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swift arrow
12th November 2005, 1:32 AM
Different Destinies
This is a fiction in a new region focusing on three trainers and some rivals, always wondering about different way to tackle things, with a twist, the main character is a bisexual! I hope that's not too much.


Prologue-fifteen year old kid named Ryan

Ryan was dizzy, not spinning around dizzy but hangover dizzy. It was his fifteenth birthday last night and today he was leaving on the classical pokémon journey. He had slightly pale blonde hair and glittering eyes. Unfortunately he was partying until 2am with whomever he saw. He was that dizzy he nearly tripped down the stairs several times. Ryan rubbed his head before finding himself in the kitchen/ dining area.

“Morning Ryan!” his mother, Flora called out graciously, Ryan mumbled in reply,
“Guess what, I was cleaning up after your party and I found some glitter and I couldn’t help myself and I made a banner for your leaving today". Ryan mumbled again, but time it sounded more like a “really?” “Yes!” Flora continued, “and I rang our neighbors and they’re doing all this stuff to and..” even though Ryan tried his hardest to listen but he was honestly tired, without hearing the rest of what his other said “thanks, I appreciate it,” he said.

He sat down at the table and began to stretch. “O yes and one more thing!” Flora said “Keira and Michael are going to pick up the other pokémon as well!” ‘Keria and Michael’ Ryan thought , these two people had been his friends but never really met, and they had both been at his party last night, the lives of the part in fact. “Do you know what the starters will be?” he asked “Professor Maeby said to me that there was originally five, but two were taken last week.” RYan was happy, because he need that the professor would save him a good one. Professor Maeby was an impulsive scientist with twice the brain of nearly everyone in the town combined.

Later that day, Ryan dressed himself up like the classic hero (and when I say hero I mean the GBA FR/LG hero), except with more red. The sun was shining as he peered around and looked at his small town, Miracle town. It was a lush city with three or four houses and the pokémon lab. You good see everything in the town it was that small. To the south was an unknown pathway probably leading to some forest but the main attraction was right behind his house, a large rock wall which travelers went though, this was miracle pass, a small cave, and when you reached the top, you had the greatest view of the town. But it was also used to take you north west to new towns and adventures.

“Ryan buddy!” a tomboyish voice called out. It was Professor Maeby, even though she was in her labcoat, her mix of bleach blonde hair and brunette hair waved around wildy, giving her an aura of beauty" (she liked to change her hair). And what’s more, she was standing on top of miracle pass. “Professor?” Ryan called out “What are you doing?”Professor Maeby performed a shocking leap off the top of miracle pass, and Ryan gasped. . “I was taking a stroll and I decided that you could pick up your pokémon a couple of hours early!” she exclaimed “would you like to come to my lab?”

That was actually a crazy question, of course Ryan wanted to, so he nodded and they began to stroll over past the garden bed and to the front of her lab, also reflected by miracle pass. “Ryan, is that you?” a voice called out, and Ryan turned around, it was Keria, she had brown hair and the ponytail, but most of the time she liked it wavy short and back, but when it wasn’t like that, it was this, she was sweaty ands in a pink shirt and jeans, stained by sweat of fizzy drink. “Um yeah it’s me,” Ryan replied “I didn’t know you were going to the lab early, that so great mind if I pop into?” she said, beginning to jog “I’m cool with that,” Ryan said, blushing “sure you can tag along,” Professor Maeby said.

The sliding doors of the lab opened as Keira and Ryan followed Maeby in, there were a couple of desks, books computers, but in the middle back of the lab was a table with three pokéballs and two empty spots, even though, they’ve seen it moderately before, Keira couldn’t help but talk about it “So this is were the magic happens, I can’t believe all the work you put in,” she complimented, “Thanks a lot I appreciate your respect for my work,” Professor Maeby replied, Ryan also like Keira’s respect for things, and then, they arrived at the table “So I just choose?” Ryan asked, as he began to get a little shaky “simple as that!” Maeby said, Ryan stared at the three Pokéballs and looked above them, and their were three posts there two had pictures of pichu and feebas above the table, but no pokéballs below them. The other three posters featured pictures of growlithe phanpy and cacnea, Ryan sat back and began to think, about what kind of pokémon to choose, depending on the other ones he’d find thought the region to even out his team.

“I choose CACNEA!” he said roughly, “that’s my choice,” he spoke with lots of nerves picking up the pokéball, “would you like to meet it now?” Maeby asked “I’ll wait until Keira chooses as well,” Ryan replied “O cool thanks!” Keira said nicely, she then leaned forward thinking about her decision too.

“I choose PHANPY,” she spoke, looking really excited as she picked up the pokéball “let’s meet them now,” Ryan said “sure thing!” Keira exclaimed, as they threw their pokéballs into the air releasing a light to reveal cacnea and phanpy, the two pokémon gently smiled and showed their respective cries. Ryan and Keira looked at each other and smiled, Michael was walking by the window with a soccer ball, his hair was black and a big daggy but short and classic anime spiky here and their, he dressed in a black shirt and hemp pants. “good for them”, he thought, a lot like Keira, Ryan and tones of other local kids were still blurry about last night. “Good for them,”

That afternoon, phapny was by Keira’s side and cancea was son Ryan’s shoulder and they were smiling, as a bunch of people wove banners and were cheering shouting out words of good luck etc. Ryan stared at his mother and hugged her, he felt genuinely sad, and then said “I’ll be fine,” nearly smirking in a new found confidence, having a friend by your side and a new pokémon felt good, as they said their goodbye sand began to walk away when all of a sudden, Michael came running onto the scene, with a growlithe, it seemed that they had been well acquainted too, “wait you guys, can I come to?” this was happening quick, but something about Michael, that he also found in Keira, he was happy with this “sure you can come, will go by Miracle pass and see everything that happens it I’ll be so fun”, “Great!” Michael replied “This is awesome!” Keira said as well “well then good luck to you all,!” Maeby and Flora said. Ryan knew that they were right, this was great, and he turned to cacnea who smile and popped on his head.
***********************************
Reviews are appreciated, but more importantly, I really wish tht you enjoy it so far!

Insincerus
12th November 2005, 3:01 AM
I can see this is your first fic...I have quite a few suggestions for you:

1. Always capitalize "Pokémon." It looks more presentable.
2. You have a tendency to hold run-on sentences. Example:

It was a lush city with three or for houses and the pokémon lab you good see everything in the town it was that small, to the south was an unknown pathway probably leading to some forest but the main attraction was right behind his house, a large rock wall which travelers went though, this was miracle pass, a small cave, and when you reached the top, you had the greatest view of the town, but it was also used to take you north west to new towns and adventures.
Break it up into more than one sentence.
3. Your fic could use a bit more description, particularly around what sort of feelings the characters have, and why Ryan's mom let him get drunk :S
4. Run your fic through Microsoft Word Spelling/Grammar check, or any other spelling/grammar check program that you can find. It will save you from misspellings and improper grammatical phrases.
5. Read the following thread:
Advice for Aspiring Authors (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19)

Breezy
12th November 2005, 3:06 AM
Ryan was dizzy, not spinning around dizzy but hangover dizzy, it was his 15th birthday last night and today he was leaving on the classical pokémon journey.That sentence made me rather dizzy myself. @_@ This sentence is a run-on. Cut it in half after "hangover dizzy" to make it

Ryan was dizzy, not spinning around dizzy but hangover dizzy. It was his fifteenth birthday last night, and today he was leaving on the classical pokémon journey.

