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pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 2:09 PM
http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/5816/thesteelchild7xp.png
Prologue

steelix and crystal onix were in a large grey cave. Crystal onix's shining body was like a light in the darkness. Steelix looked at his mate. She was so beautiful, a crystaline body made of diamond. It reflected any tiny bit of light that entered the cave. Steelix was almost as handsome. He a had pure silver body, dull grey. Some parts of his agile body were mercury, and the large metallic rocks that made up his body were up to 1 metre each! And there were ten rocks currently making up his body.

"How are the eggs?" he asked his mate. Crystal onix looked at him with love and at the shinning crystal eggs that lay beside her.

"They're fine" she replied. "oh, look, this one is hatching!"

Steelix, got up and looked, indeed, a tiny onix came out. It carcked the crystal egg open and slithered out. From top to middle, he was stone, bottom wards, he was crystal. He was an interesting combination. the rocks that formed the upper part of his body were harder than diamond and yet so silky while the crystals thet made up the bottom half were rough and as strong as the rock on a normal onix. It looked so precious, the way it slithered so delicately. Steelix smiled. "My child".

Then, out of nowhere, Giovanni came in, team rocket helicopters were everywhere. He laughed evilly as he's persian purred with success. Giovanni was a tall, well dressed man with short dark brown hair in a nice french cut.

"Run with the eggs, i'll protect you!" steelix yelled and did a rock throw at Giovanni. He simply laughed.

"Foolish creature," he spat on the ground in disgust, the rocks simply were destroyed by a lazer from one of the helicopters. They tied the steelix up in electrical wire that had spikes.

"Where is the female!?" Giovanni swore angrily, Jessie, a long purple haired girl, and James, a short purple haired boy, came out of a helicopter.

"sir, we'll get them for you!" and ran down the cave. Crystal onix was moving as fast as she could to a nearby pond, the eggs were in her curled tail. Jessie and James stepped in her way.

"Go dustox, sleeping power!" Jessie screamed like a blood thirsty maniac. Crystal onix was desperate, then her new born half-breed baby came to her rescue and did a dooms day ray! Jessie, James and dustox were blasted back and became unconscious. But the ray also destryed all the other eggs but one...

Crystal onix was captured by te helicopters (Giovanni didnt trust Jessie and James) but the half-breed and the egg rolled into the water unnoticed...

okay, please comment on this to help me improve, please don't be too harsh and also, gimme ideas fro the 1st chapter. thanx y'all who comment.

Jetx
19th November 2005, 2:20 PM
I see this is an anime based fic, I spotted two mistakes it says 'Jessie, Jmaes and dustox' and 'captured by te helicopters' but apart from that I like this fic it's very interesting, I wanna read on and see what'll happen, a good fic so far well done

alsk
19th November 2005, 2:26 PM
Quite a good start i'd say

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 2:29 PM
thanx alot, i appreciate it. any ideas on chapter one?

Guitar dude bill
19th November 2005, 2:32 PM
*inhales* first off. too short. well it's only a prologue so i can let you off their. second off. you are supposed to use speech marks for speech. not different colours. third off this fic gets into plot way too quickly. fourth off you made a few grammar mistakes like he's. it's his. no offense but this fic is terrible. it is lacking description terribly. I'm sure if you purt in more effort and do more description and do speech marks and not different colours for the love of the worlds creators. here are the ratings
originality: it's an original fan-fic but not original. you can still change the story line to improve the originality
description: any? Describe the enviroment. describe the people. describe the actions. describe the pokemon. you need a ton more of description
plot: unoriginal. and it rushes into the plot so quickly
grammar: use speech marks! and you don't use his right you said he's. DO MORE PUNCTUATION
entertainment. really is it at all entertaining
this story can be good but the amount of faults you made makes it appauling. so take my advice and make the next chapter good using reviewers advice

Xiang
19th November 2005, 2:38 PM
Don't put such big font. There is no description, and you need to introduce the characters first.

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 2:40 PM
okay, thanx. i will correct the grammer, different colours are used only when pkmn are talking cause i like it that way, when humans talk, i use speeck marks, don't tell me it ain't original, and u don't tell me why, and u can't guess what'll happen next cause it is a prologue, not a chapter. thanx for the review.

Xiang
19th November 2005, 2:42 PM
Your welcome.

I like it when writers accept people's criticism. That shows respect. ^^

Guitar dude bill
19th November 2005, 2:46 PM
okay, thanx. i will correct the grammer, different colours are used only when pkmn are talking cause i like it that way, when humans talk, i use speeck marks, don't tell me it ain't original, and u don't tell me why, and u can't guess what'll happen next cause it is a prologue, not a chapter. thanx for the review. i did say you can improve the originality in the first chapter so sorry if i didn't make that clear. and sorry for not stating it why it was unorignal. it was original for a fan-fic but it was too similar to the series and movies. but i did say you can make it good in the first chapter. a second suggestion. Use speech marks "And" different colours. like the idea? and i'm only trying to help you improve.

