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Jetx
20th October 2005, 10:27 PM
I'm new to fan fic but I am a good author and think this should be a good story. It is based on a young but clever breloom called Shroomy. He is bashful and not such a fan of girls however although David (his trainer), Sally (his trainer's girlfriend) and Jason (A very clever laid back friend) respect his bashful nature, Phoenix (David's blaziken) takes advantage of it because she is a girl and a bit of a bully. There are alot more characters but they will be introduced along the way. If you want to find the place where Shroomy lives you must have ruby/sapphire/emerald on it you must go to fallarbor town go south to a bridge, surf left and you will find a tree which you can make 2 bases in, this is where he lives. This is Shroomy's adventure enjoy! (Rated suitable for all) (Stuff and updates about chapters at the bottom) Shroomy fan club (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=95444)
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The morning sun shined trough the leaves of the secret base and Shroomy streched his arms and slowly made his way to the breakfast table. He noticed no one was there, no one in the beds, no one outside! Shroomy wasn't sure whether to panic but then he remembered David would never go any where without him. He sat outside hoping to see a marill float by but he didn't. He remained calm until a shadow covered the lake! Above him was the most enormous bannete you could ever see, scared Shroomy threw a small needle at it. The bannette suddenly shot about in the sky, sppiralling and shrinking as it went. Then it went as flat as a pancake and looked as if it was doing a slow-motion body slam! Shroomy hid inside inside a wailmer doll's mouth... A few minutes later Shroomy went outside and saw th bannette lying flat on it's face on the lake looking dead. Shroomy touched it, it was made of rubber! Then Shroomy realized it was a baloon! A couple of seconds later hundreds of marills came up for air. He saw David in the distance sobbing holding a cake in his hand saying: Happy first birthday Shroomy.

Later on Shroomy was sitting on his own feeling grim. He didn't give the big balloon a chance. He was just imagining how upset David was...
Then Pelipper came along, "Hey there Shroomy! Happy birth- hey wait it went wrong. Shroomy I know your in a bad mood wondering how David feels, but he is wondering how you feel, you have to go in the base and let him know you appreciate it."
So he walked off to see David. A while later Pelipper saw them both walking off to go training, feeling very proud of him self he went off with them.
Night arrived and everyone was tired. David fell asleep and landed in his food so Phoenix carried him to his bed trying not to wake him. All the other pokemon went to bed and only Shroomy and Pelipper were still awake. Shroomy suddenly felt a tear slithering down his cheek, he was beggining to realize that David had still wasted loads of money on the balloon, he was beggining to realize that Pelipper had tried to cheer him up but had failed...
"Well thanks for trying to cheer me up earlier Pelipper."
"Oh it was no trouble at all." Pelipper remarked
"HA! You're just asaying that because you're modest!" Shroomy laughed.
"I am not!" Pelipper shouted jokingly and Shroomy burst out laughing, he swept the tears off his face and thanked Pelipper for cheering him up.
"Hey I'll come to your room so if you feel upset during the night I can cheer you up!" Pelipper offered
So they went off to Shroomy's room. Pelipper's eye lids began to droop and he fell to sleep so Shroomy climbed inside his beak and went to sleep.

Yet again the bright sun was shining through the leaves and woke Shroomy up like an annoying alarm clock, he tried to sky uppercut the sun in anger and then landed on his bed, then he realized Pelipper had already gone for breakfast because he wasn't in the room. But Shroomy was way to tired to get up so he went back to bed. Suddenly there was an almighty roar and an earthquake began, Twisters surrounded the base along with many whirlpools. Shroomy rushed into Sea Queen's (A kingdra) room. He told her to stop yawning because that's what started it!
Now that he felt awake he went to the breakfast table and noticed he had over double the amount of oats and seeds that he usually had.
"Sorry Shroomy but I have loads of spare oats and they're getting old, after all you didn't have any breakfast yesterday." David pointed out.
So Shroomy began to eat his food until he was absoloutly full. All the other pokemon encouraged him to eat the last few seeds so he did but he felt like he was about to explode. Then a vine swept down and took the last oat, Everyone looked up and saw a wild grovyle on the roof.
"Shroomy Sky uppercut!" David shouted so Shroomy jumped up about one centimeter punched thin air, he landed back on his seat with a thud. He was just too full to fight, he turned around and saw Phoenix chuckle about how pathetic his move was, then she blaze kicked the grovyle and Sea queen ice beamed it and it went flying off into the distance. Shroomy suddenly realized that they were going to have a match with Sally in a couple of hours and he was in no condition to fight. Phoenix walked past him in discust
"We're gonna lose this match and it'll all be your fault!" then Shroomy fell to the floor whatever could he do?
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Guitar dude bill
26th October 2005, 12:37 PM
This is a good story with a good cliffhanger. I am looking forward to part 2 and I think that Shroomy and Phoenix will have a fight.

Master Ein
28th October 2005, 11:16 AM
I like it.But if you want it to survive put a rating and be more discriptive.I like the way every thing is set up in the story.Here a tip when you start a new sentence do it like this so it easyer to read.It will also make it longer.Very good Fic.I am waiting for chapter 2

{Ex.}

"Hi." said Joe

"Hi Joe."

Dilasc
28th October 2005, 7:53 PM
The premise is... well, it just doesn't do it for me.

When starting a new paragraph hit enter twice. It makes things a bit easier to read. Personally, it's a bit too early in the story for me to even think of making judgement yet, so I'll just wait until there's more I suppose.

Jetx
1st November 2005, 8:47 PM
when are you gonna do part 2
I'm writing it now, I'm not half way yet it may be a while...

Guitar dude bill
1st November 2005, 8:53 PM
I'm writing it now, I'm not half way yet it may be a while...
o wright. i thought you didn't do it on word. I'm doing the 2nd part for my second version now.

Nylf
1st November 2005, 9:42 PM
Descriptions a bit lacking, since I can't imagine the trainer's appearance. Overall, this is in need of some improvement. The attack description was non-existant, Dilasc made the point about paragraphing, and the description of both trainers and Pokemon was severly lacking. BUT since you've only done the first chapter there's time to improve. I probably won't review this much, I'm a very busy Flygon, but it helps to listen to critiscm.

Jetx
1st November 2005, 10:26 PM
Descriptions a bit lacking, since I can't imagine the trainer's appearance. Overall, this is in need of some improvement. The attack description was non-existant, Dilasc made the point about paragraphing, and the description of both trainers and Pokemon was severly lacking. BUT since you've only done the first chapter there's time to improve. I probably won't review this much, I'm a very busy Flygon, but it helps to listen to critiscm.
I will thank you for that.

Polirick
2nd November 2005, 5:13 PM
Hey jetx, i thought this was realy good. You must have a REALY good imagination.... but, you need a little bit more detail. like the sences(touch,smell,hear,taste). Like the weather. EX 'the cold autam air gave Shroomy the chill'. But otherwise one of the best things I've read.

Can't wait for the next chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Rick

Guitar dude bill
2nd November 2005, 6:15 PM
Hey jetx, i thought this was realy good. You must have a REALY good imagination....

Can't wait for the next chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Rick

first thing: true, my friend does have a good imagination. lucky he can use it well (unlike me). everyone in school sais he does
second thing: i look forward to the next chapter as well

Master Ein
2nd November 2005, 6:19 PM
I am waiting for Chapter 2 so come on before I blow

Articuno god
2nd November 2005, 7:11 PM
It was a very good story i like the end when he's about to lose the amtch can't wait for the next chapter!!!

Spewy05
2nd November 2005, 7:35 PM
Not bad, but a bit short. I wanted to read a little more. Not too much, but still more than what was written. Pease post soon.

Jetx
2nd November 2005, 9:21 PM
It's as long as chapter 1 now but I want to make it longer. I warn you, at first there are alot of battles.
PS: Blingin G you do have good imagination. You wrote that fan fic.

Vertical Bird
4th November 2005, 11:39 PM
I like this story a lot. I'm looking foward to chapter 2. Keep up the good work

Total Shadow
5th November 2005, 12:50 AM
It's pretty good..

Jetx
5th November 2005, 2:22 PM
Shroomy wasn't going to sit down and sob, he had to take action so he ran as fast as he could... Very slow, he wasn't getting any exercise; he had to prepare himself to fight OVERWEIGHT!!! Then he heard talking, human talking so Shroomy rolled towards the door and listened.
"Yeah I'm ready Sally so we have no reason to delay let's have the battle now!"

Upon hearing that Shroomy went blood red in the face, "Hey, hey shroomy, ready to win?" Pelipper asked. Shroomy wasn't going to calm down; he grabbed a marill doll and started to suffocate Pelipper! Then Phoenix jumped in she boldly told Shroomy to calm down before being smacked in the face.

David heard the fighting and ran in; he was furious with Shroomy but understood that he was upset. Shroomy felt like he was walking towards war but he wasn't, he was walking to Sally's base.
"So you've arrived but you'll soon be gone after suffering my wrath!" Sally said trying to sound like a gym leader. Shroomy looked up at her waist and saw six fiery balls attached to her belt. The first match was

Pelipper vs Mumble

Mumble the ocean blue azumarill stepped up and braced itself for a tough battle, he looked up but his view was blocked by Pelipper speeding towards him. Pelipper shot a shock wave and Mumble blasted back, he wouldn’t give up, he jumped up and kicked pelipper then he shot multiple ice beams and Pelipper refused to continue!
David-0 Sally-1

Jem vs Blissey

David's crobat Jem looked deep into blissey's sparkling eyes but Jem wasn't quite so jolly. She didn't see the match as a friendly match, Blissey stepped up to her post and Jem just tried to look scary. Blissey gave Jem a happiness egg but Jem just batted it into a wall. The yolk looked like splattered pool of blood, this made Blissey angry, she shot an egg bomb at Jem but Jem flew before it hit. Jem swooped down and hit Blissey in the head. She landed back on her post to see Blissey’s re-action. Blissey’s eyes began to glow a bright red. The room was suddenly an oven with the heat coming off Blissey’s body. Then an inferno blasted out of Blissey’s mouth and melted Jem to the floor!
David-0 Sally-2

Shroomy vs Vine

Vine the sceptile looked down on Shroomy’s small body. “Shroomy, I can see that you are ill. So give up or I’ll have to show you my aerial ace attack!” but Shroomy ignored him and braced himself for the aerial ace. So Vine attacked but all Shroomy’s flab caused Vine to bounce against the wall! Then Shroomy’s mouth opened up, there was a large sound of bubbling and sludge blasted out slamming Vine all over the place, he was half puking and half using sludge bomb. Then Shroomy noticed all the extra weight was gone!
David-1 Sally-2

Sea queen vs Anorith
Anorith wasn’t really an anorith it was an armaldo, the story was that when her anorith evolved she hated the name armaldo so she changed it back to anorith.

Sea queen looked around the room but saw no competition, the pokemon were watching but sea queen saw some of Sally’s team giggling. Sally had an evil smile on her face and David was wiping sweat off his spiky white hair. The suspense was very intimidating. Then a rock burst open it was actually Anorith! Anorith slashed Sea queen and his grey stumpy legs were slamming against the floor creating earthquakes! Sea queen opened her mouth and shot purple toxic spores at Anorith. Anorith felt the grim poison sinking into his veins; He drooped to the floor and saw Sea queen gripping to her post.
“Go for the kill!” Phoenix shouted in a loud voice towards Sea queen.
Sea queen’s mouth opened and a huge cylinder of water blasted out. The recoil was astounding; she tried not to let it push her off her post. Anorith was bombarded by the water; he shot around unconscious Sea queen knew victory was imminent!
David-2 Sally-2

Silver vs Latzok
Silver knew what waited for him, he shivered in fear. He put his steel helmet on and hoped for the best, but he was an aggron with a mission, he was going to win, because if he won it would be impossible for Sally to win but if he lost it would be impossible for David to win.

In front of Silver was a blue hovering creature. Latzok the latios was Sally’s pride and joy. He spoke in a voice which could be heard by human and pokemon “Sorry Silver, but you are going to lose in front of every one!”
“What do you have that’ll wipe me out? You have no super effective moves you can use against me!” Silver shouted. Although he didn’t understand what Silver was saying David knew he was feeling a bit more confident.
“Hahaha what do you have that’s good against me?” Latzok s******ed.

Silver ran toward Latzok jumped into the air and slashed him onto the floor!
“Sweet aerial ace!” David shouted.
Latzok got up and curled then he stopped curling and was fully recovered! Latzok blasted thunder at Silver and Silver was paralyzed. Then Latzok thumped Silver onto the floor!
David-2 Sally-3

Phoenix vs Feather
The final match was about to begin, Feather the dark blue swellow looked at Phoenix with a grin. As best friends Phoenix and Feather could both predict what moves were going to be used, but one of them would use that knowledge to beat the other. David’s party were desperate, all of them barking out encouragement like a pack of angry dogs, so many voices that to Phoenix it sounded like blur. But one voice stood out, a voice of pure care, it was David’s voice, over all the other voices Phoenix heard every word David said “Come on Phoenix, make it short and sweet, and beat her now! Let’s make this match a fair draw.”

Phoenix was ready; she thought to herself ‘Poor predictable Feather, she’ll aerial ace only to be melted when I overheat!’ but what Phoenix didn’t realize was that Feather was a sassy little bird no pea brain like most birds, Phoenix and Feather both had there own plans. Phoenix was waiting for Feather to make the first move and Feather was calculating her plan. The beginning was near and Phoenix couldn’t take it anymore. If the match was meant to be short she was going to take the first and last move. The room got hot and suddenly Feather flew high into the air! Phoenix tried to stop herself but she couldn’t, her body went red and burst into flames! Her eyes went as black as the darkest night in winter and thousands of fiery balls ripped off her body! Shroomy and Vine dived for cover; Silver built a wall of rocks to block the heat. Then phoenix’s body went pitch black, she collapsed onto the floor determined not to let herself fail, not now that she’d come so far, she wanted to make it a draw. She got up slowly and then fell back down onto the floor; she looked up and saw Feather speeding towards her! She tried to gather enough energy to jump out of the way when suddenly Feather struck her on the back. Phoenix pushed and pushed and pushed before fainting in pain and anger.

“Great effort Phoenix, don’t feel bad, you tried your best and I tell you what, if Feather did use aerial ace that match would’ve been a clean sweep!” David said but Phoenix was just angry about the fact Shroomy won and she didn’t.

Suddenly a boy who looked identical to David but had a green headband on burst in!
“David, I did it. I beat Sally in rock, paper, scissors!” the boy shouted excitedly.

“Err… Jason can’t you see I’m busy here and so what you won a game of rock, paper scissors why the hell should I care?” David said angrily, he clearly didn’t like the boy much.

“So I might beat pike queen Lucy! Please come watch me!” Jason said shaking like an earthquake.
David hesitated then agreed to go with him; he called for Shroomy and they both left the base.
“Pix fly!” Jason shouted and an orange dragon about twice Jason’s size swooped down, grabbed him and took off into the distance like a swift angel, absolutely soundless.
“Jem you to fly to the battle frontier.” Then the purple bat gripped David’s shoulders firmly, red lightning zapped Shroomy and he disappeared into a pokeball, then Jem flapped her four silent wings and took off in the same direction as the orange dragon.

