View Full Version : A New Adventure In Hoenn (Rated PG)
30th October 2005, 9:41 PM
Hi! This is just based on Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald.
~A New Adventure In Hoenn~
Chapter 1: Trouble On Route 101!
As the sun shines over Hoenn, a glimmer of light goes through the window of a mahogany house waking a girl up from sleep. She opens her eyes revealing her drowsy red eyes.
“Hmm… what day is it?” She asks as she look at the calendar which says June 6.
“June… 6th? But that means…” After 10 seconds of silence…
Outside the House
“Ah what a beautiful day!” says a man as he walks past the house where he would be met with doom.
His ears were ringing for 3 weeks
Back Inside The House
“YES, YES, YES!! I’M TEN AT LAST!! GO KANA, GO KANA, GO KANA!!” The girl named Kana sang as she dances crazily, oblivious to the upcoming stairs until she tripped, rolling down the stairs, and was met face-to-face with the wall.
“Ow…” she groaned in pain rubbing her head.
This girl was known as Kana Yanazawa.
It was her 10th birthday which means she was legally able to become a pokemon trainer.
She got ready, brushing her short auburn hair and all that other stuff. She got dressed into a large blue T-shirt, a red cap with a pokeball symbol on it, jeans, and fingerless white gloves. She got her backpack filled with supplies, put on running shoes, and headed out to Prof. Birch’s lab which was where she was going to get her first pokemon.
“See ya later mom!” Kana said to her mother’s picture before she left. Her mother died a year ago in a car crash, so Kana was left to take care of herself. “I’m gonna become a pokemon trainer! I will be the best! You can count on that!” With that she locked the door.
“All right, now where’s Birch’s lab?” she wondered until she heard a cry for help.
“Help! Someone’s being attacked!!” yelled a frantic boy with standing in front of the entrance to Route 101.
“What’s going on?!”
“I’m not sure! I don’t have a pokemon yet, so I can’t look!”
“Don’t worry! I’ll take care of it!” Kana assured as she headed to Route 101.
“Help! Somebody! Anybody!!” said another frantic cry. Kana turned to see a man in about his 30s with brown hair, a beard, and a lad coat being chased by a Poochyena. The little wolf like pokemon with its messy gray fur, its fangs showing as he chased the poor man.
“Mister, ya need help!”
“What does it look like?! Yes, I do need help, and AAAH!!” the man yelled going up the tree trying to escape the angry pokemon.
Just then, a sudden thought came to Kana. “Hey! You’re Prof. Birch!”
“Yes and- is this really the time for introductions?! I need help!”
“How can I help?”
“There’s 3 pokemon in my bag,” Birch explained pointing to a brown bag, “Call out a pokemon, and battle the poochyena!”
Kana went to the bag as told and found the 3 balls. “But, which one?!”
“Pick anyone!!” said Birch trying as hard as he can, not to look at the poochyena who
was growling at him with anger.
“O-ok! I got one!” said Kana holding a pokeball, which was red on top and white on the bottom. “Pokeball, go!” she yelled throwing the pokeball.
The pokeball released a white light as it was thrown into the air. The light materialized into a small orange chick with yellow wings and yellow feathers at the top of its head.
“It’s a Torchic!” Kana exclaimed.
“Torchic-tor!” said the chick pokemon as it looks at its opponent, ready for battle.
~To be Continued…~
So? Is it bad? Good? Plz R+R! ^^ I’m sorry this is SO short!! But, I’ll try to make it longer, so look forward to that!
31st October 2005, 12:19 AM
I didn't see anything wrong. Description was good and decent.
The only problem I encountered was that it wasn't very original. I mean, i'm not insulting it or you or anything. It's just that the journey fic is getting over used, I mean this one that is, Bob gets a pokemon and blah blah blah.
I can actually see this fic go places if only you'd give it a bit more originality such as adding more characters, giving this girl a personality and just give your charactors a reality check and take them away from their usual form.
Other wise, I liked it.
As always, be kind to the mime.
3rd November 2005, 12:48 AM
Second chapter up!! Hope this is long enough for you guys.
Previously, Kana just turned 10, and met Prof. Birch who was being attacked by a wild Poochyena. She called out one of Birch’s pokemon which was a Torchic, a fire type pokemon. Now, Kana and Torchic must battle the wild poochyena.
Chapter 2: Rival Meeting!
“Grr…” growled the poochyena who launches a Tackle attack at Torchic.
“Torchic, dodge that tackle!” Kana ordered. Torchic jump out of the way, avoiding the tackle so it takes no damage. “Good torchic! Use scratch attack!”
“Tor!” cried torchic who lunged at poochyena revealing it claws, as it slashes poochyena weakening the dark type, but poochyena wasn’t down yet.
“GGRRRRAAAAWW!!!!!!!!!” yelled poochyena using growl which lowers the oppenent’s attack. Torchic winced at the growl, and its attack was weakened.
“Torchic, are you OK?” Kana asked concerned about the chick type pokemon.
“Tor-chic!” Torchic assured her standing up again.
“That’s good. Torchic, use scratch again!” Torchic beared its claws revealing them and lauches itself at poochyena scoring a direct hit.
“Alright! Torchic, use ember!!” Kana commanded. Torchic opened its beak and released a flurry of flames at Poochyena.
“Aarf!!” Poochyena cried running away signaling that it quits the match.
“Alright! We did it, torchic!” Kana said hugging torchic feeling its warmth.
“Torchic-tor!!” replied torchic.
“Excellent job!” complimented Birch from the tree. He got down, and went over to Kana. “That was a great battle.”
“Thanks!” said Kana still holding torchic.
“This isn’t the place to talk, so let’s go back to my lab.”
At The Lab
“Alright, you’re Kana right? It’s your birthday today, and you’re becoming a pokemon trainer,” asked Birch.
“Yes, I’m Kana Yanazawa. I’m 10 today.”
“Well, since you saved me, I’ll let you keep that torchic as your first pokemon.”
“Alright! This is great, right torchic?”
“Tor!” replied torchic happily now that it has a new trainer.
“Since it’s your birthday, I’ll give you another present to help start your journey,” said Birch handing Kana a small handheld computer.
“Wow! It’s a pokedex! Thank you soo much!!” Kana exclaimed taking the pokedex and putting it in her pocket.
Birch chuckled softly at the new trainer. “You’re welcome. Say, my nephew, Hiroto, is on Route 103, why don’t you go see him? He’s a pokemon trainer like you as well.”
“Well, ok. See you later!” said Kana going out the door after returning torchic to her pokeball.
As Kana went through the entrance to Route 101, she looked back at Littleroot. “Goodbye, Littleroot. Next time, you see me, I’ll be a pokemon master, I promise that,” she vowed to herself. She headed out to Oldale Town.
Kana arrived at the small town, and went to the pokemon center to have torchic healed after battling the wild pokemon on the way such as Zigzagoons and Wurmples.
“We restored your pokemon to full health,” said Nurse Joy handing Kana torchic’s pokeball.
“Thanks!” Kana went to rest at the lobby. She clicked the button on torchic’s pokeball and threw it in the air. “Come on out, torchic!”
The light materialized into torchic. “Tor-chic!”
Kana patted the fire type, a gentle smile on her face. “Oh, that’s right! I haven’t given you a name yet! Hmm…” Kana tried to think of a name, “How about… Blazin Blaze Torchic?”
Torchic just sweatdropped. –Err… How about ‘Blaze’ for short?-
Kana thought some more. “Ok, that works too, Blaze!” Blaze just sighed but help his smile just the same.
-Fine with me!- replied the chick pokemon.
“Alright! Let’s go to Route 103! Return Blaze!” Kana said calling ‘Blaze’ back into his pokeball. As she headed out the door of the pokemon center, Kana saw a man standing in front of the entrance to Route 102 holding a sketchbook drawing furiously with his pencil. The man wore glasses over his sapphire blue eyes, and had straight black hair. He wore black pants and a white polo shirt. Kana recognized him as Will Yamazaki from her pokemon school in Rustboro City. She ran over to him. “Hey, Will!”
“AAAH!! Stop right there, Missy!” Will yelled. Kana halted to a stop. “Don’t come one step closer!”
“Huh? Will, it’s me. Kana Yanazawa from school, remember?” Kana reminded him.
