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View Full Version : The Atomic Power Triligy Part1:The blue Medicham



Metal
9th November 2005, 10:23 PM
My first fic. Hope you like it.


Chapter 1
In a dark alley two people were talking.
"What is this atomic power anyway?"said a dark haired 23 year-old man holding a tiny blue sphere in his hand.
"Some kind of power enhacer thats power can only be activated by using that power sphere your are holding.Do you know what happens then?"said the other man named Bruce.
"No!Of course i dont know!"said the other man harshly.
"Well Johnny then we use Atomic power on our Medicham and make it invincible!Tha Elite Four will be a push over and so will the Battle Frontier!"
Suddenly a boy of about fifteen ran into the alley.
"You dont know what you are dealing with.The Atomic Power is too power for you to handle!"shouted the boy who was followed by a girl who was obviously struggling to keep up with the boy.
"Who are you kids!What are your names!"Shouted Bruce.
"Im Dean and this is my sister kelly!"said Dean.
"Lets battle them Dean!"Shouted Kelly ready with her Pokeball.Johnny chuckled.
"You!Battle the Terra Twins!If you insist!GO Ursaring!"Shouted Johnny.;217;
"GO Medicham!"Shouted Bruce.
"KELLY!You had to get us into this didnt you!Oh well GO Elekid!"Shouted Dean.;239;
"Sorry!GO Castform!"Shouted Kelly.;351; "Castform! Sunny day and then Weather Ball!"Ursaring roared with pain as a mini firestorm hit it into the side of the alley.
"We dont have time for this!Ursaring return!Medicham Teleport!"Shouted Johnny and with a pop the terra twins were gone.

Well thats Chapter 1 and the Chapters will get longer.

Dilasc
9th November 2005, 11:06 PM
This... just no! Your story is very wrong. First and foremost, learn to double space after each paragraph.

Secondly, DONT USE SMILIES! Seriously, don't use them in your story at all. They are bad, and wrong. Get rid of them.

Next, this is way too short. Make it longer, and add description.

Pinecone Tortoise
10th November 2005, 7:03 AM
Um, the first thing that I noticed about the story was that it had smilies in it. And as much as I think smilies are both cute and awesome, they really interrupt the flow of the story and distract your readers. Best left in the notes to the reader at the bottom, if at all.

A few layout/punctuation comments: You forgot to capitalise some people's names in places and to put a space between some words. Just a hint, things like that look unproffessional and put readers off. On a postive, however, you didn't go overboard with exclamation marks or capitals. That certainly made things easier to read than it might have been. People tend to forget that just a single ! will emphasise the point and that WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS GETS REALLY, REALLY BORING. And looks bad, too. Well done on that one.

Some words were misspelt (ie: eNhancer) and as hypocritical as it is coming from me, I'd advise running it through a spellchecker before posting.

Incidentally, I like your choice of Medicham. It's one of the lesser used pokemon. Original. But please be careful with giving characters super powers. It's practically a single ingredient recipe for Mary Sues and the like. Very few people like to read about invincible humans/pokemon. It gets monotonous.

But you evidently have an idea here, so don't give up. Keep writing!

Piney.
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