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Metallic Mantis, Reborn
4th November 2005, 10:58 AM
Prologue: So Close, and Yet So Far

Night falls on the small, peaceful town of Pallet. It is almost 10:00, so most of the population has fallen asleep. But in one house, the light is switched on, and sound is blaring from a semi-open window.

"Come on Machamp! You can do it!" shouted a young boy of about eleven. He had golden hair, tinged with dirty blond here and there. He was tall, about 5'1", but was on the skinny side. At the moment, he was screeching and yelling like a Primeape with its head stuck in an oven. “And Pidgeotto uses its wing attack!” the TV announcer blares “This could end the match!” “Come on Pidgeotto! You can wipe out that four armed freak in Spandex shorts!” Pidgeotto’s trainer yelled as the bird Pokemons wings glowed light blue, then Pidgeotto sped off towards the four armed beast on the other side of the field. “Machamp, use your Endure attack! Show that turkey who’s the BOSS!” Machamp’s trainer commanded. The Superpower Pokemon grunted its approval, then put all four arms in front of it in a defensive position, then started glowing blood red. Conor held his breath as he watched the camera zoom out, showing the entire battlefield. Pidgeotto was a small, cream and brown speck below, where as Machamp’s four muscular arms looked like sticks. As Pidgeotto zoomed towards Machamp, Conor threw caution to the winds and started to scream. He was cheering Machamp on so loud, that he didn’t notice a woman open the door, come in his room, close the door again, then pick up the remote and switched off the TV.

Instantly Conor was quiet. Then a split second later, he spun around. “MOM!” he yelled “I WAS WATCHING THAT!” His mom, a woman of about 30, with bright red hair and a willowy figure, just laughed “Ah-ah-ah, you do notice you used the word ‘was’ “she said in a mocking way, the corners of her mouth twitching. “SO?!?!” yelled Conor “The word ‘was’ implies that you are talking about the past. So I agree, you WERE watching that, but now, you aren’t. True?” she smirked. Conor thought this over a few moments, and then said “But it still ISNT FAIR!” His mom laughed again “Life’s unfair. If you’re so bent about watching TV, then watch this.” She pointed the remote at the TV.

An elderly man wearing a lab coat and standing in a laboratory flickered into life. “Hello all you Pokemon rookies out there! I’m Professor Oak, the leading Pokemon authority in these parts. Tomorrow, I will be offering anyone above the age of 11, start there journey through Kanto off professionally! If you come to my lab on the morrow, I’ll give you one of these three Pokemon: Bulbasaur,”a picture of a frog like creature with a bulb on its back appeared at the top of the screen, “Charmander,” A small, bright yellow-orange lizard with a small flame took its place next to Bulbasaur, “or Squirtle” A tiny but adorable turtle appeared next to Charmander. The big surprise this year is that the Charmander we found was Shiny, meaning it is alternately colored and has better stats than the others. The consequence of course is that if you’re late, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait till next year!” he garbled off. Conor rolled his eyes “ON THE MORROW! Where does this guy think he is, the Middle Ages!” He grabbed the remote and switched the TV off.”

I wonder which Pokemon I’ll choose. Maybe Bulbasaur, he looks pretty strong. But of course, Charmander will have moves like flamethrower or fire spin. On the other hand, Squirtle will be pretty-” His mom cut through his musings “Alright Conor, you don’t even know if you’ll get a Pokemon. Go to bed.” Conor protested “But I don’t WANNA go to bed! To think that in 24 hours, I’ll be camping out under an open sky, with a glass of ice-cold water from my Squirtle. Or possibly roasting some marshmallows with my Charmander. Maybe me and my Bulbasaur will be laughing as I watch him frighten sleeping Pidgey with a well-aimed Razor Leaf. I could be-” His mom interrupted again. “Go to bed, and maybe you’ll dream what you’ll do on your journey.” Conor listened, climbing into his bed and pulling the covers up to his chin. “I’ll miss you mom, but I promise to visit a lot!”he said as his mom laughed at this remark “You better win to support you’re mother I could retire early!” she thought out loud. She was still muttering things like“not that I’m old, but youth doesn’t last forever” and “I don’t thing Pokemon battle winnings are taxed, but those taxmen” as she walked out the door.

Conor suddenly felt so tired. As he fell asleep, he though over all the choices. Squirtle…Charmander…Bulbasaur. When he did fall asleep, he dreamt off him standing in front of a table with Squirtle, Bulbasaur and Charmander. Faceless people were chanting “Which one?Which one?”

