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Polirick
20th November 2005, 1:19 PM
Rateing: For all
Hi, I’m new to fan fiction. But I’ve got a pretty good reputation for writing. My story is based on my Ruby and Sapphire profiles. Patrick is my Sapphire profile and April is my Ruby! I will start in Slateport beach.

Patrick was lying down in the summer sun, his new umbrella up and soft towel beneath him. He was having the time of his life. He could see Herb, his Sceptile, running along the soft sand. He could see him kicking sand everywhere. He could see bubbles in the far distance coming from the sea. He smiled at the thought of Kyogre in the middle of the sea. He turned his head slowly to find a sight he’d seen many times before. Sableye was in the middle of an open space, with no umbrellas or beach chairs. He looked scared, he was trembling. His diamond eyes were growing larger and larger. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Pinchy appeared. Pinchy was Patrick’s, trustworthy and shy, Crawdaunt. Pinchy raised her claw and plunged it down to earth, bringing Sableye on the way. Sableye’s cry was muffled by the sand pouring into his mouth. All that could be seen of Sableye were two giant diamond eyes. Pinchy giggled and hid behind an umbrella. Then suddenly Borer burst out from the sand. Borer was Patrick’s, round ball shape pokemon, Glalie. Borer sneered at Sableye and rammed into him. Borer laughed. Sableye whimpered. Patrick saw a green blur run past the scene. Next thing he knew Borer was on the floor, with a long scratch on his back.

Herb had run past and Leaf Blade Borer. Patrick always knew that Herb stood up for Sableye. He was picked on for being a lower level. Borer looked ready for a fight, but looked at Patrick and thought better. Herb heaved Sableye out of the small ditch he’d been shoved in. But something wasn’t right. Something was missing. Someone was missing. “Oh no” Patrick thought.

Patrick looked into the bright sky to find what he dreaded. A long green snake-like figure was slithering through the sky. “Please don’t do it” Patrick faintly whispered. Seconds after saying this the long snake flying over the sea suddenly dived down. It kept going until it came to the sea. When it did it just swooped up, narrowly missing the sea below, and carried on flying inches over the sea; but unfortunately towards the beach.

At first no one noticed this, but eventually Patrick heard a young boy from behind him saying excitedly “Mummy, mummy, look at that” and then nothing. After a few seconds Patrick heard a woman asking someone “What on Earth is that?” and then a gasp. Then things went terribly wrong. People panicked and screamed. They ran from the beach. Patrick nervously got up and slowly pushed through the crowd. He eventually got to the edge of the water and shouted “LEGEND STOP” but nothing happened. What was Legend doing? Patrick knew what Legend, Patrick’s long green, Rayquaza was capable of. And so did Kyogre. Suddenly, from the water, came a massive spout of water. Kyogre was trying to stop Legend using water spout! But it was useless.

“LEGEND STOP” Patrick shouted again. Legend must have been going to fast to hear him. But Legend was getting close. Very close. Patrick took a step back. Then another, he then turned around and ran. As he ran he shouted “EVERYONE GET DOWN” and leapt onto the smooth sand. He skidded with his eyes scrunched up. He lay there in the sand for a while. After a while he just felt stupid lying there on his own. He opened his eyes and got up. He looked around. He heard a faint voice calling “Patrick, Patrick is that you?” Patrick could make out the figure of April amongst the crowd. Patrick waved his hand to symbolise for her to come over to him. She ran towards him and then leapt. When she got to the ground she rolled towards him. She did so perfectly. She laid right next him and raised her eyebrows. Both Patrick and April looked over their shoulders and took in the scene.

Sableye was halfway down a hole and had an umbrella in his hands. He stuck it down the hole to protect it. Patrick presumed that Herb was in there to because he was nowhere else. Pinchy and Borer made a barricade with umbrellas and beach chairs. Borer had frozen them into one Giant block, supported by umbrellas. And right at the edge of the beach was Legend. April and Patrick turned their heads to each other and ducked their heads as low as they could.

Now, you see, the bad thing about Legend coming at full speeds towards a crowded beach is that the impact will basically rip apart anything weak beneath it. So as Legend came onto the beach people got low.

Fist water sprayed onto the beach. Little but powerful drops, then tiny grains of sand scattered the beach. Then greater more powerful chunks of sand, and then the winds got heavy, real heavy. Patrick heard a slight creaking. And then it got louder and louder until finally there was massive crash. The impact was unfelt. Patrick could hear items being torn apart and he was sure he felt the bony structure of an umbrella skim him. He felt a hand clasp his. Suddenly everything went away. The cold weather, the sand slapping his face, just a warm breeze, this was the feeling Patrick got whenever he felt his girlfriends, April, hand. But then he came to his senses. Suddenly he felt it, the huge shape above him, creating a sandstorm. Patrick felt himself being ripped apart from April. He flew up high and jerked in many awkward positions. It was horrible, in so many different ways. Horrible to think that one of his tamed pokemon was throwing its trainer around and how embarrassing it was for him, when suddenly a horrible sensation roared up in his stomach. It lasted for a long time. But eventually it ended with a nasty thump. Patrick rolled and curled up in a ball. He coughed up disgusting bits of wet sand. He waited a while and eventually it began to fade.

The last grains of sand trickled down Patrick’s face. He slowly opened his eyes. Everywhere was chaos, with bits of cracked umbrella scattered, and bits of broken bottle that once held shampoo. Patrick got up. He turned to his right and saw hundreds of people staring with their mouths wide. Patrick weakly smiled. He drifted along the sand to April and stood her upright. She wobbled slightly. Patrick picked out a red and white, orb like, ball from his belt. He pointed it at Legend and mumbled “Return”. A red beam instantly shot into the air and hit Legend. He shrank into a mini red figure of himself and zoomed strait into the ball. Patrick turned around and hugged April.

