View Full Version : Pokemon R & D (Unfinished)

13th November 2005, 8:05 PM
Pokemon R & D
Episode 1
One sunny afternoon a boy named Matt Bridiss moved into the town of Sprout Town. He walks into the forest and a wild Poochyena stares at him from the bushes….

“Honey, we’re home,” Matt’s mother says. Matt jumps out of the moving van and takes a look at their surroundings. He decides to look around in the forest.
A young boy steps beside him. “Are you a new kid here?”
Matt introduces himself. They both head into the forest.
“What was that?” Matt and the kid say. Suddenly a dog jumps out from the bushes and chases Matt.
Then a strange man in a white coat walks into the forest and sees Matt being chased by the Pokemon. The man pulls something from his pocket and throws it to Matt. “Throw it!” the man says.
Matt throws the strange device as a white light emerges from it. Then a strange-looking, big headed Pokemon popped out. He told it, “Use Bite!” The Pokemon drew its huge head back and snapped its jaw. The wild Pokemon fainted from the deadly grip of the other Pokemon’s teeth.”Yay, I beat it!” as the man pulls out a Pokeball to capture it.
They return to his lab where he formally introduces himself as Professor Redwood. He tells him that the Pokemon he had used was named a Trapinch.
Matt asks if he could have the Trapinch and is surprised when the professor says yes. Matt waves as the town tells him good-bye. Then, a youngster challenges Matt to a battle. The youngster loses 1-0. The youngster asks, “Can I please come with you on your quest?”
“Sure,” Matt says. As they walk away from Sprout Town they see a strange looking long, green dragon chasing an orange, changing object. Matt decides to call the Professor when they get to the next town of Winner’s Road….

Episode 2
Matt decides to set up camp at a large, open field. Matt hears a scurrying noise as the youngster looks up. They finally finish and go into the tent to rest….

13th November 2005, 8:11 PM
It's a tad short, and it's all been done before :< Sounds just like the games, and everything is all so gamey, the youngster didn't even have a name.

Spelling mistakes were inexistant from what I can see, but the flow of the story was a tad incoherent in an honest opinion.

It'll need quite a bit of work methinks.

Yami Ryu
13th November 2005, 9:21 PM
... you might have potential, but you threw it to the curb of the road when you RUSHED CHAPTER ONE TO BE SO GOD DAMN SHORT.

Can be summed up as; Lacky, Tacky, Sucky, Unoriginal

You didn't do anything in this except give the new trainer a Trapinch. Meaning he's going to be a Dragon or Ground trainer, and I doubt you'll try and make it original or give it any sort of plot twists to make people like it.

You're already off on a bad start with that poor quality, way too short chapter. Going by the game so hard core you've got yourself sheltered by a limitation that no good writer accepts.

Your chapter, which could have been atleast four times that length, or two chapters utterly, was squished down to something that is so boring, so utterly lacking in everything, it is an eye sore.

I suggest you read the rules and advice stickies ASAP. Or you'll see your thread closed for breaking common sense.

14th November 2005, 5:11 AM
Renegade is right. It's way to rushed.

Matt gets off the van, some kid walks up to him without giving a name or any information wat so ever, then both walk into a forest together? Would you walk into a forest with a comeplete stranger? Then some Prof, Birch wannabe gets attacked, he gets saved and gives his rescuer the pokemon that they used to save him. Way to gamey, and itz boring. Also itz really short.

Like renegade said, read the advice for aspiring authors.

14th December 2005, 12:58 AM
Hey this is good. Can you make your chapters longer. Happy Christmas!;384; ;249-d;

1st January 2006, 6:56 AM
Yeah you guys are right. I'll try to rewrite it and see what i can do.

Guitar dude bill
1st January 2006, 3:47 PM
Oh no. I'm dealing with another sucky fic again.
Right, this is more than just extremely rushed and short. It has no description, apart from trapinch had a big head, is he a balloon, how big is his head, is it the size of mount everist? fairly big? And also your characters are flat wannabe actors really, just acting out another character very badly. You didn't really have time to introduce their reality to us since it was too short. And the originality, such a copy of the R/S/E beggining the other way round with the proffesor throwing the ball the the boy in trouble, rather than the boy getting it and helping. To add originality you'll probably need to twist the plot
So overall this fic is a total failure apart from grammar.
Keep writing and read advice for aspiring authors

1st January 2006, 8:34 PM
Chapter 1
It was a hot and dry day in the moving van Matt Birdiss rode in. As he looked around he saw dry desert and large empty riverbeds. He couldn't bear to think that he would be living in this kind of terrain. He thought of what his town would look like and if he would make good friends. He hoped there would be his favorite sport there. Pokemon. He had dreamed of being the best Pokemon master ever, able to beat the best of the best. Just like Ash, Matt remembers. He started off with a Pikachu that hated him. He looked at his two Pokemon, Eevee and Jigglypuff. He hoped Eevee liked him so he could evolve Eevee into the beautiful Vaporeon, elegant Jolteon, glorious Flareon, mysterious Umbreon, or the sharp Espeon. He still couldn't pick. He didn't need know to know yet. He wonders what the town would be like as he drifted into a long, dreamless sleep...

Guitar dude bill
1st January 2006, 8:40 PM
Errrrrrrr. That was just a totally different event with the same character. Still lacks description a bit, what does Matt look like?! Well I can't really give you much of a lecture for that seeing as pro authors do that. The desert description was good though. But you didn't describe eevee or jigglypuff. But some cliches in that chapter made me confident of more cliches in future chapters. But that chapter was much better though.