Please read, rate and review!

Pinecone Tortoise
4th November 2005, 11:44 AM
Umm, please don't let your character get the shiny Charmander. It would be simply too cliche. And some of the banter between the trainers and Conor and his mother seemed too long winded. "that four armed freak in Spandex shorts!" is simply too wordy for the fast paced battle situation. In my opinion at least.

Good luck.

Piney.
;204;;324;

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
4th November 2005, 12:05 PM
Sorry, i know im horrible. Ill try to be more descrptive of the surrondings.
;152;:Yeah Mantis, you SUCK

-_-;;;

---POST MERGE---

And cuz you are THE FIRST PERSON to ever reply to me, ill tell you that no, the trainer doesnt get the shiny. Chapter 2 up soon!Like, today

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
4th November 2005, 1:21 PM
(Because I was rated SO LOW, with good reason, on my fic, Ill try to make it better. Its just that I describe to much. I’m trying to add some comedy, as you will see, and possibly some romance later)

Chapter 1: To Be A Master

When Conor got up, sun was streaming through the window. He looked at his digital clock. It read 10:37 “Oh s**t!”he yelled, jumping out of his bed “God damnit, I OVER SLEPT!”He put his tan cargo pants and and blue shirt saying “Electabuzz Baseball” on it. His mom was at work in the Safari Zone, but he had no time to leave a note. He grabbed an orange and a bottle of water from the fridge, before sprinting out of the door and up the dirt path. He already had a stitch; he had changed from sleep to all out run-for-your-life-if-you-wanna-be-a-trainer mode in about five seconds. He managed to half hobble, half run to Oaks lab, which was at the top of a small hill. Lots of people were outside the building, crowding around to see who got what trainer got what Pokemon. He pushed through the crowd recklessly, earning him a couple of dirty looks, and a whack with a cane from and elderly woman. “Sheesh, and they say KIDS are getting more violent” Conor muttered as the woman melted back into the crowd. Finally he reached the sliding doors, and stood in front of them, waiting for them to open. They did, and when he had stepped through and the doors had closed again, all sound was cut off.

He looked around. A strange device with ruby-red dome and flashing lights was in the upper left corner. Shelves upon shelves of books with names like “Zangoose and Seviper: Blood Feud or DNA Rivalry?” and “1001 Ways to Befriend and Command Stubborn Pokemon”. lined the wall. “Wow, talk about the mad scientist!” Conor chuckled softly. At the far end of the lab, a girl of about 11 and Professor Oak were talking. Curious, Conor ran to them “…I’m surprised he didn’t pick the Charmander, it WAS the most powerful” Professor Oak said. “Yeah, well just because HE wasn’t smart enough to know good from bad, that’s HIS problem.” the girl snorted derisively. “Ah! I see we have our third, an possibly final, rookie trainer!”Oak had FINALLY noticed Conor “What the hell! I thought ya said that whoever comes, gets!” Conor said, alarmed. He had come so far… HE HAD TO GET THAT POKEMON! “Well, er, the show you saw last night, I’ve been using for over 20 years…” Oak said embarresed. Conor was shaking his head “And I thought we just had bad reception…ok, so the shows, um, prehistoric. How does that effect ANYTHING?!?!”Conor asked, somewhat rudely. “Well, THIS years trainers have to pass a test to be able to become Pokemon Trainers, because of the SHABBY results off previous ones.” Oak replied, his voice, which was usually calm and father like becoming snappish. “The test is simple. Defeat another Pokemon which has a type advantage to yours! Theres only one Pokemon left, so use it!” Oak chucked a Pokeball at Conor with surprising force. Conor almost missed it. He threw it onto the ground, and out popped a… “Bulba-SAUR!” his Bulbasaur said happily. Oak smiled slightly “It seems to like you. Give me a few seconds to pick your opponent!” Conor, being caught up with his tussle with Oak, hadn’t noticed the girl next to him. She was tall for her age,though not as tall as Conor, and had white-blond hair. She was wearing a light blue skirt, with a Pokeball in winter-green on the front. Her top was white, and she had a small, black handbag. She looked sort of shy when she saw Conor, but Conor did not, at the moment, understand why.