“Huh? Oh, hi Kana. Sorry, it’s just that…”
“I just found the footprints of a rare pokemon!”
“A rare one?”
“Yep! I’m trying to sketch this, so I can’t allow anyone to pass through here til I’m done.”
“It’s ok,” Kana assured, “I’m heading to Route 103 anyway.”
“Thanks, see ya!” Kana headed off again to Route 103 again after saying goodbye to Will.
“Finally! I’ve made it to Route 103 at last!” said a tired Kana.
“Let’s see… that’s found there, and that over here…” said a said a sudden voice.
“Huh? Who’s there?” Kana searched for the source of the voice. She went straight ahead deeper into the route until she found a boy in the grass. She slowly crept up behind her, and gently tapped him on the shoulder… “Hi, there!”
“AAAAH!!” The boy leapt up into the air in shock and turned to face Kana. “That’s funny. I didn’t expect anyone here.”
“Sorry to scare you. I’m Kana Yanazawa.”
“It’s ok. I’m Hiroto Hanasaki.” He introduced. Hiroto seemed to be about the same age as Kana. He had messy brown hair covered with a yellow hat that had a pokeball symbol like Kana. He wore a green shirt with a red open vest over it. He had bright green eyes, and he wore black jeans.
‘Hiroto…’ “Say… are you related to Prof. Birch?”
“Yeah, how do you know?”
“Well, he told me you were around here, guess he was right.”
Suddenly, Hiroto got a grin on his face. “Say, do you have a pokemon?”
Hiroto just grinned wider. “So? How about a battle to see who’s better?” That just earn a smirk from Kana.
“You’re on,” said Kana getting out Blaze’s pokeball.
“That’s the spirit!” Hiroto also got out a pokeball, “Go, Kip!” He threw his pokeball, and a blue pokemon appeared.
The mudkip named ‘Kip’ had a fin on its head, and his tail was also a fin. It had a sort of orange gills on each side of its head. “Mud-kip!”
Kana’s Torchic VS. Hiroto’s Mudkip
“This’ll be easy. Torchic’s weak against a water type like Kip,” said Hiroto wearing a smug smile that says ‘I’m gonna win.’
“You never know until you try. Blaze and I won’t give up so soon.”
“That’s the spirit, but anyway. Kip, use tackle!” commanded Hiroto.
Kip charged at Blaze attempting to weaken the fire-type.
“Blaze, dodge!” Blaze got out of the way in time to avoid the tackle.
“Grr… tackle again!” Kip charged at Blaze again like before.
“Distract Kip with growl!” commanded Kana.
“Toor!!!!!!” Blaze released a sharp growl that stop Kip trying to stop the noise, and lowered its attack.
“No, Kip! Break free of the growl!” Hiroto tried to break through but Kip was too distracted by the growl to hear its trainer’s orders.
“Blaze, use scratch!” Blaze showed his claws, and came at Kip, striking the water type with the sharp talons.
“Kip! That’s it. Time to pull out the big guns. Kip, use water gun!” Kip got up and fired a beam of water scoring a direct hit against Blaze. Since water gun is a water type move, it did extra damage to Blaze.
“Blaze! Are you ok?!” Kana yelled concerned about her friend.
“Looks like it’s time to call it quits, don’t you think Kana?” Hiroto said, that smug smile back on his face.
Kana scowled, but got a surprise to her when Blaze struggled to get back up on his feet. “Blaze?”
“What? How can you still be standing?!” Hiroto said shocked.
Blaze looked back at Kana. –Don’t forget, Kana. We’re a team!-
Kana then got a determined look in her eyes. “That’s right. We’re in this together, Blaze!”
Blaze nodded at his trainer and looked back at his opponent.
“Blaze, use ember!” Blaze shot a flurry of flames at Mudkip.
“Tch, fire-type moves are weak against a water type if you haven’t been doing your homework. Kip, water gun!” Kip shot that beam of water. The two elementals clashed, each pokemon trying to put as much force into their attacks to outdo the other.
‘Stay calm, pay attention to the battle,’ Kana thought, ‘I’m guiding Blaze through this. If we can give our all, I know we can win!’ Kana’s fire of determination in her eyes grew fiercer which made Hiroto sort of nervous from the sudden change.
“Blaze, use your strongest ember!” Kana commanded. Blaze put more power into the ember which broke through, and the elemental attacks vanished creating a small downpour of the blown up water gun. “Finish it off with scratch!” Blaze wasted no time, and rushed through the drizzle, striking Kip with its claws.
“Kip!” Mudkip struggled with all its remaining strength, but couldn’t get up. Mudkip was unable to battle.
“We won!” Kana cheered and took Blaze into a her arms, “We did it, Blaze!”
-Yep!- replied the fire type, happy that they won their first battle.
“Kip, are you ok?” Hiroto asked his little friend.
“Mud…” came a weak reply from the mudkip, assuring his trainer that he was ok.
Kana rushed over to them. “Is Kip all right?!” That statement made Hiroto confused.
“He isn’t hurt too bad, is he?”
Hiroto took a while to take in what she said. Not a lot of people would be worried about the oppenent’s pokemon. “….” Hiroto smiled, “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine after some rest.”
“Oh, thanks goodness!” Kana sighed with relief.
“Hey, you’re pretty tough. You just might have what it takes to be a good trainer.” Kana blushed at the comment. “C’mon, let’s head back,” Hiroto suggested.
“Ok!” The two headed back after a long day of excitement and surprises.
~To Be Continued~
Phew, that was a lot to type! Hope it’s long enough for your need.
Blaze: Man, I kicked butt!! ^______^
Right… anyway tune in for chapter 3!
3rd November 2005, 6:45 AM
I;m not god with reviews, so this'll be short. Ish. Well, I'm interested in it. Enough. I like it. Well, I think you should pay more attention to description. Some of them were choppy, some were bad, some, there were none at all. Don't tell us what's happening, show us. I'm getting tired of saying that. *grins* Okay, the grammar was okaa-y..... BU you could do better. (psst)Pokemon names are capitalized.(sssh) Other than that, length was okay. BUt I read it in about one or two minutes, so I guess you should take more time before posting the next chapter. But shortness is good! If it was too long, I would've not replied, and not read anymore. Just I think you should've made it longer. Okay, I'll get outta here before the rabid people who MIGHT hate me (Don't know any though), I guess I'm outta here then. I'll keep an eye on this, no? *salutes*
6th November 2005, 4:05 AM
Well, here's chapter 3. This has to be the longest and most boring one yet!
Chapter 3: Arrival in Petalburg & The Meeting of Wally
After the battle on Route 103, Kana and Hiroto went back to Oldale to give their pokemon a rest. “It looks like it’s gonna get dark soon,” pointed out Hiroto.
“Seems so. Hey, I got an idea! Why don’t we stay over at the pokemon center for the night, and head to Route 102 tomorrow?” Suggested Kana with a smile on her face.
“Okay, sounds like a good idea,” agreed Hiroto. The two trainers headed to Oldale, as the sky darkens signaling that it’s almost night.
At the Pokemon Center
“Here you go, you two. Your pokemon are in perfect health,” said Nurse Joy handing the pokeballs to Kana and Hiroto.
“Cool,” said Hiroto.
“Yeah, thanks Nurse Joy!” Thanked Kana. They went to the lobby to have some time to relax.
“Kana!” Yelled a voice.
Kana turned to see Will from earlier, “Hey, Will!” Will went over to them. “Did you finished sketching the footprints?”
“Yep! Sure did!”
Hiroto, completely confused asked, “What going on?”
“Oh, this is Will. He’s my classmate from Pokemon School with me. Will, this is Hiroto,” introduced Kana, “Will discovered the footprints of a rare pokemon!”
“Hi, there. I’m Will Yamazaki,” said Will, holding out a hand.
“You too. I’m Hiroto Hanasaki,” replied Hiroto, shaking his hand, “So, did you really discovered the footprints of a rare pokemon?”
“Yeah, I found the footprints, sketched them, and…” said Will.
“Yeah, yeah?!” Said Kana and Hiroto, anxious to know the result.
“… It turns out they were only my own footprints,” continued Will, which made Kana and Hiroto sweatdrop.
“Uh… well, there’s nothing wrong with trying, I guess!” Said Kana, still sweatdropping along with Hiroto.
