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View Full Version : the sandrunner chronicles, 1, the adventure starts



Guitar dude bill
29th October 2005, 10:13 AM
rated for mostly all but maybe PG due to the mild violent content
It was night in the desert that crosses between Fallabor and Lavaridge. The darkness in the night sky was as pitch black as paper is white; like the bright, blinding stars that shine so overwhelmingly bright that it appealed to even the mud lovers. A Sandshrew was looking at the stone-hard Regirocks cave, although he didn't know it was Regirocks cave. He scratched it for hours every day, using his little claws to break it, but it never worked; he could barely even dent it, until he went to hang out with his friends. "Its bedtime" said the Sandshrew’s mother. He gave a small sigh, and walked slowly to the hole. He jumped in the hole and went to sleep.

He woke up the next morning; he felt like he did any morning; tired, hungry and looking forward to another good day in the desert. He decided to take a break from the scratching to day; he just wasn’t in the mood to, he had been scratching it for years and he hadn’t had any success. He walked up to his friends to chat like they always did, it was pretty much the only thing to do in the desert, not just the desert though; but absolutely anywhere in the wild; the wild was an extremely boring place to be. Trainers had fun to have, they could train, watch T.V., co-ordinate and race on mach bikes.

It was your average day in the desert, when suddenly the group heard a massively roaring sound, Dudududududu, an earthquake. This earthquake not went on not just in the desert, but the whole of Hoenn. He stared at the cave; there were shattered stones right in the middle. "Hurry", there was confusion with in the small group of Trapinch's and Cacneas, but they decided to hurry after him any way. The perplexed Sandshrew carrying himself towards the cave as fast as his little legs could take him. “Get in there” Sandshrew shouted. He was about to rush himself into this granite cave when something extraordinary caught his eyes. A two wheeled vehicle with pedals to get it to move the oily wheels. This bicycle was going at full speed with a rather tall, green eyed trainer riding it. The earthquake had stopped, but Sandshrew had different troubles now. This Trainer was not just happily riding his bike through the desert for the sheer pleasure of cycling; he was riding after him. Sandshrew, terrified, waved his hands in the air like crazy, dashed off.

The Trainer threw a green and white ball into the air "phanpa go" it looked like lightning; Sandshrew had never seen anything like it, it astonished him. The sand was getting into the trainers brown hair; it was also messing it up; it also made his t-shirt look brown instead of red. An elephant figure was blasted from the lightning like laser beam, the figure turned into a live small sky blue elephant. He ran even faster; although the trainer was off his mach bike.

Sandshrew made it out of the desert. He gasped, and tried to get back his breath, and then he looked around the desert. He thought the trainer was gone, so he wasn’t worried any more he decided to look a little longer to make sure. Then he saw a steel bird with the trainer he was running from, riding it, "I guess I'm on the run again" the Sandshrew complained and ran off at high speed.

While the yellow sandy rat was running, he realized more problems, figures with blue bandanas, were chasing (although not so fast) after him now. Poor little Sandshrew was nearly out of breath, he had been running an insane distance for an average day. After this desert creature had ran so much to get away from the dangers trying to capture him and enslave him, he reached a ledge, the bandana people were walking slowly up to him, arms at the ready for the grab, with hell-bent faces. Sandshrews life was frightened out if his soul. He thought he would be captured and enslaved for the rest of his entire life (not sure that it would last for an awful lot longer) when suddenly "it's over admiral." Huh, came from the bandana guys, as they were confused, they turned their heads around to look behind them; it was the trainer trying to catch Sandshrew. "Rose go!” a plant with roses on the side figure came out of the lightning from a red and white pokeball and this pokemon came out. Sandshrew shot his tiny body through the bandana guys, this made a scar on some of these criminals, and ran to the trainer, froze, and turned around, he was parallel to the Roselia, and the trainer was suprised to see the sandshrew by his side. "Hmm" the admiral grabbed his chin and stared at the sky for thoughts. "Peter!" "Yes sir?" Peter nodded "take care of this.... Meddler for me, all other grunts-" "yes sir!!" all the lower ranked bandana guys shouted sternly and lowered their heads quite low; and lifted them up again. "Oh man!" the admiral complained closing his eyes on his forehead and he lifted them "just go to sootopolis! Plan A may not work." He shouted, pointing strictly. A Pelliper flew out of a pokeball and the grunts all jumped on it. The Admiral got on a mach bike and rode to MT. Chimney.

The trainer stared at Peter. He was ready for battle alright, Rose was getting bored, she had been standing in her personal battle stance for ages, and But Sandshrew was patient to fight. He had realized that this trainer was not trying to capture him; but was trying to protect him. Sandshrew could wait for a decade to fight. Peter sent out a Wingull and a Surskit. "Let the battle begin." Sandshrew scratched the Surskit without orders, "Rose, take out the Surskit, he's already weakened by the Sandshrew, with mega drain. A Green blob appeared in front of Rose; it divided and made another green blob. The Surskit looked injured but squirted a bit of water over orders, it hurt the Sandshrew. The Wingull wipped up a wind with its wings and hurt the Sandshrew more. They are definetely worried about this Sandshrew the trainer thought. "Scratch" Sandshrew obeyed and finished off the Surskit. The Surskit span around and fainted, he was struck by the pokeball lighting back into the pokeball. Rose mega drained the Wingull. The Sandshrew jumped grabbed it by the tail and slammed on the floor causing it to get knocked out. Peter hesitated "I better runaway, Siege will be furious" "Siege?" The trainer was confused. "Admiral Siege! You know him? Don't you?" Peter was surprised "Errr! Why am I talking to the enemy?! Go! I'm off" Peter dashed off on his way to MT chimney.

The trainer took a deep breath, and exhaled. He knelt down and slowly put his hand on Sandshrews head "What's your name little fella." "Huh?" Sandshrew asked, it sounded like nothing more than a Sandshrews' cry to the trainer, "What?” The trainer scratched his head with a confused face. "Oh, silly me" the trainer laughed, with his hand on his forehead. He got out a mysterious battery-run unit in the shape of a rectangle. "Come here Sandshrew" gesturing with his hand in case Sandshrew Didn't understands, but he did understand. He walked slowly and cautiously, He still didn't know How much he could trust this trainer, the trainer got out a pokeball, "I need to scan you on the pokedex!" he threw the pokeball, it opened on Sandshrews head and sucked him in like a vortex. Sandshrew did not struggle, the trainer did expect this, he knew he already loved him, and Sandshrew knew he knew what he was doing. The trainer held the pokeball over the pokedex, "Sandshrews data has been added to the pokedex" said the pokedex in a computer voice. "My name is Alex" Explained Alex. "I will nickname you.... SANDRUNNER! That’s a great name for someone of your speed! Your little legs carried you far!”

"Anyway; we better get team Aqua" said Alex, getting his bag back on, then putting his hand to his forehead realising his mistake. "Oh, stupid me, you won't know who team aqua are will you, they are-" "I do" "you know who team aqua are, well let's go then." he rode off on his Mach bike to MT. chimney.

In the cable cart room, there was an aqua grunt guarding the cable cart with his Carvahna ready to attack. Alex tried going through but the grunt grabbed him, lifted him in the direction of the sky, and tossed him across the room. Alex landed on his back and slid. He pushed himself back to his feet and brushed the dirt of his red T-shirt and brown hear, his green eyes stared hard at the grunt (who was already in battle stance). Alex formed himself into a battle stance and threw his pokeball, Sandrunner was zapped out of the pokeball; and formed into a Sandshrew "Carvahna, bite." The Carvahna opened his jaws, but Sandrunner had already leaped across the room and so the Carvahna missed, "Huh?" the Carvahna was confused, or at least he was until he felt the jabbing pain of claws behind him, Sandrunner "Why you sneaky little." Sandrunner smiled and jumped out the way, the Carvahna groaned; and jumped at him. The two pokemon were jumping across the room slashing and biting each other. They both eventually reached a wall, Sandrunner jabbed his claws in the wall and the Carvahna bit the wall with his teeth. They both charged into each other, and then they stormed each other to the floor clutching tight to each other; rolling. Sandrunner had Carvahna pinned to the floor. As Carvahna tried to struggle free, Sandrunner jabbed his claws deep into Carvahna; and ripped through slowly for extra pain. There was an immense scream of pain from the Carvahna. Sandrunner, having come to his senses, stopped. He pulled his claws out and stepped slowly away from the Carvahna. "Come back" the Carvahna was zapped by the laser beam back into the pokeball. The Aqua grunted in anger. "I don't care if you won! You’re not getting up to MT. CHIMNEY!" Alex giggled. "But your pokemonless?, how are you gonna stop me?" The Aqua grunted again "Fine!! Go up there! Admiral Siege will be over double my power! He'll take care of you..." Just as Alex thought the grunt had finished as he was walking away the grunt snarled. "And make you regret you interfered with our plans." Alex shrugged his shoulders, zapped Sandrunner back into his pokeball, and got on the cable cart.