“Finished!” said Oak, and Conor tore his eyes of the girl. “Oh! You obviously haven’t met Cerys, have you? She’s my friends daughter, you see.” Oak smiled. “Well, your opponent will be a Spearow, not to tough, but good enough to give you a challenge! Ok, let the battle begin!” Oak pressed a button on the machine, and a Pokeball shot out. A small bird appeared in a flash of red light.

“Spear…OW!” it screeched. “Let’s get this started!” Conor yelled. “Bulbasaur, I choose you! Man that is SUCH a cliché…”Conor said as he tossed Bulbasaur’s Pokeball into the air. Cerys was watching him with interest. “Ok Bulbasaur, use your vine whip attack!” Conor yelled. Bulbasaur obeyed, sending two thin but string vines at the Spearow. Amazingly, it seemed to so critical damage. “Ha!This is easier than I-”Conor was cut off as the Spearow let off a piercing scream. “Ugh..I should have THOUGH he would try to lower my defenses…no matter…BULBASAUR, use Tackle now!” Bulbasaur glowed briefly white, then crashed into Spearow, KOing it. “YEAH!Bulbasaur, we did it!” Conor jumped up and down in joy. Oak smiled. “You are strong in spirit and body young one. Live long, and prosper” Conor’s eyes bugged out, then he muttered, “Thanks, Captain Kirk” then said in a normal voice “Thanks for everything, Professor. Well, I gotta be going.” Conor was almost at the door when Oak said “Wait! Hold on!” Conor, although grumbling, consented. Oak looked at Cerys, then at Conor, then said “Cerys, I want you to travel with Conor throughout Kanto. Ever since Team Rocket broke out again, I’ve felt less and less safe. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, so its for your own safety.Ok? Oh, I almost forgot. Here are you're Pokedexes, they're Pokemon databases, and these are Pokeballs, which allow you to capture more Pokemon” Oak said gravely, passing the equipment to Conor and Cerys. Cerys nodded. “Ok” Conor says (I feel a dumb cliché coming) “Well, lets get this party started!”

End of chapter 1

Dilasc
4th November 2005, 6:21 PM
My god! Stop double posting! Seriously, these chapters are very short, and stop abusing random smilies like that for no reason.

Before anything, make longer chapters and stop double posting.

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
4th November 2005, 7:11 PM
im sorry...ill never post again...im to sad
I HATE THE WORLD, AND THE WORLD HATES ME WAAAAAAAAAAAhH!

Sorry about that, its just im very new here and i dont really understand some stuff. You're right, i SHOULDNT be double posting,and I know now that ive been stupid. Well, i dont think i really WANtT to write the fic anymore...every1 hates it obviously......SO SAD

By the way, about the chaps, i try to make them about one page long on Microsoft Word, but i do lots, so you get the same amount. I WILL try to make em a bit longer. I should start a comedy...those get better reviews...

Oh, by the way, im making a Pokejeopardy fic, so hope youll see me there!

Pinecone Tortoise
5th November 2005, 12:22 PM
Don't be silly. People don't hate you or you're writing. You're a newbie writer and newbies are prone to mistakes, which is why people aren't being overly positive about your fics. If you don't understand the way things are done around here, just use common sense - it works most of the time.

You added in quite a bit of detail this chapter, which is an improvement on last time. That's great. It shows you listen to what reviewers suggest which is an important part of becoming a better writer.

If you don't want to write this fic anymore, then don't. But don't be put off by the lack of reviews or the switch to a different genre simply to get reviews.

And if you do go to write another fic, try not to use numbers in place of letters (eg: every1). Writing the whole word out may seem like unnecessary effort, but it does make your writing look more professional. And maybe try using italics instead of capitalising things. But don't give up. You're a willing learner, which is half the problem solved. Keep writing!

Piney.
;204;;324;

Guitar dude bill
5th November 2005, 1:49 PM
well this was quite good. maybe a bit short but not in my eyes. but in the fan-fiction rules. if you combine the two chapters i should make it long enough and if it doesn't get the best reviews, look at aspiring author sticky. now for the ratings
grammar: you need to do a bit better in this place
description: enough description, but you don't do the look description in the right way
origanality: c'mon, you can make it more original than that! i mean it was original enough but. oversleeping and oak on the tv is too old. but it was still good in the origanlity
enjoyment: this was good, it is quite enjoyable
length: this may need to be a bit longer. but it's not too short
i liked this story and i look forward to the next chapter. and don't double post so much