David was waiting for an outcome, the whole battle pike shook and there were many sudden thumps. A girl stared hard wondering what was happening. She gazed at Shroomy “Oh wow you have a favorite grass pokemon too? I love mine but she’s a bit quirky. "Rozelle go!” the girl shouted and a plant leaped out of a pokeball. She smiled at Shroomy and then danced around in a circle.

Jason came out of the pike, grabbed a rock and hurled it at David; Rozelle grabbed a seed and threw it at the rock deflecting it just on time.
“I don’t friggin’ believe it, I lost to that milotic pratt again!” Jason shouted steaming in anger. His houndoom was just as angry.
“David you little idiot, thanks for raising my hopes you knew I’d lose didn’t you?” Jason snapped.
“Now hold on a minute, what’s this about? Does it have anything to do with the pike shaking earlier?” the girl asked.
“I can’t be bothered to explain; when David suffers the pain I just suffered I’ll be happy. Now Scorchone CHARGE!!!”

The houndoom ran towards David and Shroomy like a rampaging rhino! Then she paused she knew Shroomy was planning something but she didn’t know what. After that she began to charge again and Shroomy shot loads of seeds against the floor. Scorchone’s dark paws slipped onto the seeds and diverted him towards Shroomy. Shroomy panicked but he heard something that instantly calmed him.

Scorchone skidded along the floor until she was still, then she slowly fell to sleep. Jason sat on a bench and went to sleep, every one felt calm and only Shroomy and Rozelle remained awake. Shroomy knew the sound any where it was called a grass whistle.

Shroomy gazed over at Rozelle praying she wouldn’t go up to him and want to talk. Because Shroomy would muck up and get himself embarrassed. He dropped to the floor pretending to be asleep. He slowly peered through one eye and saw rozelle running round in circles with her eyes closed with thousands of pink and blue petals flying around her. She ran right into the distance and got very close to a cliff. Sharpedos were following her in the water waiting for her to fall off. Shroomy’s eyes suddenly sprang open and he dashed ferociously towards her.

A fisherman just sat there staring thinking Rozelle she knew what she was doing, Shroomy was fuming that he hadn’t tried to help.

David’s eyes lifted and he saw a strange poster in the distance. He woke up Jason, Scorchone and Rozelle’s trainer and they all went to look at it. It had a torkoal with flippers swimming underwater around the size of a wailord. They all stared at it puzzled and Scorchone wanted to show Rozelle and Shroomy but they weren’t in sight. She bit Jason and made it obvious they were gone.
“Rozelle, Shroomy?” they all asked a little shaky in their voices. Rozelle’s trainer was the most worried.
“Oh no Rozelle might be doing one of her petal dances with her eyes closed! It’s not safe in a cliffy place like the battle frontier!”

They all looked for them but Scorchone managed to sniff them out. They ran towards them but they were way to far away and Rozelle was about to hurl herself off the cliff!

The fisherman still stared at them puzzled when it happened… Rozelle slipped off the cliff! Her eyelids shot open and she panicked, Shroomy dived after her and that was when the fisher realized it was no joke. He dashed to where they and told them to grab his fishing rod.
It dangled down like a long vine but Shroomy couldn’t reach it he held Rozelle in one hand and the hook on the other.

They were almost drowning as the fisherman began to pull them up. He was being too slow; the sharpedos were coming at an enormous speed! The fisher got them about half way up the cliff and the sharpedos were jumping for them.
David and the girl watched desperately.

The rod suddenly snapped and Shroomy and Rozelle fell into the sharpedos that were circling below!

Polirick
5th November 2005, 6:12 PM
Hey Jetx! Your story is amazing! I was on the edge of my seat it was so good. But I found one or two problems. Like I think you missed a few mistakes. For example, 'You I'd lose' and I thought Milotic was Jasons pokemon. And 'Jem to Battle frontior'. Otherwise a brilliant second part.Begging for third part!

Fom Rick ;062;

Guitar dude bill
5th November 2005, 10:30 PM
like polirick mentioned, you made a few mistakes in grammar (though i can't speak really) but it was quite good, but not everyone knows what the battle frontier is. not everyone has emerald you know. okay now for the ratings
grammar: very good but a few mistakes
length: long enough but i would hav preffered it a bit longer to be honest (though the very old version of mine was even shorter)
plot: not a very big one, but it's satisfying
entertainment: good, it is quite entertaining, i look forward to part 3

Jetx
6th November 2005, 9:31 AM
grammar: very good but a few mistakes
length: long enough but i would hav preffered it a bit longer to be honest (though the very old version of mine was even shorter)
plot: not a very big one, but it's satisfying

About grammer I would've preffered if you mentioned the mistakes because I corrected the ones Polirick mentioned.
About length it's as long as your fic and everyone was complaining that it was taking so long, even you so I found a perfect cliffhangerand used it.
About plot: I've planned all the way up to chapter 5.
So don't expect me to improve it if you're not even suggesting how, I could prove that I've planned ahead but that would be spoiling it, I've started chapter 3 and here's a bit of a spoiler: Shroomy is currently being sucked into a whirlpool surrounded by sharpedos, and there's another cliffhanger ;D

Guitar dude bill
6th November 2005, 9:56 AM
I'm not saying you need to improve in some eras. it's just a few improvement suggestions. it's still good. i do look forward to chapter 4. you don't need to make it longer it's just it was good so i would hav preffered it a bit longer. i'm not just gonna say it was amazing just because your my friend i'm gonna give my honest opinion

Jetx
6th November 2005, 10:12 AM
I'm not saying you need to improve in some eras. it's just a few improvement suggestions. it's still good. i do look forward to chapter 4. you don't need to make it longer it's just it was good so i would hav preffered it a bit longer. i'm not just gonna say it was amazing just because your my friend i'm gonna give my honest opinion
That makes sence it's okay, I'm half on the forums waiting for more reviews and half writing it now ;P
I've done 4 pages of chapter 3 now.
But I'm gonna wait for more reviews before I submit it because otherwise I'd be double posting ;D
Darn I have no choice, don't blame me for double posting...

Jetx
8th November 2005, 10:02 PM
The sharpedos were going so fast that they created a whirlpool and Shroomy and Rozelle were sucked in! The sharpedos dived in and one bit Shroomy hard! The pain spread round Shroomy’s body and he punched a sharpedo in anger, it cut his hand and he really began to feel pain.

On the cliff David was telling Jem to help them but she was too scared. She looked down and trembled. Jem swooped down and confused one. The confused sharpedo bit another one and they swam off fighting.

“Nice one Jem!” David shouted when a sharpedo blasted out of the water and bit Jem. Jem fell into the water and the remaining three sharpedos chased her.

David suddenly realized that he needed to command Shroomy.
“Shroomy Giga drain!” he shouted and Shroomy leapt out of the water, he held his hand to his mouth and his mouth went light green. He jumped onto a sharpedo and sucked out all of its energy, the sharpedo sank and all that Shroomy could see in the water was a shadow getting smaller, although he had all his enegy back Jem and Rozelle were still drowning.
“Sea queen go!” David shouted and Sea queen created a twister that tossed the remaining sharpedos aside however it also tossed the others away. She swam to save Jem, like a dolphin she dragged her to the cliffside when one of the sharpedos came back, she leapt out of the water and Jem created wind to push them that little bit further. Then they were in the pokeball’s range, they were zapped in but Shroomy and Rozelle were still in trouble.

Shroomy turned around and was frozen in fear; he tasted the grim taste of blood in the rippling waves. About twenty sharpedos were waiting patiently for Shroomy to try and escape. He threw seeds at one and they drained its health. It came over in fury and dived at Shroomy, and then it came up with Rozelle lying on it’s head, Shroomy swam to the sharpedo and held it tightly waiting for Rozelle to wake up.

Rozelle woke up and instantly knew what Shroomy wanted her to do. She let out a soothing song and all that heard went to sleep.

Shroomy suddenly looked at where his hands were, on the sharpedo’s ears! The sharpedo lowered it’s head and Rozelle slipped off. Then it zoomed towards Shroomy and it’s head struck Shroomy into the distance. The small battle frontier of southern Hoenn now looked like a dot to Shroomy. He was closer to Ever Grande city and there he found more problems. About ten more sharpedos came up, it was getting really tedious and Shroomy gave up.
“You can eat me but I swear it’ll be the last thing you do!” he shouted feeling upset when a wailord rose up and batted two sharpedos all the way to the pokemon league. The remaining eight were scared stiff but Shroomy didn’t tell the wailord to hurt them he told it to save Rozelle.

The wailord swam off and Shroomy waited to see whether the sharpedos were too scared to fight or not. But they weren’t.
“Say your prayers mushroom boy!” the biggest one snapped concentrating his big red eyes on Shroomy.

It was very unlikely for another wailord to come so Shroomy began to cry, he could never out swim a sharpedo in fact he could barely swim at all...

“Shra… Shroomy is that you?” questioned a voice.

“Yes it’s me whoever you are show yourself and HELP ME!!!” he answered.

Then from behind a rock rose Latzok! Now the sharpedos were scared.

“What do want from us?” the biggest one asked with his eyes turning from red to blue trying to look innocent.

“I’m not going to forgive you sea rats!” Latzok shouted angrily.

He swooped down, grabbed Shroomy and shot a lightning bolt at the water. The water flashed like a broken light and the sharpedos sank deep into the water.

Latzok zoomed back to the frontier and told Shroomy that he had to pay him back.
“Okay Shroomy, I rescued you so I want you to do me a favour, I want you save that roselia, that wailord and I will keep the sharpedos away.”

He dropped Shroomy into the water and flew off to another group of sharpedos that were heading their way.

Meanwhile David and the girl had lost all hope; Shroomy and Rozelle were to far away to be seen so they presumed they were sitting in a sharpedo’s stomach or dead at the bottom of the sea. Jem swooped down and took David away and the big yellowish orange dragon took the girl and Jason away.

The fisherman looked into the distance and saw Shroomy swimming towards the island with Rozelle holding tightly to his tail. He swore to himself that if they made it back he would search the whole of Hoenn for their owners. But then he thought sadly, he only had one pokemon which was given to him and now he had no rod.
“Go magic carp!” he shouted and a big red fish flopped out of a pokeball and fell into the water, it looked up waiting for a command.

“Go and save those grass pokemon now!” he shouted but the fish only laughed and swam around in circles intimidating him.
“I don’t believe you, I feed you I love you, I trained you more than enough for you to evolve but you just never obey me, why do I need a badge, I love you and your old trainer abused you. Why oh why? I don’t think I could beat Roxanne, Brock or Falkner with you! Please just do what I say, just this once, please.” He shouted almost in tears.

The fish was tempted to help him but it just turned away and watched him sob.

“That’s it; he obviously will do the opposite to what I tell him to do, if I can weaken that breloom and that roselia I can catch them, beat Roxanne and then Magic carp would obey me! Hey wait the breloom won’t obey me anyway, but if I tell them not to giga drain Roxanne’s pokemon I could win!” he said to himself happily.

Shroomy was at the cliffside; he punched a hole in the cliff and started to sky uppercut some stairs. He came up and Rozelle hugged him tightly, Shroomy blushed.

“NO! Magic carp don’t hurt them!” the fisher shouted. An evil smirk came up on the fish’s face; it leapt out of the water and landed beside Shroomy, it then dived at Shroomy and hit him in the face; Shroomy tumbled over and got angry toxic purple sludge filled up in Shroomy’s mouth, the fish dived at Shroomy again at sludge blasted out all over the 3 of them, Magic carp fainted and Shroomy and Rozelle were heavily poisoned!

The fisher threw two net balls and caught them both…

In David’s secret base David and the girl’s pokeballs fell off their belt and Shroomy and Rozelle’s ones broke.
“That’s funny, aren’t they meant to be indestructible so that you can bury them in mt. pyre?” David said but he wasn’t upset, his face lightened up at the thought of Shroomy being alive so he put Shroomy’s old pokeball back together.
“Jem fly me to the battle frontier.” He said excitedly and Jem swooped down and picked him up then she took off to southern Hoenn.

The fisher saw Jem flying overhead!
“Don’t run off, destroy that crobat!” he shouted and the three pokemon sprinted towards the S.S.Tidal.

A few days later the fisher came out of Rustboro gym very proudly, now even Shroomy obeyed him and so did Magic carp and Rozelle.

‘RING, RING!’ “Hello this is Jason.”

“Hey Jason it’s Roxanne, I just lost to a pretty powerful trainer, I’m a bit annoyed so I need to regain my pride please come battle me…”

“Well sure I’ll be right over!” Jason replied and then his dragonite (the big orange dragon) took him away.

As he walked towards the gym he saw the fisher coming out with Rozelle sitting happily on his shoulders.

“Hey give those pokemon back!” Jason shouted going red in the face and grasping a bright red pokeball.

“Grrr… You had to come and ruin my happiness didn’t you? Can’t you see? They love me; you think they’ve forgotten their old trainers? We just won a match together we make a perfect team right guys?” he asked and his pokemon nodded, they weren’t under hypnosis they really loved him!

“Give them back! You’d still be able to visit them.” Jason repeated.

“You have no idea what my life is like, it’s terrible and these pokemon came along like angels and gave me my happy thoughts back, you think I’m going to let you take them away again? Get them guys, if you love him more spare him.” The fisher said angrily.
Jason jumped back and his six pokemon rose out of their pokeballs.

Scorchone rampaged towards Shroomy but her low defence didn’t help, Shroomy walloped her aside. Her black body lay on the floor like a waterless person in the middle of a desert.

Jason’s other pokemon trembled in fear but his alakazam was ready, he unleashed a hidden power that froze Shroomy with ice, the other pokemon gained hope as they watched Shroomy faint. But Rozelle shot thousands of seeds at them all; four of Jason’s remaining pokemon backed down with thousands of seeds in their eyes. One remained, it was Dairy his miltank. Rozelle looked down at Shroomy and she wasn’t happy, Shroomy saved her life, she could imagine her and Shroomy in love forever, but Shroomy couldn’t he was to scared to tell Rozelle that he wanted them to be friends… Rozelle wanted to be on the floor kissing Shroomy so she pretended to faint and sat down waiting for Shroomy to gain consciousness.

Dairy looked at magic carp and thought about her high defence, an obvious easy match awaited her.
“Magic carp, splash!” the fisher shouted and Dairy was confused, why use such a weak move?

Magic carp jumped into a lake way to far away for Dairy to attack him. He moved a bit closer and then started flapping furiously causing drops spray into the pink cow’s eyes, Dairy hopped back blinded and fell into the lake, she ran out of energy and gave up, Magic carp had won, overjoyed the fisherman forgot to praise Magic carp.

“Okay, okay you win it’s just that you want a pokemon to love you, well think about Magic carp, you have him and you’d still be able to visit Shroomy and Rozelle…”

“That’s… That’s… A very good point, of course I could still visit them! Thank you for teaching me that…” the fisher said, Jason watched as the fisher dashed through the whole of Rustboro and jumped up a ledge then headed through a cave which was full of moon and sun shaped pokemon.

“Pix fly!” Jason shouted and flew to David’s base.

When he arrived he saw the fisher leave the base proudly.

“Oh and how could I forget to say that was an awesome effort and win there Magic carp?” The fisher said and Magic carp smiled.