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 2:52 PM
i understand, thanx alot, i truley appreciate it. and yes, i will change to speech marks and change ofcolour. you have been very helpful. thanx alot, plz continue reading.

Guitar dude bill
19th November 2005, 2:59 PM
your welcome. and i'll keep reading. taking reviewers advice and using it makes you a good author. I check fics i review regularly. though sometimes i forget to check it. and authors. don't do what i was going to do once (and a couple of other authors i know, possibly). give up over negative reviews. luckily you are one that does not do that

pisces_beedrill
19th November 2005, 3:03 PM
thanx, the reason i listen to u is cause u give both positive and negative, which makes someone feel good. the 1st chapter'll go up either next weekend or during the week

pisces_beedrill
20th November 2005, 2:17 PM
Chapter 1


Thuro moved swiftly through the woods. He had long silver hair which shone in the setting sunlight. His grey-blue pale eyes shone like a light. He wore a crystal round his neck. He felt power with it, a lot of power. He glanced down at it swinging from side to side as he ran.

"THURO! Dinner!" his mother yelled from afar. He was exausted. Next to him was Skarmory. He's starter pokemon.

"C'mon Skammy, a little help here?" he huffed. He tied his waist length hair in a rubber band as Skamory lowered its back. He hopped on and they flew.

"You owe me big time for this" his Skammy muttered. Thuro knew what that meant. Skammy was going to demand to get extra raw candy. He hated that because his poket money always finishes.

Skammy landed nicely on thier greek based porch. His mother stood there, hands on her hips. She cleared her throat.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" she spat onto him in anger. her face was reed and her veins were sticking out. He faced down at his large feet. He knew what was coming next.

"NO DINNER FOR YOU, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!" he ran into the house and sniffed as he saw how hard she worked on his Sunday dinner. A beautiful plate of creamy rich pie stood in the centre of the table. He let a tear fall as he sadly walked up to his room.

Skammy was alredy in the room in its giant nest, asleep. Thuro clambered into bed. He was exauseted. His eyes closed. His crystal glowed and a vision entered him.

He saw a gorgeous golden haired delicate framed princess. The princess said to him:

Child of steel, power of doom. help your kind not your kindred

and her image faded. Then gorgeous auburn haired delicate framed princess appeared. she said:

steel, doom. help those who help you for they are your kind

then she faded and a steelix appeared. "my son" and it was gone.

The next day, THuro thought nothing of his vision, he forgot about it. His sister Jessie from team rocket was home. He fell out of bed and ran down to see her. She ruffled his hair.

When he hugged her, he went into another vison.

A steelix appeared and said "death, doom and destruction" then he went back to normal.

He ran up to his room. Washed, dressed packed, ran down and left to school. Feeling something was wrong...

Jetx
20th November 2005, 2:28 PM
Quite a few spelling mistakes but I won't hold that against you because of your sight, oh and skamory has an 'R' in it, between the A and the M, it could do with being a bit longer but I really liked it, it's a good fic, looking forward to chapter 2...

~*Ratiosu*~
20th November 2005, 5:43 PM
Length: None at all. It seemed like it was long because you put those freakin' big words there, and that makes everything harder. My eyes bled looking at it. I don't care whether it should've been prologue or not. You keep making fics like this and you're going to get banned. I've seen your other fics, and they're all like this. No matter how many reviews you get telling you to change it, you don't.

Description: None. I mean, we have no idea what Thuro looks like. And what's a Crystal Onix? I mean, wouldn't that be a Steelix? And don't tell me in your reply to this review, put it in. What if we had never seen Giovanni? You have to describe, please.

Grammar: Terrible. The Pokemon's names aren't capitalized, and there's a whole lot of spelling mistakes. Perfect spelling makes things easier.

Plot: Terrible. So a Crystal Onix and her husband get caught, and then all of a sudden this kid wakes up and hears something and he doesn't know why or how but suddenly he's off and trying to find the source of the voice. And Team Rocket attacks the Onix and Steelix even though Thuro's sister is Jesse. I thought she was an only child? It sure says that in everything I read. Wait, I believe she might have a sister...I forgot ^^;; but other than that there was no plot. When Steelix says "my son" does he mean Thuro is his son? If so that's pretty sad. A human as a Steelix's kid. And a Skarmory as a starter? I mean, that's kinda high. You never even mentioned what region this is. If it's Kanto and he's got Skarmory...we wouldn't know, because you never mentioned it. How old is Thuro anyway? You never said that. And why isn;t he on his Pokemon journey if he got a STARTER? Starters are for journeys. If he's just going to run around and play with it and then beat the crap out of Giovanni then this'll be the lamest fic you've ever made. I am 99.9% sure this'll get closed.