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
5th November 2005, 5:21 PM
Everyone out there, thanx for the requests. I'll try to make it more original, (notice that, in the Manga, the girl is the heroes SISTER, not girlfriend. He he... well sorry, im not THAT brilliant a fic writer. I think ill throw in some Houen and Johto Pokes...im trying to make this more of a firered/leafgreen thingy, cuz of the shiny and everything. And again, its this critisism that'll make me get better
;152; Yeah, when Rhyhorns fly...JUST LIKE IN POKETALK!
-_-;;; Well, the next chapter should be up soon, ive got a LONG weekend to fool around with...See ya soon!
P.S. Thanx Piney, you've been with dis fic since da begining, (sorry other peeps)

Air Dragon
7th November 2005, 4:45 PM
Hey Metallic Mantis,
Gotta say i'm liking this fic. don't take this the wrong way, i'm just relaying advice i've recieved from other fic writers. the chapters are a bit short. could you maybe lengthen them to about seven microsoft word pages? i'm working on lengthening mine too. to do this, try double spacing everytime a new command is given, perhaps, or maybe when a new activity stars. eg:

"Come on Machamp! You can do it!" shouted a young boy of about eleven. He had golden hair, tinged with dirty blond here and there. He was tall, about 5'1", but was on the skinny side.

At the moment, he was screeching and yelling like a Primeape with its head stuck in an oven.

“And Pidgeotto uses its wing attack!” the TV announcer blares “This could end the match!”

“Come on Pidgeotto! You can wipe out that four armed freak in Spandex shorts!” Pidgeotto’s trainer yelled as the bird Pokemons wings glowed light blue, then Pidgeotto sped off towards the four armed beast on the other side of the field.

“Machamp, use your Endure attack! Show that turkey who’s the BOSS!” Machamp’s trainer commanded.

The Superpower Pokemon grunted its approval, then put all four arms in front of it in a defensive position, then started glowing blood red.

Conor held his breath as he watched the camera zoom out, showing the entire battlefield. Pidgeotto was a small, cream and brown speck below, where as Machamp’s four muscular arms looked like sticks. As Pidgeotto zoomed towards Machamp, Conor threw caution to the winds and started to scream. He was cheering Machamp on so loud, that he didn’t notice a woman open the door, come in his room, close the door again, then pick up the remote and switched off the TV.

you know like that. a little more description would help too. don't hate yourself, i'm a newbie too, and i'm only trying to help. it's a cool fic and i'm eager to see more! Okay, Later!

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
21st November 2005, 12:39 PM
Hehe, sorry about not posting for a while.
BUT!Im about halfway done with the next chap, and itll be up soon.I've gotta nother long weekend, cuz of thanxgiving, so ill finish by then!
FOR THE HIVE!

katiekitten
21st November 2005, 2:13 PM
Ok... As this is your first fanfic I will let you off a little.

Bad points:

There are quite few things. First off, it is better to write numbers instead of using the didggets. Such as '6' written as 'six'. Same goes for using metric thingymagigs. Write 'feet' instead of using speech marks, 'cause not everyone uses feet anymore. Just saying.

Another point is that when someone starts to speak, it is always better to start a new line. That way it is a lot less confusing, and people can read it easier. And as someone else said, more description is needed. Where is your character at the begining? What does his room look like? Don't over describe it, mind, just give us some more hints.

Good points:

Well, not many spelling mistakes that I could see. Or grammer mistakes, at least you typed it in word. In the title, its better to give your story a name so the reader can take a peek at it and decide if it sounds intriguing.

I got all that, *points up* from the first chapter. I don't want to be harsh, but it does need some work.

Ex_Mightyena
25th November 2005, 9:49 AM
dont worry metallic mantis,its great so far better then anything could do!
bad things:it sounds a bit familiar to the original story of pokemon,not characterwise but storywise.except the shiny charmander,but not being racists,but I reckon normal pokemon are better,and i dont beleive that because its shiny,its stronger,unless they gave it iron and calcium!
good things:its the kind of thing that hooks people with suspense!well,me anyway!it is getting better as it go's on which is good.great for first try!and I like how it is short,like I dont want to read a fanfic that goes on forever when its just 1 chapter.
bye!keep up the good work!
ps:dont change the story half way through!like if I read a book that started out with being adventure than changed to comedy than to romance,that would be a little discouraging.

Guitar dude bill
25th November 2005, 12:10 PM
your still going!? that's amazing. i thought you gave up because of the reviews. but i had the wrong idea. your still going on strong and prepared. never give up! keep going. and continue a good story. this lives!

