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Shadowcat
10th November 2005, 12:22 PM
G' day readers. Thank you for taking your time to read my fic. Help me improve, here's where you critics come in. All reviews are greatly appreciated.

Chapter Index(Chapter Names shall be typed out when chapter is posted):
Chapter One~ The First Battle. The Three Way Fight!

Now, enjoy.

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Chapter One~ The First Battle. The Three Way Fight!
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“Hello everyone! Welcome to the Indigo Plateau! Today, we have a special event, just for the Pokemon League. The Gym Leaders Tournament shall begin today!” The Announcer said, giving the audience new about the upcoming event.

“Yes, we’ll have all the leaders from Kanto, Johto and Hoenn! We shall find out who shall be crowned, ‘The Gym Leader Champion’ at the end of this tournament.” The Director of the Pokemon Association said. He had curly, brown hair, and wore his green tuxedo. The 36-year old man was rather short for his age.

“Yes, now let’s get on with the main event. There’s a new set of rules, right?” The Announcer asked.

“Yes. First, each gym leaders fights in a three way battle. A three-way battle means three trainers battling each other. There will be three Pokemon on the field, and the trainers can command their Pokemon to attack any Pokemon on the field. Now, for this round, each Gym Leader will use three Pokemon, no substitutes. Now, let the tournament begin! Oh, and wait. We shall have two winners emerging from one battle.” The Director announced. The Referee stood on the referee platform, while three other platforms appeared. The Announcer and Director left the arena or stage, for the control room. The big T.V. Screen was turned on and the Director and the Announcer were seen on it. Both held a microphone in their hands.

“We shall begin the first round! The Gym Leaders for this first round are: Brock of Pewter, Falkner of Violet, and Roxanne of Rustbro.” The Director said. The T.V. Screen was turned off and three pictures of the three respective Gym Leaders appeared. Brock, the spiky, brown hair teenager, had a brown T-shirt and jeans. What could you expect? After all, he was the expert in rock types. Falkner, the Gym Leader of Violet City had Cobalt Blue hair, wearing an indigo T-shirt with a white jacket over it, and violet shorts. Roxanne, the Gym Leader of Rustbro City, had brownish, blackish hair, and wore a navy blue shirt, with a white collar and a red tie to boot. She also had a navy blue skirt on, with red pants to boot.

“Let the battle begin!” The referee said, commencing the battle to a start. All three Gym Leaders each took out a Great Ball, before tossing them onto the field together.

“Go Geodude!” Brock said, and the rock Pokemon appeared, with its gray hands and body, and it levitated above the ground.

“Hoothoot, go!” Falkner said, and the bird Pokemon appeared. It had big, red eyes, long; black eyebrows, dark brown body, and it had only one foot. It flapped its wings to fly in the arena, ready for battle.

“Come on out, Nosepass!” Roxanne said, as her Pokemon appeared on the field. It was made of stone, and was blue all around. It had a compass for its nose, which was red in color. It faced north, which meant that it was facing Hoothoot.

“Let the battle begin!” The Announcer said. And with that, the battle started.

“Roxanne, how about teaming up with me, to knock Falkner out of this match?” Brock asked the other rock type user.

“I have to consider, but since you are not attacking, I will,” Roxanne said to Brock.

“Nosepass, use a Rock Slide on Hoothoot and Geodude when I say the word ‘now’. Are you ready?” Roxanne asked her Pokemon. The Compass Pokemon grunted, meaning that it was a yes.

“Since you won’t work with me, I guess we’ll have to gang up on you, Roxanne. Falkner, care to?” Brock asked the bird type user.

“Sure.” Falkner replied.

“Geodude, Double-edge!”

“Hoothoot, use your Double-edge too!”

Together, Geodude and Hoothoot started spinning around quickly, using their Double-edge attack. Nosepass braced itself to take the hit, but Roxanne had something on her mind. The two Pokemon were coming closer, and closer to Nosepass, but Roxanne was ready.

“Nosepass, NOW!” She shouted. Falkner and Brock then understood what happened but Nosepass was mentally prepared. It raised both its hands into the air, giving a cry, before gigantic, heavy rocks started falling from the air. Geodude and Hoothoot were not mentally prepared, and they continued spinning around in circles, approaching Nosepass. The rocks fell onto them, causing them to stop flying and levitating in the air.

“Nosepass, ROCK TOMB!” Roxanne shouted, giving her Nosepass an order. Nosepass cried, raising both its hands up into the air again. This time, rocks from underneath the earth appeared, trapping both Geodude and Hoothoot. Luckily for Brock and Falkner, their Pokemon could not stop using their Double-edge attack, and they continued spinning, causing the rocks that trapped them to shatter into pieces. On the screen, data was shown on the health over a hundred and the levels of the three Pokemon.