Ok, there you go. Now… this may sound weird, but that was the introduction. So you could meet the characters. Please review!!

Jetx
20th November 2005, 1:28 PM
First you should title this 'prologue', second I spotted a mistake which was 'Fist water sprayed onto the beach,' and 'girlfriends hand' should be 'girlfriend's hand'. you should also give this a rating, probably I'd say it's suitible for all, any way that's the mistakes but I found this extremly entertaining with awesome description, very good! Well done! Especialy for a newbie! *claps hands*

Polirick
20th November 2005, 1:41 PM
Thanks Jet. Chapter 1 won't be up for a bit. But keep reviewing!

Jetx
20th November 2005, 3:43 PM
That was more of a prologue than a chapter, it's a prologue so therfore chapter one doesn't exist yet!

Guitar dude bill
20th November 2005, 8:02 PM
it was good an' all but you made a few grammar mistakes that jetx has already pointed out.
“LEGEND STOP" just because your doing capital letters to show a shout do explanation marks still
“EVERYONE GET DOWN" same again
Girlfriends: remember apostrophes please it's girlfriend's
strait: spelt wrong it's straight.

also you had good description but you need a pinch more. describe the people and did i not tell you to have someone say "your so naive pinchy" you forgot to say that. and you forgot to describe pinchy. and try giving out names using dialogue. that makes it much better.
also the first paragraph had quite alot of rushed description. (i can't really talk but still)
it was a good story but those are suggestions to make it even better.
I'll rate it later

Polirick
20th November 2005, 10:34 PM
it was good an' all but you made a few grammar mistakes that jetx has already pointed out.
“LEGEND STOP" just because your doing capital letters to show a shout do explanation marks still
“EVERYONE GET DOWN" same again
Girlfriends: remember apostrophes please it's girlfriend's
strait: spelt wrong it's straight.

also you had good description but you need a pinch more. describe the people and did i not tell you to have someone say "your so naive pinchy" you forgot to say that. and you forgot to describe pinchy. and try giving out names using dialogue. that makes it much better.
also the first paragraph had quite alot of rushed description. (i can't really talk but still)
it was a good story but those are suggestions to make it even better.
I'll rate it later
Hey, look bling, I'm a newbie. Now I'm not gonna use that as a exuse against people who don't like it but that's just harsh! There were hardly any good points pointed out and you couldn't even be bothered to rate it?! Have some dignity, please!

Guitar dude bill
21st November 2005, 6:40 PM
hey polirick. don't expect me to just say that it was good because you are my friend.and i wasn't harsh i was just pointing out your mistakes. i wasn't flaming. here are the ratings
description: enough but you need to do a bit more E.G. you didn't describe the people. and try not rush description
plot: what i believe the plot is kinda well probably gonna end soon but you can get into the plot into the first chapter.
characters: i see patrick has a bit of a personality but he needs more of one. you can develop characters personalities as you go along alright. just make sure you do that
length: a bit short. but it is only a prologue so i don't give a stuff
grammar: a few mistakes. but you were alright on it. i'm not so good at it myself. use exclamation marks (!) even when they are shouting they could just be going "WHERE ARE YOU?" but shouting across a cave with out anger and patrick said it with anger and determination so do the exclamation marks
originality: this is kind of original. haven't seen much unoriginal things apart from the title. the word "adventure" is done in tons of fics but thats no problem cause the title does not interfere with the story
entertainment: your second good point. it is pretty entertaining

so this story is good. just you made quite alot of mistakes but don't worry just take my advice and use it in the first chapter

blackemerald
21st November 2005, 7:18 PM
He was having the time of his life. He could see Herb, his Sceptile, running along the soft sand. He could see him kicking sand everywhere. He could see bubbles in the far distance coming from the sea. He smiled at the thought of Kyogre in the middle of the sea. He turned his head slowly to find a sight he’d seen many times before.

Honestly, can't you think of more exciting and interessting words than he? For example:
Patrick observered Herb, his Sceptile, kicking sand everywhere while running across the soft sand.
The same thing can be said about then.

On your first paragraph, you used little to none description. But it got better to the end. In the grammer department, most of your mistakes were when you were using speech. You also spelt 'Rating' wrong.

One more thing. If someone wants to give you a honest reveiw, just listen to what they say and try to apply it into your next chapter. Blingin G was just telling you what you need to improve, and if you label this as a flame I don't really care.

mindripper
21st November 2005, 8:00 PM
I think that you should listen to the criticism. You are not horrendous like some other people are, and you probably have the capacity to improve, if you s choose to. The description was mundane, and nothing caught my eyue at all. You cannot do that if youw ant more readers!

Polirick
22nd November 2005, 6:32 PM
Ok, Ok. Maybe I was a little rash. But what I wil say is... Blingin G, can you think of a better title? Humm? And is it alright if I ask you to do a review without any negitive points? I'm not saying it in a stressed way but in more in a... pleading way. Please? *Polirick's eyes widen and widen and 5 minutes later they fall out thier sockets and he farts* ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Guitar dude bill
22nd November 2005, 7:22 PM
you can't expect to say no negative points at all. no fic is perfect. and so every fic needs one negative point.

Polirick
13th December 2005, 11:56 AM
Can a mod please this down? I givien up on this.