Oh yeah, and changing color in speech is hurting people's eyes. Why can't you just use ""? I mean, if you like it that much write it on paper. We don't like it, and if we don't like it you won't get reviewers.

Don't yell at me, beacuse I'm helping you with this review.

--XKaze

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 6:44 PM
another good chapter. but as jetx mentioned a hell of a lot of spelling mistakes. and a couple of grammar mistakes too. but i can see your taking my advice. Oh and please do not do that huge writing. it really gets on my nerves. oh and BTW (by the way) do this on microsoft word so it corrects any spelling mistakes and some grammar mistakes. these are the spelling mistakes
Raw candy: it's rare candy
Poket: that is spelt "pocket"
Thier: It's spelt their
Reed: it's red
Alredy: it's already
Exauseted: I'm not so sure how it's spelt so he're goes exhausted
i can excuse you if you don't have word. but zephyr_flare won't excuse foreign language spelling mistakes she said. needs to be a bit longer. but i won't be harsh on you for your spelling mistakes cause i know you speak a foreign language. here are the grammar mistakes
He's starter pokemon: it's "his" starter pokemon
THuro: could you please explain why you did the first and second with capital letters. just names or the first in the sentence
also don't say character names at first before they have been introduced. E.G. a boy was brushing his hair. a girl came up "hey Thuro" Thuro turned around.
try using that in the future
a bit short as well. also Thuro needs more of a personalitie
PS MESSAGE TO X KAZEMON: errr you can't get banned for breaking rules he has broken. his fic would just get closed. you have to break serious rules to get banned

~*Ratiosu*~
20th November 2005, 7:08 PM
*with nice pleasant face, turns to Blingin G after being like Shadow the Hedgehog at pisces* You can get banned for repeatedly not listening to reviewers. He's been making all these fics and dleleting them because he's afraid they'll get closed. He'll get banned if this continues. But glad to see you read the rules, unlike *grows Shadow face again* PISCES HERE...*calms down*

Jetx
20th November 2005, 7:15 PM
I didn't know he spoke a foreign language, but I do know that he has big text because he is partialy blind and refuses to where glasses, so he can't be blamed for spelling if he can't even see it, that's why he makes big text, so he can see his mistakes...

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 7:25 PM
I didn't know he spoke a foreign language, but I do know that he has big text because he is partialy blind and refuses to where glasses, so he can't be blamed for spelling if he can't even see it, that's why he makes big text, so he can see his mistakes... oh i understand. about speaking a foreign language have you noticed his location. it sais kenya. i don't blame him for spelling mistakes but he'd probably not make them if he did it on word. here is a suggestion for pesces. make it large at first then smallen it. good idea? oh and this is not insulting you or anything. but why do you refuse to wear glasses? oh and x kazemon. do you mean i talk like shadow the hedgehog. well guess why. i am *turns black and red and turns into shadow and shoots x kazemon* say your prayers

~*Ratiosu*~
20th November 2005, 7:30 PM
^^;; No i meant me...I was acting like Shadow when I was talking to pisces. You know, red eyes, hair swirling like a tornado (I'm female) and with a gun out, and then I was all nice to you like Winry in FullMetalAlchemist in the end credits when she looks down at you. Gee, she carries her dog...she must be strong ^_^ but this is spam so let's not talk about it anymore *gets shot with Blingin G's gun*

Anyway, it doesn't matter if he's half-blind or whatever, if he makes mistakes we'll point them out, and I used to be a pretty suckish speller too but I let my reviewers point out my grammar. My MSWord is not cooperative. Slows down my computer and all. I have to debug it.

--XKaze

Nylf
20th November 2005, 8:40 PM
cue a one-time sane reviewer. No flaming or anything, just pure advice.

1/ SHRINK THE FONT. Too big, way too big.
2/ Description is your friend, it helps a lot.
3/ Microsoft Works Word Processor or Microsoft Word is also your friend. Use them and their spell check will easily help this a lot.
4/ Don't care about limits with characters, unless you're staying loyal to the anime. I've seen people change the anime till it suits them plenty of times. I myself have done it, throwing Ho-oh as a comedy character in an AAML.
5/ If you weren't using this large font, it would be less than a page. Work on that. Try a lot more detail.
6/ A plot would be nice, this seems a little over the place, with a kid just getting 'chosen' out of thin air. Why did they choose him? How did he get a Skarmory? When the heck did a Steelix develop telepathy? Why did he have a crystal? Elaborate on some of these details as you go. Vagueness is good, but being too vague is too much of a good thing.

