PDA

View Full Version : ~*Chosen*~ (Rated PG) (an original story idea)



Ice_Scyther
30th October 2005, 1:52 PM
Hi people! I know my current fanfic isn't the best, but this one I worked hard on. I don't mind Constructive Critiscism, but I don't like blunt reviews. Don't flame. NOTE: This is not copying the elements from Avatar, the Last Airbender, these are the original Greek Elements. so please enjoy!

11/2-Updated Chapter 1 and prolouge! Go me!

Pronunciations-Ryuzan-(RY-you-zin)
Kaisui-(kye-SUE-ee)
Chiion-(SHE-on)
Firas-(FEAR-is)
Mizuki Hikara-(me-ZOO-key he-CAR-uh)
Channeler-(CHAN-ul-er)

~*Chosen*~



Prologue (kinda)


This planet is made up of four elements-Air, Water, Earth, and Fire. Everything has its purpose in this world. There is nothing that is not made from these elements. Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know. Bose is a theory created by Einstein. It may exist, it may not. But anyway, back to the point. Every thousand years, four kids are chosen to represent each of these elements. An ‘Air Channeler’ from Ryuzan, A ‘Water Channeler’ from Kaisui, An ‘Earth Channeler’ from Chiion, and a ‘Fire Channeler’ from Firas. They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness. The Channelers can only defeat this evil together. It can never be completely destroyed, because it is made from everyone’s evil in this world. This is the story of one of these Channelers, living in the nation of Kaisui. He doesn’t yet know his destiny, to save the world from the great evil…


CHAPTER ONE: An Encounter in the Sea

Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Kaisui. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming. His father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He also had a very likeable personality. He was not just a Storm Watcher, for he was the next Water Channeler.

He headed off to the small, lake near his home. He jumped into the lake and let the cool water surround him. He floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees. Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this one. His mother had told him to gather some of these fruits for dinner today. He took out a basket and gathered the ones that were the plumpest, and placed them in. When the basket was full, he went back into the water and swam back to the shore. He ran over to his house and placed the waterfruit on the table. He then grabbed another basket and went back to the sea, but swam to a different island. This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water. He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer. He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him! Seadragons are like medium-sized wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. They have one head, but once they clamp on, they never let go. It is unknown how or why they can live in such small environments. They have a habit of hiding in they rocks, so their prey dosen’t know they are there. Mizuki struggled against the seadragon’s might, but couldn’t break free. He tried to get back up to the surface but the seadragon kept him down. He slowly started running out of oxygen. ‘I’m dying!’ he thought as he blacked out.

He awoke on a small island. He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical then beach-like. ‘Am I dead?’ Mizuki asked himself. He got up and noticed a gash in his leg where the seadragon had clamped onto him. He limped over to an odd shrine. Suddenly, he saw his land being plagued with darkness, and in the mist of it all, there were four figures channeling the for elements at the darkness. He glanced at one, who was controlling water. He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,” he said aloud. He touched the shrine and it glowed blue. “What the-“ he stammered glancing around. An old man then appeared in the shrine. “Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!” said the old man. “So…did you bring me here?” he said questionly. “Yes, for your life must stay alive!” said the man disappeared. “ Ok…I wonder what just happened? Maybe I’m dreaming…” He thought aloud. He then saw his hands glow blue. As he lifted his hand toward the ocean, a stream of water came up. “So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!” Mizuki said in shock. He was surprised. He wondered why HE was chosen, why HE had to save the world. He eventually took it in, and set off for his long journey…

Short, I know, but please review!

-I.S. ;123;

Ledian_X
30th October 2005, 2:13 PM
Wow. Just. Wow.

It's a good story so far and very descriptive. I hope there's more dialogue later. The story sort of reads like a hero beginning. But, then again I read comics. Keep up the good work on this fic. The combining of the four elements is cool and has been done before with the Fantastic Four but don't worry about power copying. All that matters is the execution. Nicely done story! I can't wait to see more!

LX

Ice_Scyther
30th October 2005, 2:14 PM
Thanks! I have fans! Whooooooooooooo!

umbreon_lover
30th October 2005, 3:32 PM
It's ok but I've seen something like it before *coughs* *Avatar*

whit19
30th October 2005, 3:40 PM
It's ok, but I wanna see a longer chapter (It's gotta be at least two pages on word.) and I think you mighta spent too much time on describin Mizuri (I mean with the weight and the fact about how his eyes change.). Most people like it betta if you describe his appearance through actions and etc.

It's ok but I've seen something like it before *coughs* *Avatar*

Honestly, nothin is original anymore... What story can you make that doesn't borrow any ideas from another story? At least the story ain't an exact copy of Avatar.

Ice_Scyther
30th October 2005, 4:15 PM
Hey! I didn't copy Avatar! They are the ORIGINAL Greek Elements! Air, water, earth, fire. It wil get more original and longer. chill please.

Ledian_X
30th October 2005, 5:05 PM
Guys, lay off Ice Scyther would ya? His fic uses the four basic elements of Earth, Fire, Wind and Water. Those are anicent and there's no problem using it if someone else is doing it. It's all in the execution. Similarly, Earth, Fire Wind and Water are used to describe the Fantastic Four and they've been going strong since 1961.

Anyway, let him tell the rest of the story. Anyway, listen to what whit and I said, Scyther. Just go for longer chapters and such. You should be all right.

LX

Yami Ryu
31st October 2005, 6:13 AM
I don't mind Constructive Critiscism, but I don't like blunt reviews. Don't flame.

So basically you're going for the people that really don't critisize :x

Okay. Overall ... it does seem like an Avatar rip off, even with what you claim, it's still too much like Avatar; the last Air Bender plotwise. Were you maybe unknowingly inspired and are ashamed to admit it? It's not wrong to be inspired to write something because something inspired a plot for it. But mass claiming your story doesn't take from it, well, leads people to think you did take from the series.

First Paragraph; Why dod you think you must describe the person in one place, and then act like you don't need to describe him after that? This kinda leads to your problem, that you still have, and seem unable to get over. OF DESCRIBING STUFF. Your story would be better if you explained stuff.

Like the dragon.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE. Is it BIG. IS IT SMALL. DOES IT HAVE THREE HEADS, FIVE, OR ONE?

This is the problem it seems I think you'll forever have, and with people like LX reviewing, which don't seem able to tell constructive criting from patting on the back reviewing to keep the author going, you aren't going to get better Ice Scyther.

But eh, you won't listen to me. You'll just say I'm a flamer. And yada yada yada. And what, ignore me if you haven't already?

Oh and I find it funny, that you claim my prologue was too short, when this chapter, or the mockery you call a chapter, is rushed, short, not descriptive and overall bad.

Oh, and also, don't ignore me. Why? Because when you ignore someone trying to help you get better, you only come off as an arrogant *** that will always stay in stagnant water. Meaning if you ignore the people that try to help you, you won't get very far in writing.

Saffire Persian
1st November 2005, 12:04 AM
Intruding on this little war, I agree with everything Renegade is pointing out. You should be happy that he actually TOOK the time to read your story.. Although, it now occurs to me it's short enough for someone not even interested in the thing to read. Generally, and I mean 99.9 % of the time, Prologues are more then a dang paragraph. You happen to be that miniscule 1%, and there's a reason the minority is so low.

However, perhaps you could have made up for it by making the first chapter a bit longer, but it as, what? Three paragraphs long? Now, while the combined prologue and first chapter would've made a fair prologue length wise, alone, they don't make a minimum length chapter. But it is more then a page, I'll give you that. Now, I'm going to go over this, so maybe you'll realize that it's not only Renegade's opinion.





Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know.

Care to enlighten us who Bose is? And why he/it whatever does not fall under the element catagory?


They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness.

Okay.. So they confront it? Obviously they have to defeat it some way or another.. so WHY the heck does it keep coming back? Explain why, for us people who do not know what's going on in the plot...

Now, after that Paragraph.. I move onto the first chapter.




Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Mizuri. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming.

This is pure, straight out description of a character. Generally, you do not want to do that. You need to weave elements into it, so it doesn't sound so... Bland. Use some actions that bring us to this present time.. and personally, I do not think we need to know Mizuki's weight.... unless it had something to do with the story that is of grave importance. It's one of those things that people really don't care about.


s father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He had a very likeable personality, but he was not just a Storm Watcher, he was the next Water Channeler.

I'm sorry.. but I'm confused. What does personality have to do with being a Storm watcher? He has a likable personality, but he was not a storm watcher... How the heck does that correlate to anything? Does having a likable personalty make a person a Storm Watcher? Somehow I don't think so. But if it is, explain WHY. Answer our questions, we don't know about your world you made up; don't expect us to.



He headed off to the small, blue lake near his home.

Aren't lakes blue? I'm not banging on the fact you use description, but people can usually infer that a LAKE is a blue color of some sort. Unless it's some odd color - like pink - I'd leave that word out.


He jumped into the lake and let the cool, blue water surround him. He back floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees.

What did I say about blue? While it's not bad to describe, you don't need it there because you describe so little. If it was something like: "Mizuki waded slowly into the lake, the sapphire water glinting in the sun's rays. Slowly, he made his way further into the lake, until his feet no longer touched the grainy surface below. He allowed the liquid to envelope him as he went onto his back, allowing himself to float aimlessly to wherever the lake willed him to."

Note that was haphazardly written, but I hope you get to the point. You could've, during his little "floation" (Which, bytheway, I find very odd that he 'floated' to the island. Why didn't he just swim?) to think to himself. You could explore his feelings, and justify him floating to the island because he wanted to think, and because the water relaxed him. That would make sense, considering he's a water-channler.

Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this


but swan to a different island.

Swam. NOt swan. Swan is a bird :).


This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water.

Okayyyy, so he's gathering fruits. Care to explain why he makes these little trips, 'cause right now, they seem a little pointless. Is he getting them for his mother? To sell them in town.. because he loves the fruits and wants to eat them himself?



He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer.

More detail!


He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him!

Forgive me, but I LAUGHED here. Loudly. He got caught by a Seadragon, which apparently inhabit a lake, and they do not seem to be friendly creatures. Mizuki's obviously been to the island before.. so.. if there were Seadragon's that could catch him, Why the HECK would he bother to swim out to the island - or for that matter, float. And that leads me to another point, why didn't they catch him while he was floating.. I mean, yeesh, would you float and swim around in a lake that has crocodiles in?

I wouldn't.

[/quote]Seadragons are like wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. [/quote]

As Renegade said, more description. Is it a fat creature? Is it bipedal, or does it use four legs.. does it even have legs at all?


‘My lungs are bursting!’ he thought as he blacked out.

...What an odd think to think as you die. XD


He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,”

I concur. That was extremely odd. First, he was blacking out to a watery doom.. now he's on this island. Whaa?



“Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!”

X.x.. How does this man know him? You said the children were chosen. Certainly not as randomly as this! You need some background as to why. In fact, I'd have him be a water-channler from the beginning, and spend the first chapter delving into Mizuki's background. We need to know this character, after all.


s
‘So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!’ Now Mizuki knew his place in the world, as he set out to say goodbye to his family to seek out the darkness….

Mizuki here doesn't seem to be human. How does he feel - scared, excited, challenged? And to think he'd automatically go to confront the darkness, and just give a little good-bye to his family. I, personally, don't see this happening. The darkness hasn't even appeared yet, or so it has seemed like. Everything seems to be peachy.. of course, you didn't give much background as to setting...

Now, I think I've pointed everything out to you, and perhaps you'll realize that Renegade isn't the only person who thinks such things about your story.

You seem affronted at what he says - true, he is harsh, but I can see why. He has commented to many of your stories, yet you make the same mistakes. He IS giving you constructive criticism, just more constructive then you'd like, apparently. But really, you could learn from it. Take his advice for what it's worth. Don't do the same mistake twice..

And no, I am not flaming. I'm giving you advice. Take it, use it, don't cast it aside. Learn from people who are more experienced in writing, be grateful. In fact, read the stories that get so much high praise. You can learn a lot by reading them. Read your favorite books, learn from them, and you'll also see where your problems lie.

