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umbreon_lover
17th November 2005, 1:58 AM
The Adventures of Brago and Sol


Hello everybody!!!!!!!!! This fic is rated pg-13 for blood and swearing. It’s a journey fic I guess. The main characters are a kid named Brago, and his Absol named Sol (No….) anyway on with the fic!


Prologue: Tears from the sky


In the ocean near Birth island (Sevii) groups of Staryu, Wailmer, and Poliwhirl can be seen joyfully playing in the clear water when all of the sudden they heard a loud roar.

“Gyaraaaaaaaaaa!!!!” They all dove under water to hide as the large water dragon made its way closer to their location. But, this was not a wild Gyarados it belonged to the world famous trainer Kyoto Himura who, of course was riding it along with his four year old son, Brago. Kyoto was five feet eleven inches tall and had blue eyes and brown hair. Brago was about three feet tall, had spiky blond hair, and had green eyes. Brago didn’t have any pokemon of his own yet but he did have an egg that his father gave him.

“Why are we going here daddy?” Asked Brago innocently.
“Fine, fine, I guess I’ll tell you” Kyoto sighed “There’s supposed to be a puzzle on the island. And going to Birth Island might help your egg hatch.”

“Oh! But what kind of puzzle? I solved the one at home. It was a pretty pokeball.”

“Ha ha! Not that kind of puzzle son.” Kyoto laughed “Just a bit further Gyarados, dead ahead!” The Gyarados stopped at the shore and bent its neck so its trainer and son could get off “Good job Gyarados return!” A beam of red light shot out of the great ball Kyoto was holding.

“Hey daddy? How come poke balls are different colors?” Asked Brago.

“It’s based on how strong the ball is y’see how this one is red? That’s the weakest of the balls. Blue is pretty strong, black with yellow stripes is the second best, the strongest is purple with pink circles.”

“Have you ever used one?” asked Brago, curious now.

“Yeah, remember what I gave your mother for our anniversary?” Brago remembered the Lapras that his father had given his mother, Jainia. “Well I caught that in one of those. But we should get moving.” They moved deeper in to the jungle that surrounded the island when all of the sudden Brago’s egg began to shake “Good it’s about to hatch.” Said Kyoto proud his idea worked. The egg shook more violently now and began to crack.

“Solllllll” Squeaked the tiny Absol as it popped out of the egg. Brago was overjoyed with his first pokemon.

“Wow! He’s so cool! I’m gonna name him Sol after his first words.” Said Brago very quickly.

“Sol? Sollllll!” said Sol happily as it rubbed against Brago’s leg. Brago grinned and laughed and fell over on his back and sol began to lick him.

“Can you two hurry up?” Called Kyoto who was moving further along. Brago and Sol started running up the hill and when they got to the top they saw Kyoto standing there looking at the triangle like-thing in the middle of the plateau. “Okay the guide on Seven Island told that legend says if you run around the stone without touching it the pokemon will appear.” Grunted Kyoto through gritted teeth trying to remember Regice’s cave back in Hoen. All of the sudden he rushed toward the stone and when it looked like he was going to crash into the stone he made a sharp right and went around the stone were he smiled and gave his son a thumbs up. When the island began to rumble violently and the stone burst open revealing an orange and teal pokemon with very thick arms and a blue gem in its chest.

“At last some fool has awakened me the ruler of this island, I, Deoxys!” The pokemon’s voice echoed in their heads.

“Get back Brago” Yelled Kyoto “This-whatever it is is hostile!” He reached for a battered pokeball on his belt “Go Charziard” he yelled as he threw the ball in the air.

“Charrrrrrr!” The red dragon roared.

“Charziard use FIRE PUNCH!” roared Kyoto as he took an ultra ball off his belt and threw it behind him and Arcannine appeared in a flash of light “Arcannine protect Brago!” But back to the battle Deoxys easily blocked the fire punch and delivered a mega punch to Charziard
“Charrrrrrr” it growled weakly all of the sudden Deoxys glowed and its arms became whip like and with one stroke sliced off Charziard’s head and a fountain of blood jetted out.
“Nooooooooooooooooooo” yelled Kyoto. Seething with rage he grabbed the rest of his pokeballs and threw them and out popped a Shiftry, a Flygon, an Onix, and of course Gyarados “All right every one use hyper beam!” he ordered.

“Fools” Sneered Deoxys as it dodged the attacks and created a black hole witch swallowed his pokemon as well as his right leg.
“Arca…nnine… save…Brago…please…” Deoxys was moving closer to finish off Kyoto. Arcannine growled with worry “J-just save him dammit!” He yelled. Arcannine nodded and took off when they were on the beach they heard “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!” and Brago began to cry as Arcannine ran into the distance….

Back at birth island Deoxys was summing up the battle ‘Hmmmm… there was something about that Absol that was with them’ it thought ‘It had a strange aura... it couldn’t be’ it thought looking anxious ‘that the Absol has the power of ten thousand years?!’

Well what do you think???