“Oh, it’s almost time for dinner! Let’s get something to eat,” suggested Will.
The three of them had some dinner, and Hiroto brought up a new topic, “So, anyone got any plans for traveling?”
“Well, I live by myself, but I’m not sure on traveling,” Will said, “But, it would be nice to see new places and pokemon.” All of the sudden, Kana got an idea.
“Oh, I have one!” Kana exclaimed, earning two confused looks, “How about the 3 of us travel together?”
“Together?” Said Hiroto and Will in unison.
“Yeah! Just think about it! It could be fun! You know the saying; the more, the merrier!” Explained Kana getting a bright smile on her face.
“I don’t exactly have anything else to do… so why not? I’ll go!” Said Will cheerfully.
“What about you, Hiroto?” Hiroto glance at Kana who was giving him her cheerful smile, and felt himself blush a little, “I-I guess.”
“Yay! Then, it’s decided! We’re all going on our journey together! This’ll be lots of fun!” Cheered Kana, happy, “Where’s the nearest city?” Hiroto took out a map.
“Looks like if we go through Route 102, we’ll end up at Petalburg.”
“Then that’s where we’re going!”
“Well, let’s finish dinner first. Our food’s getting cold,” suggested Will.
The three of them finished dinner, and went to bed waiting for the next day.
In the Morning
Kana woke up to the bright shine of sunlight coming through the curtain windows of the bedroom. ‘Today’s the day!’ She get off the bottom part of the bunk bed, and woke up Hiroto and Will.
“Urg… Kana?” Said a drowsy Hiroto.
“Wake up! It’s the day!” said an excited Kana. Will woke up just then.
“So it is, eh?” Said Will wiping his glasses, and putting them on. The three of them got out of bed, got ready, and headed out to Route 102 making their way to Petalburg.
The gang has just arrived in Petalburg. “Why don’t we try looking for a gym? I heard when you’re in a town, you’re supposed to check for one!” Said Kana.
“Sounds like a good idea if we’re going to get some badges,” said Hiroto.
“Well then, let’s go!” Said Will.
“Wow!” said Kana in awe as they stand in front of the dojo-like gym, “Let’s go in!” They went inside, and came face a man with dark hair, wearing a red and black long-sleeved shirt, and jeans. “Excuse me!” The man turned to face them.
“Oh, hello there! Who might you three be?” He asked.
“Will’s my name!” The three introduced themselves.
“Do you know where’s the gym leader is?” Kana asked earning a chuckle from the man.
“Well, you see. You already know where he is,” earning three confused faces, “You see, I’m Norman, the Petalburg Gym Leader.”
“Oh well, it’s nice to meet you, Norman!” Said Kana.
“It’s my pleasure. So, I assume you guys want a gym battle?”
“Sure do. Kana and I were hoping to challenge you to a match sir,” explained Hiroto. Norman chuckled.
“Just call me Norman,” he turned to face Will, “What about you?”
“Oh, I don’t really have any pokemon. I’m just gonna watch.”
“I see,” he turns to face Kana and Hiroto, “In my gym, each trainers has to use 3 pokemon.”
“Err… well you see, we only have one,” explained Kana.
“We just started,” said Hiroto.
“I see,” Norman understood, “How about you travel through the rest of the region, catch some more pokemon, and when you guys get 4 badges, I’ll battle you?”
“Sounds good to me!” Kana said as Hiroto nods.
“Okay, now-“ Norman was interupted when a boy with green hair which were the same color as his eyes burst through the door.
“Norman, I need your help!” The boy cried. Everyone turned to face him.
“Wally, what’s wrong?” Norman asked.
“You see, I have to leave for Verdanturf really soon, but I want to get a pokemon first. I want to catch one, but I don’t have anything for catching one!” The boy known as ‘Wally’ yelled.
“Calm down, how about I lend you one of my pokemon?” Norman handed Wally a pokeball, then he turned to the trio, “You guys, is it okay if you go with Wally and make sure he catches a pokemon safely?”
“Okay, don’t worry! You can count on us!” Said Kana, and the four of them went to Route 102.
In Route 102
Everyone was searching inside the grass for a pokemon. Kana noticed that Will seemed kind of afraid of being in the grass, but her train of thoughts were interupted by a sudden cry.
Kana went to source of the scream to find Wally standing in front of a Ralts, and Will was hiding behind a sweatdropping Hiroto, “You wuss.”
“O-okay! Now, I have to battle Ralts in order in capture it right?” Asked Wally.
“Yeah! Use the pokemon Norman gave you!” Kana suggested.
“O-okay!” Wally took out the pokeball and threw it into the air, “I choose you!” The pokeball released a Zigzagoon, a tiny raccoon type that were pretty common. The Ralts released an ear-piercing growl that lowered Zigzagoon’s attack. “Oh, no!” Said Wally.
“This isn’t really a good start,” commented Hiroto.
“Zigzagoon, try using tackle!” Zigzagoon charged at Ralts with a head-on tackle, scoring a direct hit. “Yeah!” Cheered Wally.
Ralts wasn’t going to give in so easily as it released another growl. “Zigzagoon, finish it off with headbutt!” Zigzagoon charged at Ralts, and attacks using its head. It wasn’t as powerful because of the effect of growl, but it was enough to catch it.
“Throw a pokeball, now!” Yelled Kana.
“R-right!” Wally took out an empty pokeball, enlarged it, and threw it at the weakened Ralts. “Pokeball, go!” The pokeball hit Ralts, and absorbed the psychic-type with a red light. The pokeball shook once.
A third time…
With a beep, the pokeball stopped shaking signaling that Ralts was captured. “Yes!” Wally yelled, picking up the pokeball, “I caught a Ralts!”
“Congratualtions, Wally!” Said Kana.
“Now that that’s over, we should probably head back to Petalburg,” suggested Hiroto.
Back In Petalburg
“Ah, I trust you caught a pokemon?” Asked Norman.
“Yep, sure did!” Said Wally proudly as he handed Norman Zigzagoon’s pokeball. Wally saw the clock, “Ah! I gotta go!” He headed to the door, and looked at the everyone one more time, “Thanks for everything, you guys!” After that, he headed back home for his leave to Verdanturf.
Norman turned to the gang with a smile, “Well thanks to you guys, Wally going to be just fine. You know, he’s a pretty frail boy. He’s going to Verdanturf to improve his condition, and now that he has a pokemon, I’m sure it’ll get better for him.”
Kana, Hiroto, and Will exchanged smiles too. It’s good to know they made someone happy.
They said their goodbyes to Norman and continued their journey to the first badge.
~To Be Continued~
Sorry about this skim! ^^;; I'm just not good at battles.
11th November 2005, 3:39 AM
No replies... oh well!
Chapter 4: The Team Aqua Meeting
“So, where’s the next gym?” Asked Hiroto.
“Well, there’s one in Rustboro right where next to where Kana and I go to school!” exclaimed Will.
“Yeah! I remember Miss Roxanne is the gym leader!” said Kana. Will and Kana’s teacher, Roxanne is also the gym leader of he Rustboro Gym. Kana always got so excited whenever she showed videos of her gym battles, now to be able to battle her!
“Alright, so since Rustboro’s the nearest gym, we should go through Petalburg Woods and we’ll get there!” said Hiroto looking at the map.
“Petalburg W-w-woods?” stammered Will, his face frozen with fear at the thoughts of going through the dark woods.
“Are you scared?” said Kana.
“N-n-n-no! I’m not scared at all, see?” Will showed a wide grin to support his statement.
“Okay… well then, let’s go!” said Kana as she and Hiroto went through the entrance to the woods. Will took a deep breath and hesitantly went in.
In Petalburg Woods
“Boy, it sure is d-dark in here!” said Will. His face was just like the one Kana saw when they were in the grass helping Wally.
“What’s wrong with seeing a few bugs?” remarked Hiroto.
“N-nothing, let’s go on!” said Will marching ahead along with Kana and Hiroto.
“Say, we haven’t been doing much on pokemon catching, you know? Maybe while we’re here, we should catch some! We can’t go through our journey alone, right?” said Kana.
“You have a point there… why don’t we split up, and go catch some?” said Hiroto. Will gulped.
“Uh, split up? As in leave each other for a while? Each of us alone?” Will paled.
“Ugh, you wimp,” remarked Hiroto.
