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Richie
8th November 2005, 8:51 PM
Chapter 1
“Richard wake up” said a short tanned lady with long black hair that reached down to her shoulders she was also wearing a light blue dress with a white apron and white slippers, she was standing on the burgundy carpet in the room of a lazy teenager who was still sound asleep in the bed.

“Just 5 more minutes please mum” mumbled the spiky haired teenager just managing to get the words out of his mouth before rolling over onto his side back to sleep.

“you sleep just as long as a Snorlax not to mention pack food away just like one, it’s a shame to have to do this to you so early in the morning” while saying this she walked over to the window and had a look outside it was a beautiful sunny day in Odale town, a small streak of sunlight broke the dimness of Richards room but then she whipped the blue curtains back and the once dim room became bright with the morning sun.

Richard suddenly sat bolt up right rubbing his chestnut brown eyes he to had tanned skin but he was very muscular for his age he sat there for five minutes rubbing his spiky black hair.

“Richard do you have any idea what time it is?” said Miss Higgins inquisitively.

Richard thought very hard for a moment then replied “erm breakfast”

Miss Higgins sweat dropped “Yes it breakfast time and also do you realise you are supposed to be starting your pokemon journey today” she said in a cool yet stern voice.

“I knew that I was just testing you mum” replied Richard looking hungrily at the open bedroom door and at the stairs leading down to the kitchen.

“Ok Richard ready yourself while I make you something to eat and Jade rang for you while you were asleep but don’t worry all she said was meet her at the pokemon centre”

After finally wasting 15 minutes getting ready Richard finally arrived down stairs looking hungrier then ever he sat down at the oak wood table staring at the empty space where his plate should be

“You carry on looking any more at that space in the table you will bore holes into it” Ms Higgins said mockingly before handing over the plate with bacon and eggs to her now ravenous son.

“Thanks mum I was starving over here” said Richard in between stuffing his face with food, he was now a lot neater now that he combed his spiky black hair and was also wearing his brand new white and black sweat band with a white t- shirt and a black coat with a blue tracksuit with a blue and black bag in which contained more clothes and pok’e gear with enough space to carry other items in such as poke’ balls.

“Richard your 15 years old your just about to start your pokemon journey you make me proud you hear and don’t even think about quitting and coming home and remember to call home once in a while hears a bit of money to get you started” said Miss Higgins with her eyes streaming with tears.

“I’ll miss you to mum and I promise to ring home and don’t worry I’ll make you proud I wont even think about coming home I love you mum goodbye” tears streaming in his eyes he walked out of the house and didn’t turn back, Ms Higgins saw him of.

It took 15 Minutes to reach the pokemon centre and there was jade she was very pretty she was also 15 blonde haired blue eyed and had beautifully peach cloured skin her hair was long reaching down to her shoulders she wore a red bandana with silver hoops on it, red hooded top and blue jeans with a red and blue bag which was also used to carry stuff in.

“Hello Richard what took you so long” she smiled showing of her teeth a nice warm friendly smile.

“A long goodbye speech sorry I’m late” said Richard staring back at her straight into jade’s cool blue eyes which reminded him of water on the sea.

“Don’t let it happen again and now let’so gets our pokemon before it to late” and with that she began running her way down the dirt path to littleroot town.

Richie
11th November 2005, 8:22 PM
Chapter 2

“Wait up no fair you got a head start” said Richard now catching up to Jade and out of breath.

“You know what they say you snooze you lose and you almost did that literally” said Jade with a smug look on her face.

“What can I say I like my sleep without it I’m cranky” replied Richard with a smug look on his face

“Wow look at the pretty flowers in that field over there and the clouds are so white and fluffy and the sun is so perfect” Screamed Jade in excitement

Richard sweat dropped and inhaled deeply “Aren’t you forgetting something?” he began pointing out that they were coming toward the end of the dirt path and could now see professor Birch’s laboratory in the distance

“Oh look were almost there” shouted Jade enthusiastically she then began bouncing up and down.

Richard scowled “haven’t you just been paying any attention to what I just said”

“Yeah I’m only messing come on” said jade beginning to run again at an even faster pace with Richard lagging behind complaining about his full stomach.

Finally the two beginning trainers arrive at the laboratory it was a huge white building with a red roof with a brick chimney pot out of which steam was streaming out of.

“Looks like a big house to me Richard are you sure you got the right one” asked Jade in a quiz like fashion.

“Yeah it hard not to know when there is a sign right over there saying professor Birch’s laboratory anyway let go and knock and get our pokemon I cannot wait to start” said Richard getting flared up.

They knocked on the red doors and waited till a voice said enter as soon as they stepped in they knew they had defiantly entered a lab there were lots of computers and machinery and the low hum of them all working and lots of books about pokemon habits, up ahead the now tiled floor was professor Birch in knee high cargo shorts, a blue t-shirt underneath and a white lab coat and brown sandals he looked up beaming at the two pokemon trainers with his round face and neatly combed hair a all round facial beard and two friendly black eyes.