Ice_Scyther
1st November 2005, 7:45 PM
Yeah, thanks for the advice Renegade and Saffire Persain, i'll work on it.

-I.S. ;123;

P.S.-Wow! A post without arguing with Renegade! Go me! *dances*

EDIT: I fixed it as well as I could!

Ice_Scyther
6th November 2005, 1:24 PM
Sorry for double posting, I wanted to get the new chapter up.

Pronunciation guide:

Ryu-(ROO)
Kataro-(KAY-TAR-oh)


CHAPTER TWO: The Search for the Other Channelers!

Mizuki said goodbye to his family and left the town that he had lived in for 14 years. He looked back on his memories he had had there over the years. He turned forward and walked toward the horizon.

As Mizuki walked down the field, he thought, ‘Wait a minute…I can’t take on the darkness by myself! I am just one Channeler! How can I find the others?’ He asked himself. “I’ll answer that.” Replied a voice. The old man once again appeared! “What the-where did you come from?” Mizuki asked in surprise. “I have my info, which humans will never know-but back to the point. There are three other Channelers, in each of the other three nations. Since the closest is the air nation, Ryuzan, I would recommend you go there first.” Replied the old man. “So…how can I find them?” “They may not know they are Channelers, so you cannot just ask, ‘Are you a Channeler?’. You will know when you encounter them.” “How? By the way, what is your name?” “My name I shall not reveal until the time is right, and I must go. May our paths cross again,” said the man, disappearing into the air. Mizuki then headed east, toward the nation of Ryuzan.

After traveling for a few days, Mizuki arrived at a sign saying ‘Welcome to Ryuzan. Please have your passport to enter.’ Mizuki took off his heavy backpack and got out his passport. He walked into a small office near the sign. It was very warm and stuffy. There were papers cluttering the red walls. It was very cramped. It had one window, but it was closed.

“Can I help you?” asked a voice. Mizuki turned around and saw an old man behind a grey, metal desk. “Yes, I need a stamp for my passport.” He replied. Mizuki held out his passport to the old man. The man took out a red stamp that said ‘RYUZAN OFFICE OF RECORDS’. He took out a green ink pad and stamped Mizuki’s passport. “You may go now,” said the man. Mizuki left the office, and felt the nice, cool breeze outside cover and surround him. He took a deep breath and headed to a large, clay gate. He stopped in front of a large man with green armour. “Passport?” he asked in a gruff voice. Mizuki held out his passport. The man checked it and opened the gate. Mizuki walked into the large capital city of Ryuzan, Kataro.


Mizuki looked around at the large, bustling city. There must have been thousands of people in the marketplace. The tallest buildings seemed to scrape the sky. The marketplace was filled with people selling everything from beautiful sand art glasses from Chiion, and genuine volcano rocks from Firas. Mizuki walked over to a stand selling ‘plump’ waterfruits from Kaisui. “These waterfruits aren’t plump!” said Mizuki, looking at the sad selection. “And so what is plump?” replied the merchant in a snobby voice. Mizuki reached for his pack, pulling out a very large waterfruit. “OK boy, you are starting to aggravate me!” the man said, pulling out a butcher’s knife. Kaisui noticed a well nearby. He focused his energy into his hand as it glowed. He streamed the water into a ball and launched it at the man. “What the heck!?!?” shouted the man in shock as he was hit. He fell onto the hard, grey pavement and used a few words I will not repeat because this is rated PG. People turned and saw Mizuki’s glowing hands. “Th-the next Water Channeler? But it’s a second until-whoops, now it’s not.” Said an observer. “No-oh crud…” said Mizuki, pulling up his hood. He dashed through the marketplace, dodging looks as he went. “Over here!” said a voice. Mizuki turned and headed into the alley where the voice came from. No one noticed where he had gone. A young boy, about 12 came out of the shadows.

He was about four and a half feet tall, dressed in green rags. He had dirty blonde hair, and blue eyes. Mizuki then felt something odd. ‘You will know…this must be the Air Channeler!’ thought Mizuki. “I’m Ryu,” said the boy. “What’s your name?” “Mizuki, from Kaisui,” replied Mizuki. “So how’d you do that?” “Do what?” “Pretend to control water,” “Er…well…I wasn’t really pretending…” Ryu then burst with laughter. “Not pretending!!! Ha! Next you’re gonna tell me you’re the next Water Channeler. “I was, but now you seem to know.” Ryu’s laughter immediately ceased. “You’re kidding, right?” “Nope,” replied Mizuki. “Really?” Yes! I’m serious!” “Riiiiiiiight,” “I told you I am!” “Ok, then show me some channeling.” “Fine.” Replied Mizuki, lifting up his hand. He once again pointed it toward the well. It glowed blue and he focused the water into a ball and threw it into a wall. Ryu looked in awe. “Ok…so you ARE the Water Channeler.” “Told ya so,” Mizuki said,” “Ok, then follow me!” laughed Ryu, running down the alley. “I’m coming!” said Mizuki, chasing after him.

Ryu led him to an abandoned shack. The shack was black with decay, and very run-down. Ryu opened the door and it fell off. “Whoops…” he said. They walked into the shack. There was nothing there except a pole leading into the floor. “Follow meeeeee!” shouted Ryu as he slid down. Mizuki followed and slid down. Ryu decided he would pull a 360. He spun really quickly as he flew off. He grabbed a plank from the wall and leapt onto it. He spun around upside-down and landed on a small mattress. Mizuki followed. He looked around. “Whoa,” was all he could manage.

This may, once again, be to short for your likings. Please review! :D

Guitar dude bill
6th November 2005, 7:10 PM
it was good and all. it was quite rushed though. here are the ratings
origianality: very original. apart from the 4 elements.
grammar: don't rely on me to correct grammar cause i suck at it myself
entertainment: it is quite entertaining but you can improve a bit
description: you were definetly good in description
length: too short, needs to be alot longer.
P.S.
STOP DOUBLE POSTING!
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU REALIZE
AND STOP USING THAT EXCUSE FOR
I WANT TO GET THE NEW CHAPTER UP
YOU CAN STILL EDIT YOUR LAST POST WHICH IS JUST AS EASY

Yami Ryu
6th November 2005, 10:23 PM
Blingin G; STFU and learn the right way to mini mod. If it's a chapter or new art or to keep an RP alive, you can double post. It is allowed.

Ice Scyther, your story is still suffering from what I told you in my first post, and even worse. You're rushing the damn thing, which leaves little chances for an original plot to develop, and all you're ending up with is a bad copy of Avatar; the last air bender. You should be trying to correct where you are wrong, not continually posting out bad and rushed chapters.

Ice_Scyther
8th November 2005, 1:06 AM
Ok, Renegade, I will continue to tolorate you. I will try to work on it.

Oh yeah, Blingin G, learn to crit.

Guitar dude bill
8th November 2005, 8:05 PM
Oh yeah, Blingin G, learn to crit.
does crit mean critiscize or somthin. and what da heck is "avatar" i have never heard of it. and i am just saying where you can improve. and where i say it is bad is criticising. oh and renegade. since when was their a rule that "i wanted to get the new chapter up" an excuse for double posting> sorry filterkeys is on and i don@t know how do get rid of it> and I@m just trying to stop him from either getting a warning strike or getting another fan_fic closed down again>

Yami Ryu
8th November 2005, 8:33 PM
Blingin G, use the brain god gave you, to use. If it's not spam. If it's new work, etc, etc, etc, it is alright to double post then and only then, I have seen Razor Leaf tell a user called Clare it was alright, Zephyr Flare chewed out someone doing what you're doing to I_S what they did to me, when; since no one replied to my fanart as I wasn't all perfect/an attention ***** noob, I was forced to once do 8 double posts in a row.

And also LOOK AT THE POST DATES. They are five days apart, not an hour, not two hours, not two minutes. Five days.

If you don't believe me why don't you go ask a Mod of an RPG/Fan Art/Fanfic sections.

Ice_Scyther; it's nice to know you won't call me a flamer then --; but you've ignored what I told you the first time, and I'm doubting you're going to really listen to me now. And re-reading that 'chapter', now lets me see; you're character is dangerously bordering the line between mary sue and main character.

umbreon_lover
9th November 2005, 2:30 AM
I have to agree with renegade *nods head* and to steal a bit of her advice use the brain god gave you Ice scyther and stop using names you've you used before >.< <---- brain freeze Also Kataro *replaces o with a* Katara wow go me

Guitar dude bill
9th November 2005, 5:07 PM
Sorry renegade, umbreon lover and ice_scyther. i guess it is an excuse. my friend did that and if you say that than i guees it's true. sorry you lot. and well, what does stfu mean. though i think i know though

Ice_Scyther
10th November 2005, 9:52 PM
Ok, guys stop ganging up on me. Renegade, I'll listen to you. Umbreon_Lover-Kataro is an old Japanese last name, genius. Blingin G, stfu means shut the f*** up. And crit does mean criticize.

For my actual fans, Chapter 3 will be up soon.

EDIT-the Adventures of Ryu(pronounced other way), Dragon Master was closed. therefore, I will use names from there. *spits out tongue*

umbreon_lover
11th November 2005, 12:51 AM
jeez i did not no that Kataro was like that *backs off* *leaves to poke sokia*

Guitar dude bill
11th November 2005, 4:58 PM
Ok, guys stop ganging up on me. Blingin G, stfu means shut the f*** up. And crit does not mean critiscise
about the first thing, i am not ganging up on you. i liked this story, it was just a bit too short. about the second thing, my guess was that stfu, meant s**T talk, F*** you, and what does crit mean then

Ice_Scyther
12th November 2005, 7:12 PM
sorry, typo. It does mean critisize

Guitar dude bill
13th November 2005, 1:11 PM
what did you think it meant? i can critiscise all you want. i cud go. this sucks, put way more effort in it cause i hate it. but this fic is good and i hav said a few negative things like it was too short and it was rushed. oh and renegade. read my location. i kinda lost a bit of my brain

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 8:34 PM
what did you think it meant? i can critiscise all you want. i cud go. this sucks, put way more effort in it cause i hate it. but this fic is good and i hav said a few negative things like it was too short and it was rushed. oh and Renegade. read my location. i kinda lost a bit of my brain

.. Blingin G, stfu. Seriously. You're a spammy little idiot that's going around, double speaking and even when your own post IS ABOVE YOU, YOU IGNORE WHAT YOU WROTE. Do you have a 5 minute attention span? God, stop trying to act like something you're not, and just stick to the lame reviews you've been doing, and stop trying to help people. You're just spamming --;

Guitar dude bill
14th November 2005, 6:38 PM
.. Blingin G, stfu. Seriously. You're a spammy little idiot that's going around, double speaking and even when your own post IS ABOVE YOU, YOU IGNORE WHAT YOU WROTE. Do you have a 5 minute attention span? God, stop trying to act like something you're not, and just stick to the lame reviews you've been doing, and stop trying
ing to help people. You're just spamming --;
thats because somthing happens to my computer. spamming is like saying really short messages that don't add anything to the topic. renegade STFU to you. p off alrite

Ice_Scyther
15th November 2005, 1:21 AM
Now people don't start a spam/flame war. Then I'll get closed and I'll kill. T.Y.

