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+Chaos Blade+
15th November 2005, 1:11 AM
Will the almighty Zegrortü please take heed to the calls of my fans who longed for my newest Fan Fiction! Yes, the time has arrived for me to start working on Fan Fiction once more.

A long, long time ago, I wrote a novel called Life of a Trainer. By Chapter VII, I lost interest, and started adding some weird crap to it, shortened the length of the chapters by half, and again, lost more interest. Thus leading to the end of my first Fan Fiction here at Serebii.

Then came Tarnished Scars. I lost interest twice as fast than my previous work as I over- and underdescribed, and inserted an unnecessary scene regarding a boy, a Scyther, and a lost arm.

Now is the ultimate reckoning. No turning back. No losing interest. I am now fully dedicated to this work. I will promise in the first post of the fic, that if I do not update within 2.5 weeks, I have to give them [my readers] a One-Shot, meaning, more dedication, more thinking, more typing, more fulfillment.

Throughout my career as a Fan Fiction afficionado and author, I have scouted the forums once more, and heard of new names pop up: Sike Saner, xXSaberXx, The Chesire Cat, Saffire Persian, and Scrap [well, not new, but you know where I'm going with this!]. Skimming their works, I have found that I lost all knowledge.

So I began to get more focused in writings of famous authors: Steven Pressfield, a great warfare describer, Octavia E. Butler, great with emotion and metaphoric writing, Christopher Paolini and J.K. Rowling, incorporating elements of Fantasy mixed with average life, and countless others.

They, along with the Fan Fiction authors, helped me rejuvenate my spark, and here I am, skull on desk, blood dripping from the edge, the lights off, papers scattered throughout the room, each depicting an important scene in the novel. Ooh yeah, I'm back. And I'm bad...

Bloody Turmoil takes place in what used to be a utopian village called Alëzuq, and other places in the land of Noltaria [name still uncertain]. A young boy discovers a dragon egg in the weirdest of coincidences, a bit like discovering it as if he were meant to.

This excerpt from the first chapter, the Prelude, I should say, is when a Zelfelgor walks around a deserted village to see nothing but death.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Bloody Turmoil.


~~~~~

~I~
IMPERFECTION

Alëzuq was a graveyard.

An armored foot stomped on a dusty ground of what used to be a chapel. All he saw were ashy skeletons scattered all over the dirty soil. Each posture of the skeletons were the same – shock, horror, fear, surprise. An armored hand picked up one of the skulls gently. It cracked right in his hand, and turned into a pile of ashes. The being started to walk around the chapel, his right hand holding the end of his trusty blade.

He was a Zelfelgor, a beastlike warrior with the features of both Mightyena and Houndoom. Zelfelgor were never found near Alëzuq – they were the Haven Guard of Nokraz. The beast patrolled the deserted land afraid, and started to shake nervously, losing grip on his blade.

Alëzuq was a desert.

The Zelfelgor wandered the deserted land nervously, looking at the gloomy scene in front of him. The once luscious green forest of Sedfreol was burnt down, the villages of Alëzuq were completely destroyed, and skeletons of babies not even a year old lie there, their eyes staring into a blank abyss. The Zelfelgor picked up the infant’s skull, and, like the other skull he picked up earlier, transformed into a pile of ashes.

The Zelfelgor started to weep. His knees shook, causing him to fall on his knees. Although his hands were covered in ash, he placed them over his eyes, and wept heavily. He cursed himself.

“Almighty Zegrortü, take pity on this imperfection, as this once benign land has been destroyed in one wake of your overseeing eyes; Lord, please show me why this place has been destroyed!” the Zelfelgor prayed.

His body stiffened. A sight of clouds zoomed over him, the rising and setting of many moons in a backward motion, the sharp jolts of pain that were needles that pierced his heart as he saw visions of a hellhole arising. People were hurling torches at draconic beasts that were once their protectors, stabbing their own armies with the soldiers’ own weapons. Skulls were ripped off, and soon, a gigantic brushfire emerged from the forest, destroying the fields, soon, destroying the once utopian society of Alëzuq.

The Zelfelgor’s eyes began to look up. He was shaking, the information pulsed through his head like a fast heartbeat.

He collapsed.