That's all I really have to say. The colour thing for Pokemon speaking is fine, but try and make the speech marks match the font color as well, it just looks nicer.

Master of Legends
20th November 2005, 10:03 PM
i think its realy good... but it has some spelling errors as X Kazemon pointed out.. the font could shrink a little like aboutThis size

Psychic
21st November 2005, 3:45 AM
Oh, for the love of all that is good, pisces!

Look, you've been a member here since July, and your writing hasn't improved one bit, nor have you begun to follow the rules of the FanFiction Forum.


Let’s go over the basics of what and what not to do:
DO type on Microsoft Word
DO capitalize names of people and Pokémon.
DO use normal sized font
DO use quotation marks (“these”) when some one speaks, italics when someone thinks and a single quotation mark (‘these’) and italics when a Pokémon speaks [something along those lines, at least]
DO make chapters at least a page long on Microsoft Word

DO NOT type in the reply box
DO NOT use red different colored font
DO NOT misuse commas
DO NOT assume we know what characters look like: this includes people, Pokémon and Team Rocket
DO NOT, for the love of all that is good, say ‘a vision entered him’.


It’s upsetting that I have to point out so many stupid things, such elementary mistakes.



I am going to go through this rubbish you call a fic and comment on it, and try, to the best of my abilities, to help you.

steelix and crystal onix were in a large grey cave.
What is a Steelix? What is an Onix? What do they look like? Why is this Onix ‘crystal’?
Ok, so the cave is large. Do you mean it is long or that the roof is high? Why is it grey? Is the cave made of grey pudding?



Crystal onix’s shining body was like a light in the darkness.
What color did it shine? Since when was the cave dark?



Steelix looked at his mate.
How did he look at his mate? With anger? Sorrow? Hatred?



How are the eggs? he asked his mate.
You said ‘his mate’ again too quickly. Again, what kind of tone of voice did he use?



Crystal onix looked at him with love and at the shinning crystal eggs that lay beside her.
Eggs. Describe them. Add how many they are and their positioning.



Steelix, got up and looked, indeed, a tiny onix came out.
What the Hell do you mean ‘came out’? Came out of what? What did it look like when it got out? HOW did it come out-by screaming the Chinese national anthem?
Terrible use of commas. Take out the first comma and replace the second with a period.



From top to middle, he was stone, bottom wards, he was crystal.
Ok, that is sooooo unrealistic it’s sickening. If it’s a mix of the two, then its stones will probably be half-and-half, and I mean that each stone will be a mix of rock and crystal.
Anyways, elaborate more on this and describe it better.



It looked so precious, steelix smiled. My child.
There shouldn’t be a comma after ‘precious’. And tell us how and why it looked precious.
Did either show any signs of affection towards their baby? Uh, NO. Mom and Dad love Baby. Mom and Dad show Baby they love it by hugging, kissing and talking to it.



Then, out of nowhere, Giovanni came in,
Who is Giovanni? What does he look like?
Take away that last comma.



team rocket
Who are they? If they’re humans, how do these Pokémon know who they are?



helicopters were everywhere.
Again, Pokémon know what a helicopter is? Ok, so what do they look like?
How could they be ‘everywhere’ in a cave?



He laughed evilly as he's persian purred with success.
What is a Persian? Where is it-on top of his head?
‘his’, not ‘he’s’.



steelix yelled and did a rock throw at Giovanni. He simply laughed.
He DID a rock throw? WTF? What does that mean? I can only IMAGINE what it looks like. :rolleyes:
WHO laughed? O.o



"Foolish creature," he spat on the ground in disgust, the rocks simply were destroyed by a lazer from one of the helicopters.
First of all, replace comma with period.
Second, it is spelled ‘laser’. -_-
Third, describe the laser and what it looked like as it ‘destroyed’ the rock.



They tied the steelix up in electrical wire that had spikes.
How do you tie up a rock snake?
Describe what it was like more. How could an electric wire have spikes?



"Where is the female!?" Giovanni swore angrily,
Swore? Riiiiight. And why does he need 'the female' who, by the way, is not of the same specis of the Steelix?



Jessie and James came out of a helicopter.
Who are they?
Wait…don’t they usually travel on their own and never with the rest of TR? o.O And don’t they have a Meowth as well?



"sir, we'll get them for you!" and ran down the cave.
WTF? Who ran down which cave?



Crystal onix was moving as fast as she could to a nearby pond.
A pond? In a cave? Maybe it was a LAKE, but a pond? And why would a rock snake go towards water?



Jessie and James stepped in her way.
Two seconds ago they were chasing her. Suddenly they teleport in front of her?



