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extremegunner
18th November 2005, 6:51 AM
Hello, this is a nameless prologue for my new fic, since the other one needs alot more fixing. Anyways, i haven't proof read it yet, so please point out my weird mistakes and tell me if its gonna work out. and i think the conclusion needs work, so i'll appreciate if anyone could help.

oh and there will be 7 sins(again) in this fics. So for now, what i've come out with are this:

Greed-Persian
Gluttony-Slaking/Snorlax
Sloth-Same as Gluttony
Envy-???(no Dittos)
Lust-Milotic, but a little overused
Wrath-Houndoom/Ursaring/Poliwrath??
Pride-Arcanine/Machamp???

So yea, i need help. As you can see some are really stereo typical like Gluttony and Sloth, not to mention, Lust. Help would be appreciated.

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A single streak of white sped through the ebony. Specks of grass and soil were tossed into the air as the ivory ray shot across the dampened grounds. The night wind was cold, brushing across his white fur and chilling him as he ran on relentlessly. Cacophony of crunching grass and twigs accompanied his escape as his violet claws thrust onto the ground, catapulting its owner forward.

Fear gripped him from every corner as the hollering of unknown language filled the air. They were coming; they were coming close to capturing him and putting him back into the confinement. His heart pounded against his chest, he could feel that his chest was seconds away from imploding. Lunging himself even further than before, he made every effort to meld with the darkness ahead of him, in hopes of hiding away from his pursuers and gaining more ground.

Defying his fate, he knew that from the moment he had broke out from the accursed prison, there was not turning back. He could never stop, he have to keep on running and running. His metal dog tag chimed as they clashed against each other while he ran on vigorously to the freedom ahead. Swerving and ducking the branches of the dense forest, a sudden light shone in his face, making him flinch a little. He retarded his steps, finally to a silent and swift stop.

He stared wide-eyed, awing at the wavering sapphire ahead of him. The sea it was, and it felt disturbingly familiar. The swishing noise from the gentle tides doused the vague screams that had followed him. His long white ears twitched, seeking for the sound of his hunters; there was none. It was serene; the whistle of the sea breeze suffused with the washing tides was calming down his tensed soul; his pulse grown softer, beating in a normal rhythm.

He rose to his feet, approaching the endless azure that was sparkling in front of him. Shutting his eyes, he enjoyed the moment of peace and quiet as much as he could. The soft sand seethed through the vacant between his toes, soothing his tired feet. Opening his eyes again, he felt the warmth of the moonlight; however the warmth was brief as his body began to heat up rapidly.

The burn was unbearable; it was as if he was thrown into a cauldron of boiling water. With a painful descend, he knelt on the soft ground and soon, timbering forward. He squirmed vigorously in agony, throwing dust of sand into the air. The scorching blaze in his body continued to burn even stronger, reaching into the every fur on him. He let out a painful howl as he pummelled his tightened fist on the ground.

Fist?

Surprised, he took a painful glance at his trembling arms. The white fur on both of his arms grown shorter and shorter, it was as if his arms were absorbing them back. His legs began to feel the same and so was the rest of his body. Every second passed by drudgingly like a century of misery; the process felt like a thousand needles piercing into his body. His claws divided into five parts, tearing away from each other. The lush white tail whipped violently into the air, reluctantly returned into his body.

He clenched his teeth, bearing down the scalding pain that was felt in every inch of his body. A terrible headache struck, his long pointy ears retracted gradually and painfully, hiding behind the scarlet side-burns.

Finally, the pain subsided. The burning sensation, obscured by the cooling night gust, which he could once felt again.

Crawling powerlessly like a helpless newborn towards the sea, he was curious and anxious about his unexpected transformation. Panting like an exhausted stray hound; he however, managed to lift up his body into a sitting position with great effort. Peering over the shimmering clear blue, his eyes soon transfixed with horror; he thought he looked like one of his many pursuers. He looked like a human…

Falling back like a startled Whismur, he raised his hands onto eye level, wriggling the fingers that had replaced his claws.

Major Valnaught!!