~~~~~

Yes, more description [OMG!], and a bit short for a preview, but nonetheless, hopefully, good. What do you think?

+Chaos Blade+

FlamingRuby
15th November 2005, 11:46 PM
Wow!!!

Very nice! Especially how you make him collapse at the end.

I know it's a bit early for this, but you deserve a ;026;

+Chaos Blade+
15th November 2005, 11:49 PM
Really? You didn't think it was too short for a preview? = / I don't know, it seems to me, it is.

Thanks for the Raichu. [Thunderbolt FR!]

+Chaos Blade+

katiekitten
16th November 2005, 12:12 AM
This is pretty good. :)
It was long enough for me to get a feel for your writing, and it has good description. As usual, I got a little confused with all of the new names, but as I normally do that, its ok.
I don't have a clue what the plot is except the part that you explained, but that is also fine as it was only an excerp.

The idea of a Zelfelgor was original, its a neat idea. Mightyena/houndoor... I wonder what it looks like. I will probably find out later. :)

As I like Dragons, you will almost certainly find me reading your fic. (Eragon is one of the best novels in the world.)

Another little sidetrack... I find that when you are creating a new world, it is often not such a good idea to change the names of all the animals. Ever read 'The Magicians Guild' by Trudi Canavan? When ever I read one of her books I get confused with all the animals...

+Chaos Blade+
16th November 2005, 12:17 AM
Thanks katiekitten for the reply!


I don't have a clue what the plot is except the part that you explained, but that is also fine as it was only an excerpt.

The plot will be revealed when it is out. Stay tuned! ^.^


The idea of a Zelfelgor was original, its a neat idea. Mightyena/houndoor... I wonder what it looks like. I will probably find out later. :)

Houndoom. Just think of an Urgal from Eragon - a beastlike animal.


As I like Dragons, you will almost certainly find me reading your fic. (Eragon is one of the best novels in the world.)

Thanks, and yes, Eragon is one of the greats.


Another little sidetrack... I find that when you are creating a new world, it is often not such a good idea to change the names of all the animals. Ever read 'The Magicians Guild' by Trudi Canavan? When ever I read one of her books I get confused with all the animals...

Sorry, I've never read, nor heard of The Magicians' Guild, but I hope I'll get to it, and don't worry, a Pronunciation Guide will be provided, so it'll act like a checklist as well, so you won't get confused.

+Chaos Blade+

jirachiman876
16th November 2005, 1:37 AM
well (doesn't know which name to use now) interesting preview here. I found a few things that could be tweaked a little to make them better. First off you got a little repetitive with armored. You start out with an armored hand then go to armored whatever else. I don't have a good suggestion to change it but it should be changed. Also

Each posture of the skeletons were the same

SHould be was the same. posture is the subject not skeletoons.
The last sentence in the second paragraph should be it's own paragraph. You kinda change subjects there. Going from history to action right off the bat. Like the description. Well BE, Den, and other names, you got a good hunk of writing on your hands and I will wait impatiently for its debut.
jirachiman out ;385;
PS: What happened to your forum anyway??? I'm still a mod but nothings happened there for like ever.

Saffire Persian
16th November 2005, 2:05 AM
The Zelfelgor doesn't seem to like the scene of battle much. This excerpt looks very promising, and I like how it starts.


Alëzuq was a graveyard.

I am a fan of those types of one liners - you know, those little statements that seem to stand out? Maybe it's because I'm a quotaphile. But in any case, I will definitely be looking out for the full version of the story once its out - I look forward to it, and its nice to see another person delving into the realm of Fantasy, which I love to no end.

There is a sentence that does sound a tad awkward:
The beast patrolled the deserted land afraid, and started to shake nervously, losing grip on his blade.