"Go dustox, sleeping power!" Jessie screamed like a blood thirsty maniac.
Who is she yelling at? What is this Dustox? And WHY does she sound like 'a blood thirsty maniac'?
The attack is called ‘Sleep Powder’. -_-



Crystal onix was desperate, then her new born half-breed baby came to her rescue and did a dooms day ray!
He DID a ‘dooms day ray’? Not only does that make you sound SICK, but what the bloody hell IS IT?



Jessie, James and dustox were blasted back and became unconscious.
Blasted against what? Never say 'became unconcious'.



But the ray also destryed all the other eggs but one...
Spelled ‘destroyed’. -_- Why did it destroy the eggs? You never said that the crystal Onix was carrying them on her head or anything.



Crystal onix was captured by te helicopters (Giovanni didnt trust Jessie and James)
I thought Team Rocket caught them, not ‘te’ helicopters.
What do Jessie and James have to do with where the Onix is and why didn’t Giovanni trust them?



but the half-breed and the egg rolled into the water unnoticed...
Rock+water=not good. Rock+water=dead. Water=bad for rock. Neither ought to survive.



Chapter 1:


Thuro moved swiftly through the woods.
How? Was he flying on a hoverboard?



His long silver hair shone in the setting sunlight.
Maybe it REFLECTED the light of the setting sun, but it didn’t shine.



His grey-blue pale eyes shone like a light.
Why? Are his eyes like some kind of flashlight?



He wore a crystal round his neck.
It’s ‘around’. And describe the crystal. Was it on a long piece of spaghetti?



He felt power with it, a lot of power.
o.O Elaborate. What do you mean?
Also, where did he get this crystal? When? Who gave it to him and why?



"THURO! Dinner!" his mother yelled from afar.
How did she sound? Upset? Happy?



He was exausted.
Spelt ‘exhausted’. And why was he so tired? What part/s of him were tired?



Next to him was Skarmory.
Describe Skarmory.



He's starter pokemon.-_- HIS, not he’s.
WHY THE HELL does he have a Skarmory for a starter? That’s waaaay too powerful for a beginning trainer.
When did he get Skarmory? Who gave it to him? Why?



"C'mon Skammy, a little help here?" he huffed.
How’s a Skarmory supposed to help him? And what does he need help WITH?



He tied his waist length hair in a rubber band as Skamory lowered its back.
LMAO, lowered it’s back!



He hopped on and they flew.
What wonderful description here. You were so specific as well.



"You owe me big time for this" his Skammy muttered.
Oh, so his Skarmory can talk? OMIGAWD, TALKING POKÉMON, I’M GONNA BE RICH!



Thuro knew what that meant. Skammy was going to demand to get extra raw candy.
LMAO! Raw Candy! And just HOW would it demand for these candies?



He hated that because his poket money always finishes.
Spelt ‘pocket’. And what’s that supposed to mean, it ‘always finishes’?



Skammy landed nicely on thier greek based porch.
What do you mean by ‘nicely’?
Spelt ‘their’.
The Greeks are a people, go the G is a capital. In what way it is ‘Greek-based’?



"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" she spat onto him in anger.
She spat? Ooookay. You don't know WHEN to use that word.



her face was reed and her veins were sticking out.
I didn’t know a face could be ‘reed’.
People’s veins don’t ‘stick out’. -_-



He faced down at his large feet.
LMAO! Just LMAO!



"NO DINNER FOR YOU, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!"
She calls him to dinner then refuses to give him dinner? What kind of a psychopath is this woman?



Skammy was alredy in the room in its giant nest, asleep.
How did it get there if they arrived at the same time?
It’s spelt ‘already’. Describe the nest.



He was exauseted.
You already used that exact same sentence and make the exact same spelling mistake.



His eyes closed.
I’m sure he closed them by himself.



His crystal glowed and a vision entered him.
How could he tell the crystal was glowing is his eyes were closed?
A VISION EVENTERED HIM?! LMFAO! OMFG, LMFAO!



He saw a gorgeous golden haired delicate framed princess.
A princess? Oookay, and how could he tell she was a princess? And describe her more. I’m sure she was wearing clothing, and had skin and eyes.




and her image faded.
Image? o.O



Then gorgeous auburn haired delicate framed princess appeared.
I think you’re missing a word in this sentence. Again, describe her more.



then she faded and a steelix appeared. "my son" and it was gone.
Elaborate. What do you mean by randomly putting in "my son"? Did these two words suddenly appear in big purple letters across the Steelix’ face or something?



The next day, THuro thought nothing of his vision, he forgot about it.
There’s a difference between forgetting something and ignoring it.



His sister Jessie from team rocket was home.
If you work for Team Rocket, it’s a full-time job. You don’t come home every day, and other people aren’t supposed to know that you’re a member.