“Hmm… how about you go with Hiroto, Will?” suggested Kana.
“What? Why do I have to look after him?!” Hiroto protested. Kana just shrugged and smiled.
“Hey, that’s what friends are for!” Kana smiled and Hiroto just stayed silent.
“… Fine, I’ll take him.”
“Thank you, guys! I didn’t want to go alone!” cried Will.
“Whatever,” Hiroto muttered while Kana just giggled.
“Well, let’s head that way!” The gang headed around some trees when a frantic man in a green suit crashed into Kana.
“Ow, I’m so sorry! I’m in a big hurry and-”
“Whoa, slow down there! What’s the matter?” Kana asked getting up.
“Don’t worry about me. Say, have you guys ever seen the pokemon, Shroomish? Boy, I love Shroomish, and they’re my favorite pokemon-” he was interrupted when another man who looks like a grunt appeared. The grunt was wearing a black and white striped shirt and blue pants. He had a bandana with a bonelike A on it over his black and gray hair. His cold black eyes glared at the man in the green suit who was hiding behind Will.
“You there! Hand over those Devon Goods!” he commanded.
“I-I can’t do th-that! These are very i-important!”
“Well, then. You leave me no choice, but to take them myself!” He headed toward the cowering man when Kana blocked his way.
“Listen, I don’t know who you are, but leave this guy alone!” Kana yelled. The grunt just scoffed.
“Oh, really? What makes you think some kid can stop Team Aqua from getting what we want? Stand aside!”
'Team Aqua?' Kana thought. “Who are you!?”
“I am Hirosaya of Team Aqua! Now, move out of my way!”
“No way is that gonna happen!” said Kana.
“Yeah, we’re not gonna let you get this guy,” remarked Hiroto.
“What? You kids are gonna protect him? Well in that case,” he smirked, “How about a battle?” The grunt took out a pokeball.
“Fine then,” Kana said taking out Blaze’s pokeball, “You’re on!”
“Wait a sec, Kana you don’t know how strong this guy could be,” Hiroto warned. Kana gave him a determined smile.
“Don’t worry, Hiroto. I’ll be fine!” Kana assured and turned back to look at the Aqua grunt. “As for you, I accept your challenge.”
“Good girl,” the grunt threw the pokeball. “Go, Zubat!” The pokeball released Zubat, a blue bat with purple wings and small but deadly fangs.
“Zut, zut!” cried the poison and flying type pokemon.
“I choose you, Blaze!” Kana sent out Blaze, and the chick type was ready to battle.
“Tor-chic!” The chick chirped.
“Alright, Zubat use astonish!” Zubat charged at Blaze, preparing to strike with the ghost type attack.
“Grr… this isn’t over! Zubat, use supersonic!” Zubat released high-pitch sonic waves and Blaze got confused.
“Blaze, snap out of it!” Kana cried, but Blaze was too confused to listen to his trainer’s orders. Hirosaya smirked.
“Zubat, use astonish!” Zubat charged at Blaze and scored a direct hit.
“This is not looking good,” Hiroto muttered.
“I hope she’ll be okay,” worried Will.
“Blaze, try to snap out of it!” Kana cried.
“This battle is gonna be mine along with those Devon Goods. Zubat, use bite again!”
“Blaze, dodge!” This time, Blaze was able to break free of confusion and avoided the attack.
“Darn it,” cursed Hirosaya. “Zubat, use supersonic!”
“Not this time! Blaze, use quick attack!” Blaze strikes at Zubat with incredible speed and score a direct hit. Zubat fainted from the damage.
“Alright, you did it!” said Kana who embraced Blaze. –Yep, we did it!- said Blaze.
“Great battle, Kana!” complimented Will.
“You did pretty good, I gotta admit,” said Hiroto.
“Argh…” groaned Hirosaya, “This ain’t over yet, ya hear! Team Aqua will be back!” With that vow, he ran off.
“Thank you for saving me,” said the man. “Oh, I never introduced myself. My name is Junyra. Nice to meet you.”
“You too,” said Kana. Junyra looked at his watch.
“Aw, shoot! I gotta go.” Junyra ran off, “Thanks again, kids!”
“So Team Aqua, eh?” wondered Hiroto.
“Sounds like we should be careful about them,” remarked Will. Kana nodded.
“Don’t worry. When we meet them again, we’ll be ready.” Will and Hiroto nods.
“Anyway… let’s get back to catching some more pokemon,” suggested Hiroto.
“I thought we forgot about that!” Will exclaimed. Kana and Hiroto sweatdropped.
“Oh, come on! Do you expect us to enter the pokemon league with just one pokemon?”
“I’m sure Kip and Blaze wouldn’t want to carry the load by themselves,” Kana looked at Blaze, “Right?”
-Ya got that right!- Blaze agreed rolling his eyes.
“Anyway, let’s get going!” Kana said, and the three went off to get some more pokemon and go deeper into the chapters of their adventures.
~To Be Continued~
So, what do you think? Plz R+R!
Next chapter is pretty catching pokemon.
Blaze: And no flames allowed.
11th November 2005, 3:10 PM
Bakc for the review. Sorry I haven't reviewed sooner. I've been on and off Serebii for a while. BUt here's my review. It was okay, better than the previous chapters. But can still be better. Try to show us more of what's happening, not telling us. Ex:
In Petalburg Woods
“Boy, it sure is d-dark in here!” said Will. His face was just like the one Kana saw when they were in the grass helping Wally.
Show us what's happening.
And attacks are usually capitalized.
You put 'quick attack'.
I'm sure it's 'QuickAttack'. But I'm still not familiar with these things. So, I guess you're good. But remember these words. Well, I already said it. Still, take more time, don't rush it. If you need to take a week, take a week. Or a month. Just take your time. I guess you should also try to slow things down a little more while still showing us alot of things. Or show more things, and develope the characters. But you're going in a good track right now, so keep going and try to improve more and more. You could beocme big here.
22nd November 2005, 12:42 AM
“Okay, we’ll look around in the forest and catch some pokemon!” Kana said after returning Blaze to his pokeball.
“Let’s meet back in seven hours,” suggested Hiroto.
“That should be enough time!” Kana turned away from Hiroto and Will. “I’ll see you guys then!” she said with a smile. Will faced Hiroto.
“Well now then, shall we go?”
“Remind me again why I’m stuck with you?” Hiroto muttered.
“Hmm… I wonder where are the wild pokemon?” Kana muttered crawling in the grass. “Well, at least I have enough time to find some pokemon! How long could it take to find some pokemon in the woods?”
After 30 minutes…
“Okay, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.”
After an hour…
“Maybe they’re on lunch break.” Kana thought and decided to have some lunch with Blaze.
After an hour and a half…
“This is harder then it looks.”
Two Hours Later…
“Ugh!” Kana fell down on the ground in frustration. She looks at the sky with her hand over her forehead. “I know! Blaze can help!” she shouted standing up. She took out Blaze’s pokeball.
“Go, Blaze!” Blaze was sent out and greeted his trainer with a happy chirp.
“Wanna help catch some pokemon?”
-Sure!- With that, Kana and Blaze continued the search for pokemon! All of the sudden, a rustle was heard.
“What was that?!”
-I dunno, but it’s coming from over there!- Blaze said looking at a bush. A pokemon jumped out of the bush and faced Blaze and Kana. It was…
-You again?!- Blaze exclaimed looking at the Poochyena.
“You’re the wacky Poochyena that attacked Prof. Birch!”
-Who are ya calling wacky?! Yes, that’s me. Got anything to say about that?! Huh? Huh?!- yelled Poochyena, ticked off.
“Actually, I do,” said Kana. “How’d you get here?” Poochyena and Blaze did an anime fall and sweatdrop.
-Why you! I came all the way here, through crazy pokemon catching trainers and getting lost for revenge, idiots!-
-Hey, don’t call Kana an idiot! Even if she is kind of absent-minded, she’s still my friend!- Blaze defended.
“Yeah, and- I’m absent-minded?”
-Whatever! You guys shamed me in front of my own comrades last time we met! Now, I want my revenge!-
“The one time I find a pokemon, it had to be one that wants revenge. I searched like crazy til now…”
-It also had to be one that’s twisted.- Blaze said rolling his eyes.
-Hey! Stop ignoring me!- Poochyena yelled.
