “Will. Kill. Me. If. We. Don’t. Find. Kylee. Soon.” Mason shrugged once again.

“She’s probably at the gym. Ya know how she wanted to go yesterday?” Mason replied. Katrina took this in consideration and nodded slowly. “I suppose,” she began. “That you are right, Mason. Although, you should get a haircut.” Mason winced more at the random comment then when Katrina called him. He was very touchy about the length of his hair, and she knew it. Katrina was pushing her advantage as owner of the small house and being Kylee’s sister. Kylee being the girlfriend and partner of the teenager in front of her.

“Come, boy, we’re leaving,” Katrina said suddenly and launched herself out of the chair. “Wha?” Mason asked. Mace had the same look of dumb surprise. “We’re going to the gym,” Kylee’s sister added as she grabbed a purse. “Oh, get some shoes on for Jirachi’s sake!”
________
It's been a while, but "Not So Sensational" is still going!

Klaus
7th November 2005, 5:14 AM
Ah,I liked it as always.

The only problem was when archanine was speaking. Was it talking in pokespeech?

Other wise, i liked.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
7th November 2005, 5:21 AM
Yes, Arcanine was speaking in Pokespeach. I forgot to italictilize is so I went and edited it.

Yellow Bommen
18th November 2005, 2:18 AM
Nice. I read the prologue, Diva1, but I still didn't read Chapter 1, 2, and 3 yet. The prologue is pretty good. I like the plot, it's very original. I like the concept of it all. I'll be sure to read Chapter 1, 2, 3, and all the other chapters when I have more time, Diva1. It has a really good plot! Great job!

Eternal Daydreamer
18th November 2005, 2:30 AM
Nice. I read the prologue, Diva1, but I still didn't read Chapter 1, 2, and 3 yet. The prologue is pretty good. I like the plot, it's very original. I like the concept of it all. I'll be sure to read Chapter 1, 2, 3, and all the other chapters when I have more time, Diva1. It has a really good plot! Great job!
Thanksies. ^^ Yep, the plot's original. Almost no fan fiction has the Sensational Sisters as main characters in almost positive light. I changed the plot than what it was going to be. What I mean is when I started this, the plot started out as a superhero story. o.O But I hope you still like it.

And a message to closet readers: Please post! I'm beggin' ya, post for the sakes of a writer who doesn't have but a couple of reviewers.

Yellow Bommen
19th November 2005, 2:59 AM
I read Chapter 1. It is pretty good, I love how it has Feraligatr, cuz he's one of my favorite Pokemon! And the chapter does have quite good detail, for someone that says writing in detail isn't one of her strong suits. Anyways, good job, Diva1! I'll proably read the other chapters next.

Eternal Daydreamer
19th November 2005, 3:08 AM
I read Chapter 1. It is pretty good, I love how it has Feraligatr, cuz he's one of my favorite Pokemon! And the chapter does have quite good detail, for someone that says writing in detail isn't one of her strong suits. Anyways, good job, Diva1! I'll proably read the other chapters next.
Thanks and I chose Feraligatr because no one knows what Pokemon the Sisters have. A Feraligatr just seemed natural to have him as Violet's partner. Glad you like it.

Eternal Daydreamer
12th December 2005, 3:55 AM
I have finally made chapter four! I think it's kind of short, but I couldn't let my main fic die.

Chapter 4

“Ugggggh,” groaned Jen as she tossed a Poke’Cola can into the garbage bin. Raising from her seat to her full height, Jen stretched.

She wasn’t tall or graceful like a certain dive she knew. Jen couldn’t call herself beautiful - since she thought that if one had pimples on one’s face and dirty hair made one a plain person - but she wasn’t a totally hideous person either. This was made plain since when she was younger, several boys younger than herself had developed crushes on her.

Jen laughed gently at the memory but stopped since it hurt her chest. Logan made a soft mewing like sound. The teenager glanced at the brown bird. “I’m fine, ‘Gan. It’s just that this cold is murder,” she sighed and her shoulders sagged. But on a lighter note, Jen added, “Stop being such a worry Politoad!”

Logan stretched his wings. “I’m not worried,” he said. “I just thought that you could use some fresh air. You’ve been cooped up in this Pokecenter for days, it’s not healthy!” Jen rolled her eyes, or tried to. She couldn’t understand Logan, but she knew what her mother would say and guessed that Logan was scolding her.

“Come on, you Pidgey,” Jen said and extended her arm. “We’re takin’ a walk. I need more Poke’Cola anywho That and the troop needs me to help with the tombstones.” Logan glanced at Jen’s arm before fluttering up to it.

