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alsk
18th November 2005, 10:49 AM
Hey whoever is reading this. I am quite new here and i want to take this time to write a story of great battling and a whole lot of other stuff......

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Prologue: The Beginning of A Psychic

A splendid beam of light shone through an eternal darkness that surrounded her world. The beam showed her the beauty of light and its glory. She could not believe it! A black shadow seemed to appear from thin air. It was a large creature, and she felt a large amount of psychic energy from it. Suddenly, she awaked from her deep and uncomfortable slumber.
This was the dream of the Saffron City Gym Leader Sabrina that lingered in her mind every single night. She was one of the Greatest Psychic Trainers. This was because she herself had strange powers as the pokemon she trains. Her innate ability - telekinesis.
It was a marvellous day, one Saturday. The sun was up high. The clouds drew closer to their bright and scorching friend; to shade the beings below.....Pokemon Trainers. These Pokemon Trainers were here, on the grounds of Saffron, for one same reason. The reason: The Annual Psychics Day. This event was an event where Trainers, from all over, show their Pokemon Battling skills to one another in a battle that ends when the victor - the only one standing - wins the Psychics Cup. This cup is like no other as, on top of the cup, a golden pokeball containing a powerful Psychic Pokemon is found.
Sabrina was determined. She wanted to win so badly. She needed to know. She needed to know what was so special about the pokemon captured in this special ball. She could somehow feel the psychic energy that was coming from the ball. She could recognise it. That made her even more determined.
She'd been training for months and she was sure that her pokemon would help her achieve her goal. She even battled trainers from her own gym and always came out victorious.

"All Trainers please report to the Battle Circle"

Sabrina grabbed her pokeballs and headed to the circle, only to be greeted by her rival and friend: Will.

"Ah! Sabrina, how's it going with your training?" Will said. "All's fine for me"

"It's been going great," Sabrina said enthusiastically. "I've been training hard, together with my pokemon."

"Speaking of your pokemon. How's your Kadabra doing? It's been a long time since my Xatu battled with him."

Sabrina was hoping he didn't reminded her. Will had won a match against her last year. It was a tough battle indeed. You could say it was too close to call. Kadabra had 40hp left while Xatu had 35hp. Sabrina called to her pokemon to attack Xatu with a Psybeam. Kadabra did as told, but Xatu with great speed, dodged it and shot a night shade at Kadabra; bringing down its hp to 20. Sabrina decided with a Recover, but before she was able to say a word, Will told Xatu to use a Hyper Beam. Before Sabrina's eyes, Kadabra fainted and she had lost.

Sabrina snapped out of it. "So, who are you up with first. Im against this girl called Macy."

"I think his name's Mothy.....or is it Dorothy." Will wondered awhile. "Oh! Northie."

"Anyway, I can't wait for our rematch." Sabrina said. Sabrina really hoped she'd be able to beat him.

"OK, till then." They said in unison

Clare
18th November 2005, 2:17 PM
It's a little short, but it shows promise and I can't see too many mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar. The opening paragraph is really effective. However, I would suggest you try to make your chapters longer and spin key events out a little.

katiekitten
18th November 2005, 4:26 PM
This seems good, though I am not really a fan of trainer fics myself, even if it is a gym leader. It could use a little bit more description, I don't exactly know what it is like around her. It is usually better to explain the characters surroundings, so the reader can see it all.

On the grammer/spelling point of view, it is pretty good. One grammer mistake at the end, but it is ever so small. (Im, you forgot the apostrophe) Apart from that, its good.

Insincerus
18th November 2005, 5:51 PM
As it is your first fic, I suggest you read the rules (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=30002) and Advice For Aspiring Authors (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19) before you write another chapter/edit the first one.

