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PikaMew
12th November 2005, 1:27 AM
This is rated PG for now. this is basically about a girl named Cheryl who writes in her diary about her lifes events. Well, she is turning ten and she writes about her experience. Sorry if this isn't really good. (btw, this isn't the first entry of the diary so that's why is ways "as you probably already know."

Dear Diary,
Today was [possibly] the greatest day of my life!! Today was my birthday. Iíve been telling you this, but in the regions Kanto, Johto and Hoenn; someoneís tenth birthday means big business. When you turn ten years old, you are eligible to get your Trainerís License. But thatís not why Iím excited. Iím excited because when you get your Trainerís License, you also get your very own Pokemon! Since I live in Johto I get to have Cyndaquil, Chikorita, or a Totodile. People say Totodile is the best but I want a Chikorita; there so cute! Mama says when Iím traveling; I better not extend my Trainerís Leave. A "trainer's leave" is when you can take two months of from school to go travel for my Pokemon Journey.
"Great trainersóbelieve it or notóalways extend their trainer's leave. Like that no-good Ash Ketchupóor Catsup?ódid." Mama lectured before I went to sleep yesterday. "They are as dumb as doornails." That saying always confuses me. Doornails are neither smart or dumb. But I promised not to, I already have to make up my Trainer's Leave with two months of summer break.
Anyway, I was up at six a.m. even though it was a Saturday. It was just because I was so excited. Then I jumped out of bed and started screaming:

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!" which of course, awoke my family. As you probably already know, I have three sisters: Jane, Kiri, and Leigh. Jane's older than Kiri, Kiri's older than me, and I'm older than my 18-month-old sister, Leigh. Leigh started wailing and Kiri and Jane (who share a room with me) woke up and ran to Mama to tell on me. Sisters are such a pain. But even that could not discourage me. I quickly changed into my favorite outfit, a light blue shirt, tan jeans, and a green jacket. Rushing to pack my bags with clean clothes, ten pairs of underwear and socks, and my other personal needs. Once I was finished I made a run for the kitchen, but right at the doorway was my Papa, his glasses instead of contacts on.

"Young ladyÖ" He started, but whimpering Leigh caught his attention. When he walked over to her, I ceased that moment to run out of my shared room.

"Ma!" I yelled to Mama who had her hair in her curlers, which made her look like an old lady.

"Mmm?" She answered. She was brushing her teeth.

"I'm going to Professor Elm's, ok?" I asked her.

"MmmÖ" I guess she was to sleepy to answer because when I headed out the door, with toothpaste all over her mouth like a foamy blue lipstick, she yelled "Cheryl, wait!"
She ran up to me and gave me a big hug.

"My little baby's growing up!" She said. I guess it was true because I was so 'grown up' that a little bit of her toothpaste fell on my hair. I tried to squirm out of her bear hug but she squeezed me tighter and said: "My little baby's not a baby anymore! I'll miss her!" She finally let go and I ran out.

"The prof. is just around the town, I'll get my Pokemon and come back for breakfast, ok?" I told my mother. She nodded. Her toothpaste was Santa's beard around now.

The prof.'s lab is a huge white building at the edge of town with a large skylight made out of red in the shape of a dome. Sometimes I see a bolt of electricity shot from an electric Pokemon through that skylight. I imagine the prof.'s hair in the form of an afro if he gets shocked by that blast.
When I went inside the lab a blue mini-alligator PokemonóTotodile went and hugged my calf.

"Awww," I cooed and when I reached my hand out to pet it's nose, it bit me.

"Mischievous little fellow, isn't he?" Came the voice of Professor Elm. "Loves to bite people." I was sure I didn't want that Totodile.

"May I see the Chikorita?" I asked politely, rubbing my hand gingerly. Elm gave me a nodd. He wasn't quite paying attention because he was working on something at his black laptop. In the corner of the building I spied a Pokemon with a leaf on his head.

"Hey there!" I said to the Pokemon sweetly. The Chikorita recoiled in terror and wailed. She reminded me of Leigh, the crybaby.