When he hugged her, he went into another vison.
He WENT INTO A VISION! AGAIN, LMFAO!
Spelt ‘vision’.



A steelix appeared and said "death, doom and destruction" then he went back to normal.
Who went back to normal? And how does Thuro understand PokéSpeech?



Washed, dressed packed, ran down and left to school.
Maybe you should add that THURO DID all these things.




Now that that’s over, let’s go over the other aspects of the fic quickly.

Spelling/Grammar: don’t even get me started. Look above. I’d love for someone to actually tell me that he has good grammar and knows about the proper use of the English language.

Length: This is waaay too short. If there was actually description and character development, it might be a bit longer. I have to say, though, that even if it is too short, I was glad I didn’t have to read a huge amount of this sort of writing.


Description: absolutely none. Describe everything. Pretend we don’t know what Pokémon look like, we don’t know who Team Rocket is! Fuller descriptions of characters and their surroundings are needed.
I know that trying to explain to you about the proper use of description is useless, so I’m leaving it at “describe everything so it’s easier for the reader to picture the scene in their head.”

Characters: NONE of them have personalities. The Pokémon don’t show how much they love their baby, for crying out loud! Thuro is also bland and is seriously a robot. He barely reacts properly to when his freak of a mother refuses to let him have dinner, but even then, I have no clue why he cried when any normal person would just be angry. Thuro is honestly a Gary-Stu, in short.

Plot: Crappy. Some kind of crystal Onix and Steelix mate to have a kid who goes back into its egg. Then you go to talk about a kid who gets a super-powerful Pokémon for a starter (and he isn’t even on a journey) who for some reason has a jewel that gives him visions. Character reeks of Gary-Stu. The plot about the Onix is also terrible and makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, WHY would TR suddenly be interested in a crystal Onix, how would they find out where it is and why would they bring a whole battalion of members to catch it? Barely any thought put into it, being poorly-developed.

Originality: See comments for plot. Basically, very dull, boring and unoriginal.




I’m afraid I’ll have to stop the review here. I have a few things I’d like to tell X Kazemon, as I feel that part of her review was not fair, lacking some common sense and she has no idea what a Prologue is.

Plot: Terrible.
So a Crystal Onix and her husband get caught, and then all of a sudden this kid wakes up and hears something and he doesn't know why or how but suddenly he's off and trying to find the source of the voice.
Sorry if he just edited his fic, but that’s how a Prologue works. Usually, it has nothing to do with the first chapter (well, it is supposed to seem that way at first).



And Team Rocket attacks the Onix and Steelix even though Thuro's sister is Jesse.
Do you honeslt think Team Rocket would give a damn about relatives of members? TR is so huge that there is supposed to be no such thing as an individual, as everyone must work together as one core unit. If a member is actually LOYAL, then if they were told to, they would kill their own mother.



I thought she was an only child? It sure says that in everything I read. Wait, I believe she might have a sister...I forgot ^^;;
Just quite while you’re ahead. *winks* If you’re not sure about something, don’t mention it.
Oh, and in a fic, anything could be possible as long as it is within reason and makes sense.



When Steelix says "my son" does he mean Thuro is his son? If so that's pretty sad. A human as a Steelix's kid.
Gee, I wonder who the Steelix was referring to. Hello, you’re a father and your son is gone. You want him back, so you’re sad. You’re upset. You grieve. Steelix was grieving.


Master of Legends, that post before was total SPAM. Do not link to sites and don't mention it here. And no; the font should be of normal size. The size I am using right now, really.
-_-


I’d like to point out to all you wanna-be reviewers that reviews should include details on the characters.


Back to the fic:

I find that little effort actually went into making the fic itself.

pisces, I'm afraid that if you continue making fics that break the rules and you continue to ignore your reviewers, you will have to be banned from the Club. I'm sorry, but if you don't take writing seriously, then you will not be allowed to stay.


~Psychic

Guitar dude bill
21st November 2005, 3:59 PM
hell psychic was that review long. ok most of the things you said were true but a few were untrue. you asked him to do more way more description than he needed. though he did need alot more. and also please don't be too harsh on him for writing a bad fic. i think the fic was good just it made so many grammar mistakes and lacks description that it is bad. i still rated it good though. (nobody say OMFG or LMFAO or anything like that) also when you said learn the english language. i think he comes from kenya and i sais kenya on his location. psychic I'm not trying to start a flamewar I'm just pointing out a few critic mistakes alright please don't quote or reply back arguing with me

Master of Legends
21st November 2005, 4:51 PM
harsh? that was beyond harsh!! sure it needs improvement but it has a good outline it seems like a good story... pluss i read through the mistakes i dont notice them...... but apparently some mods have no feelings!! unlike dragonfree, shes nice.

plz dont flame for me stating my oppinion... as i know sum ppl just lk for rerasons to start a war

Yami Ryu
21st November 2005, 5:03 PM
Blingin G, Psychic isn't wrong anywhere. And also, you need to learn how to really review. AND, if you're going to write in the english language, you should know how to use it. So that's no excuse.

