View Full Version : A Champions Journey

Master S
13th November 2005, 8:12 AM
Me: I hope you enjoy and since I want the Pokemon to be part of the story too and not just the trainers, the Pokemon will be able to talk.

Chapter 1: End Of A Journey

We meet our hero as he returns from coming second in the Johto league

'Finally were back' cried Grant as one small tear escaped his brilliant garnet coloured eyes. It had been a while since he last saw his home town, as the wind blew his brown hair, he thought about everything and everyone he left behind to follow his dream of becoming a Pokemon Master.

<Hay wait up, Iím not that young anymore> cried Boltz his ever faithful Pikachu who was there for him at the start.

'Or is it just that you're getting chubby around the waist' Grant said playfully with a smile on his face that would have boosted anyone's confidence.

<I'm not fat around the waist> retorted Boltz as they entered New Bark Town turning into the nearest street.

<I just over ate at breakfast that's all> answered Boltz as they took the final turning.

'Thatís the problem you always over eat' Grant replied while looking at the house, while remembering all the good times that he spent here. As he reached the last house on the street, he opened the gate and went into the garden.

'O before i forget, Boltz Return' ordered Grant, Boltz disappeared in a bright red light back into his pokeball. Grant walked towards the house glancing at his surrounding once in a while, he pushed open the door and went in. At that moment Grant tackled on to the floor by his little sister.

'Carla get off me' groaned Grant, he smiled at his sister and gave her a warm hug. a couple of minutes later Mrs Smith (there mother) came downstairs and gave Grant a hug.

'Mum..... can't.......breath' spluttered Grant due to fact that Mrs. Smith was hugging him so tightly.

'sorry dear, you look under fed Iím going to go get some lunch' said Mrs. Smith as she walked out the door and left Grant and Carla in silence.

'Grant this letter came for you' Carla said quietly and handed her brother the letter. As soon as he finished reading the letter he thought about things that he never really thought of, like the girl next door.

'What's the letter about? Carla asked in a sincere tone which how she got information from everyone in town.

'It's just professor. Elm, he wants to see me' Grant replied and smiled at his sister afterwards returning to his thoughts.

'O one more thing' Carla said slyly

'ummm... What?' asked Grant

'You're girlfriend moved away!' Carla shouted in a manner that was teasing him while jumping up and down on the couch.

'She wasnít, my Girlfriend, she was just a friend' retorted Grant

'Whatever bro'

'Tell mum Iím going to Professor. Elm ok?' Grant asked while watching his sister still jumping up and down on the couch.

'ok Iíll tell her' answered Carla watching her brother close the door.

'Hehe not I can do whatever i want' cried Carla blissfully as she started to make motions towords Grants backpack.

When Grant reached the road which lead to Professor. Elms lab, he saw his long term rival, a black haired trainer by the name of Andrew.

'Andrew... what you doing here'? Grant asked knowing he shouldnít

'I live here you dolt' retorted Andrew and drew out a pokeball.

'But since your here as well lets have a battle, Tails I Choose You!' bellowed Andrew tossing the ball towards Grant, releasing a Eevee.

'Fine then, Go Boltz' cried Grant, the Pikachu came out of the pokeball wearing it's thunder-orb around it's neck.

'Boltz lets start things off with agility' ordered Grant, Boltz soon seemed like he was teleporting, which made the pokemon harder to hit.

'Tails use Sand-Attack' ordered Andrew, unfortunaly the Sand-Attack missed and Boltz was stilling going at the same speed.

'Boltz Thunder attack' ordered Grant, the Pikachu stopped running about and sent a surge of powerful Electricity at the Eevee, the Eevee fainted and it's fur cackled with remain electricity.

'Dam Tails return' Commanded Andrew, with that the Eevee returned inside his pokeball.

'Wait till i get back from the Hoenn region Grant, then Iíll defeat you' Andrew said with such contempt, it even shocked Grant, he left going towards Olivine City.

'Sour-Puss....... Professor. Elm is waiting for me i gotta hurry come on Boltz' Cried Grant as ran towards Professor Elm's Lab.

'Hay wait up i only got four legs you know' cried Boltz while running after his trainer.

13th November 2005, 8:22 AM
Hmm. Not bad, but there's some small grammar problems and you exaggerate your descriptions a little bit. I am not trying to put you down, but merely help you improve.

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 8:49 AM
Exagerate on description? What description is there to exagerate on except the basic, no- a sub par basic ammount of description to it? There's barely enough to grasp a small concept of anything going on in this short chapter, it might as well be a script. I see nothing to make it original or stand out amongst the vastly numerous Trainer Fics out there. The battle was horrid, something not even worthy of being put into the games, as you barely described the battle, and if you hadn't even told what Tails and Boltz were, oh, and highly original names. Really. I would have been unable to guess as to what the **** they were. I doubt you've read the rules for fanfiction, read the advice, or even understand the basic needs a fanfic must have to be posted here.

Master S
13th November 2005, 10:21 AM
Hukuzo thanx for the advice i'll try that in the future, as for you renegade how about you try to write your own fan fic first before you go criticize other people!

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 10:29 AM

I hate people that don't want help

Why don't you click the damn magikarp and see my fic? And if you want your thread closed, fine, go ahead and ignore my post. Not my fault you want to be stupid and not get better, or attempt too.

Master S
13th November 2005, 11:06 AM
how the hell are you helping, hukuzo was helping you are just giving out negetive comments

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 11:14 AM
Oh. You're one of those.

that need it spelled out for them

DESCRIPTION: Tacky, pathetic and some of the worst I've seen. You describe nothing. You tell nothing. You only give people the bare, no wait, you give them less then the bare minimum to grasp at anything.

Grammar: My god, such blatant mistakes on the obvious and basic, such as periods, comas, punctuation of any sort, typos and probably other things the rest of the chapter kept me from seeing.

PLOT: Un original, tacky, lame, etc like the description. Just another sub par plot for a sub par fic.

CHARACTERS & PKMN: Like the Plot and Description before hand. THEY LACK IN EVERYTHING. From emotional depth to a personality at all!

there, can you understand the critisism I gave you in my first post now?

Master S
13th November 2005, 11:18 AM

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 11:25 AM

You do know that's bordering on flaming, right? ... probably no.

Okay, evidently you are one of the people expecting to be coddled when placing a chapter here. I pointed out what was wrong. You whined and claimed I couldn't write. I proved I could, and then you whined that it was negative. I explained, and you flame and *****. Can you show proof you have done work that has gotten better?

If not; S.T.F.U and take my advice, as I doubt you'd call a mod a bloody idiot, so why a critic of your fic -_-

And btw, if you want to try and start a flamewar; http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/6443/brains6ao.png
Basically, just idle and take my advice. Because flame wars = closed threads.

Master S
13th November 2005, 11:48 AM
i need to calm down just ignore all of little renegades comments.

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 11:54 AM
alright, fine, ignore my 'comments' and ignore the chance to get better.

But you can't ignore what's been posted in the Advice for Aspiring Authors. And no I don't love tormenting you. Wait, that's lying. Not my fault you're blatantly running around ignoring chances I've given to you to cover your tracks and keep dignity.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair color, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story. Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

You can find more like it here; http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19

Master S
13th November 2005, 12:18 PM
ok then thanks for the help then but the chapter was mainly to introduce but i do agree it does need improvements