Your first chapter, or any chapter for that matter, must be at least a page long, while yours is nearly half or three-quarters of a page. Second, I would take all the advice given to you by the previous reviewers here. The Fan-Fiction community is a warm and welcoming one that wants you to become a great author, and in order to do that, you need some constructive criticism to go by. For example, the best way to type your fic would have each paragraph and/or dialouge separated by a space (enter/return). This should also be typed on Microsoft Word or some other type of Word Processing document, that way you can use the Spelling/Grammar check tool to spot mistakes, fix them, and make your fic look clean and acceptable.

There's not much I can tell you that these two didn't, except read the links I provided for you. Remember: longer chapters, more description, and don't flood it completely with dialouge.

~TCC

alsk
19th November 2005, 3:18 PM
oh....real sorry. I had quite a few problems after i had submitted this entry. How do one make a space when one wants to either start a paragraph or end one? Im not exactly a wiz at this HTML, but it would be much appreciated if someone could explain it to me. But not to much, I wouldn't want you to waste ur time :)

Xiang
19th November 2005, 3:40 PM
Don't worry, all you need to do is to type it up on Word or whatever you have, make sure you have the spaces like this:

"This is an example of what to do when a character is talking," so-and-so said.

"You put a space like this in between different character's dialogue," somebody else said.

And then you copy the whole thing, paste it into the reply box, and post it!

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 3:55 PM
okay, here's my review.
very good, loads'a suspence, which is excellent, keeps the reader interested and not at all long. i like that. the dialogue is confusing, never do too much dialogue, people get lost. other than that, excellent beginning!

blackemerald
19th November 2005, 9:13 PM
You need to spearate each time a person speaks with the return key and put some more description in there because all I can really see is Sabrina and Will. Try and picture that we have never seen them before and describe them to us. Not that many grammer mistakes but it is short. But keep trying and you will get there.

alsk
20th November 2005, 3:42 PM
ok...thank you. I think i'll be writing a Chapter 2 (A longer one) very soon. NO! WAIT....i think this should be like a Prologue or something because of the shortness.

Master of Legends
20th November 2005, 7:33 PM
howdy, i like it, wens the new chappie? and ur right ur a good author..... sabrina? the gymleader? from fr lg? she was hard... but my charizard owned!!!!!! ehem sorry.. neway great keep going

alsk
21st November 2005, 8:08 AM
CHAPTER 1: Trouble Lies Ahead

Sabrina stood quietly among the others. She felt uncomfortable being there; standing next to, in front of and behind people she doesn't know well, or at all. The circle she stood at was similar to the ground of a battlefield. It seemed as if SHE was the one battling. Battling for her life; for her future and destiny.

"All trainers, please get ready your pokemon."An announcer said through a microphone.

Suddenly, the ground beneath Sabrina started to rumble and then an earthquake. At least, it felt like an earthquake. Before, both spectators and trainers eyes, a platform soon rose from it's hiding - underground. The platform was quite queer as it was of different fields. Meaning, this rectangle was no ordinary platform a trainer usually battles in. In fact, it was of four different types; Ice field, sandy field, water field and the normal. At each side a box where the trainers battling are soon to be standing in appeared.

Sabrina was not at all intimidated by the strange field. In fact, she was more than ever determined to come out victorious.

"Trainers; Macy and Sabrina, please enter the Trainers' Box."

Sabrina walked out of the circle. Following behind, a girl who seems to be too young to take part in the contest briskly walked. What makes her even younger was what she was wearing. She wore clothes similar to what a seven year old would wear. Sabrina glanced at her. She'd laugh out if she could, but she knew she had to focus on the battle at hand.

Each trainer took their places in their respective box. And then a green light appeared. The green told everybody that the battle was starting. Each trainer were to only use one pokemon.

"Both Trainers, please release your pokemon."

Sabrina threw out her pokeball while Macy did the same. Out of Sabrina's pokeball came Hypno. While on the other side, a Shiny Grumpig stood on two. Sabrina was fascinated with Macy's Grumpig. But she knew she could win.

Sabrina ordered her first move. "Hypno! Poison Gas." At that, Hypno opened his mouth and let out a cloud of poisonous green gas.

Macy was well prepared with her move. "Magic Coat."

