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josh09
4th November 2005, 12:51 AM
okay i worked for about an hour on this i could not find a better name thatn dukky. consructive critisism only.

Chapter 1

Dukky awoke. He checked his clock. It was 7:00 am, the perfect time to go get his pokemon. Dukky ran down the stairs. Eager to get to breakfast so he could get to Prof. Cedar’s lab. Dukky pulled open the kitchen door, his slightly pale face full of confidence shining in the doorframe. His mother said “good morning. How did you sleep?” Her slightly wrinkled face radiating happiness. Dukky responded, “good. I want to get going as soon as possible.”

“So Dukky, which Pokemon are you going to take?” his dad said. His aged face full of cheer. “I don’t really know. Professor Cedar always has rare pokemon to give.” Dukky said while combing his red hair. “I mean last year he had a Dratini and a Beldum.” Dukky said as he swallowed a bagel. His mom said “well I’m sure you’ll do great.” Dukky then grabbed his pack, and sprinted out the door “I’m off” he said.

Dukky’s mother watched happily as he sprinted to Professor Cedar’s lab. She said, “wow one minute your changing their diaper, the other their starting their own pokemon journey.” “yah.” Said his dad. Then his mom spotted a Golem rolling down a mountain. It slammed into a tree, and the massive oak was coming down, straight for Dukky! She ran out the door. “Dukky watch out!” she screamed. Dukky saw the tree coming down. He froze. But just in time is mother pushed him out of the way. The tree crushed her, killing her instantly. “No!!!!” screamed Dukky.

Everyone from town came in to pay their respects. Dukky and his dad were sobbing. As the coffin was lowered into the hole, the tombstone with the imprint Gale Aroheim, Mother, Wife, Friend was put into place. And as Dukky and his dad got home, Dukky got into bed and cried himself to sleep. In a dream Dukky saw his mother coming towards him. She said, “Dukky, I know this loss has saddened you, but you must trudge on.” Dukky said “what?” She responded, “get a pokemon and go on your journey!” Dukky woke up he said “ok mom.”

Dukky got his pack on, and began walking towards the Professors Lab. He had tears in his eyes. He rang the door bell. A frail old man answered the door. “oh Dukky, I’m terrible sorry about your mother.” Said Professor Cedar.

“Its okay. Listen I’m here to- ”

“Yes I know, and I have a pokemon who knows what you’re going through.”

Dukky was puzzled. How could a pokemon know what he was going through? The Professor led him through the corridor. He opened a door to a Craggy Rock environment. There he saw a Cubone. The Cubone was sobbing madly. The Professor said, “ He recently lost his mother. I found him crying on the brick path. “Ill leave you two to bond.” He left the room. Dukky approached the Cubone.
“hi.”
Cubone just sat there sobbing.
“Listen Cubone, I know how you feel” Dukky said
Cubone looked up “cu bone?”
“I lost my mother two weeks ago.”
“cu bone bone” the pokemon replied
Cubone got up and hugged Dukky.
Then The Professor came and shook Dukky’s hand
“Congratulations!” he said.
Then Dukky left with Cubone at his side.

Klaus
4th November 2005, 4:13 AM
O.O;;;;;;;; um......okay.

Well, this felt a tad bit rushed. And, well I'll get to it in a moment.

First: You need description, it's vital to a fic. I don't know what this kid lookes like.

Second: IT's toooooo short, but be atleast a page or two long.

Third: THe part that just kind of scared me. Out of a sudden a golem comes, knockes down a tree and the tree falls on his mother and kills her. I'm sorry, but it was kind of just added out of no where. You kind of need to put a tad bit more to it. When I read it, it was like reading this:

They were walking along and a rock fell on him.

It was really abrupt. I know you made some feeling, just add a bit more and if absoulutly have to kill someone in a fic, add alot more feeling. Gosh, we don't even know what the parents look like.

Hope this helps.

As always, Run Taylor Save That TREE!

Pinecone Tortoise
4th November 2005, 8:14 AM
Hey.

Umm, a lot of this confused me. Why was there a Golem that knocked the tree down? Why did Cubone hug Dukky and go with him? How young is Cubone? And with formatting, people generally like to see speech with capital letters at the start and on a different line to the rest of the story.

"Like this", said the reviewer, in an attempt to be helpful.

And the review wound on... I like Cubone, so points there, as long as its not a tokenistic inclusion.

Another point, the transition from the 'tree on mother' scene to the 'funeral' scene was too abrupt. If you were trying to make it abrupt, even a line of '++++++++++' in between the paragraphs helps.

But keep writing. This story could really go somewhere. Just keep in mind that people who have lost parents are normally traumatised, withdrawn and unstable. Good luck!

Piney.
;204;;324;

Shadowcat
4th November 2005, 8:30 AM
It's rushed. And when someone is speaking, please do something like this:



“hi.”
Cubone just sat there sobbing.
“Listen Cubone, I know how you feel” Dukky said
Cubone looked up “cu bone?”
“I lost my mother two weeks ago.”
“cu bone bone” the pokemon replied
Cubone got up and hugged Dukky.
Then The Professor came and shook Dukky’s hand
“Congratulations!” he said.
Then Dukky left with Cubone at his side.

Edits:
“Hi.” Dukky said to his Cubone. His Cubone just sat there sobbing.

“Listen Cubone, I know how you feel.” Dukky said, trying to help his Pokemon out.

Cubone looked up and cried, “Cubone?”

“I lost my mother two weeks ago.” Dukky said to his starter.

“Cubone, bone!” The Pokemon cried, trying to cheer his trainer up. Cubone thought for a while on how to cheer his trainer up, so he/she got up and hugged Dukky.(I don't know what gender is Dukky's Cubone, since I'm not the author.) The Professor then came up to the duo. Seeing Cubone happy at last, he gave Dukky a smile.

“Congratulations.” He said to the duo. Cubone let go of Dukky, walking by his side. Dukky left the lab, with his Cubone by his side.

~End of Correction~

That's all I can do. Others can help you way better than me. I'm just editing the last part of your chapter. Also, please make chapters longer. It has to be a page long on Microsoft Word, and do not type it in the text box itself. Also, use Spell Check, to check your spelling.

Anyways, when people talk, between the " and ", please use capital letters when a speech begins. Also, 'I'll' is not spelt: 'Ill'. Now, I'll try to correct some more.

~Espeon~
17th November 2005, 5:09 PM
what are you talking about?

Yami Ryu
17th November 2005, 8:10 PM
Alexander of the Cubone; it's called reviewing. Learn what that is then come back. Spamming just makes you look stupid D: and that's not good now, is it?

Lets see. Five Paragraphs. So short and rushed. Little to no description of the characters it looks like, no emotional depth either, so shallow characters ontop of a tacky plot and bad description, scripting near the end because I'm assuming that the author got too lazy to even use the enter button or do another paragraph.

All in all solutions for these problems would be to actually work at the next chapter, or maybe even read the Advice thread.