“Huh, I could of been the Pokemon of a true trainer, but nooo Mew made me a Pokemon of a member of a roving acting troop!” Logan complained but did nothing else as Jen exited the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The streets of Cerulean City were foggy that morning. The fog made the buildings glitter. This was lost upon Katrina. The eighteen year old was on a mission: to bring back her sister. Dead or alive. This last bit was a joke that Katrina was pushed to think. The truth of it was that Katrina was worried sick about her little sister.

“When I catch her,” Katrina growled under her breath. “I’ll kill Kylee!” Mason, who like Mace was by Katrina’s side, raised an eyebrow.

“I thought,” he said slowly. “You two were sisters!” Katrina stopped and took a swing at the still moving Mason.

Mace was ignoring this, the Arcanine was paying more attention to something else. The hem of Katrina’s skirt, it was going up slightly. The Arcanine was trying to catch a sight of the prima donna’s thong. “Keep goin’, broad!” Mace growled. “I can almost see the thong!”

Mace was a loyal Pokemon but the fact was that he was fond of human women. Mainly Katrina and Kylee. This changed when Kylee began dating Mason, that made her off limits. Katrina on the other hand was still free and Mace tried at every moment to try and see underneath her clothes. Mace was an odd case and the humans knew it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Violet was angry. Not because a total stranger burst into her kitchen when she was in only a robe, that wasn’t it. It was because the idiots that owned the hair salon which she had an appointment to, canceled it because she was late.

This fact made her angry as she stormed down the foggy street. That and she was still hungry. Hunger was no stranger to Violet, since that she starved herself to keep thin. This treatment was almost anorexia nervosa but not quite, yet. Although hunger came often, this time she couldn’t ignore it.

Violet gave in to the hunger when she passed a milburger joint. The smell of cooking Miltank burgers made the middle Sensational Sister drool. Fingering her purse, she ran into the fast food joint.
____
Well, I updated for those who are reading this.

Klaus
12th December 2005, 4:48 AM
YAY! Loved it. It was a bit short, but, it stated alot of things. Yes, and if I may I would like to quote a moment I found amusing.

[QUOTEViolet gave in to the hunger when she passed a milburger joint. The smell of cooking Miltank burgers made the middle Sensational Sister drool. Fingering her purse, she ran into the fast food joint.[/QUOTE]

MILTANK BURGER! O_o *sniff* poormiltank! And for Violet, have fun fingering the purse, LOL.

I loved it.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
12th December 2005, 5:11 AM
YAY! Loved it. It was a bit short, but, it stated alot of things. Yes, and if I may I would like to quote a moment I found amusing.



MILTANK BURGER! O_o *sniff* poormiltank! And for Violet, have fun fingering the purse, LOL.

I loved it.

As always, be kind to the mime.
Thanks. And you found that moment funny? o.O I guess now you guys know that I think that people eat Pokemon.

Eternal Daydreamer
26th December 2005, 4:43 AM
I finished chapter five! "So soon?" you ask. And I say, "I got inspired!" But anyways, here's the next chapter!

Note: I did not write the song in this chapter. That was the Dresden Dolls. I included it because the two people who sang it in this was based on two people who know the song by heart. It's a tribute to them.
Chapter 5

Ben was a stocky teenager of eighteen. His hair curled tightly around his head and a growth of beard covered his chin. His dark eyes were alight with mischief as he glanced at the stage hands.

A purple cobra was laying at his side taking a rest. A tall lanky fifteen year old nearly tread on the cobra as he passed. Ben growled in a deep voice. “Mendel!” he bellowed. “Watch yar step!” Ben’s voice was rich in Russian tones. “Mendel” grinned crazily as he left.

“Alright, Tevye!” he called back. Ben shook his head sadly as he spoke to the cobra, “Well, Mendel’s young he’ll learn. Right, Arbok?” Arbok raised her head.

“Yeesss, Beeeeen. Mendeel will learn,” said the cobra in a hypnotic tone. She was rewarded by a pat on the head. Arbok purred with pleasure, she liked the attention.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The two teenagers smirked as Ben’s back was turned towards them. After all, only the president of the troupe could stop the terrible duo of Ellen and Samantha. Both girls were slightly insane but it wasn’t shown by the way they dressed.

Ellen was a tall, lanky girl with brown hair that almost always was covered by a hat. She wore pastel colors that almost made the eyes bleed and currently she was wearing a black beret. Underneath the beret, Ellen’s blue eyes glittered with mischief.