Alex was looking down on the view, he could see trees, the desert, caves; he could see a large section of hoenn. The cable cart arrived at MT. Chimney. “What is the situation, over.” Peter held the walkie-talkie to his ears. He put it back to his mouth. “Right I’ll send grunts to guard the entrance, over and out.” Peter surprisingly wasn’t shocked when he saw Alex; he just ran off. Peter ran like a lightning bolt to Siege. Alex followed him. Three grunts tried to stop him on the way. Alex sent out Sandrunner. The grunts sent out a Goldeen, Surskit, Barboach. Sandrunner saw no challenge. He kicked the Surskit into the air and flipped behind the Barboach and kicked it into the Goldeen and it went flying into the mountain gates. The grunts zapped their pokemon back into the pokeballs just before they fell off the mountain and then the Surskit landed on the rocks and got zapped by the pokeball as well. Alex zapped Sandrunner back into its pokeball. He ran up to see Admiral Siege in front of Peter. “PETER!” “Yes…. Admiral” Peter wept in fear. “YOU DO REALISE YOU LOST TO A CHEATING BEGINNER!?” Siege screamed Peter nodded “Anyways. You know the plan right.” Peter nodded again. “Good. The volcano will erupt and 9:00 tonight. Got it?” “Yes sir!” “Not if I can help it.” The whole 3 section (the section of team aqua that is at MT. chimney) of team aqua stared at Alex. He had his pokeball at the ready. “aaaah” said Siege softly. “The little meddler has come to interfere with our plans again; has he?” Siege walked side to side at the top of MT. Chimney; this made Alex’s face look tougher and sterner. “Do not fail me again Peter! This time I’m watching you right here.” Peter threw a pokeball, Surskit was zapped out of it. Alex zapped Sandrunner out to take care of the Surskit. “Surskit, Bubble beam” The little bug sprayed some bubbles, but Sandrunner jumped high and got his claws at the ready and struck Surskit when he reached the ground, Surskit flashed at amazing speed through Sandrunner. Things were not looking good for Sandrunner; the Surskit was charging at him from all directions. But Sandrunner was clever (although he was rash.) He span around at high speed. When the Surskit charged into him; the Surskit bounced to the mountain gates so Peter zapped it back into the pokeball. “I’ve got a little surprise for you.” Getting out a pokeball and enlarging it. “Go, Pelliper.” A pelican-like pokemon was zapped out of the pokeball. Pelliper squirted water at him; drip by drip. But Sandrunner kept dodging the drips. Sandrunner got ready and suddenly pounced at Pelliper. Sandrunner threw the pelican to the mountain gates; but the Pelliper used its wings to avoid falling off, and quickly squirted Sandrunner. Sandrunner knew that Pellipers wings were the real problem. He jumped and ripped Pellipers feathers of his wings so he couldn’t fly. After Pellipers wings were off; Sandrunner pounced at Pelliper again but Pelliper squirted him. Sandrunner was blasted all the way near the mountain, then Pelliper used his water as a jet and crashed into Sandrunner and Sandrunner fell down the mountain. Alex was devastated at the loss of Sandrunner; but he got out a pokeball and zapped Rose out of her pokeball. Rose brang up the green blob but Pelliper charged with his water jet. Rose went flying into the air; Pelliper swallowed Rose, and spat her out. Alex panicked. What would he do? This Pelliper was to strong for Wailer, Rhyha and Karmory. “Do you give up” smiled Peter. “doon’t” there was a shout in the distance. “I’m coming.” It was Sandrunner climbing up the mountain. He jumped up to the mountain, and was ready for battle. Pelliper charged at Sandrunner but Sandrunner jumped out the way and Pelliper charged into a stinging nettle. Peter had not choice but to return Pelliper. “YOU HAVE FAILED ME AGAIN!” Siege screamed “THAT DOES IT! I’m out of here!” Siege got on a mach bike and rode off down the jagged pass.

please say if this is not long enough

Jelly♥Winry
29th October 2005, 12:29 PM
It's long enough, put you ain't pressing enter when someone new talks ¬¬ So you may not get the best results from reviewers. Also, A few mistakes, Grammer and Text. for example:

and Sandshrew knew heknew
It's He Knew BTW, type in word, because I can tell you didn't. If you did, use the spell checker mor often ¬¬

Guitar dude bill
29th October 2005, 5:10 PM
where is the heknew part, i'll edit it,

Jetx
29th October 2005, 5:27 PM
This is an interesting story but there are too many spelling and grammer mistakes, try to read through before posting, I also think that the part where Alex is thrown onto the floor has alot of rushed description in it, apart from that it is very entertaining and I am looking forward to part 2...

Guitar dude bill
29th October 2005, 5:39 PM
This is an interesting story but there are too many spelling and grammer mistakes, try to read through before posting, I also think that the part where Alex is thrown onto the floor has alot of rushed description in it, apart from that it is very entertaining and I am looking forward to part 2...
i did it on word and the were very little green lines

Naesala
29th October 2005, 5:56 PM
much better some grammer mistakes but you've definetly improved.

Guitar dude bill
30th October 2005, 10:13 AM
It's long enough, put you ain't pressing enter when someone new talks ¬¬ So you may not get the best results from reviewers. Also, A few mistakes, Grammer and Text. for example:

It's He Knew BTW, type in word, because I can tell you didn't. If you did, use the spell checker mor often ¬¬
i did do some of this on word. and the heknew bit has been edited now

Jetx
30th October 2005, 10:24 AM
As I said read through it, it doesn't all make sense

Guitar dude bill
30th October 2005, 6:12 PM
This is an interesting story but there are too many spelling and grammer mistakes, try to read through before posting, I also think that the part where Alex is thrown onto the floor has alot of rushed description in it, apart from that it is very entertaining and I am looking forward to part 2...

I have edited all the fragments. And so it might make a little more sense now. there were some grammar mistakes that the the computer corrected which seems wrong

Polirick
2nd November 2005, 5:52 PM
Ermm, well i only read the 1st paragraph and instantly got bored. Hope you can make some better editing??
by Rick

Guitar dude bill
2nd November 2005, 6:08 PM
Ermm, well i only read the 1st paragraph and instantly got bored. Hope you can make some better editing??
by Rick
that's the bit of the beggining and saying what Sandshrews current life is like. I'm not trying to brag or anything. but you might, take note i said might, enjoy it a tiny bit more. no guarantee though, i'll try editing again (i already edited the last version)
P.S./EDIT
the next chapter may be up soon

Ice_Scyther
6th November 2005, 1:35 PM
OK, i'll give this fanfic a full review. Here goes....

Originality:Ok, this was kind of original, but still, Team Aqua has been used many times. Also, Alex dosen't seem to have much of a personality.
I shouldn't be talking, but give him a personality.

Description:Ok, there's some good description, but some of it was rushed. Why the heck did the sandshrew stratch at the stone?

Grammar: You missed a TON of punctuation in some parts. REMEMBER PUNCTUATION!

Other:Well, everything else seems fine. Nothing to report here.

Overall: An Espeon. ;196; (4 Stars)

Guitar dude bill
6th November 2005, 7:37 PM
okay I'll work on their personalities more. and I'll work on grammar next time
I can't change the story now. it's simply too late. but if i write another i will make it more origanal
i'm thinking about deleting this thread and if i get no objections in 2 weeks it is going to die
so say if you object

Ice_Scyther
8th November 2005, 2:12 AM
no do not give up young authorling! Continue to prosper and grow!

-I.S. ;123;

Jetx
8th November 2005, 6:45 PM
Err can't you just improve in part 2, that's what I did, and if you made a third not even I would read it, this is your second, and I thought you'd already started part 2 so there would be no point, that's the impression you gave me. I improve a bit every chapter using the reviews rather than holding them against myself...

Guitar dude bill
8th November 2005, 7:20 PM
errr jet. i haven't a clue wot you mean. and i have started chapter 2 and i am way into it already. and how can i not improve on the second part hmmm. i already have done 2 pages of part 2

Jetx
8th November 2005, 9:11 PM
I do a page every 15 mins I'm submitting part 3 of my fic tonight, and what I meant was you said you might delete this thread, so that post was telling you not to, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work that out...

Guitar dude bill
10th November 2005, 5:54 PM
Alex got on his mach bike; and chased Siege. Alex rode fast on his mach bike, but Siege was still ahead of him. Siege decided that this meddler would catch up with him soon, so he got out a pokeball, enlarged it; and threw it. “Go, Absol.” The pokeball landed on Alex; Absol was blasted out of the sky beam. Absol was making it tough for poor Alex to see where Siege was going; let alone having troubles riding the bike “Absol, use razor wind.” The Dark creature whipped up a vicious whirlwind; which made Alex go flying up to the sky. Alex was ascending until he came to a stop and was about to descend. Alex threw out a pokeball, “Karmory, go.” A Skarmory came out and Alex landed on this steel bird. Karmory flapped his steel wings; flying to the town ahead. A pokeball was rolling “oh sorry Sandrunner” Alex blasted Sandrunner out of his pokeball. “What’s your plan?” Wondered Alex “the admiral could have stayed on the stone and not have went to the town”
“Alright, so you’re suggesting we fly down to the rock and run after him up the pass?”
“Nah, you keep flying to the town; I’ll investigate” and Sandrunner Leaped right down to the pass. Alex had a worried expression on his face; he was terrified after all.
Sandrunner landed on the stone path; it was not a pleasant landing but he was in fine condition. There was a large red and green cloth right next to the point Sandrunner had landed. On the cloth was an awful lot of food, a Raichu, a Tailow, a Skitty and a female trainer. Sandrunner hoped that Alex would come pick him up soon, he also hoped that Alex either, didn’t take notice of the girl or he didn’t have crushes on beautiful humans of the opposite sex; this was because he may spend so much time chatting with the girl that Siege would have aqua’s plan up and ready for action. The stranger turned around, a smile was put on the girl’s face from Sandrunner. “Ohhhhhhh, aren’t you a cute Sandshrew, yes you are, ohhh yes you are” Sandrunner was absolutely terrified out of his life; it scared him even more when he saw the trainer get out a pokeball and enlarge it. “Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddrunnnnnnner” the shout echoed over the jagged pass. The girl looked around the pass and threw her pokeball “nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” Alex was flying on Karmory at such high speed; Karmory was really sky-diving. Alex zapped Sandrunner into his pokeball. “RETURN” A Machop was looking down at the grass, then tilted its head up and saw the pokeball. The ball banged hard on its forehead. “Oh, no, no, no, I don’t want a Machop; I want a cute little Sandshrew, oh ah well.” The girl’s eyes were drawn to the struggling pokeball; it was caught. The girl picked up the pokeball and had it scanned over the pokedex. “I’ll name you……… Dozy, after being so dozy not to notice the pokeball coming over your head” the girl chuckled. Alex got down from Karmory. “Return Karmory.” There was silence for a moment, Alex rubbed the back of his neck, “sooo, have you seen a man with a blue bandana, an aqua admin?”
“Hmmmm” the girl scratched her chin, “oh yes! An aqua admin, he led a whole aqua section into town and took over.”
“Where is he now?”
“He’s in the town, duh!”
“Yes I know that but where in the town.” The girl scratched her chin again for a bit. “Tom will know about that; the little nerd.” The girl looked down at her feet. “Well, let’s go, oh and my name is Sara alright”
“Sara? Got it!” and they ran down to lavaridge. In the shadows a tall figure that looked like an aqua with a black suit, “it looks like everything is now falling into place.”