Numbers between 1 - 99 should be typed out. As for the "and" part that I bolded in that sentence, since it's connecting two independant clauses or two sentences that can stand by themselves, there should be a comma before "and" to connect them.

“Morning Ryan!” his mother, floracalled out graciously,Ryan mumbled in reply,Flora is a name so it should be capitalized. That bolded comma should be a period instead too so that it won't be a run-on like before. Or you could change "mumbled" into "mumbling" instead instead of making it two sentences.

“Guess what, I was cleaning up after your party and I found some glitter and I couldn’t help myself and I made a banner for your leaving today. Ryan mumbled again, but time it sounded more like a “really?” Technically, Flora is saying all this since you never ended her dialouge. =3

“Yes!” Flora continued,“and I rang our neighbors and they’re doing all this stuff to and.” even though Ryan tried his hardest to listen but he was honestly tired, without hearing the rest of what his other said “thanks, I appreciate it,” he said.Since Flora keeps on talking, there should be a comma after "she continued" to continue her sentence. Also, after "and" in Flora's dialouge, change the period into ellipses or the "..." so you can tell that she's trailing off in Ryan's mind.

Also remember that a new paragraph begins when a different subjects starts and when a different character is speaking. Like when Ryan thinks about Keira and Michael and then asks his mom what the starters are.

Professor Maeby was an impulsive scientist with twice the brain of nearly everyone in the town combined. Later that day, Ryan dressed himself up like the classic hero, except with more red.Like that. Professor Maeby and Ryan dressing like the classic hero have nothing to do with each other. What does the classic hero look like? The classic hero to me is Superhero?

Aw, the poor kid is running around in his underwear? For shame. =3

It was a lush city with three or forhouses and the pokémon lab you good see everything in the town it was that small, to the south was an unknown pathway probably leading to some forest but the main attraction was right behind his house, a large rock wall which travelers went though, this was miracle pass, a small cave, and when you reached the top, you had the greatest view of the town, but it was also used to take you north west to new towns and adventures.Uh... I thought Ryan was the one that was dizzy. :P Just because you use commas doesn't mean that you're correctly connecting sentences to sentences.

For should be for btw.

Let me try to rephrase this for you and then I'll explain it.

It was a lush city with three or four houses and the pokémon lab. You can see everything in the town, for it was that small. To the South was an unknown pathway probably leading to some forest, but the main attraction was right behind his house, a large rock wall which travelers went though. This was Miracle Pass, a small cave, and when you reached the top, you had the greatest view of the town, but it was also used to take you north west to new towns and adventures.

There. o_O It won't kill you to use more periods. You seem to know the conjunction rule (proof at the "...cave, and when you reached the top..." part. There isn't much to say except what I said before: periods can't kill.


“Ryan buddy!” a tomboyish voice called, out it was Professor Maeby, even though she was in a labcoat, her mix of bleach blonde and brunette hair (she liked to change her hair) wove around wildly, and what’s more, she was standing on top of miracle pass.That comma isn't needed. Again, after "called out," there should be a period instead. You hate them don't you? Did they egg your house? I told to them to stop, but they just don't like to listen. *slaps period* Take that you... things!

Okay, even though she was in a labcoat, her rainbow-colored hair wove around wildy? Uh. Maybe you should of said something like "even though she in her labcoat, her mix of bleach blonde hair and brunette hair waved around wildy, giving her an aura of beauty" because the stereotype of labcoats is that the person in them is a geek.

For the other part, those two don't relate to each other, so change that conjunction into the period.


“Professor?” Ryan called out “What are you doing?” Professor Maeby performed a shocking leap off the top of miracle pass, Ryan gasped. “I was taking a stroll and I decided that you could pick up your pokémon a couple of hours early!” she exclaimed “would you like to come to my lab?”
As I said earlier, a new paragraph starts when a different character speaks. Therefore, a new paragraph should of started with "Professor Maeby performened a..." part. Also at the comma part, since you love commas so much, add "and" after it so it's "Professor Maeby performed a shocking leap off the top of miracle pass, and Ryan gasped."

...you know, the rest of the story has the same redundant errors so it won't be any help to you or me if I keep repeating myself. Besides, it'd be better if you found the mistakes yourself and fixed them yourself so you can learn the complicated world of grammar yourself.

Breezy is also a very lazy girl. ._. But it's okay! And do you know why it's okay?

Neither do I.

Alrighty, storywise, there isn't much creativity in this fic at all, but who am I to say that when the fic just started? Make sure to avoid the same track of a Pokémon trainer. Give it a flare that people will appreciate, whether it be a quirky, sarcastic Pokémon or a plot that turns away from the basic trainer plot later on in the fic.

The characters, as of now, are excited (and somewhat hanged over) about being trainers which is expected. Hopefully being fifteen will develop some type of heat between the two boys or one of the boys and the girls because of icky hormones. =3 I keep thinking that they're ten instead of fifteen to be honest.

Another thing. Wouldn't the mom not let her fifteen year-old son drink? Wouldn't she know he's hung over? Wouldn't she think that he's not responsible enough to take care of a Pokémon if he can't take care of himself? :P

I'd always think it'd hurt to have a Cacnea on your head. They look heavy with those arms. Oh, and they have spikes too. o_o

LaTeR dAyZ!

swift arrow
12th November 2005, 3:39 AM
I hate the MS word grammar and spelling check, it always changes everyhting grrr. But most of the time it is helpful. I'm explaining more about the party in around chapter 2-4, and I may edit the story to both of your corrections, seriously I appreciate it.
In other news I have decided to start a PM list!
Once again ,(ha another comma) I'm really thankful, it's not the regular trainer track, the cities provide challenges for themselves, and Ryan is bi, and his god a male and a female friend so oooooo!

Breezy
12th November 2005, 9:22 PM
Parenthesis are usually used to enclose info that you don't really need, but it's good to know anyways. =3

swift arrow
13th November 2005, 5:53 AM
Thanlks for all your critisicm good bad and constructive!
I've got a great plot for the second chapter, but I've got a problem concerning speech and getting though a certain amount of events. I'd be happy to add the both of you to my new Pm list if you want!

No today, the 20th, here's the next part,
Chapter one: Choose your path


“Goodbye, we love you all!” the trio called out to the townspeople, before being shadowed by a cavern roof, which was dripping, bu thankfully the stairs were right there.