“Look, I don’t want to fight you, so Blaze… RUN!” Kana and Blaze ran past Poochyena for their lives.
-Hey!- Poochyena ran after them.
“Fine then if you want to fight, go Blaze!” Kana and Blaze prepared for battle seeing how Poochyena wasn’t gonna give up.
-Finally! You chickens are gonna fight!- Poochyena smirked.
-I’m only doing this to shut you up!-
“Alright, Blaze use ember!” Kana commanded. Blaze fired a flurry of flames at Poochyena. Poochyena wasn’t going to surrender so soon. The dark type launches at Blaze with a tackle attack.
“Counter with scratch!” Blaze charges at Poochyena. They both met head on with scratch scoring a direct hit.
“Alright finish with another ember!” Blaze used ember and scored another direct hit. Kana took out a pokeball and threw it at Poochyena. “Pokeball, go!” The pokeball absorbed Poochyena in a red light.
After one shake… two… three… the pokeball stopped shaking with a beep. “Alright!” Kana said holding up the pokeball. “I caught a Poochyena!”
-Yeah, one that hates us!-
“Aw, man… Well, let’s see how it is!” Kana sent out Poochyena. Poochyena took a look at his surroundings and saw Kana and Blaze. He remembered what happened. –Darn it… Captured…-
-Grr… guess I have to get used to you from now on, don’t I?-
“Poochyena… I know we didn’t get off to a good start, but I really want to be friends with you.”
-What makes you so sure we will be friends.- Poochyena scowled at her while Blaze was getting impatient with him. They were interrupted by Poochyena’s stomach growling. Kana giggled.
-Well, maybe a little.- Kana searched her bag and took out an aspear berry.
“I’m sorry if this isn’t what you like, but I can’t let you starve.” Poochyena took the berry and chewed it.
-No… it’s okay.-
-But…why would you do this for me after how I treated you guys?- Kana smiled at him.
“Hey… that’s what friends are for!”
-Yeah, we’re a team!- Blaze said.
“So, Poochyena…” Kana held out a hand, “Truce?”
Poochyena stayed silent for a while before giving a little a smile. He placed his paw on Kana’s hand. –Truce.-
“Welcome to the team!” They all smiled. “Oh, yeah! I haven’t given you a name! Hmm… how about ‘Kuro Ookami Poochyena’?” Blaze and Poochyena who is now ‘Kuro’ sweatdropped.
-Does she always give us weird name?- Kuro asked.
-Trust me. You’ll get used to it!- Blaze laughed.
The adventure continues with a new friend and as a new adventure unfolds.
~To Be Continued~
Next chapter: Catching a few more pokemon and getting to Rustboro.
Author’s Note: Sorry the battle with ‘Kuro’ was kinda rushed... ^^;;;
Facts: In Japanese, ‘Kuro’ means ‘Black’ and ‘Ookami’ means ‘Wolf’ so, Kuro + Ookami = Black Wolf Poochyena! ^.^
22nd November 2005, 1:27 AM
Hey? Guess what? you're....a natural!!!!!!!
This is awesome-ness!!!!!! Keep writing, it is awesome! I just think you should add a small plot twist! It's awesome!
2nd December 2005, 11:02 PM
“Kuro, use tackle!” Kuro charged at the blue bird pokemon with cotton wings called Swablu. He scored a direct hit and the flying type was weakened to a reasonable level. “Alright!” Kana took out a pokeball, “Pokeball, go!” She threw the pokeball and the object absorbed the Swablu. After a few shakes… the pokeball stopped shaking and Swablu was caught!
“Yes!” Kana took the pokeball, “We caught a Swablu!” She faced Kuro, “I couldn’t have done it without you!” Kuro gave a happy bark. Kana and Kuro have became good friends after some arguments. “Alright, return!” Kana put Kuro back in his pokeball and started to head out of Petalburg Woods.
“Rill…mar…” A weak cry was heard. Kana looked around for the source of the voice. It seemed to be coming from the bushes. Kana pushed some of the bushed and gasped when she saw an injured round water pokemon. “A Marill!”
“Mar…” It said weakly. Kana went over to it.
“Oh, you poor thing! Are you alright?” Kana asked. Marill opened its eyes and saw Kana’s concerned face.
“Mar?” Kana quickly looked through her bag and took out a potion. She held Marill’s hand, gingerly.
“Now, this’ll will hurt a little, but it’ll help make you feel better,” Kana said, softly. She sprayed some of the potion on Marill. The water pokemon winced at the small sting of the potion. Kana let go of Marill’s hand and got out some bandages. She wrapped some bandages around Marill’s hand and smiled. “There. After some rest, I’m sure you’ll be okay!”
“Mar…” Marill stared at Kana for a while.
“Marill, what happened to you that got you hurt?” Marill quickly stiffened and ran off into the bushes.
“Wait!” Kana cried, but Marill was all ready gone. “Come back… Oh, well…” Kana sighed, “Will and Hiroto must be worried. I hope that Marill will be all right…” She turned around and left, unaware of a pair of eyes watching her from the bushes.
“I wonder where Hiroto and Will are…” Kana wondered.
“Ten, use peck attack!” A sudden voice cried. Kana looked and saw Hiroto fighting a bug catcher. She sweatdropped when she saw Will hiding in the bushes. Hiroto had a small bird with black and white wings and a red face. That’s a Tailow! The Tailow called ‘Ten’ charged at a Wurmple, a red and green bug with round yellow eyes. Ten scored a direct hit, which knocked Wurmple out.
“No, Wurmple!” The bug catcher cried.
“Yes! You go, Ten!”
“Oh, well… Return Wurmple!” The bug catcher went over to Hiroto. “Nice match there! Maybe when you’re in the area sometimes, we could battle again!”
“Sure, I’ll look forward to that,” Hiroto said as they shook hands. The bug catcher left and Hiroto turned to face Ten, “You did an awesome job, Ten. Return!” Hiroto returned Ten to his pokeball, and has finally noticed that Kana was watching.
“Wow, Hiroto! That was such a great battle!” Kana exclaimed. Hiroto blushed lightly at that.
“Yes, that was pretty impressive!” Will said, coming out of the bushes.
“Thanks, guys…” They were interrupted when a trainer with messy silver hair and fiery red eyes. He had a Charmeleon He was holding… a whip? !
“Hey you! Have you seen a Marill around here? !” He said coldly.
‘Marill?’ Kana thought, remembering that injured Marill.
“No, we haven’t seen one,” Will said.
“Grr… oh, well. I’d better looking for that useless pokemon,” he grumbled.
“Are you trying to hurt that Marill! ?” Kana demanded.
“What is it to you? I can treat those worthless pokemon however I want, including that pathetic excuse of a pokemon! After all, I am Hyaku, the tamer!”
“You can’t hurt pokemon! That’s wrong! Trainers never do that to their friends!” Kana cried.
“Tch, what’s a little girl like you gonna do? Call the police?” Hyaku mocked.
“I hate selfish people like you! You shouldn’t even be a pokemon trainer!” Kana yelled.
“That’s right! Pokemon are supposed to be our friends!” Hiroto also remarked. Will nodded.
“Grr… you kids are to annoy me! Charmeleon, ember!” Hyaku commanded. Charmeleon sent a flurry of flames at the trio. Kana, Hiroto, and Will ran from the ember.
“Use another ember!” Hyaku yelled again. Our heroes tried to run again, but Kana tripped.
“Kana, look out!” Hiroto cried as the ember was fired at Kana. Kana awaited the pain, her eyes frozen until…
A sudden burst of water shot at the ember and the attacks canceled each other out. Kana looked to see that Marill standing in front of her.
“Marill!” Kana exclaimed.
“I’ve been looking for that weakling. Get in your pokeball, Marill!” Hyaku threw a pokeball at Marill, but Marill knocked it back with its round tail.
“What the heck?” Hyaku said, confused.
“It looks like Marill doesn’t want to go with you,” Will explained.
“Why that little!” Hyaku said, angrily. “You’re coming with me whether you want to or not!”
“How about a battle? We’ll battle each other for Marill!” Kana offered. Hyaku scoffed.
“Hah, a little girl like you can’t beat me! Go, Charmeleon!” Hyaku yelled, sending Charmeleon out.