Geodude
Level Estimate: 63
HP: 80/100

Hoothoot
Level Estimate: 61
HP: 58/100

Nosepass
Level Estimate: 62
HP: 100/100

“It looks like Brock and Falkner’s Pokemon have been hit pretty badly, while Roxanne is still going strong. It looks like Falkner’s the underdog. Due to the fact, that the other two Gym Leaders have Rock Type Pokemon.” The Announcer announced.

“We’ll see about that, Geodude, Earthquake!” Brock commanded his Pokemon. Geodude, who was levitating, use all it’s power to slam into the ground, causing an earthquake to occur. Hoothoot dodged the attack, as it was a flying type, but Nosepass was shaken badly, pretty badly.

Nosepass
Level Estimate: 62
HP: 67/100

“Darn it! Nosepass, use a Rock Slide!” Roxanne commanded her Rock Type Pokemon. The Pokemon nodded, and raised its hands into the air, and dozens of rocks appeared, hitting Hoothoot and Geodude. Geodude was spinning around, turning a blue-greenish color.

‘Protect, I should have known.’ Roxanne thought, after seeing Geodude change in color. After the rocks finished falling on the poor Hoothoot, Geodude turned back to its gray-brownish color. Falkner took a look at Hoothoot’s HP on the screen.

Hoothoot
Level Estimate: 61
HP: 16/100

“Geodude, use your Double-edge on Hoothoot.” Brock said, giving his Pokemon an order.

“But Brock, aren’t we supposed to-“ Falkner said, but it was too late. He watched in shock, as Geodude slowly finished off Hoothoot. Hoothoot, surprisingly, did not faint. Instead it was glowing, a hint of evolution. There stood a bird, with dark brown wings. It had a long light brown eyebrow, and its body was a tan color. It had two feet, which was an improvement from it’s pre-evolution, Hoothoot, who only had one foot.

“Brock, time for my revenge. Noctowl, Hypnosis!” The blue-haired Gym Leader said. Noctowl’s eyes turned a reddish color, aiming small red rays of hypnosis at Geodude. Geodude was hit by the rays, and slowly, slowly; dropped to the ground, sleep taking over.

“Geodude, wake up!” Brock said, calling his Pokemon to wake up, but failed miserably.

“Since, that’s out of the way, Nosepass, Earthquake!” Roxanne commanded her Pokemon, who nodded in response. Nosepass slammed its hands onto the ground, causing a tremor. Geodude was shaken by the attack, but still managed to survive, sleeping.

“Noctowl, finish it off with Dream Eater!” Falkner said, giving his Pokemon a command. Noctowl nodded, and its eyebrows turned red, sucking the last of Geodude’s health, causing it to faint. Brock glanced up, looking at the screen. Geodude was out for health, and Brock took out a Pokeball, and recalled his Pokemon.

“You may have won my Geodude, but you can’t get past my next Pokemon. Kabutops go!” He shouted, calling out his Pokemon. It was a light brownish color, but had silver accompanying it. It’s silver claws, were really, really sharp. Roxanne and Falkner were worried for a while, but stopped worrying about it.

“Metal Sound!” Brock gave an order. His Pokemon obeyed, using its claws to create an ear-piercing screech, lowering Noctowl’s and Nosepass’s special defense.

“Ancientpower on Noctowl,” said Brock in his deep voice. His Pokemon obeyed, and glowed a golden color, rocks appearing near it. Kabutops used its power, and the rocks pummeled Noctowl continuously, causing it to be knocked out. Kabutops then used a Giga Drain on Nosepass, draining it of all it’s energy, causing it to faint.

“Return!” Both Roxanne and Falkner said in unison, recalling their Pokemon back into their respective Pokeballs.

“Pokeball, go!” The two Gym Leaders shouted, tossing a Pokeball into the air. A Pidgeotto appeared, with dark brownish wings, red and yellow tail feathers. It looked strong as a matter of fact it was powerful. A Lileep appeared on the arena too. It had orange-reddish petals on its head, a purple body, and was standing on four feet.

“ANCIENTPOWER!” Roxanne and Brock shouted, both giving their fossil Pokemon a command. Both Pokemon glowed gold in color; rocks surrounded them, before the rocks were slammed into Pidgeotto.

“Pidgeeeeooottttooooo!” The bird Pokemon cried in pain, as the rocks were slammed into it. Soon after, two Pokemon started glowing. Evolving to be exact. Then, a blinding light blinded everyone in the stadium. The audience could barely see what was happening in the arena. Two Pokemon were still glowing, creating an evolution war.

~END~

That's chapter 1, enjoy. All Reviews welcomed.