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
27th November 2005, 5:38 PM
Hi everyone out there, sorry i havent updated in like a fortnight, but ive had some family trips and stiffs to contend wid. I PROMISE, though, that the next chappie will be up by next week. DEFINETLY!So, again, thanx for staying, it , as Typhlogirl says:

Please, guys, review a persons fic. It makes the wuthor feel their efforts arent wasted
Hey, maybe dats not exact, but its essentially da same.
Well, looks like i gotta go. See ya next time!
FOR THE HIVE!

Hip-Hop Master
27th November 2005, 6:10 PM
Yeah...It Was a nice fic,, but the 2nd paragraph was just TOO confusing. Oh yeah and a lot of it are cliches. Oversleeping, last one, barely getting a Pokemon...Ehhh.. you could put a bit more originality.

Offtopic: dija notice that all the peeeps who reviewed this joined in sept/oct 2005?

MewMan
27th November 2005, 8:19 PM
Yeah, its ok althought it seems to be following the typical layout of a trainer fic, it still has twists in it. A proof-reader could make it a lot more pleasing to the eyes though, since your paragraphing is really not good. But, the plot seems to be developing nicely, and if you continue this, it could amount to something. May I ask how old you are? I'd like to see how good you are for your age.

blackemerald
27th November 2005, 8:32 PM
Since this is your first fanfic, I won't be too harsh.

Grammerwise it's actually quite good. I couldn't find any mistakes. The length is short, try to make it longer. But this has no origiality and looks like you've taken and replaced certain things with the first pokemon episode. Also space your text out or it just looks messy. At least you didn't give Conor the shiny Charmander.

Offtopic: I'm sorry, but I've just broken that chain. Oh well

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
28th November 2005, 12:45 PM
To answer Mewman, im 11 years old, but i WISH i was twelve,
and to Blackemerald, yes, i KNOW i used the plot of the first pokemon episode, but i plan to branch out a LOT, as youll see in the next chap
Thanx for everything guys
FOR THE HIVE!

MewMan
1st December 2005, 9:36 PM
To answer Mewman, im 11 years old, but i WISH i was twelve,
and to Blackemerald, yes, i KNOW i used the plot of the first pokemon episode, but i plan to branch out a LOT, as youll see in the next chap
Thanx for everything guys
FOR THE HIVE!

I don't actually agree with people under thirteen coming onto forums...I liked you much better with a mystery age

Persian
1st December 2005, 10:32 PM
Quote:
“Oh! You obviously haven’t met Cerys, have you? She’s my grand-daughter, you see.” Oak smiled. “Well, your opponent will be a Spearow, not to tough, but good enough to give you a challenge!

Grand-daughter? So Ash shes Ashs sister? And please, grammer. Stop using "to" instead of "too", it's almost drove me away.

Quote:
“MOM!” he yelled “I WAS WATCHING THAT!”

I noticed a lot of capitalizations. Please don't do it, it doesn't create any comedy.
Quote:
Conor suddenly felt so tired. As he fell asleep, he though over all the choices. Squirtle…Charmander…Bulbasaur. When he did fall asleep, he dreamt off him standing in front of a table with Squirtle, Bulbasaur and Charmander. Faceless people were chanting “Which one?Which one?”

Please, use a space between "Which one?Which one?"

Quote:
“Spear…OW!” it screeched. “Let’s get this started!” Conor yelled. “Bulbasaur, I choose you! Man that is SUCH a cliché…”Conor said as he tossed Bulbasaur’s Pokeball into the air. Cerys was watching him with interest. “Ok Bulbasaur, use your vine whip attack!” Conor yelled. Bulbasaur obeyed, sending two thin but string vines at the Spearow. Amazingly, it seemed to so critical damage. “Ha!This is easier than I-”Conor was cut off as the Spearow let off a piercing scream. “Ugh..I should have THOUGH he would try to lower my defenses…no matter…BULBASAUR, use Tackle now!” Bulbasaur glowed briefly white, then crashed into Spearow, KOing it. “YEAH!Bulbasaur, we did it!” Conor jumped up and down in joy. Oak smiled. “You are strong young one. Live long, and prosper”

So after JUST two attacks, he kills a Spearow? Okay then. And Spearows are the easiest thing in the world to defeat, how is he considered strong? And he isn't the strong one, his pokemon is, since his pokemon is the one who killed it. And also, your saying he already knew how to use a pokeball in first experience?