“So, Michael what are you and growlithe doing?” Keira asked.

“I want to challenge the gym leaders around here!” Michael responded.

“No way, me too!” Ryan exclaimed.

“Well I’m more interested in touring, so I might be taking a different route to get to our first destination,” Keira responded. “Ryan, what way do you want to go?”

Ryan wasn’t sure the route Michael was taking was longer, but had more access to pokémon, but Keira's route who be more picturesque and quicker.

“I don’t know yet,” Ryan decided.

Keira then leaned on his shoulder. “That’s cool," she said. They both blushed, so Keira decided to stand up again, then after turning their heads for one second, they saw Michael nearly fall backward on the stairs. Ryan gasped and quickly grabbed Michael’s hand, lifting him up.

“Man this place is more dangerous than I thought! Thanks for helping me!” Michael said.

“Anytime, I don’t want my friends being crushed after five minutes of traveling!” He joked, and then Ryan noticed he and Michael were blushing also.

“Perhaps, we should send out our pokémon, we could use some companions here,” Keira suggested.

“Great idea, go cacnea!” Ryan called.

“Phanpy, let’s go!” Keira exclaimed.

“Come on out growlithe!” Michael said.

In three flashes of light, the three pokémon appeared, letting out their cries. Cacnea quickly boarded Ryan’s shoulder, and he and the gang happily continued walking along, but then they heard a rumble in the cave. Three pokémon appeared, all burrowing out of the floors and walls.

“Wild pokémon!’ Ryan said.

“This is our perfect opportunity to have some practice battles!” Keira added.

“But first let’s find out who they are,” Michael said, contributing to this exciting moment.

The first one was easily recognized, a geodude, the next one being a slugma and the final one appeared to be a diglett.

“Shall we take one each?” Michael asked.

“Sounds good to me!” Keira replied.

“Cacnea, are you ready?” Ryan asked his companion. The pokémon nodded, as did growlithe and phanpy to Michael and Keira.

“Bags the diglett!” Michael called. “Growlithe use… um wait, I know what moves it knows… ember?”

“Dibs on slugma!” Keria said. “Phanpy use rollout! At least I know its moves!”

So Ryan had the geodude, seemed fair. Cacnea and geodude looked evenly matched, but Ryan was worried about what to do and began to shake.

“Don’t worry trust your instinct!” Michael and Keira told him in synchronization; that was good advice.

“Cacnea use needle arm!” he said, and then he realized he had picked a good move.

Growlithe launched its ember attack on diglett, who dodged and disappeared into the ground.

“Uh-oh!” Michael worried, as diglett reappeared from the ground.

Phanpy began to roll at slugma and it hit well. Keira smirked, but getting cocky couldn’t be tolerated by slugma as it hit phanpy with a flamethrower while it was turning around. “Dammit,” Keira said.

As for Ryan, cacnea’s attack landed head on, and geodude slammed into the wall and fainted. Keira and Michael looked in disbelief.

“That’s so unfair!” Keira whined.

“That’s right, it’s cruel!” Michael said, but then they felt guilty.

“Sorry Ryan,” they said right away.

“Okay guys if you’re over your dilemma, you should keep fighting!” Ryan stated. He had just given them good advice, returning the favor.

“Thanks Ryan, you’re an inspiration!” Michael cheered. “growlithe, dodge diglett by pouncing into the air and attack!” he called, and just like Michael ordered, growlithe repeated, fainting diglett. “Way to go growlithe!”

“Now it’s my turn!” Keira said strongly. “Phanpy use defense curl and then mud slap!” Phanpy let out a cry and curled up, so slugma’s next fiery pursuit failed, then phanpy uncurled and fired a shot of mud at slugma and fainted it. “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I beat it!” Keira cried.

After everything cleared up, the pokémon celebrated with their trainers. “If those were our first battles, we’ve got no problem on our journey!” Keria celebrated.

Later on, it was still the peak of the day as the gang arrived on top of Miracle Pass and they peered the excellent view of Miracle Town.

“It truly is stunning,” Ryan whispered.

So soon they began to head north west down the trail to see a canyon route, reddish brown rocks stretching high distances in a short path, soon spliting two ways. “So which way are you going?” Keira and Michael asked. Ryan had made a decision so one person would be upset, but he thought it would be the better choice anyway. “I’m going with Michael!” he said. Michael’s face lit up; this would change his personality.

Keira looked down sadly. “I understand, but I’ll see you soon right,” she said softly.

“You bet!” he said, giving her a quick hug. Even Michael felt a bit concerned for Keira, but they had to leave sooner or later.

“See you soon!” Ryan and Keira called out at each other, phanpy, cacnea, and growlithe cheering and waving as well.

Now the evening began to set. Keria looked up to the sky and sighed. She patted phanpy then smiled. “See you soon, Ryan,” she said.

On the other side of the route, Michael and Ryan found themselves on low rocks by the shore. “Let’s set up camp,” Ryan suggested.

“Man, I didn’t even think about that yet!” Michael confessed.

“And don’t worry, I’ve got a high quality tent!” Ryan said.

“Wow, you must live to look after people!” Michael said somehow nervously.

“Not really” he said. “Some people, like you and Keira, you can help but be nice too!”

Ryan awoke that morning with the water slowly hitting against his side. He figured out soon enough that Michael was a restless sleeper, having taken up the whole tent. “I’ve still got that party feeling in my arms,” Ryan complained. Cacnea was awake as well, walking around investigating bushes. The feeling Ryan had reminded him of the party. Nothing bad happened technically, but he couldn’t help remember that night...

An hour seemed to pass on before Michael woke up. Around the time he did, he was up and changed and digging though some cereal before you could say: “Boy howdy that’s quick, and I mean seriously quick.”

“So did you have a good sleep?” Ryan said with early morning anger.

“No I couldn’t,” Michael said. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

The day progressed, and sooner or later everyone was moving around when Ryan and cacnea went pokémon hunting. They had no luck, until they returned to their camp. Michael was sitting at the shore observing a shadow, and a totodile arose from the water.

“How come you get to find one?” Ryan complained, and then, an spheal leaped out of the water right in front of Ryan. “A spheal, I might want to catch that.” Cacnea, being loyal yet not hearing all of Ryan’s sentence, ran up and punched spheal in the face. Ryan wasn’t sure what to say, but then spheal jumped up and fired a barrage of bubbles back at them.

Michael was what it looked like, having a staring contest with totodile. “Alright bucko, watch as you fall into the great wits of Michael!” Totodile blasted a stream of water in Michael’s face, making him close his eyes. Totodile performed a victory dance, but then growlithe started to charge. Thankfully totodile was too clueless to realize that a Pokémon was running at it from behind, and then it fell flat on its face. Ryan took one second of his business and saw what happened, soon laughing in hysteria.