Alakazam
14th November 2005, 1:51 AM
Awesome xXSapphireXx, kinda like your other one like this.

Edit: Roxanne is from Rustboro not Rustbro.

DKzM0mA
14th November 2005, 5:04 AM
Wow, that was great. Besides what Espeonshock informed, I believe thats the only thing wrong.

Shadowcat
14th November 2005, 7:01 AM
EspeonShock: Thanks Espeon, I'll go and edit my post. Really appreciate it for telling me that.

DKzM0mA: Thanks a bunch. Really, thank you for that compliment.

Also, now, the preview for the next chapter:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Two~ The Evolution War... Fossil Flight
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The two Pokemon, Lileep and Pidgeotto evolve and create an evolution war. The two Pokemon now become rivals, start fighting each other while Kabutops just stays back, not wanting to anger the two newly evolved Pokemon. Roxanne and Falkner lose control over their Pokemon, who evolved together, hence, creating an evolution war. Will things get even worse?

~END of Preview~

Okay, seriously, I'd like to thank you two. Lemme see, I can get up the chapter soon, if I am free on Friday, seeing I have no school here in Singapore. I'll type all day.

Now, who's the one who gave me a 4 Star rating? I'm shocked, as I expected a lower rating.

DKzM0mA
14th November 2005, 2:01 PM
That's great! I can't wait for the chapter. It doesn't matter whether you got skool or not. Take your time.

IceKing
14th November 2005, 9:31 PM
Falkner, the Gym Leader of Violet City had Cobalt Blue hair, wearing an indigo T-shirt with a white jacket over it, and violet shorts.

You can just say cobalt. And whatever happened the Falkners robe or whatever that thing was?


Roxanne, the Gym Leader of Rustbro City, had brownish, blackish hair, and wore a navy blue shirt, with a white collar and a red tie to boot. She also had a navy blue skirt on, with red pants to boot.

You dont want to get too listy when reviewing


It was made of stone, and was blue all around. It had a compass for its nose, which was red in color. It faced north, which meant that it was facing Hoothoot.

Another thing is that you dont want to keep using the same word starting the sentence over and over again, mainly it. Instead of says a compass for a nose, which was red in color you could also say, it had a brick red compass for a nose. And instead of it faced north, which meant that it was facing hoothoot, you could say it faced north toward hoothoot.


The Compass Pokemon grunted, meaning that it was a yes.


Again, you dont want to be too wordy. You could just say the compass pokemon grunted in understanding or something like that.


“Sure.” Falkner replied.

Another thing is that when your charachter speaks, they lack emotion and seem kind of monotonous. Also, when doing dialogue and if you have something along the lines of "bla bla" said or said "whoever" after the "" then you need a comma instead of a period. So that would be "Sure," Falkner replied.


The rocks fell onto them, causing them to stop flying and levitating in the air.

Sounds like they're both flying and levitating. Perhaps "The rocks collapsed on to them, driving them straight into the ground"


Geodude, who was levitating, use all it’s power to slam into the ground, causing an earthquake to occur

Again, awkward wording and syntax. When you read over a chapter, try to make sure that the words flow nicely and sound good to you. The relative clause there (who was levatiting) really didnt fit in that well and causing an earthquake to occur is rather boring. Perhaps you could describe how the tremors spread across the field and the effects of the intense shaking.


It’s silver claws, were really, really sharp.
o_0. That sounds like something a third grader would say.


His Pokemon obeyed, and glowed a golden color, rocks appearing near it. Kabutops used its power, and the rocks pummeled Noctowl continuously, causing it to be knocked out. Kabutops then used a Giga Drain on Nosepass, draining it of all it’s energy, causing it to faint.

Instead of causing it to be knocked out why dont you talk about how the pokemon just gives up from exhaustion and collapses? Battles offer you a chance to go great places with your writing, try and make it as vivid as possible.


Two Pokemon were still glowing, creating an evolution war.
When three pokemon start evolving after barely one round, thats when it just gets farfetch'd.



Ok, first let me say this. You have improved. You have improved a lot
since I last read your fics. Your sentence structure is much better know, there are still grammar mistakes but it really isnt as bad. The area in which you could improve greatly is your description and syntax. Battles are probably to funnest thing about pokemon fanfiction because it allows you to be so vivid. Dont just tell what happens, show it through describing the pokemons actions really well. And when I say syntax I basically mean how you use words and where you use them. There are many instances when sentences sound better. So heres my suggestions for you:try and make the reader see a lot with your writing, and use nice words as well and to read over your fic when your done to catch weird sentences and grammar mistakes.

Overall, this isn't too bad, but since your still improving I highly suggest you stick with two way battles for now

5,5/10

Dragonfree
18th November 2005, 2:08 AM
Closing upon author's request.