“Tom’s in the house over there!” Sara pointed over to a house next to the pokecenter. The house was guarded by an aqua grunt; everywhere was. Lavaridge was much more quite than usual, every one was trapped in their houses; it looked more like abandoned ancient ruins than a small taken over town. Alex walked slowly up to the grunt that was guarding Tom’s place. “Excuse me, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you get out of my way.” The grunt just stared and ignored him. “Well then I guess I’ll just have to get in by force.”
“Go Wailer!” A huge ball was blasted out of the ball, half blue, half white. “Go Feebas!” an ugly fish that was even smaller than a Magikarp was blasted out of the pokeball. “Wailer use bubblebeam” the large wail spitted a load of bubbles at the Feebas. “Feebas use waterfall to block the beam.” Suddenly a large waterfall came down and Feebas deflected the beam to Wailer with the added pressure of the waterfall “Hyper beam!” Wailer blasted a powerful ray to blast the waterfall and bubble beam back at Feebas. The combination turned into a huge wave and hit Feebas which made him go flying at the speed of light to the wall and bounced straight off like it was actually bouncy, and hit the floor. The lighting struck him back into his pokeball. “Wailer return” Wailer was struck into his pokeball as well. “Horsea, go!” the grunt said. “Do it Rhyha.”
“Horsea use rain dance” the Horsea danced side to side, did a flip and tilted his head forward; it started to rain. “Rhyha, build up your strength for the next attack” the Rhyhorn got into a tough and bracing stance, his face turned stern. “Horsea water gun” the little water dragon sped across the other side of the arena and squirted a bit of water into the stone hard rhinoceros. It kept speeding in different directions squirting water; eventually Rhyha dodged the squirt but looked like he was hurt. Horsea saw his chance to take the rhino down permanently. “Horsea quick attack.” The dragon sped towards Rhyha at extremely high speed, Horsea thought the Rhyhorn was about to faint when suddenly, booom, the Rhyhorn had itself braced for the hit, and Horsea’s extreme impact on Rhyha hurt it’s head badly, it was so confused. “Rhyha, go in for the kill!” The Rhyhorn took a few steps back and leaped into the air and landed on the Horsea. After he had landed on the Horsea he took a few steps back….. And witnessed the damage to the Horsea, it had been squashed flat out. “Horsea return” and the Horsea was zapped back into the pokeball. “errr!” the grunt stepped aside and Alex went through into Tom’s house. The house mostly brown, the stairs were brown and the walls were brown. The kitchen was light brown squared. Alex and Sara went up to the computer hacking room. Sara opened the door and Alex was amazed at what he saw. The room was absolutely, 100%, filled with computer and hacking technology. On one of the computers was a blonde haired boy with glasses, he was typing with the keyboard. “Ah ha”
“What is it Tom?” asked Sara with a sigh of jealousy, a tape came out of a video-player like thing. “I managed to hack into the Lavaridge gym, and I have created a tape of a few acts from that aqua admin!” explained Tom.
“Here take a look.”
The T.V. turned on of a CCTV from the Lavaridge gym, in the leader room. “I need those hot springs to erupt out to help increase the sea.” A red haired girl was staring at Siege. “Trust me admiral, these springs will not aid you in your mission, team magma may want it more than you need it.”
“Just force the mayor to give up the hot springs!”
“I would Never!”
“THAT DOES IT!” Siege grabbed Flannery and took her down “AAAH!” Flannery screamed and the signal in the TV was cut off.
There was a silence in the group, when Sara talked “you have to go save Flannery Alex. You are her only hope.” Alex was looking at the screen. “Play it again.” He watched it again. “Wait a minute? The Lavaridge mayor was in the corner; look.” Alex pointed towards the corner of the screen. “He must have captured Flannery!” Suggested Tom
“Errrr, any help with this mission?” he had a hopeful smile on “you perhaps Sara?”
“Alex! I need to assist Tom with his hacking mission. That is what Flannery briefed me to do!” Alex hesitated for a bit; trying to think of an excuse. They stared for long at Alex until finally he said “Alright, I’ll do it!”

When Alex departed Tom’s small house he asked himself “Why is it always me?” Alex was running towards the gym on the other side of the town. When he was at the gym door it opened and there was an aqua grunt at the door when it opened. “Where’s your clearance ID?”
“Ummm, I kinda don’t” Alex was thinking for a bit when suddenly it shot straight into his mind “I mean I don’t have it with me!”
The grunt had more questions “Uniform?”
“Left that at home too” Alex was trying to use excuses as a weapon to get through this guard. The grunt kept staring, “don’t think I’m stupid, I know you’re an intruding meddler!”
“Does that mean a battle?” the grunt nodded “yup; that means a battle.”
To be continued

Jetx
10th November 2005, 10:17 PM
Well a few mistakes like 'Alex was umming for a bit' did you mean humming or going umm...umm because if you did you should have had thinking instead of umming and I'd use another physical move that horsea can learn rather than quick attack, I also think you should involve Sandrunner a little more... But I have much more possitive things to say, it could have been longer but it was better than part 1 and much more entertaining. SAVE FLANNERY!!! I must see part 3 hurry up and write it! ;D

Guitar dude bill
11th November 2005, 5:13 PM
Well a few mistakes like 'Alex was umming for a bit' did you mean humming or going umm...umm because if you did you should have had thinking instead of umming and I'd use another physical move that horsea can learn rather than quick attack, I also think you should involve Sandrunner a little more... But I have much more possitive things to say, it could have been longer but it was better than part 1 and much more entertaining. SAVE FLANNERY!!! I must see part 3 hurry up and write it! ;D
about the umm bit. it meant like ummm! okay I'll change that part and I'll start writing part 3. about involving sandrunner more it's just that i don't want people to think this is a complete copy of the series itself and i want to make it more realistic. I'm changing the link! by the way could you help me with the trainer card image on your sig

Polirick
13th November 2005, 4:28 PM
Hey I read all of chapter 1 and actually quite enjoyed it. But there were quite a few grammer mistakes. I'll proberbly pm them to ya later. When I get time i'll read chapter 2. If i were u I wouldn't close this down (If you were to that is) and keep going. K?
From Rick

Guitar dude bill
13th November 2005, 4:35 PM
alright. thanx rick. when are you gonna get that on yur sig. you know by rick. if you need help with getting a trainer card or banner. I'll help. chapter 3 may be up soon. It's quite well into it now. about grammar. don't mention it unless you post the mistakes. cause i already know i suck at it.
EDIT: chapter 3 will be up very soon!

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 12:19 PM
here is the third chapter sorry if it is rushed. and sorry for double posting but you can do that in a fan-fic and i don't care that others do that anymore here it is
“Sandrunner, this is important; so go!” Sandrunner was blasted out of the pokeball, and ready for battle. “Go Barboach.” A shrimp like figure was zapped out of the pokeball, “Barboach, use magnitude!” The ground started to shake, Barboach kept his focus by closing his eyes. When the mini earthquake was over, Barboach opened his eyes, Sandrunner wasn’t there. Sandrunner was hanging at a bar at the top of the gym entrance; Sandrunner was waiting to launch an attack on Barboach. Sandrunner had waited for long enough, so he flipped his body up the bar and released his grip of the bar, and fell with his feet at the ready. Sandrunner landed on Barboach from a very high height, the stomping land hurt Barboach very badly, Sandrunner didn’t just jump off, he bundled Barboach until it fainted, the ground shrimp swallowed; and spat out a small blob of water. The blob hit a rock at the end of town, it was no exciting or peculiar sight to see, but for some reason, Alex stared at it. Alex turned his head back to the Barboach; it had fainted. Sandrunner jumped off Barboach and sprinted straight to Alex. “Return” The Barboach was sucked into his great ball like a vortex, this grunt has a great ball was swirling in Alex’s mind. “Grrr!” the grunt whispered. The grunt said nothing else, he just stepped aside and Alex entered the gym.

The gym had very fiery patterns all over the place; some looked like dragons of flames; or dragons in flames. Grunts were guarding teleport pads to the main gym challenge room where the gym leader would be challenged for the badge. Alex decided to send out Karmory to assist Sandrunner in infiltrating what aqua was using as a hide out. “Stop” Alex nearly slid into the grunt but stopped right in front of him. “Where is your uniform?”
“I’m not a grunt, I’m an assistant to Admiral Siege, and I have an appointment with him in the gym leader room.”
“Ahhh, an appointment about the plans I guess?” Alex swallowed, and then he nodded. “Go through then.” Alex went on the teleport pad and span around in circles and disappeared, then Sandrunner dashed quickly as well to the pad and went in, last but not least Karmory went in.