*borrows Psychic's reviewing technique* WOW makes this crap fic helluva easier to read.


[size=""]Steelix and crystal onix were in a large grey cave. Crystal onix's shining body was like a light in the darkness. Steelix looked at his mate.

As Psychic said, what are Steelix. Crystal Onix? What do they look like, what does their habbitat look like? Why are they in there? And how can Onix's body shine when there's no light in the darkness for her body to reflect, I hope it's a her you're meaning in this. Also, you forgot to capitalise, atleast the Steelix at the begining of the paragraph.


How are the eggs? he asked his mate. Crystal onix looked at him with love and at the shinning crystal eggs that lay beside her.

So instead of using speech quotations, "blah" or 'blah' even, you use color. Oh, how splended your lack of effort comes out as. The onix looked at him with love? Where was the love? Oh I take it, it was a lack luster attempt of 'She gazed at him with love filled eyes as she answered'? Or was it 'She looked at him, eyes filled with love before gazing at her crystal eggs, the emotion still in her gaze'? SEE how much BETTER some effort makes crap like that become?


They're fine she replied. oh, look, this one is hatching!

How could she tell they were fine just by looking. Not even real, modern day animals know just by looking. And I do not, repeat, do not think the eggs would be crystal, or weak enough for crystal, for an Onix to get out on it's own. But-



Steelix, got up and looked, indeed, a tiny onix came out. From top to middle, he was stone, bottom wards, he was crystal. It looked so precious, steelix smiled. My child.

Do you have the parents help it? No. You have it as a miracle child, hatching on it's own so you don't have to put any effort into writing this trash heap.


Then, out of nowhere, Giovanni came in, team rocket helicopters were everywhere. He laughed evilly as he's persian purred with success.

First of all it's HIS. HIS HIS HIS. Not HE'S, HIS. And by god this is the lamest scentence in this prolouge. How the hell could helicopters appear in a cave? Do you have any idea wtf a cave is? I take it you don't. Maybe you should read about them.


Run with the eggs, i'll protect you! steelix yelled and did a rock throw at Giovanni. He simply laughed.

First off how can an Onix run with eggs. What does she do, carry them in her mouth? .. probably you don't even write that. Which you didn't it seems. And who laughed, Steelix?


"Foolish creature," he spat on the ground in disgust, the rocks simply were destroyed by a lazer from one of the helicopters. They tied the steelix up in electrical wire that had spikes.

Ooooh. You use speech quotations for humans, but too lazy to do that with pokemon? And how the **** could electrical wires hurt Steelix. He is STEEL-GROUND. Not STEEL-anything else. Ground negates electricity, meaning he is impervious to weak electrical wiring. And his steel hide would resist the spikes of the wires. Have you no mind!?

God this is so bad it hurts to even read farther, this reeks of little talent, no effort, no attempts to even try to do anything better. And the fact you probably didn't read the rules or advice for aspiring authors stickies doesn't help your case out either.

Master of Legends
21st November 2005, 5:13 PM
ther are some creatures that live at the bottum of the deepst seas that shine without light being reflected, its the parasites inside of it, im sure he ddint know tht but he does now lol. critcizing s fine... but calling it a trash heap? dude he doesnt speak ouht language very well, i am learing spanish iv been takin it for 4 years and i still cant speak it. it does need a ton of improvment and he is very hardheaded but give it time he might improve and if he doesnt then delete the fic! sheesh (ok so im not the best arguer but your reaction will define who you are... lol) ne way like i said its got potential if he fixes his mistakes, and psychic already did the criticizing do you have to 'rub salt on open wounds'? how do you know that he can even read wat ur typing? maybe he has bad eyesight... you dont know... he just needs a good beta steel is a conducter of electricity, that would do nothing but shok the humans lol and the spikes? regenade if they wer drove into his body the elictricy might have some affect he would need to put that but you have to think oiuside the box tell him to add more descriptian

mindripper
21st November 2005, 5:13 PM
Hey, most people know that I am pretty lenient when it comes to review, but I have no idea what is going on between your ears. You know, if I wanted to quote mistakes, I would quote the entire fic. I do understand that you are probably younger or perhaps just not talented enough, and you are willing to accept critique, so I sincerely hope that you start doing so. I hope to see an improvement in your next chapter, and I do not believe I have anything to add onto whatever has been said, except that you can expect an absolute licking from me if no effort is made to improve.

Oh, do change the font also. remember, I am not asking you to become great overnight. I am asking for you to make an effort to improve yourself. It is up to you if you choose to do so.