Quote:
“Thanks for everything, Professor. Well, I gotta be going.” Conor was almost at the door when Oak said “Wait! Hold on!” Conor, although grumbling, consented. Oak looked at Cerys, then at Conor, then said “Cerys, I want you to travel with Conor throughout Kanto. Ever since Team Rocket broke out again, I’ve felt less and less safe. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, so its for your own safety.Ok?” Oak says seriously. Cerys nods. “Ok” Conor says (I feel a dumb cliché coming) “Well, lets get dis party started!

"This", not "dis". It's drives readers away. And yes, don't remind me, I know I have the same problem in my signature. And never in the story did I hear he received his pokedex. And what about pokeballs? How will he catch pokemon without the precious orbs?

Please don't think i'm flaming you, I know this is your first fiction. I'm giving you things to improve on.

Guitar dude bill
3rd December 2005, 9:22 AM
No-one said this was comedy. Okay that wasn't harsh, blunt or flaming but you should point out more than just a few grammar mistakes. Have you read advice for aspiring critics? Chaos blade said a bad review only points out grammar mistakes. I'm not trying to argue with you persian. Everything you pointed out was true. Just point out more mistakes though. Just a word of advice. Though I shouldn't really be talking. Renegade is constantly complaining I can't review.

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
7th December 2005, 1:50 PM
Firstly, Mewman, it was YOU who asked my age, i didnt randomly say it. Secondly, discriminating someone cuz of their age or anything like dat is about the WORST thing in my book.

Anyway, ill have the next chap VERY soon, so stay here, we'll be right back! Persian, with the oak thing, oak is supposed to be...well strange. Thats why i put that in. And about the comedy thing, Blingin G, it ISNT supposed to be comedy. Its supposed to be an adventure, but at the begining its not so dark and dangerous, got me?

Guitar dude bill
7th December 2005, 7:03 PM
It wasn't me who thought it was supposed to be comedy. I' was persian. I was the one pointing out that it wasn't comedy. I know it wasn't supposed to be. But renegade's probably gonna get annoyed with me for what I said to persian.

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
16th December 2005, 12:54 PM
YEHAA! Nect Chaps up, pleez Read, review and rate
And To Blingin G, sorry i blamed you, my bad.

Chapter 2: The Path of a Champion

As soon as Conor and his Bulbasaur, nicknamed Solai, came swagerring out of the lab, Conor mom came running up to them. “I got off the job and came here as soon as I heard that you went inside the lab” she said, breathless. Conor was turning pink “ Aww, you shouldn’t have mom” he blushed. “Well, I DID, so be thankful!” she snapped “I’ve got you some Poketreats, for Bulbasaur, of course. Some fresh clothes, those are FILTHY, of course you ARE going to have to learn to wash them, but I suppose you’ll manage…And of course, your favorite plushie…” she says as she takes out a stuffed Dratini from the bag “Mom, uh, neither the time nor the place, if ya catch my drift…” Conor mutters, doing a traditional “Rub-the-back-of-my-head-and-smile-toothily-to-get-your-mind-off-my-Dratini -plushie” pose. Conors mom, oblivious to the hint, plows on “And some toothpaste, and your pillow, a sleeping bag, and lots of books, and-” “Thanks Mom, but shouldn’t I be GETTING ON?” Conor asked through clenched teeth. His mom FINALLY took the hint, and him and Cerys started down the long, winding dirt path.