“And, I’ll use-” Kana was interrupted when Marill stepped in front of her. “You want to battle, Marill?”
“Mar-rill!” Marill replied, nodding at Kana. She grinned.
“Okay then, I choose you, Marill!” Marill stood in battle position.
“Hah, I’ll beat that little runt!”
“I hope Kana will be okay…” Will worried.
“Don’t worry. I know she’ll win this,” Hiroto assured. Will observed Hiroto carefully.
“Alright, Charmeleon. Use ember!” Hyaku commanded.
“Marill, use water gun!” Charmeleon launched an ember and Marill shot a beam of water. The two attacks collided and canceled each other out, leaving a cloud of steam covering the battlefield.
“Where’s Marill?” Kana said, as she searched the field.
“Frustration!” A sudden command was heard when the steam cleared up. Charmeleon came at Marill with its claw glowing and struck Marill, hard.
“Marill!” Kana cried.
“What? Frustration shouldn’t have done that much damage,” Hiroto exclaimed.
“Don’t forget the effect of that attack,” Will said. Hiroto turned and faced him. “Frustration gets powerful the more the user dislikes its trainer.”
“I feel sorry for that tamer’s pokemon,” Hiroto mumbled.
“Marill, are you okay?” Kana said, worried about her friend. Marill got up weakly and nodded at Kana again.
“Grr… I hate people who don’t give up,” Hyaku scowled.
“I hate people who hurt their own pokemon!” Kana yelled.
“Whatever, Charmeleon use ember!” Charmeleon used ember again.
“Marill, defense curl!” Marill curled up into a ball and the ember bounced off.
“Grr… Charmeleon, frustration!” Hyaku commanded. Charmeleon charged at Marill.
“Marill, rollout!” Marill rolled at a high speed and scored a direct hit against Charmeleon, making Charmeleon miss.
“Ugh, you useless lizard!” Hyaku raised his whip and started to hit Charmeleon with it.
“Stop that!” Kana gasped as she watched Charmeleon cry out in pain.
“You’re hurting it!” Hiroto shouted.
“Charmeleon’s getting some serious injuries!” Will said in horror.
“Shut up, ya stupid brats!” Hyaku yelled and kept on beating it.
“That’s it! Marill, use iron tail on Hyaku!” Marill’s round tail started to glow brightly and charged at Hyaku.
“AAAH!!” Hyaku cried, clutching his arm as he let go of the whip. Hiroto quickly ran over to the injured Charmeleon and carried it away from Hyaku. “Hey, give me that useless lizard and the blue weakling!”
“No way! Not so you can hurt them more!” Hiroto yelled.
“Grr… you little brats!” He took out a gun! “Give up those pokemon and maybe I’ll spare your life!”
“We’ll never let you hurt them!” Hiroto yelled. Charmeleon weakly listened to everything, his eyes held a little astonishment that humans are actually protecting him.
“That’s it!” Hyaku was about to pull the trigger when…
“Vulpix, flamethrower!” commanded a voice. The trio turned to face a man with blonde hair and blue eyes in a police suit in front of a car. Next to him was a small red fox pokemon with 6 curled tails called Vulpix. Vulpix fired a blast of fire at Hyaku and knocked the gun out his hand. Hyaku screamed in pain as he clutched his burned hand.
The blonde man walked over to him. “Who are… you?” Hyaku asked and the police officer held out an identity card.
“I am Hitoshi, the police officer of Hoenn,” he said as he got out a pair of handcuffs. “And you’re about to do jail time.” Hyaku scowled as his hands were handcuffed. Hitoshi turned to face Kana, Hiroto, and Will. “Good job, kids. We been trying to catch this thief for months!”
“Thief?” Will asked. Hitoshi nodded and looked at Hyaku.
“Hyaku was not only a pokemon abuser, he was also a master thief. He would steal half of the money from the bank and pokemon from innocent trainers. Now, thanks to you, he’s finally caught. Thank you.” Hitoshi smiled.
“Pix!” Vulpix cried. The gang turned to see Hyaku trying to make a run for it.
“This happens every time. Vulipix, hypnosis!” Vulpix jumped in front of Hyaku and its eyes started to glow an eerie blue. Hyaku gasped before he fell down on the ground asleep.
Hitoshi sighed, “It’s a good thing I taught Vulpix hypnosis.” He grabbed Hyaku by the arms and threw him in the car really hard. “That oughta teach him!” he said as he clapped his hands together. The trio just sweatdropped. He and Vulpix climbed into the police car and drove off.
“Thanks again, kids!” Hitoshi said through the window until the car was completely out of sight.
Hiroto sighed, “Now that that’s over…” He was interrupted when the group heard his stomach growl.
“Oh, yeah… We never ate lunch!” Will sweatdropped as he scratched the back of his head. Kana giggled and Hiroto blushed.
“Don’t worry. I still have some lunch with me!” Kana assured and turned to face Charmeleon and Marill. “Would you like some too?”
Charmeleon and Marill were silent but nodded.
“It’s getting dark. Maybe we should just camp out today and continue toward Rustboro tomorrow?” Will suggested. Kana and Hiroto both nodded.
The picnic blanket was set and before they had lunch, Hiroto turned to face Charmeleon. “Hey, you’re still hurt…” Hiroto took out a super potion and held Charmeleon’s tail which had some scratched from being abused. “This’ll hurt a little, but you’ll feel better after this.” He sprayed some of the medicine and Charmeleon cringed. He got some bandages and wrapped them around some of the wounds.
Hiroto smiled, “That should do it.”
They ate lunch. Eventually, night fell and the trio fell asleep. Marill and Charmeleon sat away from them and stood in front of the burning campfire. Charmeleon looked at Marill with sorrow.
-Sorry for hurting you there, pal…- Marill smiled at him.
-It’s okay, you didn’t have a choice.- Charmeleon sighed with relief. Marill spoke up again.
-So what do you think of those humans now?- She asked. Charmeleon frowned.
-I don’t know. I don’t know if I can trust them.- Charmeleon said, unsure of his thoughts about them.
-Well… I trust them…- Marill said in a whisper.
Charmeleon scowled, -That’s what you thought when Hyaku took you in. What if those trainers are the same as him?-
-Yeah, but… When I’m with that girl… I feel all warm inside. Like… she can be trusted.- Marill said. –What about that boy? He healed you…-
-Well, yeah but…people can have a cover. A cover that hides who you really are… A cover that hides a person’s full of hate. That cover will fall off the more you spend time with him…That’s what happened to us. We thought we could trust the kind person. But, that was only the cover. We only trusted that person’s cover. We eventually got hurt from the real side of Hyaku…His side of hate.- Marill pats her friend on the hand.
-Not all humans can be trusted, but there’s always someone that you can trust, that you can call a friend…- Charmeleon thought about it. –What about you?- Marill asked.
Charmeleon looked at Marill. –Do you want to trust that person? Do you want a friend? Or… do you want to be that cold pokemon… who shelters from his heart from people…? Do you want to be a pokemon who’ll be cold toward the person… that you want to trust? That you want to be your… friend? Think about it…- Marill spoke wisely.
Charmeleon let out those tears. He cried tiny tears which soon started to flow freely down his cheeks. –I-I … want to trust that person… I want to find that person… who’ll… be my friend…I want to find him…- Charmeleon cried.
‘I remember…when I trusted someone…’
‘That’s it! You’re really getting the hang of using metal claw!’ A young Hyaku cheered and hugged the Charmander.
‘Char!’ Charmander smiled.
‘But that cover soon slipped away.’
‘Get up, ya worthless lizard!’ Hyaku screamed as he kicked the evolved Charmeleon. ‘You are so weak! I hate you!’ He cried as he gave the red lizard another hard kick.
‘But… then I met… them…’
‘That should do it.’ Hiroto smiled.
-I… want a friend… that I can…trust…- Charmeleon choked out.
-You really are nice, Charmeleon.- Marill smiled.
Charmeleon wiped away his tears and also smiled. –You haven’t changed either.-
Marill glanced at the sleeping Hiroto. –That boy… would you trust him?-
-Of course.- Charmeleon smiled as his final tear fell down.
‘I want…to find that person I can trust, and… I’ve finally found him’ was Charmeleon’s last thought before he drifted to sleep. His cold shield… is finally broken.