Guitar dude bill
21st November 2005, 5:21 PM
boy renegade there is simply no pleasing you is there? (i know your a girl though.) renegade about different colours he doesn't do that anymore i told him not to and we decided that it would different colours "and" speech marks. i hoped you wouldn't find this fic but unfortanutley. you did. you say i suck at reviewing when he even said he would take my advice. And you posted some unhelpful advice to my friend *coughs* shroomies adventures. and IIRC you gave no advice to him apart from put in more effort. and i know how much effort he did put into it. you did mention that it had no plot but not all stories get into the plot that quickly. pisces why not click this link and see the stupid unhelpful advice renegade gave jetx http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2325163#post2325163
now was that decently helpful?
PS: i agree with you master of legends. dragonfree is nice
edit: a second PS. pisces does have bad eyesight
another edit: master of legends. what you said was true. the elements that aren't in battle won't harm the pokemon

pisces_beedrill
21st November 2005, 5:21 PM
okay, alot to reply too. lemme begin. X Kazemon, ever heard of SUSPENCE??? foolish, am i supose to reviel everything in da 1st chapter, 2, the only reason i deleted mt oda ones was cause people are too harsh and that pisses me off not cause i am afraid i am gonna get banned. 3,
His long silver hair shone in the setting sunlight. His grey-blue pale eyes
yeah, no description, can you read???. okay, now sure, i'll change the font. i shall de-capitalise the pokemon names.

okay, i shall add in more description (i thought if i didn't add too much, itll add to suspece but it seems not so no problemo, i will add in loads of description.) thanx alot, keep reviewing cause i anna improve.

mindripper
21st November 2005, 5:26 PM
SUSPENCE

If you want to use suspense, you might want to spell it correctly.

Seriously, you must admit that a large portion of the critique you received is true. Accept it, and improve, give them no chance to critique you the next time round. it is the only way. You can get involved in all the arguments with people you want, but in the end you will not have benefitted at all.

Yami Ryu
21st November 2005, 5:26 PM
there are some creatures that live at the bottom of the deepest seas that shine without light being reflected, it's the parasites inside of it, I'm sure he ddint know that but he does now lol.
That doesn't excuse him for failing to attempt to write anything/any reason to make Crystal Onix shine in darkness. And I suggest you only start reviewing or trying to back someone up when you can write



critcizing is fine... but calling it a trash heap? dude he doesnt speak our language very well, I am learning spanish I've been taking it for 4 years and I still can't speak it.
You evidently didn't learn english very well either. It's still no excuse. Do they give leeway in rules? No. If you can't speak/write it properly. Don't try at all.

I'm not even going to respond to the rest of your review. Which is basically trying to help a rule breaker break the rules further. Because amongst the crap in the first thing he posted, the 'chapter' adds to the wrong doings he's done. And you just help him slaughter the english language. Because it's sad when someone learning english, writes better than someone native to the language --;

pisces_beedrill
21st November 2005, 5:39 PM
oh yeah, i wanna add i shall edit the chapters to add in more description. i do speak english well so don't worry. my first language is french though. okay. i should describe Giovanni and the pokemon, anything else...

okay, i have edited the prologue, i shall edit chapter 1 tomorrow. g'night


Rock+water=not good. Rock+water=dead. Water=bad for rock. Neither ought to survive.

cough cough, not 100% rock, remember crystal

Jelly♥Winry
21st November 2005, 6:14 PM
cough cough, not 100% rock, remember crystal

Great... you are making me talking about geography now!

Crystal is a pure mineral solid. The substances inside of Crystal are mixtures*. Due to the mixtures* of Crystal, water can quickly weather away Crystal, E.G. Someone puts a lump of crystal in rainwater, another in normal water and another in salt water. It proves that salt water easyly weathers away Crystal since the mixtures* inside of Crystal are impure. Thus, crystal onix is weak against water type moves.

*Mixtures contain Compounds with contains different types of Element Atoms. Some of these compunds are impure due to wrong element atoms inside.

Guitar dude bill
21st November 2005, 6:15 PM
oh yeah, i wanna add i shall edit the chapters to add in more description. i do speak english well so don't worry. my first language is french though. okay. i should describe Giovanni and the pokemon, anything else...
try describing the environment. you know areas the place around you. EG it was a foggy forest with mist do cover things. that's environment description. that is very important. it really pictures it in your mind. i imagined Thuro's house in the middle of a foggy swamp. also describe their clothes or people.
people may think he doesn't have a clothes on. oh and rengade. try not to start a flamewar

Zephyr Flare
21st November 2005, 6:16 PM
I'll close, please Steel use the advice and information given in this thread to help you in the future.

Sandra