-I.S. ;123;

Guitar dude bill
25th November 2005, 2:11 PM
ok i re-read the chapter and here is a second review. it is very rushed. take it slow. this is way to short. you said to pisces that his fic was a bit short. yours is shorter. and also. just because you do enough description it doesn't mean it can be bad description. describe them through actions. the way you describe ryu was very rushed. and he believed mizuki was the water channeler over one channeling. be realistic. one period of channeling wouldn't immediately convince someone your a channeler. a channelers are unordinary people. say someone was a famous senior soldier in the army which mainly protects your country with a skill not many people could do. would you believe them straight away from some great shooting that quickly? and don't describe someone that quickly. the way you described ryu made it seem like he was floating in the air the way described him. that was extremely rushed description. describe them as you go along so they can keep the picture in their mind and still imagine the actions. and start a new line when someone else is speaking eg
"hi" said ryu
"hi" said misuki
"are you okay"
"yes"
"that's good to hear"
that makes it much easier to read. and hopefully the next chapter will be better
P.S. why did you say the adventures of ryu was your first fic when it was the mystery of final isle?

pisces_beedrill
25th November 2005, 2:29 PM
Prologue (kinda)


This planet is made up of four elements-Air, Water, Earth, and Fire. Everything has its purpose in this world. There is nothing that is not made from these elements. Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know. Bose is a theory created by Einstein. It may exist, it may not. But anyway, back to the point. Every thousand years, four kids are chosen to represent each of these elements. An ‘Air Channeler’ from Ryuzan, A ‘Water Channeler’ from Kaisui, An ‘Earth Channeler’ from Chiion, and a ‘Fire Channeler’ from Firas. They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness. The Channelers can only defeat this evil together. It can never be completely destroyed, because it is made from everyone’s evil in this world. This is the story of one of these Channelers, living in the nation of Kaisui. He doesn’t yet know his destiny, to save the world from the great evil…


CHAPTER ONE: An Encounter in the Sea

Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Kaisui. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming. His father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He also had a very likeable personality. He was not just a Storm Watcher, for he was the next Water Channeler.

He headed off to the small, lake near his home. He jumped into the lake and let the cool water surround him. He floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees. Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this one. His mother had told him to gather some of these fruits for dinner today. He took out a basket and gathered the ones that were the plumpest, and placed them in. When the basket was full, he went back into the water and swam back to the shore. He ran over to his house and placed the waterfruit on the table. He then grabbed another basket and went back to the sea, but swam to a different island. This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water. He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer. He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him! Seadragons are like medium-sized wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. They have one head, but once they clamp on, they never let go. It is unknown how or why they can live in such small environments. They have a habit of hiding in they rocks, so their prey dosen’t know they are there. Mizuki struggled against the seadragon’s might, but couldn’t break free. He tried to get back up to the surface but the seadragon kept him down. He slowly started running out of oxygen. ‘I’m dying!’ he thought as he blacked out.

He awoke on a small island. He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical then beach-like. ‘Am I dead?’ Mizuki asked himself. He got up and noticed a gash in his leg where the seadragon had clamped onto him. He limped over to an odd shrine. Suddenly, he saw his land being plagued with darkness, and in the mist of it all, there were four figures channeling the for elements at the darkness. He glanced at one, who was controlling water. He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,” he said aloud. He touched the shrine and it glowed blue. “What the-“ he stammered glancing around. An old man then appeared in the shrine. “Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!” said the old man. “So…did you bring me here?” he said questionly. “Yes, for your life must stay alive!” said the man disappeared. “ Ok…I wonder what just happened? Maybe I’m dreaming…” He thought aloud. He then saw his hands glow blue. As he lifted his hand toward the ocean, a stream of water came up. “So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!” Mizuki said in shock. He was surprised. He wondered why HE was chosen, why HE had to save the world. He eventually took it in, and set off for his long journey…

Short, I know, but please review!

-I.S.


absolutely beautiful. brilliant. well done. i like it alot.

Ice_Scyther
26th November 2005, 3:18 PM
blinging g-1)I'll work on it.
2)Long story.

pisces-thanks, but make a longer review next time. earth,flame, and water. It cool. :)

pisces_beedrill
27th November 2005, 2:48 PM
Prologue (kinda)


This planet is made up of four elements-Air, Water, Earth, and Fire. Everything has its purpose in this world. There is nothing that is not made from these elements. Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know. Bose is a theory created by Einstein. It may exist, it may not. But anyway, back to the point. Every thousand years, four kids are chosen to represent each of these elements. An ‘Air Channeler’ from Ryuzan, A ‘Water Channeler’ from Kaisui, An ‘Earth Channeler’ from Chiion, and a ‘Fire Channeler’ from Firas. They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness. The Channelers can only defeat this evil together. It can never be completely destroyed, because it is made from everyone’s evil in this world. This is the story of one of these Channelers, living in the nation of Kaisui. He doesn’t yet know his destiny, to save the world from the great evil…


CHAPTER ONE: An Encounter in the Sea

Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Kaisui. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming. His father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He also had a very likeable personality. He was not just a Storm Watcher, for he was the next Water Channeler.

He headed off to the small, lake near his home. He jumped into the lake and let the cool water surround him. He floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees. Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this one. His mother had told him to gather some of these fruits for dinner today. He took out a basket and gathered the ones that were the plumpest, and placed them in. When the basket was full, he went back into the water and swam back to the shore. He ran over to his house and placed the waterfruit on the table. He then grabbed another basket and went back to the sea, but swam to a different island. This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water. He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer. He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him! Seadragons are like medium-sized wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. They have one head, but once they clamp on, they never let go. It is unknown how or why they can live in such small environments. They have a habit of hiding in they rocks, so their prey dosen’t know they are there. Mizuki struggled against the seadragon’s might, but couldn’t break free. He tried to get back up to the surface but the seadragon kept him down. He slowly started running out of oxygen. ‘I’m dying!’ he thought as he blacked out.

He awoke on a small island. He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical then beach-like. ‘Am I dead?’ Mizuki asked himself. He got up and noticed a gash in his leg where the seadragon had clamped onto him. He limped over to an odd shrine. Suddenly, he saw his land being plagued with darkness, and in the mist of it all, there were four figures channeling the for elements at the darkness. He glanced at one, who was controlling water. He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,” he said aloud. He touched the shrine and it glowed blue. “What the-“ he stammered glancing around. An old man then appeared in the shrine. “Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!” said the old man. “So…did you bring me here?” he said questionly. “Yes, for your life must stay alive!” said the man disappeared. “ Ok…I wonder what just happened? Maybe I’m dreaming…” He thought aloud. He then saw his hands glow blue. As he lifted his hand toward the ocean, a stream of water came up. “So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!” Mizuki said in shock. He was surprised. He wondered why HE was chosen, why HE had to save the world. He eventually took it in, and set off for his long journey…

really good, you have created a whole new believable world, well done

Shiny_deoxys
29th November 2005, 10:57 PM
Well, here's my two cents.

First off I think it is a very clever story. I don't usually read non-fanfiction but I decided to because you read my story. The plot seems interesting even though I can't really see where it is going yet, and I do like your description of scenery.

There was only to things that really bugged me about this fic. First of all the length of the chapters. I don't know if its just me, but the chapters seem very short. Because they are so short the story to me sounds choppy and rushed. Slow down and enjoy time with your characters, don't push them faster than they want to go.

The other thing was charactorization. Again this may have just been me, but the characters just don't seem real to me. They are too quick, understand way to much for their situation, and their dialog doesn't quite fit what I feel is what it should be.

All in all, I believe this fic has some serious potential. Just develop the characters a little more. Don't be afraid to give them bad qualities. I would rather see a fatl character than a flat one. Also,(this is just a personal thing) after each line is said you should start a new paragraph. New people speaking means new paragraphs. Anyway, I'll check back again on this one and good luck.

Ice_Scyther
3rd December 2005, 3:50 PM
Thanks for the review shiny deoxys! I'm working on describing them more in the next chapter.
i have writers block! Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

-Your fics are great, shiny deoxys.

EDIT:I've been working on Chapter 3 for a long time. Her's a preview-

As Mizuki looked around the room, he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG. “Dang,” he whispered to himself. All he could see were books. There were books of all sizes and colors, thousands of titles, and a giant desk in the middle of it all.

“Wow, where did you get all these?” remarked Mizuki in awe.

“Oh, this place used to be a library. It burned down in the year 532. Most of the books survived though. No one knows why,” replied Ryu. “I’ve researched with these books everything from the Uprising of Lucigo* to the Destruction of Atlantis**. I love reading, but I had to teach myself, tho’. I’ve never seen my parents.”

“Do you know what happened to them?” asked Mizuki.

“No, no one ever told me,” replied Ryu. “I wish I knew though,”

“Hmmm…” thought Mizuki, glancing around. “What else do you have besides books?”

“Well, my bow and arrow for hunting, a small dagger, and food. I also have this weird golden case. I don’t know what’s in it, though,”

“Can I see it?”

“Sure, I don’t see the harm,”

Mizuki followed Ryu into a small, dark room. This room was wet, with water dripping from the ceiling. Mizuki could feel some energy coming from the water. He stopped and charged up on water. Who knows when the next battle would be. He eventually caught up with Ryu. Ryu stopped in front of a large door. He pulled a lever and the giant, metal door opened. In this room was a wooden cabinet with food. There was a sheathed dagger lying on a small table, with a bow and a quiver of arrows.

“So where’s this box?” Mizuki asked, looking around the musty room.

“Hold on,” replied Ryu, as he pushed on a brick. A small doorway opened, and inside was a faint, golden glow. Ryu then climbed through and grabbed an object in the distance.

He got out and handed the box to Mizuki. Mizuki looked at the box. It was made of solid gold, and had odd writing written on it. Mizuki looked at the writing, “Only four will travel far, only four may live so far, this apocalypse must end now, find the sword that time will test, for only one can be the best,” Mizuki read aloud.

“How did you…” Ryu was cut off be an odd sound. The box glew with a giant light. It opened, very slowly. A giant flash of light engulfed the two. The light then stopped. “That…was odd,” said Ryu, amazed.

“That it was…what’s this?” Mizuki glanced into the box. Inside was a pendant. This was gold, also. It had a sword on the end of it. Mizuki picked it up and held it high. It than glew, penetrating the darkness with it’s light. It began to change shape, into a sword. “Whoa…” said Mizuki, amazed.


There! I predict the full chapter will be up by Christmas!

-I.S. ;212;

Ice_Scyther
24th December 2005, 7:44 PM
sorry it took so long. Here is chap3:

CHAPTER THREE: The Sword of Light


As Mizuki looked around the room, he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG. “Dang,” he whispered to himself. All he could see were books. There were books of all sizes and colors, thousands of titles, and a giant desk in the middle of it all.

“Wow, where did you get all these?” remarked Mizuki in awe.

“Oh, this place used to be a library. It burned down in the year 532. Most of the books survived though. No one knows why,” replied Ryu. “I’ve researched with these books everything from the Uprising of Lucigo* to the Destruction of Atlantis**. I love reading, but I had to teach myself, tho’. I’ve never seen my parents.”

“Do you know what happened to them?” asked Mizuki.

“No, no one ever told me,” replied Ryu. “I wish I knew though,”

“Hmmm…” thought Mizuki, glancing around. “What else do you have besides books?”

“Well, my bow and arrow for hunting, a small dagger, and food. I also have this weird golden case. I don’t know what’s in it, though,”

“Can I see it?”

“Sure, I don’t see the harm,”

Mizuki followed Ryu into a small, dark room. This room was wet, with water dripping from the ceiling. Mizuki could feel some energy coming from the water. He stopped and charged up on water. Who knows when the next battle would be. He eventually caught up with Ryu. Ryu stopped in front of a large door. He pulled a lever and the giant, metal door opened. In this room was a wooden cabinet with food. There was a sheathed dagger lying on a small table, with a bow and a quiver of arrows.

“So where’s this box?” Mizuki asked, looking around the musty room.

“Hold on,” replied Ryu, as he pushed on a brick. A small doorway opened, and inside was a faint, golden glow. Ryu then climbed through and grabbed an object in the distance.

He got out and handed the box to Mizuki. Mizuki looked at the box. It was made of solid gold, and had odd writing written on it. Mizuki looked at the writing, “Only four will travel far, only four may live so far, this apocalypse must end now, find the sword that time will test, for only one can be the best,” Mizuki read aloud.

“How did you…” Ryu was cut off be an odd sound. The box glew with a giant light. It opened, very slowly. A giant flash of light engulfed the two. The light then stopped. “That…was odd,” said Ryu, amazed.