The trio were sucked into the room they had not expected that the pad would lead to; the gym leaders room. The room was very smoky. It came to Alex’s highest surprise the mission would be this easy, however he didn’t know that the mission would turn out a lot harder. He looked around the room, Flannery and a rather fat person (not as fat as Es Cade though) were tied up in leather ropes and mouths covered in white gags, the fat man was wearing a smart green shirt with grey hair for extra features of his age. Alex noticed that there was nobody in the room to guard Flannery and the fat man. Seeing this he walked cautiously to the bench they were both sitting on, Alex zapped Sandrunner and Karmory back into their pokeballs as he thought this would be so easy. He continued to Flannery and took the gag of her. “Thank you” Flannery said to Alex. Alex smiled. “Be careful. Admiral Siege will be here any minute; it’s a trap.” Suddenly a Red lobster with a star on his head and vicious pincers and dark strokes at certain parts, appeared at the teleport pad. Alex span to the lobster like a lightning bolt, and threw his pokeball for a blue laser beam that blasted Sandrunner into battle. Siege followed the lobster in the teleport pad. “Why, it is most interesting to know that you got here to rescue the Lavaridge gym leader. To get past all that security is most unlikely.”
“I just went to one warp pad and got up here.” Alex explained. Siege grabbed his chin to think. “Oh yes, that hacker. Where in Hoenn could he be?” Siege grabbed his chin for more thinking. “I guess I did get some help; but I could use some more for this battle.” Alex zapped Sandrunner back into his pokeball. “Karmory, go.” The steel bird came out of the pokeball with his wings ready for a fight. “Karmory use wing attack!” The bird whipped up a little wind with its wings. “Crawdaunt use surf on the wind!” Karmory tossed the wind to Crawdaunt. Crawdaunt waited for the wind to get near, and then he raised a large wave, kept it going higher, and launched it and kept the power going. The wave hit the mini tornados, the wind turned into two miniature tsunamis. The water went every where in little squirts. The lobster was focusing all his power on the tsunamis. The Crawdaunt used up all its power on the waves, and released it. The power of the water hit Karmory, causing her to lie down on her side, but she hadn’t fainted yet, she had just enough health for a take down. Alex took notice of this, and gave it a command “Karmory use take down.” The metal bird got up and started flapping his wings and charged straight into the Crawdaunt, and then elegantly flew up and charged straight down into the Crawdaunt; head first. The Crawdaunt took heavy damage from the hit, it was pretty much of his balance, Crawdaunt fainted. Karmory fainted from the recoil hit. Both zapped their pokemon back into their balls. “Absol, go.” A white dog like pokemon with knives at each side in up and down, came out of the pokeball. “Phanpa, do your thing.” The small elephant figure Sandrunner had seen in the desert came out of the pokeball. “Phanpa, use rollout.” The sky blue elephant got into a ball and started to roll over to Absol. Siege grinned and commanded to Absol “use protect!” The dark dog brought up a mysterious force field. Phanpa kept rolling and bumped into the force field and tossed himself back to Alex and got in a fierce and determined stance. “Absol use razor wind.” The dark dog whipped up a wind. This wind worried Phanpa, but it disappeared instantly. The elephant rolled to Absol again, this time rolling even stronger than before. Absol tightened a grin. He jumped side to side and stood up on two feet (though he was very bent.) Alex had no idea what Absol’s idea was, neither did Sandrunner (watching from inside his pokeball) I have high suspicions about this stance Sandrunner thought. The though swirled around Sandrunner’s mind. Phanpa kept rolling towards Absol. When he got near the legs he rolled straight through his legs and crashed in to the red wall which was extremely hard. The wall inflicted Phanpa a real pain that drived through his body. Absol leaped side to side with a great stretch. While jumping he leaped forward to the centre of the room and turned around to face Phanpa. Phanpa was going mad. He was stumbling everywhere with no trace in his mind of where he was or where he was going. “Absol fire the wind.” The mysterious dark disaster dog sent a wind flying towards Phanpa. Phanpa snapped out of his confusion (note: he wasn’t actually battle-like confused.) Wind was rushing towards Phanpa. When this wind reached Phanpa it struck him like an iron hammer bashing his head. Phanpa let out a cry, stumbled all over the place, fell on his back side and fainted. The safari ball zapped Phanpa back into his pokeball. “I guess you are tough; Siege.” Alex said in an evil way (although Alex is not evil.) Alex removed a pokeball from his belt. “Go Wailer.” Alex threw his hands over his shoulder and entirely annihilated his grip. A huge big blue solid ball of water came out of the pokeball. Sandrunner (remember he is inside his pokeball) concentrated his eyes on the huge water ball. It was so huge that Sandrunner wasn’t even sure if it was a pokemon! “Wailer, use water pulse!” The wale blasted supersonic pulses with water into Absol. The dark dog whipped up a whirlwind when the pulse reached him. He kept it rotating and knelt forward extremely quickly. At the time he leaned forward to water rushed forward. Wailer rushed to the side and blasted another pulse towards Absol. Two sprays of water hit the dark dog. The sprays hurt Absol’s face and he tilted his head to the side but was still in good condition. “Absol use quick attack.” The dark dog jumped back like a bolt of lightning. In a moment Wailer felt a bump on his head and Absol was floating in the air. The dark dog grabbed the walls with his claws and walked a bit. Then Absol quick attacked again and quick attacked to the other side of the room. The dark dog spun around and got his claws in a position to attack. Wailer quickly got up. “Wailer use waterfall!” Wailer summoned down a load of water in the form of a waterfall and climbed up the water. Absol whipped his claws on the waterfall. The spray of water was sprayed out of the waterfall and splashed Absol’s eyes and Absol tilted his head hugely like he did earlier. Water fell on Absol as he fell onto the floor. Absol looked up and saw the huge water ball falling down the waterfall. Wailer landed on Absol. Wailer rolled to the side and went to his front. He rotated his body of mass around and saw what he did to Absol. The dark dog was squashed flat. He was zapped by the pokeball into his ball. His ball was ultra. So a green vortex tornado sucked him in. Siege got out a safari ball. He tossed it towards the ground. A dark blue bug came out of the pokeball. This bug stood on two legs with bony arms. “Heracross use mega horn.” The fighting bug got in a sturdy stance. “Use rollout.” Alex commanded. Wailer got into a ball and started rolling towards Heracross. Heracross threw himself towards Wailer. They bashed into each other causing each other to ram into the walls of each side of the room. They rammed hard into the walls. Wailer got into a second ball and started rolling again towards Heracross. The fighting bug got up dusting the dirt off his body. “Heracross use endures!” The fighting bug focused himself starting flame like spits circling him. Wailer rolled across the room and crashed hard into Heracross. Heracross flew across the room but stayed in his stance; he was immensely focused. The fighting bug landed the floor. He was nearly out of stamina (AKA hp in the video games.) Heracross got back into battle stance. He didn’t look hurt at all. In fact he looked like he just got out of the pokeball. Sandrunner could tell that this had gained Heracross a major advantage. “Heracross, Finish him off with brick break!” The fighting bug ran towards Wailer. He punched him, but kept his hand stuck to the big water ball. He punched it again. Then Wailer started rolling. Heracross had trouble keeping his grip; he was rotating his hands to keep his grip. Heracross bashed his head on Wailer. The intensity of the bash was so hard that Wailer went flying and crashed into the wall hard. The crash made an enormous hole in the room. Heracross got so dizzy from a bash that hard and fell onto his rear and fainted. The finishing head bash was much harder than the average brick break. “Let’s make this battle go double.” Grinned Siege, as they both got out two pokeballs. They both threw out two pokeballs. A poisonous plant with roses on the side and a rock rhinoceros with a rock horn came out of Alex’s pokeballs. Out of Siege’s pokeballs were a large dark tree with old hair and leaves for fingers. Also that came out of the second pokeball was a small purple bat with fangs and two thin wings and legs that the bat used for an extra four wings. The bat had a scary face. “Crobat use sludge bomb. Shiftry use nature power!”
“Rhyha use rock blast. Rose use giga drain.” Although the trainers didn’t specify the target, the pokemon were intelligent enough to know what their trainers would want them to do. The bat tossed a purple splodge of sludge towards Rhyha. It didn’t hurt much. “I assume you haven’t heard of double ineffective element hits?” Alex joked. Siege just laughed “and I assume you’ve never heard of status problems?”
“What?” Alex stared down to see that Rhyha was poisoned. “Sugar” The battle was not looking good at the moment. The poison angered Rhyha. He got so angry that he powered up a bit (note this does not happen in the game.) The rock rhinoceros summoned a large brown boulder. He held it for a little while, and then eventually hurled it towards Crobat. It hurt him horribly. Rhyha hurled another boulder towards Crobat. This boulder hurt him even more. It hit him critically. He hurled a third boulder. This boulder smacked the poison bat hard and made it fall down out of flight. It fainted. A ball zapped it. Rhyha was so sick from the poison that he went even madder and ran out of stamina and fainted. He too was zapped back into his pokeball.
The dark tree lighted up the room. Then sent a stream of flame towards Rose, The plant defended itself by summoning another green blob. She divided it again into the stream of flame. The blobs looked like they were attached to wires. It travelled through the flame. Eventually the stream hit Rose, but the giga drain hit Shiftry immediately afterwards, causing a small explosion of fire. It lighted the room blinding everything for a moment; then it snapped back to reality. The middle of the room had fires alight forming a circle with a surrounding of flames. The two pokemon were completely out of stamina. So they were zapped into their pokeballs. “I guess I win?” Alex presumed. Siege just laughed “I still have a pokemon as well.” He laughed again. “Go Sharpedo.” Siege didn’t throw it this time he just let it go. A dark shark came out of the pokeball. “Go SANDRUNNER!” Alex shouted in his disappointment that he would still have to battle. “WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?” He shouted again. “Hydro pump” Siege smiled. The dark shark started inhaling water. “Sandrunner just speed across the room dodging!” The dark shark blasted a huge amount of water towards Sandrunner. Sandrunner sped to another side of the room like lightning. The shark blasted him again. This time it hit him. “Sandrunner use slash!” The yellow rat got his claws ready and slashed his foe. It left a mark that faded quickly. “Aerial ace” Alex commanded. Sandrunner got into a ball and went up high and floated in the air for a bit. “HYDRO PUMP” Siege shouted. The shark tilted his head up and blasted Sandrunner as he was falling. Suddenly a spark of an idea came to Sandrunners mind. The yellow rat jumped up to the ceiling and waited. The shark looked up and saw Sandrunner gripping to the ceiling. The shark inhaled more water and shot it towards Sandrunner. Sandrunner smiled. He jumped out the way just before it hit him. He landed on Sharpedo’s back and slashed him. Rock ruins from the blast from the ceiling landed on Sharpedo. Sharpedo started inhaling water to blast Sandrunner. He tried to blast it out but just spat out a few small stones. Sandrunner grabbed Sharpedo by the jaw. He picked him up and started spinning. Sandrunner released the shark and it went flying. It eventually hit a wall and fainted. Siege zapped him back into his pokeball. Siege groaned “You may have won but our team will never fall!” Siege touched an alert button. The gym went red and a strange alert sound filled the gym. “Try escaping now.” Siege leaped to the teleport pad. He disappeared.

Alex rushed to Flannery and put his fingers on the ropes. Flannery got her hands out of the ropes and stared at them. She was glad that she was free from the ropes in her hands. Then Alex untied the rest of the ropes. Flannery stood up, dusting dirt of her black t-shirt and blue jeans. There was a silence for a moment. “You still need to save him!” Flannery told Alex as she pointed to the fat man. “Oh sorry” Alex apologised and walked over to the fat man. Flannery went up to Sandrunner. “Now aren’t you strong!” Alex untied the fat man. He stood up and walked to Flannery. “This boy and his pokemon saved us from a strong aqua admin.”
“Yes he did mayor Curio.” In the corner Alex was not listening and dancing. “Oh yeah I did it with no help. Go me.”
“Errrr, your pokemon beat the Sharpedo with out your commands.”
“Why do I never get any credit?” Alex lifted his hands in the air slightly bent. “Alex, it’s not over yet. We still need to escape the gym!” Flannery said. “Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Alex said with enthusiasm. Every one stepped into the teleport pad and all disappeared.