The gang woke up from their peaceful slumber. They got ready, ate breakfast, and prepared to leave the woods. “Yay! We can finally get out of here!” Will cheered.
“He’s happy that he’s finally get away from the scary wood pokemons,” Hiroto muttered.
“Hiroto, be nice!” Kana smiled and Hiroto blushed.
“Well, let’s get out of here!” Hiroto exclaimed. Kana faced Marill and Charmeleon.
“I guess this is goodbye, right?” She asked but got confused when they shook their head ‘No.’
“Huh? What do you mean?” Hiroto said, also confused.
“Hmm… I think that they want to come along with us, right?” Will thought. Charmeleon and Marill nodded.
“Really?” Kana said and smiled, “Well, why not? There’s always room for more friends!”
“Yeah, of course you guys can come!” Hiroto said. Marill smiled. Kana and Hiroto took out a pokeball. “Go, pokeball!” they said. Charmeleon and Marill willingly went in the pokeball.
“Alright! We caught a Marill and Charmeleon!” Hiroto and Kana said at the same time.
~To Be Continued~
Well, this is really the long chapter I have ever written! I almost cried as I typed up the conversation between Charmeleon and Marill. That part had to be a little angsty…
Well, stay tuned for the next chapter!
3rd December 2005, 4:14 PM
Another excellent chapter. This chapter was a little sad, though. Poor pokemon... Oh well, just don't let this fic become too cliche.
3rd December 2005, 5:07 PM
You could beef up the paragraphs a lot more and use A LOT more description than that. Instead of
Hyaku screamed in pain as he clutched his burned hand.
why not do
Hyaku screamed as the pain traveled up his arm and sank into the charred lump of black flesh that was once his hand.
If he was handcuffed, then that would hurt because his hand was burned, right?
10th January 2006, 7:17 AM
Hye. Sorry it took so long to reply. O well. It was a great chapter. sad though. Well, I agree that the paragraphs and the description could be beter, it's okay as it is. But if you want to be a very goo writer, you should work on it. But I like this story. Well, can't wait for the next chapter. But like I said before, take your time. As much as you need. Later.
22nd January 2006, 10:32 PM
Thanks for the reviews! I couldn’t have updated without them! Now, in this chapter, you will read about another one of my OC. This seems like a nonsense chapter… Please don’t flame this.
I’m going to change the way the pokemon will speak.
Chapter 7: Battle Twins and… Katsuya?!
We find our heroes heading out the entrance of Petalburg Woods after the joining of Marill and Charmeleon.
“Aah, out at last!” Will cried, falling onto the ground with tears of joy.
“You’re just happy to be out of the woods, away from the Pokemon,” Hiroto rolled his eyes. Kana just sweatdropped. They were interrupted by a sudden grumble and Will scratched his head.
“Heh, I’m hungry…”
“We just had lunch like an hour ago!” Hiroto yelled at him.
“I can’t help it!” Will whined.
“Maybe we should have lunch,” Kana said while Hiroto just looked at her in shock.
“Well, Will always used to eat a lot. Back in school, Will would have seconds, even thirds of lunch!” Will just blushed and scratched his head again.
“Fine…” Hiroto grumbled, seeing as how he was defeated.
They ate some of the leftovers until Kana spoke up, “Hey, maybe we should let out our Pokemon!”
“Good idea! I haven’t thought of names yet!” Hiroto agreed. Will gulped.
“They won’t hurt anyone, right?”
“Of course they won’t. It’s not they’re wild,” Hiroto remarked flatly. Kana and Hiroto threw their pokeballs.
“C’mon out, everyone!” they cried.
Kana sent out Blaze, Kuro, Swablu and Marill. Hiroto sent out Kip, Ten, Charmeleon and a new Pokemon Kana and Will had never seen before.
“Guys, meet Scyther,” Hiroto grinned. Scyther was a large green bug/flying type with sharp scythes for hands.
“Scy-ther!” Scyther cried as it raised its arms. Will hid behind Hiroto, terrified.
“Relax already, he won’t hurt you,” Hiroto muttered, annoyed.
“Welcome to the team, everyone!” Kana smiled. The Pokemon cheered and started to talk to each other.
‘C’mon, Charmeleon. This could be a nice chance to make friends and they’re all nice!’ Marill persuaded her friend into joining the greetings.
‘I dunno…’ Charmeleon said, uneasy.
‘Aw, pwease’ Marill pouted.
‘…Fine then.’ Marill and Charmeleon went to join the other fellow Pokemon.
‘Well, nice to meet you guys!’ Blaze and Kip smiled at everyone. Scyther was away from them, watching them all from a tree.
‘Hey, Scyther. Aren’t you gonna join in?’ Kip asked.
‘Do you really want me to…?’ Scyther asked.
‘It appears we found someone as stubborn as Charmeleon here,’ Marill teased.
‘I heard that!’ Charmeleon glared.
‘We want to join us, Scyther!’ Kip whined.
‘Yes,’ Blaze said.
‘Uh, yeah!’ Swablu spoke.
‘Really, really, really?’
-YES!- All the Pokemon yelled irritated. Scyther stayed silent but hesitantly stepped forward.
Kip held out a hand err… paw. ‘Nice to meet you, Scy-’ he was interrupted when Scyther took his paw and shook it really hard and fast.
‘NICE TO MEET YOU!’ Scyther yelled hyperly smiling in a sort of creepy way.
‘I-it’s ow n-n-nice to ow m eeet y-y-yoou ow toooo!’ Kip yelled while shouting ‘Ow’ from Scyther’s sharp arm poking him. Everyone including Kana, Will, and Hiroto sweatdropped.
Scyther finally realized what he was doing and stopped. ‘Hehe, sorry. You see, I always get kinda hyper at group meetings.’
‘Ooh, you do…?’ Kip said with dizzy eyes as he spun around and fainted. Blaze just rolled his eyes.
“Uh, maybe we should name you guys now…” Kana said and looked at Marill and Swablu. “Hmm…I know! How about I name you Cotton Hane Swablu and… Mizu Awa Marill?” Swablu and Marill who were now Cotton and Mizu sweatdropped.
‘Does she always give us long names?’ Cotton asked Blaze.
‘You get used to it!’ Blaze chuckled.
“Right. I’ll name Charmeleon, Kasai Nenshou Charmeleon and Scyther will be Ken Faita Scyther,” said Hiroto. Kasai also sweatdropped while Ken just smiled.
‘Fine by me!’ Ken cheered.
‘Uh, what he said,’ Kasai muttered when a rustle was heard from the bushes.
“What was that?” Kana exclaimed.
“I thought we got away from those woods!” Will cried. The figure came out revealing a green Pokemon with a large leaf on its head and dark green seeds on its neck. Hiroto’s eyes widened.
“Wow, it’s a Chikorita!” Will exclaimed.
“I thought they were found in Johto!” Kana cried.
“This is quite an amazing Chikorita!” Will shouted, “Its eyes are blue!”
“Those eyes…” Hiroto muttered in shock as he looked at the sky blue eyes of the Chikorita.
“Chi?” Chikorita also observed Hiroto. Kana and Will were confused as they watched the staring contest between Hiroto and Chikorita. Soon all the Pokemon joined in watching. No one even blinked or spoke for two minutes until…
“CHIKO!” The Chikorita exclaimed, jumping at Hiroto and giving him a hug.
“Hey, it’s nice to see you again too,” Hiroto smiled at the little grass pokemon.
“Rita!” Another voice cried and Hiroto went pale. Chikorita leaped out of Hiroto’s arms and went to a figure that came out of the bushes.
“Oh no, oh no, oh no…” Hiroto muttered with his face still pale. The other figure appeared to be a boy that appeared to be the same age as the gang. He had messy black hair that was bright red at the top and sky blue eyes like the Chikorita. He wore a red shirt with a flame on it and light brown pants.
“Oh, there you are, Rita!” The boy smiled, hugging the Chikorita. Then his eyes met Hiroto and he broke out into a huge grin.
“HIRO-BUDDY!” The boy tackled Hiroto who failed to run away in time. Kana and Will just stood shocked as they watched the newcomer give Hiroto a noogie with the Pokemon snickering in the background.
“K-Katsuya!” Hiroto tried to say or at least… breathe.
“Yes?” The boy named Katsuya said innocently.
