PDA

View Full Version : Sideways Stories from Rondi's life.



Total Shadow
17th November 2005, 4:04 AM
Rated PG.
I got this idea about writing a fic about a school girl. My prologue is gonna be a little short, but I'll try to fix that in Chapter One.
Prologue- Safari Zone
Rondi frowned. Today, the Rustboro City School was having a Pokémon type match up quiz, but she hadn’t prepared for it. She was too busy playing Pikmin on her GameCube. When she carried her light backpack on the smooth road to school, Rondi felt like she was hauling up a bag full of Binders and Laptops on a sharp little field. She sat on a bench near the school and sighed.
Rondi wore a red shirt with a pink star on it, a pair of blue pants, and grey shoes with a yellow star in the bottom left corner. She had blonde, yellow hair and she was missing her two front teeth. Everyday she was early to school because she lived right across the street. She waited until the bell rung and got inside.

She sat in the last seat in the first row and sat her pack on the floor. She waited for her teacher, Mrs. Jewels, to come into the classroom. When she did, Rondi could already imagine her passing out papers with questions on them. Everyone would be ready but her, and she would sit there for hours.

“Class,” she announced, “the type-match up test is off.”
Everybody practically fell out of their seat but Rondi, who was smiling. “Really?” She asked, grinning. Her teacher never called off tests, but she thought it was her lucky day.
Not for long.
“Yes,” Mrs. Jewels replied, “Instead, we’re going on a field trip.”
Everybody got straight up in the chair and got crazy. Rondi fell out of her seat.
Field trip? She thought. She was unhappy again. Please, we’re probably going to go shopping in the Lilycove Shopping department… But Mrs. Jewels said that they were going to the Safari Zone.

Mac, who sat in a seat in the middle row, asked, “What’s a Safari Zone?”
“A Safari Zone is a wonderful place where you can catch rare Pokémon. The Pokémon go quickly, so you have to stay still. They're quite afraid of humans crossing their environment.”

And so, the kids boarded the school bus and they set off for the Safari Zone. They passed many beautiful cities, and when they got to Fortree City, she knew the trip had ended. The bus stopped somewhere in Lilycove City and they all walked out to the Safari Zone. It was a colorful building with a little Pokémon catching park in the back of it.

Mrs. Jewels paid for the tickets, which cost only a little bit each, and they went into the Safari Zone. But before the teacher would let them go messing up the site, she had to explain a few rules. Everybody hated it when the teacher was telling the rules, though, and barely ever listened.

The children moaned as they sat down. Still, they wanted to pay a little attention to the instructions.
“Okay, children,” she said happily, “here’s a few rules I need you to follow. First off, you must be careful and don’t damage the obstacles or Pokémon within the course. Second, you must be sure to catch at least one Pokémon to take home with you. You will get thirty balls to catch Pokémon with, and you can go to any area in here.
Last, you need to come back when we call you. And, you mustn’t pick up any items you find. Understood?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” The children recited together.
“Okay then,” Mrs. Jewels, “Have fun!”

She handed out the Pokéballs, which were none as Safari balls, and they ran off one by one.

Rondi went with her best friend Allison. She wore all green clothes, but orange shoes. They decided to go in an area nobody would find.

Suddenly, Rondi found something. It was a paper on a tree. “Hey, what’s this?” She asked, examining it.
Allison ran up to it and said, “It’s a map.”

It showed all of the Safari Zone. “Rondi pointed to it and said, “We’re in the Grass area. Up ahead is the forest area. Do you think we should go there?”

Allison smiled and said, “Yeah, let’s got there.” And so, they walked up to the forest zone, which was covered with a bunch of think trees.

“Wow…” said Rondi, “It’s beautiful… I don't think I could take a creature from this precious sight.”
But something would have changed her mind.
And suddenly, something happened. A strange figure shot out of a huge tree, and whacked the two unconscious.

FlamingRuby
17th November 2005, 4:19 AM
Hi, this is FlamingRuby, and I'll be your first reviewer today...

Description: Pretty good, especially the laptop reference
Characters: OH! I remember the Wayside School characters! I hope to see Jason and Calvin and Ron and Dana and Mauricia and Steven and Louis the yard teacher...::continues listing Wayside School characters, knowing she's forgetting a few::
Plot: This already sounds interesting! I hope you'll have references to the Wayside School stories (and a little sideways arithmetic, Pokemon style!)

Anything else?: Just space everything out and you'll be fine, K?

Rating: ;025; ;025; ;025; ;172;

Total Shadow
17th November 2005, 4:25 AM
Thanks! And, yes, I got it off of Wayside school and I know all characters! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
Anywho, I'll put my next chapter soon.

Psychic
17th November 2005, 4:46 AM
Truth be told, it isn't very good.