When they got out of the teleport pad they were on the top of the gym. On the construction beams it was wooden but quite strong. The grunts were on alert. They were firing water guns with their pokemon. The four were jumping to avoid it. Not jumping with much style though. Sandrunner started picking up support blocks and throwing them. “One day Sandrunner. I am going to be sick to death of you!” complained Alex. The four kept running and jumping while water destroyed the beams they were standing on. They eventually reached a teleport pad. They all went in to it. They stepped out of the gym and saw the green scenery with houses. “Where should we go?” asked Flannery.
“We should go to Tom and Sara’s place.” Alex suggested. Alex scanned the town with his eyes more a bit and saw the house. “That way” Alex said and pointed to the house. They all went to the house. They arrived back at the house. Alex went up the stairs, followed by the other two, then Sandrunner. They arrived back at the computer room. “I guess my hacking assisted you. Did it?” Tom asked.
“What hacking. Wait a minute! You mean you hacked into the teleport pads and connected it to the gym leader room?” Alex was stunned.
“Maybe I should get that gym finished before it’s used again.” Flannery said
“I’ll pay for better construction.” Said Curio, “I will also make every room smoky and small like the leader room” Curio said again. “Since aqua is finished I’ll go back to Petalburg.”
“Bye Alex. Come here if you need anything or want to see us.” Sara waved good bye and Alex went down the stairs. Alex departed the house. He got out a pokeball. “Karmory come out.” The steel bird was zapped out of the pokeball. “Fly us back to Petalburg.” Alex got on Karmory. “Sandrunner return” Sandrunner was zapped back into the pokeball. Karmory flapped his wings and left itself of the air and flew to Petalburg.
so what do you think

Jetx
20th November 2005, 12:46 PM
Okay I'll start negative... I would get rid of those notes, there are to much of them, also saying things like 'return!' sounds like the move return... Now for the possitive! Very entertaining, I really liked this chapter, kinda long though... I think there are a few to many battles in this fic however you make them interesting, barely any grammer mistakes you'll be pleased to hear... So yes I really liked this chapter well done!

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 7:52 PM
alright I'll get rid of those notes. About length. I was only going to do three pages but if i did that many it would end at a bad point. I'm so glad you didn't think it was finished cause i was worried that a mod would move it to completed fics in error. and i'm glad to hear that there aren't very much grammar mistakes this time. oh and about battles. i tried to reduce the amount of battles by tom hacking into the teleport pad. otherwise it would be a ton of battles. thanx for the review

pisces_beedrill
25th November 2005, 11:40 AM
just commenting on this part.

It was night in the desert that crosses between Fallabor and Lavaridge. The darkness in the night sky was as pitch black as paper is white; like the bright, blinding stars that shine so overwhelmingly bright that it appealed to even the mud lovers. A Sandshrew was looking at the stone-hard Regirocks cave, although he didn't know it was Regirocks cave. He scratched it for hours every day, using his little claws to break it, but it never worked; he could barely even dent it, until he went to hang out with his friends. "Its bedtime" said the Sandshrew’s mother. He gave a small sigh, and walked slowly to the hole. He jumped in the hole and went to sleep.

He woke up the next morning; he felt like he did any morning; tired, hungry and looking forward to another good day in the desert. He decided to take a break from the scratching to day; he just wasn’t in the mood to, he had been scratching it for years and he hadn’t had any success. He walked up to his friends to chat like they always did, it was pretty much the only thing to do in the desert, not just the desert though; but absolutely anywhere in the wild; the wild was an extremely boring place to be. Trainers had fun to have, they could train, watch T.V., co-ordinate and race on mach bikes.

It was your average day in the desert, when suddenly the group heard a massively roaring sound, Dudududududu, an earthquake. This earthquake not went on not just in the desert, but the whole of Hoenn. He stared at the cave; there were shattered stones right in the middle. "Hurry", there was confusion with in the small group of Trapinch's and Cacneas, but they decided to hurry after him any way. The perplexed Sandshrew carrying himself towards the cave as fast as his little legs could take him. “Get in there” Sandshrew shouted. He was about to rush himself into this granite cave when something extraordinary caught his eyes. A two wheeled vehicle with pedals to get it to move the oily wheels. This bicycle was going at full speed with a rather tall, green eyed trainer riding it. The earthquake had stopped, but Sandshrew had different troubles now. This Trainer was not just happily riding his bike through the desert for the sheer pleasure of cycling; he was riding after him. Sandshrew, terrified, waved his hands in the air like crazy, dashed off.

The Trainer threw a green and white ball into the air "phanpa go" it looked like lightning; Sandshrew had never seen anything like it, it astonished him. The sand was getting into the trainers brown hair; it was also messing it up; it also made his t-shirt look brown instead of red. An elephant figure was blasted from the lightning like laser beam, the figure turned into a live small sky blue elephant. He ran even faster; although the trainer was off his mach bike.

Sandshrew made it out of the desert. He gasped, and tried to get back his breath, and then he looked around the desert. He thought the trainer was gone, so he wasn’t worried any more he decided to look a little longer to make sure. Then he saw a steel bird with the trainer he was running from, riding it, "I guess I'm on the run again" the Sandshrew complained and ran off at high speed.

While the yellow sandy rat was running, he realized more problems, figures with blue bandanas, were chasing (although not so fast) after him now. Poor little Sandshrew was nearly out of breath, he had been running an insane distance for an average day. After this desert creature had ran so much to get away from the dangers trying to capture him and enslave him, he reached a ledge, the bandana people were walking slowly up to him, arms at the ready for the grab, with hell-bent faces. Sandshrews life was frightened out if his soul. He thought he would be captured and enslaved for the rest of his entire life (not sure that it would last for an awful lot longer) when suddenly "it's over admiral." Huh, came from the bandana guys, as they were confused, they turned their heads around to look behind them; it was the trainer trying to catch Sandshrew. "Rose go!” a plant with roses on the side figure came out of the lightning from a red and white pokeball and this pokemon came out. Sandshrew shot his tiny body through the bandana guys, this made a scar on some of these criminals, and ran to the trainer, froze, and turned around, he was parallel to the Roselia, and the trainer was suprised to see the sandshrew by his side. "Hmm" the admiral grabbed his chin and stared at the sky for thoughts. "Peter!" "Yes sir?" Peter nodded "take care of this.... Meddler for me, all other grunts-" "yes sir!!" all the lower ranked bandana guys shouted sternly and lowered their heads quite low; and lifted them up again. "Oh man!" the admiral complained closing his eyes on his forehead and he lifted them "just go to sootopolis! Plan A may not work." He shouted, pointing strictly. A Pelliper flew out of a pokeball and the grunts all jumped on it. The Admiral got on a mach bike and rode to MT. Chimney.

The trainer stared at Peter. He was ready for battle alright, Rose was getting bored, she had been standing in her personal battle stance for ages, and But Sandshrew was patient to fight. He had realized that this trainer was not trying to capture him; but was trying to protect him. Sandshrew could wait for a decade to fight. Peter sent out a Wingull and a Surskit. "Let the battle begin." Sandshrew scratched the Surskit without orders, "Rose, take out the Surskit, he's already weakened by the Sandshrew, with mega drain. A Green blob appeared in front of Rose; it divided and made another green blob. The Surskit looked injured but squirted a bit of water over orders, it hurt the Sandshrew. The Wingull wipped up a wind with its wings and hurt the Sandshrew more. They are definetely worried about this Sandshrew the trainer thought. "Scratch" Sandshrew obeyed and finished off the Surskit. The Surskit span around and fainted, he was struck by the pokeball lighting back into the pokeball. Rose mega drained the Wingull. The Sandshrew jumped grabbed it by the tail and slammed on the floor causing it to get knocked out. Peter hesitated "I better runaway, Siege will be furious" "Siege?" The trainer was confused. "Admiral Siege! You know him? Don't you?" Peter was surprised "Errr! Why am I talking to the enemy?! Go! I'm off" Peter dashed off on his way to MT chimney.

brilliant, vivid and imaginative, however, as much as your descriptions are good, tell us the real name of the pkmn, not only the nickname, brilliant work nonetheless

Guitar dude bill
25th November 2005, 4:56 PM
just commenting on this part.


brilliant, vivid and imaginative, however, as much as your descriptions are good, tell us the real name of the pkmn, not only the nickname, brilliant work nonetheless
thanks for the review. when saying say their real name Sandrunner doesn't know them. I'll try doing something like Siege laughed "that's such a pathetic phanpy."
thanks for the advice
P.S. your a great author aswell. earth flame and water are amazing

pisces_beedrill
25th November 2005, 5:36 PM
now i am commenting on this bit:
The trainer took a deep breath, and exhaled. He knelt down and slowly put his hand on Sandshrews head "What's your name little fella." "Huh?" Sandshrew asked, it sounded like nothing more than a Sandshrews' cry to the trainer, "What?” The trainer scratched his head with a confused face. "Oh, silly me" the trainer laughed, with his hand on his forehead. He got out a mysterious battery-run unit in the shape of a rectangle. "Come here Sandshrew" gesturing with his hand in case Sandshrew Didn't understands, but he did understand. He walked slowly and cautiously, He still didn't know How much he could trust this trainer, the trainer got out a pokeball, "I need to scan you on the pokedex!" he threw the pokeball, it opened on Sandshrews head and sucked him in like a vortex. Sandshrew did not struggle, the trainer did expect this, he knew he already loved him, and Sandshrew knew he knew what he was doing. The trainer held the pokeball over the pokedex, "Sandshrews data has been added to the pokedex" said the pokedex in a computer voice. "My name is Alex" Explained Alex. "I will nickname you.... SANDRUNNER! That’s a great name for someone of your speed! Your little legs carried you far!”

"Anyway; we better get team Aqua" said Alex, getting his bag back on, then putting his hand to his forehead realising his mistake. "Oh, stupid me, you won't know who team aqua are will you, they are-" "I do" "you know who team aqua are, well let's go then." he rode off on his Mach bike to MT. chimney.

