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swimmerboy91
20th November 2005, 2:21 AM
my first story so say mean things if you think it stinks...
CH.1

I wake up on a saterday morning at 7:37am. I walk out of my house without saying good bye to my mom.Then I go over to the professer's lab[convenently 12 steps away from his house].the professer says happily, "Ah, hello Riccro, you have come two get your first pokemon, right?"
"Yup, I don't know witch to get." moaned Riccro with a sigh. "I think mabey a watcho..."
"I see...thats a good starter pick. Well I started with a matchy myself and see all that I have become." professer stated rather fast.
"Umm...yeah I think i will stick with watcho."Riccro replied nervisly. So Riccro picked up the blue pokeball."This one is fine." Riccro said as he relesed the pokemon.
"wa wa watcho!" watcho said with no feelings.
" Do you want to give him a nick name at all?" asked professer
"Sure why not. How about...Wetty!" Riccro said with happiness."Do you like that watcho?"
"Watch wa watcho[yes, that sounds cool in pokemon lang.]!" So there we were I finally had a a pokemon of my own.


"Ahh...thank you that hit the spot mom right, Wetty?
"wat watcho"
"Thats a yes i think. So lets go on our first adventure to be a pokemon master of the Kronno region!" Riccro hollored with honor.
"WATCHO!!" wetty also hollored with honor

" Well here we are, right about to go on the first road to our dreams..."
" Watcho wa..."
" Oh boy dude lets do this" Riccro said scared



thats my first so just tell you all this is placed in a new region the Kronno region and they have roads not routes and new pokemon:wachto the water starter,matchy the fire starter,and vinyze the grass starter i will give a discription on them later with pics too.

Joe Vega #4
20th November 2005, 3:14 AM
(sigh) Yet another fic with several capitalization errors and punctuation errors, as well as things going to fast, spelling errors, and lack of length and description. There's things called paragraphs, which I'm sure others will explain to you. So much for a "totally wickedly cool story".

swimmerboy91
20th November 2005, 3:56 AM
i tried to put paragraphs but it did not work for some reason. Thank for the advise.

whiteabsol
20th November 2005, 4:15 AM
If you hit the enter button twice, it'll separate the paragraphs for ya. And might I suggest Spell Check on which ever word program you're using to fix your grammer and spelling?

Not really good plot right now and what the hell is a watcho?

Tai4
20th November 2005, 4:25 AM
Well, I think thats A TOTALLY WICKEDLY COOL STORY!Seriously!
I think i like Watcho. i'm think of him as a Squirtle and a Wabbufet fused together and then...then...I can hear watcho say WAAAAATTTCCCHHHOOO!
its pretty funny. WAAAA! i'd love to hear more cool storys from you,swimmerboy91!
Bya!

Klaus
20th November 2005, 5:29 AM
O_O......um......sorry, but that wasn't even a chapter......the was a parapgraph. That was a really long paragraph. Yeah.



I wake up on a saterday morning at 7:37am. I walk out of my house without saying good bye to my mom.


That was rude, not saying bye to your mother! And, I don't know what YOU look like. Infact i really didn't get it.


"Yup, I don't know witch to get." moaned Riccro with a sigh. "I think mabey a watcho..."

I don't get it, what the heck is a watcho. I know it's the starter but what the heck does it look like. I know your gonna provide pictures and all but don't just leave us with out description. And it's Which not Witch.



I am sorry but this really wasn't good. If it doesn't shape up i'm afraid it will
be closed. I am SO Sorry!