I think you need a comma after land - although I'm not the person to ask about the placement of comma, I'm NOT an expert, though Negrek is. But also the stuff that comes afterward 'and started to shake nervously' doesn't seem to quite fit . Well, to be more exact, the 'and' does not seem to belong there. How about:


The beast patrolled the deserted land, afraid. He was starting to shake nervously, beginning to lose the grip on his blade.

It sounds a bit better that way - it states more clearly that he was starting to shake because he was afraid, rather then and, which makes a slightly different impression - as in, he was afraid and shaking at the same time, even though you said he was not. And yeilds that kind of impression.

And I don't mean to be nitpicky at all. ^^ As I said, this looks very promising indeed. I just had to point that out, because it stood out as I read it.

+Chaos Blade+
16th November 2005, 3:03 AM
jirachiman:

You can call me Denny, as that is my real name, okay? Good.


First off you got a little repetitive with armored. You start out with an armored hand then go to armored whatever else. I don't have a good suggestion to change it but it should be changed.

I know, but I do not want to use malapropism [using words in the wrong sense], so I'll just keep it like that. All right?


Each posture of the skeletons were the same


Should be "was the same". Posture is the subject, not skeletons.

Yes, I should change it. Thank you for notifying that.


PS: What happened to your forum anyway??? I'm still a mod but nothings happened there for like ever.

Ironically, it has stopped. Again. XP

Saffire Persian:

Well, first of all, thanks for the banners! [You still spelled one with Judgement, but I don't really care! ^^;]

Second of all, thanks for the kudos, especially for these:


I am a fan of those types of one liners - you know, those little statements that seem to stand out? Maybe it's because I'm a quotaphile. But in any case, I will definitely be looking out for the full version of the story once its out - I look forward to it, and its nice to see another person delving into the realm of Fantasy, which I love to no end.

Two Words: EXPECT MORE!!

Third:


The beast patrolled the deserted land, afraid. He was starting to shake nervously, beginning to lose the grip on his blade.

That isn't used in the past tense. What I had was correct, because it was in the correct tense.

Anyway, thanks for the comments guys, and I'll catch you later. :: Like Fonzie :: Heeeeeeeey.

Saffire Persian
16th November 2005, 3:08 AM
0_o *looks* Present tense.. You're really good at it then, considering I didn't really notice the awkwardness that almost always come with present tense. XD.. Except for the part I pointed out. Kudos to you for using that tense - you planning on doing it the entire story?

And bah - Judgement, Judgment - still the same meaning.. just ones an older form. :p ...Which one did I miss? I thought I *had* fixed all of them. My apologies, again.

+Chaos Blade+
16th November 2005, 3:12 AM
Pshaw. Don't worry. [Voice: Be happy]. [Looks around. "WTF?"]

Anyway, yeah, I plan to make the entire fic past tense in description and present tense in speech. Ooh, complexity.

+Chaos Blade+

Kiyohime
16th November 2005, 3:39 AM
O_O Holy crap, Chaos. You got way better. The first and the last line were BOSS (Sike's rubbing off on me XP)

+Chaos Blade+
16th November 2005, 3:40 AM
O_O Holy crap, Chaos. You got way better. The first and the last line were BOSS (Sike's rubbing off on me XP)

That's something valuable from my pair-up. *thumbs up, slinks into shadows* More is to be added to the Table of Contents, like a dictionary for a fic. OMG, that's how many weird names you'll see in my fic! ^^; I'm getting more unique.

~ Denny

lilbluecorsola
16th November 2005, 3:41 AM
Har, I told you I'd review. =P

Very pretty, Denny. A good amount of description, but you didn't overdescribe either, which is excellent. You gave us just enough detail to allow the reader to picture the terrible scenes. You had me captivated.

I like the names you invented. They have a foreign sound to them. Your Mightyena/Houndoom creation sounds interesting too. This entire story looks very unique. I look forward to seeing what you have in store.

Now, for the first time ever, I'm going to be a nitpicker. oO; Don't ask me why, I just feel like it.