Michael held a pokéball in his hands, wondering if he wanted to catch it. He felt too unfocused. It was one of those situations where something was haunting you and if you didn’t fix it right away, you’d be ticked with yourself. He let go of the pokéball and began to think about the night of the party…

The night of the party, Ryan was walking his room looking though a checklist. Today he wanted to stick to some rules and keep organized. He knew that there was one kid coming that was mildy claustrophobic and other kids who weren’t allowed a certain amount of sugar. Keira and Michael were the first to arrive, bringing in food and drinks.

“Hi Ryan, how’s it going?” Keira and Michael asked.

“It’s all fine, and Keira, I have a note from your mother that you can’t have any of the punch!” Ryan responded, giggling.

Later on, more and more people arrived, bringing more food and talking in different groups as the music began playing louder and louder. Ryan and Keira were sitting on the window shelf and looked out over the town.

“Ooooo, I’m feeling so over emotional,” Keira said.

“Did you have the punch?’ Ryan scolded. “It’s not only that you broke a rule, you betrayed, well, my trust!”

“Listen Ryan before I get too dizzy I want to at least now that I have your trust, so I’m handing you this,” Keira said, handing him a bottle with curves along the bottom. It was clear, unlabeled, and contained an indigo-coloured fluid.

“What’s this?” Ryan asked.

“I’m glad you asked!” Keira exclaimed.

“I have always wanted to start a natural beauty range, so I spent days coming up with this cleansing shampoo. I know how to make more, so I want you to have the original, and take care of it on your journey!” Keira continued, handing Ryan to the bottle.

Ryan’s voice was muffled, but he managed to pull out some words. “This is the most impulsive yet nice thing you’ve ever done!” Ryan said.

“Are you calling me impulsive?” Keira said, about to reach an emotional extreme to the food. “How’s this for impulsive!” she said giving Ryan a big kiss on the lips so hard that when she stopped they both fell backwards.

“That’s very impulsive!” Ryan exclaimed. He could now see that Keira’s eyes were looking dry. “Why don’t you got outside, get some fresh air,” Ryan suggested.

“Uhh… thanks,” Keira said slowly walking, bending over toward the steps of Ryan’s room. Keira slowly walked down the stairs, and when she got outside she realized how late at night it was.

Ryan laid back and walked around the room, when he saw two people holding a DVD featuring a girl in a tight bikini. “Hey none of that!” Ryan shouted, running toward the kids. Ryan picked up the DVD and frantically tossed it out the window.

“Hey what’s that all about!” a kid shouted. Ryan didn’t listen as he heard another voice laughing ecstatically. It was Michael; he had one of the best yet wildest laughs known to man.

This caught Ryan’s eye as he spotted Michael setting up some card to the side of one of Ryan’s draws.

“Dude, I can’t believe you threw that DVD like that!” Michael said, giggling. “Anyway you wan to play Uno with me?”

“Can you place on a draw?” Ryan asked.

“Sure!” Michael added, trying to persuade Ryan.

“Then it’s settled, I’ll play!” Ryan exclaimed, sitting down next to Michael, as the card began to get shuffled.

As the game went on, Michael strangely found himself shifting over toward Ryan. When he was one inch away and the game ended, Michael spoke up again. “Oh yeah I forgot, here’s your present!” he said, handing Ryan a book. “It’s a book with info on pokémon and strategies!” he continued.

“Well thank you, I appreciate it!” Ryan said, smiling. “How abut you look though it while I go outside, I think I need some air,” Michael said, walking off.

Get some fresh air” sounded familiar to Ryan, but he didn't really care as he opened the book.

At the stairwell, Keira and Michael crossed paths and gave each other strange looks. Did they have ideas on what happened to each other?

The party reached three am when everybody had left. Ryan spent another half hour packing his bags. He clenched the book and the bottle as he placed them in the bag respectively. The next day around seven thirty am, Ryan woke up. This made him feel dizzy, as if an adult would feel if they were hung over.

Michael made his decision. He tossed the pokéball randomly in the air and began to dash toward Ryan. He had to find out if it was just his head or his heart that was acting on him. As he ran Ryan turned around distracted from his battle, Michael leaped forward and gave Ryan a quick kiss, and then darted back to where totodile and growlithe were.
Many thanks to bReezy for editing and last minute advice, you rock dude!

Dimitri
15th December 2005, 11:01 PM
Man SA I love your fic!! <333

Well now time for critiscism. xP I noticed some grammatical errors. Also I think you should capatilize the first letter of a Pokemon's name. And It seemed maybe like it either was rushed or didn't flow all too well. But other than that I just LOVED IT!!! Congrats and I hope you don't like this fic die. I can't wait to see where it goes.

swift arrow
16th December 2005, 3:18 AM
Sorry it's been so long, major writers block and i only had time to write on the weekens, but now its the holidays I can get it together!

Silawen
16th December 2005, 11:11 AM
It was his fifteenth birthday last night and today he was leaving on the classical pokémon journey. He had slightly pale blonde hair and glittering eyes. Unfortunately he was partying until 2am with whomever he saw. He was that dizzy he nearly tripped down the stairs several times. Ryan rubbed his head before finding himself in the kitchen/ dining area.

It had been his fifteenth birtday last night, and today he was leaving on the classical pokémon journey. He had slightly pale hair and glittering eyes. Unfortunately he had been partying till 2am with whomever he saw. He was so dizzy he nearly tripped and fell down the stairs, several times. Ryan rubbed his head before finding himself in the kitchen and dining area.

Alright, there we go. Apparently there are new rules in this new region, since our main character is leaving for his pokémon journey at the age of fifteen. If you do this, and mention is specifically, then it's often better to explain the reasoning behind it. Why did they adjust the rule used in so many other regions?

Then there's the appearance. After making a statement on his birthday and impending pokémon journey you immediately jump to his looks. You could, and should, have started a new paragraph, or at least make a nice transistion.

Again you jump from one subject to the next, without a paragraph break.

Why is he rubbing his head if he never fell? Also, you lack description here. Everything goes by at super-speed while this is the place where you set up the plot and character.


“Morning Ryan!” his mother, Flora called out graciously, Ryan mumbled in reply,
“Guess what, I was cleaning up after your party and I found some glitter and I couldn’t help myself and I made a banner for your leaving today". Ryan mumbled again, but time it sounded more like a “really?” “Yes!” Flora continued, “and I rang our neighbors and they’re doing all this stuff to and..” even though Ryan tried his hardest to listen but he was honestly tired, without hearing the rest of what his other said “thanks, I appreciate it,” he said.

"Morning, Ryan!" his mother, Flora, called out graciously. Ryan mumbled in reply.

"Guess what. I was cleaning up after your party and I found some glitter. I couldn't help myself and made a banner for your leaving today!"
Ryan mumbled again, but this time it sounded more like a, "Really?"

"Yes!" Flora continued, "And I rang our neighbours and they're doing all this stuff too, and..."

Even though Ryan tried his hardest to listen he couldn't, he was too tired. Without hearing the rest of what his mother said he replied, "Thanks, I appreciate it.