In the cable cart room, there was an aqua grunt guarding the cable cart with his Carvahna ready to attack. Alex tried going through but the grunt grabbed him, lifted him in the direction of the sky, and tossed him across the room. Alex landed on his back and slid. He pushed himself back to his feet and brushed the dirt of his red T-shirt and brown hear, his green eyes stared hard at the grunt (who was already in battle stance). Alex formed himself into a battle stance and threw his pokeball, Sandrunner was zapped out of the pokeball; and formed into a Sandshrew "Carvahna, bite." The Carvahna opened his jaws, but Sandrunner had already leaped across the room and so the Carvahna missed, "Huh?" the Carvahna was confused, or at least he was until he felt the jabbing pain of claws behind him, Sandrunner "Why you sneaky little." Sandrunner smiled and jumped out the way, the Carvahna groaned; and jumped at him. The two pokemon were jumping across the room slashing and biting each other. They both eventually reached a wall, Sandrunner jabbed his claws in the wall and the Carvahna bit the wall with his teeth. They both charged into each other, and then they stormed each other to the floor clutching tight to each other; rolling. Sandrunner had Carvahna pinned to the floor. As Carvahna tried to struggle free, Sandrunner jabbed his claws deep into Carvahna; and ripped through slowly for extra pain. There was an immense scream of pain from the Carvahna. Sandrunner, having come to his senses, stopped. He pulled his claws out and stepped slowly away from the Carvahna. "Come back" the Carvahna was zapped by the laser beam back into the pokeball. The Aqua grunted in anger. "I don't care if you won! You’re not getting up to MT. CHIMNEY!" Alex giggled. "But your pokemonless?, how are you gonna stop me?" The Aqua grunted again "Fine!! Go up there! Admiral Siege will be over double my power! He'll take care of you..." Just as Alex thought the grunt had finished as he was walking away the grunt snarled. "And make you regret you interfered with our plans." Alex shrugged his shoulders, zapped Sandrunner back into his pokeball, and got on the cable cart.


Alex was looking down on the view, he could see trees, the desert, caves; he could see a large section of hoenn. The cable cart arrived at MT. Chimney. “What is the situation, over.” Peter held the walkie-talkie to his ears. He put it back to his mouth. “Right I’ll send grunts to guard the entrance, over and out.” Peter surprisingly wasn’t shocked when he saw Alex; he just ran off. Peter ran like a lightning bolt to Siege. Alex followed him. Three grunts tried to stop him on the way. Alex sent out Sandrunner. The grunts sent out a Goldeen, Surskit, Barboach. Sandrunner saw no challenge. He kicked the Surskit into the air and flipped behind the Barboach and kicked it into the Goldeen and it went flying into the mountain gates. The grunts zapped their pokemon back into the pokeballs just before they fell off the mountain and then the Surskit landed on the rocks and got zapped by the pokeball as well. Alex zapped Sandrunner back into its pokeball. He ran up to see Admiral Siege in front of Peter. “PETER!” “Yes…. Admiral” Peter wept in fear. “YOU DO REALISE YOU LOST TO A CHEATING BEGINNER!?” Siege screamed Peter nodded “Anyways. You know the plan right.” Peter nodded again. “Good. The volcano will erupt and 9:00 tonight. Got it?” “Yes sir!” “Not if I can help it.” The whole 3 section (the section of team aqua that is at MT. chimney) of team aqua stared at Alex. He had his pokeball at the ready. “aaaah” said Siege softly. “The little meddler has come to interfere with our plans again; has he?” Siege walked side to side at the top of MT. Chimney; this made Alex’s face look tougher and sterner. “Do not fail me again Peter! This time I’m watching you right here.” Peter threw a pokeball, Surskit was zapped out of it. Alex zapped Sandrunner out to take care of the Surskit. “Surskit, Bubble beam” The little bug sprayed some bubbles, but Sandrunner jumped high and got his claws at the ready and struck Surskit when he reached the ground, Surskit flashed at amazing speed through Sandrunner. Things were not looking good for Sandrunner; the Surskit was charging at him from all directions. But Sandrunner was clever (although he was rash.) He span around at high speed. When the Surskit charged into him; the Surskit bounced to the mountain gates so Peter zapped it back into the pokeball. “I’ve got a little surprise for you.” Getting out a pokeball and enlarging it. “Go, Pelliper.” A pelican-like pokemon was zapped out of the pokeball. Pelliper squirted water at him; drip by drip. But Sandrunner kept dodging the drips. Sandrunner got ready and suddenly pounced at Pelliper. Sandrunner threw the pelican to the mountain gates; but the Pelliper used its wings to avoid falling off, and quickly squirted Sandrunner. Sandrunner knew that Pellipers wings were the real problem. He jumped and ripped Pellipers feathers of his wings so he couldn’t fly. After Pellipers wings were off; Sandrunner pounced at Pelliper again but Pelliper squirted him. Sandrunner was blasted all the way near the mountain, then Pelliper used his water as a jet and crashed into Sandrunner and Sandrunner fell down the mountain. Alex was devastated at the loss of Sandrunner; but he got out a pokeball and zapped Rose out of her pokeball. Rose brang up the green blob but Pelliper charged with his water jet. Rose went flying into the air; Pelliper swallowed Rose, and spat her out. Alex panicked. What would he do? This Pelliper was to strong for Wailer, Rhyha and Karmory. “Do you give up” smiled Peter. “doon’t” there was a shout in the distance. “I’m coming.” It was Sandrunner climbing up the mountain. He jumped up to the mountain, and was ready for battle. Pelliper charged at Sandrunner but Sandrunner jumped out the way and Pelliper charged into a stinging nettle. Peter had not choice but to return Pelliper. “YOU HAVE FAILED ME AGAIN!” Siege screamed “THAT DOES IT! I’m out of here!” Siege got on a mach bike and rode off down the jagged pass

brilliant, but the battle scene isn't vivid enough. but well written, i love it. the way you show us the main character straight away, i will keep on reading

Ice_Scyther
26th November 2005, 5:09 PM
Blingin G, DON'T TELL ME TO MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN SOMEONE SPEAKS. YOU SHOULDN'T BE TALKING. I CANNOT READ IT.
That is all.

-I.S. ;212;

Guitar dude bill
26th November 2005, 5:22 PM
Blingin G, DON'T TELL ME TO MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN SOMEONE SPEAKS. YOU SHOULDN'T BE TALKING. I CANNOT READ IT.
That is all.

-I.S. ;212;
WTF. i am doing a new paragraph when someone speaks. you must be blind. one more thing ice_scyther. you should never be talking. and could you actually review. should i let you off or should i report you for SPAM. maybe not this time but next time i will. i didn't do it. but i used to. but jelly told me not to and now i don't and so i should be talking

Ice_Scyther
26th November 2005, 5:30 PM
“Sandrunner, this is important; so go!” Sandrunner was blasted out of the pokeball, and ready for battle. “Go Barboach.” A shrimp like figure was zapped out of the pokeball, “Barboach, use magnitude!” The ground started to shake, Barboach kept his focus by closing his eyes. When the mini earthquake was over, Barboach opened his eyes, Sandrunner wasn’t there. Sandrunner was hanging at a bar at the top of the gym entrance; Sandrunner was waiting to launch an attack on Barboach. Sandrunner had waited for long enough, so he flipped his body up the bar and released his grip of the bar, and fell with his feet at the ready. Sandrunner landed on Barboach from a very high height, the stomping land hurt Barboach very badly, Sandrunner didn’t just jump off, he bundled Barboach until it fainted, the ground shrimp swallowed; and spat out a small blob of water. The blob hit a rock at the end of town, it was no exciting or peculiar sight to see, but for some reason, Alex stared at it. Alex turned his head back to the Barboach; it had fainted. Sandrunner jumped off Barboach and sprinted straight to Alex. “Return” The Barboach was sucked into his great ball like a vortex, this grunt has a great ball was swirling in Alex’s mind. “Grrr!” the grunt whispered. The grunt said nothing else, he just stepped aside and Alex entered the gym.

The gym had very fiery patterns all over the place; some looked like dragons of flames; or dragons in flames. Grunts were guarding teleport pads to the main gym challenge room where the gym leader would be challenged for the badge. Alex decided to send out Karmory to assist Sandrunner in infiltrating what aqua was using as a hide out. “Stop” Alex nearly slid into the grunt but stopped right in front of him. “Where is your uniform?”
“I’m not a grunt, I’m an assistant to Admiral Siege, and I have an appointment with him in the gym leader room.”
“Ahhh, an appointment about the plans I guess?” Alex swallowed, and then he nodded. “Go through then.” Alex went on the teleport pad and span around in circles and disappeared, then Sandrunner dashed quickly as well to the pad and went in, last but not least Karmory went in.