“Do me a favor…”
“GET OFF ME!” Hiroto stood up, knocking Katsuya to the ground but also stood up smiling just the same.
“Uh, Hiroto? Mind explaining?” Kana asked.
“Well for starters… This is Katsuya, my cousin from Johto,” Hiroto grumbled, dusting the dirt of him. He just glared at his Pokemon who were still laughing at their poor trainer.
“Nice to meet you! Katsuya Yazawa at your service, but call me Katsuya! This is Rita!” Katsuya and Rita smiled and bowed.
“Nice to meet you too!” Kana and Will bowed back.
“I assumed you’ve been taking care of Hiro-buddy?”
“STOP CALLING ME HIRO-BUDDY!” Hiroto yelled. The Pokemon just rolled over in peals of laughter.
“But, it’s fun, Super Hiro!” Katsuya defended himself.
“Doh! Don’t call me that either!”
“But, I like the adorable nicknames!”
“AARRRRRRRGH! Let’s go already!” Hiroto stomped toward the direction of Rustboro City while the kids and Pokemon trailed behind him.
They kept walking along the trail after catching up to the fuming Hiroto and calling back his Pokemon. They went along the bridge, Hiroto leading the way as he wanted to get as far away from his cousin, ‘the idiot,’ as possible.
“Hee hee, Hii-ro hasn’t changed at all since we last met now has he?” Katsuya cheered.
“Eh? What do you mean, Katsuya?” Will asked.
“Well, you could say we were like brothers!”
A six-year old Hiroto was walking down the hall in his house in New Bark Town. All of the sudden, footsteps were heard. Hiroto turned around only to find nothing. He furrowed his eyebrows and continued walking with caution. He continued along his way until he went outside and sighed. “Phew…”
Suddenly, a figure tackled him from behind, sending Hiroto flat onto the ground, Katsuya grinned in success.
“Ha! Got you now evil Moon Boy of the apocalypse!”
“Get off!” Hiroto yelled.
Will just sweatdropped as Katsuya smiled joyfully at the memory. ‘So brotherly relationship is an arguing siblings relationship…’
“Halt!” A sudden voice commanded. The group stopped to see two girls that were the same age. They both had short hazel brown hair with amber eyes but one of them wore a baby blue dress while the other one wore a soft pink one.
“Are you going to Rustboro by any chance?” the pink one asked.
“Yeah,” Kana replied.
“Then we assumed that you’re going to challenge the gym leader, Miss Roxanne?” the blue one questioned.
“Yeah,” Hiroto said.
“Well to see-,” the pink one started.
“If you’re worthy-,” the blue continued.
“Of a gym battle-”
“And the badge-”
“You will have to-”
“Face us in a-”
“Double battle!” The twins finished at the same time.
“Double battle?” The group asked at the same time.
“Oh! I heard about those in school! It’s the one where trainers use two pokemon at once, right?” Kana said.
“Yep!” the twins grinned.
“Sure, I’ll battle you guys!”
“Good,” the twins said.
Katsuya spoke up, “Well, could we at least know the names of you lovely ladies before we start?” The twins just blushed seeing him.
“Well… I am Katori!” The pink one introduced.
“I am Kanomi!” the blue one said.
“Yeah, yeah. Just let us through,” Hiroto muttered and the twins face-faulted. Hiroto walked between them.
“Hey! We just said you have to battle us!” Katori yelled.
“Get back here!” Kanomi shouted. Hiroto turned about and glared fiercely at the twins, which scared Will and Kana while Katsuya was just smiling.
“How can you be s-so c-c-calm?” Will asked Katsuya.
“Oh, don’t worry! I’m used to this!” Katsuya said and laughed while Will sweatdropped.
“Look you. I’ve been tackled to the ground, laughed at by my own Pokemon, and I don’t need you two to make it worse!” Hiroto stormed off.
“Hmm… Odd. I thought boys don’t back down from challenges,” Katori said thoughtfully. Hiroto paused his steps.
“You’re right, Katori. Maybe this boy doesn’t really understand the meaning of manliness,” Kanomi pondered. Hiroto gritted his teeth.
“What – did – you – say?” Hiroto muttered through his clenched jaws.
“Or maybe… he isn’t a man at all!” Katori concluded.
“I believe you’re right!” Kanomi agreed. Hiroto stomped back over to them.
“Oh! Can I referee?” Katsuya exclaimed. Everyone sweatdropped.
“Why?” Hiroto asked.
“It looks fun! Pleeeaase!” Katsuya pleaded.
“OKAY!” Hiroto yelled.
Kana and Hiroto stood on one end of a part of the bridge while the twins stood on another. The twins each took out a pokeball.
“Go, Butterfree!” Katori cried.
“Come out, Beautifly!” Kanomi yelled. They threw their pokeballs in the air, releasing two bug type Pokemons.
Butterfree was a blue butterfly Pokemon with clear white wings, longs light blue legs, antennas, short light blue arms, and large red eyes. Beautifly was a bug type like Butterfree with vivid color wings of red, blue and yellow and clear blue eyes.
“Go, Ken!” Hiroto released his Scyther.
“Let’s go, Blaze!” Kana released her Torchic.
“This will be a double battle between Kana and Hiroto versus Katori and Kanomi with no time limit. Now… trainers, begin!” Katsuya raised both his arms as a signal to start.
“Gust!” the twins cried. Butterfree and Beautifly raised their wings and let out a powerful gust of wind.
“Ken, use swords dance!” Ken quickly positioned himself in front of Blaze and crossed his scythes-like arms in front of him. He spun around with amazing speed with focus. The swords dance repelled the gust attack back at the two bug Pokemons, blowing them away with their combo attack.
“Blaze, use ember on Butterfree!” Blaze spouted the flurry of flames at Butterfree, scoring a direct hit. Beautifly and Buterfree wasn’t down yet.
“Wow, they’re strong,” Katori murmured.
“This’ll be an interesting battle,” grinned Kanomi. Little did they know, a figure standing at the end of the bridge was watching and smirked.
“Indeed it will be.”
To Be Continued
Just so you know… I mean the part of the bridge that is horizontal in Ru/Sa/Em.
18th February 2006, 2:03 AM
Hello. This was a good chapter, and I comment you for not giving up. But I have one suggestion, unless they're really that important, I suggest that you don't keep adding characters. You will soon be faced with more and more Pokemon and people to characterize, and that may be kinda... confusing. But, it's still a good chapter.Your work is good and improving, the grammar was good, no speeling mistakes I saw, and discription is muy muy better than when you first began. I apologize it took so long to review, I hadn't noticed there was a new chap until I was searching the forums. And I was probably lazy. Well,I guess I'll be off. Good luck, and good job.
18th February 2006, 2:36 AM
Yes, I agree with Levi. If you're going to keep adding characters, make sure you start getting rid of them soon. This is the first time I've read and reviewed this so I'll go over it in general terms.
-Typically, fics that are based off of the games/shows never make it this far. I'm glad to see this one persevere, and it's not a complete clone of the games.
-"Pokemon" is always capitalized, and it is its own plural.
-This became a smaller problem as the fic progressed, but all Pokemon names are capitalized. In the first few chapters, you didn't capitalize "Poochyena", but after you gave all the Pokemon names this problem pretty much disappeared.
-Your battles are mostly dialogue. Paragraphs in battles aren't usually longer that a line or two, but it's still a good idea to describe the battle more. Instead of saying, "Blaze used ember", you could say something like, "Blaze shot forth a stream of red-orange bullets from his/her (didn't catch the gender, I gotta read more carefully) small beak." See the difference?
-You're getting better at description, but it's still lacking. It's like you're almost there, you just have to put a tiny bit more into it :)
To break up that huge block, I'm going to say you're giving your characters great personalities. When I read journey-fics, I tend to find very robotic and rigid characters with no personality whatsoever. Somewhat less commonly, some fics' chars consistantly change their personality throughout the chapters. It all gets very confusing... I'm glad to see this one doesn't follow those lines.
One last note - it's bad to call a trainer by their GB name (i.e., Bug Catcher). It destroys the fic's creativity. I think you only did this once, so it's not a big issue.
I'd write more but I'm hungry and tired so I'm getting off the comp. Keep writing!
3.8/5 so far.
15th March 2006, 6:25 PM
That's better then anything I could do! Keep them coming!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.1 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.