Why is Ryan's mother;
1) Not concerned that her fifteen year old son was partying till 2am?
2) Why was she cleaning up after him?
3) Why is she acting like a teenager. "Guess what." "All this stuff."


He sat down at the table and began to stretch. “O yes and one more thing!” Flora said “Keira and Michael are going to pick up the other pokémon as well!” ‘Keria and Michael’ Ryan thought , these two people had been his friends but never really met, and they had both been at his party last night, the lives of the part in fact. “Do you know what the starters will be?” he asked “Professor Maeby said to me that there was originally five, but two were taken last week.” RYan was happy, because he need that the professor would save him a good one. Professor Maeby was an impulsive scientist with twice the brain of nearly everyone in the town combined.

He sat down at the table and began to stretch.

"Oh, yes, and one more thing," Flora said, "Keira and Michael are going to pick up their pokémon as well!"

'Keira and Michael,' Ryan thought. These two people had been his friends for a while now, but had had never really met. They had both been at his party last night, they had been the lives of the party in fact.

"Do you know what the starters will be?" he ased.

"Professor Maeby said to me that there were five originally, but two were taken last week."

Ryan was happy. He knew the professor would save him a good one.

Professor Maeby was an impulsive scientist with twice the brain of nearly everyone in the town combined.

It is unlikely that to 'best friends' of a person don't know of the other's existance. It is aso very strange, why would he keep them apart? Explain why there are five pokémon starters and not three, especially seeing as in this case three would have sufficed.
Elaborate on Professor Maeby - Maybe - if you can. You've started about him, continue and let us get comfortable with him and your way of describing.


Later that day, Ryan dressed himself up like the classic hero (and when I say hero I mean the GBA FR/LG hero), except with more red. The sun was shining as he peered around and looked at his small town, Miracle town. It was a lush city with three or four houses and the pokémon lab. You good see everything in the town it was that small. To the south was an unknown pathway probably leading to some forest but the main attraction was right behind his house, a large rock wall which travelers went though, this was miracle pass, a small cave, and when you reached the top, you had the greatest view of the town. But it was also used to take you north west to new towns and adventures.


Later that day Ryan dressed himself like the classic hero, except with more red. The sun was shining as he looked around and saw his small town. Its name was Miracle Town. It was a lush town with three or four houses and a pokémon lab. It was so small that you could see everything in the town in one glance. To the south was an unkown pathway, probably leading to some forest, but the main attraction was right behind his house. A large rock wall, which travelers went through, this was Miracle Pass, a small cave. When you went up and reached the top of the wall you had the greatest view of the town. It was also used to take you north-west to new towns and adventures.

How can Ryan dress like the classic hero when there are no pokémon games in the pokémon world and thus no 'classical hero'. Also, in-story author notes are a no-go. If you need to tell us something then do it at the beginning or the end. However, it's often seen that if you can't explain it in the story then you shouldn't explain it at all. Most of the times it's unnecessary.

Miracle Town is a name, capitalize. Also, they call it Miracle Town, yet you call it a city?
If it was an unkown pathway then how did they know it was there, and how did they know it would probably lead to a forest? Why has no one checked this out yet?
I would say travellers went through an opening on the rock wall, instead of the actual rock wall. You can't go to the top if you're going into a cave. How does a cave lead you anywhere? I guess you meant tunnel.


“Ryan buddy!” a tomboyish voice called out. It was Professor Maeby, even though she was in her labcoat, her mix of bleach blonde hair and brunette hair waved around wildy, giving her an aura of beauty" (she liked to change her hair). And what’s more, she was standing on top of miracle pass. “Professor?” Ryan called out “What are you doing?”Professor Maeby performed a shocking leap off the top of miracle pass, and Ryan gasped. . “I was taking a stroll and I decided that you could pick up your pokémon a couple of hours early!” she exclaimed “would you like to come to my lab?”

Ryan, buddy!" a tomboyish voice called out.

It was Professor Maeby. Even though she was in her labcoat her mix of bleach blonde and brunette hair waved around wildly, giving her an aura of beauty. And what's more, she was standing on top of Miracle Pass.

"Professor?" Ryan called out, "What are you doing?"

Professor Maeby performed a shocking leap off the top of Miracle Pass. Ryan gasped.

"I was taking a stroll and decided that you could pick up your pokémon a couple of hours early," she answered, "Would you like to come to my lab?"

Your adult characters act like they're 14 year olds. This is not good. A tomboyish voice? People look and act tomboyish, but to sound tomboyish?
He can pick up his pokémon early? Convenient. And unlikely.


That was actually a crazy question, of course Ryan wanted to, so he nodded and they began to stroll over past the garden bed and to the front of her lab, also reflected by miracle pass. “Ryan, is that you?” a voice called out, and Ryan turned around, it was Keria, she had brown hair and the ponytail, but most of the time she liked it wavy short and back, but when it wasn’t like that, it was this, she was sweaty ands in a pink shirt and jeans, stained by sweat of fizzy drink. “Um yeah it’s me,” Ryan replied “I didn’t know you were going to the lab early, that so great mind if I pop into?” she said, beginning to jog “I’m cool with that,” Ryan said, blushing “sure you can tag along,” Professor Maeby said.

That was a crazy question, of course Ryan wanted to. So he nodded and began to stroll past the garden bed and to the front of her lab. It was also reflected by Miracle Pass.

"Ryan, is that you?" a voice asked.

Ryan turned around, it was Keria/Keira.

She had brown hair and it was tied into a ponytail. Most of the time, however, she liked it loose and wavy. She was somewhat sweaty and wearing a pink shirt and jeans, the latter stained by a fizzy drink.

"Um, yeah, it's me," Ryan replied.

"I didn't know you were going to the lab early. That's so great! Mind if I pop in too?" she asked, beginning to jog.

"I'm cool with that," Ryan said, blushing.

"Sure, you can tag along," Professor Maeby said.


The sliding doors of the lab opened as Keira and Ryan followed Maeby in, there were a couple of desks, books computers, but in the middle back of the lab was a table with three pokéballs and two empty spots, even though, they’ve seen it moderately before, Keira couldn’t help but talk about it “So this is were the magic happens, I can’t believe all the work you put in,” she complimented, “Thanks a lot I appreciate your respect for my work,” Professor Maeby replied, Ryan also like Keira’s respect for things, and then, they arrived at the table “So I just choose?” Ryan asked, as he began to get a little shaky “simple as that!” Maeby said, Ryan stared at the three Pokéballs and looked above them, and their were three posts there two had pictures of pichu and feebas above the table, but no pokéballs below them. The other three posters featured pictures of growlithe phanpy and cacnea, Ryan sat back and began to think, about what kind of pokémon to choose, depending on the other ones he’d find thought the region to even out his team.