Suddenly Magic carps skin went white with a hint of blue, he stretched out long and his eyes let out a blinding light, there was a sound of a deep pokemon cry as his mouth stretched open, small white wings popped out of his long bright body, there was a huge splash as he slammed into the lake.
In front of the trainers was a long blue dragon!

“It’s a gyarados, I’ve been training him for so long and he’s finaly evolved, the badge made him love me and now we’ll have a life long friendship!” The fisher smiled and told David that everyday he would fish on the bridge next to his base.

“Oops speaking of badges I need to battle Roxanne!” Jason said and went off to Rustboro.

Shroomy smiled, nothing could possibly go wrong! But upon that thought something bad did happen, Rozelle jumped up and hugged Shroomy making him worry what the future would bring, where would he scoop up the courage to ask her whether they could just be friends?

It was tea time; Pelipper licked his bill and looked down at his meal.
“Oh how I wish I could’ve eaten that magicarp I saw earlier, oh well I prefer remoraid and I’ve got five sitting in my bow!” Pelipper smiled. “Hey wait, that one isn’t dead!”

As he said that the silver fish blasted open and went all red, grew legs and strangled Pelipper!

“Hey an octillery, Sally really wants one I’d better catch it.” David said but the octillery needed water so it jumped into the lake and swam off…

The doorbell rang and David saw Sally at the door.
“Sorry guys but Sally ‘n’ I are goin’ to the cinema tonight, catch ya later!” David said and then ran outside.
“So what shall we do while he’s gone?” asked Phoenix.

“Food fight!” Silver roared and threw one of Shroomy’s oats at Phoenix.

“No way! You eat rocks so this could get dodgy…” Jem pointed out.

“I’ve got something we can do!” Phoenix said making an evil smirk at Shroomy. “So Shroomy I hear you gotta hot date with an ugly plant!”

“She’s not ugly, just leave Shroomy alone!” Silver shouted comparing his size to Phoenix and smiling that he was much bigger.

“Aaah what the heck I’m gonna tell her stuff that aren’t true so she’ll dump him!” she said looking at Shroomy to see his re-action.

“Go ahead!” Shroomy said hoping she would. Everyone was surprised at what he said.

“Oh he’s just trying to stop me because he’s a loser, loser, loser, loser!” she chanted.

Shroomy got angry and slammed his bowl against the table causing oats to fly everywhere and then he snapped his bowl in half and ran off to his room closely followed by everyone but Phoenix who sat down proud of herself.

“Shroomy try to ignore Phoenix, we’re all on your side.” Pelipper said “But you’ve gotta admit you do love each over loads right?” he joked but Shroomy wasn’t laughing, he was outraged. He punched a hole through a pillow and roared at the others causing them to rush out of his room, he stamped furiously on the floor and felt annoyingly misunderstood and at that moment David returned and heard Shroomy in rage.

He entered Shroomy’s room and saw broken dolls sitting beside his snapped bed, a chair made of stone was cracked on the floor and he felt the heat coming off Shroomy’s body, he smelt sweat and dust everywhere, feathers from the dolls were on the floor and Shroomy’s body, the floor made of wood had been cracked open revealing mud underneath which also covered the floor around it, vines hang from the leafy ceiling and some were torn up on the floor, the room was completely destroyed! Shroomy made an angry face and waited for David to cheer him up, but David was not happy…

“No Shroomy! Stop making that face, you have gone way to far this time, this behavior is unexplainable and unacceptable, now stop expecting me to be calm, I just had a great time with Sally, you are not the only thing I like, I have a girlfriend who lives next door and I’m sure she can hear me now, you’ve become way to much for me to handle! I’m going to have to tell you to go to petalburg woods and stay there for at least a month, I’m sorry but I must tell you this and I must know you know why. I will be telling my pokemon to make sure you’re safe now go, I’ll visit you once a week, that’s how much I see Sally when you’re around…” David mumbled.

Shroomy was upset he left the base and cried hard for over an hour, he walked off to petalburg wishing he didn’t act so stupidly…

He arrived at petalburg and a group of shroomish welcomed him and commented on how they remembered him, so there was a bright side, he got to see his old friends.

That night Shroomy sat on a log by a fire, something scrathed his back, he turned around and nothing was there so he turned back, looked up and a group of ghosts were staring at him and the shroomishes he was with.

“Err do you know them?” Shroomy asked.

“No.” the shroomishes whispered worriedly.

“We are the ghosts that escaped mt. Pyre and we are looking for pokemon to take back to our graves!” the ghosts said slowly at the exact same time. Shroomy prepared for battle when suddenly a ghostly bug rose up and Shroomy had no move to beat it with!

NOTE: If you are still enjoying this fic REVIEW IT or I won't be too enthusiastic about doing a part 4...

Polirick
9th November 2005, 5:22 PM
Hey jetx!
This story is so.. I can't explain. Brilliant, fantastic, amazing. Every chapter gets better and better. You've got to keep going. Five star, the next J.K Rowling. C'mon guys, you don't want Jetx to stop do you? Otherwise chapters will take for ever because he won't be enthusiastic. He likes to know he has fans like me. You want to say somyhing about it, THEN DO!!

from Rick ;62;

Guitar dude bill
9th November 2005, 6:04 PM
Every chapter gets better and better. You've got to keep going.

from Rick ;62;
no offense to jetx but i kinda think the opposite, I don't think it was bad but it wasn't as good as the others. it was a bit rushed and a few grammar mistakes such as, but Shroomy didn’t tell the wailord to hurt them he told it to save Rozelle. there is a comma in the middle of the them and the he. I'll will post the further mistakes later. here are the ratings

Originalaity: high, the whole story is original
grammar: good, but you did better grammar before
description: a bit lacking, but you still did enough, because you described magic carp;129;
entertainment: quite good
i guess double posting in fan-fics is alright then

Polirick
9th November 2005, 6:18 PM
description: a bit lacking, but you still did enough, because you described magic carp;129;

Ok BlinginG, let's talk. First of all the Magic carp bit wasn't the only bit he described. What about when he entered Shroomys room and the bit with Scorchone. It made want to read on, it was thrilling. C'mon man you don't want him to give up hope in another chapter. Huh? Jetx, PLEASE ignore the critism this weirdo has rashly made. Ok. Oh yeah and a good thing about Jetx is that he learns from other peoples reviews. Like I told him to use sences more, so he did.OK

From Rick
P.S If you reply back don't make it spam. And I don't want an argument, so only reply about the story.

Jetx
9th November 2005, 6:30 PM
no offense to jetx but i kinda think the opposite, I don't think it was bad but it wasn't as good as the others. it was a bit rushed and a few grammar mistakes such as, but Shroomy didn’t tell the wailord to hurt them he told it to save Rozelle. there is a comma in the middle of the them and the he. I'll will post the further mistakes later. here are the ratings

grammar: good, but you did better grammar before
description: a bit lacking, but you still did enough, because you described magic carp;129;

Rushed?! I strongly disagree with what you are saying especialy about getting worse every chapter, and why give me such a hard time about such a small mistake, this is the sort of review that only discourages me and therfore stops me wanting to do a part 4, I'm gonna need a few more good reviews that make me motivated, you weren't saying how I could improve you just made that review very negative unlike the other ones you sent in, I don't want an arguement to start so don't bother posting again, just PM me if you have something to say, and for you fans, review if you want to see a part 4. I've planned up to chapter 7 but I need alot more motivation or I'll feel that I'm only writing this for polirick and no one else. so if you still are enjoying this fic REVIEW IT!

Alot of you said you really wanted to see chapter 2, well why haven't you reviewed since? After almost 500 views, I've had very little reviews since chapter 1.

Guitar dude bill
9th November 2005, 7:12 PM
Ok BlinginG, let's talk. First of all the Magic carp bit wasn't the only bit he described. What about when he entered Shroomys room and the bit with Scorchone. It made want to read on, it was thrilling. C'mon man you don't want him to give up hope in another chapter. Huh? Jetx, PLEASE ignore the critism this weirdo has rashly made. Ok. Oh yeah and a good thing about Jetx is that he learns from other peoples reviews. Like I told him to use sences more, so he did.OK

From Rick
P.S If you reply back don't make it spam. And I don't want an argument, so only reply about the story.
there were more description than that. that was just an example! man people cannot take constructive critisism.
and that was constructive critisicm, not flaming.
and jet. read carefully. i said that the chapter was good, just not as good as the others, your others were amazing, especially the first!

Master Ein
9th November 2005, 7:46 PM
I like it alot keep on working I love how you wright

Guitar dude bill
9th November 2005, 8:13 PM
maybe you were right rick. i was rash about that review. i forgot to say the positive things and i deeply apologize for that. because the part was good, just not as good as the previous ones, don't take offense for that alright. with good hope that will end this argument once and for all

Jetx
9th November 2005, 10:14 PM
Okay, it was the PM that got me happy... 2 more possitve posts and I'll write chapter 4 and do a mini biography for 3 characters!!! Oh and Blingin G my sig is the way I want it so I won't change it much anymore, what I will change every so often is the writng under the banner, okay?;D
I'm getting motivation, 2 more reviews and you'll get a treat!

Master Ein
10th November 2005, 7:44 AM
Hehe ^_^ Treat oooh I wonder what it is?

Jetx
10th November 2005, 8:27 AM
Hehe ^_^ Treat oooh I wonder what it is?
I'll do one treat every chapter, 1 more review and I'll reveal who's mini biography you'll be getting and 2 more reviews will be the treat itself, but if the next review is negative that number could go higher, critism could make either and possitive... Must I explain, if anyone has a way I could improve I won't make it negative it'll be possitive and I'll get more reviews next chapter! And I know what you're thinking master Ein, reviewing it again won't count ;D hey wait what if you weren't thinking that, I've only gone and humilated myself!

Yami Ryu
10th November 2005, 9:08 AM
..... god. Maybe you should have been praying for constructive critisism and not 'possitive' reviews. And maybe learn to use spell check. OR GET A BETA READER.

Outside of watching an Emo Breloom run around crying, getting his *** beat by a typoed Magikarp. That can fly. Being saved from the ocean by I'm guessing Super Man, your fic ain't got nothing going for it. Your description of scenes is horrid, the plot, is well I don't see a plot really. The characters are flat, or sterotypes, it seems, and you sherk on doing anything of any real effort in writing these things you call chapters.

Maybe if you put more effort into the next damn chapter, made it something worth reading and not something to laugh your *** off too, you might get reviews. Because really, I am seriously cracking up at the thought of an Emo Breloom named Shroomy.

Guitar dude bill
10th November 2005, 5:41 PM
..... god. Maybe you should have been praying for constructive critisism and not 'possitive' reviews. And maybe learn to use spell check. OR GET A BETA READER.

Outside of watching an Emo Breloom run around crying, getting his *** beat by a typoed Magikarp. That can fly. Being saved from the ocean by I'm guessing Super Man, your fic ain't got nothing going for it. Your description of scenes is horrid, the plot, is well I don't see a plot really. The characters are flat, or sterotypes, it seems, and you sherk on doing anything of any real effort in writing these things you call chapters.

Maybe if you put more effort into the next damn chapter, made it something worth reading and not something to laugh your *** off too, you might get reviews. Because really, I am seriously cracking up at the thought of an Emo Breloom named Shroomy.
renegade! constructive critisism is completely acceptaple. but flaming isn't. and you are a total flamer. this is how i describe you, renegade: total flamer. why not make your title "total flamer?" and if you read the other reviews perhaps you'd understand about the plot. and renegade could you for once stop flaming! it is getting extremely annoying1

Yami Ryu
10th November 2005, 6:00 PM
Renegade! constructive critisism is completely acceptaple. but flaming isn't. and you are a total flamer. this is how i describe you, Renegade: total flamer. why not make your title "total flamer?" and if you read the other reviews perhaps you'd understand about the plot. and Renegade could you for once stop flaming! it is getting extremely annoying1

Alright, let me get this straight, to understand the story, I have to read the reviews? .. that is not how you read a story. You read the chapters, you get the plot. So far, to me, this has no plot. And I am not a total flamer, would you stfu and go cry in a corner, if you have a problem with how I review, keep it to yourself, okay? Okay. But congrats for joining about 15 others who think I flame. But don't be proud. They all were idiots that couldn't write for crap. JetX hasn't proven he has any talent, or that he is trying to get better. I was once told I wanted to be coddled, and yet I didn't. But JetX does.

What, would it make you happy if I wrapped up the critisism in paper and a bow and made it less hurtfull? I'm sorry, but that's not my way. If you don't like how I review, go to a mod, but as one Fanfic mod once said, I only do the same thing she does, and no one *****es at her --;

Articuno god
10th November 2005, 6:23 PM
I Think that was a really good follow up on the first part and i is much more intresing then the first part.

Jetx
10th November 2005, 9:19 PM
Alright articuno god, you just got the other reviewers what they wanted, one more review either possitive or suggesting improvement and you'll get the treat which is a mini bio for Silver and Sally, at the moment they are minor characters but they won't always be

Master Ein
10th November 2005, 10:56 PM
Ummm....>_> I don't realy check on this alot but,As much as I read you cramp stuff to much in one sentence

gardevoir gale
12th November 2005, 9:10 AM
this was a good story, I've only read chapter 1, and it is very interesting what will happen, i think phoenix will run away in anger and shroomy will fight back on phoenix and david will be proud of shroomy!

Guitar dude bill
12th November 2005, 5:46 PM
this was a good story, I've only read chapter 1, and it is very interesting what will happen, i think phoenix will run away in anger and shroomy will fight back on phoenix and david will be proud of shroomy!
what was that! OMG, it wasn't a review, it was mostly spam! just saying like i look forward to the next chapter an' all isn't really reviewing just saying what you think of it

gardevoir gale
13th November 2005, 9:19 AM
fine! if you want a proper review i'll give you one. but seriously man, chill, i never knew someone could make such a big deal about somethin that's not even their story. heres a review you did well in grammar, and the origanality was good, but it's more like a series than a story. so get in a plot ok!

Master Ein
13th November 2005, 10:06 AM
See what I have done for you Jetx YOu now have a active Story.

Jetx
13th November 2005, 12:02 PM
Okay I'll get making that treat but chapter 4's name has been revealed and by plot do you mean I haven't planned? Because I already have planned chapter 6, but I warn you fans that I haven't done much of chapter 4 yet...

Master Ein
13th November 2005, 12:16 PM
Ummm >_> You are wierd and now that you don't need me I won't post here and read it

Jetx
13th November 2005, 6:22 PM
Silver: aggron
Nature: Lonely.
Original trainer: Sally, ID: 45016
Current trainer: David, ID: 32023
Mini ingame details: met at lvl10 in granite cave
Bio (mainly judged on nature): Silver likes to be the boss of things and likes to know he’s ‘top dog’ around places, he is very protective of his mountain which is actually very big and is where he and his family live (wife + 3 children). Silver’s mountain is bigger than David, Sally and Jason’s bases put together! When Silver is in a bad mood he hates people watching him all the time and gets aggressive when they do, however when he’s in a good mood he hates being on his own, during rainstorms or winter he goes to his rarely used room in David’s base, he usually only leaves his mountain for meals, but he does let a lot of pokemon he knows go onto his mountain.

