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Hip-Hop Master
16th November 2005, 9:43 PM
This one's rated PG




Revenge of the Clone




Prologue





Dr. Shadow stared at his latest, sleeping creation. His black bandana, with a red X printed on it, shined because of the dim light coming from the bulb from ceiling. His black leather coat, with a red shirt underneath bearing a silver dagger, looked darker than the almost pitch-black lab. And his red jeans, with the words blood on them, stood out. Also, to hide his true identity, his had black sunglasses which had flames at the sides. His pale skin, with a red scar under his left eye and black shoes made him look scarier.

Dr. Shadow was an evil scientist. His lab was big room filled with gadgets. The cloning machine was his oldest and best creation yet. It was a dusty old place, his lab. He never cleaned it because he was just too busy working on his evil schemes. Recently, his Shadow cloning machine, which cloned AND made the Pokemon Shadow, was invented. But, it ruined his life, Hawk Island and the Pokemon who lived there. The one thing he loved was cloning Pokemon but one of experiments ruined him, his life, the poor cloned Pokemon, and Hawk Island and its other, free Pokemon. He died in the destruction of Hawk Island but the monster still dwells, somewhere in the deep, dark caves of Hawk Island.

"It’s a beautiful day on Island. The sun is shining; the magnificent and stubborn Skarmory crow, the happy, playful Aipom chatter, and the cute baby Trapinch wait patiently for their Flygon mother. Everything is normal. Except one thing. Dr. Shadow’s evil creation is set loose wrecking everything in its path. "

"Suddenly, there was a huge roar. Everyone looks up at the monster. It was more than six feet tall and weighed more than four hundred pounds. Green skin, spikes running up its back and a blue stomach scared the wits out of the baby Pokemon. But its eyes scared the even the fierce Gyrados and Salamence. They were a mean blood red color instead of the normal, white eyes. Pokemon tried to flee the island but only some of the few lucky flying and water types escaped. The rest were swallowed up by the monstrosity’s Earthquake. After the disaster, beautiful Hawk Island turned into a lonely, lifeless plain where only the beast dwelt.”

No one dared to step upon Hawk Island after that. But three, stubborn trainers make the discovery of a lifetime. They will find out the TRUE secret of the monstrosity and its creator. Although accidentally, they shall be nationwide heroes, discoverers of the long, mysterious mystery of Hawk Island.

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^What will happen?^
^MWHAHAHAHAHA I WONT TELL^

RaZoR LeAf
16th November 2005, 11:14 PM
The first part about Dr Shadow sounds like you are describing him straight out of a catalogue. Not to mention that 'Dr Shadow' being an 'evil scientist' is just shipped out of Cliché Island. The bit about him dying is incredibly muddled, I had to re-read that five times before I understood what you were saying.

Needs work. Broken English abounds, not to mention clichés and poor descriptions. The whole 'evil scientist creates evil monster' has been done a million times.

Exactly what I said in your preveiw topic in the Authors Café

Hip-Hop Master
19th November 2005, 4:15 PM
Okok I suck at fanfic...my second attempt...just as rubbish as the first one

lewdon12no2
19th December 2005, 5:28 AM
A bit short- looks like you abandoned this thread- just keep trying!

Pinecone Tortoise
19th December 2005, 11:23 PM
No, you don't suck at writing fanfic - from the looks of it, just at taking criticism. Yes, what you've got is cliched, but some of the best fics come from taking cliches and turning them on their heads. A prologue isn't really enough to determine the feel of a fic.

But I do second them in that the 'evil scientist' is overdone. It seems like a sure recipe for a one-dimensional character.

On the other hand, I think you've got the potential for a great adventure fic. Sure, the plot might me cliched, but if you can rise above that and cook up a really awesome action fic, I reckon it'll be fine. But that's just my opinion - you're the author here and don't you forget it! Don't take criticism so harshly. It's not a personal assault (or it shouldn't be), but I know that writers put huge amounts of themselves into their fics and getting those knocked back can really hurt. But there's pretty much one way to get better - and that's to write more! So good luck for next chapter! I hope this helps a bit. And PM me if you want a review!

Piney.
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