The sliding doors of the lab opened as Keira and Ryan followed Professor Maeby in. There were a couple of desks, books and computers in the room, but in the back of the lab was a table with three pokéballs and two empty spots. Even though they'd seen it before Keira couldn't help but talk about it.

"So this is where the magic happens. I can't believe all the work you put in," she complimented.

"Thank you, I appreciate the respect you have for my work," Professor Maeby replied.

Ryan also liked the way Keira showed respect. Then they arrived at the table.

"So, I just choose?' Ryan asked, his hands a bit shaky.

"Simple as that," Professor Maeby said.

Ryan stared at the three Pokéballs and looked above them. There were three posters there. Two had pictures of pichu and feebas, but no pokéballs below them. The other three posters featured pictures of growlithe, phanpy and cacnea. Ryan sat back and began to think about what kind of pokémon he should choose. It all depended on the others he’d find throughout the region so he could even out his team.

Not a real gentleman, eh, that Ryan?


“I choose CACNEA!” he said roughly, “that’s my choice,” he spoke with lots of nerves picking up the pokéball, “would you like to meet it now?” Maeby asked “I’ll wait until Keira chooses as well,” Ryan replied “O cool thanks!” Keira said nicely, she then leaned forward thinking about her decision too.

"I choose cacnea!" he said roughly, "That's my choice."

Nervously he picked up the pokéball.

"Would you like to meet your cacnea now?" Professor Maeby asked.

"I'll wait until Keira has chosen as well," Ryan replied.

"Oh, cool, thanks!" Keira responded nicely. She then leaned forward, thinking about her decision as well.

Why roughly? Why is Keira thanking Ryan? It's not like it'll help her, or something.


“I choose PHANPY,” she spoke, looking really excited as she picked up the pokéball “let’s meet them now,” Ryan said “sure thing!” Keira exclaimed, as they threw their pokéballs into the air releasing a light to reveal cacnea and phanpy, the two pokémon gently smiled and showed their respective cries. Ryan and Keira looked at each other and smiled, Michael was walking by the window with a soccer ball, his hair was black and a big daggy but short and classic anime spiky here and their, he dressed in a black shirt and hemp pants. “good for them”, he thought, a lot like Keira, Ryan and tones of other local kids were still blurry about last night. “Good for them,”

"I choose phanpy," she spoke, looking really excited as she picked up the pokéball.

"Let's meet them now," Ryan said.

"Sure thing!" Keira exclaimed.

They threw their pokéballs into the air, releasing a light that revealed cacnea and phanpy. The two pokémon smiled gently and let out their respective cries. Ryan and Keira looked at each other and smiled.
Right that moment Michael walked by the window, holding a ball. His hair was black and a bit daggy, but short. It was also somewhat spikey. He was dressed in a black shirt and hemp pants.

'Good for them,' he thought. Like Ryan, Keira and a lot of other local kids his memory of last night was still blurry.

"Good for them."

I'm going to be very european and insist that you change it to ball, not soccer ball. ;) Prefarbly football, of course, but if you have to call it something else then please not soccer ball.

Unless what happened last night is very significant for the story line there really isn't a reason to keep mentioning it.

Don't ever, ever, mention something like anime in a story. Your readers are accepting that what is happening is real, by stating such things you're breaking that belief.

Pokémon are not human, them smiling for no reason is somewhat unlikely.


That afternoon, phapny was by Keira’s side and cancea was son Ryan’s shoulder and they were smiling, as a bunch of people wove banners and were cheering shouting out words of good luck etc. Ryan stared at his mother and hugged her, he felt genuinely sad, and then said “I’ll be fine,” nearly smirking in a new found confidence, having a friend by your side and a new pokémon felt good, as they said their goodbye sand began to walk away when all of a sudden, Michael came running onto the scene, with a growlithe, it seemed that they had been well acquainted too, “wait you guys, can I come to?” this was happening quick, but something about Michael, that he also found in Keira, he was happy with this “sure you can come, will go by Miracle pass and see everything that happens it I’ll be so fun”, “Great!” Michael replied “This is awesome!” Keira said as well “well then good luck to you all,!” Maeby and Flora said. Ryan knew that they were right, this was great, and he turned to cacnea who smile and popped on his head.

That afternoon phanpy was by Keira's side and cacnea was sitting on Ryan's shoulder. They smiled as a bunch of people waved with banners and were cherring, shouting out words of good luck. Ryan stared at his mother, then he hugged her. He felt genuinely sad, but told her, "I'll be fine."

He nearly smirked in new-found confidence. Having a friend by your side, as well as a pokémon, felt good. As they said their goodbyes and started to walk away Michael suddenly came running, a growlithe in tow. It seemed they'd been well acquainted as well.

"Wait, you guys! Can I come too?"

This was happening quite fast, but something about Michael - that he saw in Keira too - he liked. He was happy with this.

"Sure, you can come. We'll go by Miracle Pass and see what happens there. It'll be fun."

"Great," Michael replied.

"This is awesome," Keira said as well.

"Well then, good luck to you all," Professor Maeby and his mother said.

Ryan knew they were right, this was great. He turned to his cacnea who smiled and jumped on his head.

Ryan doesn't have any manners, now does he? He simply decided for Keira that Michael can come along too?

Pokémon and their trainers don't get to know each other in a short amount of time.

Overall things you need to look at:

Grammar.

You have quite a lot of errors in your sentences.

Run-on sentences.

Sentences that just keep going. You have a habit of just throwing in a comma, forsaking the period alltogether.

Character development.

We know little to none about your characters, except what they look like. We want to know about them, about their history, what makes them interesting.

Plot.

You don't seem to have a clear plot in mind.

Spelling.

You make a lot of errors, many of which can be found by letting a spell-check at it or rereading. The fact that you write Keira wrong a few times is something to think about.

Hope that helped. If you want me to tackle the other one as well, then please let me know.

swift arrow
20th December 2005, 5:08 AM
Zippa-de-do-da!
here it is!
Chapter two, Next stop, Granite City!


Michael was too caught up in his battle against Totodile to worry about what he just did to Ryan. His thoughts kept drifting away to that subject even though he was trying to keep his head clear during the battle. He then snapped out of it and ordered Growlithe to slam into the tiny blue alligator. He tumbled backward a few steps and had swirls in his eyes. “I have you.” Michael exclaimed as he threw a pokeball at him, hitting the defenseless Totodile’s head. It was sucked into a shining light and the spherical device rocked back and forth. Eventually, the pokeball stopped moving and the familiar ‘ding’ noise was heard. Now that Michael has caught Totodile he just sat on the beach and just thought. What did I get myself into…

As for Ryan, things were all happening a little bit too fast for him. He was still standing in shock but was soon jolted back to reality when his Cacnea jumped on his head to avoid an oncoming barrage of and Ice Ball attack. Ryan tried to order an attack even though he couldn’t help but shudder with nerves. “Cacnea…Um…Pin Missile attack,” Cacnea launched the attack while Spheal dodged and fired an Aurora Beam. The rainbow colored force of energy blasted into Cacnea’s side critically wounding him.