Sally:
ID: 45016
Trainer job: breeder
Bio: Sally always gets her own way and is one of the most attractive people in Hoenn, not the most attractive but she wants to be, she understands pokemon very well and cares for them. But one thing she does take advantage of is boys… She always wins arguments against them. She has a lot of pokemon but leaves a lot in her PC so they can do what they do naturally. She likes David a lot though but when they get in arguments guess who wins…

Guitar dude bill
13th November 2005, 7:18 PM
nice bios. please do a shroomy biography. It is probably what everyone wants to see. i beg you to continue in bios, but get chapter 4 up first

Jetx
14th November 2005, 6:50 PM
nice bios. please do a shroomy biography. It is probably what everyone wants to see. i beg you to continue in bios, but get chapter 4 up first
Well as I said to you I may make a club where you'll see the bios before they're on the fic, and loads of other treats, so you'd have to sign up on it if you want to see the Shroomy one, I'll need alot of reviews to put the Shroomy one on the fic, hehe the excitement of the club is overwhelming, PM me if you like this fic so much that you'll become a member of my club (it's not made yet), I may change chapter 4's name and may write a new chapter 1 to attract more people to my fic, but the original chapter 1 will always be on the club, and since I'm not expecting many members if you do sign up you'll be like a VIP, there are so many advantages on the club that if you like the fic you'd be stupid not to sign up, remember PM me to reserve a space and if you review proving you like it you'll have a higher chance of becoming vip...

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 2:44 PM
okay, i am only commenting on the first chapter. it is good, the suspence, the introductions, brilliant!

Polirick
20th November 2005, 12:19 PM
Cool whens this club starting? tell me please!! I want to join man, who wouldn't?

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 12:21 PM
Cool whens this club starting? tell me please!! I want to join man, who wouldn't?
the club is already up! heres a link http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=95444&page=1&pp=20

Polirick
20th November 2005, 12:29 PM
TY bling but jet has already got a link. I've asked to sign up and he hasn't replied. Well I'll go check now. Can't wait for chapter 4!

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 12:38 PM
i can't wait for chapter 4 either. the third chapter for sand runner is up

pisces_beedrill
20th November 2005, 3:34 PM
okay, i am commenting on the third chappyta.

really good. but when you write, don't jump from one thing to another that fast, or we don't adjust.

brilliant. love it. great story.

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 7:54 PM
really good. but when you write, don't jump from one thing to another that fast, or we don't adjust.


yeah thats what i meant by rushed. TY (thank you) for pointing out that. AND putting in the right words. your a good reviewer

pisces_beedrill
6th December 2005, 11:35 AM
Shroomy wasn't going to sit down and sob, he had to take action so he ran as fast as he could... Very slow, he wasn't getting any exercise; he had to prepare himself to fight OVERWEIGHT!!! Then he heard talking, human talking so Shroomy rolled towards the door and listened.
"Yeah I'm ready Sally so we have no reason to delay let's have the battle now!"

Upon hearing that Shroomy went blood red in the face, "Hey, hey shroomy, ready to win?" Pelipper asked. Shroomy wasn't going to calm down; he grabbed a marill doll and started to suffocate Pelipper! Then Phoenix jumped in she boldly told Shroomy to calm down before being smacked in the face.

David heard the fighting and ran in; he was furious with Shroomy but understood that he was upset. Shroomy felt like he was walking towards war but he wasn't, he was walking to Sally's base.
"So you've arrived but you'll soon be gone after suffering my wrath!" Sally said trying to sound like a gym leader. Shroomy looked up at her waist and saw six fiery balls attached to her belt. The first match was

Pelipper vs Mumble

Mumble the ocean blue azumarill stepped up and braced itself for a tough battle, he looked up but his view was blocked by Pelipper speeding towards him. Pelipper shot a shock wave and Mumble blasted back, he wouldn’t give up, he jumped up and kicked pelipper then he shot multiple ice beams and Pelipper refused to continue!
David-0 Sally-1

Jem vs Blissey

David's crobat Jem looked deep into blissey's sparkling eyes but Jem wasn't quite so jolly. She didn't see the match as a friendly match, Blissey stepped up to her post and Jem just tried to look scary. Blissey gave Jem a happiness egg but Jem just batted it into a wall. The yolk looked like splattered pool of blood, this made Blissey angry, she shot an egg bomb at Jem but Jem flew before it hit. Jem swooped down and hit Blissey in the head. She landed back on her post to see Blissey’s re-action. Blissey’s eyes began to glow a bright red. The room was suddenly an oven with the heat coming off Blissey’s body. Then an inferno blasted out of Blissey’s mouth and melted Jem to the floor!
David-0 Sally-2

Shroomy vs Vine

Vine the sceptile looked down on Shroomy’s small body. “Shroomy, I can see that you are ill. So give up or I’ll have to show you my aerial ace attack!” but Shroomy ignored him and braced himself for the aerial ace. So Vine attacked but all Shroomy’s flab caused Vine to bounce against the wall! Then Shroomy’s mouth opened up, there was a large sound of bubbling and sludge blasted out slamming Vine all over the place, he was half puking and half using sludge bomb. Then Shroomy noticed all the extra weight was gone!
David-1 Sally-2

Sea queen vs Anorith
Anorith wasn’t really an anorith it was an armaldo, the story was that when her anorith evolved she hated the name armaldo so she changed it back to anorith.

Sea queen looked around the room but saw no competition, the pokemon were watching but sea queen saw some of Sally’s team giggling. Sally had an evil smile on her face and David was wiping sweat off his spiky white hair. The suspense was very intimidating. Then a rock burst open it was actually Anorith! Anorith slashed Sea queen and his grey stumpy legs were slamming against the floor creating earthquakes! Sea queen opened her mouth and shot purple toxic spores at Anorith. Anorith felt the grim poison sinking into his veins; He drooped to the floor and saw Sea queen gripping to her post.
“Go for the kill!” Phoenix shouted in a loud voice towards Sea queen.
Sea queen’s mouth opened and a huge cylinder of water blasted out. The recoil was astounding; she tried not to let it push her off her post. Anorith was bombarded by the water; he shot around unconscious Sea queen knew victory was imminent!
David-2 Sally-2

Silver vs Latzok
Silver knew what waited for him, he shivered in fear. He put his steel helmet on and hoped for the best, but he was an aggron with a mission, he was going to win, because if he won it would be impossible for Sally to win but if he lost it would be impossible for David to win.

In front of Silver was a blue hovering creature. Latzok the latios was Sally’s pride and joy. He spoke in a voice which could be heard by human and pokemon “Sorry Silver, but you are going to lose in front of every one!”
“What do you have that’ll wipe me out? You have no super effective moves you can use against me!” Silver shouted. Although he didn’t understand what Silver was saying David knew he was feeling a bit more confident.
“Hahaha what do you have that’s good against me?” Latzok s******ed.

Silver ran toward Latzok jumped into the air and slashed him onto the floor!
“Sweet aerial ace!” David shouted.
Latzok got up and curled then he stopped curling and was fully recovered! Latzok blasted thunder at Silver and Silver was paralyzed. Then Latzok thumped Silver onto the floor!
David-2 Sally-3

Phoenix vs Feather
The final match was about to begin, Feather the dark blue swellow looked at Phoenix with a grin. As best friends Phoenix and Feather could both predict what moves were going to be used, but one of them would use that knowledge to beat the other. David’s party were desperate, all of them barking out encouragement like a pack of angry dogs, so many voices that to Phoenix it sounded like blur. But one voice stood out, a voice of pure care, it was David’s voice, over all the other voices Phoenix heard every word David said “Come on Phoenix, make it short and sweet, and beat her now! Let’s make this match a fair draw.”

Phoenix was ready; she thought to herself ‘Poor predictable Feather, she’ll aerial ace only to be melted when I overheat!’ but what Phoenix didn’t realize was that Feather was a sassy little bird no pea brain like most birds, Phoenix and Feather both had there own plans. Phoenix was waiting for Feather to make the first move and Feather was calculating her plan. The beginning was near and Phoenix couldn’t take it anymore. If the match was meant to be short she was going to take the first and last move. The room got hot and suddenly Feather flew high into the air! Phoenix tried to stop herself but she couldn’t, her body went red and burst into flames! Her eyes went as black as the darkest night in winter and thousands of fiery balls ripped off her body! Shroomy and Vine dived for cover; Silver built a wall of rocks to block the heat. Then phoenix’s body went pitch black, she collapsed onto the floor determined not to let herself fail, not now that she’d come so far, she wanted to make it a draw. She got up slowly and then fell back down onto the floor; she looked up and saw Feather speeding towards her! She tried to gather enough energy to jump out of the way when suddenly Feather struck her on the back. Phoenix pushed and pushed and pushed before fainting in pain and anger.

“Great effort Phoenix, don’t feel bad, you tried your best and I tell you what, if Feather did use aerial ace that match would’ve been a clean sweep!” David said but Phoenix was just angry about the fact Shroomy won and she didn’t.

Suddenly a boy who looked identical to David but had a green headband on burst in!
“David, I did it. I beat Sally in rock, paper, scissors!” the boy shouted excitedly.

“Err… Jason can’t you see I’m busy here and so what you won a game of rock, paper scissors why the hell should I care?” David said angrily, he clearly didn’t like the boy much.

“So I might beat pike queen Lucy! Please come watch me!” Jason said shaking like an earthquake.
David hesitated then agreed to go with him; he called for Shroomy and they both left the base.
“Pix fly!” Jason shouted and an orange dragon about twice Jason’s size swooped down, grabbed him and took off into the distance like a swift angel, absolutely soundless.
“Jem you to fly to the battle frontier.” Then the purple bat gripped David’s shoulders firmly, red lightning zapped Shroomy and he disappeared into a pokeball, then Jem flapped her four silent wings and took off in the same direction as the orange dragon.

David was waiting for an outcome, the whole battle pike shook and there were many sudden thumps. A girl stared hard wondering what was happening. She gazed at Shroomy “Oh wow you have a favorite grass pokemon too? I love mine but she’s a bit quirky. "Rozelle go!” the girl shouted and a plant leaped out of a pokeball. She smiled at Shroomy and then danced around in a circle.

Jason came out of the pike, grabbed a rock and hurled it at David; Rozelle grabbed a seed and threw it at the rock deflecting it just on time.
“I don’t friggin’ believe it, I lost to that milotic pratt again!” Jason shouted steaming in anger. His houndoom was just as angry.
“David you little idiot, thanks for raising my hopes you knew I’d lose didn’t you?” Jason snapped.
“Now hold on a minute, what’s this about? Does it have anything to do with the pike shaking earlier?” the girl asked.
“I can’t be bothered to explain; when David suffers the pain I just suffered I’ll be happy. Now Scorchone CHARGE!!!”

The houndoom ran towards David and Shroomy like a rampaging rhino! Then she paused she knew Shroomy was planning something but she didn’t know what. After that she began to charge again and Shroomy shot loads of seeds against the floor. Scorchone’s dark paws slipped onto the seeds and diverted him towards Shroomy. Shroomy panicked but he heard something that instantly calmed him.

Scorchone skidded along the floor until she was still, then she slowly fell to sleep. Jason sat on a bench and went to sleep, every one felt calm and only Shroomy and Rozelle remained awake. Shroomy knew the sound any where it was called a grass whistle.

Shroomy gazed over at Rozelle praying she wouldn’t go up to him and want to talk. Because Shroomy would muck up and get himself embarrassed. He dropped to the floor pretending to be asleep. He slowly peered through one eye and saw rozelle running round in circles with her eyes closed with thousands of pink and blue petals flying around her. She ran right into the distance and got very close to a cliff. Sharpedos were following her in the water waiting for her to fall off. Shroomy’s eyes suddenly sprang open and he dashed ferociously towards her.

A fisherman just sat there staring thinking Rozelle she knew what she was doing, Shroomy was fuming that he hadn’t tried to help.

David’s eyes lifted and he saw a strange poster in the distance. He woke up Jason, Scorchone and Rozelle’s trainer and they all went to look at it. It had a torkoal with flippers swimming underwater around the size of a wailord. They all stared at it puzzled and Scorchone wanted to show Rozelle and Shroomy but they weren’t in sight. She bit Jason and made it obvious they were gone.
“Rozelle, Shroomy?” they all asked a little shaky in their voices. Rozelle’s trainer was the most worried.
“Oh no Rozelle might be doing one of her petal dances with her eyes closed! It’s not safe in a cliffy place like the battle frontier!”

They all looked for them but Scorchone managed to sniff them out. They ran towards them but they were way to far away and Rozelle was about to hurl herself off the cliff!

The fisherman still stared at them puzzled when it happened… Rozelle slipped off the cliff! Her eyelids shot open and she panicked, Shroomy dived after her and that was when the fisher realized it was no joke. He dashed to where they and told them to grab his fishing rod.
It dangled down like a long vine but Shroomy couldn’t reach it he held Rozelle in one hand and the hook on the other.

They were almost drowning as the fisherman began to pull them up. He was being too slow; the sharpedos were coming at an enormous speed! The fisher got them about half way up the cliff and the sharpedos were jumping for them.
David and the girl watched desperately.

The rod suddenly snapped and Shroomy and Rozelle fell into the sharpedos that were circling below!


brilliant, wel done. i love it. one question: who is pheonix and whi is feather {which pkmn are they?}

Guitar dude bill
7th December 2005, 6:53 PM
You double posted the same thing pisces. Delete one post. Oh and phoenix is a blaziken and feather is aswellow

Jetx
24th December 2005, 1:31 PM
Here's chapter 4, thanks for the reviews everyone, this isn't such a great chapter and contains mild name-calling which 3-year olds can't read. ;)
Oh and a very minor amount of gore. (somebody bleeds)

Chapter 4: Forest life.

The shroomishes panicked and ran around in circles. The brown bug floated towards them and they screeched.
“Bloomish, bloomish what do we do?” one of the shroomishes panicked and carried on dashing around in circles with her eyes closed.
“I don’t know ask Moony.”
“Moony?! My name’s Shroomy… Hey wait a minute; did you call me moony on purpose?” Shroomy growled at Bloomish, “Well your name is… Err… erm your name is… Moonish!” Shroomy shouted remembering how he used to joke with his friends all the time. The ghostly bug just sat there watching them all having their joke arguments.
“Waaaah he called me Moonish I’m so offended aren’t I Gloomy?”
“Are you saying I smell like a gloom?” Shroomy mumbled angrily and the bug was getting tired. A one-eyed ghost clobbered the bug on the back telling it to kill them.

Bloomish turned around and remembered the bug. Then he started running around in circles again with all the other shroomish. Shroomy pushed himself up and threw a powerful punch at the bug, his red fish shot through the bug and the bug grabbed him by the arm.

“Mummy, mummy, I want my MUMMY! Shroomy help us!” a shroomish cried and looked up only to see Shroomy grasping the bug, begging for mercy. The bug said slowly “Come with us to mount pyre, come with us to mount pyre!” and Shroomy began to scream.

