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Lugi-oh
12th November 2005, 1:34 AM
First of all, It's been a while since I've been to serebii. My computer messed up and would not let me get on the internet. Here are a few ground rules about posting:

1. Please, no spammin, Flamin, Or anything of the sort.
2. Please be honest, tell me if I need to change parts of my story.
3. Critic my story, tell me if it's good or bad

With out further ado, on to the story.
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Halo Of Destruction: Pokemon Legend

Prologue: Legends Come To Life

It's been three years since Ash died. For some reason, when Ash Died, all legendary pokemon disappeared. No one knows what happened to them, but the legend is about to unfold.

Deo, A red haired, blue eyed kid awoke in his bed in Pallet Town. He was muscular for his age, and to top it all of, he lived in the exact same house Ash lived in when he was alive. Deo got up and walked to his closet and picked his favorite clothes, which wereA lime green A-shirt with Santuary written across the front and a pair of denim shorts.

He walked to the basement of the house and looked around. He was searching for his Pokemon, a Bagon. As he looked, he found a pokeball with a note attached. The note read:


Dear Person,

If you find this pokeball, take it to your local proffessor. Inside is a pokemon that knows where the Legendaries are.
Ash Ketchum

Deo ran out the door and towards the Oak Labs. As he ran, his bagon appeared by his side. When they reached Oak Labs, Deo ran in to Sophia, Gary Oaks daughter, and the current lead professor.

" Sophia, read this note," Deo said in a hurry," It's from THE Ash Ketchum."

She read the note and said," Follow me."

Deo followed her to a back room and watched her sit at a computer. She started to type and soon got up and walked to a device. Then she walked over to Deo and gave him a Pokedex and a trainer card.

" Take these and use the pokemon inside the pokeball and find the legendaries," She said.

Deo walked outside and threw the pokeball in the air. It landed with a thud and opened. From inside of it came a Charizard. But something was different about this Charizard, It was completely golden. Deo hopped on it's back and it started to fly in the direction of the most popular vacation spot, The Sevii Islands. It flew for a while, then landed on an island about a mile from the islands. The Charizard started to walk towards a cave and Deo followed. As He entered the cave, he saw statues of many legendary pokemon, most of which he knew, but some he didn't. He walked up to a statue of Mew, the ultimate legendary. On the statue it said," Only the Chosen One, Protector of all that is sacred, Shall Bring the Legends awake, and once again set the world to rights. The Chosen One shall find the stones of legend and bring them here.

Breezy
12th November 2005, 2:45 AM
For some reason, when Ash Dieddied doesn't need to be capitalized.

Deo, A red haired, blue eyed kid awoke in his bed in Pallet Town. neither does a. Same goes for the other sentences that have "a" capitalized.

If you find this pokeball, take it to your local proffessor. Inside is a pokemon that knows where the Legendaries are.Mmm, professor doesn't have that many f's. =3

Gary Oaks daughter, and the current lead professor."Oaks" should "Oak's" instead since she's a possesive of Gary in a sense. o.o

But something was different about this Charizard, It was completely golden.Changed that comma into a period instead. I think you intended to do that since you made "it" capitalized.

Another thing, you don't need a space after the first quotation mark.

Grammarwise, the only thing you really seem to have issues with is capitalization. Remember that the beginning of sentences, the first-person singular pronoun (I), and proper nouns (like Deo) are the only things that need to be capitalized.

I like this fic. It has a nice flow that isn't too complicted and an intriguing plot so far as well.

Obviously Ash knew that the legendaries were going to disappear when he died since he wrote that note and had that gold Charizard programmed to fly the person that found the ball to Sevii Islands to discover the secret. I wonder how though. But you're going to answer that eventually anyways, so nyah to me.

There isn't much for me to comment on since it's the prologue, so I'll wait a bit. =3

How old was Ash when he died though? Because wouldn't his mom still be living in his house? Though, he must of been around forty or fifty or maybe even older since he's Gary's age and Gary's daughter is old enough to be a professor.

LaTeR dAyZ!

Lugi-oh
12th November 2005, 5:00 PM
Well, here's chapter One. I hope you like.

Chapter One:Articuno, The Bird Of Ice

Deo saw a stone shining at the back of the cave. He walked over and picked it up. The light shot upwards and turn into what looked like a map. On the map were little dots.

"Must be the location of the stones," Deo said.

He walked to the entrance of the cave. He looked up and saw Charizard Flying above him. He started to walk towards the edge of the island. He took out the map he had in his back pocket and held it up to the other map.

"One of them is at Four Island," Deo said.

He called Charizard to him and hopped on it's back. He Pointed towards Four Island and Charizard understood. Charizard lifted it-self into the sky. It flew towards Four Island. When they got there, Deo looked at the map again. The dot was to the north, where Icefall Cave was.

Deo ran towards the cave's position and saw the entrance. He was going to have to swim, but the water had to be cold. Deo recalled Charizard and dove in. To Deo's surprise, the water was warm. He swam to the ledge and pulled himself up out of the water. He entered the cave and looked around. The water had rose since the last time he had been here. He jumped back in the water and swam to the next ledge. He pulled himself up and started to climb the wall. He reached the top and looked again at the map.

Deo was right under the dot! He looked up. Nothing. Then he saw something. It was an opening to a cave. He jumped and grabbed the ledge, then pulled himself the the opening.There he saw a statue of Articuno. He lifted his hand and a light blue orb floated to it. He grabbed it and heard a voice say,"Articuno thanks you."

When Deo got back to Icefall Cave, it had started to freeze back over. He had trouble getting back to the entrance. He kept slipping and falling. When he finally made it back to the entrance, Articuo's orb started to glow. The cave froze over and sealed up.

He ran to the pokemo center and asked for a room for the night. He got the key and went to his room to sleep. While sleeping he had a dream where he was froze by Articuno,never to e seen again. He awoke with a start. He got out of bed. It must have been three P.M. He turn a found his bagon behind him. It started to glow bright white. Then it took on the shape of a Shellgon.

"So you've been training without me," Deo said.

"Shell, Shell Shell, Shellgon," Shellgon answered back.

Deo got out Shellgons pokeball and recalled it. Then, he left the center for the pokemart. While at the mart, he bought ten Ultraballs. Then he headed towards the ferry to Seven Island. When he got there, he headed south. He was looking for a Skarmory and Larvatar. He found a hurt Skarmory and threw one of the balls at it. It pinged three times and then was still. He started to walk back towards the city and found an egg. He reached the city and went to the Pokecenter. He dropped off his pokemon and went to sleep again.

When he awoke the next day, he saw his Skarmory looking over him. Skarmory then bent down and rubbed Deo's face with it's beak. Deo petted it, then got up and recalled Skarmory. He walked to the ferry and Brought out the maps.

"Looks like the next one is on One Island," Deo said,"this is going to e a long trip."

Then, he hopped aboard the ferry. He found his room and sat at the computer. He turned it on and emailed Professor Sophia. Then he turned it off and went out on the deck to relax.
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You can probably guess which one is next.

ChaosMage
12th November 2005, 5:11 PM
OK, this writing is a bit weak. I suggest you read some other people's fics, partucularly for help in discription and content. Don't cram so much into a single paragraph. You've got good ideas- don't waste them on a badly qritten, rushed story. If my fic is anything to go by, you'll improve in no time with practise.