Keira was walking down a valley with Phanpy when she heard a cocky laugh, so she turned up to see who the laughing came from. There was a nerdy looking boy with a magician’s outfit, leaping down onto the ground in front of Keira. “Gary,” Keira exclaimed “Gary is that you?”

“Gary? Who is this Gary?” the teen suggested talking like a super-hero.

“Gary you’re an idiot! Stop talking like that, you are freaking me out!” Keira complained. Obviously it was Gary, a comic book lover from miracle town.

“Ah, so you have great skills of the mind young damsel, but do you have the peppiness to fight me in a battle?” Gary responded

“Listen, Gary,” Keira responded “A week before we left I said I’d battle you only if you didn’t act like some crazy,”

“Don’t say it!” Gary interrupted, “Just prepare to duel! Witness the power of my ultimate Pichu!” Without delay he threw a pokeball to release the cute yellow mouse.

Meanwhile, the Cacnea versus Spheal match had taken its toll on the two pokemon; they both looked fatigued and battered. Cacnea dashed forward to Spheal with his arm glowing light green and bashed into Spheal, toppling it backward. Ryan seized the opportunity and threw an empty pokeball at the water pokemon. The ball hit the Spheal and sucked him in through a thin beam of red light. “Spheal, you’re on my team now, Team Ryan!” He did a victory dance with Cacnea as Spheal was caught. “Whoopee!” Ryan exclaimed, holding the pokeball and still celebrating his first capture. Ryan could not wait to tell Michael, but to his dismay, Michael had left!

“Michael, Michael!” Ryan yelled out. He returned the cactus pokemon to his red and white home. Keira wasn’t around and Michael had just run off after kissing him. Ryan ran down the beach following Michael’s footprints. All I wanted was to date someone. Now look what happened. I hate this, I HATE LOVE! There was a dead end. He screamed Michael’s name.

Michael was taking a speedy run though the valley with his head down. Michael thought I’ll go to Keira; she’ll know what to do. He kept on running and the echo of Ryan’s scream rang in his ears. He managed to whisper to himself, sorry.

At Keira’s battle, the pokemon were positioned to begin, and then they leaped at one another. They clashed and landed back near their respective trainers. “Okay Pichu let’s tackle Phanpy!” Gary exclaimed, prancing around. Pichu charged at Phanpy, but Phanpy curled into a ball and the defense was too much for Pichu, who couldn’t do much damage.

“Phanpy use another defense curl!” Keira exclaimed

“As if you need more defense!” Gary whined.

“Phanpy rollout now!” Keira then called out as Phanpy rolled up, circled Pichu a couple of times and slammed into it finally fainting it and awarding Phanpy the match. “You don’t mess with me and get away with it Mr. Fancy-pants! Or should I say, FANCY-GOWN!! ” Keira gloated.

”It’s a fancy- I mean magician’s ROBE!” Gary returned Pichu to its pokeball. “You’re so mean, I hate you!” he cried, “But this won’t be the last time you’ll see me, not at all! MWA-HA-HA-HA!” Gary laughed like a psycho as he threw down a smoke bomb. It backfired and he just ended up hacking and getting blinded as he tried to run but collided with a tree.

“Dork.” Keira looked down, smiled at her small elephant buddy, and Phanpy smiled back; but little did they know that Michael approached them from behind.

“Get used to that sight, distressed guys running away from you!” Michael called out, grabbing Keira’s attention. “Sorry, fancy finding you here” he finished. Keira turned around completely and gave him a genial smile.

“You can say that again!” Keira said as they ran up to each other and hugged. “I really need some advice from a good friend now!” they both said in synchronization. Both trainers’ expressions showed curiosity and they were ready to hear the other’s story.

That night the two had dinner with Totodile Growlithe and Phanpy letting them get more acquainted. “I think I like Ryan,” They both said at the same time again “Oh my god!”
The two stared at each other, clueless as to what they should do. “We need to come up with something to work this out!” Michael suggested.

“You can say that again!” Keira responded.

Ryan walked down a rocky path looking at the night sky. “Maybe it isn’t all that bad, having nobody around to bother you!” Ryan said to himself. “Plus, Cacnea and Spheal were doing well and I could easily conquer my fear of fighting a gym leader, just a little bit more training.” Then an even better thing happened, as Ryan noticed a sign.

Granite City- 5 kilometers

Ryan then felt a great feeling of reassurance. His life was starting to get back on track. Or so he thought, for unbeknownst to Ryan a strange figure in black was watching him through a pair of binoculars from within the shadows.

Meanwhile, Keira and Michael were sleeping by a warm fire, a Clefairy danced along the higher path spreading a stream of shining sparkles as it jumped down to the camp and investigated it. It then smiled and began moving its index fingers back and forth in a rhythmical pattern and they began to glow. Metronome.

Dimitri
20th December 2005, 5:16 AM
Wow this is easily your best chappie by far! ;) I didn't see any problems with it. And now I see the potential for when the plot comes in. ^^ Hmm... I wonder who that scary man in black is. *shivers* lol

swift arrow
20th December 2005, 6:13 AM
umm yes, maaaan in black hehehe,

Dimitri
27th December 2005, 6:58 AM
Wait, maybe it's a woman in black!! Or maybe not... ^__^;; Anyways, can't wait for the next chappie!!!

swift arrow
27th December 2005, 7:00 AM
okay out of my dreams and into this fic chapter three!

Chapter three: Some Scary Clefairy!

Keira and Michael were awaking from a light sleep by the cheers of a dancing Clefairy. She waved her strange glowing blue fingers back and forth.

“What’s that?” Keira whispered softly to Michael, who was staring aimlessly. Keira squint her eyes to see the smiling Clefairy creating cerulean lights from its fingertips, and they shot towards her.

“Ahhh, help me MICHAEL!” she called in an extremely frightened yell as she was getting consumed in the azure radiation.

Ryan rolled up his sleeping bag neatly at the beginning of a clearing. There was some rock formations by his side to rest his tired head. He leaned by an oval shaped rock and heard a voice. He turned his head around the rock to see a shadowy figure. It was a woman dressed in white with a picture of a circuit on her back; she had short blue hair and was holding a pokeball in one hand and a two-way radio in the other. She began talking into it and looking from side to side as if looking for someone, or something.

“And it was Abby’s job to build the base at the icy woods” she said into the radio. “Yes I know but I’m here investigating some Clefairy using metronome to teleport people. I’ll be able to access the Great Tower soon enough, so don’t worry yourself, over and out.”

Ryan’s curiosity began getting the better of him and he wanted to figure out was going on. If only the pieces of the puzzle weren’t so hard to put together.

Gary was walking around the area of the clearing whimpering, “Get all your hopes up and for what, a horrible loss!” he cried.

“Hey, who are you? How long have you been here?” The shady lady said as she noticed Gary. “Hey kid, get back here, what have you heard?”