Each posture of the skeletons were the same – shock, horror, fear, surprise

This sounds wierd. I can picture facial expressions that could display those feelings, but postures? I'm having trouble creating an image. The best I can come up with is "twisted positions of bodies that had been fleeing from an object of terror" or something like that. It may just be me, since I'm not very observant of body language.


The beast patrolled the deserted land afraid, and started to shake nervously, losing grip on his blade.

I agree with Saffire Persian on this one. Add a comma after 'land', and seperate it into two sentences. You can still say "The beast patrolled the desert land, afraid. He started to shake nervously, losing grip on his blade."


The Zelfelgor wandered the deserted land nervously

Repetitive.


and skeletons of babies not even a year old lie there

Should be 'lay'.


The Zelfelgor picked up the infant’s skull, and, like the other skull he picked up earlier, transformed into a pile of ashes.

I think it would be better as 'which'.


the sharp jolts of pain that were needles that pierced his heart

Remove 'that'.


Skulls were ripped off, and soon, a gigantic brushfire emerged from the forest, destroying the fields, soon, destroying the once utopian society of Alëzuq.

The second 'soon' sounds repetitive. I suggest you remove it. The sentence also flows better without it, in my opinion.

Other than a lot of repetitiveness, this is a really great Prologue. The length is absolutely fine. You've given us just enough for a taste of what is to come, and you've certainly intrigued me. I cannot wait to read this. (^.^)

Ciao!

~Blue

+Chaos Blade+
16th November 2005, 3:51 AM
Wow, not bad with the nitpicking. *edits* Also, 'posture' was incorrect. I actually meant 'expressions'.

Anyway, thanks for the pickiness.

lilbluecorsola
16th November 2005, 3:54 AM
Wow, not bad with the nitpicking. *edits* Also, 'posture' was incorrect. I actually meant 'expressions'.

Anyway, thanks for the pickiness.

You're welcome. However, that still seems a bit confusing. oO; If they're skulls, how can you distinguish any expressions?

Tale
16th November 2005, 10:42 PM
Sorry I took so long, CB o.O

Anyways, I loved it! Chock-full of emotion and effect, I found no faults!

I thought as long as the preview gets its intended scene across, it doesn't matter how long it is; and this certainly got what it needed across. Intrigued me, it did.

Wonderful preview, CB, eageraly awaiting the fic itself ^-^.

+Chaos Blade+
17th November 2005, 2:35 AM
You're welcome. However, that still seems a bit confusing. oO; If they're skulls, how can you distinguish any expressions?

They were surprised when they saw the fires happen, so their jawbones were opened in a state of shock.


Wonderful preview, CB, eageraly awaiting the fic itself ^-^.

Expect it up late this month or early next month.

+Chaos Blade+

Ryano Ra
22nd November 2005, 12:56 AM
Fantastic.

You have managed to create your own world with total blends of fantasy. Fantasy here, fantasy there, fantasy everywhere. Fabulous! Everywhere here was just wonderful, I found myself wandering in the graveyard/desert with that incredible beast of yours, so congrats.

Although, I must agree on Jirachiman with repetitiveness of armored. As a fantasy writer, you must work your way around words when you use them too much, meaning become creative in your mind. Might I suggest referring to the armored beast as a hard-shield monster or steel-suited monster. People will paint the picture, realizing that it is both more creative and referring to the beast as armored. Same goes with skeletons; phrases such as 'sculpted frames of bones' or something of that nature would work pretty well, for using skeletons constantly does get tiring and detracts people. ^^;;

^^ And don't worry about malapropism (I never heard of it, and I don't want to use it. ^^ Words like that scare me), because you should be learning to imagine things in your mind, painting a more beautiful picture that can hold simplicity all at once. ^^ Did I forget to mention that I love desert/abadoned buildings/graveyard scenes?

*swirls into a complex universe and chatters eccentric languages* Again, fantastic job.