The trio were sucked into the room they had not expected that the pad would lead to; the gym leaders room. The room was very smoky. It came to Alex’s highest surprise the mission would be this easy, however he didn’t know that the mission would turn out a lot harder. He looked around the room, Flannery and a rather fat person (not as fat as Es Cade though) were tied up in leather ropes and mouths covered in white gags, the fat man was wearing a smart green shirt with grey hair for extra features of his age. Alex noticed that there was nobody in the room to guard Flannery and the fat man. Seeing this he walked cautiously to the bench they were both sitting on, Alex zapped Sandrunner and Karmory back into their pokeballs as he thought this would be so easy. He continued to Flannery and took the gag of her. “Thank you” Flannery said to Alex. Alex smiled. “Be careful. Admiral Siege will be here any minute; it’s a trap.” Suddenly a Red lobster with a star on his head and vicious pincers and dark strokes at certain parts, appeared at the teleport pad. Alex span to the lobster like a lightning bolt, and threw his pokeball for a blue laser beam that blasted Sandrunner into battle. Siege followed the lobster in the teleport pad. “Why, it is most interesting to know that you got here to rescue the Lavaridge gym leader. To get past all that security is most unlikely.”
“I just went to one warp pad and got up here.” Alex explained. Siege grabbed his chin to think. “Oh yes, that hacker. Where in Hoenn could he be?” Siege grabbed his chin for more thinking. “I guess I did get some help; but I could use some more for this battle.” Alex zapped Sandrunner back into his pokeball. “Karmory, go.” The steel bird came out of the pokeball with his wings ready for a fight. “Karmory use wing attack!” The bird whipped up a little wind with its wings. “Crawdaunt use surf on the wind!” Karmory tossed the wind to Crawdaunt. Crawdaunt waited for the wind to get near, and then he raised a large wave, kept it going higher, and launched it and kept the power going. The wave hit the mini tornados, the wind turned into two miniature tsunamis. The water went every where in little squirts. The lobster was focusing all his power on the tsunamis. The Crawdaunt used up all its power on the waves, and released it. The power of the water hit Karmory, causing her to lie down on her side, but she hadn’t fainted yet, she had just enough health for a take down. Alex took notice of this, and gave it a command “Karmory use take down.” The metal bird got up and started flapping his wings and charged straight into the Crawdaunt, and then elegantly flew up and charged straight down into the Crawdaunt; head first. The Crawdaunt took heavy damage from the hit, it was pretty much of his balance, Crawdaunt fainted. Karmory fainted from the recoil hit. Both zapped their pokemon back into their balls. “Absol, go.” A white dog like pokemon with knives at each side in up and down, came out of the pokeball. “Phanpa, do your thing.” The small elephant figure Sandrunner had seen in the desert came out of the pokeball. “Phanpa, use rollout.” The sky blue elephant got into a ball and started to roll over to Absol. Siege grinned and commanded to Absol “use protect!” The dark dog brought up a mysterious force field. Phanpa kept rolling and bumped into the force field and tossed himself back to Alex and got in a fierce and determined stance. “Absol use razor wind.” The dark dog whipped up a wind. This wind worried Phanpa, but it disappeared instantly. The elephant rolled to Absol again, this time rolling even stronger than before. Absol tightened a grin. He jumped side to side and stood up on two feet (though he was very bent.) Alex had no idea what Absol’s idea was, neither did Sandrunner (watching from inside his pokeball) I have high suspicions about this stance Sandrunner thought. The though swirled around Sandrunner’s mind. Phanpa kept rolling towards Absol. When he got near the legs he rolled straight through his legs and crashed in to the red wall which was extremely hard. The wall inflicted Phanpa a real pain that drived through his body. Absol leaped side to side with a great stretch. While jumping he leaped forward to the centre of the room and turned around to face Phanpa. Phanpa was going mad. He was stumbling everywhere with no trace in his mind of where he was or where he was going. “Absol fire the wind.” The mysterious dark disaster dog sent a wind flying towards Phanpa. Phanpa snapped out of his confusion (note: he wasn’t actually battle-like confused.) Wind was rushing towards Phanpa. When this wind reached Phanpa it struck him like an iron hammer bashing his head. Phanpa let out a cry, stumbled all over the place, fell on his back side and fainted. The safari ball zapped Phanpa back into his pokeball. “I guess you are tough; Siege.” Alex said in an evil way (although Alex is not evil.) Alex removed a pokeball from his belt. “Go Wailer.” Alex threw his hands over his shoulder and entirely annihilated his grip. A huge big blue solid ball of water came out of the pokeball. Sandrunner (remember he is inside his pokeball) concentrated his eyes on the huge water ball. It was so huge that Sandrunner wasn’t even sure if it was a pokemon! “Wailer, use water pulse!” The wale blasted supersonic pulses with water into Absol. The dark dog whipped up a whirlwind when the pulse reached him. He kept it rotating and knelt forward extremely quickly. At the time he leaned forward to water rushed forward. Wailer rushed to the side and blasted another pulse towards Absol. Two sprays of water hit the dark dog. The sprays hurt Absol’s face and he tilted his head to the side but was still in good condition. “Absol use quick attack.” The dark dog jumped back like a bolt of lightning. In a moment Wailer felt a bump on his head and Absol was floating in the air. The dark dog grabbed the walls with his claws and walked a bit. Then Absol quick attacked again and quick attacked to the other side of the room. The dark dog spun around and got his claws in a position to attack. Wailer quickly got up. “Wailer use waterfall!” Wailer summoned down a load of water in the form of a waterfall and climbed up the water. Absol whipped his claws on the waterfall. The spray of water was sprayed out of the waterfall and splashed Absol’s eyes and Absol tilted his head hugely like he did earlier. Water fell on Absol as he fell onto the floor. Absol looked up and saw the huge water ball falling down the waterfall. Wailer landed on Absol. Wailer rolled to the side and went to his front. He rotated his body of mass around and saw what he did to Absol. The dark dog was squashed flat. He was zapped by the pokeball into his ball. His ball was ultra. So a green vortex tornado sucked him in. Siege got out a safari ball. He tossed it towards the ground. A dark blue bug came out of the pokeball. This bug stood on two legs with bony arms. “Heracross use mega horn.” The fighting bug got in a sturdy stance. “Use rollout.” Alex commanded. Wailer got into a ball and started rolling towards Heracross. Heracross threw himself towards Wailer. They bashed into each other causing each other to ram into the walls of each side of the room. They rammed hard into the walls. Wailer got into a second ball and started rolling again towards Heracross. The fighting bug got up dusting the dirt off his body. “Heracross use endures!” The fighting bug focused himself starting flame like spits circling him. Wailer rolled across the room and crashed hard into Heracross. Heracross flew across the room but stayed in his stance; he was immensely focused. The fighting bug landed the floor. He was nearly out of stamina (AKA hp in the video games.) Heracross got back into battle stance. He didn’t look hurt at all. In fact he looked like he just got out of the pokeball. Sandrunner could tell that this had gained Heracross a major advantage. “Heracross, Finish him off with brick break!” The fighting bug ran towards Wailer. He punched him, but kept his hand stuck to the big water ball. He punched it again. Then Wailer started rolling. Heracross had trouble keeping his grip; he was rotating his hands to keep his grip. Heracross bashed his head on Wailer. The intensity of the bash was so hard that Wailer went flying and crashed into the wall hard. The crash made an enormous hole in the room. Heracross got so dizzy from a bash that hard and fell onto his rear and fainted. The finishing head bash was much harder than the average brick break. “Let’s make this battle go double.” Grinned Siege, as they both got out two pokeballs. They both threw out two pokeballs. A poisonous plant with roses on the side and a rock rhinoceros with a rock horn came out of Alex’s pokeballs. Out of Siege’s pokeballs were a large dark tree with old hair and leaves for fingers. Also that came out of the second pokeball was a small purple bat with fangs and two thin wings and legs that the bat used for an extra four wings. The bat had a scary face. “Crobat use sludge bomb. Shiftry use nature power!”
“Rhyha use rock blast. Rose use giga drain.” Although the trainers didn’t specify the target, the pokemon were intelligent enough to know what their trainers would want them to do. The bat tossed a purple splodge of sludge towards Rhyha. It didn’t hurt much. “I assume you haven’t heard of double ineffective element hits?” Alex joked. Siege just laughed “and I assume you’ve never heard of status problems?”
“What?” Alex stared down to see that Rhyha was poisoned. “Sugar” The battle was not looking good at the moment. The poison angered Rhyha. He got so angry that he powered up a bit (note this does not happen in the game.) The rock rhinoceros summoned a large brown boulder. He held it for a little while, and then eventually hurled it towards Crobat. It hurt him horribly. Rhyha hurled another boulder towards Crobat. This boulder hurt him even more. It hit him critically. He hurled a third boulder. This boulder smacked the poison bat hard and made it fall down out of flight. It fainted. A ball zapped it. Rhyha was so sick from the poison that he went even madder and ran out of stamina and fainted. He too was zapped back into his pokeball.
The dark tree lighted up the room. Then sent a stream of flame towards Rose, The plant defended itself by summoning another green blob. She divided it again into the stream of flame. The blobs looked like they were attached to wires. It travelled through the flame. Eventually the stream hit Rose, but the giga drain hit Shiftry immediately afterwards, causing a small explosion of fire. It lighted the room blinding everything for a moment; then it snapped back to reality. The middle of the room had fires alight forming a circle with a surrounding of flames. The two pokemon were completely out of stamina. So they were zapped into their pokeballs. “I guess I win?” Alex presumed. Siege just laughed “I still have a pokemon as well.” He laughed again. “Go Sharpedo.” Siege didn’t throw it this time he just let it go. A dark shark came out of the pokeball. “Go SANDRUNNER!” Alex shouted in his disappointment that he would still have to battle. “WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?” He shouted again. “Hydro pump” Siege smiled. The dark shark started inhaling water. “Sandrunner just speed across the room dodging!” The dark shark blasted a huge amount of water towards Sandrunner. Sandrunner sped to another side of the room like lightning. The shark blasted him again. This time it hit him. “Sandrunner use slash!” The yellow rat got his claws ready and slashed his foe. It left a mark that faded quickly. “Aerial ace” Alex commanded. Sandrunner got into a ball and went up high and floated in the air for a bit. “HYDRO PUMP” Siege shouted. The shark tilted his head up and blasted Sandrunner as he was falling. Suddenly a spark of an idea came to Sandrunners mind. The yellow rat jumped up to the ceiling and waited. The shark looked up and saw Sandrunner gripping to the ceiling. The shark inhaled more water and shot it towards Sandrunner. Sandrunner smiled. He jumped out the way just before it hit him. He landed on Sharpedo’s back and slashed him. Rock ruins from the blast from the ceiling landed on Sharpedo. Sharpedo started inhaling water to blast Sandrunner. He tried to blast it out but just spat out a few small stones. Sandrunner grabbed Sharpedo by the jaw. He picked him up and started spinning. Sandrunner released the shark and it went flying. It eventually hit a wall and fainted. Siege zapped him back into his pokeball. Siege groaned “You may have won but our team will never fall!” Siege touched an alert button. The gym went red and a strange alert sound filled the gym. “Try escaping now.” Siege leaped to the teleport pad. He disappeared.

Alex rushed to Flannery and put his fingers on the ropes. Flannery got her hands out of the ropes and stared at them. She was glad that she was free from the ropes in her hands. Then Alex untied the rest of the ropes. Flannery stood up, dusting dirt of her black t-shirt and blue jeans. There was a silence for a moment. “You still need to save him!” Flannery told Alex as she pointed to the fat man. “Oh sorry” Alex apologised and walked over to the fat man. Flannery went up to Sandrunner. “Now aren’t you strong!” Alex untied the fat man. He stood up and walked to Flannery. “This boy and his pokemon saved us from a strong aqua admin.”
“Yes he did mayor Curio.” In the corner Alex was not listening and dancing. “Oh yeah I did it with no help. Go me.”
“Errrr, your pokemon beat the Sharpedo with out your commands.”
“Why do I never get any credit?” Alex lifted his hands in the air slightly bent. “Alex, it’s not over yet. We still need to escape the gym!” Flannery said. “Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Alex said with enthusiasm. Every one stepped into the teleport pad and all disappeared.