“Hello you two I’ve been expecting you now, I’m not going to bore you to death there are three pokemon on the table the three starters Torchic the fire pokemon , Mudkip the water pokemon and Treecko the grass pokemon all three are wonderful pokemon to start of with so I’ll leave you to decide”

“I made my mind up it was a tough one but I choose Mudkip it’s so cute and it’s my favourite colour blue I’m going to love it for ever” squealed Jade in excitement

“Good choice Jade, Go on Richard it’s time for you to make a decision” replied professor Birch enthusiastically.

Richard walked up to the wooden desk and saw the two remaining poke’ balls and placed his hand on the red and white sphere he picked up the ball with a triumphant look on his face.

“I choose Torchic” Richard said filling up with happiness you could see it in his eyes that he couldn’t wait to start.

“Well done you two now that you have your pokemon I would like to tell you about your journey and the many challenges, pokemon and trainers you will face, you two will face 8 gym leaders and face the elite four the best trainers in the world, in the Hounn region there is a special way off battling which is called double battling that’s when two trainers team up together with up to six pokemon each I could program your pokedex’s to scan pokemon at the same time that way you both get the data”

Both trainers began talking to each other they decided to be a tag team and they looked back up at professor Birch both smiling, at the same time they both said yes and the began thinking of the fun they would have together.

“Right here are your pokedex’s the been programmed so that whatever one trainer has seen the other one also gets the data you’ll enter the pokemon league together to it’s a great way to build new strategies now go out there and knock them out” said professor Birch handing them two red machines and five poke’ balls each and with professor Birch’s inspiring words the two trainers set of into the world of pokemon.

Guitar dude bill
11th November 2005, 8:51 PM
good, but waaaaaaay too many grammar mistakes, a bit too short, and in definetly, you said defiantly, study grammar more for the next chapter, here are the ratings
description: excellent, definetely, not defiantly, your best point
grammar: you do the worse grammar mistakes i have simply ever seen (despite legendaries curse)
origanality: trust me, this thing has been done a thousand times, but your not the only one so i can't complain, but you can make it more original later
length: a bit too short, don't think it breaks the rules though, but being too short can be good because it can mean the fic is good
personalities: very good as well, you set me an example
entertainment: high, it gives me alot of pleasure
so this was a good story and i look forward to the next chapter, best not to double post in chapters when you can edit the previous chapter to enhance it's length.

Dilasc
11th November 2005, 8:56 PM
You are completely void of description and are lacking in punctuation within quotations. You never end a quotation without punctuation! If not a sentence ender, then a comma at very least.You also forget to end sentences at points.

As for the story itself, its looking cliche! You have to make it stand out as different somehow, seriously.

Guitar dude bill
12th November 2005, 9:52 AM
what do you mean by void? by any chance, very good, because his description was very good, you have to admit, his personalities are great too, it's just the appauling grammar mistakes you make at 15 yrs old, (i read your profile) I'm not great at grammar, but i'm better than that at only 11 yrs old, but it was good, keep up the good work

Yami Ryu
12th November 2005, 10:15 AM
so this was a good story and i look forward to the next chapter, best not to double post in chapters when you can edit the previous chapter to enhance it's length.

For once in your life, use your damn brain. YOU CAN POST CHAPTERS IN SUCCESSION. Editing chapters into one post is against the rules. WHICH YOU SEEM TO LACK KNOWLEDGE OF, as do you lack KNOWLEDGE OF CRIT-ING PEOPLE'S FANFICS. LEARN TO DO SO SOON.

Richie;

This is one of the worst fics I've seen here. Tacky, un original, bordering on so little description it's scripting in places. The characters are two dimensional at best, and they lack any real structure to them, it just seems to be a bad rip off of Ash getting his pokemon more then anything else, and god if I went into full detail of where you went wrong, what you did wrong, and what could have been attempted to be written to a better quality, it'd take too long to write, and it'd most likely be longer then your way too short chapters.

I highly advise reading the Rules & Advice Stickies before you attempt to make another 'chapter'.

Guitar dude bill
12th November 2005, 10:49 AM
.[/FONT]

Richie;

This is one of the worst fics I've seen here. Tacky, un original, bordering on so little description it's scripting in places. The characters are two dimensional at best, and they lack any real structure to them, it just seems to be a bad rip off of Ash getting his pokemon more then anything else, and god if I went into full detail of where you went wrong, what you did wrong, and what could have been attempted to be written to a better quality, it'd take too long to write, and it'd most likely be longer then your way too short chapters.

I highly advise reading the Rules & Advice Stickies before you attempt to make another 'chapter'.
this is quite short, but they do have a very good personality and description. a question, have you ever critscised a fic and not flamed at it?!