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Haunter
16th November 2005, 6:46 PM
Well, this is my attempt at a one-shot. Have fun. The italics are the pokémon’s thoughts and the non-italics are what’s happening.

Glimmer

As I move swiftly through the forest, I can hear them chasing me. I am frightened; wouldn’t you be?

A large black and yellow pokémon is running from what seems to be humans equipped with nets and pokèballs. The pokémon dashes into a den underneath a large tree.

It is as it has always been: I run, they follow. I, myself, am nothing special. But I am possessed by the Shine and the humans, the ones called “Trainers” and the “Collectors” as I have heard them called, yearn to possess a pokémon with the Shine.

I see them. They chase me once more.

The pokémon flees from its hiding place and is on the run once more. The humans fire nets at it from afar and miss. The pokémon is beginning to get tired.

I find myself wondering why? I have the Shine, yes, but I am not special. The Shine is a curse. It makes others wary of you and brings unwanted attention from them. Glimmer is my name and I hate it. It brings attention to the Shine.

I can hear them coming for me and I am afraid. I must act, and quick, or I will be captured.

A net is thrown. It curls around the pokémon and, when it tries to free itself, it is electrocuted. Its curly pink tail, which had been lashing wildly, falls still. A man runs to the net and throws a pokéball at the pokémon. It is captured instantly.

The pokémon’s last thought was: Why?

______

Can anyone guess the pokémon? Reply, please.

Sike Saner
16th November 2005, 9:25 PM
Guhh, I'm afraid I can't identify the Pokémon... *is brain-fried* Some shiny-lover I turned out to be, huh? ^_^;;

There was one typo that I found:


It is has it has always been:

Just take out that "h" and that'll take care of that.


Hmm...In terms of length, it's rather on the short side, even for a one-shot. Might could have used a bit more in the way of description, too. However, the Pokémon POV was quite nice; I enjoyed that.

Well, it does kind of make me feel like a bit of a heel for all the rabid shiny-hunting I confess to have done on the GBA games...although I don't imagine I'll be putting an end to that activity anytime soon. What can I say - I like shinies.

Haunter
16th November 2005, 9:27 PM
Stupid typos. Anyway, I just wanted to show how a Shiny pokemon might feel to be hunted.

A hint as to what the shiny is: It's yellow and some kinda grey/blue/black and has a pink, curly tail. It's sprite is bipedal.

Hip-Hop Master
16th November 2005, 11:00 PM
Is it Meowth?

Psychic
17th November 2005, 1:17 AM
Well, the One-Shot was ok, overall, but nothing special. I feel you could have put a bit more time and effort into it, seeing as if felt rushed, done quickly without a great deal of thought.

The description was lacking-in both surroundings and emotions. With surroundings, we didn't get the feeling of where and when-for all we know, it could have been a desert in the middle of the night. You could have added that the sun beat down on its back and that the grass underfoot was damp from the early-morning dew and so on.
I felt you could have played around more with the way the Pokémon felt. Certainly it was fearful, but you could have specified just WHAT is was afraid of and why.

It was a tad short for my taste. I know how One-Shots could be as long or short as the writer wants, as long as it gets the job done. However, in this case the length was just not sufficient. You want to draw your reader into the story, but because it was so short it didn't go much into depth, so we didn't feel into the story. You want to make your readers feel like they're there, you know?
It could have been a lot longer had you added more description and character devolopment, I think.

The way the story itself was written isn't so great. It would have been much better, much more effective had you told it in first person. This would also have made more sense, seeing as how half the story was the Pokémon's thoughts. You have no real reason to have written it in third-all the things (that weren't thoughts) could have been expressed just as easily-maybe MORE easily-in first person. just something to bear in mind.


I didn't see many mistakes, but I found that just the style of writing you used needed some tweaking. The story didn't flow very well, which wasn't so great. Also, the fact that you wrote in present tense wasn't the best choice. I always find past to be the most effective.
Anyways, the problems with the fic I did find and can correct:


The pokémon is beginning to get tired.
That sounds choppy, and when you have such a short story you want it to have a nice, good flow. I'd suggest "The Pokémon begins to tire." instead.



Glimmer is my name and I hate it.
In this story, the Pokémon's name doesn't play a very big role, and it would have been best to have left mentioning its name out.
Either way, a comma is needed after 'name', but it's still a pretty bad sentence. Reword it along the lines of "I hate my name-Glimmer."


I don't have anything else to add. My last bit of advise: try to work a bit more on your writing, as that's all it really needs. With the right work and effort put into writing, the finished product can turn out wonderfully.

~Psychic

Haunter
17th November 2005, 9:47 AM
No, not a meowth. It's not from Kanto. And thank you all for the reviews.