Meanwhile back at Fallarbor town Phoenix was resting on a brown rock happily, Shroomy free after so long!
“Get off my mountain magma slime!” Silver growled at Phoenix and threw her off the rock. Phoenix groaned and jumped back onto mountain.
“I said get off dirt! This mountain is my family’s and you are banned from ever putting your foot on it!” Silver roared thinking of Shroomy. Phoenix walked further and further up the mountain until she reached the top.
“Oh hello I’m sorry about Silver, he’s… Well he’s been acting strange recently don’t worry I’m sure you annoyed Shroomy hastily, I’m very hasty too…” Silver’s wife said kindly whilst trying to comfort Phoenix.
“WHEEEEEE!” a small shiny aron screamed and jumped on top of Phoenix kicking her ferociously.
“Get off Mini idiot!” Phoenix shouted and threw the aron against the floor.

“Oh I am sorry that’s Silver junior, he’s impish, we’re only calling him that until we think of a better name… However I do not want you to make fun of him again! Understood?” Silver’s wife grumbled. But before Phoenix could reply Silver junior interrupted “I didn’t do that to be naughty, I did it because Daddy wanted me to! Shroomy was my friend to!” he said it cutely but he was actually very angry.

Phoenix felt something on her arm she swung round and saw Silver with a glint of red in his eyes grasping her! Silver tossed her off the mountain and she slid thumping her head many times on the way, she groaned at the bottom and felt blood oozing out of her body. Suddenly out of nowhere Sally sprang up and held her tightly.

“Don’t worry Phoenix you’ll be fine, I’ll just carry you to a pokecenter and you can recover there.” But Phoenix was losing hope. Would she survive?

“Bird… ba-ba-ba bird?” trembled a small shroomish whilst looking up at Feather’s blue body. “There are three bugs and one…”
“Go on.” Feather said curiously.
“Well one captured my pal Shroomy!” the shroomish cried as his tears dripped off his body. Feather panicked, she shot up into the air, swooped down and gripped the shroomish tightly in her claws.

“So when did you last see Shroomy? You obviously got here fast.” Feather asked the shroomish.

“I run a lot, so it took me five minutes to run all the way to fallarbor.” The shroomish replied.

“No way?! Are you a ninjask in disguise?” she joked and swooped down onto the forest floor.

“You can take the breloom but you can’t take us, you can take the breloom but you can’t take us…” five shroomishes were chanting at the ghosts, when feather angrily knocked them over using her wings. The shroomishes looked up at Feather and shivered.
“Don’t just sit there, think of Shroomy!” Feather shouted allowing the other shroomish off her back.
“Well excuse me smellow but how do you know Shroomy? I’ve known him since we were babies!” Bloomish shouted angrily.
“Humph. My name is Feather, and where do you find the guts to make fun of my species names? For you’re information my name is Feather, my owner is his owner’s girlfriend!” and after saying that she took off in pursuit of the bug.

“Not long now friend…” the ghost slowly mumbled to Shroomy.

“GET YOUR SOLID ARMS OFF HIM!” Feather roared in rage and then swooped down and kicked the bug causing it to spin away, the bug curled up and there was a huge explosion which sent Shroomy whizzing towards the grassy forest floor.

Shroomy was unconscious and Feather was hurt, Feather dived at Shroomy and Shroomy thumped her to the ground.
“Thanks… for… saving… me…” Shroomy said weakly.
“You’re not saved yet, I have to get you to a pokecenter.” Feather said and then she put her last bits of energy into flying.

She dropped Shroomy in front of Sally and then collapsed.
“Oh my gosh, you poor things. I’ve gotta take you to a pokecenter.” Sally said and grabbed them both.

At the pokecenter they saw Phoenix; she snarled at Shroomy and then went to sleep. It was night, Shroomy couldn’t sleep. He got a visitor and it wasn’t David.

“Pssst, psst, Shroomy who did this to you?” whispered a voice.
“It was some ghosts in the petalburg woods! Who are you?” Shroomy said loudly, it was as if he was better already. The room lit up making Feather and Phoenix roll over thinking it was a dream. The light was coming from a pokemon’s mouth.

“Scorchone?!” Shroomy asked hoping for a yes.
“Yes it’s me! I’ll help you!” she replied.
“Wazzup tomboy dog?” he jokily replied.
“D’you want me to help you are not? Tomboy maybe but I don’t like being called one…” she replied again.

Shroomy pushed himself onto his feet feeling a lot better; he and Scorchone went to find Latzok.

When they found him they woke him up and told him to tell Jason that Scorchone had decided to go with Shroomy and live in petalburg forest for a month or two, Latzok was a bit surprised, he said his goodbyes and levitated up creating a cloud of dust, he zoomed off at the speed of light to tell Jason but when he came back Shroomy and Scorchone were gone…

“Well this is exciting isn’t it?” Shroomy beamed happily.
Scorchone dropped her dark eyelids over her eyes and sighed, she then reopened them again.
“Yes…” She sighed again unhappily.
“What’s the matter?” asked Shroomy looking slightly less excited.
“The ghosts that’s what!” she shouted angrily staring furiously at Shroomy.
“Oh.” said Shroomy hoping it would change the subject…

A while later they arrived, and saw a big blue bird sitting in a tree. It was Feather, beside her was Phoenix. Shroomy backed up behind a tree and tried to listen to them. They were mumbling about how they’d been sent to find him. The night sky was dark and the stars were glistening down on him. The trees were dark and stared at him, as if they were saying ‘Go to sleep, go to sleep.’ then his tiredness overwhelmed him and he hit the ground in deep slumber.

When he woke up he got a surprise, a shroomish was looking right at him.
“Hey there Shroomy!” it said. Shroomy stared confusedly at it, put his red hands against the floor lifted himself onto his feet.
“No, don’t tell me your Bloomsih, anything but Bloomish this early in the morning!” he complained waiting for a nasty comment to flare out of the shromish’s mouth.
“Haha,” it laughed “No I’m not Bloomish, it’s me, Suut! Bloomish, and the rest of the gang got captured by a group of ghosts, oh and so did a bird, a dog and a fire thingy!”
Shroomy gasped and grabbed Suut, he held him against his body and then took off through the woods. Suut looked behind him and noticed how fast Shroomy was running, he was a bit scared so he looked down upon the green spots that were on his body and imagined that they were mini faces trying to cheer him up. Then he felt a huge vibration as Shroomy skidded to a stop. Shroomy dropped Suut onto the floor and his eyes widened in fear. Suut looked up at Shroomy’s scared face and then stared in the direction Shroomy was. Suut eyes then burst open as well. In front of them was the whole gang tied up and in front of the gang were about fifty blazikin staring ferociously at them. They clenched their fists and looked ready to kill, and behind them a group of ghosts were smiling in a satisfied way!
__________________________________

Is it okay? I admit that it was a bit odd, but that's what I'm working on. :)

Review away people!

Guitar dude bill
13th January 2006, 4:57 PM
Wellllllllllll.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible either.
Your grammar is terrible. Even worse than your other fics. Every noun should be capatalized, that includes Mount Pyre, Aron, Fallabor etc. And well, your sentence grammar faults is just- frightening. If I was to go correcting all of it. I would take FOREVER! So I'll just say that every action is a sentence.
This is very rushed. Read some fics that aren't rushed to get the basic idea. Needs more description, what does Scorchone look like? I don't think you explained that earlier. You're lucky that I know she's a Houndoom. Otherwise I would've assumed she was a Combusken. And the mountain's meant to be south of Fallabor. Not in Fallabor. What does the mountain look like? What does an Aron look like? Needs an awful lot more description.
But
It's quite interesting. Shroomy's quite a good character and it was a good length.
Just add more description, make sure you don't rush it, and find out grammar more to improve
PS: Sorry for calling you a flamer Renegade. Please NO one chew me out for it.

Jetx
15th January 2006, 6:49 PM
Well, I'll start by answering some of Bling's stuff, which he blurted at me rather negatively... :(
It's a good thing I improved a lot in this chapter so that others can start reading here rather than the having to read up to this point.


Even worse than your other fics
But you like my other fics. XD

Every noun should be capatalized, that includes Mount Pyre, Aron,
Every proper noun. Aron, the pokemon is not a proper noun.

And the mountain's meant to be south of Fallabor. Not in Fallabor.
How do you know that? It's just a mountain that Silver made near Sally and david's base...

Well, I definately improved in this chapter, definately.

Chapter 5: The adventure begins.

Shroomy stood still, sweating in fear. He lifted his green head revealing his face which although was covered in shade, you could see was very angry.
“Get ready to battle.” Shroomy said rashly. He was standing in the middle of petalburg woods, in front of fifty fiery beasts, blazikens.
“Ya,” called a small mushroom like creature covered in green spots. “Shroomy’ll take you out!” he tried to look threatening, but the beasts weren’t even worried about Shroomy. They turned round and laughed at Feather, Phoenix, Scorchone and the shroomish gang.
“Ssssh, shut up Suut!” snapped Shroomy looking down on the small shroomish. “You don’t make me look stronger.”

Shroomy stepped closer to the blazikens, they also tried to look strong with their scorching arms and fiery legs. But Shroomy was desperate to rescue his friends.

The blazikens turned their heads and were ready to shoot fire all over. Three of them stepped forward with their giant legs and looked down at Shroomy, they were twice his height.

The other blazikens shot their heads around as they heard a groan and a whimper. They eventually looked in front of them and saw a blaziken drop to floor holding between its legs. They looked surprised as they saw Shroomy smiling and getting ready to throw another punch. The other two blazikens that were in front of the others stepped back and looked scared but they opened their mouths and began to get ready again to shoot fire, this time at Shroomy.

Shroomy dived back towards Suut.
“Okay, Suut. I have a plan, when I say charge we both need to run at them and strike them in their weak spots!”
Suut nodded his large head and started to look angry.
“Okay, CHARGE!” Shroomy shouted. Suut slammed his stumpy legs against the floor and growled furiously at the beasts. But the blazikens began to roar with laughter and roll all over the floor. Suut stopped charging and looked around, Shroomy wasn’t with him.

“It’s not my fault if I and the others all die because the only person to have a chance of rescuing them was me.” Suut moaned rashly. The blazikens were still slamming their grey fists against the floor shaking crazily with laughter.

Even the ghosts who had sent the blazikens to capture the gang were getting tired. A long time had passed yet the blazikens still couldn’t calm down or pick themselves up. Eventually Suut turned round as he heard heavy breathing. Shroomy was back and on his back was a blue fish with a bulb like sphere hanging from his head. Shroomy fell to the floor and got back up as he was regaining his breath.
“Thanks for the ride.” The fish smiled. Shroomy puffed and mouthed ‘no problem’.
“Okay, lardy-dar, I was never abandoned!” Suut shouted angrily at shroomish.
“Sorry,” Shroomy replied with a bit of a s******. “But you look so funny when you run that I thought you could keep them entertained for a while.”
“Yeah, a real logical plan, I would never have thought of it.” Suut growled feeling betrayed.
“Well it worked didn’t it?” Shroomy s******ed looking better.
“Why the heck did you go?” Suut complained. Shroomy pointed at the blue fish emphasizing his color. Suut understood that it was a water type.
“Ah, a lanturn,” Suut smiled, and then he looked angry again as he looked at the blazikens who were now calm. “Let’s do this thing!”

The blazikens held in their laughter as Suut, Shroomy and the lanturn ran at them. They wave their arms in the air creating a barrier of fire which caused the others to skid to a halt. Shroomy smiled.
“Glint, now!” the blue fish lifted it head propelled a bomb of water at the barrier. The barrier was ripped apart and drops of water sprayed all over the blazikens. But this time, the blazikens really were ready to blast out fire. The battle had begun.

Shroomy dived against a tree and scrambled up it whilst many of the blazikens began to kick Glint. Glint groaned and blasted water at a blaziken sending it hurtling towards another. The blazikens collided and were thrown back; they both went black in the eyes and looked dead.

Glint began to whimper and was about to give up. When Shroomy dived out of the tree and kicked one in the back of its head. It instantly slammed against the floor started crying. It turned around and looked cute, but extremely weak. Shroomy was about to help it up and apologize, he felt bad about leaving it there suffering.

“NO! Shroomy don’t,” a voice called, Shroomy turned around and realized it was Feather. Feather then carried on talking, her beak began open and close and she began to try and peck open the rope she and the others were tied up on. But she couldn’t and gave up. So she tried to stop Shroomy verbally. “They’re not real, just minions created by the ghosts, they have no emotions, and their only feelings are pain, anger, humour and confidence.”

The blaziken still cried and begged Shroomy for mercy. But Shroomy kicked it in the face and its eyes went black.
“I did wonder why they none of them fancied Phoenix…” he smiled.

Shroomy swung round and saw Glint sliding against the floor, injured. Shroomy ran at the group that did it. They saw him coming and before he could strike, they all, together, kicked him airborne.

Shroomy cringed and then slammed against a tree, far away from the blazikens. His head slumped to his right and glistening red blood slithered out of his nose in the sunlight. He was too weak to do anything, but he noticed that the ghosts and some of the blazikens were gone, but where?

He picked his head up and rested against the tree-trunk. He saw something very good happening, Glint was protecting himself with a field of water and the blazikens couldn’t get through. He also saw Suut chewing at the rope that the shroomish gang were warapped in. Then it came to him.
“Suut, you genius!” he shouted. Suut looked up at Shroomy, smiled, and chewed again. Then Shroomy grasped the rope and it began to get weak where Suut’s teeth had been chewing, eventually it ripped apart and the five other shroomishes jumped away from each other and were ready for battle. Shroomy pointed at the other rope which wrapped around Feather, Phoenix and Scorchone. Scorchone howled and stretched out her long black neck, preparing herself for battle. The shroomish gang ran to the other rope and chewed on it.

“C’mon boys, lets kill these fatty-kens!” Bloomish, one of the shroomishes, smiled. The others nodded and they all began to chew.

Shroomy suddenly remembered Glint; he turned around and saw him, to weak to hold up the water any longer. He was injured and the blazikens were caving in on him. Shroomy dived at them and wrapped his arms around one of the blaziken’s long orange legs. He tugged at it and the blaziken turned around. It looked down at Shroomy and got ready to beam him with flames. But he was yet another one who got hit between the legs. Shroomy tried to take his mind off the blood on his face. He kicked and punched, he was kicked and he was punched, but he and Glint kept fighting. No matter how much pain they were in. Shroomy smiled after a long fight. He still felt strong, and he ran up to one of the blazikens ready to kick. But the blaziken was expecting it and propelled fire all over Shroomy.

Shroomy slammed backwards to the dusty floor and choked in pain. His eyes rolled round and his eyelids slipped over his eyes. He lay on the floor, he had no motivation. He was so confident, but he was beaten, by something that isn’t even real. He didn’t even want to try again, he had failed. He listened as Glint attacked, and how he groaned when he was attacked, but he just ignored it. A few times he felt kicks to his side as blazikens were checking to see whether Shroomy was dead. They thought he was.

He lay there for ages, nothing was happening, just the same old fights between Glint and the blazikens. He listened to Glint struggle, and still lay there. He felt tempted to get up when he thought of forest fires. But he didn’t…

But he sprang up as he heard growls. He twisted his head, and felt better about the burns he had, which felt like people hacking at his skin with pickaxes. He stared at the others, they were free, and the shroomish gang looked proud of themselves.

Feather swooped down and landed on Scorchone’s bone-covered back.
“Let’s win this.” She smiled.