As always, be kind to the mime.

swimmerboy91
21st November 2005, 3:26 AM
here is my map (http://img389.imageshack.us/my.php?image=kronno2vl.png) it stinks i did it in like 2minuts<---sp
and this is riccro (http://img389.imageshack.us/my.php?image=riccro8kc.png)

this is the starters (http://img517.imageshack.us/my.php?image=kronostarters7gk.png)

swimmerboy91
23rd November 2005, 3:22 AM
Ch2 the first battle
He walked out onto the first road and thought this was it Riccro I am was taking my first step into my adventure. “I’m getting lonely out here,” I stated out loud. So I released my Wetty out of the blue ball.
“Watcho wa!” wetty spoke feeling better to be out of its pokeball
“Well here we are…” all of a sudden a smallish bird swooped down and took Riccro’s bandana of his head! “Give that back know!” Riccro commanded to it.
“Carsal cars car,” it peeped back to me.
“A Carsal aye?” Riccro questioned himself. “Well I don’t care what you are! I just want my bandana back now!” Riccro hollered up to the bird. “Lets have are first battle Wetty, what do ya think yer ready?”
“Wa wa watch watcho!” he screamed as if saying you kiddin? sher I am!
“Alright then, Wetty hit it with a, uhh…umm…water…gun?” Riccro stuttered because he was not positive if it was right.
Wetty hit it as hard as he could shooting a long stream of water going right into the sky and hitting the carsal right in his critical-hit zone. Sadly it was not strong enough to faint it. Then I got a good look at it and saw it had blue tinted wings but the rest was red. Also it looked like a pidgy and a swellow.
“Try a body slam thing on it!” I commanded. I thought, “a body slam thing” uhg I sounded so lame.
Luckily and to my surprise he actually fainted it! “We did it! Hey you look stronger did you grow a level oh well we did it!” Riccro hollered like he won the Super Bowl.
Then a random sails who looked like a conartist walked over to him and said, “very nice battle young boy you make me think of myself as a trainer before I went into the business world. In fact take these he handed me; five pokeballs, five greatballs; six potions, six super potions, an antidote, a paralyze heal, burn heal an awakening; and a personal digital assistant [p.d.a.]
“Well thanks…I think we might need these” Riccro said very much obliged.
“Good now keep up the good battling my boy. I hope to see you beating the beating the elite four and winning the hall of fame.”
“Hall of fame, and Elite four?” Riccro questioned him
“You do not know what the elite four or the hall of fame is. Well I shall inform you it is the chance to become the best pokemon trainer in the entire region. But you have to beat the eight gym leader spread out across the region.” the salesman informed me.
“I knew about the gym battles because that’s why I left in the first place. Oh! Sir I never got your name.” Riccro said
“Sorry I forgot to say it my name is Thomas Honald the president of the sliph. Co in the Kronno region.”
“Then you’re…you’re rich!” Riccro blasted out of shock, ”Will you give me your p.d.a. number?”
“Shore I would it is 555-555-655.” Thomas answered back.
“Cool, well I gotta go if I want to make it to the next gym battle by the end of the week so see ya later!” Riccro hollered back as he and Wetty walked away.

hope you like it it still needs to be a little longer and that paragraph thing did not work!

bLASTOIse_MAsTer
23rd November 2005, 5:44 PM
... still a bit short, separate the paragraphs, and IMPROVE! no offense but it really does stink.

blackemerald
23rd November 2005, 7:38 PM
Brace yourself, this is going to be a looooooonnnnng review...

First of all, you do NOT use description. At all. The fist chapter was bland and dull, and in the second chapter you tried to put description in but failed miserbly. The only reason you gave us links to the charaters is because you can't describe them. On your keyboard, do you see the 'enter' or 'return' button on your keyboard? Use them. The whole thing was rushed in my opinion. Now onto spelling and grammer *Laughs evily*



I wake up on a saterday morning at 7:37am. I walk out of my house without saying good bye to my mom.Then I go over to the professer's lab

You are using completely the wrong tense here. I woke up on a Saturday morning at 7:37am. I walked out of my house without saying good bye to my mom.Then I made my way over to the professer's lab


"Yup, I don't know witch to get." moaned Riccro with a sigh. "I think mabey a watcho..."

Which, not witch. Use a capital letter after the full stop. Mabye, not mabey. Capital letters for names.

