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Shocking_Pikachu
20th November 2005, 4:16 AM
This is like my first one-shot, so when rating, please keep that in mind!

This is my story about a Vaporeon. This is a one-shot. It's sad, so I hope you enjoy it!


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It was night and the twitter of the Spearows and Pidgeys had quietened. The moon was full, casting eerier shadows on the grass from the trees. Almost every Pokemon in the forest was asleep, nestled in a tree or burrow somewhere.

That is.....all but one....

Her tear drops rippled the water in the pond as she whimpered in sorrow. The moonlight glistened off her scales like small stars. She stared up at the sky, staring at the stars that used to present her.

That was her name; Starscale. At least, that's what her trainer used to call her. Her aqua-blue eyes gazed at the pond in which she always used to love swimming in. Now, that love was gone, just like her trainer, Brittany. She looked into the pond and saw the reflection of a Vapoeron staring back at her. But the image suddenly changed and she found herself staring at a hazel-eyed blond, who smiled back at her.

Brittany.

Starscale let out a howl of pain as the stabbing at her heart returned. Tears flowed more freely now. She just wanted to disappear from the world. Then she got an idea through the tears. She closed her eyes and relaxed - and felt like she was rising into the air. Acid Armor. Even though she was invisible to the world, she still felt the pain and she still wasn't invisible to herself. She reappeared and again she tried, crying harder every fail. Finally, she just fell to the dirt, sobbing hysterically. Her ear twitched as she heard a rustle in a nearby bush. She looked up, blinded by her tears, but still heard the growl of the Mightyenea. Hunting time.

Before she could jump into the pond, the Mightyenea threw it's black body at her, pinning her under it. It growl and attacked with Bite, and Starscale cried out. She shot a weak Water Gun at it and quickly scrambled out from under it. The Mightyenea quickly recovered and charged at Starscale, head down. Starscale tried to dodge, but the Head Bash hit home and she was sent flying. She howled in pain and landed with a loud thud a few yards away. The Mightyena attacked again and she was too weak to move. All her strength left her and she fell limp after the next attack. She shook with pain, but oddly, she wasn't afraid of dying. For some reason, she felt as if she wanted it to take her away. The Mightyena pounced again, ripping the scales off Starscale. She screamed in agony as blood poured from the wounds. With what was left of her strength, she shot a blast of water at the Dark Pokemon. Howling with pain, it limped off, it's cries echoing through the forest.

Starscale cringed with the agonizing pain. She was blind in one eye and her left front paw and right back paw were mangled so bad they didn't look like they had ever been attached to her body. Her front right paw was broken and her once beautiful scales were tore and bloody. She lifted her head and with her one good eye stared at the moon. Brittany, she thought, cringing again. Suddenly, the wind picked up and Starscales vision hazed. She closed her eyes and again relaxed. The wind blew against her and she became one with the mist.

Acid Armor had finally taken her away.

So what do you think? I thought it was sad, considering I wrote it...

Bu†cH
20th November 2005, 4:21 AM
The sentences are run on and the chapter is way too short.

But I have to give ya points for originality, though.

Shocking_Pikachu
20th November 2005, 5:07 AM
I know, I'll work on that stuff. I've written better, I can say that much.

Psychic
20th November 2005, 5:07 PM
Well, it was all right, nothing special.
What it really lacked was emotion. With it you could have gotten more sympathy from your readers, therefore getting them more into the story, Showing more how your character feels, what they're thinking and such, really helps.

It also desperately needed more description. You seem like the kind of person who would be able to do a good job describing things, and I suggest you start doing so so as to make the story better. Not only can you use description to help your readers picture the scene in their mind better, but it also helps to set the mood.
In Pokémon FanFiction, you should always describe the Pokémon. You must pretend your readers don't know what a Vaporeon or Mighteyna looks like, so you have to tell us! Again, this helps us to visualize the scene better in our heads. This also helps us to see what kind of disposition they have-for example, you can show us how upset Starscale is by saying that her eyes were layge with sorrow, and we can tell the Mighteyna's hungry if you say that it licked its lips, its long, sharp fangs glistening (focusing on descriing its mouth helps us show that it's hungry as well). That's a perfect example of 'show, don't tell', see?

Also, you should have described Water Gun, Skull Bash and Bite. All you said was '___ used ___' and that was it. You certainly could have fleshed that out more. Had you said 'Mighteyna snarled, crouching down before leaping at Starscale, digging its teeth into her scaly hide, making her cry out in pain.' With Water Gun, how do we know that the water didn't come out of a hole in her stomach? Mention that she opened her maw wide and spewed forth a stream of water.
I myself do not entirely understand the use of Acid Armour in this fic. It didn't seem to do anything, and it wasn't described very well. I don't quite get why the attack made her invisible, as acid does not have this kind of effect. Maybe in the GameCube games, Acid Armour made the Pokémon look invisible, but fics are different than video games.

The story itsef was much too rushed. Slow down the pace. Take your time. Show how upset Starscale is through her thoughts and actions, and take the time for her to dwell upon what happened. Have her remember Brittany, the times the two shares, how Starscale felt when they were together, what happened to Brittany and so on.

I'm not sure if you used Microsoft or not, but there were a lot of areas where is wasn't written so well. Your grammar isn't wonderful, but it isn't aweful either. You really should be proofreading your work more, as I'm sure there are things you could have picked up by yourself.
Anyways, here are some mistakes you might want to note:



It was night
Never ever start off a story like that. Not only is it very blunt, but it almost ruins any mood you were going to set. Instead of just saying it's night, show that it's night. You know: the stars shone dimly in the dark sky, the tip of a crescent moon could be seen over a sea of leaves which rusteled in the breeze, things like that. It's called 'show, don't tell' dear, and you'd do well to learn it.



That is.....all but one....
Three periods at a time is enough. And it should actually be 'That is, all...but one...'



She stared up at the sky, staring at the stars that used to present her.
You used the word 'stare' too quickly. Actually, you use that word m,uch too often in the entire One-Shot. There are other words that would be much better to use in these instances. I don't really think you understand the verb 'to stare'. When you stare at something, you look at it for a long period of time without really thinking, eyes wide, mouth hanging slighly open. Usually, when one stares, they aren't feeling any emotions except for amazement.



She looked into the pond and saw the reflection of a Vapoeron staring back at her.
This was an ideal place to describe Starscale. But you never say 'saw the reflection of a Vapoeron staring back at her'. You can say 'and saw a Vaopeon staring back at her' instead, as it isn't as repetitive.
Again, improper use of the word 'stare'.



It growl and attacked with Bite, and Starscale cried out.
Terrible sentence here. Firstly, it's past tense, so it would be 'growled', second you don't have to say 'attacked with Bite' when you could just as easily say 'it bit her' and thirdly it ought to be 'making Starscale cry out'.



front paw
Otherwise known as a 'forepaw'.



My final verdict: always re-read what you write to check for errors-you never know what kind of mistakes you may find, along with places that you could add in description. Look for synonimes for words so you don't keep using 'pain' when you could use 'agony' and other, more descriptive words. Open your mind to the possibilities!

~Psychic