Feather flapped her blue wings and flew around the blazikens swooping at them and pecking them ferociously. Scorchone launched herself at the blazikens and stuck her sharp, white teeth deeply into their skins. She yanked back her neck tearing skin off the blaziken. Phoenix pretended to be one of them, they told her to kick Glint. She lifted her leg and when she was about to kick she swung round and hit the other blazikens instead. The shroomish gang together sat on a branch. They bent the branch back and were catapulted at the blazikens, they held out their legs and thumped them against the long hair like substance on the back of their heads. The battle became easy, and all of the blazikens were being thrashed. Eventually the remaining ones were outnumbered, there was a horrific scream and the five last blazikens smiled and mysteriously crumbled down into grey ash on the forest floor.

Everybody was confused, but they refused to believe that something bad had happened, they chose to imagine that the blazikens had surrendered. All of them including the shroomish gang were injured and wanted to go back to David and Sally’s base. They all together marched off. But eventually the shroomishes decided to stay in the forest as they felt heat nearby. As the others approached the base the heat was growing stronger. Then they arrived.

The bases were up in flames and the area was silent, not a living creature in sight, the bridge the fisherman usually sat on was snapped. Everything was destroyed.

Feather fell to the floor sadly and the others hugged each other in fear. Shroomy couldn’t bare the suspense. He ran to the river bank and leapt across to the base. He looked inside, there were no dead bodies, but the whole place was a blur, the fire glistened and weather now seemed depressing. Shroomy felt the unbearable heat and fainted.

When he woke up he was in petalburg woods with the others and the shroomish gang. They were all still upset. Shroomy realized that they were all to sad to stay looking at the wreck so they had brought him back to the petalburg woods and told the shroomish gang.

“They’re not dead,” Shroomy said weakly. The others turned around and looked at him. “They were kidnapped.”

The others were still upset, they all stood around wondering what to do next. A smile rose up onto Shroomy’s face.
“I’ve got it!” he shouted. The others all looked up. “We need a league, a giant gang, and we’ll explore Hoenn to try to find David and the others!” there was silence and few shook their heads.
“Doesn’t surprise me that Shroomy was the one who came up with such a stupid idea.” Phoenix complained. Glint swung round slapped Phoenix in her face with his scaly blue tail.
“It’s worth a try,” he said. “Phoenix, we beat fifty blazikens back there, we’re not going to struggle to beat you, one blaziken.”
“We didn’t beat fifty blazikens back there, we beat about thirty-five.” Shroomy said.
“We did though.” One of the shroomishes said in confusion.
“No, about fifteen disappeared, like the last five did.” Shroomy replied.
“Do you think they did it?” the shroomish said.
“Maybe, but whoever did do this is gonna pay!” Feather growled.

They were about to leave, on a dangerous quest. They couldn’t turn back or they’d never see the other pokemon and trainers again. Shroomy’s adventure was really about to begin, with the Shroomy league!

Please review, all reviews appreciated.

Guitar dude bill
15th January 2006, 8:07 PM
Much better!
I spotted a few grammar mistakes

Suut shouted angrily at shroomish.
It's meant to be Shroomy

It instantly slammed against the floor started crying
Isn't it meant to be 'it instantly slammed against the floor and started crying'?

Feather then carried on talking, her beak began open and close
That's probably meant to be 'Feather then carried on talking, her bean began to open and close'

He also saw Suut chewing at the rope that the shroomish gang were warapped in.
It's wrapped not warraped

to weak to hold up the water any longer.
It's too weak to hold up the water any longer.

But eventually the shroomishes decided to stay in the forest as they felt heat nearby.
That's the wrong fealt. That kind of felt is like felt tips.
Aron is a proper noun and should be capatalized. I'm not the only reviewer that would say that ya know.
But finally, the plot. Hooray, hooray, after four chapters, we've finally discovered the plot. Let's celebrate. A pretty good plot as well. Really cliffhanging. Blazikens were described well. So overall this is a well done.
Just tru and asure that you don't misuse words by accident in future. Some parts were a bit rushed but a big improvement. Can't wait for the next chapter.

pisces_beedrill
16th January 2006, 11:56 AM
The sharpedos were going so fast that they created a whirlpool and Shroomy and Rozelle were sucked in! The sharpedos dived in and one bit Shroomy hard! The pain spread round Shroomy’s body and he punched a sharpedo in anger, it cut his hand and he really began to feel pain.

On the cliff David was telling Jem to help them but she was too scared. She looked down and trembled. Jem swooped down and confused one. The confused sharpedo bit another one and they swam off fighting.

“Nice one Jem!” David shouted when a sharpedo blasted out of the water and bit Jem. Jem fell into the water and the remaining three sharpedos chased her.

David suddenly realized that he needed to command Shroomy.
“Shroomy Giga drain!” he shouted and Shroomy leapt out of the water, he held his hand to his mouth and his mouth went light green. He jumped onto a sharpedo and sucked out all of its energy, the sharpedo sank and all that Shroomy could see in the water was a shadow getting smaller, although he had all his enegy back Jem and Rozelle were still drowning.
“Sea queen go!” David shouted and Sea queen created a twister that tossed the remaining sharpedos aside however it also tossed the others away. She swam to save Jem, like a dolphin she dragged her to the cliffside when one of the sharpedos came back, she leapt out of the water and Jem created wind to push them that little bit further. Then they were in the pokeball’s range, they were zapped in but Shroomy and Rozelle were still in trouble.

Shroomy turned around and was frozen in fear; he tasted the grim taste of blood in the rippling waves. About twenty sharpedos were waiting patiently for Shroomy to try and escape. He threw seeds at one and they drained its health. It came over in fury and dived at Shroomy, and then it came up with Rozelle lying on it’s head, Shroomy swam to the sharpedo and held it tightly waiting for Rozelle to wake up.

Rozelle woke up and instantly knew what Shroomy wanted her to do. She let out a soothing song and all that heard went to sleep.

Shroomy suddenly looked at where his hands were, on the sharpedo’s ears! The sharpedo lowered it’s head and Rozelle slipped off. Then it zoomed towards Shroomy and it’s head struck Shroomy into the distance. The small battle frontier of southern Hoenn now looked like a dot to Shroomy. He was closer to Ever Grande city and there he found more problems. About ten more sharpedos came up, it was getting really tedious and Shroomy gave up.
“You can eat me but I swear it’ll be the last thing you do!” he shouted feeling upset when a wailord rose up and batted two sharpedos all the way to the pokemon league. The remaining eight were scared stiff but Shroomy didn’t tell the wailord to hurt them he told it to save Rozelle.

The wailord swam off and Shroomy waited to see whether the sharpedos were too scared to fight or not. But they weren’t.
“Say your prayers mushroom boy!” the biggest one snapped concentrating his big red eyes on Shroomy.

It was very unlikely for another wailord to come so Shroomy began to cry, he could never out swim a sharpedo in fact he could barely swim at all...

“Shra… Shroomy is that you?” questioned a voice.

“Yes it’s me whoever you are show yourself and HELP ME!!!” he answered.

Then from behind a rock rose Latzok! Now the sharpedos were scared.

“What do want from us?” the biggest one asked with his eyes turning from red to blue trying to look innocent.

“I’m not going to forgive you sea rats!” Latzok shouted angrily.

He swooped down, grabbed Shroomy and shot a lightning bolt at the water. The water flashed like a broken light and the sharpedos sank deep into the water.

Latzok zoomed back to the frontier and told Shroomy that he had to pay him back.
“Okay Shroomy, I rescued you so I want you to do me a favour, I want you save that roselia, that wailord and I will keep the sharpedos away.”

He dropped Shroomy into the water and flew off to another group of sharpedos that were heading their way.

Meanwhile David and the girl had lost all hope; Shroomy and Rozelle were to far away to be seen so they presumed they were sitting in a sharpedo’s stomach or dead at the bottom of the sea. Jem swooped down and took David away and the big yellowish orange dragon took the girl and Jason away.

The fisherman looked into the distance and saw Shroomy swimming towards the island with Rozelle holding tightly to his tail. He swore to himself that if they made it back he would search the whole of Hoenn for their owners. But then he thought sadly, he only had one pokemon which was given to him and now he had no rod.
“Go magic carp!” he shouted and a big red fish flopped out of a pokeball and fell into the water, it looked up waiting for a command.

“Go and save those grass pokemon now!” he shouted but the fish only laughed and swam around in circles intimidating him.
“I don’t believe you, I feed you I love you, I trained you more than enough for you to evolve but you just never obey me, why do I need a badge, I love you and your old trainer abused you. Why oh why? I don’t think I could beat Roxanne, Brock or Falkner with you! Please just do what I say, just this once, please.” He shouted almost in tears.

The fish was tempted to help him but it just turned away and watched him sob.

“That’s it; he obviously will do the opposite to what I tell him to do, if I can weaken that breloom and that roselia I can catch them, beat Roxanne and then Magic carp would obey me! Hey wait the breloom won’t obey me anyway, but if I tell them not to giga drain Roxanne’s pokemon I could win!” he said to himself happily.

Shroomy was at the cliffside; he punched a hole in the cliff and started to sky uppercut some stairs. He came up and Rozelle hugged him tightly, Shroomy blushed.

“NO! Magic carp don’t hurt them!” the fisher shouted. An evil smirk came up on the fish’s face; it leapt out of the water and landed beside Shroomy, it then dived at Shroomy and hit him in the face; Shroomy tumbled over and got angry toxic purple sludge filled up in Shroomy’s mouth, the fish dived at Shroomy again at sludge blasted out all over the 3 of them, Magic carp fainted and Shroomy and Rozelle were heavily poisoned!

The fisher threw two net balls and caught them both…

In David’s secret base David and the girl’s pokeballs fell off their belt and Shroomy and Rozelle’s ones broke.
“That’s funny, aren’t they meant to be indestructible so that you can bury them in mt. pyre?” David said but he wasn’t upset, his face lightened up at the thought of Shroomy being alive so he put Shroomy’s old pokeball back together.
“Jem fly me to the battle frontier.” He said excitedly and Jem swooped down and picked him up then she took off to southern Hoenn.

The fisher saw Jem flying overhead!
“Don’t run off, destroy that crobat!” he shouted and the three pokemon sprinted towards the S.S.Tidal.

A few days later the fisher came out of Rustboro gym very proudly, now even Shroomy obeyed him and so did Magic carp and Rozelle.

‘RING, RING!’ “Hello this is Jason.”

“Hey Jason it’s Roxanne, I just lost to a pretty powerful trainer, I’m a bit annoyed so I need to regain my pride please come battle me…”

“Well sure I’ll be right over!” Jason replied and then his dragonite (the big orange dragon) took him away.

As he walked towards the gym he saw the fisher coming out with Rozelle sitting happily on his shoulders.

“Hey give those pokemon back!” Jason shouted going red in the face and grasping a bright red pokeball.

“Grrr… You had to come and ruin my happiness didn’t you? Can’t you see? They love me; you think they’ve forgotten their old trainers? We just won a match together we make a perfect team right guys?” he asked and his pokemon nodded, they weren’t under hypnosis they really loved him!

“Give them back! You’d still be able to visit them.” Jason repeated.

“You have no idea what my life is like, it’s terrible and these pokemon came along like angels and gave me my happy thoughts back, you think I’m going to let you take them away again? Get them guys, if you love him more spare him.” The fisher said angrily.
Jason jumped back and his six pokemon rose out of their pokeballs.

Scorchone rampaged towards Shroomy but her low defence didn’t help, Shroomy walloped her aside. Her black body lay on the floor like a waterless person in the middle of a desert.

Jason’s other pokemon trembled in fear but his alakazam was ready, he unleashed a hidden power that froze Shroomy with ice, the other pokemon gained hope as they watched Shroomy faint. But Rozelle shot thousands of seeds at them all; four of Jason’s remaining pokemon backed down with thousands of seeds in their eyes. One remained, it was Dairy his miltank. Rozelle looked down at Shroomy and she wasn’t happy, Shroomy saved her life, she could imagine her and Shroomy in love forever, but Shroomy couldn’t he was to scared to tell Rozelle that he wanted them to be friends… Rozelle wanted to be on the floor kissing Shroomy so she pretended to faint and sat down waiting for Shroomy to gain consciousness.

Dairy looked at magic carp and thought about her high defence, an obvious easy match awaited her.
“Magic carp, splash!” the fisher shouted and Dairy was confused, why use such a weak move?

Magic carp jumped into a lake way to far away for Dairy to attack him. He moved a bit closer and then started flapping furiously causing drops spray into the pink cow’s eyes, Dairy hopped back blinded and fell into the lake, she ran out of energy and gave up, Magic carp had won, overjoyed the fisherman forgot to praise Magic carp.

“Okay, okay you win it’s just that you want a pokemon to love you, well think about Magic carp, you have him and you’d still be able to visit Shroomy and Rozelle…”

“That’s… That’s… A very good point, of course I could still visit them! Thank you for teaching me that…” the fisher said, Jason watched as the fisher dashed through the whole of Rustboro and jumped up a ledge then headed through a cave which was full of moon and sun shaped pokemon.

“Pix fly!” Jason shouted and flew to David’s base.

When he arrived he saw the fisher leave the base proudly.

“Oh and how could I forget to say that was an awesome effort and win there Magic carp?” The fisher said and Magic carp smiled.

Suddenly Magic carps skin went white with a hint of blue, he stretched out long and his eyes let out a blinding light, there was a sound of a deep pokemon cry as his mouth stretched open, small white wings popped out of his long bright body, there was a huge splash as he slammed into the lake.
In front of the trainers was a long blue dragon!

“It’s a gyarados, I’ve been training him for so long and he’s finaly evolved, the badge made him love me and now we’ll have a life long friendship!” The fisher smiled and told David that everyday he would fish on the bridge next to his base.

“Oops speaking of badges I need to battle Roxanne!” Jason said and went off to Rustboro.

Shroomy smiled, nothing could possibly go wrong! But upon that thought something bad did happen, Rozelle jumped up and hugged Shroomy making him worry what the future would bring, where would he scoop up the courage to ask her whether they could just be friends?

It was tea time; Pelipper licked his bill and looked down at his meal.
“Oh how I wish I could’ve eaten that magicarp I saw earlier, oh well I prefer remoraid and I’ve got five sitting in my bow!” Pelipper smiled. “Hey wait, that one isn’t dead!”

As he said that the silver fish blasted open and went all red, grew legs and strangled Pelipper!

“Hey an octillery, Sally really wants one I’d better catch it.” David said but the octillery needed water so it jumped into the lake and swam off…

The doorbell rang and David saw Sally at the door.
“Sorry guys but Sally ‘n’ I are goin’ to the cinema tonight, catch ya later!” David said and then ran outside.
“So what shall we do while he’s gone?” asked Phoenix.

“Food fight!” Silver roared and threw one of Shroomy’s oats at Phoenix.

“No way! You eat rocks so this could get dodgy…” Jem pointed out.

“I’ve got something we can do!” Phoenix said making an evil smirk at Shroomy. “So Shroomy I hear you gotta hot date with an ugly plant!”

“She’s not ugly, just leave Shroomy alone!” Silver shouted comparing his size to Phoenix and smiling that he was much bigger.

“Aaah what the heck I’m gonna tell her stuff that aren’t true so she’ll dump him!” she said looking at Shroomy to see his re-action.

“Go ahead!” Shroomy said hoping she would. Everyone was surprised at what he said.

“Oh he’s just trying to stop me because he’s a loser, loser, loser, loser!” she chanted.

