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Slack King
19th November 2005, 10:40 PM
CH 1 - The Mystery Unfolds (Unown comes to the rescue feat Roselia)

Yugi was walking down the hall, to Joeys room, so they could trade some cards before the upcoming battle with Kaiba. As he opened Joeys door, he saw a huge swirly door.

'What the-' he managed to shout after being sucked up. He swirled around in what seemed to be a water tornado for hours and hours... he got a gigantic headache... he couldn't think correctly at all.

When Yugi woke up, he saw a huge serpentine rock creature standing over him.

'ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR' yelled the creature, swinging its tail around and around faster and faster, until it hovered around four yards in the air. 'ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR' it shouted again, and Yugis cards flew out of his pockets, swifling around in the dust storm the creature had created. Then the creature raised it's head and then put it's forhead in a skull bash position.

'OH SNAP IT'S GOING TO HEAD BASH ME,' Yugi almost cried, 'AND IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE!' A torrent of green leaves came out of nowhere, and got caught in the dust storm. They flew around the serpent and gave it's rock hard armor little gashes, and purple liquid flew out of it. Some landed on Yugis leg and it burned through his pants, and then started burning through his skin. Suddenly, he was picked up by a storm of black.

'ROSELIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' he heard, and wondered where it was from. Then he saw a very small flower shooting a huge beam of green at the serpent. It's throat exploded, it faded red and went into the nearby cliff.

Suddenly, the black storm carried him away, to the clouds, and higher, higher, HIGHER! When he woke up he was in a bed. He had been stripped naked, but felt comfortable in the bed, aroused even by the comfort. He got up and put his clothes on, but started crying when he noticed that his Yugioh cards were missing.

A beautiful woman appeared in the doorway. 'Hi, my name is Maya. Please excuse the harsh feeling in your leg, but I had to put the syringe in to save your leg. It almost fell off.'

'Uh hi... where am I?' said Yugi.

'Well, you're in Depthroetown, at the core of Hoenn, deep below the earth, with it's own central system of clouds and sun. You were attacked by a wild Onix, but when my Roselia attacked it, it fainted. However I dont understand why it faded into red... perhaps it was being controlled by an evil trainer!'

'We gotta catch that bad dude!' Yugi said. 'Lets go!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

DeNtEnE !cE: sugar free
19th November 2005, 10:44 PM
As a great writer myself, I suggest that it needs more Government cheese.

Slack King
19th November 2005, 10:50 PM
You are a great writer, I completely agree. But some constructive criticism would be cool.

SlakingMaster
19th November 2005, 11:10 PM
So you mixing pokemon and yu-g-oh worlds altogether? It's creative. I like both games and I also wonder how yugi will respond to a whole new world

Eternal Daydreamer
19th November 2005, 11:43 PM
Hm, this is oddly similar to an idea I had a couple days ago. That idea was transfering the Charlie and Chocolate Factory characters to the Pokemon world.... Other than that, it's creative.

Vidd
20th November 2005, 12:32 AM
I hereby approve of this thread.

Deoxys & Jirachi
20th November 2005, 12:35 AM
i say you have a good taste in fan fiction and i wanted to see what happens when yugioh meets pokemon so i really like the story.

Dilasc
20th November 2005, 2:26 AM
Oh god. It's Dementine Arse! He's still here!

Anyway, this fic needs some gramatical work. It's short, and definitely doesn't look like it was written in a word program. Uh, DeepthroeTown? Right... anyone who wants to have such innuendo is a bit immature.

Slack King
20th November 2005, 2:39 AM
Well I'll work on it in the next chapter, and I couldnt help throwing that in there, but the majority of the population wont get it.

DeNtEnE !cE: sugar free
20th November 2005, 4:16 AM
Oh god. It's Dementine Arse! He's still here!

Anyway, this fic needs some gramatical work. It's short, and definitely doesn't look like it was written in a word program. Uh, DeepthroeTown? Right... anyone who wants to have such innuendo is a bit immature.

Hell yeah I'm still here, aren't you glad.

If you think that's immature then most likely you find humor in general immature.
I think it was hilarious.

Slack King
21st November 2005, 12:37 AM
Why did he get banned :(

Dilasc
21st November 2005, 4:05 AM
Because, he's an arse. Seriously, good riddance to him, but I get a strange, and sickening feeling that he ain't gone for good. BE GLAD HE'S GONE!

Silver Ryu
21st November 2005, 4:18 AM
Meh, it's OK. The title caught my eye, seeing how I'm a Yu-Gi-Oh fan. ^^ The chapter is way too short, first of all. Second, it could really use some explaining. Why the heck was the portal thing there anyway? And why is the town underground? I assume you'll explain all this stuff in the next chapter or something. Also, a few of the lines seem kinda...I dunno, dumb. ("let's go get that bad dude.")You also could use some work on grammar. Oh, and description. You could work on that.

Overall, it has potential, but it could be a lot better. Keep trying though. I'll be watching for the next chapter. *ignores thoughts in back of mind that Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon might not mix very well.*

(Oh, and please try to keep Yugi in character, along with any other characters that you didn't make up. I can't really tell how you're doing on that so far, but just telling you.)

blackemerald
21st November 2005, 5:26 PM
OK. First of all, its too short, and could not find that many bits of description in the story. You could work on some of the grammer. The line 'We gotta go catch that bad dude!' just sounded rushed to me.
It could be better, like Dilsac said, try and write in microsoft word or another program like that if you're not doing so already.

Hidden Mew
22nd November 2005, 12:11 AM
Like most other people, the title also caught my attention. I'm a Yu-Gi-Oh! fan just as much as I'm a Pokemon fan and I wanted to see how this story is working out. It is really creative, but it could be better with some more details. It would help if you could describe more about Yugi, about how he got into the pokemon world, and what pokemon attacked him, if he did get attacked by a pokemon. Anyway, I do hope that your next chapter will be up soon. It would be fun to see how both worlds mix with each other.