A sudden scream resounded in his head. He surveyed his surroundings frantically, searching for the source of the voice. It was not before long after hearing the mysterious yell, blaring noises flooded into his head like a rushing river; spine-chilling screams, deafening blast from the explosions and the rapid firing of bullets filled in his mind. He hunched forward, his fingers clawing ragingly on his scalp as the deluge of noises echoed persistently and mercilessly. Fragments of memories flashed across his mind; blurred images of blood-shed, searing bullets and a sudden explosion which shone like the burning sun, blinding his vision.

Freezing sweat broke profusely from his forehead and body, moistening his half-naked body. A sudden jolt struck across his left arm the moment he saw the image of the explosion. He winced, as the throbbing pain lingered for a short moment before vanishing away. Trickles of sweat rolled from his forehead as he sat back up straight, observing his transformed body.

What is he? He pondered.

Who is he? He thought.

“What... What the hell am I…!?” The shout of despair broke the silence of the night…

Saffire Persian
19th November 2005, 3:22 AM
Interesting - did I ever tell you I like Persian? XD. It isn't bad - I'm guessing this guy is Greed.. Bad kitty! On a whole, not to bad. The description is concrete. Though some word choices you used seemed a little odd and misplaced. Such as "grass blades" for instance. Blades of grass would even sound awkward. Try 'bits of grass and earth' or something along those lines.

Some kind of 'magic' going on here, I see. Persian before.. now human.. odd At least, that's what it seems for me to be.

I do have suggestions, instead of Milotic as Lust, what about Luvdisc? It's the 'love' pokemon... Lust in all its splendid glory. XD

As for Envy - I was thinking Jigglypuff/Wigglytuff or even Clefairy/Clefable. More Jigglypuff though.. that thing always puffs up when its mad.. or jealous. XD

As for Gluttony? Snorlax.

Sloth - Slaking is definitely a correct choice.

Wrath - Houndoom seems a good choice.

Pride - I don't mind Arcanine personally.

extremegunner
19th November 2005, 3:41 AM
Yea persian for Greed. It seemed like a pokemon that rich and malicious people loves to keep, not to mention the Pay day attack.

As for Luvdisc... well its an interesting choice, but I'd like a more psychotic apporach. But who knows, maybe that luvdisc is psychotic.

Pride and Greed would prove to be a good squabbling couple... Interesting.

Saffire Persian
19th November 2005, 4:12 AM
Mhm.. Envy could also be a Ninetails - even Lust could be a ninetails, considering the background on Kitsune. ^^.. just a thought.

extremegunner
20th November 2005, 3:13 PM
Ninetails for Lust... yes its an intrguiging idea. Go with the seductive beauty rather than the elegant beauty of a Milotic. Envy... maybe a Jynx or something, but a Wigglytuff/Clefable is interesting too... But i would want to have type variety though...

Argh... in a fix right now...

RaZoR LeAf
20th November 2005, 4:11 PM
Greed-Persian
Gluttony-Slaking/Snorlax
Sloth-Same as Gluttony
Envy-???(no Dittos)
Lust-Milotic, but a little overused
Wrath-Houndoom/Ursaring/Poliwrath??
Pride-Arcanine/Machamp???

So yea, i need help. As you can see some are really stereo typical like Gluttony and Sloth, not to mention, Lust. Help would be appreciated.


Why not Swalot for Gluttony? Snorlax seems more of a lazy pokemon than one that eats all the time, where as Swalot's pokedex says it can swallow a car tire whole.

For Greed maybe Murkrow, it has Magpie tendancies for stealing shiny objects.

extremegunner
21st November 2005, 5:19 AM
Swalot, yea maybe swalot for Gluttony, but i think i'll do away Snorlax and let Slaking be Sloth. And i think i'll keep Persian. Envy for Murkrow maybe...

So what i have now is:

Greed: Persian/Murkrow??
Sloth: Slaking
Gluttony: Swalot
Wrath: Ursaring/Houndoom/Poliwrath
Pride: Machamp/Arcanine
Envy: Jynx/Murkrow??
Lust: Ninetails

I still need help for Wrath and Pride...

Eternal Daydreamer
21st November 2005, 5:40 AM
Wrath: Feraligatr (They seem to be a wrathful bunch)
Pride: Machamp (They always seem proud)

extremegunner
22nd November 2005, 3:50 PM
I would stay away from starters... but i'm glad that someone agreed to use Machamp to symbolize Pride. Well, stil open to suggestions to any of the other sins or a review on the preview.