Shroomy got angry and slammed his bowl against the table causing oats to fly everywhere and then he snapped his bowl in half and ran off to his room closely followed by everyone but Phoenix who sat down proud of herself.

“Shroomy try to ignore Phoenix, we’re all on your side.” Pelipper said “But you’ve gotta admit you do love each over loads right?” he joked but Shroomy wasn’t laughing, he was outraged. He punched a hole through a pillow and roared at the others causing them to rush out of his room, he stamped furiously on the floor and felt annoyingly misunderstood and at that moment David returned and heard Shroomy in rage.

He entered Shroomy’s room and saw broken dolls sitting beside his snapped bed, a chair made of stone was cracked on the floor and he felt the heat coming off Shroomy’s body, he smelt sweat and dust everywhere, feathers from the dolls were on the floor and Shroomy’s body, the floor made of wood had been cracked open revealing mud underneath which also covered the floor around it, vines hang from the leafy ceiling and some were torn up on the floor, the room was completely destroyed! Shroomy made an angry face and waited for David to cheer him up, but David was not happy…

“No Shroomy! Stop making that face, you have gone way to far this time, this behavior is unexplainable and unacceptable, now stop expecting me to be calm, I just had a great time with Sally, you are not the only thing I like, I have a girlfriend who lives next door and I’m sure she can hear me now, you’ve become way to much for me to handle! I’m going to have to tell you to go to petalburg woods and stay there for at least a month, I’m sorry but I must tell you this and I must know you know why. I will be telling my pokemon to make sure you’re safe now go, I’ll visit you once a week, that’s how much I see Sally when you’re around…” David mumbled.

Shroomy was upset he left the base and cried hard for over an hour, he walked off to petalburg wishing he didn’t act so stupidly…

He arrived at petalburg and a group of shroomish welcomed him and commented on how they remembered him, so there was a bright side, he got to see his old friends.

That night Shroomy sat on a log by a fire, something scrathed his back, he turned around and nothing was there so he turned back, looked up and a group of ghosts were staring at him and the shroomishes he was with.

“Err do you know them?” Shroomy asked.

“No.” the shroomishes whispered worriedly.

“We are the ghosts that escaped mt. Pyre and we are looking for pokemon to take back to our graves!” the ghosts said slowly at the exact same time. Shroomy prepared for battle when suddenly a ghostly bug rose up and Shroomy had no move to beat it with!

NOTE: If you are still enjoying this fic REVIEW IT or I won't be too enthusiastic about doing a part 4...
just commenting on ^^

okay *takes a deep breath* here we go:

negative
1) confusing
2)
ring ring i aske you!
3) i liked chap 1 and 2 but this isn't really good
4) the ending is messed
5) is there any emotion?
6)the ending was terrible and confusing

positive
1)good beginning
2) very nice description with the sharpedo's

um, yeah, sorry to be harsh, but i know you are a good writer, i can tell from the 1st 2 chapters, but this chapter was terrible considering your amazing abilities!
3) the beginning was excellent

Jetx
16th January 2006, 1:06 PM
just commenting on ^^

okay *takes a deep breath* here we go:

negative
1) confusing
2) i aske you!
3) i liked chap 1 and 2 but this isn't really good
4) the ending is messed
5) is there any emotion?
6)the ending was terrible and confusing

positive
1)good beginning
2) very nice description with the sharpedo's

um, yeah, sorry to be harsh, but i know you are a good writer, i can tell from the 1st 2 chapters, but this chapter was terrible considering your amazing abilities!
3) the beginning was excellent

Try reading chapter 5, chapter 4 was poor, but chapter 5 is probably the most important and best chapter so far.

PS: Thanks for the reviews, glad to see chapter 5 was better. Believe it or not, it wasn't rushed at all! I just didn't read it through. And, yes, Bling. I do remember when I once gave you a hard time for not reading a fic through. You have a right to hold that against me! :p

PPS: The 3rd possitive thing in pisces's review was the same as the first.

pisces_beedrill
16th January 2006, 3:23 PM
Here's chapter 4, thanks for the reviews everyone, this isn't such a great chapter and contains mild name-calling which 3-year olds can't read. ;)
Oh and a very minor amount of gore. (somebody bleeds)

Chapter 4: Forest life.

The shroomishes panicked and ran around in circles. The brown bug floated towards them and they screeched.
“Bloomish, bloomish what do we do?” one of the shroomishes panicked and carried on dashing around in circles with her eyes closed.
“I don’t know ask Moony.”
“Moony?! My name’s Shroomy… Hey wait a minute; did you call me moony on purpose?” Shroomy growled at Bloomish, “Well your name is… Err… erm your name is… Moonish!” Shroomy shouted remembering how he used to joke with his friends all the time. The ghostly bug just sat there watching them all having their joke arguments.
“Waaaah he called me Moonish I’m so offended aren’t I Gloomy?”
“Are you saying I smell like a gloom?” Shroomy mumbled angrily and the bug was getting tired. A one-eyed ghost clobbered the bug on the back telling it to kill them.

Bloomish turned around and remembered the bug. Then he started running around in circles again with all the other shroomish. Shroomy pushed himself up and threw a powerful punch at the bug, his red fish shot through the bug and the bug grabbed him by the arm.

“Mummy, mummy, I want my MUMMY! Shroomy help us!” a shroomish cried and looked up only to see Shroomy grasping the bug, begging for mercy. The bug said slowly “Come with us to mount pyre, come with us to mount pyre!” and Shroomy began to scream.

Meanwhile back at Fallarbor town Phoenix was resting on a brown rock happily, Shroomy free after so long!
“Get off my mountain magma slime!” Silver growled at Phoenix and threw her off the rock. Phoenix groaned and jumped back onto mountain.
“I said get off dirt! This mountain is my family’s and you are banned from ever putting your foot on it!” Silver roared thinking of Shroomy. Phoenix walked further and further up the mountain until she reached the top.
“Oh hello I’m sorry about Silver, he’s… Well he’s been acting strange recently don’t worry I’m sure you annoyed Shroomy hastily, I’m very hasty too…” Silver’s wife said kindly whilst trying to comfort Phoenix.
“WHEEEEEE!” a small shiny aron screamed and jumped on top of Phoenix kicking her ferociously.
“Get off Mini idiot!” Phoenix shouted and threw the aron against the floor.

“Oh I am sorry that’s Silver junior, he’s impish, we’re only calling him that until we think of a better name… However I do not want you to make fun of him again! Understood?” Silver’s wife grumbled. But before Phoenix could reply Silver junior interrupted “I didn’t do that to be naughty, I did it because Daddy wanted me to! Shroomy was my friend to!” he said it cutely but he was actually very angry.

Phoenix felt something on her arm she swung round and saw Silver with a glint of red in his eyes grasping her! Silver tossed her off the mountain and she slid thumping her head many times on the way, she groaned at the bottom and felt blood oozing out of her body. Suddenly out of nowhere Sally sprang up and held her tightly.

“Don’t worry Phoenix you’ll be fine, I’ll just carry you to a pokecenter and you can recover there.” But Phoenix was losing hope. Would she survive?

“Bird… ba-ba-ba bird?” trembled a small shroomish whilst looking up at Feather’s blue body. “There are three bugs and one…”
“Go on.” Feather said curiously.
“Well one captured my pal Shroomy!” the shroomish cried as his tears dripped off his body. Feather panicked, she shot up into the air, swooped down and gripped the shroomish tightly in her claws.

“So when did you last see Shroomy? You obviously got here fast.” Feather asked the shroomish.

“I run a lot, so it took me five minutes to run all the way to fallarbor.” The shroomish replied.

“No way?! Are you a ninjask in disguise?” she joked and swooped down onto the forest floor.

“You can take the breloom but you can’t take us, you can take the breloom but you can’t take us…” five shroomishes were chanting at the ghosts, when feather angrily knocked them over using her wings. The shroomishes looked up at Feather and shivered.
“Don’t just sit there, think of Shroomy!” Feather shouted allowing the other shroomish off her back.
“Well excuse me smellow but how do you know Shroomy? I’ve known him since we were babies!” Bloomish shouted angrily.
“Humph. My name is Feather, and where do you find the guts to make fun of my species names? For you’re information my name is Feather, my owner is his owner’s girlfriend!” and after saying that she took off in pursuit of the bug.

“Not long now friend…” the ghost slowly mumbled to Shroomy.

“GET YOUR SOLID ARMS OFF HIM!” Feather roared in rage and then swooped down and kicked the bug causing it to spin away, the bug curled up and there was a huge explosion which sent Shroomy whizzing towards the grassy forest floor.

Shroomy was unconscious and Feather was hurt, Feather dived at Shroomy and Shroomy thumped her to the ground.
“Thanks… for… saving… me…” Shroomy said weakly.
“You’re not saved yet, I have to get you to a pokecenter.” Feather said and then she put her last bits of energy into flying.

She dropped Shroomy in front of Sally and then collapsed.
“Oh my gosh, you poor things. I’ve gotta take you to a pokecenter.” Sally said and grabbed them both.

At the pokecenter they saw Phoenix; she snarled at Shroomy and then went to sleep. It was night, Shroomy couldn’t sleep. He got a visitor and it wasn’t David.

“Pssst, psst, Shroomy who did this to you?” whispered a voice.
“It was some ghosts in the petalburg woods! Who are you?” Shroomy said loudly, it was as if he was better already. The room lit up making Feather and Phoenix roll over thinking it was a dream. The light was coming from a pokemon’s mouth.

“Scorchone?!” Shroomy asked hoping for a yes.
“Yes it’s me! I’ll help you!” she replied.
“Wazzup tomboy dog?” he jokily replied.
“D’you want me to help you are not? Tomboy maybe but I don’t like being called one…” she replied again.

Shroomy pushed himself onto his feet feeling a lot better; he and Scorchone went to find Latzok.

When they found him they woke him up and told him to tell Jason that Scorchone had decided to go with Shroomy and live in petalburg forest for a month or two, Latzok was a bit surprised, he said his goodbyes and levitated up creating a cloud of dust, he zoomed off at the speed of light to tell Jason but when he came back Shroomy and Scorchone were gone…

“Well this is exciting isn’t it?” Shroomy beamed happily.
Scorchone dropped her dark eyelids over her eyes and sighed, she then reopened them again.
“Yes…” She sighed again unhappily.
“What’s the matter?” asked Shroomy looking slightly less excited.
“The ghosts that’s what!” she shouted angrily staring furiously at Shroomy.
“Oh.” said Shroomy hoping it would change the subject…

A while later they arrived, and saw a big blue bird sitting in a tree. It was Feather, beside her was Phoenix. Shroomy backed up behind a tree and tried to listen to them. They were mumbling about how they’d been sent to find him. The night sky was dark and the stars were glistening down on him. The trees were dark and stared at him, as if they were saying ‘Go to sleep, go to sleep.’ then his tiredness overwhelmed him and he hit the ground in deep slumber.

When he woke up he got a surprise, a shroomish was looking right at him.
“Hey there Shroomy!” it said. Shroomy stared confusedly at it, put his red hands against the floor lifted himself onto his feet.
“No, don’t tell me your Bloomsih, anything but Bloomish this early in the morning!” he complained waiting for a nasty comment to flare out of the shromish’s mouth.
“Haha,” it laughed “No I’m not Bloomish, it’s me, Suut! Bloomish, and the rest of the gang got captured by a group of ghosts, oh and so did a bird, a dog and a fire thingy!”
Shroomy gasped and grabbed Suut, he held him against his body and then took off through the woods. Suut looked behind him and noticed how fast Shroomy was running, he was a bit scared so he looked down upon the green spots that were on his body and imagined that they were mini faces trying to cheer him up. Then he felt a huge vibration as Shroomy skidded to a stop. Shroomy dropped Suut onto the floor and his eyes widened in fear. Suut looked up at Shroomy’s scared face and then stared in the direction Shroomy was. Suut eyes then burst open as well. In front of them was the whole gang tied up and in front of the gang were about fifty blazikin staring ferociously at them. They clenched their fists and looked ready to kill, and behind them a group of ghosts were smiling in a satisfied way!
__________________________________

Is it okay? I admit that it was a bit odd, but that's what I'm working on. :)

Review away people!
wtf!! lemme be blunt. thisis not a t.v. show, it is a fic, here goes it:

negative
1) it is not a show!
2) it sucks{no description at all!}
3) horrific grammer errors
4) you cannot feel the rage/anger!
5) are you trying to write a comedy? well it isn't working!
6)
he got a surprise i don't feel any surprise!
7) write vividly, so emotions may be felt.

positive
nothing i can think of


this is the very 1st time i have nothing positive to say about a chapter! nothing! i truley hope chapter 5is good. i cannot stand this rubbish! 1&2 were good. 3 was semi-good but still encouraging. 4is complete rubbish


sorry i am being so frank but i tell the truth,i know ur a good author, use you skills well! oh and blingin g, saying aron has to have A is like saying cat has to have C. itis not true. aron is the name of the species

Jetx
16th January 2006, 9:15 PM
wtf!! lemme be blunt. thisis not a t.v. show, it is a fic, here goes it:

negative
1) it is not a show!
2) it sucks{no description at all!}
3) horrific grammer errors
4) you cannot feel the rage/anger!
5) are you trying to write a comedy? well it isn't working!
6) i don't feel any surprise!
7) write vividly, so emotions may be felt.

positive
nothing i can think of


this is the very 1st time i have nothing positive to say about a chapter! nothing! i truley hope chapter 5is good. i cannot stand this rubbish! 1&2 were good. 3 was semi-good but still encouraging. 4is complete rubbish


sorry i am being so frank but i tell the truth,i know ur a good author, use you skills well! oh and blingin g, saying aron has to have A is like saying cat has to have C. itis not true. aron is the name of the species

We all know chapter 4 sucks. i told you to read chapter 5...

nuke
16th January 2006, 10:43 PM
Commenting on chapter 5:

Okay, I heard that this thing only just got into the plot and heard chapter 4 was utter ****. So I started at chapter 5.

Very exciting, and alot suspence. Man I love reading about pokemon being walloped between the legs! XD

Also alot of description. I like that Suut dude, he sounds cool.
Original, definately original.

On a negative note:

Not too clear, maybe reading chapter 1 first would've helped me a bit.

A few grammer mistakes as Bling mentioned.

pisces_beedrill
17th January 2006, 3:55 PM
Well, I'll start by answering some of Bling's stuff, which he blurted at me rather negatively... :(
It's a good thing I improved a lot in this chapter so that others can start reading here rather than the having to read up to this point.


But you like my other fics. XD

Every proper noun. Aron, the pokemon is not a proper noun.

How do you know that? It's just a mountain that Silver made near Sally and david's base...

Well, I definately improved in this chapter, definately.

Chapter 5: The adventure begins.

Shroomy stood still, sweating in fear. He lifted his green head revealing his face which although was covered in shade, you could see was very angry.
“Get ready to battle.” Shroomy said rashly. He was standing in the middle of petalburg woods, in front of fifty fiery beasts, blazikens.
“Ya,” called a small mushroom like creature covered in green spots. “Shroomy’ll take you out!” he tried to look threatening, but the beasts weren’t even worried about Shroomy. They turned round and laughed at Feather, Phoenix, Scorchone and the shroomish gang.
“Ssssh, shut up Suut!” snapped Shroomy looking down on the small shroomish. “You don’t make me look stronger.”