I can't be bothered to review the rest, so i'll sum up chapter 2 for you. Paragraphs are non-existent , and there's no description which makes this even more dry and lifeless than it already is. It couldn't want to be used more than if it came up to you with two guns pointing at you, shouting USE ME! We expect 3 pages for chapters, and 1 for a prolouge but those were just long paragraphs.

I'm afraid I will have to cut this review short to say something to Tai4. Please, don't encorage this story to keep going the way it is. Tell us what is good and bad, not just you liked Watcho. Tell us what you liked about him.

I will be coming back for chapter 3, and if it does not shape up I will have this closed.

And now, I leave you with these words. Help for aspiring authors. Read and memorize untill your brain automaticly refers to it everytime you come to Fan-fiction.

Oh, and have a nice day.

whiteabsol
23rd November 2005, 9:10 PM
Lots of bad grammer. Dude, say it with me, "Spell Check." It'll not only fix your spelling but your grammer too.

Your're leaving out lots of periods like:


“Watcho wa!” wetty spoke feeling better to be out of its pokeball

Put a period after pokeball and you made a silly mistake. I'm pretty sure you can see it.


He walked out onto the first road and thought this was it Riccro I am was taking my first step into my adventure. “I’m getting lonely out here,” I stated out loud.

Are telling the story first person or third person? Make up your mind.

And did you not read my last post?! I told you to use the Enter/Return button to create your patragraphs. Hit the damn button twice!!


Then a random sails who looked like a conartist walked over to him and said, “very nice battle young boy you make me think of myself as a trainer before I went into the business world. In fact take these he handed me; five pokeballs, five greatballs; six potions, six super potions, an antidote, a paralyze heal, burn heal an awakening; and a personal digital assistant [p.d.a.]

I think you mean sales person. A sail can't walk up to you. And when the guy is talking, use quotation marks. They actually come in handy.

I'm pretty sure that you must have some writing program on your computer. Use it. It's there for a purpose.

swimmerboy91
26th November 2005, 3:59 PM
i am starting my next chapter it is already four pages long in microsoft word.

Heymamma22
26th November 2005, 4:34 PM
Wow that is one story. Ithink the plot is good but you must work on the grammer and positioning of you story. I mean putting in paragraphs ain't that hard, is it?????...

swimmerboy91
28th November 2005, 5:06 PM
i will start my story over in a new thread so a mod please close this...

swimmerboy91
29th November 2005, 2:41 AM
sorry to double post but my other thread got dealeted so i am back here now...

Yami Ryu
29th November 2005, 3:36 AM
You'd be better off with a mod closing this, and trying to rewrite chapter one or two, or the things you decided to call chapters. You have little description, plot, originality, your characters are bland, two dimensional, your fall back for explaining the pokemon are pictures in your sig, which is one of the lamest excuses out there. This is not a place for picture fanfics, or bad attempts at picture books. You didn't even attempt to make the second chapter better than the first, and I doubt you really would try to make a chapter three with the needed improvements.

Meaning I am amazed this thing hasn't been closed already for the horrid slaughter of grammar, structure and etc that you've acomplished.

xXFallenButterflyXx
29th November 2005, 4:53 AM
Wow, this really is a totaly wickedly cool story![/Sarcasm]

Just by looking at the title, I could tell that this was going to be the EXACT opposite of the title. First of all, use the Enter key, and secondly, use Spell Check, third, use proper grammar, fourth, be descriptive.

And lastly... just TELL US what the hell a Watcho is.

You should read xXSaberXx's fic to get more help. By the way, you spelt "totaly" wrong. It's totally.

~;173; Fallen

PsiUmbreon
29th November 2005, 5:28 AM
Go read another person's fic to see what you SHOULD be doing. This is WAYYYYYYYYYY too short, first of all. Second of all, you should pay more attention in your English class. Especially when they go over spelling and grammar.

swimmerboy91
3rd December 2005, 7:31 PM
this is a boring story i will try agen later...i will close this tomorrow...