+Chaos Blade+
22nd November 2005, 1:07 AM
Fantastic.

You have managed to create your own world with total blends of fantasy. Fantasy here, fantasy there, fantasy everywhere. Fabulous! Everywhere here was just wonderful, I found myself wondering in the graveyard/desert with that incredible beast of yours, so congrats. Although, I must agree on Jirachiman with repetitiveness of armored. As a fantasy writer, you must work your way around words when you use them too much, meaning become creative in your mind. Might I suggest referring to the armored beast as a hard-shield monster or steel-suited monster. People will paint the picture, realizing that it is both more creative and referring to the beast as armored. Same goes with skeletons; phrases such as 'sculpted frames of bones' or something of that nature would work pretty well, for using skeletons constantly does get tiring and detracts people. ^^;;

^^ And don't worry about malapropism (I never heard of it, and I don't want to use it. ^^ Words like that scare me), because you should be learning to imagine things in your mind, painting a more beautiful picture that can hold simplicity all at once. ^^ Did I forget to mention that I love desert/abadoned buildings/graveyard scenes? *swirls into a complex universe and chatters eccentric languages* Again, fantastic job.

Thank you for replying to the thread of doom, Syra. As per the repetitive wording, yes, I shall change it, but I don't want to use malapropism, using words in the wrong sense.

~ Gleaming Triumph ~, Syra. That's what Bloody Turmoil is going to be. A gleaming triumph.

Ryano Ra
22nd November 2005, 1:09 AM
Well, creatively using words pertaining to the original word (ex; bones and frames and sculpted are perfect words to be used, they are like replacements for actually skeletons), then malapropism won't be worried about here.

And yes, I can tell that in your eyes, Bloody Turmoil will be a gleaming triumph. ^^ I wish you the best of luck in writing and completing this, my friend, the best of luck. ^^

+Chaos Blade+
22nd November 2005, 1:11 AM
Well, creatively using words pertaining to the original word (ex; bones and frames and sculpted are perfect words to be used, they are like replacements for actually skeletons), then malapropism won't be worried about here.

And yes, I can tell that in your eyes, Bloody Turmoil will be a gleaming triumph. ^^ I wish you the best of luck in writing and completing this, my friend, the best of luck. ^^

Thank you. I'll be sure to notify you, all of you, when this is posted on the forums. Either that or just storm in at the premiere. XP

Sky Titan
23rd November 2005, 8:36 AM
[QUOTE]His body stiffened. A sight of clouds zoomed over him, the rising and setting of many moons in a backward motion, the sharp jolts of pain that were needles that pierced his heart as he saw visions of a hellhole arising. People were hurling torches at draconic beasts that were once their protectors, stabbing their own armies with the soldiers’ own weapons. Skulls were ripped off, and soon, a gigantic brushfire emerged from the forest, destroying the fields, soon, destroying the once utopian society of Alëzuq. [=QUOTE]

I saw this in your signature a while ago with a banner for it and really wanted to catch the preview. Looks like I missed it though! It looks really great so far and I especially like the above paragrapgh. Count me in as a reader! Notify me when it premiers.

Thanks,
Ocean Blue, the Special Edition

+Chaos Blade+
23rd November 2005, 4:47 PM
His body stiffened. A sight of clouds zoomed over him, the rising and setting of many moons in a backward motion, the sharp jolts of pain that were needles that pierced his heart as he saw visions of a hellhole arising. People were hurling torches at draconic beasts that were once their protectors, stabbing their own armies with the soldiers’ own weapons. Skulls were ripped off, and soon, a gigantic brushfire emerged from the forest, destroying the fields, soon, destroying the once utopian society of Alëzuq.

I saw this in your signature a while ago with a banner for it and really wanted to catch the preview. Looks like I missed it though! It looks really great so far and I especially like the above paragrapgh. Count me in as a reader! Notify me when it premiers.

Thanks,
Ocean Blue, the Special Edition

Thanks a lot. I'll be sure to notify you when it does.

+Chaos Blade+