Shroomy stepped closer to the blazikens, they also tried to look strong with their scorching arms and fiery legs. But Shroomy was desperate to rescue his friends.

The blazikens turned their heads and were ready to shoot fire all over. Three of them stepped forward with their giant legs and looked down at Shroomy, they were twice his height.

The other blazikens shot their heads around as they heard a groan and a whimper. They eventually looked in front of them and saw a blaziken drop to floor holding between its legs. They looked surprised as they saw Shroomy smiling and getting ready to throw another punch. The other two blazikens that were in front of the others stepped back and looked scared but they opened their mouths and began to get ready again to shoot fire, this time at Shroomy.

Shroomy dived back towards Suut.
“Okay, Suut. I have a plan, when I say charge we both need to run at them and strike them in their weak spots!”
Suut nodded his large head and started to look angry.
“Okay, CHARGE!” Shroomy shouted. Suut slammed his stumpy legs against the floor and growled furiously at the beasts. But the blazikens began to roar with laughter and roll all over the floor. Suut stopped charging and looked around, Shroomy wasn’t with him.

“It’s not my fault if I and the others all die because the only person to have a chance of rescuing them was me.” Suut moaned rashly. The blazikens were still slamming their grey fists against the floor shaking crazily with laughter.

Even the ghosts who had sent the blazikens to capture the gang were getting tired. A long time had passed yet the blazikens still couldn’t calm down or pick themselves up. Eventually Suut turned round as he heard heavy breathing. Shroomy was back and on his back was a blue fish with a bulb like sphere hanging from his head. Shroomy fell to the floor and got back up as he was regaining his breath.
“Thanks for the ride.” The fish smiled. Shroomy puffed and mouthed ‘no problem’.
“Okay, lardy-dar, I was never abandoned!” Suut shouted angrily at shroomish.
“Sorry,” Shroomy replied with a bit of a s******. “But you look so funny when you run that I thought you could keep them entertained for a while.”
“Yeah, a real logical plan, I would never have thought of it.” Suut growled feeling betrayed.
“Well it worked didn’t it?” Shroomy s******ed looking better.
“Why the heck did you go?” Suut complained. Shroomy pointed at the blue fish emphasizing his color. Suut understood that it was a water type.
“Ah, a lanturn,” Suut smiled, and then he looked angry again as he looked at the blazikens who were now calm. “Let’s do this thing!”

The blazikens held in their laughter as Suut, Shroomy and the lanturn ran at them. They wave their arms in the air creating a barrier of fire which caused the others to skid to a halt. Shroomy smiled.
“Glint, now!” the blue fish lifted it head propelled a bomb of water at the barrier. The barrier was ripped apart and drops of water sprayed all over the blazikens. But this time, the blazikens really were ready to blast out fire. The battle had begun.

Shroomy dived against a tree and scrambled up it whilst many of the blazikens began to kick Glint. Glint groaned and blasted water at a blaziken sending it hurtling towards another. The blazikens collided and were thrown back; they both went black in the eyes and looked dead.

Glint began to whimper and was about to give up. When Shroomy dived out of the tree and kicked one in the back of its head. It instantly slammed against the floor started crying. It turned around and looked cute, but extremely weak. Shroomy was about to help it up and apologize, he felt bad about leaving it there suffering.

“NO! Shroomy don’t,” a voice called, Shroomy turned around and realized it was Feather. Feather then carried on talking, her beak began open and close and she began to try and peck open the rope she and the others were tied up on. But she couldn’t and gave up. So she tried to stop Shroomy verbally. “They’re not real, just minions created by the ghosts, they have no emotions, and their only feelings are pain, anger, humour and confidence.”

The blaziken still cried and begged Shroomy for mercy. But Shroomy kicked it in the face and its eyes went black.
“I did wonder why they none of them fancied Phoenix…” he smiled.

Shroomy swung round and saw Glint sliding against the floor, injured. Shroomy ran at the group that did it. They saw him coming and before he could strike, they all, together, kicked him airborne.

Shroomy cringed and then slammed against a tree, far away from the blazikens. His head slumped to his right and glistening red blood slithered out of his nose in the sunlight. He was too weak to do anything, but he noticed that the ghosts and some of the blazikens were gone, but where?

He picked his head up and rested against the tree-trunk. He saw something very good happening, Glint was protecting himself with a field of water and the blazikens couldn’t get through. He also saw Suut chewing at the rope that the shroomish gang were warapped in. Then it came to him.
“Suut, you genius!” he shouted. Suut looked up at Shroomy, smiled, and chewed again. Then Shroomy grasped the rope and it began to get weak where Suut’s teeth had been chewing, eventually it ripped apart and the five other shroomishes jumped away from each other and were ready for battle. Shroomy pointed at the other rope which wrapped around Feather, Phoenix and Scorchone. Scorchone howled and stretched out her long black neck, preparing herself for battle. The shroomish gang ran to the other rope and chewed on it.

“C’mon boys, lets kill these fatty-kens!” Bloomish, one of the shroomishes, smiled. The others nodded and they all began to chew.

Shroomy suddenly remembered Glint; he turned around and saw him, to weak to hold up the water any longer. He was injured and the blazikens were caving in on him. Shroomy dived at them and wrapped his arms around one of the blaziken’s long orange legs. He tugged at it and the blaziken turned around. It looked down at Shroomy and got ready to beam him with flames. But he was yet another one who got hit between the legs. Shroomy tried to take his mind off the blood on his face. He kicked and punched, he was kicked and he was punched, but he and Glint kept fighting. No matter how much pain they were in. Shroomy smiled after a long fight. He still felt strong, and he ran up to one of the blazikens ready to kick. But the blaziken was expecting it and propelled fire all over Shroomy.

Shroomy slammed backwards to the dusty floor and choked in pain. His eyes rolled round and his eyelids slipped over his eyes. He lay on the floor, he had no motivation. He was so confident, but he was beaten, by something that isn’t even real. He didn’t even want to try again, he had failed. He listened as Glint attacked, and how he groaned when he was attacked, but he just ignored it. A few times he felt kicks to his side as blazikens were checking to see whether Shroomy was dead. They thought he was.

He lay there for ages, nothing was happening, just the same old fights between Glint and the blazikens. He listened to Glint struggle, and still lay there. He felt tempted to get up when he thought of forest fires. But he didn’t…

But he sprang up as he heard growls. He twisted his head, and felt better about the burns he had, which felt like people hacking at his skin with pickaxes. He stared at the others, they were free, and the shroomish gang looked proud of themselves.

Feather swooped down and landed on Scorchone’s bone-covered back.
“Let’s win this.” She smiled.

Feather flapped her blue wings and flew around the blazikens swooping at them and pecking them ferociously. Scorchone launched herself at the blazikens and stuck her sharp, white teeth deeply into their skins. She yanked back her neck tearing skin off the blaziken. Phoenix pretended to be one of them, they told her to kick Glint. She lifted her leg and when she was about to kick she swung round and hit the other blazikens instead. The shroomish gang together sat on a branch. They bent the branch back and were catapulted at the blazikens, they held out their legs and thumped them against the long hair like substance on the back of their heads. The battle became easy, and all of the blazikens were being thrashed. Eventually the remaining ones were outnumbered, there was a horrific scream and the five last blazikens smiled and mysteriously crumbled down into grey ash on the forest floor.

Everybody was confused, but they refused to believe that something bad had happened, they chose to imagine that the blazikens had surrendered. All of them including the shroomish gang were injured and wanted to go back to David and Sally’s base. They all together marched off. But eventually the shroomishes decided to stay in the forest as they felt heat nearby. As the others approached the base the heat was growing stronger. Then they arrived.

The bases were up in flames and the area was silent, not a living creature in sight, the bridge the fisherman usually sat on was snapped. Everything was destroyed.

Feather fell to the floor sadly and the others hugged each other in fear. Shroomy couldn’t bare the suspense. He ran to the river bank and leapt across to the base. He looked inside, there were no dead bodies, but the whole place was a blur, the fire glistened and weather now seemed depressing. Shroomy felt the unbearable heat and fainted.

When he woke up he was in petalburg woods with the others and the shroomish gang. They were all still upset. Shroomy realized that they were all to sad to stay looking at the wreck so they had brought him back to the petalburg woods and told the shroomish gang.

“They’re not dead,” Shroomy said weakly. The others turned around and looked at him. “They were kidnapped.”

The others were still upset, they all stood around wondering what to do next. A smile rose up onto Shroomy’s face.
“I’ve got it!” he shouted. The others all looked up. “We need a league, a giant gang, and we’ll explore Hoenn to try to find David and the others!” there was silence and few shook their heads.
“Doesn’t surprise me that Shroomy was the one who came up with such a stupid idea.” Phoenix complained. Glint swung round slapped Phoenix in her face with his scaly blue tail.
“It’s worth a try,” he said. “Phoenix, we beat fifty blazikens back there, we’re not going to struggle to beat you, one blaziken.”
“We didn’t beat fifty blazikens back there, we beat about thirty-five.” Shroomy said.
“We did though.” One of the shroomishes said in confusion.
“No, about fifteen disappeared, like the last five did.” Shroomy replied.
“Do you think they did it?” the shroomish said.
“Maybe, but whoever did do this is gonna pay!” Feather growled.

They were about to leave, on a dangerous quest. They couldn’t turn back or they’d never see the other pokemon and trainers again. Shroomy’s adventure was really about to begin, with the Shroomy league!

Please review, all reviews appreciated.
wow, this was extremely good.

negative
none

positive
1) excellent description
2) very good plot
3) originalish
4) the emotion was actually felt
5) the battle scenes were so vivid and real
6) it was interestinfg
7) you played my fave part in stories- suspence, well done!

Jetx
17th January 2006, 3:57 PM
wow, this was extremely good.

negative
none

positive
1) excellent description
2) very good plot
3) originalish
4) the emotion was actually felt
5) the battle scenes were so vivid and real
6) it was interestinfg
7) you played my fave part in stories- suspence, well done!
AWESOME! I'll try to keep all the future chapters like this. :D

pisces_beedrill
17th January 2006, 4:00 PM
yup, if you do, i will be a very loyal reader...

Elemental Charizam
24th January 2006, 9:54 PM
Erm, yeah, I said I'd review eventually, didn't I? Eventually turned out to be a few days...

MISTAKES:
I've boldified corrections I've made, and occasionally sentences which need reworking. I've just taken a few examples of each kind of mistake, as there are hundreds in here.

Chapter 1

The morning sun shined trough the leaves of the secret base and Shroomy streched his arms and slowly made his way to the breakfast table. He noticed no one was there, no one in the beds, no one outside! Shroomy wasn't sure whether to panic but then he remembered David would never go any where without him. He sat outside hoping to see a marill float by but he didn't. He remained calm until a shadow covered the lake! Above him was the most enormous bannete you could ever see, scared Shroomy threw a small needle at it. The bannette suddenly shot about in the sky, sppiralling and shrinking as it went. Then, it went as flat as a pancake and looked as if it was doing a slow-motion body slam! Shroomy hid inside inside a wailmer doll's mouth... A few minutes later Shroomy went outside and saw the bannette lying flat on it's face on the lake looking dead. Shroomy touched it, it was made of rubber! Then Shroomy realized it was a baloon! A couple of seconds later hundreds of marills came up for air. He saw David in the distance, sobbing holding a cake in his hand saying: Happy first birthday Shroomy.
Utilise the comma! Lots of run on sentences and such here; so many I may have missed a few. Aklso, one of the sentences simply doesn't make sense in context (highlighted).


But Shroomy was way too
Should be 'too'.


Twisters surrounded the base along with many whirlpools.
Not an error per say, but as there was no description of the base being anywhere near the sea/water it was quite confusing.


"We're gonna lose this match and it'll all be your fault!" Then Shroomy fell to the floor. Whatever could he do?
The 'Then' should be capitalised as it isn't describing how the speech was spoken. Also, full-stop, and oddly phrased/run-on sentence to boot.

Chapter 2

Shroomy wasn't going to sit down and sob, he had to take action, so, he ran as fast as he could...
Here, I've inserted the commas where they should be and bolded them. Comma abuse isn't funny, guys ;_;


Then he heard talking, human talking, so Shroomy rolled towards the door and listened.
Every sentence seems to have a comma error...


"So you've arrived! But you'll soon be gone after suffering my wrath!"
Grammar mistakes galore...

Ok, I give up, there are too many. Let's see if Chapter five is any better:

Shroomy stood still, sweating in fear. He lifted his green head revealing his face which although was covered in shade, you could see was very angry.
“Get ready to battle.” Shroomy said rashly. He was standing in the middle of petalburg woods, in front of fifty fiery beasts, blazikens.
“Ya,” called a small mushroom like creature covered in green spots. “Shroomy’ll take you out!” he tried to look threatening, but the beasts weren’t even worried about Shroomy. They turned round and laughed at Feather, Phoenix, Scorchone and the shroomish gang.
“Ssssh, shut up Suut!” snapped Shroomy looking down on the small shroomish. “You don’t make me look stronger.”
New paragraoph for every new person speaking.


They wave their arms in the air creating a barrier of fire which caused the others to skid to a halt
Switching tense in the middle of a sentence is generally a bad idea.


“Let’s win this," she smiled.
You used a full-stop when you should have used a comma here.

There are other mistakes there too, but too many to bother with...

Vocabulary is basic, and the description rather flavourless, and in parts, dull. The action wasn't paticularly exciting, which is a big flaw as it seems to be the main genre of the story. Description is generally flat and colourless, with unimaginative similes and boring adjective use. And despite the scale oof the recnt battle, it felt more like a glorified scuffle on a street corner. It'd probably be more interesting if there weren't so many mistakes to drag you out of the story. Your phrasing of things is often confused and jumbled as well, which hardly improves matters. The things I might normally find funny are marred by the use of the exclamation mark, but that's a personal thing, I suppose.

Well, you do seem to have improved on the first Chapter, but you really need to learn how to type in a gramatically correct way. Once you do that, this fic will be far more readable. Good luck for the future.

Jetx
24th January 2006, 10:29 PM
Before I start, I think you should know that I have written for my toher fics, but Shroomy's adventures is generaly hard to write compared to my other two. But it is being redone...


Switching tense in the middle of a sentence is generally a bad idea.
It was meant to be 'waved'. I always write in past tence.

New paragraoph for every new person speaking.
I did, a new line for a new speaker.

Description is generally flat and colourless, with unimaginative similes and boring adjective use.
I'll remind you of my other fics again.


Apart from that your review is correct. Although it isn't a very easy fic, I'm determined to make it my main. If it fails next time, I'll make one of my other fics my main...

Elemental Charizam
24th January 2006, 10:44 PM
I did, a new line for a new speaker.
You should actually space them out, like so:


"He doesn't know how to do speech, methinks!" exclaimed a rabid Snorlax.

"I agree, oh lord master," squeaked a Rattata.
See?

Whatever your othe fics may be like (they didn't look any better to me), it doesn't change the fact that this fic has dull description. I'm not judging you by the fic, so your other works are irrelevant.

Jetx
3rd February 2006, 11:31 PM
Requesting closure. I've rewritten chapter one and am about to put it up. So this is now pointless.