Conor turned back. He was very emotional. This was the farthest from home he had ever been. He could hear his mom sying what she always had told him when he went to play outside “Now Conor, don’t go down that dirt path. Its very dangerous! Only when you have a Pokemon can you go down there!” He looked around. Well, besides from the fact that there was no bed or free food, he didn’t quite see the problem. But Cerys did. For the first real time, she spoke to him, in a soft whisper. “Wild and vicious Pokemon roam this area. We had better release our Pokemon. “So, these wild Pokemon aint the friendliest bunch, hunh?” Conor inquired as he released Bulbasaur in a flash of light. Cerys smiled slightly “No one knows WHY these wild Pokemon hate trainers Pokemon so much.” She said as she released her Shiny Charmander “ But they do, so be careful” Conor smiled slightly “I see you got the Shiny! Congratulations!” This was, as one may see, a rare occurance of Conors kindness, but even HE was chivalirious. As they walked down the road, a sudden pop and a flash of purple light alerted the two rookies to the pokemon floating feet from them. It was pinkish and feline, with a quizzical look on its face. It was constantly giggling, if you can imagine a hovering cat giggling. Conor and Cerys were both speechless, when Cerys broke the silence by squealing “Its so CUTE!” Conor had time to throw her a strange look before he took Bulbasaur of his head, where it had been resting “GO! SOLAI!” He picked it off his hat then placed it, none too gently on the ground. Solai, although annoyed, was eager for battle. “OK! Start off with a vine whip!” His Pokemon obeyed, sending out his two telltale vines to ensnare the opponent. But the feline just gave a little giggle and swerved acrobatically out of the way. “Crap! Lemme check my Dex” Conor said as he pulled out his small red laptop. “Mew, the genetic pokemon. Many attempted captures on this pokemon have been repelled. Besides this, not much is known about this pokemon” “Many failed captures, hunh?” Conor’s usual cocky tone and rash attitude were surfacing yet again. “WELL LETS SEE IF I CAN’T CAPTURE HIM…or her.” He said, catching Cerys’s cold glance. “Solai, use a Razor Leaf! Then a Poison Powder to finish it off!” But Mew merely giggled, and clapped its small hands together. The razor edged leaves suddenly turned into large, iridescent bubbles, which Mew started popping, still giggling. But when the Poison Powder began to spray out of Solai’s bulb, a frown creased its small forehead. It put its tiny hands in front of it, and a ball of what Conor thought looked like “living shadow” began to form. The area around the dark orb seemed to be sucked into the ball, strengthening it. Then, when it was fully charged, Mew flew into it. Now it appeared that the ball was being sucked into Mew, which flew out a second later, looking very different from the giggling, cute one. Its eyes were now slits in his face, and glowed blood red. Its normally pink, silky fur had turned dark grey, and became matted. It had little fangs, protruding on either side of its tiny mouth. Conor and Cerys stood, amazed, as they silently and simultaneously pulled out their Pokedexes again. They both flashed once, and then an image began to emerge from the now foggy Pokedexes. “Shadow Mew, the Doomed Pokemon. Mew, or Light Mew, will transform into this Pokemon when angered or emotionally hurt” “Uh oh…” Conor whispered. Cerys and he looked at each other, then screamed at the same time “RUN!!!”

Guitar dude bill
10th January 2006, 4:45 PM
Okay. I'll review it like you asked. *coughs*
On a negative basis
VERY crammed. I'm not at all sure how many paragraphs you could have split that into if it was spaced properly. Also, start a new paragraph or line when someone new talks. That makes it easier to read. Describe the shiny Charmander, what colour is it's shiny form? What does a Charmander look like? Also it's a bit unrealistic seeing Mew.
Just something about grammar. If you've got a speech mark afterwards and then a 'said' or something you do a comma before the speech mark which you've not been doing.
On a positive basis
It has potential. Some good description. Pretty good characters. I'm not sure about the originality. 'cuz it's been a long time since I watched pokemon.
To improve
Start a new paragraph more often, whenever your talking about something else or someone new talks. Describe every single pokemon rather than just Mew. Do it on MS word (just in case you typed this up in the reply box). I reccomend you enhance the length a bit. Make the next chapter about 5 pages on MS word. Remember the grammar thingy I told you above.
I reviewed it like you asked Mantis.

Air Dragon
10th January 2006, 6:20 PM
ok, review no 2! here we go:

length: 2.5/10.
this chapter was short and cramped. it was enjoyable, but would have been more so if it were longer.
paragraphing:2/10
as said in my last review and posts prior to this, the chapter was way too cramped. my paragraphing suggestion from my first review would really help here.
plot: 7/10
two greenhorn trainers suddenly run into mew? and mew goes evil to fight them? bit farfetched.
typos: quite a few...


“ Aww, you shouldn’t have mom” he blushed

I believe a comma after 'mom' is in order.


Conors mom, oblivious to the hint, plows on

Conor's mom


mom sying what she always

saying


trainers Pokemon so much

trainers' or trained


Conors kindness

Conor's. pls watch your apostrophes.


vine whip

Vine Whip.

that was mostly it, work on your lengths, descriptons and plot. this fic has awesome potential. don't be stingy with it! Later!

Metallic Mantis, Reborn
14th January 2006, 6:20 AM
Ok, thanks for keeping this thread alive. The Mew thing was just a strange idea of mine, thought it would work, and evidently it didn't. So I wont make another chap for a while, with school and everything