“That it was…what’s this?” Mizuki glanced into the box. Inside was a pendant. This was gold, also. It had a sword on the end of it. Mizuki picked it up and held it high. It than glew, penetrating the darkness with it’s light. It began to change shape, into a sword. “Whoa…” said Mizuki, amazed. The sword was very…bright. It had a nice, golden handle with a diamond in the middle of the hilt. The blade was made from hardened silver.

“Cool!” shouted Ryu. He grabbed the blade. “Ow! Owowowowowow!!!” he jerked his hand away from the blade. A burn had appeared on Ryu’s hand. “That’s hot!” he said, clutching his hand.

“Hm…” Mizuki thought. He grabbed the blade. “What are you talking about? This isn’t hot!” He swung the blade around. He sheathed it at his belt.

“That was hot when I touched it!” Ryu pleaded.

“Riiiiiiiight,” said Mizuki, sarcastically.

“Seriously!”

“Yeah, well,” Ryu was cut off by a shaking above them.

“What the-What’s going on?”

“How would I know?”

“Uhhhhh….You live here,”

“This hardly ever happens!”

“Hardly?”

“I dunno. Let’s see what’s going on!” Ryu ran out of the room. Mizuki followed. Ryu climbed up the rope with Mizuki still following.

“Wait up!” said Mizuki.

They emerged out of Ryu’s shack. A giant beast was attacking! The beast shot an odd laser beam out of its mouth and shot a hole in the ground. It saw them and charged up another beam.

“Ruuuuuuuun!” shouted Ryu, grabbed Mizuki and dashing off around a corner.


There. Please Review and stuff!

-I.S. ;212;

PS-Just so ya know, this is a little over 2 pages on MS Word.

Yami Ryu
24th December 2005, 9:53 PM
he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG.
One of the worst things to do, don't do author notes intergrated into the story, unless you're trying to go for bad humor.

Overall your story is still rushed, and still choppy. The characters are still coming off as a bit blah and shallow, and overall I don't think you're really taking any of the advice to heart.


Ryu was cut off be an odd sound. The box glew with a giant light. It opened, very slowly. A giant flash of light engulfed the two.

That rushed, chopped up bit could become;


Ryu found himself interupted by an odd sound before spotting the box as it started to glow with a bright (insert color here) colored light. Then the box started to open very slowly, untill suddenly a large and bright flash of light engulfed the stunned duo

See how a bit of time can make a bad scentence into a nice, spiffy scentence, or even paragraph? You aren't taking time with your writing, Ice Scyther. You're saying you are, when you aren't. You're not trying to take the advice given to you, to heart. And you're continuing to throw out lack luster stuff that holds little to no appeal to anyone.

Ice_Scyther
26th December 2005, 1:47 AM
When I saw you had posted, i groaned. You will say 'Too much description.' Then the person will take out a little description and you say:'too little description'. MAKE UP YER D*** MIND!!!!!!!!!!

Yami Ryu
26th December 2005, 1:55 AM
When I saw you had posted, i groaned. You will say 'Too much description.' Then the person will take out a little description and you say:'too little description'. MAKE UP YER D*** MIND!!!!!!!!!!

First off; Off Topic: Sig rule breaker. Two banners, and an image when the rules to my knowlegde have it 2 banners no pic's only.

On Topic: I have never said, there's too much description. Do not put words in my mouth, you whiner. Secondly, you did not read my post. You RUSHED the story, which is as bad as making it chopped, tacky and making the characters shallow, for it further proves you don't want to take the time of day to attempt to make it the best you can. Maybe if you read my post, and actually see that the re written paragraph flows a bit more smoothely, then you will understand where you went wrong.

I just have to say; take the crits you're getting and try to improve. But meh, you're basically showing you're a lost case with that post.

Ice_Scyther
26th December 2005, 2:01 AM
I'M NOT RUSHED. If you don't like the story, leave. Please. I beg of you.

-I.S. ;212;

Guitar dude bill
27th December 2005, 9:43 AM
I'M NOT RUSHED. If you don't like the story, leave. Please. I beg of you.

-I.S. ;212;
ORLY? Are you not doing stuff like this all the time. OK IS. Your getting on my nerves, you can't take critisism, you criticize other fics. And you are rushed. This fic looks like it couldn't have taken anymore than 20 minutes. You obviosuly aren't working on it and just saying you are. Renenade's trying to help you.
Renegade's right. Short, rushed, flat characters.

he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG. “Dang,”
Still with your authors notes are you? They are BAD! Surely you could have done this: ****. Could you have not? And seriously, dang for a boy of Mizuki's age? I don't think so. Damn would have been a better, and that could have gone into a PG, don't you think?

“Oh, this place used to be a library.
Riiiiiiiight. If the library was destroyed, the books would have been taken out, non? Or were they thinking 'I know, lets let someone live in a destroyed library, and leave the books there'? I think you'd have to be a bit of an idiot to want to live in an abandoned library

It burned down in the year 532.
Write your numbers in full words. Not the digits. The words. You need to be good at english to write a good story, not maths.

* to the Destruction of Atlantis**.
OK. Explain WHY you did those stars? Should it not be 'these'? If it's a noun or whatever, it's 'these' apostrophes, like speech marks, just singles, get it?

I love reading, but I had to teach myself, tho’.
Spelt tho' wrong. It's though. Does it really take that long to type up three letters? And you should explain how he learnt to read on his own. As far as we know he could have just picked up a random book and knew how to read. It would have made it less rushed (kinda).

I’ve never seen my parents.”

“Do you know what happened to them?” asked Mizuki.

“No, no one ever told me,” replied Ryu. “I wish I knew though,”

This is the best sign of your flat 'characters'. You haven't described their tones of voice or anything. The way your 'characters' are talking is kinda like this.
"Did you get fire emblem yesterday?"
"Yeah."
"Is it good?"
"Yeah, kinda."
And is that remotely what your 'characters' are talking about? Ryu is talking about his parents which he never knew. Wouldn't he be upset? He should be talking in a sad way. Not a dozy way. Which I imagined they were talking like. Also you ended the paragraph with a comma. Use a full stop. They're there for a reason.

“Hmmm…” thought Mizuki, glancing around. “What else do you have besides books?”

Riiiiiiiiiight. They're talking about something then immediately change the subject just like that. They're talking about something they'd want to talk about for a bit. Best end the subject with Ryu going "I don't really want to talk about it." Or something like that. Not Mizuki just deciding to go off topic for no reason.

I also have this weird golden case. I don’t know what’s in it, though,”

“Can I see it?”

“Sure, I don’t see the harm,”

OK. Gold is valuable, expensive and rare. And an average hunter has one and treats it like an ordinary item? And again ending with commas. You should know that by your age. Wouldn't he be more excited? Like "Gold! Please can I see it!"
Your 'characters' didn't seem to give a stuff about it.

Mizuki followed Ryu into a small, dark room. This room was wet, with water dripping from the ceiling.
OK. That description was so brief I can't imagine it well. How about. 'Mizuki followed after Ryu into a room. He looked around himself, the room was blacked-out dark and aquatic water dripped from the dark ceiling. The room was very damp, it was like a dried out ocean'. It's metaphors and less rushed and less brief. Keep us alive and interested as well as creating atmosphere. Your description bores us to death.

Mizuki could feel some energy coming from the water.
Why did he feel the energy? And again rushed. How about 'Mizuki felt a powerful burst of energy surging through his veins. He could tell that it was coming from the water.' How about that?

He stopped and charged up on water
OK. How did he charge up on the water? Did he drink it? Did he kneel on it? We have absolulotley, no idea what he actually did. You're getting lacking in description I.S. Explain what he actually did

. Who knows when the next battle would be
That should either be colon or a comma. And did you ever explain that he did battles? We only know he battled a seadragon once. Explain their back story, OK.

He eventually caught up with Ryu
How did he catch up with Ryu? Did he fly? Did he travel by wheelchair? And that's rushed. How about 'He suddenly realised that Ryu was ahead of him. He started stumbling towards Ryu' or something like that.

Ryu stopped in front of a large door.
Too brief, and rushed. You could have added actions while they were walking ya know. And all we know it that the door was large. We don't even know where it is. As far as we know Ryu could have started walking up the ceiling and saw a door up there. And fabric and pink. Your lacking description

He pulled a lever and the giant, metal door opened.
OK. Maybe you did describe the door after all, but not colour. You should have done it earlier. And again, where was the lever? Was it behind the door? And which way did it open? Did it open up or open sideways?

In this room was a wooden cabinet with food
Since when did you mention that there was even a room behind the door? It could lead to the pit of death for all we know. Also, what kind of food was it? Was it edible? And again RUSHED! How big was the cabinet? How about 'Behind the room was a dark room. It had a small, wooden cabinet that contained bread and meat.'? Why do you have such a bad habit of rushing fics?!

There was a sheathed dagger lying on a small table, with a bow and a quiver of arrows.
You didn't even mention which room it was in! As far as we know you could be reffering to heaven. And what material is it? And how large it the bow? And is it a huge dagger, or a miniature one? Again RUSHED. Can't you even manage a single sentence without rushing it. How about 'Mizuki saw a small table at the side of the room. He cautiously stepped over to the table and stared at it. The table contained a small, iron, sheathed dagger in the centre (or center seeing as your american, DON'T INSERT THIS) of the wood. Surrounding it was a bow and a quiver of arrows, decorating it.'? STOP RUSHING YOUR FIC!!!!!!!!

“Hold on,” replied Ryu, as he pushed on a brick.
Hold on? Are we going on a roller coaster? And what did the brick look like? Oh and he replied? "Where's this box?"
"Hold on" is a reply? Is he mad? It's like saying "Where's my watch"
"Hold on"
And also, where is the brick. You never actually mentioned the room had a wall. Again rushed. How about ' "hold on," Ryu said. He turned to the other side of the wall and pushed a mysterious, red brick into the wall.'

A small doorway opened, and inside was a faint, golden glow.
Where was the door way? How did it open? Is it in heaven? And you should separate the opened and the 'and' from each other in sentences. And get rid of the 'and' and replace it with a full stop (.). Another rushed sentence. How about 'Mizuki and Ryu heard a door opening which echoed in their ears. They turned around to notice that a small doorway had opened up. They looked inside the room. Inside they could see a glow that was gold, but faint gold.' That could have been split into three sentences it's so rushed.

Ryu then climbed through and grabbed an object in the distance.

Where did he climb? Was there anywhere to climb? And if the object was in the distance how did he grab it? Is Ryu strech arm strong? I'm not going to say it again because you know what I'm going to say. How about 'Ryu began climbing across the wall slowly entering the room and climbing across the room. He could see an object in the distance. He climbed up to it and swiped his hands, grabbing it.'?

He got out and handed the box to Mizuki.
You started a new paragraph, that's correct. But you never start a paragraph with 'he'. You didn't mention who you were reffering to. And did you ever mention the object was a box? No! And rushed again. How about 'He finally managed to escape the room from climbing. He held up the object. The object was the golden box Ryu had been talking about thought Mizuki.
"Here you go," Ryu said. He handed the box over to Mizuki. Mizuki accepted the box and grabbed it.'?

Mizuki looked at the box.
OK. How did he look at the box. Was he happy, was he dissapointed, what? Your characters are sooooooo emotionless.

It was made of solid gold, and had odd writing written on it
Should be part of your previous sentence. Didn't Ryu say it was wooden? Rushed again. How about 'The box was actually made of solid gold, Ryu was wrong about it being wooden. Mizuki was also surprised at the odd writing that was written on the side.'?

Mizuki looked at the writing, “Only four will travel far, only four may live so far, this apocalypse must end now, find the sword that time will test, for only one can be the best,” Mizuki read aloud.

Should be the end of a sentence at writing. And would ancient people really do poetry on their teachings and stuff? And also it's like football. Only one can be the best? Turning into a competition by the looks of things.

“How did you…” Ryu was cut off be an odd sound.
Very rushed. And why 'be' instead of 'by'. Typo alert. How about ' "How did you.." Ryu's voice was interrupted by an odd sound that left him breathless. It amazed him too much to talk.