Suddenly, Grumpig began to glow red. The poison gas covered it quickly but as it slowly cleared, Grumpig didn't seemed effected. In contrast, Hypno felt woozy. It was POISONED.

Thinking fast, Sabrina called for a Hypnosis. Sabrina knew Hypno had no way of recovering from poison. Hypno, trying to take in the poison, swung his pendulum to the left and to the right.

"Grumpig, Bounce." Macy called to her pokemon. Before Hypno's hypnotic waves could effect Grumpig, Grumpig, using its' tail, bounced away and floated in mid-air for a few seconds.

Sabrina knew that it was going to hit Hypno sooner or later. So, as Grumpig started to fall, she ordered a Psychic. And so, both Hypno and Grumpig started to glow. Hypno was trying to stop Grumpig from hitting him.

But Macy, being smart, also ordered a Psychic. Both pokemon seemed to be focused on each other. Grumpig, still in mid-air, and Hypno, on the ground. Then, while they were focused on each other, Sabrina shouted: "Hypnosis!"

Before Macy could counter Hypno's attack, Grumpig dropped on the ground, asleep. With Grumpig asleep, Sabrina finished it off with a: "Dream Eater!"

Suddenly, a black glow surrounded Grumpig, and at that moment, Hypno started to feed on its' dreams and at the same time it drained its' energy while healing himself. Macy knew Grumpig had been knocked out, so she recalled her pokemon and said it did its' best.

The crowd cheered. Sabrina had won her first match. She was overjoyed, but not quite satisfied. She walked back in the Trainers' Circle, while Will and Northie walked out. Northie was rather skinny. He wore a blue shirt and white pants and at his waist, Sabrina saw a MASTER BALL.

Both trainers took their places. And as soon as the green light appeared, they threw out their pokeballs. Out of Will's pokeball came a Mr. Mime, and on his opponents side, a Girafarig stood on four. Its' tail opened its' mouth in a yawn.

Northie started with a Calm Mind. Girafarig just stood there, centering it's power. Will knew that Calm Mind was a move that could increase a pokemon's special attack and defense. So, he ordered Mr. Mime to create a light screen and to use the move: Substitute, to buy him time.

Northie knew what he was up to, so, he ordered Girafarig to continue with Calm Mind. Will ordered Mr. Mime to attack with Double Slap seeing as it was a physical attack. Mr. Mime's substitute jumped towards Girafarig and began to slap it continuously. It got hit badly but it didn't move a muscle; it stayed calm and collected.

"Girafarig Psybeam." Northie ordered.

Will told his pokemon to hide behind the Light Screen. Girafarig let out a burst of colourful beam that hit the Light Screen. The beam was so powerful that when it came in contact with the Light Screen, it broke instantly.

"Girafarig....again." Northie shouted.

Will's Mr. Mime kept dodging the beam, but as Girafarig shot its' final beam, it hit Mr. Mime, making it fall. With that, Northie ordered his pokemon to stomp the fallen Mime. It hit the Mime and the substitute disappeared. Mr. Mime quickly double-slapped his opponent, which weakened it. While Girafarig was dazed, Will ordered a Hyper Beam which hit the Long-Neck pokemon precisely.

The judge could see that Girafarig could no longer battle and was knocked out. Northie returned his pokemon and Will did the same. Sabrina was amazed on how Will out did his opponent with accurate planning.

She couldn't wait till her next battle. Her next battle........against Will.

Sabrina, first, had to wait for another round between two other trainers. Their pokemon were a Starmie and a Kirlia. The trainer with the Starmie won. The trainer (a boy) finished the battle with a Hydro Pump. The blast of water hit the confused pokemon(she was attacked by Starmie's Confuse Ray) and it fell backwards, making it faint.

As soon as it was over, the announcer called for Will and Sabrina to enter the stadium. And so, the battle STARTS. The crowd roared. A referee, a person in a black and white striped shirt, came out for the first time. Sabrina had a good look at him; he had a serious look on his face, a face that one should keep or look away when seen.