When they got out of the teleport pad they were on the top of the gym. On the construction beams it was wooden but quite strong. The grunts were on alert. They were firing water guns with their pokemon. The four were jumping to avoid it. Not jumping with much style though. Sandrunner started picking up support blocks and throwing them. “One day Sandrunner. I am going to be sick to death of you!” complained Alex. The four kept running and jumping while water destroyed the beams they were standing on. They eventually reached a teleport pad. They all went in to it. They stepped out of the gym and saw the green scenery with houses. “Where should we go?” asked Flannery.
“We should go to Tom and Sara’s place.” Alex suggested. Alex scanned the town with his eyes more a bit and saw the house. “That way” Alex said and pointed to the house. They all went to the house. They arrived back at the house. Alex went up the stairs, followed by the other two, then Sandrunner. They arrived back at the computer room. “I guess my hacking assisted you. Did it?” Tom asked.
“What hacking. Wait a minute! You mean you hacked into the teleport pads and connected it to the gym leader room?” Alex was stunned.
“Maybe I should get that gym finished before it’s used again.” Flannery said
“I’ll pay for better construction.” Said Curio, “I will also make every room smoky and small like the leader room” Curio said again. “Since aqua is finished I’ll go back to Petalburg.”
“Bye Alex. Come here if you need anything or want to see us.” Sara waved good bye and Alex went down the stairs. Alex departed the house. He got out a pokeball. “Karmory come out.” The steel bird was zapped out of the pokeball. “Fly us back to Petalburg.” Alex got on Karmory. “Sandrunner return” Sandrunner was zapped back into the pokeball. Karmory flapped his wings and left itself of the air and flew to Petalburg.


How do you relate this to changing the paragraph. This is a jumble of words.

Fine. I'll do a real review, but you won't like it-

This fic is way to crammed and rushed. It is harder to follow then other fics.
You make way to many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Chapter 1 was good. Chapter 2 and 3 were just bad, though. I'm sorry. I just think that I should give you a very blunt review.

I used to argue with Renegade about it. But she is dam right about being blunt. I now do not care if this trash heap gets closed.

Have a nice day. :)

-I.S. ;212;

Guitar dude bill
26th November 2005, 5:45 PM
How do you relate this to changing the paragraph. This is a jumble of words.

Fine. I'll do a real review, but you won't like it-

This fic is way to crammed and rushed. It is harder to follow then other fics.
You make way to many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Chapter 1 was good. Chapter 2 and 3 were just bad, though. I'm sorry. I just think that I should give you a very blunt review.

I used to argue with Renegade about it. But she is dam right about being blunt. I now do not care if this trash heap gets closed.

Have a nice day. :)

-I.S. ;212;
*coughs*
"Hello" said alex
"hello" said flannery.
and you say I'm not saying starting a new paragraph. you can't talk anywhere. that was a completely unhelpful review. you say this is rushed. yours is way more rushed than mine. also there are no spelling mistakes and not very many grammar. you still argue. i don't card if you don't like it but that's not much over bashing. oh and rushed. it isn't rushed. you called it a trash heap. are you even still ice_scyther? you've changed. you didn't point out any grammar errors. and so your just bashing. and you don't even point out why the heck it was rushed. you once hated flamers. now your are one your self. sorry but i don't like you anymore. i don't care if you don't like it but saying things untrue. i don't like. it isn't rushed. and therr aren't very many grammar mistakes. and even the ones that aren't correct don't make it difficult to read. and so. your history ice_scyther

Ice_Scyther
26th November 2005, 6:00 PM
Yeah, act like a baby and hate me. It's true. I couldn't read it. You ought to chill out. I'm outta here.

-I.S. ;212;

Guitar dude bill
26th November 2005, 6:53 PM
Yeah, act like a baby and hate me. It's true. I couldn't read it. You ought to chill out. I'm outta here.

-I.S. ;212;
yeah sorry about that reply. but if your desperate for me to correct some of my grammar mistakes I'll do it. but what you pointed out you suffer even worse than i do. i don't care if you don't like it. but disliking it for untrue reasons. read my mates fic shroomys adventures. he sais i did barely any grammar mistakes. and he doesn't suffer badly in the grammar department. and you suffer even worse than i do. and just cause you couldn't read it. could mean your a bad reader. or your brain functions with grammar foreignly.

pisces_beedrill
30th November 2005, 11:56 AM
Alex got on his mach bike; and chased Siege. Alex rode fast on his mach bike, but Siege was still ahead of him. Siege decided that this meddler would catch up with him soon, so he got out a pokeball, enlarged it; and threw it. “Go, Absol.” The pokeball landed on Alex; Absol was blasted out of the sky beam. Absol was making it tough for poor Alex to see where Siege was going; let alone having troubles riding the bike “Absol, use razor wind.” The Dark creature whipped up a vicious whirlwind; which made Alex go flying up to the sky. Alex was ascending until he came to a stop and was about to descend. Alex threw out a pokeball, “Karmory, go.” A Skarmory came out and Alex landed on this steel bird. Karmory flapped his steel wings; flying to the town ahead. A pokeball was rolling “oh sorry Sandrunner” Alex blasted Sandrunner out of his pokeball. “What’s your plan?” Wondered Alex “the admiral could have stayed on the stone and not have went to the town”
“Alright, so you’re suggesting we fly down to the rock and run after him up the pass?”
“Nah, you keep flying to the town; I’ll investigate” and Sandrunner Leaped right down to the pass. Alex had a worried expression on his face; he was terrified after all.
Sandrunner landed on the stone path; it was not a pleasant landing but he was in fine condition. There was a large red and green cloth right next to the point Sandrunner had landed. On the cloth was an awful lot of food, a Raichu, a Tailow, a Skitty and a female trainer. Sandrunner hoped that Alex would come pick him up soon, he also hoped that Alex either, didn’t take notice of the girl or he didn’t have crushes on beautiful humans of the opposite sex; this was because he may spend so much time chatting with the girl that Siege would have aqua’s plan up and ready for action. The stranger turned around, a smile was put on the girl’s face from Sandrunner. “Ohhhhhhh, aren’t you a cute Sandshrew, yes you are, ohhh yes you are” Sandrunner was absolutely terrified out of his life; it scared him even more when he saw the trainer get out a pokeball and enlarge it. “Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddrunnnnnnner” the shout echoed over the jagged pass. The girl looked around the pass and threw her pokeball “nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” Alex was flying on Karmory at such high speed; Karmory was really sky-diving. Alex zapped Sandrunner into his pokeball. “RETURN” A Machop was looking down at the grass, then tilted its head up and saw the pokeball. The ball banged hard on its forehead. “Oh, no, no, no, I don’t want a Machop; I want a cute little Sandshrew, oh ah well.” The girl’s eyes were drawn to the struggling pokeball; it was caught. The girl picked up the pokeball and had it scanned over the pokedex. “I’ll name you……… Dozy, after being so dozy not to notice the pokeball coming over your head” the girl chuckled. Alex got down from Karmory. “Return Karmory.” There was silence for a moment, Alex rubbed the back of his neck, “sooo, have you seen a man with a blue bandana, an aqua admin?”
“Hmmmm” the girl scratched her chin, “oh yes! An aqua admin, he led a whole aqua section into town and took over.”
“Where is he now?”
“He’s in the town, duh!”
“Yes I know that but where in the town.” The girl scratched her chin again for a bit. “Tom will know about that; the little nerd.” The girl looked down at her feet. “Well, let’s go, oh and my name is Sara alright”
“Sara? Got it!” and they ran down to lavaridge. In the shadows a tall figure that looked like an aqua with a black suit, “it looks like everything is now falling into place.”

just commenting on zat part. brilliant, well done. it shows even main characters have a normal life, loadsa stories don't show that. well done!

p.s. i am thinking of making earth, flame and water, the pkmn version, good idea?

Guitar dude bill
3rd December 2005, 2:45 PM
Earth, flame and water as a pokemon version? Sounds cool. Oh I.S. I don't mind you about that review any more. But could ya give a more helpful review. Show me a few grammar mistakes. And could you explain why it was rushed. Sorry about the paragraph thing. I was just changing the line in the middle of the a conversation. Could you give a few suggestions to improve it please. Sorry about that reply. It was a bit immature. It's actually against the rules on my site. Which we need members for badly!

Yami Ryu
3rd December 2005, 2:55 PM
god if it's not you trying to act all that in 'reviews' you do, that aren't reviews but more like little annoyances that hold nothing of importance, it's you writing eye sores.

Do you not understand the concepts of paragraphs?

This is not a paragraph
stacking like this
continually
over
and
over
and
over
with
text
does
not
a
great
fic
make
see?

Which is basically what you did. You made such an eye killer, only people less on the smart end of the spectrum that quotes the whole damn chapter, review. I don't see anyone else reviewing this. I don't see anyone but Ice Scyther trying to help you.

Hell, you probably scared the mods with this, maybe made them think your horrid abuse of the written language would kill them in their sleep if they read this, or attempted too.

Blingin G, learn to write and crit.

Xiang
3rd December 2005, 3:05 PM
*coughs*
"Hello" said alex
"hello" said flannery.
and you say I'm not saying starting a new paragraph. you can't talk anywhere. that was a completely unhelpful review. you say this is rushed. yours is way more rushed than mine. also there are no spelling mistakes and not very many grammar. you still argue. i don't card if you don't like it but that's not much over bashing. oh and rushed. it isn't rushed. you called it a trash heap. are you even still ice_scyther? you've changed. you didn't point out any grammar errors. and so your just bashing. and you don't even point out why the heck it was rushed. you once hated flamers. now your are one your self. sorry but i don't like you anymore. i don't care if you don't like it but saying things untrue. i don't like. it isn't rushed. and therr aren't very many grammar mistakes. and even the ones that aren't correct don't make it difficult to read. and so. your history ice_scyther

I believe you misunderstand the meaning of a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.

Since TAB doesn't work on the forums you double space like this:

So-and-so said something here.

Some one else replies.

So-and-so says something back. *insert event and pack loads of description* So-and-so says something else, but it is in the same paragraph because so-and-so said something else afterwards, but they are the same person.

You get it?

Guitar dude bill
4th December 2005, 10:09 AM
TY. Yeah I didn't realise that in actual books they just start new lines. But now I realise in books they can't do double spacings at all. I won't do that in future. I will use that advice in my next story. I don't want to continue this one at the moment. Might come back to it when I feel like it.