The box glew with a giant light.
How bright was the light. And again rushed. How about 'The box started glowing. It glowed an immensley bright light. The light was so large it glowed over the whole room.'? And again a typo. It's 'glowed' not 'glew'.

It opened, very slowly.
Again rushed. How about 'The lid opened up, but at a slow speed."?
That is still fairly rushed. But it's better

The light then stopped.
Riiiiiight. Wasn't it a flash? In that case, it would have stopped at first. And again rushed. How about 'The light began to die down. It slowly went down like a tide and suddenly the light perished.'? You obviously can't type a single sentence without rushing it!

“That…was odd,” said Ryu, amazed.
He was amazed it was odd? o_0. And honestly, can't you think of a more exciting word that amazed, like breathless or speechless. You could have split it into something like this. ' "That," Ryu mumbled, "was amazingly odd." Ryu was speechless at what he had seen.'

“That it was…what’s this?” Mizuki glanced into the box.
OK. That light wasn't an everyday thing. And by the looks of things, Mizuki doesn't seem to care. He acted like I do when my parents say hi to me. He immediately changed the topic. Your 'characters' are becoming stereotype ya know.

Inside was a pendant
What did the pendant look like? And that should be part of the previous sentence. Where's your grammar laddeh?

This was gold, also.
That would have been better off a 'which' instead of 'this' and should be attached to the last sentence. And try not to bore us to death with brief words.

It had a sword on the end of it.
OK. What was it on the end of? We might know but an idiot wouldn't. That's because you just started a load of sentences where you could have used commas and packed in description!

Mizuki picked it up and held it high.
Please try not to use 'it' too often. Again rushed. How about 'Mizuki grabbed the sword. He rose his hands up. Elegantly, holding the sword.'

It than glew, penetrating the darkness with it’s light.
Two typos. Glew and than. And you could have used 'eliminated' instead of 'penetrated' seeing as it makes more sense.

It began to change shape, into a sword.
Wasn't it a sword in the first place? Oh or are you reffering to the pendant. Well you could have been more clear couldn't you have?

It had a nice, golden handle with a diamond in the middle of the hilt.
Don't use such a brief word as 'nice' please. Use something like 'valuable' please. Just not nice

“Cool!” shouted Ryu.
First off. If they're shouting it should be in capitals. Second off, why would he think it was cool, how old is Ryu? Yay we just saw a pendant transform into a lethal weapon which is amazing and I've never seen anything like it and all I can say is cool.

He grabbed the blade.
Ooooooh, let's get my hand cut off! Wouldn't that slice Ryu's hand off? Be more realistic please.

“Ow! Owowowowowow!!!” he jerked his hand away from the blade.
Should be a capital letter at the he. I'm not surprised. But wouldn't he feel alot more hurt and lose his hand, this is kinda turning into an anime.

A burn had appeared on Ryu's hand
That would hurt the hell out of him. Metal + heat= pure heat. And don't just say that. Do something like this 'Mizuki and Ryu stared at Ryu's palm. Ryu had it held out so Mizuki could see it. Mizuki realized that Ryu's hand had been burned.'

“That’s hot!” he said, clutching his hand.

Did said too quickly. (Stealing a phrase Psychic said) What tone of voice is he in? And I think we would have said boiling, don't you? And clutching his hand? This is turning into a book version of an anime.

“Hm…” Mizuki thought.
OK, I explained that to Pisces and Polirick when you were in my presence. And you make the thought mistake. It's italic for crying out loud.

He grabbed the blade.
OK. What a Gary Stu you just created. His friend got a burn and he grabs the blade? That is just...... a pure Gary Stu. And again wouldn't he lose his hand.

“What are you talking about? This isn’t hot!”
You just developed even more of a Gary Stu with that. Why would it be hot for one and not for the other? Something to do with the fact he's the water channeler I'm guessing.

He swung the blade around.
Are you even trying not to Gary Stu up Mizuki? If he swung the blade around he'd probably hit Ryu and he'd be scared to do that in case he did that. So stop Gary Stu-ing your 'characters' and give them faults.

“That was hot when I touched it!” Ryu pleaded.
He pleaded? What is he pleading? Is he asking not to touch it again? You didn't explain it very clearly. And you used the word 'that' when you should've used 'it'.

Yeah, well,” Ryu was cut off by a shaking above them.
Ryu was talking before and you started a new paragraph? It's "blah blah" Same speaker "Blah blah" and stuff like that with speakers.

“What the-What’s going on?”
The hython would've been better off a full stop

“Uhhhhh….You live here,”
You ended with a comma and he seems to be quite calm now.

Ryu ran out of the room.
Again rushed. How about 'Ryu didn't hesitate. He lifted his foot and forwarded them to exit the room.'?

Mizuki followed.
Should be part of the previous sentence

Ryu climbed up the rope with Mizuki still following.

What rope are you going on about? We don't need to know that Mizuki is 'still' following.

They emerged out of Ryu’s shack.
OK, you just missed out a ton of places they had to run through. They'd have to run through every place they had already been. They couldn't exit it that quickly

A giant beast was attacking!
What did the beast look like? Is he a dragon or a demon or what? What is he?

The beast shot an odd laser beam out of its mouth and shot a hole in the ground. It saw them and charged up another beam.

Those sentences were so rushed I'm not even going to think of a better version.

“Ruuuuuuuun!” shouted Ryu, grabbed Mizuki and dashing off around a corner.

You didn't explain very clearly who grabbed Mizuki. And you should split that into two sentences.
And I.S.. Take our critisism and grow up. And don't whine that we're being harsh. We're no harsher than you are.

Ice_Scyther
28th December 2005, 2:45 PM
ORLY? Are you not doing stuff like this all the time. OK IS. Your getting on my nerves, you can't take critisism, you criticize other fics. And you are rushed. This fic looks like it couldn't have taken anymore than 20 minutes. You obviosuly aren't working on it and just saying you are. Renenade's trying to help you.
Renegade's right. Short, rushed, flat characters.

Still with your authors notes are you? They are BAD! Surely you could have done this: ****. Could you have not? And seriously, dang for a boy of Mizuki's age? I don't think so. Damn would have been a better, and that could have gone into a PG, don't you think?

Riiiiiiiight. If the library was destroyed, the books would have been taken out, non? Or were they thinking 'I know, lets let someone live in a destroyed library, and leave the books there'? I think you'd have to be a bit of an idiot to want to live in an abandoned library

Write your numbers in full words. Not the digits. The words. You need to be good at english to write a good story, not maths.

OK. Explain WHY you did those stars? Should it not be 'these'? If it's a noun or whatever, it's 'these' apostrophes, like speech marks, just singles, get it?

Spelt tho' wrong. It's though. Does it really take that long to type up three letters? And you should explain how he learnt to read on his own. As far as we know he could have just picked up a random book and knew how to read. It would have made it less rushed (kinda).

This is the best sign of your flat 'characters'. You haven't described their tones of voice or anything. The way your 'characters' are talking is kinda like this.
"Did you get fire emblem yesterday?"
"Yeah."
"Is it good?"
"Yeah, kinda."
And is that remotely what your 'characters' are talking about? Ryu is talking about his parents which he never knew. Wouldn't he be upset? He should be talking in a sad way. Not a dozy way. Which I imagined they were talking like. Also you ended the paragraph with a comma. Use a full stop. They're there for a reason.

Riiiiiiiiiight. They're talking about something then immediately change the subject just like that. They're talking about something they'd want to talk about for a bit. Best end the subject with Ryu going "I don't really want to talk about it." Or something like that. Not Mizuki just deciding to go off topic for no reason.

OK. Gold is valuable, expensive and rare. And an average hunter has one and treats it like an ordinary item? And again ending with commas. You should know that by your age. Wouldn't he be more excited? Like "Gold! Please can I see it!"
Your 'characters' didn't seem to give a stuff about it.

OK. That description was so brief I can't imagine it well. How about. 'Mizuki followed after Ryu into a room. He looked around himself, the room was blacked-out dark and aquatic water dripped from the dark ceiling. The room was very damp, it was like a dried out ocean'. It's metaphors and less rushed and less brief. Keep us alive and interested as well as creating atmosphere. Your description bores us to death.

Why did he feel the energy? And again rushed. How about 'Mizuki felt a powerful burst of energy surging through his veins. He could tell that it was coming from the water.' How about that?

OK. How did he charge up on the water? Did he drink it? Did he kneel on it? We have absolulotley, no idea what he actually did. You're getting lacking in description I.S. Explain what he actually did

That should either be colon or a comma. And did you ever explain that he did battles? We only know he battled a seadragon once. Explain their back story, OK.

How did he catch up with Ryu? Did he fly? Did he travel by wheelchair? And that's rushed. How about 'He suddenly realised that Ryu was ahead of him. He started stumbling towards Ryu' or something like that.

Too brief, and rushed. You could have added actions while they were walking ya know. And all we know it that the door was large. We don't even know where it is. As far as we know Ryu could have started walking up the ceiling and saw a door up there. And fabric and pink. Your lacking description

OK. Maybe you did describe the door after all, but not colour. You should have done it earlier. And again, where was the lever? Was it behind the door? And which way did it open? Did it open up or open sideways?

Since when did you mention that there was even a room behind the door? It could lead to the pit of death for all we know. Also, what kind of food was it? Was it edible? And again RUSHED! How big was the cabinet? How about 'Behind the room was a dark room. It had a small, wooden cabinet that contained bread and meat.'? Why do you have such a bad habit of rushing fics?!

You didn't even mention which room it was in! As far as we know you could be reffering to heaven. And what material is it? And how large it the bow? And is it a huge dagger, or a miniature one? Again RUSHED. Can't you even manage a single sentence without rushing it. How about 'Mizuki saw a small table at the side of the room. He cautiously stepped over to the table and stared at it. The table contained a small, iron, sheathed dagger in the centre (or center seeing as your american, DON'T INSERT THIS) of the wood. Surrounding it was a bow and a quiver of arrows, decorating it.'? STOP RUSHING YOUR FIC!!!!!!!!

Hold on? Are we going on a roller coaster? And what did the brick look like? Oh and he replied? "Where's this box?"
"Hold on" is a reply? Is he mad? It's like saying "Where's my watch"
"Hold on"
And also, where is the brick. You never actually mentioned the room had a wall. Again rushed. How about ' "hold on," Ryu said. He turned to the other side of the wall and pushed a mysterious, red brick into the wall.'

Where was the door way? How did it open? Is it in heaven? And you should separate the opened and the 'and' from each other in sentences. And get rid of the 'and' and replace it with a full stop (.). Another rushed sentence. How about 'Mizuki and Ryu heard a door opening which echoed in their ears. They turned around to notice that a small doorway had opened up. They looked inside the room. Inside they could see a glow that was gold, but faint gold.' That could have been split into three sentences it's so rushed.

Where did he climb? Was there anywhere to climb? And if the object was in the distance how did he grab it? Is Ryu strech arm strong? I'm not going to say it again because you know what I'm going to say. How about 'Ryu began climbing across the wall slowly entering the room and climbing across the room. He could see an object in the distance. He climbed up to it and swiped his hands, grabbing it.'?

You started a new paragraph, that's correct. But you never start a paragraph with 'he'. You didn't mention who you were reffering to. And did you ever mention the object was a box? No! And rushed again. How about 'He finally managed to escape the room from climbing. He held up the object. The object was the golden box Ryu had been talking about thought Mizuki.
"Here you go," Ryu said. He handed the box over to Mizuki. Mizuki accepted the box and grabbed it.'?

OK. How did he look at the box. Was he happy, was he dissapointed, what? Your characters are sooooooo emotionless.

Should be part of your previous sentence. Didn't Ryu say it was wooden? Rushed again. How about 'The box was actually made of solid gold, Ryu was wrong about it being wooden. Mizuki was also surprised at the odd writing that was written on the side.'?

Should be the end of a sentence at writing. And would ancient people really do poetry on their teachings and stuff? And also it's like football. Only one can be the best? Turning into a competition by the looks of things.

