View Full Version : Lunar Hatred

10th October 2005, 12:10 AM
I'm trying to improve on my one-shots...I just read Scrap's Malice (which was REALLY good by the way), and I thought "I want to have that many reviewers....what makes Scrap so good?" and so now I'm trying to find out by writing my own one-shot. Also, my "K" button suxx, so sorry if it spells "look" "loo" or such. So here ya go, Lunar Hatred.

Lunar Hatred

My dead, black eyes look out at the large white circular object floating in the deep blue sky. As I watch it, I remember the ways they had made fun of me, and the things that made me so different from them.

I had floated to the green garden of grass, tall and lush, feeling good against the scales of my small, foot-long or so body. It brushed against me, and it was one of the best things I had ever felt. The cool air ran against my scales, and as I floated over to my so-called "friends" I had not been greeted by the ones that had loved me when I was the small, ground-dwelling bug called a Nincada. Now they hated me; I was greeted by calls of hatred and calling me an idiot and a freak.

"Hah hah, Koushiro is a freak Pokemon," they would sing. "Koushiro is a dead bug with no feelings, that's what he is..."

I had watched with no eyes as they taunted me, playing games without me and watching as I cried with no tears running down my scales. Then they had all moved away and played what they liked without me.

I had felt such a horrid emotion just then, growing deeper within me and eventually overcoming me. I floated over to them once more, and turned around as if I was leaving. The hole on my back, in between my brown wings had started sucking in everything around it, including those jerks I called my friends. They had been screaming as they fell in, and eventually the screams died as they fell away forever, inside another dimension, never to return.

And still I watch the moon as though it will give me my "friends". They may not have been nice to me, but they were still my friends. But the moon says nothing to me tonight, as it hasn't any other night.

"The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?" asked a soft voice. I turned around and saw that behind me was a small Pokemon. It was much more beautiful than I, with the white dress it had flowing behind it like a flag. Beneath the dress were two long, pointed white legs. Its head was green, curved around like hair, and below that was a creamy white face and two crimson red eyes.

"Yes, I suppose it is," I said, speaking through my main language of telepathy, as there was no mouth with me to speak with.

"Why were you crying?" asked the Pokemon.

"My friends...they teased me and teased me and teased me and then I thought that they should go away forever and they did."

"Oh...it's quite all right, little one. Gardevoir like myself aren't quite the amazing psychic masters ourself."

"But they're never coming back."

"True, but there are advantages to being a Pokemon of your type. The only things that hurt you are going to be the elements that you are most weak to."

"But I don't want to have that stupid power. The one major problem is that my friends are gone and they will never come back. I can't do that...I can't cope with reality."

"You want your pain to be gone?" the Gardevoir asked.

I nodded.

The Garedevoir waved its arms in a strange fashion, and red light came from them. Flames. The flames licked at me as she put one hand to my skin, and I dropped onto the grass, feeling its warmth for the last time.

And I forever played with my friends...

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

I'm not allowed to curse, so that's why there were no curse words in there or anything like Scrap's.

10th October 2005, 10:18 PM
ill rate it 10/10 because they story amazed me can do fortune but Gardevoir can lol. the sorry was great
a little work should be this part
"The Garedevoir waved its arms in a strange fashion, and red light came from them. Flames. The flames licked at me as she put one hand to my skin, and I dropped onto the grass, feeling its warmth for the last time."

ii really think you should replace "Flames." with Flames..."
and you kno what about "gardevoir

Xeno Metal Knuckles
26th October 2005, 4:22 AM
Well Well Well....Sheninja..not Lugia or Latias or Latios.

Anyway although I haven't been on long because of my school work and my search for ****s (Which is actually taking a LONG time....Ive had your games for 3 Weeks 0_0,your sister must be very upset with me. I'll get them done by the end of the month though....Might be a good halloween present for you ^_^) I might as well start reviewing your recent storys.

Sad story if I do say so myself...10/10

I did spot some mistakes through my reading but nothing major....

(I know its a short review but Iam a little busy)

26th October 2005, 4:30 AM
I don't really know what attracts readers and what doesn't. First time I posted Malice, I was so expecting to get flamed for the horror stuff. ^^;;

Also, don't worry about the curse words-- they don't automatically make a story good, I just have a potty mouth. XD

I spied two mistakes. Ourself should be ourselves. And sope is a typo, but I don't know if you noticed. XD

It was quite simple, but not bad at all. ^^ Your description is simple-- not too vague or too detailed, but I feel you should have described more of the pain that the narrator felt as he was burning to death-- it simply states that he dropped to the ground, but there's no description of the hot flames searing and eating his shell away, or any sign of pain on his part.

29th October 2005, 5:19 PM
Ultimate-I couldn't understand half of what you were saying O-O but I did understand the Flames part. I didn't put the periods there because that would sound awkward...

Xeno Youkai-I know, isn't it amazing? I collect Shedinja, and have always wanted to write a fic about them. They interest me greatly, and I just thought it would make an interesting story for poor Koushiro.

Scrap-Yay you reviewed! *throws confetti* I like having important people such as yourself review; it makes me feel special. I did fix the "sope" typo (I feel stupid about that) but I couldn't find the "ourselves" one...mind pointing it out? :)

If you guys were curious, I got the name "Koushiro" from Digimon. Izzy's Japanese name is Koushiro. I just thought it would be cool. I might make one about Hikari, Taichi, or Yamato (Kari, Tai, and Matt) since I like Digimon and Japanese names a lot. I feel bad that no one's reviewing my fic Light though...in the NonPokemonFics section.

I quite liked your oneshots Malice and They (especially They; it was so descriptive and I like that kind of stuff but most people don't), Scrap. Please keep writing things like that.

Yours Truly~
X Kazemon, Protector of the Wind Spirits

1st November 2005, 8:58 PM
Took a while to read this, sorry, but I noticed one error on your Pokemon biology, Gardevoir's legs are green, not white. You see that in Colloseum. But otherwise, great, but as Scrap said, Shedinja's death seemed a little brief. But this is a massive improvement over your old Emerald Dragon one-shot.(I'll be honest, that one inspired me to write Final Choice, since I wanted to see if I could write a Rayquaza one shot better).

Sike Saner
1st November 2005, 11:55 PM
Right on. ^_^ Very cool spotlight on my favorite of all Bug-types. You did a nice job of showing the lingering innocence of the Shedinja, rather than just depicting it as a mindless, destructive monster. Scrap already found all the errors, and they were, indeed, quite few; the structural integrity of your story is quite sound.

And I forever played with my friends...

Classic ending. Kudos. ^_^

6th February 2006, 6:00 PM
Sorry I haven't been replying ^^;

Nylf->COOLIO! I inspired someone. Yayness.

Sike Saner->Thank you ^_^ *throws confetti*