Gary saw the lady running at him. “Crackers!” He yelled running into Ryan’s direction. Gary kept on running until a hand grabbed his leg, Ryan’s. Ryan pulled Gary behind the rock as the figure passed them. “Ryan, thank goodness I literally ran into you!”


“Just get behind the rock,” Ryan said as the leaned against the cold rock, symbolizing that it was getting late. “So what was that lady’s deal?” Ryan continued

“Well I actually heard her talk about a Clefairy and it’s like teleporting people, or more like, ABDUCTING! OOOOO EEEEE!” Gary said waving his fingers.

“If you’re trying to make the twilight effect, it’s not working,” Ryan replied, shaking his head. He suddenly realized his mind had been taken off his love issues for the time being, which was a relief.

Then there was a cry, that of a Clefairy it sounded almost… cheery? Ryan confirmed this by looking around. “That Clefairy, it’s right here!” He announced.

“Aack, let’s move!” Gary suggested, so the two crawled over to another rock, which was safer and bigger. Ryan and Gary crawled very silently behind the rock, without letting any of their body being shown. Ryan could now hear Clefairy joyfully letting out its cry, and it was getting louder too.

"Ahh, son of a gun it's getting closer," Ryan whimpered. Ryan shuffled around the rocky ground and was shocked; Gary was being absorbed by a similar blue light and disappeared. Ryan stood up and saw nothing in the dusty open clearing.

Ryan stared blankly at the clearing and gulped “Well little boy have you seen that Clefairy,” a familiar voice said. Ryan turned around, it was that figure again.

“Go away you crazy lady!” Ryan said and started to run.

“Don’t run from me I need your help!” She shouted throwing a pokeball, “Magnemite, go chase that kid, stop him!” Magnemite appeared from a light and burst though to chase after Ryan, following the trail of dust.

Elsewhere was a cave, a small enclosed cave no bigger then a single toilet room. It was enough for 10 people to sit down in, and Keira and Gary were there. Their heads were pressed against the roof and small rocks were falling down bit by bit. “It really sucks in here,” Gary whined

“Whining, is that all you do?” Keira said “You know, that Clefairy has some issues, putting me in here with you, and the only way to stop that pest is to capture it!” Another blue light appeared and Michael burst though and tumbled over.

“Owww, I think I got a major booboo!” Michael said trying to joke.

“It’s cramped enough as it is, go away!” Keira yelled. Michael didn’t understand, weren’t they friends? Keira knew why, she realized in this cramped space there was no room to be with friends who was the person who she was competing against for Ryan’s heart.

Another blue light appeared and Clefairy came though and observed its captives. “What are you doing, little thing?” Michael asked

“Who cares!”? Keira exclaimed pulling out a pokeball. “A kidder like you isn’t going anywhere, unless it’s taking us outta here!” She screamed, rolling the ball along as it collided with Clefairy. The pokeball engulfed Clefairy in a red light and sucked it in. the ball rocked once, twice, but then a white light appeared and Clefairy jumped out! “Damn it didn’t work!” Keira grunted.

“Why don’t you try weakening it?’ Gary suggested.

“Why don’t you shut up?!” Keira yelled back, “Besides, in a place like this you couldn’t possibly battle!” Keira rolled the pokeball back and sucked Clefairy in again.

“It won’t work!” Gary cried

“It couldn’t,” Michael said. The ball rocked once, twice but to everyone’s shock Clefairy had been captured this time!

“Well then, that settles it,” Keira said, reaching for the ball “Now I’ll release it, and let it use teleport again okay. Then we can all part ways and that’s it!”

“You can’t be serious,” Michael said “We’re FRIENDS. You can’t let Ryan get in the way; we’ll come up with a solution, like we did for ages back at school. Imagine, you me and Ryan a team again, with no problems!’ Michael pleaded.

His emotional outburst of emotion didn’t get to Keira, who had seemingly turned sour. “Everybody ready to go?” she spoke ignoring Michael’s plea completely.

Ryan walked down the path, where he had lost another friend, and maybe he was supposed to ride this bronco solo. Then something good happened as he arrived on a cliff. There, he overlooked Granite City. It was beautiful, only about 10-15 small blocks, but it was by a beautiful ocean, with grassy hills on the right, and a field of large beautiful flowers to his left. Then there were stairs made of granite, Ryan walked down the stairs slowly and appreciated the beauty. He then noticed the pokemon center, on a tiny hill to the left and the gym in the far right.

Meanwhile, in the mountain clearing, one by one, the others started to appear. Soon they were all there, and started to head their own directions. Keira turned towards the Granite Town path and began to walk that way, but she was stopped. “Keira please don’t go!” Michael cried with all his heart, literally starting to cry. Keira paused and turned around.

She took a deep breath and finally gave into the tears.

“Alright, I’m so sorry!” They ran towards each other with warm open arms and embraced in a hug. “We’ll stick together, always.” And Keira smiled at Michael who smiled right back.

The lady hid behind a rock and watched them, taking to her radio. “This is Admin Marta, the teleporting Clefairy has been caught, alert the other three admins and I will return to lab D.”

Ryan arrived at the pokemon center and looked around, when he heard somebody singing. This drew his attention immediately to the TV. He couldn’t see anyone but he heard them singing.

Simple curiosity
Trying to take a bite of me
Let me show you;
Just what I’m made of now……….
Try and take on me
Because I am the best
Is it I,
You can’t take much more of,
Because one by one I’m winning battles
And I feel so great
Cause I am the leader
That’s what I’m here for,
Here for…………

“I’m guessing that’s the leader,” Ryan said.

“And is the hottest pop-star around isn’t he?” Ryan heard as he noticed an entourage of girls in pajamas giggling and running towards him. Ryan was tackled over to the ground and heard them chatter.

“Are you battling him?”

“You can’t win”

“Let’s steal his wallet,”

“The gym leader sings when he battles.”

“He is soooo hot,” The girls spoke and squealed with enthusiastic glee.

“Actually I am going to battle him,” Ryan said. That moment all the girls pulled away from him and stared oddly at his face.

“Oooooooo,” one of the girls taunted. “This man’s serious!”

“Do any of you know Keira Underwood and Michael Valentine?” Ryan suddenly asked. The girls then started to back off more.

“Were does this kid come from? Probably some hillbilly town we haven’t heard of. Let’s leave this hillbilly alone,” They chatted, scattering away. Ryan got up and dusted himself off and remembered, to the front desk he must go!



Many thanks to dimitri a star in ediitng for help with this!

Dimitri
27th December 2005, 7:32 AM
I *really* enjoyed this chapter. xP Gary is so funny. *starts wriggling and waving fingers* hehehe...

swift arrow
5th January 2006, 12:51 AM
okay everyone hold your horses *feeds pony sugar cubes* chapter five is nearly ready, but i'm worried about it because the battle seems a wee bit hard to beleive