Very rushed. And why 'be' instead of 'by'. Typo alert. How about ' "How did you.." Ryu's voice was interrupted by an odd sound that left him breathless. It amazed him too much to talk.

How bright was the light. And again rushed. How about 'The box started glowing. It glowed an immensley bright light. The light was so large it glowed over the whole room.'? And again a typo. It's 'glowed' not 'glew'.

Again rushed. How about 'The lid opened up, but at a slow speed."?
That is still fairly rushed. But it's better

Riiiiiight. Wasn't it a flash? In that case, it would have stopped at first. And again rushed. How about 'The light began to die down. It slowly went down like a tide and suddenly the light perished.'? You obviously can't type a single sentence without rushing it!

He was amazed it was odd? o_0. And honestly, can't you think of a more exciting word that amazed, like breathless or speechless. You could have split it into something like this. ' "That," Ryu mumbled, "was amazingly odd." Ryu was speechless at what he had seen.'

OK. That light wasn't an everyday thing. And by the looks of things, Mizuki doesn't seem to care. He acted like I do when my parents say hi to me. He immediately changed the topic. Your 'characters' are becoming stereotype ya know.

What did the pendant look like? And that should be part of the previous sentence. Where's your grammar laddeh?

That would have been better off a 'which' instead of 'this' and should be attached to the last sentence. And try not to bore us to death with brief words.

OK. What was it on the end of? We might know but an idiot wouldn't. That's because you just started a load of sentences where you could have used commas and packed in description!

Please try not to use 'it' too often. Again rushed. How about 'Mizuki grabbed the sword. He rose his hands up. Elegantly, holding the sword.'

Two typos. Glew and than. And you could have used 'eliminated' instead of 'penetrated' seeing as it makes more sense.

Wasn't it a sword in the first place? Oh or are you reffering to the pendant. Well you could have been more clear couldn't you have?

Don't use such a brief word as 'nice' please. Use something like 'valuable' please. Just not nice

First off. If they're shouting it should be in capitals. Second off, why would he think it was cool, how old is Ryu? Yay we just saw a pendant transform into a lethal weapon which is amazing and I've never seen anything like it and all I can say is cool.

Ooooooh, let's get my hand cut off! Wouldn't that slice Ryu's hand off? Be more realistic please.

Should be a capital letter at the he. I'm not surprised. But wouldn't he feel alot more hurt and lose his hand, this is kinda turning into an anime.

That would hurt the hell out of him. Metal + heat= pure heat. And don't just say that. Do something like this 'Mizuki and Ryu stared at Ryu's palm. Ryu had it held out so Mizuki could see it. Mizuki realized that Ryu's hand had been burned.'

Did said too quickly. (Stealing a phrase Psychic said) What tone of voice is he in? And I think we would have said boiling, don't you? And clutching his hand? This is turning into a book version of an anime.

OK, I explained that to Pisces and Polirick when you were in my presence. And you make the thought mistake. It's italic for crying out loud.

OK. What a Gary Stu you just created. His friend got a burn and he grabs the blade? That is just...... a pure Gary Stu. And again wouldn't he lose his hand.

You just developed even more of a Gary Stu with that. Why would it be hot for one and not for the other? Something to do with the fact he's the water channeler I'm guessing.

Are you even trying not to Gary Stu up Mizuki? If he swung the blade around he'd probably hit Ryu and he'd be scared to do that in case he did that. So stop Gary Stu-ing your 'characters' and give them faults.

He pleaded? What is he pleading? Is he asking not to touch it again? You didn't explain it very clearly. And you used the word 'that' when you should've used 'it'.

Ryu was talking before and you started a new paragraph? It's "blah blah" Same speaker "Blah blah" and stuff like that with speakers.

The hython would've been better off a full stop

You ended with a comma and he seems to be quite calm now.

Again rushed. How about 'Ryu didn't hesitate. He lifted his foot and forwarded them to exit the room.'?

Should be part of the previous sentence

What rope are you going on about? We don't need to know that Mizuki is 'still' following.

OK, you just missed out a ton of places they had to run through. They'd have to run through every place they had already been. They couldn't exit it that quickly

What did the beast look like? Is he a dragon or a demon or what? What is he?

Those sentences were so rushed I'm not even going to think of a better version.

You didn't explain very clearly who grabbed Mizuki. And you should split that into two sentences.
And I.S.. Take our critisism and grow up. And don't whine that we're being harsh. We're no harsher than you are.


Blingin G-

1)You don't write any dam better.

2)You actually suck more then i do.

3)You crit worse then me, in fact you can't crit!!!

4)It's gonna be explained in the next chapter-how would you know?

5)Those stars were a keyboard slip. i'll erase them.

6)YOU WRITE YEARS WITH NUMBERS, genius!

7)So, overall Blingin G, stfu. Never rate this fic. Ever. again. Never.

A ****** Ice_Scyther signing out.

-I.S. ;212; >:(

Guitar dude bill
28th December 2005, 2:50 PM
Blingin G-

1)You don't write any dam better.

2)You actually suck more then i do.

3)You crit worse then me, in fact you can't crit!!!

4)It's gonna be explained in the next chapter-how would you know?

5)Those stars were a keyboard slip. i'll erase them.

6)YOU WRITE YEARS WITH NUMBERS, genius!

7)So, overall Blingin G, stfu. Never rate this fic. Ever. again. Never.

A ****** Ice_Scyther signing out.

-I.S. ;212; >:(
I.S. Seriously, grow up. Why can't you take critisism. And you give it out or the time. And you crit ****ily. I don't spell my numbers in digits in my fics do I? And this will probably get closed soon.

Kaiserin
28th December 2005, 7:58 PM
Blingin G-

1)You don't write any dam better.

2)You actually suck more then i do.

3)You crit worse then me, in fact you can't crit!!!

4)It's gonna be explained in the next chapter-how would you know?

5)Those stars were a keyboard slip. i'll erase them.

6)YOU WRITE YEARS WITH NUMBERS, genius!

7)So, overall Blingin G, stfu. Never rate this fic. Ever. again. Never.

A ****** Ice_Scyther signing out.

-I.S. ;212; >:(

This is disgusting. Just because you specifically can't take any criticism whatsoever doesn't give you the right to go all sour grapes on him.

How would you know he doesn't write any better? He probably writes better than you do, if he found that many mistakes in your writing. And what in the hell makes you think he sucks more than you do? Perhaps you think he sucks because he GAVE YOU CRIT? What a shallow, shallow thing to say.

He can't crit because you don't like his crit. Ha. Hahaha. That's a good one.

Kid, grow up. Renegade is right: this fic is rushed and was probably written in the reply box. If you don't want to take crit, that means you don't want to improve. If you don't want to improve, that means YOU SHOULDN'T BE WRITING A FANFIC IN THE FIRST PLACE.

And before you go whining that I am an art mod and I don't write fanfics, I do, in fact, write. However rare of an event it is. I have a FFnet account with two stories in it. I would know, because I used to be like you: I wrote fanfics for SPPf, even if only once or twice, in the reply box.

So, in conclusion, you need to want to improve to continue this fic. Almost everyone who has come in here has critiqued you, and you've discarded every one of them as nothing. They're trying to help you, and you're just finding excuses why not to listen to them. Despite Blingin G's initial clumsiness (if that's the way you want to put it), nearly every one of his suggestions is correct.

Well, if you want my opinion, which you don't: LISTEN TO THEM. THEY'RE RIGHT.

That is all. :O

Dragonfree
29th December 2005, 12:31 AM
Stop the flaming everybody, right now, and this is an official warning from a fic mod.

One more post of that, and I'm closing the thread. And this is me being nice; I probably should have closed it now.

Ice_Scyther
30th December 2005, 2:48 PM
Okay then, I'll stop. But Blingin G will probobaly flame again to spite me. For the real reviewers, the next chapter will be up soon.

-I.S. ;212;

Negrek
7th January 2006, 11:39 PM
I will go over each chapter in this review, and then finish with an overall summary.

Prologue



This planet is made up of four elements--Air, Water, Earth, and Fire.
You need the extra line there because, as it is, this is just a hyphen, which you use to put together two words. What you want is a dash, which separates something, like a comma. I would actually use a colon here myself, but a hyphen is definitely incorrect.

- When you say "everything has its place in this world," realize that you're not talking about the elements specifically--you said everything, so this sentence literally refers to everything. Since you go back to talking about the elements specifically in the next couple of sentences, it looks rather random to throw it in here. Consider a sentence like "Each element has its purpose in this world."

- Why mention bose? If you're going to go with every possible exception to the four-element rule, I assume you could as easily talk about dark matter or antimatter. This doesn't really add anything to the story and just has your prologue suddenly veering off on a random tangent for a couple of seconds. I think that you should remove this reference; in addition, I don't believe that bose should be capitalized, but I'm too lazy to go look it up at the moment.

- Why are the chosen ones kids? Seems to me like adults would work better. Please explain.

- If you're using the elements from classic Greek mythology, why does everybody have Japanese names?

All right, I'll echo most people in saying that it's a wee bit too short. I'm not of the mind that prologues need be humongous, so long as they get the job done, but this one doesn't really accomplish its aim of setting the scene very well. If anything, it reads like the script for a movie trailer or the little blurb on the back of a book's cover--a teaser, not really a proper introduction to the story.

Chapter One


Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Kaisui. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming. His father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He also had a very likeable personality. He was not just a Storm Watcher, for he was the next Water Channeler.
Really, 5'9" is not the average height at age fourteen, for either guys or girls. A lot of guys my age haven't yet overtaken me in height, and I'm shorter than that. In addition, for someone that tall, 102 is not just a little less than standard. That's almost skeletal. Very skinny. But it doesn't even matter...neither of these things matter at all to his characterization and therefore are just extraneous details that nobody is going to remember later on. As Saffire Persian stated, these facts should only come into play only if they're important to the story in some way.

Also, as Whit19 mentioned, this description is very listy and not very effective at all. You need to work a bit on working your descriptions into the text of the story instead of just throwing them into a big chunk at the beginning.

Not to mention that this description almost screams Gary-Stu. You even got the color-changing eyes right.


He headed off to the small, lake near his home.
No comma. As a rule, you only put commas between adjectives and nouns if you could replace them with the word "and." This comma would work if the sentence was, "He headed off to the small, clear lake near his home" because saying "small and clear lake" makes sense. Look at the sentence above, however; does "the small and lake" make any sense at all?

- When you say "floated onto" the island it sounds like he's levitating there, not floating along the water's surface. You could say floated out to without a problem because that implies that he only floated on his way there, but saying floated onto...just sounds wrong.

- Swimming with a basket full of plump, heavy fruit would probably be seriously hard. Also, I don't think that you mean to say that he "went back to the sea...


He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer. He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him! Seadragons are like medium-sized wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. They have one head, but once they clamp on, they never let go. It is unknown how or why they can live in such small environments. They have a habit of hiding in they rocks, so their prey dosen’t know they are there
This is a tense change. Note how the first sentence is in the past tense, consistent with the rest of the narrative thus far excluding the prologue, but the rest of the sentences are in the present tense. Again, you've got the listy description going on. We should be seeing the dragon thrashing around in the water, waterfruit going everywhere (I would assume the kid let go of the basket after getting chomped on), and the like. Also, I think Renegade was sort of joking or exaggerating when she asked how many heads the dragon head. It's a good guideline with description that you should draw attention to the unexpected wherever possible, and allow the readers to assume the mundane. Saying that it had only one head implies that I should be expecting it to have more. If the dragon had two heads, now that would be unusual and something to note. As is, however, it seems you could focus on more pertinent details. Also, if the dragons never let go, then how did the kid get away...?

- I'd expect him do do more than "notice" this freaking big wound in his leg--it would probably pain him considerably.


He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical than beach-like.
You use then only when referring to time in some way, or chronilogical order (this happened, then this happened.) You use than for comparisons. Also, most tropical islands are rather beach-like.