Guitar dude bill
17th November 2005, 4:14 PM
looks like i review first. this was a good story. and a prologue has no talking! here are the ratings
grammar: a few mistakes for example you said is twice in a row at some part
origanality: this is original enough but it can be better
length: long for a prologue
entertainment: it's entertaining enough
description: you could use a bit more on this, try describing the pokemon more often, also describe the enviroment
BTW did you do this on word, if not do the next chapter on word, it should have corrected when you did is twice so byyy

umbreon_lover
17th November 2005, 7:50 PM
whadaya mean theres not supposed to be any talking in the prolouge. and i did do this on MS word

Yami Ryu
17th November 2005, 8:05 PM
Alright I don't care if I get yelled at again that I'm 'Mini Modding' and will get banned. You both need serious help in both erfing areas. Blingin G, I told you once I told you before, if you can't review, don't. You did not offer Any help for Umbreon Lover.

Umbreon lover, this fic is just as bad as your first one. If not the exact same thing with paragraphs this time instead of a block of text. So I will quote myself from that one;


Evidently, not many people learn from my reviews. A happy Renegade that does not make, as it means I have to review tasteless crap again, to try and help people get better.

Even if it comes off as flaming.

EVIDENTLY: You did not attempt to get better from that first/last/whatever you want to call it, attempt at a fanfic I reviewed. Nor did you learn from my review to Ice Scythers or whatever the hell his/her name is fic. Or any other fics I reviewed. But I have to thank you for one thing. Your shoddy attempt got me back in the reviewing spirit and I can take care of a review request.

Back on topic now;

Absol. One of the strongest dark types out there, that can't evolve (including Sneasel as so far without D&P released, it can't evolved), this is a Big No No. Absol is Rare Absol is Unlucky, Absol WILL EAT YOUR SOUL. Alright, not really, but why the **** would your main character be starting out with an Absol of all things, as it's pretty much proven Absol is not a welcome sight by most people.

You rushed your story, and from what I can decipher, as how you made it makes my eyes bleed, your characters run into a Deoxys.

...

Is there any ****ing reason for this little shape shifting virus`pkmn to appear in the story, aside from your very, very bad and lame attempt to create drama and an attempt of a strike of sympathy for your main character?

Probably not. Bet you just picked Deoxys because it's unlocked via a special event in FRLG, oh wait, after re-re-re-re-re-reading, I see you attempt to make a plot.

And ended up GARY STU-ING both the main character and the Absol.

So very ****ing badly.

You made no attempt to get better, you lacked in describing anything. What the **** does everyone and every pokemon look like!? and you just half assedly wrote up this shitty fic and thought, what, you could draw in reviewers? People like originality. Not un original crap that's been done to death, or something with no heart or soul to it. Your characters are flat. Two D. They have no depth or description or emotion. The same as the pokemon. You have Deoxys speak. Why? Is it because all the other psychic's speak? Is it because you thought it'd be cool? Even when it's sort of proven not everything psychic speaks, uses telepathy, or even those that people claim 'should' have telepathy have it. As the last excuse I saw for Rayquaza seriously made me laugh. The only upside that person had, was they atleast tried.

Where as you did not try.

You just made a **** fic, and well. Hopefully this time you'll learn.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to try and make the names a bit more original, and alot less like 'Bagon' and 'Soul'. I find it also laughable you made the father a Gary Stu, and I bet the mother is one also. What was the father, a Legendary Hunter? The legends are supposedly a helluva lot stronger than normal, everyday pokemon. Which is why evidently, Articuno almost pwned Charizard with Steel Wing. So yeah, basically if this was an attempt at stupidity, you made me laugh for the day.

Now I would give new writers slack, but the thing is, I've seen new writers. They put time and effort into their stories, they tinker about to try and make it the best they can, and they take help when it's offered.

I'm betting though, you might be one of those that understands star ratings so;

One out of Five stars. That's right, this story deserves a one star and closure. Why? You didn't even attempt to make the prolouge better this time around, and you had plunty of time to do so --;

Guitar dude bill
17th November 2005, 9:07 PM
whadaya mean theres not supposed to be any talking in the prolouge. and i did do this on MS word
yeah I wasn't sure. i did make a mistake on mine saying heknew. and i did it on word so i believe you. and a prologue is just saying what is going on at the moment. not what that was. o and renegade. STFU. cause i told him to do more description and do it of the pokemon. oh and umbreon_lover sorry i didn't say this but the part where sol hatched from the egg was too rushed! ok. try saying "the cracks fell apart and a flash came as a strange shadowish (don't say that. I'm just too lazy too find a decent word) pokemon appeared out of the egg!" try putting in more description next time okay! happy now renegade

Calcos the Destroyer
17th November 2005, 11:26 PM
Too short. Too unemotional. Too predictable(kinda) And, Deoxys is an alien virus, and you depict it as a god. Try to be a little more "suspensful".

Ice_Scyther
18th November 2005, 7:55 PM
I agree with Calcos the Destroyer on it. PLEASE!!! WORK ON IT! I know renegade is a bit blunt, but you know he's right.

RaZoR LeAf
18th November 2005, 8:16 PM
Prologues are meant to be an introduction to the plot that gives some general information and foreshadowing to what is ahead. There are no rules saying it cannot contain any speech. I've just grabbed three books of my shelf with Prolgue's in, and all three have had speech in them.

umbreon_lover
18th November 2005, 10:21 PM
Okay every one I'll work on it also


Blingin G, I told you once I told you before, if you can't review, don't. You did not offer Any help for Umbreon Lover. very good point. LEARN TO CRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!