Let's talk about your description. Well, it was too blunt. You just stopped the story to say what Rondi looked like. Bad bad bad! You should be saying
"There was a slight breeze which made Rondi's long blond hair fly into her green eyes. Her red t-shirt flapped in the wind, the pink star in the middle dancing around. The bottoms of her blue pants were in a ripped mess because they were so long she often stepped on the ends with her grey shoes." That's the way you should be describing things, see?
You don't describe the surroundings enough. Tell us about the class, the road to school, and most importantly-the Safari Zone. You didn't describe a single part of it, not once! What did it look like-we want to know! As the writer, it's YOUR job to tell us what everything looks like so we can imagine it in our heads!

Your character. She's bland. Boring. Dull. She barely has a personality, really. None of your characters are very exciting-you need to flesh them out more, make them feel more real!

Spelling and grammar. Well, let's just say you're not the best when it comes to grammar. Your sentence sturcture is weak and your style isn't so great. I suggest proofreading your work more carefully. I mean, when you can't decide if the kids are having a test or a quiz (in High School, there is a HUGE difference bewteen the two) then you KNOW you should be re-reading your work more carefully. At least you use Microsoft Word. *pats on head*

The entire fic is unrealistic, forget about just the plot. Why? Well, think about it:
-If you live right across from your school, why should you rush to get there early? It makes more sense if you left as late as possbile-you stay home (maybe in bed) longer and don't have to wait for school to start like a loner.
-Mrs. Jewels? Oh, gimme a break! :rolleyes: The most silly, unoriginal teacher name I've ever heard! Mrs. Silver-good name. Mrs. Sapphire-fine name. Mrs. Jewels-a little too obvious. try to be more original with last name, dear.
-A quiz/test being suddenly canceled without warning? Riiiight. That doesn't happen.
-A field trip that nobody knew about. Have you never gone on a field trip? While a kid is at school, the school is held respnsible for whatever happens to the kids. Not only is taking kids out of school without parents' knowlege illegal, but travelling on a bus to a city that far away? Not only would the kids be bored to death for such a long bus ride, but if something, anything happens to a kid, the school could be sued.
-How big is a class? About 20 kids where I live. Now, I honestly don't see a school paying-I believe it is $500 dollars in the game-for that many kids! Do the math. 500 x 20=10,000, if I deserve to be in math 436. That's a LOT of moeny for a school to pay for a trip that has no educational value.
-So the kids get 30 Safari Balls and HAVE to take home Pokémon? How do you think the parents will react when they find out that their kid just brought home a pet they're not ready to take care of?!
-Yes, just let the kids wonder around unserpervised. If they get poisoned by a Spinirak or crushed by a Ryhorn, who cares? The school gets sued, the kid is terribly sick and the parents are scared enough to die. Everybody wins.
-The kids don't get maps. Well, if they get lost, the school will have a LOT of explaining to do.
-OH MY GOD, LOOK, ALLISON! SOMEONE JUST SO HAPPENED TO NAIL A MAP TO A TREE FOR NO REAL REASON! AREN'T WE LUCKY?! LET'S GO TO THE FOREST WHERE MICHAEL JACKSON IS WAITING FOR US!!

You see what I mean. All very unlikely events. Now the two girls are gonna get VERY hurt and the school will have to bring two dead girls back to a bunch of unsuspecting parents. How delightful.



Sorry, but I just don't agree with FlamingRuby. You're writing isn't as great as she percieved it to be.
You just need to put more time and effort into it, and consider the consequences of people's actions. Everything anyone does has a consequence, remember that. Also, try to make your characters show a bit more emotion and work on describing everything your character sees.

~Psychic

Yami Ryu
17th November 2005, 9:15 PM
-Yes, just let the kids wonder around unserpervised. If they get poisoned by a Spinirak or crushed by a Ryhorn, who cares? The school gets sued, the kid is terribly sick and the parents are scared enough to die. Everybody wins.
-The kids don't get maps. Well, if they get lost, the school will have a LOT of explaining to do.
-OH MY GOD, LOOK, ALLISON! SOMEONE JUST SO HAPPENED TO NAIL A MAP TO A TREE FOR NO REAL REASON! AREN'T WE LUCKY?! LET'S GO TO THE FOREST WHERE MICHAEL JACKSON IS WAITING FOR US!!

It's not part of the story but I'm laughing my arse off over here XD

And Total Shadow, Psychic's right. Flaming Ruby really isn't one to talk for greatness and everything. Ruby, I've seen your RP posts. I've seen your story posts. Don't be offended just, you know. Total Shadow; I would advise you to listen to Psychic, as she's done what I would have done.

Only she is nice about it. I'm not. So be happy.