- I don't know, don't you think you'd be just the slightest bit cautious of a freaky shrine on an island that you are totally unfamiliar with? Personally, I don't think I'd go near the thing unless I was seriously desperate, and you don't communicate that feeling very much. Also, the vision does come on rather suddenly. You don't mention any particular trigger; you would expect that there would be something to set the vision off, rather than just having it happen randomly, such as gazing into a misty portal or something similarly cliche.

- You need to begin a new paragraph each and every time a new person speaks. The only time that this comes up is in the last paragraph. Properly formatted, it should look like this:


He awoke on a small island. He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical than beach-like. ‘Am I dead?’ Mizuki asked himself. He got up and noticed a gash in his leg where the seadragon had clamped onto him. He limped over to an odd shrine. Suddenly, he saw his land being plagued with darkness, and in the mist of it all, there were four figures channeling the for elements at the darkness. He glanced at one, who was controlling water. He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought.

"FIND YOUR DESTINY..." said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again.

"That was odd," he said aloud. He touched the shrine and it glowed blue. "What the-" he stammered, glancing around. An old man then appeared in the shrine.

"Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!" said the old man.

"So...did you bring me here?" he said questionly.

"Yes, for your life must stay alive!" said the man disappeared.

"Ok...I wonder what just happened? Maybe I’m dreaming," he thought aloud. He then saw his hands glow blue. As he lifted his hand toward the ocean, a stream of water came up. "So the old man was right...I AM a Water Channeler!" Mizuki said in shock. He was surprised. He wondered why HE was chosen, why HE had to save the world. He eventually took it in, and set off for his long journey...
There. Now, there are also some other problems within this section of dialogue. I've highlighted the simple punctuational ones myself, but otherwise I must say that the reactions in this part of the piece are very off. There's no real sense of emotion here; the dialogue seems scripted and stiff. Mizuki seems to accept way too fast that he's been chosen, and to accept that he's a Water Channeller. Also, how does he suddenly realize how to use his powers? Presumeably he's always had them, but all of a sudden he can make water do whatever he wants. I would expect there to be some tough learning time first, where he would have to refine and work to understand his powers. Indeed, I wouldn't expect any degree of ease or finesse for several weeks at least. Not only that, but despite the disturbing visions of his homeland, Mizuki doesn't seem at all worried. He only seems concerned with the "chosen" that appear in the vision, thinking nothing of the desolation caused. Also, how does he suddenly know just where he wants to go at the end of the chapter? He just up and starts walking away as though he's positive of his direction and his purpose. In addition, there's one sentence in particular that bugs me: "Yes, for your life must stay alive!" One's life is not living. Life is not a living thing; life is not able to die. If you have life, then you are alive, yes, but life itself is not something that you can kill. That sentence sounds bizarre and makes no sense.

Thus far, there are three main things that seem to be major problems here: emotion, pacing, and prose.

First, emotion. This is something that every 'fic needs in order to establish a connection with the writing, or more specifically the characters in the writing. If no one feels for your characters, they won't much care what happens to them or be able to sympathize with their situation. The problem is, your character is flat, disinteresting, and not easy to connect with at all. We hardly see anything of the boy or know anything about him; physical description hardly makes us feel one with him. We see so little introspection or interaction with other characters that at this point, Mizuki is more or less faceless. You aren't doing a very good job of allowing his feelings to shine through, here. He'll make the occasional exclamation or "think aloud," but dialogue is really not enough. As in real life, body language is extremely important in order to convey the true colors of a person's words. We get hardly any physical action from Mizuki at all, excluding the simple act of getting from point A to point B. His dialogue, as I mentioned before, reads as unnatural and empty. Where's Mizuki's terror at the vision that appears before him as he reaches the shrine? His confusion at the sound of the mysterious voice? The disorientation that he experiences upon washing up on the strange beach? You need to work hard to think of how you can convey the emotions of your characters; it's not as simple as saying "He was sad" or "He was surprised." Allow us to get inside the character's head a little bit and understand what makes him tick. Let us see how he reacts to his strange situation, and not just through dialogue. Generally, actions speak louder than words.

Second, the pacing. Already this chapter you've thrown a character and a setting at us, then suddenly changed up the setting and sent your plot howling into motion, all in one very short chapter. This is partially what causes the piece to seem so emotionally sterile. You don't give time for the situation to develop, for us to understand Mizuki and begin to be able to relate to him. He's hardly introduced before he's whisked off and slapped with another identity altogether: that of the Water Channeler. You desperately need to slow down and work carefully through what's happening. If possible, show us some of Mizuki's relationships with other people so that, through their response to him and his response to them, we can learn more about him. Let us see a little bit more of his daily life, and describe the lazy sort of existence that his sedate trip out to the island seems to suggest. This buildup is necessary, because without it, the sudden kidnapping by the seadragon seems unremarkable. In order for something to be unusual, it needs to be diffeent from the norm--and in order for this, you must first have established a norm. Again, you're rushing through this much too quickly. If you let your characters and the situation develop, you'll increase the piece's suspense and truly make an impression when things start to get weird. This will help with the first point. Also, the majority of your sentences are simple, increasing the impression that we're just getting factoids instead of an actual story. And as Saffire Persian pointed out, you tend to repeat the beginnings of your sentences, leading to a bland, repetitive feel as each sentence seems very similar to the last.

Third, your prose. Functionally, you actually write surprisingly well. Indeed, looking at the amount I quoted, while taking into account that it is a short chapter, you write functionally better than some of the people on this site considered "good" or even "excellent" writers. However, functionality is not enough. Your writing doesn't flow very well, and the way that it is arranged doesn't make it very impactful or stunning. You spend most of your time telling instead of showing. Going back to the seadragon, I believe I mentioned before that we should be able to see the beast in action so that we might actually be able to understand the terror that it invokes. As it is, you just rattle off a physical description of it like it's a factual entry in some guidebook somewhere, nice and informative but plain and disinteresting. Work on describing through action instead of through words. This will greatly help with the piece's emotional appeal; it's not only the characters that influence how people read a 'fic, after all. The mood and atmosphere created by the person's surroundings are also crucial elements to the overall impact of the story. As it is, you're just laying the facts out at our feet. This approach works for conveying simple data, but when it comes to building an effective story, it just doesn't cut it. We need to be able to feel what's happening as well as just see it, and that's something that you can only really do by showing the action to us instead of just telling us about it afterward.

Also, the plot is largely disinteresting. There is little here to distinguish this from every other of the myriads of stories that involve a young kid suddenly awakening to the fact that he has cool powers and needs to go save the world. It's also a standard Gary-Stu breeding ground. Mizuki just seems like some kid randomly picked out and told that he's supposed to go and do something great, without any real rhyme or reason.

Chapter Two

- Hold up. The last we saw Mizuki he was off on some island without the foggiest clue as to where he was. How on earth did he get back to his family? How did he explain his new ability to his family? Did they just right off accept it and let him be on his way? Were they worried about it? Ecstatic? You have an excellent opportunity here to give us insight into Mizuki's character here, and also to show us some of his family. Again, you're roaring ahead in the plot without taking sufficient time to stop and smell the roses. Also, the first paragraph is extremely choppy. Note the way that the sentences all begin with the same word. Also, you really ought to write out all numbers less than one hundred, though this is only an absolute rule for numbers lower than ten.

- And wow. It suddenly occurs to Mizuki that there are supposed to be other channelers, too. Seems he would have come to that conclusion after his little vision thing. Also, this funky old guy is popping up way too conveniently. It's pretty ridiculous. Occasionally, you should just let characters go off on their own to find something, instead of having someone ready to leap up and point them in the right direction every time they have a little problem. Sure, the old guy is more cryptic than he is helpful, but having him just randomly appeared whenever needed is silly.


As Mizuki walked down the field, he thought, ‘Wait a minute...I can’t take on the darkness by myself! I am just one Channeler! How can I find the others?’ He asked himself.
You can't have two fragments attached to the same sentence like that. It's either, "....he thought, 'Wait a minute..." or "...How can I find the others?' he asked himself." You add a tag on to the beginning or the end of dialogue or speech, not both ends. And again, you need to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks.

- Again we're skipping massive chunks of connecting writing. He "traveled for a few days," did he? With what? It's not like you've mentioned him being decked out for a big excursion like this or anything. Surely, the road must have been hard? It's effortlessness again. Your character needs to struggle in order to be believable. Otherwise, he's a Gary-Stu.

- Suddenly, a heavy backpack materializes. Where did that come from? And surely, Mizuki must be getting freaking tired of lugging it around by now. Don't randomly have items appear for Mizuki whenever he needs them. Mention them beforehand, or at least work them in somehow before suddenly dropping them into the middle of a scene and claiming that they've been there for a while.

- How does Mizuki automatically know that he needs a stamp for his passport? Has he ever traveled outside of the country before?

- You never mention Mizuki picking his pack back up again. I assumed that he had left it at the gate, where he took it off. He never put it back on again that I recall. Thus, I was surprised when he suddenly spirited a waterfruit out of his bag, cool as you please.

- Merchants don't pull butcher knives on people that annoy them. That would be particularly stupid in a market, where there are liable to be guards around keeping order. He might threaten him to move on, but he's not going to whip out a weapon just because the kid annoys him a little bit.

- As other people have pointed out, saying "he said a word that has to be censored out because this is PG" is just silly. If you're going to have your characters swear, buckle down and let them swear. Put the rating up. Seriously, writing it out that way looks sloppy and stupid.

- The reaction of the townsfolk is totally unrealistic. They're not going to see some guy get pelted with a ball of water and instantly connect it with the Water Channeller. There hasn't been a Channeller for a thousand years. How many people are even going to remember the legend still, and of those, how many will seriously believe it? Even with that taken into account, there's no way that after one suspicious demonstration they're going to be all convinced that he's the Water Channeller. That's things happening too fast again.

- Even more improbable, the second person he actually interacts with in the entire city, in the entire country, even, just happens to be the Air Channeller. Seriously, you're making this way, way, way, way too easy for the main character. It's ridiculous that nothing at all seems to be getting in his way. In order for there to be any sort of interest or tension in a piece of fiction, there has to be difficulty. If everything is served to your main character on a silver platter, it becomes disinteresting and totally unrealistic. And come on, he sees the kid for maybe half a second and then decides that he must be the Air Channeller. Even when you have a fantasy novel where the character is supposed to just "know" that a person is the prince in disguise or whatever, it takes them days to be sure. They actually have to, you know, get to know the person first. Mizuki is convinced instantly. This is further evidence of rushing.


A young boy, about 12, came out of the shadows.
Again, you should write out twelve.

- You should write out "Ok." It's only two extra letters.

- The next paragraph is a just-plain-nasty jumble of dialogue. This is why you need to start new paragraphs.

- Though at least more skeptical than the random townspeople, Ryu still believes Mizuki way too easily. And again, how would a street urchin even have any clue what a "Water Channeller" was?


The shack was black with decay, and very run-down.
No comma after decay.

Most of the problems from the last chapter continue to plague you here. This chapter actually shows an increase in rushing, to the point where you're cutting out massive chunks of the plot and rolling over them without a backwards glance. I think that many of your other problems would be solved if you simply forced yourself to focus more closely on events instead of skimming over them as quickly as possible. You're focusing too much on the plot and disregarding other important areas of the story, characterization especially. We need to get to know Mizuki in order to sympathize with and care about him. As it is, he remains a flat aspect, nothing exciting, special, or realistic. I understand that you want to get to the exciting parts of the storyline, and fast, but in order for us to understand the storyline and care about it you need to lavish time and attention on your character and his surroundings. Remember that we can't see into your head. You may know and understand Mizuki, but we cannot. Everything that you want us to understand about your character, you have to show us. As it is, this piece is taking too many leaps of faith and requiring the reader to "fill in the blanks."

Chapter Three: The Sword of Light


As Mizuki looked around the room, he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG.
If you're going to have one of your characters swear, either step up to the plate and let him, or don't have him do so. Putting in phrases like this is silly and jars the reader out of the flow of the piece. Having this as your first sentence is even worse.