"Trainers," the referee announced. "Have your pokemon on the field."

Both Will and Sabrina threw out their pokeball. The sun above shone on the pokeball and they seemed to be sparkling under it. When both pokeballs finally hit the ground, there stood one pokemon on each side. Will was surprised. He was surprised as, on the other side, an Alakazam stood firmly; staring at his opponent: A Xatu.

"Current Battle," the referee said raising his left hand. "BEGIN." And he dropped his hand.

"Xatu!" Will shouted. "Fly."

Sabrina waited. Xatu kicked off the ground; a cloud of dust formed. Xatu flew swiftly in the air. It looked down at his opponent; circling it as a Fearow does to its' prey. Sabrina waited for its' next move. She had a plan. A plan she thought could work. Not long later, Xatu flew down with great speed; its' beak reaching forward, getting ready for the impact.

It was time, Sabrina told Alakazam to power up a Hyper Beam. As Xatu began to close in, Alakazam took in the energy to perform its' devastating move. A yellow ball of light appeared in it's mouth. Sabrina waited for the right moment, and it had arrived. Morty told Xatu to fly out of the way, and it did so.

"Alakazam, Psychic!" Will was surprised at what she had just said. It was impossible that a pokemon - any pokemon, could ever perform a Hyper Beam and a Psychic attack at the same time. But he was sadly mistaken.

The Psychic attack surrounded Xatu and held it for awhile. Precisely, Sabrina told Alakazam to fire away with the Hyper Beam.

"Xatu, Psychic!" Will said firmly. "Take evasive action."

Sure enough, Xatu broke away from Alakazam's Psychic. Will knew that eventhough Alakazam was able to perform both attacks at the same time, the Psychic attack was not as powerful as when performed alone. Alakazam fired its' beam and it collided with the wall of the stadium; completely missing the flying pokemon.

"Xatu! Nightshade." While soaring in mid-air, Xatu eyes began to glow black, and with that, it fired a black blast of darkness. It hit Alakazam head on, but the Psychic Fox stood its' ground. Sabrina was afraid as she had accountered this attack before. And sadly, none of them turned out great for her.

Miraculously, Alakazam didn't seemed to badly hurt by the attack. In fact, it was well enough for a few more of those Nightshades. But Sabrina, of course, didn't allow that. Sabrina ordered Alakazam to trap Xatu with Psychic, but Xatu broke out with one of its' own.

"Xatu! Wish." Will had it planned out, if Xatu was too badly hurt after an attack from Alakazam, the wish it made was sure to heal it. But Sabrina, who had an idea, told Alakazam to use its' Confuse Ray. Alakazam did so, and Xatu turned confused. Xatu kept flying around in circles. The wish it had made took effect and Xatu was healed. But Sabrina, ordered Alakazam to fire a Psybeam at the flying pokemon; making it fall back to the ground.

Xatu tried hard to stay in the game and it weakly scrambled to its' feet. Sabrina felt really confident when she saw Xatu.

"Alakazam! Hyper Beam." she told her pokemon.

Will was far from beaten. As when Alakazam was powering up for its' big finale, Xatu was doing the same. The crowd all stared hard at the two battling pokemon; they wanted to see who would come out on top, and as the two pokemon fired their final attacks, the answer was all in nothing but a big, thick cloud of dust that formed as the two attacks collided. And it seemed that, the winner was....


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alsk
23rd November 2005, 12:15 PM
any comments would be most appreciated...thanks....i'll be adding a newer chapter soon...

katiekitten
23rd November 2005, 4:34 PM
This is a lot better, alsk, well done. I would advize you to delete your last post, though. You're not aloud to double post when you haven't already put a chapter up.

Evaluation

Well, your description has improved greatly. I could see the surroundings, the trainers and the Pokemon this time. Keep it up.

Grammer/spelling? Aain, improved. I only found one mistake this time, two words that missed out on a space bar.

All in all, an improvement. *Thumbs up*