Samantha was shorter than her partner in crime but not so much that she looked like a midget. Her hair was longer than that of Ellen but it was of the same hue. Samantha’s clothing choice was long flowing skirts, colorful vests, and a pair of wireframe glasses. Her brown eyes also glittered insanely.

They were sitting on their heels in the west wing watching the rest of the troupe that was busily carrying out the orders of the director, Mrs. DuVall. Ellen was sitting next to a plain stereo that was plugged into the wall; her finger was hovering over the play button. Samantha was holding two microphones that were plugged into the stereo.

“Just one more moment,” murmured Samantha almost silently. Ellen nodded and began waiting for a silent signal. “DuVall left.” That one sentence was the one that Ellen was looking for. Her finger pressed the button.

Heads turned as the duo got up - each with their own microphone - and began singing with the music that was now blaring in the theater. Ben started to groan as the two began the song.

They sang this badly together:

“Coin operated boy ,
Sitting on the shelf, he’s just a toy,
But I turn him on, he comes to life.
Automatic joy!
That’s why I want a coin operated boy.

Made of plastic and elastic,
He is rugged and long-lasting,
Who could ever ask for more?
Love without complections galore!”At the last line the two girls embraced then after that was done, they continued their version of “Coin Operated Boy” by the Dresden Dolls. The troupe all did a group groan.

“Many shapes and weights to choose from,
I will never leave my bedroom,
I will never cry at night again,
Wrap my arms around him and pretend.....

Coin operated boy,
All the other real ones I destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I’ll,
Never let him go and I’ll never be alone,
Not with my coin operated boy....

This bridge was written to make you feel smittener,
With my sad picture of girl getting bitterer,
Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy?
I didn’t think so but I’m still convincible,
Will you still persist after I bet you,
A billion dollars that I’ll never love you,
Will you persist after I kiss you,
Goodbye for the last time,
Will you keep trying to prove it?
I’m dying to loose it....
I want it,
I want you,
I want a coin operated boy.

And if I had a star to wish on,
For my life I can’t imagine,
Any flesh and blood could be his match-”

A black haired woman with a Mukrow beak of a nose took out the plug of the stereo. “That’s quite enough, you two!” The duo gulped. That was Mrs. DuVall...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Violet was sitting in a dirty booth in the fast food joint. It was like any other. Dirty, smelly with grease, small and people were eating with ketchup stains on their clothes.

A large man with a beard looked down his nose at Violet. “What can I get ya for?” he asked in a voice that sounded like a Politoad croaking. “Three double Cheeseburgers, a Chocolate shake, and a side of fries.”


After writing her order in his notebook, the man scratched his balding head with his free hand. “Say,” he began. “I haven’t seen you here before. You new?”

Violet shook her head. “Nah, I’m not new. I just haven’t been in this place before,” she remarked. The man raised an eyebrow. “You lived in Cerulean City for this long and you haven’t been to Big Al’s Burger Joint?!” Violet nodded again.

“Al!” a sharp voice shrieked. “Someone on the phone for ya!” The man sighed. “Comin’!” With that, Al left.

Violet’s stomach started to growl so loud that everyone stared at her. She glared back. Leaning back in her seat, she hoped to Mew that her food would be done soon.
______
Well, another chapter done!

Klaus
26th December 2005, 6:24 AM
YAY!

For some reason I wouldn't trust that Al person. Ew, and all those people in there....ew.

Lol, I like it, it was a bit on the short side, but hey. I don't care.
I loved it.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Articunomew
26th December 2005, 11:56 AM
Heya
I don't normally look at stories that detail what happened to Misty after she left. Nintendo really didn't elaborate that much, did they?
Like it has been said before, description is an area you should look at. It's better than mine was when I started *Shudders* but it can be improved.
The lengths of the chapters could also be improved. With some of the Chapters, e.g: the battle of the Cascade Badge, they can be place dinto one chapter.
One other thing: Try not to introduce a new character every chapter if they don't have any other role in the story. Characters like that have a way of coming back and making you regret you ever made them.

On the plus side; you are good for a beginner. The less we say of my first attempts, the better. Just keep some of these ideas in mind, and you should go far!

C ya!

Eternal Daydreamer
26th December 2005, 5:43 PM
Thank you for the review, Klaus.

I'll try harder, Articunomew. BTW, I only said that this was my first story on the net. It's not my first story I ever written. I would be ashamed if I put that up..

The character thing.. The characters are important to the plot, but they just wrote themselves into it. If that makes any sense. The plot seems to me like it's writing itself..

Description hopefully will improve with time. And I'll make the chapters longer. Up to four pages on WordPerfect.