"Oh, she's quite sensitive!" Elm told me. Now I wasn't sure if I wanted that Chikorita either.

"Hmm, what about the Cyndaquil?" I asked testily. I turned my head toward the kitchen part of the lab. (Hey a professer's got to eat, too!) Sitting on the stove, a dark blue mole looking thing with a tan belly was mixing a good smelling soup. Hmm, a cook, a scaredy-cat, and a biterÖ "I choose the cook!" I said. So now, as I am writing this entry, a warm body of a Cyndaquil who made my birthday dinners is sleeping in my lap.

óCheryl Ike

Critism please!

Breezy
12th November 2005, 2:28 AM
Today was [possibly] the greatest day of my life!! The brackets aren't needed here. Brackets are usually used to parenthesize things inside of parenthesis. Not that parenthesize is a word or anything. =3 Brackets are also used to point out mistakes in someone else's work when quoting it or to replace a word in a quotation so the pronoun fits in the sentence your quotion.

...basically, like I said, they're not needed here.

...but in the regions Kanto, Johto and Hoenn; someoneís tenth birthday means big business.Semi-colons are, in a sense, like an conjunction connecting two independant clauses or complete sentences. "...but in the regions Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn." is not a complete sentence even though "someone's tenth birthday means big business" is. Change the semi-colon to a comma instead.

People say Totodile is the best but I want a Chikorita; thereso cute!The semi-colon here works since the two independant clauses are closely related, but "there" should be "they're" instead.

Mama says when Iím traveling; I better not extend my Trainerís Leave.Again, the semi-colon here is used incorrectly. It would be better off as a comma.

Rushing to pack my bags with clean clothes, ten pairs of underwear and socks, and my other personal needs....and? This sentence is a participal phrase, or a sentence that modifies that subject. In other words, there has to be something that Cheryl is doing after she packs her stuff lol.

Once I was finished I made a run for the kitchen, but right at the doorway was my Papa, his glasses instead of contacts on.Imo, the bolded part of that sentence sounds a bit awkward. It works though. "His glasses on instead of contacts" works just as well.

"Mmm?" She answered. She was brushing her teeth.Think of dialouge as continuing sentences, even with the "she answered" part. Like:

"I like you," he said, blushing.

"Wha? Do you really?" The girl looked up from her book. "That's a bit random actually," she muttered.

He laughed. "I know. I just needed your attention for a minute."

I'm never really good at explaining dialouge. Ask again if you want me to explain it better lol.

"The prof. is just around the town, I'll get my Pokemon and come back for breakfast, ok?"You know, I myself don't really shorten professor to prof when I talk lol. Of course, I'm not Cheryl either. Usually, you don't want to abbreviate things anyways.

The prof.'s lab is a huge white building at the edge of town with a large skylight made out of red Red what?

Elm gave me a nodd.Nod.

So now, as I am writing this entry, a warm body of a Cyndaquil who made my birthday dinners is sleeping in my lap.She must eat a lot of she had more than one dinner. o.o I don't think "is" is needed in there either.

Anyhoo, I've read a few diary based trainer fics that tell of his or her journey through their writings. It's a good way to see how a trainer grows and develops during their journey, so hopefully we'll see Cheryl grow more weary or more confident in battle na?

Dunno. I guess I like fics when the trainer is all excited and then the harsh way of life as a trainer kicks them in the head. =3 Bite me.

I do wonder why Cheryl's older sisters aren't trainers though. Even if they were trainers back from trainers, you would think the mom would feel better and would work it out so the three could travel together in order to watch out for each other.

A Cyndaquil that can cook. Kyute. =3 I still would of picked the Chikorita though. That was cute too.

LaTeR dAyZ!