Most of the books survived though. No one knows why...
That's just way too convenient and illogical. And if there are all these amazing books, why don't the local pedants come rushing in and loot the place for all of its historical treasures?


I’ve researched with these books everything from the Uprising of Lucigo* to the Destruction of Atlantis**.
Your footnotes don't go anywhere. If you're going to include them, it's a good idea to write out both the sentence and the footnote at the same time so that you don't forget to put them in at the end. Personally, I'm of the mind that footnotes just don't work in forum-style writing, but it's ultimately up to you.

- Gee, Ryu certainly is amazing. Teaching himself to read? You're making your characters disproportionately powerful. They're unbalancing quickly and threatening to wander into Stuedom very soon.



“No, no one ever told me,” replied Ryu. “I wish I knew, though.”



“Well, my bow and arrow for hunting, a small dagger, and food. I also have this weird golden case. I don’t know what’s in it, though.”
Hunting?! He's in the middle of the city! What does he hunt? Also, where in heck did his weird golden case come from? He's a poor orphan with hardly anything to his name, and yet somehow he's managed to acquire what is undoubtedly an incredibly powerful magical relic?


“Sure, I don’t see the harm.”
Unless you follow direct dialogue like this up with a speech tag at the end (like he said, he exlaimed, or he screamed while being attacked by ferrets) you end with a period.


He stopped and charged up on water. Who knew when the next battle would be?
You never mentioned that he needed to charge up before. Why bring it up now? And how does Mizuki know that he needs to charge? He's still knew at using his powers; as mentioed before, he ought to be no expert with them yet.



“How did you…” Ryu was cut off by an odd sound. The box glowed with a giant light.


It then glowed, penetrating the darkness with its light.

- A sword with a silver blade wouldn't be a very good one. Silver is a soft metal, making it impracical for use in weapons. It simply can't stand up to something like steel.


He sheathed it at his belt.
Where'd the sheath come from?

The ending feels very, very rushed. You were doing a bit better with character personalities and emotions in this chapter, but towards the end it just fell off. The characters' feelings and reactions don't seem real here. There's no real terror at the strange quaking of the earth. There's no tension or suspense in the scene, as it's all over so fast and the characters brush off the odd occurrence as though it were nothing. The whole appearance of the beast was very abrupt, too. I'm not one to rag on and on about description, but really, I honestly have no idea what the thing looks like. It's just some faceless, formless thing shooting lasers at the moment. Not very terrifying or exciting.

Rushing continues to plague you. As I said, the characterization was a little better, but you're still glossing over things too quickly and people's reactions are off.

Overall, you've given yourself a very tricky story to work with. The plot is nothing special, and even lends itself to Gary-Stus by its very nature. It's something that everyone's seen before, and it's not going to be exciting unless you bring something new to the table and really put in top-notch work. Up to this point, you haven't really been doing that. It's still very standard, and very rushed.

As other people have mentioned, rushing is your bane. It constantly leeches interest and life from your work, making it appear hackneyed and half-hearted. Take your time and let us see everything as it plays out. Spending more time on things that may seem unimportant, like character relations and seemingly innocuous things like travelling, give you more time to flesh out your characters, plot, and environment. Keeping the story's pace down to a nice, leisurely one will be easier for readers to follow and more enjoyable for them to read. It will also give you more opportunity to show off your writing skills and impress readers. They say the devil's in the details, but if you get a good handle on them, they can be a very powerful literary device. Don't be so eager to get on with the story; leave it a bit of time to develop on its own course and I assure you that the results will be much better, in terms of quality and in terms of reception.

Characterization is your second major problem. As stated before, your characters just don't seem like real people. This is partially because they're skimmed over in the interest of advancing the plot, but also because they don't react like real people would. You need to put yourself into the situations that the characters are in and reflect on what you would do if you were them. It will help your character's emotions feel more genuine and allow people to make connections with them, increasing their interest in the plot. After all, nobody cares what happens to a character if they don't care about him.

Finally, your work is often a bit choppy and has flow problems. Now, I don't know if I've already addressed that in this review (I wrote the first part of it about a week ago) but I'll go into more detail here. You have a tendency to stick to simple sentences, making the work appear jerky and bland. Too often paragraphs read in the form, "It happened. Then he did this. And then this happened. And it was bad." Part of the problem with the progression is that the sentences don't go anywhere. It's important that your sentences have a rise and fall action, a sort of introduction, main idea, and then conclusion. It's not wrong in and of itself to use simple sentences; the thing is, they usually could use a bit of preamble and sometimes a little closure. Try varying sentence types, throwing some complex and compound ones in there. These tend to flow along better, with the multiple clauses adding emphasis or moving the reader swiftly on to the next idea. As it is, the sentences are very flat and disinteresting; they don't really come from anywhere or go to anywhere in particular. The second problem with this repetition of sentences is that it conveys the information in a very textbook-style manner. It pretty much lays the information on the board and says, "This is how it was. Questions?" This is all well and good for conveying information, but it doesn't add much of an emotional depth to the piece. It reads as very informative, but not terribly inspiring or inspired.

In the end, I'd say that this has potential. As mentioned earlier, you're not that bad with mechanics. You seem to have the nuts-and-bolts of writing down. But really, that's only just a skeleton--what you need to do is to flesh out your work a bit more. Add details, expand upon characters, and allow us to explore the world that you've created more. You've got the basics down; now it's time to add the art. Pour a bit more of yourself and your emotions into the piece, and I think that it could improve markably.

pisces_beedrill
9th January 2006, 2:28 PM
sorry it took so long. Here is chap3:

CHAPTER THREE: The Sword of Light


As Mizuki looked around the room, he could only say one word, which is edited ‘cuz this is PG. “Dang,” he whispered to himself. All he could see were books. There were books of all sizes and colors, thousands of titles, and a giant desk in the middle of it all.

“Wow, where did you get all these?” remarked Mizuki in awe.

“Oh, this place used to be a library. It burned down in the year 532. Most of the books survived though. No one knows why,” replied Ryu. “I’ve researched with these books everything from the Uprising of Lucigo* to the Destruction of Atlantis**. I love reading, but I had to teach myself, tho’. I’ve never seen my parents.”

“Do you know what happened to them?” asked Mizuki.

“No, no one ever told me,” replied Ryu. “I wish I knew though,”

“Hmmm…” thought Mizuki, glancing around. “What else do you have besides books?”

“Well, my bow and arrow for hunting, a small dagger, and food. I also have this weird golden case. I don’t know what’s in it, though,”

“Can I see it?”

“Sure, I don’t see the harm,”

Mizuki followed Ryu into a small, dark room. This room was wet, with water dripping from the ceiling. Mizuki could feel some energy coming from the water. He stopped and charged up on water. Who knows when the next battle would be. He eventually caught up with Ryu. Ryu stopped in front of a large door. He pulled a lever and the giant, metal door opened. In this room was a wooden cabinet with food. There was a sheathed dagger lying on a small table, with a bow and a quiver of arrows.

“So where’s this box?” Mizuki asked, looking around the musty room.

“Hold on,” replied Ryu, as he pushed on a brick. A small doorway opened, and inside was a faint, golden glow. Ryu then climbed through and grabbed an object in the distance.

He got out and handed the box to Mizuki. Mizuki looked at the box. It was made of solid gold, and had odd writing written on it. Mizuki looked at the writing, “Only four will travel far, only four may live so far, this apocalypse must end now, find the sword that time will test, for only one can be the best,” Mizuki read aloud.

“How did you…” Ryu was cut off be an odd sound. The box glew with a giant light. It opened, very slowly. A giant flash of light engulfed the two. The light then stopped. “That…was odd,” said Ryu, amazed.

“That it was…what’s this?” Mizuki glanced into the box. Inside was a pendant. This was gold, also. It had a sword on the end of it. Mizuki picked it up and held it high. It than glew, penetrating the darkness with it’s light. It began to change shape, into a sword. “Whoa…” said Mizuki, amazed. The sword was very…bright. It had a nice, golden handle with a diamond in the middle of the hilt. The blade was made from hardened silver.

“Cool!” shouted Ryu. He grabbed the blade. “Ow! Owowowowowow!!!” he jerked his hand away from the blade. A burn had appeared on Ryu’s hand. “That’s hot!” he said, clutching his hand.

“Hm…” Mizuki thought. He grabbed the blade. “What are you talking about? This isn’t hot!” He swung the blade around. He sheathed it at his belt.

“That was hot when I touched it!” Ryu pleaded.

“Riiiiiiiight,” said Mizuki, sarcastically.

“Seriously!”

“Yeah, well,” Ryu was cut off by a shaking above them.

“What the-What’s going on?”

“How would I know?”

“Uhhhhh….You live here,”

“This hardly ever happens!”

“Hardly?”

“I dunno. Let’s see what’s going on!” Ryu ran out of the room. Mizuki followed. Ryu climbed up the rope with Mizuki still following.

“Wait up!” said Mizuki.

They emerged out of Ryu’s shack. A giant beast was attacking! The beast shot an odd laser beam out of its mouth and shot a hole in the ground. It saw them and charged up another beam.

“Ruuuuuuuun!” shouted Ryu, grabbed Mizuki and dashing off around a corner.


There. Please Review and stuff!

-I.S. ;212;

PS-Just so ya know, this is a little over 2 pages on MS Word.
okay, lemme be honest.

negative
1) practically no description
2) the dialogue is going towards the script side
3) it is a bit rushed

positive
1) i love the way the characters are so real
2) it shows a lot of planning
3) it could be a great book if you add in more description
4) well done

yeah, that is my review. i always give the negative 1st so that the positive cheers you up.

blingin g and renegade, act like mature people. don't flame each other in someone elses thread! oh and it wouldn't kill you renegade to be positive once in a while.

Ledian_X
9th January 2006, 5:36 PM
Well, I decided to come back and see how you've progressed in the story and well..to be honest it's not that great. I'm sorry to say that. It had a lot of potential in the story and please take this criticism well because all of us here believe it or not are trying to help you.

Now then, since that's out of the way I'll explain where things went wrong from my standpoint. I will agree with everyone that the story is rushed, there's a lack of description, te characters are two dimensional and sorry but there's no heart. Like Negrek said, the story has potential and it's a nice framework. But, it needs meat, you know?

Grammar, spelling and descrption are your main flaws and you really should work on that or else you'd get flamed and no one would read your work. Not said it's horrbile but do try to fix things. These things I refer to are things like numbers. Write out numbers. Instead of 123, you write one hundred and twenty-three. Any writer would tell you that.

Everyone else in this thread has pretty much said what I would say and I agree with them all. But, there's something that's buging me. The superpowers. I write superpowered characters and I had to reread what you've said.

Why is your main character's parents automatically accepting of the guy's powers? Why do they have automatic control over everything? Since these people are fledgling metahumans/mutants whatever, don't you think that they shouldn't have as much control over thier abilities? If I were the parents, I'd be scared.

And yes, the dialog is extremely rushed. You need to go into detail in terms of positioning and emotion. The characters don't stand out to me as well as they could. The story could stand to be a bit longer because it's rather short.

You need to describe things like powers, reactions to the powers the characters themselves had. If your character has fire powers, he'd be concerned about burning things, for example. The powers need to be more defined and explained. Character depth is keyy to a good story.

So, work on those and you should be okay.

LX

pisces_beedrill
10th January 2006, 10:50 AM
Why is your main character's parents automatically accepting of the guy's powers? Why do they have automatic control over everything? Since these people are fledgling metahumans/mutants whatever, don't you think that they shouldn't have as much control over thier abilities? If I were the parents, I'd be scared.

i agree with that. it is like you live in a homophobic society and you tell ur parents your gay, they don't accept it that fast...

Guitar dude bill
5th February 2006, 8:42 AM
Well, sadly, this isn't being updated. I just found out that Ice_scyther has left, and isn't coming back. So, sorry guys, he's just gone now. He told me. I've got proof if you want it. If you want to see the next chapters, I can link you to them.