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Feti
14th November 2005, 1:39 PM
I have one thing to say. If you find this story too short or something, I can't be writing 5.000 word chapters already, as this is my first fic. I wanted to write it, so I did. Don't bash it or anything like that, because I do have feelings just like other people. So instead of saying "This sucks", please just tell me what you think the problem is!

Prologue

Flannery was in her early 20s. She was slim and had a fair face, red fiery hair and beautiful brown eyes. Flannery was a Gym Leader in Lavaridge town, Hoenn, but also worked as a researcher and mainly focused on volcanoes. Flannery grew up in a small family, her father died when she was 8 years old, and her sister, Flora, only 2, which had her mother take care of them both alone. Flannery loved both her sister and mother very much and after her mother ended up in a wheelchair, Flannery had to take the responsability. Since being a Gym Leader, Flannery had other responsabilites. One of those would have a huge impact on her life, but little did she know about that.

She had been called out to Goldenrod City in Johto for a meeting of Gym Leaders. She was packing her stuff down when she noticed her sister standing in the door of her room.

"Where are you going" asked the curious 15 year old.

Flannery kept packing down while talking to her sister. "I have to go to Goldenrod for a.." She looked around the room for her cell. "..a.. Umm.." Still not finding it, she ran into the bathroom, which was straight ahead of her room.

"Flannery?" Flora followed her sister into the bathroom.

"Sorry, wait a second," She opened the medicine cabinet to find her cellphone lying among the many medicine. "How did...?" she pondered to herself as she grabbed it.

"Hello? I'm still here." Flannery finally snapped out of it and looked at her sister.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. What did you want to know?"

Flora sighed. "Where are you going?"

They both went back into the bedroom where Flannery's suitcase was. She grabbed hold of it. "I'm going to Goldenrod for a meeting"

"Goldenrod in Johto?"

"Do you know of any other Goldenrod cities?"

"No..."

Flannery started walking down the stairs, when her sister stopped her again.

"For how long will you be away?"

The red head sighed. "I'm not sure, 4 days at most.. Don't worry, I'll be back before the play!" She said as she continued down the stairs with her little sister following.

"What about Magu and Megu?" Asked another question from Flora.

Flannery was already at the bottom of the stairs. She stopped dead in her tracks. Had she forgotten about her beloved Pokemon? "Damn..." She thought to herself. Where did she leave them again.

She put down the case and ran up the stairs, almost knocking her sister down. She entered her room and looked at the drawer. "Oh, yeah!" She said as she opened it only to find the two pokeballs tangled with her underwear.

She picked them up and headed back down to Flora. "Will you do me a huge favor?" She asked her little sister.

"Depends.."

"Will you take care of Magu and Megu while I'm away?" She handed her sister the two pokeballs.

"Will I get to be the Gym Leader?" She smiled.

"No, Sorry.. I got Pyro to take care of that for me." Her little sisters smile turned into disappointment. "Come on, you still get to battle. You can go up the pass and battle around the volcano!"

The smile came back. "Thanks sis!" She said as she hugged her sister.

Just then, Ivette, the girls' mother, came out of the kitchen. "So, you're all set, huh?" She asked.

"Yup. Winona is going to pick me up in about 5 minutes." Said Flannery.

Ivette then hugged her elder daughter. "Take care and drive safe, Flann. Stay in contact with us. We want to know what's going on over in Johto."

Flannery laughed a small, sweet laughter. "Don't worry, I'll take pictures!"

Suddenly her mother started crying.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Asked Flannery.

"I'm just going to miss you so much." She wiped away the tears as the hug broke.

"Mom.. I'm going to be okay," Flannery was smiling now. "I promise, I will be okay!"

Right after she finished that sentence was a honk outside. Flora looked out the window. "Winona's here." She said.

"All right. I've gotta go now," She picked up the suitcase and opened the door.

Comments are always well appreciated.

Luigi
14th November 2005, 1:46 PM
I like it.there is one prob though,its too short.just make it about 2 paragraphs longer and your good to go."applauds"Bravo,Bravo,encore,encore.

IceKing
14th November 2005, 9:51 PM
. Flannery grew up in a small family, her father died when she was 8 years old, and her sister, Flora, only 2, which had her mother take care of them both alone.

That sentence is kind of confusing. Sounds like Flora also died to me.


I have no other comments about certain things (in case you didnt already know, megu and magu are also reffered to as meg and mag. Not saying to change it or anything). The number one problem with this fic is that there is WAY...TOO....MUCH...DIALOGUE. There is so little description and all I here is talking. You dont want a fic with a bunch of talking thats just boring. I suggest you read the advice for aspiring authors thread to learn how to improve your writing skills and add descriptions.

3/10...less speech please!

Willow's Tara
15th November 2005, 4:26 AM
Hmm it's okay for now, has the potential, I like how you added Flannery the main character.

Feti
15th November 2005, 5:15 PM
I like it.there is one prob though,its too short.just make it about 2 paragraphs longer and your good to go."applauds"Bravo,Bravo,encore,encore.
Thank you for the comment.. I don't think it would have made a lot of difference by adding 2 paragraphs.


That sentence is kind of confusing. Sounds like Flora also died to me.
I don't really understand how it can sound like Flora also died, because it says "And her sister, Flora, only 2".. Which is meaning that her father died when Flannery was 8 and her sister 2.


I have no other comments about certain things (in case you didnt already know, megu and magu are also reffered to as meg and mag. Not saying to change it or anything). The number one problem with this fic is that there is WAY...TOO....MUCH...DIALOGUE. There is so little description and all I here is talking. You dont want a fic with a bunch of talking thats just boring. I suggest you read the advice for aspiring authors thread to learn how to improve your writing skills and add descriptions.

3/10...less speech please!
Okay.. The reason I have SO much dialogue is that I need to have all that talking to explain the story and why everything happens. It's kinda just explaining the relationship between the girls and things like that. If you don't like stories with "Much Dialogue", then I'm afraid this is not the story for you! =/. But There will be less Dialogue later on..


Hmm it's okay for now, has the potential, I like how you added Flannery the main character.
Thanks for that!

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I'm currently writing Chapter One.. Hopefully it will be up before tomorrow!