PikaMew
12th November 2005, 3:15 AM
Omg how many mistakes did I not notice??? I will try to fix that next time.
EDIT: The second entry! ^_^

Dear Diary,
Along with Quilly (that's what I decided to name my Cyndaquil) Professor Elm gave me six Poke Balls and a Pokedex. Sometimes I wonder how a Pokemon can fit into a minuscule red-and-white ball. A Pokedex is like a digital encyclopedia containing information about all the Pokemon on earth!! This morning I took off for my Pokemon Journey (at last!!) receiving exactly twenty-three kisses from Mama, ten from Papa, and only a single hug from my sister. (except Leigh, who just said: "Cherry? Cherry?" she calls me Cherry.) If you go to the far north of New Bark Town (where I live) you will see a forest with a path that takes you to Cherrygrove City. Except that it takes a long time to get there unless you have a car. If there's one thing I learned about Quilly, it is that he hates to be in his Poke Ball. If I tell him to, he goes nuts. Just yesterday, Mama told me he can't sleep on my bed so I thought:

'Ok, so I'll put Quilly in his Poke Ball,' and I told him to "Return!" When I said that he ran out the door and hid. We (as in Jane, Kiri, and I) spent about an hour to find him. What do you know? We found him in Leigh's crib, with Leigh poking his nose. I guess Mama found out he was claustrophobic (I think) she let him sleep in my bed.

Anyway, today was really exciting because I had my first battle. I found out that the woods are the perfect place to find a trainer looking for another trainer to battle. Well, I was just trying to find a good place so we can find out and I was going through some shrubs to find a patch of grass with no trees or anything on it when I heard a squeal.

"Quil!!" Quilly shrieked. I looked to see what was the matter. Sunken into Quilly's tail was a set of pearly white fangs. A row of teeth that seemed familiar…

"Totodile, stop it!" a boy's voice said. Something in my head clicked.

'Ohh,' I thought, 'It's the Totodile!' And I remembered clearly how painful it was to have a Totodile's teeth sink into your skin and I could tell how much pain Quilly was in.

"Sorry!" The boy said again. Then, emerging from the bushes was a boy with messy brown hair and a dirty white tee shirt. A boy I recognized as David, the guy that sits next to me at school. "Cheryl?" Evidently, he was as dumbfounded as I was.

"David?" My mouth was agape. He was the type of person who never said "sorry" in public. He kicks the Ratatas that live in the alleys, he curses at cars he nearly gets hit by, he doesn't wait for the cross guard to say he can cross the street (and that's why he almost gets hit by cars!), and he absolutely hates girls. We just stared at each other for a while.

"Cool Cyndaquil, I was going to get one but I got stuck with a stupid Totodile. Water-types are for wimps." His Totodile's dignity was lost. He bit David lightly on his Power Ranger sneakers. "Actually, your Cyndaquil is a wimp, too! It can't even fight back a Totodile when it bites its tail!"

'It' I thought. "We'll see what a wimp it is, let's battle!" I said bravely. A Pokemon Battle is simply when you have two Pokemon battle against one another. It harder than it looks, though. I didn't quite memorize all Quilly's attacks yet so I turned on my Poke Dex and searched for "Cyndaquil" it brought up all its stats and attacks. Before I got to tell Quilly what to do, Totodile had launched a Water Gun attack, drenching Quilly.

'Uh-oh!' I thought.

Cyndaquil is weak against Water Types The Pokedex read. Totodile was a Water Type!

"Quilly, use Ember!" I said reading off the list of attacks. He spewed out a burst of flames and hit Totodile squarely on the chest.

"To!" He cried, staggering a bit. Then he spit out another Water Gun.

"Dodge it!" I ordered and Quilly moved away from the stream of water.

"Water Gun! Water Gun! Water Gun!" David sang and as quickly as he was singing, Totodile unleashed blasts of water hitting Quilly directly. The force of the water made him slam his back against a nearby tree and landed on the ground.

"Quilly, are you OK?" I asked. He shivered slightly and I held my breath. Suddenly, without me telling him too he used the last of his strength to hit Totodile with a fiery tackle—Flame Wheel. It was just enough to knock Totodile unconscious. Cheering silently, I cradled Quilly in my arms. Only then did I let out my breath.

—Cheryl Ike
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This entry was kind of rushed, and I am sorry for that.